Link to my old thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2917335&page=1Nothing too new here. CMM had a rougher than usual time with chemo this time around, and we contemplated postponing the next round by a week, but it's too difficult to reschedule with one week's notice so he's decided to go ahead Friday. Perhaps instead we can talk his doctor into reducing the dose somewhat this time. Or maybe his blood count will dictate a delay, if his platelets have dropped again.
Had a discussion with my middle son about my estate plan ideas. There is an advantage to passing the house to one son (the ability to do a transfer on death deed that will keep the low property tax rate and make transfer easier) but it does make evening things out with the other two a little complicated. My middle son though seemed enthusiastic about the idea of my oldest inheriting the house (where he lives, and he is the one who would always welcome any of his siblings home if they needed to live there with him). He's also the one who could live with roommates if needed to finance the property tax and maintenance bills. I think if he gets the house, and the money is split between the other two, I could maybe even it out by giving the other two a small (maybe 10%) interest in the house to be due if my son ever sells it. It might mean having to redo that part of my will periodically as house value and retirement fund values fluctuate but seems the most fair way to do it.
As mentioned before, I am not sure my kids will ever inherit anything from their father, since his young wife is only ten years or so older than my kids and is likely to outlive them as she's Asian and healthy. I don't know for sure but the impression I get is that my ex has a standard pass through trust where his wife gets use of the estate while alive, and then it goes to my kids. So I feel like it's up to me to preserve a little nest egg for them. (They all have struggles and/or health issues).
B and her numerous siblings did something interesting. Their parents have a large lake-front property where all of the kids have build cottages.
A number of years ago, their mother sold the property to the eldest couple of kids for a nominal amount. On her passing, the kids are to sell the property and split the proceeds.
My grandmother did something similar. She sold the family farm to one of my cousins - again for a nominal amount. If the estate had gone to probate it probably would have been split and no one of her grandkids could have afforded to buy it. I thought it was a fabulous idea. My cousin who ended up with the farm had already been actively working it and it stays in the family without him being burdened by debt trying to buy everyone else out.
"Fair" - perhaps not in a purely financial point of view - there were about 300 acres of prime farmland involved here. But I at least, all my cousins and siblings I am sure thought it was the "right" and "fair" thing to do.
You're perhaps a bit young to do something like this but it is something perhaps to consider.
As an aside - in my will, my lawyer told me very specifically to not itemize any bequests but to just use the vague language of "estate to be divided equally" and to have a separate document that I update from time to time to list the various bequests. Only an issue if they kids disagree. Neither of them want the house and I suspect not my Don Quixote statue either. There were some raised eyebrows over the assignment of the silver tea service.
Yes, there's not really a lot of "stuff" of any value, and I would put anything like that into an informal document, as my mom did. I can't imagine my kids fighting over the handful of paintings (none valuable, most amateur), I don't have any jewelry of value, really my car would be the only thing. And I'm pretty sure my kids would be able to agree to give that to the kid in most need of a car at the time.
The one thing my mom did which was super helpful was that she put me on her bank accounts. That enabled me to immediately access that money to pay for funeral expenses and I was able to divide the rest of it up amongst my siblings as soon as I knew what was left after paying off her few bills. I know it's not a good option in many families where there might be a temptation to take that money or suspicion about it but I was ever so grateful in this case and all my siblings knew they could trust me to be completely honest. Retirement accounts had us listed as beneficiaries but that still takes some time to do all the paperwork to get them distributed. None of my kids would have the money to pay for a funeral or even to keep up the mortgage payments at present so having one of them with access to the accounts could be a good thing. For now though I think you can list them as beneficiaries of bank accounts if you die, that would probably still be slower though.I might put one son on one account so someone has access to some emergency money.
My mom left small amounts of cash to her grandchildren and everything else was equally divided into three for me and my siblings. She had my sister and I on her bank account (so we could pay her bills when she was unable and inherit anything remaining when she passed) and all three of us were listed as joint tenants on her home so when she passed, there was really no estate to deal with. The three of us packed up her home, divided up her possessions (basically we took turns choosing and item until everything of value was gone…the rest we donated) with only a few things having been decided by her ahead of time. We did it in two days with no arguments. The one benefit of my mom getting a terminal diagnosis is that she had time to finalize her plans so that made it really, really easy on us. I am eternally grateful that all I had to deal with was the loss of her and nothing else. The more you can prepare ahead of time, the better. Great discussions to have with your kids KML.
I was ever so grateful in this case and all my siblings knew they could trust me to be completely honest.
You are lucky in that respect - I had step brothers and sisters who could care less about my side of the family.
Divorce strikes again.
Yes, it's not something I would advise in most families - even the most normal appearing sibling relationships can go south in a bad way when money is involved. Stories are rampant of unscrupulous siblings stealing the inheritance. Luckily my mom's estate was small (about $28k for each of four siblings) and divided evenly (with the exception of her used Honda Civic which we all agreed to give to my younger brother, who was most in need of a car). She didn't have any belongings of value and so there was really nothing to fight about.
Both my older brother and I were executors but since he's in another state and mom lived with me it was just easier for me to handle everything.
Yay! Just got an email from a distant (third?) cousin of mine. She had found me on 23andme a year ago, she's a biracial artist doing a project on race and family. Her mother is Jamaican or Haitian (don't remember which) and her father was Canadian. She shares my mother's maiden name and I happen to have a detailed genealogy of that side of the family going all the way back to France in the 1700's (French-Canadian). She only knew a couple of generations back on her father's side but I was able to piece together some information and show her exactly where she sat in the family tree and fill in all those back generations for her. Now that she's vaccinated she will be traveling around the U.S. on her art project and I should get to meet her in the summer. Fun!
