Well, it’s been a minute since I started a thread. I guess I decided to start one as somewhat of a journal. Maybe check in once in a blue moon. I just want everyone to know I read along. I rarely comment, but I’m rooting you on from behind the scenes.
Kid- she’s a freshman in high school now! When did that happen?! She’s thriving in her new school,
Made new friends immediately and is outgoing and happy. She’s quite the social butterfly. She fits in very well at this school. They are all very good academically focused kids. It’s not a regular high school. These kids are like minded and focused and don’t get in trouble. And it’s a parents dream. She did get her first career C which was in French. But so did the rest of her class. So I went easy on her. Her sport is swimming, and because neither Hugh school has it. We pay and she loves it. She doesn’t compete but is on a team that trains for competition. The pool is at a local gym and we joined together and we work out together on the weekends. She’s still a wise ass teen ( no idea where she got that from) but is a good kid. I’m super proud of her.
Job- I still love my job. It’s been getting a little more exhausting because we are so short staffed. But I love my coworkers. I regret sometimes not going for the managerial position , my coworkers still see me as that resource, but it is what it is. I still work my second job too .
Friends-I have really become close with my coworkers. We do a lot of social things together. They are just the most awesome non judge mental fun people . We have a partner sponsored event nearly every week lately and we basically get wines and dined and all get to hang out and have fun. I love them all. And this summer I went to a country music festival at the beach with the nurses on my unit and we had a blast!
Ex- well, the ex is the ex. Not a big part of my life. He does weird stuff like him and my daughter walked in my house last week with no warning, scared the poop out of me, then he took his hat off to scare me because he shaved his head. I was taken a back because he has always had hair. Then he asks for a glass of wine and hangs out. Anyone I tell this weird stuff to thinks he still holds a little bit of a torch for me. I doubt it, but I imagine if I said “ want to have sec” he would surely say yes and cheat on his wife. My daughter still tells me His wife is always speaking no nicely about me and “really likes me” she will see something I might like in a store and buy it for me. Weird.
Money- a constant issue that will likely never go away until my daughter graduates and I can move. I just can barely afford this state. My mortgage and taxes are unbelievable . I’m drowning and living paycheck to paycheck and there isn’t much more I can do about to. I’m frugal in most areas. I get by, but I am kind of sick of just getting by. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel in the next few years and leaving to a cheaper area to live a simple life. I thought about taking advantage of local travel nursing contracts because they would solve my problems, but I don’t want to give up my current job
Health- well, I am getting my yearly surgery next Thursday. This stupid knee, 3 rd procedure. All because I wanted to have some fun and play volleyball a few years ago. I have lots of pain and he needs to re clean up my meniscus and remove scar tissue. Eh, it gives me 2 weeks off of work and I’m looking forward to that. I did lose some weight, I feel better, but I have another 15 lbs to go. Otherwise im a rather healthy 41 year old woman. Grateful for that.
Dating- this area of my life may always be a train wreck and i realize that. I have dated ALOT this year. I have had alot of sex this year, lol. I definitely went through a hoe phase, lol. One or 2 one nighters. Some I dated for a bit. I am afraid I am now the avoidant. I cannot get close to anyone. I feel nothing for anyone. One guy really really likes me and k ended it and he just keeps telling me how much he misses me. But I just know he isn’t the one . I don’t want to lead him on. I don’t want to use him. The guy I liked the most who I saw on and off for a few months ( I did not have sex with him) is going through alot with his very recent ex. He also has a 3 and 5 year old. I can’t do that again. We have an awesome time together. He’s really a cool as heck guy. But he commit to a date ever. We became friends and that’s that. I also dated a guy who was awful. He reminded me of my ex. Nothing nice to say, always critical. I found out he was bipolar and I could see alot of his behaviors my mom had. He was medicated and treated but really a huge douche. He was the one that would give time to me and plan ahead, but he wasn’t nice and I didn’t want to spend the time with him. So I said goodbye.
I just haven’t been able to feel anything since M. I cannot get close to a single guy. I think that ruined me more than I thought. I handled that breakup fine, but in the end. I thought he was it and this was what I was waiting for . I thought it was my chance at the family I wanted so badly. And I trusted him . And I just can’t get close to anyone enough to trust them. Is my ho phase a way to keep people at a distance. Most likely. Is it healthy? It was what I needed for a while and it was kind of fun. Not anymore. ( I’ve been safe during this ho phase, by the way) it was a good distraction for a while, but the truth of the matter is, I probably need therapy again to figure out how to get close to someone again.
In the meantime , friends and the like always tell me I exude positivity, they love being around me and that I give off such a positive vibe and I’maid back and take things as they come. Strangers like to share their life story with me, people come to me for comfort and advice. Maybe it’s my purpose. Maybe it’s what I have to offer to this world. When I feel utterly lonely ( and lonely as in lack of family and partner ) I think maybe my purpose is just to lift others up.
Some days I’m so mentally and emotionally exhausted. I can’t explain it. But I function like a champ still. I never let my pain sleep through. Not even my closest friends have any idea what I’m going through inside. I think that’s better reserved for a professional, lol.
Well, if you got this far, thanks for listening ! I hope everyone is well and having a great holiday season.
((((((Girl))))))
It’s ok to take a break from dating. My question h do or you us: we’re the guys you weren’t really interested in actual bad fits, or simply nice guys that were interested so you weren’t? (As in - are you chasing the unavailable types and passing up the nice guys? Or were those guys just obviously not a fit?)
I seem to be in this constant cycle of dating, being unsuccessful, taking an break and then repeat. 14 years and no luck. It’s unreal sometimes.
I honestly can’t find anyone who is a good fit. No one is. I don’t know if I have just been so single for so long and I love my life so differently from others , or it’s that I really don’t “need” anything from anyone so guys have to really come with something to offer. I absolutely can say that I would much rather be alone than to be in an unfulfilling relationship. Being alone is way better.
This particular guy who seems to not be able to let go is just a situation where he talks about how amazing I am, but he doesn’t even know me. He talks mostly about himself, is oddly obsessed with the fact I have a career and I’m a nurse. But he doesn’t know ME. He also works nights and like every night . So we didn’t even spend much time together .
Most men are living at home. For whatever reason. I let it slide a bit because I know I can barely keep my head above water in this state and if I had a situation where it would be possible and cohabitate with my parents, I probably would!
I need to stop having casual sex, that’s for sure. It was fun at first, but unfulfilling now.
I have not gotten excited for one single guy. I don’t go into dates with excitement or nerves anymore. Just ambivalent.
I have one more coffee date tomorrow . But it’s going to be my last for a while. I just can’t do it anymore. I may just have to cut my losses. I have never had a normal adult relationship. I don’t think it’s going to happen at this point. I have to figure out what might work for me.
Ginger! You finally have a thread again. Nice to catch up.
Props on leaving the dysfunctional partner. I'm sorry you feel ambivalent about the people you meet. If you're good solo, why do potential partners have to "really come with something to offer"? Suppose they offer no more than a friend, but are good in bed, and you slowly connect and care more. Could it be that simple?
Not that I'm in any place to judge, and I just went through my own brief hoe phase, lol.
Happy Thanksgiving. (:
I’ll clarify what I mean by “something to offer” . They need to add to my life in positive ways. That’s all. Honestly, no one really has yet. And it’s hard for me to connect more. And the sex is no longer good for me when there isn’t a higher connection. It has stopped fulfilling ne.
I had made a coffee date for yesterday which was my last date before my break as I decided to delete the apps. Went in with no expectations as usual. Actually low expectations based on my more recent experiences. And wow. By far my best date of the year. And it was only some daytime coffee at Starbucks. 1) so attractive. Tall dark and handsome, in great shape and incredible smile. Highest physical attraction I’ve had yet. I think I haven’t been so physically attracted lately which hasn’t helped. Then the conversation. It was normal! It flowed perfectly. Lots of laughter, we enjoy alot of the same hobbies, his kid is away in college, he owns a home, has a good job and we are in just very similar places in life. Same values likewise. It was just nice and light . Nothing inappropriate. He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek goodbye ( daytime in a busy parking lot on the highway. We have plans for another date and have been texting some but not too much.
Certainly not getting my hopes up, but I finally felt a little part of me come back to life. Maybe I’m not totally dead inside. I look forward to our date. It can’t be until the weekend of the 11th because I have surgery this Thursday. But I’m totally looking forward to it .
On another odd note . I get a text from my ex yesterday around 2 pm “plans tonight?” Thinking he had plans and wanted me to take our daughter. I did have plans at 5, so I texted that back and said “what’s up?” Well, he wanted to invite me over for wine pong pong and rummy. He basically wanted to hang out with me. I believe his wife was there too, so I guess she wanted to hang out with me too?
I know I’m fun and all ( lol) but is this normal? A little strange to me. I did decline because I really did have plans .
Eh, who knows .
Hi Sweetie,
So nice to read an update. So glad not-so-little G is thriving. Not surprising since you're a great mom.
Re the $$ --- any way you can re-fi while rates are still low? Worth checking - especially local banks. Ask around, people are always willing to talk about which local banks are best. You may be able to save more than you think on a re-fi, plus you're in that magic first 5 years of home ownership where the bulk of your monthly mortgage payment is interest anyway. One of my besties is saving over $200 a month on her re-fi. A phone call or two is all the inquiry costs. I've found that actually talking to someone at the bank rather than doing the online calculators has given me better results. Good luck if you opt to check it out
Re the dating stuff ... def worth working through with a pro. Although, I have to say as I was reading your prelude to the coffee date I wondered if he'd be the best date of the year.
Re the ex and his wife. I think that they think of you as family (nice, but odd) ... if it works for not-so-little G then so be it.
I wish I could give you a hug. You're doing so well, and I know how tiring it is to be a single mom. You're amazing and I'm proud of you xoxoxo
Thank you bttfly , your words mean a lot to me. I did just attempt to refinance. All my credit scores are good. Except some weird score they pull which wasn’t good enough. I would only save $150/ month . They think in 4 months I could save more if I can improve it. Right after I attempted the refinance, I actually FINALLY got refunded for my cruise from last April I fought so hard for. So it took my credit card down quite a bit. I’m going to keep trying . My mortgage is ridiculous and I pay $8k in taxes per year. I need a little relief
I guess the ex and his wife do see me as family. It’s super healthy for my daughter, and I guess healthy for me in a way. But being their 3 rd wheel seems awkward. Ex came to drop D off today and he never “has” to get out of the car. But when he isn’t with his wife, he always chooses to and comes in and stays a bit and talks to me.
This new guy is pretty awesome. Definitely different than all the rest. The rest were just all not good fits. This guy I just like taking to and it flows so easy. Stupid, but when we talk he kind of gets me. And actually listens and can relate to me. The other guys had no desire for that. They just wanted one thing. I haven’t felt SEEN by one single guy since M. Actually, I didn’t feel seen by him either. And that’s what I want and that’s what I need. Nothing seemed authentic or genuine from anyone. Even the guy who is very into me . Too early to tell anything with this guy. We have to wait 2 weeks for a date, but we chat via text and will have a phone call tomorrow night.
Even if this doesn’t pan out, it has been eye opening. I know what’s been missing. Nobody has bothered to truly see me at all. And that’s what I really really need . And I don’t want anything else if I can’t have that
everyone deserves that G, to be truly seen and valued for who they are. if you're not seen and valued for who you are in an intimate relationship then it begs the question of just how intimate that relationship really, truly is or can be... I'm so glad you've had a taste of that with this guy, regardless of how it turns out. You've discovered something really important here. xoxoxo
p.s. you're worth that and so much more ! xoxoxo
Ginger, I’m so glad you feel seen and valued for who you are. Like butterfly says, that sounds wonderful, and I think there’s much about you to see and appreciate.
Good for you for figuring out what you want and need. You are an amazing catch and you shouldn't settle for less than.
Kid- she’s a freshman in high school now! When did that happen?! She’s thriving in her new school,
Made new friends immediately and is outgoing and happy. She’s quite the social butterfly. She fits in very well at this school. They are all very good academically focused kids. It’s not a regular high school. These kids are like minded and focused and don’t get in trouble. And it’s a parents dream. She did get her first career C which was in French. But so did the rest of her class. So I went easy on her. Her sport is swimming, and because neither Hugh school has it. We pay and she loves it. She doesn’t compete but is on a team that trains for competition. The pool is at a local gym and we joined together and we work out together on the weekends. She’s still a wise ass teen ( no idea where she got that from) but is a good kid. I’m super proud of her.
