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What the heck is wrong with me?

Posted By: Bliss

What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/05/09 08:46 PM

Here I am still crying...after almost 6 months of pure hell he's put me through. Ugh!

I wrote him a really nasty letter, reminding him of all that he's done...yet I believe I shouldn't send it. I shouldn't right? He probably wouldn't read it anyway....he just doesn't care.

Now I find out he's on Match.com.... geez...the D isn't even final yet and he's out 'looking for a long term relationship' (this is what he put on the title of his match.com ad).

How can a man leave his family after 26 years of marriage, and be out looking and having sex with random women and not even care how we, or I should say, I, feel!???

Two days ago he accused me of dragging the D out, and told me how bad he wanted this to be over...yet he's the one dragging it out filing petitions not to pay this or that.

He hangs out at the local bar that my daughters friends parents own. Of course all of our daughters friends go there and see him. Our daughter is totally embarrassed.

I am trying to GAL and not think about us, however it's all I do is cry. I still cry daily. Our daughter is getting married in August, and this has been hell on her...

I haven't been on the boards because I came down with Pneumonia for 4 weeks! Is that stress or what? My doctor gave me instructions to stay in bed...lol...heck I couldn't even get out of bed if I wanted to!

Thanks everyone for listening....I need a good ear or shoulder and I am thankful that I can come here to get out of the storm.

Bliss
Posted By: Bliss

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/06/09 11:32 AM

I think I won't send the letter...it is mostly spewing anyway, and who wants to hear that? Certainly not him.

Oh well...time to go dark and work really hard on GAL without him.

Court is in two weeks. Wish me luck on that one...I sure need some prayers. \:\(

Thank you,

Bliss
Posted By: mlh78

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/06/09 03:01 PM

My vote is DO NOT send the letter! You are absolutely right, it is just angry "venting" so no good will come as a result of it. The reality of the situation is that after reading your letter, he will not magically "see the error of his ways" The only thing that will happen is that you will only come off looking like a b!tch, thus making him feel more validated in his decision to leave you.

That being said, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. None of this is fair to you, your history together, or your children. The only thing you can do is what you have been doing which is to carry yourself with dignity, pursue activities that make you feel good, detach yourself from his immature craziness, and protect yourself and your family throughout all of the stages of the divorce.

The constant crying sucks, I know. If you need to cry, do it. I think Michele suggests breaking some old plates or something? Regardless, let it out - but not in front of your H/XH. Right now, he doesn't want to see/hear any of it.

In my sitch, I got to a point where I was tired of leaning on my friends and family (felt like a constantly sobbing burden) and decided to go to a therpist to vent out all of my feelings...including all of the stuff that was totally unreasonable/nutty. Was one of the best things I ever did. Probably the easiest $ the therapist ever made because I paid her to sit and listen to me cry/yell about how $hitty things were and how unfair they were. ;\) After a while, the crying subsided and I started to feel "like me" again.

My XH did some odd stuff during the divorce too. Although he filed, he did nothing to advance the divorce, which was maddening. In fact, he was hounding my attorney with crazy "deals" that no person in their right mind would agree to. Lots of bizarre delaying - but not to reconcile or talk about relationship. Don't "engage" in the nuttiness.

Hang it there. You will get through this.
Posted By: Bliss

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/07/09 01:55 AM

Thank you so much for your kind words. I guess I'm just hurting so badly and he shows no compassion towards me with how he's behaving.

I really wish I could hit him....maybe the plate thing would work. I just have no desire to date anyone...I guess everyone is different in this area. I read his match.com ad and it made me physically sick....ugh.

So your XH did some weird things? I feel like mine is too...but he always accuses me of lying to him, it's maddening!

I pray alot. My cousin, a lawyer, went through a divorce two years ago and he told me it was like going through a death. Boy, was he right!

How long did it take you to heal? I know each person is different....I'm just scared to be alone, without a job and with this darn illness...not to mention the fact the I loved the loser.

Thanks for listening...

Bliss
Posted By: FitChik

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/07/09 11:10 AM

Bliss....

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Our situations are very diff't but I relate to a lot of your feelings. My H also acts like he was no care for me and is very impatient to get a D. It hurts like heck! Someone needs to invent a pill to cure a broken heart :-).

