Let's Help Each Other to do a 180 in our Looks

Hi Everyone,

I don't know if this will get off the ground, but I wanted to see if any of you were interested in joining me in this project. Since we already have this new forum about not forgetting about ourselves, I thought this would fit here. If any of you have read my story then you know I was an almost WAW. I met OM over the internet and it turned into an EA. Mainly b/c I was going through MLC (which I didn't realize), I just thought I was having a hard time facing the next birthday. I was beginning to see my youth and looks disappear rapidly and it was hard on me. The OM fed my ego and made me feel beautiful. He was a little younger than me but he said it made no difference. I was very flattered and I worked hard to look good for him. I lost weight, started exercising, had my hair colored differently, really spruced up with the make-up and clothes. Several people made comments about how good I was looking. I even walked with more pep in my step.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I did not leave my H and remained in the M. The thing is......I immediately started putting the weight back on and letting myself go. I tried to keep it off but I had no motivation what-so-ever. My H always appreciated me lookig good and never complained about my weight, so why would I not want to look good for him as much as I did for the OM? As one good DB friend told me, I did not have to "win" my H. It wasn't a challenge for me like it was to win the younger OM. And, that is so true with me.....I need the challenge! In fact, if my H was to meet an OW.....oh, I would work myself to death to look good and to keep him. Of course I don't want that to happen, but I just know myself well enough to know that it would be the "challenge". Guess that makes me sound bad, but just being honest. I know I have taken my H for granted in our M. But, it's not right to let myself go......and I don't want to. Plus, like a lot of others, I have some health problems that makes it very easy to use for excuses. So, I need a support group and I was hoping maybe there were some more out there that had some similar issues and would join me on this forum and we could help each other by journaling and encouraging each other in doing 180's in our appearances/health. I know by reading there are a lot of you that have low self esteem and I think this may be a way we could help each other with that problem. It doesn't have to be just about weight.

This forum is way down on the list and may not be seen by many b/c I noticed that not many have responded before I wrote this post today. I will wait anxiously to see if any of you are interested.

I don't know that it would be neccessary for everyone to rewrite their story (unless they wanted to), they could just place the link instead. We want to focus on our goals and accomplishments of GAL, and taking better care of ourselves physically, wheather it means to exercise, loose weight, taking medicine, get more sleep, self esteem, cleaning house while holding down a full time job.....whatever.

I think we should have specific goals and short term goals, you know...baby steps (lol) and then move to the next ones. I have discovered that long term goals get rather discouraging for me. I'm the type that I need to see some kind of results pretty soon.

So, I will start with just a few of my own goals.

1. First, I have an app't with my doctor Thursday and I am going to ask him to ween me off the Zoloft b/c it is making me eat everything in sight. I may try Welbutrin.

2. I have a little granddaughter that is overweight and she has moved from the country into town and doesn't get any exercise. I am going to see if she would like to go walking with me every afternoon that the weather permits. This will give us the benefit of exercising plus have time together. I have really neglected her this past year due to my own personal problems.

3. I plan to start today in making "life time" changes in my eating habits. No crazy diets, I've tried those. I know what some of my "triggers" are that set me into a tail-spin of binge eating (like sugar). Even though I did not start the day out good, I'm going to start now anyway. I use to think if I messed up one time, then I might as well wait until the next day to start.....but that didn't work at all b/c ususally I would mess us the next day also. Kind of like waiting for tomorrow to come.....it never does.

Well, that is all I'm going to say at this time. I sure hope somebody out there will join me and let's help each other while we are also working on the MR.

sandi..just a friendly post. Posting that link on everyone's thread is becoming irritating to many and is now looking like 'spam'. It's an old link, doesn't work for everybody and is coming across as a cureall. It might be a good idea to stop it to keep credibility. Just a friendly comment. FIB

Dear Faithisbelieving,

I didn't realize the trouble it would cause. I was excited about what I had found and was trying to get it to mostly the men since it was a free email newletter to them. Plus I was very excited about Michelle's books. Anyway, I got tired of typing to individuals and just got the idea to copy and past the same message and go down the line of active topics. How stupid! I had no idea that people would react the way they did when I was just trying to help. Anyway, I didn't realize it was old to everyone else, some did thank me that were newer to the board. I learned my lesson and won't do it again. I did not even think about "spamming" when I was doing that. Stayed up for hours....lol. Then got kicked of the board and had no idea why. Anyway, they forgave my ignorance and let me come back.

