Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: InherJourney Michele's DVD - 03/31/05 01:40 PM
I recently ordered Michele's DVD---my H never reads relationship books but agreed to watch this with me. I thought it would be a good idea for the two of us to work together on communication skills---sometimes it all feels so one-sided. I told him it would feel like we're in college taking a psych course together to which he replied, " Then you won't be surprised if I fall asleep."

Anyway, I think this might be a nice opportunity for us since we haven't gone to MC for quite some time. We discussed a few days ago watching an hour of it tonite...I want to see if he brings it up or lets it slide.

Things continue to go well...we ML Tues. on the schedule (H was very loving and attentive but didn't O); he then initiated last nite( in a more raunchy, selfish way). We are still doing the weekly date night thing. I am still challenging H's stubborness/prudishness/defensiveness --I mentioned something about getting the Liberator pillows and he started in with "why would you want that for" but then came around and said "do it if it makes you happy " in a positive way.

IHJ

Posted By: Lillieperl Re: Michele's DVD - 03/31/05 02:22 PM
Liberator pillows
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/01/05 02:54 PM
Thanks Lil...after going on that site I don't need the pillow

H and I watched the first hr of the DVD--- it's really about learning communcation skills than anything specifically related to SSM but I thought I'd discuss it here anyway. It's a tape of Michele giving a seminar in front of an actively participating couples audience...she introduces herself and talks about the painful experience of her own parents' divorce...she also introduces her H and shares anecdotes about their marriage. She goes over a T or F relationship test, and you watch a video of a couple who were on the brink of divorce and are now very enthusiastic and in love again. While watching, my H and I moved close to each other and held hands...it felt intimate.

Michele comes across as personable, warm and knowledgeable...you have to respect a woman who is so invested in saving marriages. She talks about the importance of trying to have an open heart, then discusses the concept of "real giving"---doing things that mean love to your partner. She has the couples in the seminar do an exercise ( trying to guess your partner's top 3 things that show love) and H and I did our own version of this as well.

After we watched, my H commented that a lot of what she said was common sense but very useful to hear, and wanted to listen to more ( we agreed to an hr on Sunday). We went to bed in a very loving mode...he initiated a little lovemaking early this am and also made coffee!

One thing we discovered was that H couldn't see his own behavior and only saw the resultant moodiness it caused in me; I didn't see how my personality was affecting him. We both agreed that I am more cheerful and happier, and he's less defensive and can listen better.

IHJ
Posted By: MustangSally Re: Michele's DVD - 04/03/05 04:13 PM
those liberator pillows have always looked liked they'd be nice if you could make 'em disappear when you weren't using...imagine how much space they take up. Not to mention the "what are those for?" aspect of it.

IHJ, can you please keep posting about your DVD experiences? I have decided H will never try counseling and forget about getting him to read a book.

I'd be amazed if I could get him to sit through DVD's, but it's probably my only hope.
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/03/05 06:56 PM
Hi Sally.

Those pillows do seem more trouble than they're worth, esp if you have kids in the house( I could envision my curious 10 yr old son finding them in my closet and having a field day with them, asking q's and such). I guess I am looking for ways to make sex more fun and open (H and I have always been reserved with each other), but the fact that h and I have been able to get back to a basic, regular SL is an accomplishment in and of itself.

As far as the DVD, we should be watching some more of it tonite and then I'll post an update---my H never reads relationship books and I wanted a way for the two of us to work on things together( we no longer go to MC). I don't mind doing most of the work but I need to know that he is on board. I am familiar with your sich...your H is in that confused, ambivalent place...I certainly know the pain of that ( from my H and within myself as well). I hope that the love and respect in your marriage will eventually outweigh the immaturity and selfishness...it's a long road, and my H and I are trying to stay on the path. The expression, " If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem" comes to mind.

Hope your H gets on track soon---he is missing out on a good, decent life with a wonderful person.

IHJ
Posted By: OG_Lou Re: Michele's DVD - 04/03/05 07:59 PM
IHJ wrotr
------------
( I could envision my curious 10 yr old son finding them in my closet and having a field day with them, asking q's and such).
------------
You could say older people ger joint pains and the cusions help the pain go away and help you to relax. or Sort of like adult bean-bag chairs.

I have to say a regular SL and a good EC is more important than gadgets too.

Interesting video LP.

OG Lou
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/04/05 06:18 PM
H and I watched some more of the DVD...that curious 10 yr old son of mine popped in and wanted to know what we were watching ( I told him a boring tape on marriage and he ran out,lol). He ( and my daughter) are 2 major reasons to put the work into all this.