Well if she ever decides to swim at a swim meet please let me know.
I want to come watch.
I can't believe that she is in high school, seems like we were just making gack.
But then again I can't believe my kids are parents so, I guess its about right.
Cadet, sadly her high school does not have a swim team, but I’m working to get her in some sort of team. I would love and she would love to have you and your little lady come cheer her on! She’s quite the swimmer ! I can’t believe she is in high school either . It all happens too fast, doesn’t it?
I had my surgery yesterday . Surgery went well, they are pretty confident they fixed the problem. Recovery didn’t go so well and I ended up there a lot longer. IV fentanyl or Toradol was NOT working on my pain and I can’t take anything by mouth long acting because my reactions. The pain was really damn bad. The anesthesiologist decided to do a nerve block. I had a nerve block before my first surgery under sedation. Well, they couldn’t do this kne under sedation and HOLY sh!t that sucked! But my pain went from a 10 to a 0. But then I kind of had A Vasovagal reaction after they sat me up, I became cold and sweaty and nauseas and my blood pressure dropped a lot and they had to put me in trendelenburg position ( head lower thank feet) and I felt better.
I’m home. My nerve block hasn’t worn off yet and I’m scared for when it does. I had friends bring me food and books, my dad and his wife are here and they leave tomorrow. Ex’s wife just texted me saying she hopes everything went well and if need anything to just ask. That was nice. I never told ex about the surgery, D did. Ex however hasn’t said boo.
New guy was very sweet and texted me the morning of and after asking how everything went. I remember when I had my surgery and M and I were serious he didn’t say anything the night before or the morning of because of how it affected him. Douche.
Ready for my 2 weeks off. Got books . Got food. Some fun events coming up.
Kind of sad the only way I get a break is with surgery, but I’ll take it !
Great news! Glad it all went well.
Sounds like your ex being your ex.
Enjoy your time off.
Hoping you stay comfortable, glad new guy seems normally considerate!
Well, got the “you are a very nice person and it’s not you, I just don’t have the feelings I need to move this forward” text. In the same day I get another text from that other guy asking for another chance.
Yikes. Lots of stuff today. Anyways. I think I really need some time to myself. I guess there has always been someone in the picture on whatever level for the past few months, maybe just covering up feelings and stopping me from getting my head on straight in that area.
Honestly didn’t see this coming. He’s been texting and communicating and telling me how much he can’t wait for our date on Friday. But it what it is.
Oh well
So, the day before my surgery I cut off the connection I had with the guy I have been loosely seeing since august. I guess this is a time of just clearing everything out and starting all over
Ugh - sorry! But better to find out early. Who knows - maybe he was married and his wife found out. It’s one of the risks of online dating.
(((((Hug))))))
Thanks KML. I don’t think he’s married with a secret family. He did seem like he is a little midlife crisis-y. He spoke a lot about “at our age” we are 41 and 43 ! He seemed really insecure too.
But hey. I know what it is and what it constantly is. I’m nice. That’s it. There is no “it” factor about me. I’m just a nice person, I go to work, I raise my daughter, and that’s about it. I’m not quirky. I am funny, but I just don’t have the “it” factor . I’m ideal on paper, but That does ignite a spark. I’m fun enough to hook up with , not special enough to lock down .
I accept it. But it’s who I am. Maybe someone one day will feel the spark with perfectly boring me
Hey Ginger, that’s BS. Your sass shines through in your posts, I get the sense that you are definitely a catch.
I have a few female friends, lates 30s, who all say the same thing. And the funny thing is they’re all attractive, kind, funny, easy to chat to. You can’t all be without the “it” factor.
Honestly, it seems to be that men at this age are mostly not ready, or just want to sleep around or haven’t worked out their own sh!t enough.
I understand that it’s disheartening, just keep being you and things will happen as they’re meant to.
But hey. I know what it is and what it constantly is. I’m nice. That’s it. There is no “it” factor about me. I’m just a nice person, I go to work, I raise my daughter, and that’s about it. I’m not quirky. I am funny, but I just don’t have the “it” factor . I’m ideal on paper, but That does ignite a spark. I’m fun enough to hook up with , not special enough to lock down .
I accept it. But it’s who I am. Maybe someone one day will feel the spark with perfectly boring me
What?!?
Don’t you make me come over there to set you straight. You are a fantastic gal!
A nice person, who works hard, is raising her daughter, and has a sense of humour. You’re already the ninety ninth percentile.
And a pretty special women if you ask me.
D
“Plus you have a J.O.B.!!! And you’re bringing the (unmentionable word) to HIM! “. Read in the voice of Mojo Nixon. He said this to me once backstage, after I told him the story about going to see my first post-divorce boyfriend in Northern California. He couldn’t imagine that any man wouldn’t be thrilled to have a self-sufficient gainfully employed woman who was bringing the you-know-what to him!
Girl - you have SO much going for you! Maybe you’ve got a bad picker, but this isn’t about you not being enough.
OB- thanks you. I’ve been dating actively for like 11 years . It’s just getting worse out there. Nothing makes sense that happens in the dating world. I began listening to to this new podcast called dating deeply, and it really explains how OLD can be dehumanizing. It really has become that way. Even with texting even after you meet. People forget there is a real life human behind the screen. I do definitely have some sass, I’m not all that boring, lol. I do get passionate in the stuff I strongly believe in .
DNJ and KML- thank you also! I am more settled than most, and I think men often don’t even know what to do with that. Women at my age just went through divorces . Or have never even been married. And I’m just living a regular old life here. But I am really ok with me. I feel like others may not be. I think I might be also a little intimidating. I do have my ish together ( my finances could be better). Most men pretend to know what they want, but they really don’t know. Most are fresh out of divorce. Most want the benefits of having a girlfriend without having to be a boyfriend. It’s truly a mess out there.
It just came out of left field with this guy. One minute talking about how he was looking forward to our dinner Friday night and then a text comes through that actually started off with “hey, it’s not you!” He needs to be feeling more before he takes it to the next level. Ummm, is dinner the next level? It was nice to have someone who didn’t treat me sexually right off the bat. Oh well.
This other guy who worships me keeps asking for another chance. He wants me in his life anyone he can have me apparently. I hate hurting his feelings, but I don’t feel it.
I don’t know if my picker is off, because there is only so much you can truly know through a few exchanges from an OLD profile.
I still think I just need to get out of this area. I have tapped it out , lol. I can’t begin to tell you how much I cannot wait to move. I want to sell this house and rent a nice apartment for half the price. Living where I do absolutely is causing me so much stress on so many levels. I just have to hang in for the next few years.
I’m hoping once my knee recovers I can get back to focusing on some of my hobbies. Winter hiking is something new I want to try.
Thanks for the support. I really am disheartened and worn out . The holidays aren’t helping
I began listening to to this new podcast called dating deeply, and it really explains how OLD can be dehumanizing. It really has become that way. Even with texting even after you meet. People forget there is a real life human behind the screen.
Don’t want to be an I told you so (although I do enjoy it from time to time - ha!) but I’ve been beating the drum about this for years now. It’s totally dehumanizing! Felt way worse than not doing it at all. And it clearly is getting worse - but so is our world. Sure OLD may introduce you to more people but what quality and at what personal cost?
As for this latest guy, it’s totally him and not you. He’s being honest there. But what had you so attracted? Was it his looks? Cuz I’m kinda thinking that was a sizable part of it. And as for saying that you’re just attracting guys who don’t see the interest. Well then, how do you explain the guy begging to see you? He seems EXTREMELY interested. But you’re not. Again is looks part of it? And I’m not throwing stones here as I’m very much adapt at dating above my league.
Changing locations could help with some things but with finding a good guy? What, you’ve dated through all of them in Jersey and NY? Lol. C’mon.
I clearly don’t have the answer but would have to say the guys you’re picking and the way you are interacting is likely part if the equation - for both of us - given how long we’ve both been single. But it’s also just single people in our age range. I just had someone reach out to me saying let’s get together - in part after a recent somewhat traumatic personal life event. I responded warmly and told her I’d love to. Saw her in person a week later where she again made sure I call her and we’ll make plans. She was the “aggressor” for lack of a better word both times. So after thanksgiving, as I promised, I reach out to set something up. And… crickets. And I know her IRL. I will see her again eventually. Perhaps there’s an explanation but so far it’s evidently like let’s have lunch, or the checks in the mail, or I won’t a’hem in your… just words? Just what people say - if you need anything, don’t hesitate to let me know. To which you say, you know what I could use is… and oh, um, well let me see, Im pretty busy.
People just suck Ginger. They just do. Not everyone but just like finding a partner, finding true friends can be just as hard. I wish I had the answer. At least for now I’m nearly positive OLD is not it. And as I started to say, it’s just gotten worse. It’s become second nature to lie and ghost and treat people poorly. One minute it’s, can’t wait for Friday dinner (or let’s get together and meet for drinks or something) and the next they are off onto something or someone else. The great ones… are still married.
Don’t want to be an I told you so (although I do enjoy it from time to time - ha!) but I’ve been beating the drum about this for years now.
I disagree. You enjoy it 100% of the time.
It’s totally dehumanizing!
Dehumanizing!? WTF? It's called rejection Don and it hurts for a bit and you move on.
Felt way worse than not doing it at all.
I am sorry OLD was that cruel to you.
Sure OLD may introduce you to more people but what quality and at what personal cost?
I find the quality to be very good. The cost is sometimes my ego takes a hit for a few hours/days.
And I’m not throwing stones here as I’m very much adapt at dating above my league.
I think this may be the key. It's tough to date out of your league when OLD because its mainly about the pics.
Changing locations could help with some things but with finding a good guy? What, you’ve dated through all of them in Jersey and NY? Lol. C’mon.
I believe Ginger was being facetious Don.
I clearly don’t have the answer but would have to say the guys you’re picking and the way you are interacting is likely part if the equation - for both of us - given how long we’ve both been single.
Hmmm. Sounds like the definition of insanity.
But it’s also just single people in our age range.
What about these people?
I just had someone reach out to me saying let’s get together - in part after a recent somewhat traumatic personal life event. I responded warmly and told her I’d love to. Saw her in person a week later where she again made sure I call her and we’ll make plans. She was the “aggressor” for lack of a better word both times. So after thanksgiving, as I promised, I reach out to set something up. And… crickets. And I know her IRL. I will see her again eventually.
Why not make a date on the spot Don?
Perhaps there’s an explanation but so far it’s evidently like let’s have lunch, or the checks in the mail, or I won’t a’hem in your… just words? Just what people say - if you need anything, don’t hesitate to let me know. To which you say, you know what I could use is… and oh, um, well let me see, Im pretty busy.
She likely lost interest or found someone else. You snooze you lose.
People just suck Ginger. They just do.
Don that's a very unhealthy outlook on people.
Not everyone but just like finding a partner, finding true friends can be just as hard.
Very true. Just becasue it is hard doesn't mean you give up.
I wish I had the answer. At least for now I’m nearly positive OLD is not it.
Don I agree it is not for you because you have become jaded by it.
One minute it’s, can’t wait for Friday dinner (or let’s get together and meet for drinks or something) and the next they are off onto something or someone else.
You say oh well and move on.
The great ones… are still married.
Well there you go Don. All the good ones are married so you can stop trying.
People just suck Ginger. They just do. Not everyone but just like finding a partner, finding true friends can be just as hard. I wish I had the answer. At least for now I’m nearly positive OLD is not it. And as I started to say, it’s just gotten worse. It’s become second nature to lie and ghost and treat people poorly. One minute it’s, can’t wait for Friday dinner (or let’s get together and meet for drinks or something) and the next they are off onto something or someone else. The great ones… are still married.
Don, you often sound jaded. Recall the bit about us attracting what we put out into the world. As LH says, if someone's looking for dates and tells you they'd like to give you a try, if you're interested, strike when the iron's hot. If you dawdle, don't be surprised when their date card is full. I hear you that you expect a courtesy response, "I'm busy the next couple of weeks, but thanks for reaching out, I'd love to go on a date sometime! Maybe in the New Year.. (in case the two guys I'm dating NOW don't work out and nobody else appears who's more eager than you)" Expectations. I do strive for courtesy responses, to treat everyone as a human and as I would want to be treated. But I get SO many messages--and I get busy sometimes. Consider extending her the courtesy of the benefit of the doubt (give what you want to receive). How might that change your view of people?
It just came out of left field with this guy. One minute talking about how he was looking forward to our dinner Friday night and then a text comes through that actually started off with “hey, it’s not you!” He needs to be feeling more before he takes it to the next level. Ummm, is dinner the next level? It was nice to have someone who didn’t treat me sexually right off the bat. Oh well.
