Rope dropping and grey rocks - 08/20/21 07:12 PM
Previous Thread Onward and Upward
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 08/20/21 07:24 PM
Originally Posted by DnJ
Boundaries are for you. Boundaries are for your mental, physical, and emotional health. They are not an attempt to change, alter, or fix our wayward spouse.
Know your boundaries. Base then not solely upon how you feel, ensure they have logical and reasoned underpinnings.
Set your boundaries. Clearly. By the way, one can have a clearly set boundary without saying a word.
Enforce your boundaries. Make them rock solid. H will test them. He will push and smash against them. Let him. Like waves crashing against the barrier it matters not, for you are safe on the other side.
Remember you only control you. Boundaries sometimes get mixed up into a power / control struggle. They are just you asserting your actions for your health when H crosses the predetermined line.
His use of any and every excuse in the book to contact you can be blocked. Block his number. Or let his calls go to voice mail. Silent his number so his calls and texts make no noise. Check his message only once a week. Whatever level you think you require. Dim, dark, no contact.
I prefer not to talk about your father. That being said, I always will discuss things with you. If you and your life has confusion, questions, or problems; and those have an element of Dad in them, I will still be willing to talk. My love for you far exceeded my desire not to discuss H. I may not bring him up much, but you can if you need too.
Something like that. Perhaps.
Have a wonderful day Hope.
D
Know your boundaries. Base then not solely upon how you feel, ensure they have logical and reasoned underpinnings.
Set your boundaries. Clearly. By the way, one can have a clearly set boundary without saying a word.
Enforce your boundaries. Make them rock solid. H will test them. He will push and smash against them. Let him. Like waves crashing against the barrier it matters not, for you are safe on the other side.
Remember you only control you. Boundaries sometimes get mixed up into a power / control struggle. They are just you asserting your actions for your health when H crosses the predetermined line.
His use of any and every excuse in the book to contact you can be blocked. Block his number. Or let his calls go to voice mail. Silent his number so his calls and texts make no noise. Check his message only once a week. Whatever level you think you require. Dim, dark, no contact.
I prefer not to talk about your father. That being said, I always will discuss things with you. If you and your life has confusion, questions, or problems; and those have an element of Dad in them, I will still be willing to talk. My love for you far exceeded my desire not to discuss H. I may not bring him up much, but you can if you need too.
Something like that. Perhaps.
Have a wonderful day Hope.
D
Blocked his number on Sunday. It needed to happen.
Your suggestion is perfect and what I have been trying to do for so long. As I thought about it, yes, it did upset me, but it passed. I just want to move beyond where we talk about XH so much. I think time will help, and our previous conversation. We were such a close family for so long, I do need to allow for adjustments and extend grace. It's a transition for all involved. That's probably why we all kind of allowed XH to pretend that everything was the same and played along. Maybe we all just weren't ready to face it. Or
It seemed "easier" short term, but now it's time for me to face my new normal and live in it.
To be fair, my new normal is probably easier at this point than it is for the kids. They miss the family they grew up in, but I don't miss being his wife. So my future looks bright and good and they still have unknowns, especially given that an OW is being thrust upon them.
That just hit me. I have more to ponder.
(((hugs)) to you all for your support!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 08/21/21 12:24 AM
Hello Hope
Yes the kids do have Dad’s girlfriend being forced into their lives. The upheaval of the family and Dad’s weird behaviour will take time for them to accept.
One of the big items, from my kids’ and mine own perspective, is the AP. My W’s (now XW) boyfriend was, and is, a person of significance in her life. Their (and obviously our) position in their Dad’s priorities changed. That is a difficult thing for ourselves and our kids to accept. A thing that they will need to talk about, and not to a peer friend. They need gentle guidance from their strong stable levelheaded parent. You are doing that by the way. Role model, being open, being available, honest, reliable, and so on.
These are all those small steps that lead to acceptance and forgiveness. And we have an opportunity to show our children, even older adult children, the way.
Remain a close family. You and your kids. They are used to the closeness. They will find the next step along their paths. Be their beacon.
D
Yes the kids do have Dad’s girlfriend being forced into their lives. The upheaval of the family and Dad’s weird behaviour will take time for them to accept.
One of the big items, from my kids’ and mine own perspective, is the AP. My W’s (now XW) boyfriend was, and is, a person of significance in her life. Their (and obviously our) position in their Dad’s priorities changed. That is a difficult thing for ourselves and our kids to accept. A thing that they will need to talk about, and not to a peer friend. They need gentle guidance from their strong stable levelheaded parent. You are doing that by the way. Role model, being open, being available, honest, reliable, and so on.
These are all those small steps that lead to acceptance and forgiveness. And we have an opportunity to show our children, even older adult children, the way.
Remain a close family. You and your kids. They are used to the closeness. They will find the next step along their paths. Be their beacon.
D
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 08/21/21 11:32 AM
Hi Hope,
After reading your story, I guess I'm a little bit in the same situation currently, although in my case I'm not yet divorced.
This particular part hit me:
"Other problem is, I was getting too comfortable with XH. Saw him in Oklahoma and things happened, then the next week he invited himself to come with me to a work party, and then 2 days later showed up at Church with his OW."
In my case I don't know if he has an OW, but we are also sometimes too comfortable with each other. It often feels we are still like a family. He also acts this way.
So I fully understand why you go dark now in your case. A lot of courage!!
After reading your story, I guess I'm a little bit in the same situation currently, although in my case I'm not yet divorced.
This particular part hit me:
"Other problem is, I was getting too comfortable with XH. Saw him in Oklahoma and things happened, then the next week he invited himself to come with me to a work party, and then 2 days later showed up at Church with his OW."
In my case I don't know if he has an OW, but we are also sometimes too comfortable with each other. It often feels we are still like a family. He also acts this way.
So I fully understand why you go dark now in your case. A lot of courage!!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 08/21/21 11:39 AM
Hope,
Forgot to ask a question.
Did you ever see the outward depression, dit he ever admit he was the one who was not well and needed help?
In short, did he ever work on himself?
Forgot to ask a question.
Did you ever see the outward depression, dit he ever admit he was the one who was not well and needed help?
In short, did he ever work on himself?
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 08/22/21 10:07 PM
Thanks D. I will. Eldest called today to say that XH called him because he wasn't able to get ahold of me. "She's sad. She doesn't want to talk to you. Don't call her" (I think he was kind to him about it, but that was the gist of it.)
He said that XH said "I'm sad, too. We had a great time in OK, and it was really hard after that".
Ugh. So sad that you spent the next night with OW?? More of the same.
Eagle, I didn't think he had an OW. He had one for 4 years, it started approx 3-6 months prior to BD.
He continued to say he needed help. He went to an IC in the beginning of the separation but said he didn't know what to talk about (since he lives in deceit, he wasn't facing his reality, so no amount of therapy will help).
Up until 2 months or so he would say how "f-ed" up he was, he needed help, his "issues", sometimes break down talking about it...but he did not get help, did not change, and continues to live a lie. He acts like a great family man, a good guy, but in reality, he's full course on a path to destroying everything that used to be important to him.
I knew he had an OP but I couldn't prove it. I operated on what I could prove, that was how I chose to handle this. But ultimately, I have yet to see where they do not have someone at least waiting in the sidelines.
My XH still maintains that his OP is just a friend. So believe none of what they say right now.
He said that XH said "I'm sad, too. We had a great time in OK, and it was really hard after that".
Ugh. So sad that you spent the next night with OW?? More of the same.
Eagle, I didn't think he had an OW. He had one for 4 years, it started approx 3-6 months prior to BD.
He continued to say he needed help. He went to an IC in the beginning of the separation but said he didn't know what to talk about (since he lives in deceit, he wasn't facing his reality, so no amount of therapy will help).
Up until 2 months or so he would say how "f-ed" up he was, he needed help, his "issues", sometimes break down talking about it...but he did not get help, did not change, and continues to live a lie. He acts like a great family man, a good guy, but in reality, he's full course on a path to destroying everything that used to be important to him.
I knew he had an OP but I couldn't prove it. I operated on what I could prove, that was how I chose to handle this. But ultimately, I have yet to see where they do not have someone at least waiting in the sidelines.
My XH still maintains that his OP is just a friend. So believe none of what they say right now.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 08/22/21 11:38 PM
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Hope,
Forgot to ask a question.
Did you ever see the outward depression, dit he ever admit he was the one who was not well and needed help?
In short, did he ever work on himself?
Forgot to ask a question.
Did you ever see the outward depression, dit he ever admit he was the one who was not well and needed help?
In short, did he ever work on himself?
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 08/22/21 11:46 PM
Originally Posted by 97Hope
I knew he had an OP but I couldn't prove it. I operated on what I could prove, that was how I chose to handle this. But ultimately, I have yet to see where they do not have someone at least waiting in the sidelines.
We have to operate on what is before us and not on conjecture. You did very well.
You are correct, most are active with someone else. Almost no one runs off from a marriage and family to be alone.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 08/23/21 02:22 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
only a very tiny percentage of these people ever work on themselves because the majority of them think their partner is the problem.
This. blaming others and using others to 'feel better' = missed opportunities to work on self.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 08/24/21 03:09 PM
The previous house deal fell through - I'm out the inspection and option money. Ugh.
Found another house, putting together an offer now. I am serious about finding a home.
I am trying not to get my hopes up on this one, but it's difficult.
It's in town, subdivision. Pros and Cons to each. I chose to focus on the pros.
Working tomorrow night and Thursday & Wednesday nights followed by weekend at a very nice resort for 2 nights with my cousins.
I'm hoping next week I update that I am going forward with this new house, and report that I spent the weekend floating in the pool with a nice refreshing drink in my hand and not much else!
Saw a message in my voicemail "blocked messages" - it was XH to let me know my tire was available (I called the tire shop to update my phone number).
Did not realize I would still get messages. I had received a message from the water company regarding a leak at his property - I was able to forward the entire voicemail to him and I called and had my number removed.
A year ago, those small reminders of a life together would have hurt. Now they are nothing more than a company that needs an update on a phone number.
Moving forward feels good. I am peaceful, content, and excited for my future.
Found another house, putting together an offer now. I am serious about finding a home.
I am trying not to get my hopes up on this one, but it's difficult.
It's in town, subdivision. Pros and Cons to each. I chose to focus on the pros.
Working tomorrow night and Thursday & Wednesday nights followed by weekend at a very nice resort for 2 nights with my cousins.
I'm hoping next week I update that I am going forward with this new house, and report that I spent the weekend floating in the pool with a nice refreshing drink in my hand and not much else!
Saw a message in my voicemail "blocked messages" - it was XH to let me know my tire was available (I called the tire shop to update my phone number).
Did not realize I would still get messages. I had received a message from the water company regarding a leak at his property - I was able to forward the entire voicemail to him and I called and had my number removed.
A year ago, those small reminders of a life together would have hurt. Now they are nothing more than a company that needs an update on a phone number.
