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Posted By: AndrewP Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 09/22/21 02:00 PM
Still a work in progress it seems.

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Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 09/26/21 04:26 PM
Some news.

I was at the house-warming party for a colleague yesterday afternoon. He's a nice young Sikh man that works as one of our engineers. I had intended on taking a gift but time got away from me and I showed up empty handed - it didn't seem to be a issue. It was fairly sparsely attended and mask free - I had to think hard about that. We all stood fairly spread out and I made sure to be by an open window.

His wife seems quite nice although there certainly is more of a patriarchal environment there. Not my sort of thing but they seem happy. She seemed less than thrilled that her in-laws are soon coming from Punjab for an extended stay. She's not a quiet little mouse of a girl - quite - but the "man" is certainly in charge there and it's both his and her expectation. Not a sort of relationship that I would be comfortable in for sure.

I was surprised when it was commented that everyone was waiting for me to show up. It was mainly the management team plus myself and a couple of the guys from the plant so only a few people. It was pretty obvious to me especially when the camera came out that it was very important to this young man that the senior staff showed up to his home. A cultural thing perhaps.

I had to bow out earlier than the host would have like after 2 hours. I think they found my excuse that I had laundry to do odd - but the fact was that my bed had no sheets on it, there were 2 loads in progress and a third to do plus the kitchen had been left a mess. It was about 10:30 before I got that all squared away and was able to go to bed.

I also met my boss's wife who certainly is "different" - nice enough lady. Not quite what I imagined but then again, I didn't know what to imagine. The news was a couple of very pointed comments she made about her husband being able to retire as soon as I was able to take over from him. This has more or less been open knowledge for a lot of people including myself but never stated quite so directly and from an undoubtedly well informed source. I expect that the guys in the plant believe it too - guy is parachuted in from Corporate with no clear job responsibility and is suddenly involved in everything. Personally I doubt they would give me the title of President but regardless it's at least a couple of years away. Not 100% or even 75% sure I would want the job but it would certainly be interesting and I do have the basic set of skills and relationships with the other executives - actually beyond what the current President has in some ways.

One thing I'm having a bit of smug humour about is some of the challenges we are going through. My boss is currently doing all of the overall production planning and we've run into a situation where we have over and under-produced and he's had to scramble to actually buy product for us to re-sell or adjust the plant to produce product that we don't currently need. One of the things about a plant like this is that it's not just something you can turn on or off - it needs to be running at a particular minimum rate. If it were me that caused the tanks to go empty or to fill you can bet I'd hear about it strongly and clearly.

One thing I don't like about working for this person is he has a negative outlook. He doesn't trust his people to do their jobs properly and spends a lot of time double and cross-checking. I've heard him make negative comments about some staff members capabilities which I'm sure includes me. On the other hand, he has a huge amount of experience and knowledge and is very capable himself and never for a moment do I doubt that he cares about the people at the plant as individuals. He is at the core an engineer who has been drawn up into a senior management role in an environment where he doesn't have to be politically astute so perhaps that explains some of it.

As far as the job goes, I still need to figure out how to do the role I'm doing, whatever that actually is and survive. Going to have to put in a couple of hours today going through paperwork and planning out loads for the upcoming week. And I'm going to keep buying those couple of lottery tickets every now and then.

---

So - it's "cuffing season". I came to a decision over the past few days. I do think that I will probably date again. No hurry for it and no particular candidates that are influencing that decision, not even "C". I still can't see what life with some sort of part or full time partner would look like either. But I think I've gone down on the side of not just cruising along on my own indefinitely (hums the Baby shark tune do-do-de-do). Is it just the season that influences this? Dunno.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 09/26/21 05:39 PM
Good Morning Andrew

Originally Posted by AndrewP
…the fact was that my bed had no sheets on it, there were 2 loads in progress and a third to do plus the kitchen had been left a mess. It was about 10:30 before I got that all squared away and was able to go to bed.

Lol.

The other day I headed up to bed, late. Stayed up watching some movie. Walked into my bedroom and looked at my bare bed. Slapped forehead and at that moment remembered I washed the bedding. That’s washed the bedding, not dried. It was still in the machine. Lol. Another hour to dry it and an even later night than originally intended.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
The news was a couple of very pointed comments she made about her husband being able to retire as soon as I was able to take over from him. This has more or less been open knowledge for a lot of people including myself but never stated quite so directly and from an undoubtedly well informed source. I expect that the guys in the plant believe it too - guy is parachuted in from Corporate with no clear job responsibility and is suddenly involved in everything. Personally I doubt they would give me the title of President but regardless it's at least a couple of years away.

You might be surprised at the speed at which that could happen.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
…he has a negative outlook. He doesn't trust his people to do their jobs properly and spends a lot of time double and cross-checking. I've heard him make negative comments about some staff members capabilities which I'm sure includes me.

Negative comments can be warranted and even helpful when based upon facts and not made behind someone’s back. Gossip and backbiting always erodes one’s credibility and respect. Once those go, leadership is impossible. Management actions take over one’s behaviour from that point forward. One needs to display and have trust in their staff to lead effectively.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
…he has a huge amount of experience and knowledge and is very capable himself and never for a moment do I doubt that he cares about the people at the plant as individuals. He is at the core an engineer who has been drawn up into a senior management role in an environment where he doesn't have to be politically astute so perhaps that explains some of it.

Undoubtedly he cares. And yes, his engineering background may account for some of his personal interactions.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
As far as the job goes, I still need to figure out how to do the role I'm doing, whatever that actually is and survive.

I’m sure you are doing quite well.

Something I’m fairly sure you realize is that bosses are just folks like you and me.

I’ve worked and interfaced with management for 30+ years. If it wasn’t for my stubborn - no wait what is it called… determined. Yes that’s better. If it wasn’t for my determined attitude…. Nope that’s not quite right either.

If it wasn’t for my stubbornly determined attitude of remaining unqualified I’d have long ago been wearing a suit to work. I’d be in the management ranks.

These people are just as unsure as we are. In actuality, even more so. Their decisions can have hugely serious repercussions and are oftentimes quietly lamented over while we workers wonder what’s taking so long. Remember the company’s president was once a person without that title. Like you are. Then one day…

I’ve been a sounding board for many folks over my life. I’m not officially privy to much sensitive information. I do however command something that people open up to. I’ve been fortunate to see and hear the minds of quite a few people. Often, things are less decided and carved in stone the higher up you go. Although the appearance is opposite. A necessary facade. It’s not that it’s wrong, it’s that certain things are nebulous in nature and cannot be strictly pinned down. There is a fluidity one manages and responses too, while simultaneously promoting and leading. Well, the good bosses do.

For what’s it worth, you do display that trait. You’ve earned and are earning the trust and respect of the plant’s staff. You have the respect and faith of the corporate team. Step into the role you are there for, and lead. Not manage. Lead.

I’ve faith in you Andrew. It’s an interesting balance being decisive and leading while the behind the scene happenings are not all that secure. Thing is, it never gets secure. It’s the guy leading that gives things the needed security, and that isn’t supposed to be openly displayed. It can be harmful if it is. Quite a balance, IMHO.

Anyhow, that’s how I’ve experienced my role and leadership.

Hope Sunday is relaxing for you. Oh, and ensure your bed is made. I already made mine. smile

D
Posted By: Traveler Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 09/26/21 06:31 PM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
It was fairly sparsely attended and mask free - I had to think hard about that. We all stood fairly spread out and I made sure to be by an open window.
COVID etiquette and safety can be complicated. Someone who wants me to respect their choice to go maskless and vax-less should respect our choices if we wear a mask and get vax'd? wink

Originally Posted by AndrewP
Not a sort of relationship that I would be comfortable in for sure.
I've also seen the less common matriarchal families. To each their own!

Originally Posted by Andrew
I think they found my excuse that I had laundry to do odd - but the fact was that my bed had no sheets on it, there were 2 loads in progress and a third to do plus the kitchen had been left a mess. It was about 10:30 before I got that all squared away and was able to go to bed.
That's commitment--no wonder your house seems more tamed than mine!

Originally Posted by Andrew
This has more or less been open knowledge for a lot of people including myself but never stated quite so directly and from an undoubtedly well informed source.
Yay!

Originally Posted by Andrew
One thing I don't like about working for this person is he has a negative outlook. He doesn't trust his people to do their jobs properly and spends a lot of time double and cross-checking.
I wonder if he's ever had formal training in management? My management texts taught me to do that with junior employees, never senior ones--e.g., if you have relevant degrees/certifications and have been doing the job for over a year the double-checking gets much lighter. New managers often micro-manage, but it sounds like he's been doing this for more than 2-3 years. On the plus side if you do take his job that should make outperforming him as a manager (maybe not engineer) a snap.

Originally Posted by Andrew
So - it's "cuffing season". I came to a decision over the past few days. I do think that I will probably date again.
Wow--I thought my dating exploits had turned everyone off dating. wink
Posted By: BL42 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 09/28/21 02:24 AM
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by AndrewP
…the fact was that my bed had no sheets on it, there were 2 loads in progress and a third to do plus the kitchen had been left a mess. It was about 10:30 before I got that all squared away and was able to go to bed.

Lol.

The other day I headed up to bed, late. Stayed up watching some movie. Walked into my bedroom and looked at my bare bed. Slapped forehead and at that moment remembered I washed the bedding. That’s washed the bedding, not dried. It was still in the machine. Lol. Another hour to dry it and an even later night than originally intended.
I'm usually very organized and on top of things, but I've forgotten once or twice since separation and used one of my kids' comforters as a temporary measure! LOL
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 09/28/21 02:02 PM
Gosh guys - you know it’s possible to own TWO sets of sheets, right?
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 09/28/21 02:06 PM
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by Andrew
So - it's "cuffing season". I came to a decision over the past few days. I do think that I will probably date again.
Wow--I thought my dating exploits had turned everyone off dating. wink
nope. just me, lolz!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 09/28/21 02:51 PM
Originally Posted by kml
Gosh guys - you know it’s possible to own TWO sets of sheets, right?

Reading my mind, kml....I'm wondering why no one seems to have more than one set of sheets. Heck, I have 4 for our bed (3 regular and 1 flannel). I actually am about to buy another flannel set because our house is old and drafty and cold in winter. Really, it is ok to go out and purchase another set. LOL
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 09/28/21 03:07 PM
Originally Posted by Dawn70
Originally Posted by kml
Gosh guys - you know it’s possible to own TWO sets of sheets, right?

Reading my mind, kml....I'm wondering why no one seems to have more than one set of sheets. Heck, I have 4 for our bed (3 regular and 1 flannel). I actually am about to buy another flannel set because our house is old and drafty and cold in winter. Really, it is ok to go out and purchase another set. LOL
I'd have to check but I know I have at least 3 and possibly 4 for my bed. One set is fairly cheap and doesn't get used but is set aside for the spare room in the odd chance that I get a guest. I have a decent inflatable mattress for guests since only the one bedroom is currently furnished.

After I strip the bed I like to leave it without sheets for a bit to air out which is why it was an issue last weekend.

Just like for sheets I have 3 sets of bath towels, I think 4 sets of kitchen towels. Too much hassle to not have a spare for when you might need it. At a minimum, I need to be able to have one set of something clean while one set is dirty.

On the other hand, I'm still a bit of a minimalist and follow the "one thing out" for every "one thing in" rule for most things. An acquaintance was shocked when I said that I only owned 3 sweatshirts.

---

In other news, a memo about some random procedures just was issued where I was referred to as "management" - who knew? I certainly didn't. On the other hand here the admin staff is still referred to as "girls" so because I have luxurious chest hair, maybe that is why I am classed differently?
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 09/28/21 05:07 PM
More than one set of sheets?

What?

Silk is expensive. Lol
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 09/28/21 06:06 PM
Quote
I have a decent inflatable mattress for guests since only the one bedroom is currently furnished.

Andrew - one word of advice about that inflatable mattress, learned from touring and sleeping at various people's houses - they get COLD. When you make one up, put a comforter or thick blankets UNDER the bottom sheet - otherwise all your body heat goes out into the air mattress.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 09/28/21 07:23 PM
Originally Posted by kml
Quote
I have a decent inflatable mattress for guests since only the one bedroom is currently furnished.

Andrew - one word of advice about that inflatable mattress, learned from touring and sleeping at various people's houses - they get COLD. When you make one up, put a comforter or thick blankets UNDER the bottom sheet - otherwise all your body heat goes out into the air mattress.
I have a nice wool blanket I use for that - lesson learned long time ago. That and the fact that a big sweaty guy like me shouldn't be sleeping pretty much right on top of plastic crazy
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/02/21 02:52 PM
Happy Saturday!

I was up late last night watching old episodes of Get Smart with the cat. I think he's been feeling lonely and clingy lately so I gave him some time.

Going to be a busy day today. One of my cousins is getting married this afternoon - lot of anti-vaxers in that crowd so I'll be masked and keeping my distance.

We had a minor shutdown at the plant this morning so there's some scrambling going on. Our main logistics partner - who has been less than happy lately is even more unhappy this morning. I had to make calls late last night because someone else booked an overnight pick-up appointment when we had told them they could leave their truck under the rack. I only found out about 1/2 hour before the other trailer arrived. Annoying because it's me that manages the schedule. Grumble. I've been back and forth with the carrier (who is already annoyed at having to work on the weekend) and the plant.

