What a Mess I've Made! - 02/27/08 10:12 PM
Well, at least I know my M is still in one piece, but barely! You guys wouldn't recognize me one bit if you could actually see (or talk) to me right now. You would be thinking "this CANNOT be the same Red we know."
I am so physically & mentally whacked out right now, from allowing myself to become addicted to the pain meds for a bit over 5 months or so, I don't know which end is up anymore.
I went to rehab and thought I was really going to be better, but I'm still on all sorts of anti-depressants, etc. The other day I realized I could barely LITERALLY get out of bed - physically - and couldn't remember the last time I had eaten.
Now, please don't worry about the boys. I always make sure they are taken care of and always - try anyway - to act "as if" nothing is even wrong, but I realized the other morning I was about as bottom as bottom gets!!
Of course, when I first called him & had to tell him I was addicted to pain meds & had to check myself into rehab at first, he was angry, which I understand. He was confused & didn't know how to react or what to think and obviously could do not a darn thing from over there.
I emailed him today and got about the best response that I could ever ask for and so I'm honestly starting to LIVE again. I have felt so unhappy w/ myself and my life (and don't know WHY) for so long & just dealt w/ it by taking drugs pretty much. Now I'm picking myself back up, dusting myself off & trying to figure which way to go again. I sound a lot more optomistic than I truly feel, however, I seriously am FINALLY feeling a bit more like myself, like a human being again, like I just might quit "feeling sorry" for myself one of these days and start living & loving again.
I keep asking myself to remind myself how I felt last year about this time when H was deadset on D'ing me. What is he going to come home to find when he comes home in 2 months for good? I keep telling myself "Red, IC would come kick your A$$ if he could right now. You better get your sh!t straight and soon, girl, and get your home ready for H coming home."
Anyway, that's where "I am at" right now. Thankful I have a H who is standing by me -- especially after what we've gone through last year. Please keep me & my boys (all 4 of them) in your prayers! I need all of them I can get!
I am so physically & mentally whacked out right now, from allowing myself to become addicted to the pain meds for a bit over 5 months or so, I don't know which end is up anymore.
I went to rehab and thought I was really going to be better, but I'm still on all sorts of anti-depressants, etc. The other day I realized I could barely LITERALLY get out of bed - physically - and couldn't remember the last time I had eaten.
Now, please don't worry about the boys. I always make sure they are taken care of and always - try anyway - to act "as if" nothing is even wrong, but I realized the other morning I was about as bottom as bottom gets!!
Of course, when I first called him & had to tell him I was addicted to pain meds & had to check myself into rehab at first, he was angry, which I understand. He was confused & didn't know how to react or what to think and obviously could do not a darn thing from over there.
I emailed him today and got about the best response that I could ever ask for and so I'm honestly starting to LIVE again. I have felt so unhappy w/ myself and my life (and don't know WHY) for so long & just dealt w/ it by taking drugs pretty much. Now I'm picking myself back up, dusting myself off & trying to figure which way to go again. I sound a lot more optomistic than I truly feel, however, I seriously am FINALLY feeling a bit more like myself, like a human being again, like I just might quit "feeling sorry" for myself one of these days and start living & loving again.
I keep asking myself to remind myself how I felt last year about this time when H was deadset on D'ing me. What is he going to come home to find when he comes home in 2 months for good? I keep telling myself "Red, IC would come kick your A$$ if he could right now. You better get your sh!t straight and soon, girl, and get your home ready for H coming home."
Anyway, that's where "I am at" right now. Thankful I have a H who is standing by me -- especially after what we've gone through last year. Please keep me & my boys (all 4 of them) in your prayers! I need all of them I can get!
