Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: LH19 Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 01:58 PM
Ok people I may regret this lol but I lay my situation out there for feedback or to help others . I have been dating this woman since the end of July. We kinda have the chicken and egg thing going on. She wants more closeness/intimacy and I can't get there because we rarely see each other. She has a 10 year old and a every other weekend dad. So we spend some time together and start to get close then go like two weeks with maybe seeing one another for a couple hours after work. I think we been dating longer than CWs and sunshine and he is throwing out the I love yous and I feel I am no where close to that. I certainly care about her but that is where I am at. Lots of other stuff going on Covid, she's an anti-vaxer and just quit her job over it, both of our vehicles are out of commission etc. Bring on peeps lol.
Posted By: wayfarer Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 02:17 PM
Sir, are you seriously telling me you're trying to make it work with an out of work anti-vaxxer whom you've been seeing for like 6months and you haven't caught feelings and still only see her like every other weekend, sometimes?

1) I'm not entirely sure why you're trying to make this work, but to each their own I guess.

2) If you haven't caught feeling in 6 months the likelihood that you're going to catch them in the near future is slim to none.

My opinion. Cut bait and run before you're buying a 'don't tread on me' flag as a Christmas present and $100 of groceries for the New Year.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 02:32 PM
Well it's been more like 4 months. I wouldn't say I have no feelings for her.

Thanks for your opinion W.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 02:45 PM
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Sir, are you seriously telling me you're trying to make it work with an out of work anti-vaxxer whom you've been seeing for like 6months and you haven't caught feelings and still only see her like every other weekend, sometimes?

1) I'm not entirely sure why you're trying to make this work, but to each their own I guess.

2) If you haven't caught feeling in 6 months the likelihood that you're going to catch them in the near future is slim to none.

My opinion. Cut bait and run before you're buying a 'don't tread on me' flag as a Christmas present and $100 of groceries for the New Year.

Wayfarer. I follow your posts and I would love to hang out in sweats and eat wings and drink beer with you.

I’m not going to give my opinion LH’s live life. But I absolutely have zero tolerance for anti-vaxxers and those who will lose their job over it, especially when they have themselves and kids to support. They are the most irresponsible people living in the realm of an alternate universe with no regards for other humans and think they are being American when in fact they don’t get much more American
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 02:54 PM
Well it's not an American thing it is a health concern. I actually respect her for not giving in and standing up for what she believes in. Even if it goes against what I believe.
Posted By: wayfarer Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 02:56 PM
Oh so literally LH

I'll give you 5 months. And 'catching feelings' is falling in love. It's colloquialism popular with the kids and by kids I mean people in their 30s. Anyway, feelings are a scope. It's not all or none. You don't have to commit because you care about her. And you don't have to throw the relationship away because you don't. I know you like your dualities with absolutely no gray area, but my point here is you're 5 months in and this isn't an "I love you" situation, so there are questions to be asked:

- Are you not going out of your way to spend more time because you are unsure about your connections or is she limiting the amount of time you guys spend together because of the kiddo?
- 4-6 months in most people are meeting other people's kids and if you're not meeting this kid because she not sure where this is going because she wants more intimacy or your not comfortable because you don't spend that much time together? How long are you wiling to go around in this circle without any change in the dynamic?
- Your girl just put herself out of a job on purpose while she has a vehicle in need of repairs. Does she have a job lined up? What are her expectations of you going forward? Will you have to come to her for the foreseeable future? What kind of help are you going to be willing to extend to her when she inevitably needs some if there's no job lined up? What's going to be a deal breaker in this situation?

That being said I stand by if your 5 months in and not in love, not falling, still figuring it out, the likelihood it will bloom into more is slim.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 03:03 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Well it's not an American thing it is a health concern. I actually respect her for not giving in and standing up for what she believes in. Even if it goes against what I believe.


A health concern? The health concern is COVID
Posted By: kml Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 03:19 PM
Quote
Lots of other stuff going on Covid, she's an anti-vaxer and just quit her job over it, both of our vehicles are out of commission etc. Bring on peeps lol.

If she had a LEGITIMATE health concern she wouldn’t be losing her job over it. There are exceptions for people with PEG allergies, for example. And I agree with others - a mom supporting a child who quits her job because she’s not willing to get a vaccine to protect the people around her tells me something about her character and her susceptibility to internet misinformation that would make her unattractive to me.

My sister had a full blown allergic reaction to her second dose of Pfizer, but still got J and J for a booster ( successfully!) because she has two other people in her household to protect and works with schoolchildren.

As for the whole every other weekend thing - that seems like it’s just a fact of life when you are divorced with kids. Could you pay for a babysitter one of the weekend nights that she has her kid?

Then again - I’m kinda getting from your post that you’re not really that into her.If she was the ONE, I think you would find a way around these obstacles.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 03:23 PM
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Are you not going out of your way to spend more time because you are unsure about your connections or is she limiting the amount of time you guys spend together because of the kiddo?
It's mainly time limited thing because of the kid.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
- 4-6 months in most people are meeting other people's kids and if you're not meeting this kid because she not sure where this is going because she wants more intimacy or your not comfortable because you don't spend that much time together? How long are you wiling to go around in this circle without any change in the dynamic?
That's the million dollar question. I am in no hurry to meet or have her meet my kids.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
- Your girl just put herself out of a job on purpose while she has a vehicle in need of repairs. Does she have a job lined up?
Yes and no she has to be certified first which she is working on.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
What are her expectations of you going forward? Will you have to come to her for the foreseeable future?
Actually her car will be fixed before mine.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
What kind of help are you going to be willing to extend to her when she inevitably needs some if there's no job lined up? What's going to be a deal breaker in this situation?
She seems to have it all figured out. Haven't thought about deal breakers.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
That being said I stand by if your 5 months in and not in love, not falling, still figuring it out, the likelihood it will bloom into more is slim.
And that's ok. I am not a this has to be happy ever after or I am out kinda guy.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 03:25 PM
Originally Posted by kml
Quote
Lots of other stuff going on Covid, she's an anti-vaxer and just quit her job over it, both of our vehicles are out of commission etc. Bring on peeps lol.

If she had a LEGITIMATE health concern she wouldn’t be losing her job over it. There are exceptions for people with PEG allergies, for example. And I agree with others - a mom supporting a child who quits her job because she’s not willing to get a vaccine to protect the people around her tells me something about her character and her susceptibility to internet misinformation that would make her unattractive to me.

My sister had a full blown allergic reaction to her second dose of Pfizer, but still got J and J for a booster ( successfully!) because she has two other people in her household to protect and works with schoolchildren.

As for the whole every other weekend thing - that seems like it’s just a fact of life when you are divorced with kids. Could you pay for a babysitter one of the weekend nights that she has her kid?

Then again - I’m kinda getting from your post that you’re not really that into her.If she was the ONE, I think you would find a way around these obstacles.
LOL. This place is awesome.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 03:34 PM
So, yeah, this is totally going to seem like a smart @$$ comment and I swear that is not the place I'm coming from, but I'm just wondering what happened to your famous triple Hs here? If you aren't feeling the closeness, but you already said you aren't one of those guys who is out if love doesn't "bloom", what is different in this situation? I'm just wondering what you're even really contemplating if you are such a staunch advocate of HHH. Do you want to have stronger feelings or want her to have stronger feelings or do you want to hear or say ILU? You don't strike me as someone who says ILU early on and you also strike me as someone who makes d@mn sure he is absolutely 100% all in before saying it because you don't want to jerk anyone around.

For me, personally, it is about the person. I may or may not be "sure" at 5-6 months in. I may or may not be catching feelings at that point and if I like the person, I don't really care if I'm not. I liked Sparky and enjoyed time with him, but it took us a little longer than that to get to ILU. He did meet one of my kids at about 7 months, but it is a little different for me because my kids are adults. I don't have the dynamic of little kids, though I do have grandkids, so I have to be careful there because they are all pretty little still.

I do think people should stand up for what they believe in, but at the same time, I think it is crazy for a single mom to quit a job over a belief if she doesn't have another one ready to go or she's independently wealthy enough to support herself and her child with no assistance. Seems kind of selfish to me but in full disclosure, I got both vaccinations and booster as soon as I was able, so I'm totally a vaxxer. wink
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 03:45 PM
Originally Posted by Dawn70
Do you want to have stronger feelings or want her to have stronger feelings or do you want to hear or say ILU?
No I want to continue to triple H until I can figure out my feelings and if she's a good match. What I don't want to do a CW and throw out the ILUs hang with the kids and then dump her.
Originally Posted by Dawn70
You don't strike me as someone who says ILU early on and you also strike me as someone who makes d@mn sure he is absolutely 100% all in before saying it because you don't want to jerk anyone around.
You are spot on.
Originally Posted by Dawn70
For me, personally, it is about the person. I may or may not be "sure" at 5-6 months in. I may or may not be catching feelings at that point and if I like the person, I don't really care if I'm not. I liked Sparky and enjoyed time with him, but it took us a little longer than that to get to ILU. He did meet one of my kids at about 7 months, but it is a little different for me because my kids are adults. I don't have the dynamic of little kids, though I do have grandkids, so I have to be careful there because they are all pretty little still.
Thanks Dawn for showing me I am not crazy for being unsure.
Originally Posted by Dawn70
I do think people should stand up for what they believe in, but at the same time, I think it is crazy for a single mom to quit a job over a belief if she doesn't have another one ready to go or she's independently wealthy enough to support herself and her child with no assistance.
I should explain she has a plan and can take the jab and go back at any time. She actually had an appt to do it and then backed out.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 04:08 PM
Not commenting on LH’s situation, but

I’m sure a guy could HHH and for a long time and not take it to the next level no problem.

