Hello kas
I got to thinking last night that all my attorney did was send a final offer. If he doesn't take it then we go to court.
You’ve provided a fair offer. The ball is now in STBXH’s court. No need to focus upon it for the time being.
I'm whining. I got to thinking last night my only fear is that I'm going to end up alone. I'm not interested in doing this again and have zero interest in dating right now. I'll be 56 this year.
And yes I realize this is everyone's fear (said after I peeked at a few other threads). I need to stop worrying because for me life has always worked out even if I hated the process. lol
Don't get me wrong sometimes I miss having a SO but then I imagine what it would be like and I'm like nope I'm good. But I'm sure once the kids move out I might feel differently.
It’s ok. You’re allowed to whine.
Now, I’m pretty sure you know me and my striving to be, and see, accurate. Therefore, a few helpful suggestions.
I totally get being fearful of ending up alone. However, I think the fear is being lonely rather than alone. There is a difference. One can feel lonely while in a room full of people. And one can be content while being on their own and alone.
My hustle and bustle household of six is now just me. The four kids have all moved out and I live alone, aside from my two outside dogs. And I am not lonely.
Fear is a very real response to an imagined future. A future that is only a possibility. Fear is crafted and reinforced from the linking of our unwanted imagined future with certain triggers or events. Untying that link, dispels fear.
I’ve posted quite a bit on various strategies for uncoupling and letting go of fear. It is not as easy as just stop doing it. Fear lives mostly in our irrational realm. It exists completely outside of our logical and rational directly controllable self. A pure logic is devoid of emotion and thus knows not fear. That is different than fearless.
One of my favourite strategies is to rationalize our irrational coupling between future and event and outcome. Firstly, one has to acknowledge what fear is; that uncontrollable feeling of dread. To acknowledge its area of effect is within our irrational self. With that, we realize we can utilize our direct control of thoughts and actions to affect/craft/encourage/reinforce different links for those triggers or events. Like T said, you still have support of loving family and friends; pointing out a good positive future. And you are already re-linking when you imagine the good future without grouchy H.
I'm over the financial injustice but I'm not over the OW. He didn't have to date at all she just fell into his lap at work. He never had to be single, never had to be alone. Not for one single day. 3 years later and they are still together.
What's stupid is I like being single. After 30 years of living with a grouch this is like a breath of fresh air. It's like my brain is stuck though and I can't get past it. Does that make sense??
Very nice to see you acknowledge and know what’s bothering you. And yes, feeling like your brain is stuck, does make sense.
Stuck and can’t get past it. (I’m going to point out some inaccuracies. Then you can see clearly and move forward easier.)
Let’s start with “can’t”. Can’t get past it. Nope. It’s, “won’t”. I’m stuck and won’t get passed it.
Your mind is always listening. What you say matters. Your mind crafts your reality, and it will make what you say - real. If you say can’t, your mind will ensure it remains impossible. And very few things are truly impossible. (Me becoming pregnant is an example.
)
This speaking accurately really matter for that internal voice we all have. That story we tell inside ourself. If you think/say can’t, you’ll end up believing it.
“Won’t” is awesome. That very word and idea allows for change. “Won’t” puts you in control, its not left to fate or the situation or H or some other out of reach thing. You control you.
“I won’t” can become “I can” which becomes “I will” and eventually “I do” and “I did”.
It is also interesting your usage of being stuck.
Grief takes time to traverse. It is pretty clear you have angry feelings. And as you say, somewhat stuck. My opinion is two fold, the aforementioned believing in “can’t”. The second is your unrealized reason for your anger.
You state you are over the financial injustice but not over OW. And then vent about H’s luck and his charmed life of the last three years, and nothing about OW.
kas, you are over OW (from what’s written and for the purposes of this post). It’s H’s seemingly good fortune; his never having to date, never having to be single, never having to be alone; with which you are stuck. Not OW.
One needs to see clearly to find their way.
Seeing and feeling our emotions towards the real and intended target is needed. Then one can feel and let go.
I'm over the financial injustice but I'm not over the OW yet still upset over H’s seemingly good fortune. He didn't have to date at all she just fell into his lap at work. He never had to be single, never had to be alone. Not for one single day. 3 years later and they are still together.
Knowing what you are upset with gives you something that you can work on to make things better for you.
Notice all the “you” in the previous statement? There were four of them. Try say it while emphasizing each.
Grief is us finding acceptance which is emotional understanding. Grief is a process of one’s self. It’s about you.
You are striving to accept H’s good fortune. Let go. It matters not. Accept it.
Lastly for this post:
What's stupid is I like being single.
Not stupid at all. Your mind is listening.
There is nothing wrong with being single. In fact, remaining single is a very wise choice while embroiled within a divorce, and for a good year post signed legal finalized divorce. Much will settle after the divorce fades and the shenanigans of H are mere memories.
I am glad you like being single. And I know you don’t mean it’s stupid, but your mind doesn’t know that. Now that’s something to get your mind wrapped around. Lol.
Have a great night.
D