---

One of "those" mornings today. I really wanted someone to cuddle. The cat isn't allowed in my room at night and they aren't the right sort of cuddly anyway. Haven't had that for about 5 1/2 years now. B would be up before me and for most of our relationship would be away at the cottage for the weekend. S snored away until mid-afternoon so I would have to carefully get up and slip quietly downstairs.

I've been debating changing my handle to "Captain Save-A-Ho" crazy - I think it was Wayfarer that posted that. I was surprised that it wasn't original and that that name is in circulation out there - there was one version that used a Captain Underpants theme that I found particularly funny. Certainly makes you think. I came across a post the other day where - a growing more common tale - a local single mom with a couple of kids is unable to find housing. I've got lots of room here. Makes me feel guilty a bit that I'm so fortunate here. Not something I want to get into though renting out part of the house or involving myself with someone with young kids who may just be looking for a provider.

It did make me examine my motivations on why these concepts are superficially attractive to me and I think I've got part of it even though I'm not happy with it. As a financially secure guy, being involved with someone who is less financially secure would create a power imbalance in my favour in the relationship. And that's not what I want. During my marriage there was never any question on who made more money / had more control. It was - or at least I like to believe - an equal partnership on most things. If anything my wife had perhaps more control as I tended to go along with most of her ideas. We went on the nice tropical vacations she liked that I was ok with as I could usually find parks and museums to visit. Her car was perhaps a bit nicer than mine, but was the main one used for driving the family around. We had our monthly budget meetings and talked about priorities before spending money of any consequence. And this was all while she brought in about 1/3 the income that I did. But she also did the bulk of the child-care and home-making.

Dunno.

Well - I have to be out at the farm for the wedding before 3:00. Still have to pick up a card to go with the gift I got plus do my groceries and all the usual stuff. Brunch with my son tomorrow and a lot of the house chores will have to wait until then.
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/02/21 03:19 PM
Sounds like you had a fairly even situation with your ex-wife. And it wouldn’t be wrong to be in a relationship with a woman who earned a lot less, so long as she actually brought other things of equal value to the relationship. But where you made your mistake was in trying to save someone.

It’s true that financial stability is one of the good things you bring to a relationship. Be proud of that. But look for a relationship that is an equal exchange, a partnership. And you’re right - rescuing may seem attractive because you THINK you’ll have more power. I think the reality was very different, at least with S.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/02/21 06:58 PM
Originally Posted by Andrew
One of "those" mornings today. I really wanted someone to cuddle. The cat isn't allowed in my room at night and they aren't the right sort of cuddly anyway.
I hear you, Andrew. Whatever you want to knock about Ms Sunshine, it was great waking up next to someone who was also a morning person and enjoyed cuddling. I've never gone the casual route before, but I'm starting to consider it, because I don't see myself going for a long stretch without sex BUT I also don't see myself ready for an awesome relationship just now.

Originally Posted by Andrew
"Captain Save-A-Ho"
lmao. Wayfarer's name for me. You're welcome to it. laugh

Originally Posted by Andrew
As a financially secure guy, being involved with someone who is less financially secure would create a power imbalance in my favour in the relationship.
Not necessarily. Ms Sunshine makes far more than me. I enjoyed zipping around in her Porsche. I didn't ask for, nor did I have any designs on her money. The dates I planned and paid for were within my means.

Originally Posted by kml
it wouldn’t be wrong to be in a relationship with a woman who earned a lot less, so long as she actually brought other things of equal value to the relationship.
Absolutely. I know exactly how much work goes into cleaning, organizing, cooking, laundry, etc. It sounds like Andrew may have had that fair exchange in his marriage. There was a mom I knew with a Master's degree who ran a spreadsheet she showed her husband during monthly family meetings showing how many hundreds she saved each month staying home. It was impressive.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/02/21 07:58 PM
Hello Andrew

Originally Posted by AndrewP
It did make me examine my motivations on why these concepts are superficially attractive to me and I think I've got part of it even though I'm not happy with it. As a financially secure guy, being involved with someone who is less financially secure would create a power imbalance in my favour in the relationship. And that's not what I want.

The crux of “saving” someone.

It’s control. A less powerful position lessens the likelihood that they would leave. Trust and faith in others are struggles you have mentioned often. Although, I believe you are slowly finding them again.

You see these superficial draws. Good. Now, what is deeper? What is attractive to you deep down?

Long walks. No. Ok yes, important yet deeper than that. Stable, secure, resilient, responsible, loyal, faithful, or whatever fits.

Being not happy with it, shows much self awareness. Figure out those tenets which makes you happy, which you aspire to, and strengthen or craft them where needed. Once organized and realized, one attracts that which they desire.

You do bring much into a relationship. Financial security being just one item from a list of good traits.

Open and equitable has quite an element of non-control to it. I’m sure you can see the control and fear S was wielding. Not the relationship you want to crave.

Strangely, letting go our need to control, attracts and yields the very thing we seek.

D
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/02/21 08:09 PM
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I've never gone the casual route before, but I'm starting to consider it, because I don't see myself going for a long stretch without sex BUT I also don't see myself ready for an awesome relationship just now.

Hmmm. Consider going a long time without sex. A 180 yields growth.

If an awesome relationship is something you aspire to find, I think causal ain’t going to get you there.

And that holds much more true for what is inside us. Be in an awesome relationship with yourself first, then branch out.

Apologies for the wee hijack Andrew.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/02/21 09:57 PM
DnJ, I've done that twice--I just ended an 8mo spell, and it was 12-18mo when I was married. A casual relationship focused on the present (like yoga or meditation) and not the future would be a 180.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/03/21 03:15 AM
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by kml
it wouldn’t be wrong to be in a relationship with a woman who earned a lot less, so long as she actually brought other things of equal value to the relationship.
Absolutely. I know exactly how much work goes into cleaning, organizing, cooking, laundry, etc. It sounds like Andrew may have had that fair exchange in his marriage. There was a mom I knew with a Master's degree who ran a spreadsheet she showed her husband during monthly family meetings showing how many hundreds she saved each month staying home. It was impressive.
It makes me really sad as well as irritated that she felt she had to prove to her husband how much she was saving. That is such absolute BS. Really sore spot with me. Sorry. Carry on.
Posted By: Traveler Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/03/21 04:10 AM
Originally Posted by Butterfly
It makes me really sad as well as irritated that she felt she had to prove to her husband how much she was saving. That is such absolute BS. Really sore spot with me. Sorry. Carry on.
I hadn't thought about it that way?! She was watching a D4 (minus 1.5 hours of daycare each day), shopping, cleaning, doing laundry, gardening, doing groceries, paying bills, and coming up with investment and cost optimization strategies--yeah, her value should've been obvious. A year later, she separated, "nested" and had a new lover each month. Hmm.. cause and effect?
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/03/21 11:58 AM
been there done that. well, the lots of work while married and not being valued for it. being told repeatedly that I contributed NOTHING ... emphasis on NOTHING. not the new lover every month.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/03/21 11:59 AM
ps I'm unsurprised they split up.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/03/21 07:40 PM
Originally Posted by CWarrior
DnJ, I've done that twice--I just ended an 8mo spell, and it was 12-18mo when I was married. A casual relationship focused on the present (like yoga or meditation) and not the future would be a 180.
Lightweight laugh Been about a year right now. Probably about 3 post bomb-day.

For me, it's a lot of fun that two people who care about each other can share but not critical to me. My XW and I were going down the road of decreasing frequency for some years. She had pain and mobility issues plus a reluctance to try things that would have avoided that. I suspect she only participated because she knew it as a way to placate and control me. She was well aware of the impact of sex on me to tighten those bonds. One of the reasons why I would probably not enter into any casual or FWB arrangement.

---

I had a good time at the wedding yesterday. It was held at my younger brother's farm so got around a lot of the rules etc that are in place that way. In hind-sight I shouldn't have been but there was a surprising number of Amish there. My cousin started working with crews of them since he was able to drive the van to and from the work-site. Nice people generally - I chatted with a few of them.

My cousin did get a new pair of work-boots for the event - kind of funny to see those big clod-hoppers - but it wouldn't make sense to get separate shoes for just one afternoon. I expect that most of the people there have a pair of steel-toes, one pair of rubber boots and one pair of "going to town" shoes.

Weird dynamics between the bride and groom. A lot of people worry that she's an opportunist as my cousin is undoubtedly a bit naive. She's gotten a new car, remodeled the house out of the deal already. The vows were sealed with a kiss - which was just a quick peck (perhaps he had been told to not smudge her makeup) and then they each more or less wandered in their own directions. I think he's probably early 40s and has about 200 acres of prime farmland. Not my circus.

I was a bit saddened to hear that his side of his family have found out that they have an inherited neurodegenerative disease. It goes all through the family it seems. I know his aunt who definitely has it - she lives about 2 blocks from here. She has been rail thin and has had difficulty walking and presumably with daily tasks for at least the last 10 years or so. Lovely woman who I doubt has a complaint in the world. It's made worse by smoking and drinking so my one cousin - according to his wife - has the brain of a 100 year old as he used to smoke and drink quite a lot. Certainly stopped now.

As I may have mentioned, a good number of my various relatives are anti-vax. I was happy the event was outside. I did smile though as I was talking to one couple and we were sharing stories about our vaccination experience - came up because neither of us can travel to the US despite being fully vaccinated - my brother was there and was obviously uncomfortable with the conversation around how we were doing this to protect those around us.

One of the fall-outs of everything is that I've not been able to see much of my nephew who is now 6. He played shy, then was a goof - running away and hiding with his best friend. We sat beside each other to eat and then both had an errand at the house. I had been asked to bring back the 4-wheeler and (confirmed by his Mom) my nephew drove it back. He was very careful and actually a pretty good driver. I was impressed. It was nice to have broken the ice more with him - he probably only has pretty dim memories of me.

---

Had a decent brunch with my son. Sadly, he's really depressed again. He's always had problems with it. I remember when he was young and we would go out for Brunch together just the two of us. I learned to not try to engage with him until he had had something to eat - after he had some of his food today he perked up a bit. But he's really struggling.

He needed his vaccination forms printed off so I offered that he could come by the house after brunch and we'd take care of it. I also invited him to dinner. He declined saying - and seeming annoyed by the fact - that he had an "appointment" to go to. He emailed me a copy and I said that I'd print it off and put it in the mailbox to pick up.

On a hunch, after I picked up some groceries I needed, I drove by his Mother's place and his car was there so presumably that was his appointment. An hour or so later the security camera saw him pick up his envelope so he wasn't there long.

I nudged him about a few things, asking if he's cooked anything new. Usually I get a detailed complaints list about his job, but it seemed too depressing to him. He said that he's not been cooking at all lately - which is highly unusual because he's a good cook who enjoys being creative in the kitchen. I carried a lot of the conversation. He did seem pleased to spend some time with me. I asked if he was going to the weekly poker game which is his usual social outlet - around the corner from here in fact - and he said that he doubted it. He did perk up when we talked about his cats. I'm glad he has "the girls" there with him. I'm sure that those other souls keep him going and pull him out of himself. He cares a lot about them and is a very good "cat Dad".

Having dealt with his depression for some time, especially when it was just the 2 of us here, I know that there is nothing specific I can to "help" - but having a safe person to talk to, a safe place that he could go to (although he absolutely does not ever want to move back in) is hopefully good. I believe I'm non-judgemental, I offer some suggestions if he seems open to them, but don't push anything. As has been said here - I didn't break him, I can't fix him. And really, this is just part of who he is.

I know nothing about his relationship with his mother and OM but I do know that she has a low tolerance for others being depressed or having issues to deal with. She would get quite angry with me any time I wanted to talk about anything I was having problems with, pretty much no matter how minor which is why it was a topic that I learned to avoid.

Ah well - got all that off my chest.

Happy Sunday all.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/04/21 01:38 PM
Sorry your son is depressed. It is hard to watch our adult kids go through such tings and not be able to help. For someone who claims to know nothing about his relationship with his mother, you spend a lot of time speculating about his relationship with his mother. As I have told you repeatedly, stop it! Who cares? She IS his mother so he is entitled to have a relationship with her that has nothing to do with you so you are just wasting your time and energy on something that he's probably not giving much thought to at all. Spend your mental energies elsewhere!
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/04/21 02:44 PM
I dunno A, instead of speculating about it, why not just straight up get it all out in the open? Let your son know that if he needs to he can talk to you about his mom, and try to separate yourself from what you hear so you can be his lighthouse.

just my $.02 and worth about as much.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/04/21 06:38 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I dunno A, instead of speculating about it, why not just straight up get it all out in the open? Let your son know that if he needs to he can talk to you about his mom, and try to separate yourself from what you hear so you can be his lighthouse.

just my $.02 and worth about as much.
Unfortunately he really doesn't talk to anyone about anything. I'm grateful that he will admit to me about being depressed and usually he has things that he can vent about. He's refused to go to see a therapist. I know that if I push him that he just digs his heels in harder.

I do know that historically that whenever he would visit his Mom that he would always be in a foul mood after - which is why I was curious if that were his "appointment". I've never asked him to "not" talk about his Mom. His Mom on the other hand, assuming she's more or less the same sort of person she was, would undoubtedly be very upset if any information about her personal life got out. He did mention the one other time that he had to go over and let their dog out so he's not hiding anything.

