Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Mach1 Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/22/22 12:07 AM
Been thinking about this for some time. A place to call my own here....



I can paint it whatever color I want...take down the ugly curtains that Cadet hung....


Building a large table for friends to gather around…

I'm not looking for pity, I'm sorry either. Just some real stuff, maybe some playing....


I was reading some in the archives recently, and with one of the BIG 6x6's that Ian used to swing around here. And he told me that this place was for laying out whatever my thoughts were, being vulnerable, and trusting others to help, advise, or provide empathy towards my thoughts, feelings, or whatever comes out.

That certainly encompasses me lately. …

As many of you know, I have had a huge loss recently in my life. Essentially ripped it apart, down the middle , and shredded all of the hopes, dreams, comforts, and companionship that I have had for the past almost 13 years.


I've deeply loved two Women in my life. I lost one of them through a Divorce, and one of them to Cancer....


Losing a partner to cancer is different than the loss of a partner through Divorce. Similarly the same, yet totally the opposite. From my perspective, the difference being that one, (divorce), was a conscious decision that had been made, whereas losing a partner to death is NOT a decision. It is the total opposite of a decision. If anything can lesson the pain, it is that.


Dealing with the aftermath is something that is different too. Going through what I went through with a divorce gave me lessons in how to navigate loss again. When I got here way too many years ago, I was broken, so it was a rebuilding process internally. Lately I have found that I am not broken, I am just heartbroken....BIG difference there....


If this isn't something that is allowed here, then please remove this thread. I kinda figured that loss was loss. And dealing with loss and rebuilding is the essence of this forum. ???

I have been laying myself at the foot of the Cross lately, trying to find what is real , what is imagined, and what I need to learn from this, and carry forward with me. It's left me feeling pretty empty at times, and has knocked me on my a$$ quite a bit. I am more than okay being alone, yet the emptiness is what haunts me most. I still watch the window to see her turning into the driveway, or waiting to hear her special text tone, only to realize that it's not her, and it will never be her again.

To be holding each other and planning a vacation in March, to planning a memorial service in June is pretty sobering...


Maybe that's something different from the Divorce process, that we can do the work, and better ourselves, and HOPE that one day we can be reconciled....there is no chance of that with this. Hope is laying at the bottom of a ravine, crumpled and decaying, along with the prayers, and dreams of our future that we were building together.


I had a birthday last week, not my first, yet the first that I have had since I had met her and lost her. I would say that the anxiety beforehand was numbing. It shut me down pretty good. Working through it, I realized that the expectation of it was worse than the actual day was. The day after was equally as hard, as it marked time.


Each day is another day that I feel further from her, another day, then week, than month, then year. I'm pretty sure that isn't productive in any way, other than process what I am feeling and thinking.


I've had thoughts additionally about my mortality, and what that might look like down the road. And I'm not stupid, and I have a lot to live for, so NO, I would never be foolish as to throw life away, yet there has been a certain calm about it for me, and that if the call would come, then I would gladly answer it.


I've decided that I am not making any BIG decisions for at least a year, about my life, about where I might live, or what I might do. Possibly even who I will be when I get further into this process. Nothing in life is for certain, this has shown me that.


All I can assure myself, is that failure isn't an option. I made K a promise, that whatever I did, and what my future looked like. That I would get through this whole and healthy, and that I would not only survive this, but thrive afterward. So that I could carry her with me to all of the future happiness she wants for me.... That this will not define me, and that I will honor her by letting her go and living a life of happiness.


Way easier said than done baby….


While at the Cross, I have been dealing with a lot of differing thoughts and emotions. Mostly, guilt has been eating at me. I've asked myself a million times, If I was 'enough' for her. Then again, I asked her that during better times and she always said yes. The last two years had been very difficult for us, and HER last 2 months made those look easy.


The difficulties that we faced, the lines between Love and Obligation could easily be blurred. So defining what each of those was, had become important to us both. Being her primary caretaker happened really quickly. Neither of us was ready for how freakin fast she spiraled down.


She would look at me and say..."I’m sorry, this isn't what you signed up for" and I would tell her that " I signed up for you, and whatever that entails" ...


And the guilt is what is different for me between the two things. Guilt allows it to be an obligation, whereas the lack of guilt allows me to see that all of this, was a choice that I made. A choice to Love without fear.


Sure, I feel guilty about some things, just not on the grand level that it could be, I feel guilty because after not sleeping for three nights and going to work, I would snap at her when she would expect the fourth night to be a mirror of the previous ones. On some level I can accept that it is human nature, on others I refuse to accept that from myself...and I should have been "better" for her. Peace lives in the balance between the two.


I feel guilt because I was unaware of how far into the end of life process she really was before I recognized it for what it was. It wasn't until we did our hospice intake that it really hit me, how much pain she was really in. How that I was in 'survival' mode, and maybe not seeing things as clearly as I could have, or should have.

I want to be able to see things clearly, without rose coloring on my glasses.




Sometimes a memory sees only what it wants to believe......Chris Robinson



I suppose that is what and where I differ from the divorce too. I ACTED out of guilt, even "stood" out of guilt for quite sometime, until I could get out of my own way, and accept that I was just as much to blame as she was for the demise of our marriage.



Anywoo....



i'm an open book.



Welcome to my place here....



It smells funny, I really need to wash the walls and change the curtains that Cadet hung up....



Clean the musty smell out of the basement from LH running his statistical database...and developing his phycological dating app. Clean out the Capri Sun pouches, pick up the Chuck-E-Cheese boxes....
Posted By: Cadet Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/22/22 12:20 AM
Since this is your first thread - I should post my welcome post.

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀
I’m personally glad the cat dragged you in. Welcome!

A whole different view from the other side of divorce and into loving again that we don’t usually see here. And the loss of two loves that will never leave your heart.

I think many of us have asked ourselves “what would hurt more , losing the one we love, not by their choice, or losing the one we love by a decision they made “ really, we are powerless over both, in the end.

Guilt. You know me and guilt know eachother very well. I feel guilty about much all the time. Feeling guilty about choices or feelings, even if my actions are coming from a good place and out of love.

Well, I know that K wouldn’t want you to feel guilty about any feelings you had at during such an awful difficult time. I know she would want you to feel how you feel. And I sure as heck know your feelings were because you loved her so dammed much. I know she knew that too.

As far as obligation. Well, I believe we do what we are obliged to do out of love. That is love. Everything we do out of love isn’t desirable or easy, but because we love, we do it.

And I think it’s a great idea to not make any major changes for a year . Take the time to get acquainted with yourself here on earth with K not physically beside you and in your soul. Because I know you will get clarity on what you need to do.

Always here for you, my friend !!
Posted By: Cadet Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/22/22 12:38 AM
Well now that I welcomed you - I have actually read your post.

Yes you are certainly allowed to post here and I think the point about the difference between divorce and death is certainly a worthy topic to discuss.

I totally agree that the big difference is that it is much more final, no reconciliation is in the cards.
Although with many of us that is the same result anyways.
So we certainly need to get through the grieving process and rebuild the rest of your life.

There are certainly many similarities in the process.
And as our friend with the same first name as me pointed out their are no shortcuts or easy buttons.
The only way through is to point ourselves in the right direction and take one step at a time.

Keep plodding.
Hello ... just brought over a few things for the new place:

1. some virtual white mountain sage to clear and get the musty smell out ...

2. the Italian thing: bread, oil, a candle, a broom, salt, honey - to never go hungry, for good health, for light, and cleaning out the cobwebs, and prosperity, to have sweetness in your life.

3. a fire extinguisher (hey, you never know when you'll need it)

4. a subscription to BritBox so you can watch Fawlty Towers when you start taking yourself too seriously
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/22/22 12:44 PM
Originally Posted by Cadet
Since this is your first thread - I should post my welcome post.

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀


HAA !!!

Not sure how that works, I think I might already be in some of that homework....

In all seriousness though...

YOUR dedication to the Welcome post is applaudable, and I for one, appreciate all of the effort that you have put into that over the years....

Almost this....

whistle whistle whistle whistle
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/22/22 12:58 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m personally glad the cat dragged you in. Welcome!

A whole different view from the other side of divorce and into loving again that we don’t usually see here. And the loss of two loves that will never leave your heart.

I think many of us have asked ourselves “what would hurt more , losing the one we love, not by their choice, or losing the one we love by a decision they made “ really, we are powerless over both, in the end.

Guilt. You know me and guilt know each other very well. I feel guilty about much all the time. Feeling guilty about choices or feelings, even if my actions are coming from a good place and out of love.

Well, I know that K wouldn’t want you to feel guilty about any feelings you had at during such an awful difficult time. I know she would want you to feel how you feel. And I sure as heck know your feelings were because you loved her so dammed much. I know she knew that too.

As far as obligation. Well, I believe we do what we are obliged to do out of love. That is love. Everything we do out of love isn’t desirable or easy, but because we love, we do it.

And I think it’s a great idea to not make any major changes for a year . Take the time to get acquainted with yourself here on earth with K not physically beside you and in your soul. Because I know you will get clarity on what you need to do.

Always here for you, my friend !!


Thanks G !!

The obligation/Love thing...I know you are hard on yourself....

Prolly shouldn't be...

Been working though this a LOT too. I think that I have narrowed it down the the choices that we make....

I chose to do what I did for/with her...

I didn't do anything because I felt that she didn't have any other option and I was stuck doing this....

I WANTED to do this, and guide her through to her next adventure...

Still, a balance that I need to work through..

So I'm thinking it may have been Love....

