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Posted By: sgctxok Sex Starved Marriage Coaching (from Dotty) - 02/26/08 05:15 AM
from Dotty, Sex Coach


re: Sex Starved Wife

It is great to see you here, posting about what Michele calls one of the best kept secrets in America. Your support for each other here on this board feels very heart felt. Glad you found your way here. Isn't it helpful to know you are not alone, and that you have a place to talk about all this?

In my work with couples for over a quarter century and as one of Michele's telephone coaches for many years, I've talked with many people for whom this sensitive issue is significant. I am so happy Michele wrote her new book and you can read just how prevalent low sexual desire in husbands really is, to know that you are not alone, even though most people don't talk about it, and to realize it is probably not all about you, as you probably have been thinking. Michele's book dispels this notion. It is normal to feel rejected and have it affect your sense of self. While it is true there may be some things you can do to improve yourself in the situation, primarily, it probably isn't about you at all. Your husband's low sexual desire could be caused by many and varied factors. Check out Michele's book and you will see many possibilities you may not have thought about before, which can provide a sense of relief and hope.

Individual guidance can be found with telephone coaching, in which your specific situation is the focal point. We work as a team, with you being the "field expert." Your coach will help you establish solution oriented goals, rather than continue unhelpful complaining, arguing, etc. In listening to your story as a trained outsider, I often see things from a different perspective and hear possibilities for change. In response, callers often have an "aha" experience which changes some of their blaming and negative feelings, (a relief) and they are primed for new action.

Your first call should end with a plan for some small specific steps to try. Your job then is to try out the plan, and notice what helps, even in the smallest way. Often I talk with folks whose efforts have created small changes, but don't even seem to notice them. Or they notice them, but ignore the significance and fall back into old habits. Your coach can help alert you to those signs you may have missed, help you give yourself the credit due, and keep you motivated to stay on target. The next calls build on small successes and fine tune the plan. Your coach will be your cheer leader and encourage you to continue in the direction of your longer term goals. Sometimes it takes the two of you to kick impatience, anger, and hopelessness out of the way. If there were no hope, Michele's book would be moot, and you all wouldn't be here!!

I'm proud to be a part of Michele's awesome coaching team, all of whom are believers in hope and practical action that works.
We are interested in your feedback about this messageboard and about your experiences with telephone coaching.
Good luck to you all. Keep supporting each other, and spread the word.
Male or female, Coaching can make a difference for your marriage!
this was written for me!!! in an emotionally and sex starved marrage of 26yrs 2 kids. im an attractive 49yr old, who was desperate, and worse off now. in response to what lacking at home after repeadtly asking him, i rekindled a relationship with my one and only love from high school, after this confirmed the lacking attriction at homw was not me, i asked my husband to leave, he eventually found out about my 4 mo. affair. my old flame will not leave his wife and im so emotionally attached its pathetic, we did get together one time! we ended the affair, and my husband is now casanova, will do anything to save marrage!!! trouble is dont feel in love with him anymore. where was he all those years!!! so confused, please help
ps: Dottie is GREAT. I have spoken to her on the phone several times and she is very insightful.
^
wow dottie knows her stuff.
Posted By: robx Re: Sex Starved Marriage Coaching (from Dotty) - 04/06/09 06:25 PM
Originally Posted By: jcneedshelp
this was written for me!!! in an emotionally and sex starved marrage of 26yrs 2 kids. im an attractive 49yr old, who was desperate, and worse off now. in response to what lacking at home after repeadtly asking him, i rekindled a relationship with my one and only love from high school, after this confirmed the lacking attriction at homw was not me, i asked my husband to leave, he eventually found out about my 4 mo. affair. my old flame will not leave his wife and im so emotionally attached its pathetic, we did get together one time! we ended the affair, and my husband is now casanova, will do anything to save marrage!!! trouble is dont feel in love with him anymore. where was he all those years!!! so confused, please help


I hear this repeatedly, I told my husband I need this & that but did you really tell him what you really wanted? Based on the research I've been reviewing, the lack of true communication is what caused this, your inability to communicate your real needs to your husband. Before you start up in an uproar, here is some real communication and this is real and blatant and direct and to the point and then after reading this, tell me if you actually said this:

" I am bored in this relationship, I require really good sex every xx days/weeks and I am starved for it. I am feeling unloved & unwanted and I can't continue in this relationship without these things that I call basic necessities. I don't want to exist in a marriage just to exist, if you can't give me what I want which is sex and not just any sex, good sex and attentive sex, and touching & massaging and communicating,etc. Then I will divorce you and proceed to get it elsewhere, I will not be unheard and I will not be ignored anymore. I don't tell this to be mean to you but I have to be honest with what my body needs & wants."

Tell me this is what you told your husband before you had your affair.

Before you tell me that he wouldn't have done anything to change, you just mentioned that he's acting like "casanova and will do anything to save the marriage". Fear of loss will inspire anyone to change. The real issue is communication and HONESTY, you weren't honest with your husband about your needs and didn't really want to give him the a chance at helping fulfill those needs - it's not because he didn't want to or couldn't. You couldn't be honest with him and more importantly yourself about you wanted and you feel now that you are entitled to affairs because of this.

