Ok, so here I am 18 months after the bomb. We have been divorced now for 5 months. We are friends and we have been going out about once a week for a month (lunch, errands, bike rides). We are starting tennis lessons in a day (once a week).
My ex W says she likes to do stuff with me (I initiate mostly) but that we are just friends.
So....how do I move from here? Let's hear from you WAWs.
Thanks
Well, you know about 10-15% of couples that divorce, do get remarried! Have you talked to one of our coaches yet? They are experts on how to develop an action-plan to get your relationship back on a different track. One that could include romance!
Wow, I forgot about that idea. That's strange: My ex and I were friends for awhile until the day hit and then we argued and have not spoken since although I know I can get back to that level because her daughter said she would help me if I wanted it. Not trying to hijack here, but the coach idea turned on a light bulb. Oh: Always have wanted to see Canada, specifically Toronto, maybe Montreal. Keep reading how nice it is there. Have to get a new passport, and some...dough. Income has been fluctuating. Yeah, that's crazy how they want to be friends and such. I did get frustrated with the once in awhile get-togethers and no real closeness which was part of the reason for our fight so in your case, before you make the same mistake as me....be careful is all I can add because I have NO clue regarding the dynamics of these situations. I hope it works out for you.
Yep bearsfan that is exactly where this all netted out for me. We have been playing tennis, going out for lunch, bicycle rides etc each week for the past 5 weeks. Each time we went out she kept saying fo me to keep my feelings in check as we were just going out as friends. I finally snapped and told her I would only continue to go out with her if we were on the same page. I wanted to spend time getting to know each other again and see if feelings grew. She said she knew that feelings for her would not grow at all. Then she pushed it back at me and said she wanted to continue to hang out and that I had to decide what I wanted to do. I told her no thanks.
I want to spend my time with someone that has potencial to grow into something. I have been DBing for over a year and I just got burnt out. So I am dropping the rope and moving on. If she comes around I can evalute how I feel then. I don't expect her to come around ever though.
Yeah....I got the same type of response from my ex. I said some sarcastic things, mainly about wasting my time, looking like a lap dog, that kind of thing. Not sure what a DB coach would say to that. Definite minus for losing my composure though. Hey, you never know. I remember reading a part how people change their minds and there's a guy, lovenomatterwhat on here who was totally out of the running and things changed. Look up his story. It's quite a read.
Hello bearsfan,
I have read his story. he is a lucky man and was really patient.
His W intiated some of the times they went out so in some ways there was a tiny bit of hope. My ex has never initiated anything It has all been done by me. Yes, she likes to do things with me but it's hard to be constantly told to manage your expectations.
I know I should have continued to DB with her but it was too painful. All my friends that are divorced suggested that I need to try to move on and that maybe she might have a change of mind once that starts to happen. So there is where I sit now. It's really hard to not hear from her but she knows I love her. She has seen many changes. If she is interested she might come around. But I can't have my life on hold anymore.
Ahhhh, and there's the rub: Word of advice: Your friends are NOT going to be much help. Trust me on this one. IF you stay in the fight, it will be a lonely one for you. Most people follow the 'pack'. In other words, they go along with what others suggest or tell them to do. I've heard the same stuff myself, and people like those of us on this entire forum probably look nuts to the others out there who just pack it in....and maybe we are nuts. BUT...that is for the individual to decide. I've heard: "get over it", "go to the bar and get a girl', etc. Not trying to brag, but I'm a good-looking guy with smarts and a sense of humor. I would not have much trouble whatsoever with 'getting a girl'. I sometimes think that I have gone at least partially insane with this 'not giving up'. Plus, she DOES have issues and I don't say that just to boost my ego. On the other hand, the DBing IS HARD. And if you're not prepared, you can get overwhelmed....no doubt. In your case, maybe go dark unless it involves talking about the kids. The fact that she knows you still love her is both good AND bad. I don't want to fill your head with too much info as my situation is similar to yours. Bottom line is do what YOU want to do, not what others suggest.
