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Clearly a glutton for punishmentWe thread. Absolutely I can only take responsibility for my side of the street . I can’t be perercwct, neither can the person I am dating. We all have our flaws and have to own our own, not each others
I really don’t want to be so hard on myself anymore. I just don’t want to hurt anyone. And my past partners could have worked with me, as o was always willing to work with them. But that was never an option. I can’t make everything w prom perfectly for everyone
Validation. I like it but even when I get it, I feeel so awkward. My friend at work said to me, even when I go out with that guy, he’s going to like me, because I’m pretty, funny, and kind . It was so awkward to hear that that. And she is pretty funny, kind, and fortunately since she has never had to venture into the online dating world. But she thinks highly of me, but I feel so uncomfortable thinking highly of myself. I don’t know how to handle positive feedback.
Yea, that is kind of An awakening. I have me issues from childhood, but k will
Likely always have them .i am ahead of the game because I recognize them. My mom never had interest in my world, and the only way I could be in hers was sure her interests. So we bonded over watching all my children or reading together on her bed ( our own books) while eating pumpkin seeds. I could only bond with with her while doing what she loved. She loved playing bingo so I would beg to go there and sit there while she played. I waitresses there for $4 in tips per night, just to feel close . d14 was upset her dad turned down free to gets to a hickey game ( the one his wife took her to) and couldn’t understand why he just wouldn’t want to go since she was interested:l. It saddened me. My ex knew how I felt about hockey and refused to go to a game
With me or put it in the TV, and he doesn’t hate it:
I’m so done with my childhood stuff carrying over. It’s there, it’s not going anywhere. I’ll never be a perfect partner. Not will my partner ever be perfect.
It’s just lonely. But I know this is where I am supposed to be for some reason.
Lots of self discovery lately. But I don’t want to be so hard on myself anymore. I want to stop and breathe and appreciate myself in the moment. I’m perfect imperfect. I’m stubborn sometimes .I’m hard to convince at times . But I will
Love the sh!t out of my match who loves the sh!t out of me.
Whenever it’s supposed to happen.
And T- I am away with being a 5! There are guys where I was 10 in there eyes for a period of time .but yeah, looks wise I am average . And I don’t expect anything “above average” I am pretty .bit not “wow”. But to the right guy, I am a 10/AP for sure.
3.5 years. A whole different dating pool !
Miss Ginger, the flow of this post makes me think you were having a little fun last night.
I really don’t want to be so hard on myself anymore.
As the saying goes, we are our own worst critics.
My take, on your take on validation and it's ties to your childhood is probably on point. As a kid, maybe you didn't get the attention you shoukd have and when you did it was only when you weren't being yourself. You were being what someone else wanted. You also acclimated to little or no validation.
Maybe you don't need much validation and the directness when you get it is uncomfortable because understandably your used to a little bit. Someone who eats 1000 calories a day, suddenly having 3000 will feel sick. Does indirect validation have a more positive affect with you? There are probably a good number of guys that aren't over the top full of validation yet aren't so cold they would feel like dark triad trait exemplifiers.
The last guy, for you seemed way too interested and overbearing. He may not be for some, but for you, it seems like to me he tried too hard and gave too much attention. It sounds like you want a guy who wont put you on a pedestal but who has his own thing going on, and that you both better each other but are not each others entire world.
I'm so done with my childhood stuff carrying over. It’s there, it’s not going anywhere. I’ll never be a perfect partner. Not will my partner ever be perfect.
I'm sure you know this, but that is ok. None of us will be. You can be a BETTER partner than today but perfect? Never. And honestly does anyone want perfect? It would be boring!
Don't forget to have fun with Ginger. I have so much fun sometimes doing what I want to do when the kids aren't with me that sometimes I forget to check in on my friends. Like how could I make time for a date when I'm busy checking out an old game, watching a good movie, beautifying the house, trying a new exercise. A date seems so boring to me.
I am away with being a 5!
I'm guessing you thinking of yourself as a 5 and being a self critical person then you are probably above a 5. You mention a pretty face...how many don't have a pretty face. Youre quite blessed if you have a nice face. Not much one can do with their face besides make up. Plenty one can do for their body, spirit and mind though.
Haha! Only 2 beers. But I don’t drink much anymore so I’m becoming a bit of a lightweight. I’m working a long OT day today, had to go easy.
Someone sent me something from YouTube today that spoke of the “dark triad” which had me a little lost. But I got the gist. The overly nice complimentary people pleasing men are trying to get what they want . Then you have the guys who aren’t afraid to say no, can be meaningful with their compliments which Carries more weight usually. It shows strength. And I feel when I am validated meaningfully, complimented meaningfully, it means so much more and seems much more real and I am comfortable with that. Only in the middle of the two extremes is comfortable to me because it feels much more real to me and not gamey.
I do enjoy my Ginger time. My winter activity is Hot yoga and I’ve been enjoying that. Now that the nicer weather is here, I am looking forward to hiking and I have made a promise to make more time for it. I’m just emotionally lonely. It’s not so much as a physical presence I am lonely for. That’s that emotional intimate connection that I don’t have that is reason for my loneliness. I can entertain myself just fine, I’m usually pretty busy and I do have a little bit of a social life.
As far as physical attributes. I think once you reach a certain age, attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. By 40 there are so many different shapes and sizes of people, different changes each gender’s body goes through, babies that were had, hair that was lost, lol. We aren’t what we used to be, that’s for sure, and I think with that, most of us look at attractiveness differently. I have some defining features that are likely to be really attractive to one guy because those features carry weight for them. Another guy might find those features attractive, but they don’t carry too much weight for them. I am a sucker for a guy with a dark beard and light eyes. Drives me nuts. I am also turned on by blue collar types and a guy in a nice suit is nice and all, but won’t get me going like a guy in a nice fitting pair of jeans and a t shirt who is a little rough around the edges. So I don’t think at my age it’s so much “hot by societies standards” anymore. It’s hot by our own. But I do not try to rule out someone I am not immediately wowed by their pictures, because I think we could possibly lose out on some truly great people in this world by saying “ hmmmm, legs are too skinny” or “ she got a little bit of a belly”
Just interested in finding someone who accepts me as I am and vice versa and thinks I’m cute and vice versa. We make eachother laugh, we don’t just people please and we keep it real because we can because we are comfortable with ourselves
Someone sent me something from YouTube today that spoke of the “dark triad” which had me a little lost. But I got the gist. The overly nice complimentary people pleasing men are trying to get what they want . Then you have the guys who aren’t afraid to say no, can be meaningful with their compliments which Carries more weight usually. It shows strength.
I’m not sure what you watched on the dark triad, but I think you might be taking the wrong lesson from it.
Yes, guys who are overly flattering could be on the dark triad - but I don’t think your last date was that. Just a lonely needy guy.
What you need to be aware of is your tendency to gravitate towards those emotionally unavailable guys. Just because this guy wasn’t right for you doesn’t mean that you’re not deserving of an enthusiastic partner.
So K how do you weed out the enthusiastic men from the needy men?
Guys who aren’t needy don’t overdo it before they’ve even actually met you, for one.
So let’s say he says “ can’t wait to see meet you” Enthusiastic or needy?
So let’s say he says “ can’t wait to see meet you” Enthusiastic or needy?
Neither. They started to say, "Can't wait to see you", changed to "Can't wait to meet you.", but then didn't care enough to proofread their message before or after sending it. I doubt the person sending it is enthusiastic or needy.
I have been on enough dates in my adult life, I certainly know the difference. I’ve never knocked down a guy for saying “ I’m looking forward to meeting you” it was everything else that came with it. He never replied to my text, which I am honestly grateful for.
Last 3 dates were a “no” for me. I hope my next ( no, I don’t have one lined up) wakes something up inside of me. Has me excited for a second. Has me laughing with some attraction flying that is mutual. My batting average [censored] here.
My D got her first babysitting gig tonight. I made her do online CPR training and a babysitting class. She completed it and her aunt advertised her to her town mom group ( it’s the town over from mine, and it is $$$$ over there). Within a half hour of the advertisement up, she is interviewing with one family and then got a gig for tonight . A single mom
With a 7 month old and a 2.5 year old. And the 74 year old aunt was home to help. She wanted to go out with her boyfriend
For such short notice, she is making $180 for 3.5 hours! She already wants her for another job . The down side is I have stay awake past 10 pm to pick her up, lol.
So, I decided I’m quitting my job and babysitting for the rich people.
I do enjoy my Ginger time. My winter activity is Hot yoga and I’ve been enjoying that. Now that the nicer weather is here, I am looking forward to hiking and I have made a promise to make more time for it. I’m just emotionally lonely. It’s not so much as a physical presence I am lonely for. That’s that emotional intimate connection that I don’t have that is reason for my loneliness. I can entertain myself just fine, I’m usually pretty busy and I do have a little bit of a social life.
Good point, I was looking at it from my own frame and not from the emotional connection lens.
So, I decided I’m quitting my job and babysitting for the rich people
New user - IRS - has joined the chat.
Jokes asides thats really good money!
OMG. What a night.
I feel so awful for my daughter right now. I should have listened to my gut.
So, I was at work and my D was at her dads when she got this job. Something didn’t sit right with me because as a mother, I couldn’t understand how a woman would get some total stranger to watch her 7 month old and 2.5 year old with autism would hire a 14 year old girl without meeting her first and having her meet the kids. My ex talked to her on the phone and brought her to the door and everything seemed kosher. Something felt off, but the aunt was there and that’s why I was Ok with it.
She said she would be home by 10, so I drove there at 10, waited in the car until she got home. I noticed a car pulled into a driveway ( it’s a condo complex) and I figured that was her. But she wasn’t getting out of the car. After about 7 minutes, D texts me and says “mom, you have to come and help, she’s drunk and the aunt can’t get her out of the car!” So I go to help, she is beyond wasted. She has open containers in the car, she drove halfway up on the grass. Drunk as a skunk. I sent D to the car, helped get her in the house. The aunt told me she isn’t supposed to be drinking and she is an alcoholic. They moved there to get her away from booze ( her parents own a well known bar in a lake community about 45 min away) they have been trying to get her into AA and she won’t go. I gave her the number a woman we work with at a recovery center who helps. She took my number to pay D, but I don’t think she will.
basically, my D is traumatized now. She gave up her night with her dad to babysit. She saw something awful and got stiffed. She’s super upset. This was her first babysitting job.
So I told her I will pay her, and she doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow. We discussed alcoholism a little. We discussed how important it will be for her to never drive drunk or get in a car with someone who has been drinking. That if she is ever in that position, to call me and I will be there.
What a night. Her dad feels awful. I feel awful. She feels sad. She is empathetic and feels bad for the kids. My poor kiddo
Omg that’s awful. I’m so sorry G. When something sounds too good to be true, it usually is.
