7 1/2 years later...I'm trying

[mvg]

Good morning everyone,

This is a long post, but it's my first in a long time and have been struggling lately.

Single parenting is incredibly lonely. Prior to meeting my XW, I never imagined divorce in my life. After the divorce, I never thought I'd be 7 1/2 years in and still alone. To be fair, I've dated a few really great women over the years, but logistics, etc. doesn't make it easy. I've been the primary parent (M-F + one weekend a month + sports on weekends) for almost all of my divorced life and while it has created an amazing bond between me and my two boys, it's also left me with 7 1/2 years of lonely "adult" memories. What I mean by that is, I've had 7 1/2 years of birthdays, holidays, first and last days of school, stomach bugs, swim meets, field trips, late night wake ups and everything in between, without another adult to share those experiences with. Not only are the big things lonely, but the day to day stuff is emotionally and physically draining. Simple stuff like, daily homework, dinner, laundry, practices, all while working a FT job and two PT jobs seems almost impossible on some days.

Why am I sharing this here? A few reasons. I don't think my situation is special, or unique. I'm confident that someone reading this is going through the same thing and would like to know that they aren't alone.

The main reason however, is this. Dating over the last 7+ years has shown me that most divorces are somewhat amicable and that most people I've met, actually want to have a healthy co-parenting relationship with their ex. For me, and I imagine many here, our situation is the exact opposite. I am still just as much hated, if not more, as I was during my marriage and since D Day. XW still takes me to mediation to argue extremely mundane and irrelevant details, still counts hours, still sends me harassing texts, etc etc. The women I've dated, including the woman I'm currently dating, were and are wonderful women. They care deeply for their children and have fantastic co-parenting relationships with their exes. (I'd argue maybe a little too good sometimes). They coach teams together, share birthday dinners together, communicate daily about the lives and what's going on of the kids, etc. When one of the kids has a good day, the other parent is involved and both parents get to share the moment and create a memory. It's awesome and to be honest, makes me incredibly sad and jealous.

I spend more time than I'd like to admit, wondering what life looks like for me moving forward. My oldest son is halfway through middle school, about to be a teenager. It saddens me that his "child" childhood years are over and I never got to spend a Christmas morning with a partner. The next few years with him are going to be challenging for him and our family, as they are with every teenager since forever. I'm starting to see it already with the increase in homework. He and I spend at least an hour each night going over stuff, taking away from my younger son and everything else going on.

I see other divorced parents sharing this load, constantly. Divorced parents each drive one kid to practice, help pick one up, etc. WAW want nothing to do with this. My XW lives 20 minutes away and only shows up to pick the kids up on Friday for the weekend. Come Saturday, I'm exhausted.

I'm happily "stuck" in town until my youngest graduates HS, in ten years. Anyone I've dated is in the same boat. They're stuck where they are. Only difference is, they've all had a partner. Yes, an ex, but a partner regardless. It's hard feeling like there's room for me and my boys in a new life with someone, I don't know what that looks like. The women I've met, as I said, are still very much in a family with their kids and their ex. My boys and I are all we have. Yes, it's wonderful, we are so close, but you know what I mean.

So that's where's my head has been for a few years. If you've read this far, I appreciate it. I hope someone reading this can relate to what I'm talking about. Thank you.

-mvg

[LH19]

MVG,

I can tell you that about 75% of the women I have dated are in your boat where they are doing 80%-100% of the child responsibilities. Very few have amicable co-parenting situations with their exs. Hope that helps.

[mvg]

It sounds like I've met those very few! I appreciate the reply, thank you.

[Traveler]

@LH, if one attracts what they put out, you have hard feelings about your ex and you've met few with amicable co-parenting relationships. I co-parent with my ex and so do most I date. Then again, most i date have been D'd a long time.

---

@mvg, I'm 11 years post-D. I called my ex yesterday to share the pain of staying up past midnight studying with my D, and the joy of her being happy she got 100% on her test. I hear you our ex's will get more out of an anecdote like that.

I am still just as much hated, if not more, as I was during my marriage and since D Day.

How do you feel about her? You're 7.5yrs out--high time to bury any hatcher YOU have! That's the part YOU control in making your relationship amicable. I've written before that it took years for me to bury my hatchet. But, 11yrs out, we're friends and co-parent. If you began burying the hatchet now, perhaps you'll be on good terms for those crucial 16-18y/o years.

Do you have friends who are single parents? I've had friends over for 3 of my last 6 Christmas Eve's. I get you want to share Christmas morning, but that comraderie and sharing the night before and plans for the morning was something. Unlike your ex, they probably can relate to staying up until midnight studying with their kids to help them do well on a test.

I was a primary custody dad, too. I agree with LH, there are more primary custody moms. I think that's why I have more female friends than male ones. Their life journeys align with mine. I met some as the only dad room parenting. I'm working now on making more male friends who can relate to other aspects of life on life's journey of personal growth.