Moving forward feels good. I am peaceful, content, and excited for my future.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 08/25/21 04:46 AM
Hi Hope,
I caught up on your sitch and I am struggling with some similar issues and feelings. So far things have been friendly with my STBXH, but I am also trying to pull away. He also acts so normal, cracking jokes, wanting to discuss work or other things....just things that feel normal but without deeper intimacy. Like friends. We are still communicating about moving and the house selling so it feels right to keep up the flow until this period passes, but your sitch has me wondering what it will be like when I push harder to have no contact. I have also felt it’s easier for the kids. Especially as I’m the step-parent. Seeing your strength is inspiring! And I’m excited that you have such a forward outlook for yourself and in regards to making your home purchase!
Your struggle and feelings are totally understandable. And the fact that some of the M reminders do not throw you for a loop shows you are making great progress in letting go. But the stomach issues cause me to wonder if there is still work to be done and your body is still is fight/flee/freeze mode. I’ve been looking into trauma and how the mind and body can be in totally different places (mind is ready to move forward but body isn’t in sync). There is an interesting article in the NYTimes today about trauma that discusses some of that.
As for the statement about the betrayer ever working on themselves, I agree with the others. Most blame us (LBS) and are in complete denial they have anything to work on. Plus, it’s easy to run. Sad but true. But running eventually leads nowhere, but by then maybe they won’t care. My H is running. And he had the whole nice family guy thing going, and couldn’t face people so he changed his number, moved to another state, and changed jobs. I’m actually considering another town to get away from all the familiar memories...but also want to remain a home for the kids. I get that decision struggle.
Anyway, hope your health improves as your journey moves forward (that your body catches up)! You find your dream home, and the partnership works well. All exciting stuff to work towards!
El
I caught up on your sitch and I am struggling with some similar issues and feelings. So far things have been friendly with my STBXH, but I am also trying to pull away. He also acts so normal, cracking jokes, wanting to discuss work or other things....just things that feel normal but without deeper intimacy. Like friends. We are still communicating about moving and the house selling so it feels right to keep up the flow until this period passes, but your sitch has me wondering what it will be like when I push harder to have no contact. I have also felt it’s easier for the kids. Especially as I’m the step-parent. Seeing your strength is inspiring! And I’m excited that you have such a forward outlook for yourself and in regards to making your home purchase!
Your struggle and feelings are totally understandable. And the fact that some of the M reminders do not throw you for a loop shows you are making great progress in letting go. But the stomach issues cause me to wonder if there is still work to be done and your body is still is fight/flee/freeze mode. I’ve been looking into trauma and how the mind and body can be in totally different places (mind is ready to move forward but body isn’t in sync). There is an interesting article in the NYTimes today about trauma that discusses some of that.
As for the statement about the betrayer ever working on themselves, I agree with the others. Most blame us (LBS) and are in complete denial they have anything to work on. Plus, it’s easy to run. Sad but true. But running eventually leads nowhere, but by then maybe they won’t care. My H is running. And he had the whole nice family guy thing going, and couldn’t face people so he changed his number, moved to another state, and changed jobs. I’m actually considering another town to get away from all the familiar memories...but also want to remain a home for the kids. I get that decision struggle.
Anyway, hope your health improves as your journey moves forward (that your body catches up)! You find your dream home, and the partnership works well. All exciting stuff to work towards!
El
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/03/21 12:54 AM
Had a fabulous time at the beach resort last weekend. Came back and it's back to my crazy work schedule.
They accepted my offer on the house!! I am in the final days of the loan process, and everything is looking good! The appraisal came back higher than the purchase price, and I am looking forward to decorating for the holidays!! I'm in such a different place than last year. I didn't decorate my apartment, just didn't have it in me, and I was in the academy so that was rough on it's own. Spend one day with my kids at a bowling alley and heard about them all at the ranch with their dad for Thanksgiving. It was a low point, but this year, my own house!
Work is going well but we are short of people, so there has been a lot of overtime. I've had to say no a few times. Also been approached by two other local departments to work there. I'm considering all options.
I am embracing this new life and feeling good!! Haven't heard from XH since I blocked him and feeling such peace about that! Glad I did that when I did, try not to think I 'should' have done it sooner. Shoulds are never helpful, IMO.
Hope this finds everyone well here. Onward and Upward!
They accepted my offer on the house!! I am in the final days of the loan process, and everything is looking good! The appraisal came back higher than the purchase price, and I am looking forward to decorating for the holidays!! I'm in such a different place than last year. I didn't decorate my apartment, just didn't have it in me, and I was in the academy so that was rough on it's own. Spend one day with my kids at a bowling alley and heard about them all at the ranch with their dad for Thanksgiving. It was a low point, but this year, my own house!
Work is going well but we are short of people, so there has been a lot of overtime. I've had to say no a few times. Also been approached by two other local departments to work there. I'm considering all options.
I am embracing this new life and feeling good!! Haven't heard from XH since I blocked him and feeling such peace about that! Glad I did that when I did, try not to think I 'should' have done it sooner. Shoulds are never helpful, IMO.
Hope this finds everyone well here. Onward and Upward!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/03/21 01:15 AM
we should all ban the word should from our collective vocabulary
congrats on the house! I'm so happy for you !!! xoxoxo
congrats on the house! I'm so happy for you !!! xoxoxo
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/03/21 03:26 AM
I agree!! We should! lol Thanks (((bttrfly))) appreciate all the encouragement!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/09/21 03:13 AM
Oh my stars and gardens....
My S29 just told me that his father and OW are "swinging" with his COUSIN and cousin's wife.
Good news:
1. I wasn't shocked, only slightly nauseated because cousin has been married to wife for 15 years...so...family.
2. Beyond nausea, I felt NOTHING. It was like hearing that my neighbors do it. Meh. Shrug...Whatever works for them.
I am thankful I'm out of that mess. Thankful my kids are grown. Thankful that whatever XH does - does not disrupt my emotional equilibrium.
Switched to days today. I loved it. Have a great partner who is also my supervisor. We had a lot of fun and it was nice to share meals (breakfast and lunch) when I work nights, I ate alone, and when I'm off I eat alone. Doesn't bother me, but it was nice.
Learning a lot and a new professional opportunity has presented itself. Speaking with someone tomorrow about it.
Going to visit a friend in hospital tomorrow who was injured while on duty. I was with him at the time, and it was a very emotional experience for us both. Less so for me but I've found these days, not much really shakes me up. (yay!)
Tomorrow afternoon picking up the grandsons (5 & 8). They will sleep over and we are hanging out at my pool for the day and who knows what else we will find to do.
Life is good. God is great and you guys are awesome.
xoxo
My S29 just told me that his father and OW are "swinging" with his COUSIN and cousin's wife.
Good news:
1. I wasn't shocked, only slightly nauseated because cousin has been married to wife for 15 years...so...family.
2. Beyond nausea, I felt NOTHING. It was like hearing that my neighbors do it. Meh. Shrug...Whatever works for them.
I am thankful I'm out of that mess. Thankful my kids are grown. Thankful that whatever XH does - does not disrupt my emotional equilibrium.
Switched to days today. I loved it. Have a great partner who is also my supervisor. We had a lot of fun and it was nice to share meals (breakfast and lunch) when I work nights, I ate alone, and when I'm off I eat alone. Doesn't bother me, but it was nice.
Learning a lot and a new professional opportunity has presented itself. Speaking with someone tomorrow about it.
Going to visit a friend in hospital tomorrow who was injured while on duty. I was with him at the time, and it was a very emotional experience for us both. Less so for me but I've found these days, not much really shakes me up. (yay!)
Tomorrow afternoon picking up the grandsons (5 & 8). They will sleep over and we are hanging out at my pool for the day and who knows what else we will find to do.
Life is good. God is great and you guys are awesome.
xoxo
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/09/21 05:12 AM
Isn’t that “nothing” feeling amazing Hope??? You have to go through a bunch of s*it to get there but once you do, the world is your oyster. Good luck with the new professional opportunity!! Hope it works out. 
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/09/21 01:22 PM
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Oh my stars and gardens....
My S29 just told me that his father and OW are "swinging" with his COUSIN and cousin's wife.
My S29 just told me that his father and OW are "swinging" with his COUSIN and cousin's wife.
I think I just threw up a little. Is that the Deliverance theme I hear????
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Good news:
1. I wasn't shocked, only slightly nauseated because cousin has been married to wife for 15 years...so...family.
2. Beyond nausea, I felt NOTHING. It was like hearing that my neighbors do it. Meh. Shrug...Whatever works for them.
I am thankful I'm out of that mess. Thankful my kids are grown. Thankful that whatever XH does - does not disrupt my emotional equilibrium.
1. I wasn't shocked, only slightly nauseated because cousin has been married to wife for 15 years...so...family.
2. Beyond nausea, I felt NOTHING. It was like hearing that my neighbors do it. Meh. Shrug...Whatever works for them.
I am thankful I'm out of that mess. Thankful my kids are grown. Thankful that whatever XH does - does not disrupt my emotional equilibrium.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Switched to days today. I loved it. Have a great partner who is also my supervisor. We had a lot of fun and it was nice to share meals (breakfast and lunch) when I work nights, I ate alone, and when I'm off I eat alone. Doesn't bother me, but it was nice.
I remember eating alone when son was with his father or away at school ... at first it was exceptionally painful, because preparing food for my family was my thing. Who am I kidding, for months after BD I couldn't even get through grocery shopping without sobbing in the store. True story. Yes, I was that strange woman crying amidst the produce. I'd forgotten how hard it was to do the most basic things and how far I've come. Thanks for that reminder, Hope. I needed it today.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Learning a lot and a new professional opportunity has presented itself. Speaking with someone tomorrow about it.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Going to visit a friend in hospital tomorrow who was injured while on duty. I was with him at the time, and it was a very emotional experience for us both. Less so for me but I've found these days, not much really shakes me up. (yay!)
Have fun with the grands ... xoxoxo
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/09/21 02:56 PM
Oh wow, I forgot! Grocery stores are just so sad in those early days.
We have come so far, haven't we?
*cue the banjos lol
Someone had mentioned that OW was close with a swinger group locally, but I brushed it off...now I'm glad I'm clear of that scene!
We have come so far, haven't we?
*cue the banjos lol
Someone had mentioned that OW was close with a swinger group locally, but I brushed it off...now I'm glad I'm clear of that scene!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/09/21 03:06 PM
get yourself checked out btw, post the OK event.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/11/21 02:33 AM
Thanks, Bttrfly! Yes, that is scheduled - for sure. Was not an issue due to the nature of the meetup but I am still not taking any chances and at some point I will want to date and other things, so I need to make sure I'm clear for takeoff as I will be asking the same from a suitor.
----------
Had a great time with the grandsons G8, G5. I picked them up from school yesterday and kept them with me today. I noticed G8 asking a LOT of questions about his gpa and I. When we got married, how we met, why we were now unmarried...etc. He said "Gpa said you don't like him anymore and that's why you won't come to his house". Hmmm. Wanted to tell him that I love his gpa, but don't agree with his choices, but didn't know if that was age appropriate.