His mother can be difficult. I remember years ago when I was having an issue after she had moved out and I actually reached out to her. Her response was that he was my son and should just do what I tell him. I do hope that they have a mature and respectful relationship, but have my doubts - hence I worry.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/04/21 06:44 PM
Of course you worry about your son. He's your son and you should. What isn't worth your worry is ANYTHING related to your XW and her interactions with him. He's a grown man now and it is on him to manage his relationship with his mom. I have a daughter who is like your son. She doesn't like to talk about ANYTHING and holds most things in. She will occasionally talk to her mom, but mainly because her mom stays all up in her business 99% of the time. I am not going to be that helicopter parent to adults. Just keep letting him know he can talk to you. Keep having brunch, inviting him over, whatever. Don't push for therapy because it doesn't sound like that would work anyway. Keep worrying about him, but let your XW GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Her being difficult is no longer your problem. Her relationship with your son is not your concern either, unless that is something that he wants to vent to you about. Of course, just because he doesn't vent to you about it doesn't mean he doesn't vent to others. Maybe he is tight-lipped to everyone, but maybe he has friends who he can be more open with. That wouldn't necessarily be terribly out of character for a young person.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/04/21 11:12 PM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I've never asked him to "not" talk about his Mom.

If memory serves, a few years ago you asked both son and daughter to not tell you stuff about XW because it hurt too much.

If I remember that, perhaps son does as well. You could ensure he and you are on the same page. Maybe you’ve already done that. Just offering.

D
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/07/21 12:07 AM
Two nights of weird dreams. In them my XW and I were a couple again, no whiff of the affair, no reconciliation angst just a couple. I'm putting it down to being to my cousin's wedding. Hopefully they won't recurr.

---

A few interesting days at work. I've been in meetings that have also involved senior corporate people that I know well. Every now and then I felt I was getting odd looks from my former boss (corporate secretary) who is also the boss of president I work for now. Probably it's just seeing me in my new role which is different then what he's seen me in before. Superficially I perhaps seem capable and on top of things, but certainly don't feel that way. He would be used to me dealing with tech issues, and talking about sales pipelines and profitability measures. Here he seen me with my hard-hat on, clipboard in hand checking welds on containers as if I actually had a clue what I'm looking at crazy and reviewing tank levels and loading appointments.

My mandate for the last 2 days has been to focus on the meetings while my boss (who sat next to me) kept things moving at the plant by taking over my usual role in addition to everything else he does.

I do seem to be being groomed and I suspect that I've passed a test.

---

A bit annoyed - I was supposed to get together with a former co-worker this evening (the lady I used to walk with at lunch for anyone playing the home game) but she had to cancel. I was supposed to buy some girl-guide cookies from her which I send on to the kids and we were going to have a cup of coffee and catch up. Something came up though which meant she had to cancel. Hopefully we can make another day work fairly soon.

Just got a text from an old friend / former employee who has been out of work for a while due to Covid complications. She just got a verbal, conditional job offer. I was one of her references. She can use a break and would certainly be an asset to any team she's on.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/09/21 03:01 PM
Happy Pre-Thanksgiving. Cooking starting today. I'll do up the bread and pie today. My son has requested pumpkin and I have two small pie pumpkins already so will use one for that. My duck is defrosted and ready to go. I'll do turnip and stuffing. The turnip is already prepared. We'll have dinner on Sunday.

One of my neighbours is in quarantine as her daughter is visiting from the US so right now I'm baking up a meatloaf for her. I had texted her first to see if she likes meatloaf and yes she does. I like to think mine is pretty good. I looked for the single-use pans I had to transport it and those are missing. Sigh. I'll pick some more out while I'm doing the groceries shortly.

It turns out her daughter lives in the same city as my daughter. Small world.

Tough night last night - there was a power outage for 2 hours between 2:00 and 4:00 which knocked out my CPAP machine. Going to try to get to bed early tonight I think. Lots to do today though - lots of cleaning especially. I'm trying to decide if I'll give the grass one last cut before winter - it's been warm here and it's up a bit. Leaving it long though is good for the wee critters and the roots so I may leave it. It just looks a bit ragged is all.

Work continues to be tough - my boss continues to be "dissapointed" in me - largely for things I have no real control over. The operations manager I think threw me under the bus yesterday. The guys certainly are unhappy too which is not good - the are feeling rushed which given the nature of what we do is a real concern. It doesn't help that even though it's my responsibility to do the planning that he will suddenly change everything in the morning. He calls it "being flexible". The guys call it crazy. We had planned on doing some work over the long weekend. No real rush - instead on Friday morning the decision was made to shift everything around and stuff it all into one day which then had a cascading effect throughout the day. Grumble. And this was after it was arranged that one of the guys who had the needed skills would come in on Monday to do it.

Well - need to get moving along. The meatloaf is out setting so I'll take it and the fresh bread over when I get back from grocery shopping.

Life is indeed good - I am indeed a very fortunate man with lots to be thankful for. Just seem to be going through a rough patch. It will be good to see my son and celebrate with him. His text response a couple of days ago seemed upbeat so hopefully whatever rough patch he's going through was temporary. I'm starting to put my Christmas lists together (gasp - where has the time gone?) and am thinking about getting him one of those light boxes and perhaps Santa will get me one too.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/09/21 04:32 PM
Good Morning Andrew

Happy Pre-Thanksgiving to you as well.

A yummy duck sounds scrumptious. You and son will surely have a great meal.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
…there was a power outage for 2 hours between 2:00 and 4:00 which knocked out my CPAP machine.

Maybe along with the light box, Santa could bring a UPS (uninterruptible power supply). I’d be specific when writing your list and ask for a true sine wave type. A 1500 W sized UPS would plug into a regular household receptacle and easily power both a CPAP machine and light box which just plug into the UPS.

Aside from automatically and immediately switching over to the battery, UPS devices also protect from surges and sags in supplied voltage. They provide protection to downstream devices.

My own 3000W UPS powers my computers, wireless router, phone, TV, entertainment system, arcade, water system, and a few other plugs through out the house. I ran specific circuits from the UPS to various strategically placed receptacles in the basement, main floor, and second floor.

If you do decided to ask Santa, have his elves make you one that has black start capabilities. Most UPS only switch over existing load to battery inverted power. You can turn on more things but the UPS has to have something already running when the power goes out. One that can start from zero load is much more versatile. For example, you can home to a dark house make popcorn and watch a movie. Lol. Oh my, what a life.

I guess while I’m rambling on, the non sinusoidal type UPS outputs a chopped stepped waveform. This can be ok for certain devices. However, anything that utilizes the zero crossing of the AC frequency gets pretty messed up. By the way, that’s most of just about anything nowadays. My first UPS utilized a chopped waveform output and the computer fan ran at turbo speed. It quickly got plugged and upgraded before it blew up any internal components within the magical computer box. Lol.

I do wonder if your boss is unwittingly looking for you to stand up to him. To say no and stick to your plans.

I’ve experienced several different bosses over the years and they all splash about in my pool for a time while finding their way. My role is perhaps more defined than your’s. There are clear delimitations of my work and their work. I’ve had to clearly highlight to each and everyone of them where that agreed upon line is. And without fail, each and every one of them has immediately agreed and admitted their overstepping.

I do not know your organization’s structure nor your boss nor your defined role. So, perhaps this is not a strategy or avenue to explore. Even if it is what your boss is looking for, he may not accept it. In my case, there are clear contractual obligations on both sides, which provide the necessary teeth and enforcement of role and duties.

Ah, let go the troubles of work and enjoy the weekend.

Have a great day.

D
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/09/21 06:48 PM
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by AndrewP
…there was a power outage for 2 hours between 2:00 and 4:00 which knocked out my CPAP machine.
Maybe along with the light box, Santa could bring a UPS (uninterruptible power supply). I’d be specific when writing your list and ask for a true sine wave type. A 1500 W sized UPS would plug into a regular household receptacle and easily power both a CPAP machine and light box which just plug into the UPS.
I've been debating that along with the possibility of a generator. You definitely know more about this than I do. I do recall that during plant shutdown that we use a generator and that it has to be of a particular type - I was told that we can't use diesel because it doesn't produce the "right sort" of power for the computers.

The bit of reading I've done on using a UPS for a CPAP machine has just been plain confusing as most articles say that it needs to be a special type designed for that type of equipment and not a computer sort. And then usually conveniently have a link to buy one from them for major bucks. I know that I bought a 1500 amp/hours unit for the plant and it was about $300 which certainly is reasonable for the 4 or 5 times / year that it would be triggered.

Generator is probably over-kill especially since I don't want to replace my panel - I only have an 80 amp service. But something that during an outage could run my oil furnace would be nice. It has a switch now to turn it on and off and I have considered putting in a bypass plug of some sort so that I can run an extension cord to the back cellar stairwell where I could safely put a running generator. It wouldn't draw a lot - there's just the oil pump and blower motor to power.

Probably a bit too red-neck hack for the insurance company's comfort though I expect.

Originally Posted by DnJ
I do wonder if your boss is unwittingly looking for you to stand up to him. To say no and stick to your plans.
No. It's that he's right and knows he's right and has already figured out the answer he wants. It's a massive source of frustration for anyone who has ever worked for him. He, I think, is trying harder to accept that others may have other points of view. I had a truck come down to load - having first mis-calculated the tank levels. He was "I wouldn't have done it that way - but do it however you think". He also changes his mind a lot and expects everyone to go along. He's crazy hard-working and very smart and has always been like this - to the frustration of much of the staff. One of my now former colleagues used to complain "if he already knows the answer he wants, why does he bother asking". The clock is ticking though if he's wanting to retire within 3 years. It's a complex operation both on the plant and business side.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Ah, let go the troubles of work and enjoy the weekend.
Getting out and about has helped things quite a bit. My neighbour was pleasantly surprised she said in her text that not only did she get a meatloaf but also a still warm loaf of fresh bread to go along with it.

Time to switch laundry around and start making the pumpkin puree for the pie. I also have much cleaning to do. The downstairs toilet which pretty much never gets used had a build-up of mold in the bowl so the scrub brush and haz-mat gloves need to be gotten out.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/09/21 08:04 PM
Hello Andrew

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I was told that we can't use diesel because it doesn't produce the "right sort" of power for the computers.

Nope. Not true.

There is a generator and a primer mover. The primer mover is the “engine” that rotates the generator. Diesel, gas, wind, water, treadmill, whatever, attaches to a generator and spins it. The generator’s bits and bobs - armature, stator or rotor, and such - transformer the rotary energy into electrical energy. This happens as wires cut through the magnetic field or flux.

It’s the generator that produces the “right sort” of power for whatever application. Nice clean power has near constant revolutions per minute, and smoothing capacitance and reactance to give a smooth AC power.

Of course the prime mover has to be large enough for the load and the losses within the system. My group has several 50 kVA units we utilize and a 300 kVA mobile one for powering up a large building in an emergency. That Emergency Center of course has computers, printers, and such. All these generators are diesel fuelled.


Anyhow, if you are seriously looking for a household UPS consider the following:

Manufacture: APC, Type: Smart-UPS 1500VA, Model: SMT1500C

This is an easy plug and play UPS. It has around ten outlets, easy to change batteries, and given your suspected loading in the middle of the night would power your CPAP machine for a good 200 minutes.

There are of course lesser models with fewer VAhr batteries and therefore less backup time for whatever the given load is. However, if I may suggest:

Run a circuit to your oil furnace and plug it into the UPS. Plug in the CPAP. And maybe a table lamp or two. The computer, wireless router, and cordless phone as well. While the power is on, the UPS just bypasses and powers all the plugged devices. As soon as there is a power failure, or some blip or dip, it next to instantaneously switches over to battery made AC power. You see the UPS is always matching the frequency of the connected utility power and can therefore switch over in milliseconds. The speed of switching to alternate power is so fast that things just keep on running.

Once utility power is restored for a certain timeframe, the UPS will match its frequency output to the utility input and return to normal bypassed mode and recharge the batteries.

A neat feature you might make use of is the USB output which can tell your computer that it is now on backup power and therefore should turn off. This is excellent when a computer is left unattended. You always have electrical surge/sag protection, will never lose data, and will maximize backup runtime by turning off the high use device.

Imagine your furnace and CPAP machine always running no matter what. Well at least for the few few hours of an outage. No need for a generator or extension cords. smile

Anyhow, that’s a pretty cool gift in my opinion. Besides, what do you get a guy that has everything? Lol.

D
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/10/21 01:27 PM
Good Morning Andrew

I totally fogged on the blower motor in the furnace; I forgot about it while calculating. Sheesh. SMH.

Anyhow, running the blower motor will decrease the UPS backup time much more significantly than the house would cool off in the same time frame. Leave the furnace.

Scope creep strikes again. Lol.

D
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/10/21 11:48 PM
Drop back 5 and punt ...

My son called me yesterday afternoon to let me know that he had a scheduling conflict with Thanksgiving. His mother had texted him saying "looking forward to seeing you Sunday". So we'll be having dinner tomorrow night.

It's all good though - it's just him and I so I certainly can be flexible. I was able to spend the day cleaning and doing some autumn decorating plus a bit more pre-cooking. The pie and bread will be fine sitting another day. I did up one of the stuffing ingredients today.

I'm meeting with a friend for lunch tomorrow 2 hours away so will hustle back and get the duck in the oven. Just the vegetables, dressing and gravy, cheese sauce etc to do. I did warn him that I was expecting him to take leftovers home with him.