I appreciate your "friendly post". Others told me about the same thing, but it was after I got back on board. I didn't know until it was too late. I tried to go back and appologize to everyone that I sent one of those post to, but I may have missed some. But thanks for caring enough to say something in a nice way. I am here only to try to help others in anyway I can and to reach out to them to help me.

Appreciate you.

Sandi2

So.......it seems as nobody is interested in this topic I tried to start. I will check back in a few days if anyone wants to join me on this effort.

Hang on tight, sandi2!
It's a good topic!

Smiles,
/TIA

Sandi, let me brainstorm with you. In essence, its a GAL/180 regardings looks!

I'm sure the guys will love this! $\:\)$ $\:\)$ $\:\)$ $\:\)$ Smiles to you macho men!

I love to make lists. So here goes:
>>Eat 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. (Watch the salad dressing!)
>>Limit sugar intake, especially sodas or diet drinks.
>>Eat healthy.
>>Eat more fiber. (Keeps you full)
>>Carry healthy energy bars with you for a snack.
>>Do not smoke. Stay away from second-hand smoke. However, if you are a smoker, try to quit.

>>Visit your local bookstore, and look at hairstyle magazines. Choose your favorite, and purchase magazine. Make an appointment with hair stylist, and show stylist how you want your hair done.
>>Try different hair styles (hair straightening, perms, parting of hair, up-dos, etc.), hair colors (color treatments), and hair accessories (scarves, headbands, claws).
>>Go to your local bookstore, and read about make-up application, and which brands are the best.
>>Search the Net on make-up application, and make-up brands.
>>Try on new lipstick colors.
>>Buy new make-up.
>>Get a new wardrobe, and use new complimentary colors. Donate the clothes you no longer want to charity.
>>Start a walking/jogging/running program. Or sign up for a dance class. Exercise is vital!
>>Firm specific body areas with a workout DVD, and/or dumbells.
>>Try on different type of bras that are complimentary to your needs.
>>Do not forget to remove your make-up.
>>Moisturize your skin right after a shower. The emollient stays in longer.
>>Exfolliate your skin to keep the dead cells off. Your face will be smoother.
>>Use sunscreen.
>>Smile more.
>>Do random acts of kindness so others see your true heart.
>>Cry and vent at the right time. You don't want to be caught off-guard with tears, a frown, or frustrated face.
>>If you had a long crying session, slice cold cucumbers into thin pieces, and place it over eyes. It works as a compress - and feels heavenly!
>>Get your eyebrows and face professionally waxed.
>>Indulge in a massage.
>>Soak your feet in warm water and peppermint oil after a long day.
>>Get a manicure and/or pedicure.
>>Indulge in a facial. Do a Google search, and make your own, homemade concoction. Please remember, choose a facial for YOUR skin type.
>>Play with children. They make you laugh! (I'm thinking positive.)
>>Make eye contact with people. Do not feel ashamed just b/c you're going through The Coaster.
>>If you wear glasses, buy a different style!
>>If you wear contacts, change to a different color?
>>Before you buy things at the store, read the labels. Be cautious of unhealthy food.
>>If you want to indulge in something, lets say, chocolate icecream, buy ONE icecream bar. However, if weight is not a problem, do not worry.
>>Hug a female friend or family member. I hear it works wonders.
>>Watch a funny movie. Laughter helps the frustrated face.

Was I helpful?

Perhaps each point does not apply, but it was just a brainstorming session. (I almost wrote brainstorming sexsion!)

Kudos,
/Tia

Hi Sandi!
If you need to jump-start your exercise goals, I suggest buying a pedometer. The least expensive is five dollars. It will count the number of steps that you walk; thus, you can increase it slowly.

It's not too late to start.

Just a side note,
/Tia

Sandi, what are your ideas?

Put on your thinking-cap, and come up with your list.

Think, solutions!
/Tia

Sandi~

Just checking in. How are your 180s going?

Thinking of you,
/Tia

Hi Tia, I guess I gave up on this topic since I couldn't get any more responses. But thanks for the help you were trying to give. I appreciate it.

I'll share what I've learned over the years about weight control. I've never been seriously overweight, but have always been about 10-20 lbs overweight (mainly in the gut). My W is a nutrition major and personal trainer so we've spent a lot of time over the years on this topic.

