Just wondering if anyone wants to chat about post divorce from the man's perspective. The breakup of my marriage and divorce like most here was initiated by my wife. Naturally she got the lion's share of the assets and custody of our son but who's counting.
I am fascinated by my experiences in the last six years. Not sure how unique my story is but I did battle cancer, divorce and a career change at the same moment. At this point my survival is very likely and I am very focused on my health and my body. I work out as many as five days a week and at fifty-four years old I am as strong as I have ever been.
Dating: What a crazy world we live in. It has never been easier to find potential dates but I am not sure of many of our options. Dating sites are pretty much a cesspool of unhealthy and broken people. Few ever look like their profile pictures. The self evaluations and descriptions are often delusional. There are a limited number of jewels in that realm however. I find dating in the real world to be a little different. Probably much more honest. As I stated I have taken great care of myself and made solid financial choices. Women of all ages show interest. I have decided that raising another two year old is not a good fit for me. Yes a hot young lady is fun but I only get the part left over after she takes care of her kids, job, chores etc......Frankly few women post forties have taken care of themselves. We are all aging but obesity/sloth and bad hair are choices.
Anyway, what do you think? Want to compare notes?
From a woman’s point of view :
Sure, some people in this age group are still single because they’re broken. Almost everyone has baggage. You do too (acrimonious divorce, child, cancer history). Online dating is no better or worse a way to meet people. I liked it because A) I could meet a lot more available people than I would in my offline life and B) I could prescreen them for certain obvious incompatibilities.
But it shouldn’t be called online dating but online meeting - you should move quickly to a no pressure coffee date before investing too much time online.
I too was not interested in dating someone who was still raising small children as mine were grown. I dated some very handsome men but handsome is as handsome does. Most men looked like their pictures (the ones using obviously much younger pics were easy to spot). Sense of humor and shared values are more important to me than looks. (Good in bed helps too!) Odds are you’re not aging quite as well as you think either - numerous studies show men have inflated ideas of their attractiveness. (OkCupid did studies in this). Many men who literally looked like Santa Claus contacted me.
I also had young men pursuing me but there’s no future in that. Most of the men I have dated since my divorce have been younger, but by 4-9 years. Only one was 2 years older. This was not deliberate.
There’s no guarantees in life. A woman could pick you for your apparent healthiness and you could die of a sudden heart attack. My current boyfriend was a nonsmoker who was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer three months after we started dating.
Also, my experience has been that none of the men I dated had their financial act together. Show me a man who lives within his means and has planned for retirement and I’ll be impressed. He doesn’t have to have a ton of money - rich people overspend and get in debt too. Just needs to have his act together. Apparently men my age who have their act together date younger?
When I was first divorced I would have said I was looking for a life partner. Not so sure now. Current boyfriend lives with me but honestly, if he wasn’t sick, I’d rather he had his own place. I enjoy being in a monogamous relationship but also like my space.
Take your time. Get to know your dates. Don’t get fooled by the flash - that woman desperately trying to look young and hot might not be self-confident or spiritual. And any adult woman your age who wants to leap into “love” is probably not the one you want either. Infatuation feels great but it’s not enough to build a life on by itself, and anyone over 40 should know that.
And learn from Andrew’s mistake, don’t let a hoarder move into your house! Watch for red flags. It takes time to know someone.
Thank you for your perspective. I have often wondered what it looks like from the other side of online dating. There is constant scamming from profiles of twenty-one year olds with pouty lips and huge breasts who just happen to love older men. Pretty easy to spot. It is harder when they are age appropriate. Typically the scammer has a specific look and an unfinished profile.
I get your sentiment that a life partner is less important than it used to be. I remember my therapist advising that I wait a year before dating and thinking she was nuts. Very wise words at this point. True also that most people's finances are a disaster. A part of the problem in my marriage was my unwillingness to compromise on financial choices. I wouldn't let her use a credit card and insisted on living within our means. It was a constant fight over vacationing and eating at expensive restaurants.
I am sorry to hear that your boyfriend has lung cancer. I can attest that we live in a miracle age of medicine and anything is possible. You also deserve a ton of respect for hanging in there at this point knowing how hard it can be. Praying for him.
Thank you. He’s already almost 3 years post his diagnosis, and although a miracle cure is unlikely at this point, he’s gone way past the expected six month median survival and still has decent quality of life. It sure makes you appreciate every day.
Btw - I handled all the finances in my long marriage, my ex wasn’t a spendthrift exactly but I would have prioritized some things differently. I’m grateful though that I had the financial reins as he is an impulsive spender. I’ve been able to help our adult kids in ways that he won’t, even though his income is double mine. My retirement will be adequate, thanks in part to my keeping daily expenses in reasonable limits and avoiding credit card debt throughout our marriage.
