Still a work in progress but I think after this thread that there'll be a shift towards growth and expansion rather than recovery.
Old Thread
Rebuilding and renewal - 7
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2923750#Post2923750
Yes - growth and expansion! I like that! (Unless it's due to too much Halloween candy lol) (Says the woman who brought a baggie of candy corn to work today lol)
I'm not terribly fond of candy corn by itself, but candy corn and salted peanuts together tastes very much like a Payday candy bar and those are yummy.
Some sad news today. My son asked if he could call me today - "of course". He pretty much never wants to talk on the phone unless it's urgent or complicated. One of "the girls" is ill and probably won't last long. She has fluid buildup in her lungs which could have a number of causes. The vet said either a heart condition or cancer.
This is going to be tough on him - these cats mean a lot to him - and to me. Surprisingly it was the dominant, healthier cat that is ill. He knows, even though I also told him, that he's been a good cat Dad and even though the girls are reasonably young, they are at least late-middle-aged for a cat and with a lineage of feral cats, it's really a coin-toss on how long they would last. I believe they are 11 or 12.
We're having brunch on Sunday as usual but in his town so I can have a visit which I am grateful for him making a point of thinking of.
He's going to make sure that she is comfortable and will support her for as long as she has a decent quality of life. I expect it won't be long before he has to let her go though. He has a kind heart and has been through this before as a bystander while his mother and I made similar decisions.
I expect he'll lay her to rest in the back yard which is of course fine.
I'm so sorry Andrew {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}
I'm sorry today brought sad news, Andrew. It sounds like you two have given her a good life.
A couple of odd occurrences today.
As I was driving "in to town" today who pops over the hill heading into the village but my XW. I think that's the first time I've encountered her in the wild in a couple of years. I had stumbled on a picture of us together and seeing her in her car reminded me of how short she is. I'm not really tall at just under 6' but she's 4'11" so seeing her head peeping over the steering wheel was kind of amusing.
I also bumped in to an old acquaintance / former book-keeping client of her's today who has a a variety of enterprises including short-term rentals. Something there's a surprisingly strong market for. We caught up a bit - she's doing pretty well and had some pretty strong things to say about my XW's inability to keep a set of books. They did not part on good terms at all. She's doing some amazing things with her building and showed me around, making - so it seemed - a point of showing me one of the furnished bedrooms in a unit she'll be renting soon. I felt a bit awkward.
She encouraged me to get out and date again and to start doing volunteer work as a way to meet community spirited people. Certainly a good idea to get back into volunteering again now that I have some more time. I used to do quite a bit of volunteer work back in the day and sat on a couple of boards as well.
As a funny - the flower shop has added peppermint to their hand sanitizer at the door - makes things more festive. It turns out that it drives the cat crazy and he licks and chews on my hand quite a bit so I have to remember to wash it off. I did a quick search and it's probably not good for him.
In other news, my flights have been booked for visiting my daughter. I reached out to a friend of mine who travels quite a bit - he lives here but his office is in NYC and he had some good suggestions. I do have a layover instead of a direct flight - fingers crossed that my luggage will follow me. I decided to upgrade a bit to a "comfort" seat even though it cost a fair bit. For that long of a flight a bit of extra leg room will be welcome.
Ah well - first weekend of the month so house cleaning is the order of the day. I picked up a pork cottage roll for tomorrow's supper - might do scalloped potatoes too.
Hand sanitizer definitely bad for pets. I also just found out today that Rogaine (minoxidil) is apparently quite toxic too and even just residue on a pillowcase can be a problem for pets.
I am so very sorry to read that one of the girls is ill. Both girls have had a wonderful life with you and your son. Unfortunately, it does sound like cancer. A friend of the world just lost his cat one month ago from cancer and it is very difficult to let them go. Don't be surprised that when this little girl crosses the Rainbow Bridge, the other one will follow since they are both around 11 or 12 (I hope that I am wrong about that. She will grieve the loss of her sister just like us humans grieve.)
My thoughts are with you, your son and the "girls". It is never easy to let them go and say goodbye.
I am glad you have your flights booked and will be visiting w/your daughter and son-in-law. I think getting away will do you a world of good. BTW, what are you going to do with your cat? You know that cat loves you and will be upset if you put him in a kennel for the length of your stay.
BTW, what are you going to do with your cat? You know that cat loves you and will be upset if you put him in a kennel for the length of your stay.
One of the neighbour kids will come by daily to take make sure he has fresh food and water and to check on the house. Cheaper than boarding and certainly less stressful. The young lad who will be doing this has grown up around cats, his parents are very responsible people and I'm fully confident that everything will be well taken care of.
Had a nice brunch with my son all things considered and had a visit with "the girls". The prognosis for the one cat doesn't seem good at all. The vet drained what they said was the most amount of fluid they ever have from a cat from her lungs. She's on two medications, one that makes her thirsty and some pain medication. I think she recognized me but barely. She's been spending her time in the bathtub which S27 thinks probably feels nice. He told me not to pick her up because it seems to cause her quite a bit of discomfort.
We ate brunch in his apartment because the cafe that he suggested only is doing take-out and talked about things. He needs to make a decision by tomorrow on if he'll proceed with further tests etc and we talked about that. It's his understanding that any further interventions are only able to possibly postpone the inevitable for a short period of time. We talked about death and it helped that a common favourite author (Terry Pratchett) wrote on the topic quite a bit and in a way that is very accepting that it's something that happens. Sir Terry himself, as far as I understand, passed in a way of his own choosing when chronically ill. I think that helped my son to frame the situation.
His apartment was as neat as a new pin - something unusual for him and certainly just achieved. He also talked about his own doctor's appointment which I only had vague knowledge of. Our doctor has prescribed a number of vitamins plus melatonin to help him sleep and some sort of anti-stress medication. I think he's looking forward to taking active action on his sleep and mood issues. Something he's actively resisted for many years and something that he's done on his own initiative.
After brunch I took the long way home intending on doing some thrift shop browsing. One of the ones I wanted to go to is no longer operating but I scored some deals on some things I can use at one surplus store. I'd forgotten how much I love wandering around those places. There were a number of things I was tempted by but have no specific need for. One thing that's important to me is that anything that I bring into the house is needed and used. One of them was some baking racks for me to try something called Million Dollar Bacon that a Navy breakfast place called First Watch had on their menu. My daughter shared the recipe for with me - it was a common treat for her and her husband when they lived in Norfolk.
As I was driving around for some reason I started getting angry at my XW. Not for any particular reason, but just remembering what she put me through and the selfishness she showed. There's a temptation in many parts of the internet to refer to cheating spouses as narcissists, but I prefer to just think of her as a selfish jerk. I'm not a clinician but have certainly learned to identify a jerk when I encounter one.
I had a bit of an epiphany though I think. I was thinking about what she was thinking of her own actions and if she did indeed struggle with her choices as it appeared at the time. I realized that none of that matters at all. Her feelings, her emotions are her's. The hurt I felt was "my" hurt and are only tangentially related to her in that we were in the same marriage.
I also felt a bit of - not pride - but satisfaction that at no time in dealing with my son and his very real problems did I even consider how / if his mother could have helped. She was never very good at empathy anyway, but during our marriage I did rely on her for a lot of the day to day parenting.
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Ah well. Leaves raked, final load of laundry in and ironing about to start. I have a loaf of bread that's just about ready to go into the oven. I'm going to do mashed potatoes tonight instead of scalloped which means potato pancakes later in the week - perhaps with million dollar bacon.
The dusting and vacuuming will wait for another day.
The hurt I felt was "my" hurt and are only tangentially related to her in that we were in the same marriage.
Were you, though? In the same marriage? I often think about the fact that the marriage I thought I was in was very different from the one my ex was in. I’ll take the one I was in any day.
Sorry about the kitty. My sister has one that’s just being held together with antibiotics and steroids, but probably not much longer. Seems like we sturdy LBSs get to be the ones our kids lean on in times like these.
Hello Andrew
As I was driving around for some reason I started getting angry at my XW. Not for any particular reason, but just remembering what she put me through and the selfishness she showed.
Sounds like some processing going on within.
I had a bit of an epiphany though I think. I was thinking about what she was thinking of her own actions and if she did indeed struggle with her choices as it appeared at the time. I realized that none of that matters at all. Her feelings, her emotions are her's. The hurt I felt was "my" hurt and are only tangentially related to her in that we were in the same marriage.
Nice perspective.
Yes, she did struggle. Made poor choices. And now has to live with the consequences.
Her feelings are her’s. Your feelings are your’s.
By the way, I think you and her were in the same marriage for a good many years. Then she chose a different path.
I also felt a bit of - not pride - but satisfaction that at no time in dealing with my son and his very real problems did I even consider how / if his mother could have helped.
Well done.
Epiphanies that stick have corresponding and reinforcing actions.
My W did most of the day to day parenting as well. We let go and step up. And our kids see and realize who is the stable one.
Sorry son’s kitty is declining. You know the best course of action and are being compassionate discussing options with son. Nicely done Dad! Son knew who to speak to.
D
The hurt I felt was "my" hurt and are only tangentially related to her in that we were in the same marriage.
Were you, though? In the same marriage? I often think about the fact that the marriage I thought I was in was very different from the one my ex was in. I’ll take the one I was in any day.
Semantics. I choose to believe my own version of the past.
There were lots of rumours circulating around that I feel are irrelevant about past improper behaviour. I've also been told that she has a narrative that is at odds with available evidence. Where does the actual truth lie? Not really relevant to me.
For me and my peace of mind, I'm not wanting to re-write any history and accept my own narrative that she was a loyal and faithful wife up until she wasn't that one time. Which other than the last bit, was her narrative as well. Would I ever trust her again? No way on this good earth would I. Heck, I'm having trouble with the concept of every trusting "anyone", much less someone who was capable of doing what she did, in the manner she did it regardless of any pain endured or caused in the process.
For others who had to deal with a long-term pattern of abuse of whatever form, it's perhaps different. In my misfortune, I am much more fortunate than most. For the life I lead now, I have more freedom and fewer responsibilities than I would had my marriage continued. My non-existant sex life is only marginally off what it would have been if we'd stayed married too
There were lots of rumors circulating around that I feel are irrelevant about past improper behavior. I've also been told that she has a narrative that is at odds with available evidence. Where does the actual truth lie? Not really relevant to me.
Who tells you these things? Your friends? You know more about what's going on in your ex-wife's life then some of my friends know about their own wives' lives.
I think you are stuck Andrew and you need to get unstuck. You never really took to self help books, working out and GAL so when you throw in a pandemic you are left to ponder the past. Also, since the circus left town you really don't have anything to focus on.
Start to think about what you want and why you want it and go out and get it. Time is ticking, we are not getting any younger.
Onward and upward.
I think you are stuck Andrew and you need to get unstuck. You never really took to self help books, working out and GAL so when you throw in a pandemic you are left to ponder the past.
Get over it LH. I'm talking about the distant past and you are also making stuff up about how I've navigated my healing journey showing again that you have no real clue. Just accept that I'm not like you and am pretty happy about that - K?
I think you are stuck Andrew and you need to get unstuck. You never really took to self help books, working out and GAL so when you throw in a pandemic you are left to ponder the past.
Get over it LH. I'm talking about the distant past and you are also making stuff up about how I've navigated my healing journey showing again that you have no real clue. Just accept that I'm not like you and am pretty happy about that - K?
Roger that! We are all different. We were all wounded. It's journey eh?
I don’t think it’s being stuck to occasionally look back and ponder a past, long term marriage - the keys to future happiness lies in figuring out how not to make those mistakes again, how to recognize those red flags.
Oddly, both my ex-brother in law and two of my exH’s best friend popped up in my FB suggestions for “people you may know” yesterday. The two friends I do share one FB friend with, but none at all with my ex brother in law. I know FB will suggest people if they’ve gone looking for you in FB. I haven’t looked at my ex’s page in years nor have I looked at his friends or family. My FB settings are pretty private so they wouldn’t see anything anyway, just wondering why the sudden interest? The only members of ex’s family who have stayed in touch are his aunt and one cousin.
I don't know that I would necessarily use the word "stuck" like LH did, but Andrew, I do kind of see his point a bit. I know you are not surprised to hear me say that since I have given you a pretty hard time on occasion in the past about letting things about your XW go. I do think that you spend a lot of time concerning your thoughts about what she's doing or how she's interacting with your kids or whatever, which would make more sense to me if your kids were younger. You have posted more than once about how you know nothing, then turn around and give a fairly detailed description of something about what she's doing that you DO know, so that is why I can at least see the point he's making.
