It has been 1 yr today since my husband left. I don't have many feelings right now. I thought I was going to be in bed all day, drinking away the sorrow, and reminding myself that he left me. Well, things didn't go as planned. I've been keeping myself busy with the kiddos, working, doing laundry, and now I'm online thinking of what has happened.
My H has come a long way. I'll give him that much. He is going through this "manopause". He's even put himself on youtube for fun. He's not advertising himself, it's for his bike club. I see a different man that is trying so hard to stay young. He's acting as if he were still between 19-21. How can this be? What happens to a man during this "change of life". Why does it happen? He's not going bald and he's not overweight. Ugh, I don't know what to think anymore. It sickens me to see him behave this childish. He's at a bar recording himself and friends......Why the heck do I want that "loser" in my life? That's not who I married. Hell no!!
I think today marks a new day. I'm not putting up with his @*it anymore. I've tried doing the 180 (having the home cleaned, dinner ready when he visits, doing his laundry...just making it comfortable for him). I'm thinking of doing a total 180 now. No more Mrs. Nice wife. I don't see him wanting to come back home. If he does, he's got a weird way of showing it. I'm through with guessing games. Dangit, i'm not a toy. I am a woman with feelings and I can't stand for a man to belittle me. I feel like he is belittling me. He doesn't appreciate what I do for him. He says thank you and all but it's just not enough. AM I BEING SELFISH? I'm confused. I'm angry that he's undecided and i'm angry that it's been one whole year of separation. So far no divorce. He's postponed it. Good thing I guess.
Could this possibly be THE light at the end of the tunnel? I feel ok right now. I'm not as devastated as I thought I'd be. One year of being apart is devastating. Not to mention our wedding anniversary is next month! 11 yrs...............I think I'm going to be just fine. My most trusted being says everything will be just fine. I trust in Him always. As long as I know that He will always protect me and comfort me, things will be ok.
Mary,
Oh my dear....
I am sending a HUGE HUG your way today.
Tell you what, when I am out w/girlfriends & kids tonight, I will say a special silent toast for you.
Not sure where I will be next August w/H, not sure if I could hang in there like you. You have very many VALID questions.
I would like to suggest as your friend, decide not to do anything today, or even next month on your 11yr anniversary. I just bet your H realizes what today is.
Keep you to yourself & don't let him see that it is affecting you. I am here sending you my support.
You have come along way & your D has been postponed. You are strong and can do this. You do not have to make a choice today.
Hugs!!! and more hugs....
hi MariS,
thanks for responding. saturday night went by like this:
spent the night at my parents (i was house sitting) because my H went out of town on business. to my surprise....much to my surprise........he sent me a video showing me the place where he stayed and he even tried to show me the time on his phone. !!!! i didn't understand why but later on i did.
i had told him that i was doubting his whereabouts lately. he told me he hasn't lied about going out of town for work. so i think that's the reason he did that on the video. anyway, nothing has changed as far as him talking about our R. i don't ask and i don't expect him to either. it sucks. that night i thought i was going to feel miserable. for some reason God knows when to make things better. i shouldn't say better but it was something that took my mind of my H. my daughter started to feel sick and my attention was on her all night. i can't say that i feel 100% ok with my separation now, much less 50%. i miss my family being together. i miss those rainy days at home with everyone. i don't know how to take this comment though........"subconciously i do miss you. something way back in my mind tells me that i do miss you. but here (pointing to his face) i don't". i don't know how to take that.
what do you think?
journaling:
i just posted in the jealousy forum. ....
wish i could've met someone by now. someone to hang out with or just someone to talk to. but that wouldn't ease the pain. i'm hurting so much right now that i don't feel like sleeping. i feel like staying up and crying. i told myself i wasn't going to do that but i feel it coming. wish i had xanax right now.
maris, i think i can meet you in waco one of these weekends when he has the kids. he hasn't had them lately, we've been spending the weekends together. but i think i may just tell him to keep them one weekend so we can finally just have a cup of coffee and talk away................