I have to say, even though my income is less in divorce, I find it much more comfortable to budget without the unexpected - like the time my ex came home with two acoustic guitars for a total of $5500 without discussing it. Mind you, he had a decent Taylor, and I wouldn’t have even had a problem with ONE $3,000 guitar, but for a guy who knew how to strum a dozen Neil Young songs, this was excessive! And the kind of purchase one should at least have discussed.
So I can feel you guys who were married to child-women who were financially irresponsible. There’s a certain type of woman who just wants big daddy to provide and doesn’t understand math or financial responsibility. (Not saying there aren’t men like that too, but it seems to be more commonly a woman thing).
Lol! A dozen Neil Young songs! I can do a couple of his. I would love to have a nice acoustic Taylor. My grandmother gave me a couple of nice Gibsons.
It is pretty well documented that finances are a big point of contention in marriages. I fought so hard because I had grown up very poor. My ex had grown up on the opposite end of the spectrum and had no interest in financial peace. We made more money than anyone I knew but it was incredibly difficult to hold onto. I did manage to pay off our residence and a few other income producing assets but not without bloodshed......At this point I live comfortably.
Your last statement about ladies who are looking for daddy is pretty accurate. Not all but most.
I don’t know if it’s most - but there’s definitely a subset of the culture out there where such an attitude persists. Not in my roots, but some.
I got the best revenge by living well. My exH thought he was the “musician” in the family, but when he finally left in a MLC blaze of glory, I took up playing the drums. I played in an amateur pop-punk band for several years, and started playing glockenspiel, vibraphone and snare h go if my feet friend who is a professional singer- songwriter. I’ve toured with her several times, played on her last album, and a year before the pandemic, played with her in Central Park in a tribute to Greenwich Village musicians. We played in front of about 5,000 people, with John Sebastian, Jose Feliciano, Melanie , Marshall Crenshaw, Maria Muldaur and many other big names.
Wow, kml—a doctor, saved lives outside your practice, climbed Whitney, and part of a popular punk rock band. You live your life to the fullest. Always something more. It’s inspiring.
When my marriage fell apart, I felt like the worst thing had already happened - so nothing else scared me! And I didn’t have my ex’s negativity to hold me back.
Naturally she got the lion's share of the assets and custody of our son but who's counting.
Actually what is most common is you split the assets and custody evenly (50/50). You must have had a bad lawyer.
Not sure how unique my story is but I did battle cancer, divorce and a career change at the same moment.
Life sure isn't all sunshine and rainbows.
At this point my survival is very likely and I am very focused on my health and my body. I work out as many as five days a week and at fifty-four years old I am as strong as I have ever been.
Glad you are doing well! Cancer sure is a MFer! That's great that you take care of your heakth & body.
Dating: What a crazy world we live in. It has never been easier to find potential dates but I am not sure of many of our options.
I agree there are many different ways to meet people these days.
Dating sites are pretty much a cesspool of unhealthy and broken people.
They key is to be able to identify the broken unhealthy ones.
Few ever look like their profile pictures.
This I tend to agree with and have a tough time understanding the logic behind it.
The self evaluations and descriptions are often delusional.
This I don't completely agree with but think what they are looking for is more delusional.
There are a limited number of jewels in that realm however.
That's why jewels are so precious.
I find dating in the real world to be a little different. Probably much more honest.
What do you mean?
As I stated I have taken great care of myself and made solid financial choices. Women of all ages show interest.
It's good to be a man with options.
I have decided that raising another two year old is not a good fit for me.
Perfectly understandable
Yes a hot young lady is fun but I only get the part left over after she takes care of her kids, job, chores etc......
Sounds like you may not have a full life. A young, hot, fun lady lady a couple days a week sounds perfect to me.
Frankly few women post forties have taken care of themselves.
I do not agree with this at all. In fact in my inner circle the women are in way better shape then the men.
We are all aging but obesity/sloth and bad hair are choices.
So is swiping left on people you are not attracted to. Dude this comment is offensive and totally unnecessary.
Hi Shotgun,
Sure. I didn't read kml's or LH's response because I wanted this to begin with 100% my perspective.
Naturally she got the lion's share of the assets and custody of our son but who's counting.
From a dating perspective, knowing courts grant 50/50 to anyone who asks unless there are glaring reasons not to, a yellow flag goes up whenever a potential date has less than 50/50 custody.
Not sure how unique my story is but I did battle cancer, divorce and a career change at the same moment.
