Looking back over my last thread, it encompasses the two weeks before CMM’s death as well as the few weeks after.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...&Number=2926924&nt=10&page=1Has anybody watched After Life with Ricky Gervais? Sweet show about a widower. Also some funny stuff.
Heading in to the office today on my day “off”, to play catch-up with phone calls and paperwork. Got some grocery shopping done this morning, plan to tackle my bedroom closet this weekend. Also need to catch up some miles for the thousand mile challenge.
Hoping everybody has a safe, relaxing weekend.
Also - don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I've been growing out my white hair since August 1st. Just got tired of every 2-3 weeks at the hairdresser's especially when I was trying to protect CMM at home and my hairdresser wasn't being careful. It's a long slow process (my hair is well below my shoulders). I'm liking it so far though, and think my I'm getting a bit of new hair growth, which is surprising, since I never thought the dye was hurting my scalp. There's also some unclear research about hair dye and cancer risk, especially people like me with dark hair color and lots of episodes of dyeing. So I'll proceed with it and hope I like it when it's all grown out. My hair has never been any color other than my natural brown - my hairdresser matched it exactly with the dye.
Right now I'm not interested in dating again, and don't know if I ever will. But anyone who dates me will have to be okay with snow white hair with a little gray streak in the middle.
They say platinum blondes have more fun, right?
Working in my closet today, and noticed an inscription in the back of a framed photo CMM had there. It’s the Chicago skyline, and the inscription says “To CMM, Chicago….the place where all our dreams began. I love you, (wife)”
So sad that marriages that start out happy like that can end up in such ruin, with the children as the fallout.
That's sweet that he kept that. Goes to show he had a big heart.
It's one of those things that in many ways I hate about divorce. If my xW had passed on, I would undoubtedly still have lots of pictures of her / us around and be proud of it. I purged all of them except for digital copies and put them in one of the boxes that she eventually took.
I don't regret it because the pain of the end of the marriage poisoned many of the memories for me, but I regret "having" to do it.
I don't expect his daughters will want that. You had talked about reaching out to them - were you still thinking of doing that? There was a lot of anger there, I think on both sides.
This stuck me as interesting and made me think of my own example. Have been officially D’d now 15 years but still have have the last family portrait photo hanging. I did move it to a less conspicuous spot but not hidden. I removed most of the rest. TBO if the kids were not in it I’d probably not leave it out. But it’s part of my life. It was one of the last times we were all together a few months pre bomb. I’ve got some other photos of old GFs around too + mostly doing activities or visiting interesting places. Again, it’s all part of my life. Now I guess if I had a LTR it might be different but I’m totally fine with it. Might seem odd to others, not to me. Yeah things often start out happy and end otherwise.
kml, I think snow white hair is awesome! My grandmother and my aunt both had it, and they looked better for it. They were both had excellent dress sense, and the white hair just made them look...I suppose....majestic.
It is sad that CMM's hopes and dreams didn't quite make it, but the fractured relationship with his children is what I find the most upsetting. Dying without my children near me is one of my nightmares.
As for photos, at BD I packed away all of the wedding photos, but left the professionally taken family ones out. Over time I put most of them away though, but there is one still there. I look at the couple we were from time to time and wonder what happened. I don't feel as sad as I used to, but as Don says, it's all a part of my life. I can't change it, and I don't want my children to think I want to.
Ricky Gervais is an excellent show writer! I love "After Life" - typical British humour mixed in with (untypically British) emotional stuff. He is so very unpretentious, raw and real, yet intelligent and sometimes quite sophisticated.
I hope you're taking care of yourself. I'm sure there will be more joy for you in the future, but right now you are just putting one foot in front of the other. This too will pass.
Wow. Still cleaning that closet and leafed through the photo albums I have there. Mind blowing.
Let me preface this by saying, when I was young, I thought my looks were nice, but boring. I was unpretentious and seriously did not realize how beautiful I was, although I wasn’t unhappy with my appearance. My ex, being someone who could never be satisfied in life, would occasionally nitpick at something or other about my appearance, but honestly, I didn’t pay him much mind. I knew I was okay.
But looking through those albums - OMG, I was f-ing gorgeous!!!! I don’t say this to brag - I can’t take any credit for it - but what an idiot my ex was. I was kind, smart, beautiful, sexy, and although not an athlete, there I am rock climbing and backpacking and skiing - not exactly a couch potato either. Nothing was ever good enough for him and he was an idiot who couldn’t enjoy it even when he had it all.
I keep these photo books for my kids. They encompass many years of my adult life. I haven’t edited out my ex. I don’t display any photos of him in my home, but I haven’t cut him out either.
It actually helps to see them again - it just reminds me how warped he was.