Ginger,
What a night that turned in to! I think you did an excellent job teaching some life lessons at the conclusion of the disappointing night, while in the midst of all the emotions. That's not easy, and from your prior post, both you and your daughter seemed very excited at the prospect of how the night would go. To go from the high positive to the low mix of emotions dealing with a drunk lady stiffing your family, and having the resolve to teach your D through it is commendable.
Did you hear back from the lady later regarding the pay? If not, have you or D tried texting her the next day, when she was hopefully sober? There is a good a life lesson here for D to stand up and claim what is owed.
Do ensure that any steps you or D take do not have any safety concerns. That is more important than anything else.
Thanks. She stayed home school yesterday, took a little bit of a mental health day. I didn’t sleep well, but when I woke up, I said “I’m getting that girl her money” I texted her dad and told him this and we decided either him or his BIL ( a cop who lives in that town) was going to get it. my D woke up to a text from the woman asking for mine or my ex’s zelle to send the money. I didn’t have her answer it, I had my ex do it. She sent the money, but it hasn’t cleared. She did not utter one sorry to my D nor my ex. We went out to dinner last night and she was nice and chatty and we had a good time together .
I actually told my D not to communicate with her and block her number. I am not having my D communicate with an alcoholic. She isn’t a woman who just had too much to drink that night. She is a full blown alcoholic and at 14, I do not want my daughter dealing with her. Her aunt who posted my D’s advertisement in the town mom FB group sent a message to the moderator letting her know what happened and to remove the woman from the group so that some other poor young kid doesn’t have to deal with this. It is not a safe situation.
The good news is I am taking her for an interview tomorrow with someone her aunt knows because their sons go to school together. She’s excited for that.
Yesterday I had a sort of coworker burst in my office yesterday and say “ you are single, right?” I’m like “ it’s my scarlet letter” lol. I said that I am. She wants to set me up with her son . We are both 42 and divorced, no kids for him. She told me the town she lived in and then I put the name together and me and this kid went to school together from 1st-8th grade. Small world. She gave him my number. We shall see. Man, I really do need geography change
I had a guy I had dated and it didn’t work out come back for round 3. It didn’t work the 1st 2 times, and he wants to try a 3rd. I don’t think I can do it.
I was browsing online last night for potential places I want to move. It can’t come soon enough
Well, what was the guy like in grade school? Can you do a little online sleuthing before you talk to him?
We were so young then! He definitely wasn’t a bully or troubled kid. He was a good kid. I found him and stalked him a bit as I know he did me, because his mom said he’s have him check me out on FB. Haven’t heard anything . Might be weirded out . We shall see .
Oh, and if he’s going to judge by what he remembers, dear lord, I was awful looking. Braces, glasses, and a mullet fro. I’m not even exaggerating . I was not cute, lol.
Went to the dentist yesterday. I have had dental hell since childhood. I had oral surgeries, but corrected, 4 years of braces ( yes, I had an underbite too) they wanted to reset my jaw before all the issues happened to prevent them, by my parents said no. So I endured a lot to get a decent mouth of teeth. Luckily my dad was a state employee and it was paid for. For a period of time in my very early moneY. And back then kids were not covered until 25. I had no dental coverage. Long story short, with no covered, and then coverage at a dental clinic where they botched some work, I lost a few teeth in the back of my mouth. I found out yesterday I have a slightly loose front tooth. And if I had to lose a front tooth I would die. Basically, I have been clenching my teeth so hard lately, I catch myself. I have a deep bite because of the few missing back teeth. My stress level is apparently pretty high. It’s recommended I get 2 dental implants in the back ( can’t even see them) but just to correct my bite to preserve my front tooth. He also recommended an all expense paid trip to Hawaii. I swear. I can’t afford this. But I’m pretty sure my dating life would be dead in the water if I didn’t fix this. Now I’m clenching more because I’m stressed.
Sigh. I think I’m just going to sell one of my kidneys. They are my best organs, lol.
My dentist is a trip. He’s in his mid 30’s. Very good looking man. He is always making jokes About the downside of marriage. I can’t tell if he can’t stand being married and can’t stand his wife, or he really loves it . He has a 2 year old son. I was talking to the hugest about my 14 year old daughter. He asked about the teen years and I told him about how I’m pretty much never ever right and I know nothing according to her. He says “ I’m married, I’m used that to that already!”
That was a boring post. Just stuff on my mind.
Maybe that little boy had a crush on the girl with the mullet fro
As for the teeth - this likely has nothing to do with your teeth, but the long Covid patients I follow online have a high incidence of tooth loss. Nobody knows exactly why, but my guess is that microscopic blood clots in the blood vessels in the root of the teeth may be the culprit.
Maybe that little boy had a crush on the girl with the mullet fro
As for the teeth - this likely has nothing to do with your teeth, but the long Covid patients I follow online have a high incidence of tooth loss. Nobody knows exactly why, but my guess is that microscopic blood clots in the blood vessels in the root of the teeth may be the culprit.
I never had Covid. For sure. But I do clench my teeth like crazy. I always feel my face so tense. It’s a shock I don’t have any wrinkles. Stress is my baseline, but I guess it’s been kicked up a bit lately. Which I know is why I’m not losing anymore weight. I’m eating fine, I’m exercising, but I have a feel stress is kicking my insulin into overdrive.
As for the teeth - this likely has nothing to do with your teeth, but the long Covid… may be the culprit.
I never had Covid.
Ba ha ha ha. Can’t even make this stuff up anymore. SMH. Although you were vaccinated right? I’ll bet it’s the vaccine that loosened one single tooth and left all the rest alone. That’s got to be it! (Yes of course this is sarcasm.) Honestly it’s probably Trumps fault.
I had an awesome educactor in paramedic school that often said, don’t go looking for zebras in the horse field. I will tell you, however that I too have been struggling with dental issues, including my bite, some grinding, stress and now one lose tooth is loose and shows bone degeneration on X-ray. I’d agree that stress, clenching and grinding are the most likely culprits. My stress level has been markedly increased for 2 years now. Hmmmmm wonder what kicked up my stress levels starting two years ago - to the month.
Thankfully they can fix that in multiple different ways that no one will ever know. But no, it’s often not cheep and often not covered by insurance.
Yes, I like how you worded that. We share the same demon. See you can abolish the stress but the body wants homeostasis and finds a way to get back to baseline.
The dental stuff, I'm sure you or the dentist mentioned this already but aside from stress, there's lots of evidence behind mouth shape causing problems. In short, loose tooth, likely caused by clenching, partially or potentially caused by the shape of your mouth and dental work in the past. If you can spare the arm, leg and kidney for dental implants, the positive effect may crescendo in a positive way overall. Apparently a full mouth of teeth whether its visible or not has a nice effect of making the face more attractive. Ginger, your chance is here to go up a point on the scale and say you did it all for health =D.
My stress level has been markedly increased for 2 years now. Hmmmmm wonder what kicked up my stress levels starting two years ago - to the month.
I see what you did there.
Goodness I've been there stress wise since I awakened to reality. I have to thank my Ex for helping me to shatter the illusion. The jolt from the BD sent me seeking truth and I found it. Acres of it. Mountains of it. Now I think youre here too Don...you see how the magicians perform their tricks. They no longer fool you. They try harder and your perception grows stronger seeing "who in the audience was aiding the magicians illusion". They switch tactics and your discernment abilities get ahead. You tell the guy next to you what the magician will do next, and the magician performs exactly like you said he would.
The veil cannot be pulled over the eyes again. Cannot unred pill.
Ending my hijack there.
I certainly don’t think COVID is the cause of everything. I work very closely and I worked with a high population of acutely Ill hospitalized COVID patients. And the long COVID patients. Long covid is real. And it’s mostly prevalent in the first round /strain. The ones who came back from the brink of death or had very extended symptoms. Mostly in the form of chronic lung disease, heart strain, and blood clots. And we did have some post covid psychosis which was those who were on the brink of death and came back. Again, I didn’t have covid, which is quite amazing considering. I do have a super immune system. I haven’t had so much as a sniffle since beginning and before COVID. It’s weird .
Anyways, yeah, Core. It’s definitely affected my bite. Which wasn’t hot in the first place. I don’t have banged up teeth, but I don’t have great teeth, but I can tell you, losing that front tooth would knock me down on the attractiveness scale to zero! Ha! If I had the money, I would do lots of cosmetic dental work. I am going to consider those implants and put it on a care credit. I’m already broke, might as well get broker.
My accountant tried something and my federal refund was huge, but he wasn’t sure it would work. It didn’t. I literally got 655 from federal. He basically told me those who are divorced get screwed with the child tax credit . I got my hopes way up. It was going to solve a lot of problems. Oh well. I’ll just work more and more.
I took D for her babysitting interview. My god, what a relief. Probably the nicest family ever. Living in a million dollar home with the cutest. dog and 7 year old. Mom is super caring and loving and protective but ready to start going out again. Then dad walks in. Oh My God. If you could build me a perfect man, he’s it. Looks, personality, everything. They are really cool people. My D was like “ you guys should hang out” I would ,lol. D did great and it looks like she is hired. Test run soon, they will go out locally one night . They feel good I live close by and I’m a nurse godforbid. D handles herself so well around them. I’m proud. This was a very nice change from what happened Sunday and she came out of that house feeling so comfortable and relieved .
I find myself dealing with alot of envy lately. I know everyone says “you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors” but not everyone’s lives are messed up behind closed doors. There are actually great lives going on behind closed doors. Nice families, attentive and loving husband and wives. People who love eachother, big families that get together and truly love eachother and aren’t drenched in drama. It exists. It’s real. And I envy it. I was in that house and I just wanted to be the wife so bad. I know it’s the theirs of joy, but I can’t help but feel it. My coworker is 60 something with a huge huge family. She is 1 of 7 and the the youngest and the only girl. She has 3 kids. She talks about her family with such love and joy all the time. I envy their big huge get togethers.
She is the most amazing grandmother and nothing brings her more joy than watching her grandkids while her daughter and husband travel or do something fun. She is close with everyone of her brothers wives. It’s beautiful. It’s absolutely beautiful.
Just keeping it real over here. It’s a rainy Thursday here. The upside is I’m getting a fancy dinner for free tonight !
Lots of long Covid patients are young, healthy and had mild outpatient cases. My first case was a perfectly healthy 35 year old woman with no risk factors and a mild flu like case - she ended up so disabled she couldn’t work for a year and still isn’t back to baseline two years later. I’m hoping Omicron won’t trigger as much long Covid but it is still to early to tell.
I have faith you’ll get the family you want and deserve one day G.
I decided to go back on bumble. It’s been over 6 months since I deleted my whole profile. About 5 since I deleted tinder. All I had was hinge where I very rarely get matches because There are so many upgrades you have to pay for to become visible. I probably checked it out once a week.