The night went great - pizza, cotton candy movies - so much FUN! We swam all day and ordered delivery at the pool. Both boys thought that was the coolest thing ever.
When my DIL came to pick them up, she wanted to talk and asked if I was ok and if she shared something with me, would I be ok? I said sure, she looked upset. She said that XH invited them over for Labor Day and the OW was there and he didn't tell them she would be there. She went on to say that OW was drunk and sloppy and XH forced an "introduction". Literally drug the OW over to DIL (who was trying to stay on the other side of the room, in a different room etc.) and said "I'd like you to meet xxx". DIL said OW stuck her hand out like to shake it. DIL did not shake her hand but said "hi" and walked off.
DIL said it made her cry because she has told XH that she doesn't want anything to do with her and she felt bad for me. DIL said that she felt ambushed and that it's been happening frequently now. XH even told S29 that he needed to get used to having OW around. I told her not to worry about me that it's all in my rearview, and thankfully she could see that, but thinking about it later, I did realize something. So I called her and said:
We have had a lot of conversations about how I put up so much with for so long and I was thinking about your weekend. You had previously stated - very clearly - that you didn’t want to be around her - but then you did. You stated clearly that you would not accept her but you are. You’ve been pushed slowly into having her at your church, your holidays and your ranch time with XH. I respect anything you choose to do, but in just a few weeks, you have let him push your boundaries....that’s how I let it happen to me. it was slow and I didn’t want to make a big deal or cause a scene...it was just a text I was uncomfortable with, or a female that was giving me weird vibes etc. it was a budget we were both sticking to, and then little by little I didn’t know how I got to where he was off running around and I had no money to buy even basic needs.
This isn’t judgement AT ALL. It’s an observation of how he manipulates and gets people to put up with abhorrent things and always seems to get his way...which is sometimes bad for others.
It hurt your feelings. I care about that. I don’t care who you are around as long as you have peace and you are ok.
If you didn’t care about his/her past, and you genuinely liked her I’d be jealous and all, (and butthurt) lol but I would want you to be around people who make YOU feel good, special and uplift you. Right now, it seems like it’s a lot of pain and heartache and sadness and grief all to appease him. Think about what YOU want, what brings YOU joy. When possible, live in peace. When it's not possible, dust the dirt from your sandals.
It goes without saying, but I will remind you of this, I will love and support you NO MATTER WHAT.
--------
She said that she was just telling my S28 the same thing and getting upset about how XH keeps ambushing them with OW. I understand that emotion. We let little things go until we have an enormous problem. A boiled frog we are.
As I sit her I realize that the only drama in my life is that which my kids have to deal with. And it's not my drama, I listen but I no longer get emotional about it. I can hear these things and feel sad for them, and certainly empathize, but I'm no longer triggered in a sense that it affects me personally.
The bonus? I still have 2 days off this weekend!! I am LOVING day shift! Also getting estimates for new flooring for new house. Life is good.
Hope all of you are doing well!
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Had a great time with the grandsons G8, G5. I picked them up from school yesterday and kept them with me today. I noticed G8 asking a LOT of questions about his gpa and I. When we got married, how we met, why we were now unmarried...etc. He said "Gpa said you don't like him anymore and that's why you won't come to his house". Hmmm. Wanted to tell him that I love his gpa, but don't agree with his choices, but didn't know if that was age appropriate.
The night went great - pizza, cotton candy movies - so much FUN! We swam all day and ordered delivery at the pool. Both boys thought that was the coolest thing ever.
When my DIL came to pick them up, she wanted to talk and asked if I was ok and if she shared something with me, would I be ok? I said sure, she looked upset. She said that XH invited them over for Labor Day and the OW was there and he didn't tell them she would be there. She went on to say that OW was drunk and sloppy and XH forced an "introduction". Literally drug the OW over to DIL (who was trying to stay on the other side of the room, in a different room etc.) and said "I'd like you to meet xxx". DIL said OW stuck her hand out like to shake it. DIL did not shake her hand but said "hi" and walked off.
DIL said it made her cry because she has told XH that she doesn't want anything to do with her and she felt bad for me. DIL said that she felt ambushed and that it's been happening frequently now. XH even told S29 that he needed to get used to having OW around. I told her not to worry about me that it's all in my rearview, and thankfully she could see that, but thinking about it later, I did realize something. So I called her and said:
We have had a lot of conversations about how I put up so much with for so long and I was thinking about your weekend. You had previously stated - very clearly - that you didn’t want to be around her - but then you did. You stated clearly that you would not accept her but you are. You’ve been pushed slowly into having her at your church, your holidays and your ranch time with XH. I respect anything you choose to do, but in just a few weeks, you have let him push your boundaries....that’s how I let it happen to me. it was slow and I didn’t want to make a big deal or cause a scene...it was just a text I was uncomfortable with, or a female that was giving me weird vibes etc. it was a budget we were both sticking to, and then little by little I didn’t know how I got to where he was off running around and I had no money to buy even basic needs.
This isn’t judgement AT ALL. It’s an observation of how he manipulates and gets people to put up with abhorrent things and always seems to get his way...which is sometimes bad for others.
It hurt your feelings. I care about that. I don’t care who you are around as long as you have peace and you are ok.
If you didn’t care about his/her past, and you genuinely liked her I’d be jealous and all, (and butthurt) lol but I would want you to be around people who make YOU feel good, special and uplift you. Right now, it seems like it’s a lot of pain and heartache and sadness and grief all to appease him. Think about what YOU want, what brings YOU joy. When possible, live in peace. When it's not possible, dust the dirt from your sandals.
It goes without saying, but I will remind you of this, I will love and support you NO MATTER WHAT.
--------
She said that she was just telling my S28 the same thing and getting upset about how XH keeps ambushing them with OW. I understand that emotion. We let little things go until we have an enormous problem. A boiled frog we are.
As I sit her I realize that the only drama in my life is that which my kids have to deal with. And it's not my drama, I listen but I no longer get emotional about it. I can hear these things and feel sad for them, and certainly empathize, but I'm no longer triggered in a sense that it affects me personally.
The bonus? I still have 2 days off this weekend!! I am LOVING day shift! Also getting estimates for new flooring for new house. Life is good.
Hope all of you are doing well!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/11/21 02:37 AM
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Isn’t that “nothing” feeling amazing Hope??? You have to go through a bunch of s*it to get there but once you do, the world is your oyster. Good luck with the new professional opportunity!! Hope it works out.
It is GLORIOUS!!! Good to 'see' you!!!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/12/21 07:35 PM
Hello Hope
Oh my. Cousin and cousin’s wife. SMH.
Nicely done speaking with DIL. Yes, her boundaries are being pushed.
Kids have questions. The best one can do is answer them honestly and age appropriately. For if not, their thirsty minds will find or make up the answers elsewhere.
“Gpa said you don't like him anymore and that's why you won't come to his house". This is true. You can love someone and not like them. It’s ok to tell G8 such a thing. No need to justify or explain the why part of it all.
It is pretty easy to see such a statement would bring follow up questions. At the tender age of eight, grandkid is wondering how it all affects him. Just hug him and tell him you love him. And Gpa loves him too, if he asks. It’s just Gpa sometimes has trouble showing it, if that comes up or is appropriate. Although for most folks who go off the deep end, emoting love and compassion becomes difficult. They lose quite a bit in their haste towards a new shinny life.
The role of grandparent is different than that of parent. And therefore one explains and answers differently.
Congratulations on the house. And the day shift. And the feeling of freedom. Love reading about your great life.
D
Oh my. Cousin and cousin’s wife. SMH.
Nicely done speaking with DIL. Yes, her boundaries are being pushed.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Had a great time with the grandsons G8, G5. I picked them up from school yesterday and kept them with me today. I noticed G8 asking a LOT of questions about his gpa and I. When we got married, how we met, why we were now unmarried...etc. He said "Gpa said you don't like him anymore and that's why you won't come to his house". Hmmm. Wanted to tell him that I love his gpa, but don't agree with his choices, but didn't know if that was age appropriate.
Kids have questions. The best one can do is answer them honestly and age appropriately. For if not, their thirsty minds will find or make up the answers elsewhere.
“Gpa said you don't like him anymore and that's why you won't come to his house". This is true. You can love someone and not like them. It’s ok to tell G8 such a thing. No need to justify or explain the why part of it all.
It is pretty easy to see such a statement would bring follow up questions. At the tender age of eight, grandkid is wondering how it all affects him. Just hug him and tell him you love him. And Gpa loves him too, if he asks. It’s just Gpa sometimes has trouble showing it, if that comes up or is appropriate. Although for most folks who go off the deep end, emoting love and compassion becomes difficult. They lose quite a bit in their haste towards a new shinny life.
The role of grandparent is different than that of parent. And therefore one explains and answers differently.
Congratulations on the house. And the day shift. And the feeling of freedom. Love reading about your great life.
D
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/12/21 09:31 PM
(((D))) you always bring a peaceful easy feeling to the thread.
Thank you for the reassurance and understanding re: grands. I filled DIL and S29 in on our conversations so they may handle how they prefer. I stuffed them so full of food and kept them busy so we really didn't have a lot of down time. And they discovered that 'alexa' can play any sound they want, so we spent a nice bit of time asking her to play all kinds of obnoxious noises. LOL
It is a great life. I used to read your sitch and yearn for the peace and calm that seems to surround your homelife. Now I have slowly created the same.
Thank you for the reassurance and understanding re: grands. I filled DIL and S29 in on our conversations so they may handle how they prefer. I stuffed them so full of food and kept them busy so we really didn't have a lot of down time. And they discovered that 'alexa' can play any sound they want, so we spent a nice bit of time asking her to play all kinds of obnoxious noises. LOL
It is a great life. I used to read your sitch and yearn for the peace and calm that seems to surround your homelife. Now I have slowly created the same.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/12/21 09:52 PM
I have had a nice, relaxing Sunday. Did some reading on here and now headed out for an extra job. The pay is amazing and the schedule is perfect - they post jobs, and if I'm off, I grab it. It's usually a 3-4 hour job, so it's not even a big deal. With youngest still away, it's perfect.
A neighbor asked me a question as I was walking in last night. I answered the question and then he told me that I'm sexy. Ummm...ok. (He's 30). Then he found me on facebook and sent a message request.
I hate being called sexy. What is that? One of my sister's sleezy boyfriends used to say that to me (I was 14!!) so it's a trigger for me. By trigger, I mean, makes me want to pull one...but anyway - ladies, does this creep you out too? Guys, do you use that to 'compliment' women you aren't in a relationship with? I liked it when it was from my XH while we were together. Holy carp I'm so not ready to date in this world. I have all the questions.
I am looking forward to the move. Less than a month! lol Said neighbor and his GIRLFRIEND live across the hall. Good grief.