But, it is your life, not mine, so you are going to do what you are going to do. I do agree with LH's point, though, that now that you are a little less encumbered mentally by the previous load of having the whole kit and caboodle in your space, you have more time to ponder. I also agree with kml that looking back isn't necessarily a bad thing as it can help you make better moves as you look ahead.
You just keep doing you, my friend, because you are amazing.
Now, come get your d@mn cold weather. It is not welcome here anymore. LOL
.... Emerges from hedge like Homer Simpson ....
Not a lot going on here in the past month.
My son lost one of his cats and has taken it rather hard as has the other cat. He found her a nice sunny spot in the back yard and has let her rest there. I supported him through this, found him a blanket that the cat used to sleep on here for him to use as a shroud. He took care of everything else. I made him an apple crumble and then after that a batch of peanut butter cookies. My default position is to feed people I suppose. He appreciated it. There were many tears and hugs between us as he laid her to her rest.
He's doing better over time and when we had brunch last week he talked about moving to a town about 6 hours away where he has some friends. He thinks one of his friends would be able to get him into the warehouse where he works there. I supported him in this choice. He has few ties to this area and there's no reason why he couldn't just pull up stakes and move. It would be sad for me but I know how to drive and we would still get together, just not as often. He's not a phone call / texting sort of person.
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I'm half-way through my 2 week vacation. If things had gone according to plan I would have been in Seattle visiting my daughter. I decided more or less at the last minute to cancel the trip. Two factors played into it. The first was the new variant going around and the second and more important one was the seeming impossibility to organize the testing I needed to return to Canada. Major hubs are perhaps more set up to accommodate international travel rules but the area my daughter lives in isn't. I spent 3-4 hours trying to book an appointment only to have the websites cancel the booking. I contacted the airline, the place they recommended wasn't taking appointments and my daughter couldn't find any place taking appointments either for the specific test and turn-around time I needed. I'm hoping to get a refund on my flight as I had purchased cancelation insurance but I'm sure they are dragging their feet on that. I'm not worrying too much if I don't get the money back as I had budgeted for this trip and this is a planned expense. The young neighbour lad who was going to look after my cat was a bit disappointed but was happier when he got an envelope with a part payment. He's only 12 and really shouldn't be put out that I canceled my plans. His dad told me that he was quite looking forward to the adventure and responsibility of looking after my cat for me. It would have been his first "paid job".
Sigh.
I mailed out the Christmas parcels I was going to hand-deliver yesterday. I had sort of thought that my XW might have contacted me about taking some things out for her, but unsurprisingly no noises of any sort from that part of the world. She had been nice enough to bring up things 2 years ago when she had gone for a visit. I have no interest in engaging with her at all - she has her life - I have mine and I still have a well of anger that is undoubtedly best left undisturbed. As those who have been playing the home game may recall she has gone to great lengths to avoid me as well in some cases with humorous effect. I just send the payment every month which she cashes first thing in the morning on the date it's due even though it's usually a few days early. If nothing else, I can perhaps be fortunate that unlike some, she is punctilious in abiding by the letter of our agreement. Coming up on 2 years and then it's all done. I do know that she at least used to be kept up to date on what was going with me on via our son and can't imagine that has changed so she would have known of my planned visit.
I've been occupying myself around the house and also with some short trips to stock up on things that aren't easily available locally. I now have the pork pies for my Christmas Eve tradition and the haggis for Robbie Burns Day. The few Christmas decorations I use are out, the tree is up. I was a bit worried as the cat had shown some interest in chewing on the plastic faux pine garlands but that was a short lived thing. He was somewhat curious about the tree as well but has been good there too. I'm planning on decorating it later today.
One thing about being home is that I'll get to see the village Christmas parade. I've set up to record it to post online on my personal website for the kids to see. I also dug out the video from past years where available and put it up too. Looking at them, it did in the earlier ones include by myself and XW - bit of nostalgia.
A lot of the traditions that I had when I was married have changed / morphed. Kind of easier being alone. This year I've added Christmas pudding to the menu. I was inspired by recent mention of "stir-up-Sunday". I did buy 2 small pre-made puddings instead of making it from scratch. I may attempt that next year. I have to pick up some brandy for them too.
A lot of the things I do now were never part of the traditions when I was married. Some are. The dressing I make is pretty much identical to what we had when we were an intact family with kids around. Many of the decorations are the same and placed in the same spot as they were years ago. I add one or two new decorations each year but the total number keeps dwindling as older decorations break / wear out. I'm getting to the point now though where I think I need to put in a bigger effort to do a refresh / re-imagining. Not really where my skill sets lie though. I can build things, hang things up, but the creative part of pulling a whole look together is difficult - and sort of leads on to the next paragraph.
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For some time now, I've been feeling the house being echoingly empty. Since putting up the storm windows the outside sounds get quite muted. Waking up with the cold side next to me. Cooking for one. Having nobody to share my thoughts with or to inform me of their lives and adventures. I know that this is the season that can be hard on single people. The normal events that I would have volunteered at are scaled right back. I've logged on to the online dating sites a few times to browse but haven't activated my profile. I just don't have the energy for that. So many familiar faces, quite a few that I had thought would be interesting. That's why I suppose those sites make money selling annual subscriptions
I also want to be sure that my motivations for engaging with the fairer sex aren't just that I have an empty place to fill - as we know - that can lead to poor choices. I think I've learned / grown enough to be more discriminating rather than just going along with the flow. There have been some flickers of interest here and there from others. Some of whom might be a good match but I've not actively encouraged anything and nothing has gone anywhere. There is a surprising number of women of around my age in this area of my acquaintance who are single - some for quite a long time. Many of them seemingly fairly happy about it too.
Well - that's about it for the time being.
--- slowly backs into the hedge ---
Hello Andrew
Sorry about your son’s cat. I know she was doing poorly and you two were preparing. It sounds like the resting place is a nicely thought out spot and the loss was emotionally expressed well. Tears and hugs are needed. Good job Dad! Leading such expressions as tears is an excellent measure of a man.
Yeah, kids move away. Six hours is a bit of a drive. For sure, you two would still get together. And I bet son would become more texting/phone call with you.
…and I still have a well of anger that is undoubtedly best left undisturbed.
I’ve been playing the home game for years. Following and walking with you.
Andrew, no it’s not best left undisturbed. You are best served, when you work through, and let go this anger. (((Hugs))) Once purged, acceptance takes a different colour and outlook.
For some time now, I've been feeling the house being echoingly empty. Since putting up the storm windows the outside sounds get quite muted. Waking up with the cold side next to me. Cooking for one. Having nobody to share my thoughts with or to inform me of their lives and adventures. I know that this is the season that can be hard on single people.
Sorry my friend. The single life is certainly different. And, much like you, not something I had been planning on.
If I may suggest, turn 180 on it. Instead of trying to not be so single, embrace being single. Completely embrace it! Make it your own.
Happiness and joy comes not so much from the cards we are dealt, rather how we play the cards we were dealt.
Sing some Christmas songs around the house. I’ve been playing the piano and singing carols. The echoing makes quite a resonance. I almost sound good. Lol.
Sing your life, literally and figuratively. Fill your house, and your soul.
My goodness, twenty days. I better get practicing. And some presents. And chocolates. And food. Lol. Seems I am behind a little with all the overtime I’ve been working.
Take care my friend.
D
Instead of trying to not be so single, embrace being single. Completely embrace it! Make it your own.
Happiness and joy comes not so much from the cards we are dealt, rather how we play the cards we were dealt.
Sing some Christmas songs around the house. I’ve been playing the piano and singing carols. The echoing makes quite a resonance. I almost sound good. Lol.
Sing your life, literally and figuratively. Fill your house, and your soul.
Thanks D.
Don't get me wrong, there's quite a lot that I enjoy about livin alone. The elbow room is certainly nice. It's been about 9 years since the kids moved out on their own and so it was just the two of us for a few years, then me, then myself and my son for a few years, B, S and her brood and back on my own again. So I actually have quite a bit of practice on being on my own, not to mention the 6 years or so between moving out from my parents to meeting my wife.
It's better to be alone I've learned than to be with someone who makes you feel "less than". I enjoy being able to cook, clean, entertain myself without any concern for others. Although I DO enjoy cooking for others, cooking for just myself is a bit more freeing.
I do have a good life, it's just not as full as I would like it to be. I suppose it's like cooking side bacon - easy to go from underdone to overdone and everyone has their own preferences as to how they like it. I've been taking to baking it in the oven lately with a bit of maple sugar - yum.
Speaking of cooking, time to start the french toast for today's breakfast. I made beer bread yesterday from a local pilsner for this purpose. Going to add some back-bacon, local sausages.
I was looking for my small collection of Christmas mugs - grrrr - gone. I presume into S' storage locker. Going to have to get some more. Unfortunate - I was attached to those. But a reminder about wrong people. S seemed continuously surpised that I knew the difference between dish and hand towels, not that she ever did the dishes even in her apartment.
I remember her and her kids telling me that every other man she had dated was a "man-baby" - so perhaps having someone who was more than capable of taking care of themselves and others was something she wasn't able to process. Which perhaps explains why the more traditionally feminine things, my bath stuff, sewing and now my Christmas mugs were all scooped up. Not to mention the other stuff that was taken "just because". Lessons learned - scars still itch from time to time to remind me.
Sigh - my griddle calls.
Have a great day all.
Vacation time is winding down. It's been a pretty low pressure / low key time. I've not put too much pressure on myself to "get things done". I have given the house a good clean, got my Christmas cards out and largely finished the plaster repairs in one of the empty bedrooms. Various things have been tried in the kitchen - this morning's fried cucumber for breakfast was perhaps healthy, but disappointing.
I spent probably far too much time working on getting my Plex media server all set up and working the way I wanted it to. I have a fair amount of content which has been awkward to get to so it's nice to have it all sorted and easily available. I did have to spend quite a few hours renaming files though so they would get picked up and indexed properly. I also did some fairly thorough computer backups - something I'm paranoid about having been burned by not having good backups before. I use the same server (Raspberry PI sitting in the hall closet) to store one of the copies of the backups which the home computer synchronizes automatically every Saturday morning - yep - he's a computer nerd still. I also have 2 other backup drives which are normally kept unplugged to ensure safety from any sort of virus or whatnot not to mention the copy of files I send to my daughter a couple of times a year.
Yesterday I sat down and went through my charitable donations list. I was annoyed to see that last year that my donations were down about 25% so bumped them up this year. I split them about 50/50 between local and international organizations. I went back about 8 years to see what groups had been donated to before to be thoughtful about it. Each year I try to cycle in one new charity and will occasionally need to let one go - there's only so much budget to go around. I haven't added one in for the year-end giving although there is a local animal rescue that I donated to through the year. In the new year, I may pick a charity to start doing some volunteer work with. The local hospital foundation or perhaps the food bank are up on the list. My canceled trip opened up some budget room so I could afford to be a bit more generous.
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I was worried that spending so much time actually alone without even work interaction would be tough, but after a day or so I've been fine. I do peek in at how the plant is running from time to time just so I am aware and a couple of issues that have been sent to me were dealt with. A couple of phone calls as well when the plant wasn't able to get in touch with another "manager".
I was a bit surprised when a friend of a friend connected to me on social media. She's not someone who is active there and is probably not expanding a friend network. Our mutual friend is someone who was at me recently that I should be dating though. Whenever I get a connection request I always double-check the bona-fides. Manager of one of the local banks for quite a few years, probably 8 or so years older than me, no indication of any spouse so perhaps checking me out? I dunno - I accepted the connection request, hit "like" on a recent post of her's that I did like and left it there.
When I was in the drug store yesterday a nice woman apologized for blocking my view in our typical Canadian way. I laughed and commented "as if I knew where things were". She asked and then helped me to find the low dose aspirin I was shopping for and then opened up a conversation about how other pain medications didn't seem to have been a thing when she was younger, one of her kids having an allergy to aspirin and that oh - she was 52. Nice lady - interesting conversation - rather pretty too. I thanked her and went on my way.
So I'm going to allow myself to believe that if I do choose to date that there are women out there who seem to have their act together and who could be interested in me. Still not even "on the fence" about that, more just peeking over to see what colour the grass is.