Anyways, I told myself the right swipes had to be someone I was attracted to, not be potentially attracted to physically. The good thing is, while I have a “type” that I am really physically attracted to, I have a wide range of physical attraction. They don’t have to fit certain attributes. I also made sure they were within a reasonable distance. 19 miles away in NYC, but I won’t match with anyone there. I swiped right on only what I was compatible with. Doesn’t want more kids, some similar hobbies, and again, personal
Preference, k don’t swipe right on Christian conservative. I would date someone who was possibly, but not someone who needs to point that out in a profile.
I have gotten a lot of matches. I matched with 90 percent of my right swipes which is good. Started a few convos. They have been decent so far. One guy and I moved to text and wow. He hasn’t been inappropriate at all. Our convo just flows, he is so easy to talk to. I feel like I am being my authentic self. All the way. I don’t feel any need to filter or catch my words or wonder if they are right. Physically, he does fall into my top preferences of what I am attracted to. And. We also have the same birthday. I am 9 years younger though, lol. He owns his own home, has a good job in a union. 15 year old daughter. I laughed and smiled so much while texting. And I understand the difference from when I was talking with the other guy. For topics that have a lot of discussion we keep saying “when we meet that we will talk about them, but don’t have a date set yet. Hopefully soon, but I’m gone next weekend for a wedding. He’s on the farther end of my radius, but works my way often. I do realize I’m very attracted to a manly man. Blue color tradesmen. Drives me crazy.
Now for my coworkers son. We have been doing some light texting as well. He’s nice, our convo has been good. Am I that attracted? No. But I have to meet him. He does have great parents, so there is that. I do want to meet him.
I think this is the problem with talking to multiple men at the same time. You definitely end up connecting with one more, then it’s hard to connect with the other.
I guess I’m back in the dating game. I am a little more comfortable. Lots of profiles that mention how they aren’t vanilla and “kink a plus” but I just swipe past them. Actually, I made fun of them in my own profile. I mean, that’s fine and all, but when it’s in your introduction, I see where it is on the priority list. And those who don’t have it on their profiles , haven’t broken it out. Wheeeww. I might be more optimistic this time, but I’m sure as heck very cautious.
Maybe the thousandth time is the charms, lol
By the way, listen to the deeper dating podcast. It’s great.
Ginger1,
Glad you're back at it and with a positive outlook towards dating. Your mindset towards it sounds a lot better in this post than previously and I bet that makes a big difference in the outcome for you.
I have gotten a lot of matches. I matched with 90 percent of my right swipes which is good.
I get the sense from reading your thread that you've often had a lot of interest and options, but either weren't interested yourself or not perhaps not open to it.
One guy and I moved to text and wow. He hasn’t been inappropriate at all.
Still surprising to me that this isn't the common, but you and the other women on the board would know better.
Our convo just flows, he is so easy to talk to. I feel like I am being my authentic self. All the way. I don’t feel any need to filter or catch my words or wonder if they are right. Physically, he does fall into my top preferences of what I am attracted to.
I laughed and smiled so much while texting. And I understand the difference from when I was talking with the other guy. For topics that have a lot of discussion we keep saying “when we meet that we will talk about them, but don’t have a date set yet. Hopefully soon
That's awesome. Hope you can line up schedules soon!
He owns his own home, has a good job
Wouldn't this be the standard not the exception at our age? Seems like the the bare minimum LOL. You've mentioned "not living parents" a few times in earlier posts, so I ask.
Wheeeww. I might be more optimistic this time, but I’m sure as heck very cautious.
Optimistic but cautious. Sounds like the right attitude.
Maybe the thousandth time is the charms, lol
Reminds me of "My Cousin Vinny" when they're asking him how many times it took to pass the bar exam. "Third time's a charm? Not for me it wasn't." LOL
My mindset was awful and I was generally set up to fail with that mindset. I was like angry at men and that’s not good. I decided to drop that. I’m just going to eliminate the bad stuff the way I can up front. I’m going in as all me and where the chips may fall with that one, they fall.
I do imagine if I swiped right on every male, I would match 85% of the time. I also think guys just swipe right on everyone THEN they weed out, where as I think women weed out before swiping. Quality is definitely best on bumble, but they put alot of our walls up since I’ve last been on. Pisses me off.
I know the standard should be has own home and sees kids regularly. As you know, my area is like 500k for a fixer upper these days in a decent neighborhood and a 3 bedroom rental above 2k. It will make you house poor like me on one income and a child. So I try not to be too judgemental. There are a lot who lost a lot in a divorce and it doesn’t make any sense to become house poor and in t when your parents let you live in their big house for free . I get it. But it doesn’t work too well for dating . I had no problem with M because mom worked at night and she loved me. So I could stay over and I was welcomed .
I learned some more about this guy today. Divorced since 2013. He has full custody of his daughter for the last 3 years. He is willing to talk about it and he said over drinks. We were speaking honestly and he we were talking about “nice guys” and “nice girls” he said he used to be a” nice guy” but he realized they never win because they can be weak, passive, filtered, not confident and wishy washy. He admitted it was him but isn’t anymore.
He just keeps becoming a better match. I hope we get to meet soon. I enjoy chatting with him alot and I haven’t enjoyed chatting with anyone in forever.
I’m going out tonight for a coworkers farewell. I realize going out now stresses me out. I love being social and getting drinks with friends. But the drinking pArt stresses me . I never have a DD, I can always call an Uber, but it’s a real pain in the Butt. I also hate hangovers killing my day. I’m going to keep it to a 2 drink min then club soda with wine for the rest of the night. I only enjoy drinking at home or when I’m staying somewhere. But I’ll have fun and get home at a reasonable hour because I’m just older now and I want to.
I’ve got a weekend away wedding next weekend. I’ll have some fun there. We have a hotel. As long as my wedding date can handle her liquor and I don’t have to take care of her
My mindset was awful and I was generally set up to fail with that mindset. I was like angry at men and that’s not good. I decided to drop that. I’m just going to eliminate the bad stuff the way I can up front. I’m going in as all me and where the chips may fall with that one, they fall.
Good approach going all in as you, and glad to see the mindset change...us men aren't all bad!
I do imagine if I swiped right on every male, I would match 85% of the time. I also think guys just swipe right on everyone THEN they weed out, where as I think women weed out before swiping.
I can only speak for myself, but I've swiped left on probably 80-90% of profiles, so I've done a good bit of wedding out. Perhaps women are even more discerning. I don't see the point in swiping right on everyone when I'm clearly not interested but maybe some men do.
I know the standard should be has own home and sees kids regularly. As you know, my area is like 500k for a fixer upper these days in a decent neighborhood and a 3 bedroom rental above 2k. It will make you house poor like me on one income and a child. So I try not to be too judgemental.
Fair enough.
There are a lot who lost a lot in a divorce and it doesn’t make any sense to become house poor and in t when your parents let you live in their big house for free . I get it. But it doesn’t work too well for dating.
I bet!
I learned some more about this guy today. Divorced since 2013. He has full custody of his daughter for the last 3 years.
Not newly divorced and full custody of his child. Two green flags.
He just keeps becoming a better match. I hope we get to meet soon. I enjoy chatting with him alot and I haven’t enjoyed chatting with anyone in forever.
Good luck! Hope it clicks in person as it seems to be over the phone.
Thanks BL. Only green flags so far. Cautiously optimistic .
G - the fact that you’re not available for a date this week might work in your favor. When CMM and I met online, I was very busy and heading out of town for a medical conference. I couldn’t fit our coffee date in until 3 weeks later. It wasn’t on purpose but I think it actually made him more interested in meeting me.
Hoping this guy turns out to be as nice and attractive in person.
Good luck with the new guy Ginger. Sounds promising. Crossing my fingers and toes for you. (((HUGS)))
Thank you, but I have a feeling he might have disappeared already. I’m telling you, nothing surprises me anymore. You can be in the middle of a perfectly good conversation one moment and poof the next. We were chatting a bit before I went out Saturday. I sent a picture , I looked nice, and said to save it so he didn’t have to look at bumble for what I look like. Maybe it turned him off, because he said “oh, haha. Have a good time tonight” last I heard from him Saturday night. This morning I asked him how his zucchini bread came out and not a word.
You go back and try to pick apart what you did “wrong”. Everything was flowing so nicely and if my pic was what was wrong, well, then he isn’t the one for me. But it’s so hard to trust any interactions . They can be going so well one second and be done the next. I’m trying to let it all roll off my back. But I will say I was just so much peaceful when not thinking about this stuff and dating. But it was just so nice to finally click with someone.
I’m just so confused about this dating thing. 14 years and nothing to show for it. While I am really yearning for that great emotional connection, I am trying to decide if getting there is worth it or a cheese less tunnel for me, as they say
There is an issue with OLD in that people can be talking to multiple people at once, and sometimes one of those dates has worked out before you get a chance. Sometimes too they are scammers or their wife found out they were online. Don't look at this as someone good you missed out on - more likely it was someone not so good that you are better shed of.
((((hug)))))
It seems the men I’m not interested in are interested in me, and the ones I am interested in aren’t interested in me!
I really cannot wait to move
How do you think moving will improve your dating? If there are specific ways, I'd try figuring out how to achieve that where you are. Otherwise moving may not make a difference. You live where there are a lot of people, it's not possible that there isn't anyone suitable to date. So figuring this out now, instead of waiting until you move, will be beneficial.
Again, a guy who seemed interested when you chatted, then ghosts you may just have gone on a date in the meantime and started seeing that woman. But the odds are equally good that you just dodged a bullet. Online dating does take time. But if it's not working for you, how about a Meetup group for singles?
I just think it’s my mindset that needs a huge change of scenery. It’s same old same old for so many years now. A fresh start in a new place is good for the soul and leaving the place you struggled for so long.
It worked for my friend. New state, different people, lucky within a year. That part may not happen for me, but honestly, my state is bringing me down. I want an easier lighter life
Hi Ginger,
Gosh, having that connection and then silence does sound very frustrating. Especially after you sent a picture. It’s so easy to run all these possible ‘where did I go wrong’ sceneries in your head, but try not to do that. There is so much left unsaid in texting, and maybe he just wanted to avoid appearing to available…especially with how busy you appeared to be. It could be anything. And yes, if he does ghost you, then it means it wasn’t a good fit too. Try if you can to stay positive. But mostly just continue to be YOU.
I am also wondering if I should just move to a new state and completely start a new life. I’m about to move into a new apartment and honestly, I have wondered why I just didn’t get a storage unit and go off some place. Ha! But I also realize for me it’s not the best timing, but I am still thinking that a new start elsewhere may be a good idea…at least when I feel I can do it. When the divorce is over and I have a better idea of my finances.
Anyway, wishing you some more fun convos and interesting dates to come. Even if the process is frustrating, there can be some fun parts in the process as well. You are a wonderful, funny, smart, loving, and beautiful person. You may not like all the guys who come your way, but when it’s right, you will know and it will be awesome. Hang in there!