Generally, women would like to see something progress at the 4-6 month mark. Still having a guy unsure does make one wonder if they are on the same path. Are both parties happy with the HHH? What are the intentions ?

Usually one party is wanting to escalate a little and if the other was is still unsure, the pressure is ok to sh!t or get off the pot.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 04:10 PM
What does the next level mean?
Posted By: DonH Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 05:30 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
LOL. This place is awesome.

I was not going to comment. I told myself don’t comment. But perhaps this ^^^^^^^^ is the perfect comment.

It’s clear that fully vaccinated people are transmitting Covid to both other fully vaccinated and non vaccinated people. It’s clear that no less than half the country is now fully vaccinated. The stats are even higher in some areas and significantly higher for the truly at risk people 65 and older. All this yet the numbers are still very high. Hmmmmm More people have died this year with a vaccine available and 5-0+ percent protected than died last year without one. All this yet still somehow people believe that the answer is a vaccine that clearly never had 95% efficacy and barely lasts 6 months. All the vaccine does is protect the person who receives it - and it appears to do an average to decent job of that. But this fantasy of it totally preventing transmission or keeping the vaccinated from contracting Covid, or the truly crazy fantasy of eradicating Covid from the planet is, well, fantasy.

As for losing a job, Um, hello, we’ve got more jobs than people to fill them. Anyone with any level of skills and half a brain can probably have several job offers by the end of the week. Will they pay $100K - probably not but jobs are EVERYWHERE. It’s easy to speak your opinion and beliefs. It takes true courage to live it. Standing by her convictions in my opinion puts a checkbox in the plus column for her. Because clearly my body my choice only applies to killing babies not actually what happens to or goes into your body.

Oh and just because someone chooses not get get a Covid vaccine does not make them anti-vax. It’s a choice not a mandate. At least depending on where you live and once the courts are done the mandates will be gone - 4-0 against already. But my point is Many have other vaccines and will likely get more as they age even if they currently chose not to get this one.

You’re right LH. This place is awesome. smile. And other things.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 05:49 PM
Don,

I have to be honest your post makes a lot of sense.

I told her I was proud of her for taking her stance all the way. 3 people caved the last day including a surgeon who told her the vaccine hasn't been tested enough to know if it's safe.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 05:55 PM
“Caved?” Or actually finally thought clearly? One surgeon says there isn’t enough data? Jesus.


I know as a mother no income would be much more harmful than me getting a vaccine. I would surely take one for my kid. They wanted to inject me a little poinsom that might make a little sick and not kill me, I’d do that for my kid too

Bad topic for me, I’ll stay far away.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 06:01 PM
I thought it was insane too.

Wouldn't it be an crazy world if everyone had the same beliefs?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 06:02 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
I thought it was insane too.

Wouldn't it be an crazy world if everyone had the same beliefs?

Oh, but you are proud of her .

Doesn’t she have 2 kids to support ?
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 06:10 PM
I thought you were staying away lol?

Yes because she stood up for what she believed in.

Yes. Maybe she has money? She talked about possibly bartending until she gets her certification.

Are you not concerned what the govt is going to mandate next?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 06:18 PM
Not concerned at all. A vaccine in the face of a pandemic that killed so many and left plenty of survivors with probably a life time of illness wasn’t a needless government mandate.


An unvaccinated bartender during a pandemic? Jesus. God knows what she will bring home
Posted By: DonH Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 06:18 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
One surgeon says there isn’t enough data? Jesus.

Oh I can name MANY healthcare providers that believe the jury is still way out on the vaccines. Many interestingly also believe natural immunity is far superior. These are not low level quacks either. One was chair of a state medical board (years back) another was the most amazing ER doc I’ve ever worked with, was a flight doc on and on. Interestingly though the great majority of these folks are outside of corporate medicine. Isn’t that interesting. These huge one size fits all corporations who won’t allow their doctors to actually practice medicine let alone speak their minds are making healthcare much worse. Its almost like indoctrination or a cult. Even my PMD when discussing the vaccine for me said “would you like the corporate stance I’m supposed to give you or my actual opinion? You’re not recording me are you? Lol”

And for the record, I’ll lay it out so I’m not misquoted, I believe everyone over 65 should strongly consider getting vaccinated. I’d nearly plead for you to do it. 40 to 65, it depends but probably a good idea. 20 to 40, it really depends. And under 20. Likely not worth the unknown or already seen risk. In the end however, it’s YOUR CHOICE.

There are just way more who are unsure or against but they have been brow beat or threatened with their jobs. Well what a way to win an argument or influence people - threaten them. There’s good medical practice - as a physician the corporation will tell you how to practice and what to say - after buying up all of these independent practices and pushing them into their conglomerate. Scary.


And with that I’m done hijacking your new thread. Maybe I’ll even comment n the actual topic.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 06:23 PM
Don you are like my new hero. I couldn't agree with you more.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 06:24 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
An unvaccinated bartender during a pandemic? Jesus. God knows what she will bring home
Good point. I better stop at the drug store on the way home lol.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 07:02 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
What I don't want to do a CW and throw out the ILUs.. and then dump her.
Well, if you're not feeling ILU, don't say ILU. If you are consistently feeling ILU--it's hard to take back--I'd question whether you're doing anyone a favor being less than genuine about your feelings.

Originally Posted by LH19
What I don't want to do a CW and throw out the ILUs hang with the kids and then dump her.
I focus on my kids. At 4mo, I did not feel comfortable introducing Ms. Sunshine. I've never introduced a date to my kids before 12mo. That's not a hard limit, but that's been my comfort level so far in a decade of dating.

Does your GF even want you to meet her son? If yes, if I understand your dilemma you disagree with her approach of introducing guys 6mo in. If you feel strongly, tell her your timeline, or move on and let her introduce someone else? You don't control whether her son meets guys 6mo in. You control if you're a man he meets.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 07:26 PM
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Well, if you're not feeling ILU, don't say ILU.
I am not so I don't.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I'd question whether you're doing anyone a favor being less than genuine about your feelings.
I am very genuine with my feelings that is part of my problem.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Does your GF even want you to meet her son?
No.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
You don't control whether her son meets guys 6mo in.
Well I hope she isn't introducing her son to another dude.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
You control if you're a man he meets.
so true.
Posted By: wayfarer Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 08:07 PM
LH just out of curiosity what would you like to get out of this thread?

-Are you trying to figure out if you should stick this out or walk away?
-Are you trying to figure out if you should give in and let the walls down for more intimacy?
-Are you trying to figure out if she's a good fit?
-Are you trying to figure out if this relationship is a good fit?
-Are you trying to figure out a time line for how long you should give this a chance for before calling it quits?
-Are you trying to figure out what your needs and wants are to continue pursuing this or to forge a deeper connection?
-Are you trying to figure out what you need to know that it's time to call it quits?


To be honest you've given very little info on her, on where you're at mentally and emotionally with this, and on the relationship.

I'm actually staying out of the political portions of this, regardless of my plethora of opinions on everything stated here because if you really are trying to think this through via crowd sourced opinions we need to get back on topic and you're going to just need to give more.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/08/21 08:27 PM
Originally Posted by wayfarer
-Are you trying to figure out if you should stick this out or walk away?
Yes
Originally Posted by wayfarer
-Are you trying to figure out if you should give in and let the walls down for more intimacy?
Yes
Originally Posted by wayfarer
-Are you trying to figure out if she's a good fit?
Yes
Originally Posted by wayfarer
-Are you trying to figure out if this relationship is a good fit?
Yes
Originally Posted by wayfarer
-Are you trying to figure out a time line for how long you should give this a chance for before calling it quits?
Yes
Originally Posted by wayfarer
-Are you trying to figure out what your needs and wants are to continue pursuing this or to forge a deeper connection?
Yes
Originally Posted by wayfarer
-Are you trying to figure out what you need to know that it's time to call it quits?

Yes

Originally Posted by wayfarer
To be honest you've given very little info on her, on where you're at mentally and emotionally with this, and on the relationship.

Where I am at right now. I like her and we have fun when together. She wants more from me. I can give her more when we are together. Then we don't see each other for awhile and I lose the closeness. She's not a great communicator so it's hard for me to tell where she's at sometimes. Now I know she has a lot on her plate so obliviously her mind is elsewhere. I actually called it quits a few weeks back but she contacted me and we are giving it one more go.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/09/21 12:09 AM
LH, it's hard to build momentum given the restrictions you guys have on your time together, which makes me feel like you're right where you're supposed to be at this point. Forget a pre-set or conceived timeline; you guys aren't seeing each other enough for that.

Re: CW trouwring out ILUs and you not there yet. Comparing apples to oranges. Different people, different relationships, and heck yeah, different histories going into said relationships. Comparing oneself to someone else always makes one feel like they are coming up short. Don't do it.

I think you're going to have to wait a while to see what happens. You like her. You have fun together. If she wants more she will make it a priority to meet your need to see each other with a tad more frequency.

What do I know? I haven't dated in decades.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/09/21 01:14 AM
Thanks BF for chiming in. I really don’t have a preconceived timeline as I know it would be hard to judge based on our time spent together.

I also know not to judge CWs timeline or relationship because we are definitely different cats and come from different backgrounds.

It’s not that I need her to spend more time with me it’s for me to get to where she wants me to be that would have to happen.

I think I know what I need to do based on what I believe her expectations are moving forward. I think we are vastly different people in many areas. It’s just difficult because I care for her and we have lots of fun together.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/09/21 02:37 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
It’s not that I need her to spend more time with me it’s for me to get to where she wants me to be that would have to happen.