---

For some reason a song on the radio while I was out gathering cat-tails and tall grasses from the side of the road struck me odd. It was Dolly Parton singing "I will always love you". A lovely rendition by a true musical treasure. Will I ever love again? Post divorce and during at least part of my past dating adventures, I certainly believed it to be possible. Now? I really am not feeling it. That part of me that wanted to love seems absent. I was deeply in love with my wife which is in no small part how I ended up on these shores arguing with everyone. That love is certainly over but if I dig, I can remember what it felt like.

One thing that - I like to think is positive - is that I'm certainly no longer looking to replace what I had which I suppose means not finding those feelings too (?) As a storyteller at heart, while I can see the narrative of new love in others, I can't see that path myself. There are things I wish I had in my life. Someone to share experiences with, someone to cuddle on a snowy weekend morning, someone to explore the issues of every-day existence and random weird ideas. But I cannot see what that person looks like, nor how they would fit into what is to be honest, a pretty good life.

There's a concept from earlier in my journey - holding space for someone. And conversely that person having a space for me within them. I held open the space for my now XW for quite a long time but that space is gone with no for-let sign on it.

Ah well - enough rambling for a Sunday evening. It's going to be a busy day tomorrow and a busy week coming up.

'Nite all.
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/11/21 12:00 AM
I have every confidence Andrew that you can love again. But you might not experience limerance or infatuation in quite the same naive way. That’s actually a good thing. You’ll make better choices if not blinded by naive infatuation.

That’s not to say you might not date someone who makes your heart race. Just that you’ll likely be more able to see with clear eyes.
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/11/21 01:59 AM
What you wrote really resonated with me Andrew. I have been thinking similar thoughts recently. I like to think that I could fall in love again but I definitely worry that I’m just not capable of it anymore. Maybe this is the natural fallout when someone you love and trust betrays you? Or maybe it’s because I’ve been home sick all week and binge watching the show Catfish. If you want to watch a show that makes you question people’s intentions and integrity, that’s the one to watch. laugh
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/11/21 07:07 AM
Re: cat fishing.

My best friend has a neighbor - woman about 60. Her husband died in a motor vehicle accident about 3-4 years ago. She should be getting a good settlement eventually (truck hit her husband, belongs to large corporation with deep pockets) but doesn’t have much money now. Overweight, arthritic. Not a healthy or unusually attractive woman.

“Met” some guy online - he’s supposedly based in Northern California, but conveniently “working” on a construction project for his business in a foreign country. Always an excuse why he has to reschedule planned visits. Has her believing he’s going to marry her (they’ve never met in person!). She’s even gone shopping for a wedding dress!

My friend said something to her early on but she’s in total denial. And my friend hasn’t pushed it, for two reasons. One, she’s related to the owners of the apartment building where my friend has lived for twenty years, and she doesn’t want to risk getting on the wrong side of the landlord. Also, this “romance” has motivated the woman to walk regularly and lose some weight, so my friend thinks it is doing her some good (although the devastation when she figures it out will not be worth it!).

This week, the second half of the Hidden Brain podcast was about a very similar story. Heartbreaking.

It’s a good idea to use a reverse image search on photos of potential dates. (I used to use tineye, now I think google also has a reverse image search). Lonely people can be really vulnerable to these scams.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/11/21 01:23 PM
Originally Posted by kml
It’s a good idea to use a reverse image search on photos of potential dates. (I used to use tineye, now I think google also has a reverse image search). Lonely people can be really vulnerable to these scams.
On my local sites there are more than a few obviously fake photos on both sides of the attractiveness scale. One that made me laugh still had the watermark from the free site it was downloaded from.

I just had a browse and really felt no urge at all to reach out to any of those people. "C" is probably on a slow road - haven't heard from her for a couple of weeks and she's still wrapped up in her divorce. It's still uncertain on if she would be a healthy person for me to allow to exit the friend zone. "P" I consider a friend but her politics is far too radical for my liking and she knows that I hold very different views. She did enjoy the fresh bread and meatloaf and I was pleased and slightly surprised that she is actually abiding by the quarantine rules.

It's good in some ways that I'm at a point where finding a new partner isn't really high on my priority list. I also have enough belief in myself (now) that someone would have to be local. I am pretty confident that I am personally safe from such things. The one person who I consider my rebound was a long distance friend and it was well understood that pen-pals was as far as anything would go. I worked through a lot of issues back then regarding my self-worth and attractiveness.

I'm sure there's a lonely farm girl out there who brings together compatible qualities. As my father's little poem went
"A farmer's life is full of strife.

Thanks be to God I've got a muscular wife"

laugh - Gotta run.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/11/21 01:35 PM
You are a wise man, so you probably already know this, but the national treasure that is Dolly Parton actually wrote "I Will Always Love You". She's just so multi-talented it is beyond amazing. I don't say this about celebrities a lot but she is totally my hero. I have heard her interviewed a gazillion times and she has said a good bit that she is always surprised when people choose that for a wedding song because if you listen to the words, it is not about loving someone forever, but about having lost someone that you loved. Interesting..... I could go on about Dolly forever.

I might be biased, but I TOTALLY think you should find a farm girl. Us farm girls need good, decent, loving men to share our lives with. wink

What you said about not even knowing if you would find love again resonated with the Dawn from a few years ago. I spent a year really working on myself after my XH walked away and in that time, I became quite comfortable with maybe being single was my station in life. When Sparky came along, I was taken by surprise, quite honestly. We had a slow build to our initial friendship and then once we met in person (we talked via text and phone longer than either of us would've liked since his dad was in the hospital and died kind of suddenly, so that put our actual face to face meeting back a bit), it was just this easy comfort like we had known each other forever and we just clicked from the beginning. I know I have said all this on my own posts, but I was actually dating someone else too, which was VERY unusual for me, when Sparky and I first met, but it didn't take me long to ditch that other one in favor of giving it a whirl with Sparky and the rest is history.

I adore you, Andrew, and I hope and pray literally every day that the good Lord favors you with a decent woman to share your life with. Who knows what will happen?

Happy Thanksgiving, by the way. Your meal sounded fantastic. Can't wait to see pics!
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/11/21 01:56 PM
(PS didn’t mean to offend anybody by saying the woman in my story was overweight and arthritic - overweight arthritic people find love too! Just wanted to emphasize that there was nothing about her that made her so attractive that a “successful international businessman” would propose marriage to her without ever having met in person. We are hoping someone in her immediate family happens to listen to that podcast this week. )
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/11/21 02:41 PM
Originally Posted by kml
(PS didn’t mean to offend anybody by saying the woman in my story was overweight and arthritic - overweight arthritic people find love too! Just wanted to emphasize that there was nothing about her that made her so attractive that a “successful international businessman” would propose marriage to her without ever having met in person. We are hoping someone in her immediate family happens to listen to that podcast this week. )

Fat girls need and deserve love too! I'm a fat girl and I wasn't offended by what you said. It is a societal norm, sadly, that fat people are automatically deemed stupid or unattractive (or both), but I really didn't read what you said that way at all. I just took it to mean that she was not likely someone that some random high-powered hottie was going to be turned onto in a random stranger online meeting.

Besides, I have a super hot husband who loves me just how I am so I know that less attractive people can totally find people who are attracted to them. wink And, I think Sparky is a lucky dude. LOL (If you don't believe me, just ask me and I'll tell you and then he'll say "yes dear". LOLOLOLOL)
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/11/21 02:52 PM
Sparky IS a lucky man!!!!!

Btw the title of that Hidden Brain episode is “When You Need It To Be True”. There’s an interesting twist at the end, too.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/12/21 10:03 PM
Originally Posted by Hubert J Farnsworth
Good News Everyone
I got fired today.

Well - not really. The one massively onerous part of my job, managing the physical loading of trucks and arranging them in and out has been taken off my plate. I'm not very good at it and everyone knows that including me. I get by and have built some good relationships but it is a massive time-sink for me. For example, last night I was woken up at 10:30 because a driver wanted to load but was unable to - so I had to deal with that. This morning on the drive in one trailer pulled in 2 hours early - had to pull over to the side of the road and deal with that. No more (mostly - lots of grey areas and limited staff).

I was joking with the Operations manager that this might open up time for me to date - he had a big laugh at that and reminded me that the last time that I dated that it wasn't a good idea.

It was a good conversation with my boss and puts in place a structure that he knew had to be in place for the new year. As he said, he doesn't set people up to fail but rather to succeed (not always successful at that).

I still have everything else on my plate plus a few others have been added but the constant interruptions, especially in the afternoons should now be minimal. I feel good about my prospects at the plant for the first time in a while. And I'll get a big chunk of my life back.

I did have to log in tonight to check a couple of loads and the lab work done today plus look at expected production rates for tomorrow but then I can power down . 1/2 hour of work vs the 2+ hours in the evenings that I've been doing since March.

Part of what I did is going to my boss - who micromanaged and second-guessed me to the point where he was doing that anyway. Part is going out to the plant to the ops manager and one of the lead hands.

Well - time to do a bit of math then celebrate with a leftover piece of pumpkin pie.
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/12/21 11:07 PM
Yay!!!!!!!!! That's fantastic news!

This is going to make your life much better going forward. Congrats!
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/13/21 11:00 AM
and .... exhale! whew! frrrrrreeeeeeeeddddddoooooooommmmmmmm!!!!!!!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/13/21 12:42 PM
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now you can finally have your life back. So excited for you and the fact that you can now step back, take a breath, and NOT be run ragged. Good for you.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/15/21 03:06 PM
It was weird last night to not have to open up the computer when I got home. Still ended up responding to 3 or 4 emails but then sat with the cat and watched a bit of TV. I'm really looking forward to having my evenings back for the first time in a long time - probably about a year and a half. Prior to me doing all these extra hours, I had S and her crew to take care of.

My XW appears to have been up early to cash her payment. #48 of 77 - counting down to that bit of freedom. Having essentially a 25% raise when this is done will make quite the difference.

We had a company dinner to celebrate a corporate milestone - Tissot watches were handed out. It feels weird to wear one after all these years of not, but I'm finding it natural to look at my wrist again to see the time. Interesting dynamics during the dinner that it's not worth going into here about - and nothing really surprising. I know all of the outside senior management that attended of course. When my boss introduced the plant people - who I was sitting with - he got to me and instead of saying like he did for the others "operator / assistant / maintenance" - it was just "Everyone already knows Andrew" and I quipped "and still nobody really knows what it is that he does".

Since the responsibility for detail planning of loading and managing the flow of loads has been taken off I will admit to a bit of Schadenfreude on some of the things that have gone sideways that I would have gotten a stern talking about - but now it's my boss doing them. One thing that was a challenge was that I had a mandate to have a plan in place and communicated to the plant by 2:00 pm. Which I was doing - but my boss would send an email out at 7:00 changing all the priorities around (called being flexible and adapting to changing priorities) and then I would be on the hook for things going wrong. Oh - we generally start loading at 6:00. He's pretty sensitive to any sort of criticism and doesn't own it like I would - usually looking for a scapegoat. Glad it's not me any more.

Looking at the racks right now we appear to be as I would say "antlers to a$$holes" down there which is never good. Our plant shutdown is next week so everything needs to be cleared out as we have some cranes coming into the loading area for at least a couple of days.

---

My vacation is finally booked. I'm taking 2 weeks off at the end of November / start of December and have my fingers crossed that I'll be able to go and visit the kids. I reached out to a neighbour last night and one of his boys will be happy to feed the cat and check on the house so that's one thing off the list. Ideally, I'll take the train from here to the West Coast, drive down across the border and then fly back. I need to talk to my travel agent. And all of this is dependent on my vaccine does being acceptable to cross the border which is still up in the air although I was happy to hear that things have opened up again for the land crossings.

Annoyed this morning. My microwave died making my morning porridge which it turned into a puck. The thermal fuse went on it I think. I'm going to pop out and get a new one along with the UPS that DnJ suggested. I also have some forms to fax to the government for next year's taxes so need to time-travel to the 1980s to do that.

Almost the weekend! And I don't have to do nearly as much work as I would normally do. The last few weekends have been stupid busy with not just work but also it seems a lot of running around. I do need to get some more Halloween candy - so a bit of driving around for that.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/16/21 02:18 PM
Good Morning Andrew

Well as good as it can be without hot porridge. smile

A new microwave and UPS. Santa’s coming early!!!

I’m glad you’ve got some time off and vacation plans. Yes, fingers crossed the border remains open.

A few years ago I dug out my watch and starting wearing it. It is a watch which W bought me. Over the years I only wore it on fancy occasions. First because it is rather expensive and second the whole metallic objects and electricity thing. An accidental contact would turn that gold watch instantaneously into a red hot shackle. Similarly for rings. And of course entanglement issues are another concern.

However, being as my role here expanded with the amalgamation of three work centres into one, I’m not directly working hands on as much as I once did. Actually it’s quite rare now. So, I sport my nice watch and utilize it daily. Not point keeping the fine stuff locked away for the one or two occasions that come up. smile

Anyhow, wear your watch. Get a nice new microwave. And eat tomorrow’s hot porridge and out of the good China. Lol. Maybe not that far. If it can’t go in the dishwasher it can stay in the cupboard. Ha.

Have a great day!

D
Posted By: BL42 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/16/21 03:26 PM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
#48 of 77 - counting down to that bit of freedom. Having essentially a 25% raise when this is done will make quite the difference.
Love the countdown! More than halfway there!
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/16/21 09:19 PM
Originally Posted by DnJ
If it can’t go in the dishwasher it can stay in the cupboard. Ha.