I've been keeping myself busy with the kiddos, working, doing laundry, and now I'm online thinking of what has happened.
Good for you.
I'm not putting up with his @*it anymore. I've tried doing the 180 (having the home cleaned, dinner ready when he visits, doing his laundry...just making it comfortable for him). I'm thinking of doing a total 180 now. No more Mrs. Nice wife.
I agree with you...sort of. After this long (and with the D in play), it's time for him to learn how to do his own laundry and fix his own meals too. But it's easy to go overboard and instead of simply no longer being "Mrs. Nice Wife", you become "Mrs. Hell Wife". Don't do it. Instead, schedule visits outside of meal times (or make sure you're unavailable during them). Go out with friends or by yourself to eat if you need an excuse. If he's dropping off his laundry (that takes a lot of nerve), tell him you've got a busy week ahead and will get to it when you can. Then let it sit for a good while before you do it. Consider it weaning him off of you. He'll feel it in time and you'll get a much better result then one day saying, "Wash your own &(@#* clothes!" when you just can't take it any more.
I'm through with guessing games.
Good. You shouldn't be playing them and neither should he.
He doesn't appreciate what I do for him. He says thank you and all but it's just not enough.
I'm not sure I understand. He is showing gratitude. What more do you expect for a kindness?
So far no divorce. He's postponed it. Good thing I guess.
Not if you want to be rid of him. But if you don't, then it
is a good thing. Everything is relative and while it's not the greatest, I don't think you fully appreciate it's value either. Some of the folks here with the D final and everything over but the shouting would be envious of your sitch.
His on-the-road video means that either he recognizes that what he's doing could be misconstrued or he's covering for something (though I doubt it). Either way, it means he's thinking about how this looks from your side. Again, some folks here would give their right arm for their WAS to give any thought as to what they are feeling.
I don't know how to take this comment though..."subconciously I do miss you. something way back in my mind tells me that I do miss you. But here (pointing to his face) I don't". I don't know how to take that.
Personally, I don't think I'd spend much time wondering how to take it. I don't put much stock in what my WAW has to say because half of it is nonsense and I have no way of knowing which half it is. So I pretty much let it all go in one ear and out the other. When she's ready to have a "real" talk, she'll say so. Until she is (or until she is capable of saying that), there's no point in getting worked up over anything.
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down. I hope you gave yourself permission to have a good cry. I don't do it very much any more (I'm six months into the separation with D filed, but apparently "on hold"), but on occassion I just feel the need to let the sadness out. That's OK. You don't want to be falling apart all the time (and it doesn't sound like you are), but sometimes it's good to let it out. I've found that holding it in for too long just makes it worse when the dam finally breaks (and it always does).
My best to you.
Mary,
Just checking in w/you today. Finding myself back again daily on the BB at the moment.
Wouldn't it be great if we had unlimted $$$ and could just run away for a weekend or week & let our WAHS take care of what we have been toiling over?
As my DB Coach Laurie says, yes, give yourself permission to think about things & work through the feelings/emotions, but limit it & then move on.
I would also like to "echo" Old Fool's advice.
Big Hug!
If he's dropping off his laundry (that takes a lot of nerve), tell him you've got a busy week ahead and will get to it when you can.
What?? Do it later?? B.S. Do it never.
Mary,
Sending you PMA & thoughts for today & this weekend!
Hugs,
Mary,
Just checking in on you.
