Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: bttrfly Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 08:33 PM
old thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2927872&page=1

Just made Hoppin' John in my Mom's honor - she loved to make it for the new year. Just ate a bowl. Yum.

Made lentil chorizo soup - we Italians love our lentils on New Year's. Also, yum.

Still haven't heard from son ... hoping that's a good sign.

Really enjoyed the discussion on my previous thread.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 08:49 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
I thought true forgiveness was playing ping pong and Mario kart with them. Maybe that’s more pure detachment?

Nope. Neither.

Playing is friendship.

And interestingly, one more easily forgives an enemy than a friend (or self). Well usually. After you see and understand the path that changes.

It is, love the sinner and forgive the sin. Most folks have the object of forgiveness incorrect.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 08:53 PM
LH, I don’t know why you keep using my ping pong and Mario kart playing as a marker for forgiveness and detachment. I reached my detachment long before I ever spent time with them. You know this.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 08:53 PM
Originally Posted by DnJ
Nope. Neither.

Playing is friendship.
Agreed!
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 09:00 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
LH, I don’t know why you keep using my ping pong and Mario kart playing as a marker for forgiveness and detachment. I reached my detachment long before I ever spent time with them. You know this.
ah. I now understand the reference. Thanks for the context. LH ping pong and Mario Kart playing is what a mature person does with their ex for the sake of their child.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 09:09 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
LH, I don’t know why you keep using my ping pong and Mario kart playing as a marker for forgiveness and detachment. I reached my detachment long before I ever spent time with them. You know this.
I’m just using it as an example. Relax! Not judging.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 09:23 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by Ginger1
LH, I don’t know why you keep using my ping pong and Mario kart playing as a marker for forgiveness and detachment. I reached my detachment long before I ever spent time with them. You know this.
ah. I now understand the reference. Thanks for the context. LH ping pong and Mario Kart playing is what a mature person does with their ex for the sake of their child.
So does this mean if I don’t want to play ping pong and Mario Kart I’m immature?
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 10:23 PM
sure.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 10:51 PM
I’m being serious here.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 10:54 PM
Jesus.

I was invited. It was important to my daughter. I chose to do it for her and it was a mature move on my part( thank you bttfly). It wouldn’t be immature if I chose not to, but it was the mature thing to do.

Anyways. Your ex isn’t asking for this and neither are your kids, so don’t worry about it.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 11:02 PM
For the record I would crush her in ping pong.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 11:02 PM
Most parents I know do things for their kids' sakes, even when they don't want to. I think SuperG said it best - no one is putting you in that sitch, so don't worry about it.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 11:03 PM
Also I’m jealous that I’m not in that mindset.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/01/22 11:30 PM
it's ok LH. Many days I'm not either. It's a process.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/02/22 05:34 PM
oh boy ... it's happened. i was in my room, sleeping in, when i heard a faint yet continuous "cockadoodledo" from Odysseus. On the one hand, aw, little man is growing up! on the other, uh oh, the Jig. Is. Up.

So he's feeling comfortable enough to do his rooster thang, but unfortunately, he's announcing his presence to the neighborhood, and we are NOT supposed to have roosters.

Starting to look for a home for him elsewhere again. frown
Posted By: Traveler Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/02/22 05:52 PM
Aww. I know that feeling, butterfly. I petsit a dog this week that didn't meet HOA guidelines and every time it barked at a neighbor's cat I felt a bit of anxiety. Hope you find a good home!
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/02/22 11:33 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
So how do you let them off the hook and still hold them accountable?

Re-visiting this because I just had a conversation with a friend and something there made me think of this discussion.

It's the same as hating someone's behavior but not hating the person. Separating the two. Is that more clear ?
Posted By: 97Hope Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/02/22 11:35 PM
Bttrfly!! I am catching up and read that you are Italian, too!! lol no wonder we get each other! <3

Ok, I know some of you guys got a bit serious, but I like the mario Kart analogy.
I had to attend a graduation of S20 and XH wasn't supposed to be there, but then he was.