Glad to hear you pray a lot. My faith has pulled me through and continues to strengthen me to deal with all the pain. I will keep you and your fam in my prayers.
Posted By: mlh78

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/07/09 02:50 PM

I'm sorry, I must've missed this... what is going on with your health?

Oh, yes, my XH did a lot of bizarre things during our divorce. During the actual divorce process, although he did nothing to move the divorce along, he'd call/email me yelling that I had to stop delaying the divorce and that "it was going to happen" so I had to "deal with it."

People would tell me that his tactics were aimed at "buying himself time" to decide, was considering coming home, etc. The more I tried to interpret his craziness, the more crazy I got.

In my situation, my XH went off the deep end. He became the exact opposite of who we all knew him to be - slept with his married trainwreck assistant (left me for her), lied to everyone about everything (even small, stupid things), became painfully wishy-washy (could never say anything other than "I don't know"), dropped most of his lifelong friends, even started using phrases that sounded nothing like him.

I'd thought he'd gone totally crazy. He was (and I think still is) trying so hard to find "that thing" that will make him feel normal/happy again.

My divorce was finalized in October, I bought a new house in November, and after 2 years on this rollercoaster I think that I'm finally ready to start dating again. I had zero desire to date for the longest time but I'm slowly developing "crushes" again so that is fun.

From what I hear, my XH is dating assistant #2 and is oh-so-happy with her. In all, I'm focusing on moving forward while he is in the same ridiculous place he was 2 years ago with a different "under-study."

Yes, I agree that grieving the end of your marriage (at least your marriage as you knew it) is similar to grieving the death of a loved one... with the added pain of the rejection, humiliation and insensitivity... ;\)

Why do you think you are scared to be alone? Although that is a common feeling for people, I think the "why" is often different.
Posted By: dday101798

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/07/09 06:17 PM

Hi Bliss (& all),

Sorry to hear you're life is in this mess too, as I've said several times, must be something in the water here as there are many IL/Chicago folks on here, Daley must be behind this.

Anyway, although I don't know much of your sitch aside from what is in this thread, you do not sound ready at all for dating. Not even on the "friends with benefits scale". It seems to hold up the letting go cycle. Why do we still hold on to them when we know they don't care, who knows, human nature? As you say, scared of being alone? Fear of rejectment?

I've finally just recently within the past few weeks let go, matter of fact came to full term with it yesterday. Ano now, I am good, I accept it and I LIKE being alone. I'm slowly returning back to the person I used be before my M started to change me into the rollover and say nothing H my W wanted me to be. And you know what, the site, the book(s) can preach all they want about doing 180's and making yourself a better person. Sure it's true, but in the beginning as can be witnessed out of so many threads here, it's only an outside show. While on the inside, we're completely miserable.

Sure the current financial status of everything is scarey all on it's own, but, you know what, I'd be happier living in a cardboard box then having to endure any more of the hurt, misery and pain of still clinging to that last string of hope my STBX will wake up. And truth be told, I probably could have been better, sooner, only I allowed someone to intervine and delay that process. It wasn't anything serious, but enough to distract me from what I needed to do for me.

Sorry to ramble on, but thought I'd share and hopefully something can be learned from my mistake.

-dday
Posted By: Bliss

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/08/09 06:03 PM

Hi girls…I think we’re all girls? =)
Yes, I’m afraid because of my health issues. In 2005 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, and the neuro pointed out another issue on my brain scan called an Arnold Chiari Malformation of the cerebellum. He told us this malformation was genetic, and so we had to have both of our kids tested. Our daughter tested fine, yet our son tested positive and his malformation was worse than mine! Come to find out he has a cyst in his spinal cord as well, and there isn’t a darn thing we can do about it but watch it to see if it grows. If it DOES GROW then we’ll have to take steps to make it smaller, because growing spinal cord cysts cause paralysis. Ughh!

In the past couple years our insurance has paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical, and I was immediately approved for Social Security disability when I was diagnosed (this is rare). Although SS isn’t much, it does pay the groceries. =o)

So here I am….afraid of my future….how will I take care of myself if the MS flares up and I can’t walk…how am I going to pay my medical bills…..how am I going to afford to live?