I was happy to see that my H had a good attitude and was actively listening ( no nodding off ). This part of the tape was about setting relationship goals...Michele asks the couples why is it that people don't make goals for the relationship and are more focused on personal goals ( like losing weight), and people commented that there is a lot of selfishness and "I" thinking in our society, and also there's a belief that good relationships are just supposed to happen. Michele asked the group to write down 2 things that you would like to change/improve in the marriage. She talked about the need to learn to request what you want rather than complain ( which gets met with resistance). The goals you come up with have to be solution-oriented goals...things said in a positive way that are reasonable and doable within a 2 week time frame. This was helpful for me because I tend to be a "big picture" person and I am waiting for that time when things feel really right; by doing this, I am missing out on the progress along the way. I also tend to do things in an all-or-nothing way, instead of making little goals along the way. I know I need to let go of my cynical, negative side a bit more and bring in positivity.

Anyway, I am glad I watched this part and H was too---it feels like we have a road map to a healthier relationship. I feel a little like Ms. Suzy Sunshine today...I set a few goals and got them done, had an upbeat convo with H, and just greeted my cerebral, intense type 5 daughter with a huge hug and some fresh fruit on the table ( she just stared at me with her huge, perplexed eyes).

That's it for now, folks.

IHJ
Posted By: Lillieperl Re: Michele's DVD - 04/04/05 09:52 PM
IHJ wrote
Quote:

This was helpful for me because I tend to be a "big picture" person and I am waiting for that time when things feel really right; by doing this, I am missing out on the progress along the way.


This is such a 4 characteristic. I'm exactly the same way. The 4 wants everything to be all right at the same time; this will put her in the right "mood." Also the 4 appreciates beauty and wants her circumstances to be beautiful and harmonious.

When the 4 is moving toward health, she moves toward the action-oriented, roll-up-you-sleeves-and-get-to-work type 1. We feel better when we get up and accomplish something, but sometimes the inertia is overwhelming.

csw, if you're reading this, I believe you are very much a 4. Being an artist is the first tipoff. Also when the 4 is under stress he moves to 2, which is spending his time fixing and/or micromanaging someone else (caretaker).

Excuse teeny hijack, IHJ. Glad you're feeling upbeat. You're an inspiration to me. After all, when a 4 ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!
Posted By: Michele Re: Michele's DVD - 04/05/05 02:59 AM
Dear IHJ-
I just want to write a quick note to tell you how glad I 'm that you are finding The Marriage Breakthrough helpful. It is such delight when people really want to learn new skills and are working hard to make that happen. You, obviously, are one of those people. I'm also happy that your husband isn't falling asleep while you watch. You know, the interesting thing is, even resistant people can't help but become involved because what I'm saying is so simple, yet often so elusive. If more people would put common sense into practice, I'd be out of a job! My objective is to show people that the answers are often right below their noses. So, congratulations in convincing your husband to do this with you. I hope you both experience the kinds of changes you want in your marriage. You sound well on your way to getting there! Keep up the good work.
Michele
Posted By: csw Re: Michele's DVD - 04/05/05 12:55 PM
IHJ, you're calling in the big gun on this one!!!!!

If I can slow things down a bit, I would like to get W to watch the DVDs with me. It sounds like the right medicine, I just need to get her to share it with me.
Please keep up the report.
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/06/05 10:59 AM
CSW... I have been reading your thread and admire the way you're handling your stressful situation...I don't know what form it will take or when it will be, but there will eventually be a silver lining...stay strong, my friend.

This weekend is my birthday and H has been yanking my chain a bit, saying stupid stuff like we really don't need to do anything, that we are going away for a few days at the end of the month, tht we have to go to a wedding on Sun. so no need to do anything birthday related. It's been a long yr and I am really not in the mood for the teasing but hadn't said anything. I remembered something from the DVD...if you want something, don't complain, just request it, so I actively said to H that I wish he would say something nice about my b-day, that he wanted to take me out, instead of all this other junk, and he got it! He looked me in the eyes and said he wanted me to have a wonderful birthday. The words had the right feeling, and that's all I need.

Don't sulk, complain, brew or nag... just state what you want... he's not a mind reader ( gotta remember this one).

Planning to watch more of the tape tomorrow.

IHJ---who got a post from Michele...yaaaaayyy!!!!!!
Posted By: csw Re: Michele's DVD - 04/06/05 12:19 PM
IHJ, Thanks for the optimism. I have been trying that tact with W, calmly requesting NC. It seems to be having an effect on her, but I am not sure if it will be a good one. I think I will order the DVDs and watch them, with or without her. Perhaps if I am watching it, she will watch with me. I wish our 'brary had copies!