Hugs!
hi all.
guess i should explain the laundry situation. he doesn't bring his weekly laundry; when he comes over he spends the weekend with us. since i used to do laundry on sundays, then i'd throw his stuff in there too. so it's not like he asks me to do his laundry or me ask him to bring his stuff either.
journaling:
Easter. jeez, need i say more. we had planned, and I do mean WE, a fun weekend with the kids. friday he came over, we went out to dinner as a family (i treated because i had an awesome work week $$$). saturday was rainy and cold and just vegged, rented movies, made kettle popcorn, and just enjoyed time together. FYI: friday was a very sexual night. i had told myself not to do anything with him but when the going got tough, i couldn't control myself. it was fun though.
sunday....the kids were driving me nut and i sensed he was feeling overwhelmed with the kids. he decided to go on a bike ride while we went to church and that he was annoyed by the kids. HELLO! so was i but where was i going to go? we kinda got into an argument because of that. i told him he couldn't just walk away whenever he wanted to. then he said he was just aggravated by the kids fighting/shouting/teasing, etc etc. i understand that, but things got out of hand. he went on his bike ride and i just felt alone again with the kids. he called after church and asked what we were going to do. i felt tired of the wishy washy situation. one week he wants to stay with our agreement instead of the standard visitation. he comes over whenever he wants to see the kids instead of every other weekend. we agreed on this because of the kids sake. then he says he wants to stay with the standard orders!!!! i finally told him he can't have it however he wants whenever he wants. i'm not at his beckon call. i was fed up! i told him if that was his final decision then so be it. he said it was. i said ok. things got icy cold afterwards. i took the kids to his house and spent the rest of the day by myself. i felt horrible. i felt alone. i felt miserable. i felt like a dumb#@s for believing him all this time that he wanted to do the right thing for the kids. i went home and cried. i had a good long talk with a higher power. i needed an answer. i needed comfort. if i was going to be firm about his decision, how was i going to deal with the kids emotions? what about them? they've been so happy with the time they've spent with their dad so far that it would just ruin their hopes of having their parents get along.
i took a while to think things through. if it were the old me, i would immediately act on his decision. I would behave very aggressive and rude. when he called later that evening he told me he'd be bringing the kids home. i told him ok. (he probably assumed i would go pick them up). i held my breath and said ok again. i didn't want to argue at all. we hung up and i asked myself..........should i continue being cold? i took a deep breathe, closed my eyes, and picked up the phone. i told him i'd pick up the kids. when i got there we had a long talk. he said he didn't want the standard orders. he wants what's best for the kids but that he didn't want to spend the night at my house anymore. he doesn't want to give the kids the wrong impression (us getting back together). i said ok. he said let's start over and be friends again. so we ended the evening with peace.
this sure is a rollercoaster ride. i hate it. one minute i wanna give up on him then i want to continue working on our marriage. i hate this feeling.
'
what was that old "therapist" saying (when dealing with MLC)........you have to wait a month for every year of marriage or was it a year for every ...i dunno mumbo jumbo. have a good day everyone. i'm hoping i continue staying positive on this new path.
Mary,
Awwhhh...we ARE on the same ride together.
Sorry you hit one of "those" bumps this weekend. It is a normal, natural bump to experience. I think I hit that one about 3weeks ago when I put my foot down about OW and have now backed off. No more snooping or seeking.
Yep, it IS one month for every year of marriage.
BUT
My question has also been, what about the pre-marriage years? Do I need to count those too?
Keep letting H feel what he is doing for the kids. It will give him purpose.
Like you, I have the same thoughts, feelings, concerns and questions, especially since children are involved.
Hugs for now!
Mary,
check in & let me know you are okay.....
Hugs!
hi maris,
things are ok. i'm mentally stable....ha ha
since last sunday, we did have a talk about our "visitation" situation. that day was like the worst days this year. he made me feel like crap...but i think i overreacted a bit
after a long while talk we managed to be friends again and just take the course. HE decided he wants to go with the flow not the standard court orders. which is THE best thing for the kids in my opinion. the kids have been sooo happy that they've spent so much time with their dad.
i finally told him that i wasn't going to be in limbo for much longer. i told him he needed to make a decision and stick with it. so he did, i guess. we'll see.
Mary,
Have been thinking of you and sending prayers.
Glad to read you were able to be a little more firm w/H and yes, you did get a decision out of him, even though it is a small one. I agree that going w/the flow is better than the standard court AND can work to your benefit. (kids too)
It is SOOOO hard when children are in the mix.