She had found me on 23andme a year ago, she's a biracial artist doing a project on race and family. Now that she's vaccinated she will be traveling around the U.S. on her art project and I should get to meet her in the summer.
Wow, kml, happy happenstance! Sounds like a fun meeting.
The three of us packed up her home, divided up her possessions (basically we took turns choosing and item until everything of value was gone…the rest we donated)
My extended family split in half over a similar division. The oldest son remembered being promised the father's knife. The oldest daughter cared for him in his final years and claimed first pick and took the knife. Other relatives chose sides. Decides of 100+ person family gatherings ended by a simple knife. I can't imagine how complicated it gets when actual money is involved and it's not a simple knife. Props to siblings who settle things maturely. Props to parents who take the time to write clear wills.
Any thoughts on vaccination and myocarditis? For 16-19 y/o boys, Israel says 168 per million developed myocarditis after vaccination and 0.4 per million died. Compare this to COVID's US rates for 0-17 y/o's of 89 hospitalizations per million and 14 deaths per million. COVID kills more, myocarditis hospitalizes more?
PS - My son just turned 12, and I convinced my XW to get him vaccinated!
Covid is a MUCH bigger risk than the vaccine. Most cases of vaccine-associated myocarditis are mild and resolve quickly. (And not all get hospitalized, which may be the difference between your Israeli myocarditis cases and your US Covid hospitalizations). I haven’t seen data on this with the vaccine, but selenium deficiency is a known risk factor for viral myocarditis with other viruses, so you could put him on selenium 200 mcg a day as a preventive (or have him eat a handful of Brazil nuts a week, they are a rich source).
To put this into perspective though, allergic reactions to penicillin cause 500 deaths a year in the U.S. lightning kills 49 per year. So they are still more likely to be killed by lightning than by the vaccine.
Just watched In the Heights (on GBO Max - much as I would have liked to see it in the theater, still don’t feel that’s safe with my boyfriend on chemo). SO so good. Highly recommend it!
Ooh! A musical. It's PG-13 so may wait to see that one with my kids. (:
Yes, nothing at all objectionable to the kids. In fact, it’s told in the form of a guy telling a story to four young kids. It’s on HBO Max but they only keep movies like that for a couple of weeks so don’t wait too long.
Quiet week, busy at work, CMM tired as is usual for the week after chemo but I think doing a little better than last month (we asked to reduce his chemo slightly this round.)
Had the zoom chat with my distant cousin (I believe we share a great great grandfather) who is doing an art project about race and family and will be visiting this summer. She’s mixed race -black on her fathers side, French Canadian on the side related to me, with some Jewish heritage thrown in their somewhere too. She’s lovely and it will be fun to be a participant in her project. It’s being funded by National Geographic I think. Cool huh?
On a different note - thought of something a few days ago. My ex and I met in medical school. I had a roommate, he had a roommate. About 8 months into dating, we were spending half our time at his place and half at mine. My roommate was planning to move to another city to be with a new boyfriend. His roommate was kicking him out (in retrospect, I think I should have questioned him more closely about why). It seemed to make sense for him to move in with me.
A couple months after he moved in, he left for a month working in a clinic in Hawaii, along with a handful of classmates. He then came home for a few days, then flew home for a vacation visit with his family. (He had the summer off, I was in school all summer).
Anyway - on that week he was home between travels , he announced that he didn’t think we should live together. I was blindsided, as things had been going quite well I thought. He tried to blame it on his father not approving, but this was the first I’d heard of it. I remember doing a version of the “pick me dance” and by the time he’d returned from his visit with his family we were back on , living together.
But it did dawn on me, last week, knowing what I know now about him - he probably cheated on me during that Hawaii trip! That would explain the sudden flip flop on living together (guilt!) and then reversal after his vacation home (his brothers probably talked some sense into him), There were women classmates on that trip.
I don’t know why I be never put two and two together before, but I’d be willing to bet now that that was the first time he cheated on me. God I was dumb!
kml, you're probably right, but remember to only knee him in the groin for the cheating you're certain about!
Lol - nope. karma and life has taken care of that for me, I don't need to do anything to him. And it's not like I care after all this time, it's just unraveling all the lies makes sense of so much in my past life that I was oblivious to. And boy I was gullible.
Like the time a surfing friend of my ex's accused my ex of having made a pass at his wife. At the time I totally bought my ex's side of the story and thought perhaps the friend was just overly jealous or the wife had simply misinterpreted a friendly gesture from my extroverted H. Now, of course, I'm sure he must have done something inappropriate. So many little things like that.
Or the time he came home from a business trip and told me the story of a call girl coming to his door and finding that he was not the customer, asking to use the phone. At the time I thought oh, he's being so transparent. Now of course I suspect he was signaling that he became her substitute client.
Narcissists are pretty good at lying to your face when it suits their purposes.
On a completely different note - if anyone's looking for something light to watch, check out Starstruck on HBO Max. Very cute and funny story about a 20-something young woman who gets drunks and sleeps with a guy, only to discover the next morning that he's a famous movie star. Quite fun.
At the time I thought oh, he's being so transparent. Now of course I suspect he was signaling that he became her substitute client.
Narcissists are pretty good at lying to your face when it suits their purposes.
This reminds me when at the height of her affair when she was still doing the double-life thing that my ex suddenly became "very transparent" - telling me when she was out and where she was going and who she was with.
In hindsight - I honestly don't know what the truth was but those sort of crumbs certainly kept me dancing and hoping. I think at the time that someone wrote to me here something to the effect of her shining a light on what she wanted me to see so that I wouldn't see what she wanted kept hidden.
There was also the time when she went away with a GF and came back complaining that her friend was out all night partying - her friend had a story that was the exact opposite I only heard long after she left.