Ginger, I'm sorry to hear that.
This other guy who worships me keeps asking for another chance. He wants me in his life anyone he can have me apparently. I hate hurting his feelings, but I don’t feel it.
If you're sure you're not feeling it, there's nothing wrong with saying NEXT. As you say, romantic partners have to add to our lives. I don't need insane chemistry but I want some chemistry, too.
Thanks for the support. I really am disheartened and worn out . The holidays aren’t helping
I've admitted I'm worried about being alone on Christmas Eve and am making plans to have a full house and people to cook for. What could you do to make your holiday more fulfilling?
I’m hoping once my knee recovers I can get back to focusing on some of my hobbies. Winter hiking is something new I want to try.
Winter hiking is an AWESOME hobby! You get to go to spots that are usually crowded and enjoy them all to yourself, as long as you are prepared for soft snow (snowshoes), hard snow (crampons), and have enough layers to thermally regulate. If only you lived nearer! I look forward to hearing about your adventures.
Hey G. No words of wisdom from me bit just know that you are not alone. I can definitely understand you feeling disheartened and also feeling numb inside when you do go out with someone. Lately I’ve noticed myself feeling the same way. I still have hope and I’m still interested in meeting someone but the process seems like so much work that I haven’t even chatted with anyone online since I was suddenly ghosted by a guy who asked me out and then “disappeared” the day before we were supposed to meet up. I’m usually pretty open to meeting people but I haven’t been feeling that way recently. Hoping the new year brings new opportunities…for both of us. (((HUGS)))
Honey you're gorgeous, smart, and worth waaaay more than this treatment. I have no words. I don't know why these people behave this way, but it's definitely not you.
You have so much to offer. Please don't let this dim your shine xoxoxo
Ginger1,
And this summer I went to a country music festival at the beach with the nurses on my unit and we had a blast!
Me too! Any chance it was between two piers of a boardwalk? That'd be funny if we both attended the same one lol
Most men are living at home. For whatever reason. I let it slide a bit because I know I can barely keep my head above water in this state and if I had a situation where it would be possible and cohabitate with my parents, I probably would!
Most single men you've encountered in that age range are living with their parents? That seems...odd.
Well, got the “you are a very nice person and it’s not you, I just don’t have the feelings I need to move this forward” text.
Sorry it didn't work out. You seemed excited, so that must've been disappointing.
I’ve been dating actively for like 11 years . It’s just getting worse out there. Nothing makes sense that happens in the dating world. I began listening to to this new podcast called dating deeply, and it really explains how OLD can be dehumanizing.
Well this isn't encouraging for someone who's just starting out LOL, but I haven't gotten a good sense about OLD dating either (in my limited months into it).
This other guy who worships me keeps asking for another chance. He wants me in his life anyone he can have me apparently. I hate hurting his feelings, but I don’t feel it.
Sounds like you have guys interested in you. It's just that you're not interested in them. It just happens to be the reverse with this guy. I'm sure it must be frustrating.
I cannot get close to a single guy.
I probably need therapy again to figure out how to get close to someone again.
I have not gotten excited for one single guy. I don’t go into dates with excitement or nerves anymore. Just ambivalent.
This theme seems worth exploring as you've mentioned it several times. Maybe because of your past experiences you're just a bit closed off and opening yourself up a bit to the possibilities would be helpful? I know there are really good guys out there looking for quality women such as yourself...
BL! Are you a neighbor? I was “barefoot” in the sand and it was a “wild” time! And definitely between 2 piers on the beach.
I don’t want my dating experiences to be a discouragement. It’s always been a little harder for me. For years I had no help with my D and I have majority custody. Schedules often didn’t align. Literally only in the past year has my D become comfortable with me going out at night ( with a 10pm curfew). I’ve always been in a different spot than most. I was divorced/separated at 28 with a baby! My timeline is so off everyone else’s. And of course, for years, I made un healthy decisions in partners . It’s also a different experience for men. You may get less dates than women, but if you treat a woman with respect, don’t act like a horny teenager, have a job and a personality, you will have success.
I used to have a very open heart and I could feel for guys. I don’t know if I changed, or it’s the guys I’m dating, but I think no one has seemed like a safe place yet. So I just don’t feel much. As for that one guy, it’s weird. He really doesn’t know much about me. He thinks I’m amazing because of my job and how I handle my stuff. He literally talks about himself all the time and doesnt realize it . He’s an EMT and police dispatcher. EMT’s have this weird thing going for them. They think they are some sort of super hero’s . It’s weird. I digress. But the level of the way he likes me doesn’t coincide with what he actually knows about me .
And thank you. Haven’t found the good guy with depth and comfort in their own skin to know what they want yet. Most are just discovering life after divorce. And many of those are going for the ego stroke ( like a poster on newcomers). Maybe I’ll have some luck in my 60’s? Hahaha!
And to continue: as far as OLD being dehumanizing . It absolutely can be. This was admitted by people who literally say they forget there is a human behind the profile or words in a chat on a screen. It’s easy to dispose of or disrespect or break out the weird sexual stuff pretty fast because they literally forget there is a living breathing human on the other end. On the pod cast a woman ended up meeting this guy who acted like a weirdo and not so respectful in OLD and then she met him in the wild a year later by chance and realized it was the dude she was talking to from OLD. She said he was totally different in person, he was kind and cool. And she asked him why he was an ass when they were chatting and he admitted to not treating those words or profile like their was a human on the other end.
Just like your experience Deja. And I’m sorry you are encountering what I am, but I guess I know I’m not crazy in my feelings. People are just so flakey. And I just have went numb. I felt a little twinge of excitement with the other guy because I thought it might be one of those nice slow get to know eachother builds. I like that. But it’s rare these days . He did give me very strong midlife crisis vibes, but not in a bad way. But you definitely could tell he was just exploring . Still figuring life out with an empty nest. I think if I ever get the chance to meet someone organically I’ll do much better. I always have done much better that way.
Bttfly : hugs and lots of them you are an incredible woman . Superwoman really. I know you carry a lot of weight alone on your shoulders and you carry it well, but I know it gets heavy.
I’m doing great in my recovery. I could probably go back to work, but I’m not going to! I did even workout while D was at swim, and I felt good, but I might have over done it, I’m a little sore today. But I’m ready to get super active again once I’m totally healed and really embrace some of the hobbies I want to, most of them outdoors. I’ve been cleaning out and organizing every inch of my house. My house is small with 2 closets and it presents a challenge. But these days, I’m much better at throwing nearly everything away
It’s easy to dispose of or disrespect or break out the weird sexual stuff pretty fast because they literally forget there is a living breathing human on the other end.
This is so bizarre to me. I have never said anything other then a very occasional mild innuendo in reciprocation. It really must be frustrating for women.
It’s easy to dispose of or disrespect or break out the weird sexual stuff pretty fast because they literally forget there is a living breathing human on the other end.
This is so bizarre to me. I have never said anything other then a very occasional mild innuendo in reciprocation. It really must be frustrating for women.
I think "normal" (I use that word loosely since what is "normal", right?) men like yourself, LH, really don't understand because you just would never even think to behave as inappropriately online as some other men do. Sadly, it is far more common than some men realize because there are just those weirdos who say whatever as though they are just talking to a computer and not an actual person on the other end. I can't count the number of men I blocked because they were just downright lewd and disgusting in a very short time of saying hello in chat. I can totally see why women think OLD can be disheartening.
EMT’s have this weird thing going for them. They think they are some sort of super hero’s . It’s weird. I digress.
Now this I can totally comment on as I’ve lived/worked in this space half my life. It’s often the younger ones. There’s actually a term for them - Farcols. The more mature, more experienced ones tend to lose this behavior, though especially in the volunteer and paid on call sectors there can be some really odd ducks. Remember your firefighter from years back didn’t act this way. It’s more the wanna bees that don this Personna
And to continue: as far as OLD being dehumanizing . It absolutely can be. This was admitted by people who literally say they forget there is a human behind the profile or words in a chat on a screen.
Interesting, I say it and I’m jaded and everything else. Ginger and DeJa say it and hmmmmm they may having something to consider. Telling.
I have to wonder if it’s more anything online and not just OLD. Read the comments for pretty much any social media post? Go into any chat room (although I confess it’s been double digit years since I have) or go to. BBS like this. It’s much the same. That often gets chalked up to adult children living in their moms basement. Might OLD be the same with many if these guys?
The bolting as the date gets closer is classic. This seems to happen to anyone OLD. Again it’s more about the runner. They clearly are scared to actually meet a real person one on one or not really feeling it or tied to the anonymous nature of hiding behind the keyboard. Meeting makes it real. The same happens with those who chat too long. They just want to continue hiding behind the keyboard and push off a real meeting. I know DeJa has experienced this.
I don’t have the answer. It just seems to me to all be tied to the phenomenon that is online - anything online, not just OLD.
Interesting, I say it and I’m jaded and everything else. Ginger and DeJa say it and hmmmmm they may having something to consider. Telling.
Don I think it has more to do with your extreme hatred of it. As soon as OLD goes bad for someone you jump in with the I told you sos. Is it perfect? No. Could it be better? Absolutely. Can it be dehumanizing? Apparently
It's a way to meet people outside of your social circle.
Everything in life is about expectations.
Ginger,
Your problem is not that nice guys are not attracted to you. The problem is that the guys that you are attracted to are not nice or don't see a spark in you.
Have you given any thought to whether there is a disconnect between the kind of person you are attracted to VS the kind of person you want to have a relationship with?
Ginger,
Your problem is not that nice guys are not attracted to you. The problem is that the guys that you are attracted to are not nice or don't see a spark in you.
Have you given any thought to whether there is a disconnect between the kind of person you are attracted to VS the kind of person you want to have a relationship with?
If we are talking in terms of OLD, I don’t have much to go by. I look for profiles that are humble, not self absorbed, and seems like a nice normal dude looking to for real date. I swipe left on any pictures that involve gym selfies and flexing in the mirror because it looks like they are so self absorbed. When it comes to convo, having a normal exH ache about work, life kids, hobbies, etc. that might happen for a day and then out of left field comes the sexual stuff.
I swear, don’t only date hot men who make a high 6 figure salary and feel like they will get what they ask for.
Actually, on the contrary, I’ve been told I date “below “ my league. Looks and career wise ( I don’t believe in leagues, generally, I believe in people as individuals)
Maybe this is the problem? They just go and shoot their shot ? I dunno.
I am definitely attracted to guys with drive, self confidence but not cockiness, ( I hate big egos) someone funny and and empathetic and strong yet vulnerable.
Haven’t found it yet.
As far as me, I have a confidence, not a cockiness, I don’t water myself down anymore like I used to. I used diminish the good in myself. I accept compliments now and thank people for them. I am , not as vulnerable as I used to be.
I think the biggest disconnect with the men I am attracting are where they are in life. They are maybe 1-2 years divorced. I broke my rules and dated a brand new divorced guy. He was probably the most awesome guy, but couldn’t commit to a dam date.
I have dated non married men without kids and then guys divorced for a much shorter period of time, but married way longer than I was. I feel like I haven’t been in an equal headspace with anyone. I feel disconnected I guess.
When it comes to convo, having a normal exH ache about work, life kids, hobbies, etc. that might happen for a day and then out of left field comes the sexual stuff.
This is unfortunate but the silver lining is that you can screen these guys out before you waste time on an actual date
Actually, on the contrary, I’ve been told I date “below “ my league. Looks and career wise ( I don’t believe in leagues, generally, I believe in people as individuals)
Did you feel the guys you swept right on but then found you were not attracted to, were below your league or was it just the opinion of others? If it is the former you may want have some reevaluation to do
I am definitely attracted to guys with drive, self confidence but not cockiness, ( I hate big egos) someone funny and and empathetic and strong yet vulnerable.
You may want to analyze which of these areas the guys that were interested in you but you were not attracted to, fell short. That may give you some insight on where the disconnect is.
As far as me, I have a confidence, not a cockiness, I don’t water myself down anymore like I used to. I used diminish the good in myself. I accept compliments now and thank people for them. I am , not as vulnerable as I used to be.
This is good. It is important to have confidence and not lower your standards on potential dates.
I feel like I haven’t been in an equal headspace with anyone. I feel disconnected I guess.
Unfortunately finding the right person at this age can be a challenge. Most of the good ones are taken and unavailable. In the small pool of people left that are decent human beings without any major issues, things like mutual compatibility, mutual attraction, mutual priorities, geographical location etc all have to align.