Maybe your H is planning a surprise for you, maybe that is why he was playing down the ocaission. You are setting a good example here, and the big boss has noticed!
Posted By: honeypot Re: Michele's DVD - 04/06/05 01:08 PM
You know, my library (which is one of the best in the nation) has surprisingly few MWD materials. Does anyone know how you go about requesting they purchase certain items? I seem to remember that you fill out a "request" and they may or may not fill it..

Posted By: csw Re: Michele's DVD - 04/06/05 01:16 PM
HP, In light of your R book burnout, why not donate your copies? That is the best way to get them in the collection. That is my plan when I am done with my collection (most anyway) My library has a request form of some sort, but funding is limited. I f your 'brary is so good, they may have the bucks for the books. Request, have your hubby request, & who knows? Luckily, my 'brary is part of a county wide system that includes a big city, so interlibrary loans are available for a ton of books, for $.50 a pop.
Posted By: honeypot Re: Michele's DVD - 04/06/05 01:26 PM
Ooh yeah, I forgot about that! I can do an interlibrary loan from da big city. Good idea, csw.

I actually only have a few copies of my own of R books. I check most of them out from the library. And the ones I have I want to keep, plus I wrote in em.
I hardly ever buy books, even though I lurv to read, because we do not have the excess cash to spend on expanding our personal library. It is funny to look at our book collection now...it's sorta stunted at the age we were before kids and prior to me quitting my job. Lots of history books, etc. Nary a sign that we would soon be parents and have a collection of Mercer Mayer books displayed instead of our really cool Civil War ones. lol

Well, Journey, you have almost talked me into forking over the cash for the CD's. I think that H would watch with rapt attention. That is actually a fabulous idea. He can't stay awake for reading a R book, but he loves to watch or listen to CD's.
Did you buy them off this website?
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/06/05 05:02 PM
Hi Honey,

Yes, I got the DVD thru this website...as I've said, I wanted a way to share relationship talk with H rather than figuring it out on my own here.

I know my H will not watch this a second time...if you'd like, I would be happy to mail you my copy when we're done, which should be in a few weeks.

IHJ

Posted By: honeypot Re: Michele's DVD - 04/06/05 05:11 PM
Sounds great! Let me know when you are done and we can make arrangements then.

xo

P.S. Has he said any more about it? What are the parts that are 'speaking' to him the most? Come on, curious minds want to know..
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/07/05 12:22 PM
Hiya HP...it's a deal...and then you can pass it to csw, and on and on,lol.

Hoping to have time to watch it tonite....we really don't discuss it, but what I like is that H is eager to do it...there's none of that dread we both felt when we'd go off to MC.

Huggs to you HP...

IHJ
Posted By: csw Re: Michele's DVD - 04/07/05 12:39 PM
IHJ, Don't forget the boss is reading... you are undercutting her sales!!! LOL

I splurged for a coaching session, and should have bought the cd's instead. I had a very good coaching experience, but it came at a time when I was not seeing the full picture of W's A, and a time when I felt much more hopeful. I don't regret the session, but it is more temporary and less tangible than a dvd.

HP, I have splurged on a number of books, before remembering the 'brary. We moved out of county, into the country, so I wrote off the 'brary as WAY too small. A friend pointed out that for a mere $30.00, I could get a card from our old county. Since then, I have checked out several dozen books! I will keep many that I bought, but I don't think I will need SSM anymore If I do, it will be at the 'brary!

IHJ, happy viewing!
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/07/05 01:11 PM
Quote:

IHJ, Don't forget the boss is reading... you are undercutting her sales!!! LOL







Lol csw. I believe the reason Michele is so successful is due to her genuine passion for saving marriages. She is sending out a great message, that no matter how screwed up your marriage is, you can re-set the program by learning skills that bring about closeness. The lesson I have learned is that "just being myself" has not been good enough to create a loving marriage...the changes I am making following this program don't feel threatening to my sense of self because the suggestions are so common sense. I just feel happier knowing I am being more positive. Michele's approach offers hope and optimism.

IHJ--- so where's my commission,lol
Posted By: Lillieperl Re: Michele's DVD - 04/07/05 02:14 PM
Quote:

The lesson I have learned is that "just being myself" has not been good enough to create a loving marriage...the changes I am making following this program don't feel threatening to my sense of self because the suggestions are so common sense.


Please say more about this. Very interesting.
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/07/05 03:39 PM
Lil... I am realizing that even though I think I am a decent person who was doing a decent job of being a good spouse, the fact of the matter is that the results weren't showing that...my H and I were unhappy for yrs. It's like I could fool myself into thinking I am doing a good job eating the right foods, doing exercise, etc. but if the scale still says the weight is up, then something is wrong.