Yes, that's what I was trying to say, although ineptly. Sorry.

Originally Posted by LH19
I think I know what I need to do based on what I believe her expectations are moving forward. I think we are vastly different people in many areas. It’s just difficult because I care for her and we have lots of fun together.
sounds like you've come to some conclusion about it, even if it's to cut her loose.
Posted By: wayfarer Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/09/21 02:48 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
I think I know what I need to do based on what I believe her expectations are moving forward. I think we are vastly different people in many areas. It’s just difficult because I care for her and we have lots of fun together.

I'll say the same thing I say to CW too often. Everything that comes your way isn't necessarily meant for you. It's ok to enjoy someone's company AND acknowledge that it lacks potential. A million little things need to line up for people to get past the "getting to know you" stage. I personally believe it's a waste of time to drag it out hoping the stars align. I know you think that's like an exclusively female/end game focus thing, but the way I see it it's not.

I personally believe every person's time is worth more than a mediocre love life. It's worth more than a friendship that lack depth because you can't be emotionally intimate with a person you don't see enough to build that depth with. I think a person's time and emotional bandwidth is worth more than a person they can live without. But I'm introverted. So I value my time, my energy and my bandwidth as a much higher priority than having fun with someone sometimes. Loose relationships that lack depth mean very little to me. I reserve those for my kids' friends' parents and work proximity associates. I see a lack of potential as a waste of everyone's time. You're right the journey can be fun. But journeys have a destination. Without it it's wandering around aimlessly. And think of all the fruitful journeys lost because you were maintain your course on a fruitless one.

Good luck, LH.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/09/21 03:03 PM
Sorry for the hijack, but thank you WF. You have put it very succinctly for me what I’ve been trying to put in way too many words.

Relationships that lack depth aren’t for me. Fun is fun for a short period of time, but when the lack depth, I feel like it’s time for it to end. My friendships have a great deal of depth. I want a romantic relationship to have the same. Most journeys have a destination

Thank you , I needed to hear that. I feel less crazy
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/09/21 03:08 PM
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I'll say the same thing I say to CW too often. Everything that comes your way isn't necessarily meant for you.
No I totally agree. In fact I believe most relationships aren't meant to be forever.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
It's ok to enjoy someone's company AND acknowledge that it lacks potential.
That's definitely where I am at right now.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
A million little things need to line up for people to get past the "getting to know you" stage. I personally believe it's a waste of time to drag it out hoping the stars align.
I don't see it as dragging it out but I understand your point.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I know you think that's like an exclusively female/end game focus thing, but the way I see it it's not.
I think that is how she sees it too.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
You're right the journey can be fun. But journeys have a destination. Without it it's wandering around aimlessly. And think of all the fruitful journeys lost because you were maintain your course on a fruitless one.
Point taken.
Posted By: kml Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/09/21 05:50 PM
Quote
And for the record, I’ll lay it out so I’m not misquoted, I believe everyone over 65 should strongly consider getting vaccinated. I’d nearly plead for you to do it. 40 to 65, it depends but probably a good idea. 20 to 40, it really depends. And under 20. Likely not worth the unknown or already seen risk

Absolutely this does not make sense, Don. Tell it to the perfectly healthy (not obese, no medical problems) 32 year old man I had who almost lost his leg to an arterial blood clot after one week of outpatient flu-like Covid. Or the perfectly healthy 35 year old woman who had a mild outpatient case then developed Long Covid. She couldn't work for a year, was so cognitively impaired and fatigued that she couldn't care for her own children and they had to move in with her parents for months. I tried every treatment possible with her but she's still not completely over it 18 months later. Or my son who developed diabetes after a week of bronchitis symptoms from Covid. Or my partner's son, perfectly healthy 32 year old, who also has Long Covid and has had cardiac issues and anxiety for a year after a very mild case of Covid. Or tell it to the parents of the two 19 year olds my niece the ECMO nurse treated who died of Covid.

Also, in my county as in all the others, the vast majority of hospitalized Covid patients (95%) are unvaccinated (even though we have a 70% vaccination rate). The vaccinated people who are hospitalized are mostly immunocompromised - cancer patients, patients on immunosuppressant drugs etc. Yes, you still might get Covid if you're vaccinated and you aren't careful (wear your masks, people!) but you're highly unlikely to die on a ventilator. And vaccinated people who do contract Covid shed the virus for a much shorter time so they are responsible for less spread than the unvaccinated. It's fine if you don't want to get vaccinated but don't work in a job where you expose the public, or your coworkers, or god forbid medical patients. And wear your masks. If everyone wore their masks regardless of Covid status we would not be where we are today.

Also as to the question of natural immunity - immunity from having Covid still wears off. You can catch it. again as soon as 3 months in some cases, I've seen many patients in a Long Covid group in England who caught it again 8 months after the first infection when Beta swept through England. The risks from getting Covid are HUGELY greater than any risk from the vaccine. (Oh, and as a former scientist as well as a physician, I can tell you many physicians DON'T have that great a grasp on science. Some thought AIDS was transmitted by mosquitoes too. Physicians are not immune to denial or to politics.)
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/09/21 07:35 PM
Originally Posted by kml
[quote] And vaccinated people who do contract Covid shed the virus for a much shorter time so they are responsible for less spread than the unvaccinated.
KML I am curious as to where is the evidence to support this claim? I am not denying it. Just wondering what is the source of this data? Because everything else you posted makes it clear that a person should have the right to make a choice on this matter.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/10/21 04:39 AM
LH19,

My question is...what would change in either of your situations that would cause the dynamic to change? It doesn't sound like either of you are pressing to meet each others' kids...and your kids aren't going anywhere.

Originally Posted by LH19
She wants more from me.
It's not clear to me what "more" she actually does want from you.

Sounds to me like you don't need to make any major decisions right now. If you're both having fun and enjoying each others' company, keep it up. Maybe the relationship will develop into more over time. If it comes to a point where it doesn't develop and the current situation no longer works for one or both of you, then adjust accordingly.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/10/21 01:41 PM
Originally Posted by BL42
My question is...what would change in either of your situations that would cause the dynamic to change? It doesn't sound like either of you are pressing to meet each others' kids...and your kids aren't going anywhere.
I think she wants to see the dynamic start to change. I get the feeling she doesn't want to waste any time if this is going no where.

Originally Posted by BL42
It's not clear to me what "more" she actually does want from you.
She wants more intimacy and me to be more vulnerable. She always says "I am a tough nut to crack."

Originally Posted by BL42
Sounds to me like you don't need to make any major decisions right now. If you're both having fun and enjoying each others' company, keep it up. Maybe the relationship will develop into more over time. If it comes to a point where it doesn't develop and the current situation no longer works for one or both of you, then adjust accordingly.
Well I think time is running out from her end. I need to get to know someone before I am all in. I think she senses she is wasting her time and she probably is if she is thinking living together or marriage any time soon.
Posted By: kml Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/10/21 02:42 PM
So - the relationship isn’t satisfactory to you because you don’t get to spend enough time together, and the relationship isn’t satisfactory to her because she wants more commitment from you? Sounds like maybe it’s just time for some very honest talk IF you want this to continue - such as “I really like you and want this relationship to continue. I’d like to find a way to see more of each other so we can get to know each other better. I’d like a long term monogamous relationship but I’m not looking to live together or get married any time soon”.

Then again - maybe she isn’t a fit. I’m reminded of my BFF. She dated a guy who lived 2 hours away. When she would see him, she’d come back from the weekend feeling attached and attracted. But as time went on in between visits, her interest would wane - only to be spiked when she saw him again. Truth was, those shots of oxytocin she got when they were together, weren’t enough to offset the sober realities when they were apart. He was superficial, not deep like her. He was self-centered - she was doing all the work. He didn’t make enough effort to call her or have meaningful talks (was usually stoned after work by the time he called). She expected more interest and enthusiasm on his end (although he’s a Facebook guy who wanted to be posting about their relationship all the time even though it would have been a fake picture. )

She dumped him after about six months. I think he was shocked (he’s a minor rock celebrity and may have been used to women wanting him for that - my friend has her own status in that crowd). He ran right out and got another girlfriend within 3-4 months, and got engaged to her after three months of dating! Tons of cutesy FB posts. BUT - she lives 8 hours away and can only visit once a month or so. They’ve been together several years now and never set a date - she and their friends have stopped needling him about that as it’s become apparent he doesn’t really intend to get married. She’s more of an ordinary person who seems to enjoy the proximity to (minor) fame. We do wonder if she’s figured out that he likes to post about the relationship because it makes him look like he’s okay, but he doesn’t actually want a real relationship. He’d probably be horrified if she moved in with him.

Anyway - my point being, my friend’s interest flagged when he wasn’t around because without the oxytocin fog, she could see more clearly the ways in which they were incompatible. Maybe that’s why your interest wanes between visits too?
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/10/21 02:59 PM
Not quite. The relationship is satisfactory to me. I am happy HHHing and getting to know more about her. She is pressing for more which I can't/don't feel comfortable giving her right now.

A long-term relationship is probably not viable so I should do the right thing and let her go it is just difficult because I like and care about her and enjoy her company.
Posted By: MLCxH Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/10/21 05:46 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Does your GF even want you to meet her son?
No.

If this is true, then she is not looking to move in with you or get married at this time.

Originally Posted by LH19
I think she wants to see the dynamic start to change. I get the feeling she doesn't want to waste any time if this is going no where.

Originally Posted by LH19
She wants more intimacy and me to be more vulnerable. She always says "I am a tough nut to crack."