Perhaps the trick is to focus on the journey and not the destination - enjoy the dating process without overthinking it and your odds of finding 'the one' are likely to improve. DB is not the only counter intuitive thing that works in life
I feel like 99.9 % of the women I have gone out on dates with do not enjoy the journey and only look at the end game.
I actually was enjoying the journey for a small bit.
The problem women have that men really don’t is lewdness, sexual pressure, etc. that’s not fun at all. That journey actually makes you sick to your stomach. It’s not fun for us . That’s why 99.9% of us women don’t have the fun
Dating should be fun. It’s ashame it’s not for women and Don.
Sure , it should be. But men really don’t know what women go through. How it can be scary . We aren’t just out there getting wines and dined and hugged good night . I was once at bar for a meetup and there was a couple next to us. My date was given off creepy vibes and we were all talking and the woman of the couple, a stranger, exchanged numbers with me in case I needed help when she left .
That’s what it’s like out there. I’m an adult, a woman a mother and I feel like I’m having to cringe at complete inappropriateness a lot of times and it feels pretty bad.
So we may look for the end prize so we don’t have to go through that anymore
Dating should be fun. It’s ashame it’s not for women and Don.
Ha! See the thing is what you seem to be missing, and I understand you tend to miss a lot so it’s hard to keep track of it all, (that’s sarcasm BTW - well mostly anyhow) is what the women and Don really have been saying is, dating used to be fun. I know it was for me. I used to LOVE meeting new people and dating. But I also used to love going to NYC until the bat crap crazy worst Mayor in the cities history killed all the fun. Dating wasn’t always this bad. Heck OLD was not always this bad. And neither were the people participating. Something changed. Maybe it’s us/me. But dating was not always this soul sucking. It’s just gotten worse and with it the ability to keep trudging into yet another date has gotten much harder. That’s what I’m saying and pretty sure what ginger and others are saying as well.
Unfortunately finding the right person at this age can be a challenge. Most of the good ones are taken and unavailable. In the small pool of people left that are decent human beings without any major issues, things like mutual compatibility, mutual attraction, mutual priorities, geographical location etc all have to align.
Ding ding ding BRAVO WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!!!! So very well said and I’m nearly positive so very true. So often I meet someone and think, oh I’d totally date her only to find out she’s already married or in an R. On the contrary, when I meet someone in my age rage and learn she’s never been married or Dd multiple times I often before very long come away thinking, oh okay, I totally see why.
Most of the good ones are taken and unavailable.
And there's also a substantial number who are just quietly living their lives and are accepting / embracing being single.
In my rural area it's perhaps more obvious but if you go on to the OLD platforms here, you'll see the same people literally year after year. On the other hand, I can think of at least 4 bachelors in just my small village of about 500 people. Thinking it through, there's probably at least twice that number of single women.
---
Out of curiosity I pulled up the official government census data for my small village. As of 2016 there were a total of 230 "private households". Of those 85 are occupied by one person. 15 lone parent families. 20 people who listed their status as "separated", 30 "divorced" and 35 "widowed". There was also 105 as "never married" and 190 as "not married and not living common law" - but that would also include young people living with their parents I would think. So 85 people - or 19% of the population are people who have been in a relationship but no longer are. Just in my small village.
So my unscientific gut feeling is actually overwhelmed by the real data.
Of those people - and again, unscientific and based on the women I have seen on the OLD sites, I think there are 3 that have been my neighbours over the years. So a very small fraction even allowing that what I have seen is filtered for women above 45 and under 70.
Not that this is truly helpful information in finding a partner, just showing that there is undoubtedly a large pool or people out there that doesn't show up on OLD.
For me, I find OLD too "high pressure". I've got stuff to do other than look for someone. I know that many women when they reach middle age - which Ginger (sorry for the hijack!) isn't anywhere near - are just tired of taking care of others and feel a lot of relief to not have to any more. For me, being twice burned (three times if you count my marriage) makes me reluctant to put myself out there. For the bachelor who lives 2 doors down from me, he has pretty much the exact same story except that he never got married. Why take the chances if it's easier not to?
Just my 2 cents.
And there's also a substantial number who are just quietly living their lives and are accepting / embracing being single.
Oh and Andrew follows up MLC’s home run with a huge hit of his own! I could have actually should have made this point myself but I’m happy to just reinforce it. I could name off dozens that I just personally know that fit this category. There are many more than people might think. Am I slipping into this category? Perhaps I’m already there.
In my rural area it's perhaps more obvious but if you go on to the OLD platforms here, you'll see the same people literally year after year.
While I live in a place with about 8,500 people, if I drive 20 minutes in one direction I’ll hit 100K. If I go the opposite direction for the same 20 minutes, I’ll be in a population center of 600,000. And I have seen the same thing. I was just talking with someone from here but offline who made the same claim. It was amazing to see the same people over and over - over the span of years.
Andrew I’d say your research and assertions are all very accurate.
I’m afraid I do fall into middle age. And yea, my demographic is a bunch of men who are finally free of marriage and compromise and partners ( not necessarily taking care of their wives, I feel like more wives take care of their H’s TBH)
These men want to take it all and give not much because they have swung to the other extreme of being free. Many came from sexless marriages abs that’s all on their minds now. Sex and crazy sex and all the sex they can get . No one wants to make time anymore, they want someone to slide right into their available time. And with OLD and “next” culture, a lot of guys just move on when someone doesn’t fit right into their “very busy important” lives ( because mine isn’t)
This is what i, along with others I know, have been encountering
Wow - I must say, I haven't really had this experience. Maybe it's the men I pick?
Now as for this:
It was amazing to see the same people over and over - over the span of years.
I mean, I would have fit that - off and on over the course of ten years, but I was in relationships in between. The fact that those relationships didn't turn into a lifetime commitment doesn't mean that there was anything wrong with me - or even with them, usually. You wouldn't think it was odd if someone in their twenties was on and off a dating app, why is it different for us? Finding the right partner is a process and not everyone hits a home run the first time out.
As for the dating pool - I've dated since my divorce:
A handsome, smart, sexy restaurant owner - who was Love Avoidant and ended up being found by his high school sweetheart who he is still dating. We turned into a great friendship instead and I value his friendship. I credit him with helping to heal me after my divorce.
A couple sweet but inappropriately young men who are still friends.
A very handsome sexy exterminator who was Love Avoidant. I ended it pretty quickly (since I now knew what that was) but we stay friends too.
Another handsome sexy guy (I should probably go for less handsome men, these just kinda fell my way) who "didn't do relationships" who was a nice weekend "visit to the spa" as my friend called it. Stopped seeing him when I was dating others, but we also stayed in touch as friends until 3 years ago. Not sure what happened to him, hoping it wasn't something bad. No hurt feelings on my part as he was always very upfront about his Love Avoidance, which was refreshing.
Crazy ex-BF - we were together 5 years (the crazy didn't really become super visible until near the end).
CMM - still handsome but not an Adonis like some of the others - maybe that's why he's so loyal and into me? Honestly, I do NOT pick guys just for their looks (my exH was fit and had some boyish charm but not a really objectively handsome guy). I'm more impressed by brains and a sense of humor. We've been together 3 1/2 years.
Would I do OLD again? If I was interested in dating, yes. Will I be interested in dating in the future? Right now I'm doubting it - I feel a bit like I've had my fill of dating. I'm looking forward to my time being entirely my own again. I'm not going to find better sex than what I've had. I'd might be open to dating again in the future if the right person fell into my lap - someone who had their own place, their own life, who just wanted to come over on the weekends or go to concerts with me. But then, I was never really looking to remarry. I'd like a monogamous relationship but not one where we live together or share finances. Heck, if my friend who "didn't do relationships" hadn't fallen off the face of the earth, I'd be happy just to visit him for a weekend every couple of months. I think I've turned into the Love Avoidant.
Andrew - your town is TOO SMALL to be dating in. You definitely need to look outside - imagine if your last girlfriend still lived in town, how awkward that would be!
And there's also a substantial number who are just quietly living their lives and are accepting / embracing being single.
Oh and Andrew follows up MLC’s home run with a huge hit of his own! I could have actually should have made this point myself but I’m happy to just reinforce it. I could name off dozens that I just personally know that fit this category. There are many more than people might think.
Great point! In addition to those that are accepting/embracing being single, there are many others who would like to be in a relationship but are not actively searching, especially on OLD apps.
Sure , it should be. But men really don’t know what women go through. How it can be scary .
#NotAllMen
Unfortunately, it appears that there are a lot of creeps out there which is a real shame.
And yea, my demographic is a bunch of men who are finally free of marriage and compromise and partners ( not necessarily taking care of their wives, I feel like more wives take care of their H’s TBH)
In most circumstances, the people in your demographic have full lives with sufficient GAL - especially the emotionally stable guys. Once the relationship is stable and has progressed to the next level, they will make you a priority but in the early stages you will have to work to make room in their lives for you
These men want to take it all and give not much because they have swung to the other extreme of being free. Many came from sexless marriages abs that’s all on their minds now. Sex and crazy sex and all the sex they can get . No one wants to make time anymore, they want someone to slide right into their available time. And with OLD and “next” culture, a lot of guys just move on when someone doesn’t fit right into their “very busy important” lives ( because mine isn’t)
This may be true with many of the people you end up with on OLD and some in IRL too. However, for many good men this is an incorrect generalization. The reason emotionally strong men won't make time for you in because they have full lives and you are not a priority - YET. If these men can take care of their emotional needs themselves, the balance of emotional Vs physical needs they need their partner to fulfill skews towards the latter. Hence, in the initial stages their focus may very well be more on the sexual aspect of the relationship until you become a priority and are more emotionally vested in their lives. It often has nothing to do with their sexless marriages or their marriage in general. If the person is not emotionally strong then they will make you a priority sooner but you will likely not be attracted to them. You can see many examples of these sort of men right in this forum.
Perhaps this is the root of your dating problems. Think a little about whether you are expecting people to make you a priority too early in a relationship. Oh, and try to do a better job of screening out the creeps with more targeted questions in chat and before doing on a date with them
Correcting typo
doing going on a date with them
But how do you date if someone doesn’t make time for you?
I have a full life. A job and a half, a child, hobbies, a full social life. But it’s a given I’m
Not going to fit perfectly into someone’s life, and they are not going to fit perfectly into mine. So if the goals are similar: an eventual partner, doesn’t there need to to be some sort of give and take ?
I know a future partner is something I place value on cultivating and it has to start somewhere, so I want to put effort and compromise into it, no matter how busy and full my life is. I Am a very good GAL. But if there isn’t give in take, it’s just will never happen.
Sadly, the last guy I was committed to, even when we were committed, expected me to fit into his life. As if I didn’t have one. Which I really do. We all have responsibilities. Children. Jobs, houses chores,
Friends, commitments. I surely do.
I don’t expect anyone to make me a priority early on. But if someone really wAnts to date, they have to put the actual dating on the priority list. That would be a GAL activity .Don’t put me on the priority list. Put the dating there.
If a future relationship is important to them, they will do that. It’s important to me, so I make sure dating is something I can fit in which I know requires flexibility and compromise . And I choose to make that a part of my GAL because of what I truly want .
The sexual nature and intimacy is developed through emotional connection for women. And if a man doesn’t care to foster it, and just wants the sexual portion because he is too busy Gal, well, then I really don’t know what to say
Look at LH. His GF wants him to give more emotionally. but she can’t give him what he needs to to foster that connection .
I respect you very much MLCx. Very much. But I have a full life too. Just like these full lives of men in my demographic. But I’m not understanding why I will have to make room in my life for them, but they shouldn’t have to make room in their lives for me? I’m not really grasping that
Ginger,
I understand the frustration you are experiencing. I am not advocating for you to lower your standards or expect any less from the person you are dating. What I was advising was to temper your expectations on what is likely to happen. There is a subtle but important difference between expectations on what the other person will do (not in your control) and expectations on what the other person needs to do (in your control).