Have a great day!

D
Thanks D. My dishwasher is 57 years old and tends to bounce around the kitchen while working depending on what song is playing on Spotify crazy so there's few things that are off limits to use.

Thanks again for the UPS recommendation - it's a nice feeling to know that even if we have a bad storm such as was predicted, that I'll still get a nice sleep. I have my CPAP and bedside lamp plugged into the unit figuring that it would be handy to have that working too during a power outage.

Drove for about 2 hours today to pick up the chocolate coins I'm known for handing out at Halloween. Despite the rain, or maybe because of it, it was a nice drive. I have been budgeting $1/bag for treats but with the price of chocolate continuing to go up, I think I'm up to about $1.50 this year. I plan on about 100 kids and the most I've gotten has been I think 85. I'll do up bags for "F" and her son as I have for years. I saw her today at the flower shop but she was busy so just waved and said Hi.

I have the duck bones on bubbling away to make some broth - the house smells lovely. As I was putting away the groceries and doing some mental meal-planning it crossed my mind that yes - it would be tough to share "my" kitchen with someone. I could probably share my workshop more easily.

Actually "P" - who is absolutely not a match on a number of factors not to mention the many red flags - doesn't cook but enjoys doing wood-working etc. I just need to perhaps find someone who likes helping out, is fine with not having to cook or clean more than about 35% and who isn't bat sh!t crazy. Oh - and doesn't make more work for me like "S" and her crew did. Or just stay here with the cat which seems to be a solid plan for the foreseeable future.

Sausages and baked potatoes on the menu for tonight (went to my favourite butcher shop today). Pancakes planned for tomorrow's breakfast. Probably duck stew for dinner tomorrow night. Gotta go check on my first load of laundry and the broth.

I did just hear, but need to verify, that my Astro Zenica vaccination will be accepted in the US and then reach out to my travel agent. The kids are aware of my pending visit. It did cross my mind that I may be asked to transport some Christmas gifts for my XW - but she did that for me a couple of years ago. Distance might not make the heart grow fonder, but time does dull the pain.

Ciao Bella
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/16/21 09:55 PM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
My dishwasher is 57 years old and tends to bounce around the kitchen while working

Lol.

A good reliable dishwasher is worth its weight in gold. smile

And you’re welcome. A good night’s sleep is high on the list of priorities in my books.

D
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/16/21 10:14 PM
I didn’t even know they had dishwashers 57 years ago
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/17/21 01:42 AM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I didn’t even know they had dishwashers 57 years ago
My sisters used to wash and I dried. smile

Just reading the Count of Monte Cristo now and was reminded of The Stockdale Paradox that was a thing often discussed back when this forum was a very different place.

I was struck by the difference between Hope and Faith. Stockdale himself wrote that those who did not survive were those who had Hope. He had Faith that he would survive and thrive even if he could not see how.

The Count of Monte Cristo is supposedly based on Alexander Dumas's father who was an astoundingly fascinating man. I read a biography of him titled The Black Count which I heartily recommend.

---

For my own self, I regret little of my journey towards divorce. This place was one that had some very good people who encouraged and reinforced my faith and who also supported me when I chose to turn away from that path.

I'm not a religious man despite my regular references to Scripture. But it just struck me now on how very different Hope and Faith are that I was compelled to write about it.

The story continues ...
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/20/21 12:50 PM
Not a lot going on here in Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan. The sun is currently rising over the gangway over the rail line - looks pretty in an industrial kind of way.

We're on annual shut-down here right now so the place is busier than a nest of ants that just found a picnic. I still am amazed by the skill of the crane operators who are able to put those big pieces that have been pre-fabricated for the plant down right on the button. It's helped that the weather has been fabulous - clear with little wind.

The operations manager has been off as his father passed. He'd been in hospice care so not a surprise. I was a bit disappointed that the general reaction from the guys has been one of relief that he's not around. Personally, he seems like a decent enough guy, but has an aggressive, abrasive, confrontational manner with the staff. It's also perhaps an indicator that shutdown is going smoothly without his presence.

With direct responsibility for managing truck loading having been taken off my plate, I can actually get things done and have time for myself in the evening. It's weird but very nice to take my time to make dinner, my lunch for the next day, clean up the kitchen, take care of the cat without feeling rushed. I'm actually feeling confident enough of free time that I reached out to one of my best friends for dinner plans. We're getting together next week.

I do need to adjust my daily routine to accommodate having evenings open - there's things I could putter around about that aren't part of my habits at present. Setting aside some time in the evenings for a good book would also be lovely.

I'm doing some reading about doing the cross-country train trip - it may be a bit rich for my pocket-book. We'll have to see. While it would undoubtedly be a great experience, it's not on the scale of for example my trip to Madrid and Alcalá de Henares. I've still not heard back from my travel agent.

In doing some not very random internet browsing I came across a posting on social media referencing my XW. It was from back in June and was a picture of her manicure that showed a small diamond ring on her ring finger. No clue if it's an official thing or not. My first reaction was frustration that I'm still sending off those monthly cheques while she's got her new life but then I quickly calmed down and remembered that it was the price I knowingly paid for peace and certainty.

I really have pretty much no insight into her life over the past number of years and that's a good thing. Occasionally, like before I had the urge to do a quick online search, I get the "feeling" that she's hovering in some fashion or other. I still find it odd that she's stayed in the area as OM and his family are from an hour north in a bigger centre. I would imagine though that as far as acquaintances and neighbours are concerned, how she ended up split from me is not at all an issue that affects them or their relationship with her. In the occasions that I happen to drive by her house when running errands on the weekend, I rarely see her car there so presumably she's off doing her own thing like was her habit. At home she'd camp out in the living room with a good book or murder mystery show and big bag of potato chips for much of the weekends, but that house was big enough for each of us to have our own space. It was made plain to me fairly early in our marriage that she needed her "alone time".
Her current place is tiny so it's undoubtedly harder to get there.

Ah well - pointless to discuss. The state of her and OM affect me little beyond the limited overlap with the kids. I'll keep sending the monthly payments and then when the last one has been cashed, nudge her to take her name off the insurance policy I pay for on me with her as the beneficiary and then that is definitely that.

I still don't know if I'll reach out to her or not but I will mention to my son when we have brunch that if he had anything to send that I could do that.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/20/21 01:07 PM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I'll keep sending the monthly payments and then when the last one has been cashed, nudge her to take her name off the insurance policy I pay for on me with her as the beneficiary and then that is definitely that.
WTF?????? An insurance policy with her as the beneficiary that you are paying. Why?
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/20/21 01:20 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I'll keep sending the monthly payments and then when the last one has been cashed, nudge her to take her name off the insurance policy I pay for on me with her as the beneficiary and then that is definitely that.
WTF?????? An insurance policy with her as the beneficiary that you are paying. Why?
It's pretty common. It covers the alimony that she is "entitled to" in the event that I pop my clogs prematurely. All part of the deal as negotiated.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/20/21 01:29 PM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I'll keep sending the monthly payments and then when the last one has been cashed, nudge her to take her name off the insurance policy I pay for on me with her as the beneficiary and then that is definitely that.
WTF?????? An insurance policy with her as the beneficiary that you are paying. Why?
It's pretty common. It covers the alimony that she is "entitled to" in the event that I pop my clogs prematurely. All part of the deal as negotiated.
Give me your Lawyer's name I would like punch him/her in the throat. At worst she should pay for the premium.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/21/21 02:17 AM
Andrew, the insurance policy and your paying of the premiums is a good arrangement.

Very well done, from my perspective. Seldom does one gain in these divorce matters from brute force fighting.

That was a purposeful and rationally negotiated transaction that in part limited your amount and duration of requisite alimony.

Only 29 payments left and it’s done. You could have been paying for the remainder of her life. My arrangement was a lump sum. Your’s was front loaded higher payment with a guarantee. Pretty good resolutions methinks. Resolution, not win. It’s the best one can hope for. No need to throat punch your lawyer. Lol.

D
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/21/21 02:46 AM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I was struck by the difference between Hope and Faith. Stockdale himself wrote that those who did not survive were those who had Hope. He had Faith that he would survive and thrive even if he could not see how.

Yes, have faith before Hope.

However, why cannot one have both?

The Hope, is more accurately optimism which left unfulfilled turns to resentment and thus poisons one. Unchecked or untethered optimism would lead to ruin eventually, as of course was witnessed by Stockdale.

I am a rather optimistic guy. And my views on Hope and the need to not tie it to a deadline or timeframe allows Hope to remain alive and, I believe, well.

“…I believe…”. And therein lay the strength. Belief. Faith.

I believe, live, and have faith in my life’s journey. I have faith in Hope and goodness as well. I suspect faith encompasses the hopeful aspect within itself. Well, the faith we are referring to. For, I suppose, one could have a belief, a complete faith, that things would turn out terrible.

Like most things, it really depends upon one’s point of view. Faith is absolutely needed to survive. Hope or hopeless decided if one thrives or not.

Just some late night pondering.

D
Posted By: LH19 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/21/21 12:27 PM
Originally Posted by DnJ
That was a purposeful and rationally negotiated transaction that in part limited your amount and duration of requisite alimony.
If this is true don't throat punch your lawyer. Your money is funny and maybe your laws are too lol.
[/quote]
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/21/21 02:07 PM
LH it’s pretty standard for the spouse receiving alimony to have a life insurance policy on the spouse paying alimony and/or child support. I paid for the insurance on my exH in my divorce agreement - but didn’t mind because at least that way I could ensure that it was paid.

Funny story though - it was an insurance policy that we (I) already owned and it was almost exactly the amount of the ten years of alimony I was owed. A few years in, he insisted I reduce the policy by half so I wouldn’t “profit” from his death. Like I was gonna hire somebody to whack him! Can’t help but think that was a bit of projection - had it crossed his mind to have ME whacked so he didn’t have to pay me alimony?
Posted By: LH19 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/21/21 02:45 PM
Originally Posted by kml
LH it’s pretty standard for the spouse receiving alimony to have a life insurance policy on the spouse paying alimony and/or child support.
Is it standard for the person paying the premium be the one paying the alimony?

I can get on board with child support but definitely not alimony.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/21/21 03:10 PM
My ex and I both need to have a life insurance policy so our child is taken care of in the event of our death.

Never have I heard of having a life insurance policy to cover alimony. If anything I would have a very separate on that changes yearly in regards to how much money is owed at that point.

A 250k policy on 50k of alimony is ridiculous .
Posted By: LH19 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/21/21 03:16 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
My ex and I both need to have a life insurance policy so our child is taken care of in the event of our death.
This makes sense.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Never have I heard of having a life insurance policy to cover alimony.
This sounds crazy that's why I wondered if it's the law or at that point Andy P was trying to nice her back?


I could see when you get down to the last alimony check you end up swimming with the fishes.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/21/21 03:20 PM
Originally Posted by kml
Funny story though - it was an insurance policy that we (I) already owned and it was almost exactly the amount of the ten years of alimony I was owed. A few years in, he insisted I reduce the policy by half so I wouldn’t “profit” from his death. Like I was gonna hire somebody to whack him! Can’t help but think that was a bit of projection - had it crossed his mind to have ME whacked so he didn’t have to pay me alimony?
Right now she'd be ahead money if something happened to me - my close friends were all warned early in the process to be suspicious if anything happened to me. On the other hand a couple of them hinted that they "knew a guy" - didn't go down that road - the cuckolded husband who just made a large cash withdrawal is undoubtedly suspicious crazy And I really didn't want any real harm to come to her.

I have 3 policies on myself right now, a larger term life with the kids as beneficiaries, one from work again with the kids as beneficiaries and this smaller whole life policy. When I can get her name off it, I'll cancel the term life and keep the whole life. By that time too, the amount the kids will need to settle the estate (my purpose for having life insurance with adult beneficiaries) will be smaller too. The one through work, which is substantial would be a bonus for them although I have no intention on dying anytime soon.

As the significantly higher earner, I just look at this as a bit of extra non-deductable alimony that I pay. If I didn't pay it directly, I probably would be paying her more each month. It does frost my cookies to see her name on that policy every year though. It took years and multiple attempts to get her off other things, especially my pensions which I got to keep in full as part of the deal. Unless OM has money, which I doubt, she's going to struggle during retirement I'm sure. Again, I don't know for sure, but if she's using all of the money she got from me for her house - which makes sense, the numbers add up, and she's certainly no dummy when it comes to finance - then that will certainly help although she would have to move out to realize the results of that investment. Our original plan for us was to pay the house right off and then when we could no longer maintain it - which had been planned for around now due to her pain and mobility issues - we would move into a smaller place and invest the proceeds from the house into an annuity.

I was honestly surprised after she got that first big cheque from me when the house settled that she didn't go out and blow a chunk of it on trips or cars. One of the main indicators that OM didn't come in to the relationship with the bankroll that I had though he had and that she had been bragging to her friends about. There certainly are no indicators that they are living large.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/21/21 03:40 PM
I just love you, Andrew! I have been having a few down days this week and your posts this morning actually made me chuckle aloud and smile, albeit for a rather dark reason...............