My W (and me too, now) are firm believers in PORTION CONTROL. We don't diet, we eat what we want (mostly, but not always healthy), but now we really watch the amount we put in our mouths. It really makes a difference. The other comment I'll make is that you ARE going to feel hungry, especially in the beginning because you're cutting your calorie intake, and you just need to get used to that. It feels worse at first, but after a while, your stomach seems to shrink down (I'm not a doctor, so don't exactly know) and eating less actually doesn't feel so bad.

Here are a couple ideas if you struggle with weight control. I'm sure you've heard most of these before. Bottom line is there's no silver bullet -- the diets don't work. Just eat balanced meals, don't cut out all your fun foods, and eat less.

> When you make a plate for yourself, don't let the different foods touch -- make sure you can see some plate between the food!

> Eat slowly and don't take seconds. If your still hungry, drink a large glass of water.

> If you snack a lot, the food producers are coming out with ice cream bars, breakfast bars, etc..., that are only 100 calories a piece. Take one, and only one, and enjoy it.

> I've found that trying to cut out all snacks and fun foods does not work. Just try cutting back how much you have and you'll see a difference.

> Take a smaller bowl or plate. When I want a snack at night, I use either a coffee cup or a salsa dish (about 1/4 to 1/2 cup in size) and put my snack in there. Only about 1 scoop of ice cream fits, or about 15 chips, so that's all I end up having.

> Drink more. And water, not pop. I do drink a couple cups of coffee in the morning, but I get down several large waters during the day (I should even have more) and that does help keep you feeling full after a while.

> Exercise. Even a little bit. Take the stairs at work. Go for a walk after dinner. Go hit the gym. My W and I have found that a good balance of exercise and eating less really works. One without the other (either way) won't really get you results.

OK, I'll bite. As someone who "let herself go" also, I could use some ideas, inspiration, support, whatever. And this, for me, is just GAL and self-care. H will not notice, and I don't care whether or not he does. I need to feel better about myself and how I look an feel. I'm starting my life over again, not that I want to. But I'll have a new job soon (I hope!) and no longer have to concern myself with whether H will like my hair, makeup, what I wear. So I'm trying to think of it as a fresh start.

So--what has anyone done that has made a big difference in your confidence about your appearance? Guys--what do you notice about women ~50 who you consider attractive?

You could categorize me as your typical guy, very visual, very attracted to pretty young women (from a looking perspective, not cheating). But as I've gotten older (and wiser), I find myself attracted to lots of different women, different ages, different looks, etc...

I think I've figured out that the common thread is being "pulled together" and having a lot of self-confidence. There is only so much you can do with what God gave you (and don't get me wrong -- do everything you can with that -- exercise, eat right, etc...). But, at the end of the day, be really happy with that, and go out there with an attitude that you're hot, and you will be. By pulled together, I just mean don't go out or shopping in sweats, looking frumpy, etc... Put on something casual nice that works for you and then go out there and work it the best you can. Put on some make-up (if needed) and do your hair, but don't worry about that too much. Just be confident in who you are -- I find that very attractive. Look people in eye, smile a lot, flirt a little, and be confident you're the best you can be. Strike up a conversation with a stranger -- I'm shy, but have done that recently and I get some great responses.

I find myself more attracted to a woman's attitude these days than the physical features. Just my opinion...

Hoosier, I am older than you but the things I did was pilates--fantastic for posture, and if you hold yourself better you look taller therefore slimmer and it also did wonders for me for the old aches and pains I was getting.
It was quite strenuose(sp) then I had a bit of a car accident so took up yoga and am still doing that Hatha Yoga that is a good all round practise. I love it and it's changed my whole attitude to life.

I also went and got a free makeover at a make-up counter( not sure if I can say which one but go for one of the better make-up people-I used clinque)I don't use much make up but I had had the same stuff and colours for years.Money is tight for me so I didn't actually buy any but put a good foundadtion on my C,mas list and a few other bits.

I also had a person who did my "colours". You forget as you age your skin tone changes and what used to suit whilst it may still be ok,fresh eyes can really show you which colours look great on you.Rather than change my wardrobe again cost, I bought some scarves from a charity shop and have gradually replaced items in my wardrobe. So you can all this stuff on a budget.

I find it I think I look good I act in a different way.
I am not overweight but do have a tum so I am careful about styles and try to exercise but apart from dance and yoga not a gym person.
I hope this gives you a few ideas.

HI Sandi, just gone back and read page one, sorry I hadn't realised this was your thread but I guess what I posted can apply to us all.
How are your goals going. It's easier in the summer to be proactive with these things. I find in the winter months it is so much harder to keep the momentum going,especially when it's dark early and cold outside.