I've heard that a big part of the thrill of an affair is the "getting away with it" part.
yeah - there were other times when my ex telegraphed stuff that he was doing (that I see now in retrospect but that went completely over my head at the time). It's like they are so excited about their secret that they want to share it with the person they share everything else with?
CMM is cooking ribs for Independence Day and they are smelling goooood!!!
Been a busy weekend so far (drove an hour and a half to second son’s to help him with a car purchase). Today and tomorrow are for relaxing.
Funny story to tell. Had a new patient earlier this week. As she was preparing to leave, she asked if she should bring her husband to see me. He has a mysterious painful rash when exposed to the sun for even a few minutes, and if he gets re-exposed to the sun within a couple days the reaction is even worse. I had an inkling what this might be, and after a little research I’m pretty sure I know what it will be (very rare disease). So the next day I’m talking to my sister on speakerphone in the office I share with my business partner (another MD). I’m telling my sister that I feel like a rare disease magnet lately and start to tell her the story and my sister (who has no medical training) shouts out “Is it porphyria????”. (That is indeed what I was just about to tell her I think it is).
Oh, you should have seen my partner’s face! She’s like “wait, I didn’t even know about porphyria, how does her non-medical sister know this??? “
Turns out, just by chance, my sister’s friend has a daughter who is being worked up for strange symptoms and porphyria is one of the things they’re considering, so my sister got curious and had just read upon porphyria that weekend! But my partner now thinks I come from a family of geniuses lol.
It’s very rare, and I obviously need to get a lot more of the medical history, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a particular form of cutaneous porphyria called EPP. I’m looking forward to helping this guy.
CMM had his semi-annual PET scan done Friday. We haven't seen the results yet, but yesterday the radiation oncologist's office called to schedule him an appointment on Friday, just before his regular oncologist and chemo. This likely means that there's something new on the scan that they want to do radiation treatment for.
Sorry to hear this, kml. You've noted CMM's quirks, but also that he has some great qualities. I'm glad this news came after the 4th of July so you two were able to enjoy a good holiday together.
But my partner now thinks I come from a family of geniuses lol.
As one of my doctors often says, both could be true! A family of geniuses plus odd luck hearing about the disease. (:
Just a family with curious minds and a predilection for reading. I often say, my super power is, I know how to LOOK THINGS UP! My son said I should have that on a coffee mug.
So, CMM's PET scan results are kind of a bad news/good news situation.
The good news? No new bony metastases.
The bad news - a couple new active spots in the lungs.
The good news? Radiation oncologist thinks he can zap those, and so far, CMM's tumors have been sensitive to radiation.
The bad news? His regular oncologist doesn't think it's worth continuing his current chemo.
The good news? He thinks, given the genetics of his tumor, we might be able to use a new targeted oral chemo drug called Mektovi that is approved for melanoma but still in trials for lung cancer.
The bad news? It's wicked expensive, and getting it covered when it's not approved yet for his type of cancer may be hard. (Cash price something like $10k a month).
The good news? Since chemo was cancelled today, my good friends are going to drive down tomorrow for dinner with us.
Had a great visit yesterday with my friends. We sat outside in the back yard, not because of Covid (all are fully vaccinated and careful because my friend has had a heart transplant) but because his wife is wicked allergic to cats. My son kept his cat in his room, but still, I’ve seen her have a bad allergy attack just from walking through the house.
They’d just had their fourth grandchild the night before, and they’ll be driving up to Washington the next week to meet him. Their first grandchild, the older sister of this new one, is super cute, blue eyed, blond with Shirley Temple curls. Which is a testament to recessive genes, because Grandpa is a very dark skinned African American!
Anyway, it was fun to sit and laugh with them. They’ve been married something like 45 years, and I’ve known them maybe 42 of those years.
Good morning, Ellie! Very sorry to hear about the Good News/ Bad News prognosis for CMM...especially for the exorbitant pricing! I saw something the other day that said to the effect, "No wonder Americans are suspicious of socialized medicine, they think that the high prices we pay are NORMAL!"
Super happy to hear you had a great visit w/ friends.
SG
So, CMM's PET scan results are kind of a bad news/good news situation.
The good news? No new bony metastases.
The bad news - a couple new active spots in the lungs.
The good news? Radiation oncologist thinks he can zap those, and so far, CMM's tumors have been sensitive to radiation.
The bad news? His regular oncologist doesn't think it's worth continuing his current chemo.
The good news? He thinks, given the genetics of his tumor, we might be able to use a new targeted oral chemo drug called Mektovi that is approved for melanoma but still in trials for lung cancer.
The bad news? It's wicked expensive, and getting it covered when it's not approved yet for his type of cancer may be hard. (Cash price something like $10k a month).
The good news? Since chemo was cancelled today, my good friends are going to drive down tomorrow for dinner with us.
$10k a month. any way for him to get into a clin trial for lungs?
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
Not for this drug at the moment. But if it’s not available to him, I’ll definitely keep looking for trials of other kinds. I’ve also ordered a natural supplement that inhibits the same enzyme the drug does. Not the same , of course, but might be helpful.
he's so lucky to have you!
Well much to my surprise, the medication was approved! Mind you, this is not a cure, but who knows, if CMM responds it might buy him another year. Just living day to day.
Good news!!! I'm so sorry to hear of this, but I second the response with how lucky CMM is to have you.
kml, congratulations! Yes, CMM is lucky he happened upon you. Medication approved and while waiting for that you found a natural supplement that inhibits the same enzyme--amazing stuff!
My best friend talks about attachment styles (she’s an insecure attachment type, and pegs me as a secure attachment type). There’s an advice column in The Guardian that I read today which does a good job of explaining it I think. Just search Thd Guardian and “My Boyfriend said he wanted to marry me but then walked out”.