And I know K would kick my a$$ if I mired down and let this overcome my spirit...



Always here for you as well G.... : )
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/22/22 02:31 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Hello ... just brought over a few things for the new place:

1. some virtual white mountain sage to clear and get the musty smell out ...

2. the Italian thing: bread, oil, a candle, a broom, salt, honey - to never go hungry, for good health, for light, and cleaning out the cobwebs, and prosperity, to have sweetness in your life.

3. a fire extinguisher (hey, you never know when you'll need it)

4. a subscription to BritBox so you can watch Fawlty Towers when you start taking yourself too seriously




Thank you for the gifts !!!

The bread is gone already, it was awesome..... used some of the oil and toasted it over the candle


Which reminds me.....

The Fire Extinguisher was the BEST idea ever.... !!!!!



I was doin a Sage burn a long time ago, and it caught this.....

Oh wait....That wasn't Sage.... : )



What time does Fawlty Towers start ?
Originally Posted by Mach1
What time does Fawlty Towers start ?
5 minutes ... grab the popcorn
Posted By: Drew Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/23/22 04:42 AM
Mach1,

Brother....

You know I'm a man of few words. And rarely post here anymore. But for you I just gotta.

I came here about the same time as you. In pain, doubting everything.

But you, our buddy J3B, and yes even Eric helped get me through.

And for that I can never repay you.

So whatever you need from me.

Anything.

You got it.

As always, Strength and Honor, my friend.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/23/22 12:06 PM
Drew....Thank you ....

I think that I just need a place to journal some thoughts. I've always felt that if I wrote my goals, and feelings, that I kinda had to hold myself accountable for them. When I first got here, it was kinda through the back door, and while I didn't have any threads early on, I got smacked over the head continually through the email side of things. Still, there were journaling thoughts of my own in them.

I'm not really reeling anymore as much as just feeling these things.

I know that most of the people that ask "Hey, how are you doing? " , aren't ready to hear what I say. And I'm okay with that for the most part.

As you know me, you know that I internalize everything before it comes out, ( I feel as though I am socially, the way you are here. Few words, yet I see everything : )) Through this...and because K isn't there to hear the snippets little by little as they come out ( I do tell her still), what that has looked like, is when I get human contact, I pretty typically can make someone's head spin and they gloss over fairly quickly...Including one therapist so far.

They say that loss is loss, and for the most part, that is true..

The loss of a spouse/partner seems the most devastating. Maybe that is just my perspective at this time. As much as losing a loved one is devastating, at the end of the day, one can come home to a support system, it's when the support system is the one that is lost....all hell breaks loose internally.

I've had some great support the past couple months. Met some new peeps, talked with some older peeps. One of the most surprising and helpful has been Mrs. Beans...

She and I have had some introspective talks about what "this" looks like, from where I am , to where she was and is now. We've talked in the past on many occasions, yet the talks recently have felt different with her. I think she is finally past everything that has haunted her. Which is a GOOD thing....

I actually talked with E last night, it was nice : o

He seems to be doing well for the most part. Some bumps in the road, but hey ....isn't that what life is about ?

Not so much what happens, how we deal with it ?

Life is getting better, still empty, yet getting better. I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, just gotta make sure it isn't a freight train coming through huh ?

I think the last time WE had contact, things are well with you ?

Mama and the kids doing well ?


That is the best part isn't it ?


I continually wish you well Brother...

Strength and honor....and perhaps some dignity and Grace too....

Well, if Grace is okay with that.... : O
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/23/22 12:08 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by Mach1
What time does Fawlty Towers start ?
5 minutes ... grab the popcorn


Did you eat all of the Popcorn ?


Dayum...
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by Mach1
What time does Fawlty Towers start ?
5 minutes ... grab the popcorn


Did you eat all of the Popcorn ?


Dayum...
Dude, you snooze, you lose ... we all enjoyed it ...
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/25/22 12:00 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by Mach1
What time does Fawlty Towers start ?
5 minutes ... grab the popcorn


Did you eat all of the Popcorn ?


Dayum...
Dude, you snooze, you lose ... we all enjoyed it ...


Sigh......fine

Hey, where did you get that fire extinguisher ??

Can those things be refilled ?



Anywoo....hopefully more popcorn soon....
you've already emptied that fire extinguisher? what did you do now?
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/25/22 01:37 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
you've already emptied that fire extinguisher? what did you do now?


Things I've learned....

If the oil gets spilled on the Sage....not good.

Microwave popcorn isn't the same packaging and preparation is NOT interchangeable with stove top popcorn...

Fire dept is 11 minutes away...

Pee on a Jellyfish sting, NOT a Jelly stain....

The next closest cracker barrel is 23.7 miles away...

Arm hair will eventually grow back...
oh. my.

you really need adult supervision.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/25/22 01:56 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
oh. my.

you really need adult supervision.

I blame Cadet...

He might be the oldest person ever here....
I don't think he wants to come out to play, however.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/25/22 02:11 PM
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
oh. my.

you really need adult supervision.

I blame Cadet...

He might be the oldest person ever here....

Unfortunately that is almost true except my hero nurse is 16 months older.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/25/22 02:15 PM
Originally Posted by Cadet
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
oh. my.

you really need adult supervision.

I blame Cadet...

He might be the oldest person ever here....

Unfortunately that is almost true except my hero nurse is 16 months older.


Slacker.... : )
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/25/22 02:33 PM
So, as I sit here, on the remnants of the front porch of this burned out mess.... : )

I am thinking of the rocking chair on the porch.

What that is, what that symbolizes....

The dream of the rocking chair....

Growing older, sitting in the rocking chair on the porch, graying ( or even more gray), holding hands as the sun sets, laughing at our youth, possibly holding a Grandchild....

I have often used the phrase that people get pi$$ed because their rocking chair was stolen off of their porch. It's a symbolism of their future being altered, and changed by Divorce, or in this case....death.

Through divorce, it certainly seems that the missing rocking chair was attributed to a theft. In my case now, the rocking chair is still there, it's just empty..

What does that mean to me now ??

I'm not sure just yet, and maybe I need to spend some time in one, and see what the wind whispers to me....

Today is a Monday, which means 8 weeks. Not that it matters much now, other than my strange, warped way of marking time. It's almost the reverse of how people mark the time with a newborn....

Oh, Cadet is 3,582 and a half weeks !! : )

Kind of the same, just marking the time I've spent away from her. I would assume that it is normal to think along those lines, maybe not.

I DO know that it isn't healthy to stay in that place. It should eventually become a celebration of another fire that I walked through. And a celebration of the life that we DID have together before this. However, not there yet....

I assume that this, like soooooo many other things are just another landmark on my way to my promise to K....

Find a way through this, and find happiness....and popcorn possibly....
Posted By: LH19 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/25/22 02:47 PM
Originally Posted by Mach1
Through divorce, it certainly seems that the missing rocking chair was attributed to a theft. In my case now, the rocking chair is still there, it's just empty..
I just literally experienced it this weekend. I sat on a porch with a couple who have been married for 65 years. She has dementia and can't remember a lot, but he remembers everything. He was reminiscing about the old days and can remember me as a toddler. They lived a blessed life with 3 great kids and now several grandchildren. I think that is eveyone's Disney ending. I know it was mine and I felt my rocking chair was stolen. I realize now it's still their it's just empty and time will tell who sits in it with me in the end.
My rocking chair wasn't stolen. It was smashed into kindling, had gasoline poured on it and was lit on fire, while on the porch. There it is, smoking rubble for today's trash removal.

There will not be another rocking chair. My parents were married 73 years, together 75. I will not celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary with my love. Heck if I fell in love today I may not even celebrate 25 years with someone.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/25/22 03:30 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
My rocking chair wasn't stolen. It was smashed into kindling, had gasoline poured on it and was lit on fire, while on the porch. There it is, smoking rubble for today's trash removal.
Jesus.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/25/22 03:43 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
My rocking chair wasn't stolen. It was smashed into kindling, had gasoline poured on it and was lit on fire, while on the porch. There it is, smoking rubble for today's trash removal.

There will not be another rocking chair. My parents were married 73 years, together 75. I will not celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary with my love. Heck if I fell in love today I may not even celebrate 25 years with someone.


Was your chair making popcorn too ???

I have a fire extinguisher !!

Oh, nevermind....maybe not....


I think as we get older, we realize that is isn't the amount of time spent....

K and I were together right around 13 years...

And we packed 50 years into them...



Originally Posted by LH
I just literally experienced it this weekend. I sat on a porch with a couple who have been married for 65 years. She has dementia and can't remember a lot, but he remembers everything. He was reminiscing about the old days and can remember me as a toddler. They lived a blessed life with 3 great kids and now several grandchildren. I think that is eveyone's Disney ending. I know it was mine and I felt my rocking chair was stolen. I realize now it's still their it's just empty and time will tell who sits in it with me in the end.


That must have been a beautiful moment....

Gives me inspiration...

It might only be for a few of my remaining years....


Yet to have it...
I haven’t been with anyone for longer than 9 years. Only married 4 of them . The rocking chair was never really there for me. Given my age , Maybe I’ll get a good 20 years. Given my track record, probably not , lol.

Seriously though. What Mach said. He got 50 years into 13. Some will get 5 years into 50.