I was polite. Period.
He tried to engage in small talk and I treated him like the stranger he is. Polite.
I don't know if I could have played mario kart with him. Know too much about strangulation and have been working out. (jokes, people!). But my youngest is the 20 y/o, so I don't have to and the grandsons don't expect it or ask for it. I think they like the time they get with me where they don't have to share the attention, tbh.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/02/22 11:41 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by LH19
So how do you let them off the hook and still hold them accountable?

Re-visiting this because I just had a conversation with a friend and something there made me think of this discussion.

It's the same as hating someone's behavior but not hating the person. Separating the two. Is that more clear ?
Nope. I need a picture painted. How’s does Ms. Butterfly hold ex Mr. Butterfly accountable?
Posted By: 97Hope Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/02/22 11:51 PM
Hiya LH19.

DnJ phrased it better than I can (I copied the quote on my thread that includes this) but basically saying they owe you nothing for the damage they did. Holding someone accountable can look like no trust, loss of relationship, change of relationship, depending on the injustice done toward a person.

I hate what my XH did to the family, me and our future. I won't be in a relationship with him ever again. I will be polite, I no longer want him to suffer. I let it go. (let him off the hook). The accountability is - he does not have access to my heart or my life, to include my emotions.

He's free to make his choices without any interference with me (off the hook), and I don't share my life with him (accountability). I will be polite to him (off the hook), but I will not act like his wife (accountability). I choose how I respond to him. I might play mario kart with him, for my children's benefit (off the hook), but I don't have to (accountability). It's all my choice.

That's what it looks like for me, at any rate. I think we all have different boundaries, appropriately so.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/03/22 12:12 AM
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Hiya LH19.

DnJ phrased it better than I can (I copied the quote on my thread that includes this) but basically saying they owe you nothing for the damage they did. Holding someone accountable can look like no trust, loss of relationship, change of relationship, depending on the injustice done toward a person.

I hate what my XH did to the family, me and our future. I won't be in a relationship with him ever again. I will be polite, I no longer want him to suffer. I let it go. (let him off the hook). The accountability is - he does not have access to my heart or my life, to include my emotions.

He's free to make his choices without any interference with me (off the hook), and I don't share my life with him (accountability). I will be polite to him (off the hook), but I will not act like his wife (accountability). I choose how I respond to him. I might play mario kart with him, for my children's benefit (off the hook), but I don't have to (accountability). It's all my choice.

That's what it looks like for me, at any rate. I think we all have different boundaries, appropriately so.
Thanks Hope for painting the picture. Pretty much sums up where I’m at almost too a tee. The funny part is before this weekend if someone said “Do you forgive your ex?” I would have said “no”. I kinda always thought someone would actually have to ask for it for me to do it. Maybe I don’t and best on what I’ve read I guess I do. Have to say it doesn’t make me feel better or worse so there’s that. Definitely not playing Mario Kart though lol.

2022 here we come lol.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/03/22 12:50 AM
Hello LH

Yep, forgiveness is bestowed without the need of them asking nor them needing to be worthy. It’s an internal shift of you, regardless of what they are doing or have done.

Before this weekend you’d have said no, if asked if you’d forgiven your ex. How about now?

Have you forgiven your ex?

I suspect not an easy answer. It is a process. No need to think in binary, yes or no. It can be both, and neither, as you journey.

D
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/03/22 01:02 AM
Enough with the Mario kart already!!!!!

And you should pay, it’s super fun.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/03/22 01:52 AM
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by LH19
So how do you let them off the hook and still hold them accountable?

Re-visiting this because I just had a conversation with a friend and something there made me think of this discussion.

It's the same as hating someone's behavior but not hating the person. Separating the two. Is that more clear ?
Nope. I need a picture painted. How’s does Ms. Butterfly hold ex Mr. Butterfly accountable?
I am compassionate to the person he is, someone who was used as a weapon in the war between his parents, rather than cherished as their son, but I never forget for a second what he's amply demonstrated the damage he's capable of inflicting, and I never put myself in any position where I need anything from him if I can help it at all.