Men are not mind readers and neither are women because if women were, they could read men's minds and basically find out that men are clueless when it comes to this.

Please respond and tell me you gave your husband this conversation before you had your affair.

Yes you're an emotional wreck now, you're dealing with guilt of the affair, you see that your husband would have done something, you are angry because you weren't honest and you probably look at your husband like he's pathetic & worthless. True love is committment & honesty. Being in love for women is what men call being infatuated, something new is definitely something sexy & exciting. Once the lustre of the affair is gone or once the other man leaves, you are left with coming down off a powerful high similar to drugs (tell me I'm wrong) and now you're looking for your next fix (desperate & worse off now)

I hate to say that I'm wrong on this, I wish I was but the stuff I've been reading really paints a whole new picture on all of this.

You either commit whole-heartedly to your marriage, be honest about your needs and what it is you want or divorce your husband. You entered this relationship model with your husband and created a new model without your husband: the only way out of this is to be honest & communicate what you need or divorce - there is no other way out. The longer you live in this holding pattern, the more you will hurt yourself and your husband.

And one other tidbit to add to this, is it possible your husband went through something similar with you but instead of being honest with his needs because he felt largely ignored about he wanted that he gave in, lost his excitement for life and just planned to exist in life without ever getting anything from his wife? The difference is this, he didn't cheat on you, he chose to remain faithful and just suffer because he loved you.

I'm not saying any of this be hard on you, and I won't label you a cheater, but I will tell you that you made the wrong decision or decisions in your marriage. You can turn this around and make your marriage something different and something great or you can chase a "feeling" because we both know you're not chasing a person. You enjoyed the feeling of being "high" (that's the feeling infatuation produces similar to being on cocaine or heroine) and the feeling you have now is even worse, it's like coming off of crack, you have that addicted feeling and are crashing hard. You probably even spent some time crying, in agony, maybe you couldn't leave your bed for a few days, nothing can console you and you probably even place some or all of this blame on your husband whenever you see him and whenever he tries to please you it makes you even angrier at him.

If I knew your phone number I would call your husband and tell him exactly what he needs to do with you, which is to be firm, give you a bit of a kick in the ass and be a real man with you and let you know that what you did was wrong but he still loves you and forgives you and won't label you as a cheater but he can't live with someone who want be honest, communicative and real about what a committed marriage is about.

So how close was I to any of this, take into account we are both anonymous & remote, please be honest with all of this.
Robx,

You responded to a post that was made in May of 2008. The member has not been active since 2008. Just wanted to let you know that you might not receive a reply.

I think that your post was tremendous, by the way.

Lucky
Posted By: robx Re: Sex Starved Marriage Coaching (from Dotty) - 04/07/09 12:08 AM
that's too funny, I just noticed that now, oh well, maybe some new activity in this thread will get others to chime in and verify or deny if any of my long winded verbose speech actually rings true for their respective situations.

Lucky, thank you for bringing me back down to earth, I was standing pretty comfortable at 10feet tall, but hey 5'8" isn't all that bad when you get used to it.

Have a great day!

....rob ;-)
Posted By: HJR Re: Sex Starved Marriage Coaching (from Dotty) - 04/17/09 05:29 PM
Rob.
This is just my second day on here and i just pasted my story into this forum.. suggested by another member..I read your post and it was good..and you are right..
But sometimes you dont really know exactly what it is you want, just that you do want more of something..
When you get a chance.. read my post.. then i will expand w/ you b/c its interesting to get a mans view..
Briefly..i got involved w/ sex chat online..I know.!! i know!! but it happened rather unexpectedly and soon became a problem..
BUT.. through that.. it helped me realize some of the things i did want from my husband and we have had some pretty frank discussions about it since then, that is one of the only positives to come from it i guess.. it has put me back in touch w/ that part of my brain that has felt dead for years..problem is he feels he cant "compete" w. these people on line.. i have since quit but he feels i have had an affair.. which i disagree, I told him it wasnt a competition.. i would love nothing better than to get this from him.. but he is so reserved and restrained.. he cant let go.. and i dont know how to help him.. I have been pretty explicit for the first time ever in what i want from him.. he says he cant.. and its not something "crazy" or wild.. or off color.. he tries.. but just feels like he cant..anyway..
please take the time to read my post and hope to hear back..You seem like a pretty level headed man.. so it will be good to hear from you..
Hello HJR and Rob,
I agree with Rob's post, i thought that it was great and certainly 'spoke' to me, as i was in a similar situation to the one Rob responded too (see my thread in my signature).
Originally Posted By: HJR
i have since quit but he feels i have had an affair.. which i disagree,

HJR, have you read any of Michelle's books? she explains in detail that what you did is indeed THE SAME THING as having an affair in that it damages the R and destroys trust just like an affair does.
It's great that you were able to have that frank, open discussion with your H about your needs, just like Rob recommended. And if he's willing to try to satisfy you, but 'just can't', perhaps the 2 of you can see a sex therapist (not necessarily together at first, but the same one separately and then together, for ex?)
best of luck to you, HJR, i know that i still have a LOT of work ahead to rebuild wiht my H so that we don't have an SSM anymore.
robx,
that was some great stuff. to bad the stitch didn't continue.
I enjoyed it!
EDITED - inappropriate content.