Have some discussions with her on where she sees the relationship to be in 6 months, 1 year and 5 years from now. That will hopefully give you some ideas on where to make changes to make her feel that the relationship is not stuck. It is possible things have gotten monotonous for her and she is really looking for some changes (aka excitement) in the relationship and not necessarily a change towards more commitment.

Originally Posted by LH19
I think I know what I need to do based on what I believe her expectations are moving forward.

I am not sure you really know what her expectations are. Talk to her and let her state her expectations clearly instead of you 'believing' they are something and acting incorrectly.

Originally Posted by LH19
It’s not that I need her to spend more time with me it’s for me to get to where she wants me to be that would have to happen.

See above. Get clarity and specifics on what changes she is looking for
Posted By: DonH Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/10/21 06:05 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Not quite. The relationship is satisfactory to me. I am happy HHHing and getting to know more about her. She is pressing for more which I can't/don't feel comfortable giving her right now.

I still don’t have any great comments to make but this did stand out to me. Seems to me this statement could be made by most guys. Women seem programmed to always have to have the R of whatever level moving somewhere. It’s in their DNA. Some guys (Andrew, CW) cave and give into whatever they want. Other guys (LH and D H) do not. Seems to me at four months she’s wanting things to be much farther than perhaps they should be. What’s the rush.

The other thing that sticks out as others have keyed in on it as well is you two need to communicate. You really need to sit down and have a very honest and deep conversation about what each of you wants, what your time tables are, etc. I’d strongly suggest this before just breaking it off.

All you owe to her is honesty. The rest is her decision. Just be honest. Tell her what you’ve told us. Then it’s up to her to do with that what she will. In absence of that, if this is working for you and you enjoy it, keep doing it. Just don’t lie or lead her on. If you tell her you won’t introduce your kids for another 6 months, or won’t move her in in the next year, it’s up to her to do with that what she will.

Just have a very honest detailed conversation. That’s the next step.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/10/21 06:26 PM
Originally Posted by DonH
The other thing that sticks out as others have keyed in on it as well is you two need to communicate. You really need to sit down and have a very honest and deep conversation about what each of you wants, what your time tables are, etc. I’d strongly suggest this before just breaking it off.
We have had this conversation. She wants a deeper connection. I can't magically just given here one. Maybe it's like KML was explaining about her friend. Maybe it is I am keeping my distance because I do not see and end game?

The ride hasn't been easy with her. Not difficult but not easy. Early this year I was in an effortless relationship with a woman until she went back to her ex lol. The point is I know what it looks like and this isn't it.

She is definitely not wrong for wondering where I am at and where I see this going.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/10/21 06:27 PM
I should also add that she definitely over analyzes everything.
Posted By: kml Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/10/21 06:49 PM
Quote
. Maybe it's like KML was explaining about her friend. Maybe it is I am keeping my distance because I do not see and end game?

The ride hasn't been easy with her. Not difficult but not easy.

Ok this seems like the nugget. You’ve enjoyed your time with her (yes, sex and companionship are nice!) but it’s already been complicated at a time when it should be easy. Honestly, if the first four months can’t be butterflies and excitement about getting to know the person, it usually never will be. Certainly it shouldn’t be difficult.

I could understand a woman at this point wanting to know if you’re exclusive (IE not sharing stds with other people) but beyond that, this is still just “getting to know you” territory and should be easy.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/10/21 06:52 PM
Originally Posted by kml
Certainly it shouldn’t be difficult.
Well if you read above I said it is not difficult.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/10/21 07:10 PM
“The right people whose souls and life paths are aligned with your own just feel right and natural to be around. Things are easy and effortless with them. Things just work naturally. This includes your personal and professional relationships and what you choose for your life’s work. The challenge is letting go of people and circumstances that no longer serve you. In order to attract the right people and circumstances, you must first create a space for them to fill. Most people never experience this because they are afraid to let go of the mediocre to pursue what sets their souls on fire. You’re either savage or you’re average.” ~ LH19
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/10/21 07:35 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
“The right people whose souls and life paths are aligned with your own just feel right and natural to be around. Things are easy and effortless with them. Things just work naturally. This includes your personal and professional relationships and what you choose for your life’s work. The challenge is letting go of people and circumstances that no longer serve you. In order to attract the right people and circumstances, you must first create a space for them to fill. Most people never experience this because they are afraid to let go of the mediocre to pursue what sets their souls on fire. You’re either savage or you’re average.” ~ LH19

Doesn't this, in essence, answer your very first question on this thread?
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/10/21 08:10 PM
Originally Posted by Dawn70
Originally Posted by LH19
“The right people whose souls and life paths are aligned with your own just feel right and natural to be around. Things are easy and effortless with them. Things just work naturally. This includes your personal and professional relationships and what you choose for your life’s work. The challenge is letting go of people and circumstances that no longer serve you. In order to attract the right people and circumstances, you must first create a space for them to fill. Most people never experience this because they are afraid to let go of the mediocre to pursue what sets their souls on fire. You’re either savage or you’re average.” ~ LH19

Doesn't this, in essence, answer your very first question on this thread?
It sure does.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 01:09 PM
Well I got the "where do you see this going text" yesterday so I called her last night. Very open and honest discussion on both ends. Maybe some projecting on her end but it's understandable as she has been through some stuff. We decided to part ways while keeping the door open to friendship or if she wanted to date without a long-term outlook. Obviously she will be focusing her time on obtaining employment.

As for me I am good. I will miss her but life goes on. She certainly was challenging to date so I learned some things that I need to stay away from in the future.

This Sunday is my son's birthday and we are taking a family road trip to a nearby state to see his favorite team play football. He is so excited.

Onward and upward!
Posted By: Maika Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 01:48 PM
Honest and open discussion is the way to go. Why waste time otherwise.

Quote
She certainly was challenging to date so I learned some things that I need to stay away from in the future.

Oh yeah? you wanna share what are some things you learned?
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 02:47 PM
Originally Posted by Maika
Honest and open discussion is the way to go. Why waste time otherwise.

Quote
She certainly was challenging to date so I learned some things that I need to stay away from in the future.

Oh yeah? you wanna share what are some things you learned?

It should be easy and effortless in the beginning. It wasn't. Lots of communication issues. Relationships in their lives or lack thereof matter and should not be overlooked. Dating women with young kids is difficult, especially when the dad is unreliable. Great sex and an amazing smile aren't everything lol.

It's a learning process for sure.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 04:10 PM
LH,

Sorry things didn't work out. It's gotta be tough to have everything align. Good you were both open, honest, and adults about it though.

Enjoy your son's birthday and football game!
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 04:29 PM
Hey LH,
Sorry it didn't work out but you're absolutely right, easy and effortless is the signal that it's a good fit. Anything else is a clear indicator to me, anyway, that I'm trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

I've given a lot of thought about dating someone with kids vs without. I personally wouldn't date someone with young kids because it's not where I'm at in my own life. I'm past that and not interested in re-visiting with a partner. I go back and forth on dating someone without kids. On the one hand, more flexibility. On the other, they cannot relate to people who have kids. Also, my observation is that people who don't have kids tend to be a bit more selfish and self absorbed than those with kids, which is another point in favor of dating people with older or adult kids.

I know you'll miss her but it certainly seems for the best, and you've learned a lot to bring to the next dating situation.

Enjoy your son and the football game xo
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 04:31 PM
Actually the best break up I have ever had. Just disappointment I think that we weren't on the same page.

I have a feeling she will be a part of my life in the future at some capacity. Not sure why but call it a gut feeling.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 04:35 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Hey LH,
Sorry it didn't work out but you're absolutely right, easy and effortless is the signal that it's a good fit. Anything else is a clear indicator to me, anyway, that I'm trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

I've given a lot of thought about dating someone with kids vs without. I personally wouldn't date someone with young kids because it's not where I'm at in my own life. I'm past that and not interested in re-visiting with a partner. I go back and forth on dating someone without kids. On the one hand, more flexibility. On the other, they cannot relate to people who have kids. Also, my observation is that people who don't have kids tend to be a bit more selfish and self absorbed than those with kids, which is another point in favor of dating people with older or adult kids.

I know you'll miss her but it certainly seems for the best, and you've learned a lot to bring to the next dating situation.

Enjoy your son and the football game xo

Yeah the three women I have dated have been a lot younger then me with young kids who can't be left alone for long. Not to mention 2 out of 3 had like 90% custody. It would be a nice change to date someone with more freedom.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 05:21 PM
So sorry, LH.

I do disagree about dating in the beginning being effortless.

We are the over 40 crowd here, with jobs, kids, houses , lives, all sorts of responsibilities, and some level of baggage, past hurts, experiences. Whatever. We aren’t carefree and 21 anymore.

Dating takes effort from the get go. Effort coordinating schedules, effort making compromise, effort understanding individual situations, effort all around. It is not easy and effortless at all.

Should dating in the beginning cause any pain and sadness, and high levels of frustration? No. You should look forward to seeing the other person, figuring out where there could be compromise when situations aren’t ideal, and even sometimes, be understanding of someone else’s triggers.

Effortless and easy is for kids or people with no attachments, or haven’t had hard ships in their lives and super flexible work schedules.

Easy and effortless is not for us. But hurt pain and frustration shouldn’t be for us either. The enjoyable should be worth the effort that is put in
Posted By: DonH Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 06:29 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Dating takes effort from the get go. Effort coordinating schedules, effort making compromise, effort understanding individual situations, effort all around. It is not easy and effortless at all.