Hope everyone has a great weekend and avoids all the creepers. xo
A neighbor asked me a question as I was walking in last night. I answered the question and then he told me that I'm sexy. Ummm...ok. (He's 30). Then he found me on facebook and sent a message request.
I hate being called sexy. What is that? One of my sister's sleezy boyfriends used to say that to me (I was 14!!) so it's a trigger for me. By trigger, I mean, makes me want to pull one...but anyway - ladies, does this creep you out too? Guys, do you use that to 'compliment' women you aren't in a relationship with? I liked it when it was from my XH while we were together. Holy carp I'm so not ready to date in this world. I have all the questions.
I am looking forward to the move. Less than a month! lol Said neighbor and his GIRLFRIEND live across the hall. Good grief.
Hope everyone has a great weekend and avoids all the creepers. xo
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/12/21 10:42 PM
Hello Hope
No, I do not use “you look sexy” to compliment a women I’m not in a relationship with.
That kind of talk, to my way of thinking, is hitting upon that person. As in I want to be in a relationship with you. However, that particular avenue of ice breaking would not be used by me. It has a creeper vibe about it. Shows the depth of your neighbour, IMO.
Of course, I’m not a 30 year old and may have a wee bit more vocabulary, and experience, to draw from. Lol.
D
No, I do not use “you look sexy” to compliment a women I’m not in a relationship with.
That kind of talk, to my way of thinking, is hitting upon that person. As in I want to be in a relationship with you. However, that particular avenue of ice breaking would not be used by me. It has a creeper vibe about it. Shows the depth of your neighbour, IMO.
Of course, I’m not a 30 year old and may have a wee bit more vocabulary, and experience, to draw from. Lol.
D
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/12/21 10:59 PM
nope don't like that from a guy who lives with his GF. Huge creep factor for me.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/12/21 11:09 PM
to be more clear, not a big fan of that from a guy i'm not in a committed relationship with. otherwise, it's a lame pick up line.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/15/21 11:07 PM
Thanks for the input, everyone! Yes, D, I don't believe he has the communication range that you do. LOL
bttrfly - I don't like it. Full stop.
----
Pretty good week. Training exercise on Monday night. I was tired, but it was exhilarating! Meeting with a supervisor tonight to talk about my future.
Exciting times around here. Looking forward to closing on the house (9/29) and a move before 10/22 when my lease is up.
Getting some things out of storage unit tomorrow. That's another cost down with the house. Puts me at even between the apartment and the storage unit = mortgage.
Have a new opportunity for more side jobs. It seems all my prayers have been answered.
Financial.
Peace.
Being ok with what EX does/doesn't do.
Feeling thankful tonight. Have a nice party to attend tomorrow evening and then work all weekend. Actually glad for it. It's nice to be back on days and I need to stay busy right now. Seems when I'm off I lay about too much. Won't be able to when I move, as I will have an actual lawn to tend to.
Hope everyone is well.
bttrfly - I don't like it. Full stop.
----
Pretty good week. Training exercise on Monday night. I was tired, but it was exhilarating! Meeting with a supervisor tonight to talk about my future.
Exciting times around here. Looking forward to closing on the house (9/29) and a move before 10/22 when my lease is up.
Getting some things out of storage unit tomorrow. That's another cost down with the house. Puts me at even between the apartment and the storage unit = mortgage.
Have a new opportunity for more side jobs. It seems all my prayers have been answered.
Financial.
Peace.
Being ok with what EX does/doesn't do.
Feeling thankful tonight. Have a nice party to attend tomorrow evening and then work all weekend. Actually glad for it. It's nice to be back on days and I need to stay busy right now. Seems when I'm off I lay about too much. Won't be able to when I move, as I will have an actual lawn to tend to.
Hope everyone is well.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/16/21 01:11 PM
As usual, ditto bttrfly. HUGE creep factor for anyone other than my current romantic partner (in this case, my husband) telling me I'm sexy. Anyone else saying it is a lame pick-up line and ick...hard pass.
Sounds like everything is coming up Hope and good for you! Onward and upward!
Sounds like everything is coming up Hope and good for you! Onward and upward!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/16/21 02:29 PM
Thanks, Dawn!!
I was just reading your other post about the LBS not the only one needing a reset/break. Completely agree.
Bttrfly also mentioned how her X went bonkers when it was final. From what I hear through the kids, like you I don't ask but they do talk, my X is doubling down on forcing the OW into their lives while having breakdowns even in front of kids when she isn't around.
He spent no time alone, didn't even monkey branch. He was all in in both trees. (insert Mr. Yuk emoji here). At any rate, his chickens are coming home to roost now. He can't look at photos without crying and has had several breakdowns in front of kids. Can't handle being alone with himself and his thoughts etc. That sounds like me in the beginning of the process.
--------
So, lesson learned - take time to grieve. Spend time with yourself. Get comfortable with the quiet alone time. It can be a major factor in healing and moving forward.
I see so many people hop right in to a new relationship and that seems to create all manner of problems.
Of course it's lonely at first. Solution isn't to use someone else to keep the lonely at bay. Solution is to embrace being alone, and discover how not to be lonely. One is geography, the other is a mindset.
When we use people to manage our emotions, we never learn how to manage them on our own.
My opinion, of course. Just something I keep seeing.
When I think about dating, I ask myself, would I date me, given all the information?
I was just reading your other post about the LBS not the only one needing a reset/break. Completely agree.
Bttrfly also mentioned how her X went bonkers when it was final. From what I hear through the kids, like you I don't ask but they do talk, my X is doubling down on forcing the OW into their lives while having breakdowns even in front of kids when she isn't around.
He spent no time alone, didn't even monkey branch. He was all in in both trees. (insert Mr. Yuk emoji here). At any rate, his chickens are coming home to roost now. He can't look at photos without crying and has had several breakdowns in front of kids. Can't handle being alone with himself and his thoughts etc. That sounds like me in the beginning of the process.
--------
So, lesson learned - take time to grieve. Spend time with yourself. Get comfortable with the quiet alone time. It can be a major factor in healing and moving forward.
I see so many people hop right in to a new relationship and that seems to create all manner of problems.
Of course it's lonely at first. Solution isn't to use someone else to keep the lonely at bay. Solution is to embrace being alone, and discover how not to be lonely. One is geography, the other is a mindset.
When we use people to manage our emotions, we never learn how to manage them on our own.
My opinion, of course. Just something I keep seeing.
When I think about dating, I ask myself, would I date me, given all the information?
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/16/21 08:43 PM
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Guys, do you use that to 'compliment' women you aren't in a relationship with?
I also know people are quick to find reasons to NEXT someone they're not attracted to and to FORGIVE people they are attracted to. I think your 30s neighbor goofed on his approach AND you weren't particularly into the young'un to begin with.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/16/21 09:25 PM
Originally Posted by CWarrior
No, whatever I don't know about dating, I know it's better initially to compliment someone on their style, personality, achievements, etc. rather than their inherent looks or how useful/sexy they are to you. Skirting the line, I appreciated when Ms BunnyBoiler complimented my abs. I wasn't born with those abs, by gosh, I spent hours working out to achieve them!
Now this is true. The guys were saying my calves were looking good, but they are my buddies and we are all working hard at getting in shape, I like to be complimented. The word 'sexy' just torques me out.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I also know people are quick to find reasons to NEXT someone they're not attracted to and to FORGIVE people they are attracted to. I think your 30s neighbor goofed on his approach AND you weren't particularly into the young'un to begin with.
True, true. Nope, not into the young'uns.. lol
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/16/21 10:59 PM
I’m with you Hope. If I’m not in a relationship with someone and they call me sexy, it definitely creeps me out. I suppose if that was a look I was going for on a daily basis, I might be okay with it. But it’s definitely not so that’s a hard pass. I’d rather be admired for my intelligence or my personality. Something someone has to take the time to find out about me rather than just determine in a glance. Keep on being you my friend!!! (((HUGS)))
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/24/21 03:45 AM
Deja!! ((((hugs)))
I'm with you! (It was not a look I was going for, I was walking home after a run ha)
I'm with you! (It was not a look I was going for, I was walking home after a run ha)
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/27/21 02:20 AM
Not much to update. Had a great dinner with S28 DIL and G5 & G8. DIL is still allowing XH to push her buttons, but for the first time, I didn't get queazy hearing about it. My S28 brought him up and she said "we are not involving mom anymore" and I said "I love you, you don't have to protect me. If you need to talk, I'm here" so she told me a frustrating event concerning her, XH and the OW.
I am wondering how long she will be surprised by his actions. I remember being surprised.
I had an extra job this morning. It was lovely. Great people. They asked me to join a FB singles group. I did and promptly left. I think I might be a prude. lol The jokes were too much for me. Lot's of dirty talk. When I think about that and the "sexy" thing, I wonder if I was born in the wrong era?
Working days has really helped my PMA. I was getting into a rut on nights. I went to Lowes today and picked out new floors for my house. S28 is going to install them with me. I'm excited about learning some things.
Closing on the house on Wednesday, physical fitness test on Thursday and working all weekend. Then, hopefully, begin the floors and move in! I've never done a slow move like this. I usually pack it all up, move and have the house set up in a day. This will be good for me.
DIL found a washer/dryer on sale for me and they are beautiful. D....you have your exciting pill box and I'm over the moon about my new w/d set! lol aren't we something?
Went to my partner's house for a little while after dinner and had a nice visit with him and his wife. So blessed to know them. His wife's smile lights up a room and she just has such a sweet, calming presence.
Going to sleep now. Feeling good about life. Thank you to everyone who responds and shares. You all have made my journey possible. Truly. I was such a mess before I had others to walk through this with.
xo
I am wondering how long she will be surprised by his actions. I remember being surprised.
I had an extra job this morning. It was lovely. Great people. They asked me to join a FB singles group. I did and promptly left. I think I might be a prude. lol The jokes were too much for me. Lot's of dirty talk. When I think about that and the "sexy" thing, I wonder if I was born in the wrong era?
Working days has really helped my PMA. I was getting into a rut on nights. I went to Lowes today and picked out new floors for my house. S28 is going to install them with me. I'm excited about learning some things.
Closing on the house on Wednesday, physical fitness test on Thursday and working all weekend. Then, hopefully, begin the floors and move in! I've never done a slow move like this. I usually pack it all up, move and have the house set up in a day. This will be good for me.
DIL found a washer/dryer on sale for me and they are beautiful. D....you have your exciting pill box and I'm over the moon about my new w/d set! lol aren't we something?
Went to my partner's house for a little while after dinner and had a nice visit with him and his wife. So blessed to know them. His wife's smile lights up a room and she just has such a sweet, calming presence.
Going to sleep now. Feeling good about life. Thank you to everyone who responds and shares. You all have made my journey possible. Truly. I was such a mess before I had others to walk through this with.
xo
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/27/21 02:35 AM
Originally Posted by 97Hope
D....you have your exciting pill box and I'm over the moon about my new w/d set! lol aren't we something?