Once you set expectations on what the other person needs to do, vet them carefully before you invest in a relationship. Slow down the process and see if they are willing to commit emotionally before things escalate sexually. Keep your eyes open to see if they meet your expectations. Don't judge too quickly but don't invest into the relationship till you are confident they make the cut. This may mean many guys will get screened out by you or more likely they will disengage themselves but recognize that is a good thing. If you are not invested, then it should be water off your back when they ghost you. On the flip side you may feel a greater sense of rejection since you are likely to go through longer periods of time without a new relationship and the hope that it brings. Recognize that this is not a reason to despair and fall back on the GAL in your life (you have plenty, so that is not a problem) to distract you from the despair. Your quantity of dates and potential relationships will be a lot less but the quality will be likely higher. Since you are looking for a serious long term partner, you are looking to find only one good guy. If you have $100, you can buy multiple bottles of cheap wine or a couple of bottles of really good wine. If your objective is to drink just one glass of wine, you will be better off taking your chances on fewer bottles of expensive wine. Sure, you may get lucky with a cheap wine that tastes as good but the odds are you will have to sample a lot of glasses and may still not find one that is great. So recognize that playing the numbers game is not necessarily helpful given what you are looking for.
Sadly, the last guy I was committed to, even when we were committed, expected me to fit into his life.
Learn from this experience. If there is a mismatch in the effort you are putting in versus what he puts in, you will end up hurt. Make them earn room in your life just as you strive to earn room in theirs. Doesn't mean you dump them immediately but don't invest more till they match your level of investment. If you give it sufficient time and they don't measure up, move on.
You are a catch that will make some guy very happy. Keep your standards high and be patient. Know that you have a great life whether some guy is lucky enough to share it with you or not.
I won't comment on Ginger's love life directly but I will comment on DB SUCCES story MLCxH's comments.
I am not advocating for you to lower your standards or expect any less from the person you are dating. What I was advising was to temper your expectations on what is likely to happen.
I posted this to Don on another thread. IMO OLDing is great when you have zero expectations about it or from people.
There is a subtle but important difference between expectations on what the other person will do (not in your control) and expectations on what the other person needs to do (in your control).
Very subtle.
Slow down the process and see if they are willing to commit emotionally before things escalate sexually.
Yeah this is big. If I guy is really interested he will wait 5-10 dates.
Keep your eyes open to see if they meet your expectations. Don't judge too quickly but don't invest into the relationship till you are confident they make the cut.
I agree here and this is where I am stuck with the girl I am dating. Though 4 months seems like a long time. Since our time together is rare I still am not sure though things are becoming clearer.
This may mean many guys will get screened out by you or more likely they will disengage themselves but recognize that is a good thing.
Yep. Then like the dentist says "next".
If you are not invested, then it should be water off your back when they ghost you.
I couldn't agree more. DeJa is learning to not judge and invest too much in the beginning. Meeting quickly is the way to go.
On the flip side you may feel a greater sense of rejection since you are likely to go through longer periods of time without a new relationship and the hope that it brings.
This is why being happy and healthy on your own is so important.
Your quantity of dates and potential relationships will be a lot less but the quality will be likely higher.
Yeah so trying to find a quality guy on Tinder is like trying to find a stay at home mom in a strip club.
Since you are looking for a serious long term partner, you are looking to find only one good guy.
QB Josh Allen got one scholarship but he knew he only needed one college to believe in him. Now he is a millionaire.
Sadly, the last guy I was committed to, even when we were committed, expected me to fit into his life.
Learn from this experience. If there is a mismatch in the effort you are putting in versus what he puts in, you will end up hurt. Make them earn room in your life just as you strive to earn room in theirs. Doesn't mean you dump them immediately but don't invest more till they match your level of investment. If you give it sufficient time and they don't measure up, move on.
This is really great advice!
MLC- thank you for taking the time and explaining that. It absolutely all makes sense. I’m all honesty, all these dates and I wasn’t all that invested in any. I wasn’t feeling much of anything with anyone . One guy , we were literally just having fun because he was in no place to date, we always had a good time together, but 2 months and not bothering to hang out? I told him that wasn’t working for me and he said he didn’t want to end the connection. Gave him another chance. He didn’t pull through, I ended it, he still didn’t want to end it, but he also still didn’t want to put effort forth. I was done.
I luckily haven’t invested in any of them. The one guy who is into me, well, we didn’t get to see eachother much he worked like every night and when you sleep every day there isn’t much communication. I couldn’t get close to him. No idea why he felt so connected to me, but I didn’t have it for him.
I’ve weeded a lot out early on. Due to their inappropriateness . I really just need a break from it. I get it from every OLD platform. It’s making me sick to my stomach, actually. And angry. Just angry. And I think that’s why I was sad when the last guy changed his mind at the last minute about our second date. It was nice to talk to someone who was appropriate .
I need a break. The thought of dating right now makes my stomach turn. The thought of trying to engage with another guy who goes sexual on me before we meet just angers me. It’s just not rolling off my back now.
I will, however not invest with anyone early on , or over invest in someone again. I will not place high expectations on effort, but if there is none, I will just walk away. I’m going to go with my gut. I’m going to get out of my own way and my own head and keep it simple when I do decide to date again.
Just can’t do it now. I just want to put my energy where there is a fruitful return right now that makes me feel good. And that’s in myself family and friends .
Ginger1,
BL! Are you a neighbor? I was “barefoot” in the sand and it was a “wild” time! And definitely between 2 piers on the beach.
No clue on the neighbor front, but we were almost certainly “barefoot” and enjoying the same tunes this August! Small world. In fact, I've had a "wild" time nearly every Summer of my life and many of relatives worked on those piers.
I think "normal" (I use that word loosely since what is "normal", right?) men like yourself, LH, really don't understand because you just would never even think to behave as inappropriately online as some other men do. Sadly, it is far more common than some men realize because there are just those weirdos who say whatever as though they are just talking to a computer and not an actual person on the other end. I can't count the number of men I blocked because they were just downright lewd and disgusting in a very short time of saying hello in chat. I can totally see why women think OLD can be disheartening.
There's a scene in a raunchy teen comedy from two decades ago called Road Trip in which there's a super creepy random guy on the bus and the female character yells out "Are there any guys out there who are just NORMAL? Huh?" to get him to back away. Pretty funny in the scene; I'm sure not so much in real life. I guess I'm as surprise as LH at how prevalent women's experiencing in this area seems to be. Blows my mind.
I am definitely attracted to guys with drive, self confidence but not cockiness, ( I hate big egos) someone funny and and empathetic and strong yet vulnerable.
Confidence is perhaps the #1 attractive trait discussed on the dating / self help resources which Ready2Change and others have suggested on these forums.
This particular guy who seems to not be able to let go is just a situation where he talks about how amazing I am, but he doesn’t even know me. He talks mostly about himself, is oddly obsessed with the fact I have a career and I’m a nurse. But he doesn’t know ME.
This also seems to be a common theme. Women turned off by men coming on strong and falling too quickly because they feel the guy doesn't even know them that well yet. My theory is it's often just the guy just wanting to make a connection and perhaps if given more time it might develop, but seems to have the opposite effect.
Not sure I have much advice, but do appreciate you sharing on the topic...it's good to hear the female perspective on the dating front.
In response to everyone posting I will just say
LOVE is a CHOICE, and must be made by both people everyday.
I think the problem is that most people don't want to make this choice.
In response to everyone posting I will just say
LOVE is a CHOICE, and must be made by both people everyday.
I think the problem is that most people don't want to make this choice.
yup. absolutely. better be pretty compelling for me to make that choice at this point. that may change in an hour/day/month/year(s) but not today.
I don't have much to add, G, but I will just say I think you are fan-freaking-tastic and I hope you find what you deserve some day. (((G)))
Cadet, say it again louder for the people in the back! You are absolutely right.
Thank you my friend dawn. And yea, love is a choice. No one has actively chosen to love me yet. It is what it is. I hope one day makes makes the mutual choice
Honestly, this has been the first time in months that I am talking to no man and have no desire either. It’s peaceful. No one is disappointing me. No flakiness. No wondering. I am much more content this way. Do I miss intimacy! Yes! But emotional intimacy is what I miss and I haven’t found it in a long time. Everything has been so superficial. Superficial does not suit me . I need substance.
For myself, I’m looking to get back into my fitness. My knee actually feels a lot better. I have lost op discomfort but the problems I had are gone. Hopefully it stays that way. I was thinking about getting back into heavy lifting. I am strong, I enjoy it, and it would be rewarding.
I don’t want to put my energy into dating for a while. I’m open to a nice mutual relationship, but I don’t want to search for it. I want to put my energy into me. At least I appreciate it
Oh, and apparently according to my daughter, my ex wanted to hang out with me again tonight .
Already got plans
I had a fantastic 2 weeks off and I have to go back to work tomorrow and I am so dreading it. Our department is a mess, we are short staffed and everyone is so overly stressed. And going back in a Friday was probably dumb, because it’s the hardest day of the week for case managers. Even though I had surgery, I felt good really quickly and my knee feels better than it did since the injury and 1st surgery. I had a rare reoccurrence of something rare in my knee along with the meniscus and I’m praying it doesn’t grow back and stays this good. The stiffness is gone and I don’t have to limp my first 10 steps anymore after getting up. I’ve been enjoying taking the time to do things, not being rushed and always freaking out about the next thing I have to get done. I’m really going to miss that. I hate we have to live life that way.
Had our unit holiday party last night at a local restaurant ( in my town) and the police had their party in the room next door. They were awesome and have some of us rides on the cop cars to the next bar! I ended up dropping my wallet and someone returned it to the police station and when I went to pick it up, I was talking to the 2 cops. One went to school with the nurse I work with who threw the party and the other cop I actually babysat! He doesn’t remember me , but i remember him and he ran out of the house on me! My ex babysat him and his brother as well. My ex also found his mom’s lesbian sex tape ( they divorced because she was gay) this I did not bring up, lol. Man, am I old. I am actually only 6 years older than him, but still. They said whenever we were hanging I it again to call them up! One was super hot ( 12 years younger than me, the mayors son, and he has an identical twin) but too young for me.
Things have been peaceful. I enjoy not talking to any guys or pretending to try to date. The thought makes me so anxious and uncomfortable now and I wasn’t like that. I know I need some therapy. Maybe I’ll pull the trigger on it.
My major stress right now is my financial situation. I don’t know how I am going to make another 3-4 years of this. Low six figures and I can barely make it. It’s giving me a lot of anxiety. I made a decision that in January I am not spending any extra money. None. All meals will be homemade. No takeout. One night out to dinner with D. ( she chose the cheapest restaurant thankfully) no more buying my morning coffee, no buying clothes or anything enjoyable. And the worst part will be declining social invitations. It seems covid is bumping back up here, so maybe that is better. We had 4 cases when i went out on leave and now we have 27.
I have to do this. I did not want to be house poor, but I didn’t have a choice. I hate it more than anything. I haven’t vacationed since 2018. I haven’t taken D anywhere and her dad takes her on multiple vacations. I am just barely Surviving financially and I hate it. I don’t do anything nice for myself. I don’t get my hair done. I get my nails done once a month. I don’t buy fancy things. It just is what it is I guess until I move.
I never saw myself here and for this long. But it’s life I guess
I had a fantastic 2 weeks off and I have to go back to work tomorrow and I am so dreading it. Our department is a mess, we are short staffed and everyone is so overly stressed.
I keep hearing this, or similar versions, from all over. The majority of places are understaffed. Just talked with a NP from a different state a few days ago who is taking extra weekend shits as a regular RN where she can earn over a grand in a single weekend shift! I’ve heard several local nurses claiming they have been offered over $100 an hour including differential to work a shift just so the hospital can staff. What is going on? What’s the non biased reason? Is it burnout and staff has just had it? Is it recruiting or being stolen to go to other employers? Is it all the people they insisted on firing because they would not succumb to a vaccination mandate? How are so many places coast to coast in this position? There has to be a reason.
Are you able to tap into any of these reported $100/hour shifts? It’s almost like the supply chain, staffing and inflation issues that are badly hitting restaurants and clothing stores have also hit healthcare.
I totally applaud you trying to rein in any expenses you possibly can. But if you can also take advantage of any offers - signing bonuses, overtime, etc, you should consider it. Loyalty has gone out the window with employers. Employees need to do the same and take advantage of any opportunities that are out there. $100/shifts won’t be here forever.
Funny you should say that. They are so desperate they are looking for “resource nurses” basically a nurse who can go around helping in any functional capacity that they can. Inserting IV’s , foley’s, even just cleaning like a PCT at my hourly rate . One of the directors were on my unit today as I was leaving begging for help. I asked her if the RN case managers could take advantage and she said absolutely. They are even trying to find nursing students who can help.
So on Monday I’m going to look into it. It’s a lot of work,‘I’ll be exhausted, but the money and opportunity is there. I figure busting my butt working in January could be a part of my January saving spree. And it’s a good way to sharpen my bedside skills that have been out of practice.