I guess your busy with chapter two of your novel,

Great thread, Sandi!

Maybe you can link it in your signature so more people will see it.

^

Thanks, OTE. I had forgotten I posted anything here! I appreciate your perspective so much!!

I gotta lose weight. At work, I never have time to eat lunch--so that should be helping!! Aside from that, need more exercise. I hate exercise! It's soooo much harder when you're heavy. Hopefully soon I'll be able to afford the Y and can take a Pilates class, which I've always wanted to do.

Thanks, naej. I forgot about this thread! Actually I bought a makeup lesson from the local makeup artist at our church's silent auction back in May. I bid on that sucker the past 5 years, never made it, but this year my guardian angel was keeping those with deep pockets away from signing that sheet, I guess! I have a couple days off work later in the month, maybe I can make the appointment. Might give me confidence when I hit my preliminary divorce hearing.

Hossier,

Hoorah for your guardian angel! That is so cool that you get to meet with a makeup artist. I'm envious!

My little addition to the wonderful things everyone else has already mentioned is to remember that it takes a few weeks to get the hang of a new hairstyle of makeup technique. Be patient with yourself and be persistant. Don't give up just because you can't seem to get the hang of it, or it takes you too long at first. Keep at it. Before you know it your new way of doing "whatever" will be second nature.

Mama,
I started yoga last week.
Got a smokin' hot haircut on Sunday.
And of course, you already know about bob.
Peace. Goldey

I'm interested in doing it with you. I have nothing to lose. I lost alot of weight when I quit drinking and stopped eating because of my W's bomb on me. But now while still heavily depressed about it, I am eating more than I should. I was actually looking pretty good after losing the weight. It didn't matter to my W. But I at least felt better about how I looked. So I am willing to join in with you. I have a treadmill here that I need to get back on for about 50 minutes each night. Being as late as it is, I will start it tomorrow. lol.

How did your H get you back? My WAW still wants a D. She plans to file in 2 weeks. She doesn't care about my looks, money, confidence, etc. She tells me to make all those changes for me and she supports me in it, but don't do it for her, cause she is leaving. She thinks it will be great for our kids. But she has no interest.

Kevin

I would like to do this, however, food is my friend $\:\)$ I can't be a bad friend.

It is interesting to note that my W made the remark, when I was working out and showing the kind of confidence that said 'if you don't want me someone will', that she said 'never been so attracted to me'.. we still haven't been intimate and I gave up the exercise when she didn't leave.. "for now"....

Anyway, I more than Love food. Welbutren, however you spell it is a life saver. I never knew how depressed I was and it helps cut down on eating.

Ok, I've talked myself into trying again... I've got to go eat breakfast now... I'm going to walk today .. that is my resolution..

btw.. has anyone had any success with improving their looks to the point where there cold hearted and fingered W could no longer stand it and decide to seduce their H ( now that could be motivation ).

Ericbreau,

Stopping your exercise regimen "for now" right after she decided not to leave is the worst thing you can show your wife. Your showing her that she has to leave you for you to get off your a$$ and do something for your marriage. Also, you're showing her that you don't care about exercising for yourself and that you're only doing it to keep her from leaving (covert contract) - NOT GENUINE. Don't be so lame.

A man who takes care of himself FOR HIMSELF is HOT to a woman. Until you get to that point, no one is going to want to seduce you. YOU have to make the first move, or your fate will never turn itself around. Put your ego aside and dive into the right mindset before it's too late.

I love food too much, too, but exercise has become more of a real friend. Treat it like a job, punch in at X time, punch out at X time. There is never a good reason not to exercise. If you can find time to eat, you can find time to sweat.

START NOW before she leaves you for good.

Good luck to you.

Lucky

LuckyGirl,

Thank you for the feedback.

Following your logic, how should I respond to my W. since she has quit working out and doesn't take care of herself?

Regards,
Eric

Ericbreau,

A real marriage transcends tit-for-tat or quid pro quo. If you really love your wife for who she is, stop looking at what she is doing. Self care is her issue to deal with. Don't be on her case. It's not going to help her or you. If she feels that you are turned off by her, part of that affects her psyche and will keep her down on herself (not attractive to anyone).

You might be a great force of inspiration for her if you work out and take care of yourself. One of you has to make the first move at some point so that each of you can lift out of the depths of your dark hole together. Since you are here, you have the distinct opportunity of knowing that it can be YOU.

I recommend No More Mr. Nice Guy. Read it!

Lucky

^