Haha.
Yes we are.
Don’t fret about the FB group. I’m partial to civilized talk as well. Yes, there are a few swears here and there, however the crass vulgarities of the uncouth are not in my circle of friends.
‘night.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/30/21 10:23 PM
Closed on the house, pulled the old carpet out, picked up the new flooring yesterday.
Today went in to the office for physical exam for special team. Ran 1.5 mile, 2 minutes of push ups/sit ups and then had to bench my weight.
Went to lunch with DIL, terrible service, ended up eating only a small salad (our food never came and she had to return to work). Ended up with headache so came home.
I have to pack and do the floors and move and I have 2 days off - Monday and Tuesday.
I've posted to FB asking for help and all my friends from NY (where I used to live) fill the feed up with comments "wish I could help". Ugh. I know they mean well, but it's really not helpful as they aren't coming.
I had several people lined up to help, now I'm scrambling to just hire it out and be done with it.
Called my boss to see if I could take tomorrow off - then I would just have to work saturday and sunday and I could get ahead a little.
I'm excited about house, but also feeling the pressure of doing it alone. It's a feeling. Will definitely pass.
I am grateful that I passed the physical test - will mean more money now that I'm on a special team.
I am grateful that the house closed.
I am grateful that I do have the money to pay people to help.
Hope you all are doing well. Thanks for 'listening'.
Today went in to the office for physical exam for special team. Ran 1.5 mile, 2 minutes of push ups/sit ups and then had to bench my weight.
Went to lunch with DIL, terrible service, ended up eating only a small salad (our food never came and she had to return to work). Ended up with headache so came home.
I have to pack and do the floors and move and I have 2 days off - Monday and Tuesday.
I've posted to FB asking for help and all my friends from NY (where I used to live) fill the feed up with comments "wish I could help". Ugh. I know they mean well, but it's really not helpful as they aren't coming.
I had several people lined up to help, now I'm scrambling to just hire it out and be done with it.
Called my boss to see if I could take tomorrow off - then I would just have to work saturday and sunday and I could get ahead a little.
I'm excited about house, but also feeling the pressure of doing it alone. It's a feeling. Will definitely pass.
I am grateful that I passed the physical test - will mean more money now that I'm on a special team.
I am grateful that the house closed.
I am grateful that I do have the money to pay people to help.
Hope you all are doing well. Thanks for 'listening'.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/30/21 10:28 PM
Congratulations!!!!!! Take a moment to savor that you are now a HOME OWNER and you did it YOURSELF!!!!
Brava!
xoxoxo
(and congrats on the special team/physical passing)
Brava!
xoxoxo
(and congrats on the special team/physical passing)
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 09/30/21 10:38 PM
Thank you so much, sweet bttrfly!!! Yes, I did it myself!!! No one can kick me out! That's a huge relief. and thanks on the congrats for the special team. I'm the only female on the squad, and the oldest. LOL it felt good passing. I need to work on a lot, but my team is supportive and I feel like I have a new family. AND....I didn't even come in last on the push ups and run!! (Way behind them on weights and sit ups, but that's ok)
August 2017. BD. I was on the floor and couldn't imagine how to live, let alone take care of myself and find a job and all that life entails. I still have days that I struggle, who doesn't? But it's not an overwhelming, gripping fear of my future. I sure hope the newcomers get to see that there is life beyond D. A life they can't imagine. A life of peace and hope and joy and new beginnings.
My DIL commented today "You are who you were years ago. It's good to see you be you again".
I'm so grateful for all of you here. x
August 2017. BD. I was on the floor and couldn't imagine how to live, let alone take care of myself and find a job and all that life entails. I still have days that I struggle, who doesn't? But it's not an overwhelming, gripping fear of my future. I sure hope the newcomers get to see that there is life beyond D. A life they can't imagine. A life of peace and hope and joy and new beginnings.
My DIL commented today "You are who you were years ago. It's good to see you be you again".
I'm so grateful for all of you here. x
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/01/21 01:52 AM
97Hope,
Congratulations on the house! I wasn't around when you first joined and am not familiar with your sitch, but it's great to hear you've come so far in the past 4 years! Keep it up!
Congratulations on the house! I wasn't around when you first joined and am not familiar with your sitch, but it's great to hear you've come so far in the past 4 years! Keep it up!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/01/21 11:46 AM
Good Morning Hope
Home owner!!!
Yay!!!
Congratulations. Be proud, that is quite an accomplishment.
Be secure. The home is your’s. Your own roof over your head. No one can kick you out.
And you crushed it making the team. Well done.
Just got to get the stuff in the house. You can unpack at your leisure. Expect for underwear. Better find those. Lol.
Amen!
D
Home owner!!!
Yay!!!
Congratulations. Be proud, that is quite an accomplishment.
Be secure. The home is your’s. Your own roof over your head. No one can kick you out.
And you crushed it making the team. Well done.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
I had several people lined up to help, now I'm scrambling to just hire it out and be done with it.
Just got to get the stuff in the house. You can unpack at your leisure. Expect for underwear. Better find those. Lol.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
I sure hope the newcomers get to see that there is life beyond D. A life they can't imagine. A life of peace and hope and joy and new beginnings.
Amen!
D
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/01/21 02:09 PM
******
The part I placed in bold. I see the advice giving to validate, and that's great, but sometimes I see validation used to comfort the WS/WAS when in fact, BS behavior should never be validated.
Feelings, yes, but not harmful behaviors. Also have to be careful not to validate the re-writing of history. Truth is good. Live in the light. Don't join anyone in the darkness.
Originally Posted by LH19
Do not validate BS behavior! Do not respond!
Your STBX has now been at minimum 3 inappropriate relationships with other men while you we’re together plus cheated on her BF with you.
She’s a serial cheater and consider yourself lucky to be rid of her!
Your STBX has now been at minimum 3 inappropriate relationships with other men while you we’re together plus cheated on her BF with you.
She’s a serial cheater and consider yourself lucky to be rid of her!
The part I placed in bold. I see the advice giving to validate, and that's great, but sometimes I see validation used to comfort the WS/WAS when in fact, BS behavior should never be validated.
Feelings, yes, but not harmful behaviors. Also have to be careful not to validate the re-writing of history. Truth is good. Live in the light. Don't join anyone in the darkness.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/01/21 02:11 PM
D
I can go without. hahaha
I'm getting it all worked out now. Have the day off today. Headed out for another load of boxes. It's all coming together.
I can go without. hahaha
I'm getting it all worked out now. Have the day off today. Headed out for another load of boxes. It's all coming together.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/01/21 03:42 PM
Congratulations on the house and on finding peace, hope, joy. Isn't that a wonderful place to be? Savor new home ownership! You have many blessings to fill your heart.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/01/21 04:46 PM
You're rocking this, girlfriend!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/02/21 01:45 PM
Originally Posted by 97Hope
I can go without. hahaha
LOL!
Glad you got the day off. A bit of extra breathing room.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/02/21 03:42 PM
Originally Posted by 97Hope
******
The part I placed in bold. I see the advice giving to validate, and that's great, but sometimes I see validation used to comfort the WS/WAS when in fact, BS behavior should never be validated.
Feelings, yes, but not harmful behaviors. Also have to be careful not to validate the re-writing of history. Truth is good. Live in the light. Don't join anyone in the darkness.
Originally Posted by LH19
Do not validate BS behavior! Do not respond!
Your STBX has now been at minimum 3 inappropriate relationships with other men while you we’re together plus cheated on her BF with you.
She’s a serial cheater and consider yourself lucky to be rid of her!
Your STBX has now been at minimum 3 inappropriate relationships with other men while you we’re together plus cheated on her BF with you.
She’s a serial cheater and consider yourself lucky to be rid of her!
The part I placed in bold. I see the advice giving to validate, and that's great, but sometimes I see validation used to comfort the WS/WAS when in fact, BS behavior should never be validated.
Feelings, yes, but not harmful behaviors. Also have to be careful not to validate the re-writing of history. Truth is good. Live in the light. Don't join anyone in the darkness.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/02/21 04:57 PM
LH!!!! SO good to see a post from you!!! xoxoxo
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/02/21 06:45 PM
97Hope,
I had no idea you were THAT strong, and maybe into powerlifting! We may need a DB fitness forum. Congratulations, on your house I mean, although benching your weight is an achievement too! I loved reading the happiness in your update this morning. Yes, your NY team and we are rooting for you even if we can't physically lift those boxes for ya!
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Today went in to the office for physical exam for special team. Ran 1.5 mile, 2 minutes of push ups/sit ups and then had to bench my weight.
Congratulations, on your house I mean, although benching your weight is an achievement too! I loved reading the happiness in your update this morning. Yes, your NY team and we are rooting for you even if we can't physically lift those boxes for ya!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/06/21 03:33 AM
I'm finally going to bed. I found my underwear just fine, but struggled finding toothpaste and my work boots! "encouraged" me to unpack more than I planned tonight.
Work in the morning. Floors aren't finished. That has been a challenge. It will all come together in the end.
Just wanted to thank everyone for the encouragement and support!
Work in the morning. Floors aren't finished. That has been a challenge. It will all come together in the end.
Just wanted to thank everyone for the encouragement and support!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/06/21 11:25 AM
Good Morning Hope
Yay! You’re moved in.
You don’t even got to go commando. Lol.
Have a great day.
D
Yay! You’re moved in.
You don’t even got to go commando. Lol.
Have a great day.
D
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/11/21 01:20 AM
In my new house now for several days. Everything from the apartment is unpacked. Only one thing I can't find - the feet to my television.
My eldest son's childhood friend reached out via FB messenger and offered to come over and do handyman jobs. He said he owes me for all the carp he and my son put me through when they were teenagers. LOL He's not wrong!
I can use the help. I installed the dryer today and it was a challenge. small space, didn't come with a cord. YT was my best friend!
Work 2 off 2 work 3 off 2. Everything is coming together.
Had a dream about xh. In it I was crying and said "but we are not going to grow old together". He looked me dead in the eye. I saw a flash of grief instantly replaced by a positive emotion and he said "we are NOT going to grow old together". I was sad and then I accepted it and I was ok.
In the same dream sequence I kicked my XFIL out of my house and told him off. haha I mean, that's not hard to figure out!
Spoke with youngest S19. He was crushed. He had FaceTimed his dad and his dad was helping his OW's sons fish at the ranch. S19 said he spent most of the call helping them, showing them how to make lures. I heard so much pain in S19's voice. He can only call one time a week. S19 said that he plans to move all of his belongings out of his dad's place and only visit during the day, not keep any of his things there. I told him I would support any decision he made and that I was sorry that he was hurting.
Ugh. That man can't see beyond his own nose. It was weird. I didn't feel anything as S19 was telling me about the call, beyond hating to see my son in pain.
I got a case of the joys when my kids see XH's mask slip. Not going to pretend otherwise.
The emperor isn't fooling them anymore. Painful, yes, but they can heal from that. Pretending just prolongs the inevitable.