Going back to work today it is obvious covid is a real problem again. We were supposed to go to the Christmas spectacular in NYC tomorrow but it was cancelled today. Here we go again. We had this very sad 52 year old woman who stroked out while intubated with covid and is a max assist of 2 now. Has children under 18. Husband can’t stop crying . Unvaccinated. And we also have those vaccinated getting it . Just not as severe and haven’t gotten the booster.
I’m just hoping I can bust my A and make all the money o possibly can without burning out too hard
Be careful of the burnout. My niece, the ECMO nurse, is suffering from PTSD. She's planning to go to 3/4 time for her mental health. She's been seeing a counselor for over a year because of the pandemic. She injured her wrist doing CPR for over an hour on a 26 year old who died of Covid. All the jerks out there not taking this pandemic seriously are responsible for tremendous strain on innocent health care workers. This girl never had any mental health issues, despite working ER and ICU, before treating Covid patients. And the frustration right now of knowing that most of the patients she's seeing now could have prevented this is sky high.
Be careful of the burnout.
This was one of the potential reasons I was asking about since I keep hearing about it but don’t have hard data to point to since the huge hospital system refuse to release the data. How could they not be burned out and feeling used, abused and taken advantage of? Now not from most patients but from their employers. Alcoholics have been drinking themselves to death for years. We’ve had six digit annual death rates from drug overdose. Diabetics have been refusing to follow directives with their diet and medication. Patients ignoring or at least not following medical advice has gone in forever. It’s part of the game. So that has not changed. But what has changed is how healthcare workers are treated. They hung in for nearly a year putting themselves and their family at potential risk. They stepped up. They worked overtime and did the right thing. And their reward? Their reward is to be forced to receive medical care they don’t agree with. Some have quit. We have an example if that right here with a posters former G/F. Many others were not as bold and took the vaccination against their will just to keep a job. It’s no wonder they are burned out. It’s no wonder they are resentful. They may not have overtly fought and refused but they are just as psssd off and resentful. It sure seems like staffing all across the nation is the bigger problem. Though that is being hidden.
On top of it, they were lied to or misinformed and that takes a toll. We were all told that the vaccine would return us to normal. That clearly has not happened. These people are not stupid. They know at bare minimum half the total population is vaccinated. Some stats show over 90% of the elderly population is vaccinated. Yet hospitals are still getting overran? How is that possible if this is working as advertised? It should at least be closer to half if it’s the half not vaccinated. Yet it’s not. An Ivy League school has 97% vaccination in their students yet they are closing to in person learning due to hundreds of cases. Again, how is that what we were told? We were told get vaccinated and you won’t get sick, won’t transmit the disease, won’t have to wear those useless masks. Yet here we are. We were either misinformed or lied to. Once again the experts were totally WRONG
All of this, including frustration with patients adds up to people being done with their job. So many doctors I know have buyers remorse signing their big healthcare contract. They are treated like employees now - practice medicine as we tell you, say what we tell you to say, do what we want or we will fire you, take away your income and retirement and do anything we can to not allow you to practice within 100 miles of our huge hospital.
Far more people are fed up than are speaking up. It’s again the silent majority. I’m truly scarred for healthcare. This is what socialized medicine brings you. A one size fits all that serves very few and harms those who already had good healthcare. Let’s all be miserable together.
So I feel bad for todays care providers. I can’t imagine going into this profession now today knowing what I know. Burnout is just at the tip as the population ages and needs more care. $100/hour for a two year degree person. That right there speaks volumes. But Ginger I’d take advantage of it. If you can’t beat um join um.
She injured her wrist doing CPR for over an hour on a 26 year old who died of Covid.
You’ve regaled stories about this niece in the past. Dang she has the worst luck. But to the specifics if this happened it’s way outside best practices and moving towards malpractice. No one can do quality CPR for an hour. I’m not sure a well conditioned body builder could. That’s why the person doing compressions should be swapped out every 5 to 10 minutes at the max. CPR is a HUGE workout when properly performed. The rate and depth of compressions simply can’t be sustained at quality benchmarks for an hour by the same person. Much less by an average 26 year old female on top of it. If there was no one else to do compressions that speaks again to my earlier point - lack of staff. Why is a compression machine not being used? Not good healthcare going on here if this happened.
My original questions still stand: why the lack of staff? Why the same levels of hospitalized when no less than half the population are vaccinated? Why are the vaccines not working as advertised? Why have more people died after a vaccine than before we had one? Why are we still not treating patients better than we were when this started?
I don’t have ice time, but I can answer the short version
1) the pandemic gave nurses PTSD. A lot left the profession. And to add to it, when you get the anti-maskers, conspiry theorists, anti-vaxxers, etc having covid and almost dying treating the staff like crap as they risk their lives to save their lives, you get some serious compassion burnout. Pre vaccine, it was a literal life risk. And there were still the abusive patients. But to have these patients abuse you while you are literally risking your life to take care of them is really damaging.
2) then comes in administration. Less staff, more risk, more burnout, still expecting staff to keep the pace and the patient satisfaction scores up, and it’s near impossible to do. Unsafe patient assignments for the patients. Which leads to more angry family members and patients. Everyone is just ANGRY and ABUSIVE and DEMANDING. The bonuses aren’t all that great. People are burnt to the hilt .I’m my 16 years of nursing I haven’t seen such unappreciative abusive patients and families and the lack of of support on the administrative end.
3) no one does an hour of Chest compressions. I have done alot in my time and I can do 2 min effective chest compressions and I’m huffing and puffing. And I was young and I’m good shape. Our biggest strongest guys get like 5 min before they have to switch.
On covid patients we have they do not code that long because it is almost always futile. They didn’t even do CPR on them in the beginning. The docs were allowed to make the call not to if it was futile and it would put the staff at risk they wouldn’t do it.
The healthcare field is certainly a mess. And it’s scary. I am just thinking about going back for these small extra hours, but I am already kind of burnt out, but I need the money. I was hoping to make some extra money not in the healthcare field, but it’s hard to match the money.
I am fortunate to work for a hospital system that does its best to support its staff. But it’s just not enough.
Of course she didn’t do cpr nonstop for an hour on her own - but she was part of the team that did so and did so much in that hour that she injured herself.
IF everybody got vaccinated and wore their masks her workload would be 1/3 of what it is. It’s hard to maintain compassion for the unvaccinated who are causing her to continue to work this hard. It was one thing last year when it was a war that everyone was fighting. It’s another thing now when 90% of Covid ICU cases could have been prevented with a simple vaccine.
IF everybody got vaccinated and wore their masks her workload would be 1/3 of what it is.
If you honestly believe this you simply are not paying attention to what’s going on. We’ve tried this. It clearly does not work. We’ve got vac rates of between 50 to 70% and around 90% with elderly at risk populations and vaccinated people are still contracting and spreading Covid. The college example I listed. Professional sports have extremely high vac rates in the high nineties yet still have positive cases so much a few have cancelled games for lack of players. The thing the vaccinations have done is reduce deaths and severity of illness. That seems very clear. They work for that - well at least for about 6 months. Yet They are not stopping the spread. If they were, 70% vaccinated would be resulting in a marked reduction and its not. Some areas are reporting case numbers higher now WITH A VACCINATION than WITHOUT ONE! Sadly it’s not. Increasing 30% vaccination rates is not going to result in a 66% hospitalization reduction.
Ginger I GREATLY appreciate your first hand perspective. It mirrors what others in healthcare are telling me. Although I had not heard sick patients were treating staff poorly. I’ve heard remorse and regret but not abuse. I’m not surprised at making vented patients no codes and found it odd that CPR would even be attempted in these patients but had no intel to back up my hunch.
Thankfully it appears more and more people are finally starting to say what some of us have said for 18 months now. It’s crazy to think we can stop an airborne virus. All we’ve done is taken a bad situation and compounded with depression, financial devastation, worse care and now damadge to and loss of healthcare workers. This whole response has been a huge fail on so many levels and the proof is it’s still happening nearly as it was 18 months ago even after all of these failed ideas. Just can’t blame Trump for it all anymore though I’m sure some will still try. Hopefully the seemingly much less destructive omicron virus will get us to the robust natural immunity we so desperately need. Sadly history is only repeating itself. We made the same mistakes with HIV, with drug overdose and others - including blaming the patients. We’ve got to stop doing the same failed things and expecting better results.
I will say again I feel really bad for todays healthcare providers. Sadly it’s going to be future patients who really pay the price. Heart attacks still happen. Strokes still happen. Trauma still happens. Who will take care of these patients. It’s the same with law enforcement and we see how that is turning out - mass looting and all. See I guess it could be worse, instead of a nurse you could be a cop!
In the end, like most things, all we can control is us. We can tell the diabetic to take their insulin or the CHF patient to take their lasix. But in the end the choice is theirs. As long as we do our best, that’s all that we can do. This is not going to change. People have free choice - even if their choices would not be ours.
I wonder why the US has had so many COVID deaths even though we are a developed country with advanced healthcare? I wonder why other countries in the world that followed scientific measures such as vaccination, mask mandates and contact tracing were able to limit the spread, number of deaths and severe cases? I wonder why someone as smart as Mr. Donald Trump would take multiple doses of the vaccine if there were genuine concerns, especially since he also has natural immunity from having been infected with COVID?
Just a little update from the inside.
Unvaccinated: very sick
Vaccinated, but not bolstered . Sick, but do well with treatment when hospitalized.
Talking to a doc today. An anti-vaxxed comes to the hospital with covid pneumonia. The treatment is remdesivir for 5 days and steroids He says “ no way are you giving me remdesivir “ doc says, “if you don’t wNt the treatment, you can go home now. There is nothing else we can do “. Gives in and takes the remdesivir . It’s just a bunch of idiots out there who make zero sense. Another one was a whole
Unvaccinated s family who is a caregiver for their mom who had a stroke a few years ago. She’s in her 60’s. Son brought it home, she got super sick, intubated and then luckily extubated but can’t get off high flow and is really sick. She will likely die
Still totally short staffed. The nurses are so burnt out. I help
Out where I can with the bedside nurses.
As far as my non-existent love life, I had 2 past people come out of the woodwork . One was the guy who treated me poorly that I ended it with. He apparently os very apologetic and wants me to give him another chance. I was very blunt with him and told him exactly why I ended it. He says he can “ do better” . But I don’t feel safe with him.
The other guy who really likes me keeps reaching out to me. I’m just not interested. He’s all talk, no action.
Is it lonely? Yes. But I just can’t deal. It will be a while until I get there. But I think I’m just meant to be single. I’m making peace with it. It’s just a different time. And I didn’t have too much luck when I was younger . It’s just going to get harder now that im older. And I can handle it. I will just keep looking towards the future. 3.5 years, and im moving . And I cannot wait .
Happy holidays everyone
Study in Mass. showed currently the unvaccinated are 31 times more likely to get Covid than the vaxxed and boosted. My youngest son got his booster today - I’m really happy because he works in a restaurant.
Don’t waste your time on the guy who treated you badly - he’s already shown you who he is. And if you’re planning to move in 3 1/2 years - why not just consider any current dating as fun only? I hope Mr Right awaits you in your future dream town.
Thank you so much again for the info from the inside. Are these really sick patients infected with Delta Or omicron or unknown? Because all I’m heading is omicron spreads like crazy but has very very few deaths and symptoms are very mild like a cold. Many don’t know they even have it. I can’t keep track of the number of fully vaccinated and boosted patients I personally already know that have been infected. None get very sick but especially with omicron the vaccines are near useless in preventing infection. All still seem to be effective and keeping severity low. They just lose efficiency within months and totally Peter out in about six month.
As for” It’s just a bunch of idiots out there who make zero sense.” There’s nothing new here. It’s just way more of them. But what can we expect. People don’t know what to think anymore. So many say something different. Fauchi changes his statements more than some change their underwear. People get silenced and fired. It’s lunacy. And it leads people not to trust anyone anymore. Heck I’ve got 30 years of experience, am a total critical thinker, am well connected and I’m not sure what to think anymore on some things. This has all been handled so badly. You can’t tell people “get vaccinated and you can’t get Covid” or “can’t spread it” then it’s clear both those statements care false. People see they are false yet some still say it and never do we heard”we were wrong or we gave you incorrect information”. Then Twitter and YouTube and Facebook sensor or remove things - it makes it seem like we’ve turned into a Russia and people then dont trust anything they are told.