If this is the case, it could well mean the two people are not a good match. I’m not sure early dating should be effortless - as in requiring zero effort - but it should be easy. How many times have we said this to people here - indicating if it’s a challenge in the first months it’s going to be extremely challenging down there road. If not easy in the beginning, it’s probably the wrong partner. Now of course it should take some level of effort - just not as much as it’s sounding to be.

Originally Posted by LH19
Yeah the three women I have dated have been a lot younger then me with young kids who can't be left alone for long.

I know you don’t like to look at these things or typically discuss and consider them, but what’s up with only dating much younger women? It’s sounds like you’ve picked the same woman three times. I guess if HHH is all you’re after it could work - but only for 3 to 6 months. But you obviously seem to be wanting more. But these younger types especially with young kids often do better with other young 40s guys rather than double digits old. Experience tells me they very often have hopes, very high hopes, of finding Prince Charming and getting married again to live the fairytale.

I don’t have the answer I just noticed the pattern and have seen it with others here - picking the same thing and expecting different results. There’s likely more here to dig into.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 08:04 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
So sorry, LH.

I do disagree about dating in the beginning being effortless.

We are the over 40 crowd here, with jobs, kids, houses , lives, all sorts of responsibilities, and some level of baggage, past hurts, experiences. Whatever. We aren’t carefree and 21 anymore.

Dating takes effort from the get go. Effort coordinating schedules, effort making compromise, effort understanding individual situations, effort all around. It is not easy and effortless at all.

Should dating in the beginning cause any pain and sadness, and high levels of frustration? No. You should look forward to seeing the other person, figuring out where there could be compromise when situations aren’t ideal, and even sometimes, be understanding of someone else’s triggers.

Effortless and easy is for kids or people with no attachments, or haven’t had hard ships in their lives and super flexible work schedules.

Easy and effortless is not for us. But hurt pain and frustration shouldn’t be for us either. The enjoyable should be worth the effort that is put in

Maybe effortless in the wrong word. Frustrating is a good word for her. It should have been easier. I know what it looks like.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 08:15 PM
Originally Posted by DonH
I know you don’t like to look at these things or typically discuss and consider them, but what’s up with only dating much younger women?
I think it just worked out that way. It's not like I refuse to date women my age.
Originally Posted by DonH
It’s sounds like you’ve picked the same woman three times.
I disagree here Don they were three completely different women.
Originally Posted by DonH
I guess if HHH is all you’re after it could work - but only for 3 to 6 months.

Well I am waiting for someone to to make me feel like I want more.
Originally Posted by DonH
But you obviously seem to be wanting more.
More then what? I want a monogamous relationship with a woman I am crazy about.
Originally Posted by DonH
But these younger types especially with young kids often do better with other young 40s guys rather than double digits old.
Well down you may be in triple digits but I am still in double digits.
Originally Posted by DonH
Experience tells me they very often have hopes, very high hopes, of finding Prince Charming and getting married again to live the fairytale.
My friend pointed this out last night. You may be on to something.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 09:34 PM
I don’t think women are particularly looking for Prince Charming and a fairytale ending. I think majority are looking for a stable committed relationship with a man who gives effort.

Harder than you think to come by
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 09:41 PM
I think my friends point was if you date a woman mid forty who has never been married you should figure she wants to get married at some point. Where if you date a woman in her 50s she’s probably good in a monogamous relationship.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 09:45 PM
I think I’m doing it right. I got my marriage wrong for the most part. I’m trying things on for size this time around.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 11:53 PM
easy and effortless meaning the interaction between the two parties should flow ... yeah, we have commitments. yes, we'll have to see what works, schedule-wise, but if it's an uphill slog from day 1, what is the point? it would have to be someone extremely compelling on day 1 for me to be willing to go through the mill on the front end.
Posted By: DonH Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/15/21 11:57 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
More then what? I want a monogamous relationship with a woman I am crazy about.

More than HHH is what I was referring to. Looks like I was correct. And not at all criticizing it.

Originally Posted by LH19
I think my friends point was if you date a woman mid forty who has never been married you should figure she wants to get married at some point.

Oh that’s a FOR SURE. I was referring though to even the upper 30s to mid 40s who seem to think they got gypped with the first guy and want the do over. Some just don’t want to raise the kids or take care of the house or deal with single income or just be alone. They a craving the fairy tale- though few will admit it’s a fairytale they are chasing. They seem to grow or morph out of it into their 50s - where some bolt right over to not wanting to date anyone. But younger they still think they can get that brass ring and are not at all likely to settle for living together apart much less HHH. But never married, That’s a whole other creature - often with their own set of issues. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met someone who was never married and within hours am saying, and now I know why.

With the age thing I do relate. I don’t specifically look for it but for some reason have often fit better with it. And I always have from early on 25 - 20, 27 - 19 come to mind. However it’s certainly not exclusive with a couple 30 - 40 in there as well Somehow my ex wife was only a year younger. Hmmmm
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 01:19 AM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
easy and effortless meaning the interaction between the two parties should flow ... yeah, we have commitments. yes, we'll have to see what works, schedule-wise, but if it's an uphill slog from day 1, what is the point? it would have to be someone extremely compelling on day 1 for me to be willing to go through the mill on the front end.
I think sometimes my point to gets lost. It didn’t feel like I was going through slog since day 1. Again it was difficult it just wasn’t easy.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 01:20 AM
Wasn’t difficult.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 02:15 AM
I dunno. I still think it should be easy.
Posted By: kml Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 04:13 AM
I don’t think any of us are talking about a relationship with no effort, no baggage or no inconveniences. But I think when we say it should be “easy”, is that when you’re reasonably well matched in temperament, and equally attracted to each other, and both parties are non-crazy adults - well, the relationship interactions should feel natural and “easy”.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 11:18 AM
So I’ll give an example. Basically our time was limited to every other weekend. One time we had a disagreement Friday afternoon. It took her until Sunday afternoon to get over it.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 12:49 PM
Good Morning LH

I realize one of the bothersome parts of this relationship for you was the lack of time together; every other weekend. And the “next step”, IMHO, was meeting her kids and her your’s. Taking this to the next level. More comitment. You sounded rather hesitant to that.

Having a disagreement on Friday and her not getting over it until Sunday afternoon certainly gobbles up the available dating time.

How long until you got over it?

How long until the two of you resolved the disagreement?

Focusing on her time usage is a blameful viewpoint. Her wasting the scant few days every 14 had you building resentment for unmet expectations. Yet, what about you? What do you do? What control did you exercise? What influence did you wield?

Waiting. Getting over it. Is basically ignoring and sweeping under the rug whatever the disagreement was about. If you don’t resolve or solve whatever comes between you, it will only build.

I think that is more of the crux of - it wasn’t difficult, it just wasn’t easy. Things left unsaid and undone cause problems downstream.

Relationships require care and maintenance and effort and compassion and so on. And when you “believe” and live that ideal, it is more smooth, even easy.

Difficult and easy are not quite the words I think well describe this. Tasks can be very difficult and yet still should be done and are still extremely rewarding. Think more, is it worthy?

Was your effort (difficulties) worth it?

There are certainly times when things are harder than other times. Still, it is worth it.

Conversely, even an easy task will feel unsurmountable and unrewarding if it is viewed as unworthy or has become unworthy.

(That is true for much more than just relationships. smile )

The maintenance of relationships. Worth. Respect. Growth. What did you invest into?

Good investment bring good returns, which makes things much easier. And that, is very much worth the effort.

D
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 01:58 PM
Thanks for chiming in D.

Originally Posted by DnJ
I realize one of the bothersome parts of this relationship for you was the lack of time together; every other weekend. And the “next step”, IMHO, was meeting her kids and her your’s. Taking this to the next level. More commitment. You sounded rather hesitant to that.
So to clarify time together wasn't the issue for me. The issue was she was pushing me for more intimacy/closeness etc. when I was still getting to know her and figure out we were a good match. Though we were together almost five months it felt like maybe two. I certainly was not ready for the next level.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Having a disagreement on Friday and her not getting over it until Sunday afternoon certainly gobbles up the available dating time.
Yes that was my first wake-up call.
Originally Posted by DnJ
How long until you got over it?
5 minutes
Originally Posted by DnJ
How long until the two of you resolved the disagreement?
That Sunday she came over and we made up.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Focusing on her time usage is a blameful viewpoint. Her wasting the scant few days every 14 had you building resentment for unmet expectations. Yet, what about you? What do you do? What control did you exercise? What influence did you wield?
I apologized and asked if we could talk through it.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Waiting. Getting over it. Is basically ignoring and sweeping under the rug whatever the disagreement was about. If you don’t resolve or solve whatever comes between you, it will only build.
A lot of this happened in my marriage and I vowed not to let it happen again.
Originally Posted by DnJ
I think that is more of the crux of - it wasn’t difficult, it just wasn’t easy. Things left unsaid and undone cause problems downstream.
I agree.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Was your effort (difficulties) worth it?
Well in the end no that is basically why it ended.
Originally Posted by DnJ
There are certainly times when things are harder than other times. Still, it is worth it.
There were things I liked a lot about our relationship. I think that is why I didn't cut bait earlier.
Originally Posted by DnJ
The maintenance of relationships. Worth. Respect. Growth. What did you invest into?
I was my best self an also true to myself and wasn't going to give into my beliefs and feed her any BS.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 02:15 PM
The dragging out of the issue from Friday to Sunday would have bugged me, no lie. Yes, first clue. And yes, even though the calendar says 5 months, it's hard to feel like it's a solid, connected 5 months when it's every other weekend. LH it feels to me like this relationship may have just been the trial run to something better coming your way in 2022. You learned a lot and even though you broke up, it sounds like it was done with mutual respect and kindness. xo
Posted By: BL42 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 02:25 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
LH it feels to me like this relationship may have just been the trial run to something better coming your way in 2022. You learned a lot and even though you broke up, it sounds like it was done with mutual respect and kindness. xo
I like that! Well said.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 02:32 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
The dragging out of the issue from Friday to Sunday would have bugged me, no lie. Yes, first clue. And yes, even though the calendar says 5 months, it's hard to feel like it's a solid, connected 5 months when it's every other weekend. LH it feels to me like this relationship may have just been the trial run to something better coming your way in 2022. You learned a lot and even though you broke up, it sounds like it was done with mutual respect and kindness. xo
I like what you said too! Best and easiest break-up I have ever had.