Great news about the drug KML!! Our attachment styles tend to come from very early experiences with our parents. If you are a secure attachment style, chances are you were raised by very responsive, stable parents (emphasis on the mother) who would respond to you in a predictable timely manner. I am also a secure attachment person. Sometimes I think if I was a bit more of an insecure attachment person, I might have been more sensitive to my XH’s deceptions. But when I trust someone, I TRUST someone. Still…better to be securely attached than not, I think. Hope CMM gets more time. (((HUGS)))
re: Attachment styles, yes “secure” is best—glad you both have that. I’m definitely anxious/insecure, but have learned to moderate our typical protest behaviors. In the article where she responds to his pulling away (taking a vacation without telling her) by breaking up for a day, that’s a protest behavior.
Sometimes I think if I was a bit more of an insecure attachment person, I might have been more sensitive to my XH’s deceptions
I've often thought that I didn't pick up on the red flags about my ex's narcissism BECAUSE I came from a family without dark triad issues. I just didn't really know to be looking for it.
My XH used to talk a lot about the secure vs. insecure attachment thing and always said I was a secure attacher while he was insecure. I knew all that before he came along about myself, but I could see the differences when I was side by side with him. And, I can definitely see how it ties back in to how we were raised. Interestingly, Sparky and I JUST had a similar discussion yesterday because he has a habit of doing something that I KNOW is a product of something his mother did when he was a child and still does occasionally. While Sparky, by most accounts should be an insecure attacher, he is actually a secure attacher.
It is an interesting subject for sure.
CMM’s test results today show he doesn’t have measurable antibodies from his vaccine (I say measurable because he likely still has memory cells that can make some antibodies). Cancer patients on chemo are vulnerable to poor vaccine response and this indicates he should probably have a third shot. Wish we had checked this earlier - would have been better to do the third shot before he started radiation and this new chemo.
Also learned today that an old high school friend just had aortic valve replacement surgery. Luckily it sounds like his recovery is going smoothly.
Also learned that a high school classmate died today. Not a good friend but I knew him. Cancer.
Live your lives, people.
Ellie I'm sorry about your classmate. Yes, we all need to live our lives. As I was waiting for the coffee to perc I was reflecting on a family we know, one of their children was a classmate of our son's. About two or three years before my own sitch blew up, the wife blew up their family. The husband had gotten help for a drinking problem and had about 4 years in recovery. He worked hard, built a business, was a devoted family man, and had taken up fitness in a serious way (think marathon runner). According to her he was "boring" now that he didn't drink. She went girls gone wild. I know way too much about some of the really twisted things she got into and the people she got into them with. He was such a great guy and they had a beautiful family. He started drinking again. Don't know if he's stopped. I was thinking that I can see their situation so clearly, can see that the wife was the one with the serious problems (did I mention her screwed up childhood? yup, another one with unresolved childhood trauma blowing up their lives midstream) while the husband had worked hard to address his own issues. His grief response was so extreme, he started drinking again. Don't know what happened after that. The husband wasn't the person having the breakdown, but it certainly dragged him down into a pit of despair that he may or may not have climbed out of.
I was also going through some boxes in my closet and found a bunch of clothes that I haven't worn in a minute. These were wardrobe staples the last couple years of my marriage (jeans). I WAS NOT FAT but I've internalized that so much.
Why do we let the obviously crazy people affect us so deeply that instead of living we merely exist? Life is so very short. Scr3w that. Time to really live, before you're gone. It'll be over before we know it. Minimize those regrets and use the best china more than you have in the past.
My mom had a beautiful diamond band that my dad gave her. It's sat in the box for years and years. I'm wearing it now, because she loved it, but wanted to keep it "for best" so never wore it. I started wearing it to remember them both and how much they loved each other. She has so many things tucked away "for best" ... when the heck is best? Today is best, it may be all we have. We will never be this young again, so think about that for a second. Sorry for the long rant. This batch of coffee was stronger than yesterday's, obviously.
I WAS NOT FAT but I've internalized that so much.
Fortunately I didn’t really internalize this, although I probably spent more time than necessary attempting to meet some elusive physical ideal that might make him happy.
Still, my ex was so extreme that I could laugh at it. I mean, I was 5’6” 118 lbs when we got married - actually underweight, with my ribs showing. At our tenth anniversary, after three kids, I still fit into that wedding dress. But nothing was ever perfect enough for him. And when I DID later gain some weight due to some severe thyroid problems,
well - you lose value to a narcissist if you don’t make THEM look good.
Of course, looking back, I now know that his criticism of my not-thin-enough thighs in our honeymoon pics was part of his longing/guilt/whatever over sleeping with an old girlfriend the night before our wedding (she had an abortion while we were on our week honeymoon) and who he was still communicating with. (I didn’t know all of this at the time).
I really learned what I had been missing in my marriage when every man I dated after my divorce delighted in my body, however imperfect, no matter what weight I’d gained.
You need to evict your ex from your head, bttrfly. He never deserved you.
I could not agree with you more KML and have been saying as much for the last 15 months now. But you can't have it both ways!!! It can't be "Live your life [as every day could be your last]" followed by don't visit family, don't hug loved ones, don't celebrate weddings or funerals or pretty much anything else, don't travel, don't go to concerts, don't go to sporting events, don't don't don't - instead of living your life, stay in your house where it's "safe" and don't go out or be with anyone else unless it's a life and death situation... oh but live your lives!
I'm hard pressed to find a bigger contradiction to this statement than what we have "lived" the past 18 months (until about three months ago). It just can't be both ways. What we need is balance. Certainly don't take unnecessary risks but the craziness that has been perpetuated on us has advocated anything but living our lives to the fullest. Sadly, many have giving up much of their lives, time they can never get back.