They are now calling back fired workers in my state. They quietly changed their status from terminated to suspended and then to to inactive and now are calling them back saying we want you to return and dropping the vaccine mandates. Part of our hospital backup is not lack of hospital beds but nursing home beds. We’ve gone from 27,000 nursing home beds to under 25,000 over the last months. So it’s been claimed 600 people currently sitting in our hospitals are awaiting nursing home transfer.
What a damn mess all the way around. Now the WHO or at least a high level WHO official claims all these vaccinations are causing the mutations and will continue to do so with mass world vac. It’s science based and grounded as the virus mutates to survive. This is clearly known - but above my pay grade so I’m not agreeing or disagreeing with it. I’m just hoping omicron infects zillions but only with mild symptoms and gets us the natural immunity we desperately need. I’ve heard that more and more as well.
Again just a total mismanaged mess with government trying to force things down the peoples throat. I’ll bet my last dollar if they dropped the mandates and said do what you feel is best and gave honest consistent info including saying we don’t know or we are not sure there would be a rush to get vaccinated. Tell people they can’t have something and they will do anything they can to get it. Tell them they must get it and they will fight not too.
As for the guys… I’m not sure what to say. Trust your gut is the best I’ve got. Just remember it didn’t work the first time for a reason. It’s not likely to be different. And if you don’t feel safe or don’t trust a guy don’t let him in. I fear they are just hoping to get some more action - at least the one guy is. Keep you standards up and follow your gut.
echoing Don ... tell Mr. "I can do better" to go do better with someone else. Remember, it's that wonderful time of the year. How many exh's or exw's show up during the holidays only to retreat again. You're Worth More.
As for the guy you aren't interested in. Block him.
Someone is out there, just not these two.
I think it definitely has to do with the holidays. People get lonely, reach out to something familiar. I’m not about that anymore. It was like 3 weeks with that guy and it was too tumultuous . Not for me. Need peace in life. And yes! 3.5 years I’m out of here and I really don’t want anything derailing those plans. Only for absolutely amazing am I willing to derails those plans. I am just so excited to be getting out of here eventually, not being house poor and living my life and enjoying some travel hopefully
Dating for fun. Currently not fun to me right now. But it might become fun to me again. Right now, I’m having more fun totally single. More time to take care of myself . Going out with work friends. I’m enjoying it.
absolutely keep your eyes on the prize. 3.5 years will fly by.
The unvaccinated are 31 times more likely to get the virus than the vaccinated and boosted according to a recent study out of Massachusett. It’s mild in vaccinated people but can still be deadly in the vaccinated. (And the first US Omicron death was in an unvaxxed man who had had Covid previously, so don’t rely on your previous infection - still get vaccinated). ICUs are still full of unvaccinated Covid cases. And the virus mutates the more people it infects, not because of the vaccines. Stopping the spread by universal mask wearing, social distancing and vaccination is the way forward.
For those who want real information and actual facts, I recommend the blog Your Local Epidemiologist. Published by an epidemiologist at the University of Texas who also has a Masters in Public Health, she posts very timely, well researched updates with all the references.
It was like 3 weeks with that guy and it was too tumultuous . Not for me. Need peace in life.
How can things get or be so tumultuous in only 3 weeks? That’s a huge red flag for me - for the guys you are picking. At least he didn’t try to put on an act and showed you who he was right away but that tells be he was showing you this from the get go. Something tells me you are picking the wrong guys. But then again using OLD the majority are the wrong guys - land of misfit toys - so there is that. This has shades of CW to it (tumultuous in the early stages). Of course credit for seeing it and stopping it. Next step - avoid it before it happens. These guys who are so bad out if the gate shouid never get into the arena.
Stopping the spread by universal mask wearing, social distancing and vaccination is the way forward.
If you are seriously placing a vaccine on the same parr as a useless mask (not including N95 properly warn and fit tested) you’re credibility is plummeting. The highest rates of infection are nearly all within areas that already have mask mandates and require proof of vaccination to enter. Yet they are in the top 10 of most infected cities. Natural immunity is at the very least as good as these partly failed vaccines. Early treatment also needs serious improvement. “Quarantine at home and go to the hospital if you get really sick” is hardly quality healthcare. In the end the sooner we stop the insanity and come to grips that we will be living with Covid for a long long time, the better we will be. The only thing worse than living in fear and missing out on life for 2 years is living in fear and missing out on life for 2 years and a day. STOP THE INSANITY.
If you are seriously placing a vaccine on the same parr as a useless mask (not including N95 properly warn and fit tested) you’re credibility is plummeting.
Your credibility plummeted when you had three spelling mistakes in one sentence.
Your credibility plummeted when you had three spelling mistakes in one sentence.
That’s the best you’ve got huh? And on top of it I’m typing on a phone.
Meanwhile back in reality
The unvaccinated are 31 times more likely to get the virus than the vaccinated and boosted according to a recent study out of Massachusett.
Minnesota is one of I think only 13 states actually tracking and releasing breakthrough case data. In the last 13 weeks they report 234,943 total cases. 101,746 of them were reported to have been vaccinated. I’m not certain how they define that - especially since the definition of fully vaccinated is changing. What else is new. The stats are publicly available on their website. Regardless, that’s hardly even remotely close to a 31 times difference. Once again studies and statements from the “experts” not holding up to real world experience.
Let’s play nice now.
My state had the highway day in record yesterday. There are no mask mandates outside of the hospital but majority are wearing, including me. Triple vaxxed. Masks help prevent spread of infection and viruses. We know this. This isn’t new. Will it prevent everything? No. Do they help? Yes.
Fortunately vaxxed people are getting it and getting over it
For the most part. Like a crappy flu. Invaded aren't so fortunate.
Anyways. As far is me picking the wrong guys? The only other guy I ever picked that was like this was my ex husband, lol. It was only 3 weeks, I was feeling him out. It wasn’t “tumultuous” but it was for the most part not pleasant for me, but apparently it was for him.
My picker isn’t off. I don’t know how any of these guys are until they show me. He showed me , I believed what I saw and that was it. Now, my ditcher used to be very broken. But it’s nearly repaired. He will not be having a place in my life .
That’s the best you’ve got huh? And on top of it I’m typing on a phone.
Tongue in cheek DonnyH, but didn't really need to have a crack at kml though either.
Re the COVID, the people making decisions are just that, people. They are going to get some things right and some things wrong. There hasn't been a pandemic on this scale since the early 1900s so everyone is kinda riding blind. There is just so much criticism out there, I truly think that if the criticism stopped and cooperated instead things would be better. I am in Australia and we've had a much easier COVID ride than the US. Admittedly, geographically we are at an advantage, but besides that we have done nothing more than lockdown where necessary, mask up and get vaccinated (which came a lot later than other countries due to lack of supply, yet now are 90%+). What are the other options?
I don’t know how any of these guys are until they show me. He showed me , I believed what I saw and that was it. Now, my ditcher used to be very broken. But it’s nearly repaired. He will not be having a place in my life .
Know when to hold em, know when to fold em. Great stuff Ginger, sounds like you're in a better place than a few weeks back.
Masks protect others quite well from your spray. Mask protection to yourself is less although a good fitting N95 or even KN94 goes a long way towards reducing your exposure. If everyone wore masks properly the rate of spread would slow considerably and studies have confirmed this. If everyone was vaxxed AND wore masks AND socially distanced we could get the pandemic way down.
A good study showed pediatric cases in counties that enforced school mask mandates were less than half as much as in counties without school mask mandates.
Wearing a mask is an act of civic responsibility to protect those around you. I just don’t get the selfishness of those who won’t do so.
Please Don, follow Your Local Epidemiologist for some real science.
Welp. I went to a Christmas party hosted by one of our partners on Wednesday. Got the call today my coworker has Covid. The one i was sitting next to and hugged, lll.
I’m fine though. No symptoms here. Half the people I know have gotten it. It’s inevitable I’ll get it .
3 people I was hosting tomorrow can’t make it because one is pretty sick. So just me , my dad and his wife. And lots of food, lol.
Little bit sad this Christmas, the singledom always smacks me in the face this time of year. But I’m used to it.
Merry Christmas everyone
Masks protect others quite well from your spray. Mask protection to yourself is less although a good fitting N95 or even KN94 goes a long way towards reducing your exposure. If everyone wore masks properly the rate of spread would slow considerably and studies have confirmed this. If everyone was vaxxed AND wore masks AND socially distanced we could get the pandemic way down.
It’s so simple and yet there are so many who don’t understand how masks work. Or perhaps they choose not to understand since it does not fit their agenda.
In the end the sooner we stop the insanity and come to grips that we will be living with Covid for a long long time, the better we will be. The only thing worse than living in fear and missing out on life for 2 years is living in fear and missing out on life for 2 years and a day. STOP THE INSANITY.
Yes, we need to stop the insanity. Universal masking and vaccinations are our best tools to get life back to normal. Travel to a country that is implementing these measures well and you will see how normal life can be as long as everyone follows these common sense measures.
Ginger1,
Little bit sad this Christmas, the singledom always smacks me in the face this time of year. But I’m used to it.
I understand. Hang in there. Enjoy Christmas with your dad!
Ginger1,
Little bit sad this Christmas, the singledom always smacks me in the face this time of year. But I’m used to it.
I understand. Hang in there. Enjoy Christmas with your dad!
Truth be told, the hole I feel at Christmas without a partner is the lack of family that comes with one. I love kids and I always dreamed of a Christmas with them running around, and just all the family that comes with it, full house, celebrations. Oh well.
I will enjoy with the my dad and his wife. D loves her round one gifts, lol. She made a tik tok about how she loves her parents are divorced at Christmas because of all the presents , lol.
BL enjoy your holiday as well
Ginger, I had three friends and one new acquaintance over for a Christmas Eve dinner and it was lovely having a full house and good cheer. I wonder if your hole must be filled by legal family or could be filled by other forms of companionship? Hallmark movies set so many expectations but I think it’s a win if you’re smiling, in good company, sharing traditions. I hope the rest of your day is wonderful. Sending lots of care and cheer your way!
It sounds like you had a great time with your single
Friends ! I don’t really have any and the ones I do, have older kids with kids and do the family thing. I do have other forms of companionship, I am fortunate to have a pretty solid friend base.
I am pretty sure I have the vid’ . Mild, for sure, but achy and congested . Hopefully it comes and goes. Honestly, almost every household I know right know has Atleast one positive person right now. My D’s 8 year old cousin has it and so do many others. It’s ripping through Nj here. The good news is it’s not bad at all if you are young or vaccinated. I hope I am positive and can just get it over with.
It’s definitely the gift that keeps on giving
the people making decisions are just that, people. They are going to get some things right and some things wrong.
EXACTLY. I could not agree more. Unfortunately that’s not how they act, what they say, or what they do. They claim what they spout is gospel. They are right, they are science and anyone dare disagree…. If anyone tries to challange what they claim, they are silenced. Heck social media has banned people from making statements they deem false even though six months later they are proved 100% true and what the expert says was false. They shouid be admitting when they are wrong. Yet they never do - or rarely. Just look at what’s happened in nearly two years and how wrong they have been. But it’s not all about right or wrong it’s the cost of them being wrong. The cost to life, the cost to mental health, the cost to the economy. And this is why many won’t listen to them anymore. You can’t claim you have the answer and then defend that by silencing anyone who opposes you. And that’s what’s been happening.
Welp. I went to a Christmas party hosted by one of our partners on Wednesday. Got the call today my coworker has Covid. The one i was sitting next to and hugged, lll.
Ugh. Well maybe you won’t get it. Still too soon to know. I just got off the phone with my stepdaughter. Her and her fully vaccinated husband along with their kids have tested positive. Of course the kids 6 & 3 are totally fine. The vaccinated adults both feel pretty cruddy. Again, “get vaccinated and you can’t get Covid.” Just ask Biden and the experts. I know, I know and I agree, they likely will get through it easier and unlikely to be hospitalized. My point is the excerpts were again wrong. It’s an airborne virus. We will never defeat it and already have driven ourselves crazy trying to prevent it. It’s time to live life again with it and leave the universe to God.
Wearing a mask is an act of civic responsibility to protect those around you. I just don’t get the selfishness of those who won’t do so.
And there it is - otherwise known as virtue signaling - or theater. Like the TSA theater to make us FEEL SAFE. All about the feelings. Even the mask people are now starting to admit the home made cloth masks or those worn below the nose, constantly touched and removed and replaced are useless. They are now switching to promoting N95 or real masks. Of course they also need proper fit testing. If they did anything of significance the latest case counts would not be the highest in the cities with mask mandates now would they.