Quality not quantity , right ? That’s the hope I have left .
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
My rocking chair wasn't stolen. It was smashed into kindling, had gasoline poured on it and was lit on fire, while on the porch. There it is, smoking rubble for today's trash removal.
Jesus.
sorry kids, but I tell the truth.

and you know what? it's ok. it really is. i'd rather throw out the trash than live with the illusion or the ticking time bomb. After something that cataclysmic happens, you change. Your viewpoint on these things becomes forever altered.

there were times in the 26 years of my marriage/relationship which were amazing, and for which I have deep gratitude.

What I'm probably most grateful for is today, being alone and out of that relationship.

Doesn't mean there's no hope for the future; simply means I'm not seeking anything so I'll be pleasantly surprised if something happens someday.

But I absolutely don't want today to be someday. I'm already on overload.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
My rocking chair wasn't stolen. It was smashed into kindling, had gasoline poured on it and was lit on fire, while on the porch. There it is, smoking rubble for today's trash removal.

There will not be another rocking chair. My parents were married 73 years, together 75. I will not celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary with my love. Heck if I fell in love today I may not even celebrate 25 years with someone.


Was your chair making popcorn too ???

My former chair couldn't find a way to make popcorn with a roadmap and a flashlight ... that's why he's got a professional to make it for him these days, lmao
Posted By: LH19 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/25/22 04:59 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
My rocking chair wasn't stolen. It was smashed into kindling, had gasoline poured on it and was lit on fire, while on the porch. There it is, smoking rubble for today's trash removal.
Jesus.
sorry kids, but I tell the truth.

and you know what? it's ok. it really is. i'd rather throw out the trash than live with the illusion or the ticking time bomb. After something that cataclysmic happens, you change. Your viewpoint on these things becomes forever altered.

there were times in the 26 years of my marriage/relationship which were amazing, and for which I have deep gratitude.

What I'm probably most grateful for is today, being alone and out of that relationship.

Doesn't mean there's no hope for the future; simply means I'm not seeking anything so I'll be pleasantly surprised if something happens someday.

But I absolutely don't want today to be someday. I'm already on overload.
BF I get it. I just wish you wouldn't give your exh so much power over your life.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
My rocking chair wasn't stolen. It was smashed into kindling, had gasoline poured on it and was lit on fire, while on the porch. There it is, smoking rubble for today's trash removal.
Jesus.
sorry kids, but I tell the truth.

and you know what? it's ok. it really is. i'd rather throw out the trash than live with the illusion or the ticking time bomb. After something that cataclysmic happens, you change. Your viewpoint on these things becomes forever altered.

there were times in the 26 years of my marriage/relationship which were amazing, and for which I have deep gratitude.

What I'm probably most grateful for is today, being alone and out of that relationship.

Doesn't mean there's no hope for the future; simply means I'm not seeking anything so I'll be pleasantly surprised if something happens someday.

But I absolutely don't want today to be someday. I'm already on overload.
BF I get it. I just wish you wouldn't give your exh so much power over your life.


Here's where I wish we could sit down, the lot of us, around a fire pit or over some iced coffee or adult beverages for those who indulge, and really talk, because tone is lost in the written word.

When I said what I said about the rocking chair, LH, believe me, I am simply telling the truth about what he did. There are ways to leave a marriage that keep respect and dignity on the table and then there are ... other choices. This has zero to do with his affair, or with 2.0/Vista. This is about how he deliberately went out of his way to inflict as much emotional abuse on me as possible during our mediation process and then after our divorce became final. He admitted it, said there was nothing wrong with it, and that anyone who got in the way of his exacting revenge was merely collateral damage. Our son, collateral damage. Kind of hard to misinterpret a statement like that. That's what I mean when I say he gleefully smashed the rocking chair, poured gasoline on it, lit it on fire and danced on the ashes. I'm merely stating a fact, like saying he's over 6' and has hazel eyes.

That statement no longer has the power it had when he first said it. Now, it's just who he is. Maybe it's who he always was. Maybe not. But it's who he's become and that's not someone I want in my sphere.

I'm not putting myself out there as you say, LH, for a lot of other reasons which have nothing to do with getting burned in my marriage. It's a time thing and right now I don't have any time. The really limited free time I do have I'd rather spend with my friends. Of course if I met someone compelling, that could change pretty quickly, but I'm not looking. And Craig Ferguson is very happily married, so ...
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/26/22 12:26 PM
OMG....

Summer cold...

Nose running, head pounding....

Going through Tissues like a teenage boy with 'jailbreak' Firestick....

Pumped full of Vitamins, still in a Nyquil coma..


Need sleep.......................................................................
chicken soup.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/26/22 12:46 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
chicken soup.


Go to sleep in it ?
Posted By: LH19 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/26/22 01:00 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Of course if I met someone compelling, that could change pretty quickly, but I'm not looking.
What does someone compelling look like to you?
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Of course if I met someone compelling, that could change pretty quickly, but I'm not looking.
What does someone compelling look like to you?

I don't think it's going to be like it was with my exh, when I looked up and saw him standing there looking like Prince Valiant, and I felt like I'd been run over by a truck, but hey, I could be wrong. I don't know what God and the Universe have in store for me.

I know your statistical mind wants something concrete. That's not the way this works for me. I know that compelling doesn't fit in a box: it's not something specific or quantifiable like makes $$XX, is YY tall, is ZZage, has a specific eye color.

Rather it is being drawn to that person, and wanting to spend more and more time with him, finding that he comes into my thoughts more often during the time apart, or finding myself wondering what he thinks about this, that or the other.

It takes someone extraordinary for me to fall in love. It's only happened twice. Were there similarities between them? Yes, although not physically. And then there's pheromones - they both smelled intoxicating to me.

I've since met someone who has a lot of those same characteristics and he is a dear friend, but will not ever be more than that to me. Among other things, he doesn't have the smell, lol. And even if he did, being a people pleaser of the hopeless variety is a deal breaker for me. Why? Because those people are rarely honest with themselves or others.
oh and A whose eyes are the most extraordinary shade of aquamarine was truly beautiful to look at but not someone I would ever let my guard down with - too completely nuts.
sigh.

fill up your metal man spa with it and float.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/29/22 02:31 PM
Been thinking a lot lately....

Life has kinda kicked me in the a$$ the past few days. Haven't been feeling well, had a couple other things that have added to that...

Woke the other morning to finding out that K's insurance money hit my account....

I hadn't thought of how that would affect me, or how deeply I would 'feel' that when it happened.

I felt cheap, and dirty with it. Like it was 'blood' money of sorts. When I was younger, material things had always played a part in life. We all want to achieve a certain 'status' that satisfies us to what our standards had been. Or at least the standards that we have been taught they should be, I know that my parents (being of an older generation) had always defined success through material possessions.

Status and material where certainly present during and through the divorce process. My Ex seemed to obsess about money, status, and material things. Yet, somewhere along the line, I had moved past that, and what was important to K and myself, was just the time that we spent together. We seriously could have lived in shack anywhere and been happy together.

In reading the text, I somehow felt that I traded her for money. I know it isn't the case whatsoever, yet it certainly 'felt' that way....those nasty feelings huh ??

What it does do, is to provide a little financial stability so that I can get my feet back under me and not have to worry about some things that were left unfinished in my life....

It will allow me to travel a bit, and do some things that I promised her that I would do. I want to take her home, back to the northeast state where she was from. Hoping to see some friends while I am there, and spend a few extra days doing some things for me.

And I'm finally at a point where I am embracing that this is her, trying to be there for me in the only way that is left. Some financial help , regardless how 'final' it feels. This is the last 'material' thing that she will ever leave me....

I've always been a perspective person, and that life is all about how I see things. So finding my footing took a little time with it. I did have a couple message conversations to help me out. I did message with Mrs. 3 Beans since she had felt this too.... God how I miss the Pirate....

Drew...B-lady....thank you : )

With that, I've been trying to slow things down in my head a bit, trying to see what I want my life to look like moving forward with me. And I still haven't found any answers. The only thing that seems to be coming out is the remnants of this cold....eeeek....

It IS entirely possible, that this affected me more because I've had this cold kicking my as$ too....

For now though, there isn't anything that I HAVE to do today, other than breathe and take another step forward.....





vi et honore



And perhaps a little Dignity, and Grace too..
Posted By: Cadet Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/29/22 04:10 PM
Originally Posted by Mach1
It will allow me to travel a bit, and do some things that I promised her that I would do. I want to take her home, back to the northeast state where she was from. Hoping to see some friends while I am there, and spend a few extra days doing some things for me.
We are here - let us know when it will be.
Posted By: Drew Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 07/29/22 06:34 PM
Originally Posted by Mach1
vi et honore

As you know I went with Virtus y Honos.

And here's to the Pirate!!

Originally Posted by Mach1
And perhaps a little Dignity, and Grace too..

How is our friend Grace? Haven't talked to her in eons ....
yw. no thx necessary. xo
Hey Dude, they let me back in! Mwahahahahahahah

Quote
Woke the other morning to finding out that K's insurance money hit my account....

I hadn't thought of how that would affect me, or how deeply I would 'feel' that when it happened.

I felt cheap, and dirty with it. Like it was 'blood' money of sorts.

I am sorry these feelings about this felt bad, even for the flash of a single thought.

Quote
And I'm finally at a point where I am embracing that this is her, trying to be there for me in the only way that is left. Some financial help , regardless how 'final' it feels. This is the last 'material' thing that she will ever leave me....

Exactly what she did. She had choices about what to do here, and she chose to care for you in the only way left available to her. After all, that's what partners do. While it may be the last "thing" she will leave you, in comparison to all she gave, well...

Do I hear the sound of guilt? I hope not, but it wouldn't be unexpected.