Speaking of fences and such, the house next door to me sold after being on the market for only a week or so. So I presume they got their asking price which is 3 X what my house was appraised for 6 years ago when I bought my xW out. My lot is 3 X the size of that property and my house is probably about twice the size. On the other hand, that house was recently gutted and re-done and I still have wallpaper up from the 1940s. Sad as it is to say, I was perhaps "lucky" that my xW and I split before the jump in house prices and I bought her out. I think we've seen probably a 125% increase in prices since then. I'm a little bit nervous about having new neighbours - hopefully they are nice people.
Speaking of the xW, I was surprised on Monday afternoon when I went in to town to see our son's car in their drive. I thought he might stop by here later as there are a couple of things he was to pick up, but he didn't. Probably for the best as the weather was a bit dirty in the evening. He did say that he was taking a few days off to do his Christmas shopping so it must have been this week he was off to be there in the afternoon. Yesterday when I was again in town going to the drug store and hardware store etc, her car was still in the drive and since there was bare pavement under it, it must not have gone anywhere. She must be taking some time off too. None of my concern.
When decorating the tree I purged a few more ornaments. One of them was one that my xW might have wanted but after giving it some hard thought I chose to toss it. It's been years and if there was anything she wanted she's had oodles of time to ask for it. Still feel a bit bad about doing that.
I think I'll need to spend some time shopping for new or new to me decorations. I'm purging faster than replacing as things wear out etc. That's where I could certainly use some help from someone with decorating sense which I know isn't one of my strengths.
Time I suppose to move things along with my day. Done my morning status check of the plant, diarized here. My goals for today is to get some groceries, check the flea market to see if they have a flour sifter (pretty sure S took the one I had), butcher shop etc. Then finish the plaster work in the one bedroom and give the second one a going over for plaster repairs as well. I did pick up primer yesterday so hopefully in the next short while I can have these rooms ready for a coat of some neutral coloured paint. I have 2 cans of a grey paint in the cellar that should work fine. Be nice to get those part-done projects behind me so I can move on to other things.
Glad you had a decent vacation but sorry you didn't get to go see your daughter. I do understand why all of the uncertainty on being able to return safely was a concern though. Thanks for sharing pics of your tree and that handsome boy Monty. It looks good and he looks content.
Christmas card is on the way from way down south....maybe it will bring a little warm air and Christmas cheer with it when it lands in your mailbox (hopefully in time for Christmas....but if not, well happy whatever when it does actually arrive).
Good Morning Andrew
I’m glad your vacation was low key and low pressure. Very nice to see the plant was barely in view; one needs to unwind and recharge.
I did wonder at the fried cucumbers. I’ll take your assessment of disappointing on faith and stick to potatoes. Lol. And yes, maple sugar on bacon is divine.
It's better to be alone I've learned than to be with someone who makes you feel "less than".
Oh so very true.
To further this a bit; and in no means reflecting upon you; we all live with ourselves. That “someone” can make one feel less than as well. That’s the first needed lesson, which we often learn out of order.
I’m with you, I find cooking for others more satisfying than for just myself.
my small collection of Christmas mugs - grrrr - gone. I presume into S' storage locker.
…a flour sifter (pretty sure S took the one I had)
Darn. Eventually these surprises will cease.
You are correct, quite lucky getting finances settled back when prices were less. A 125% increase on your house appraisal would have made things very uncomfortable financially.
I was amazed to see how fast your neighbour’s place sold. Presumably without any 1940’s wall paper; I mean that stuff it in high demand. Well, I hope so, since I have plenty of it. Lol
When decorating the tree I purged a few more ornaments. One of them was one that my xW might have wanted but after giving it some hard thought I chose to toss it. It's been years and if there was anything she wanted she's had oodles of time to ask for it. Still feel a bit bad about doing that.
Its ok. She has had plenty of time. And more importantly, ample opportunities to acquire that which she might have wanted. I completely empathize with your feelings, I share similar.
Hope the rooms go well and you can put those projects behind you. It will be wonderful to bring your vision of them to life.
Have a great day.
D
Not much going on here in the Land of P
Getting more or less back into the swing of things at work. It seems that I was missed at least by some of the people including my boss who took over the bulk of my role while I was off.
The railway has been unreliable lately - it seems because of poor planning around crew holidays and that's left us in a bit of a pickle in terms of being able to move cars in and out. We have a big stack of cars waiting to come in and customers who are looking for them to be delivered in time for Christmas - who doesn't want 90 tonnes of hazardous chemicals just in time for the holdiays
Other than that and the usual sort of things that make year-end a busy time, it's going decently well. I've got orders more or less caught up but have had to juggle some things to get access to one of the blending tanks for a special order that's got to go out next week. The big worry is to be ahead of orders enough so that our customers aren't caught short while staff are on holiday. It requires a certain amount of SWAG (Scientific Wild A$$ Guessing) to project demand that you've not been told about. Since we have a fairly small product line it's not too hard to do and if I have something on the floor that isn't needed right away I can be confident it won't sit for too long.
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Not much going on in my personal life either. I had a nice brunch with my son last Sunday - he had slept in and offered to cancel when I called and woke him up after waiting for 1/2 hour. Given that the most important thing I had on my agenda that day was spending time with him, waiting for him (another 45 minutes it turned out) wasn't an issue.
He's not sure what his Christmas plans are - he and his mother are both pretty poor at making plans so I called dibs on Christmas day but did say that if he "had other plans" that I could accommodate. I'll nudge him early next week for a firm decision as that will impact when I need to start preparing things.
My daughter and son-in-law's parcel arrived yesterday and managed to sit on their front porch for 5 hours without being stolen. We'll undoubtedly do the "open presents together" thing via Skype when my son is with me.
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Nothing happening relationship-wise. I occasionally browse the OLD sites but not with any enthusiasm or seriousness. I suspect that if I do find someone, that it won't be using that method. I've not heard from "C" in some time although our paths are crossing more regularly on social media given her recent involvement in a small business in my village. I may reach out to her in the New Year to see if she wants to have lunch and catch up.
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In other news, my friend 20S (same age as my son) and her most recent "true love" have split. He's gotten a new girlfriend rather quickly so I expect that there was some "relationship overlap" there. 20S didn't say anything specific to me, I only figured it out when I asked her where I should send her Christmas card and she gave me her grandmother's address. At least this time she's not trying to store more stuff in my house. 'Tis the season for breakups though. I know that one of the reasons I split from S was that I couldn't bear the idea of being around her and her family for Christmas pretending to be all a happy family.
I feel a bit bad for 20S - but not a huge amount. For those playing the home game, like S - or even more so - she jumps in headlong into new relationships and takes over. She had everything all planned out. I did have a look on social media and her ex BF's new squeeze is early 40s with a handful of kids, a fair amount of tattoos (it's a personal choice) and lots of cleavage - so probably at least 10 years his senior. 20S has the tattoos I believe and lots of cleavage as well and has gone through a train of guys in relationships like this for as long as I can remember. At 27 though the pool of available guys is getting muddier and muddier I would imagine. I'd like to think that post mid-40s with empty-nesters etc that it clears up a bit but honestly can't say that I can confirm that.
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I have pretty much everything set for Christmas including a new tradition I'm going to try - Christmas pudding with brandy. A store-bought pudding this time around.
It's hitting me a bit in the feels thinking of Christmas' past and how it's tough not having anyone around to share the joy of preparing etc - but I've not had that for 6 years now. First year in quite a few though that it's just me (and the cat) under the roof.
One thing I don't miss though is having to deal with my in-laws. They were a pretty toxic bunch over-all although my x-MIL was a sweetheart. Shame my xW took after her Dad more than her Mom.
PS - Cat is doing well these days. We've watched a number of Christmas movies together recently.
Merry Christmas Andrew
Wishing you joy and peace this holiday season.
All the very best to you and your’s.
D
Merry Christmas Eve from Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan!
The forecast unfortunately has shifted over to a brown Christmas this year. We do have a bit of snow on the ground but with the forecasted rain it will melt. The good news though is that it means my son will have fairly decent conditions for driving over on Saturday for dinner.
Things are getting scary around here and a lot of people have canceled / scaled back plans. I was surprised that my boss said he had been expecting over 30 people - I had no idea he had such a large family - or presume it is family - and that most of them have now canceled.
I went out for wings and beer with one of my best friends earlier this week - restaurant was fairly busy although our server mentioned that she and her co-workers are having a hard time getting hours. I made sure to tip well. He's gone back to driving school-bus (he's retired) so it made me a bit nervous.
The plant is going to be fairly busy over the holidays although the railway didn't show up again last night. When they spun the "wheel of excuses" they came up with "high wide detector" which I believe acts up during inclement weather or when there's a long weekend. I have 6 cars that I need to have in place to be loaded / unloaded by Tuesday night - so hopefully they will give us a recovery service although I doubt we'll see them before Monday night which will make Tuesday extra busy.
Some stresses at the plant going on. One of our two admin regular admin people is off for medical until at least the end of the month so the bulk of the load is going on to one person. I help out as much as I can. There was some drama a couple of days ago because of the stress of one person doing far far too much and she exploded and announced that she was quitting. Instead of empathizing (which he's not really good at) our boss showed his engineer side and tried to suggest quick fixes and ways that she (who has been in the job nearly 20 years) could do things better. It didn't go over well. She's still there and I think feels a bit better because - yes - he did hear her and does care - and she is a very devoted employee.
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Christmas preparations are almost done here. I had to pop "in to town" this morning to pick up my fresh flowers, some traditional chocolate for stockings, a few groceries. Work is fairly light today. The one side of the business is shut down for the holidays so I don't need to worry about them. I've got a stack of things to take care of still though so even though it's officially a 1/2 day I'll probably put in a good 7-8 hours or so.
F at the flower shop was bemoaning the fact that she doesn't get a stocking and since her boss does get one from her mother still that she wanted to be adopted. They're such nice people there. I don't really seem to get an "I'd like to date this guy" vibe from F in recent times I don't think - no clue if she's seeing someone anyway but I'm pretty sure she's not.
This Christmas does feel odder than others. First year I think ever that I've not had someone else under this roof with me other than the cat. There was the one year that my son went to stay with his mother but he was still living here so it's different now.
Not sure what my son's plans are but I've not heard from him that he won't be here so the plan stays for Christmas Dinner tomorrow night and then opening presents with his sister via Skype.
I have the duck pretty much thawed as is the "fresh bread". The menu will be roast duck, mashed turnip, mashed potatoes, gravy, steamed carrots, fresh bread with Christmas pudding with flaming brandy on top (new this year) for desert.
I have the Hogfather's pork pie ready to go for tonight to refresh him as he goes about his round's as he fills the stockings here for my son and I. I believe that a glass of sherry will also be able to be had.
A Very Merry Christmas / Happy Hogswatch to all!
Sounds delicious !
Things are heating up here as well. My youngest son, who lives in LA and works in a restaurant, won’t be coming for Xmas. His roommate has Covid, several coworkers got Covid, and three bars on the same street as his restaurant are closed because of Covid outbreaks. He just got his booster two days ago, but he is worried about the possibility of bringing it to us since all three of us have risk factors. We will be having a FaceTime Xmas with him I’m afraid.
I’ve finished my Xmas wrapping and am baking Ranger cookies with my oldest son while we rewatch Die Hard.
Merry Christmas, Andrew!
Overall I had a very nice Christmas. My son was about 1/2 hour late getting here but had just entered the village when I called to check on him. He's often late so I wasn't too worried but did think that there was a chance that he'd forgotten to let me know of any change in plans.
We had a nice dinner although neither of us it turns out are fans of Christmas pudding. Oh well - they were just small puddings and now we know.
When time came to call his sister he asked that we not do that. So we didn't. He's having a rough time of things it seems. Referred to himself as the Family-F-Up which is absolutely not true. No close friends, dead-end job - that's his own opinion. I let him vent. This time of year is tough on people who are alone - I know this. And his life I am sure isn't everything he could have hoped for.
He'd not brought any presents either - which again is a non-issue. He got annoyed when I joked about the one year he got me an empty cookie tin because he didn't get around to baking the cookies for it. And I know of many years where he has been very last minute running up to his room to wrap as everyone gathers to open gifts. So I wasn't shocked or even all that concerned.
It also turns out that he's having car problems. Got a flat tire and actually drove over here on his emergency spare. We had a look at the tire in his trunk and the sidewalls are in ok shape so it can probably be repaired. I'm glad that I taught him how to change his tires a few years ago.