El
The problem with online dating is that women are very picky because it is easy for them to get matches. Research shows that women on average match with a guy that has an SMV about two levels higher than them and men have to go down two notches. A guy may swipe right on a woman but eventually the woman has trouble getting his attention because of the disparity in SMV. There is also research that shows that most of the matches are made with 10-20% of the guys. So, the guys that women match with have a lot of choice on who to move forward with. The ones that the woman has a realistic chance with is swept left into oblivion. G, I am not saying your standards are unrealistic but this is generally the case according to many studies. Often, the bias is in the subconscious and influences swiping behavior of men and women without them even realizing it.
I doubt the picture had anything to do with it. It is more likely that he was on the fence and finally decided to move on. If it was indeed the picture, then I would be worried about his mental makeup and block him.
Sorry about the POOF! Some of the reasons we next people are random--like, a 3rd date with someone else goes well, or like when I ghosted a sexy attorney because I didn't feel fireworks during our first coffee date (SHE insisted on a coffee date whereas my other dates were up for fun! And I kinda forgot about her 2nd date request in the stream of incoming messages.) I doubt it was your photos, Ginger, or what you're offering as a partner which sounds like a lot!
I can assure that my standards are not above where they should be. Trust me, if they are above my scale I don’t even bother swiping right, even if I’m interested because I’m not delusional . I’m a very humble woman, and if anything I might swipe lower on this “scale” I’m realistic. He just didn’t seem like the ghosting type, even if he was more interested in someone else. He was also acting very interested, then not . But it’s Ok. I am not going to think too much into it. I just know even when things seem decent, don’t trust it.
I’m talking to my coworkers son. I’m beginning to feel like this is a bad idea. It’s a lot of pressure for it to work out. Texting is good, we are going to call soon and go out not this weekend, but next weekend. He is really interested. I am so/so. Attraction wise, eh on my end. But that might be something that could get better in person and knowing him. His mom did disclose up front he has a medical marijuana card. He disclosed he has anxiety. You all may be surprised at this, but I don’t! He did say his anxiety has kept him from doing things he planned at the minute. It’s a tough one. But I will certainly go on the date. It’s tough, if it doesn’t work, I work with both his mother and father. His dad works at my hospital too. He is like the nicest man in the world. My hospital is a mid sized community hospital and everyone knows everyone!
Elbreth- I have been stuck in a state that has been sucking me dry due to divorce. I really don’t have much here and if I wasn’t bound to this state, I would have moved in a second. But. 18 years, lol. I’m ready to pack it up, sell it and peace out of here and go back to renting. I hate homeowning. I’m house poor. I would love to move to a slower paced more peaceful place, by the mountains and the beach. New people, new scenery, it would be really refreshing. 3.5 years. Seems so far away. And I hate that I am mentally rushing through my daughters high school years just to get there.
He just didn’t seem like the ghosting type, even if he was more interested in someone else. He was also acting very interested, then not . But it’s Ok. I am not going to think too much into it. I just know even when things seem decent, don’t trust it.
This is what finally did it in for me with OLD. Even the people who you’d think would be the last to ghost or do other things seem to have zero problems with doing it. The frustration and hopelessness of it all left me feeling worse than if I didn’t try at all - yet still in the same place. I have to give you huge credit if you really are not letting it get to you. But are you really? How could it not? I’m really strong with huge self-esteem and it got to me.
Since it appears after finally coming over to our side about OLD LH has just ghosted himself… I’ll have to ask you what I know he already has in the past and would again - why are you going back to it AGAIN? Just weeks ago you said you were done with it, for the 19th time. Then in a flash you are back. Why? These seemingly spur of the moment changes and reactions worry me. You have this pattern of saying one thing but then doing the opposite.
I also wonder about your type/don’t have a type with these blue collar guys. What’s up with that? The guys you seem to be interested in and attracted to are not good for you yet guys that are interested in you and may be good for you you’re not interested in. This is by your own admission. While I also understand it I have to wonder how much it has to do with both if our sitchs.
I wish I had the answer as time just keeps passing by and here we are. I fear moving is not it. Sure it may help with other things but the guys you are meeting, interested in and rejecting won’t change because your location does. Seems the best woukd be to figure out why you can’t accept one if the guys who are really into you. Easier said than done perhaps but half of the equation is already in place - they are interested. This is the piece you can’t control - their interest. You have more control over your response. I know I coukd tell the same things to myself as well so I know it’s not easy. But shouid it all be so hard?
Just out of curiosity Ginger - since this is something I'm regularly asked to identify - what is on your list of "must have" and "nice to have"? What "is" your type?
If I recall correctly you have in fact dated the "lives in his Mom's basement playing video games" type in the past.
I know from our past interactions that I'm certainly not your type so aging lonely nerds who enjoy baking is perhaps out
What sort of markers do you look at to see if they are suitable? Job / looks / kids / location / financial stability? I'm sure it's changed over time.
Ginger, if you and the coworkers son don’t find a connection, you could say that you simply didn’t feel any chemistry with him even if you thought he was a great person.
To me, chemistry is something that is either there or isn’t. And it can be intellectual and/or sexual (among other things). Not having chemistry with someone is not someone’s fault. It’s not within our control. Someone can be perfect on paper and there can be no chemistry.
So, if you respond with that, how could anyone fault you? It’s the truth. I mean, if finding someone was all about finding someone perfect on paper, we’d all have arranged relationships.
If you are honest and open and truthful, how could your coworkers hold that against you? Same thing with telling guys you date that you are not feeling the chemistry with them? It’s honest and better than stringing things along only to hurt someone’s feelings. It’s definitely easier to accept than being told you are not someone’s type…which to me implies that they are missing something specific. Chemistry is not specific. It’s ambiguous.
And to me, chemistry can be instantaneous. But it also can develop as you know more about someone. So give someone a few dates or connections to feel it out. But only as long as you are intrigued enough for another date. And also accept that someone may not feel chemistry towards you but that takes nothing away from the awesome person you are. People just click or they don’t.
I think if this guy you had been texting just ghosted you, that says a lot about the person. A good honest and open person would give you an explanation. Sure, it can be awkward, but I feel that being a good person to others is more important than a moment of awkwardness of telling someone you are not feeling the chemistry or have moved on with other interests.
Anyway, those are my suggestions for you to consider.
El
I haven’t been really actively online dating and all my apps deleted, except hinge where I got that one date. It’s been months I haven’t been active. I decided to go back active with a better mindset. I’m mostly attracted to the blue collar type. They aren’t even bad boys. They are regular men.
My “type” is a humble but confident man. Hard working, funny and fun.
Andrew, my must haves include a job, not live over an hour away, must be legally divorced. No separation and no recent divorce in a year or under. I’m flexible on living with parents depending on sitch, because the middle class is dying over here in my state. When you rent/mortgage/taxes are well over 2k a month which is nearly impossible to maintain in a single income household. I know I’m dying and i would do it if I could. I haven’t dated the “living in moms basement playing video games” type. Must be employed and must not be just freeloading. The ones I have dated who lived with parents are in the above situation I mention and have all been gainfully employed. When you become a single parent to a young kid too, I think it’s great to have extended family around to be of support. It’s great for thebkid to have family around. I wish I had it . I think they are pretty reasonable . I would like some similar hobbies , but there are no hard or fast rules about that.
Elbreth, I agree, if there ends up being no chemistry, it is OK for me to say that. I will be beyond respectful and I think everyone would understand. Hey, we may go out and I totally dig him , or he might meet me and not dig me!
Ginger1,
I’m just so confused about this dating thing. 14 years and nothing to show for it. While I am really yearning for that great emotional connection, I am trying to decide if getting there is worth it or a cheese less tunnel for me, as they say
14 years is a long time. That must be frustrating. I don't have any advice; less than a year in and already getting a sense/taste of what you've experienced. That our Exs walked right into another long term situation at BD doesn't help.
It seems the men I’m not interested in are interested in me, and the ones I am interested in aren’t interested in me!
Just curious, have you given this some self-reflection and discussed it with IC?
I would love to move to a slower paced more peaceful place, by the mountains and the beach. New people, new scenery, it would be really refreshing. 3.5 years. Seems so far away. And I hate that I am mentally rushing through my daughters high school years just to get there.
Encourage your daughter to go to an area/state close to where you want to move!
my must haves include a job, not live over an hour away, must be legally divorced. No separation and no recent divorce in a year or under...Must be employed and must not be just freeloading...I would like some similar hobbies , but there are no hard or fast rules about that.
Seems like a reasonable list which if anything sets the the bar low.
I’m mostly attracted to the blue collar type. They aren’t even bad boys. They are regular men.
My “type” is a humble but confident man. Hard working, funny and fun.
This is a tricky thing to ask, but why do you think they're not interested in you? Maybe something to self-reflect and self-improve on? Though don't want to sound insulting because I'm sure you probably have over the years.
As for going back to renting when you move - I think you should reconsider. You'll hopefully be in a position where you can move somewhere that your housing dollars go further, and have some equity in your current home. A condo or townhouse can relieved you of a lot of the burden of exterior maintenance, and then you don't have to worry about the landlord selling or having to move for other reasons. Also - having a paid-off home by the time you retire can really ease your retirement finances.
Hi Ginger,
I’m talking to my coworkers son. I’m beginning to feel like this is a bad idea. It’s a lot of pressure for it to work out.
I'd consider working through these feelings--WHAT pressure? You're signed up for a single date. If you have fun or feel any attraction, go on another. If not, "I didn't feel a spark." That's literally all a date is. A bit of fun with someone OCCASIONALLY leading to more.
Texting is good, we are going to call soon and go out not this weekend, but next weekend.
Are you enjoying these calls/texts--would you consider it time well spent if you and he don't spark Just curious. My average was 15 minutes of texting before a first date, because if there was no spark, it felt like a waste of time and effort. Talking in person is more fun for me. Partly, I enjoyed dating because I stuck to doing what I enjoyed. E.g., preparing picnic foods! (:
He is really interested. I am so/so. Attraction wise, eh on my end. But that might be something that could get better in person and knowing him.
Definitely! Hard to gauge attraction before you meet someone.
He disclosed he has anxiety. You all may be surprised at this, but I don’t! He did say his anxiety has kept him from doing things he planned at the minute. It’s a tough one.
I can relate to anxiety, although unlike him, it rarely stops me. I tell my kids bravery doesn't exist without fear. The thing is, dating my current GF, my anxiety is nearly zero. Our routine of a single good morning text leaves me feeling confident and happy in our relationship. I suspect that is not a heavy burden on her shoulders! Magic Decoder Ring - You don't HAVE to ease his anxiety, but consider a "Looking forward to tomorrow!" the night before the date. It may settle his nerves so he sleeps well. This might help bring out the best in him to maximize the chances you find love and it's a match.
Re: buying vs. renting. I’m not looking to buy right away because I am not sure if I will like the new area, and I want freedom to say “nope, this isn’t for me” and move on to the next, until I find my happy place. I am planning on staying within driving distance of D’s college , and I’m hoping we agree on a college/area.