1 FT job and 2 PT jobs and parenting the week. That in itself sounds exhausting!

[kml]

Yeah, mvg, let's talk about that full time job and the two part time jobs. Is there any way to change that? Can you get a raise or a promotion in your FT job so that you don't have to work the two part time jobs anymore? Could you downsize your lifestyle to make that happen? Or do you have an extra bedroom that you could rent out to a grandmotherly type in exchange for help with things like laundry and cooking, to free up more time?

I assume you don't have any family near that could take the boys for a weekend or give you some help in the evenings?

And while you talk about your envy of people who have a functioning coparent, how has your situation affected the women you date? Is it actually an issue for them? What's the current girlfriend like?

[kml]

Also - how did you end up with so much custody? Did your ex just let it fall off because of her Covid concerns, or did you have to get lawyers involved because of her neglect? Either way, I'm glad the boys are mostly with you, it sounded unhealthy for them over there.

[mvg]

@traveler. I've been trying to have a good relationship with her for 20 years . I've invited her and OM (now husband) to my house, to the summer pool where our boys swim, to scout camping trips, etc. They've never come, not once, in 7 years. I bend over backwards to be friends with them...doesn't work, at at some point, pride kicks in. I'm not going to beg someone to be friendly.

@KML I keep the PT jobs bc I've had them both for 11 years, and in the turmoil of FT jobs, they've always been there when I needed them. It's one of those things where if I leave it, (adjunct professor & freelance production) they will find someone else to fill it and then if I ever need it, well, out of luck. My mom is close by but is busy taking care of my step dad (had a stroke) and with covid, neither of them were anywhere near us for almost 2 years. SD's dad died recently so they are both really busy.
I've thought about hiring someone from 3-5ish during the week, I haven't pulled the trigger on it yet bc most days, they'd probably be sitting around doing nothing. It's the random, unexpected stuff that pops up almost every week that I wish I had someone for.
My situation hasn't worked for women without kids (totally understandable and frankly, I'm usually not interested in women without kids) and for women with kids, it's been great on paper until they realize what it is in reality. Current GF is a bit different. I never really saw a long term future with anyone I've dated, always just chalked it up to my lifestyle, being the type of dad I am, etc etc. Turns out, I was wrong, it was just the wrong person. The issue though, as I said, is she is very much still in a family while I am not.

[LH19]

@LH, if one attracts what they put out, you have hard feelings about your ex and you've met few with amicable co-parenting relationships. I co-parent with my ex and so do most I date. Then again, most i date have been D'd a long time.

Uuuummm I co-parent the same as you CW/Traveler.

[LH19]

The issue though, as I said, is she is very much still in a family while I am not.

This is interesting MVG. I believe AnotherStander and Ginger (playing Mario kart) are the only ones who do family things together here.

[mvg]

@kml Years ago, XW went through the calendar, day by day, hour by hour (literally with a spreadsheet of "awake" and "asleep" hours) to make sure it's technically 50-50 to the hour, over the calendar year, NOT the school year. So during the summer, she gets extra time, etc, but has zero responsibility when it comes to the school week/year (homework, lunches, playing, sports, bedtimes, etc)

[mvg]

@LH19 I think it's healthy? For her kids? Yes? I have no idea. I realize that this is totally on me, that my jealousy and probable insecurity with it has nothing to do with her at all. I get that. It just [censored] watching the person you want to share your life with, struggles and all, get to share it with their ex. Meanwhile, my ex told S11 a few weeks ago about a bad math test score, "You and daddy can figure it out, you're with him during the week"

[LH19]

@LH19 I think it's healthy? For her kids? Yes?

I don't disagree with that.

[Traveler]

@traveler. I've been trying to have a good relationship with her for 20 years . I've invited her and OM (now husband) to my house, to the summer pool where our boys swim, to scout camping trips, etc. They've never come, not once, in 7 years. I bend over backwards to be friends with them...doesn't work, at at some point, pride kicks in. I'm not going to beg someone to be friendly.

That makes sense. If there's no obvious issue, e.g. the custody schedule, it sounds like you've done what's reasonably within your power to repair the relationship. Some people are just contrary.

The issue though, as I said, is she is very much still in a family while I am not.

I'm going to say something to you I wish someone told me years ago. You ARE in a family. YOUR FAMILY consists of YOU and YOUR KIDS. Once upon a time, you may have had a fantasy that your family would be 4 loving grandparents, 2 loving parents, your wife, your 2.5 kids, and Lassie. Your family looks different. It's still a family. If you need other examples of non-nuclear families, watch Guardians of the Galaxy or The Eternals or Cruella or Encanto. Some of these are even good movies, and movies your kids may enjoy. Warning - The Eternals drags a bit, especially for younger kids.

Is it your life situation sinking your relationships, or your desire for your partner to fill that nuclear family HOLE in your soul? In the past, I put pressure on my partners to fill that role. It's taken a long time to appreciate that what I have is complete and special, and to appreciate the people I date for what unique things they happen to add to my life. Because if my life is complete solo, anything they do happen to add is a boost beyond what I had before. (:

[Traveler]

This is interesting MVG. I believe AnotherStander and Ginger (playing Mario kart) are the only ones who do family things together here.