Also just to clarify the every other weekend only happened in October. We were on the same weekends July-Oct so it was even less time then you think.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 02:40 PM
So I am going to journal a little.

Went to a wake yesterday. My godparents daughter passed at 61 unvaccinated. Survived by mom, 4 sisters, 2 daughters and grandchildren.

After the service the minister asked if anyone wanted to speak. A friend from kindergarten got up to speak and cried uncontrollably the entire time telling stories. I realized then I have at least 3 friends who would probably do the same since I have known them for 40 plus years. I realize how rare that is and how lucky I am.

Tough times in life for sure right now but having amazing people in your life sure makes it easier.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 02:46 PM
sorry for your loss LH xo
Posted By: kml Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 04:58 PM
What a tragedy LH - these preventable deaths are breaking the hearts of all us healthcare workers now. I'm glad you have good friends who have known you a long time. It's the best.

As for the exGF - having a disagreement and then ruining the whole weekend over it sounds to me like one of two things - passive aggressiveness (if this was her pattern in other things, then it's a HUGE red flag!) or a deliberate ploy to get her weekend free (like, did she pick the fight? We've all seen ex-spouses on here who picked a fight just to have an excuse to go away with their lover. Not saying she did that, but if the disagreement seemed fishy at all - I'd wonder if she just had other plans she wanted to pursue that weekend?). Either way - a sign of unhealthy relationship skills on her part.

And the business about rushing to meet kids - I personally would be very wary of someone rushing to do that. To me, that shows they are not putting their kids' interests first. And not respecting your boundaries around your kids.

Sounds to me like you were legitimately hesitant because you were picking up red flags about her maturity and healthiness in relationships.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/16/21 06:46 PM
Originally Posted by kml
What a tragedy LH - these preventable deaths are breaking the hearts of all us healthcare workers now. I'm glad you have good friends who have known you a long time. It's the best.
It is very hard on a lot of people.
Originally Posted by kml
As for the exGF - having a disagreement and then ruining the whole weekend over it sounds to me like one of two things - passive aggressiveness (if this was her pattern in other things, then it's a HUGE red flag!) or a deliberate ploy to get her weekend free (like, did she pick the fight? We've all seen ex-spouses on here who picked a fight just to have an excuse to go away with their lover. Not saying she did that, but if the disagreement seemed fishy at all - I'd wonder if she just had other plans she wanted to pursue that weekend?). Either way - a sign of unhealthy relationship skills on her part.
No she didn't pick it. It was my bad but it certainly could have been resolved right away. There definitely was a P/A component to it.
Originally Posted by kml
And the business about rushing to meet kids - I personally would be very wary of someone rushing to do that. To me, that shows they are not putting their kids' interests first. And not respecting your boundaries around your kids.
Not sure where this came from but there was no rush to meet kids.
Originally Posted by kml
Sounds to me like you were legitimately hesitant because you were picking up red flags about her maturity and healthiness in relationships.
Yeah that and I didn't feel I could provide her with the future that she envisioned.
Posted By: OnlyBent Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/20/21 11:47 AM
Originally Posted by LH19
I realized then I have at least 3 friends who would probably do the same since I have known them for 40 plus years. I realize how rare that is and how lucky I am.

Tough times in life for sure right now but having amazing people in your life sure makes it easier.

There is nothing better than true friends, I'm happy for you that you have at least 3 in your life mate. Going through the sh!tty times reveals your friends true colours, its almost like its a gift.

Have you heard from the lady since you ended things?
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/20/21 02:06 PM
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
There is nothing better than true friends, I'm happy for you that you have at least 3 in your life mate. Going through the sh!tty times reveals your friends true colours, its almost like its a gift.
Health, great friends/family and good kids is all you need in life. Anything else is just a cherry on top. I am helping a friend go through his eventual D and he always tells me he doesn't know what he would do with out me.


Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Have you heard from the lady since you ended things?
No. I don't expect to for awhile. She would have to have different goals moving forward and I am not so sure she ever will. She's a pretty strong chick and knows what she wants and I can't see her settling for anything less anytime soon.

On a side note, I did hear yesterday from a girl I dated which ended because we lived in different countries and then the pandemic hit. I had lost a ring in her bed one night. Went to sleep it was on and woke up it was gone. Search high and low and couldn't find it. She sent me a picture saying of it saying "look what I found". I find this stuff fascinating. I remember reading once that 90% of the time an ex will eventually reach out for something.

I had a great road trip with my kids yesterday. I use to think there was something missing on these trips buy I don't anymore. We are a family of three and I believe that is how we are going to stay for awhile.
Posted By: DonH Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/20/21 04:49 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Health, great friends/family and good kids is all you need in life. Anything else is just a cherry on top. I am helping a friend go through his eventual D and he always tells me he doesn't know what he would do with out me.

A lot of this is very true but it also makes me remember back. I had a platonic female friend who said the very same about me. She had her issues but always seemed to want to do the best and help people. Or so I thought. Her husband cheated on her and she came home and caught them. For many months she called me every morning - often repeating and saying the same things over and over. I’ll bet I did over a hundred multi hour telephone calls with her. She would later tell others how I was a life saver and helped her through that divorce. Years later she’s remarried to her 3rd husband with 2 young kids. This is when my ex W had dropped the bomb. I could not get her to even return my phone calls.

In another quote here it was said that you really don’t know what kind of friends you have until something really bad happens. This is so very true as the above story proves. Thankfully there are also those who come through and stand by you and I was lucky enough to have several of those as well.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/20/21 06:00 PM
Wow, Don, that sounds like a hard knock for her to have leaned so heavily on you, and then been unavailable when you actually needed her. It feels lonely enough in the aftermath of BD without that extra needling.

"She had her issues but always seemed to want to do the best and help people." - I wonder if her rational had to do with romantic feelings for you, or the narrative changing around the ex she left and not wanting to face the previous way she'd framed him, or her relationship with your ex, or something going on in her life. She may well insert more good karma in the world than bad. Humans have blind spots. Humans struggle with conflicting values. To err is human, to forgive divine.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/21/21 03:33 AM
Originally Posted by LH19
I had a great road trip with my kids yesterday. I use to think there was something missing on these trips buy I don't anymore. We are a family of three and I believe that is how we are going to stay for awhile.
Great perspective and outlook. I'm learning this is absolutely true.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Going through the sh!tty times reveals your friends true colours, its almost like its a gift.
Originally Posted by DonH
In another quote here it was said that you really don’t know what kind of friends you have until something really bad happens. This is so very true as the above story proves. Thankfully there are also those who come through and stand by you and I was lucky enough to have several of those as well.
Very true. Friends with you in good times are fun, but friends you can count on through the bad times are the ones made of gold. Situations like these definitely separate the wheat from the chaff.
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/22/21 08:16 PM
Sorry for your loss LH. Also sorry to hear about what happened with your gf. I'm with you on the road trips with kids. I've done a few without XH. In the beginning it felt like something was missing but I don't feel that way anymore. When we are together, that is enough. TBH, I used to feel sorry for XH that he was missing out but I have come to terms with the fact that he chooses not to do these things with our kids so clearly, the only person who felt he was missing out, was me. I don't waste my time on those thoughts anymore... I just enjoy my time with our kids.

Merry Christmas. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/22/21 08:32 PM
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Sorry for your loss LH. Also sorry to hear about what happened with your gf.
Thanks Dej.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I'm with you on the road trips with kids. I've done a few without XH. In the beginning it felt like something was missing but I don't feel that way anymore. When we are together, that is enough.
So true!

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I don't waste my time on those thoughts anymore... I just enjoy my time with our kids.
Me either I give it zero head space. I have no compassion for what she has lost out on.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Merry Christmas.
Happy holidays to you and your family too. Hope you guys don't go on lock down again.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 12/31/21 12:01 PM
So as 2021 comes to a close I thought I would do some journaling.

2021 was a pretty good year in fact the best year I have probably had since 2013. Kids and my relationship have never been better. Got back to my happy place after being banned for almost 2 years. Did some traveling and the job is going really well.

Had two short term relationships with 2 completely different women. I use to think I had a type but this proofs not to be the case because these 2 were on the completely opposite end of the spectrum. They were both a lot of fun but for different reasons. I definitely learned a lot and I am 100% sure I am open for something real.

It’s still difficult sometimes when I think back to where I dropped the ball in my marriage. My kids are doing great but I know they miss being a family.

My relationship with my ex can best be described as business associates lol. Every discussion is straight to the point and just the facts. I sense lately she is pissed at me. Things she use to do to be courteous she doesn’t do any more. If the kids need something she use to drop it off but now she makes me come pick it up. Don’t think we will be playing ping pong or Mario Kart anytime soon lol.