Sorry, I just could not help but to call out this huge contradiction. But, I very much agree, and always have - LIVE YOUR LIVES!!! -
You can live your life without contributing to the spread of a deadly virus. Don�t be ridiculous. Get vaccinated and wear a mask.
The selfishness of people who won�t do their part in this pandemic never ceases to amaze me. When I reminded an unvaccinated patient that she was still supposed to wear a mask in public, she told me she wouldn�t and didn�t care if she died. I asked her didn�t she care that she might give it to someone else anc she said no! The amount of selfishness and lack of civic responsibility is stunning.
Where in my post did I say anything against vaccines or even masks? I said NOTHING of the sort. My point was it�s difficult to live a full life or certainly a meaningful life when you are told NOT to visit friends and family, certainly don�t, gasp, hug or touch them. Don�t celebrate Christmas or thanksgiving. Don�t travel. Don�t go to sporting events. Heck we were told not to go out to dinner. Kids were told and still are told not to go to school. This is living our lives to the fullest?
Interesting you completely ignored this and spoke only about masks and vaccines? I�m not going to forget how our lives were put on hold for over a year and with no good outcome. Your comment was live your lives - which I agree with. To be sure getting a vaccine does not stop you from living your life. A mask may be useless but it dies not stop you from living your life. All of the other nonsense we endured for over a year most certainly did. Kids who never got their junior prom, never played their final season of sports, never got a formal graduation. How is this living your life to the fullest? They will never get these milestones back. So I again agree, don�t be ridiculous. Can�t have it both ways. Either live your life or hide from it. At least be honest about it. You can refute points I never made. It�s much harder to refute the points I�m actually making. As you suggest, I�ve chosen to live my life to the fullest, lab made virus accident or not.
None of the events you described are safe at the moment without masks and vaccines. Period.
And many outbreaks last winter were due to family gatherings for holidays. Just saying �wah, wah, wah I�m missing out on things� is not an appropriate response to a pandemic that is deadly . Yes, pandemics are terrible and disruptive. We all need to be doing everything we can to stop the spread. I�m shocked at the lack of concern for the health of others being expressed.
This delta variant is as contagious as chickenpox, and more contagious that SARS, Ebola, Spanish flu and smallpox. Only measles (the most contagious virus known to man) is more contagious. This means we must return to universal mask wearing and social distancing to get it back under control. And that means we need a higher percentage of the population vaccinated in order to reach herd immunity.
Someone else said it better than I can: (From Steven Charleston)
To mask or not to mask: there is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind to protect others from an unseen fate that will steal the lives of their loved ones away, or cast off the covering to show a defiance that we imagine makes us seem stronger, stronger even than death. To sleep, to dream, waking up each day in an unreal world where science is suspect and mercy is inconvenient, the exhaustion of uncertainty numbs the heart and shadows the path of reason. Future generations will one day wonder how we lost our way. To mask or not to mask: it is such a simple question with such a clear answer. If I knew I could save even a single life, I would gladly wear a mask every single day. What else would love have me do?
He�s retired Episcopal bishop of Alaska and a Native American elder btw
For those who are actually interested in the science and facts about this Delta outbreak, I highly recommend the blog posts of Your Local Epidemiologist. She does a great job of breaking down the current news and facts on the virus.
The recalcitrance around mask wearing here as things ramp up with a 15 fold increase in new cases is maddening. The County guidelines say children are required to wear masks in school or childcare settings but the music school where my friend teaches is running an indoor camp this week with kids and no masks. My friend has decided to switch back to teaching lessons online for the time being since her (un-vaccinated) employer is not following the guidelines. She doesn't want to be the vehicle to spread the virus from one family to another.
CMM is struggling with the side effects of this new chemo - the nausea has been very bad and he's not been keeping much food down. I think he will have to ask his oncologist to lower the dose this week. When you all talk about the in-between times, that's a bit how I feel now. The right now is indefinite, but the end will definitely come - just that it could be next month or next year. So I stand in the nebulous present. I can't really plan too much for the future when I don't know how long my stay in this nebulous present will be, so I just float along in the todays.
Well CMM finally had one day where his nausea was controllable and he kept down his dinner last night, thank god. He gets bloodwork done today and we see his oncologist Friday. Here's hoping his bone marrow is holding up ok with this new chemo drug.
kml, a surprise share popped up from a Facebook friend--"The vaccinated ARE the delta strain." I don't get it?! Besides vaxing my family, wearing a mask, social distancing AND not being ashamed to say so I've been neutral as to how others behave. It's gotten so political.
REALLY glad CMM was able to enjoy dinner! It's those things that really matter.
{{{{{kml}}}}} yeah, not fun, the caretaker's role. very much 'the in between time' ... i'm sorry honey. i'm sure you've tried turkey tails tea to help with the nausea?
Just an insight today about the perennial topic of dating while separated. (Note: I DID date while separated, but was quite sure at that point I'd never take my H back if handed to me on a silver platter).
An article I read today reminded me of this, and my sister experienced this. It was a financial advice column, and the writer was talking about not wanting to leave her house to her boyfriend in her will (bought when they were together but in her name only as he had bad credit, low income, and owed alimony to his ex). She wanted to leave the house to her son, with the requirement that her boyfriend be allowed to live in it until he died - the reason being, she didn't want his daughters to inherit anything. And the reason for THAT was, she had started dating the boyfriend while he was separated, and the girls hate her because they think she broke up the marriage (as in, the parents would have reconciled if she hadn't gotten involved).
This was my sister's situation too. After her divorce from her cheating sociopathic exH, she began dating a guy who was separated. His wife had cheated on him too. (Well, basically she announced she wanted to go date other people, and he wasn't down for that!).