I do family things together with my ex sometimes! No Mario Kart, though.

[LH19]

I'm going to say something to you I wish someone told me years ago. You ARE in a family. YOUR FAMILY consists of YOU and YOUR KIDS. Once upon a time, you may have had a fantasy that your family would be 4 loving grandparents, 2 loving parents, your wife, your 2.5 kids, and Lassie. Your family looks different. It's still a family. If you need other examples of non-nuclear families, watch Guardians of the Galaxy or The Eternals or Cruella or Encanto. Some of these are even good movies, and movies your kids may enjoy. Warning - The Eternals drags a bit, especially for younger kids.

Is it your life situation sinking your relationships, or your desire for your partner to fill that nuclear family HOLE in your soul? In the past, I put pressure on my partners to fill that role. It's taken a long time to appreciate that what I have is complete and special, and to appreciate the people I date for what unique things they happen to add to my life. Because if my life is complete solo, anything they do happen to add is a boost beyond what I had before. (:

CWs this may have been your best post ever.

[LH19]

This is interesting MVG. I believe AnotherStander and Ginger (playing Mario kart) are the only ones who do family things together here.

I do family things together with my ex sometimes! No Mario Kart, though.

First I have heard of this CW. Please give examples.

[mvg]

@traveler. You are 100% right and I'm very much aware of that. I've been a single parent since my youngest was 1 year old, it's lonely and exhausting. Yes, my boys and I are very much a family, but you know what I mean. I very much want a partner to share my awesome life with. My life with the boys is great, it really is, but an adult partner to share it with is something I really want and it took me a long time to say that out loud with out feeling needy or guilty.

[kml]

What about hiring a high school kid to come in the afternoons and do laundry or watch the kids while you run an errand or help them with their homework? Or at least hiring a cleaning lady to come in twice a month to take that off your plate?

As for the current girlfriend - are you really just jealous that she has a coparent to share the load, or are you suspicious that she's not done with her ex? Does she help with your kids when hers are at her ex's, or are you not at that point in the relationship yet where you're introducing her into your kids' lives?

[LH19]

@traveler. You are 100% right and I'm very much aware of that. I've been a single parent since my youngest was 1 year old, it's lonely and exhausting. Yes, my boys and I are very much a family, but you know what I mean. I very much want a partner to share my awesome life with. My life with the boys is great, it really is, but an adult partner to share it with is something I really want and it took me a long time to say that out loud with out feeling needy or guilty.

MVG I think I am confused. I thought you were talking about having an amicable co-parenting arrangement with your exw. Now I am not so sure.

[mvg]

A few weeks ago I started to think about hiring someone in the afternoon, especially when S11 started to bring home real homework and needed 1:1 attention. I started with a cleaning company about a two years ago, 2x a month, that helped for sure.

She's had 7 years divorced, just like me. I think any jealousy I may have that she's not done with him is probably my own stuff to deal with from my XW, so I dismiss it (or try to) pretty quickly. I don't think I have the skills to decipher between a good co-parenting relationship and "too much" if that makes sense. She doesn't only bc our schedules don't really line up that way and also, her schedule is very fluid with her ex. They live a few blocks from eachother and are constantly dropping off, picking up, etc. She's been twice during the week for dinner when she's been free.

[Dawn70]

@traveler. I've been trying to have a good relationship with her for 20 years . I've invited her and OM (now husband) to my house, to the summer pool where our boys swim, to scout camping trips, etc. They've never come, not once, in 7 years. I bend over backwards to be friends with them...doesn't work, at at some point, pride kicks in. I'm not going to beg someone to be friendly.

That makes sense. If there's no obvious issue, e.g. the custody schedule, it sounds like you've done what's reasonably within your power to repair the relationship. Some people are just contrary.

The issue though, as I said, is she is very much still in a family while I am not.

I'm going to say something to you I wish someone told me years ago. You ARE in a family. YOUR FAMILY consists of YOU and YOUR KIDS. Once upon a time, you may have had a fantasy that your family would be 4 loving grandparents, 2 loving parents, your wife, your 2.5 kids, and Lassie. Your family looks different. It's still a family. If you need other examples of non-nuclear families, watch Guardians of the Galaxy or The Eternals or Cruella or Encanto. Some of these are even good movies, and movies your kids may enjoy. Warning - The Eternals drags a bit, especially for younger kids.

Is it your life situation sinking your relationships, or your desire for your partner to fill that nuclear family HOLE in your soul? In the past, I put pressure on my partners to fill that role. It's taken a long time to appreciate that what I have is complete and special, and to appreciate the people I date for what unique things they happen to add to my life. Because if my life is complete solo, anything they do happen to add is a boost beyond what I had before. (:

Great point, CW! This is spot on. A family unit doesn't always look like the romantic image of mom, dad, 2.2 kids, a house, a dog, and a picket fence, but that doesn't make the reality any less a family.