So, how's the breathing going today?
Posted By: Cadet Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/03/22 03:37 PM
Originally Posted by Grace_OM
Hey Dude, they let me back in! Mwahahahahahahah

YAY - perhaps I did not fail in my mission. smile
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/03/22 03:38 PM
Originally Posted by Grace_O
Hey Dude, they let me back in! Mwahahahahahahah

Quote
Woke the other morning to finding out that K's insurance money hit my account....

I hadn't thought of how that would affect me, or how deeply I would 'feel' that when it happened.

I felt cheap, and dirty with it. Like it was 'blood' money of sorts.

I am sorry these feelings about this felt bad, even for the flash of a single thought.

Quote
And I'm finally at a point where I am embracing that this is her, trying to be there for me in the only way that is left. Some financial help , regardless how 'final' it feels. This is the last 'material' thing that she will ever leave me....

Exactly what she did. She had choices about what to do here, and she chose to care for you in the only way left available to her. After all, that's what partners do. While it may be the last "thing" she will leave you, in comparison to all she gave, well...

Do I hear the sound of guilt? I hope not, but it wouldn't be unexpected.

So, how's the breathing going today?


I hear the sound of Rum being poured.....????


Grace with a dirty face !!!

OMG, I have missed you my sweets....




Breathing ? Yea, mostly.

A lot of just 'existing'...


Guilt ? I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel some guilt. Although where that's coming from varies on any given day.

There seem to be so many layers to it....

I smile or laugh, then feel guilty...

I do something for myself....I feel guilty...

I get the money, I feel guilty...

I spend a few $$....what do I feel ? Yep....

I'm pretty sure it's normal, either that or I'm more f'ed up than I thought I was....

Could be both ??

Working through this just takes time I suppose....

And I've had more ups and downs than a VIP pass at a Motley Crue concert....sigh


I'm finally starting to feel better, head isn't stopped up as much...

I'm sure that has had some impact too....



Originally Posted by Grace_O
in comparison to all she gave, well...

Perspective huh ?

You know her...you know me....

You don't know how much that means.....





How are you doing ?

The girls ?

Dogs ??


I think Drew is around somewhere too....lurking in the shadows, waiting to drop his singular word of bulleted advice : )




Rum and smooches my love.....and it is soooooooo good to 'see' you...
Posted By: Cadet Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/03/22 03:43 PM
Originally Posted by Mach1
This is the last 'material' thing that she will ever leave me.....

Maybe - but their will be lots of things that she left us all, that we might even read here, and remember that she wrote them.
Cadet,

The mission was a success. Thank you for your help! grin
Posted By: Drew Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/03/22 05:27 PM
Originally Posted by Mach1
I think Drew is around somewhere too....lurking in the shadows, waiting to drop his singular word of bulleted advice : )

Grace!!!!
Rum, me?? I'm sure it's bad witch o'clock wink

Guilt is a weird one. I was taught (not that it stuck) that guilt was ONLY to be considered and acted upon if I had done something wrong. I know there are a lot of woulda, coulda, shouldas after someone is gone. I have zero doubts you did the best you possibly could in any given moment.

Does that mean you always got it right? Nope. What else can we truly ask of ourselves except to do the best we know how?

Quote
I'm pretty sure it's normal, either that or I'm more f'ed up than I thought I was....

Could be both ??

Well, I'm in the camp of it's normal, BUT we need to tread carefully so that we don't beat ourselves to death with a 6x6 we shouldn't even have in our hands. I kinda like the scenario where K takes that beam and clocks you with it when you DON'T laugh, smile and do for you.

Quote
And I've had more ups and downs than a VIP pass at a Motley Crue concert....sigh
Great reference! LMAO

I am good and I can't complain...but sometimes I still do wink (ah, Joe Walsh). The girls are all growed up and doing well too. We are teaching the doggos to sing (aren't you glad you're not my neighbor??) and they are always a hoot.

I take the rum and smooches and raise you a hug.

And Drew....Hey smile
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/03/22 05:57 PM
Originally Posted by Drew
Originally Posted by Mach1
I think Drew is around somewhere too....lurking in the shadows, waiting to drop his singular word of bulleted advice : )

Grace!!!!


Wordy today ?

: )
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/03/22 06:09 PM
Originally Posted by Grace_OM
I kinda like the scenario where K takes that beam and clocks you with it when you DON'T laugh, smile and do for you.


Okay...I laughed at that...seriously laughed out loud...

Less of a manly snicker, and more like a hearty "what the F is wrong with him" laugh....

And let me see....

NO GUILT !!!


Cause you know it would happen, and she would laugh, telling you about it....




Am I to await the next Three Dog Night ?? Is that what you are getting at ?

Well, minus the one that must have retired by now....

: )

Lets see....

Rum, smooches, hugs, Strength, Honor, Dignity, and now....Grace...


I like it....

Hate the reason...

thank ye arr, matey
Right?!

Good to "see" you Drew smile I do hope all is well in your world.
Quote
Am I to await the next Three Dog Night ?? Is that what you are getting at ?

OMG! You're killing me laugh I just found "Naturally" in my record collection.

Now, we just need a parrot...
Posted By: Drew Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/03/22 06:58 PM
Originally Posted by Grace_OM
Right?!

Good to "see" you Drew smile I do hope all is well in your world.

Grace,

I literally couldn't be better!! And great to hear from you again.

Mach,

I think in her own way, Cat got the band back together, perhaps with the help of a beanstalk climbing Pirate.

Now wouldn't it be something if Eric stumbled in .......
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/03/22 07:02 PM
Originally Posted by Drew
Now wouldn't it be something if Eric stumbled in .......


That would certainly solve the Parrot thing.....


Or would that be a Peacock ??
Drew,

I love that things are going so well smile

Quote
I think in her own way, Cat got the band back together, perhaps with the help of a beanstalk climbing Pirate.

This is beautiful and yes, yes she did.

Quote
Or would that be a Peacock ??

If we're going with a peacock should it be a screamo band? Those things are loud ya know...says the pirate that teaches her dog to "sing" LOL
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/22/22 03:39 PM
Sooo...

Twelve weeks now...

Life has been challenging, strange, yet confusingly quiet.

I feel like I have morphed into 2 different people.

Person 1 is seeing himself pretty clearly, and he can see that there is a future out there somewhere.

When asked, he often answers that he is doing okay, and possibly leaning toward doing great...

When he talks, there is often times a smile, or a laugh. He enjoys what is happening around him, and sees a light off in the distance, with a promise of a future.

What that future holds is still unclear, yet wanting to find out , there is almost an excitement with it.


Person number 2 is still completely lost. He finds himself daydreaming about better days, and the memories come flooding back, finding tears through words, or thoughts. Wondering how the hell he is supposed to do this another day.

The smallest memory will trigger him to break down and wonder why he has to do this, and for what reason....

He feels alone in the world, even in a room full of people...

He finds anger quickly, and reason is non-existent. Often times yelling at the sky for a sign, or a road map of how to get where he needs to be...


I am both of those people at the same time, they each hold a place in my head every day.. often at the same exact time....



The balancing act is...finding where those two meet, and how to reconcile a broken heart after something like this....

The balancing act seems to be finding a reason every day to take a step, be it forward or backward, just as long as there is movement.

Not letting this consume me and drag me down with it...

Grief is ugly, yet the only way to deal with it is through it...one painstaking step at a time...


Truth is, I AM okay, and mostly I am doing pretty well....

Truth is, I miss her...every second of every hour of every day of every month that passes now....

I saw a meme the other day that pretty accurately describes me...



Yesterday I saw your picture and I smiled...


...Today I saw it and cried
.



I have Faith that better days are ahead, just as much as tougher days are ahead....

One day at a time though....with Strength and Honor....


Virtus et honos
Hello my sweet friend. So, I was going to write all the things that one writes...which are true. You are right where are you supposed to be in the grieving process...two steps forward, one back..yada, yada...

But what I really want to say is this...I am so very sorry. I am sorry that you are missing your girl so much. Sorry that you are feeling like 2 people. Sorry that you have to go through this at all.

While I believe that HE has a plan and that all things happen as they are supposed to..it still just svcks. All of it.

I know you..you are impatient with yourself. Expecting to be further along in some ways. Expecting to figure it all out.

I also know that you know it just has to play itself out. It unfolds the way it does. And Cat would be saying..get outta your head some.

Mostly, I wish that you come to have peace in your heart when you are ready. I wish that you have more days of seeing that excitement for what is next. I hope that you aren't too hard on yourself and give yourself the time it deserves to get you where you need to be.

As Brooklyn used to say...the only way to do it..is through it. And you will..I know it. You will do it in your wonderful Mach way..with love and respect and honor.

Love you, sweetie. Always in my thoughts and prayers.
All you have to do today is breathe.
And stop projecting into the future.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/22/22 06:36 PM
Hey Darlin.....


It's been a long road, you and I huh ??

So many freakin twists and turns along the way, and here we sit....still...

You are correct as usual....I have a patience problem...always have...

What really sukcs is that I am consciously trying to slow things down with that, not forcing myself to feel one way or the other, and trying to let things come to me in their time....( WE have a mutual therapist friend that has been instilling that into me, he and his Argentine wife)


The two person thing, it's a strange feeling...

I really am doing well most of the time. I would liken it to smiling through the pain....

A very surreal "fake it till you make it" scenario....

Sigh....

I think we BOTH have had some recent difficult days too....

And he works in strange ways indeed...

I'm gonna send you a 'date' on the calender.....