Done with my Sunday morning walk with my friend and getting ready now to tackle the closet again, which has turned out to be a much bigger job that anticipated. Should be done by tonight however. Right now it’s like tgat part of remodeling where you’ve done the demolition, it looks awful, and you ask yourself why you ever started, it was fine before! But I know today is the good part as you start to put things away. Some things will also get redistributed to the garage (like, does the blowup visitor bed have to live in my closet, especially during a pandemic without visitors? The answer is no, it does not!)
Also - does anyone have any recommendations for digitizing my very extensive collection of CDs, including some very indie things I could never find again (that fun French trio we saw playing in a tiny club in London, the European ska band CCTV Allstars we saw in Bath, the self produced CD from street drummers we saw somewhere in our travels. )
I used to have a laptop with a CD drive and an easy program to rip cds but I think that ones long dead.
I use the standard Windows Media player that comes with most computers assuming you are in that world and not on a MAC. It does a decent job of indexing the files and is easy to use. Where it lacks is when it gets the tagging wrong or you have content that it can't figure out. You can actually right-click on the file on your computer and edit the meta data tags directly though.
You can get an external DVD/CD player that plugs in to your USB port for just a few bucks and they work well.
Hello kml
CMM’s old photo is touching. It’s one’s life. The journey of how we became.
Like others, I have my photos, just not on display like before. Still, it’s my life. One I’ve grown rather attach too. Lol.
For your digitizing project, it sounds like you have quite a bit of media. An extensive and cherished collection. Is it mostly audio (CD) or video (DVD)? The later requires plenty more storage space and project time if one is doing it themselves.
I’ve utilize a professional publishing service for transferring over things like my wedding video from VHS to DVD and MPEG format.
By the sounds of your stated samples, digital rights management would not hamper this process. For audio I’ve had good success with MediaMonkey. Both for transferring, organizing, and playback of my mp3 library. Caveat, my version of software is a few years not current, however I did Google search and it still exists. I wouldn’t suspect they’ve crippled their software so one would expect even better performance.
Video can be more problematic. Depending upon codec employed it can be rather aggravating. The resolution to the fight between Windows vs Apple products gets onerous in this arena. And at times, next to impossible. Still, it is doable.
D
Another question, this for the baseball fans out there:
I have a box of signed souvenir baseballs that CMM left behind. I know nothing about them. I think he would have mentioned if they were truly valuable. On the other hand, he did have professional sports connections through his work in telecom sales and has a couple other items like a personalized signed photo of Julius Erving. Do you have any idea how I can tell if these baseballs have value? One for instance is signed by Joe DiMaggio. Several appear to have been signed by an entire team?
Those are definitely worth something. Try googleing it.
And btw there’s no certificates of authenticity, which makes me think they’re just souvenirs but who knows?
The ball also lists Bobby Brown as head of the American League which would place the signature between 1984 to 1994.
kml,
I too am a big fan of After Life. I must confess I'm a little worried by the end of season 3. I hope this isn't upsetting, but the poem his friend read near the end is not one I had heard so I looked it up. Here it is:
Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep (Mary Elizabeth Frye)
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.
I don't think anyone here needed you to us you were beautiful, your heart did that a long time ago. We women are funny about our hair. My bestie, who is dealing with systemic health issues and stopped dying her hair and is extremely self-conscious about it, had someone comment on her Cruella Deville hair. When she told me about it I said, "What a compliment, in every interpretation I've ever seen of her, her hair is her most celebrated feature." Own that hair. Have a lovely day.
I recall when my wife started going grey that she dyed her hair red just like her sister. I remember asking her "who are you lying to?"
She never dyed her hair again and it turned such a lovely version of salt and pepper that many people thought she did dye it to look like that.
And as I've told my kids (and myself) with various experiments we have done, it's just hair and with a bit of patience it can be changed. And at my age, I'm grateful to have that choice
Own -
That was the poem I read at my mother’s graveside.
D - all CDs (I digitized my home videos last year). Most of the CDs are commercial with the exception of a few and ones my kids made me of their music. I used to be able to easily rip them on an old laptop, but I think that one is defunct.
I really have a crazily diverse music collection. When my kids were young, I used to say the only way they could rebel against their parents musically was to become Barry Manilow fans lol. Although I’ll admit I don’t have much heavy metal.
I’ve also inherited my mom’s collection of country music and Xmas albums and CMM left a collection of jazz.
I also have CDs by musician friends, including a Jane Wiedlin CD signed to each of us in the family (we were good friends with her brother). Such good memories. So much good music!
Chatted with my friend who I met many years ago from this board (turned out she live 1/2 mile from my house). Her ex was in professional baseball and her daughter was able to sell her memorabilia through Leland's auction house, which is apparently THE place for sports memorabilia, and they can authenticate as well. So I'll contact them first once I have gathered any other items. It would be the easiest way to go, and although none of this is worth a lot, the total might be an extra thousand or two, which would be nice.
the dimaggio baseball alone could be worth almost $2k
But looking through those albums - OMG, I was f-ing gorgeous!!!! I don’t say this to brag - I can’t take any credit for it - but what an idiot my ex was. I was kind, smart, beautiful, sexy, and although not an athlete, there I am rock climbing and backpacking and skiing - not exactly a couch potato either.