This guys anxiety is general anxiety and not relationship based. Like he had the chance to take a really great trip, but backed out last minute because his anxiety got the best of him .
Am I enjoying his texts? A little. Everything is pretty superficial right now and kind and friendly. We did get a little deeper last night. Not the same connection/flow with the other guy who disappeared .
But maybe when we meet in person it will be better.
I’m not ruling him out. And I guess I get anxiety about hurting someone’s son that I know if the feelings aren’t the same. My anxiety generally lies around hurting others . It’s weird.
For now, I have my wedding this weekend. Looking forward to a weekend away
Hi Ginger,
I guess I get anxiety about hurting someone’s son that I know if the feelings aren’t the same. My anxiety generally lies around hurting others.
If it helps, adult men have all been rejected more than a few times. We are the initiators so face that more than women. I barely remember ladies who don't make it to 3 dates, as long as they're not the rude sort who ghost leaving you uncertain for days. Ladt year, Ms. BunnyBoiler aka Ms. DoGooder broke up after five dates and these were my feelings--
{Update} - After I wrote the above, MsDoGooder called to break-up. She was in tears. Tuesday she setup an overnight date. Thursday she learned she has Hashimoto's and is breaking up with me. She said too much is happening in her life and she's not sure she felt a connection beyond the physical. I don't know whether I feel sad or relieved--both? What's clear is my Saturday evening and Sunday morning are free. I can Bumble again. Maybe, though, I'll work on putting my house in better shape, first.
Even after five dates and a month, it was a sad moment, but by the time she messaged me again that evening (confusing), I was ready to block her drama and was already wrapping my head around housekeeping and new options.
I don’t think it is weird at all Ginger. I can totally relate to what you are saying. I have had too many “sorry…I just don’t feel a romantic connection” conversations with people and I dread them. I’m also like you… I don’t swipe right on guys that seem too good looking or too accomplished or too anything, TBH. Realistically, I’m a 7 or 8 in every category so I’m not looking for 10’s. I would say my “type” is a blue collar guy who lives in a white collar world…lol. That’s how I would describe myself if I were a guy. I have three university degrees and I work in mental health / youth justice so my colleagues are clinicians, psychiatrists, lawyers, judges, etc…. However, on my off time, I like to do blue collar kinds of activities… sitting around a campfire, playing pool in a pool hall, etc… Not to say that I don’t like other activities but I definitely have preferences. When I was in my 30’s and single, I used to spend weekends travelling to various pool tournaments in the bars and pool halls of small town USA. I think those are my happiest memories as I was doing exactly what I wanted to do at the time and was responsible for just me, myself and I.
I feel for you my friend. I am on a couple of apps but really have not responded to anyone or swiped right on anyone since I decided I wasn’t going on a third date with VP. Right now it just seems like too much effort and my heart isn’t in it. I know that will change though, as it always does…lol. Not too many other ways to meet someone new these days. It just is what it is.
Hope you have a fantastic time at the wedding. (((HUGS)))
This guys anxiety is general anxiety and not relationship based. Like he had the chance to take a really great trip, but backed out last minute because his anxiety got the best of him .
You might stay aware that anxiety this extreme might be social anxiety, or it MIGHT be OCD. People with OCD get very anxious. I'd be curious if the backing out at the last minute was because he was overwhelmed at the thought of the amount of socializing that would be required - or if he had OCD concerns like phobia of flying, germs, etc.
I'd also be interested in what kind of treatment (and how long) he has had. If this is a recent development and he's getting treatment, that's one thing. If it's a lifelong problem that has kept him from being a productive member of society that's a whole other ball of wax. Not saying that he couldn't be a lovely guy or that he doesn't deserve love - only that taking on someone with those challenges might not be right for YOU.
Hoping he turns out to be significantly different from what this little bit of info implies. And hoping this wedding you are attending has some cute single wedding crashers.
This guys anxiety is general anxiety and not relationship based. Like he had the chance to take a really great trip, but backed out last minute because his anxiety got the best of him .
You might stay aware that anxiety this extreme might be social anxiety, or it MIGHT be OCD. People with OCD get very anxious. I'd be curious if the backing out at the last minute was because he was overwhelmed at the thought of the amount of socializing that would be required - or if he had OCD concerns like phobia of flying, germs, etc.
I'd also be interested in what kind of treatment (and how long) he has had. If this is a recent development and he's getting treatment, that's one thing. If it's a lifelong problem that has kept him from being a productive member of society that's a whole other ball of wax. Not saying that he couldn't be a lovely guy or that he doesn't deserve love - only that taking on someone with those challenges might not be right for YOU..
I don't have the ability or frankly the interest to dig into the why's of this but dang, all I see is a huge red flag. I mean, he sounds like a whole lot of fun - backing out last minute on a really great trip? Oh yeah, sign me up for some of that. I mean, it would be one thing if a true mental disorder would befall someone I'm already committed to and in love with. I would not abandoned them but as KML says, taking on someone with challenges like this... I mean, why? He's not yours to fix. I'd be really, really cautious.
I've said this before and it really seems to apply again here. The most common reason someone tries to set up friends, let alone set up a child with a friend is not based on common interests, on hobbies, on personalities, on potential compatibility, or often even on looks. The number one over-riding reason they try to set single people up is BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH SINGLE! I have to wonder if that's the predominate reason here - he's single, she's single, let's set them up.
I’m not going to lie, the anxiety concerns me. I am a pretty go wo
It’s the one try anything kind of gal. Pretty laid back and open. It would be difficult to be with someone who is the polar opposite .
He takes medical marijuana . He has a solid family and a a good friend base and does socialize . This is what I know.
And yes, his mom new I was single and in the same age ball park and I’m “pretty and fun” ( her words) and thought she would hook us up. Sometimes all you need to be is single and in others eyes, that makes you compatible x it’s almost like a scarlet letter “S” lol.
I don’t know. Lately I have been at more peace being alone. Not overly depressed and lonely, but in the same breath, I want to try to find someone that adds to my life.
It’s a tough find. I trust no texting connections. You never know which way it is going to go. One thing for sure is I trust nothing
I don't have the ability or frankly the interest to dig into the why's of this but dang, all I see is a huge red flag. I mean, he sounds like a whole lot of fun - backing out last minute on a really great trip? Oh yeah, sign me up for some of that. I mean, it would be one thing if a true mental disorder would befall someone I'm already committed to and in love with. I would not abandoned them but as KML says, taking on someone with challenges like this... I mean, why? He's not yours to fix. I'd be really, really cautious.
"Massive red flag" may be blowing this out of proportion. kml said this MAY be a sign of extreme social anxiety or OCD, and if so the question is whether he's getting treated. I organize trips--about 20% drop trips they've paid for last-moment due to anxiety! For many, social anxiety is a temporary journey. I dabbled with it for 6mo a few years ago, so I can relate to canceling last minute. I get high event attendance rates via occasional check-ins with participants on their comfort levels.
The book "Attached" discusses ANXIOUS (20%) vs. AVOIDANT (25%) relationship attachment styles. They do poorly in relationships together, but often do well with SECURE (50%) people. As much as I've reduced my relationship anxiety, being in a relationship with someone who's feelz are consistent means I don't feel nor act anxious around my partner.
I don’t think he has social anxiety. Just generalized.
On a different note. I’ve been having some anxiety myself. Related to money. I’m feeling a little bit of the doom and gloom myself. I make sure I work at least one OT shift, plus my few hours of my work from home job every pay period. I quit getting my nails done. I rarely order out and I try to bring my lunch to work most days. I don’t go out with friends anymore unless it’s a work event that is paid for by our marketing partners. Every single purchase I make is made with thought and I get anxiety around every purchase. I feel guilt when I do buy something .
I am negative in my bank account until midnight when my paycheck goes in. I am on credit card debt. And this is all basically to live like a regular human raising another human.
Professional career means nothing. There is literally no way out of this. Can’t sell, can’t move, can’t nothing . I just have to keep my head above water and hope to pay my debt when I sell In a few years. If I had parents who lived close by and there were extra rooms, I would absolutely do it. This is why I don’t judge people who live at home around here. Being a single parent on one income is just impossible. I would D and I in a heartbeat in if I had the opportunity .
This keeps me up at night. I have no one to share the burden with . I have absolutely zero way out of this. Feeling like your drowning and no one to help keep you mentally afloat is just awful. I’ve been crying on and off all night. I worked a 10 hour day, got myself some sushi for $15 and felt guilty and awful. I even had my daughters friends mom take D to swim tonight because I was so tired and depressed . And I had to muster up energy to do house of chores .
I literally cannot remember one time in my almost 42 years I felt safe and like there was some smooth sailing even for a period of time. My life has never ever not been a struggle. I’m worn out.
Professional career means nothing. There is literally no way out of this. Can’t sell, can’t move, can’t nothing . I just have to keep my head above water and hope to pay my debt when I sell In a few years.
Have you explored options to tap into the equity in your home given it must have appreciated? Is cash out refinancing an option? Or a home equity loan? If you are house rich, it is not necessary to sell the house to get access to the equity in it.
This keeps me up at night. I have no one to share the burden with . I have absolutely zero way out of this. Feeling like your drowning and no one to help keep you mentally afloat is just awful. I’ve been crying on and off all night.
If you have not got back to IC, please do look into the same. I feel even a few sessions will be helpful to you given your current state of mind. If money is tight, perhaps there are options for free or subsidized help available?
I worked a 10 hour day, got myself some sushi for $15 and felt guilty and awful.
Don't feel guilty about these. Spending an extra $100 a month on occasional meals is unlikely to change your financial situation much. The $15 you save can easily be negated by an increase in the price of gas at the pump.
I literally cannot remember one time in my almost 42 years I felt safe and like there was some smooth sailing even for a period of time. My life has never ever not been a struggle. I’m worn out.
One thing you could maybe try is to drop the rope and stop trying to control everything. Take life one day at a time, one task at a time. Don't be focused on selling and moving years from now, assuming that is the only solution to fix the problems in your life. Focus on today, focus on now and do something productive that will put your life in better shape that it was earlier, however small that may be.
I like to think I'm excellent with money and its still hard here. No streaming services, lowest tier phone plan, lowest internet, extremely cheap electric, I conserve water, no debt other than mortgage, I stopped buying any organic foods for my kids, I dont date, dont drink or smoke, spend under $50 a month out with friends or kids per month, and its still not easy. We'll own nothing and be happy, or so the elite tell us. We are on our way there.
Professional career means nothing. - sadly most big companies treat underlings as mouth breathing peasants
There is literally no way out of this. Can’t sell, can’t move,- same
can’t nothing - can enjoy time with your D
I just have to keep my head above water and hope to pay my debt when I sell In a few years. - end is in sight
This keeps me up at night. I have no one to share the burden with . I have absolutely zero way out of this. Feeling like your drowning and no one to help keep you mentally afloat is just awful.
Not having someone to share the burden with is where you seem to get hit the most. I think you've the fortitude to get through this.