That's a ton to deal with. I only had 2 of 3, and it was quite the change!
at fifty-four years old I am as strong as I have ever been.
Yay!
Dating sites are pretty much a cesspool of unhealthy and broken people.
"Cesspool" seems a bit strong. Statistically, only 20% of singles over 40 have a secure attachment style so yes you will have to go on 5-10 dates to find an emotionally healthy partner.
Few ever look like their profile pictures.
My experience--2011-2017--most women were 15# heavier and most men were 2" shorter than claimed (or so my dates said). Exaggeration was common. Gross lies were uncommon. If you're in-demand you can compensate by only dating people who are a step up from your "minimum". That may be wise, anyway, if you want a life partner you keep even if they gain 30# and stretch marks.
The self evaluations and descriptions are often delusional.
Delusional?! You sound bitter, shotgun. My BMI is 25-30--I could either describe that as "Average" (the median for my age) or "Overweight" (BMI 25-30). I know which word I'd choose if I had to choose one for my dating profile.
I find dating in the real world to be a little different. Probably much more honest.
Well, when I ask someone out online I know to a degree whether we are compatible when it comes to age, goals, kids, jobs, politics, exercise, travel, drugs, etc.. Offline, I know if I'm attracted. (:
Women of all ages show interest.
That could be creepy!
I have decided that raising another two year old is not a good fit for me. Yes a hot young lady is fun but I only get the part left over after she takes care of her kids, job, chores etc.
I have my own life and they only get me after mine, too! Unless they want to share in my chores. Attn dating site ladies--if you like to garden, have at my rose bushes or lawn. Note, this offer stands even if we don't date.
.....Frankly few women post forties have taken care of themselves. We are all aging but obesity
According to a 2012 CDC Study, 38.3% of women and 38.1% of men 45-54 are obese. So, roughly 2/3rds of women are NOT obese, but the odds are very slightly against you. Now, if you're looking for fit partners, good news for you shotgun. Only 20% of men in that demographic were at a healthy weight, whereas 27.3% of women were. The odds are ever in your favor.
/sloth and bad hair are choices.
Prioritizations. I just matched with someone who keeps a neat house but went nowhere this past year. Boring. I went on probably 20 trips but my house is a mess. Note to self: Go clean my car!!
I didn't mean to be offensive. Just commenting on the crazy nature of dating after divorce. Specifically from the male perspective. It was certainly an eye opener to walk into single life after having been out of it for seventeen years. It is my observation that dating is the same except that there is now an industry devoted to it. It really is like a thousand blind dates.
I have found however that it is good to be a healthy man who has taken care of himself and made mostly good choices. Both can be challenges in the Western world.
Was anyone offended? LH and I are also coming from the male perspective. (:
I didn't mean to be offensive.
SG you did not offend me personally but I think you made some comments that some people may find offensive. You are lucky my friend Ginger doesn't post anymore.
So I love talking about this stuff. What have been your experiences with OLD? In six years have you had any relationships? I am finding it difficult to find a connection too. How is your EXW doing? Remarried? Happy?
I am finding it difficult to find a connection too.
LH, you were dating one lady for several months. Any ideas what's holding you back from a deeper connection? Anyone I recall dating for over 3 months was as hooked on me as I was them.
Kml is absolutely my mentor through BD and post D ... although she's far more daring. I'm gonna weigh in on my pov in the six years since my village was nuked by my exh and his MLC ...
I've had a total of 2 dates --- if you can call them that -- both coffee meet ups. The first guy, yeah, just not into it ... although being cautious I did a very cursory internet search and found out he was on the verge of losing his house to foreclosure. It's amazing in the immediate aftermath of my D how many guys gave me the impression that they thought I had a big payday and would be willing to share. One stated outright, "So, you must have a really healthy bank account!" Um, my bank account and any resources I have are for me and my family, which does not include any new guy. I see no need to combine finances with any future partner.
Guy #2, OLD guy. He was a really nice guy. We talked for a couple hours, had a lot in common, but ... poor dude had a mentally unstable exw complete with restraining orders because she was also violent. He was quite financially sound and responsible, but the exw, coupled with the faint physical resemblance to my exh scared me off.