Good job on the cleaning and parting of things. I hope when you look at yourself today--on the way to becoming a platinum blonde--you still see these things. We rarely appreciate where we are as much as where we've been or where we're going.
the dimaggio baseball alone could be worth almost $2k
Probably more like $500 to $1,000 from what I'm seeing on ebay, once authenticated. From the late 80's. The other balls look like they might be from Old Timers days - I haven't investigated all the signatures, but one signature was from a player from the early 60's, and each ball has about 20 signatures. They look like they would be less valuable unless there's some special signature on there.
I do have one long time friend who is a baseball fan, I suppose I should see if he's interested in any of them before I send them to the auction house.
Another question, this for the baseball fans out there:
I have a box of signed souvenir baseballs that CMM left behind. I know nothing about them. I think he would have mentioned if they were truly valuable. On the other hand, he did have professional sports connections through his work in telecom sales and has a couple other items like a personalized signed photo of Julius Erving. Do you have any idea how I can tell if these baseballs have value? One for instance is signed by Joe DiMaggio. Several appear to have been signed by an entire team?
Super cool! If you want a quick way to get a sense if they are real check out the FB group ‘safe or out’. These folks know their stuff and I use them for a quick way to see if something is legit. Then once you find out if it’s real, eBay sold listings will give you a rough idea of what they are going for. I want to see these!
Though I don’t think they do team signed balls but they definitely look at individually signed balls.
It’s actually called ‘out or safe’…. Good luck!
I know they're legit - CMM used to work in telecom sales, in the very early days of cell phones, and they would give the pro team athletes in his area (Houston) free cell phones; he got a lot of perks in return and has other items like a personally addressed signature from Julius Erving on his photo, and in the garage there are shoes from some pro basketball player, I forget which. He met a lot of pro athletes in those days.
On the other hand - if anything had been REALLY valuable, he would have mentioned it.
Oh I see… how interesting! You never know though in terms of value. People sometimes miss things that are super valuable. FB groups focusing on sports
Memorabilia would still be a good way to go to get an opinion. I’ll take a look later and see if there is a good one for this.
removed by user request - If this is incorrect I will put it back
How do I notify moderators I would like to remove my last post? Job?
@kml, I won't quote anything since you plan to delete the above, but facing those children sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for your niece. Props to her for her job and caring.
I clicked the icon that looks like a flag above your post to report it to moderators.
How do I notify moderators I would like to remove my last post? Job?
give me the number of the post and I will remove it
Let me know if I did the wrong one.
And for the record there is not too many ways to notify us,
we have known this for months.
Sorry above my pay grade that the forum does not work properly.
kml,
I'm sorry that this entire forum isn't working properly. Cadet and I have been complaining about it for months, maybe all the way back to the summer. We don't even get notifications when a new person comes on board. The edit button has been another issue that we have repeatedly asked for and still do not have the capability on this particular forum to edit. The only way we know is to check all of the forums and locate them and then send an email to the main office to approve the newbies for posting.
I'm not making excuses...but the situation here hasn't gotten better with the new format...it's worse.
@Job, Cadet - Thanks for creating the new NOTIFY US thread! It's mysterious that the powers that be are willing to invest in upgrading the forum software but aren't willing to address the issues that concern forum members and moderators.
If the issue is lack of $$$, wearing my professional software development hat, I'd be willing to offer upto 2hrs/week of effort for a time to follow-up on or solve bugfixes and complaints about the existing forum software as configured here.
Traveler,
Cadet and I have nothing to do with the overall running of the business. We are volunteers. We appreciate your offer to assist, but I honestly do not think it's a lack of funding. I honestly don't know what it is, but the support just isn't coming through clearly for the moderators and the posters right now.
We are very sorry for the inconvenience, but we are just as frustrated as the posters.
Changing the topic back to KML
You are not the only one with gray hair.
I used to be able to get a haircut and cut it all off,
that is not working anymore.
I am sure that people of my age don't really care about that,
at least speaking for myself.
Well I'm hoping when it's all grown out for an Emmy Lou Harris kind of look, not an old lady look. But now is the time to do it, so far I'm ok with the results, and I could always go back to dying it if I ever though that I really wanted to. And it really frees up time not having to go to the hairdresser all the time!
EmmyLou Harris is so beautiful and incredibly talented to boot! My mom has very dark hair and went gray in her early 30's and dyed it for awhile, then gave up. She was silver/gray for awhile, but as she got older, she went white. My dad's hair is about the same color as mine, light brown with red highlights. His went white white when he was in his late 50s/early 60s. For some time now, the very front crown of my hair has been white (though people sometimes say it is blond. It isn't always terribly noticeable in pictures, depending on lighting, but it is very noticeable in person. My dad's oldest sister has the exact same coloration in her hair that I do and her hair finally went all gray/white when she was in her early 70s. So, I can look at her for what mine will look like, but white around my face and silvery gray for the rest, apparently. I'm just waiting it out, but I have never been a hair dyer so what I have is all natural.