This user has been banned.
Originally Posted By: primoo
...In my point of view if you are starved from marriage leave your partner and got divorce. thanks for sharing problem.


Facinating URL tagline? I suppose that advertising in that line of work is important. I guess having a different line of work and interests, I have a different perspective.

From my perspective if one is in a sex starved marriage, one has probably contibuted to that situation in some way. After realizing that one has a problem and you need to figure out a few more things:

(1) What you can do to change the situation, as you have probably helped create the situation in some way either through actions or inactions.

(2) What you really want in your life and what your priorities are? (Is family, marriage, financial security, friendship, or sex more important? Are their interpersonal skills, education, physical fitness things, etc. you need to work on to be the person you want to be?)

Then depending on your feelings for your spouse and what you want for yourself, you should plot your new course in life and change your life, while offering your spouse as much love and support for any changes they wish to make in their life. Then you and your spouse will either remain close to you or you drift apart through steady change on your part until divorce is obvious to both of you.

Again, just a different perspective.
looks like things are pretty quiet here. I'm looking for tips to rekindle some romance. Neither of us are very interested but I think it'd do us both good.
My 180 is still proving to be tough because I'm still in our home with my wife and children. Which don't get me wrong, I am completely gratefull for, but is very trying to say the least.
Interactions with her are pretty limited and very impersonal, and it seems as though she is completely disconnected. As my focus through the holidays has been my children, and as I'm cooking, cleaning, and looking after my children. She is having lunch with friends, glued to her phone, and kinda in another world.
I told her Christmas Day that I would not be moving out, because I chose not to...her response was pretty limited, and she agreed that she couldn't still say that she didn't have hope for our R. But REALLY, actions Speak louder than words....
What your observing is you are no longer a priority to her. Doing more, being more responsible and loving will not help you here. Id get out of that house, stop talking to her and stop helping her. You could also cheat on her to shock her. Do what everyone else tried to do and you get tge same result. Id let that cheater go if I were you.
Originally Posted By: Chrispy
My 180 is still proving to be tough because I'm still in our home with my wife and children. Which don't get me wrong, I am completely gratefull for, but is very trying to say the least.
Interactions with her are pretty limited and very impersonal, and it seems as though she is completely disconnected. As my focus through the holidays has been my children, and as I'm cooking, cleaning, and looking after my children. She is having lunch with friends, glued to her phone, and kinda in another world.
I told her Christmas Day that I would not be moving out, because I chose not to...her response was pretty limited, and she agreed that she couldn't still say that she didn't have hope for our R. But REALLY, actions Speak louder than words....
While your family is all together during this Holiday season, it is not easy to work through these problems alone. Help from a Divorce Busting Coach would be extremely helpful right now. Take this time and opportunity to learn what you can say and do differently, to bring about positive responses from your wife. Call me and I'd be happy to discuss our coaching program
303-444-7004
I wish very much that I could do the coaching, but unfortunately I can't afford it...It seems as if I just had someone to talk to right now. For someone to listen to what's going on right now. More than anything right now I feel very alone, as she acts like everything is roses. I feel like she is doing this to get underneath my skin....and as much as it does I refuse to let her see it....
I know that she knows she is making a bad decision by choosing to not work on things, but her mind seems to be made up at this point....
All that being said, I will not move out...I must rely on The Lord for strength and patience....please Lord.....
DLS- your comment on my post is in appropriate. I wish to resolve things with my marriage, not create more decention.
Chrispy, if you've read any of Michele's books, you know that what DLS advised is considered part of the Last Resort Technique. Not something to try until less drastic measures have proven fruitless.

Oh, except the "cheat on her" thing. Michele would never advise that!

If you can get what you want without bombing everything, that's always best in my opinion.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
Chrispy, if you've read any of Michele's books, you know that what DLS advised is considered part of the Last Resort Technique. Not something to try until less drastic measures have proven fruitless.

Oh, except the "cheat on her" thing. Michele would never advise that!

If you can get what you want without bombing everything, that's always best in my opinion.


I agree with what she is saying. I learned all about the "power dynamics" that occur in these situations, and what was funny is some of the "bad" advice will get a cheaters attention, but to also change the light in which they view what they are doing.

When they are doing their affairs, they think it is special, that they are in love, that it is unique.

When you do it to them, they no longer get to look on you as someone who is codependant on them for the sex. It also diminishes the light of their own cheating.

It's not good advice, but last resort advice like it was said.

The other thing that we accepted after years of these. One of the loudest things you can do to get a cheaters attention is to cut off communication.

If you were supporting your cheating spouse, you cut off support and communications. Allow them to hit rock bottom on their own. It takes time.

The 180 is also a great manuever, removing your codependancy from the cheater and allowing you to have growth and repair in the face of a bad situation.
Chrispy, I recommend starting your own thread on Newcomers, you'll definitely find people to listen and offer advice and support.
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