Hopefully things will work out that I can see you, and see that sweet face of yours....

Keep your chin up, and if you get a chance...

Look for my damned glasses ????

Yep ...that all over again my Darlin....

Love you back.... : )
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/22/22 06:58 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
All you have to do today is breathe.
And stop projecting into the future.


The first part...

I've been practicing at for years apparently....

The second part...

At first I was thinking ....yea...I'm not...

Yet as I follow my DB rules...

I tried to see what you see....

And I am doing that to some degree...

Trying to perhaps rush the stages of grief, and trying to be overly one way or another.

Ain't gonna lie, there is a part of me that just wants this pain to end, and to feel something 'normal' again. Whatever the F that's gonna be....

Thanks B-lady....for letting me see that...

One step at a time.

Be it forward or backward.....

Just not still....




I'm gonna need more popcorn....
Posted By: LH19 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/22/22 07:20 PM
Mach I am sorry you are struggling man. To go through a major loss twice in 15 years is tough for sure. You know what works and what doesn't. Keep pushing through.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/22/22 07:56 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Mach I am sorry you are struggling man. To go through a major loss twice in 15 years is tough for sure. You know what works and what doesn't. Keep pushing through.


Thanks LH...

I have moments where I struggle greatly...

And I have moments where I don't...

I'm typically pretty good....and then something triggers, and all hell breaks loose...

I lost her on a Monday, so Mondays seem to be 'trigger' days for me, although they are getting better.

Where there were tears, now I can almost smile...being thankful that I had her rather than pain that I don't now...


It's funny that you mention two losses in 15 years...

I haven't thought about my Ex and what I went through with her for a long time now. And I still don't.

It's been a long time....and once I forgave her, my old situation held no power over me, same with my Ex.

She hasn't had any power over me for years....

I'm actually thankful for what I went through with her, and have been for a while.

All the roads that I took led me to the life I had with K, and I am extremely grateful of that, and for that...


So to see it as a loss now, I can't say that I do...

If I could somehow let you see my memories, I think you would agree...

Thanks again ....


How are things with you ?

You've been un-characteristically quiet ...

You posted something on DnJ's thread and I thought...

Wow, that was a really well thought out, intelligent post....

Who stole his login ?

: )

Strength and Honor my friend....
Posted By: LH19 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/22/22 08:12 PM
Originally Posted by Mach1
How are things with you ?

You've been un-characteristically quiet ...

You posted something on DnJ's thread and I thought...

Wow, that was a really well thought out, intelligent post....

Who stole his login ?

: )

LOL. I was on vacation.....

I am slowly learning....

To ask questions to.....

Bring them to their own conclusions...

Opposed to forcing LHs will on them.....

Wax on wax off lol..........

Strength in numbers lol.......
I’m sorry you are struggling as well. You really are coming along though and processing your grief which is a very healthy thing. I think everyone tries to rush their grief at some point with a big loss. I think grief is one of the hardest processes and emotions that exists. No linear to path either. But you do a great job of honoring her and yourself and you just can’t do much better than that.

LH is getting laid now so he is all touchy feely. I am not, so I just let loose. Seriously though, with certain people my filter just comes off…….
Sorry you're struggling with your loss, Mach1.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/23/22 11:16 AM
I have to watch myself. I’ve had a 911 call against me on here saying I’m a bully. Just tying a different approach.
Posted By: DonH Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/23/22 02:44 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
LOL. I was on vacation.....

I am slowly learning....

To ask questions to.....

Bring them to their own conclusions...

Opposed to forcing LHs will on them.....

Wax on wax off lol..........

Strength in numbers lol.......

LMAO - I see what you did there. smile
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/23/22 03:08 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m sorry you are struggling as well. You really are coming along though and processing your grief which is a very healthy thing. I think everyone tries to rush their grief at some point with a big loss. I think grief is one of the hardest processes and emotions that exists. No linear to path either. But you do a great job of honoring her and yourself and you just can’t do much better than that.

Thanks G...

Honoring her has taken on a few different levels as time has passed.

I do feel that the level I am at now (or at least working toward) is where I need to be...

And that is trying to live my life best way I can, and just do the best that I can everyday.

It is, by far, the hardest thing I have faced. It's in my face every minute, that she is gone.

Yet somehow, I manage to get out of bed, feed the Dog and her Kitty every morning and keep moving.

I have thought about what my vows to her meant, even though we never did the 'legal' piece of paper. We said our vows to each other in private, we lived our vows in public, and our vows were evident in the way that we loved each other and lived our lives....

The one that sticks out the most, was that I would live those vows, and love her until the day that "I" died, not when she did...

A story that I had heard years ago always was in the back of my mind when I thought of love, and relationships. And what they meant to me.

An old man used to visit his wife everyday after she had been placed in a nursing home, after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

After about a year, the man was sitting outside on a bench waiting for is bus to venture home, and encountered a person that asked him ..

"Why do you visit everyday, when she doesn't even know you are here ?"

And the man looked them and said...

"She might not, but I do"




Some days are harder than others...Some days are better...

Yet, as I've said before, most days I am actually doing fairly well...

So far, today is good...



Originally Posted by Ginger1
LH is getting laid now so he is all touchy feely. I am not, so I just let loose. Seriously though, with certain people my filter just comes off…….

Yea....I don't even want to know anything about that....

: )



Originally Posted by traveler
Sorry you're struggling with your loss, Mach1.

Thank you


Originally Posted by LH
I have to watch myself. I’ve had a 911 call against me on here saying I’m a bully. Just tying a different approach.


New and improved LH ?

Like now with Zero calories ??
Hi Mach1,

Grief does suck. Loss [censored]. But your loving words about K show that the gifts of your time together were large, and that is something wonderful. And your grief reflects the love you have for her. So, don’t rush it. Hold it, embrace it, and find a place to put it inside of you so that you can move forward with it. Because I don’t think grief ever leaves us, but it does get easier to walk forward with.

Hugs, El
Hey Moonshine,

It's good to hear that you can be thankful for her and almost smile. These memories will eventually let you talk story and in my world, that's how we honor those we love. Besides, you have a knack for the story wink

I know, you know, that through the pain is the only way you'll be able to find all the joy in those memories. If talking story helps, you have the floor. (((((Hugs)))))
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
All you have to do today is breathe.
And stop projecting into the future.


The first part...

I've been practicing at for years apparently....
Have you? Practicing breathing deeply, waiting a moment, then breathing out slowly to a count of 6, then again to a count of 8, 10, 12?

that kind of breathing?

I'm not sure I believe you.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/24/22 11:33 AM
Originally Posted by Elbereth
Hi Mach1,

Grief does suck. Loss [censored]. But your loving words about K show that the gifts of your time together were large, and that is something wonderful. And your grief reflects the love you have for her. So, don’t rush it. Hold it, embrace it, and find a place to put it inside of you so that you can move forward with it. Because I don’t think grief ever leaves us, but it does get easier to walk forward with.

Hugs, El

Hey E...

Thank you so much....

That's what I'm tryin to do ...

Just to feel everything, regardless where it takes me...

I didn't hide my love, therefore I'm not gonna hide my grief...

Hope things are well with you, and thanks for the hugs....
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/24/22 12:34 PM
Originally Posted by Grace_OM
Hey Moonshine,

It's good to hear that you can be thankful for her and almost smile. These memories will eventually let you talk story and in my world, that's how we honor those we love. Besides, you have a knack for the story wink

I know, you know, that through the pain is the only way you'll be able to find all the joy in those memories. If talking story helps, you have the floor. (((((Hugs)))))


Hey there yourself Sunshine !!!

Stories are getting there, smiles are getting there, just a loooooong road. And as it was so eloquently pointed out to me recently....

I have always had a small bit of a patience problem....

And dammmm....reading back through all of this, it sounds as if I am really pathetic with it all. And while there are times when I am, they aren't as common now as they have been. You know me, and when I journal, it is pure feelings and emotions. One of the reasons that I started the thread, was to have an outlet to get that out. IRL, I am not typically that way. My Appalachian heritage had always ingrained into me about burying feelings and suppressing emotion. One of my things I fought hard for with the fight for self several years ago.

Now, I just type straight from the heart to my fingers, remove the brain ( which has never been such a challenge), and just lay it all out there....

Good, Bad, Indifferent....it's all in there....

Stories may have to wait a bit.....They are still finding room in my head....

Hugs back sweetness....(((smooches)))

: )
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/24/22 12:44 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
All you have to do today is breathe.
And stop projecting into the future.


The first part...

I've been practicing at for years apparently....
Have you? Practicing breathing deeply, waiting a moment, then breathing out slowly to a count of 6, then again to a count of 8, 10, 12?

that kind of breathing?

I'm not sure I believe you.


Well, I didn't know you were gonna get all specific with it : P


So yea, prolly not that, all the time....


I will say, that ^^^ has gotten (me, us, her) through some tough times, and I highly recommend it...

Thank you for the reminder B-lady.....muchly appreciated....

: )
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
All you have to do today is breathe.
And stop projecting into the future.


The first part...

I've been practicing at for years apparently....
Have you? Practicing breathing deeply, waiting a moment, then breathing out slowly to a count of 6, then again to a count of 8, 10, 12?

that kind of breathing?

I'm not sure I believe you.


Well, I didn't know you were gonna get all specific with it : P

Well, there's breathing ... and then there's breathing -- the healing kind, that goes deep into your lungs, bringing oxygen to all your cells, calming body, mind and spirit.

Originally Posted by Mach1
So yea, prolly not that, all the time....
quelle surprise!