The accountability looks a lot like Hope's version - I'm polite, but there's a reserve that will not be breached. Respect, trust have to be earned. No longer freely given. When he contacts me, getting back to him is not a priority. I get back to him when I have free time to do so - not days later, but not immediately either, unless it's convenient for me. Any response from me is now measured and guarded. He was not listed in my mom's obit (he was listed in my dad's) - they loved him like a son, and I did include him but son deleted him from the final draft. Son didn't feel it was appropriate to the relationship in the last years of my mom's life. I feel in retrospect that decision hurt my exh, and I feel sad about it, but you know, you can't have it all ways, and I recognized that my son was not comfortable with his dad being listed and thought it best to honor my son's wishes over ex's hurt feelings.

I'm not sure how to best explain the accountability as a co-parent, without going into details I'd rather not share, so if this leaves questions I apologize and will answer them as best I can while protecting my son's privacy. My son and I had a hellish 2021. He didn't want his father involved, because he doesn't trust his dad. His dad has given ample and quite valid reasons for this mistrust, completely separate from the divorce. I used to try to co-parent, because this is a serious issue and I needed help, desperately. Once I realized that any involvement of ex's only made things more dire for my son as exh is a major trigger, accountability was me finally recognizing that and dealing with it on my own.

Now, some people may not think of that as accountability. It may seem exh was left off the hook. Not so. When son finally asked me to contact his father to tell him of the most recent episode (last spring), I did so with as much gentleness as possible. Why? Because no one needs to hear arguably some of the worst news a parent can hear in a cold manner.

When exh asked questions I told him the truth, because I won't lie when asked a direct question, which our son knows. When exh realized how many months I had been dealing with this, he asked why he wasn't told. I again told him the truth, our son didn't want him to know. This information really needed to come from our son, as coming from me would only make things worse for all of us. I didn't say, "every time I've asked for your help you've heaped abuse on me, told me I was lying, and reviled me to your AP/OW/new wife" - I didn't need to. He knows what he's done. He knows better than I what he's said and to whom he's spread his version of reality. He's responsible entirely for the fact that neither son nor I trust him enough to have him involved in something as deeply personal and serious as what our son has been dealing with and continues to try to heal from. He doesn't know that some of the few times he's talked to or seen our son have led to a recurrence of the most acute symptoms of what son deals with. What exh has is a very limited and tenuous relationship with the person he loves most in the world, our son, because son doesn't feel it's safe to be on intimate terms with his dad. What exh than usually does is contact me when weeks go by without son returning a call or a text, only to have me say "I'll have him contact you" because I'm not the go-between. That's a wifely duty I no longer have to fulfill.

In ex's case, accountability means watching, from a vast distance, your family move on without you. I do everything in my power to encourage son to try to heal his relationship with his dad, when he's ready. I always stress that exh didn't grow up in a vacuum ... that his role models were not the best. I always stress that we are all human, complex, flawed, doing the best we can and sometimes failing epically ... but that doesn't mean his dad doesn't love him, or that I don't love him. I've told son he will have a price to pay if he cuts his dad out of his life completely, but that I will also respect and support his right to decide the boundaries of their relationship.I pray they find a way to heal, for my son's sake more than ex's, although truthfully, they need each other.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/03/22 02:10 AM
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Bttrfly!! I am catching up and read that you are Italian, too!! lol no wonder we get each other! <3
Paisan!!

Originally Posted by 97Hope
Ok, I know some of you guys got a bit serious, but I like the mario Kart analogy.
I had to attend a graduation of S20 and XH wasn't supposed to be there, but then he was.

I was polite. Period.
He tried to engage in small talk and I treated him like the stranger he is. Polite.
I don't know if I could have played mario kart with him. Know too much about strangulation and have been working out. (jokes, people!). But my youngest is the 20 y/o, so I don't have to and the grandsons don't expect it or ask for it. I think they like the time they get with me where they don't have to share the attention, tbh.

yes. well put!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/03/22 02:13 AM
See, I really don’t find it my job to hold my ex accountable. That’s his job and his job only. I won’t be a doormat or abused anymore, and Like bttfly says. The one place I would like to hold his accountable is as a coparent.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/15/22 01:24 PM
Morning. Feeling like the luckiest person on the planet. Had an accident yesterday morning - son and I were driving home when a large pickup truck going in the opposite direction hit the RR tracks too fast. This large metal shelving unit flew up in the air, into my lane and flew straight down and into my windshield. I don't know how we survived - someone is watching over us for real. Something smashed into my son's cheek - we think either the rearview mirror which is dangling by some wire, or the plastic assembly that held it in place. He has a thin cut that looks like a light scratch. That's it. Of course I have myriad tiny cuts on my hands from all the glass, and trying to brush the glass off of me. Otherwise, we're fine.