My sister went on to marry this man, and had a good marriage for a long time with her second husband until he died of sepsis two years ago. But his daughter from his previous marriage never warmed to my sister (even though my sister is a generous people-pleaser who really did everything possible to be a good step-parent). The main reason she never warmed to her was that HER mother told her that she would have gotten back together with her father if he hadn't gotten with my sister.
Now - it's not true that he would have taken his ex back and it was definitely his ex's choice that the marriage broke up. But because her mother planted these seeds in her daughter's mind, my sister was never able to have a really successful relationship with her step-daughter, and since his death, the stepdaughter has cut her out of her life.
Honestly, my sister realizes that she is probably better off without the stepdaughter, as she is a selfish and self-involved person anyway. And my sister, good soul that she is, is still including the step-daughter in her will. But it's a cautionary tale about what can happen if dating someone separated not divorced.
kml, wow! I haven't personally experienced that, so it never crossed my mind as a possibility. Thanks for sharing. It's something to consider with her and other single parents. Oddly, only one of my Bumble dates was a single parent. (:
Yeah - just something to be aware of.
Well CMM’s appointment with his oncologist was today. His blood count showed his platelets have dropped to 48k, and in light of that and his severe side effects, they’re taking him off his oral chemo for a week and putting him on some steroids.
Hopefully his platelets will come up and he can go back on the chemo at a lower dose.
Costco online has a great sale on Danskin exercise shorts - $15 for two! - so I stocked up. I have hardly bought any clothes since I cleaned out my closet during the first lockdown, but these were needed. And someday when the pandemic calms down I’ll be able to get back to my gym. Meanwhile I’m just wearing them around the house.
My niece saw a patient. He and his wife went to Vegas. They brought home Covid. Wife was vaccinated, husband was not. Wife is home with mild symptoms. Husband is in the hospital doing poorly but there’s no ECMO available to him (all being used), he’s probably going to die.
Don’t let down your guard, peeps. And get vaccinated.
kml, sorry to hear this. It must be hard on the wife, who believed vax'ing was the right way to go, but wasn't able to convince her husband? My XW got her 1st vax shot a week ago! I feel blessed to have an ex who was open to reading statistics on covid vs. side effects vs. adverse effects and ultimately is taking the shots to make the children that much sager. (:
It was a financial advice column, and the writer was talking about not wanting to leave her house to her boyfriend in her will (bought when they were together but in her name only as he had bad credit, low income, and owed alimony to his ex). She wanted to leave the house to her son, with the requirement that her boyfriend be allowed to live in it until he died - the reason being, she didn't want his daughters to inherit anything. And the reason for THAT was, she had started dating the boyfriend while he was separated, and the girls hate her because they think she broke up the marriage (as in, the parents would have reconciled if she hadn't gotten involved).
This has been something I've struggled with - and gotten whacked at a bit here about.
If you form a new partnership, what are the limits of that? Do you fully integrate or do you keep boundaries? A colleague of mine had a tough time when her partner died because his kids wanted her out of the house she'd shared with him for decades.
One thing I've heard of that certainly bears investigation is charging your spouse rent while maintaining ownership of what is in essence the "marital home". Not sure legally where that falls. The marital home has special status under the law at least up here.
But it's a cautionary tale about what can happen if dating someone separated not divorced.
I certainly can agree with this.
The first woman I dated seriously "B" was separated and had been for several years. She told me that it was because both names were on the mortgage and that her ex wouldn't qualify for a new one - he was phenomenally bad with money - that they stayed married for that reason. They had been separated for several years, were dating other people and had not co-habitated in at least a few years. She did go up and stay in the guest room (no real reason to doubt this) from time to time to visit friends and go berry picking.
Soon after we split (she ended it) she was spotted around and about with her ex and I did find out that she moved back in with him "to take care of him because he'd gotten sick". Again - no reason to doubt this, but no reason to believe it either.
The second woman "S" had been split for I believe 7 years or so and always had vague answers about why she wasn't divorced. Even when I offered to front the money - which was one of her excuses - nothing was done. In hindsight I think she was and perhaps still is keeping him partially on the hook as a backup plan. Medical insurance was also a factor.
One of my cousins is separated from her abusive husband and is terrified of provoking him by asking for a divorce. She's been with her current partner for 6 or 7 years.
A neighbour just can't see the reason to bother getting a slip of paper and has been on her own for at least 15 years.
Some I think are eager to get into the dating world and get a new partner - so lots of reasons. But certainly a waving red flag.
If you form a new partnership, what are the limits of that?
At this age (40s/50s), I think we have to be flexible. My D is 16. I'm not going to introduce a step-parent or move. My S is 12. I could go either way. The women I'm seeing Sat/Sun both own homes free and clear--I'd probably prenup those as theirs.
But certainly a waving red flag.
I don't see all those situations as red flags--reasons to immediately discard them?
A neighbour just can't see the reason to bother getting a slip of paper and has been on her own for at least 15 years.
No flag.
he told me that it was because both names were on the mortgage and that her ex wouldn't qualify for a new one - he was phenomenally bad with money
Yellow flag. She's still attached enough to her ex to make decisions based on him. I'd give her a chance if she were working through her co-dependence.
One of my cousins is separated from her abusive husband and is terrified of provoking him by asking for a divorce. She's been with her current partner for 6 or 7 years.
Yellow flag. She's still attached enough to her ex to make decisions based on him. I'd give her a chance if she were working through her fears.
had vague answers about why she wasn't divorced.
Red flag. Seriously? She married and doesn't know why?!
Hey moderators - Job? - I can access the forums still through my phone but when I try to log in on my computer it times out. Might want to investigate that glitch.
Cadet and I both have had that problem this morning. Virginia is aware of it.
I believe that what is mine should go to my direct descendants, not a partner.
I believe that at our age, potential partners should have enough going on so that they don't need my assets.
I do not believe in bypassing my son or potential grandkids for some new person. I've seen what step parents can do to assets and families first hand with my dad's family. Not letting that happen here.
