...Now he is done, dead inside, and in some type of emotional affair.he won't touch me except if it is the middle of the night and it is subconscious. No sex.
Is there anything I can do now? I finally get it but am afraid it is too late. What types of things would HD husbands want?....
HD husbands want to feel loved and validated.
MWD is really good at solid practical advice to troubled marriages, read her books and articles.
You asked about "things that an HD husband would want."
Well as an HD husband whose wife saw the light during therapy with a sex therapist, let me share some of what I think are important.
First and foremost, I was the one initially trying to save the marriage and not my wife, so this may not work for you at all. It may be too late, or not....only your husband can deside that.
My advice is to figure out how to make your husband feel loved and appreciated. Each person needs different things, and so I can't tell you about what your husband will need. Personally, I like Chapmans 5 LL approach to figuring out what makes a person feel loved.
My suggestion to you would be to carefully examine what you and your H use to do when you dated, and when he seemed really happy.
Many men need to be physically touched to feel loved. That is me. If my wife sits next to me and touches my shoulder, runs her finger through the hair on my head or the hair on my chest, I melt and feel loved.
I know men who feel loved when they come home and their wives have dinner ready for them.
I know men who feel loved when their waves complement them and praise the good things that they do.
I know men who feel loved when their wives give them presents, litting things in a packed lunch, text messages during the day, little notes, etc.
You need to figure out what it is that makes your H feel loved and then see to it that he gets the love he needs from you and not the OW, with whom he is having an affair.
Next, if you think he is having an affair, get yourself tested for STD's. Seriously. If nothing else, it may give him a reason to think about why he should be faithful to you. You owe it to your children if not yourself to get tested.
Make him feel useful, loved and wanted.
When you get the chance to have sex with your H make the most of it. Make it as wonderful an experience for him as you can. Make it something that he will want more of. Tell him that you want sex with you to be the best sex of his life. One sex therapy exercise is to ask him what the best sex was he ever had with you. Then figure out how you can try to repeat that, maybe not the same night he tells you, but try to repeat it and this time try to make it even better. (P.S. for most men, the best sex they have had is when the woman they are with is very enthusiastic in her enjoyment of the sex and the man feels like he has been a great lover as well as having had great sex.)
Most (not all) men really like, enjoy recieving oral sex. If it is something he likes and something you can handle, get yourself a book or a couple of DVD's on how to improve your technique. Be his enthusiastic oral sex partner and take absoulte delight in his body.
Also, most men really like it when a woman tells him how much she likes his body and his penis. While corny, men still like being told how wonderful their penis feels, how exciting it is to their favorite woman, and oh yes, most men like to be told how wonderfully big, firm and full it feels by a woman.
Speaking of DVD's, if you have really been "driving him" away for the past 12 years, then he has probably shifted his satisfying of sexual needs to masturbation and porn, as well as OW. If you can handle it, you might want to see how you can fit into his "new" sexuality as well as being a traditional option. What I am trying to say is if he is now really into porn, figure out how it can be something that you and he do together that brings you together as opposed to his way of emotionally distancing himself from you.
I want to complement you on "getting it" and realizing that you has a lot of responsiblity for where you marriage is and that while not trilled with his affair, you still are trying to save your marriage. That takes a lot of courage. Change on your part to the point where he sees it and starts reacting to the change, will take a while, especially if he is not going to your ST counseling. Remeber that you can not and should not try to force your husband to change, but you can reinforce any positive changes in him and you can change how you act to him so that he has to change how he acts toward you (you just have to let him determine what his new behaviors are).
Good luck to you.