Boundary after big D part four

[Mach40]

Hey, here previous thread.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2938434&page=1

[Mach40]

I went to Chena Hot Springs today. Absolutely beautiful drive through area of Alaska that follows the Chena river. ( Funny, that name is of a person who was my first love out of HS).
Anyways, got to the springs, 14 degrees. Brave people were in the springs. Not this guy. Nope.
Wish I could post pictures.
One thing I have been doing to get through a trigger moment is breathe, hold and release several times.
Todays trigger started when someone spoke of his wife and him going to a Adult Halloween party.
Then I remembered party my wife went to dressed up in Steam Punk.. Burnt me, hard trigger..
And knowing Halloween is a few days away didnt help.
Anyway, I am going to do trick or treating with grand baby, then try to go out and just have some social fun..
Co Worker said next get together he has with all his friends and family ( Big Brazilian family), he will invite me over.
Rough day.
I need to start journaling via laptop. Any suggesting on a outline to follow?

[BL42]

Mach40,

Google "Jocko Willink Breakup" and watch a bunch of those videos, especially "Breakups and Betrayal" and "The Warrior Mentality".

[Mach40]

Mach40,

Google "Jocko Willink Breakup" and watch a bunch of those videos, especially "Breakups and Betrayal" and "The Warrior Mentality".

I have Jocko on my Instagram.. I will look this up. Thnx.
I know I have two issues, personality wise. I dont let things go, whether its property or in this case my ex ( fantasy of her person, not the reality, as that is a work in progress).
I have ADD, not diagnoses. I have no direction on day to day things I need to focus on.
I can come here, and within minutes, reading someones quote, and I take an exit. So much knowledge on this site its sometimes overwhelming to take it in..

[LH19]

Mach,

I went back and looked at your thread from 3 years ago and you’re still stuck in the same spot. Get your ADHD diagnosed and treatments. You are never going to stop feeling the pain unless you move forward.

[Mach40]

LH, I have never been diagnosed. I just am constantly doing to many things in my head from work to life. But when dealing with moving forward, i get sidetracked easily..
I will get through this, with everyone's guidance here and working on daily and long term goals.

[Mach1]

I still feel like you are simply waiting for direction from someone else.

I.E. "There is no reason to GAL until I meet a new gal, and then I can blend in to whatever interests that she has."


Have you always been in Alaska ?

[Mach40]

I am in Alaska for work. I travel quite a bit for work.
I am going to start with a Church group when I get back.
I have a list of things I will start doing from gym, guitar, and socialize more.
Traveling is great, but it busts routines up, which is good and bad. Good it jeeps your mind busy, bad you arent home getting a routine.
Ideas, guidance and experience as to what others have done is why I am here. Its a gold mine of help.

[Mach40]

I still feel like you are simply waiting for direction from someone else.

I.E. "There is no reason to GAL until I meet a new gal, and then I can blend in to whatever interests that she has."


Have you always been in Alaska ?

I live in S Carolina, and travel quite bit each year.
I respect your opinion.
I know it may not seem like much, but in the past few years I have grown in few ways.
I cant really explain it. But after my grad daughter was born almost 6 years ago, it was an awakening.
With her becoming a big part of my life, my oldest daughter ( her Mom), became so close. We were for the majority of my marriage at wits end. Nobody ever thought she would have forgave me for our relationship being terrible.
But she has, as she has stated. Of course, she was a child for most of it, teenager , but was in mid 20s when baby was born. That baby brought us together, and as ex and youngest have stated, they have seen me change so much.
I am more positive, happier, better listener. Many positive comments for almost 6 years.
I think it shows I am moving in a positive way to better myself.
May not be specific. Like losing weight, hobbies, sports etc.
My grand daughter and daughters have become a huge focus on my life.
Sure, I was naive enough to think we were going to get back together. I am fully awake now, and will go forward in more than just my family.
Its a start seeing the issue at hand and admitting it.
I still need positive and straight shooters to steer me . And I appreciate that..

[BL42]

Mach40,

I am going to start with a Church group when I get back.
I have a list of things I will start doing from gym, guitar, and socialize more.

Church group, gym, guitar, more socializing...all good stuff.

I live in S Carolina, and travel quite bit each year.

Maybe it's my ignorance of Alaska, but my guess is you'll do better on dating apps in SC.

With her becoming a big part of my life, my oldest daughter ( her Mom), became so close. We were for the majority of my marriage at wits end. Nobody ever thought she would have forgave me for our relationship being terrible.

What was the driver of your relationship being so bad with your step-daughter? Was it the typical "you're not my 'real' dad" you hear about in these situations, or was there a deeper thing going on with your actions? I don't know, but it strikes me as something you should dive deeper into and examine...maybe it'll reveal an area in you which needs improvement.

I am more positive, happier, better listener. Many positive comments for almost 6 years.

Good stuff. People want to be around others who are happy and fun.

Sure, I was naive enough to think we were going to get back together. I am fully awake now, and will go forward in more than just my family.

That's OK. The reason we're all here is we wanted to save our marriages and keep our family together. Nothing wrong with being a little hopeful. But also important to see reality as it is and move forward with your life at this point.

When do you head back to SC?

[Mach40]

Mach40,

I am going to start with a Church group when I get back.
I have a list of things I will start doing from gym, guitar, and socialize more.

Church group, gym, guitar, more socializing...all good stuff.

I live in S Carolina, and travel quite bit each year.

Maybe it's my ignorance of Alaska, but my guess is you'll do better on dating apps in SC.

With her becoming a big part of my life, my oldest daughter ( her Mom), became so close. We were for the majority of my marriage at wits end. Nobody ever thought she would have forgave me for our relationship being terrible.

What was the driver of your relationship being so bad with your step-daughter? Was it the typical "you're not my 'real' dad" you hear about in these situations, or was there a deeper thing going on with your actions? I don't know, but it strikes me as something you should dive deeper into and examine...maybe it'll reveal an area in you which needs improvement.

I am more positive, happier, better listener. Many positive comments for almost 6 years.

Good stuff. People want to be around others who are happy and fun.

Sure, I was naive enough to think we were going to get back together. I am fully awake now, and will go forward in more than just my family.

That's OK. The reason we're all here is we wanted to save our marriages and keep our family together. Nothing wrong with being a little hopeful. But also important to see reality as it is and move forward with your life at this point.

When do you head back to SC?