As far as doing things with ex spouses, I have attended family gatherings with mine, but he moved far away so I don't see him regularly. I can be friendly when we are face to face, but I wouldn't seek him out. Having said all that, our children were adults when we split, so co-parenting has never been an issue. My parents divorced when I was 25 and have a VERY amicable relationship, still to this day, spending holidays together with us as a family and being there for each other. That is what my XH wanted, but as I pointed out to him, I'm not nearly the woman my mother is and he's absolutely not even close to being the man my daddy is, so not happening.

You mentioned being an adjunct. Maybe you could find a college kid who would be willing to help out with kids or light housework or whatever for a little extra money. College kids on my campus are always trying to pick up extra money.

[mvg]

@LH19, no no, that is never going to happen, I gave up on that years ago. She married OM immediately after our divorce, moved towns over, had a new baby, the whole deal, and doesn't want anything to do with me at all, and the boys during the week. She has NPD and has dealt with it for many many years.

[mvg]

@dawn70. I know that my boys and I are a real family, I don't doubt it at all and neither do they. S8 had to draw a pic of his family for school back in September when they went back in person. On the right side of the paper, he drew himself, me and S11 holding hands. The middle of the page had a thick black line drawn down the middle. On the left side of the page, he drew his mom, step dad, and his step siblings. That hit really hard and was an extra bolt of caffeine to keep me going during this marathon of single parenting. With that said, I'm tired. I would love so much to share this with someone for 101 different reasons. The point of this whole thread is that for single, primary parents with walk away exes, that seems nearly impossible.

[LH19]

Ok so if I understand you now, you would like to see maybe something progress with your GF but think that because of your family dynamics it's not possible.

[Dawn70]

@dawn70. I know that my boys and I are a real family, I don't doubt it at all and neither do they. S8 had to draw a pic of his family for school back in September when they went back in person. On the right side of the paper, he drew himself, me and S11 holding hands. The middle of the page had a thick black line drawn down the middle. On the left side of the page, he drew his mom, step dad, and his step siblings. That hit really hard and was an extra bolt of caffeine to keep me going during this marathon of single parenting. With that said, I'm tired. I would love so much to share this with someone for 101 different reasons. The point of this whole thread is that for single, primary parents with walk away exes, that seems nearly impossible.

I know you "get it". I was really just agreeing with CW. I feel for single parents in your position. I never had to deal with that since my daughters were adults so I really can't speak to how difficult or lonely it is. I hope that you someday (soon) find that special person to help you through it all. Meanwhile, great job being a strong male role model for your sons. They will be mightily influenced by it as they get older.

[mvg]

Yep. And I'm not sure that unique to my situation. In the meantime, single parenting, after 7 1/2 years, is really becoming challenging and lonely. That's my story.

[mvg]

@dawn70, thank you so much, I sincerely appreciate the kinds words.

[LH19]

Yep. And I'm not sure that unique to my situation. In the meantime, single parenting, after 7 1/2 years, is really becoming challenging and lonely. That's my story.

No not unique maybe just the length due to your one child being one. I just ended a relationship with someone who wanted to know where this was going. She had a boy 15 and a boy 10. I thought to myself there is no way in he double hockey sticks I was moving 2 boys who she had 90% custody of in with me while my daughter is in high school.

I have only been at it for 3.5 years and honestly I love parenting by myself.

[DejaVu6]

(((MVG))) Sorry that your XW isn't pulling her weight. I admire your attempts at involving her more but am not surprised you've had no success. Her moving one town away is a clear message she only wants to be as involved as her conscience dictates she should. That is really sad for your boys and sounds like they are with the right parent. People with NPD do not make great parents as sooner or later, they are called upon to sacrifice their needs for their kids and this is something they aren't willing to do.

My sitch is similar to yours in that my XH was secretly living with OW while we were married and became engaged to her before he even admitted to me she was his gf and not a "roommate" that he barely knew and only moved in with post-separation because he couldn't find anything else [insert eye roll emoji here]. They got married last summer. I think it is unlikely we will ever be one big happy family celebrating events together. It would be one thing if he and I had divorced for a different reason and he had met her afterwards but given how things happened, that's not a road I can see myself going down anytime soon, if ever. The good news is that my XH is way more interested in being an involved parent than he was when we were married so we have been able to establish a very amicable co-parenting relationship. I still don't trust him completely but my kids are doing well in both homes so I have no concerns.

Amicable co-parenting aside, I totally get the loneliness aspect. I am lucky in that I have a lot of support from my sister and her husband but it is not the same as having a partner. TBH, I'm not really missing a partner in terms of sharing childcare responsibilities but definitely when it comes to intimacy and having someone to spend time with when the kids are at their dad's. I've done a lot of OLD. Still looking for someone who makes my heart skip a beat AND who has their sh*t together and can fit into my life. It's proven to be a lot more challenging than I ever would have anticipated BUT I still have hope it will happen one day. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.