I feel sorry for the kid - not much I can do for him though other than just "be there".
We opened the presents under the tree including the ones his sister had mailed up to his PO box. I got a cookbook (Betty Crocker) I really wanted and my daughter had gone through it and put in stickers and notes on recipes that she though I would be interested in. So very thoughtful.
He liked the gifts I got him and I quite liked the ones I got from "Santa". Boy that guy knows me well. I got some new gloves and some ceramic, both from local artisans. Nice that Santa shops local. My son got some new gloves as well, a folding kite, a pie bird and one of those lights that help with seasonal depression. He's looking forward to trying that and I asked him to let me know if it helps as I might get one for me too.
After he went home I called my daughter and her husband and they opened the presents I sent. She is worried about her brother too - not being on the call was pretty shocking I expect. They don't communicate regularly anyway - my son just doesn't do that with anyone - so Christmas and perhaps my birthday are the only times they see each other. It's his way though and she accepts that like I do. We had a really nice visit though and they liked the gifts I sent (which included new gloves, a folding kite and a pie bird) and she was happy that I was so thrilled with the cookbook.
After I cleaned up the dishes etc I went and had a long soak in the tub and a think. Frustrated that I don't have another parent around to help with this. I felt annoyed but not angry. Assuming his mother hasn't changed, her normal reaction to the kids having issues has been to yell at them. Le sigh. It's said that people become more and more their true selves as they age so I doubt she's all sweetness and kindness. Personally I expect that she's going through some difficulties as I've seen her car in her drive pretty much every time I've gone past mid-week in recent weeks - so perhaps not working right now? No clue. Not my problem. I certainly can't count on her to make things better for him.
If I were him, I would be feeling like I wasn't a priority for his mother. He's pretty much always here for Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas etc. I do know that he does visit from time to time though as he's mentioned that he's had to go and walk their dog and I've seen his car there from time to time.
I really don't know what I can do different then I am with my son. Having brunch every 2 weeks helps a lot I think. It's a routine and something that forces him to come out of his bubble a little. We both know that without that I would hardly ever see him. I "didn't break him" and certainly can't "fix" him. He was always closer to his mother - they are a lot alike. But can't count on her. I just really hope that she's not making things any worse - the "Family-F-Up" line I hope didn't come from her. Although perhaps he doesn't open up to her like he does with me. It's safe for him to do it with me.
Christmas can be a time for Joy and Family - but it can also be tough. He was in a good mood I thought when he left so it was a good Christmas for him.
Had a kick in the feels today.
My daughter had mentioned that she was looking for photos of her and her brother to perhaps frame and I responded that there should be copies on her backup device. I had made copies of many of my files including photos a few years ago on her system. Well - that device isn't working anymore so I said that I'd send her a drive with a fresh set - so I'm making a copy of my primary backup device.
Some of the files that I have backed up though aren't things that I think she should have the opportunity to randomly encounter, specifically around my divorce, her mother's infidelity and related proofs etc. To make things easier if she ever needs to act on my behalf she does need a copy of the certificate and some related documents. So I went through to purge out some of the files.
My heavens - I hardly recognize myself from back then. The extra chances I gave her, the kindness that I showed even as she was deep into it and taking me for granted. Sigh. I'm certainly a much more cynical person now. Sad in some ways that I lost at least part of that "before" me - I'd even largely forgotten the pet name she used to call me all the time. It all seems so very long ago now and "foreign" - coming up on the 6th year "anniversary" shortly.
Funny to think that we were that couple that others envied. Devoted to each other and not afraid to show it. Always holding hands. People often remarked on how lucky she was to have me
Well - back to the housework. I've boiled the bones of the duck and made a bit pot of broth. I'll let it cool and remove the fat and then reheat it enough to pour it into molds. I use my muffin pans to freeze the broth into individual pucks that just nicely make gravy for one. Some of the broth will go into making duck stew as well. Might just have a sit though and pick something new to read - something light I think.
Lots of leftovers to work through as well. My son didn't take any with him. Dressing and turnip is probably dinner tonight.
I have tomorrow and Tuesday "off" - some nasty weather is supposed to roll in. Hopefully it will be good enough for my son to get his tire fixed though.
My heavens - I hardly recognize myself from back then. The extra chances I gave her, the kindness that I showed even as she was deep into it and taking me for granted. Sigh. I'm certainly a much more cynical person now.
You are? Are you certain about that? Because your actions and behavior both with B and most recently with S would say otherwise. That’s even with many on the outside looking in, including many here, trying to convince you and help you screaming in your ear. I don’t say these things to be mean. I say them for multiple reasons. First, people rarely change. If you were anything but cynical with your W, with B with S why would you be not be the same today? In fact you called me and others cynical, and uncaring and told us how even though the odds clearly said otherwise it would be different for you. The real test of if you’ve changed is yet to come. You won’t know for certain until B’s or S’s successor enters your life. But to assume it will be different is extremely naive and dangerous. Going in very cautiously knowing how you’ve been all of your life and trying to alter that is the best you’ve got. Assume it will happen again unless you take steps to avoid and change it. Nothing magical or otherwise has happened or changed in the last year. The best predictor of your future behavior is your recent past behavior. Until you test these changes with the next woman, it’s nice to look back and think we’ve learned and changed but it’s very dangerous. You have to keep your guard up and prove it can and will be different. That test is still forthcoming.
Thanks Don. Had to chew on that for a while before responding but you are indeed correct. A tool cannot be proven to work or not work until it is used.
A couple of friends of mine now refer to me as commitment avoidant and TBH, there is a lot of reluctance to start up anything with anyone so who knows when that test might come. I'm not putting any timelines, dates or expectations on anything right now.
So I think a commitment avoidant would mean you are playing the field. A “Don Juan” so to speak. Since I don’t think that’s your style Andy P refining your screening process is the way to go. Time to get back up on that horse after the first of the year.
Thanks Don. Had to chew on that for a while before responding but you are indeed correct. A tool cannot be proven to work or not work until it is used.
Glad you received and viewed it as I intended. You very much can rise to the challenge when and if the time comes. You’ll just have a better chance at success if you can remember and keep close the thoughts and feeling you have today rather than the rosey hopes that will inevitably creep in. I’m great at seeing these things in others. I much more struggle when I’m in the thick of it. Nothing wrong with being cautious and cynical while making the lady prove herself over time.
I agree, a tool cannot be proven until used. I hope you get to use your tool soon. Er um, you know what I mean.
AndrewP,
Some of the files that I have backed up though aren't things that I think she should have the opportunity to randomly encounter, specifically around my divorce, her mother's infidelity and related proofs etc. To make things easier if she ever needs to act on my behalf she does need a copy of the certificate and some related documents. So I went through to purge out some of the files.
I have a ton of evidence stored up as well. At the time is seemed so important, but now almost two years later it seems pointless. Didn't factor into the D at all, and wouldn't be good to share with the kids (even if I had thoughts of that as revenge at the time). Perhaps I should do a purge myself at some point.
My heavens - I hardly recognize myself from back then. The extra chances I gave her, the kindness that I showed even as she was deep into it and taking me for granted. Sigh.
Yep. Completely understand this.
AndrewP,
Some of the files that I have backed up though aren't things that I think she should have the opportunity to randomly encounter, specifically around my divorce, her mother's infidelity and related proofs etc. To make things easier if she ever needs to act on my behalf she does need a copy of the certificate and some related documents. So I went through to purge out some of the files.
I have a ton of evidence stored up as well. At the time is seemed so important, but now almost two years later it seems pointless. Didn't factor into the D at all, and wouldn't be good to share with the kids (even if I had thoughts of that as revenge at the time). Perhaps I should do a purge myself at some point.
My heavens - I hardly recognize myself from back then. The extra chances I gave her, the kindness that I showed even as she was deep into it and taking me for granted. Sigh.
Yep. Completely understand this.
My exh actually went to the probate court and searched the records of his parents' divorce. I'm trying to remember when he did that, but I can't quite place the timeframe. It may have been after our son was born. My point being, if they want that information, they will search it out themselves. Better not to find it from either of you, I think.
So I think a commitment avoidant would mean you are playing the field. A “Don Juan” so to speak. Since I don’t think that’s your style Andy P refining your screening process is the way to go. Time to get back up on that horse after the first of the year.
or commitment avoidant could mean, "I touched the burner on the stove and I ain't doing that again!"
I guess but again I don’t think he’s a committed avoidant. I think he’s not strong enough to say “no” when things don’t work for him. Kinda like CW.
Happy New Year!
Working through the year end production reporting right now. No rest for the wicked I presume. We had a pretty good year at the plant - I think we were sold out at about 120% of capacity which was the cause of many of our challenges. We had to bring product in from our competitors to meet demand in fact.
It's going to be interesting to see how things shift around as time goes on. I'm used to working essentially 7 days / week - usually just a bit on the weekends to make sure things are ticking along. A bit more on days like this when so many things all hit at the same time. I think that the people I work with now have a pretty clear idea of what I'm good at and more importantly, what I'm not good at.
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New Years Eve was a quiet affair with mostly just the cat and I. 20S and a friend popped over for a quick visit and to pick up some leftover Halloween candy to binge on. My heavens - 20S was dressed up in CFM shine on her way to a party. I'd almost forgotten how much cleavage she has and how impressive it is. Kept my eyes firmly up. Very tight pants. She's a big girl - nearly as tall as I am with generous curves that have not sagged at all - and 9 miles of bad road as far as issues go. Too bad. She's over-all a good kid but I think that at 27 she's feeling the clock running out on her finding a man - and sadly she's one of those people that "needs" one. At least the amount of her stuff that I'm storing hasn't gone up. She's moved back in with her grandmother and I don't think it's going well. Not my issue at all.
She asked about my son (they were best friends growing up) and I think I've finally gotten across to her that he's not actually mad at her but just doesn't take her calls or talk to her because he's built a new and different life for himself. She's still mad at his mother as well who also blocked her and won't return her calls a few years ago. Not sure why - 20S maintained contact with her and went over to visit regularly even for a long time after the split. I suspect that it was because 20S was also still in contact with me and had all the details on her affair. She feels a bit betrayed because my xW always referred to her like I do as our "extra daughter".
On the other hand, many of the people my xW was close to are no longer part of her life as far as I'm aware. Occasionally I'll bump in to one of them around town and they'll comment that they've not heard from her since the split. It's been a long while since anyone has even mentioned anything to me though - like for me - it's as if she doesn't exist any more.
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I was disappointed to not be able to find "Rockin New Years Eve" on the TV - seems that you could only see that this past year if you had some sort of cable subscription. It was my historical tradition to watch that. Did my usual re-watch of Black Adder - Back and Forth made a lot easier now that I have my own streaming server in the house. I did watch the ball drop though, toasted the New Year with a can of local porter, gave the cat a smooch, texted a few friends "Happy New Year" and headed to bed. Out of the 6 past New Years, only 2019 involved a smooch with an actual person and that certainly didn't turn out well. A house full of vermin and a global pandemic starting up are not things I want to repeat.
Made myself a nice breakfast today - one of my favourite things to do. Used up the last of the smoked kippers I think so will need to add that to the grocery list. Only one shop in the area carries them. I still have work to do on cooking side bacon in the oven. I'm getting closer but have to get the temperature and timing down so that it's ready when everything else is.
Just about have the plant stuff taken care of. There's one car that the railway shows as being shipped out that I know is sitting at the plant so I'll need to figure that out. Most of the numbers have added up decently and the plant is running smoothly. A couple of tanks were lower than I'd like them to be - I always worry about pumps running dry even though there are redundant fail-safes on them all. Also empty tanks degrade faster than full ones. They're designed to be full of product, not air.
I have a lot of math to do before Tuesday - I have about 60 tonnes of product to allocate to different customers. I "need" closer to 120 but 60 is all I'll be able to get out of the plant for that part of the business. It might even be closer to 45 tonnes. All of this has to be figured out and set ready for 8:00 on Tuesday so I have some time - perhaps tomorrow.
Being as this is the first weekend of the month / first day of a new quarter, I'll be doing house-cleaning and computer backups. I take everything that is stored out on the cloud and make local copies of it once a quarter. For some reason I have a distrust of computers
. I'll also pack up the Christmas decorations as is my tradition for New Years Day. I'll probably purge a few more while I do that. Next Year I'll need to take the opportunity to re-imagine a bunch of the decorating - something I'm not good at.