Originally Posted by Mach1
I will say, that ^^^ has gotten (me, us, her) through some tough times, and I highly recommend it...

Thank you for the reminder B-lady.....muchly appreciated....

: )

you're welcome.
Quote
I have always had a small bit of a patience problem....


Also, this somehow seems to fit wink "Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears." ~Barbara Johnson

One of the nice things about journaling, is being able to get that energy out in front of you so you can look at it and evaluate whether the thoughts are something you actually believe and if they are serving you in your quest, whatever that may be. To do that requires the good, the bad and the ugly...yes, yes I went there (did you just hear Morricone too?)

Feelings are hard period and given your story, all the more so. That you recognize the burying of emotion and have pulled out the shovel is really quite a feat. I am familiar with that mindset and the distance you have come is truly commendable. Sometimes we just can see it when we're right on top of it.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/25/22 03:59 PM
Originally Posted by Grace_OM
Quote
I have always had a small bit of a patience problem....


Also, this somehow seems to fit wink "Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears." ~Barbara Johnson

One of the nice things about journaling, is being able to get that energy out in front of you so you can look at it and evaluate whether the thoughts are something you actually believe and if they are serving you in your quest, whatever that may be. To do that requires the good, the bad and the ugly...yes, yes I went there (did you just hear Morricone too?)

Feelings are hard period and given your story, all the more so. That you recognize the burying of emotion and have pulled out the shovel is really quite a feat. I am familiar with that mindset and the distance you have come is truly commendable. Sometimes we just can see it when we're right on top of it.



Patience ???

How long is that gonna take ???

Sigh...

Seriously though..

I fought hard a few years ago to not let my culture and upbringing rule me anymore.

And you know how hard of a road that was for me.

I still have a very hard time of not crawling inside of myself and hiding. So to attempt to lay myself out there open and vulnerable is something that has become easier over the years, yet I fight that urge a lot.

So I force myself to put it out there. Some days it's easier than others, some days it's harder. I assume you can tell the difference.

Just look at my posts, and if it says " nothing today" , well, that pretty much sums it up...


And thanks.....now I can't get that dammed whistle out of my head ....

: )
Posted By: Cadet Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 08/25/22 08:34 PM
We still love you and are looking forward to seeing you in October!!!


(((((HUGS)))))
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 09/09/22 03:29 PM
Originally Posted by Cadet
We still love you and are looking forward to seeing you in October!!!


(((((HUGS)))))


If you can remove the sexual overtones in that, then I am looking forward as well...

: )


Geesh....It's been a minute...


I've had a lot of up and down moments the past few weeks. I'm starting to smile a little easier, and beginning to actually enjoy some things that I hadn't' exactly enjoyed since she passed.

I spent a chunk of last weekend visiting a cousin about 6 hours from here. It gave me a lot of time to think about things (which obviously I needed).....It was a much needed break from things. I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time.

I thought about the patience thing, and allowing my expectations of what I thought might happen rule how I actually feel about it, before it even happens.

So I decided to just allow things to come to me, and to start letting other things go. I'm typically fairly laid back, so I thought I was already doing that. I can see how I let some old behaviors creep back into my thought patterns after really accessing the situations....

I've had to deal with her Father a bit lately about a celebration of life for her back in her home state. He is a (hopefully) former alcoholic, and the past few months have been the first time he has peeked outside a bottle in about 40 years. His memory isn't there, and only cherry picks what he wants to see and remember. Putting everything together for HER is still about him. I eventually told him to do what he needs to do, and I will either be there, or I won't.

Maybe dealing with this is a gift to me, to show me that I need to let everything that isn't important go, and focus on what I truly need to focus on. I've always felt that we are given the exact problems in life that we needed to 'fix' ourselves. And when we stop noticing them and recognizing them is when we are truly F'ed. The lies that we tell ourselves are far worse than the lies from others.

Coincidence certainly appears to be God's way of staying anonymous...


I told a friend a couple weeks ago that I felt like I was both sides of a wooden Nickel....

On one side I was excited that I had a Nickel, then on the other side, it feels like a false excitement, and reality isn't what it appears to be..

So I'm trying to just focus on what is positive for now, and evaluating everything that is bad and trying to let it all go.



Speaking of positive, I received a call last night from an old friend that I hadn't talked to in a while. I had actually met him through here, he is an older poster. We have messaged each other since K passed, just hadn't talked.

Anywoo...

He told me that he wanted to reach out because he wanted me to know how much I meant to him, and where he is in life now. And that I saved him, saved his life. That he wouldn't be where he is now, or even be at all, if it weren't for me. Truth is, I completely understand that. I think back to all of the people that I feel that way about, and about what kind of relationship I have with them now, and obviously wonder how many other people feel the same way as he does. Not in a gloating kind of way, just that we may never know how our words and advice affect others. Even people that have never posted here, and only lurk while reading other stories.

I feel honored that I could play a part in his life, much that same that I feel honored that I was important enough as a person, when others reached back for me. It's the reason that I've always felt compelled to come back and post as much as I have when I can find the words....these boards mean that much to who I am, and the people that I have had the pleasure to meet.

Soooo...Dippy/Beginners/Brooklyn/Brookie....

You are right, and have always been right, I just needed the reminder....

Things come to you when you are ready for them, ready to deal with them and the after effects of it all....

It's about doing the work to prepare yourself when those moments come...

And the only way to do it , is through it....


Most days I am doing well. I have good days with moments of bad, and I have bad days with moments of good, with the good days starting to become a larger number.

I miss her, everything about her, and that will possibly never change. It's the accepting that , and finding how that plays into everything else, that will eventually become my greatest obstacle.

Essentially , how to live my life while missing her....how to possibly have another relationship while missing her.

All of those things will eventually add up, and make some sort of sense to me. However, I don't feel that today is going to be that day.

Today, the goal is to simply try to be better than yesterday.
Posted By: Drew Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 09/09/22 05:15 PM
Mach1,

As our buddy used to tell us:

Today is not the day I quit.

Tomorrow might be .....

But not today.

As always, Strength and Honor my friend.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 09/09/22 08:39 PM
Definitely no sexual overtones. smile

I am glad today is better than yesterday.

One step forward then maybe one step back, you are going to be OK.

I have the calendar blocked off, let us know if you need us to do anything.
Most days of doing good with some bad mixed in from time to time is honestly as well as anyone can do. Nothing is linear, nothing is always good. Nothing is always bad.

Having another relationship while missing her…… you’ll know how that works when you get there. I’m sure it is really hard to fathom now and there is no need.

I know you are trying not to climb into yourself and you are doing a great job of that. But have you considered a bereavement group? As you know from these boards, sometimes it’s just helpful and healing to find others who have actually lived what you are experiencing. Just a suggestion.

You sure have helped a lot of people through this forum. You’ve made some lasting friendships that have shaped people and even saved them. It’s a reason to gloat, lol. I’m one of those people you have really helped. I don’t know that my growth would have been what it is without the friendship and wisdom of some people on here, you included. I’m so grateful for it.

I am working on making that weekend work. I believe I can, even if for the day. I’ll be in touch. The good news is I’m not working that weekend in person anywhere. I just need to be reachable. I think G is with her dad .

I’ve lost my mother at a young at age, but you know how that R was.
I’ve never lost someone I wholly loved and who wholly loved me. But I have spoken to many who have in my line of work. And they all say it. That special love was a gift, and while they miss that person more than anyone could imagine. They are blessed to have experienced a love like that. And I know you live every day knowing you were loved and loved back fiercely
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 09/20/22 08:35 PM
It's been a strange week, which oddly seems to be the new normal in my life..

A week ago last Monday, was one of the roughest days I've had since she passed. I could not get everything out of my head, and by mid-day, I kinda had a meltdown of emotion washing through me.

It lasted a few hours and toward afternoon, I felt a sort of peace come over me. I can only assume that it was a release of sorts, everything leaving my head, and letting go of some things. I've been in that place since then...feeling some peace and relief with my new arrangement in life.

I have no clue what started things, or why they lasted as they did. It wasn't one thing in particular, more of a culmination of things all balled together that just let loose.

As the week went on, there were a couple things that popped up, and everything just 'felt' different. The way I heard things, the way I saw things, and certainly the way I dealt with things.

Everything with her Father came to a head shortly before the weekend. He had been in the hospital for a few days and got word that he has cancer now. His anxiety over her celebration, combined with this new news has me wondering if he is drinking again, which is entirely possible considering that he has no support system in place for his recovery. There have been no steps taken, and he isolates himself for days at a time.

I ask myself what would K do, or how would she want me to handle this situation for her. I feel that first off, she would tell me to walk away from anything that could possibly cause me to loose myself in the process. And she would ask me to help when I can, if I can without any major sacrifice of myself. She would verbalize that she appreciated everything that I did, and then her actions later would reaffirm that she did : )

She, on the other hand, would have been on the first flight out of town, and would be in charge of the Oncology ward by now....anyone that knows her certainly knows what I am talking about....that ferocity of hers....and as fierce as she was, even she had limits when it came to her family. She knew when to walk away from things. Typically just after she had whipped them into order... : )

I did have to lay a couple boundaries with him. We have opposite communication styles, and if he avoids me, then so be it. However, I had missed a call from him and he felt it necessary to berate me in text. Needless to say, that didn't end well for him. Number 1 and 2, well, this is supposed to be a PG rated forum.....Number 3 on my list was...Don't ever mistake my kindness for a weakness...