Hope you all are doing well and remembered where you packed your unmentionables!
xo xo
My eldest son's childhood friend reached out via FB messenger and offered to come over and do handyman jobs. He said he owes me for all the carp he and my son put me through when they were teenagers. LOL He's not wrong!
I can use the help. I installed the dryer today and it was a challenge. small space, didn't come with a cord. YT was my best friend!
Work 2 off 2 work 3 off 2. Everything is coming together.
Had a dream about xh. In it I was crying and said "but we are not going to grow old together". He looked me dead in the eye. I saw a flash of grief instantly replaced by a positive emotion and he said "we are NOT going to grow old together". I was sad and then I accepted it and I was ok.
In the same dream sequence I kicked my XFIL out of my house and told him off. haha I mean, that's not hard to figure out!
Spoke with youngest S19. He was crushed. He had FaceTimed his dad and his dad was helping his OW's sons fish at the ranch. S19 said he spent most of the call helping them, showing them how to make lures. I heard so much pain in S19's voice. He can only call one time a week. S19 said that he plans to move all of his belongings out of his dad's place and only visit during the day, not keep any of his things there. I told him I would support any decision he made and that I was sorry that he was hurting.
Ugh. That man can't see beyond his own nose. It was weird. I didn't feel anything as S19 was telling me about the call, beyond hating to see my son in pain.
I got a case of the joys when my kids see XH's mask slip. Not going to pretend otherwise.
The emperor isn't fooling them anymore. Painful, yes, but they can heal from that. Pretending just prolongs the inevitable.
Hope you all are doing well and remembered where you packed your unmentionables!
xo xo
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 10/31/21 05:58 PM
Happy Halloween, Hope, looking forward to your next update!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 11/03/21 11:45 AM
Good Morning Hope
Is the house all set up? How long did it take to find the feet for the TV? Oh my, so many unmarked boxes, during my moves.
Dad’s doting on OW’s son right in front of son. During his call. During the time Dad should be focusing on his son. Just ugh! Yep, XH can’t see beyond his own nose. Yet another display of how lost he is.
I empathize with S19. My XW didn’t reserve her insensitive behaviour for just me. Oh no, she splashed it all over her kids as well. Sorry S19 was hurting so.
Son can remove his belongings. That doesn’t necessitate just day time visiting only from this point onward. Even though S19 might feel that way for the moment.
If, sometime in the future, S19 would like to stay overnight during a visit, he just brings some clothes. He isn’t living there. Just visiting. When he wants to. There is something powerful about realizing one’s control.
Son controls his actions. And reactions. I think it a good sign, and step forward, him removing his clothes and not living there.
Nicely done.
D
Is the house all set up? How long did it take to find the feet for the TV? Oh my, so many unmarked boxes, during my moves.
Dad’s doting on OW’s son right in front of son. During his call. During the time Dad should be focusing on his son. Just ugh! Yep, XH can’t see beyond his own nose. Yet another display of how lost he is.
I empathize with S19. My XW didn’t reserve her insensitive behaviour for just me. Oh no, she splashed it all over her kids as well. Sorry S19 was hurting so.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
S19 said that he plans to move all of his belongings out of his dad's place and only visit during the day, not keep any of his things there.
Son can remove his belongings. That doesn’t necessitate just day time visiting only from this point onward. Even though S19 might feel that way for the moment.
If, sometime in the future, S19 would like to stay overnight during a visit, he just brings some clothes. He isn’t living there. Just visiting. When he wants to. There is something powerful about realizing one’s control.
Son controls his actions. And reactions. I think it a good sign, and step forward, him removing his clothes and not living there.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
I told him I would support any decision he made and that I was sorry that he was hurting.
Nicely done.
D
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 11/03/21 03:54 PM
((((Hope))))
Sometimes your exh reminds me of my son's dad, who seemed to think that he could pop in AP/OW/Vista/2.0 and her kids and that our son would be A-Ok with it all.
Not. So.
I want to hug your son, and you. It is so very difficult to watch our children suffering from the aftermath of their other parent's choices. My son doesn't want this new family; he wants HIS family. I'm happy your son is telling you what's going on. Mine has kept it bottled up for years and now it's been bubbling over in self destructive ways. The sense of abandonment is devastating for these kids. I've tried to over-compensate, which has created other issues. I don't advise that!
It's so hard to take the high road when the b@st@rds are hurting our kids but that's the best thing for our children.
Keeping you in my thoughts xoxoxo
Sometimes your exh reminds me of my son's dad, who seemed to think that he could pop in AP/OW/Vista/2.0 and her kids and that our son would be A-Ok with it all.
Not. So.
I want to hug your son, and you. It is so very difficult to watch our children suffering from the aftermath of their other parent's choices. My son doesn't want this new family; he wants HIS family. I'm happy your son is telling you what's going on. Mine has kept it bottled up for years and now it's been bubbling over in self destructive ways. The sense of abandonment is devastating for these kids. I've tried to over-compensate, which has created other issues. I don't advise that!
It's so hard to take the high road when the b@st@rds are hurting our kids but that's the best thing for our children.
Keeping you in my thoughts xoxoxo
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 12/22/21 06:15 PM
Hello friends!! Since it's almost Christmas, I thought I would try and update.
I am completely moved in to my house, all the rooms are completed, just waiting on dining chairs and a buffet (delivery scheduled for January).
I sat on my couch on my last day off, ordered a steak dinner and watched Despicable Me. lol. It was GLORIOUS!!!
The peace I felt was amazing. The feeling that I have made a home for myself, when 2 years ago I couldn't even picture a life without XH feels incredible.
******
D.
You were right, of course, S20 felt a strong reaction to XH FaceTime, but has since come to terms with it (again). I believe it's part of the journey. S20 said that they had a talk and XH wasn't happy about him living here primarily. I gently reminded him that other people's reactions/emotions are not our responsibility. We have had a full week of roommates again. It's been nice. He goes to XH and spends nights. Does not affect me emotionally at all, even when he mentions OW stayed the night. It's not my life anymore.
Bttrfly,
Thank you for the hugs and support. It helps so much to be relatable. Even or maybe especially in these times, when it seems like a parallel universe to the people we once knew. S20 has been talking a lot, which makes me happy. Distance and time have helped immensely on my end. I can hear about the OW without any ill feelings. I knew at some point that would happen. Knew it but couldn't truly believe it. But now, I just don't have emotion around what they do.
CW,
I've been trying to catch up on your sitch. I'm so happy you are sorting and clearing and getting it all done on the home/auto front. I do think that you put up with a lot of garbage that seems unnecessary in your dating life. But I think you will know your own limits when they are hit. My hope for you is that you accept nothing less from others that you would want for your friends.
*************
I took every extra job I could for the past 4 months. I was able to purchase the furniture I wanted, but now I am taking days off. I will be working this weekend, Fri, Sat & Sunday (Friday is Christmas Eve). Last year I spent Christmas in my apartment, alone, watching movies and eating take-out. It wasn't as sad as it sounds, It was just another day for me. This year, I am going to my S24 & DIL's house in Tennessee. I'm driving up with S20 and grandsons. Will be an adventure!
Work is still mostly exciting and good, when it's not, it doesn't bring me down. About to begin nights again, and I did begin to struggle with that at the end of the last round of nights. Hoping at some point that we are able to stay on one or the other. I have an actual life on day shift. (although my life was mostly working lol).
Still not interested in dating. I had a guy flirt a little via text (he works at a different agency) I shifted the tone of the text and didn't think anything of it, and then about 2 hours later, his WIFE called and yelled at me!!!
I didn't flirt back. I didn't know he was married (didn't really care as all he is is a work-related person). I told the wife that while I understood that she was upset, it was between her and her husband. I asked her if she actually read what I texted and she stated that it didn't matter, I had no right to text him. Ugh. She then threatened to have me fired (She actually did call my supervisor).
I blocked his number. My supervisor said if he or she contacts me in any way, he would deal with it swiftly, that they both had been told off.
It was kind of an eye-opener and reminder of how unbelievably peaceful my life is now that I'm not in the same house as a flirty unfaithful partner.
So....I'm just going to continue on my own path and try and be more careful about sharing my phone number, and be so very grateful that I don't have to deal with flirty texts between my own husband and various women.
Hope you all are having the most wonderful Christmas season every and feeling the joy of each new day! xoxo
I am completely moved in to my house, all the rooms are completed, just waiting on dining chairs and a buffet (delivery scheduled for January).
I sat on my couch on my last day off, ordered a steak dinner and watched Despicable Me. lol. It was GLORIOUS!!!
The peace I felt was amazing. The feeling that I have made a home for myself, when 2 years ago I couldn't even picture a life without XH feels incredible.
******
D.
You were right, of course, S20 felt a strong reaction to XH FaceTime, but has since come to terms with it (again). I believe it's part of the journey. S20 said that they had a talk and XH wasn't happy about him living here primarily. I gently reminded him that other people's reactions/emotions are not our responsibility. We have had a full week of roommates again. It's been nice. He goes to XH and spends nights. Does not affect me emotionally at all, even when he mentions OW stayed the night. It's not my life anymore.
Bttrfly,
Thank you for the hugs and support. It helps so much to be relatable. Even or maybe especially in these times, when it seems like a parallel universe to the people we once knew. S20 has been talking a lot, which makes me happy. Distance and time have helped immensely on my end. I can hear about the OW without any ill feelings. I knew at some point that would happen. Knew it but couldn't truly believe it. But now, I just don't have emotion around what they do.
CW,
I've been trying to catch up on your sitch. I'm so happy you are sorting and clearing and getting it all done on the home/auto front. I do think that you put up with a lot of garbage that seems unnecessary in your dating life. But I think you will know your own limits when they are hit. My hope for you is that you accept nothing less from others that you would want for your friends.
*************
I took every extra job I could for the past 4 months. I was able to purchase the furniture I wanted, but now I am taking days off. I will be working this weekend, Fri, Sat & Sunday (Friday is Christmas Eve). Last year I spent Christmas in my apartment, alone, watching movies and eating take-out. It wasn't as sad as it sounds, It was just another day for me. This year, I am going to my S24 & DIL's house in Tennessee. I'm driving up with S20 and grandsons. Will be an adventure!
Work is still mostly exciting and good, when it's not, it doesn't bring me down. About to begin nights again, and I did begin to struggle with that at the end of the last round of nights. Hoping at some point that we are able to stay on one or the other. I have an actual life on day shift. (although my life was mostly working lol).
Still not interested in dating. I had a guy flirt a little via text (he works at a different agency) I shifted the tone of the text and didn't think anything of it, and then about 2 hours later, his WIFE called and yelled at me!!!
I didn't flirt back. I didn't know he was married (didn't really care as all he is is a work-related person). I told the wife that while I understood that she was upset, it was between her and her husband. I asked her if she actually read what I texted and she stated that it didn't matter, I had no right to text him. Ugh. She then threatened to have me fired (She actually did call my supervisor).