I am back in SC as of yesterday. First order of family was pick Grand Daughter at kindergarten. She had no idea I was going to be there. Biggest hug ever, it was great.. She was in her Sonic Halloween costume as they had a trunk or treat yesterday.
My oldest was the typical, you aren't my Dad situation. She was taken from SC to HI, right before HS. So, she had to start HS in HI, not knowing anyone, hating step dad. She rebelled at everything. Going out, dinner, refusing to do well in school. Anything we did, she was the tipping point. And, I didn't do well with it. Tried to control her. I tried from the beginning to win her over, but that proved worse. Nothing I did was good enough. After graduating HS, we sent her back to SC to live with Grandparents, to start college etc. She was very angry and even had a rough time with grandparents. The friction was very hard on the marriage. Neither of us knew what to do, and it took a toll on us as a couple. I was the angry, controlling type with her as nothing seemed to work.
She just didnt want to be a part of the family.. Sneaking out, partying, poor grades... Teens.
Now, She and I have bonded, almost all of it was the birth of her child. It was a miracle. Everything from that day forward, she and I have embraced.. Surreal.
Now that I am back, I am taking care of me.
House projects, Halloween party Monday night. Church on Sunday, Hopefully that will open up things to do.. They have a auto shop thing they do for Church members that cant afford work to be done. That is right up my ally.

[Mach40]

Nothing to really add. I have been sick with a fever and sore throat, coughing heavy since Saturday..
Uggh.
Any guidance, on forgetting/forgiving , or even a book..

[LH19]

Who you trying to forgive?

[Mach40]

Who you trying to forgive?

My ex. What she did holding onto our marriage for so many years, and not just divorcing me is bugging me.
Waste of so many years. For a person with the best PR skills MBA, she could have just chopped this in the butt years ago.. We, the forum members,, have discussed moving on, detaching, but I need to forgive her for Not trying to fix this marriage.. She is the one that could have initiated and coordinated it, and she knows it.. Maybe I am just venting.. Who knows..

[AndrewP]

Waste of so many years. For a person with the best PR skills MBA, she could have just chopped this in the butt years ago.. We, the forum members,, have discussed moving on, detaching, but I need to forgive her for Not trying to fix this marriage.. She is the one that could have initiated and coordinated it, and she knows it.. Maybe I am just venting.. Who knows..

The only person you have any control over is yourself. You may be searching for a forgiveness that you'll never be able to find. I know that I've never forgiven my xW for what she did.

What I have done and what might work for you is acceptance. Poopy things happen. You can't change that even when it ends up splashing on you. You can though wash it off and walk away. This stink isn't your's to own.

[LH19]

Mach,

By your account your marriage was done along time ago. You could of took the lead on fixing it. I think the real problem if you are honest with yourself is that your marriage was you entire life. You have nothing else going on in your life. You had been separated for 3 years and you made zero progress in friends, fitness, hobbies etc. Now she found someone else and your angry which I get but you have to carry some of the burden here.

[Mach40]

By your account she checked out many years ago.. She holds a serious grudge, thats for sure.
The only positive, and this is big, is the girls and grands are very much a part of my life.
She may have been doing her career to get out on her own, and now finally started dating, but she ensured the girls had a Dad and the grand baby had a grand pa.. All is not lost..
But, She was my life, and such.
Yep, no real friends, no fitness, no real hobbies other than my car.. Not much of a hobby..

[LH19]

What grudge is she holding?

Don’t forget she got a nice financial settlement too.

[Mach40]

Her monthly settlement isnt that much.. It will help.
The grudge she is holding.
In her own words " I wish we could go back in time, before all the damage (to us, the girls, family, etc). I sure wish that was possible. " This was a few days ago, after running to ground business with Lawyers and such..
Damage to the oldest was the control, constant digging on her to shape up. Wife just tried to keep life calm. The youngest there wasnt much.. Really
When I came back oldest and I still werent getting along, untill she became pregnant, then stuff just clicked. I think they all saw the Dad I could be with the Grand Baby. Again, too late.
And wife, the drama with the oldest led to a sexless marriage ( many control factors by wife), she thought I had low T. I eventually looked elsewhere. I never did anything, never touched or talked to another women. Thats the truth. Doesnt make it right at.
Now, all this towards wife was after knowing what her previous husband had done to her. Drugs, sleeping around, neighbor pregnant, left the girls twice.
Communications was severely lacking.. I had no one to reach out to, as I didnt know wth was going on.. I thought once the oldest came back, life would get better. It did, but it was too late.
The Ashley Madison thing was found a long time after they moved back, when she was doing the bills. I was on it a month, but never did anything on it..
When I returned to SC, we went to counseling, and she was not receptive to it at all.
Our sex life became significantly better till about 2017/18 when she left mentally..
So, thats it in a nutshell.
She also said this in the email..
"Hey you have a lot of amazing qualities. "Comments on how I look, very positive, but I removed them as its personal" Personally, you have grown so much. The way you love "grand daughter" is so very endearing. You are dedicated and determined. You are a planner. You have the ability to recognize when you need to evoke change and take the necessary steps for success. You are an amazing person. Don’t ever forget that."
"What I wrote was an accurate representation of how I feel. This whole thing has been so difficult. I have buried my heart so deep, protecting myself for so long that I have walked through the past decade numb. It's been a rough road. I'm very tired. I really am tired. And I apologize for hurting you. But just know this sword has two blades that impaled us both. I recognize your hurt and I apologize for my part in that. I truly do."

[LH19]

So why don’t you think it’s possible to go back? I’ve always been taught everything is possible.

When I went back and read your opening thread I stopped when I read she said “she’s not attracted to you”. Didn’t need to read anymore.

[Mach40]

So why don’t you think it’s possible to go back? I’ve always been taught everything is possible.

When I went back and read your opening thread I stopped when I read she said “she’s not attracted to you”. Didn’t need to read anymore.

I dont think its possible because of who she is.. When she makes a decision, she is 100% on it.
There is no magic phrase, only action.. She sees it, and has stated it. I think deep down she is scared to vulnerable again.
I know my mistakes, and they are imbedded in my brain like an Elephant. Cant see me ever doing stupid stuff like that. Our Communication skills are 1000 times better, but her heart is still hurt.
She made comment years ago I was gaining weight, while in the service., and made comment I need to take better care of myself.. I did lose weight there. I was on Shore Duty, very lax, but when I went to another Command PT was intense, SDVT-1 for 3 years. Crossfit every other day..
She, as well as many others said I looked like Bruce Willis. I laugh, because someone in Italy made comment, a co worker and someone at the commissary called me Mr Willis.. Its funny, but, it was something we always thought was nice to let me know.. As She said, I rock the Bruce.. So, if women like Bruce, thats a good thing.

[LH19]

So when she decided to marry you I’m guessing she was 100% on it.

So she wanted you to take care of yourself for her but had no desire to do it for you.

[Mach40]

So when she decided to marry you I’m guessing she was 100% on it.

So she wanted you to take care of yourself for her but had no desire to do it for you.

Yes, she was 100% in. I tell you, the step daughter was fire the whole time.. I have never dealt with a kid so angry towards me.
Kind of. I was deploying allot, and its military food, hard to be low on calories.. My own fault.
I guess, maybe, she didnt want to upset me?

[LH19]

Upset you about what?

[Mach40]

Upset you about what?

I am not saying its absolute, but maybe saying I looked bad is not something you tell your spouse. I never said that to her.. I always made her feel sexy, special etc. May not have always been true each day, especially when stress in the household happened.
Telling spouse they arent attractive cant be good. Delicate situation, need to be tactful.