Well, I'm probably the last to be giving you any advice here actually as I'm full blown staring fate in the face telling it to F off long enough so that I can hopefully keep my kids alive while the country collapses. I feel you Ginger, it's not easy, its depressing, it feels hopeless and bleak, yet we will continue to survive. As exercise does for our bodies, so does mental and spiritual resistance strengthen the soul.
Have you thought about meeting with a debt counsellor. That may not be the right title but I know there are people who will sit down with you, look at what you make and what you owe and help you come up with a solid plan on how to get back in control of things. They can also sometimes get some of your debt forgiven. That’s the case in Canada anyway.
Also…I still think it is worth an straightforward conversation with your ex about your situation and how you absolutely need more help with expenses. Or a letter detailing what you need from him? IF he can afford to take her on 10+ vacations, he can afford to pay more support. (((HUGS)))
Have you thought about meeting with a debt counsellor. That may not be the right title but I know there are people who will sit down with you, look at what you make and what you owe and help you come up with a solid plan on how to get back in control of things. They can also sometimes get some of your debt forgiven. That’s the case in Canada anyway.
You have to be careful of things like this assuming you are talking about a "consumer proposal". It can be a way to get yourself out of an immediate crisis without bankruptcy but it kills your credit rating for an extended period of time - up to 6 years according to what I just looked up.
Ginger - sorry you are having a tough time of things on all sorts of levels. Hope you have a great time at that wedding. ((Ginger1))
If you've never looked at the Mr Money Mustache site, I recommend it. Go on the Forums, and you can post your "case report" (I think they call it something else, can't remember what) and people can give you all kinds of ideas on how to get to a better place financially. And I agree with asking your ex for more financial help - it's ridiculous how little he pays.
Thanks for the suggestions and feedback. I can’t really tap into the equity of my home because my credit achieve that they run isn’t quite where they want it to be. I have consolidated debt I had a year ago and am paying it off . Only I accumulated more. And It’s not on frivolous stuff. I’m not living on ramen over here, but I’m not a big spender at all. Once in a blue moon I say screw if and do something nice or fun because it’s just not going to change the financial situation, it’s really just cost of living is more than I make. Not much I can do about that. Except make more
Money at this point. And I already work OT.
That being said, our supervisor told us she is leaving today. She is having health issues and took a job close to home. If anyone recalls, this was the position people encouraged me to take when the last one retired, I didn’t pull the trigger and when I considers it, the spot was already filled by this person. Today upon the news, I had 2 people suggest I go for it.
I don’t know what to do. I am scared of rejection. I am
Scared of the change since I like my unit. Love working with my social worker everyday. It would definitely be more money. I don’t know what to do.
As far as my ex, I am not asking him for more money. He won’t give it to me. He nickels and dimes me. When we split some the big, it’s down to the cent. If we take our daughter to dinner, he splits the bill right down the middle. If I go through the courts I think at best I would get $50
More a month . Not worth it They live off of both of their salaries but child support is only figured off of his salary which is less than mine. So they get to vacation, not pay for nearly as much as I do and andhave 2 incomes contribute if towards the same mortgage amount , if not less than mine . I just got screwed in every way. He is the last place I can look for money. I’m not his problem and his daughter doesn’t lack anything, so why would he? I don’t think my struggle concerns him at all. Nor do I share them with him. The only time I ever would is when I can’t provide for our daughter. I still can, thankfully.
Everything just kind of stinks. Not much I can do about it. I’ve explored every avenue to solve my problems, but sometimes, there is not solution. I’ve just accepted it. I’ll work extra when I can, accept vacations and the frills are something i can’t have. At least my kid gets them with her dad and his wife, right?
Tomorrow is their 11th wedding anniversary. April fools.
Who would have thunk they would make it is far and I would still never have remarried and still be single and struggling? Crazy, isn’t it?
Lucky me.
Apply for the job! You can always turn it down if you decide you don't want to make the move, but at least apply! You have nothing to lose.
I agree…go for the job! You might find out through conversations that you can bargain for the higher pay your want along with any changes you think would improve the offer. What do you have to lose? If you don’t get it, you are where you are now right?
I know it can be scary. But you got this!
El
Ginger1,
I'm with kml and Elbereth on the job...go for it! I had a meeting with my director a month or two ago in which I told him I was happy with my current position and comfortable. He said he liked the happy but didn't like the comfortable, that growth comes from stretching out and being uncomfortable at times. I can understand why rejection could be scary or new responsibilities could be daunting, but more likely than not if you take a leap of faith you'll work through it to become comfortable in the new position plus reap the rewards of the higher pay and enhanced future career options.
As far as my ex, I am not asking him for more money. He won’t give it to me. He nickels and dimes me. When we split some the big, it’s down to the cent.
That stinks. You taking on the majority of raising your daughter and getting the absolute minimal contribution from ExH.
I’ll work extra when I can, accept vacations and the frills are something i can’t have. At least my kid gets them with her dad and his wife, right?
It's that double edged sword we were talking about previously. Happy for the best interest of the kids, but also personal hurt which can't be separated.
Tomorrow is their 11th wedding anniversary. April fools.
Who would have thunk they would make it is far and I would still never have remarried and still be single and struggling? Crazy, isn’t it?
Lucky me.
Ugh. Certainly not fair. I'm rooting for some karma, even if you won't for your daughter's sake.
Hey Ginger,
I left a job I liked for more money, moving in to a role I didn't like and it was a few years of awful. Just feelings wise it was depressing, boring, exhausting and I regret it until...the good side, I garnered so many skills and connections that I got in to a new sector and promoted to a better than original role. Still a corporate job but my God its far from as bad as my old role.
Back to you, and some things to think about:
What have others in the role said previously about the job?
Did they seem happy with it?
Would you regret the lost connections despite gaining new ones?
Is your current job fulfilling enough where a promotion out would ruin the feelings?
Is the job right for you for years to come?
Despite any discomfort from the role, would it be worth the gains?
In full man mode fixing feelings here....Finance ideas which I state for anyone interested, probably aware of many of these: switch to prepaid plans with your cell provider and save a fortune - my bill is under $35/month, never allow a credit card to charge interest, pay off your highest interest accruing debt when possible, cut streaming services-endless entertainment for free on rumble and Youtube, conserve electricity at home, find a cheaper gym, switch internet providers for a newbie discount, cut cable and house phones. All things that can help if they apply to you.
I'm lean as F financially right now. Still hard but it could be way worse. I leaned almonds, cashews and the like out of my diet and that alone was like $30 per month.
One time many years ago I left bedside for more money and change of schedule. D was like 2.5 my ex and I couldn’t make my 13 hour shifts work anymore . I had an opportunity come to me ( later I realized I was set up to fail) I made it 6 months and cried every day. It was management at a brand new facility that was a mess. I got myself laid off on purpose ( wanted me to sign a non-compete 6 months in and I said no). I was so miserable.
The plus side is this time I know my whole staff. I know my job very very well. My direct micromanaging report has chilled a bit and I think she has a respect for me. I’ll miss being off the floor and interacting with my nurses and doctors and therapists. I’ll really miss the interaction I think. But I would probably mold that position to be more on the floors and less in the office which hasn’t been done before. My goal would also to be to streamline. There are somethings we have been doing the same way for years because that’s how it’s been done. And it’s just extra unnecessary work. I am
Younger and fresher which would be helpful. I love am
Calm, I chose my battles and I know which hills to die on .
I won’t have to work holidays and weekends. I just don’t know if I am allowed to keep my other per diem job which I would really like to do. The money is middle management more which is probably not a whole lot more, but nonetheless more.
Im
Going to apply when the position becomes available. I have nothing to lose. You are all correct
I'm a day late and a dollar short, as usual, but I came to say I agree with the others in saying go for it because what do you have to lose and I see you have already agreed with that.
I know we work in different circles, but let me just say, I GET IT. I'm in the job market right now, though absolutely no fault on my part and it SUX. I totally get the rejection thing and I totally get not wanting to move on from something you enjoy. I do not want to leave where I am, but my sad reality is that, likely, in 2 months or less, the position I have won't even exist anymore. So I'm looking and I'm looking for things that are outside of my comfort zone. Rejection is real and scary, but I'd rather receive a rejection or 2 now, while I still have several months to look. I know our situations are different, but I still feel all that you are saying. I wish you luck and peace. You are good at what you do so hopefully those making the decisions will see that and you can embark on a new path that gives you a little breathing room financially.
Ginger,
I vote to apply for the job as well. It doesn't hurt to let them know that you are interested. Go for the interview and have your list of questions ready to ask.
As for your xh and his wife...they may be in debt up to their eyeballs. They may be the type of people that credit debt doesn't bother them since they are living paycheck to paycheck. I would not compare myself to them. You have been carrying the load financially for a long time in your household and have managed to keep afloat and yes, spend money for the extras for your daughter in the process. Don't be too hard on yourself. In today's market, it's difficult not to have debt with the way that inflation is going up and up.
Definitely apply Ginger. Can’t hurt. Nothing says you have to accept it if they offer it to you and you decide against it. Also…I’m a big proponent of going to interviews for practice. That way, when a job comes along that you really want, you are good to go. (((HUGS)))
I had a fun wedding weekend away. It was a beautiful wedding, lots of fun, danced all night. They wrote their own vows and they were to sweet. I always listen very closely to them. They love and accept everything they are, their quirks and love that they both unapologetically themselves. It was beautiful. That’s what I realize I have always been afraid of. Being unapologetically myself because no one has really been able to love every part of me. I want someone to love the bad, good , annoying, flawed parts of me .
I was at the wedding with coworkers and I didn’t even mention applying for the position, but they all told me I should on their own will. I’m going to apply. If I do actually get it, the salary is going to have to be enough to make it worth it, because I think I might have to give up my other position.
D leaves Thursday for vacation. I’ve got a week to myself. Having dinner Friday night with a friend. Otherwise, I really just want to focus on house stuff and hit the gym, do some yoga, go in a hike and start working on my lawn if the weather permits
Glad you had fun at the wedding, and enjoy your upcoming break from parenting!
Thanks KML! It was a really good time. And I’m going to miss the little Pain in the butt, but I will enjoy just taking care of me for a week. I, of course, volunteered to fil in for a sick call at my job this upcoming Sunday. God forbid I take time for myself! But I need the money. I am also going to talk to my boss tomorrow about applying for the position.
I’m other news, I realize I am completely jinxed in the area of dating. The guy my coworker set me up with, her son. Well, he told me tonight that he is an ex heroin addict.
His mom certainly didn’t mention that. I don’t even know what to do or what to say.
Even getting set up by a coworker and this is what what I get.
Might as well just go back on tinder
Well now!
Although I will say, some of the nicest people I’ve ever met were EX-heroin addicts. Nonetheless, you need and deserve someone who doesn’t bring up your childhood trauma.
It’s perfectly okay to say “look, I have family trauma around an addicted parent who died. Please don’t take this personally, but I just don’t think I can handle the things this would stir up for me”.