How did this weekend go?
Sending you a BIG hug!
I've been keeping up on your thread, but haven't had much to say (maybe too many problems of my own). I think though your exchange was rough, it might have been a good thing. You had a problem, argued it out, and came to terms. There are some here (probably myself included) who wouldn't be able to make such a situation a success.
I agree with MariS as well. My best to you.
Mary,
Just bumping your stitch....update here when you get a chance.
Will be thinking of you this weekend!
Hugs.
Mary,
Not paniced, but having a concern. Hope you are doing at least "okay" today.
Check in when you can.
(((Hugs!)))
journaling: 4/26/07
our anniversary is tomorrow. 11 years. 'sigh'
i invited him for dinner tomorrow and he agreed. i don't think he has a clue about the date. he hasn't always been good about anniversaries or birthdays. so i'm thinking he agreed on dinner just because it gives him time with the kids, not because of our anniv.
not gonna mention it to him either. he may just cancel. we'll see what happens. all sorts of good memories are coming up and i'm just missing my husband more. i remember he would sorta forget but i'd quietly mention it to him and he'd come up with the most original surprises. i was never into material things for birthdays or anniversaries. he would always make that day memorable for both of us...........i am missing him so much.
he's at our house every other day but our love isn't. i have no clue if he loves me or if he even misses me. i'm grateful that he's around for our kids, that's for sure! i guess my feelings will have to wait for now. all i care about is our kids feelings, they shouldn't have to feel neglected or abandoned. i'm thankful that he finally saw his kids living life without him and sometimes not even ask about him. things happen for a reason.
Mary,
How about a Happy Anniversary from a cyber friend?
I agree w/you, our thoughts/feelings take second to our children. They are the innocent ones who need our help the most.
BTW, no offense taken on my thread.
My MIL gives me h##l every so often & I need to be swatted to keep my focus on track and not become a doormat.
Start a new tradition & let this day/date be about the kids. Celebrate it, because if it had not happened, the children would not be here.
Hugs!
Mary,
Now I am starting to become concerned.
Where are you?
hi maris,
been busy with work, kids, MLC husband, and moving AGAIN. i'm moving into my brothers house because he's in the process of upgrading/repairing and so i need to step in and help him. rent is more expensive...lots more but it is the house my H and I moved into before he left. i feel it's my responsibility to help my brother sell the house since my looney husband left us in limbo.
anyway, i'm doing good. emotionally and physically. BUT it's the BEST MEDICINE FOR ME RIGHT NOW. i don't want to think about you know who. BTW, our 11 yr anniv was April 27. funny thing is i called and asked if he wanted to get some drinks. he said ok. me and the kids met him and had a great time. i raised my glass and said cheers. he asked what we were celebrating. UGH! like he didn't know. i told him it was number 11. he paused and smiled. it's been 11 yrs already??? he knew what day it was, but i decided not to point it out too much. things went great the rest of the evening. he asked if i could get a sitter and i said yes. i couldn't believe my ears. my mother took the kids and we went off and had a WONDERFUL time. ofcourse on the back of my mind i was wanting to pinch myself and say STOP IT, this is only temporary. just go with the flow. God knows best.
he's been spending more time at my place which makes me think he's comfortable. however, what if that just makes him wanna stay with the way things are. he comes and goes and no responsibilities..........i don't want to give him an ultimatum. i've come this far with him and i don't want to ruin things. but i don't want him coming and going as he pleases. he's been great at home, helping out and things so maybe i should just "go with the flow". the more i push the more he'll back away.............right?
Mary,
Glad to read you and kids are okay. Your brother is lucky to have you as a sister. I agree w/you, helping family is what we should/need to do.
Your last paragraph is exactly what I feel and am living with at the moment. No pushing, becuase yes, he will back off. This is where we find it the hardest to keep our mouths shut & let our MLC spouses work out their own demons.