I feel I have learned a lot from many different resources...PM helped me to strengthen myself ( I will lose weight even if H is bringing home doughnuts), UL principles can help calm me down when I am having extreme anxiety ( in this analogy, stopping myself from bingeing when I am not hungry) and learning Michele's techniques are helping me set goals, stay with whats working, make changes as neeeded and be positive. I see JJ's new way of being passively HD as "doing a 180"...she hasn't changed her basic nature, just her approachand is monitoring her results here. I guess that's what I am trying to say...I am still me with all my intense feelings, but I am thinking more about making changes that will bring measurable successs, and that's what Michele's program offers.

IHJ

Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/08/05 02:32 PM
We didn't get a chance to watch the DVD last nite, but we did ML for the third nite in a row...very nice indeed. We both agree that sex 2x/week would suit us well on a consistent basis. I really like keeping it on a schedule...less anxiety, I can get myself in a sexy mind frame by taking a bath and reading an erotic chapter of a book, and I'm not so stirred up all week. This is all "doable" for H, and if he wants to initiate more then great...I will not reject him.

I feel like I am getting at a good balnce right now.

IHJ
Posted By: csw Re: Michele's DVD - 04/08/05 04:08 PM
I would say ML is way better than ANY DVD>>>
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/12/05 11:37 AM
Things are oh so good here. We're having something of a honeymoon period...have ML the past 7 nites. We're too tired to watch the DVD so we fool around instead...a strange way to get results from the program.

IHJ
Posted By: honeypot Re: Michele's DVD - 04/12/05 12:00 PM
Will you just FINISH it already? Cripes if I woulda known it would have those kind of effects, I would have been hassling you sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/12/05 02:48 PM
LOL HP... My H would rather have sex with me than watch the DVD... must be some sort of therapy technique that Michele keeps under wraps for stubborn H's.

IHJ
Posted By: csw Re: Michele's DVD - 04/12/05 02:54 PM
I think if she was aware of that aspect of its merits, she would advertise in neon lights! Lucky IHJ, Lucky, lucky IHJ!
Posted By: Julie33 Re: Michele's DVD - 04/12/05 03:08 PM
Your H is quite the rebel, IHJ! Now that you know what kinds of things get him going, you're golden, lol! Forget sexy lingerie, bring on a schedule. Forget sexy videos, bring on a relationship DVD. I'm choking with laughter here.

7 days in a row...thats making me nervous...I don't think I could do that. I am finding that I need a good 48 hours to recharge mentally. I can easily see myself being LD in a different relationship. In fact, I find myself feeling LD in this one more and more. Spooky!

Julie
Posted By: OG_Lou Re: Michele's DVD - 04/12/05 04:35 PM
Re: InherJourney: have ML the past 7 nites.

I think I just had a heart attack. No it was just one of those emotionns rushes.

You lucky dog, Way to go. And I bought the KLA tapes? darn! Lets see if DVD sales go up.

OG Lou
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/15/05 01:31 PM
We watched a little of the DVD last night. This part was about gender differences and how they affect the marriage. Michele prefaces her comments by saying these are generalities and may work the opposite way in some marriages. The basic points are: Women want to connect verbally and talk about feelings; men are more action oriented and avoid "feelings talk." Women work with both sides of the brain simultaneously, while men tend to focus on one thing at a time and find it hard to be interrupted. Women want to have a good EC going before having sex, while men want the physical connection first which leads to the EC, and how this dynamic alone has brought down many marriages.

The tape is slanted towards the HDH/ LDW POV as Michele discusses her H's strong priority for sex...in a few places she discusses her H's physicality and his red-blooded Amercian male behavior. Part of me was concerned that my H would feel inadequte hearing how typical men behave, and part of me wanted him to hear it ( be a typical man and ravish me).

Anyway, the point Michele makes is that the problem isn't the differences, it's the blaming and lack of problem solving that go along with the differences, and I think that's true no matter what the issues are.

Next, she was going to discuss solutions, but the first DVD ended so we stopped there. We did end up ML last nite which was nice.

IHJ
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/19/05 06:01 PM
keeping this thread updated...watched a half hr of the DVD last nite...my H actually was the one to suggest it, which helps me to see he is trying.

Michele has a list of tips for mean and women to help bridge the gender gap. I'll just list them here, but on the tape she goes through each one in detail.

Tips for Men
1. Spend time together
2. Talk to her
3. Remember the little things

Tips for Women
1. Don't judge him
2. Talk to women friends
3. Be brief and to the point
4. Focus on your sexual relationship

Again, the DVD is slanted towards HDM and LDW, with Michele emphasizing that men's need for sex is not just about phsyical release, that it's about feeling loved and connected, and for women to try to go along because of the many benefits and because they will likely enjoy it once they get started. She did mention at the end that it could work in reverse in some marriages.