I’m trying to be understanding. I’m just a little miffed that she made a point of making sure I’m OK with the medical marijuana but left out ex heroin addict. It’s kind of big.
He’s a nice guy. But I know the stats on heroin addicts. Relapse rate is extremely high. And with my mothers addiction history, I just don’t know if I can see something like that happen again, or worry about it Happening. I have to digest it.
My luck in dating hasn’t been so great. Bipolar and ex heroin addict in the last 6 months. Sometimes I think the universe is telling me to just stop trying already
He may be a nice guy, and ex-addicts certainly deserve love too. If it was two years from ages 20-22 I'd probably not be too concerned. But nonetheless - YOU don't have to take this on. YOUR family history makes this especially problematic for YOU and you don't have to nice yourself into dating someone if it's going to be a problem for you with your history. And you can present it to him that way too. It's not about him, it's about the way his history interacts with your childhood trauma. It's okay to say no on that basis alone. And if he can't be understanding of that, you wouldn't have wanted to date him anyway.
Wow, where to start. Guess here. Finally I can again agree with much of what KML is saying. That used to be a common occurrence pre crazy world but not so much since. This time though she brings up some good points. I guess I’m not sure that your family history is as pertinent to this as HIS history is but good points.
On the plus side, “heroin addict” is not even close to meaning today what it did in the 70s. Far, far too many people who could never fathom using heroin found themselves doing just that. The huge majority stated with prescription pills - many prescribed for legit reasons. Everyone was sold a bill of goods by “the experts” (see a theme there) claiming opioids were safe and would not cause addiction. Which has kicked off death and destruction above and beyond Covid - just over a longer time frame. So then pills and legit prescriptions dried up but addiction did not. Millions have then found themselves using heroin.
You are very correct on the relapse rate. First year is as high as 90% unless put on medication. Even then it’s 50%. 12 step rarely works for opioids. So his chance of relapse at 6 months is big. He probably should not even be dating for another 6 months. He likely was self medicating his anxiety which he now self medicates with weed. He’s high risk at least now.
He may be a great guy and with opioid addiction through the roof recovering addicts are everywhere. “Taking a chance” on someone 5 or even 3 years in remission without relapse is not out of the question but 6 months to me is not even a close call. Don’t do it.
The other bigger picture here is what’s going on behind the scenes. I said last week how sadly many set ups by well meaning friends don’t take into account a potential match or common interests, or shared values. Top of the list is they are both single. You’ve got to keep that in mind. But beyond that in this case, this is mommy trying to help her boy be happy. She never gave it a thought the potential cost to you. This was no different than, “I’ve got the perfect guy for the job opening you have.” It’s rarely based (by a family or friend) on qualifications, work ethics, drive, etc. it’s based mostly on the friend or family member needs a job! He needs a GF and she sees you as someone that could really help him get his life back in line and make him happy. She didn’t care if she put you at risk. Either that or she’s in denial and codependent.
Sadly Ginger this is no friend. Friends don’t do this. Again I get it, it’s her child. Just have to be weary of these setups. Not to say don’t do them. Just need to treat them like any other stranger or yes exactly like a tinder match. In some ways it’s worse. At least on Tinder you are very careful. But when it’s a known person, the benefit of the doubt pops in.
At least he told you. That tells me he’s more serious about recovery. That’s a plus. I’d for sure ask mommy why she would do this to you. Why put you at risk like this? Of course that’s me. Just at least don’t trust this lady again. She’s not looking out for your best interest - she’s only looking out for hers and her sons. This is like selling you a used car that she knows has problems - but she needs the money and you need a car. Sometimes people suk.
Don’t give up on setups. You just need to be aware of them as much as you’re aware of OLD and the real truths with it.
Don, I think Ginger has dated someone with BPD and now the ex-heroin addict within the last 6 months. I don't see that this person was actively using 6 months ago, am I reading this correctly?
Either way, G, your trigger points are highly likely to be activated unintentionally by this guy. I'd take a hard pass. If he was an ex user 20 years ago, that's one thing, but still, what's his life like now? I know people who have been clean for nearly 40 years and still dope fiend others without owning it or perhaps realizing it themselves. Hard pass.
Apply for the job then decide if you want to take it. Keep your options open.
As for dating, activities that you enjoy will also attract other like-minded souls.
xoxo
Don, I think Ginger has dated someone with BPD and now the ex-heroin addict within the last 6 months. I don't see that this person was actively using 6 months ago, am I reading this correctly?
If this is true I apologize. I thought he was only clean for 6 months. If it’s 6 years it can be a very different story. If 40 years, I mean, c’mon. Relationships have risk. Anything can happen to anyone.
Someone can develop a new addiction. They can receive a devastating diagnosis like in KMLs case. They can receive a head injury and drastically change their personality. If we are going to eliminated people for something 25 years ago we are going to eliminate a whole lot of people. Who will be left? We need to be reasonable.
The very best predictor of future behavior is their recent, relevant past behavior. What has gone on in the last 5 years is likely to continue. If the last 5 years have included active addiction that is likely to continue. The same goes for sobriety. Likewise I would not be nearly as harsh on this guys mother if he’s been sober for 10 years. It was the recentness of it all that set me off on mom.
Bottom line, no one is going to be perfect and without risk. If we eliminate everyone for anything in the past 40 years we are going to be alone. No one is without baggage or risk. It’s how they have dealt with it in recent years that means the most - and that includes addiction.
I just found the relapse rate after 5 years clean and it’s very low. My logical side this is not a dealbreaker, having never been nor dated an addict.
I do get and agree with what kml is saying, Ginger, that your baggage may make it right for you to reject an otherwise great guy because hearing his past may trigger you
I have no idea how long he has been clean. We are going to have a phone call to talk about that stuff. My mother was clean for nearly 10 years. One big life event through her over the edge. And that was cocaine, not heroin. I’m willing to hear him out.
As far as his mom. Yes, I realize I was not in mind and the only thing she wants is a good stable woman for his son. That’s her perspective. He literally just moved out from being back at home for 5 years. She’s not my friend, just a coworker and I think my best interest absolutely didn’t cross her mind.
As far as our compatibility even goes we are pretty opposite . He drives a truck, goes home, has jo responsibilities. Isn’t active except for half of his job ( delivers lumber). We lead pretty different lives. Mine is insanely busy, his isn’t. He’s a nice guy for sure, my physical attraction level to pictures is not up there. I absolutely believe that recovering addicts are deserving of love. I believe they can and are great people. One of the toughest things anyone will ever do is overcome addiction. I have much much respect for that.
Yes, the last guy I dated was bipolar . It’s like the universe is trying to get me to date my mother ? I just don’t know if I am emotionally and mentally equipped to deal with this sort of baggage due to my own. I can’t say I even want to, even if that sounds awful.
I’m not taking care of myself lately. It’s taking a toll on me. I can’t sustain 6 days per week working. I get no chance to take part in any of my hobbies. I get one day off and I have to catch up on house work. I generally have no quality of life right now. I need this to change soon.
I approached the big boss with my interest in the position today. She was supportive and she smiled and she was very honest with me regarding the position and what we don’t see and she also knows I have a very good relationship with my coworkers and did tell me that would likely change. Which I knew. She wants me to apply , the position would be posted next week. I was honest and I told her I considered it 2 years ago when it became available, but I didn’t feel ready then, but I feel ready now. It’s a big step. But I think it would be a good one in so many ways.
I’d absolutely regret not applying. Time for some growth.
This is where I am at. D is leaving for vacation tomorrow. I have plans Friday and Saturday night. And I know I am so burnt out, I actually want to cancel them. I need a weekend away alone. I’ll never get it, but I need it
I just don’t know if I am emotionally and mentally equipped to deal with this sort of baggage due to my own. I can’t say I even want to, even if that sounds awful.
It's not awful to say that - it's honest, and it's a healthy boundary for you. It's ok to say no!!!!
nope, not awful - healthy boundaries and authentically being yourself. i've come to realize that a huge reason i've been meh about "K" is that I'm never sure when he's authentically himself or showing off or people pleasing. All's good, GF
My mother was clean for nearly 10 years. One big life event through her over the edge. And that was cocaine, not heroin. I’m willing to hear him out.
This example is probably the highest risk - for anyone. Addition can often be managed when things are going well but when a huge life event hits, it can really screw things up. I have a friend who did great in recovery from alcohol and also cocaine. He had I think 14 years. Then his fiancé broke up with him blind side bomb drop style (would have been his 4th wife) and that sent him right back to drinking. His rationale? Well coke was his real issue so drinking is not the same thing. Um, okay.
OUD (opioid use disorder) can be really, really hard to treat. Five years is a great milestone but no guarantee - especially if under the age of 30. (I realize this guy is older) I had to count my years, I think it's 12.5 but that was not heroin or IV opioids but I have to be vigilant for the rest of my life whether oxy or H. Thing is, my addiction is probably on the lower end of concerns with dating me honestly it is.
I don't know this guy from Adam but from what you are saying, it almost seems like you guys are not a match if his heroin history was not even an issue. If you are different people and you don't think physical attraction is not there, it won't matter what his history is. I know you want to cut people slack and are trying to be realistic - and that's good. But just don't lower the bar too far. Living at home for 5 years as an adult is a bigger red flag to me than previous H addiction is. Then not a lot of ambition - something many daily pot users have in common, it just is, plus sounds very unmotivated, (again daily weed) has this social or whatever type of anxiety. OMG, he can't fit any list of traits you've got to be looking for. I mean, "If only I could find someone who smokes pot daily, lives with his mom, doesn't have much of a career, has social anxiety and is a recovering addict, I'd find my dream man" SAYS NO ONE! Or at least I sure hope so.
And I again agree with KML and Butterfly - you're being honest. It really is okay to say no. It's a balance of keeping options open and an open mind but also keeping your standards high. Why does this guy sound like a different version of M? I just get that vibe.
You deserve a good guy Ginger if not a great guy. A guy who has his sht together. A guy who is driven, motivated, hard working, smart, accomplished, in addition to kind, funny, fun and into you. Something tells me mama's boy is not him. Wish he was. I think he may be single for a reason.
Hi Ginger,
I have plans Friday and Saturday night. And I know I am so burnt out, I actually want to cancel them. I need a weekend away alone. I’ll never get it, but I need it
Just an idea…see what the promotion would look like, benefits wise. Will you get more money and more vacation time? You may be able to negotiate increased vacation time as part of your negotiations. Or, at the very least, you can always work in taking a much needed vacation into the job acceptance. I’ve already had vacations scheduled when starting a new job and just told them that was the case when they made me an offer. As long as they can plan for it, maybe you take that much needed break before you would start the new role…especially if you get a bonus or the pay increase would help you to feel like you could manage it.
Taking some much needed and deserved time for yourself would also be an investment into your future and in your health. You work so hard and have been stretched thin for so long. I hope that the new opportunity will lead to increased pay so that you can take some much needed time off for yourself.