My beautiful car however needs a new hood, left quarter panel, fender and windshield, plus new windshield wipers and rear view mirror. Thankfully the other driver stopped. My son called the police, who came to the scene. I have to file the crash report later today. My mechanic came with the loaner and a flatbed to bring my car to the shop. I brought my son home, then drove to the shop to clean out the personal stuff in the car that will now be somewhat exposed to the elements. It was somewhat harrowing. I can still see the shelving unit flying down at us - with my eyes open - just looking at anything, even this screen, it's sort of superimposed. I guess that's pretty normal.

I'm looking at yesterday as the BEST DAY EVER because the most important thing here is that my son and I are alive. This could have ended much differently for us. Something came through the windshield, but then bounced back out, thank God.

Later we were able to take care of something for son that was extremely time sensitive - a Hail Mary that I think worked, again Thank God.

Finally, my dog started acting like he was having a seizure last night - no idea what was going on. I found the emergency vet hospital near here (no idea where such things are in this area, now I do) ... got him in there. Apparently he ate an edible cookie a friend had given my son, so yes, my dog is stoned out of his tiny little furry mind. Thankfully he will be ok after some subcutaneous fluids and sleep, plus the vet said he is in terrific shape for an almost 13 year old pup. Maybe now son will heed my requests to keep his smokey treats out of our living space. Another happy surprise - it didn't cost nearly as much as I thought it would, and I had the $$.

Oh, yeah, couple days before that I went into mom's to get a package of chicken out of the freezer and there was no heat - I'd forgotten to check the oil tank - completely out of oil. None of my cousins could help - my Dad was the person everyone in the family would call in this situation. thankfully a friend and his wife came (almost 2 hours round trip for them in the freezing cold), met me at the gas station with 4 gas cans which we filled with diesel, and then he showed me how to bleed and prime a boiler. So, if you're in my area and you need such expertise, I'm your gal. Again -- pipes could have frozen, but they didn't - feeling quite grateful.

So my point here is this: gratitude in the face of everything that happens to us carries us a long way.
Posted By: kml Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/15/22 01:40 PM
Phew! Girl, go buy a lottery ticket!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/15/22 01:42 PM
(((Bttrfly)))

I’m so glad you and son are ok. Your car can be fixed. You definitely had an angel watching over you.

Now that I know your pup is ok, that story is a bit funny but glad the pooch is ok too.

We recently had a similar issue with our heat but back in business now. You rock, my friend!

I love your positive spin on what could’ve been some very bad experiences. Take it easy today and take care of yourself.
Posted By: job Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/15/22 02:49 PM
Thank God you and your son are okay. What a scary incident. Both of you were very lucky because this could have been far, far worse. I hope that the guy who created this situation has good insurance and will work with you and your mechanic.

Definitely, someone was watching over you yesterday. I would venture to say it was your mother and father. I hope that today will be a better day and you and your son can unwind a bit from that accident today.

You are truly blessed!
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/15/22 03:02 PM
Originally Posted by kml
Phew! Girl, go buy a lottery ticket!
I did - a $5 scratch ticket. I didn't win, lol. But I won everything that matter, right? Oh forgot - on Wednesday I noticed my car was leaking gas. When it was at the shop on Friday they checked it - I need a new fuel filter - cheap and easy fix! Woot!
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/15/22 03:18 PM
Glad everyone is ok for a particular value of ok. I know how much you love that car (and your son and the doggo) - hopefully it can be fixed up as good as new.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/15/22 03:34 PM
Glad you’re safe BF. One of the beautiful things about go through D you really start to understand what is important in life.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/15/22 03:46 PM
Good Morning bttrfly

Wow!

Glad you and son are safe.

It’s amazing how quickly, in the blink of an eye, things can change. And change again.