I seem to be sinking into "routine" once again. Life seems to just be there, so I am finding that I have to occasionally put myself out there, and force myself to 'do' things, even if I don't feel like doing them. I went to a Cider festival Saturday....sigh. Too hot, too unorganized, too many people there. I did find a couple that I liked though...

So things are moving along steadily for now. A couple more weeks until her service, which undoubtedly will be bittersweet. I am looking forward to meeting a lot of her family for the first time, and spending some time doing some things for me. I am going to do my own private thing, with just me and her on that Tuesday, which is our unofficial anniversary. One last goodbye to her on her earthly level. Pretty sure I am gonna spend Mon and Tues with our own tutu wearing freakin' Rican. I hope so.

There will be several people from here that I hope to spend some time with actually...

It will be interesting to see if my new small level of peace continues through that. I almost expect a fallback of sorts to gain another step forward. Just can't get caught up in predicting future feelings.

I have some trigger days coming ahead of me too. so keeping those at bay may be difficult, or not.

I remember the words of the Pirate (ironically speaking) who once told me that trigger days are just regular days that WE place expectations on.....yea....well FU Fenn....you are the trigger.... : )




G, I did a couple things with bereavement services. It was laughable at the level that they participate in it. I had signed up for a couple services during the hospice intake, and when I finally heard from them over a month after she passed...well...

I have been thinking about doing some IC though. Just to work through things in my head...

Time will tell where I land with this....

For now though...I'm 'okay'...

Seems a safe enough word to describe me.....



As always........Strength and Honor
Posted By: job Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 09/20/22 09:01 PM
Take each day as it comes and do not try to look too far into the future. Grief is a beast. Sometimes you feel great and then something will set you back and you are at the anger stage once again. Work through those feelings that come up. Trying to go around them will only make them return once again and bite you in the rear unexpectedly.

IC would be a good start to just kind of sort things out a bit and to actually have someone to talk to. Do not be afraid to ask for help or for someone to just listen. Talking through some of the feelings will help you.

As for her father, if the situation is a bit much at this time, then step away for the day or even a few days. He has to deal with his health crisis and the loss of his daughter in his own way. You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else.

But most importantly, be patient with yourself. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to take out your frustration, then beat the heck out of a pillow or go to the gym and work up a sweat. There will be times when you will sit quietly and the answers will come...but do not stay in one place too long. As you work through the grieving process, you will find yourself starting to smile again, listening to music and doing the things that you have loved doing for many years. Just know, she will always be in your heart and she is never far away in your memory.

One step at a time, one day at a time. Patience is the key.
with my mom, hospice was great; their bereavement services were sub-par. it's ok. the lady made the effort, but ... it just didn't really ... felt more pro forma than genuine.

IC is always worth pursuing, especially if you have a goal in mind. In my experience that kept things on target when I was dealing with being responsible for elder family members (not mom and dad - I had a starter set twenty years before).

is patience a four letter word for you?

again, all you have to do is keep breathing, keep showing up. I'm pretty sure she'd tell you she's proud of how you've done so far.
It’s certainly evident her spirit drives you forward and she’s living within you.

IC is never a bad thing. I think it’s a great idea. Hell, I think everyone should be in IC.

Also, lately, I started sorting the jumbled thoughts in my head onto paper. Even if it’s just the things I want to accomplish now near future or far future or just what is stressing me out , I write it down and organize it. Might help sort through some of your thoughts.

Doing Ok is doing pretty good in my book.

Keep on keepin’ on. And I’ll see you soon
Posted By: Cadet Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 09/21/22 03:49 PM
Originally Posted by Mach1
Pretty sure I am gonna spend Mon and Tues with our own tutu wearing freakin' Rican. I hope so.
me too
Originally Posted by Mach1
There will be several people from here that I hope to spend some time with actually...
Yes you will
Hey you. So. ..unworthy would say keep busy, keep moving forward, it's a marathon not a race..and all of that is true.. Your. Friend, D, is going to say.. "you need to have freakin patience with yourself. Because I can read between the lines cuz I know you. And you are wanting to be further along. STOP that.

This unfolds as it does..twists. and turns and backwards and forwards and upside down. The only way to do it is through it.

Will see you soon. So sad I won't be able to see the tutu guy..but looking forward to seeing you and the others.

Love u.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 09/21/22 09:04 PM
Originally Posted by Cadet
Originally Posted by Mach1
Pretty sure I am gonna spend Mon and Tues with our own tutu wearing freakin' Rican. I hope so.

me too

Unconfirmed reports are saying that he has settled down a bit. Possibly even wearing drawers under his Tutu...

Probably Batman underoos.....none the less....anything should be better than his "free range' days...



Originally Posted by UR darlin
Hey you. So. ..uRworthy would say keep busy, keep moving forward, it's a marathon not a race..and all of that is true.. Your. Friend, D, is going to say.. "you need to have freakin patience with yourself. Because I can read between the lines cuz I know you. And you are wanting to be further along. STOP that.


I love you both dearly Darlin.....so I'm gonna try this on for size...

You see me perhaps clearer than I see myself at times...so if you are seeing it, then there is truth in there.

Here's the part where I say otherwise, and then you can come back and tell me that I'm full of it : )


I don't feel that I am rushing anything, yet it is entirely possible that I am. This thing coming up, has spiraled completely out of control, so I stopped trying to control it. I've stepped back and washed my hands of almost all of it. and I'm at the point where I just want it to be over already.

The bittersweet part is that I get to see y'all, yet the reason is 50 shades of F'ed up....

Her Father is driving me insane about it, and although I have set , and will continue to set boundaries with him, I feel that I need to draw some really hard ones. I'm kind of waiting until after her service to see what happens then. If my sanity lasts that long. Maybe that's where my impatience is lurking...just ready to be done dealing with him about this.

I'm aware that I can be done at any time. I just know that IF this gets F'ed up in any way, it will feel a disservice to her. So there is a part of me that feels that I have to stay involved, and it feels so passive aggressive at times, manipulative even. THAT is the part of me that I am sacrificing for this, for her. She would tell me that Funerals are for the living, and to back away, and she doesn't need this to happen. And dammit, I know she's right cause she is on my shoulder screaming it at me. Although I know that she is the only one in her family that could see it that way, except her Son. So maybe it's the anxiety over the perception, and showing her family how deep my love for their K is, that is making me crazy and impatient......when all that truly matters is how I feel, and how I love her.....



Sigh...that ^^ just snapped in my head...



There is some excitement to being there, and maybe there is some impatience in that also. Once there and the ceremonial part is done, THAT is the part that I want to last for way longer than it will...

Focus on what's important....huh ?


Okay....your turn Darlin

Love you lots....
I’m not going to get a chance to see Batman either.

I do hate that we are getting together under these circumstances. But I can’t wait to see you and honor her
G....wish it was under different circumstances..but so glad I will get to see you.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 10/26/22 04:57 PM
It's been a while...

A lot has happened , yet nothing has really happened.

We had K's service up north earlier this month. It was a mixed bag of tricks. Her Father completely tried to take over the weekend, boundaries had to be put in place, and in the end ? It was a beautiful service and memorial for her in a place that she absolutely loved. Her spirit was with me and everyone that was there to support me. Thank you to ALL that were there either with me, or merely in spirit with me.

Coming home on Thursday was hard, dealing with the somewhat finality of things, and fulfilling my promise to her, it seemed so final, yet I felt an almost peace from within. Like for the first time since she passed, I was able to breath, and know without a doubt that I was going to be okay.

Friday morning was actually a good morning even though I went back to work. I got a call around noon , from my step-sister, that my Father wasn't doing well. I had tried calling him several times over the past couple weeks and just thought that I had terrible timing, when in actuality, he and my Step-Mother had been living with my step-sister. Her and I have a not so great history together even though we have been "siblings" for over 40 years now. It was an almost scolding call , to "inform" me that his care nurse had recommended that he go on Hospice. So I was back out the door in a week to head to the mountains to see him. I had a talk with the universe and told it that if it was best for him to hang on until I got there, then I would be thankful. If it were best for him to leave before I got there, then I wanted was was best for him.

I've spent the past several years having to make peace with the fact that when I left there, it could possibly be the last time I got to hug him goodbye, and see him with my own eyes. It hasn't been easy, yet I seem to find that within myself every damned time. It is the price that I have paid for raising my children and living my life in an area that had good schools, and jobs that paid over minimum wage, where not only I , but they had a chance to have a normal life. There, you either have a job in the mines, or a chemical plant, and the rest are minimum wage. It took years to be able to embrace my heritage and celebrate that I was from there without it looking like I was better than everyone else for leaving. Because I am not...I am just different, and have made different choices in my life that have allowed for a different path.

Many of the things that were ingrained into me culturally, were the very things that I fought against in my "fight for self" several years ago. Something that apparently hasn't been lost on my Son or Daughter. My Son made the 6 hour drive with me, and we talked about a lot of stuff from his past, and the process of DBing, and my "fight". It was more about where he is now as a young man trying to find himself. He is almost 22 now, and was 8 when all of this started. A LOT about his relationship with his Mother and her Partner, how he feels/felt about things. It was incredibly insightful and I listened and was supportive of him. He feels like he has no relationship with her, and merely tolerates him. That she isn't capable of anything deep and meaningful in her life, and only can emotionally handle something superficial in her life, and that includes he and his Sister. I told him that it was something that only he can talk through with her, and even if it failed, he had made the effort.