I am a HUGE fan of true crime shows on television. I swear I must have been an investigator or something in another life because they just fascinate me. One of my favorites is "Snapped". I joke to Sparky all the time that I watch these shows for the educational value and the number 1 lesson I have learned is that when I kill him for his life insurance money, I have to be sure that I do NOT go buy myself new boobs straight away, move to a fancy house, buy a new car, or take an extended tropical vacation because then I will be the prime suspect. We have a running dialogue about this frequently and we both think we're very funny, though as I type this I think people would probably think we were just both crazier than Bessie bugs.

Your posts made me think of these little banter sessions Sparky and I have occasionally and reminded me of why he and I just fit. We have the same warped sense of humor. Like I said, WE think we're funny. LOL

(For the record, Sparky has a modest life insurance policy that his mother is currently the sole beneficiary on (set up before I came into the picture) and we opted to leave it that way so that if something happens to him, she is taken care of. When she is gone, we'll switch it to me. I say all that lest someone think that I'm seriously considering the plastic surgery option...................LOL)
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/21/21 04:05 PM
Dawn - can you be put on the insurance policy as a secondary beneficiary - that is, you get the money if she has already passed? That way, if, say, she passes in a car accident at the same time as Sparky, or Sparky is incapacitated and unable to give his consent to the change when she dies, you're still covered. You might want to speak to the insurance agent to see if that's possible to do.

As for who pays for the alimony insurance - seems like sometimes it's the payer and sometimes the payee. Like I said, I was happy to pay it because then I could be sure it would be paid - it was all too easy for me to imagine my ex "forgetting" to make the payments. And of course it makes sense - if I had gotten a lump sum in place of alimony, I would still have that money even if ex died in the first year after a divorce. We are talking a substantial amount of alimony here, so it was an important asset to be protected.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/21/21 04:39 PM
Originally Posted by kml
Dawn - can you be put on the insurance policy as a secondary beneficiary - that is, you get the money if she has already passed? That way, if, say, she passes in a car accident at the same time as Sparky, or Sparky is incapacitated and unable to give his consent to the change when she dies, you're still covered. You might want to speak to the insurance agent to see if that's possible to do.

Honestly had not even thought about it. The only discussion we had was that we left her as his beneficiary on his just so she would be taken care of and the burden wouldn't fall to me if he were somehow removed from the picture.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/21/21 05:10 PM
Just in case there are any newbies reading along, one of the most important pieces of advice I got was to treat the separation agreement / settlement as a business deal.

Here, in a no-fault jurisdiction, the provincial Family Law Act provides some fairly clear guidelines on how a settlement should be structured. It boils down to all assets including pensions being chain-sawed down the middle and the use of a formula to calculate child and spousal support. Spousal support is intended on allowing both parties to be able to maintain a lifestyle similar to what they had previously and is expected to carry over the lower income spouse until they can manage that on their own. EXCEPT for something called "The Rule of 65" which can extend support indefinitely if age + years married is greater than 65 which was certainly the case in my situation. This makes sense to me. An older person has less chance of ramping up their employment opportunities especially if they have been out of the workforce / minimally employed for many years as is the case for many women of my generation.

What is important to remember is that here at least, this is not "the Law", just guidelines that the courts can impose if a couple can't come to an agreement.

Since people's situations can change, the courts allow you to give lawyers more money to go back and get alterations to the agreement as situations change. When the papers were being drawn up, my XW was living alone working her job at the convenience store and "just happened to be dating someone who she started seeing long after she moved out - honest". So me earning 3 X the income certainly could be expected to kick in to top up her income as there was no legally apparent indication that any other income source from OM or other places would be showing up. As it was, it was at least another year before he sold his house and moved in with her into her apartment over the liquor store.

So - I could have started paying significantly more per month than I am now and then if/as her circumstances changed, or mine did, go back to the lawyers for a fresh agreement.

One important thing my lawyer said though stuck with me. People lie.

So - I in part played on her greed and perhaps guilt and struck a deal where a key component was that it could not be opened up again. My XW was horrified that her affair could come to light and be part of the court records so I knew she wouldn't want to go back to court again - so having something cast in stone was certainly in her interest. At the time as well I was supporting our adult son. Whether she was counting on OM having money or not at that point is a moot point but played into my reasoning in that she could get both his and my money.

Prior to this as well, I had met with my banker and asked what the limit would be on the cash I could get out of the house or on a line so I knew how much I had available.

So during the collaborative law sessions, when papers started being handed around as the lawyers followed standard practices (even though I'd told mine I wanted to negotiate specific proposals), I stopped that and pitched my I think 3 or 4 options. We had just about been to sign that my XW would get 50% of the net value of the house.

I made my pitch, they went out of the room to talk, came back with a slightly modified version and I think my lawyer hurt her foot kicking me whispering "take it take it take it".

With this agreement in place, I don't have to consider my XW's financial or relationship status at all for my own future planning. Is OM broke, or are they just living modestly with a big bank account? Doesn't matter to me - literally none of my business. And I don't have to worry about her hiding or lying about things or visa versa. I've gotten some nice raises since we split and overall now that I've recovered from the financial hit of having S and her crew under my roof, have a financial position that is just slightly better than what existed in the last years of the marriage.

Quick back of the envelope math tells me that the policy I'm paying for would have covered about 50% of the total support obligation and currently about 150%. Since I'm just a guy who waves a clipboard this is a decent amount of cash but certainly not something to do anything rash about.

The positives of being able to keep my pensions, the family home which I find comfortable and affordable, and to know that there is an end date certainly are good things for me. If I were in her shoes I certainly would be watching that monthly counter tick over with growing concern. She's getting about 33% of her income from that payment ignoring inflation and had little in the way of retirement savings when we split. She may have gotten a legacy from her parents when they passed but it wouldn't be a lot as her father was very bad with money. OM - assuming that he has life insurance - as a former small business owner a lot of things get skipped - it's probably for his own kids and grandkids.


Originally Posted by kml
That way, if, say, she passes in a car accident at the same time as Sparky, or Sparky is incapacitated and unable to give his consent
Just as an aside, I hope you have considered getting your wills and power of attorney in place. My lawyer charged a discounted fee to do both at once and another discount if both sides of a couple got everything done at once.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/24/21 02:54 PM
Happy Sunny Sunday all.

Not a huge amount to report but enough to justify opening up the ole online diary.

Friday morning I woke up with a fair amount of pain - I think I had an angina attack in the night. Blargh. I took a couple of aspirin and felt decent enough by the time I needed to leave for work. The pain persisted for a while though and the fuzzy head as well which is always a nuisance. Worrisome when I think about it, living alone here. It's always been a concern for me but not one that has ever - I believe - played a role in looking for a partner. I'm pretty sure that my health was always a concern for my XW - she was very avoidant of the subject of death and even though we never talked about it, finding me cold and smelly in the morning was probably something she was very afraid of. Odd that OM is (I believe) a fair bit older. As a creature of routine I would probably be missed fairly quickly. There's a young nurse who lives around the corner that actually carries one of those zappy machine things in her car. My daughter (the one who can be counted on to answer her phone) has her contact information.

Over-all though my health is better I think than it was when I was married - I've not been walking lately and need to get back to that. I have some yard work that I'm going to let slide but I was pleased that I was able to move my snow tires around with no difficulty which I got put on yesterday. Not sure what caused the pain but certainly something to monitor. I did turn in the prescription that I had for anxiety from back last year. I never did take any of those pills.

I did get a fresh haircut on Friday. I usually had a basic crew-cut - I used to say "George Clooney". The new barber I've been going to did a very different cut, leaving a lot of hair on top of the head which I presume is the fashion these days. I've seen quite a few young people with hair like that. I asked the barber this time to not let it be so long and to do a more basic haircut. I looked at it later and for those that get the reference I think it looks a lot like Tintin. I'm good with that as Tintin is a pretty cool character although I think that Snowy was the actual brains of the outfit.

I was also surprised to have an old friend drop by the plant on Friday. He's a salesman with our biggest customer (everybody knows everybody in this business) so I took him on a plant tour and got him in to see the company president. It was interesting to be a fly on the wall when they talked about the various customers, trends and opportunities. I probably learned more about our business in that short while than I have in a long time.

There's a project that's come up with Corporate that is going to take a bunch of time so I'm going to work from home 2 days/week on a limited agenda for the plant for a month or so to try to get it taken care of. I'll have to do an hour or so at the start and end of the day for the plant and then in between work on the project. It will be nice to do something within my old scope of work that I like to think I'm quite good at.

I do have my vacation booked for the end of November / start of December for 2 weeks. I'll fly out to see my daughter and her husband for the weekend of Dec 4/5. I'm going to check flights. I had reached out to my travel agent but they never got back to me so I think for this one that I'll just book it myself. I'm not 100% sure if I'll take a day to just wander around Seattle on my own for a day or not.

Yesterday was a good day. I was talking to "F" at the flower shop and mentioned that I'll be dropping of a bag of Halloween candy for her son and her like usual. I do wonder if she is interested in me - I joke that she gives me the flowers she wants me to have and I just buy them and "do what I'm told" which seems to get a chuckle from the other staff. She has great taste and I get varieties of roses that I might not have experienced otherwise so win-win as far as I'm concerned.

She pushed me to check out their discount table too and I found a lovely wreath for $5 that will go up at Christmas.

She is quite a bit younger than I am and her son is I believe 8 or 9 now. She did have a guy in her life I know about a year or so ago but think that ended as she has mentioned from time to time about having some weekends completely to herself when her son is with his Dad. I don't know and haven't asked. It's one of those awkward things that makes dating difficult.

I am slowly I think moving towards dating again but not to the point where I'm wanting to actively do anything about it. It's been at least a year of celibacy which I'm fine with and just about a year since I asked S to move out. I certainly don't miss what I had with her - it was toxic for me. I've not heard from or about her since she moved out, nor from her kids. I have little curiosity too.

The thoughts of having to go through something like that again bothers me a lot. And despite the generally accepted advice to date for a while before allowing cohabitation, for me, it's trying to identify those things that are indeed deal-breakers before I get too emotionally attached. Identifying proxies for the things that are important to me is something I've given a fair bit of thought to. Money management can be spotted fairly easily I think - do they think before buying something, do they insist on contributing on dates and take the lead. Housekeeping I think can be judged by the amount of trash they generate. I'm pretty far on the other side of the normal spectrum on that going roughly 6 weeks these days without putting the can out to the curb. How they treat people at restaurants etc, the condition of their vehicle.

Kindness and compassion is a tough one to spot I think because it's so easy to fake.

From another thread
Originally Posted by kml
You don't NEED a partner but you'd like to have one - that's normal. Sex is great and having someone who is your sounding board is great (although to be fair I do have a best friend who can fill the sounding board role as well). Companionship is nice. It would be grand to have someone who would care for me if I was sick the way I care for CMM, but for most women, honestly, we are more likely to end up caring for the guy since their life expectancy is lower. At least I have grown kids and family who will take care of me if that becomes necessary.

And sure - talk to multiple people at once. If you went to a party you might end up speaking with more than one person, right?
I laughed when I saw this. I do indeed try to talk to multiple people at a party. One of the things I didn't like about social events with my XW was how she would latch on to / be latched on to by others and then we never ventured outside that. I did end up though at the wedding I was at recently being button-holed by one of the other attendees who just kept talking and I couldn't get away. I did manage before that though to wander around a bit and visit with my various cousins etc.

---

Yesterday was pretty productive. We've had some good frosts so I picked what was left in the "garden". Actually it's my flower beds next to the house but I also plant pepper and tomato plants in with the flowers. I had some 300,000 Scoville peppers that weren't ripe that I didn't want to go to waste so tossed those plus some sweet peppers, unripe cherry tomatoes, and some garlic that was needing to be used up into a pot of vinegar and let that bubble for a while then blended it roughly with my immersion blender. I had a small taste this morning and put it in my omlette. It turned out surprisingly good. Lots of heat but also quite a lot of flavour. The three small jars I made will probably last for quite a while.

I also managed to get a big chunk of my Christmas shopping done yesterday. I have everything for my son-in-law and about 1/3 of what I'm getting for my daughter. I have some good ideas on what to get for my son and have been browsing the Lee Valley Christmas catalogue for ideas too.

Last night I watched Hocus Pocus - what a really cheezy movie. I kept hoping that I would start enjoying but never did. I then watched the first Lord of the Rings for the first time in a "lot" of years and quite enjoyed that. The cat enjoyed having a lap for such an extended period of time. I've been trying to make time for him although he's gotten used to me sitting at my desk for quite a lot and he's currently purring loudly while making sure that some receipts I need to put into my cheque register stay put by laying on them.

Ah well - enough for now. I'm meeting my son for brunch and need to get moving. He's not responded to any of my texts on the subject but that's not unusual.

Still not sure what to make for dinner tonight. I have a pretty full pantry at the moment, especially with regards to meat. I'm thinking duck stew with fresh biscuits.
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/24/21 03:52 PM
Don’t you have and nitroglycerin pills to take when you get angina?

I don’t know if you have it up there in Canada, but Dune is playing on HBO Max this month and my son and I quite enjoyed it. Beautiful scenery and special effects and cinematography, and they’re not trying to cram too much in. Lovely.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/24/21 04:59 PM
Good Morning Andrew

LOTR is one of my favourite! Love the story, the scenes, and the music is superb.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
Kindness and compassion is a tough one to spot I think because it's so easy to fake.

You’ve mentioned this many times over the years. I seem to see through disingenuous behaviour and words more easily.