Such a harrowing event, a damaging event; then a thankful grateful event. I agree, someone is watching over you. To exit that with just a scratch; yeah, blessed.

Life is short, and can and does change in an instant; live it well and fully. I believe your Mom said something like that to you from her deathbed, and now again. And Dad probably had a hand in this as well. (((Hug)))

Originally Posted by bttrfly
my dog is stoned out of his tiny little furry mind.

Lol.

Oh my, he’d be so loopy. He’s going to crave snacks. smile

D
Posted By: 97Hope Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/16/22 01:56 AM
holy cannoli!! Glad you and son are ok. Those close calls really put life into perspective.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/16/22 01:18 PM
ok. no heat downstairs. wth??? i remembered that thermostats now have batteries. I've changed the battery and have the gas fireplace going. fingers crossed I fixed the issue. except. the water isn't working in my fridge. so. we wait.

you know. just saying. being a bad @$$ can be somewhat tiring.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/16/22 01:24 PM
plus woken up by the great horned owl serenading me last night. woke up my son as well. i also had really weird dreams. Mom and I were driving somewhere, that's all I remember. I think son was with us, but not sure. She was wearing a pink sweater. That I remember. Then another dream there was a commercial on tv for an album I thought she'd enjoy, so I went to order it, then I remembered she'd passed ... so I woke myself up, crying. it's ok. this is part of the process. then another weird dream somehow involving exh and OW/2.0/Vista and her non-existent daughter (she has two sons) ... and a house that was mine and exh's ... I dunno. didn't look like our marital home ... and finally one with the guy I blocked, except we were sort of seeing each other (which would be a really bad idea on my part) ... again. no idea what this was about. my subconscious is all over the place, right?

good grief. who needs travel with this kind of active dreamstate?
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/17/22 06:51 AM
(((BF))). So glad you and your son and your puppy are okay. I love your reaction to it. So many people would be focused on the negatives and the inconveniences but not you… you went straight to the bright side. Good for you!!! If more people did that, this world would be a much nicer place.

RE: your dream. I had some really vivid ones after my dad died (a very real-feeling conversation with him) and my mom too. Waking up in tears happened on a couple of occasions. I think you are right…it’s all part of the process. Your subconscious mind will even out over time. You don’t just get over losses like that in a few weeks. It takes time.

I also agree with you and your perspective on holding your XH accountable and how it isn’t your job. I, too, am polite and reserved when I see my kids’ dad. Hard to believe that it has only been three and a half years since I found out about him and OW because he really is a stranger to me now. Co-parenting with a stranger that you can’t trust is definitely not easy. I used to give him my trust freely but those days are gone. Like you said…trust is earned and I’m pretty sure my kids will be adults and living independently long before he has earned mine - if that’s even possible.

Hope your heat problems are solved quickly and cheaply. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/17/22 03:45 PM
changing the batteries in the thermostat fixed it, DV ... thankfully !
If I stop to think about it (and I try not to, truthfully) I find it almost unfathomable that more than half my life was spent with someone I don't speak to ... that I share a child with someone who is a complete stranger, whose values are so far removed from mine. Oh well. That's life, right?
Posted By: DonH Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/17/22 05:17 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I find it almost unfathomable that more than half my life was spent with someone I don't speak to ... that I share a child with someone who is a complete stranger, whose values are so far removed from mine.

It is sorta surreal isn’t it? I mean even though my time together with my ex was probably around half that of yours, maybe even less, it is crazy to think how two people can see each other pretty much every day for nearly 10,000 days and then rarely if ever speak. Probably best not to think about it but dang, as the song lyrics go, how bizarre, how bizarre.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/17/22 06:05 PM
It's a dynamic that can change. I speak to my XW again. It took years for most of my anger and other feelings surrounding the divorce to dissipate but it eventually happened.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/17/22 06:35 PM
Originally Posted by Traveler
It's a dynamic that can change. I speak to my XW again. It took years for most of my anger and other feelings surrounding the divorce to dissipate but it eventually happened.
It will not change.

Unlike your children CW, our son isn't a minor. We have no reason to speak.