Probably have a nice soak in the tub before I do any of the scrubbing. I'm currently reading "The Man Who Was Thursday". Not really the light reading I had been looking for but certainly entertaining and compelling. Chesterton certainly could spin a story.
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Not really feeling today as the start of something new - but certainly feeling 2021 sloughing off and away. I think that the tearing down is largely complete - time to start looking at building something new. I think I have some drawings around here somewhere for that little sprit-sail pram I'd like somewhere.
Not really feeling today as the start of something new - but certainly feeling 2021 sloughing off and away.
Kinda right there with ya. I won't go into all of the reasons again, most all of which appear to be out of my control, but did see a meme that pretty much may sum it up. Let's hope it's not correct!
2022 is pronounced 2020 -II
Hello Andrew
I saw an interesting meme too.
Two people talking about the new year. The one says, “I think 2022 is going to bring flowers”. The other person, “How can you sound so sure?”. Their reply, “Because that’s what I planted.”
It’s greenest where we water it. Nurture well.
Happy New Year.
D
Hello Andrew
I saw an interesting meme too.
Two people talking about the new year. The one says, “I think 2022 is going to bring flowers”. The other person, “How can you sound so sure?”. Their reply, “Because that’s what I planted.”
It’s greenest where we water it. Nurture well.
Happy New Year.
D
I just saw that exact meme posted by a dear friend who has a very positive outlook on life, so I'm rolling with it.
“Because that’s what I planted.”
D
Great idea and nice platitude to follow. Right up until the government comes in, claims your flowers violate some law or are just deemed dangerous or unacceptable and force you to remove them. Sadly that’s closer to todays world. We used to be in charge of our destiny (planting the flowers of our choice) but now it’s been determined we are not smart enough to run our own lives so the “experts” will mandate to us how we will love, where we can travel, who we can visit, on and on.
I love that D!!! I think 2022 will bring flowers as well.
Great idea and nice platitude to follow. Right up until the government comes in, claims your flowers violate some law or are just deemed dangerous or unacceptable and force you to remove them. Sadly that’s closer to todays world. We used to be in charge of our destiny (planting the flowers of our choice) but now it’s been determined we are not smart enough to run our own lives so the “experts” will mandate to us how we will love, where we can travel, who we can visit, on and on.
Lol.
I can speak sarcasm.
I hear the humorous jest within. And the comment contains grains of truth which are a fantastic backdrop to the platitude.
It’s ok, I applied for a zoning permit two years ago. Got permission after several resubmissions, meetings, a permit fee, a special one time levy for soil disruption, a property survey, and two inspectors signed off on the plan.
Don, I agree. Nowadays life seems rather constricted. My “flowers” are the ones in my head, heart, and soul. There isn’t a person, group, agency, or government powerful enough to control my thoughts, actions, or reactions. I control me!
Against the real backdrop of imposed measures, I still choose what is within.
A destiny is always hard earned. Yes, “experts” do seem to believe they know best, and the majority of the populations are willingly and maybe unwittingly seceding their control to them. It all makes the realization of one’s life and control more meaningful.
Plant flowers and bloom against the bleak.
Control. Destiny. It’s hard earned. Enjoy it.
D
Nothing much going on. Just cruising along. Work has continued to be tough but certainly not as tough as it was. I was supposed to be working from home on a special project a couple of days / week but since we're in lockdown, paradoxically I'm going in to the plant each day. The other office staff are working from home so I'm at the plant so that someone is in the office to deal with visitors etc. Not that we get many, but we can't have people wandering around not knowing where to go when they come on site so I get them to fill out the Covid intake forms and chase down their sponsor.
We're still running flat out which is a problem because parts of the plant fail from time to time causing us to shut down for repairs and fall further behind. One key component though now has a replacement so we'll call in a crane team and hoist it into place and hopefully can be back up and running more reliably soon. We had a shutdown last weekend that was particularly problematic because the new engineer who was dealing with it neglected to drain some of the lines and they froze which then caused more problems. Some of our products freeze at well above the freezing point of water.
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The comments about growing what you planted are interesting. And because I can't let a good analogy rest, small story. Some years ago - post bomb-day still though (phew time is just hurtling by) - the seeds from the bird feeder that I used to have in the flower bed next to the house sprouted. Among the plants were some very cute miniature sunflowers with multiple heads. Not something I would have sought out to plant but something that I was very happy to see.
I've "planted" nothing as far as a future personal life is concerned. By which I mean that I've taken no active action to make changes for a future. There are some people out there that could be part of my life that are on the periphery at present. "C" is currently out of the country with her kids. Her oldest is going to be doing some mission work for a few months. We connect via text from time to time - every few months - and are hoping to get together for a visit when she gets back in a couple of weeks - assuming that there is anywhere open.
There's an old acquaintance that I've known for years who I think is interested. Our parents were great friends and her mother was actually my school bus driver. She always seems extra happy to see me whenever we bump in to each other and she's been pretty active recently on making positive comments on my social media. She's been divorced for quite a few years, kids almost all launched. I had thought she had a partner recently but he's been scrubbed from her social media. I know he had some health problems.
I'm not feeling any particular urge to spark anything into action with anyone. The thought of sharing this house with anyone at present I think is a big part of my reluctance after it went so horribly wrong. As I told C when she asked why it ended, "I thought I could get along with anyone - I was wrong".
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In other news, now that I have my own media server, I went to a second hand movie / music place and picked up some shows / movies / music that I thought I'd like. I watched Errol Flynn's Robin Hood last night. Lots of fun. I do love to see a swash properly buckled.
I had loaned my portable DVD player to my son recently so had to dig out the old "family computer" that has a working DVD player to make digital copies of the disks. It turns out that there were a lot of old files on there, copies of my XW's ID etc. I debated clearing all that out but really can't be bothered.
Speaking of my xW, I was rather startled to end up in traffic right behind her when I was "in town". I was a bit surprised / not surprised to see her turn into the bank we used to deal with moments after I pulled up behind her. I'd thought she had changed banks - at least that's what the financial disclosures had said. Or she could have spotted me - I'm sure she knows what car I'm driving which is also fairly unique. There's one other exactly like it in town and when ever we see each other we wave like mad and honk our horns. There's quite a few that are similar though too.
Had an odd experience in the grocery store today as well - but understandable. The clerk was apologizing that I had to wait and I joked that I never hurry and that going faster would only get me home faster and to my laundry. She said that perhaps "someone would appear to help" which got a response that the cat still hasn't figured out the appliances and that random woodland creatures are of no help no matter what songs I sing for them
It does sort of play into one thing that sort of bothers me with my memory. I honestly can't remember who did what around the house when I was married. I know that I did all the "family" laundry plus my own, occasionally cooked etc. I wasn't sure about dishes though - a Facebook memory popped up today that reminded me that yes - I normally did the dishes. Only fair because I didn't do the bulk of the cooking. It's weird though - perhaps a trauma thing? But I really can't easily remember a lot of the day-to-day of my life back then. I generally have an excellent memory but a lot of that past is a blank for some reason.
Not a lot else going on. I have new neighbours finally - haven't met them yet. I hope they're nice people. I'm debating making a pound cake and taking it over. There's two cars in the driveway and I saw one of them through their window last night when I got home - the person I saw seemed fairly young at least to my eyes. Not sure if they have kids / pets / annoying habits but that will come out over time.
Andrew, it sounds to me that your firm should be investing in a bunch of maintenance along with, perhaps, Lean Six Sigma training for everybody. The industry you're in is not one you should have to run via flying by the seat of your pants. The equipment failures are a real worry!
Have you ever considered finding a more organised, dare I say professional, company? If they're not going to make use of your exceptional organisational skills, I'm sure another one will.
I’m sure you’ve got a little ptsd. But when the time comes, do remember that you CAN date somebody without them moving in with you!
I imagine that dating someone who is financially stable who has their own place with no urgency to get out of it.
I imagine it would be a whole new experience not dating someone who needs rescuing or a roof over your head, uou can take the time to really date someone and get to know someone. And it could be YEARS before anyone moves in together. I think it would be very new to you, but very rewarding
Andy P needs to triple H until The cows come home.
Andrew, I think the comments have covered everything—except you have good taste in films. Too bad we don’t live a tad closer than different countries.
I don’t connect “dating” and “moving in together”. I think it’s interesting that in your mind those two concepts are so linked. You have more to offer women than your home!
Have you ever considered finding a more organised, dare I say professional, company? If they're not going to make use of your exceptional organisational skills, I'm sure another one will.
It's sort of one of those sunk costs fallacies thing. Where I am is stable, I'm still being paid city salary even though I'm not having to do that drive any more. Changing jobs would be a risk both in terms of salary and stability. Over the years I've put varying amounts of effort into job searches - sadly especially in tech roles which is what I'm most qualified for, there is a huge amount of ageism. Very few people are looking for a 58 (in a couple of months) year old "expert" - they expect the experts to be in their 30s. In just over 2 years I'll have a "lot" more flexibility when I'm no longer making those big support payments every month. On the other hand, 2 years is the timeline that I am looking at to move into an even more senior position where I currently am due to the planned retirement of the guy above me.
A number of the issues we are having at the plant is due in part to the loss of a couple of senior engineering staff and the new guys not having the same sort of feel for keeping things running. The other part of the equation is that there is unprecedented demand for our products largely due to our competitors having production issues themselves.
My boss was making a comment the other day that present conditions really remind him of 2007 when irrational exuberance led to an economic crash. I can't say he's wrong although none of the financial analysts I listen to are saying anything like that. There's a lot of liquidity sloshing around the economy. And like in 2008, housing has become unaffordable which I expect are leading to individuals being over-leveraged. We're getting hit with some unprecedented cost increases too as a commodity producer which are needing to be passed on. Our primary raw material is a waste product from another industry, we sometimes get paid to take it. Costs for 2022 have just come in at a 30% increase from our estimates and we were already paying a high rate for it. Everything from transportation, raw materials, even the plastic that goes in to the drums we use is becoming harder to get and more expensive. Government programs that have kept the costs of capital down and put money directly into the hands of everyday people as well as investors has provided what is perhaps an illusion of growth and stability. The economy can only sustain that sort of pressure for so long before something gives. Like a leaking tire that is constantly having air pumped into it.
All things considered, plus a good number I've not mentioned, make it I think the safest bet to stay put for right now. I work with some great people, the work is challenging, and the plant is likely to continue to be a going concern for the indefinite future. We're a fairly small producer compared to many with an output of about 200 metric tonnes a day, but big enough to support our customer base plus also be the swing producer when our competitors experience problems or their customers are shopping around for a new supplier.
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Andrew, I think the comments have covered everything—except you have good taste in films. Too bad we don’t live a tad closer than different countries.
When we were first married we loved watching old movies together. Elwy Yost and Saturday Night at the Movies on TV Ontario was always a date night. We used to also stay up late in bed to listen to old episodes of Orson Welles' The Third Man on the radio. With cable-TV, kids, busier lives that fell out of common practice. My xW would often fall asleep in front of the TV watching her "true crime" shows which I don't care for and I'd often have to go down and wake her up after midnight to get some sleep in a proper bed. She did love watching TV and eating snacks.
It's a bit surprising to me how having my own media server has made such a difference in how I consume media. Having the ability to watch anything in my collection on any device on a whim is a game-changer. The total cost for the Raspberry PI4 plus external disk to run Plex was about $200 Cdn - could be done a lot cheaper I would imagine.
I don’t connect “dating” and “moving in together”. I think it’s interesting that in your mind those two concepts are so linked. You have more to offer women than your home!
I chewed on this for a while this morning. You, kml, and Ginger are correct. They don't necessarily have to go together but in my mind if I were to date, it would be with the goal of a long term relationship. Sex is great and much to my surprise post divorce, middle-aged women can actually be interested in it, but TBH it's something that I can take or leave. It's not all that important to me. Could I be open to casual encounters? Maybe, but probably not going to happen and certainly isn't something that I can imagine going looking for.
Having someone to go to craft shows, antique and jumble shops, go hiking etc would be nice. Having someone (but not a large extended family
) to feed would be nice. Having someone to wake up next to would be nice. Sex would be nice too - don't get me wrong, I'm highly in favour of that.
A friend of mine who is about 8 years or so younger has a relationship with someone where they do both have their own houses and it seems to work well for them. In their cases, they both have kids at home too which is one of the reasons they haven't co-habitated.