In my sich, my H wants sex, but there are times when he has difficulty with arousal, and he puts pressure on himself, or feels pressure from me. We have calmed down from last weeks sex marathon and have decided to go back to the schedule.

IHJ
Posted By: bananas Re: Michele's DVD - 04/19/05 07:27 PM
Hi IHJ-

The DVD's sound interesting. All of the information seems to be right in line with everything else that I have read. Although I do have a question. Under the tips for women, what is the importance and the relevance of "talk to women friends?" In what context is it used?
-Bananas
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/20/05 04:35 PM
Hi Bananas...

"Talk with women friends" refers to a woman's need to connect in a verbal way that men may not understand. Michele points out that women often want to talk about feelings, have a tendency to move quickly from one topic to the next ( and back again) and are sometimes dissatisfied with men's topics which may seem boring or trivial. So instead of expecting our spouses to engage in a certain type of talk, she suggests getting this need filled with your women friends, preventing further disappointment in the marriage.

BTW... I saw on your thread you didn't feel a need for MC now that things are better... I think that doing what I am doing, watching a tape with H, is a nice way to get some marital pointers without feeling you need serious "treatment." My H and I were remarking that we should have done something like this yrs ago. I like the marriage encounter suggestion, and that UL seminar Lillieperl is signed up for with her b/f sounds interesting, too.

IHJ
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/22/05 02:19 PM
We watched a little more of the DVD( getting there, HP).

You all here on the BB are already experts on this part...how just one person can change the dynamics of the relationship by changing your own actions. Michele says, " Tip over the first domino" and make the first move towards change; don't whine about being the one to have to go first...if you start, you will get in return. Learn to push your partner's buttons in a positive way...be aware of his/her responses to what you do.

She then goes through a discussion of "cheeseless tunnels"...expecting to have good results because it may have worked before or because you think you are right. Avoid doing " more of the same" in which the thing you do to solve a problem becomes the problem. Do what works...if it's not working, then change.

She has the couples do an exercise, and then one couple discusses an issue and she has the group come up with new ideas to help solve the problem. H and I could have paused the tape and worked on our own stuff but we just passively watched,lol. We are getting along well but not feeling particularly passionate, so we will wait for Sat to ML ( the schedule takes over...such a good idea, ty Nop). We went to bed in cuddle mode.

IHJ
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 04/25/05 12:47 PM
No DVD update...kids are home from school this week and we are leaving on our trip on Wed ( coming home Sun). H and I have both been working on the marriage, catching each other when we mess up, and moving on. I still have a tendency to sabotage the progress because of old resentements and fear of being close. My goal right now is to have a loving marriage and nice family life...I have lowered my expectations for a real passionate marriage and keep working on "good." So I am passionate about having a good sex life.

My H is coming through and initiating on our planned nites, and then some. He asked me yesterday when I would like to do something again because he wants to save something for the trip...I liked this because he is thinking about my needs and how I would like our SL to play out.

I will get back to the tape after the break...hope I can put the knowledge to the test and not sabotage my vacation.

IHJ

Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 05/05/05 02:29 PM
watched a bit more of the DVD...here are some pointers:

1. Do more of what works---figure out what works and take action. For me, that's acting chipper and enthusiastic with and about H even when I don't exactly feel that way. For my H, it would mean being accountable to me even when he really doesn't think it's necessary.

2. Focus on strengths--- Michele talks about how we find the one thing wrong and tell our partners about it. I think I hold back on positive comments because I am waiting to hear something positive from him, or because I know he looks for praise so much, so I don't give it because then I feel like his mother, but if he really that needy for it, I should do it.

3. Pay attention to how you make up--- figure out the way your arguments come to an end ( she calls this identifying truce triggers) and how your spouse signals to you that it's time to make up. I know that when H and I argue, I really try to push him away, but if I see he is holding on and not heading for the door, I begin to back down. There will always be fights...the idea is to catch yourself sooner. Michele shares some anecdotes about her own marriage...how she and her H resolve the tension( not necesarily the argument) quicker.

IHJ

Posted By: honeypot Re: Michele's DVD - 05/05/05 06:09 PM
Journey,
How much of a hindrance is the HDH/LDW thing?

One of two things happens to me while hearing/reading self help stuff with that slant:

1. I feel like an Outcast Female but try to reverse the genders and 'hear' the message anyway.

2. I feel uncomfortable because I spend too much time wondering if H is feeling emasculated because this is not his 'experience'.