[LH19]

So sounds like neither of you were attracted to one another and the house was stressful. Daughter is on her own. Maybe separate ways is best?

[Mach40]

So sounds like neither of you were attracted to one another and the house was stressful. Daughter is on her own. Maybe separate ways is best?

Daughter lives with her Mom.. She and I get along just fine now.

[Mach40]

I can see her not finding me attractive, if she isnt into Bruce Willis.. I am making light of it.

[Mach40]

As far as being attractive, she is a pretty lady. I liked her person, her business acumen, drive, intelligence too. That is pretty attractive. As far as her in Hawaii, she was very stressed on family dynamics. That led her to not get hair done ( she needs it straightened ), no make up like she used to. The financials were hard too, and so there were many stress factors on our marriage, on top of the daughters issues.

[LH19]

Well the good news is there are many women who would be attractive to the Bruce Willis type. Yippee kiyeah mother fucher lol.

[Mach40]

When I am ready, we shall see..

[LH19]

As far as being attractive, she is a pretty lady. I liked her person, her business acumen, drive, intelligence too. That is pretty attractive. As far as her in Hawaii, she was very stressed on family dynamics. That led her to not get hair done ( she needs it straightened ), no make up like she used to. The financials were hard too, and so there were many stress factors on our marriage, on top of the daughters issues.

Welcome to the world of marriage.

[Mach40]

Yep, I wish we had counseling that brought things to light, as it would have made mending easiers.

[DonH]

I tell you, the step daughter was fire the whole time.. I have never dealt with a kid so angry towards me.

It is said that second marriages with children from the first have a 70% D rate. Many have this blended family fantasy but 99 times out of 100 the kids are going to come first regardless of what the truth of it all is. If both you and D are in life threatening situations and W can save only one of you, it’s not going to be you. Marriage comes and goes, which we all see here, but children are for life.

I’m not saying it’s D’s fault or the only reason, just saying that the happily blended family is often very much a fantasy. Ginger is not doing this on purpose but in the end waiting until D is 18 before doing a LTR may be the very best thing she could do to have that R succeed.

[Mach40]

70%, damn. And being military they are high too..

[Ginger1]

Oh, ginger is not blending any families. I will not be living with a guy until she is off to college and we all know I’ll likely not even have boyfriend to blend with, lol.

It’s be me and my daughter living with no other man for 15 years. We are going to finish out her childhood that way.

Although she gives permission for all of us to move into my NHL player’s crushes home and she has no issues with calling him daddy 😂
Sadly, his GF is the hottest woman I think I have ever seen, so this is very unlikely to happen

[LH19]

But G I thought it was all about what’s in the inside of a person lol.

BTW your daughter calling someone daddy at her age is creepy.

[Ginger1]

But G I thought it was all about what’s in the inside of a person lol.

BTW your daughter calling someone daddy at her age is creepy.

Ill call him daddy. She can dad. Better ?

[LH19]

If my kids called anyone else dad I punch somebody in the face.

[Mach40]

Interesting stuff here. Lol

[Ginger1]

If my kids called anyone else dad I punch somebody in the face.

It’s a joke. Haha funny. Hes famous. She will not be calling anyone but her own father “dad”

Calm it down LH

[LH19]

I’m calm. That was actually a fear of mine before D. Irrational fears definitely get the best of you during that time.

[Mach40]

I remember the first time my youngest ( step Daughter), she was 4.5 years old, asked if she could call me daddy. Her sister said nope, he is not your Dad.
Wife was kind of stunned. I guess it was a sign.

[LH19]

Sign of what?

[Mach40]

Sign of what?

My oldest step daughter was immediately not happy when my youngest asked.. She was mad that she asked..

[LH19]

Mach google Hypergamy.

[Mach40]

LH, when I married my wife she wasnt making as much as me. Now, with retirment and my job, I net more than she does.
But, if you are implying she is dating someone with a higher social status than me, I can ser that..
He is probably a broker in real estate or a lawyer.
I dont care anymore, to be honest. I am working to detach mentally from her, and I wont be friends.
I deserve better. I see that.

[LH19]

You got it man. Just trying to help with the whys.

[Mach40]

You got it man. Just trying to help with the whys.

Thnx. She had no idea what I made.
As far as her, I never saw her as a.gold digger, till her EA with Harvard guy. Turns out he was married too. Sounds very non commital. She said it was an out, a relationship that pulled her out of her self esteem slump. Regardless, It was an EA.

[LH19]

This stuff is actually very predictable when you really look at it through a lens.

[Mach40]

I could not marry someone that is richer than me, with a higher status in society.
I am pretty independent financially.
Over the past few years, my girls have been my focus. The joy I get spending time with them is worth more than a job that pays super good, but you have no life.
Thats what my ex is feeling, as a Realtor, times are tough. Kids say they rarely see her. One even lives with her.
If her new beau is rich, and she goes down that path of financial security, so be it.

[Spiral]

If her new beau is rich, and she goes down that path of financial security, so be it.

If he's rich, then he's probably 10 to 15 years older than she is. But rich guys are hard to lock down in the long run.

Spiral

[Mach40]

If her new beau is rich, and she goes down that path of financial security, so be it.

If he's rich, then he's probably 10 to 15 years older than she is. But rich guys are hard to lock down in the long run.

Spiral

Well, that would put him mid to late 60s.
In her inner circld, he may be, just speculating, a high achiever in her arena of brokers, realtors, lawyers. He may be the guy where she opens a new real estate company with. Perfect for her. Again, Just speculating.

I care, but dont. No shame in what I achieved in my lufe financially. I do okay, dont have to work 40 hrs a week. And, i have allot of time to spend with the kids. You cant beat that.

[Mach40]

Today was a pretty good day. Have been reading the long detachment thread from years ago.
I read it, write it and review it. I am learning allot. I am way behind the power curve on many things needed to go forward in life, but I am feeling good.
Been sick since Sat. Fever is gone today.
Then, as I was reading "The Pocket Guide to self Reliance",
I had a vision of her sitting across from me in the living room. My stomach turned. I think her actually telling me she dating someone is the main cause of the burning feeling. So, I did a few deep breathing cycles, and it helped.
Seems the sex part is the real hurt for men. Women its the connection emotional side which hurts them when Husband has a relationship. And I digress.
I have some great write ups to go over from the detachment thread. I felt good reading it as it brought clarity, especially with so many people on there explaining things on how they did it.

[Mach40]

Just got back from Texas with youngest Daughter, 22. We went Horse Back riding from the countryside, into to a bar in town. Had a couple beers, road back. Epic time.
My horse was a Belgium, huge horse. She was easy to steer and control, especially in the creek we went through..
Also went to Luckenbach TX where outlaw country has its roots. Look it up.. Neat place.
My mind was off the ex and such for the majority of the time.. Very nice..

[Dawn70]

Now I have that song “Luckenbach Texas (Back to the Basics of Love)” in my head. Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson….outlaw country at its finest. Also look up The Highway Men if you’ve not heard their songs.