That 39 year old unvaccinated mom with zero pre-existing conditions just died. Completely preventable if she'd been vaccinated.
Oof. Not much more to say.
Has anybody watched After Life with Ricky Gervais? Sweet show about a widower. Also some funny stuff. .
Watch all three seasons last week. Pulls at all kinds of emotions.
Yes, on so many levels....
I laughed so hard when he threw the plant...
I was tearing up every time he was watch his wife's video...I would love to just splice all those together....
Anne Pearson (Penelope Wilton) had some great words of wisdom.
Nice article on Thich Nhat Hanh's book about How to Love, just google "How to Love: Legendary Zen Buddhist Teacher Thich Nhat Hanh on Mastering the Art of “Interbeing”"
As much as I sometimes complain about my ex (largely stirred up by the ways he is failing our children) I do relate to this article in that I see my ex as the wounded child he is, and his narcissism as the unhealthy result of his poor inner sense of self. I feel more sorry for him than anything.
I've also found, in my post-divorce dating life, that it is easier to love people that I am with if I don't have expectations of them. The less I need someone in my life, the easier it is to accept the people that come into my dating life for who and what they are. I don't fret over that Love Avoidant guy who wouldn't become my long term partner even though we really had chemistry - I accept him as a friend now who was a bright spot in my life when I needed it, and who gave me what he had to give.
I think that is a really healthy way of looking at things KML. I read a book called “Happiness is a Serious Problem” a few years ago and it was all about how we set ourselves up to be miserable by having too high expectations…of ourselves and especially of others. The author wasn’t advocating for no expectations…just that by lowering expectations, we set ourselves up to be pleasantly surprised as opposed to bitterly disappointed. Makes sense. Why would we ever want to make our happiness so dependent on factors we cannot control?
Finally finished my closet and bedroom - save for carting out one last bag of trash and a final dusting and vacuuming. Nice walk this morning with my old friend SG from these boards, then made brunch with my eldest son who lives with me. Quick downstairs cleanup between watching episodes of Boba Fett with him. My youngest son is coming down to visit this afternoon with his girlfriend and to pick up his Xmas presents finally.
I’m really on a roll with decluttering. Kitchen cabinets next weekend, then the garage. I’ll never be a minimalist, but right now I’m a reductionist. I try to keep Swedish death cleaning in mind, and minimize the amount of useless stuff my kids would have to go through in the event of my untimely demise.
Just having purged my clothes closet in the beginning of the pandemic had a big effect on reducing what I bought since. Seeing how I have plenty already, and enjoying the cleared out space, makes me loathe to clutter it up again. Since I did that two years ago, I have bought exactly one pair of shoes (running shoes to replace a worn out pair) and two pairs each of exercise shorts and leggings (because they were a screaming deal at Costco and had pockets for my cell phone. I got rid of a larger amount of workout clothes that weren’t as nice or didn’t fit as well .
Less is more! I knew this, but after my divorce, I moved into a larger house with lots of storage space so it wasn’t really on my mind. Now it is again.
I’ve often wondered why the Spanish Flu pandemic wasn’t better represented in the arts. I mean, there are almost no books or movies about it. It’s barely taught in school. For such a major event, it always seemed forgotten.
Now I know why. People today are SO anxious to jump the gun and declare this pandemic over before it is. No way are they going to want to watch a movie or read a book about it in the next twenty years. They just want it to be in the rear view mirror. We will probably see the roaring twenties all over again.
I hope the universal coronavirus vaccine that the military is working on eventually comes to fruition. That is a huge animal reservoir of Covid in deer (80% infected in some places); luckily they don’t seem to be affected by it. But that means 1) it can be spread to other wildlife that ARE more susceptible to it, like big cats and 2) the virus has lots of opportunity to mutate in the deer population and then come back to us as a very different variant.
I do hope for a quieter spring and summer, so long as the natural immunity the unvaccinated got from Omicron lasts. There are early reports to suggest that natural immunity after a mild Omicron case in the unvaccinated may not be that great, though. Hoping that when my planned trip to Hawaii in October comes that we will at least be in a lull.
There was an article I read recently that talked about the "end" of the 1918 pandemic and yes, what it described was that people just got tired of dealing with it and if fell out of the public view.
There is astoundingly little information out there. Kind of scary from a public health policy point of view - but I suspect that we are reaching a similar stage of capitulation.
I’ve often wondered why the Spanish Flu pandemic wasn’t better represented in the arts. I mean, there are almost no books or movies about it. It’s barely taught in school. For such a major event, it always seemed forgotten. Now I know why. People today are SO anxious to jump the gun and declare this pandemic over before it is. No way are they going to want to watch a movie or read a book about it in the next twenty years. They just want it to be in the rear view mirror. We will probably see the roaring twenties all over again.