So in a nutshell life is pretty good. As Another Stander use to say “ not the life I would have chose” but I am making the best of it. In honor of Don H. I am firing up the dating apps tomorrow and see where it takes me in 2022. I did some research and read that it takes the average man to send 114 messages to receive 1 response. I guess that’s why OLD is frustrating lol.

Happy New Year Everyone. Hope everyone’s dreams and wishes come true.
Posted By: BL42 Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/02/22 06:40 AM
LH,

Good NYE post. Glad to hear 2021 was such a good year; here's to an even better 2022!

Originally Posted by LH19
It’s still difficult sometimes when I think back to where I dropped the ball in my marriage. My kids are doing great but I know they miss being a family.
Completely understand this sentiment. Sometimes feels like the new normal to me, and other times still feels surreal, but though there's no putting Humpty Dumpty back together again I do wish ExW would've chosen to work through any issues and kept our family together. Not sure I'll ever be convinced that wouldn't be the best thing certainly for our kids, and perhaps us as well.

Originally Posted by LH19
My relationship with my ex can best be described as business associates lol. Every discussion is straight to the point and just the facts.
Straight business and just the facts isn't relatively bad - we've all read worse here.

Originally Posted by LH19
I sense lately she is pissed at me.
Any theories why? Did you do something specific, or perhaps she's frustrated with her own situation and not as happy as expected with D and life and taking it out on you? Or...maybe any guess is pointless speculation.

Originally Posted by LH19
So in a nutshell life is pretty good. As Another Stander use to say “ not the life I would have chose” but I am making the best of it.
Not bad. That's all any of us can do.

Originally Posted by LH19
In honor of Don H. I am firing up the dating apps tomorrow and see where it takes me in 2022. I did some research and read that it takes the average man to send 114 messages to receive 1 response. I guess that’s why OLD is frustrating lol.
Any Day 1 or 2 success? New accounts based on resolutions are probably being created out there as we type! Honestly just a few months of OLD and I'm thinking DonH isn't too far off. Definitely not coming across much substance out there, or seeing CWarrior's proclaimed flood of dates.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/02/22 12:36 PM
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by LH19
It’s still difficult sometimes when I think back to where I dropped the ball in my marriage. My kids are doing great but I know they miss being a family.
Completely understand this sentiment. Sometimes feels like the new normal to me, and other times still feels surreal, but though there's no putting Humpty Dumpty back together again I do wish ExW would've chosen to work through any issues and kept our family together. Not sure I'll ever be convinced that wouldn't be the best thing certainly for our kids, and perhaps us as well.
Sure absolutely a two parent home is better for the kids and when you have two people working towards the same goal anything is possible.

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by LH19
I sense lately she is pissed at me.
Any theories why? Did you do something specific, or perhaps she's frustrated with her own situation and not as happy as expected with D and life and taking it out on you? Or...maybe any guess is pointless speculation.
Oh I know why. She has dug herself into a hole they will be difficult to get herself out of. I am sure it's my fault she is in that hole. It will be interesting this week, I just found out this week she is still on my property deed and had the paperwork drawn up to get her off. I She will have to take it to get notarized.

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by LH19
In honor of Don H. I am firing up the dating apps tomorrow and see where it takes me in 2022. I did some research and read that it takes the average man to send 114 messages to receive 1 response. I guess that’s why OLD is frustrating lol.
Any Day 1 or 2 success? New accounts based on resolutions are probably being created out there as we type! Honestly just a few months of OLD and I'm thinking DonH isn't too far off. Definitely not coming across much substance out there, or seeing CWarrior's proclaimed flood of dates.
Yeah I started chatting with a couple women yesterday. They are both on travel mode right now so we will see. BL you need to be patient. Read what I posted 114. I am a decent looking dude who is in shape, has a career, a house and lives alone and I probably get 1 out of 10 returned. Do some research on it and it will make you feel better. Don't compare yourself to CW he is a rarity in OLDing. Why don't you post your profile on here and Ginger will give you some feedback. After all she has probably seen a million of them lol. Remember that slow and steady wins the race.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/02/22 01:45 PM
Yup, I’ve been swiping on and off for years

Id be happy to help. We are in the same age bracket. You don’t need to post your profile if you aren’t comfortable with that. I can tell you what I absolutely swipe left on and what makes me swipe right if you want.

The problem is it’s hard to judge substance from a profile
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/02/22 04:19 PM
Yo G-money. What kind of opening message tickles your loins lol?

A specific question about your bio?

Please give an example. Thx!
Posted By: markw Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/02/22 05:25 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
In honor of Don H. I am firing up the dating apps tomorrow and see where it takes me in 2022. I did some research and read that it takes the average man to send 114 messages to receive 1 response. I guess that’s why OLD is frustrating lol.
Any Day 1 or 2 success? New accounts based on resolutions are probably being created out there as we type! Honestly just a few months of OLD and I'm thinking DonH isn't too far off. Definitely not coming across much substance out there, or seeing CWarrior's proclaimed flood of dates.[/quote]


when i start the road to dating - is this what i am due to expect!

Wow - i was hoping that lonely ladies would be only too willing to want to talk to me! how wrong it seems i am!!

is there a time of year when its easier to talk than other times?
Posted By: Traveler Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/02/22 05:49 PM
Originally Posted by BL42
Definitely not coming across much substance out there, or seeing CWarrior's proclaimed flood of dates.

Originally Posted by LH19
I am a decent looking dude who is in shape, has a career, a house and lives alone and I probably get 1 out of 10 returned. Do some research on it and it will make you feel better. Don't compare yourself to CW he is a rarity in OLDing.
My success in getting replies and dates is only rare because more men don't write profiles the way I do.

Photos - Mine test better than 67% of men per 30s/40s women. I'm NOT super hot, nor ugly. What tested well? A mix of face, body, activity, and group shots. Keep your clothes on, at least until you meet. wink

Profile - I learned in marketing you close more deals if 33% of your target demographic rates you a 9 and 67% rate you a 4, than if 100% rate you a 6--so whatever is unique about you, PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE! If you're a huge hockey fan, or you have a fetish for martial arts, or you only date women with degrees--that makes you a GREAT match for some and a TERRIBLE match for others. Don't be profile #492 that likes walks on the beach. Be brave. Filtering at the profile stage is cheap!

Human-to-Human - Always remember there's a human on the other side of the screen with a life and career and feelings. If you match, don't treat them like a number, treat them like you'd want to be treated.

The above work for me in both LTR and Casual sections.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/02/22 06:49 PM
In full disclosure, 4 out of 5 dentists recommended my photos on Match.com
Posted By: Traveler Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/02/22 07:22 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
In full disclosure, 4 out of 5 dentists recommended my photos on Match.com
It costs about $5 to test a set of photos with your desired demographic. For me, that's a worthwhile investment. I'm an engineer at heart, so like Andrew, I thrive on actionable data. It was sometimes surprising to me which of my photos--all accurate pictures taken by myself or friends--scored in the 40th percentile vs in the 70th percentile.
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/02/22 07:24 PM
Great advice CW!! I concur with everything you wrote. As a woman, it is a quick swipe left if the profile shows no personality or looks like 100 others. I have often wanted to swipe right just to give the person some advice…lol. If I did do that, here is what I would say…

1. Don’t post pictures of yourself frowning. Even if you don’t want to show a big toothy grin, at least have a half smile that reaches your eyes. Also…no pictures of you looking like Grizzly Adams, the Unibomber or a long lost member of ZZTop. If you have facial hair, it should be neatly trimmed so you look like you take care of yourself. Maybe the odd person would swipe right on that look but I think the vast majority would not. I see pictures like that and my first thought is that the person has given up. Yes, that’s a judgment but honestly, that’s what first impressions are based on. So be aware that if you look like you have given up taking care of yourself, the only person swiping right is someone who is of a similar mindset.

2. Please…no shirtless pictures unless you are on a beach. The bathroom mirror selfies are not a seller. If you look too good, many women would be intimidated and/or think you are all about your looks or they think it can’t possibly be you. If you don’t look good, that’s not doing you any favours either. Also…no selfies of you lying in your bed with your head on a pillow. It’s just not a good look. Personally, that’s a view I would rather see in person once I’ve gotten to know someone well enough.

3. Don’t post pictures that were obviously taken 30 years ago or pictures of yourself with other people…especially if they are more attractive than you. That’s just not smart. I’ve seen a number of profiles where the main picture is of two guys with one being more attractive. Scroll down and you find out the profile is for the other guy. It’s just an automatic letdown and a swipe left. Also no pictures of you and other women unless you clearly identify in your profile that she is your sister, daughter or some other relative. That’s key. If you post a picture of you and someone who looks like a model who is not related to you, only women who feel like they can compete with her will swipe right. The subliminal message is, “you have to look like this person to get my attention.” And if it’s clearly a picture of you and someone you don’t know (i.e. you and a waitress at Hooters), you just look desperate. If you want to post it because it’s a great picture of you than photoshop the other person out.

4. Write something about yourself!! If you only post pictures, it says you are either so conceited that you think pictures are enough to attract someone, so boring you have nothing to say, or you aren’t really investing in the process therefore unlikely to invest in a date. And when you do write something, do NOT be negative and talk about all the things you don’t want. You just sound bitter and angry and no one wants to go out with someone like that. Also…proofread what you write out loud so you can hear how it sounds when someone is reading it. And spell check!! A spelling mistake or two is okay but if your profile has a lot of them, you come across as not very intelligent.

5. Think carefully about what you write. You want it to be unique to you, somewhat lighthearted, non-judgmental [of yourself and/or others] and give the reader an idea of what you have to offer and also what you are looking for. The goal of a write up is to pique someone’s interest enough that they want to take a chance on you. You also want to come across as approachable, friendly, and confident but not too confident.