Also: You're divorce is still new, just like mine. I don't know your details except for what is posted on this thread. Again, in your case, like mine, MAYBE it is better that you back down and kind of recharge the mental batteries because this can wear you down mentally. I'm not trying to lean you either way as I have made my share of mistakes but I will reiterate this: Do what YOU think you should do. Or hey, try the coach. If I had the dough right now, I would do it, but I'm a bit broke for the next few weeks. It is pricey, yeah, but you have to decide if the dough is worth the gamble. I have most of the DB stuff down, but I still make mistakes with my game plan...I'm inconsistent and I have a temper(big mouth), although I have been working on that. The guy that I mentioned, lovenomatterwhat, yeah, look at the hell he went through. You or I could wind up like him...or not, but make no mistake, it is no easy haul. The book warns you about this too. I've accomplished a fairly decent amount throughout life, have had my ups and downs. You have to be a good boxer in this life: You had better not have a glass jaw. I've been knocked down many a time, but so far have always gotten up and kept fighting for what I want: be it to have enough to go on a trip, work harder to make more money, etc. Sometimes I lay on the mat and wait for the 9 count and then get up. I'm rambling, but I hope you catch my meaning in all of this.
Hi there,
Thanks so much for talking to me about this.
I have no problem saying that I am hurting really badly right now.
I have decided to try going dark and just talk about the kids. I was not the ideal husband, like all of us on here.
I have worked so hard to change. I went to IC for 6 months, almost died on a trek to Mt. Everest, have shown my ex appreciation, love, caring and became the most dedicated father to my 2 children. She knows and acknowledges it.
I have worked so very hard to get us to the point of wanting to spend time together etc. How much more can I possible do? I would work for the rest of my life with her BUT at this point she has no interest and has moved on. She is from an affluent family so she has everything she needs...a new house, a new cottage and a ton of new friends. I guess she sees no value in me and/or the family being together.
I take my kids everywhere. We go on trips, we go to the cottage, I have taught them to snow and water ski etc. etc. Every time I do something fantastic with the kids I have tears. I have tears that my ex is not there with us.
But what am I supposed to do at this point? I am the only one that feels the way I do. The difference between lovenomaterwhat's situation and mine is that his wife DID initiate. My has not.
I am a great guy with faults like everyone. I just will NEVER understand why my ex, given the situation to make this great, has no interest to even try to talk to me about it. She was a WAW and never said a word before she left and has since never said a word other than "I let her down". Yes, I get I let her down but why no discussion and opportunity to make things great?
Hurting big time !!!!!
I hear you boss. It's a day to day struggle for me also. Your divorce is still recent. Just lay low. And DO NOT do anything that can damage your chances, specifically getting into an argument with her. Watch out for that trap. That is where I have shot myself in the foot...a few times. She gets me every time. Hurting.......oh yeah.. Throw me into a ring with Mike Tyson for say 3 rounds, multiply that beating by 10 and it still comes up short of the beating that you take from this stuff. Ok, so what's Canada like?
Hi again,
Well I live in Toronto and it's a nice city but I have lived in NYC and LA and travelled all over the world.
I would prefer to live in the USA as I am American.
My ex and I came back to Toronto from NYC to live here. I left a fantastic career in NYC. Now I am stuck here as I could never leave my kids.
I have been dark from my ex since Friday. Man is that hard but I know I have to do this.
She just phoned to tell me about a meeting she had at our kids school. She was enthusiastic to tell me. So, I was upbeat and appreciative but will stay on my dim path.
I have not had a single fight with my ex since she left. In fact we are able to communicate much better than when we were together. I have read every book I can on relationships, marriage, and being a husband, a father and a man. I grew up with a terrible divorce since I was 5.
Thanks again for talking with me. I really helps to talk to other people going through this stuff.