How people treat people is a pretty good indicator. And not just at restaurants. Kindness is not measured by the amount of your tip or the coin in the collection plate. One does not buy a kind soul.

I recall coming home with my still pretty new car. Not even gravel or dirt on the floor mats yet. Lol.

Anyhow, a group of kind folks were standing gathered around a person on the sidewalk in town. This group of folks were all looking and standing. I did a u-turn, stopped, and got out.

The guy was the town drunk. He had fallen off the sidewalk and into the bushes. He was cut and bleeding. The bottle he was hiding within his coat sleeve had broken and the booze had wetted down his arm and side. He leashed dog was still tugging on him, and he was thoroughly tangled within the brambles of the hedge.

I went straight to him. Remove the dog’s leash from his hand/wrist and handed it over to the only one of the peanut gallery that offered to help me. Notice, help me, not help him. The gal took the dog while I got the poor guy out of the hedge. I cleaned him up as best I could. Had the gal walk his dog to his house and told her to wait and I’d return to look after it.

I poured this less than coordinated guy into my car. Secured the seat belt and drove him to the hospital. Ha, he was one of my very first passengers.

The gaggle of kind folks dispersed.

After dropping him off and updating the nurse with what I knew, I went back to his house. I took the dog from the gal, let myself in to his house, and let the dog of his leash in the porch. There was food and water there.

Interestingly, and sorry apparently you’ve inspired me to story tell, I recently had a run in with this guy.

He walks his dog down the road in front of my property. He walks down the incorrect side of the road, with traffic instead of facing traffic. He keeps his dog on its leash until he reaches my property edge. At this point he lets his dog off leash and it ambled around and into my bushes and property and deposits it’s gifts. Once he has walked past my property frontage, he and dog them move across the road to the proper side, facing traffic, continuing to the mile road and then down that gravel road.

I asked him to clean up after his dog. Or let him off leash after my property - it is farm land after that. I maintain and mow my ditch, the ditches past me are not.

Well goodness me. No way! He blew up! He threaten to call the cops. Said I was harassing him. And on and on. I remained calm. He was quite upset.

I assured him all I was doing was asking him to please clean up after his dog or let him off leash 500 feet later. Ah, irrational folks. He went ballistic. Told me his doesn’t have to talk to me. I assured him he is correct and he doesn’t have to talk with me. All I’m doing is talking to you. It’s completely up to you if you respond.

He had some difficultly speaking and walking. For the ten minute conversation he stood in place. Never moved. Just angry and argumentative. When I pointed out this fact, that he hadn’t moved and was indeed talking to me, it was something to see. Reality slams into the irrational perception abruptly.

“I should just walk on the other f-ing side of the road. Those people don’t have a f-ing problem with me or my dog.”

(Bingo. Negotiating with irrational people, it has to feel like it is their idea.)

You are free to do so. I do not control you, nor tell you where to walk. I’m only asking you clean up after your dog.

I’ve not seen him walk by on my side since. And lately he seems to have found a different route for his walks.

Methinks, he doesn’t know it was I who hauled him out of those bushes and let him bleed in my car. Lol.

Good thing kindness is it’s own reward. smile

Oh, and kindness ain’t being a doormat either.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
…it's trying to identify those things that are indeed deal-breakers before I get too emotionally attached.

Some things only get revealed or discovered once we get emotionally involved. Once we get further along passed infatuation. Hence, dating for a while.

Huge deal-breakers are pretty evident. The lesser extreme and still valid deal-breakers are harder to uncover “before”.

We must risk ourselves. One cannot discover all deal-breakers before any attachment or risk of hurt. That’s how life is. Be well healed, strong and stable, and live it. That holds true for much more than dating I suppose. smile

You haven’t had an angina attack for quite a while. Well, one you’ve shared here.

I also live alone. I understand that worrisome feeling. I consider how long would it take to be discovered if I fell down the stairs. Post pending retirement, quite some time. Likely weeks.

We must risk ourselves to live.

Still, might have to invest in some manner of self alerting gizmo. Even though I’n not that old.

I have a aunt who is now 96. A few years ago she fell while walking down the back lane in winter and broke her leg. Luckily, and truly luckily, she was discovered laying there in the snowy lane. It was -20C or so. Just an easy stroll to the store. Had she not been discovered she’d have froze. At 94 she could not drag herself to get help.

At 53, I’m pretty sure I could drag my self up the stairs. Or is that just male ego and denial. Lol.

Hmmm. Maybe I need a phone on each level of the house. Oh, now bargaining. The last attempt at holding on to what was.

Sigh, fine. Get the stupid life line gizmo. Haha. Acceptance.

Have a great day my friend.

D
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/24/21 06:18 PM
Originally Posted by kml
Don’t you have and nitroglycerin pills to take when you get angina?
I have nitro spray which my understanding is I am to take "prior" to doing something that may overstrain my plumbing. This episode seemingly came out of nowhere.
Originally Posted by kml
I don’t know if you have it up there in Canada, but Dune is playing on HBO Max this month and my son and I quite enjoyed it. Beautiful scenery and special effects and cinematography, and they’re not trying to cram too much in. Lovely.
I am looking forward to seeing this adaptation. It would be nice to see it in a theatre but will most likely wait until it is either available to buy so I can re-watch whenever I like. I built my own PLEX streaming server on a Raspberry PI recently which works quite well for me.
Originally Posted by DnJ
I recall coming home with my still pretty new car.
I have similar stories. One was standing knee deep in flood water across the street trying to keep the storm drains clear when the village got flooded a number of years. More than one person told me that it was the municipalities job and not mine - at least one of them was pretty forceful in his opinion. I was there, I saw what needed to be done and did it. I know that "C" will often drive people to doctor's appointments and such-like which is one of the things I admire about her.
Originally Posted by DnJ
We must risk ourselves. One cannot discover all deal-breakers before any attachment or risk of hurt. That’s how life is. Be well healed, strong and stable, and live it. That holds true for much more than dating I suppose. smile
I agree. I'm still much more risk averse than I was a couple of years ago. I'll need to get to a place where the risk is balanced by the reward and, in part no doubt because I'm not looking, I don't see a reward worthy of the risk.

Originally Posted by DnJ
You haven’t had an angina attack for quite a while. Well, one you’ve shared here.
The last one was I think about 3 months ago after a weekend of heavy yard work. I have "stable angina" - I know what can trigger it, overwork, anxiety, stress. Not sure where this one came from which is why I'm worried.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Sigh, fine. Get the stupid life line gizmo. Haha. Acceptance.
For quite some time I used an app called Life 360 which I joked with my kids should be called "are you wearing pants". It works based on geofencing so they would get an alert when I left the property ("Dad - did you remember to wear pants") laugh , got to work etc. It was nice to know that they had that info. My daughter used it with her husband so instead of texting back and forth "when are you done work", she'd get an alert when he left the boat and know to be home and working on dinner.

Kind of like back in the day I would call home when I was 1/2 hour away, let the phone ring twice and then my wife would know I was on my way. I think towards the end, it also gave her time to put things back to rights - there was one episode of coming home to her washing wine glasses (she hated doing dishes) and swearing that there was only one glass despite me seeing two. Sigh.

I should test my smart speakers - I think I only have to ask them to call the kids and it would. I have 3 scattered around the house

Anyhoodles, the Life 360 app worked well. In the line of work you are in, there are tools / apps for "working alone / man down" monitoring that you might be familiar with. They'll alert on a fall through the bump or on the device not moving at all. Lots of different ways to do it especially with modern tech. One I really liked that I saw a few years ago was one where a person's grandfather had a tendency to wander in the night so they wired up his socks to send an alert if he got out of bed in the night.
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/24/21 07:12 PM
Quote
there was one episode of coming home to her washing wine glasses (she hated doing dishes) and swearing that there was only one glass despite me seeing two. Sigh.

Yuck!

Apple Watches series 4 and higher have a feature where it will alert emergency services if you take a hard fall and don’t move for a minute. I don’t have an Apple Watch, have just read about it.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/25/21 11:39 AM
Good Morning Andrew

Knee deep in the flood waters. smile Yep. Roll up your sleeves - or pant legs - and do what needs to be done.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
The last one was I think about 3 months ago after a weekend of heavy yard work. I have "stable angina" - I know what can trigger it, overwork, anxiety, stress. Not sure where this one came from which is why I'm worried.

An out of the blue attack is pretty rare for you. Glad you are deferring the heavy yard work for a while.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I would call home when I was 1/2 hour away, let the phone ring twice and then my wife would know I was on my way.

J and I had a code like that as well. When I worked away, I’d call around a certain time, let it ring twice and hang up. J would then call me. We had a home long distance plan which was much cheaper than making calls from the hotel room. Of course, this was back before cell phones. Wow, remember life before all these nifty gadgets?

Originally Posted by AndrewP
…there was one episode of coming home to her washing wine glasses (she hated doing dishes) and swearing that there was only one glass despite me seeing two. Sigh.

I understand that. The implied bit.

I once asked J, post separation, how many times she cheated while we were married. She turned silent and just looked down. I said, don’t worry about it, its over, it doesn’t matter any more. She then stammered - none. Of course, OM was a for sure count of one. One who she left for and was living with. Needless to say I was not believing her story of none. Still kind of curious as to the actual number.

In my line of work, yes working alone plans are necessary. There are apps, that behave like a deadman switch. These apps alarm at a preset timeframe and one would signal they are alright. If no ok signal the app then calls for help.

Oddly, or not so much if you knew the inner working of my corporation, we do not have these apps. We have to call in to an overworked and understaffed call center and trust that they will call us back at our agreed time, and then contact our set up help people after. A few times this has been unwittingly enacted. Working through the agreed time limit. And no call! Ah, yet another broken process. I prefer processes and systems that I have more control over.

Something like the Apple Watch as kml pointed out, with automatic calling sounds pretty good. Of course, I need to wear the darn the thing. Lol. Maybe GPS socks. smile

Have a great Monday.

D
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/25/21 09:00 PM
D - an Apple watch type device not be as useful in your profession, as wouldn’t it likely get electrocuted too?
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/25/21 10:22 PM
Andrew, have you called your doctor about this out of the blue attack? If not, why not? Please do so.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/26/21 12:51 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Andrew, have you called your doctor about this out of the blue attack? If not, why not? Please do so.
Been through this before. I'll just rub dirt on it crazy

Based on past experience - and I have had these unexpected attacks before - after the few days that it takes to actually get an appointment, they take my blood pressure, maybe do an ultrasound and schedule an appointment with a specialist a month or so later who would put me on a stress test that I pass easily. I've been managing this condition probably since my late 30s.

If I were to see them while I'm having the episode that could maybe help - but again, I don't think there's a lot to be done other than managing things. Human bodies are unpredictable things - put together in the dark by amateurs as I like to say wink Even cars that you can take the parts out of and test them are unpredictable things - working fine in front of the mechanic. Can't just swap parts out of a living being to see if that helps. You can't even open the hood to look inside all that well. crazy

On my male line we have a history of heart conditions although neither of my brothers have any problems. Both my grandfather and father had moderately serious heart attacks around my age although I think I have less risk factors than they did. My dad - who loved his peanut butter and brown sugar sandwiches - had a quadruple bypass I think in his early 60s. My cardiologist assures me that he'll be seeing me at some point in the future for some sort of procedure.

On a better note, my grandfather lived until his 90s and died after he broke his hip and decided to stop eating. My dad died in his 70s when he caught influenza in the nursing home he was in for non-hereditary dementia. He was otherwise in good health - the staff considered him a big gentle giant.

I remember reading / hearing once that you tend to live to within a few years of your mother. Mine passed at 64 from colon cancer. Something I get tested for regularly.

{{bttrfly}} - thanks for caring - I really do appreciate it. As someone who lives alone with what could be considered a chronic condition - it can be pretty concerning and I worry about that.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/31/21 04:52 PM
Happy Halloween!

I've asked my son to stop by later to help me get the sloop out of the shed and to put away the outdoor benches. I'm still not feeling 100% so figured there's no sense being silly. He's going to put on his snow tires while he's here. Snow is in the forecast for sometime this week perhaps.

He's usually in the village on Sunday nights for his weekly poker game although I'm not 100% sure that's on this week.

On Saturday I dropped off the bags of candy for F at the flower shop for her and her son like I usually do. She was doing some work in the back and I was a bit bothered when the owner of the shop went back and got her to come to the front. Makes sense I suppose - I do think that most of the staff there still thinks we should be dating. I worry a bit that it could be considered that I'm leading her on (?) I don't know her relationship status although I believe she is single again. She did have someone living with her last summer I believe but get the feeling that it didn't work out. Hard to tell and (in my opinion) rude to ask.

As days pass I do feel more and more sure that I will at some point date again. Not sure when / how though. No real rush. Someone like F would be in some ways a good match. She's kind and capable. She also has some negatives though too. Her young son and his Dad would also be part of the deal. His Dad is very involved and I think actually lives in the apartment just below F. Great for the kid. I don't really want to be involved in raising a kid though. I'd thought I would be ok with that but my experience with S certainly disabused me of that notion. She was perhaps an extreme case in that she was not an involved parent.

Work is better now that I'm not putting in quite so many hours. I'm actually doing up the paperwork for tomorrow's loads right now but that's par for the course. The fact that I'm not dealing with what I felt was the craziness of scheduling trucks and making sure they rolled through has freed up my afternoons though so I've not had to work nights to catch up as much.