Interesting take. We talk for months about tragic events like 9/11 or Columbine, but then our interest and the news cycle move on to the next thing. In films about long-term disasters, people become more aware and adept over time. Filmmakers didn't anticipate that so many would become fatigued of the precautions and decide whatever happens, happens.
Books on contagions like Ebloa or Hanta or the Black Plague do note that the most effective diseases (in terms of duplication and spreading) are the less lethal ones. COVID is in an interesting spot --less than 10% fatal, but killing more than car crashes.
What I fear most is Ebola evolving to have a longer incubation period or to be slightly less deadly. The only thing that saves us from Ebola at the moment is that almost everyone who gets it gets sick, and pretty quickly. That’s what makes outbreaks able to be contained if we jump on it.
I knew as soon as reports came from China that half the cases of Covid were mild or asymptomatic that it would spread despite their heroic efforts.
Influenza is still the infectious disease most feared for a pandemic, but if not for modern medicine and vaccines, this Covid pandemic would be as bad as the Spanish flu.
Btw the only well known novel about the Spanish flu is a short novel by Katherine Anne Porter called Pale Horse, Pale Rider. It’s the story of a young woman who gets the Spanish Flu. She becomes delirious, then revover
Then recovers, only to find her boyfriend has died of it, and that he likely caught it tending to her.
Well, there is at least one movie about the Covid pandemic already! Stop and Go, a comedy on Hulu , is about two goofy sisters making a cross country road trip early in the pandemic to rescue their grandmother from a nursing home that has had a big Covid outbreak. I just watched it. Some funny bits.
Finally saw a lovely movie called The Only Living Boy In New York. On Prime, I had seen it show up before but was turned off by the subject material (trigger warning - there’s an affair involved but it’s not as simple or as bad as you think.)
Great cast and beautiful writing, very poetic. I quite liked it.
Just took a carload of electronic waste to the recycling center/hazardous waste dump. Slowly but surely clearing out the excess from my home. After lunch I’m sorting through two more boxes of books I found on my garage shelf. If I forgot they were there, I probably don’t need all of them, eh?
Took a car load to the Goodwill this afternoon . Every load that leaves the house makes me feel freer.
Most of it was my stuff but I went through a couple of boxes CMM had in the garage, too. This stuff came from his storage unit a couple years ago and has just been sitting in the garage. I had told him, before he died, that if he sent me a message from the other side, no creepy flickering lights and stuff. I told him to send me butterflies.
In one of his boxes, was a small vintage glass tray, like maybe something you would serve olives or nuts in. And it’s embossed with butterflies on all four sides.
I salute your organisational skills! Good on you!
Maybe you subconsciously knew that CMM subconsciously liked butterflies? He would've held onto that tray for a reason and maybe it was that it had butterflies on it. I think empathetic people like yourself take note of lots of little things about the people around them without even realising.
Nope - never heard him say a thing about butterflies, although on one of our trips we happened upon a butterfly exhibit. I think the reason he had the tray (actually a small serving dish, like you might put olives or nuts or sauces in) was that it was probably his mom’s. It looks to be maybe 1920’s - 1940’s pressed glass, he also has her full set of crystal.
But butterflies were not an interest of his, in fact he was phobic about bugs in general. He liked snakes though! He had nature books on snakes and on tigers. But never ever talked about butterflies. In fact I forgot about us going in that butterfly exhibit until just now.
Anybody watch the Tinder Swindler on Netflix yet?? Discuss.
No--give us a teaser--why is this the next show to binge?!
Just a single documentary about a true case of a guy who swindled people (mostly women, but some men) out of millions of dollars. Quite good.
I saw the trailer - almost on a level with Dirty John. It's a pretty scary world out there.
I watched it. Follows the old adage… “if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.” In his victim’s defence, though, he was unbelievably good at what he does. And he had accomplices who either believed him as well or were part of the con. Crazy though…for someone to live such a completely made-up life. He was living in a house of cards that could have tumbled down at any second. The stress of that must have been immense. For most human beings, not worth it, but for him, the thrill of it must have far outweighed the consequences if he were caught. Crazy story. Even crazier is that he went to prison, was released and still appears to be living the lifestyle that he was living before.
I think you would have to be a true sociopath who gets some enjoyment out of defrauding people. And I do think the one woman was spot on when she talked about the damage Prince Charming fantasies do. My best friend had a neighbor who was being catfished and absolutely would not listen to anybody who tried to tell her about it. Her husband died in an accident a few years ago and she is due a good settlement but has no money now. We all suspect he's going to get his hands on some of her settlement money. Her ability to suspend disbelief and think this successful good looking guy she met online was interested in her middle-aged overweight arthritic not particularly interesting self without even meeting in person was amazing. She even went shopping for a wedding dress even though his pending visits kept getting postponed and postponed.