No thanks necessary...It helps me to vent too. That's why we're here. Good for you on the zero fights. Do not underestimate the value of that. Again, trust me on that one. You keep yourself in the game by obeying that rule. And yeah, stay dim....I would suggest that you let her do the initiating in regard to conversations. Yeah, also grew up having to listen to some bad fights. I had alot of friends to hang with though, so I was able to get out of the house, play ball, hop trains(LOL, yeah, I did do that) and basically get away from that atmosphere. Plus school, which afforded me more escape time. Been there, done that one. Yeeeeah...I do want to see Toronto. That CN building, the falls, Leafs game. Always wanted to stay at the hotel where the Jays play. You open your window shades, and whoa, there's the field!! How very cool. At 400 a night, not so cool. That is on my to-do list for sure. Looks like not this year though. Dammit. Always wanted to see a Canadiens/Bruins game in Montreal also.
Hey, you can do all those things up here. Just adjust some of the places to stay and don't forget the U.S. is worth more up here.
Ya, that is what I decided to do, let her initiate. When she phoned me earlier I could hear in her voice that she was missing our contact. Even though it has only been a few days of darkness, that has been the longest since we split. She knows I am serious this time and moving forward without her.
It's hard for me as all the stars have lined up and every possible positive situation is sitting right there on our laps. We are in the perfect position for reconciliation, except one small problem....she does not want to.
Yeah, don't you hate it when they don't cooperate? Geeez. The nerve. LOL. It sounds like you may have a shot down the line. Hey, I can't say things are lined up for me. My ex has issues, the least being probably an MLC, and I have kind of 'derailed'. Nothing serious or bad, just low energy and motivation mainly. Have to watch money closely these days as I have not been working alot lately....heating and cooling. The work is there, the energy to do the work is not. Good news is that I have little debt. Point is, you seem like you're ahead of the curve here. You also have kids and that is alot of history to throw away. You seem at least a bit frustrated judging from your last sentences. Understandable, just don't let her see it. You may also have to do the GAL deal which is pushed heavily here, and for good reason. Read up on it if you haven't already. You want a shot at getting her back, there is NO easy road. You have to do the work. I should talk....at the same time, I know eventually I'm going to get my butt in gear.
yep, I lost my drive and motivation when we were together. I used to have a big job in advertising in NYC. I am getting back into it now.
I do focus my energy on my kids. I take them travelling all over the place and do amazing things with them. I always let my ex know. If that is not a small motivation for her to be interested then I don't know what else.
As tough as it is, and it really is....I know I will find happiness. It's "sort of" time for me now.
So, we live each day..some days are good and some days we have many tears.
Keep posting !!!
Any time man..You will do well. Do your kids first, then you, try to chill out, see what happens. You cannot force the issue. You try: You are D. O. A. Know this: I KNOW how you feel. Oh, trust me on this. There are days and nights of hell. Yet....Keep in mind: You have two kids. I have chosen the path where I do not have any. I like kids, as long as they go home later: Two nieces, one nephew. Point is: You have to be there for them. The world is insane these days, and kids need BOTH parents. You and your ex have a common denominator: Your kids. That, right there, keeps you in the game. I do not know what drove you apart (sorry, lot out there right now) and cannot tell you what to do. BUT>>>> I can tell you what NOT to do, and I've covered this. DO NOT fight. I cannot say this enough. Be a good father, which I'm sure you are, change the stuff that turned her off, yet still be a MAN. My problem was my temper and I was 'controlling' I agree and disagree with her opinion. My absolute fatal mistake was that I turned into too much of a wuss: I over-compensated. Understand?
Another thing...and you're not going to like this, but I noticed the ages: 43/33. Ok...she may be starting to feel the numbers here. I'm close to your age (snicker) and us guys, usually at that age are done um, running around...been there, done that. I'm trying to be as straight as I can be with you and that 33 MAY be a factor...on her side. Not to be too alarmed though. as they say: "All the good ones are taken" I do believe that. She may be freaking out a bit too. Going back to what I said above^, continue to be a good man and father and IF, and I heavily empathize IF, she thinks she's 'missing out' there is not much quality out there.If you have not read the DB book, by all means do so. It's the only reason that I'm talking about this. I believe this is part of my ex's decision. Above all, I don't believe you're here to have everybody tell you that things will be fine. They are not. Otherwise, you would not be here. Same as me. You want advice, and it's not going to be all pleasant. You're in for a very bumpy ride. Life is going to suk, if it already does not. Read lovenomatterwhat thread. It will give you inspiration. I'll be back.