Is there much focus on the HDH/LDW element?

thanks!
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 05/05/05 07:50 PM
The DVD is really about communication skills, but the HDM/LDW part is there, so I wanted to give fair warning. There's a story about Michele and her H driving to a hotel and how he couldn't handle being distracted by her desire to make a detour...she then jokes how he might have wanted to race to the hotel for other reasons, as if to introduce the idea that it's okay to indulge your high drive man. Well, my H has not raced to a hotel with me for yrs ( maybe he doesn't want to see my jiggly breasts, lol). I did feel bad for H during these parts because I know he still struggles with his manliness ( our favorite word, huh). For instance, he will overstate the amount of sex we're having, and he recently made a comment about how I couldn't handle it if his sex drive were higher...hahahaha. It's not a big part of the tape...I am probably extra sensitive to it, and felt the need to point it out here on the SSM board.

I think a good idea is to preview the sections before watching with your H---that is, if I ever finish it,lol.

IHJ
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 05/11/05 05:28 PM
An update...

Still working hard at all of this. H and I will try to watch more of the DVD tonite or tomorrow nite.

I am paying closer attention to this dynamic where H provokes abandonment fears in me and then I get all angry and he acts like he did nothing wrong. Slowly we are working our way out of this...H is more aware of how he stirs me up, and I am ditching the anger and we are feeling closer.

Last nite was a bit tricky...H went out with a friend, but it was also a ML schedule nite, so I asked him if he wanted to let it go, and he said no. He came home later than expected, but made sure to call me and let me know. So something is getting through.

Since it was late, I asked again if he wanted to rescehdule, but he said "absolutely not" and got started on things. I felt tense and it took me a long time to loosen up...H was also struggling just a bit...there were a bunch of starts and stops til we got into a good groove and both " got there." I am writing all this down to show that although I would like the fantasy of the two of us really connecting and being blown away by each other, the reality is that because of our history and such, it does take work and patience on both our parts. We have so much baggage...my insecurities that he isn't turned on by me, his resentment over my rejection of him in the past, performance issues, pressure, overcoming shyness/awkwardness etc...it's all there.

One nice thing was that since it took me a long while to heat up, I thought he would make some comment about the time...instead, he said he had a lot of fun. This morning he was very affectionate and mentioned he wants to give me a message tonite( non-sexual) with one of the bath products he got me for Mother's Day. Also, I asked him his thoughts about the schedule, if it added too much pressure, and he said no, that he thought it's a good idea.

So we're trying to get through all the muck...patience, patience, patience.

IHJ
Posted By: doglover Re: Michele's DVD - 05/11/05 11:47 PM
IHJ,
which DVD is it: "The Marriage Breakthrough® Interactive Seminar on DVD" (6 hours on 2 DVDs) or "Getting Unstuck" (is this sort of a condensed version of the 6 hour one?) The Divorce Busting online store mentions both.
Thanks,
Doglover
Posted By: LostGal Re: Michele's DVD - 05/12/05 03:28 AM
Also saw you are participating in the KLA 2005....any news on how that works.

I feel a bit like I built this wall that I hit 3 years ago. It seems to stand between me and H and now most happines.
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 05/12/05 12:30 PM
Hi DL and LG,

As you see, I am pretty entrenched in the program here. For a very long time, I have ignored and put on a shelf the problems in my marriage, distracting myself and just living in a general state of dissatisfaction. Maybe I was thinking that one day I would just escape all this and just move on with my life.

I'm at a different place now. There are times I get discouraged, frustrated and want to escape, but I am feeling a sense of pride that I am working through my problems and becoming a better person. I'm facing up to the damage and rehabilitating the marriage. Using an analogy ( where are you, JJ?), it's like being in an accident and having to relearn how to walk...you may never have the natural grace you once had, but once you get past the anger you start to appreciate each new step.

I am becoming a calmer and happier person. I was at my son's school yesterday and a mother there commented that I must be on drugs...I felt impervious to the sea of complaints around me. My perspective is changing...I am finding that this program is helping me " do the right thing" in several aspects of my life, rather than just go by my feelings.

Doglover, in answer to your question, I am doing the Marriage Breakthrough with H ( to clue him in on what I'm about these days)and Lostgal, I am going to do the 2005 KLA group here on the BB for myself.

H and I watched a little more of the DVD last nite...it really is a nice " together" thing to do...one point Michele made was that marriage is like a seesaw, the more you do in one area the less your spouse will do there. At times I will need to take a break in leading the way with the relationship improvement stuff...pull back and see where he is at. Right now I need to do this not just for the marriage, but for me. I have been a pro at distracting myself from myself.

IHJ
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 05/16/05 12:28 PM
Didn't watch the DVD this weekend, but we did connect sexually and had some interesting convos. H told me that he feels more frisky when he feels I am being friendly and non-critical...that he needs to feel that kind of feeling from me in order to feel sexual. I know I am working on being less angry and more chipper, but I have to balance this with being true to myself and not some Barbie Doll for him. I pointed out to H that he provokes me in a way to bring out the negativity, and to his credit he said he realized this and that it was all part of the puzzle.

