Like a ton of bricks. - 02/09/07 05:26 PM
First off, I hope this is the correct place to be posting this. It's my first post, so I'm not sure.
I will keep my story brief, as it seems to be echoed by so many others here that it will probably be repetitive!
My STBXW and I were married in August '05, she dropped the bomb on 10/14/06. I am 38, she is 31. I admitted to making mistakes at that time (mostly a case of me taking the marriage and her for granted) and wanted to fix the problems/seek counseling. She originally said no to everything, said she'd had enough. Gave me the famous ILYBINILWY line that tore my heart out. Then she said she thought we should separate for a time, to get some space. That was also in mid-October, and she hasn't returned. I know now that the minute she walked out the door she wasn't coming back.
She insists that there is no OM, I don't want to believe her. My theory is that if there is no OM, then she really is gone forever. At least if she were seeing someone else she might someday realize that the grass isn't always greener and come back. As it is, she chooses to be alone over being with me. And that really hurts.
Anyway, she agreed to go to counseling and 'work on things' but that too was a charade. I found out recently that she did those things 'because I asked her to' and not for the right reasons. Not surprisingly the counseling didn't help. Any time we did spend together seemed forced and mechanical. It was clear that she was not interested in making an effort to make things work.
Another one of our issues was children. She always wanted them, I was extremely hesitant. I didn't really think I was ready, and kept putting her off. The irony here is that mere days before she dropped the bomb I was going to tell her that after doing a lot of thinking on my own I realized that I wanted children as well. It was like a switch was flipped, my outlook had changed. Of course, telling her this information after she dropped the bomb was meaningless. She dismissed it as me trying to say anything to get her to come back. This has made the whole process that much harder. Now I am someone who wants children but is faced with trying to start over at 38 years old!
The thing that really gets me is just how detached she is. If I never contacted her we would never talk. I tried applying some of the DB principles early on, but to no avail. She seems like a completely different person and I cannot understand why she is doing what she is. She acknowledges that I am making positive changes, changes she can see, but says it's too late. She tells me that she has lost that 'feeling' and she doesn't feel she should compromise that in her life.
The other day she told me that she wanted to remain close friends after it was all over. I thought, are you crazy??? How does that work exactly, do I call you up and ask you what I should wear for a date I'm going on? Do you tell me what a great guy you found? Seriously, what is she thinking??
Lots of questions, not many answers. I have sort of decided that the answers don't really matter. The only thing that matters is that she has checked out of the relationship and she's not coming back. I need to accept that, but when things hit you from out of the blue it's hard. Outside of infidelity, I cannot think of anything she could have done that would lead me to want to divorce her. I think we just think about the vows of marriage differently.
Anyway, it has felt good to unload all of this, and I welcome any responses. I sort of just blurted out a bunch of things so I'm sure I'm forgetting many of the details. I hope it was at least somewhat coherent for people to be able to follow...
I will keep my story brief, as it seems to be echoed by so many others here that it will probably be repetitive!
My STBXW and I were married in August '05, she dropped the bomb on 10/14/06. I am 38, she is 31. I admitted to making mistakes at that time (mostly a case of me taking the marriage and her for granted) and wanted to fix the problems/seek counseling. She originally said no to everything, said she'd had enough. Gave me the famous ILYBINILWY line that tore my heart out. Then she said she thought we should separate for a time, to get some space. That was also in mid-October, and she hasn't returned. I know now that the minute she walked out the door she wasn't coming back.
She insists that there is no OM, I don't want to believe her. My theory is that if there is no OM, then she really is gone forever. At least if she were seeing someone else she might someday realize that the grass isn't always greener and come back. As it is, she chooses to be alone over being with me. And that really hurts.
Anyway, she agreed to go to counseling and 'work on things' but that too was a charade. I found out recently that she did those things 'because I asked her to' and not for the right reasons. Not surprisingly the counseling didn't help. Any time we did spend together seemed forced and mechanical. It was clear that she was not interested in making an effort to make things work.
Another one of our issues was children. She always wanted them, I was extremely hesitant. I didn't really think I was ready, and kept putting her off. The irony here is that mere days before she dropped the bomb I was going to tell her that after doing a lot of thinking on my own I realized that I wanted children as well. It was like a switch was flipped, my outlook had changed. Of course, telling her this information after she dropped the bomb was meaningless. She dismissed it as me trying to say anything to get her to come back. This has made the whole process that much harder. Now I am someone who wants children but is faced with trying to start over at 38 years old!
The thing that really gets me is just how detached she is. If I never contacted her we would never talk. I tried applying some of the DB principles early on, but to no avail. She seems like a completely different person and I cannot understand why she is doing what she is. She acknowledges that I am making positive changes, changes she can see, but says it's too late. She tells me that she has lost that 'feeling' and she doesn't feel she should compromise that in her life.
The other day she told me that she wanted to remain close friends after it was all over. I thought, are you crazy??? How does that work exactly, do I call you up and ask you what I should wear for a date I'm going on? Do you tell me what a great guy you found? Seriously, what is she thinking??
Lots of questions, not many answers. I have sort of decided that the answers don't really matter. The only thing that matters is that she has checked out of the relationship and she's not coming back. I need to accept that, but when things hit you from out of the blue it's hard. Outside of infidelity, I cannot think of anything she could have done that would lead me to want to divorce her. I think we just think about the vows of marriage differently.
Anyway, it has felt good to unload all of this, and I welcome any responses. I sort of just blurted out a bunch of things so I'm sure I'm forgetting many of the details. I hope it was at least somewhat coherent for people to be able to follow...