He told me that his Sister feels exactly the same, yet her and I go through strained periods of our relationship. Mostly because she struggles so hard to have that with her Mother, and the bottom line is, when they are doing okay (albeit superficially) then she gives all of her effort there, and I tend to fall away. It is a strange dynamic for sure.

My Father passed this past Thursday afternoon, a day before I got there to see him. He and I have had an amazing relationship over the past 25 years or so. There is nothing unsaid between us. There has been forgiveness, healing, tears, laughs, and a bond that will last me for the rest of my lifetime. I have zero regrets or guilt over our relationship. He went through periods of our life where he was an amazing Father for me, and he was human, so we each had not so shining moments together. I am thankful most for those times, because the love was always there, and they guided us to the later relationship that we shared. My last words to him were that I couldn't have asked for a better Father for me, and I am proud to call him my Dad....

83, warm in bed, his wife of 40 years by his side....When it's my time, I feel like that's the way to go...

Family dynamics have been proving tougher for me. The most difficult is becoming the promise that I made to my Father that I would make sure that my step-Mother was taken care of. The dynamics between my sisters is going to be what it is.

Every time I return from there, I feel as if there is some "baggage" that I need to unpack from my past. And that is where I find myself . Trying to sort through everything that I am compared to who I was when I lived there. I had spent most of my time there feeling like I was an outsider, and merely there for cosmetic reasons, and to support everyone else around me. I hadn't wanted to create any drama, yet eventually, I came to a point where I broke away from things and did what I had to do while I was there. Nobody had been to their house since his Hospice intake, and they didn't want anyone to go there just yet. Not an easy feeling being kept away from the home I grew up in. I felt as if it was their way of "running" from the emotion of everything. I know that every one deals with grief in their own way, yet I felt as if I was respectful of them, and nobody was respecting me. I've come accustomed to it over the years, and found my way of dealing with it. I spent about an hour on their front porch, and my Father and I had one last good talk....

Sometimes it is possible that I expect the same level of emotional maturity in return to what I try to give. And just possibly, they simply aren't capable of giving it back. I have to accept that...

I did get a warm message from my Ex last week. Saying that she is sorry for the crappy year that I've had. Just a simple reply that I appreciated it, and it meant a lot.

IF you made it this far, you win a puppy...Just typing most of that allows me to see where I am, and possibly where I am headed to.

Thanks to G, UR, B-lady, Rich63 (and the latino K) and Cadet( and the other) for being there for K's service and holding me up when I needed it. I always part wishing that we had more time to spend together. I did get to spend some time with the Tutu wearin Batman. My time there was special fior various reasons, and pretty crappy for various reasons. I think though, that is just what life is. Moments of crappy and moments of special. I kind of like that I can tell the difference most days. : )
Posted By: BL42 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 10/26/22 05:08 PM
Mach1,

Very sorry to hear about your dad's passing, but what a wonderful set of last words you got to say to him and glad you're at peace with it. It must be very difficult to lose two people so important in your life in a single year. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 10/26/22 05:58 PM
Mach sorry for your loss.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 10/26/22 08:50 PM
My condolences Mach.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 10/26/22 08:53 PM
Originally Posted by BL42
Mach1,

Very sorry to hear about your dad's passing, but what a wonderful set of last words you got to say to him and glad you're at peace with it. It must be very difficult to lose two people so important in your life in a single year. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

Thanks B..means a lot....Same with you LH. I know I give you schidt a lot...

I do respect you guys and the path that you are walking....

D.....nice to have you back...
I was honored to hold space for you my friend, and to offer whatever help I could. I'm so sorry you've lost your dad. You need a do-over year, or at the very least a better 2023.

As always, you know where to find me.

xo
Condolences and prayers to you Mach1
You have endured so much , you are an inspiration to all..
Hey there.

You're really having a go aren't you?

My condolences for your Dad. How amazing and special that the things that are important were openly shared. I can only imagine his sense of pride at your choices to do better for yourself and your kids. Raising a child to be a good person and make their own way in the world... smile

Quote
He feels like he has no relationship with her, and merely tolerates him. That she isn't capable of anything deep and meaningful in her life, and only can emotionally handle something superficial in her life, and that includes he and his Sister. I told him that it was something that only he can talk through with her, and even if it failed, he had made the effort.

He told me that his Sister feels exactly the same, yet her and I go through strained periods of our relationship. Mostly because she struggles so hard to have that with her Mother, and the bottom line is, when they are doing okay (albeit superficially) then she gives all of her effort there, and I tend to fall away. It is a strange dynamic for sure.

Your son could make the effort and he could decide it isn't worth the effort to him. That's a hard pill to swallow, but it is possible. I imagine there is a lot of pain involved in feeling like your Mom, only tolerates you. No disrespect intended.

I've been told, I was the "safe" one and I think you are too. The one that is steadfast and available. Because of that we can be left to the side a bit because they know we'll be there.The effort being spent in trying to forge something with her Mom, might feel overwhelming.

Quote
The most difficult is becoming the promise that I made to my Father that I would make sure that my step-Mother was taken care of.

Do you know what this looks like? Are there very specific things or more interpretive? Are you able to and take care of yourself? I know you're awesome, but you gotta put your oxygen mask on first.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 10/28/22 03:15 PM
B-lady...thank you ...

39 behind me. thank you also...


Originally Posted by Grace_OM
Hey there.

You're really having a go aren't you?

My condolences for your Dad. How amazing and special that the things that are important were openly shared. I can only imagine his sense of pride at your choices to do better for yourself and your kids. Raising a child to be a good person and make their own way in the world... smile

I'm tired Gracie my dear....It's been a loooooooong year so far. 2022 can go F itself....

And thank you.....and for far more than condolences...


That certainly wasn't always the case for our relationship. He didn't understand and only wanted me to live closer for a long time. It's one of the "for worse" times that we went through. My future wasn't working the way that he had planned it out to be. I packed everything that I owned into my car when I was 19, and moved 6 hours from "home" to be where I am today. ( and not just my location on a map ) And I'm sure that there was a longing for me to live the life that he had lived. Dinner once a week, Saturdays hunting or fishing, and football Sundays. Other than his military service, he had lived his life within a 10 mile square. I think that our biggest obstacle was that the pain over me moving became too great for him, and it became easier for him to distance himself from me to avoid the pain. I thank God that neither of us gave up though. We kept fighting through it, and over time, we worked through it, and I think that he eventually saw that I had built a better life for myself and his Grandchildren than they could have ever had being there. He had told me that he was proud of what I did, and that I had done the right thing even if he didn't understand or like it at the time.


Originally Posted by Grace_OM
Your son could make the effort and he could decide it isn't worth the effort to him. That's a hard pill to swallow, but it is possible. I imagine there is a lot of pain involved in feeling like your Mom, only tolerates you. No disrespect intended.

I've been told, I was the "safe" one and I think you are too. The one that is steadfast and available. Because of that we can be left to the side a bit because they know we'll be there. The effort being spent in trying to forge something with her Mom, might feel overwhelming.


You and I have had the "safe parent" conversation numerous times, and we agree completely on that. I have always been the safe parent. So I saw (as did you) all of their anger over the years. That's what made our conversation even more powerful for me.

I dunno, It's hard for me to hear some of it. As much as I wanted to gloat for what I did, I feel horribly for them, and the hill that they have to climb to get where they should have been. I told him that all he could do was to give the effort until he felt that he was sacrificing himself for it, then re-evaluate it and see where he was then. That it's gonna take a lot of work to get through it by BOTH of them. And it's okay to put a pin in it if the timing wasn't working, or if he needed to recharge a bit. Yet it has to be between them. I didn't help break it, so therefore I cannot help fix it.

Also that he was going to have to do the lions share of the work starting out. Because she is oblivious to the damage that has been done in their relationship.


Originally Posted by Grace_OM
Do you know what this looks like? Are there very specific things or more interpretive? Are you able to and take care of yourself? I know you're awesome, but you gotta put your oxygen mask on first.


I think that it's much like what advice I gave my Son...

In reality, I really have zero clue what that looks like, and I think it will ebb and flow and morph into it's own entity over time. I know that I am nowhere even close to dealing with this on the level that I should be dealing with it. It's almost like I am "stacking" grief up in a corner until I am ready to deal with it. I know that isn't healthy, yet I don't know of any other way through this at the moment.

I did join a couple grief groups, and no offense to any of them, I'm not sure that I couldn't lead them. Call me crazy, yet if I am the one supporting and offering ways to go through this, then when is it my turn to grieve ?

I do know that supporting my Step Mother doesn't mean supporting her AND my sisters. I feel like she is being "handled" by them, and I'm not gonna get much of a chance to just talk with her until some of this falls away. Things have a way of working out the way they are supposed to most of the time, and sometimes it isn't the way I want them to. (those damned expectations right? )

So I think that my oxygen mask looks like me getting through losing K, and being there to check in occasionally. Being there if she decides to reach out, and letting the rest fall where it may. I really don't have a problem walking away from it all if it becomes too much, or the drama meter goes to full.

Yesterday was a pretty crappy day all around. One week since my Father passed, the anniversary of losing J3B, it is also the day that K moved here back in 2011 so that we could start our life together. On top of it being a Thursday......sigh

A lot of stuff to sort out for sure....yet oddly enough, I don't feel like I am overwhelmed right now. I had a few moments yesterday, had a short message exchange with Jeff's wife, and took a step. I don't think that forward or backward matters right now, as long as it's a step.


New thread coming to a theatre near you soon....check back for video preview....
Posted By: Mach1 Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally - 10/28/22 06:47 PM
Lock this joker up...


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