Yep, to all of the above. Been there and thought about it all.
I know I am not suposed to give up but I beleive in my heart that she is never coming back. There are so many factors for her not to come back. For me, my family (her and the kids) are the most important thing in the world. I guess she does not agee with that. I am a great father but that is not enough for her to at least try to talk to me.
I am 99% sure we are done. As I mentioned lovenomatterwhat had an element in it that both you are I don't have in our situation, his wife did initiate some stuff. I think that is where it all begins. If the WAW does initiate then there is a tiny bit of hope. My ex has NEVER initiated. Sure, she will say yes if I ask her to do fun things with me but she is very clear while we are doing it that it's only friendship.
I am just burnt out and want to be with someone excited to do stuff with me.....
Sorry man...Forgot that I told you about that thread. Like I've said, lot going on and I flake out here and there. Geeez...You're a night owl too obviously. Yes, another benefit of this stuff...insomnia. Funny thing is that I sleep like a rock when I do fall asleep. My biological clock is just feckd up right now though. Ironically, your attitude is right in line with detaching...which is good and bad, but more good. Burnout: Yes sir, I know it. I've probably lost a good 10 IQ points in the last year and I constantly fight mental fatigue. Well, not really a fight, because I always lose that battle. Truth be told, you and I both need to chill out. I am serious. Too much thinking. " I want to be with someone excited to do stuff with me" Ok....do it then. I have read and heard many a time where women somehow just pick up on that stuff. It's like they have a SAC radar. Strategic Air Command...just in case you didn't catch it. And then, POW! She calls you. Strange stuff, but it seems to be common. Dude, that is scary. You know how they can tell when you're b.s.ing? Same deal here. Hell, install a woman's radar in our defense system, and a ICBM would not get within 200 miles of the US coast. Wild. Yeah, back way down then. I can also tell you that too much thinking= you will fry your mind. Over easy, sunny side up, or scrambled...you get to choose. Either way, you are once again: D.O.A. Oh, btw, if you want to go meet a woman for a possible LTR, be ready to tell your life story alllll over again. Yup! Just having a bit of fun with you. Nothing wrong with dates whatsoever, just be straight with her. Don't contact your ex UNLESS you it concerns the kids. Did you read the DB book?????
Ya I read the DB book about 10 times, along with 30 other books on relationships, divorce, children, being a man etc. I have done it ALL.
There is just no more to give. I have completly changed my priorities in life and have become very appreciative, loving etc. BUT I still have a lonely vibe which I am sure my ex picks up on. I know it's not attractive, I am sure.
But, I am just DONE......
All my ex would have to do is just initiate and I could still be back in there but now I am dropping the rope.
Just had to stop by my ex's house to pick something up for the kids. She has no love in her eyes at all for me. It just leaves me feeling that every minute we were together was a lie. It's like she was pretending to love me and pretending to be a wife.
I think she loves her life now and never for a second thinks about our family as a whole anymore.
I have to find a way to look at her now and say to myself "how can I still love a person that clearly does not love me"."How can I love a person that does not share my values of how important the family is and to do everything to have a family together"?
I really have to start to look at her as a person that I used to know. She is not the person I married anymore.
Glad I am going dark.
I will have my kids for the next 3 weekends in a row and a week in between. It's going to be so much fun and I just have to focus on that.
I have sooo much to give to someone now. It's so sad that my ex has no interest in all of it.
Yeah, I know it's tough. It has to be one of life's most difficult ordeals. I do see how people have trouble getting past this stuff. I've read enough horror stories about this type of thing.
Keep posting also...if you want. This board helps me to vent also. Not a cure-all, but it does help. You just have to decide what you want to do. Our situations are kind of similar, and I'm not ready to pack it in yet. There will be times when you think that you're going to go insane. Besides....since you live in a city that I want to visit, I need all of the INTEL that I can get. LOL.