[BL42]

Mach40,

Just got back from Texas with youngest Daughter, 22. We went Horse Back riding from the countryside, into to a bar in town. Had a couple beers, road back. Epic time.

Awesome! Making memories. Well done.

My mind was off the ex and such for the majority of the time.. Very nice..

That's why GAL is so critical. The busier and the more fun we're having with family, friends, or even a project by ourselves the less time we're thinking of our Ex & our sitch and the better we feel.

[Mach40]

My daughter is definitely the catalyst in most adventures I do. Lot of it is due to work, and being on travel allot. But, she likes to get me out when she can to just have fun.. Great daughter..
Luckenback was big with her, as she loves the old country, even though she is 22.

[Mach40]

Not much to add. Finally getting over my bronchitis.. If anyone ever needs good tea for upper respiratory issues, use a Mullein tea.. I used the leaf right off the plant in Texas to make tea. Very good. You can buy it too and fancy organic stores..
My Mother started asking questions about the divorce, just out of the blue. Not sure why, but trigger city for me..

[Mach40]

Today was an interesting day.. I was asking my oldest for Christmas ideas for the grand kids, and the question came up, should I get her Momma something, card etc for Christmas..
I told her we didnt do a birthday for each other, so maybe its a moot point. Well, oldest said her Momma did get me a gift card, but since she was sick for my B Day dinner, my oldest put the gift card in her card from her and my grand baby. Didnt tell me till today. Made me feel bad for that. Wasnt my fault, it was my daughters for not informing me..
Thoughts on what I should do, reach out and give her a thank you for the gift card. Better late than never. And, since she did get me something for my B Day, should I retro something to her?
I am sure most will say, just let it go. I get it, but after 32 years, some things always mean something regardless of how we feel about each other.

[LH19]

Sounds like your NGS is flaring up.

Sure shoot her a text and sure get her a gift as long as you don’t have any ulterior motives.

[Mach40]

NGS flaring up? I am at a loss on the acronym.

[LH19]

Lol. I forget sometimes you are not a true DB student. Nice Guy Syndrome. You should have read the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by now.

[Mach40]

Yep, I am a nice guy, and many have taken advantage of it.. Including her, if thats what is called when she is your wife, before separation.
I find it funny most women are attracted to other than nice people. I see it quite often..

[LH19]

No clue what the first sentence means.

Nice Guy Syndrome is when you don’t ask for what you want instead you do passive aggressive things to try to get your needs met.

Women are attracted to strong nice guys who aren’t pushovers.

[Mach40]

No clue what the first sentence means.

Nice Guy Syndrome is when you don’t ask for what you want instead you do passive aggressive things to try to get your needs met.

Women are attracted to strong nice guys who aren’t pushovers.

So, tell a women what you want vice buying her crap to try and win her over.

[Mach40]

No clue what the first sentence means.

Nice Guy Syndrome is when you don’t ask for what you want instead you do passive aggressive things to try to get your needs met.

Women are attracted to strong nice guys who aren’t pushovers.

So, tell a women what you want vice buying her crap to try and win her over.

[Mach40]

No clue what the first sentence means.

Nice Guy Syndrome is when you don’t ask for what you want instead you do passive aggressive things to try to get your needs met.

Women are attracted to strong nice guys who aren’t pushovers.

So, tell a women what you want vice buying her crap to try and win her over.

[LH19]

No clue what the first sentence means.

Nice Guy Syndrome is when you don’t ask for what you want instead you do passive aggressive things to try to get your needs met.

Women are attracted to strong nice guys who aren’t pushovers.

So, tell a women what you want vice buying her crap to try and win her over.

Huh?

[LH19]

So Mach and example of your NGS is for 3 years you tried to play happy holiday family with your exw to try to win her back. You find out she has a BF and it’s no more happy holidays. Do you see why this can be confusing to her. How many times has stuff like that happened over the last 32 years?

[Mach40]

You said instead of telling a women what you want, nice guys do passive aggressive things instead to try and get needs met.
I basically said, tell a women what you want instead of buying crap, which is passive aggressive, to get what you want.

[LH19]

Mach tons of books on attraction out there. You can’t just sit in the side line watching you have to participate in the game.

[Mach40]

Mach tons of books on attraction out there. You can’t just sit in the side line watching you have to participate in the game.

Anyone you can quickly recommend

[LH19]

How to be a 3% man by Corey Wayne.

Definitely should also read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

[kml]

I find it funny most women are attracted to other than nice people. I see it quite often..

Good question. I can't say I particularly went after "bad boys", but it is true that in my younger days, I passed up some super "nice guys". Was it that they weren't exciting enough? Or that confidence is attractive, and they were lacking in that? Or were the pheromones just not right with that particular person?

I am sometimes reminded of one guy who had a crush on me in medical school (before I met my ex-husband). He was a nice guy, kind, smart (since he was in medical school too), decent looking (but with a kind of square, midwestern look to him). Average height, fit enough. I felt no attraction to him other than as a friend. Was it pheromones? Or was I looking for someone more exciting?

Anyway - we are FB friends, he married a nice nurse he met in school. She's not too different from me - had long brown hair like mine, similar build and features - not in a creepy way, just a general type. They have been happily married all these years. He has stayed fit and looks really handsome now compared to other men in our age group. He's retired and takes lovely trips with his wife. That life that I THOUGHT I was going to have with my ex, I might have had with him?

I wonder, if he had been more confident and assertive, would I have been attracted to him? I have no idea. It's not like he was shy, he did ask me out, he did try to pursue me. But I friend zoned him.

Instead later I ended up dating the handsome rock guitarist in the hit local band who asked me out, much to my total surprise. (He was so hip and cool and I most definitely was not the cool girl at the time). That fizzled because he wasn't really pursuing me enough at the time (go figure!) and then I met my ex.

All of this is a little different than the Nice Guy Syndrome. But if you're a nice guy who tends to get friend zoned, I'd say check your confidence and assertiveness. If they're lacking, that might be an issue.

[Dawn70]

While I agree with kml’s assessment that you might want to examine your assertiveness level, I disagree with nice guys lacking confidence. I know several nice guys who have very high confidence levels. Not all women pass nice guys by. Some of us prefer and choose nice guys. While you should certainly examine yourself, think about the type of women you choose. Maybe you are choosing those types who don’t choose nice guys.