Anyway...take heart...your kids are not going to need you to the same extent indefinitely. My kids are 14 now and are at an age where they can help with household chores and entertain themselves a lot more. I am still very involved in their day-to-day but not nearly to the extent that I was. Your youngest is 8 now? I'd say you have about three or four more years and then the pressure will start to ease significantly. You're only 43 which is really not THAT old. I was 50 when my BD happened and my kids were 10. You have lots of time to find the partner you are looking for...if it's not the person you are with currently. Speaking of her sitch...the one big happy family situation wit her ex is also time limited. Once their kids hit their teens, they aren't going to be so interested in spending time with their parents and will be more focused on their friends.

Hang in there MVG... you've got this. You're already more than half way there. (((HUGS)))

[Ginger1]

Super busy here at work. Would love to chime in .

And no, despite what LH says, me and my ex and his wife are not besties .

[wayfarer]

I do think a big chunk of this really should be sorted out in IC. It feels like you are having a difficult time understanding how to self differentiate in a relationship with out boxing yourself out completely, in to my family and your family. I also feel like there's some insecurity and jealousy bubbling under the surface, and it's not cute.

Another aspect I'm wondering is what your parenting support system looks like. Do you have other single parent friends? Do you have other parent friends? Do you have a reliable baby sitter? Nanny? Friends who love your kids? Family? You sound like you need a break and the breaks your exW gives you seem to be spent not on you. I know you feel like you need those other jobs so they are there when you want them, but freelancing and adjuncting are up to you. If the skill set exists you can very easily set it aside and come back to it if you want or need to. I don't know a single university that isn't always looking for adjuncts. And the point of freelance is to freelance. So I get it. But if you don't have time for you, I hate to tell you this but the kids aren't going to make it for you. You can either suffer in silence about burnout, or you can take some action. You're burned out. Full time single parenting is hard. It's even harder with a contentious ex. It's even harder when you're burning the candle at both ends, aren't reaching out for help, and trying to make a romantic relationship work. It honestly feels like you're beyond burnt out and moving swiftly into depression territory. <- Another great reason to get into IC if you aren't right now.

There's a really stupid motivational saying out there "everyone has the same 24 hours in a day." It's supposed to make people think they are lazy if they aren't constantly grinding, doing, making moves. The reality is, no everyone doesn't have the same 24 hours in a day, the world just doesn't work like that. And as a single parent of two if you had 36 hours in a day you still wouldn't have that same time. The fact is you have more to do, with less time, and less hands than some. You also have less to do with more money than some. That's not to shame you, that's to remind you if you can afford help, get yourself help. Let yourself have the single parent luxury of a little bit of time back, a little bit less of a mental, emotional, or physical load to carry. You're in the thick of this kid stuff. I get it. But those boys are going to be getting more and more independent faster than you can imagine, and leave dear old dad behind, and if you don't have a life outside of those kids them leaving for college will turn your world upside down. I know you have a gf, and a job, and you're an adult. But are you every fully you? Do you have hobbies? Do you do things just for yourself? Do you ever have time to grab a drink or dinner with old friends sans kids?

I know you came looking for advice about the gf and her exH. Or how to maintain a romantic relationship or just not be so annoyed with your ex and lonely but honestly I think you've been so kid focused, and survival focused, and day to day focused you've lost a lot of yourself, including your confidence and the ability to see possibility and positives. When you're feeling kinda empty and lost like this take it down to DB basics. GAL and 180s. What can you do for yourself? What can you do to change things in your life for you?

[mvg]

Whew, ok, let me jump in here. First, I appreciate the time you spent to give me all of this input. Yes, I am absolutely jealous of my GFs relationship with her ex. I'm also jealous of anyone that has a good relationship with their XW/XH, as life would be infinitely better. The town my boys and I live in is very small, a "everyone knows everyone" kind of place, not a lot of single parents, maybe 10, i'm one of two dads I know of. I have plenty of parent friends that help one day a week carpooling to sports, it's a help for sure. In terms of adjunct and freelance, a few years ago I gave up the adjunct for one semester (bc of a job thing) and I lost the gig for a year, had to wait for the other person to leave on their own. I don't have much savings, and the job market is always a source of anxiety, so I try to say yes to every opportunity that comes my way.

I've been in IC with the therapist that saw my XW and I years ago, she's wonderful. The only problem is, she has been very clear that she doesn't feel that there's much she can do for me. Unfortunately, this echoes another therapist that saw me for about 6 months, who said the same thing. They are both very complimentary and tell me that I'm doing everything I should be doing and that it's more about acceptance at this point.

I'd rather not get into too much personal stuff (weird to say here after being so personal) but, yes I do have hobbies. I'm very active physically, and also have been very lucky professionally with a big hobby of mine. I do find it pretty hard to get together with old friends, they're all married with kids and usually need weeks of notice and often can't make it. I have a few very close friends that I speak with on the phone at least once a week, friends I've had for 20+ years. I'm very lucky in that regard.