But for me - a long term committed relationship which is the only sort I would be interested in - would involve eventual co-habitation. I was in my own opinion far too naive going in to dating the first go around and allowed / encouraged a commitment that involved cohabitation to soon. I also keep in mind that my time spent with "S" was a huge mistake on all levels. I allowed myself to be pushed into making choices that were not good for me at all.
The good thing is that I now know there is no rush, no pressure to find anyone to share my life with. I have no need for a nurse, a purse, housekeeper, or a hooker. Unlike when I was first left alone for the first time in my adult life, I don't have any issues contemplating a life spent as a bachelor.
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Probably because I saw her yesterday, had another xW dream where we were a couple again as if nothing had happened. I can't imagine a scenario where we would ever get back together though. As the poet Randy Travis opined "Now you're just an old song nobody sings anymore"
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Ah well - enough philosophy. The tea pot is almost empty. I got word from the plant earlier that we'll be able to manage a couple of swing loads that I can make a home for so I have some math to do for that. I have a small pork roast in the slow cooker and a loaf of bread rising for Sunday Supper. Going to make scalloped potatoes as well. I invited my son over since we can't go out for brunch with the current lockdowns. Hopefully the weather holds - there talk of freezing rain followed by squalls. I'm not sure if his regular Sunday night poker games are still going which happen around the corner from here but if so, then the timing works out well for him and if he needs to, he knows he can stay over here if the weather is bad.
Very few people are looking for a 58 (in a couple of months) year old "expert" - they expect the experts to be in their 30s.
I hear you. I remember being shocked a couple of years out of college when a large tech company "retired" someone in their mid-50s, and the ensuing comments management made about their age.
Age does cease to be an advantage somewhere around your 30s. If your skillset is in something that's been around, it's obvious most people with 5yrs experience will be much more competent than someone with 0yrs experience, but it's not so obvious someone with 20yrs experience will be much more competent than someone with 10yrs experience. It gets harder and harder as you age to prove your extra wisdom has clear monetary value in the technical market--diminishing returns.
Now, I mitigate this by keeping on-top of new technologies. Often, knowing older technologies allows me to understand the reality (vs. hype) of new technologies more quickly, especially when similar attempts have been made before. With age tends to come reliability and more professional relationships which can make things happen quickly in a pinch, even if I no longer work 12 hours days, am not willing to stay up past midnight, and am not willing to give up many weekends.
So Andy P I think just about everyone on here is looking for a long term relationship that eventually leads to cohabitation. It’s a process. Everything you described you want can be done while living in separate homes until you make the joint decision to move in together for the right reasons. You have these derogatory terms like nurse and purse that will open happen to you if you allow it to happen. Lots of women out there are looking for a nice guy to spend time with without expectations. Just have to find them.
I imagine that dating someone who is financially stable who has their own place with no urgency to get out of it.
I imagine it would be a whole new experience not dating someone who needs rescuing or a roof over your head, uou can take the time to really date someone and get to know someone. And it could be YEARS before anyone moves in together. I think it would be very new to you, but very rewarding
Once again ginger nails it. I hate to use the word normal but I also think doing some normal, perhaps typical, dating would be a totally new experience. It’s not typical (normal) for the new R to become a live together sitch within months. It’s not typical (normal) or healthy for either person to push, course, force or demand they move in under threat of break up after only a few months. Living together or marriage should happen naturally after a year or more of getting to know everything about the person. What are they like with money, how do they handle stress, what is their family like, what are their friends like. What do they value and enjoy. What are they like when sick. There is so much to learn than can’t happen in weeks or a few months.
You should not have to be able to live and get along with anyone. That’s not a partnership - that’s a friendship or coworker arrangement. It’s getting along with your person, the right one, the one in a million match. Not, well she’s available and I think I can make it work. That’s not a partnership. Ginger is very correct. A healthy typical (normal) dating arrangement might be a totally new and at first foreign experience. But it’s what I really hope you do experience next time.
Andrew - raise your right hand a repeat after me:
“I will not live with anybody until we have dated a minimum of two years!”
(Seems to me you need an extra long waiting period).
I’m sure you’re correct about the ageism at work - I see it all the time with my patients in their 50’s.
You’ll be able to squirrel away even more money once the alimony is done.
Yea Andrew! Someone to share interests with! Flea markets, hikes, dinners, cooking. Not, financial support , nursing and whatever else.
You never gave yourself the chance to do any of this. You just moved broke women kr women with housing issues right on in without actually dating.
And the right person for you will be someone you can share interests with and eventually move in together one day in the future ( like KML said, 2 years) and she will contribute the household financially and physically.
I think there is some really fabulous, special lady out there somewhere just waiting for you to ride on on your white steed and swoop her up. My only comment outside of that would be to heed everyone's advice about not moving in too soon, but I think you already have that down pat.
You're a catch, Andrew, and some day you'll find just the right one to make you realize that you are worth far more than just a decent abode and financial stability.
Now, for the important matters...your weather is down here drunk showing out in my yard. Come get it and take it the h3ll home because I'm OVER "winter" already.
Well ... Got the Facebook reminder that I was officially divorced 4 years ago today.
I looked back at what I posted around that time and found this treasure.
a moment of silence to honor what has passed.
a moment of silence to honor what is now.
a moment of silence to honor what will be.
I didn't get the official notice via email until the 23rd and when I read back in my thread I see that my X-in-laws both died right around then as well. Would have been quite the tough time for my xW I am sure. I recall being told by my daughter how furious she was at her sister who listed OM as her partner on the obituary. Her siblings were very supportive of her affair I know perhaps because both of them cheated on their own spouses and stayed married.
It seems like so very long ago - much more than 4 years. Of course there were the 2 years before that where first I fought hard for my marriage and then let it go once I realized that she had made her choice to continue with OM vs trying again with me. I think she always had thought of me as a backup plan - good ole reliable AndrewP
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It was interesting to read back as well that it was at this same time 4 years ago that "C" first reached out to me to go out. We'd met a year or so previously at her Dad's funeral and kept in touch. I think that it was a few months previously (4 years ago) that her own husband had gone a-wandering but she kept it quiet so I had assumed she was still part of a couple and dodged the suggestion.
I reached out to her a day or so ago to see how she and her kids are doing. Her daughter is off in Central America on her mission trip now and C and her son are back home safely. I'd been hearing news from where they had been that the Covid thing was very bad there but she said that they had no issues and had been very careful. It was tricky to phrase my check-in question in such a way to let her know that I both had a concern and also full confidence that she could deal with whatever came her way.
I think she's probably in a better place than she was when we did date about 2 years ago for a short while. Not sure though and even though we are planning on getting together to catch up when circumstances permit, I'm being very "just friends". She's a great person, but as the current phrase around here goes, I'm reluctant to touch the stove in case it's hot.
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D's weather from Central Kanukistan has arrived here so sorry Dawn, our weather had to divert to AK. -26C this morning. I left the laundry room door open a bit to keep the pipes from freezing. There's no insulation in the walls of this old house - that's they way they built them in the late 19th century. I have lots of insulation in the attic though. My oil furnace does manage largely to keep up although in part that's because I keep the thermostat down.
The law of heat conduction, also known as Fourier's law, states that the rate of heat transfer through a material is proportional to the negative gradient in the temperature and to the area, at right angles to that gradient, through which the heat flows.
On the other hand I just was informed yesterday that I will indeed get an annual bonus this year and it's also pretty generous. Essentially 2 weeks pay showing up. For the first time I think, I have no outstanding bills to consider nor any adventures planned so I'm going to put it into my contingency fund category in my budget. One of my savings goals is to have 3 month's salary saved up there and I'm now up to about 1 1/2 months. I do badly need to replace the back porch on the house which has been an issue for 30+ years so maybe that will happen this year.
Someone mentioned to me that my xW must be frustrated to see me doing well financially (I'm sure she hears things), being able to go on trips (albeit cancelled) and live fairly comfortably, have a new car etc. All the things she used to enjoy when we were together. Not my issue - if she's true to habit, she should be cashing her monthly support payment today. She's very punctilious about doing that on the 15th as per our agreement even though the money is usually available a few days earlier. I was paying bills earlier this week and sent that along at that time.
Well. The tea pot is empty, I've reviewed last week's lab results and yesterday's production numbers. One of the tanks is a bit higher than it should be but that could be explained if the plant issues we had yesterday caused another temporary shut-down. When we start up the plant we run production into a secondary lower quality tank for a while. We have a couple of railcars to load before Monday night though that we can mix this in with to get rid of it. A couple of tonnes in a 90 tonne load makes no material difference. The pH of one of our product lines seems a bit high too so I'll need to check later on what's going on with that as well as if we did have a production issue - looks like maybe around 7:00pm yesterday.
Off to bundle up and get my groceries and flowers for the week then housework.
A bientot mes amis
Good Morning Andrew
Four years. Funny how it’s seems much longer for some things and far shorter for others. I had to actual think of when my divorce date was. Much like you I suspect we knew those dates front and center back then. Now, it’s somewhere in the background.
D's weather from Central Kanukistan has arrived here so sorry Dawn, our weather had to divert to AK. -26C this morning.
No need to return that weather Andrew/Dawn. Feel free hang on to it. Lol.
It is suppose to be -1C here tomorrow. Ha, crazy weather.
My abode was constructed with similar era philosophies. I insulated the basement walls and altered the heat transfer constant for my three foot thick granite wall foundation. Thus further impeding the molecular transfer of energy from my cosy warm house to the freezing outside environment. Can’t stop the heat flow, but can alter its rate; additional medium and greater overall distance of energy transfer. Still, Mother Nature managed to freeze one of my pipes. Lol. Keep that laundry room door open.
Congratulations on the bonus. And on your financial situation. No outstanding bills. Yay!
Bundle up while out getting groceries. I’m off to clear the latest snow fall. You could take that too, if you like. I won’t mind.
D
Hard pass on the cold weather. It is 36 here right now and we’re under a winter weather advisory, expecting precipitation tonight. Fortunately the high tomorrow is 50 so nothing lingering, but we Southern folks do NOT do well with this kind of thing. I can handle tornadoes, snakes, mosquitoes, 2000% humidity, but just no with this winter crap.
I can handle tornadoes, snakes, mosquitoes, 2000% humidity, but just no with this winter crap.
no to tornadoes, snakes (venomous variety I am trying to get along with the garter snakes who live here), allergic to mosquito bites, cannot stand humidity (bad hair days are no fun) ... I'll take winter, thank you!
And Autumn!
It’s 10
Degrees here. Goddamn freezing
Well I actually had to wear a sweater to the grocery store just now because it was 66 degrees - does that count?
it's 6 here. I went over to Mom's to check things. Didn't feel like 6, felt really comfy - like it was maybe 30. No wind!
Stars were beautiful. Moon will be full Monday night!
Can I return 2022? This isn't the year I ordered.
I'm off-site today to be able to go "in to town" to get my booster shot - doing what I can to keep my community safe. That made it hard to deal with some various work issues that normally I'd just walk out and look at.
This morning one of buildings was filled with steam - water fortunately - that caused all sorts of issues especially once it condensed. A valve going to our turbine located in the same building left open is the estimated cause. Nothing got ruined but a lot of water ended up on product which does it no harm. Fortunately we're not shipping today. The bulk of our product is clear colourless liquids that are indistinguishable from water so any moisture is a worry. I carry a tube of pH paper that will investigate random puddles I sometimes encounter.
It also turned out that the railway pulled out the wrong railcar last night so that's going to be a pain to sort out. It took me three tries to figure out how to document it. The railway thinks they have the car that I want them to have but it's physically on our siding still.
Work generally continues to be challenging. I just did up my self-assessment for my annual review and it's not great. I'm used to being a top performer and I'm not. My boss is one of the more annoying types of micro-managers. Although I know he truly cares about his people, he has a lot of trust issues and spends a lot of time second guessing and double-checking. Sometimes catching things that are really important (he missed the railway mix-up).
Weather has been weird here too. Areas to the south and east of me got blasted with a blizzard on Monday. It was fine here but pretty snowy at the plant. Yesterday driving in there was a vibration in the front end of my car. I pulled over when it was safe to do so and no flat tire so I figure there's some ice stuck inside my wheel well. It's gotten warmer today, back up above freezing
I did go out earlier today and cleared much of the snow from my drive since it's supposed to get colder again and I didn't want the 3" or so of snow I have to freeze solid.