(Btw - not to put down anyone middle aged overweight and arthritic - just that there was nothing so interesting about this woman that the fake guy she thought she was talking to would want to marry her without even meeting her in person! )
Ugh. Definitely sounds like your friend’s neighbour is being Catfished. Your friend should email Neve from the show Catfish. Kind of blew me away after watching that show just how many catfishes are out there. Most are just sad, lonely people who got tired of being rejected IRL so created fake profiles in order to find some acceptance. I also went out on a date with a guy a couple years again who was head injured and got cheated out of $10,000 by a woman he met online and not IRL. That was pretty sad.
Sadly these types of stories are EVERYWHERE. They are not like say serial killers or some dumb thing where you’d at least hope they are far and few between. Far too many people grow lonely and then seemingly create an R in their mind with the scammer. Of course money quickly starts to flow from the scammed to the scammer who they convince themselves they are in love with even though they have never met. Family and friends are helpless to stop it as the person in love just will not listen too reason. Hmmmmm sorta sounds like some stories we’ve all followed here - just not with catfish. It’s amazing that it happens at all but then even more amazing is it’s happening thousands of times right now across the world. Sad stuff.
Anybody watch the Tinder Swindler on Netflix yet?? Discuss.
I think it said estimates were $10 Million...and he is still free
Crazy, right? But one hope is that with his picture and story plastered everywhere on Netflix, he won't be as successful in the future. He'll still find victims though.
Crazy, right? But one hope is that with his picture and story plastered everywhere on Netflix, he won't be as successful in the future. He'll still find victims though.
I could still see the "desire" in the women's eyes for their fantasy to be true while they were telling their story. Crazy.
Was only able to read the intro to this article in the Economist (the rest is behind a paywall) about age gaps in dating. The results of Ok Cupid research shows: CD
“ That’s the theory. In practice, research conducted by Christian Rudder, co-founder of OKCupid, a dating website, suggests that when it comes to age gaps, men and women have slightly different ideas. While female users look for men roughly the same age as them (or perhaps a year or two older) men prefer women in their early twenties, regardless of their own age. While women prefer a small and constant age gap, men are so hooked on the idea of a nubile young partner that they prefer a larger age gap the older they get.”
Maybe this is why guys get so few responses? Because they’re messaging much younger women? Discuss.
(Also, if anyone has access to the Economist, what else does it say?)
I could still see the "desire" in the women's eyes for their fantasy to be true while they were telling their story. Crazy.
Yeah, R2C, even though they knew the guy they thought they were dating was a fantasy, they still had trouble letting go of the fantasy.
Maybe this is why guys get so few responses? Because they’re messaging much younger women? Discuss.
I can tell you I have absolutely zero desire to date a 20 something year old and relatively zero desire to date anyone in their 30's. That said I have dated women about 10 years youngers.
So from what I have read is that there are several problems with OLDing:
1. People in general overvalue themselves. The 5s see themselves as 8s so they try to date the 8s who see them as 5s and of course everyone is trying to date the 10s which are limited in supply and know that scarcity creates value. So in a nutshell 100% of the people are trying to date the top 10%.
2. Too many options. In 2000, psychologists Sheena Iyengar and Mark Lepper from Columbia and Stanford University published a study about jams. On a regular day at a local food market, people would find a display table with 24 different kinds of jams. Then on another day, at that same food market, people were given only 6 different types of jam choices. Guess which display table lead to more sales? Exactly. Iyengar and Lepper found was that while the big display table (with 24 jams) generated more interest, people were far less likely to purchase a jar of jam than in the case of the smaller display (about ten times less likely). The study shows that while choice seems appealing, at first sight, choice overload generates the wrong results.
3. Scammer, ghosters, players, catfishers etc.
4. Bad profiles, no game, on the wrong site etc.
5. No patience. It's a grind.
I’d agree with all your points except number one - zokCupid’s data apparently shows you’re in the minority LH.
I’d add that it’s important not to take things personally. Many people won’t respond to you and the reasons may have nothing to do with you. They may not be online that week, they may have just had a promising date the night before, you may look like their bad ex, they may realize from something in your profile that the two of you aren’t a match.
So you think people undervalue themselves?
No, sorry - I meant you not wanting to date 20 somethings. The data definitely supports #1
WTF would I have in common with a 20 year old?
That might explain why it takes 119 messages to get a response.
WTF would I have in common with a 20 year old?
My husband is in that same boat. I'm secure in who I am and in our relationship and he's a grown man so I know he's going to look. He's married, not dead. And, I mean look like when we are out in public, not scour dating sites. But, while he might look at a young lady, he's outright said to me "what the h3ll would I do with a kid?" No common grounds whatsoever. I feel the same about young men. They might be "pretty" to look at, but hard pass. I don't have time to raise another kid. LOL
WTF would I have in common with a 20 year old?