Isn't it frustrating & irritating how the MLCer won't "talk" to us or anything? AND here we are their number one supporter.
<sigh>
How was your weekend?
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Mary,
Thought I would check in before heading out for the weekend. I still send prayers daily (mulitple times) for us.
Sent an update when you can.
Hugs!!!
Mary,
Just checking in.
Have been taking time off from the BB to focus on my second job, M/R, child, family & myself.
Will be checking in every few days, so drop a line when you can.
Hugs!
Mary,
Thinking of you daily. It is amazing how similiar our threads are and what we are going through together.
We have come along way, especially when we review our previous threads.
Hugs!
Mary--
I hope you'll check out Nomopo's post: "Gauging interest in a near-term DB Austin event", under "Just for Fun". Sounds like you might be in town? Maybe a nice opportunity to go stepping out.
Delia
hi MariS,
hope you're doing ok. how are things in limboland?
Mary,
The next 24hrs to 10 days is going to be very tough, just journaled on my thread.
Very happy to see what you wrote & sending you positive PMA!!!
Journaling:
Husband agreed to "view" things and sort them out. Slowly but surely he'll move back in. He doesn't want to jump into anything with a snap of a finger either. I agree. What's worse than for him to move in today and then realize he made a mistake by next week? I've been this patient for the manopausal man, might as well wait a couple more months. no biggie. things are riding smoothly so far.
Mary,
What a "good" attitude to have. Only thing is to make sure you/we don't slip back into our old selves and run them off, again.
At least yours will talk/discuss, mine just keeps ignoring & sweeping under the rug. <sigh>
Sending you PMA, Atta Girls, and Hugs!!!
Mary,
Checking in to how you are doing. (?)
Hugs!
Mary,
Checking in as promised.....
How are you?
Please update when you can. I promise to login in again this week before I head out of town on Friday.
Hugs and PMA
;-)
Mary,
Checking in on you.
Have been thinking about you and sending positive thoughts and prayers. Update when you can.
Hugs!
Mary
Checking in on you and hope you are well.
???
Hugs
Mary,
Are you doing okay????
Sending you PMA & thoughts/prayers.
Hugs!
Journaling.....
whew! it's been a while since i've posted. i'm reading my old posts and man have i come a long way. EMOTIONALLY that is. i look back at how sad i was with all this mess. i wish i could go back and slap myself and say WAKE UP.....things are gonna be just fine, you'll see!!!!
we live and learn.
anyhow, things are so much better for me. i feel good about myself, my business, my family and my future. the only thing is my health. i have always had THE hardest time working out. i'm in no danger health wise, but i see all these young single women out there and i just wanna scream! why can't i get myself in gear? i go to the pharmacy and look at all the diet pills on the shelves. which one to take? i once took Trimspa and my face blew up. i was allergic. go figure. i've tried Metabolife (when it had ephedra), Dexatrim, and even prescribed pills. problem with all of them is that i get so jittery that i freak out. i don't like feeling like i'm gonna jump off a roof because i'm so high on caffeine. know what i mean? so last year i was working my butt off, 6 days a week no pills. i lost a lot of weight and i felt GREAT! these days, i don't feel like working out but i feel sluggish. so there's my problem nowadays. trying to stay fit, keep looking young even though i've got a couple of grays, and staying positive about everything.
Marriage is good.
to this day i can't believe those words come out of my mouth. we do have our spats but not like before. i hold my tongue when it comes to the past. why bring up negativity. if i want to move forward i have to let go of the past. things happened the way they did for a reason. i don't want to rack my brain over it though. i'm 34 now..........i need to look forward to 40 and my kids graduating.
then what? i'll be 40, no kids at home couple of years after, i won't feel 20ish.......
wouldn't be a hoot if i went into MLC???? wait, i think they call it menopause!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow! What a change. It's nice to hear a success story. Thanks for giving the rest of us an update. Here's hoping that you continue to rack up one success after another on the road to marital bliss.