[Mach40]

Nice guy syndrome has never been told to me. When I was young, I was very confident going after ladies, never felt rejected when I was, if that makes sense. When I met my ex, I was still pretty much running around. We were friends then, then I started really liking her, stopped going after other ladies and focused on her. Took quite some time, due to being in the Navy, and being deployed allot.
Obviously now, I was very naïve as to our situation. I honestly thought that she was trying to focus on us and herself to get back together. When actually she was just executing her plan to become independent financially career wise, then once that was secure, she started looking for another man. Of course, this was pretty recent within past couple years, one EA and now a OM. Career took a long time, lots of work to be able to afford a house, car, etc after having nothing.
So, Mr naïve I was, I was helping her and my daughters out, as I was the Husband. I was blind to it all, in laws kind of new, SIL/BIL new she wasnt focusing on getting back.
So yes, I was Nice Guy..
Please dont think she is an evil woman, she has allot of reasons to do what she did. For her, the kids, grands etc.. She sacrificed, and I failed to see what was going on.
I am up to speed now, slowly getting out, doing things, updating house, spending quality time with kids..
Havent bought her anything in a long time, as I have before.. And, according to the oldest, business is not doing well, even though she is the #1 Realtor in the company in this area, real estate is not doing well. She is even talking of selling home and renting.. Still, she hasnt said anything to me, as she is too proud.
And I digress.. I am pretty good at striking up conversations with ladies, I just havent had to for relationships in a long time. And when I am ready, I will be ready. Church next week, and soup kitchen for thanksgiving.. Love helping others.

[LH19]

Nice guy syndrome has never been told to me.

Well you have been on the board for 3 years and it's in hundreds of threads so you have definitely seen the term and it should have set bells off. No one is going to save you Mach you need to save yourself.

When I was young, I was very confident going after ladies, never felt rejected when I was, if that makes sense.

It does make sense and you need the same attitude this time around.

Obviously now, I was very naïve as to our situation. I honestly thought that she was trying to focus on us and herself to get back together.

What made you think that when you were separated for 3 years? Like Mach1 always says WAWs will rarely go back to the same situation. What would have changed?

When actually she was just executing her plan to become independent financially career wise, then once that was secure, she started looking for another man.

Hypergamy at it's best.

Of course, this was pretty recent within past couple years, one EA and now a OM.

So Mach when you are divorced it's a BF not an OM.

Career took a long time, lots of work to be able to afford a house, car, etc after having nothing.

So you took her and her two kids in and provided a family and financial stability for her until she could make it on her own?

So, Mr. naïve I was, I was helping her and my daughters out, as I was the Husband.

When you separate you separate. You can't nice her back. You have been trying for 3 years. It didn't and will NEVER work.

I was blind to it all, in laws kind of new, SIL/BIL new she wasn't focusing on getting back.

I read once if a separation goes longer than 6 months 90% of the time it ends up in a D.

So yes, I was Nice Guy..

Again, I don't think you quite understand the term "Nice Guy".

Please don't think she is an evil woman, she has a lot of reasons to do what she did.

So the way I see it is you checked out and became very complacent, had nothing else going on in your life and battled with your step daughter.

For her, the kids, grands etc.. She sacrificed, and I failed to see what was going on.

What did she sacrifice?

I am up to speed now, slowly getting out, doing things, updating house, spending quality time with kids..

Better late than never.

Haven't bought her anything in a long time, as I have before..

NGS. Trying to buy her love. Good for you realizing that won't work.

And, according to the oldest, business is not doing well, even though she is the #1 Realtor in the company in this area, real estate is not doing well. She is even talking of selling home and renting..

Or don't be shocked if she moves in with BF. She may like being rescued.

Still, she hasn't said anything to me, as she is too proud.

Why would she you are not her husband anymore?

And I digress.. I am pretty good at striking up conversations with ladies, I just haven't had to for relationships in a long time. And when I am ready, I will be ready.

Great!

Church next week, and soup kitchen for thanksgiving.. Love helping others.

Mach church and soup kitchens are good but you really should start to expand your GAL.

[BL42]

Mach40,

and the question came up, should I get her Momma something, card etc for Christmas..

You wrote this in a passive voice, i.e. "the question came up", but who raised the question...you? her?

Well, oldest said her Momma did get me a gift card, but since she was sick for my B Day dinner, my oldest put the gift card in her card from her and my grand baby. Didnt tell me till today. Made me feel bad for that. Wasnt my fault, it was my daughters for not informing me..

You should spend some time exploring why you feel bad. This woman divorced you and is dating another man. And you feel bad for not saying thank you for a gift card you didn't know about?

Thoughts on what I should do, reach out and give her a thank you for the gift card.

Nothing. It's over. Let it be.

And, since she did get me something for my B Day, should I retro something to her?

No!

I am sure most will say, just let it go.

Yep. You know our advice

I get it, but after 32 years, some things always mean something regardless of how we feel about each other.

Mach you're officially divorced and have been separated many years. Your time is better spent on you rather than giving her headspace about a gift card.

[Mach40]

What made you think that when you were separated for 3 years? Like Mach1 always says WAWs will rarely go back to the same situation. What would have changed?

When actually she was just executing her plan to become independent financially career wise, then once that was secure, she started looking for another man.

Hypergamy at it's best.

Of course, this was pretty recent within past couple years, one EA and now a OM.

So Mach when you are divorced it's a BF not an OM.

Career took a long time, lots of work to be able to afford a house, car, etc after having nothing.

So you took her and her two kids in and provided a family and financial stability for her until she could make it on her own?

So, Mr. naïve I was, I was helping her and my daughters out, as I was the Husband.

When you separate you separate. You can't nice her back. You have been trying for 3 years. It didn't and will NEVER work.

I was blind to it all, in laws kind of new, SIL/BIL new she wasn't focusing on getting back.

I read once if a separation goes longer than 6 months 90% of the time it ends up in a D.

So yes, I was Nice Guy..

Again, I don't think you quite understand the term "Nice Guy".

Please don't think she is an evil woman, she has a lot of reasons to do what she did.

So the way I see it is you checked out and became very complacent, had nothing else going on in your life and battled with your step daughter.

For her, the kids, grands etc.. She sacrificed, and I failed to see what was going on.

What did she sacrifice?

I am up to speed now, slowly getting out, doing things, updating house, spending quality time with kids..

Better late than never.

Haven't bought her anything in a long time, as I have before..

NGS. Trying to buy her love. Good for you realizing that won't work.

And, according to the oldest, business is not doing well, even though she is the #1 Realtor in the company in this area, real estate is not doing well. She is even talking of selling home and renting..

Or don't be shocked if she moves in with BF. She may like being rescued.

Still, she hasn't said anything to me, as she is too proud.

Why would she you are not her husband anymore?

And I digress.. I am pretty good at striking up conversations with ladies, I just haven't had to for relationships in a long time. And when I am ready, I will be ready.

Great!

Church next week, and soup kitchen for thanksgiving.. Love helping others.

Mach church and soup kitchens are good but you really should start to expand your GAL.