I blocked his number. My supervisor said if he or she contacts me in any way, he would deal with it swiftly, that they both had been told off.
It was kind of an eye-opener and reminder of how unbelievably peaceful my life is now that I'm not in the same house as a flirty unfaithful partner.
So....I'm just going to continue on my own path and try and be more careful about sharing my phone number, and be so very grateful that I don't have to deal with flirty texts between my own husband and various women.
Hope you all are having the most wonderful Christmas season every and feeling the joy of each new day! xoxo
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 12/22/21 06:44 PM
Girl, you sound GOOD!!! So happy for you that you have your house all fixed up and have furniture!!! Life is going to be good this year.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 12/22/21 11:52 PM
Merry Christmas Hope! xoxoxo Was just thinking about you. I'm so pleased with this update. Safe travels over the holidays xoxoxo
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 12/24/21 04:05 PM
Merry Christmas Hope
The very best to you over the holidays and into the new year.
D
The very best to you over the holidays and into the new year.
D
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 01/02/22 11:07 PM
Originally Posted by DnJ
Good Morning BL
åWell done with the Christmas Eve/Day and week. It sounds like S6 and D3 had a wonderful time. And so did Dad! Love hearing how D3 is such a daredevil.
You’ve got a wonderful family my friend. The work for you is letting go your old definition of family and embracing (and believing) the new definition.
Yes, a very common fear. Let it go. That fear will not serve you, and keeps your focus more on what you feel you lost than what you actually gained.
As special as the time is spending it with your kids, it is just a special for them spending time with you. Oddly, and albeit unwished for, this situation can/will (depends upon you) make you and your kids relationship even better.
BL, you could. It’s ok, you chose to snoop. We’ve all been there. Realizing, and owning, this choice allows you to choose differently in the future, if you want to. “Couldn’t help it”, will ensure you remain powerless. Be the captain of your ship and destiny.
And “but” is justifying your actions as well.
I previously blocked her on the main social media sites, but couldn't help but a bit and snoop at this finding late last night.
Yes, she is crafting her narrative. Her reality. Almost no one is the villain in their own story. Combining and reconciling her version with real feedback from life leads to confusion. That usually leads to more justifying, denying, projecting, etc. Eventually the WAS/WS starts to own their path and choices and this external display of seeking validation lessens and ceases. Then the inner work really starts.
BL, do not get drawn in to her narrative.
Of course you weren’t perfect. None of us are. However, her problems are her’s! You didn’t break her. You cannot fix her.
Having the rug pulled out from under one’s self; being betrayed so suddenly; takes a big hit on one’s confidence. It takes awhile to find one’s center.
You bet - it’s not fair. Who said life was going to be, or suppose to be, fair?
You only control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
Acting/reacting out of anger will lead certainly to regret. Manipulation never works out well. We cannot see all ends, and you do not want the knowledge nor the responsibility of her life’s outcome upon your head.
Thoughts. You control those as well. Oddly, exploring this wee fantasy can lead to better loving detachment. One needs to understand the dark to understand the light. Just don’t get lost within the dark.
Utilize your imagination. Control your thoughts. Imagine her comeuppance and consequences come to fruition. Do really want a hand in that? Would you, BL, want that responsibility seared into your soul?
Let go. Let God.
Karma will look after things.
Control. Negative begets negative. Positive begets positive.
Life is not fair. You have the better end of the stick. By far! Never doubt that.
A divorce. A new house. A new man/family. A new employer. Within such a short span of time. Look at this. Read it. How is that something great? How is that aspiring? Who would strive for such a life?
Sin is a sin for a reason. Her life ain’t all roses. Give her to God and let go. Loving detachment my friend. And a big old heap of compassion.
Life is about the journey. Your journey. Positive begets positive.
A few things:
Stop practicing loving detachment and start living it. Like most things, mindset is everything.
The angry and hurt part of you will heal. It will heal faster if you do not tie it to a karmic revenge.
Being honest is awesome! You need to know accurately where and what you are internally dealing with.
Let go. You definitely do not want to contribute to a negative outcome for her.
However, and quite oddly, wishing for is not the same. Wishes belong to the fantasy realm. An outcome we’d like, and won’t truly put forth any effort into achieving. It’s a wish. In this case, validating what you suspect. Her reasons and bases of her new life choices is a foundation of deceit. And like sand it will crumble under the pressures of life.
Good. Honest. Now let it go.
I’m thinking this view/desire might be getting altered.
Nice. Well envisioned. And imagination is the first, and a critical step in crafting reality.
You control you. What do you need to do to get here?
By the way, compassion has a component of indifference to it. You can live in Grace and hold XW accountable. You need not be friends; friends don’t treat you that way. Be cordial and kind. Compassionate and indifferent.
What an interesting observation and inference.
I consider myself a rather enthusiastic proponent of forgiveness. My XW’s struggles have validated my views, and over and over again confirmed her tormented path. I am mostly heartbroken for what was once such a wonderful women to be brought so low. The fragility of the mind is truly staggering.
The freedom of forgiveness is incredible. Do consider the object you are forgiving.
Love the sinner, forgive the sin.
Most people believe you forgive the person. That places you morally above them, which is not a forgiving position. Love the person, for they are a soul. Lost, hurt, and in pain. Forgive their actions. Write upon the invoice of retribution you hold within your heart - paid in full. And let it go.
Forgiveness truly is for the one forgiving.
After bomb drop, I was so distraught I slept for only 90 minutes at a time. Night after night of terrible sleeps. One night, a few months after BD, I was blasted awake from my fitful sleep. My then STBXW was within a horribly vivid nightmarish hellish torture. The brutality and horribleness is beyond words.
I fell upon my knees. Right then and there. In the darkness at the edge of the bed. And I begged God to forgive J! I absolutely begged God! Imagine that. A scared frightened soul begging the almighty to forgive the one who betray them and their family; one who had betray themselves.
We can forgive actions. Only God can forgive the person or soul. And only God can judge their soul.
That’s my forgiveness. I do not wish upon her what I saw! I want no hand in that. God knows far more than I can ever comprehend, and I’ll leave her fate in His wise charge.
When you let go personal retribution or grudges or the need for karma; you are left with love. The world looks a whole lot different after that.
You are doing really well my friend.
D
åWell done with the Christmas Eve/Day and week. It sounds like S6 and D3 had a wonderful time. And so did Dad! Love hearing how D3 is such a daredevil.
You’ve got a wonderful family my friend. The work for you is letting go your old definition of family and embracing (and believing) the new definition.
Originally Posted by BL42
So fortunate to have the extra time with them. One of my biggest fears in the D was the loss of half my children's lives, but so far I've been engaged a majority of the time, so that's good.
Yes, a very common fear. Let it go. That fear will not serve you, and keeps your focus more on what you feel you lost than what you actually gained.
As special as the time is spending it with your kids, it is just a special for them spending time with you. Oddly, and albeit unwished for, this situation can/will (depends upon you) make you and your kids relationship even better.
Originally Posted by BL42
I previously blocked her on the main social media sites, but couldn't help but a bit snoop at this finding late last night.
BL, you could. It’s ok, you chose to snoop. We’ve all been there. Realizing, and owning, this choice allows you to choose differently in the future, if you want to. “Couldn’t help it”, will ensure you remain powerless. Be the captain of your ship and destiny.
And “but” is justifying your actions as well.
I previously blocked her on the main social media sites, but couldn't help but a bit and snoop at this finding late last night.
Originally Posted by BL42
Apparently back in April, a month before our D finalized, she made a board with dozens of motivational quotes about: leaving past behind, overcoming being broken, becoming the strong person you used to be, learning to be happy by yourself and then finding the right person at an unexpected time (odd, because she went right from OM1 to OM2 while married to me), remembering the person you were before marriage, you never know a man until you divorce him, it wont always hurt and you and the kids with get through this, being a mother and trying to heal yourself mentally and emotionally is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, people are going to talk about you for what you're during (i.e., divorce) so just seek happiness...etc, etc.
I felt a weird mix of emotions reading through those quotes. For one thing it demonstrates how the WAS/WS can go through a lot of turmoil mentally even if it doesn't show through to the LBS. We LBSs don't always have insight into that.
I felt a weird mix of emotions reading through those quotes. For one thing it demonstrates how the WAS/WS can go through a lot of turmoil mentally even if it doesn't show through to the LBS. We LBSs don't always have insight into that.
Yes, she is crafting her narrative. Her reality. Almost no one is the villain in their own story. Combining and reconciling her version with real feedback from life leads to confusion. That usually leads to more justifying, denying, projecting, etc. Eventually the WAS/WS starts to own their path and choices and this external display of seeking validation lessens and ceases. Then the inner work really starts.
Originally Posted by BL42
But it also got me worked up it seems like a theme is how I broke her and she needs to heal herself from me and become strong and happy again. I don't know. I vacillate on this. I certainly wasn't perfect and couldn't been better, but overall am a fantastic father and was a pretty decent to above average husband (imo). There were times I could've done better planning date nights and being romantic, but things were pretty hectic with work and young kids. We definitely should have made more time for each other to focus on our relationship. Although I honestly do believe deep down it's her hurts and issues and ADs and counseling related to her upbringing from years before we met, findings like this (and this whole situation, including what she said to me at BD and in IHS) sew some doubt and make me second guess the man I am. I don't know.
BL, do not get drawn in to her narrative.
Of course you weren’t perfect. None of us are. However, her problems are her’s! You didn’t break her. You cannot fix her.
Having the rug pulled out from under one’s self; being betrayed so suddenly; takes a big hit on one’s confidence. It takes awhile to find one’s center.
Originally Posted by BL42
The hurt/angry part of me wants to reach out anonymously to the new employer and let them know why she's leaving the current place - part of this doesn't seem fair she can just escape everything into another situation and there should be repercussions - but admittedly that would not be loving detachment, and I should mind my own business. My guess is she may be she's trying to run away from the rumors and burnt bridges. If that happens it'll be a divorce, new house, new man/family, and new employer in the span of a year/year and a half.
You bet - it’s not fair. Who said life was going to be, or suppose to be, fair?
You only control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
Acting/reacting out of anger will lead certainly to regret. Manipulation never works out well. We cannot see all ends, and you do not want the knowledge nor the responsibility of her life’s outcome upon your head.
Thoughts. You control those as well. Oddly, exploring this wee fantasy can lead to better loving detachment. One needs to understand the dark to understand the light. Just don’t get lost within the dark.
Utilize your imagination. Control your thoughts. Imagine her comeuppance and consequences come to fruition. Do really want a hand in that? Would you, BL, want that responsibility seared into your soul?
Let go. Let God.
Karma will look after things.
Control. Negative begets negative. Positive begets positive.
Life is not fair. You have the better end of the stick. By far! Never doubt that.
A divorce. A new house. A new man/family. A new employer. Within such a short span of time. Look at this. Read it. How is that something great? How is that aspiring? Who would strive for such a life?