Hey moderators - Job? - I can access the forums still through my phone but when I try to log in on my computer it times out. Might want to investigate that glitch.
I have been having this problem for nearly a week but on both phone and computer. Today is the first day I've actually been able to log in and comment. Last week my ability to do so was very hit or miss and mostly miss as about 99.9% of attempts to log in timed out.
But yay....I'm in now so I'm going to comment up a storm while I have the chance. LOL
Hey moderators - Job? - I can access the forums still through my phone but when I try to log in on my computer it times out. Might want to investigate that glitch.
I have been having this problem for nearly a week but on both phone and computer. Today is the first day I've actually been able to log in and comment. Last week my ability to do so was very hit or miss and mostly miss as about 99.9% of attempts to log in timed out.
But yay....I'm in now so I'm going to comment up a storm while I have the chance. LOL
The update is FINALLY complete - hopefully the problems are behind us, oh and we have a new "LIKE" button.
Well CMM has had his Covid booster shot! The timing has been great since he'd been off his chemo for a week due to low platelets, and although they are coming up, they're not high enough to go back on chemo this week, so it was kind of the ideal window to get the booster. (His previous two shots were during heavy duty chemo and he doesn't test positive for the antibodies, so he's the ideal candidate for the booster shot.) Hopefully his immune system will mount a better immune response this time.
kml, with you as a partner, CMM is definitely up on his vaccinations, lol. Glad he's having a good week. Low platelets isn't awesome, but no "coming up" and a week without chemo sounds nice.
Hi kml, I had some questions for you but could not login for a long time.
So hopefully I’m not too direct now, don’t have much time and therefore pretty straightforward, my apologies.
Your EXH has narcistic behavior (or is an actual narcist in all the meaning of the word) as I could understand, and on top of that he had MLC.
When you decided to not take him back, did he ever tried to come back then?
Do you think his MLC is over now?
My ex had an affair about 16 years into our marriage. I DB'd like mad and we reconciled, and I would have said our marriage was really good for several years. Our kids were teens/preteens at the time.
However once he started to approach 50 he went off the rails again and we divorced after 24 years. I think MLC was a major component (he always had a fear of death and dying and aging) but to be honest, I have since realized he's also a narcissist and was probably also unfaithful more than I knew in the relationship. He's never tried to come back once he finally left but I also wouldn't have him back on a silver platter. I have peace in my heart that I did everything possible to save my marriage, and that I was a good wife. His issues of being incapable of being satisfied even when he had a really great life are his issues, not mine. His behavior towards our adult children in the years after our divorce have confirmed to me his narcissism. And as much as I felt it was important to keep our marriage together while the kids were still home, they tell me now they were always waiting for the other shoe to drop after his affair.
As for whether he's still in MLC - I can't honestly say. He remarried to an Asian woman 19 years younger than him (surfer trophy wife in our community). He seemed to spend a lot of time socializing with her 30-something friends, going to their weddings, doing shots of liquor (which was so weird to see as I never really saw my ex drink more than two beers, and usually only one). He's gotten a tattoo and started wearing slightly more stylish clothes. Honestly it does look like he's really trying to appear young and hip enough to keep the young wife. Still, life has had some difficulties for them (her parents died, his father got lung cancer, his mother's husband died and she has parkinson's, ex had to have back surgery the day he retired and had terrible nerve pain for quite some time after requiring a second unsuccessful surgery, and also had to have shoulder surgery). I don't wish her any ill, she wasn't an affair partner (thank god) and she's got the older, balder, creepier version of the guy I was married to.
I'm happy for my kids' sake that he's married and stable, not dating a new person every month like some. She is nice enough to my kids and they don't mind her. I hope she will care for him in his old age so my kids don't have to.
Honestly, once I truly let go, I soon found it was so NICE not walking on eggshells around him all the time and having to be responsible for his happiness.
My ex had an affair about 16 years into our marriage. I DB'd like mad and we reconciled, and I would have said our marriage was really good for several years. Our kids were teens/preteens at the time.
However once he started to approach 50 he went off the rails again and we divorced after 24 years. I think MLC was a major component (he always had a fear of death and dying and aging) but to be honest, I have since realized he's also a narcissist and was probably also unfaithful more than I knew in the relationship....
It's so crazy how similar our stories are. Mine did this too...we reconciled in 2007, remarried and then 2nd BD in 2017. He was 43 when it started again, most likely MLC, I started seeing changes in him in 2016 and he said I was crazy.
I have peace in my heart that I did everything possible to save my marriage, and that I was a good wife. His issues of being incapable of being satisfied even when he had a really great life are his issues, not mine. His behavior towards our adult children in the years after our divorce have confirmed to me his narcissism. And as much as I felt it was important to keep our marriage together while the kids were still home, they tell me now they were always waiting for the other shoe to drop after his affair.
YES!! Their issues not yours! (or mine). My adult kids are all seeing it for themselves and slowly began talking about all the stuff they saw while XH and I were together.
......she's got the older, balder, creepier version of the guy I was married to.
Same.
Honestly, once I truly let go, I soon found it was so NICE not walking on eggshells around him all the time and having to be responsible for his happiness.
I have said this too. I realized when I went to a party for the first time without him, I was so RELIEVED not to have to wonder which girl he would be inappropriate with. Gross.
Re: my ex, and gaslighting:
Was cleaning out my inbox last week. I started with the oldest emails and those include emails from just before and during our divorce. I read a few of them and boy, was my ex the king of gaslighting. Honestly, if an outsider read them, they would think “oh, what a thoughtful guy, he’s being so nice about everything”. But knowing him and how he works, it’s all for show. Plausible deniability. Sticking the knife in your back while convincing the rest of the world that he’s such a nice guy. Ugh. It was a good reminder. Thankfully, right now there’s zero reason for him to contact me or vice versa, which is how I like it.