Believe me when I say, I’m not wanting my husband to stick around because of financial reasons…because I love the jerk. However, with that being said…I often look at him and wonder how he can leave a wife with health issues, and often that fateful statement come to mind…‘in sickness and in health.” Ya know?

He tells the court that I can’t have custody of our little guy because of my health….yet on the other hand, he’s says I’m well enough to get a job. Huh? Aren’t those statements contradicting each other?

I’m just lost, like I said, and scared. We had court today and his lawyer told mine that he’s getting a bit ‘frustrated with this process’ because he wants this done and over with.

I don’t understand how a man I’ve spent 30 years of my 46 years alive can be so different all of a sudden. I don’t understand how he cannot care about me at all. There are so many things I just don’t understand. My family says I need to stop asking those questions and accept the way it is.

I’m so hurt that he’s now having something so intimate, sex, with other women. I keep seeing that in my mind and I don’t know how to stop it. He told me three weeks ago he was not interested in women because he wanted to work on him…and I believed him. And now I find out differently. I’ve done nothing but sob my heart out in my pillow at night thinking of him being with another woman in that way. I have to stop writing about it…I’m in tears just thinking of it.

You all have great points and I know that I’m so not ready to move on. But what do I say when I’m ready ….”Hi, my name is Bliss, and I have MS, and I may eventually need brain surgery…..would you like to go out for coffee?”lolol

I know I’m totally whining here…and I’m in this huge pity party. Ughhh….like Jim Carey said in that movie..”Somebody stop me!!!”

Hugs to you all,
Bliss
Posted By: mlh78

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/08/09 06:43 PM

Yes, you're having a pity party but that's ok. When you are put into one unreasonable and unfair position after another, we'll let you host a little PP once in a while.

Yes, he is contradicting himself re: your inability to have custody and ability to work. He is thinking only of himself and what he wants. Period. It isn't fair or right, but that is what he is doing. The real question you hneed to answer is, "what are you going to do about it?" Are you going to continue to hope that he comes to his senses or are you going to ensure that your interests are protected?

Working/financial situation - you need to make plans for yourself that DO NOT rely on your husband. To repeat, he is not thinking of you or his vows, etc. It is up to you to take care of yourself. What are you interested in doing? What experience do you have? What are you physically capable of doing (healthwise)?

As far as dating is concerned, I agree with a fellow poster - it doesn't sound like you are even near-ready to date. Don't rush yourself because you feel like you are "supposed" to be at a certain point in the grieving process. My rollercoaster started 2 years ago and I'm finally feeling like I'm ready to date. Everyone has their own pace so stick with what feels right to you.

Keep in mind, believe it or not, you aren't some "damaged" mess that no one will ever find lovable. You may feel low and rejected now but give yourself due credit.

Thoughts of him with other women... yeah, this is tough for all of LBSs on these boards. Often people talk in abstract terms about "cheating" but the reality of what that actually means is what we all have burned into our brains. In the early days of my separation, I came very close to puking when I thought about what my XH was doing with his AP.

I decided that once my mind went in that direction, I was going to try really hard to redirect my thoughts to something else. Didn't always work but you can't keep focusing on what you H is doing right now. It will do nothing but drive you nuts and make you feel like $hit.
Posted By: dday101798

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/08/09 07:03 PM

Originally Posted By: Bliss
Hi girls…I think we’re all girls? =)


Sorry, other end of the gender pool, but after all this, does it really matter?

Sorry to hear of so many problems all at once and especially that on eof the kids is affected by it. As you said, all you can do is watch it and see.

And I can sooooo, relate to the mental images that can be hard to shake. Never really had much problem with it until i came across STBX and OM groping each other in the middle of park sprawling with everyone we know and their kids, now that's one for the vommit patrol.

It completely stinks that all this puts you such a bind, but as said, you can't rely on H for anything. I was there every second of every moment for my MIL when she was battling cancer (and lost). My STBX was there every second of every moment when OM's mother was hospitalized. What happened when my mother was in the ER? OH, she called, but expressed sympathy for a few minutes, then turned the call into the same old blame-game.