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I got the Valentines cards off to the kids a few days ago. I allow extra time especially to get mail to my daughter on the other side of the continent and my son isn't real reliable about checking his mail. I had tried to mail a hard drive with some backups and family pictures that my daughter was looking for but that got held up a week or so ago for secondary inspection for some reason so I included a SD card with the pictures I believe she's looking for into her card. It will also be her 9th "2nd" anniversary - where does the time go. Because she married someone from a different country their marriage couldn't be legal until her visa got approved so they had a second "legal" wedding that just by chance happened on Valentines Day - sweet. I celebrate both.
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The thing that brought me here today is just to mutter and complain about what seem to be an increasing number of dreams involving my xW and us living a normal post-reconciliation life. It's not something I'm looking for, nor even wanting. The person she turned out to be isn't someone I could ever trust again and I can't imagine her ever becoming that person. She had a laissez-faire attitude towards the truth when we were married and never apologized meaningfully for anything. Occasionally yelling "so I'm sorry OK" at me never really cut it. And on top of that she's in a relationship with someone else that is now entering it's 7th year.
Not sure why these are ramping up and what my subconscious is trying to process here. I have zero dreams about the two women I was involved in post divorce. I certainly am somewhat lonely and like was discussed on bttrfly's thread recently, it is different for such a long term relationship. I essentially spent my entire adult life with her up until the end. At this point, according to my math it's been 75% of my adult life with 25% being post bomb-day now. Time does grind along.
Not much else happening. I'm going to celebrate Robbie Burns Day on Sunday. I sent a note to my son but doubt he'll show up even though I do believe that he does have an appreciation for haggis. He's finally got his driving test appointment for his full license but it's hours away and I think he's going to go up on the Sunday and stay over. It will be quite the load off his mind to have that done. One nice thing about being a bachelor is that I can establish new traditions etc without having to worry about others. When I was married I always wanted to go out to the formal Burns Suppers that are around here. Doing it on my own is a lot of fun too but something I never would have imagined back then. There may even be poetry. Actually no. There "will" be poetry.
Well - time for lunch then get in for my shot.
Stay safe everyone.
Can I return 2022? This isn't the year I ordered.
Uh oh! Most people are looking forward to a better 2022 and putting 2020-2021 in their rear view mirror!
The thing that brought me here today is just to mutter and complain about what seem to be an increasing number of dreams involving my xW and us living a normal post-reconciliation life. It's not something I'm looking for, nor even wanting.
Dreams can be tough, outside of your control. Thoughts you'd rather ignore pop up unexpectedly and without welcome.
And on top of that she's in a relationship with someone else that is now entering it's 7th year.
I haven't read your full history, but assume that's with OM/AP? I imagine that could be a bit triggering. I'm sure a lot of folks on here, myself included, have pictured a terrible ending to the relationship between their WAS/WS and AP.
Not sure why these are ramping up and what my subconscious is trying to process here. I have zero dreams about the two women I was involved in post divorce. I certainly am somewhat lonely and like was discussed on bttrfly's thread recently, it is different for such a long term relationship. I essentially spent my entire adult life with her up until the end. At this point, according to my math it's been 75% of my adult life with 25% being post bomb-day now. Time does grind along.
You probably answered your own question here - the duration of your relationship with ExW is much longer with a deeper impact than the post-D women.
My interpretation of the dreams is just that you are starting to think again about the possibility of getting into a relationship, and these is just the closest images you have of being in a sorta ok relationship. Good for you to note that people who play fast and loose with the truth, and who cannot apologize, are big red flags for you. Remember that.
Funny - I had a dream about crazy ex-boyfriend a week or so ago. We were crossing a street and he reached out to hold my hand. I back up and yelled "You are NOT my boyfriend!" lolol. Clearly a response to what I see as his attempts to peek his nose into the tent after my boyfriend's death. I've made it very clear to him I am never getting back together with him but he still pines.
I haven't read your full history, but assume that's with OM/AP? I imagine that could be a bit triggering. I'm sure a lot of folks on here, myself included, have pictured a terrible ending to the relationship between their WAS/WS and AP.
At one point I would have liked to see that but TBH I don't actively want anything bad to happen to her. As some people say, karma is being them. I certainly don't want to see her to come sniffing back looking for a Plan B.
My interpretation of the dreams is just that you are starting to think again about the possibility of getting into a relationship, and these is just the closest images you have of being in a sorta ok relationship. Good for you to note that people who play fast and loose with the truth, and who cannot apologize, are big red flags for you. Remember that.
Indeed. I used to say that she spoke the truth as she wanted it to be. Could be that's the way she still operates. That's just a relabeling I used to make it more acceptable to me.
I still love this quote
"It's not as simple as that. It's not a black and white issue. There are so many shades of gray."
"Nope."
"Pardon?"
"There's no grays, only white that's got grubby. I'm surprised you don't know that. And sin, young man, is when you treat people like things. Including yourself. That's what sin is."
At one point I would have liked to see that but TBH I don't actively want anything bad to happen to her. As some people say, karma is being them.
You have come a long way if you are being honest. It wasn't long ago you were wishing death as karma for the OM.
I certainly don't want to see her to come sniffing back looking for a Plan B.
What makes you so sure that you are plan B?
I think to the MLCer we are ALWAYS plan B. Now, as to what it might take for them to try to come back to PLan B - that varies a lot depending on the person and the situation. But if you were a good spouse, and have your act together, there's probably always a part of the WAS who thinks they could go back if things got bad enough in their own life.
Now, my ex couldn't possibly dig himself an economic hole big enough that he would need any financial stability from me (I think, anyway). And he could probably always use his money to attract another woman if his child bride were to dump him. And I'm pretty sure he knows I wouldn't have him back on a silver platter. So I don't expect that he would ever try to come back. That's not to say he might not have moments when he misses the things I brought to the relationship - I'm sure he must.
But if Andrew's ex were to get booted by her boyfriend/OM, and had run out of alimony dollars, and there's nice guy Andrew with his paid off house and his tidy habits - sure, I bet in her mind she flatters herself that she could always go back to him if she needed. But she doesn't know that ship has sailed. The users always think they can go back to using their previous victims. Because they were victims, right? They mostly haven't figured out that we're not chumps anymore.
For a person to want to go back to a relationship that desperately wanted to get out of something drastic would have to be different. So the LBS has to make major changes for this this happen. Most do not hence the LBS is rarely plan B. More like plan Q.
LH you would be surprised at the number of MLCers who do eventually try to reconcile with the LBS. And most MLCers leave not because of their marriage but because of their own issues - often depression, addiction, fear of death and dying or aging. If you're depressed and you don't know why, and you get that addictive brain buzz from infatuation and it temporarily relieves your depression, then many people think the answer must lie in running off with that person. Once that infatuation wears off, many sadly wake up to the mess and fallout from blowing up their marriages. The more true MLC they are, the more likely they will wake up one day and regret what they have done. However a healthy LBS will often have moved on by the time that happens (as they should, because there is no guarantee this will happen, and it often takes years).
ost unfaithful spouses aren't unfaithful because of their spouses, but because of their own demons and character flaws.
(And someone who just was unhappy in their marriage but didn't have those demons and character flaws would simply leave the marriage first before they started seeing other people.
(And someone who just was unhappy in their marriage but didn't have those demons and character flaws would simply leave the marriage first before they started seeing other people.
Heck, some of us with demons are capable of leaving before seeing others.
Heck, some of us with demons are capable of leaving before seeing others.
That is how grown-ups are supposed to do it.
I was left hanging for the better part of a year and she seemed quite shocked and upset when I threw in the towel. And then there was the "lurking in the shrubberies" event when I did start dating years later.
I can't speak to whether she was fighting demons / MLC / menopause or aliens from the Planet Fruitbat taking over her. Or if she was just being selfish and made some choices that led her down whatever path she took. She certainly had a "lot" of anger at the world after her affair started and unlike in many circumstances we read here, none of it was ever aimed at me. Even her friends said that she never had anything bad to say about me. Even after she left.
Because it wasn't about you, Andrew. It wasn't about me either.
"aliens from the Planet Fruitbat" lolol
Because it wasn't about you, Andrew. It wasn't about me either.
It was about a life they didn't want anymore so again I ask the question, why would they want to come back?
Because it wasn't about you, Andrew. It wasn't about me either.
It was about a life they didn't want anymore so again I ask the question, why would they want to come back?
As usual LH, your question has assumptions about things you don't know. And is truly irrelevant because I have no interest in her coming back.
Not all marriages ended like your's.
As usual LH, your question has assumptions about things you don't know.
Well that's why I asked the question.
And is truly irrelevant because I have no interest in her coming back.
Pretty sure you might be fooling yourself Andy P.
Not all marriages ended like your's.
Nah they pretty much did. W or H not happy and saw a better life with someone else. Now you can add MLC, PMS, STD etc. to your story if that helps you sleep at night but they all have the same ending.
I have to go with my buddy Andrew on this one. Just because they were unhappy when they left doesn't mean there isn't a possibility that they might want to circle back at some point for whatever weird reason. (That's a whole lot of negatives in one sentence so hopefully you get my point.) While I might agree to a certain point that most marriages (I won't say all, but will definitely concur that most is accurate) basically end because someone is unhappy and all that other stuff (MLC, affairs, etc.) is superfluous, even WAS sometimes come back to the person they ditched to begin with. I can think of several people I know personally who were married to the same person more than once. I'm sure some of you probably know someone who has done that as well. Some people do come back for a 2nd chance. Some LBS accept, some don't. Everyone is different so beyond generalizing that most marriages end because one party is unhappy, I don't think you can easily compare one situation to the next. I'll be the first to say that mine ended because my XH was unhappy. He thought the grass would be greener and while he portrays himself as being happy with his current wife, he's still battling a lot of the demons he was battling when we were married, at least according to the girls. What I hear from them is the difference between my marriage to him and his current marriage is that I tried to help him get past things while his current wife enables him. It is what it is. He won't ever circle back to me and I'm perfectly ok with that because I'm not a second chance kind of person. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. So, when he walked away the first time, I slammed the door and put the hammer down to move forward without him. His loss.
My ex isn't happy no matter where he is. I think the only thing keeping him from cheating on his current wife is age.
And how do I know it wasn't about me? Aside from the time he woke up after first MLC affair and was incredibly remorseful and told be how much he loved me and how he couldn't believe he had done what he did? Aside from the fact that I was a loving, supportive, intelligent, easy-going spouse and we had a great sex life even after 26 years together? Maybe it's the fact that every single man I have dated since my divorce has asked me WTH my ex was thinking giving me up? Maybe it's the fact that the only excuse he could make was that I "walked too heavy"???
Depressed people look around for an explanation for why they are depressed, even if the problem is purely biochemical in their brains. Eventually some people look at their spouse and think "It must be them making me depressed!" Then those of little character start an affair, get a buzz from the infatuation chemicals, and decide that's their solution.
Do people leave unhappy marriages? Sure, all the time. But they don't usually cheat, lie and steal on the way out. The cheaters are mostly the sociopaths or the MLCers (or often both) or the clinically depressed who have underlying character issues.
If my ex had legitimately left because I wasn't a good wife and he was unhappy because of the marriage, how come he still isn't happy now? And has ruined his relationships with our adult children? None of that has to do with me. It's all about him and his issues.
Believe me, I've looked long and hard at myself, DB'd my behind off in my marriage, made changes right and left - it wasn't about me, and no amount of pretzeling was going to change the outcome in the end. Because it was about him, not me.
Lol. K Sometimes I wonder if you read my posts. I never said your H left because of you. I said he left a life that he was not happy with which involved you. Hypothetically if he wanted to comeback and you took him back if nothing changed he's going to walk again down the line, because he really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together. (i.e. you walking to heavy).
So, when he walked away the first time, I slammed the door and put the hammer down to move forward without him. His loss.
I so wish I had this attitude day 1.
Lol. K Sometimes I wonder if you read my posts. I never said your H left because of you. I said he left a life that he was not happy with which involved you. Hypothetically if he wanted to comeback and you took him back if nothing changed he's going to walk again down the line, because he really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together. (i.e. you walking to heavy).
I agree with Andrew and kml - a WAS will leave for reasons internal to them - barring addiction or abuse of course. The WAS leaves because they think they can get something better. If they circle back, and very often they do, it's because they realise they're wrong about that. They get something
different, not better.