6. Think about the kind of person you are trying to attract. If there are people in your life who emulate what you are looking for, ask them what it is they would look for in a profile and get them to review yours.

Anyway…that’s my two cents. Best of luck in 2022 to those of you planning to walk through this minefield of internet dating. It’s an interesting process, to say the least. My best advice is to not get too invested in someone before you meet them or have high expectations. Keep your expectations reasonable and enjoy the process of meeting new people that you would likely never meet any other way. I haven’t met “the one” yet but I’ve had some fun and made a few new friends so it hasn’t been a waste of time.

Happy New Year LH!! Hopefully this wasn’t too much of a hijack! (((HUGS))
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/02/22 09:51 PM
I love Hijacks. Mine is always an open thread.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/02/22 10:09 PM
Originally Posted by markw
Originally Posted by LH19
In honor of Don H. I am firing up the dating apps tomorrow and see where it takes me in 2022. I did some research and read that it takes the average man to send 114 messages to receive 1 response. I guess that’s why OLD is frustrating lol.
Any Day 1 or 2 success? New accounts based on resolutions are probably being created out there as we type! Honestly just a few months of OLD and I'm thinking DonH isn't too far off. Definitely not coming across much substance out there, or seeing CWarrior's proclaimed flood of dates.


when i start the road to dating - is this what i am due to expect!

Wow - i was hoping that lonely ladies would be only too willing to want to talk to me! how wrong it seems i am!!

is there a time of year when its easier to talk than other times?[/quote]

It will start to pick up today. In my experience Nov - Dec is the slowest time. In full disclosure I do not have a problem getting dates. My problem is that I’m too picky. I have zero problems being alone so I am patient. DejaVu gave great advice above. Ginger would be happy to help. Let’s work on your profile. Unfortunately women are just about as shallow as men so you got to have some good pics and a tight profile. The three things 90% of women are looking for is loyalty, communication and humor. Great buzz words would be spontaneous, intelligent, chivalrous. Also 90% of them love hiking, kayaking, the beach, wine tasting and concerts.
Posted By: 97Hope Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/02/22 11:28 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Wow - i was hoping that lonely ladies would be only too willing to want to talk to me! how wrong it seems i am!!

This cracked me up!! lol

I love Deja's advice. All very solid from my POV. I will not OLD, but for personal reasons, I certainly don't knock it and have a few friends that have made some wonderful friendships from it. I watch TT's and live vicariously through their OLD experiences.

I'm reminded of what my Gma always said "there is a lid for every kettle".

I think my advice, since you didn't ask, would be to just be yourself. If you see someone you would like to get to know, ask.

You might be missing a nice lady in the produce section.

Also, be careful with lonely people. Date for enhancement to your life, or for the enhancement of another's life, but not to fill a void, or to be a void filler.

It is good to be here reading up on the convos. I've missed this group.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/02/22 11:54 PM
I think dejavu summed that up wonderfully. She’s pretty spot on, although I do like some clean beards. Lol.

Leave your kids out of your profile. As in out of your description and out of your pictures. There is a section where you can say you have kids and if you are divorced. No need to use your “about new” section on that. “My kids are my world” or “father first” are also a big no no.

No gym selfies please. No dead fish pictures with a hat and sunglasses where I can’t see uou anyways.

A smile almost always grabs me. Men rarely smile, and try to look all badass and it doesn’t work.

Your profile should actually be about you, it everything you don’t want in someone else . And it should grab someone’s attention like she said and have something in there you would really like to get to know more. Something that is going to generate a little conversation. “Just ask” gets a hard swipe left for me.

Full body shot always should be included.

For the love of god don’t put “school of hard knocks” under education

Be the guy a woman wants to talk to if she met you out in the wild.
Posted By: 97Hope Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/03/22 12:08 AM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I think dejavu summed that up wonderfully. She’s pretty spot on, although I do like some clean beards. Lol.

Leave your kids out of your profile. As in out of your description and out of your pictures. There is a section where you can say you have kids and if you are divorced. No need to use your “about new” section on that. “My kids are my world” or “father first” are also a big no no.

THIS.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
No gym selfies please. No dead fish pictures with a hat and sunglasses where I can’t see uou anyways. A smile almost always grabs me. Men rarely smile, and try to look all badass and it doesn’t work.

Maybe an activity pic would be ok, tho? I like to see people active (kayaking, hiking or similar interests). YES. Smile. No badassery.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
For the love of god don’t put “school of hard knocks” under education
Oh holy night, Ginger is completely right!! Do. Not. ugh. bleck. gah! Just no.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Be the guy a woman wants to talk to if she met you out in the wild.

lol "in the wild'. I like that.
Posted By: DonH Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/03/22 02:43 AM
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Originally Posted by Ginger1
“My kids are my world” or “father first” are also a big no no.

THIS.

Um so not totally sure who said what or who added the bold, but what’s a big no no? Posting my kids are my world or come first, or feeling that way? Or maybe it’s both? But would anyone really respect any father who didn’t put his kids first? Would you really want to date that kind of a man? And regardless of if he puts it in his profile or not, its likely the truth. I mean spoken or not, it’s just reality for any quality man or woman. If both the girlfriend (or boyfriend) and child are drowning and he/she can only save one of you, is there any doubt who it is going to be? Expecting to be put ahead of the children is just kidding yourself.

This is why dating anyone with children - especially minor children - is so very difficult and challenging. The kids are always going to come first. You will have little say in how they are parented and disciplined and if it comes down to choosing, the choice will always be the child. Of course that does not mean there can’t be room for the SO. But it’s also why many don’t date or at least seriously date until the kids age 18. It’s also why many second marriages with minor children fail.

It’s just the way it is - whether spoken or admitted or not.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/03/22 03:57 AM
Originally Posted by DonH
You will have little say in how they are parented and disciplined and if it comes down to choosing, the choice will always be the child.

It’s just the way it is - whether spoken or admitted or not.
Don, that may be what dating YOU would be like, but there are many men and women with different takes on what a blended family may look like. They are not lying just because their concepts disagree with yours.

Many years ago I was best friends with a woman whose son adored me. She wanted me to parent, discipline, and be his father figure--which is ultimately why I didn't pursue a deeper relationship. It wasn't a role I was willing to accept. She found and married another guy years ago who was and her son seems very happy to have a real father figure in his life.

"If it comes down to choosing.."--oh? Do you have more than one child? If it comes down to choosing, which do you choose?! Outside of science fiction lifeboat scenarios, you balance the needs of your kids, you don't pick one.
Posted By: kml Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/03/22 04:26 AM
Quote
Also…no pictures of you looking like Grizzly Adams, the Unibomber or a long lost member of ZZTop

Lol or Santa Claus!

As for the dead fish photos - if you’re looking for a woman who likes fishing, or at least won’t mind if you’re gone fishing all the time, then go ahead and post them! The one guy I dated since my divorce who I did NOT meet online (Mr Big Lots) is a really avid fisherman and always posts pictures on FB of himself fishing. If he were online dating, those pictures would be an accurate representation of him and his interests, and could work as a good screening tool. (Of course, he’s hella handsome even dangling a dead fish so he has that going for him).

Definitely no bathroom selfies. Definitely do identify any females in the photos. Don’t use photos with the woman cropped out - makes me assume it’s a photo of you with an ex-wife of girlfriend. I DO like photos of a guy with other people - shows me he has friends!

As for opening lines - I liked it when a guy would say something that showed he had actually read my profile. Like - “you play drums? I play bass in a blues band” or “what time of year did you climb Mt Whitney? I climbed Rainier once”. If you make a joke make sure it’s not a stupid one. Just asking a simple question like “how did you get interested in playing the drums” or “ what’s your favorite country you’ve visited” is okay too, so long as that’s something mentioned in my profile. What doesn’t work is a generic “what’s up?” that you’ve sent to 100 other women whose profiles you haven’t read.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Middle Age Dating - 01/03/22 11:50 AM
Originally Posted by DonH
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Originally Posted by Ginger1
“My kids are my world” or “father first” are also a big no no.

THIS.

Um so not totally sure who said what or who added the bold, but what’s a big no no? Posting my kids are my world or come first, or feeling that way? Or maybe it’s both? But would anyone really respect any father who didn’t put his kids first? Would you really want to date that kind of a man? And regardless of if he puts it in his profile or not, its likely the truth. I mean spoken or not, it’s just reality for any quality man or woman. If both the girlfriend (or boyfriend) and child are drowning and he/she can only save one of you, is there any doubt who it is going to be? Expecting to be put ahead of the children is just kidding yourself.

This is why dating anyone with children - especially minor children - is so very difficult and challenging. The kids are always going to come first. You will have little say in how they are parented and disciplined and if it comes down to choosing, the choice will always be the child. Of course that does not mean there can’t be room for the SO. But it’s also why many don’t date or at least seriously date until the kids age 18. It’s also why many second marriages with minor children fail.

It’s just the way it is - whether spoken or admitted or not.

Me. I put it! Anyone who has to take that small
Space on their about me on a dating profile to say that is always doing 1 of 2 things.

1) they are trying to prove something. Parents put their kids first. It’s a given. No need for a declaration on a dating app. Most of them actually see their kids on the weekends and make this big declaration

2) “my kids are my world” well, really??? 9/10 it’s a cop out so that they can use that as an excuse to never put you anywhere on their priority list.

The best parents I have ever dated we’re the ones not shouting it from the rooftops on a dating app.

New Thread:

Middle Age Dating II
© DivorceBusting.com