El
I wrote a post and it disappeared so this one will be the abbreviated version
Elbreth, i am definitely going for this new position. Everyone knows it, everyone wants me to. I don’t think that means I’ll get it though. But I’ll try. It has to be financially worth me losing my second position . ( which I worked today and was exhausting. Busy day) I also already have lots and lots of vacation time as my hospital system is generous and k have been with them over 5 years. I just never take time. I carry over time every year. I lost time 2 years ago by not taking it. I’m doing better taking it this year, and In the summer k am
Taking a good amount of long weekends.
d14 is away in San Diego. She went through he ll. Delayed and cancelled first flight then had to drive to Boston to catch a plane the next day ( that’s almost 4 Horus away) . I think she misses me already. She calls me multiple times per day. She took my strawberry picking through FaceTime yesterday. She said good night, I love you 😘😘” last night . Texted me throughout the day today and took pictures and sent them to me at the owner fields she was at. I feel like she wants me to be apart of these experiences. And I am happy to be in the way that I am.
I had a date after work tonight. From bumble. We went to a brewery. He’s my age. No kids. Divorced. Wouldn’t let me buy a drink. Spoke of our second date a half hour into our first. He wants kids thigh. We talked about it. He accepts that may never happen, but a family is a desire of his. I told him I 100000% want no more kids. He wants to continue to get to know me . I think he was a little drunk, lll. He actually bought me beer from the brewery to go. I tried to lay the whole time, he wouldn’t let me. So us women aren’t just looking for a free ride, FYI. We hugged goodbye, but honestly I can’t tell you when I last wanted to kiss someone kna nicest date .definitely not since last year:
I feel like I have been on a zillion dates. I am more detached and uninterested as time goes on. 40’s is the hardest time to date for sure when you have a teenager and don’t want another kid.
It is just so depressing
I tried to lay the whole time, he wouldn’t let me.
Funny how one small typo can change the entire meaning of a sentence
So us women aren’t just looking for a free ride, FYI.
It is very hard for a guy to know if a woman is being genuine or it is just a test. In many cases, the woman is not happy if the guy let's her pay on the first date even when the woman insists. If he does not come across as misogynistic or sexist based on other interactions, I would ignore the fact that he did not let you pay.
I am more detached and uninterested as time goes on. 40’s is the hardest time to date for sure when you have a teenager and don’t want another kid.
It is just so depressing
It is an unfortunate consequence of having standards
But being detached and single is still better than lowering your standards and being miserable in a bad relationship
Ginger1,
It's wonderful you and your daughter have such a good relationship that she calls and includes you in her experiences even when you can't be there. I bet the "good night I love you" text filled your heart to the brim. You must be an incredible mother.
On the work / vacation front...instead of losing or carrying time over I would it your employer might consider paying some of it out? My company allows employees to sell up to 80 hours a year. If so that might help your financial strain.
Sorry for the dating frustration. Hang in there.
The flower fields! Your daughter is down the street from me!
As for the date - were you not attracted to him, or are you just writing him off because he wants kids?
(P.S. Let the guy pay if he offers! Especially if he refuses your offer to split. )
Glad your d is enjoying her vacation and sharing her time with you.
(((G)))) not really sure what to say, but big hugs, prayers, positive vibes. Hang in there!
Hi Ginger,
If I understand correctly, he had a preference for kids and you told him "no", but the preference wasn't so strong and he wanted another date and to get to know you better.
Will Ginger finally go on a second date? (:
D went to sea world yesterday and dad bought the opportunity for the both of them to swim with the beluga whales. She loved it. She’s having a really nice time. I am glad she gets these experiences. I’m a little salty I can’t be the one to give them to her, but this is the way it is. I for sure miss her and I look forward to her coming home. I’m glad she wants to include me through pictures and FaceTime. The house is quiet though. I talk to the dog a lot, lol. We go for a walk every day the weather permits and today is gorgeous.
As far as this guy. He ideally wants a family. Accepts that might not be in the cards at his age. When he said he was open to not having kids, he said “so, does that go in reverse for you? You would be open to kids?” I said absolutely not. I told him I loved raising my daughter, I wanted more kids but it didn’t happen, and I got the privilege of loving my exBF’s kid, but I am 100000% percent done.
Sure, he wants to get to know me better. I’m pretty sure until the opportunity comes along where someone who wants and can have a family with him comes along. Will there be a second date? Who knows. He told me he wanted one, where he would take me as well, but hasn’t asked. We exchange a text or 2 day, but he is a poor text communicator .
Am I attracted? I haven’t been attracted to anyone since the one guy I went on 5 dates with. We quite a chemistry. He was 5’7 with a dad bod and not someone you see and say “that guy is hot!” But to me, he was. The phenomenons were there and he’s the best kisser ever.
Anyways. I can’t attracted to anyone. This guy was better in the looks department than the others, but eh. No one can get my engines revving anymore. I don’t know what has happened to me. I swear, a part of me is dead and it would take someone super special to it back.
I went out with a guy I knew like 10 years ago ( friend of a friends husband) and it didn’t work. He still wanted that family and didn’t want someone with kids. Tried again 2 years ago, and I think we both got so jaded that both of us wanted the other to make the real effort. But we had been burned too many times. He texted me the other day with a picture of the restaurant he took me on our first date of the second try. He’s almost 50 and it never worked out for him. We are both perpetually single. He owns a house, takes himself on nice vacations. Stable fruitful job. I dunno. Maybe we should just give in and marry eachother.
Yes I have a lot of first dates and not many second. Sure, it makes me sad.
The manager job has been posted. She wants to start interviews this week. I’m going to apply tonight . I’m scared for so many reasons. But I have to try.
Something needs to change, that’s for sure
I applied yesterday and I had my interview today . I think my interview went well. She did stress a few things. 1) she knows I have solid relationships with my coworkers in and out of work and that those will change. 2) it’s a 24/7 job where there are a lot of phone calls and stuff to be done outside working hours.
Both I though long and hard about. Yes. My relationships will change. That’s probably the toughest for me. I hope to take the good relationships I have with my coworkers professionally to implement change and have them trust me. I will very much
It’s doing the events we do with our marketing partners. I have to stand back from those. Not easy.
The plus is, I’m mostly friendly with the social workers and I won’t be their managers so that will stay pretty solid. The case manager friendships I have outside of work are solid.
Not being on a nursing unit will be hard for me. I love my unit. I love the interaction. But I did say I want to make the position more hands on and have a stronger presence on the units rather than just in the office
She said she had one other interview. She wants to make a decision soon so training can start while the other manager is still here. I think I’ll know by next week.
I’m scared. Not of not getting it, because I am cool in my present position. But if I get it. The changes that will come.
I am only going to take it if the money is right and I won’t have to struggle without a second position.
D is coming home tomorrow morning. Can’t wait to see her I am working Easter because I volunteered because I don’t celebrate. Atleast I have tomorrow night and Saturday with the kiddo.
Change is a little uncomfortable. But like I said to my boss/ interviewer. I adapt very easily to change because nothing in my personal or professional life has ever been easily predictable. Pretty nothing in my life I ever imagine working in a certain way has.
What will be will be.‘I’m going to trust the universe
Ginger1,
Any news on the job offer?
Hi BL! I haven’t heard anything yet. I imagine by the end of the week. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
I’m scared. Not of not getting it, because I am cool in my present position. But if I get it. The changes that will come.
Oh how I know EXACTLY how that feels. My thoughts and prayers are with you, my friend. I have very recently been in the same boat you are in at the moment (although the root causes were different), so I empathize. I'm sure you did well and would be a great asset to the position. My fingers are crossed for you.
D- thank you for the thoughts and prayers. I know you are going to embrace your new job and position and give it your all. Change can be scary, questioning whether it is the right move or not, but it’s something to embrace
I had a pretty weird day and not in a good way. First I woke up with vertigo. It’s happened to me once before. It’s awful. Eventually it went away by like 2pm. Then. I walk into work. heroin guy’s mom and dad work at my hospital. As I’m walking in I see his dad. Super friendly guy, he doesn’t know who I am yet in relation to his son yet. His dad is joking around with me saying let’s ditch this place, the weather is too nice. He then asks my name and I tell him. He realized who I was. And brings me in for a hug! He goes on and says he hopes me and his son hang out soon and that he’s a great guy and blah blah blah. This is really hard. I work Im a hospital where everyone knows everyone. I will never sh!t where I eat again. This really stinks all around. I have to figure this out.
Then. One of my coworkers found out who the other interview was. And I was crushed. I didn’t expect it to be that person. She works in our department but isn’t a case manager . She doesn’t know the job like o do, but she would make a great manager. My competition is really stiff. I honestly think she is going to beat me out. While I had coworkers who personally asked me to apply because they think I would be great, I also found out 2 coworkers don’t want me to lose my position because they hate doing weekends and they know I will do them.
And just then when I realized I likely won’t get it, I realized I really want it. Not only for the new opportunity which I’m excited about, but I can’t lie. Not working a million days a week and making enough money in one job was something that I need in my life. I can’t sustain this anymore.
I was feeling really hopeful a positive change was coming. I needed something. I could almost taste it. And now, I feel so sad. Definitely down in the dumps today and I ate a lot of carbs, which I never do anymore. But they made me feel a little better, lol
(((G)))
Listen, I get it. More than you can even imagine. Don't doubt yourself. If you went in there and feel good about how you did, hang on to that. Do NOT compare yourself to the other person because you only know what you know outside of the interview. Maybe she did great too, but maybe she didn't. You have a lot of positive qualities and if this is meant to be your job, it will be regardless of who else interviewed. Cut yourself a little slack and just take solace in the fact that you did the best you could and it is no in the hands of the decision maker.
As far as the coworkers who don't want you to leave your current position because you are willing to cover shifts they don't want to, well, that's bull. That's a p!ss poor reason to root against someone and it sounds like they are selfish.
Hang in there, G. Good stuff is totally coming your way....just may not be in the form you envisioned.
What Dawn said…100%. Don’t count yourself out yet. Even if you don’t get it, now you know that as much as you like your job, you want to find a better-paying position with more responsibilities. This won’t be the only job that comes up. Years ago, I panelled for a job that I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted. I didn’t get it but what I did get was the experience of the interview and a better idea of how to prepare for the next one. A few months later, another position came up that I really wanted and I got it. I think it was because I had already been through a similar interview prior and was better prepared. Sometimes we don’t get what we want because there is something better coming along. Keep the faith G!!! Good things are coming your way!!!
Hi G, quick pop in. First of all, stop stressing about the son of the woman and man you work with. It is not a good idea. Be honest. Tell her that you do not want to go out with someone related to people you work with. End of story. I would say it sooner rather than later and get that out of your head. It isnt right to make them think there is still a possibility.
As far as the job, dont put negative thoughts out to the universe. I believe if it is meant for you at this time, it will happen.
Love ya.