I will say that you absolutely hit the nail on the head when you said I've been in survival mode for 7 1/2 years. You are 100% accurate. Yes, day to day focused, for sure. I didn't come for advice on my current GF, if that's how it came across, that's my fault. It was more a question/comment/thoughts about single parenting for so long without a partner in any capacity (current or XW). My GF and her awesome relationship with her XH just shines a light on that even brighter for me.

I really do appreciate your input on this, thank you.

[Ginger1]

Ok, got home and finally got the chance to read though. What an interesting read!

FIrst, I will tell you, I have been at this for 14 years, the lifetime of my daughter pretty much, as my exH left when my daughter was 6 months old. He left for other woman, and was engaged ot be married shortly after the divorce was legal. They will celebrating their 11th wedding anniversary on april fools day. I have been single pretty much all throughout. Dated, had one serious relationship. She goes to his house every other weekend and one night a week. I have been handling all school, all medical, all childcare, switching jobs ot accommodate her schedule because I had had no help. I have a moved a few times and bought a house on my own in a very expensive region, all on my own. I do it all. While holding down a full time career and part time job. Activities are on my nights. It;s been lonely and challenging to say the least. I only spent her first holidays with my ex and I have never spent them with a partner since

That being said. I know it was mentioned I play mario kart with my ex and child and his wife. It took years to be able to this. We are friendly. But do we have this fantastic coaparenting relationship where we carry equal weight? Absolutely not. My ex has it good. I do all the heavy lifting. He takes her on nice vacations. We speak maybe once a week. I fill him in when needed. He has no idea what she is doing in school. Hasn't been to a parent teacher conference since first grade. We get along, are friendly, but I do all the work.

Now, my one serious boyfriend has the most awful relationship with his ex. They exchanged their child at the police station. COmmunicated via an app that is submissible to a court parent coordinator to mediate disagreements. Others simply don't have animosity, but aren't these partners in parenting.

On to your dating life. First, Kudos for having one ! You seem to be doing alot better in that area than alot of people. It seems as if you are seeing a woman who seems great. Hey, good for her to have a great coparenting relationship. I can see you are a bit jealous. Is it because you don't have that with your ex wife, or is it because you want that with her, but she has it with her ex?

When you have 2 divorces, and 2 sets of kids, families look different. Is she ever going ot be your primary partner in parenting? No. Most likely not. Will she care for your kids and you will care for hers? Yes! You can do that while she has a good good coparenting relationship with her ex!

I know I am not finding a coparent in a partner. My daughter is 14, so definitely not. WHat is important to me is a partner who can be there for me during the ups and downs of parenting. Maybe not be an active parent to my kid, but be my support. That's the super lonely part for me. NO support for me. I can handle my daughter just fine and have been for a lifetime. With my ex boyfriend, I very much loved his son. He called me "bonus mom"but really, he wanted no part in me participating in parental way. He likes that attention to himself. But I sure did love him. ANd he was great with my D, but not a dad figure. I was always there to support him in his parenting, while not parenting his child.

I understand the lonely part of parenting. It's not the phsyical stuff for me, it;s sharing the emotional. I desire a partner who could support me and hear me in that, but not have to do it. I think if you just restructure your thinking to knowing your current girlfriend can be a supportive partner to you while being a good coparent with her ex husband at the same time, you might see you have it pretty good! I

[mvg]

@dejavu. thank you so much. I'm really trying to hang in, but the last 6 months have been very hard and I've noticed a palpable change in my attitude and what I'm able to handle. It feels like the dreaded Mile 20 in a marathon. I agree, my kids aren't going to need me the way they do today, but like I said, this to me is more about the lack of emotional support / partnership in being a single parent. Logistics can usually be solved with a carpool here and there, but the daily loneliness and stress is starting to really get to me in ways it hasn't before.

-mvg

[mvg]

@ginger, thank you! Yes, our situations, at least the impetus of them, are very similar. You seem to be in a much better place of acceptance, and I hope to be there someday. Like you, I've been doing this since S8 was S1. I never thought this was going to be long term. You hit the nail on the head with the support comment. It's hard to feel like I'll ever get support I want, deserve and will reciprocate from a partner who is deeply committed to their "original" family, seems like a very big expectation on my part.

[Traveler]

@mvg, I hear the loneliness in your and gingers posts. mvg, we’ve all felt that sometimes. In the moment, it can be very hard.

It's hard to feel like I'll ever get support I want, deserve and will reciprocate from a partner

That is a lot of weight to put on any parter, to fill your hole because you’re struggling solo.

Why do you have so much stress to share with a partner? I liked kml’s suggestions about seeking more help so you can GAL on your kid-free time. Where are your friends—are you being vulnerable with any about your mental state and the joys and sorrows of parenting? Your IC saying there wasn’t much more they could do probably wasn’t when you were expressing so much stress and loneliness. Those are bread and butter areas for ICs.