Exh has the life he's made with OW/2.0/Vista and I have my life. We are 6,000 miles apart physically and a universe apart in every other way that matters.
Posted By: kml Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/22/22 12:26 AM
Hoping you have a good weekend with no more disasters!
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/23/22 04:10 PM
so far ok ... scored an awesome air fryer deal yesterday. working on the kitchen to figure out placement for two crock pots, an insta-pot and the air fryer and toaster oven, lol. having difficulty with sleep still. moving forward. hope you're having a lovely weekend.
xoxo thanks for the check-in.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/24/22 08:16 PM
just heard from the appraiser - my beloved car is NOT totaled!!! YAY!!!!
he also said we were extremely lucky ...
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/24/22 08:34 PM
Good thing you are such a good driver to get safely off the road with all that chaos.

Very happy for you that your car is going to be resurrected again - I know you love it a lot.

PS - How's Ozy the renegade rooster?
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/24/22 10:11 PM
Ody aka Odysseus, seems to have integrated into the flock. Yay! He's quiet, so hopefully I can keep him under the radar.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/25/22 02:27 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Ody aka Odysseus, seems to have integrated into the flock. Yay! He's quiet, so hopefully I can keep him under the radar.
Fabulous news! Although there is a that whole bit about a Mommy Chicken and a Daddy Chicken who are part of a committed relationship get "certain urges" ....

On the farm we used to mark one of the eggs under a brooding hen mainly to keep her using the same nest. She wouldn't look for a new spot as long as there was one of her eggs left. You may want to practice candling your eggs and marking the egg that stays would make sure you don't take a developing one by accident. We'd just hold them up to a lightbulb.

Although I expect you've already thought that through. When do roosters get "frisky"? I don't recall - we never bothered keeping track of such things.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/25/22 03:53 PM
no idea; they haven't started laying again so i'm not thinking about it. I check for eggs 2x a day and won't be letting anyone's broodiness take hold.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/28/22 12:00 AM
Chicken update for Andrew: either Blossom or Marigold gave an egg today, a very pleasant surprise! They stopped during fall molt in Octoberish-Septemberish time frame. Ody is on the top roost in the middle of the flock at bedtime. Very sweet.
Posted By: pinn Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/29/22 01:54 PM
Hope you handle the storm alright bfly… already stacking up pretty nicely where I’m at.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/29/22 08:11 PM
Originally Posted by pinn
Hope you handle the storm alright bfly… already stacking up pretty nicely where I’m at.
Hey Pinn hope you do as well. Made a rocking beef stew, watching the battle for Winterfell episode of Game of Thrones. Still snowing here but not at all like they predicted. Light and fluffy. What about where you are?
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/29/22 11:26 PM
STILL snowing. It was supposed to stop at 5 - no let up in sight!
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 01/30/22 06:44 AM
Been there done that over Christmas Bttrfly. The light fluffy stuff is much better than the wet stuff… much easier to shovel and to drive on. Hope it stays that way. Beef stew and an episode of GoT sounds like a good way to ride out the storm. Stay safe!!!
Posted By: Traveler Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 02/04/22 06:05 PM
Originally Posted by Butterfly
It's not appropriate and frankly is harmful to others seeking help from damage caused by their WAS.
Hi Butterfly, I'll reply to your message to me here to not hijack kas's thread. I get that I and another poster upset some when we explain where WAS may be coming from. I suspect the reason they react to us and not Sandi is because Sandi regrets her choices. When I insert this info, I do so because I believe a WAS behavior has been misunderstood, and understanding could help the LBS more effectively win them back, negotiate, or release anger. My message was not intended to harm Butterfly or bring down her day. I will strive to add a trigger warning next time. Peace and enjoy the rest of your day.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 02/04/22 11:59 PM
take it to the WAS thread Traveler.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 02/05/22 02:38 AM
No interest. I’m dropping this and will leave you be.
Posted By: kml Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 02/05/22 05:39 PM
At what age will your rooster start crowing? I don’t know anything about chickens except for gathering eggs from under the laying hens at my uncles ranch when I was a kid.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 02/05/22 08:40 PM
Originally Posted by kml
At what age will your rooster start crowing? I don’t know anything about chickens except for gathering eggs from under the laying hens at my uncles ranch when I was a kid.
A couple of Sundays ago I slept until 8:15.. I woke up to a somewhat quiet and tentative series of cockadoodle doos ... that's the only time I've heard him do it, and I'm home most of the time. He was so funny ... like he wasn't sure he should or what he was doing but he knew I was an hour late for breakfast and he was hungry.