In another convo, I mentioned my concern that our sex life would revert back to nothingness if I start having issues with my sex drive again, and he replied that he felt the thing he needed to do was concentrate on his sex drive and that would help us along. I like this answer becasue it showed a level of differentiation and H not just relying on my moods.

One area that bothers me is that I can't capitalize on my own randiness when it hits me...I mean, I can be aggressive and have him 'take care of me" but this won't lead to him feeling up for IC, and this makes me feel unattractive/rejected, although I know somewhere that it's his issue. I have to get back into that space of feeling my own sexual confidence and having patience for where he's at. The schedule really helps me because it's a way of my having some control in the initiations.

I have been more responsible to myself during the scheduled encounters, making sure I feel satisfied, instead of playing the martyr ( which I did yrs ago). Again, to my H's credit, he is coming forward to ask me how I am feeling and showing more interest/concern, which is nice.

IHJ
Posted By: OG_Lou Re: Michele's DVD - 05/16/05 03:10 PM
RE: InherJourney
Quote:

one point Michele made was that marriage is like a seesaw, the more you do in one area the less your spouse will do there.



You have that right IHJ. It happens to me. The more I cook or do R work, the more BB just seems happy to coast along. I quit cooking almost all the meals and BB picked up the slack and seems to be happier she is making things her way.

Quote:

I have been more responsible to myself during the scheduled encounters, making sure I feel satisfied, instead of playing the martyr ( which I did yrs ago). Again, to my H's credit, he is coming forward to ask me how I am feeling and showing more interest/concern, which is nice.



InherJourney, That statement sounded like some of the progress we all want or wanted at one time. Congratulations to "both" of you for the win, win position you have reached to date.

OG Lou
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 05/16/05 06:06 PM
Lou, thank you for the comments. I have been trying to remove or get around the obstacles, and while we don't have that free, natural, spontaneous love life I remember from my youth, we are starting to have a consistent and satisfying sex life, which is of course just one aspect of a good marriage, but an important one.

Will try to watch some of the DVD tonite...

IHJ
Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 12:27 PM
H and I finished watching the DVD last nite. The last part talks about how to have a constructive conversation. She asks the audience to chime in on ways to have a bad convo ( things like having a bad attitude, eye rolling, criticizing, same-calling, etc. were mentioned) and then she goes over tips for better communication. A few things that stuck out for me were: be specific and stick to the point, leave the past in the past, ignore "zingers", remember that he/she has heard you, and take a time out if things escalate.

She lists her 4 golden rules of love:
1. Do real giving
2. People need hugs the most when they deserve them the least
3. Don't forget to laugh
4. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself

She ends the seminar by repeating the message of having an open heart, and then has the group do a relaxation exercise, closing their eyes and visualizing the early, happy days of their relationship. When the DVD ended my H and I were very quiet with each other...I felt touched by it and drained at the same time...we made a few comments and went to sleep. This am he made tea for us and lit a candle and had some superficial talk. I think we're trying to absorb how to be nicer and better to each other...hopefully we'll figure out a way to make it last and it will become easier.

So HP...the DVD is all yours...let me know how to get in touch with you to send it off.

IHJ
Posted By: honeypot Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 12:39 PM
Oh Journey, you are such a wonderful person. Reading your message this am made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm so happy that your story is turning out the way it is.

I am anxious to watch them and see what H thinks of it. Everything you've written sounds like it will appeal to him in a common sense kind of way. You can reach me at roostergalc@yahoo.com.

Thanks again, sis!
Honey
Posted By: Greeneyedlass Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 12:49 PM
Honeypot...

Would you mind if I sent you something via your e-mail that you just provided? Since we both have kids I have a picture I'm proud of that I think you'd appreciate

GEL
Posted By: honeypot Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 01:31 PM
Oh sis, you don't even have to ask! I'll go check now...

Posted By: InherJourney Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 01:41 PM
Hiya HP... I still don't have a ton of confidence about my marital story...I guess it's written a day at a time...thanks for your support and sharing the journey with me.

Oh and GEL, I'd love to see that cute pic too ( HP can forward it)...we're hitting the pre-teen mood changes here...I miss those baby days!

IHJ
Posted By: Greeneyedlass Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 01:46 PM
Ok...It's on it's way...I always find it better to ask. I feel like I have made friends on here with several people and sometimes it's just nice to share!

GEL
Posted By: Bube Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 01:55 PM
Quote:

I feel like I have made friends on here


Why do you think I bad-mouthed HP when she made a reference to her "pretend friends" on this BB? I consider you to be real friends. Just because we've never met IRL, doesn't make our friendship any less real.