Okay, I will try to answer the quotes here.
After 3 years, I honestly thought things would change. Sorry for being honest. I had no clue to what was going on. Zero. I was very much under the impression she was going to work on herself to come back. Yep Naïve.
Hypergamy, yep. So be it, if that is what she mentally thinks is important to her future, than its his choice to accept that too.. It natural to find/look for a superior protector in life, all animals do it. Being sarcastic, but, it is what it is.
Yes he is BF, sorry about that acronym I used.
I didnt take her kids in while she did all this. Youngest went with her, oldest was with me till she moved out with her BF.. Oldest is with her now, for 3 years and youngest has her own place for a year now. She couldnt stand living with oldest and the kids, too much chaos as she put it.
I did nothing financial for the youngest other than car insurance and health insurance, which is nothing via TRICARE.
I did nothing financial for the oldest either except car insurance.
I have a pretty good idea of what nice guy is. I am a nice guy, always helping people out, rescuing them as stated here. She needs rescuing and that is probably why I married her to begin with subconsciously.
The battles with my oldest were over many years ago, about 7. Now, she and I get along very well.
Maybe because she knows I am a good grandparent to her child and she finally gets it, or she is using me? I dont care, as I love my grand baby, and she will be taken care of as her Dad is a POS.
If ex moves in with BF, which I doubt, it would be a show of weakness.. I say that because this woman is ultra head strong and a workaholic. I dont see her giving up all she is working for to have a man take care of her. She has spoken this quite a bit.. Maybe its just all show. It doesnt matter.
The only issue would be, where would my oldest daughter go, as she is a non worker and living with her Momma. She wont come here..
Soup kitchen and Church are a start.. The Church is a different Church, with allot of counseling, group sessions and community service... I think it will get me out and busy... I need social interaction, and I now know it..

[Mach40]

Mach40,

and the question came up, should I get her Momma something, card etc for Christmas..

You wrote this in a passive voice, i.e. "the question came up", but who raised the question...you? her?

Well, oldest said her Momma did get me a gift card, but since she was sick for my B Day dinner, my oldest put the gift card in her card from her and my grand baby. Didnt tell me till today. Made me feel bad for that. Wasnt my fault, it was my daughters for not informing me..

You should spend some time exploring why you feel bad. This woman divorced you and is dating another man. And you feel bad for not saying thank you for a gift card you didn't know about?

Thoughts on what I should do, reach out and give her a thank you for the gift card.

Nothing. It's over. Let it be.

And, since she did get me something for my B Day, should I retro something to her?

No!

I am sure most will say, just let it go.

Yep. You know our advice

I get it, but after 32 years, some things always mean something regardless of how we feel about each other.

Mach you're officially divorced and have been separated many years. Your time is better spent on you rather than giving her headspace about a gift card.

I was asking Oldest about Christmas gifts and asked if I should also get her Momma something. I passively said, she and I didnt get B Day stuff for each other, so maybe I shouldnt. So, yes, I brought it up passively to justify not getting anything for Christmas.
I felt bad just for the fact I would have if I had known, I would have said thnx. Its my nature to be polite. If that makes sense.
I know time is better spent on me.. I agree.
Again, the worst part about all this is timing. If I could have known about this site, the books years ago, I would have been way better off.
I have to shrug that off and get moving. And with all the holidays coming up, it makes it a bit tougher.
Last night my youngest made some home made Risotto and tea for my Bronchitis also. While there she asked what I am doing for the Thanksgiving and Christmas. I said, we talked about it, and I wont be going to your Moms house or her Sister house for either Holiday. She said, okay, your fresh off of getting hurt, I understand.. So we came up with a little plan to do a small Dinner at my place, and Christmas eve at my place for gifts. She has a good head on her shoulders.
The oldest is more concerned of her B day, daughters B day and Christmas. She has no job, medical issue, and she is hyper focused on those things.. her B Day, grands b day, and Christmas will be fine, I assured her.

[LH19]

Mach so you know hypergamy and gold digger are not the same thing.

[Mach40]

Mach so you know hypergamy and gold digger are not the same thing.

I do now. I feel my ex is desperately trying to find security in her future. She was a survivor when I first met her as she was struggling to get out of her parents home, even though she was working full time..
Then our marriage got all screwed up, and she hyper focused on getting ahead. She was doing very very well in Real Estate, and Mercedes Benz relocation contracts. Now everything is drying up in a bad way.
So, she found a person who has never married, no kids, is financially secure, and probably in her circle of business. She sees him as a lifeline, subconsciously. I cant control her, and honestly do wish her the best. I just had always thought we would power through and get back together. I am human.
I am financially secure for the rest of my life. Once I get focused on me, 100%, I am going to be fine emotionality etc. Its a process many here have gone through as I will too.
Like its been said, the vision I have of her is fantasy, not reality. I will eventually just remember all the good and forgive/forget the bad, as best I can..

[LH19]

That’s the best attitude to have Mach.

[Mach40]

Thnx LH, I will do my best to work on myself.. I will, trust me.. It just takes time..

[Ginger1]

What’s wrong with church and volunteering as GAL? Gym concerts and the beach isn’t for everyone.

I think it’s great GAL. I’m not a church goer, but volunteering is an great way to socialize, give back and get a sense of fulfillment

[LH19]

Well if you actually read what I wrote I said it’s a good start and he should expand his GAL. I’m starting yoga next month.

Yep totally aware that beaches, concerts and the gym aren’t for everyone. Just like skinny, tanned, big breasted blondes aren’t for everyone but thank you for the reminder.

[AndrewP]

I do now. I feel my ex is desperately trying to find security in her future. She was a survivor when I first met her as she was struggling to get out of her parents home, even though she was working full time..

Just keep reminding yourself that this isn't your issue. My own xW bragged to her friends about how much money her OM had as a small business owner who had just gotten a windfall from his wife's death from cancer.

Nearly 7 years later they're living modestly about 10 minutes away well subsidized by my alimony payments (16 more to go). I have no idea what their situation is, but they are both driving 10 year old + vehicles and the trips to tropical destinations she used to insist on aren't happening to the best of my (rather limited) knowledge.

The only big trip they went on was when my xW drained 1/2 of our savings account while we were still married but separated. It was also when she was outed as a cheating spouse as her secret got out on social media from people they met.

A big part of detachment is severing the link / dropping the rope between your future and her's. She's made her choices and has gone on her own path that has nothing to do with you. You need to find your own path. The place to get to is when she is just someone you used to know. It's a tough journey I assure you, but worth it.

[Mach40]

AndrewP, I agree, It is hard to see someone who left you make decisions for her , and her only.. But, I think she will pull it through. She is not a quitter.. I have seen her work 3 jobs while going to school raising one kid... Maybe she doesnt have the same energy, but she has pride and will power..
Whatever the two end up doing, its their decision.. I think they will be fine. Even though deep down I want both to fail, I know deep down that is not right and I shouldnt think that way. If she fails, it affects both my daughters and grand kids in some way..

[Mach40]

I was talking to my 2 sisters, one is 5 years younger and the older is 5 years older. Both live on separate coasts. One is widowed, youngest, as her husband passed with a thrombosis? barely45 years old. Super fit, lumberjack in Oregon..
Oldest has been divorced for about 15 years..
Anyways, they were asking how I was doing, and both said something people have touched on. They both said I was always someones Knight in Shining armor. I chose women, even before my wife, that needed help.. So, that is definitely a problem for me to figure out. Thoughts?