When I last went through my emails with XH during our property settlement negotiations it occurred to me that he was behaving like the wronged party. If I didn't know better I'd have sworn he was coming from a place of pain and rage at perceived injustices inflicted by a WAS.
It's pretty amazing when the gaslighting burns so bright they end up believing their own lies.
Well, CMM is having a bit of a rough time of it. Ever since this last round of radiation treatment he has had to be back on oxygen, and his ability to do without it for even a short while (like trips to the bathroom) is decreasing rapidly. He did start back on the oral cancer drug at a lower dose yesterday so maybe that will help, but if it doesn't, there really isn't any other treatment option for his type of cancer. So this may be the beginning of the downward spiral. Despite being 3 years into stage 4 lung cancer, this is really the first time that breathing has been any kind of struggle. I don't know if the last round of radiation just affected too much of his remaining lung tissue, or maybe his pleural effusion has grown for some reason (it's been stable all this time) or maybe the tumors themselves have just had a growth spurt despite the new treatments.
I've tried to convince him that we could move into the downstairs bedroom as climbing the stairs is getting a bit difficult for him, but he refuses. (To be fair, the downstairs bedroom is small, and he has all his things around him in the upstairs bedroom). If he continues to go downhill I may have to restrict my time seeing patients to mornings only. My oldest son who lives with me works graveyards so he could tend to him in the mornings and I could take over in the afternoons before my son goes to sleep.
Hoping the new drug (Mektovi) can be tolerated at a lower dose and buys him some more time and relief from these symptoms.
i'm sorry to read this K ... sending you and cmm hugs xoxoxo
((CMM)) - it's going to be hard on him if he's losing mobility because of poor oxygen levels. The "I think I can" only works for little blue engines with enough coal in the box.
kml, I'm sorry to hear this turn. Also sending you and cmm hugs and prayers that the new drug at a low dosage clears up his breathing and improves his mobility. Helping every day sounds like quite a load for you and your son. I hope you can find outside help at least 1x/week.
((((kml)))) I'm so sorry. I wish I had words that would help. CMM is blessed to have you for a caregiver.
KML, you are such a kind person. I'm very sorry to hear this. I watched my dad die from esophageal cancer and it was so very difficult. I'm sure your skills as a clinician make it both better and worse, you know what is happening, but you know what is coming. He is very lucky to have you. I hope that you are able to maintain the parts of your life that make you whole while tending to him at this time.
Thanks everybody. CMM doesn’t need that kind of care yet - he’s still able to do for himself. (Although his two hour kitchen cleaning and cooking marathons every night are behind him, I think. I’ll be doing more batch cooking on the weekends.)
I can see it coming though if this Mektovi doesn’t start to slow the tumors. I’ve been prepared for this eventuality for a long time though.
kml, you are an unbelievably strong woman, the way you deal with this, respect!
When you get the surf report from your local public radio station: “ the surf has a desultory feel to it …… rather languid…”. Lolol
Yeah I spit out my toothpaste when I heard the report, I was cracking up!
Kml, can you explain me, when dit you found out when you were finally done with it?
How did that feel, can you explain me a bit the process of how this went?
In my case, it was a “three strikes” thing. See, my ex had slept with an old girlfriend the night before we were married - something that caused drama in the first year of our marriage but that I forgave him for and we moved past. Then he had an affair 17 years into our marriage - I found DB, worked hard on our marriage and myself, and we reconciled. We actually had several good years. Then 7 years later he had two concussions, asked for a divorce, and left after a few months. By that time I felt I had done everything possible to save my marriage, and that after three times, there would be NOTHING he could say or do that would ever cause me to trust him again. The day he filed the divorce papers I was done.
I actually wish now that I’d divorced him when he’d had the previous affair. I’d thought I was reconciling for the kids sake as well as for myself, but my kids told me much later that they were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think it was just as much stress for them as if we had split then. ( And my ex had never moved out of the house, and his affair only lasted 2-3 months).
My mantra at the time was “let go or be dragged”.
And I’ve come to recognize since my divorce that my ex is a narcissist. My life is so much better not having to walk on eggshells around him, trying to keep him happy. I wish I had not wasted so many years on him.
Well, my oldest son, who lives with me, has finally been exposed to Covid. A coworker at the grocery store has Covid. Luckily my son’s contact with them isn’t a lot but he has to go get tested today.
Good guy that he is, he’s already planned out how to avoid possibly exposing us. Because he works night shift we don’t cross paths much anyway, but he’ll mask when he’s outside his room, eat outside, avoid the kitchen, decontaminate surfaces. Luckily he had the Moderna vaccine which turns out to have a lower breakthrough infection rate than Pfizer. He’s really quite considerate of CMM.
wow. keep us posted. hope he is ok! xo
kml, sorry to hear about your son's exposure. I will assume he'll be fine given it was a short exposure and he had Moderna, but it's always a bit worrying when it's your own kids. Glad he's being so aware and considerate. You raised him to be non-narcissistic despite your ex!
Yes, thank goodness my kids are all sweet souls. This one especially. He should be fine unless one of his closer coworkers has contracted it already and exposed him - the identified case works in the deli of the grocery store and he works stocking shelves, so they would only have fairly fleeting contacts in the break room and at the time cards. And he's pretty good about wearing his mask when other people are close. He's already gone to get his test.
But I was very proud of him, he had already figured out the steps to protect us in the house while he waits for his results. It's actually surprising that this is the first time he's had to get tested, even though he's worked all through the pandemic. And I'm sure glad that CMM got his booster shot two weeks ago.
Yay - son tested negative for Covid
Yay! Negative for COVID and VOVID.