Wildebube
Posted By: GonnaGoBlind Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 01:55 PM
Journey, I'm not missing the baby days right now! Wanna trade for a few days? Oh, wait. I've got two moody teenagers too. What were we thinking anyway?

--GGB realizing he's going to be close to 65 by the time the little one is off to college. Guess I better not wait for the kids to be gone to have some fun w/ mrsGGB.
Posted By: Greeneyedlass Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 02:20 PM
Wildebube,

Ummmm nope, wasn't even thinking that at all....just making a personal comment that I do feel I've made friends on here. Actually hadn't even noticed that comment LOL.

GEL
Posted By: Greeneyedlass Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 02:22 PM
GGB,

You won't be alone...my H will also be about the same age by the time our S goes to college; and we're still considering having another one

GEL
Posted By: Greeneyedlass Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 02:23 PM
Oh but of course you can see the pics I sent her. I also included a family photo....the cat'll be outta the bag on what I really look like now LOL.

That's ok...you can laugh, and you can point...just not at the same time cuz that's just downright rude! LOL

GEL
Posted By: Bube Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 02:53 PM
GEL,

NO, no, no... I didn't misunderstand you - you misunderstood ME. I meant to convey that I completely agree with you. We all have made friends here - real friends.

At one time, HP called us her "pretend friends". I replied to her with a snide "pretend friends, huh?". Then you just said that you felt that you had made friends here. I just meant to jump on the bandwagon. Maybe I should have been more expansive and said something like:

I agree completely, GEL. We have all made friends here. That's why I bad-mouthed HP when she called us "pretend friends". I consider all of you to be friends and hope that you feel the same about me.

Is that better?

Wildebube
Posted By: Greeneyedlass Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 02:57 PM
WB...Gotchya! :-) You're right...I misunderstood you.

GEL
Posted By: honeypot Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 03:05 PM
I agree. I consider you my real friends, though you do not exist in the flesh in my life.

However, that might be a good thing. If I had a group of loose-moraled horndogs for friends IRL, I fear I would be drug down into a life of debauchery.

Ok, most of you do not have loose morals, that one really only applies to my state-mate, Horndog.


P.S. I know that many of you are my real friends because I pray for you and I don't usually pray for imaginery people.
Posted By: sat567 Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 03:25 PM
Okay...group hug.

HAIRdog

Hey, GEL, if you wanna share pics, send 'em to slinky22 at gmail dot com. I've often wondered what you look like.
Posted By: Bube Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 03:47 PM
OK, HP. I've been nice, but as the semi-official grammarian of the group, it is incumbent upon me to point out the proper conjugation of the verb “drag”.

present – drag
past – dragged
future – will drag
present perfect – have dragged
past perfect – had dragged
future perfect – will have dragged

So you may be dragged down, but you can’t be drug down.

But in spite of your grammatical blunders, I'm proud that you consider me a friend.


Wildebube
Posted By: Dmsw4 Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 04:57 PM
HP, can I use your email address too? I'd love to send pics of my kiddies. Mel

By the way, I could use a hug, loose morals or not.
Posted By: GonnaGoBlind Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 05:57 PM
Yeah GEL, me too! ssm_gonnagoblind at yahoo dot com
Posted By: honeypot Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 05:58 PM
You betcha! Send them on thru...I was telling Lassie that I am terrible about having current pics of my little ones. I wish I had something to send. I will take some and shoot them through to you gals soon.

here is your hug: ((((((((mel))))))), even though your morals are questionable, as well. Open playground indeed.


Posted By: Greeneyedlass Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 06:14 PM
I say we forget the e-mails and just get together for a beer! Happy-Hour anyone!?

GEL
Posted By: sat567 Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 06:18 PM
Dang...beer sounds good on a warm, sunny Friday afternoon. Especially when I actually did some work today and think I deserve one.

Hairdog
Posted By: Dmsw4 Re: Michele's DVD - 05/20/05 06:23 PM
Well, where's a nice central meeting place? I'm game.

We could all just meet on yahoo messenger and start some kind of drunken orgy I suppose...See, those loose morals once again. BYOB
Posted By: karen1 Re: Michele's DVD - 05/21/05 12:47 AM
MMMMMM, loose morals. Just being on the BB today may be all I need to get the "juices flowing" again. Things have been so sad. I have been so stressed that I have only lurked but I have missed all of you. I'm game for a beer or two.

Karen
Posted By: Dmsw4 Re: Michele's DVD - 05/21/05 01:44 AM
I think I'll have a Coors light, nothing else in the house. I could open a bottle of wine, but I might finish the whole bottle
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