My husband and I recently entered therapy with a solutions oriented psychologist who recommended your book. We have both started it. I went immediately to chapter 10 on adultery since my husband had been having an intimate friendship (which included hugging, kissing, email, phoning and several long bike rides but had not progressed to intercourse) with a much younger, married woman with 2 kids for 3 months. I broke it up. We agreed to try to repair things, try a counselor for the first time, etc.
Here's my dilemma in your book and in my counselor's assumptions. My husband should be sorry but he is not. He says that the OW met an emotional need and he assumed our marriage was headed towards divorce. He also wanted to see if he was attractive to other women. He says he feels no remorse and will not apologize.
This makes it really tough for me to move on with the program. I am not super human after all!
We do not fight or have the normal difficulties couples have. We are very active and grew in different directions. My husband was totally involved in running and long distance biking.
In the last year I got tired of reaching out to him and did throw in the towel. Over the years I have built friendships outside the marriage as advised by my psychologist to avoid loneliness. I also became very involved with horses --- buying one, working at a farm, hanging out with horse-women.
Please say "the words" to get me past this hump with his not being able to apologize. We are doing great on spending time with each other. I was working on my goals last night. This is the first time I have ever seen him motivated to work on our relationship. That is exciting for me. But I am really stuck on this one thing.
Thanks so much,
Kathy
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Kathy,
I totally understand your need for an apology. Anyone in your shoes would feel that way. However, if you want to save your marriage, listen to what I have to say. Here are "the words."
He needs to feel that you completely understand why he sought friendship outside your marriage. He needs to hear you say you understood HIS lonliness. I know you were lonely, but he probably felt exactly the same way. He probably interpreted your making a life for yourself as your exiting the marriage. If your therapist didn't help you articulate this well enough, he needs to justify his actions. He will continue to do so until he feels you get it. So get it. Let him know you understand. It doesn't change the fact that you were hurt deeply, it just says that you see his point of view. That's very important.
Secondly, what people have to do to save their marriages isn't always "fair". It's not fair or right that he doesn't acknowledge your hurt. IT's not fair or right that he isn't actively pursuing your forgiveness. However, sometimes you have to be patient. The time might not be right for him. He may feel guilty and in order to make himself feel okay, he withholds "I'm sorry." Forget the words right now. FOcus on the fact that he's working on your marriage. If the bond gets stronger, it's entirely possible that he will apologize in the not too distant future. Be patient. Be wise. Your marriage depends on it, even if your therapist doesn't agree. Trust me on this one.
Michele