I'm sure it will happen sooner rather than later.
Posted By: devvo Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 02/05/22 11:28 PM
When I first read about your "roo" I wondered who on earth kept pet kangaroos that go a'wandering round your part of the planet. I had to go back and read very carefully to work out why you were so blasé about semi-adopting a new marsupial family member....
Posted By: kml Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 02/06/22 02:49 AM
Lolol
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 02/06/22 05:05 PM
Originally Posted by devvo
When I first read about your "roo" I wondered who on earth kept pet kangaroos that go a'wandering round your part of the planet. I had to go back and read very carefully to work out why you were so blasé about semi-adopting a new marsupial family member....
well, if one wandered by, i'd be happy to adopt it! what does one feed that type of a marsupial?
Posted By: devvo Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 02/06/22 09:09 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by devvo
When I first read about your "roo" I wondered who on earth kept pet kangaroos that go a'wandering round your part of the planet. I had to go back and read very carefully to work out why you were so blasé about semi-adopting a new marsupial family member....
well, if one wandered by, i'd be happy to adopt it! what does one feed that type of a marsupial?

Most Aussies leave roos to their natural environment as they aren't particularly engaging. They are also very nomadic. If you wanted to try keeping one though, you'd feed it hay, carrots, apples etc. I've heard they have digestive tracts similar to alpacas.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 02/08/22 01:45 PM
well, if a wild roo of the Aussie variety wandered through my back yard in New England I would certainly call the environmental police ... a serval was found and captured not too long ago in a nearby town. someone owned him illegally and dumped the poor little guy. He had a terrible injury to one leg which required that it be amputated. He's now in a sanctuary where he can be happy for the rest of his days. People s&ck.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 02/08/22 09:11 PM
G I was speaking strictly about my sitch, not commenting on anyone else's comments on Andrew's sitch. It hit a nerve because in the past year I've had so many people tell me to walk away from my son, kick him out, don't take his calls, let him be homeless. Had I done any of those things for any great length of time, he'd be dead today. A scant few of you know details about my sitch, enough to know that I am not being hyperbolic when I say this. Yet these people all meant well, and one dear friend who has gone through something similar with his son did do all those things, and his son is thriving today. My son is not my friend's son. My friend knows his son better than I do, and I know mine better than he does. What helped his son thrive almost killed mine. I did follow some of this advice and it did not work. I'm personally not going down that road again. That was really my point, that we each know our own kids and situations best. None of us gives full details here and some of the details which are left out would probably change a lot of the advice given.

G, you are absolutely the best person to be not-so-little G's mom, and it shows, because she's doing great. I have the utmost respect for you, and you know that - at least I hope you do. Honestly, I couldn't play video games with my exh. He is barely able to be civil to me on the very rare occasions when we do speak - and those occasions are usually calls from him and are always about our son.

As for my time here coming to a close, it's something I've been thinking about for quite a while, LH. No G, you are not factoring into that decision. When I found these forums, I was in a much different place in my life. The people on the MLC board helped me immensely and I'm truly grateful and will continue to try to give back there when time permits, and when I can stomach reading some of the painful situations without feeling so sad.

If I'm being honest, I find it more and more difficult to relate to a lot of the things people post about on this particular forum. It leads me to believe that my post divorce journey is probably going in a much different direction. I may still pop in from time to time, but my journey lies elsewhere.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Knocking on Heart's Door - 02/08/22 09:26 PM
Originally Posted by Butterfly
If I'm being honest, I find it more and more difficult to relate to a lot of the things people post about on this particular forum. It leads me to believe that my post divorce journey is probably going in a much different direction. I may still pop in from time to time, but my journey lies elsewhere.
That makes sense. The mentors, the support groups we need change throughout our lives. If you decide to leave or less frequently visit this group, I wish you happy travels on your journey through life.
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