You need to find a way to be dependent for yourself. If and when you're ready to get back out there that will speak volumes for itself over everything else.
Posted By: Bliss

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/09/09 12:01 AM

dday101789....I'm so sorry I didn't catch on that you are NOT of the female gender...ugh! Fuzzy brain here! =)

mlh...I can totally relate to the vomiting both you and dday talk about. And I wish there was a pill to take all these feelings away! I don't even know where to begin!

dday...I'm felt so sad when you wrote about stumbling into your STBX with the OM...I think I WOULD vomit!

So the question here is...DO THEY NOT CARE, honestly, for how we feel? Sometimes I want to beg him...how pathetic is THAT? Just typing to you both right now...well, I'm crying. I think my kids think I'm nuts. I wish I could tell them this is normal, but is it?? How long does it take to get over this? Will I ever get over this?

This is what scares me...that I won't get over it.

I'm so sorry...I'm just in a really bad place right now.

Bliss
Posted By: Bliss

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/09/09 12:02 AM

I forgot to add to you both..thanks so much for the excellent advice. I do need to become self-sufficient. Oh God, where do I start.

I don't know if I can do this.

Bliss
Posted By: dday101798

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/09/09 02:06 PM

Originally Posted By: Bliss
So the question here is...DO THEY NOT CARE, honestly, for how we feel? Sometimes I want to beg him...how pathetic is THAT?


Bliss, in my experience, that's what they thrive on to validate what they are doing is right in their own mind. The more you show emotion, the more it's known you are still stuck.

Let me ask, what have you done for yourself to heal? Have you idnetified the issues you contributed that led to your X walking and the S and D? If so what have you done to remedy?

Hang in there, do some soul searching. You have a lot on your plate in all regards, but to me it sounds like you've either never really done what's asked above or you've reverted back to the depression stage and need to remember or start over.
Posted By: AJM

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/09/09 05:03 PM

I totally agree with dday. Showing that kind of emotion validates their belief that they are doing the right thing. It also often lets them feel in control which they crave.

Not letting them feel that way has a totally different effect than you might think. Change your thoughts and see what effect it has.

They do care though. It drives them nuts they care so much. As if they are unable to stop thinking about it is almost a release for them to treat us poorly. Stop that cycle and you'll start to see some different results.

AJ
Posted By: dday101798

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/09/09 05:23 PM

Thanks AJM, I feel so odd being so rapidly tranformed from one of "the lost" to a cheerleader of sorts as it seems lately.

Originally Posted By: AJM
They do care though. It drives them nuts they care so much. As if they are unable to stop thinking about it is almost a release for them to treat us poorly. Stop that cycle and you'll start to see some different results.


You know i still can not answer the question of if they care or not. That quote presents an interesting observation. I'm still not sure of my STBX. Definately stopping the cycle nets results. I just still can't tell if it's results for the better or if she's just trying harder to find new ways to get to me.
Posted By: AJM

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/09/09 06:06 PM

What if it's both?

AJ
Posted By: dday101798

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/09/09 06:19 PM

Originally Posted By: AJM
What if it's both?

AJ


Thanks, that clears things up

LOL
Posted By: dday101798

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/09/09 09:30 PM

Eeek!

Sorry Bliss, I just noticed your join date is the date my STBX left.
Posted By: AJM

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/10/09 01:19 PM

When she's "trying to get to you." What does that mean? Are you missing her attempts to reconnect? Or do you feel it is malicious?

Makes a HUGE difference.

Figure out what I'm asking when I say "what if it's both" ? I think you'll find that intriguing.

AJ
Posted By: dday101798

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/10/09 02:40 PM

Malicious, 100% at times. In my case and I can see in others, my STBX thrived off making me miserable. To me thinking in retrospect, it justified everything in her mind. And, it also said to her, that she still had me as an escape route of sorts if all fails with OM, hence, being a safety net.

I've finally identified how to deal with that and not let her do it at all. She's tried repeatedly to use those same tactics that used to work to get me "fired up" and show emotion that I still care for her, but now she's displaying frustration that it doesn't and is trying new ways, new 'buttons'.

I do still care for her, but not at that level anymore. I love the woman with all my heart, don't get me wrong, but now, only as the friend i've lost, and most importantly as the mother of our children. My emotional involvement with her as my wife no longer exists. When I look at my wedding picture every morning and every night I am comforted by the good times we had and leave it at that.