[LH19]

Sounds like it. Subconsciously you must believe where your family comes from as a partner.

So the question becomes how do you increase your value as a partner that has nothing to do with you saving someone?

[Mach40]

Hmm. Subconsciously I believe where my family comes from as a partner?
I can tell I am focusing on me. Just yesterday I bought a new grill and TV for me.
I already did the grands room, but forgot about me.
My house is my focus, for me. I need to get some things to make it more eye catching. I have been putting it off for various financial reasons. I live off of my means, not CC.
But, if I am going get a life, especially with a new lady, I need to have my house looking good.

[LH19]

Sorry on phone “value” not “family”

[Mach40]

Hmm. Subconsciously I believe where my family comes from as a partner?
I can tell I am focusing on me. Just yesterday I bought a new grill and TV for me.
I already did the grands room, but forgot about me.
My house is my focus, for me. I need to get some things to make it more eye catching. I have been putting it off for various financial reasons. I live off of my means, not CC.
But, if I am going get a life, especially with a new lady, I need to have my house looking good.

[kml]

Hmmm....so you have White Knight syndrome. This is REALLY worth exploring before you get into another relationship.

Sure, it feels good to rescue someone because then you have their gratitude - right? Although that's NOT always guaranteed! Why else might it be attractive? Do you perhaps feel less secure about your value in other ways, so flexing your ability to rescue someone financially or otherwise is something you think you need to do to attract a mate? Did your parents perhaps model this type of relationship? Do you feel the need to be the one "in control" in a relationship, rather than dating an equal who might challenge you? Do you not feel you deserve a woman who is independent and has her act together?

It's worth exploring for sure so you don't keep repeating.

[Mach40]

Hmmm....so you have White Knight syndrome. This is REALLY worth exploring before you get into another relationship.

Sure, it feels good to rescue someone because then you have their gratitude - right? Although that's NOT always guaranteed! Why else might it be attractive? Do you perhaps feel less secure about your value in other ways, so flexing your ability to rescue someone financially or otherwise is something you think you need to do to attract a mate? Did your parents perhaps model this type of relationship? Do you feel the need to be the one "in control" in a relationship, rather than dating an equal who might challenge you? Do you not feel you deserve a woman who is independent and has her act together?

It's worth exploring for sure so you don't keep repeating.

White Knight syndrome. I will definitely look into that.
Real good questions, you have asked. Curious how my parents would have modeled this type of relationship.
Control the relationship. I dont think I do, not sure where I have acted this way. Maybe ex felt that way..
This does need to be explored.. It may be a sign of something that might be an eye opener.

[Mach40]

Past 3 days I have been decorating home. Getting kitchen up to spec to bring guests in. Porch has chairs, cushions, and soon lights. I bought a grill too.. I will be entertaining people more often..
Who? Not sure, but I have been outside allot talking to neighbors. Heck, one is/was a Tudor for Nicole Kidman when she lived up in CT. I am out..

[Mach40]

Hmmm....so you have White Knight syndrome. This is REALLY worth exploring before you get into another relationship.

Sure, it feels good to rescue someone because then you have their gratitude - right? Although that's NOT always guaranteed! Why else might it be attractive? Do you perhaps feel less secure about your value in other ways, so flexing your ability to rescue someone financially or otherwise is something you think you need to do to attract a mate? Did your parents perhaps model this type of relationship? Do you feel the need to be the one "in control" in a relationship, rather than dating an equal who might challenge you? Do you not feel you deserve a woman who is independent and has her act together?

It's worth exploring for sure so you don't keep repeating.

White Knight syndrome. I will definitely look into that.
Real good questions, you have asked. Curious how my parents would have modeled this type of relationship.
Control the relationship. I dont think I do, not sure where I have acted this way. Maybe ex felt that way..
This does need to be explored.. It may be a sign of something that might be an eye opener.

I was discussing with my sisters about the White Knight Syndrome. Common theme, our parents were from very hard poor families. But, instead of wanting more for us, we ( at least I was) somewhat neglected. No expectations from school, did sports but it was school required as much as Dad wanted to get involved. My Dad, military , was gone allot, worked long hours when home.
Mom, she just did laundry, meals, and sent us to school. No real trips, no social stuff, just nothing.
Most of my friends , as we all discussed, did stuff. Sports, trips, educational things to better themselves, camps, boy scouts, music.
I had to pay half for my BMX as a kid, half for my walkman ( yes I am dating myself) for example. Things started coming out when I spoke with them.. I guess as we get older we close things into compartments.
It kind of makes sense now. They say neglected parents can cause you to have emotional weakness, low self esteem, no drive or direction... And you always want to help people than mentally you may think have the same issues and need rescuing, without knowing why you do it.

[AndrewP]

Looking at what you've been writing Mach40, I can see similarities with my own past journey.

One thing I think that you are looking at is what you can offer vs what you want. I certainly made that mistake. I'm stable, with a decent income, a shabby but neat home, all my own teeth etc.

It's like going into a store with $100 and seeing what it will buy vs going shopping and seeing something you want and then deciding if it's worth buying.

I certainly even now still have a tendency to think about how fortunate I am, and I am indeed very fortunate, and seeing others that could be helped with that and feeling internal pressure to share my good fortune. For example, I have a largeish 4 bedroom home that I live alone in with my cat. There is a housing crisis in my area with many people unable to afford rent even in sub-standard housing. Do I feel guilty about not opening my doors and offering up my surplus space? Heck yes. But I also know that that's not something I want to have in my life.

Just something to think about. If you look at my own threads from a bit over 3 years ago, you'll see my dating stories if you are interested. In all cases, it ended up with situations where people around me, including from here really pushed me to realize that I was putting in all the effort and not getting anything out of it.

[Mach40]

Andrew, thanks for that. It does make sense. I am very fortunate too. I can quick my job, and live for me. If it wasnt for my 2 kids that is. I still feel I need to be a person they can rely on if necessary. Life is tough, one is a single parent, and the other is working two jobs to pay rent, and such..
As far as my ex, and dating. I am at the age where I am seeing the trend of potential women. If I were a betting man, most just divorced, kids are out of college, and they need someone to help them go forward, after being the non provider per say in the family prior to divorce. Thats a harsh generalization, but is what I am seeing. The women that dont need you are there, just not on the dating scene as much.
If I were rich, I mean loaded, I would have bought my ex a house, put the deed in her name as a parting gift, a rather large gift.. But, I am not, and all she wanted was half of the equity, which wasnt much, so she could put a down payment on her home.. Now, she is about to sell, move into an apartment, and I am not flinching. Not going to help. I was fired from that job, and I realize a white knight is unhealthy for me..
I have allot to offer, but if the other side doesnt offer up to, then its not a good relationship.

[Mach40]

Andrew, any specific threads on dating? You have allot of threads..

[LH19]

So Mach after a couple dates you are seeing that and ready to generalize that most women that are single need a man to help them forward? Quite frankly I see the opposite and have dated women who are very independent. Interesting how we see thing’s completely different.