I've seen cases of the WAS coming back after realising the changes needed to be made within. Kudos to them - but I agree, the LBS is taking a big risk letting them back into their lives. If those changes aeren't made with true intent the situation you describe will absolutely come to pass.
So, when he walked away the first time, I slammed the door and put the hammer down to move forward without him. His loss.
I so wish I had this attitude day 1.
One of the few things I did right. LOL I have NEVER been a 2nd chance person though, so that made it easy for me to be able to just go, ok, you want out, well, don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you, bud. He could come crawling back right now, even if I didn't have Sparky, and it would take every ounce of couth I have in my whole entire fat girl body not to laugh like a donkey right in his face.
Happy sunny Sunday from Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan. Snow squalls are forecast for the afternoon but I'm not planning on going anywhere. I'll probably clean the driveway out after lunch if I'm feeling optimistic.
I finally finished reading The Man Who Was Thursday by GK Chesterton yesterday. A bit of a tough chew at the beginning but a stunningly excellent ending. There was a quote from there that I wanted to chew on for a while.
"I wish I knew why I was hurt so much"The character who said that was one who was humiliated and abused by the main antagonist (as were most of the other characters) and was given a chance to ask a question at the end of the book. It was never answered.
It hit home because like that character, even if I could ask that question, I would not get an answer and while I have accepted that I never will get any sort of answer, the lack of one does still haunt me. Less and less as time goes on certainly, but I expect there will always be the echo of that question in my memories.
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Enough of that. In a couple of days it will be Robbie Burns Day. I have everything in hand to make up my haggis, neeps and tatties for dinner tonight. I don't usually have dessert but will do up a small pound cake using my cut-down version of "Jeannie's" recipe. My book of Burns verses is close to hand and will keep me company. I've not seen my son for some weeks but certainly don't expect him tonight. Tomorrow at long last he's taking his final driving test and the only appointment he could get back in the summer was for tomorrow and a 4-5 hour drive away from home - staff shortages and covid protocols have been an issue all over for a long time now. I recall he said that he was going to drive up the night before and stay over so as to be fresh for his test. Fingers crossed but I'm sure he'll do well.
Speaking of shortages, it's been making it's way around social media but I did notice quite a few empty shelves during my Saturday shop. Mostly frozen products are in short supply. Transport companies I know are hurting right now. The railway canceled our service (again) last Thursday because they couldn't put a crew together for our run. Normal it appears is only a setting on my dryer.
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Had an odd circumstance happen to me yesterday. As those who play the home game may recall, one of my pleasures is to have a nice soak in the tub and I get bath bombs from "P"'s shop around the corner. Someone I like and consider a "friendly acquaintance" but not someone I would date for multiple reasons that have been discussed here in the past. I was in the bake-shop across the street from her shop when she comes in to hand me a bath bomb that she said that her daughter did up special for me to try. I raised my eyebrows a bit because it was labeled "Dead Sexy". It supposedly had "masculine" scents to it and she wanted my opinion. I tried it last night while finishing my book - very nice. I find that the bath bombs her daughter makes have mixtures of essential oils that make for a very relaxing tub. I posted a picture on my social media feed tagging her and her daughter's businesses and mentioning that I quite liked it. My 96 followers plus perhaps also random lurkers may or may not be "influenced"
Not sure if this indicates that she thinks I'm sexy and that she's interested in getting our middle-aged "thang" going. Intrigued, but not interested. A good change for me I think to know when someone would not be healthy for me. I had actually stocked up on bath bombs last week so probably won't need to go in to her shop for over a month.
I was thinking this morning about the businesses in my little village and the surprising number of them that are run by women. Of the 11 businesses on the main street or general area, 6 of them are run by women. 3 craft / crafting shops, the bake shop, a printing business and a furniture restorer. Makes me kind of proud. The others are generally family run where both partners work in the business.
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Had an odd texting chat with "C" this past week. She opened with "do you believe in Bigfoot". After the obligatory joke about the size of my own feet I went into a bit of a discussion of "ghost populations" of homids and my own belief that many of these could have survived into near historical times. Those "hobbits" that were an archaic population that lived in Indonesia are an example. I believe I passed a test. I hear from C / reach out to her every few weeks. No clue on what sort of direction that may or may not go, but she's also a "friendly acquaintance" who happens to be single. I get the feeling that in her past marriage that she was cut down for her opinions so the fact that I'm pretty open-minded about a lot of things, especially things I know I don't understand is perhaps a new experience for her. I could have been dismissive of the question or mocked it, but that's not who I am. I joked that she should never underestimate how seriously I'll take any question.
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Well - time to check in with the plant. Sundays are usually my day to get my inbox completely cleaned and do some forward planning for the week. I also have a project that I had committed to have done by the end of last week that I have to put the finishing touches on so it will largely be an office day today along with the normal cooking, cleaning, ironing etc.
Hasta Luego
I’ll answer it for you. People typically leave a relationship for one or two reasons. Loss of attraction and/or they don’t see a happy future together. Mystery solved.
As for masculine bath bombs. Come on bro those three words should never be in the same sentence.
LH - nope. Not it. People (or at least the kinds of WAS’s we see here) leave because they’re depressed and want the high of infatuation, or because they’re bored and just want some “strange”, or because they fear death and aging and want a younger partner who doesn’t inconveniently remind them of their own mortality.
My ex actually stated to me, as he was leaving the marriage, that he knew he’d never have sex that good again! It wasn’t about him not finding me attractive, or me not being a good partner. It was about him trying to fill a hole inside him that had nothing to do with me.
Andrew - my response to your question would be the Buddhist phrase - all suffering comes from desire. If we didn’t want or need our spouses, we wouldn’t be broken up over the betrayal. Someone who didn’t like their spouse and was thinking of leaving themselves might be temporarily insulted that they didn’t get to leave first, but then would be happy at the outcome. Those people aren’t here. Most of us are here because we loved our spouses and wanted our marriages to work.
Letting go is essential to healing. I’ve also noticed that, the more independent financially the LBS is, the faster they seem to heal - they still have to get over the love, but the need is not as great.
Rejection and betrayal feel terrible for everybody, but for some it also brings up echoes of family of origin stuff. For those people it’s also harder to let go, and harder to recover.
Also -Andrew I wouldn’t read anything into the name on the bath bomb, that’s just the daughter’s marketing tool. And take all the bath bomb baths you want - men who are secure in their sexuality don’t need to worry that a fragrant bath makes them unmasculine!
Well there you go Andrew take what K said which is the long version of what I said and that should give you some closure.
Chin up tits out!
Truth be told, nobody leaves a marriage they were happy and satisfied in.
Andrew, her marketing is working well, making men feel desired and sexy! She knows what she is doing, I imagine the bath bombs will sell well
Also -Andrew I wouldn’t read anything into the name on the bath bomb, that’s just the daughter’s marketing tool. And take all the bath bomb baths you want - men who are secure in their sexuality don’t need to worry that a fragrant bath makes them unmasculine!
LOL - I can assure you that I don't take anything LH says as any sort of guide on how to conduct myself
Quite the opposite in fact.
Letting go is essential to healing. I’ve also noticed that, the more independent financially the LBS is, the faster they seem to heal - they still have to get over the love, but the need is not as great.
That's an interesting point. I've never thought of that before - probably because it's not my lived experience. I can certainly see that in some ways because the loss is of not only the emotional connection, but also practical things and expectations. From a practical point of view, I've certainly gained more than I lost. Emotionally I've gained too but that's because of the forced introspection and self-examination that was part of my process.
Emotionally I've gained too but that's because of the forced introspection and self-examination that was part of my process.
That’s the gift in all this, isn’t it?
Truth be told, nobody leaves a marriage they were happy and satisfied in.
Unless they are just intrinsically unhappy and/or dissatisfied and it has nothing to do with the marriage or their spouse. Which is all too often the case. All the pretzeling in the world and deep personal work and DBing didn’t save my marriage in the end (although it did for a while) because my ex’s depression, dissatisfaction and narcissism had nothing to do with me or our marriage.
Cheaters cheat because they want to, because they’re selfish, because they’re depressed and vulnerable to the high, because they enjoy the thrill of getting away with something - not because their spouses failed them. Honorable people in legit unhappy marriages leave first then date.
Oh yeah, I’m not saying the LBS is the cause of the WAS being unhappy in the marriage.
They simply don’t leave if they are happy in the marriage.
So I will say it again. People leave relationships for typically 2 reasons. Loss of attraction and/or they don't see a happy future together. Nothing more to see here. Onward and upward!
NO, it's not necessarily about loss of attraction. Cheaters can still be perfectly well attracted to their spouses but still want the thrill of cheating. Many admit later that they never had it so good as they did in their marriages - they just went for that cocaine high of infatuation. You can love chocolate ice cream but decide you want cheesecake one day, just because you want some strange.
NO, it's not necessarily about loss of attraction. Cheaters can still be perfectly well attracted to their spouses but still want the thrill of cheating. Many admit later that they never had it so good as they did in their marriages - they just went for that cocaine high of infatuation. You can love chocolate ice cream but decide you want cheesecake one day, just because you want some strange.
But we are talking about cheaters who chose to leave. It’s not for the thrill.
My ex said to me as he was dropping the bomb he “still finds me hot”
But attraction comes from more than physical. Many lose attraction otherwise.
Cheaters who cheat for the thrill don’t leave. They cheat until they get caught and get kicked out.
My ex is a serial cheater who left because he wasn’t happy in the M . He wanted a woman to worship him and put him on a pedestals and that was me anymore .
I think he still cheats, but he isn’t going to leave because he is happy with his situation with his wife.
NO, it's not necessarily about loss of attraction. Cheaters can still be perfectly well attracted to their spouses but still want the thrill of cheating. Many admit later that they never had it so good as they did in their marriages - they just went for that cocaine high of infatuation. You can love chocolate ice cream but decide you want cheesecake one day, just because you want some strange.
K I wonder if you actually ever read my posts. Loss of attraction
and/or they don't see a happy future together. Nothing more to see here. Onward and upward!
Loss of attraction isn't necessary physical. Resentment typically leads to loss of attraction. Whether the resentment towards the LBS is warranted or not is another story. A lot is unmet expectations. Your H saw a better life with his AP then he did with you. Until he says otherwise those are the facts and they are undisputable. Same for all of us.
Ginger1,
I think he still cheats, but he isn’t going to leave because he is happy with his situation with his wife.
Interesting. Any specific reason to believe he's cheated on her, or are you just guessing?
Ginger1,
I think he still cheats, but he isn’t going to leave because he is happy with his situation with his wife.
Interesting. Any specific reason to believe he's cheated on her, or are you just guessing?
There is not one girlfriend since a young age he has never cheated on. Not a single one he has ever been faithful to. If the opportunity arises, I have no doubt he would jump on it . I mean, unless this man grew some morals , he would absolutely cheat .
Andrew,
Please start a new thread and link both of your threads together. Thanks!
Cheaters cheat because they want to, because they’re selfish, because they’re depressed and vulnerable to the high, because they enjoy the thrill of getting away with something - not because their spouses failed them. Honorable people in legit unhappy marriages leave first then date.
i'd add a sense of entitlement, because they somehow believe they "deserve" more, younger, better, whatever it is they think will fix the glaring hole inside of them.
Yes, definitely entitlement in my ex's case.
I've kept largely quiet during this debate - mainly because I don't want to get really dragged into an argument with people who have a fundamentally different world view than I do. I have a lot better things to do - like check my toenails for lint
I honestly don't "know" what drove my xW to cheat and then continue to cheat. Her "it just happened" could only hold so much water. The key thing was her refusal to stop. And also refusing to make a choice / decision. It was me that threw the towel in and requested a divorce which I still think shocked her. I know that when I called her and gave her that final ultimatum she could do nothing other than weep.
Was she selfish and entitled? Yeah - largely and always was. Knowing her family, it was certainly baked into her genetics. I honestly don't think she went "looking" for an affair which in no way in my opinion takes away from the fact that she had one. I'm also confident that she wasn't wanting to let go of me and our life without nailing down her new one. Something that from my limited knowledge wasn't an easy thing to do which is undoubtedly at least part of her "monkey branching".
I hate applying labels to people and it's easy to toss them around as simple explanations of the complex. In the end though, she was a selfish jerk who I think went out of her way to give me a decent divorce settlement all things considered.
Andrew,
Please start a new thread and link both of your threads together. Thanks!
Not sure where things are going, but A future always happens
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2928861&#Post2928861