My boss - who complained a lot about how I was doing the loading planning has taken on this task. I feel a bit annoyed because almost everything I was told I was doing wrong, he does it even more extremely. Loads are shifted around through the day, the guys have no clear idea what their day will look like and last minute orders are jumping in. One of the things I don't like about working for this guy is that he's never wrong - even when he demonstrably is. He always reflects any issues back. One example is that he complained I didn't have things set for a load that never was processed until I had already left for the day. I pointed this out and was told that I should have known about it. Sigh. It's just the way he is. Another example was when I had the plans in place for some production based on a feeling that an order for a particular product was due. I was told to not do it that way, drained the tanks and then, yep - the order I was expecting popped up and I had an empty tank so everyone had to scramble. Again, he never accepted that he made a mistake.

I was a bit annoyed because one of the drivers went into the control room and tore a strip off the guy working there because his trucks weren't being loaded as he would like. This is something that I would have dealt with before. I did wander out and chatted with the operator and let him vent. I have a good relationship with the staff I think that has mutual respect and good humour. The don't hesitate to both tease me or ask for my advice.

Ah well - a bit more office work to do then time to get my ironing done so that I can be ready for the ghouls and goblins.
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/31/21 05:08 PM
Have fun tonight!
Posted By: Traveler Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 10/31/21 05:47 PM
Originally Posted by Andrew
I worry a bit that it could be considered that I'm leading her on (?)
From what I've read, you're showing interest, but have not dated and there's no reason for her to believe you're focusing on her. Unless you'd never in a million years date her--and I don't get that impression--I don't think you're leading her on.

Originally Posted by Andrew
Someone like F would be in some ways a good match. She's kind and capable. She also has some negatives though too. Her young son and his Dad would also be part of the deal. His Dad is very involved and I think actually lives in the apartment just below F. Great for the kid. I don't really want to be involved in raising a kid though.
While some may say I'm colorblind ("CWarrior: I may be colorblind.."), you're getting ahead of yourself, my friend. If her son has a dad who is actively involved she may not want, or may want but may not require another parent. As you date, you discover how well your goals and lives fit together. Don't miss warning flags (like me!), but also don't make too many assumptions. Some people assume themselves out of happily ever afters.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/01/21 12:34 PM
Originally Posted by CWarrior
While some may say I'm colorblind ("CWarrior: I may be colorblind.."), you're getting ahead of yourself, my friend. If her son has a dad who is actively involved she may not want, or may want but may not require another parent. As you date, you discover how well your goals and lives fit together. Don't miss warning flags (like me!), but also don't make too many assumptions. Some people assume themselves out of happily ever afters.
Not red flags, just things that I don't want to have to deal with. I have no interest in dating F even if she is a person I respect and like. So not really getting ahead of myself either. I had been interested in dating her years ago but that has passed by as I've learned more about myself and how I am choosing to live my life.

---

It was a decent Halloween. I got 42 kids which all things considered was good. It started raining which certainly put an - ahem - damper - on things. I was able to get everything more or less packed up and put away by shortly after 8:00 and in to bed by 9:00

I felt a bit bad about my son - who was not happy with me at all. I'd asked him to stop by and help get things out and to put away some of the heavier things in the yard and said that I'd like it to be done by 5:00. He also wanted to get his snow tires on. He showed up at 4:50 by which time I already had the sloop dragged out of the shed blocking the driveway so snow tires were out of the question. He grumbled that he would have to go back home and then turn around 45 minutes later to come back for his poker game. I offered that he could just hang out at the house and graze on some of the available food but he chose not to.

I'd expected him mid-afternoon but he had only seen the 5:00 on my note and planned accordingly.

So he did help me with the benches and planters but I did the boat myself - about 1000 lbs to shift around. It did get hung up at one point and I became suddenly clever and used the winch to move it along on that bit. I also had to pack it away in the shed on my own as well - I don't think it ever crossed his mind that I could use a hand with that. I ended up with a pretty sore back and dosed myself with nitro. Some liniment and a good night's sleep and I'm not really any worse for wear.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/02/21 01:32 PM
Well - some positive things.

I put my sailboat up for sale for $500 including trailer (worth over $1000) and tarp shed (originally $800 I think) and it got snapped up same day. The buyer was keen and met me after work and handed me cash money. A bit of an odd character - he made a point of telling me of his history as a drug dealer and really tough guy perhaps expecting a reaction (?) I found him rather unpleasant but let him ramble on. He does have an intent of getting the boat out on the water and it would be nice to see that happen. I did make a point of mentioning the cameras that I have going. He said that he expects to pick up the boat, trailer and shed today. I just saw on the side porch camera that he arrived pretty much bang on 9:00 to get the boat. I'll keep half an eye on things for a while.

He also rambled on about how attractive he was to women including the 35 year old he is currently seeing (he's maybe my age?) - and then mentioned that he also provides her with her more - ahem - medicinal needs. Sad in many ways that there are people who live that sort of life-style and believe it to be a great life. Each to their own I suppose. Certainly has no appeal to me. Based on his stories, he's well known to local law enforcement. I've become more aware of the darker side of our small communities around here - some people in it by choice, some just less advantaged. I'm intending on donating at least a good chunk of the money I got for the boat to some local charities that do some good work in the community. I do expect that at least some of it was not obtained through regular commercial channels. Ethical conundrum.

In other positive news, I won a sketch this morning done by a favourite artist - Dave Kellett - that I sponsor on Patreon. I'm looking forward to having this - I'll need to get it properly framed and pick a spot to hang it - probably in the dining room along with a signed print from Johnny Hart that I won a few years ago. I've been trying to win his weekly contest for quite a while. You have to be the first to correctly answer a trivia question as well as being a patron of his work.

I texted my son and apologized for things not working out on Sunday and to also let him know that the boat was sold in case he was coming by today to get his snow tires. I let him know that the person coming was rather "unpleasant". He's going to come by on Thursday and I think appreciated the apology.

---

I've been wondering how much of my interest in dating is seasonal / hormonal - certainly is a factor I think. As you might guess by my routine ramblings here though I miss having someone to share my life and experiences with. Perhaps in the new year I'll do a bit more active changes on that end. Or perhaps not.
Posted By: job Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/02/21 02:13 PM
Selling your items didn't take long at all. I'm glad you got cash for your items. I'm sure you are sorry to see the boat go, but it's been a while since you put "her" in the water. You will put the money to good use and these items are something that you do not have to worry about any longer. Keep an eye on your cameras.
Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/02/21 04:17 PM
Sometimes getting rid of things that have become mostly clutter to us but can be put to good use by others feels really good!

I think that your renewed interest in dating is happening because your job change finally put you in a position to have a little free time again. Dating in these pandemic times must be a challenge. In other times I would simply advise you to start by widening your friend activities; I think the more full your life is with friends, the less you "need" a partner, and therefore the less vulnerable you become to bad choices (or, at least, the less those bad choices affect your life!).
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/03/21 11:36 AM
Originally Posted by kml
Sometimes getting rid of things that have become mostly clutter to us but can be put to good use by others feels really good!
I will say that when I came home and that 24' shed was no longer there making me feel guilty about not working on the boat, that I felt in some similar ways to coming home and finding that my XW had finally picked up her stuff that had been sitting in boxes for months.

A "no longer my problem" feeling. Sadness, because the end of an era, but absolutely lighter by no longer having that burden. And also a feeling of optimism for future changes.

Originally Posted by kml
I think that your renewed interest in dating is happening because your job change finally put you in a position to have a little free time again.
Didn't think of it that way but you quite possibly are absolutely correct. Still not feeling any urge to be active about it and start cruising the OLD dating thing. One thing that has surprised me is the fact that none of my various friends or relatives have made any effort to set me up with anyone. Perhaps not something that's common any more? Or perhaps they don't see anyone that I would be a good match for.

---

Working from home today for the first time in a long time. I have a special project that needs some focus. I negotiated to do my plant work in the morning and afternoon and leave the middle of the day for the project. I can put in 4 days before I go on vacation at the end of the month and that hopefully will get most of it taken care of. Was weird to not have to get up and hustling at 5:00 - slept in to 5:45. We seemed to have had a power outage last night that I slept through thanks to my new UPS on my CPAP. A skiff of fresh snow is on the ground meaning that I may wait a few days before cleaning up from where the she used to sit.

Well - the morning reports from the plant are coming in - need to deal with those.

A bien tot
Posted By: DnJ Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/03/21 11:55 AM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
…I slept through thanks to my new UPS on my CPAP.

Yay!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/03/21 12:38 PM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Didn't think of it that way but you quite possibly are absolutely correct. Still not feeling any urge to be active about it and start cruising the OLD dating thing. One thing that has surprised me is the fact that none of my various friends or relatives have made any effort to set me up with anyone. Perhaps not something that's common any more? Or perhaps they don't see anyone that I would be a good match for.

Or, MAYBE, they don't see anyone who would be a good match for you. Maybe their single acquaintances aren't good enough for you because you are a catch. Ever think about it that way???
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/03/21 12:49 PM
Code

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Posted By: kml Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/03/21 03:33 PM
The one and only time someone tried to set me up since my divorce was awful - they didn't tell me it was a setup (couple invited me to a concert, I get there and find their friend "just happened" to come along). We had a light meal prior to the concert and he told my friend she didn't need to tip that much! (She was just tipping a normal amount, not excessive, and the waitress had been fine). As a former waitress myself that just pissed me off. He was a chiropractor too who made plenty of money, certainly enough to tip his waitress!
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/03/21 04:11 PM
Originally Posted by kml
The one and only time someone tried to set me up since my divorce was awful - they didn't tell me it was a setup (couple invited me to a concert, I get there and find their friend "just happened" to come along). We had a light meal prior to the concert and he told my friend she didn't need to tip that much! (She was just tipping a normal amount, not excessive, and the waitress had been fine). As a former waitress myself that just pissed me off. He was a chiropractor too who made plenty of money, certainly enough to tip his waitress!
shows a profound lack of generosity of spirit. who needs that.
and, ugh - awkward!

I thank God every day that no one has tried the old matchmaking routine with me. I'd not respond well.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/03/21 04:13 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I thank God every day that no one has tried the old matchmaking routine with me. I'd not respond well.
What's got your panties in a bunch BF?
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/03/21 04:38 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I thank God every day that no one has tried the old matchmaking routine with me. I'd not respond well.
Years ago we tried to set my younger brother up with a friend. Took them out to a pub for the evening as a foursome. All got along decently and a good time was had but there was no "spark". In that case, both were looking to date someone and were ok with being set up for an evening out rather than having it pushed on them.

I'd like to think that someone who knows both parties would be a good judge, and I there's another thread on here somewhere where that is being given a try.

I met my XW through a mutual friend who arranged for her to show up at a pub where we were having a drink. She fit in with all my friends who were there and I walked her home that night - the rest as they say was history.

On the other-hand my experience with this has been limited - I think that if there were expectations attached that would be problematic.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/03/21 06:08 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I thank God every day that no one has tried the old matchmaking routine with me. I'd not respond well.
What's got your panties in a bunch BF?


I had something happen yesterday that was so off the wall and out of bounds as to be really creepy. I know two people who are likely involved in this mystery, one whom has such little regard for boundaries that I've recently given her the heave ho as a friend. The other likely manipulated the situation and will not enjoy our next conversation. It's a boundaries thing, LH. What Kml described ... the friends were well meaning, but not telling her upfront? Yeah, that's not cool in my book. if someone tried to matchmake and not tell me, so I showed up expecting dinner with my friends and suddenly there's some random dude there as well .... yeah, I am not a fan of surprises like that.

OTOH, if someone said, hey we want to introduce you to this guy we think you'd like, I'd probably say if we can do it in a larger gathering, so it's not so focused on just me and the guy and the other couple, sure, I'd meet someone. It's about being consulted first rather than surprised. Does that make sense?
Posted By: LH19 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/03/21 06:50 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
It's about being consulted first rather than surprised. Does that make sense?
Personally I would have just had fun but that's how I roll.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/03/21 07:57 PM
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
It's about being consulted first rather than surprised. Does that make sense?
Personally I would have just had fun but that's how I roll.
growing up as an only child kept under the overly watchful gaze of a helicopter parent, nope, that would tweak me into such a state of uncomfortableness that I wouldn't be able to relax and have fun. I'd feel like I was under constant scrutiny. we all have our "things" ...
Posted By: LH19 Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/03/21 09:05 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
It's about being consulted first rather than surprised. Does that make sense?
Personally I would have just had fun but that's how I roll.
growing up as an only child kept under the overly watchful gaze of a helicopter parent, nope, that would tweak me into such a state of uncomfortableness that I wouldn't be able to relax and have fun. I'd feel like I was under constant scrutiny. we all have our "things" ...
Sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone. That’s how you grow.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/04/21 01:02 AM
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
It's about being consulted first rather than surprised. Does that make sense?
Personally I would have just had fun but that's how I roll.
growing up as an only child kept under the overly watchful gaze of a helicopter parent, nope, that would tweak me into such a state of uncomfortableness that I wouldn't be able to relax and have fun. I'd feel like I was under constant scrutiny. we all have our "things" ...
Sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone. That’s how you grow.
agreed. just not going there right now. too much growth in other areas, taking precedence, lol.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 - 11/04/21 12:36 PM
New thread time. Excavation and recovery continues.

Rebuilding and renewal - 8
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