[AndrewP]

Andrew, any specific threads on dating? You have allot of threads..

LOL - yes I do. To summarize and save you some reading, I dated a couple of women who were very much less favoured economically than me. Things moved very fast in both cases, and all the people around me (and eventually me) realized that I was being taken advantage of.

In the first case, the woman called it off due in part to the fact that my house was too big and had too many stairs and I refused to sell it and buy a lake-front property. She also had a lot of unresolved issues including a ex-husband that she eventually went back to. I suspect she was having her own version of a MLC and I was rock bottom He'd had multiple affairs before they split and I was assured that it was completely over. They'd been apart for multiple years but kept in touch.

In the second case I had to call it off when the woman turned out to be hoarder who expected me to take care of everything for her and her extended family. One episode that stands out was when I ended up in the hospital because of angina pains (turned out it was stress related) and she emptied the bank account buying stuff at Costco while she waited for me to get out of surgery. Oh and my house was far far too small because she couldn't have a separate office and craft room for herself and there wasn't enough room for her stuff. After we split she moved into her parent's small bungalow which she inherited just before I called it quits.

Now, I'm not saying that any disparity in economic capability is an immediate no-go. But rather the lack of reciprocity. I was married for 26 years to a woman who worked as a retail clerk. There was never a question of who contributed more to the family. We each did our part.

Going forward I can't see myself again being in a situation where finances would be combined. I'm 58 and don't want to risk my future again. And as time goes on and I spend more and more time living alone I find that I appreciate it. I used to think that I could get along with anyone and that turned out to be wrong. My friend "C" who I've been seeing a bit of lately has assured me that in her opinion that I must be hard to live with.

[Mach40]

So Mach after a couple dates you are seeing that and ready to generalize that most women that are single need a man to help them forward? Quite frankly I see the opposite and have dated women who are very independent. Interesting how we see thing’s completely different.

Stop reading between the lines. Lifes experience tells me allot about women too.
I have been on dating forums for a while, and when you read hundreds, and hundreds of them you start to see trends.. Trend analysis is a neat thing I did for many years in the service, on people and foreign military.
There are independent women, no doubt, and society has embraced that.
But when you see, empty nest, kids in college, recently divorced it sends a message as to what is happening in the marriage world. Then, if you read them further, many are looking for a person to help out.. Don't get all feminist on me and say women are all independent. Not all are. And most that go on dating sites, I would say are in need of a partner to support their life.
I am a feminist, and by definition I agree with it. But not all have been able to achieve true independence.. Neither have all men..
I may have generalized, its because its what I see. My opinion.

[Mach40]

Andrew, any specific threads on dating? You have allot of threads..

LOL - yes I do. To summarize and save you some reading, I dated a couple of women who were very much less favoured economically than me. Things moved very fast in both cases, and all the people around me (and eventually me) realized that I was being taken advantage of.

In the first case, the woman called it off due in part to the fact that my house was too big and had too many stairs and I refused to sell it and buy a lake-front property. She also had a lot of unresolved issues including a ex-husband that she eventually went back to. I suspect she was having her own version of a MLC and I was rock bottom He'd had multiple affairs before they split and I was assured that it was completely over. They'd been apart for multiple years but kept in touch.

In the second case I had to call it off when the woman turned out to be hoarder who expected me to take care of everything for her and her extended family. One episode that stands out was when I ended up in the hospital because of angina pains (turned out it was stress related) and she emptied the bank account buying stuff at Costco while she waited for me to get out of surgery. Oh and my house was far far too small because she couldn't have a separate office and craft room for herself and there wasn't enough room for her stuff. After we split she moved into her parent's small bungalow which she inherited just before I called it quits.

Now, I'm not saying that any disparity in economic capability is an immediate no-go. But rather the lack of reciprocity. I was married for 26 years to a woman who worked as a retail clerk. There was never a question of who contributed more to the family. We each did our part.

Going forward I can't see myself again being in a situation where finances would be combined. I'm 58 and don't want to risk my future again. And as time goes on and I spend more and more time living alone I find that I appreciate it. I used to think that I could get along with anyone and that turned out to be wrong. My friend "C" who I've been seeing a bit of lately has assured me that in her opinion that I must be hard to live with.

I am starting to see more and more writings, and videos of people saying being single is the best thing that ever happened.
And, I am 55, I like the freedoms too.. Yes, its a little boring at times. But now, as I am seeing the light, I am going to enjoy dating, without commitment. She is going to have to want to move a mountain to get to me..
I have a co worker that just took on a girlfriend, right after divorce. She is sucking him dry, and everyone is telling him to stop.. Its disturbing what she is doing to him financially..

[Ginger1]

What I find more disturbing than the woman sucking your friend financially dry is the fact that a grown man in his 50’s is allowing that. Especially after a divorce! Can he not be without a woman? He needs to get to the bottom of his issues. What she is doing is sh!tty for sure, but why is he allowing it ?

[LH19]

Well it’s not reading between the lines when you actually come out and say it. I would stay away from women who put in their profiles that they are looking for a man to take care of them. I think I mentioned this to you before, you don’t want a woman who will move a mountain for you. You want a woman who reciprocates.

[Mach40]

What I find more disturbing than the woman sucking your friend financially dry is the fact that a grown man in his 50’s is allowing that. Especially after a divorce! Can he not be without a woman? He needs to get to the bottom of his issues. What she is doing is sh!tty for sure, but why is he allowing it ?

His older brother, who works with us/him has been giver her an earful as well as his brother..
I would say he has severe White Knight Syndrome... Neglect would be my first reasoning. Dad, unknown, Mom had several husbands. He has 4 brothers from different fathers. Mom died a couple years ago, and neither even bothered to go to the funeral. Even with bereavement pay, they asked to use it later in the year.

[Dawn70]

Maybe it is my raising, but I learned at a very young age how to entertain myself so that I was NEVER bored. I was raised on a farm and if one of my parents heard you say you were bored, they could find a farm chore (usually a hard one like building fence) and put you to work. I say this today that I understand what you mean that being alone can be boring at times. I urge you, though, to try and change that mind set and see it as an opportunity so that you don’t get sucked into feeling like you HAVE to date to combat boredom. You do seem to have some good GAL: church, house remodeling, spending time with family. Keep going with those and maybe even explore other things that might bring you joy.

[Mach40]

I get bored easily due to lifestyle/Work. I was used to being under the ocean on a boat for, not always obviously, for 24 years. Travel, out to sea, shore duty working abroad. Always was busy.
New career, same thing, always traveling, working 60 hr work weeks.
Well, times are allot slower, and with no family in the house on top of it, lately its been super boring.
So, I have been doing what I can to keep busy.
Just to give you an idea. I went to AK, then SC, back to TX, then back to SC in a 3 month period..
Starting in January, its CA, Italy, then AK encompassing 6 months time.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Mach

Please start a new thread.

D

[DnJ]

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