This approach has been an amazing sense of releaf for my self. And, should there ever come a day that there is a chance for anything between us again, I wouldn't be trying to re-live the M we had, and most importantly carrying a hatchet for her leaving me. I've 'buried' that hatchet and forgive her for leaving, I understand why now. I don't belame her. But again in doing so, it frustrates her now that I care not to argue out the fact she left, thus she's not getting that energy from me anymore to feed her own justification.

As far as what if it's both. You'd have to read my current thread in WAW. I have endured so many leaps of faith and gotten my hopes all up when she would talk of a possible reconnection. Reality is, although she left and I accept that, she is with a OM and is "commited" to him (hell they are "engaged" for pete's sake ). I tried so hard each and everytime to believe that what she was saying, how she said she still felt for me was real, but in the end, she would always just head back to OM and not have contact for weeks on end. Thus, once again, I feel she was just feeding the justification. There may have been some truth in what she said, but the end result sepaks for itself.

Sorry Bliss if this kind of "hi-jacks" your thread, but it does relate to your topic. How are you today?

dday
Posted By: Bliss

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/13/09 11:49 AM

No need to worry about high jacking a thread. You both have great points that I find really interesting.

I just don't get the thought that he still cares...is that what this statement is supposed to mean?

My son spent the entire weekend with him (his visitation weekend) and came home in a bummed out mood. Dad was out of the driveway before my son even got to the front door. He said STBX was on the cell phone all weekend...either texting someone or talking to someone, or he was on the computer. My son said it was the most boring weekend ever.

I suppose since he's on two 'hook up' websites that most of the time he spends is looking for his 'long term relationship'. How insane is he? My counselor said he just doesn't get it....work on the past issues that brought about your divorce (we both had a part in it) and then move on. Yet my STBX is at the gym working on his body, but not his emotions.

I had acknowledged my part in the breakdown of this marriage...not to him per se, but to God and in my journal, plus I'm working with a counselor who encourages me to 'do life differently'. I didn't want to reach out and admit to my STBX because in my mind it would just validate his leaving...because quite honestly, he has never validated his part and is in the blame stage.

What do you guys think?

Hugs,

Bliss

P.S. This was my very first weekend alone on Easter. I got up, went to church, and then spent the day working in the house. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was invited to come to dinner with my family and other friends, but I thought I'd just spend the day alone, not in thought, but working on an upcoming garage sale. Probably should have spent time with family? Heck, I never know what to do. LOL
Posted By: AJM

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/13/09 12:06 PM

If you don't reach out, which one of you will?

I haven't read the rest of the situation. Forgive me for asking that question prior to reading it.

AJ
Posted By: dday101798

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 04/13/09 02:08 PM

Hi Bliss.

All I can say at this pont is maybe he still deos in fact care, but I wouldn't waste my breath in asking for it, nor set expectations to later be crushed when he'll 'say' he doesn't.

AJM has a firmer belief that they do. As I said in my case, she's stated she does, prefusely, and at the moments I believed her an put trust in her once again, time after time, but after reality sank in and she ran right back to her OM, I was crushed. Now, I just have zero faith at all of anything she says in that regard.

Simple fact, I let my feelings be known, and she knew where my door was for 8 long grueling months. A person can only take so much heartache before it's time to just let go. Furthermore, she says she "loves me so much it hurts" yet lives with OM, is "engaged" to him and filed for divorce on me? That's love?

I will say there must be some kind of feeling left or some kind of remorse. Our house she wanted back so badly is still a 'rental property' 2 months after I left it. She says she's only been in it twice since.

I don't know, I just don't know.
Posted By: sgctxok

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 07/16/09 11:52 PM

Hi Bliss...checking in...it has been awhile. How are you?
Posted By: Tomato

Re: What the heck is wrong with me? - 07/18/09 04:43 AM

hey sg and bliss

thx sg for checking on her because it enabled me to see that she is still semi-around. I hadn't know of this threads existence. I don't think bliss & i have posted to each other for like 9 months or so.

come around miss bliss. I sure would be interested in knowing how you are.

Be one with the Lord.

Ted
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