Sin is a sin for a reason. Her life ain’t all roses. Give her to God and let go. Loving detachment my friend. And a big old heap of compassion.
Life is about the journey. Your journey. Positive begets positive.
Originally Posted by BL42
…if I'm practicing loving detachment then I shouldn't be wishing for let alone contributing to a negative outcome for her, but if I'm being honest with myself there's still part of me that's angry and hurt and would relish in some karma/revenge. Still have some work to do in that area.
A few things:
Stop practicing loving detachment and start living it.
Like most things, mindset is everything.The angry and hurt part of you will heal. It will heal faster if you do not tie it to a karmic revenge.
Being honest is awesome! You need to know accurately where and what you are internally dealing with.
Let go. You definitely do not want to contribute to a negative outcome for her.
However, and quite oddly, wishing for is not the same. Wishes belong to the fantasy realm. An outcome we’d like, and won’t truly put forth any effort into achieving. It’s a wish. In this case, validating what you suspect. Her reasons and bases of her new life choices is a foundation of deceit. And like sand it will crumble under the pressures of life.
Originally Posted by BL42
The truth is I would love to hear hear things didn't work out with OM2
Good. Honest. Now let it go.
Originally Posted by BL42
…and part of me would even like to play a hand in that, say by sending him and his family my evidence of ExW's affair with OM1.
I’m thinking this view/desire might be getting altered.
Originally Posted by BL42
To me, loving detachment is getting to the point where I'm no longer reveling in her setbacks or imaging some revenge in my mind, but rather be un-invested in ExW's successes or failures and unemotionally responding to them. It's not giving any mind space or time of day to her outcomes, not getting worked up about certain triggers, and having more grace in treating ExW with greater compassion (in the limited interactions we have).
Nice. Well envisioned. And imagination is the first, and a critical step in crafting reality.
You control you. What do you need to do to get here?
By the way, compassion has a component of indifference to it. You can live in Grace and hold XW accountable. You need not be friends; friends don’t treat you that way. Be cordial and kind. Compassionate and indifferent.
Originally Posted by LH19
One of the biggest proponents of detachment and forgiveness on this board clearly shows in their posts they are enjoying watching their ex struggle.
What an interesting observation and inference.
I consider myself a rather enthusiastic proponent of forgiveness. My XW’s struggles have validated my views, and over and over again confirmed her tormented path. I am mostly heartbroken for what was once such a wonderful women to be brought so low. The fragility of the mind is truly staggering.
The freedom of forgiveness is incredible. Do consider the object you are forgiving.
Love the sinner, forgive the sin.
Most people believe you forgive the person. That places you morally above them, which is not a forgiving position. Love the person, for they are a soul. Lost, hurt, and in pain. Forgive their actions. Write upon the invoice of retribution you hold within your heart - paid in full. And let it go.
Forgiveness truly is for the one forgiving.
After bomb drop, I was so distraught I slept for only 90 minutes at a time. Night after night of terrible sleeps. One night, a few months after BD, I was blasted awake from my fitful sleep. My then STBXW was within a horribly vivid nightmarish hellish torture. The brutality and horribleness is beyond words.
I fell upon my knees. Right then and there. In the darkness at the edge of the bed. And I begged God to forgive J! I absolutely begged God! Imagine that. A scared frightened soul begging the almighty to forgive the one who betray them and their family; one who had betray themselves.
We can forgive actions. Only God can forgive the person or soul. And only God can judge their soul.
That’s my forgiveness. I do not wish upon her what I saw! I want no hand in that. God knows far more than I can ever comprehend, and I’ll leave her fate in His wise charge.
When you let go personal retribution or grudges or the need for karma; you are left with love. The world looks a whole lot different after that.
You are doing really well my friend.
D
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 01/02/22 11:17 PM
While reading through, attempting at catching up with everyone, I read the above post. It has so much in it, I posted it here for myself, to remind me, and for anyone else that happens to read it. So much wisdom and truth here that if you listen to, will aide in the healing process.
*****
NYE came and went. I worked an extra job at a wedding venue. Spent a nice time watching the celebration of young love. One might think that I would avoid this, but I have found for the past 6 months or so, it's actually good for me to see happy couples in love.
Most of my friends are still married or engaged. I love being around them. Not one relationship is perfect, but it is comforting to see them in the ups and downs and stay committed to each other. Gives me such hope.
It used to be difficult to see others, it's good to know and remember that feelings are finite, change is inevitable and growth is possible.
I did have an offer of a New Year's "smootch" lol. I politely declined. I believe if there is someone I am meant to connect with, I will. Right now, I wouldn't mind a date, but I'm ok without one, too.
There are moments of acute loneliness. They now last for only a brief moment. Still there, but I can remember when those moments lasted what felt like hours, days, sometimes weeks.
It has been nice being at peace with my situation and myself.
I'm just loving my new place. I have amazing neighbors and the workload is manageable on my own. I am learning a lot of DIY from youtube! Not all projects have been successful, but I also have found a handy man to come to the rescue if I take on more than I can handle.
I hope this new year finds you all at peace.
xo
*****
NYE came and went. I worked an extra job at a wedding venue. Spent a nice time watching the celebration of young love. One might think that I would avoid this, but I have found for the past 6 months or so, it's actually good for me to see happy couples in love.
Most of my friends are still married or engaged. I love being around them. Not one relationship is perfect, but it is comforting to see them in the ups and downs and stay committed to each other. Gives me such hope.
It used to be difficult to see others, it's good to know and remember that feelings are finite, change is inevitable and growth is possible.
I did have an offer of a New Year's "smootch" lol. I politely declined. I believe if there is someone I am meant to connect with, I will. Right now, I wouldn't mind a date, but I'm ok without one, too.
There are moments of acute loneliness. They now last for only a brief moment. Still there, but I can remember when those moments lasted what felt like hours, days, sometimes weeks.
It has been nice being at peace with my situation and myself.
I'm just loving my new place. I have amazing neighbors and the workload is manageable on my own. I am learning a lot of DIY from youtube! Not all projects have been successful, but I also have found a handy man to come to the rescue if I take on more than I can handle.
I hope this new year finds you all at peace.
xo
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 01/02/22 11:29 PM
such a great post Hope. Happy New Year! xoxoxo
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 01/02/22 11:30 PM
Happy New year to you, too!!!
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 01/15/22 02:23 AM
Another weekend off! S20 is here full-time now. He and his dad had another clash. Seems the GF and her 2 young sons stayed the night while he was there for NYE and S20 heard several new versions of the inception of their relationship.
I listened and validated. S20 decided to stand by his dad's side last year. I remember thinking how much it would hurt when the truth came out, because it always does.
I remember years ago, during his first bout of affairs, I experienced what a therapist told me was "trickle-truth". Exactly as it sounds. The lies are slowly exposed, painfully slow, in a trickle. One never knows where ground zero is, because when you think, "ok. i know it all now. I can live with this new revelation." a new small bomb goes off. I remember losing my mind over time because I didn't know right from left or up from down.
Looking back now, I am surprised at how much I endured. I don't regret giving him chance after chance. I don't regret doing everything I could to save a marriage. I'm thankful for the lessons learned. I am so grateful for the peace I have. Maybe it's because I can look back now, without any hurt, anger or resentment, and realize...there was absolutely NOTHING I could have done to change his behavior. I did everything possible to save the M.
My kids know that. My sons and their wives. I have a journey that helps me be credible when they come to me with difficult lives. I didn't do anything perfectly, and I can share that, appropriately, when they need to hear that, too.
Just sitting here in this quiet house, thanking God for getting me through. For putting the right people in my life. For giving me strength. For giving me a safe place for my hope.
For giving me this place and all of you who understand. I felt so alone when I joined. A trick of the mind, that.
I heard an interesting phrase yesterday that I have been considering.
"Let them."
If they want to go, let them
If they want to destroy themselves, let them
If they want to learn the hard way, let them
If they want to love you, let them
Still thinking about that and what it is, to me, is letting go. Of any expectation that I have a responsibility for other's lives. Responsible to them - of course. To be honest, loyal, trustworthy, and true. But not for them.
I will let them.
xo
I listened and validated. S20 decided to stand by his dad's side last year. I remember thinking how much it would hurt when the truth came out, because it always does.
I remember years ago, during his first bout of affairs, I experienced what a therapist told me was "trickle-truth". Exactly as it sounds. The lies are slowly exposed, painfully slow, in a trickle. One never knows where ground zero is, because when you think, "ok. i know it all now. I can live with this new revelation." a new small bomb goes off. I remember losing my mind over time because I didn't know right from left or up from down.
Looking back now, I am surprised at how much I endured. I don't regret giving him chance after chance. I don't regret doing everything I could to save a marriage. I'm thankful for the lessons learned. I am so grateful for the peace I have. Maybe it's because I can look back now, without any hurt, anger or resentment, and realize...there was absolutely NOTHING I could have done to change his behavior. I did everything possible to save the M.
My kids know that. My sons and their wives. I have a journey that helps me be credible when they come to me with difficult lives. I didn't do anything perfectly, and I can share that, appropriately, when they need to hear that, too.
Just sitting here in this quiet house, thanking God for getting me through. For putting the right people in my life. For giving me strength. For giving me a safe place for my hope.
For giving me this place and all of you who understand. I felt so alone when I joined. A trick of the mind, that.
I heard an interesting phrase yesterday that I have been considering.
"Let them."
If they want to go, let them
If they want to destroy themselves, let them
If they want to learn the hard way, let them
If they want to love you, let them
Still thinking about that and what it is, to me, is letting go. Of any expectation that I have a responsibility for other's lives. Responsible to them - of course. To be honest, loyal, trustworthy, and true. But not for them.
I will let them.
xo
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 01/15/22 03:14 AM
Amen.
Well done Hope.
Oh, the trickle-truth. A perfect description.
Isn’t it wonderful once one gets through to the other side? A journey not wanted, amazingly becomes a journey we cherish.
Let them.
Well done Hope.
Oh, the trickle-truth. A perfect description.
Isn’t it wonderful once one gets through to the other side? A journey not wanted, amazingly becomes a journey we cherish.
Let them.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 01/15/22 03:23 AM
You sound great, girl. Congrats on getting your new place set up. Peace of mind feels so good. Detachment feels so good.
Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks - 01/15/22 12:47 PM
yes. letting go and the sister concept, strong boundaries ... boundaries are for us, to remind us where we begin and end, where our responsibility truly lies, and even more importantly, where it doesn't.
without strong boundaries we cannot truly let go, because we always end up taking back something that's not really ours.
put another way: letting go is actually a gift we give both the person we're letting go of and ourselves. there's no teacher so powerful as experience.
Hope you sound wonderful! I'm so happy for you xoxoxo
without strong boundaries we cannot truly let go, because we always end up taking back something that's not really ours.
put another way: letting go is actually a gift we give both the person we're letting go of and ourselves. there's no teacher so powerful as experience.
Hope you sound wonderful! I'm so happy for you xoxoxo