Government screws up pretty much anything they put their hands on. Expecting our government to do things we should do for ourselves is our own fault. We are all responsible for our own health and safety. If I think it’s not safe to go to a restaurant or a party I don’t need the government to tell me much less mandate it to me. I’ll handle my own safety, thank you. Anyone who thinks it’s not safe to be around me are free to stay clear.
As for Christmas, you just never know. I thought this year would be pretty bad because even though I did not discuss it much here my father died a few months ago. And no, he never got Covid - although the last 15 months of his life were very negatively impacted by it. Time and missed life events he will never get back nor have the opportunity to experience on this earth. But it’s been really good so far. Heading to my moms shortly. That may be the real test as they were married 62 years. Have to make the most of it and live your life. Can’t hide from danger or potential danger and live a full life. At least I’ve not figured out how to.
Ginger, you had said it was tumultuous. I just took that at face value. I’ve used the wrong words myself in the haste of posting so I get it. If he was just another ROTM OLD butthead, you can’t always find that out ahead of time. They are all over the place. It’s about as hard to avoid an OLD misfit as it is to avoid Covid. We are all going to meet one or contract it at some point. Your family may be small but you have a pretty amazing daughter and some great friends.
Merry Christmas!!!!
Good news is I feel fine today. I think maybe I was just kind of worn out.
My dad and stepmom and leaving soon and I hate to say I am ready. I do love them. But man, they just go on judging everyone in the family and get a little too high on their horses sometimes and I’m kind of tired of listening to it. They have a hard time looking at how someone else’s circumstances are different then theirs. It gets exhausting.
Holidays are tough, for real. I’m happy for them to be over. D loves it and that’s all that matters.
Cleaning and food prepping today. I feel gross with all the bad foods and booze. I’m ready to cleanse
Somehow, I have an image in my mind, post pandemic, of you and your daughter going to Paris for Xmas! Wouldn’t that be nice????
Somehow, I have an image in my mind, post pandemic, of you and your daughter going to Paris for Xmas! Wouldn’t that be nice????
That made me smile . We have been talking for years about going to Paris for her sweet 16. We are less than 2 years away. I’m afraid I won’t have the money, but I sure will try to save. I hope she does become my travel buddy one day.
I started having symptoms and could t go to work and had to get an outside test done because our hospital is blowing up and OMS can’t even lick up the phone. I was negative on my rapid and I feel fine now , I think it was body actually fighting it off. But because things are so bad, I can’t get back to work in person because OMS is backlogged on clearing people. Go figure. So I worked from home today, covered my unit, and got a lot done. Everything is pretty much a mess here, hospital at capacity, we even went on divert which we never do. Good new is even we are getting pandemic pay until 1/15 which is $5 more an hour. I’ll take it. I’ll take whatever I can get.
Tonight I finally had to take up my ex’s offer to come o we for a game night. I had no out, D really wanted me to come. So I did. We ordered Chinese food. Ex showed me his new “man cave “ which of course included the bar I got him for a wedding gift. For about a half hour just him and I had a beer and played ping pong. Then we all played rummy, then we played Mario kart, then I left to go to my home.
I feel very confused every time I do this. I go and I have a good time. Is it weird seeing pictures of all of them and hearing them call eachother “hun”? Yes. But I am fine when I am there basically. Everyone laughs and has a good time. I do see how he jabs at her every chance he gets like he used to do to me. I don’t miss that. Leaving my daughter behind is weird .how can these people damn near destroy me, not care what they did to me, but still enjoy my company? None of it makes sense
I feel like I am betraying myself. Like I should hate them for what they did to me. Like I shouldn’t even be able to tolerate them. But I mostly don’t even care anymore. It doesn’t make me feel strong and like some amazing person that I hang out with them. It makes me feel like I am a doormat. Like showing you can damn near kill me, but I will still be kind. What kind of person does that? A weak one.
But I just don’t care anymore. I think a part of me died. I have also becoming a pro at compartmentalizing. Or I’m numb.
My daughter is happy, can see us all get along. I guess that’s all that matters. But it’s really a mixed bag of emotions for me every time I do it.
I just feel like it’s my turn for my own little bit of happiness with another person
Working from home again tomorrow and off Friday. I’m supposed to work Saturday, and I better be because that’s time and a half. New Year’s Eve D got invited to a party but doesn’t want to go, and is going to spend it with me. We are going to hibachi. She will probably change her mind last minute, but that’s fine. I’ll relax with some wine and a good book .
It makes me feel like I am a doormat. Like showing you can damn near kill me, but I will still be kind. What kind of person does that? A weak one.
Actually - a really strong one. Stronger than me.
Ginger1,
That made me smile . We have been talking for years about going to Paris for her sweet 16. We are less than 2 years away. I’m afraid I won’t have the money, but I sure will try to save. I hope she does become my travel buddy one day.
Make it happen! Regardless of the finances. That trip would surely be an experience the two of you would remember for the rest of your lives.
Tonight I finally had to take up my ex’s offer to come o we for a game night. I had no out, D really wanted me to come. So I did.
Ex showed me his new “man cave “ which of course included the bar I got him for a wedding gift.
Funny, ExW got me a bar for a present as well. Even though it was a very thoughtful and generous gift it actually made me question things a little early on because I knew she was in debt and couldn't really afford it. I ended up selling it post-D for a decent amount of cash...figured if she got to keep the engagement ring after ending the marriage I could profit from the bar.
then we played Mario kart
S6 and my dad (
not the video game type) have been bonding over Mario Kart since ExW left. Pretty cool to see.
I do see how he jabs at her every chance he gets like he used to do to me. I don’t miss that.
Interesting observation. Not your monkey / not your circus anymore, but I'd wonder how she feels about it.
Leaving my daughter behind is weird .how can these people damn near destroy me, not care what they did to me, but still enjoy my company? None of it makes sense
Agreed. Bizarro world.
I feel like I am betraying myself. ...It makes me feel like I am a doormat. Like showing you can damn near kill me, but I will still be kind. What kind of person does that? A weak one.
But I just don’t care anymore. I think a part of me died.
My daughter is happy, can see us all get along. I guess that’s all that matters. But it’s really a mixed bag of emotions for me every time I do it.
I think it's great you're willing to do things to make your daughter happy, but you do a lot for her...doesn't mean you have to do this. Granted you're a lot farther along than I am, but I can't imagine going over to ExW's place to socialize with her, OM2 & the kids. It seems like it (understandably) causes you spin. It's good you don't fight and are amicable with your ExH, but it's also OK to let her know you'd prefer not to be besties with him and OW.
Not that ExW would even invite me. As an aside...I wonder if there's a difference between men and women in this regard? Seems like on here the WAH/WHs are more likely to come back to the relationship or at the very least want to continue to be friends/socialize with the LBS than the WAW/WWs. Just an observation.
I just feel like it’s my turn for my own little bit of happiness with another person
Definitely!
Working from home again tomorrow and off Friday. I’m supposed to work Saturday, and I better be because that’s time and a half. New Year’s Eve D got invited to a party but doesn’t want to go, and is going to spend it with me. We are going to hibachi.
Kampai!
Somehow, I have an image in my mind, post pandemic, of you and your daughter going to Paris for Xmas! Wouldn’t that be nice????
That made me smile . We have been talking for years about going to Paris for her sweet 16. We are less than 2 years away. I’m afraid I won’t have the money, but I sure will try to save. I hope she does become my travel buddy one day.
I started having symptoms and could t go to work and had to get an outside test done because our hospital is blowing up and OMS can’t even lick up the phone. I was negative on my rapid and I feel fine now , I think it was body actually fighting it off. But because things are so bad, I can’t get back to work in person because OMS is backlogged on clearing people. Go figure. So I worked from home today, covered my unit, and got a lot done. Everything is pretty much a mess here, hospital at capacity, we even went on divert which we never do. Good new is even we are getting pandemic pay until 1/15 which is $5 more an hour. I’ll take it. I’ll take whatever I can get.
Tonight I finally had to take up my ex’s offer to come o we for a game night. I had no out, D really wanted me to come. So I did. We ordered Chinese food. Ex showed me his new “man cave “ which of course included the bar I got him for a wedding gift. For about a half hour just him and I had a beer and played ping pong. Then we all played rummy, then we played Mario kart, then I left to go to my home.
I feel very confused every time I do this. I go and I have a good time. Is it weird seeing pictures of all of them and hearing them call eachother “hun”? Yes. But I am fine when I am there basically. Everyone laughs and has a good time. I do see how he jabs at her every chance he gets like he used to do to me. I don’t miss that. Leaving my daughter behind is weird .how can these people damn near destroy me, not care what they did to me, but still enjoy my company? None of it makes sense
I feel like I am betraying myself. Like I should hate them for what they did to me. Like I shouldn’t even be able to tolerate them. But I mostly don’t even care anymore. It doesn’t make me feel strong and like some amazing person that I hang out with them. It makes me feel like I am a doormat. Like showing you can damn near kill me, but I will still be kind. What kind of person does that? A weak one.
But I just don’t care anymore. I think a part of me died. I have also becoming a pro at compartmentalizing. Or I’m numb.
My daughter is happy, can see us all get along. I guess that’s all that matters. But it’s really a mixed bag of emotions for me every time I do it.
I just feel like it’s my turn for my own little bit of happiness with another person
Working from home again tomorrow and off Friday. I’m supposed to work Saturday, and I better be because that’s time and a half. New Year’s Eve D got invited to a party but doesn’t want to go, and is going to spend it with me. We are going to hibachi. She will probably change her mind last minute, but that’s fine. I’ll relax with some wine and a good book .
Man i read this last night and wrestled with it all night. Does it make you weak or strong? I can’t decide lol. Personally I don’t think I could ever get there without an apology. But it has been 13 years so who knows how I will feel in ten years. I can not imagine a scenario where I would find that entertaining. I tend to side with the concept that people who treat you badly get bounced from your life permanently. As the saying goes “time heals all wounds” so maybe this is all part of the process.
Thanks. I often do have to check in with myself and figure out how far I’m coming out of my own comfort zone in order to keep the peace and a good relationship. It does make me spin why I can be OK and comfortable hanging out with them. Something must be wrong with me.
Mario kart has been so much fun! D 14 and I have been playing since she got it. I also took off half of my thumb last night trying to take this thing off her controller. D couldn’t do, ex couldn’t do it, so I tried and I got it off along with half my thumb. I was bleeding all over at their house, lol. Took one for the team.
Writing off people is easy when you don’t have to raise a child from scratch with them. If it was up to me, I would have never looked and spoken to him again and for my sake at that point in my life, I wish he left the both of us. But he only left me, which of course was best for D, but it was not best for me. So when you have to raise a child with 2 other people from infant hood , you can’t write them off. And you do need a good, civil, almost friendly relationship. It’s optimal when you are doing things that long. If she was 10 when this all went down? I probably would have been able to “write them off” in a way.
Everything that happened the way it did was probably the worst for me, but the best for my D. D and I were talking and she said her parents being divorced is all she has ever known and it really doesn’t affect her that much. It’s the only way she has known how to live. She said if this happened when she was 8, it would have been very difficult for her. For me, I’ve been on the struggle bus since the day he left. Parenting a baby alone and working full time with no family help, switching jobs a million times because I had no help, watching my ex and his wife be a family , take my daughter on vacations, marry, stay together since day 1. Never remarrying for many reasons. Everything was harder on me, but easier on my kid with the early on divorce. And that’s all I could want.
I admit, I am so ready for me time in this portion of my life. I’m so ready to make some life decisions based on what’s best for me. Like moving , career, etc. it’s all for my daughter now, but will absolutely be for me when she graduates.
I need this so so bad .
My BFs kids are in their 20s now and their parents split when they were both under 4. I talked to them both once and they both said that it’s all they have known so it felt normal. They said the only thing they cared about was knowing where they were going to be on a given day.
I read that a lot on OLD apps about it being me time. I use to think it sounded selfish but I know now that it’s not at all. It’s women who have sacrificed for their children and are ready to enjoy the rest of their lives on their terms.
It’s a journey for sure with twists and turns along the way.
Yeah, “me time” these women are speaking of isn’t necessarily girls gone wild, MLC, screw everyone. For me, anyways, it means making decisions regarding my own life where I consider myself as a priority. Making choices that are good for ME and not everyone else, all the time
Ginger,
Please either start a new thread or continue on with your other thread that has approximately 42 postings on it. Whatever you decide, please link your threads together.
Thanks! Happy New Year to you and your daughter!
New Thread:
Another year in the life of