I didn’t have 50% time with my kids—more like 75-80%. I was primary on our legal documents. Like you, NO help with school for many, many years (7->9yrs). When my son was 1, I had a live-in au pair. 45 hours of WEEKLY help for whatever odd or end I needed. Cheap, too! I also loved that she was excited to share holidays and vacations as part of soaking up our culture. No emotional support, of course, but she shared Christmas morning. By 2, I joined a homeschool network that had an educator with a master’s degree to help see me through tough questions and other parents to share joys and sorrows and diaper techniques. Also play dates (e.g., time to chill)! They weren’t single, but some may as well have been, their husbands doing little for house or home after work. By 4 I had a (married) friend driving my daughter to school daily and several single parent friends to share the joys/hassle of managing two young kids while visiting a zoo. It sounds like you need more “help” or “social network” than you currently have. Consider being more vulnerable with friends, reaching out to those 10 other single parents, or joining a single parenting group on social media. This can be turned around, mvg. ((Hugs))

Off to meet with my single parent friend and chat about our week!

[mvg]

Thank you so much for your reply. Currently, and for the last 6 years, my "kid-free" time is Saturday night and Sunday. This week, as an example, S8 has a two day swim meet and I'll be there both days volunteering. It's also the pool I swim at, so it's pretty fun and social for me as well. I've started doing laundry during the week so that's freed up some time on weekends, for sure. The cleaning crew just left, they come every other Friday, another big help. In terms of friends, my 3-4 close friends are saints. I am 100% vulnerable and honest with them, they are incredible and talk with me 3-4 times a week. I have noticed how much geography plays into this. I've met people from other towns who have huge networks of people, it's awesome. But my town has one high school, one middle school and an Acme haha, it's about as small town as it gets. I feel weird about a live in nanny but am definitely open to a college kid for after school homework help / tutoring for both boys. Never thought about a single parenting group on social media before, that sounds like something.

[BL42]

mvg,

Single parenting is incredibly lonely. Prior to meeting my XW, I never imagined divorce in my life. After the divorce, I never thought I'd be 7 1/2 years in and still alone.

Although you're 5 years ahead of me, I can certainly relate. I've certainly felt at times over the last 2 years it'd be nice to have a partner. After all, that's what we signed up for.

I've been the primary parent (M-F + one weekend a month + sports on weekends) for almost all of my divorced life and while it has created an amazing bond between me and my two boys, it's also left me with 7 1/2 years of lonely "adult" memories. What I mean by that is, I've had 7 1/2 years of birthdays, holidays, first and last days of school, stomach bugs, swim meets, field trips, late night wake ups and everything in between, without another adult to share those experiences with. Not only are the big things lonely, but the day to day stuff is emotionally and physically draining. Simple stuff like, daily homework, dinner, laundry, practices, all while working a FT job and two PT jobs seems almost impossible on some days.

So legally my ExW and I have 50/50, but in practice (by day if not "sleeps") I'm much more involved in the kids' lives than her. For example, this week I'll be with them Mon, Wed & Fri even though it's "her week". That said, it's certainly more of an "even"/shared situation than yours.

It's interesting. There are definitely times I've wished I could be a primary or even sole provider, not only to not miss out on the kids' lives but also because I've been the more stable and engaged parent and believe the kids would be better off under my care (though maybe she's turning a corner there). Anyway, there are other times I'm pretty beat and admittedly welcome the relief of a transition over to ExW. I can imagine 7 1/2 years of being the primary could wear you down, especially without a partner to share it with.

I am still just as much hated, if not more, as I was during my marriage and since D Day. XW still takes me to mediation to argue extremely mundane and irrelevant details, still counts hours, still sends me harassing texts, etc etc.

Why do you think that is? Remember, a person's poor behavior towards you is more of a reflection of them than you.

@kml Years ago, XW went through the calendar, day by day, hour by hour (literally with a spreadsheet of "awake" and "asleep" hours) to make sure it's technically 50-50 to the hour, over the calendar year, NOT the school year. So during the summer, she gets extra time, etc, but has zero responsibility when it comes to the school week/year (homework, lunches, playing, sports, bedtimes, etc)

I'm confused, are you the primary parent or is it a 50/50 split? What does your divorce agreement actually say in regards to custody? It doesn't seem fair you have them the schedule you do with all the responsibilities during the school year only to have her get them a majority of the Summer break to go on vacations and enjoy the pool (or whatever). Maybe something to push back on or revisit.

Meanwhile, my ex told S11 a few weeks ago about a bad math test score, "You and daddy can figure it out, you're with him during the week"

I know it's a lot harder on you, but you're doing the right thing by digging down and being their rock in terms of homework and sports and whatever else. Keep it up. Not only do your sons deserve it, but you'll be glad you did for your on sake.

I'm going to say something to you I wish someone told me years ago. You ARE in a family. YOUR FAMILY consists of YOU and YOUR KIDS. Once upon a time, you may have had a fantasy that your family would be 4 loving grandparents, 2 loving parents, your wife, your 2.5 kids, and Lassie. Your family looks different. It's still a family. If you need other examples of non-nuclear families, watch Guardians of the Galaxy or The Eternals or Cruella or Encanto. Some of these are even good movies, and movies your kids may enjoy. Warning - The Eternals drags a bit, especially for younger kids.