EXACTLY!!!!!! I’d be embarrassed to date someone younger than my stepdaughter. Forever I’ve often fit with younger - but not THAT much younger. My largest recent gap was 13 years. I had a 19 GF when I was 26. So again it’s not something that started in my later years. But someone half my age? What would we possibly have in common? I’d feel like her father. I recently had a married female friend my same age point out a very attractive fun outgoing 20 something who had interacted with me a few times 2 weeks ago. “She’s flirting with you” friend says. I’m like ?????? No she is not, I’m on stage which makes me safe to approach and she wanted to hear some ABBA - which is interesting in itself since she was not born when they were popular. And there you go folks another ear worm for you dancing queens. I was embarrassed she’d even suggest something like that. As if I’d want to be a dirty older man that people scoff at. So no - just no.
As for the study. I just don’t buy it. All studies are not created equal and often have huge holes in them. Are some guys doing this? Yes. How many are sugar daddy/sugar baby arrangements. A very rich friend of a friend took one if these twenty somethings to front row seats to see the band Chicago a few years ago. Her comment… “Who are these guys?
Well my ex didn't seem to be bothered when he started dating his new wife at 49 when she was 30.
If you want to see the data, google this OK Cupid blog from June 2017: Undressed: What’s the Deal With the Age Gap in Relationships?
Somehow even though only 12% of conversations were between men and a woman more than 5 years older, most of them men I dated from OkC were 4-9 years younger than me. Maybe the difference is I wasn't afraid to reach out to the men I found interesting?
(And please note, I wasn't only looking at younger men - my age range was from 10 years younger to 10 years older. I actually eliminated more of the younger men if they had small children).
Actually, on reflection, the one who was 9 years younger was Mr. Big Lots, who I didn't meet online but who picked me up when I was shopping. So I guess my online dates ranged from 2 years older (my first boyfriend) to the rest being between 4-6 years younger. I'm leaving out the couple of inappropriately younger guys who initiated contact and who I briefly dated - they were definitely below my 10 year age difference limit.
I will say almost all the men list their desired age range as either their age and younger, or no more than 2 years older and younger. So some of you guys might have better response rates if you at least look at women up to 5 years older.
I’ve actually been surprised at how many younger guys have reached out to me on OLD. I’m trying to stay within six or seven years of my age although most of the guys I’ve dated have been four to six years younger. TDH was seven years younger and looking at us together, you would have probably assumed he was the older one.
Totally agree with the “too many choices” theory. I think that is a big issue. Except the reality is that it is more of an illusion of choice since most people will not get a response from a great number of people they message unless they are in that top 10%. Before OLD, you would meet someone IRL and if there was a mutual attraction, you’d start dating. So simple!!!! Nowadays, you are acutely aware that the “right” person might still be out there and you just haven’t seen their profile yet or worse, you did see it, but it was so bad you swiped left and missed out. Talk about a perfect set up for over thinking…as you can clearly see in my thread…lol.
Happy Valentine's Day to all the valiant lovers here!
It's not a day I ever felt melancholy about after my divorce, because I realized in retrospect how hit and miss my ex was with celebrating it, and how that should have been my first clue that all was not as it seemed with him. I can buy my own dang candy anyway!
I even forgot completely about my ex's birthday this month. Like that song he's now just "someone that I used to know".
Celebrate all the other loving relationships you have in your life, with friends and family.
Yes!! I’m inviting a friend and their daughter today to celebrate with me and my kids. I see it as a day to share treats and be thankful for all the love in our lives, not just the romantic kind.
My poor niece just had her boyfriend break up with her on the weekend, just a couple days before Valentine's day.
She's the ECMO nurse and is taking it extra hard because of the chronic stress of her job in the last two years. We had all been excited that she seemed to finally be dating a guy worthy of her, and who seemed really into her. They'd been dating for about 9 months. But apparently his M.O. is when he gets overwhelmed and depressed, he responds by jettisoning extra baggage, and he considered her such.
It is another case of, when someone warns you not to date somebody, take them at their word! His brother is a coworker of my niece's, and he had cautioned her against dating him, without being very specific as to why. We (my sister and I) thought maybe he had a crush on my niece himself (the brother is married though). Now it seems apparent he probably knew his brother wasn't a good risk for dating.
One of my niece's problems is, she likes to present herself as easygoing and a "commitment phobe". But the truth is, she's neither of those. She really wants to be in a long term relationship. She's had a history of pursuing unavailable or Love Avoidant guys in the past. Her previous boyfriend cheated on her.
It's so hard to watch because, she is THE BOMB. Gorgeous blonde, fit (she climbed Rainier last year), super smart (a geek's dreamgirl), hilariously funny, makes great bank, caring. Yet she picks the wrong guy every time. (I blame her semi-absentee sociopath father, whom she calls "the sperm donor").
Hoping she segues from the crying on the couch phase into the mad as hell phase soon.
Awww...sounds like she has dodged a very big bullet. Once time does its thing and the feelings fade, she'll be back on her feet...hopefully Covid fades at the same time. I think her work stress likely plays into her distress as well. It does sound like she might be dealing with some "daddy issues" if she refers to him as the sperm donor. Dad's relationship with their daughters often set the pattern for their romantic relationships. Might be worth a few appointments with a good IC for her to explore. (((HUGS)))
Oh she has a therapist, has been seeing her since the beginning of the pandemic. And yes, I'm sure her pursuit of avoidant guys has something to do with her absentee sociopath dad. Thankfully, her step-father (my sister's second husband) was a good dad and went to all her high school basketball games and took the family camping etc. She actually started seeing the therapist after HE died, before the pandemic.
So my ex accidentally butt dialed our middle son yesterday. When he called my ex back, he could hear noises in the background and learned he was in the hospital! Apparently he had a skin cancer removed from his ear, and it got so infected that he has to spend a couple nights in the hospital on IV antibiotics. This sounds a bit extreme, must either be an unusually aggressive bacterium, or an abscess in the cartilage, which can lead to a deformed ear.
My ex has had a lot of unfortunate medical issues since our divorce. I SWEAR I am not sticking pins in a voodoo doll!!!!
And for those following along about Covid, I recommend reading an excellent recent commentary in Nature titled: “Pandemics disable people — the history lesson that policymakers ignore“
Covid has been described elsewhere as a “mass disabling event”. For those of you who read or watched the movie Awakenings, that was a (still poorly understood) consequence of the Spanish Flu pandemic. Too little attention is being paid right now to how we will handle the large numbers of people being disabled by Covid infections.
Be safe out there.
For the rest of you following along on Covid, cases are now down 81% from the most recent peak. The last hold out mask mandate, Washington state, announced they too finally saw the light and are ending in a few weeks. Of course everyone still has the personal choice and freedom to wear whatever they’d like to wear - or not. 70,000 people mostly massless people attended the super bowel. Right or wrong, good or bad, the insanity is coming to an end and by the end of the year we will see no additional damage. Cold and flu season will now become cold, flu and Covid season. The world will not come to an end after all. Oh, and on March 1st, Biden will declare he beat Covid and the pandemic is over - watch and see.
The Siper Bowl required proof of vaccination or negative test and required masks. Los Angeles still wisely has a mask mandate. Last summer our local new cases were 50 a day. Right now we are still at 2,000. Yes, it’s coming down, but these mask mandates are being removed prematurely for political reasons only, not medical reasons.
Super bowl - phone typing
Oh I know it was “required” but the reports, photos and camera shots told a vastly different story. It’s required for drivers to come to a full stop and not exceed 65 mph too but…
Even California health officials lifted the statewide COVID-19 indoor mask mandate in public settings for vaccinated people on Feb.16 at 12:01 a.m I’m guessing your patients are becoming aware of this. And yes I fully understand private businesses can set their own rules as it should be and have always been and people are still free to wear multiple masks if they so choose. Of course customers also have the freedom to choose as well. This has been the case for many states all along. It’s just quickly spreading to all of the states - even California and Washington.
We are fortunate right now, the covid in our hospital is one patient who will be just fine. It’s at an all time low here.
Schools in my state are ditching the masks on 3/7.
I have to be honest, I hate what this has done to my daughter. She is literally scared not to mask. Kids now are scared to get sick. Like we still will get sick with colds and stomach bugs, and kids are actually scared of that.
I believe we should mask up when surging. But I prefer my kid does not when we don’t. I don’t want her to be fearful to be in public without a mask. It’s shouldn’t be a fear. Believe it or not, I asked her to please take it off in this open air store we were in and no one was around. I just don’t want her to be afraid to not be with it.
She’s nice and vaxxed. And a very healthy girl. I don’t want her to be fearful of everything .
The state still mandates masks in schools and in healthcare settings Don
“ At a White House task force news briefing Wednesday, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Director Rochelle Walensky tried to assure the public that she and her colleagues understand the exhaustion with masking guidance and other pandemic restrictions. The problem is the data: By the CDC’s count, 97 percent of U.S. counties still have “substantial” or “high” community transmission of the virus.”
The problem is that in much of the country we are still not where we should be to remove the masks. And of course the unvaccinated, who are still supposed to mask up in my state, are the exact ones who won’t comply to protect their fellow man. Prematurely abandoning mask wearing where the metrics aren’t there yet will only lead to another surge.
The problem is that in much of the country we are still not where we should be to remove the masks. And of course the unvaccinated, who are still supposed to mask up in my state, are the exact ones who won’t comply to protect their fellow man. Prematurely abandoning mask wearing where the metrics aren’t there yet will only lead to another surge.
I vote that every person on the planet prep up and then self isolate every December. Shut everything down and no interactions outside your core group for 30 days every year.
I vote that every person on the planet prep up and then self isolate every December. Shut everything down and no interactions outside your core group for 30 days every year.
Sarcasm? Or maybe just a different way to celebrate Christmas?
Cold and flu and Covid season. It’s here to stay.