Is it your life situation sinking your relationships, or your desire for your partner to fill that nuclear family HOLE in your soul? In the past, I put pressure on my partners to fill that role. It's taken a long time to appreciate that what I have is complete and special, and to appreciate the people I date for what unique things they happen to add to my life. Because if my life is complete solo, anything they do happen to add is a boost beyond what I had before. (:

CWs this may have been your best post ever.

Agreed. Great post. Your ExW's decisions were/are out of your control, but you and your sons are a family.

I started with a cleaning company about a two years ago, 2x a month, that helped for sure.

Yes! My cleaner has been amazing, and let me focus on my important priorities (most importantly the kids).

S8 had to draw a pic of his family for school back in September when they went back in person. On the right side of the paper, he drew himself, me and S11 holding hands. The middle of the page had a thick black line drawn down the middle. On the left side of the page, he drew his mom, step dad, and his step siblings. That hit really hard and was an extra bolt of caffeine to keep me going during this marathon of single parenting.

That's both validating and heartbreaking at the same time. I know I've been anxious as a parent for situations where S6 has to draw or describe his family. I don't want that to be a source of anxiety or embarrassment for him. There was one assignment he wrote "my family" and didn't have a picture by it. Could've been he didn't have time or get to it, or might've been he didn't want to deal with the thoughts? I don't know. I do know on several of his story writing assignments he's written about skiing, or playing soccer, or going on a beach vacation with "daddy" but doesn't seem to do those about mommy. Unfortunate for him & her if that's the case, but it is validating for me I'm able to stay so involved and really be his dad despite the D.

Yep. And I'm not sure that unique to my situation. In the meantime, single parenting, after 7 1/2 years, is really becoming challenging and lonely. That's my story.

Challenging and lonely. Certainly two apt words to describe it. Hang in there.

I just ended a relationship with someone who wanted to know where this was going. She had a boy 15 and a boy 10. I thought to myself there is no way in he double hockey sticks I was moving 2 boys who she had 90% custody of in with me while my daughter is in high school.

LH - This is a challenge I haven't had to deal with yet, both because my kids are so young and because I haven't really dated much, but with both a son and a daughter it could be a sticky situation down the line if I date a woman with similar aged kids...having non-related teens in the house. Not sure how I'd deal with that. A complication certainly people need to be aware of.

It would be one thing if he and I had divorced for a different reason and he had met her afterwards but given how things happened, that's not a road I can see myself going down anytime soon, if ever.

I hear that!

But if you don't have time for you, I hate to tell you this but the kids aren't going to make it for you. You can either suffer in silence about burnout, or you can take some action.

You're in the thick of this kid stuff. I get it. But those boys are going to be getting more and more independent faster than you can imagine, and leave dear old dad behind, and if you don't have a life outside of those kids them leaving for college will turn your world upside down.

When you're feeling kinda empty and lost like this take it down to DB basics. GAL and 180s. What can you do for yourself? What can you do to change things in your life for you?

Wayfarer makes a great point on avoiding burnout and taking time to make yourself a priority as well.

I've been in IC with the therapist that saw my XW and I years ago, she's wonderful. The only problem is, she has been very clear that she doesn't feel that there's much she can do for me. Unfortunately, this echoes another therapist that saw me for about 6 months, who said the same thing. They are both very complimentary and tell me that I'm doing everything I should be doing and that it's more about acceptance at this point.

That's the reason I stopped IC. My IC kept saying I was doing all the right things and wasn't sure how else she could help me but would listen and validate. Almost seemed like she thought I shouldn't be there anymore.

I have been at this for 14 years, the lifetime of my daughter pretty much, as my exH left when my daughter was 6 months old. He left for other woman, and was engaged ot be married shortly after the divorce was legal.

Great comfort in knowing so many other people are in the same boat with spouses leaving when their kids are still in diapers :-/

I understand the lonely part of parenting. It's not the phsyical stuff for me, it;s sharing the emotional. I desire a partner who could support me and hear me in that, but not have to do it. I think if you just restructure your thinking to knowing your current girlfriend can be a supportive partner to you while being a good coparent with her ex husband at the same time, you might see you have it pretty good! I

Ginger makes a great point.

Currently, and for the last 6 years, my "kid-free" time is Saturday night and Sunday. This week, as an example, S8 has a two day swim meet and I'll be there both days volunteering. It's also the pool I swim at, so it's pretty fun and social for me as well.

I think it's great you volunteer for S8's sports. I started coaching now-S6's soccer and baseball teams as a way to stay involved in his life even on my "off" weeks, but besides that have thoroughly enjoyed it and it's helped me meet other parents plus all the kids call my "coach" at practice, games, and even school drop-offs/pick-ups! Just remember to make yourself a priority at times too.


Great discussion you started here, mvg! Hang in there...sounds like you're a fantastic father...keep it up!