I've been heavily pursued by a guy 10 years my junior who comes and goes. While I find him very attractive physically, our values are completely different and we would end up in a messy situation. It's one of those things you can see coming a mile away, so again, no. thanks. i dipped a toe into OLD for a brief time. Met the one guy with the crazy violent ex, there was another who was way too needy and playing games within 24 hours of connecting. Imagine what that would be like after two or three dates. Yikes. So many creepy people out there, or desperate people, or needy people, or people who I just don't connect with. Maybe at the time I wasn't ready. For the record, I'm still not ready. There was one nice guy whose daughter set up his profile and insisted he try OLD. Since someone had done the same to me, we had that in common and had a good laugh about it and nice conversation. He asked if he could continue talking to me the next day and was I going to disappear. I said no, was going to be on the site until the end of the month. He was gone the next day. He seemed the most interesting of the options available. There was the guy who just got out of treatment for major depression. The guy who had every label known to man. It's a cesspool, with a few nice people thrown in.
IRL there was the guy who straight up told me he had daddy issues and was into the 50 shades world... TMI in the first few hours of meeting someone. Not a prude, just selective. The guy I've known for years who suddenly started sending me pornographic memes as soon as he found out I was single ... some of these guys were my son's coaches. The ass grab in front of my boy before my husband had even BD'd ... The assumption that 5 minutes after your husband leaves you'll be so desperate for sex and attention that you'll fall for the BS lines.
Yeah. That's the view from my side of the street.
I choose to opt out for now.
I am finding it difficult to find a connection too.
LH, you were dating one lady for several months. Any ideas what's holding you back from a deeper connection? Anyone I recall dating for over 3 months was as hooked on me as I was them.
So the last girl I dated for approximately 4 months and we were building something until she got a call from an old BF and wanted to rethink things.
Wow, Butterfly, you're scaring me. I dipped my toe in this weekend and 4 women are messaging me! Now I wonder which has a violent ex, which is the stalker, which will ghost me--and who's the normal one? lol.
Seriously, though, four years ago I went on like over a dozen online dates and none were so bad. The worst made fun stories. Ms Polyamory, for example. I wonder if something has fundamentally changed or the cesspool bit is an area-by-area thing. If my dates turn out to be crazy, I'll just return to offline dating.
LH19 thank you for your comments. I was hoping there would be others interested in the topic. As far as relationships, I haven't fallen in love. I have met many ladies in six years. Most of them were single. There are those who are in a relationship who are willing to do the absurd. Thankfully I have managed to avoid that trap. I do find that the odds tilt in men's favor as we age. Numerically we have an advantage with older ladies and having one's life in relative order draws attention. Part of my intent here is to encourage men. I cannot speak from the women's perspective but hope that everyone finds peace.
My ex? I have no idea what her life is like. She had a man on the side during the marriage but I don't know if they are still an item. Ultimately she did me a favor by ending the marriage. Something that I would have never done. At this point I am kind of living like a teenager. At least doing the things I should have been as a young man when it comes to dating. Meeting women. Going on dates. Keeping an open mind and keeping my expectations low.
As far as relationships, I haven't fallen in love. I have met many ladies in six years. Most of them were single.
So why do you think you haven't found the one? Statistically speaking men are more likely to remarry then women.
There are those who are in a relationship who are willing to do the absurd.
I know exactly what you are talking about.
My ex? I have no idea what her life is like. .
You don't speak at all?
Wow, Butterfly, you're scaring me. I dipped my toe in this weekend and 4 women are messaging me! Now I wonder which has a violent ex, which is the stalker, which will ghost me--and who's the normal one? lol.
your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to id the crazy one in the room ASAP and make sure it isn't you!
Was anyone offended? LH and I are also coming from the male perspective. (:
yeah. it was a bit offensive.
Seriously, though, four years ago I went on like over a dozen online dates and none were so bad. The worst made fun stories. Ms Polyamory, for example. I wonder if something has fundamentally changed or the cesspool bit is an area-by-area thing. If my dates turn out to be crazy, I'll just return to offline dating.
seriously it's an individual thing and i did bring a strong sense of humor to the table - otherwise, yikes~
but i also have to say that I have a whole lot going on right now with my son and my mom, so there is no time to devote to the dating aspect of life. I'm sure that will come in time. I'm equally sure I'm not interested in anyone looking for either a purse or a nurse.
LH19 I am not sure I have been looking for the one. I am having a second childhood of sorts and I haven't given a lot of thought to settling down. As I said earlier, I thought that I would dive right back into another deep relationship but heeded the wise words of my therapist about proceeding cautiously. I definitely have not closed the door to a long term relationship but it really isn't that important to me right now. The process my wife introduced me to has been eye opening and I could write a book on what I have learned about women. There are plenty of people who write about this so I won't do it. Bottom line is a lot of what Michele says is true about relationships. There was a lady who posted tons of information that I have found to be more true. I'll go back and see if she is still here. Her thoughts were that men needed to be more firm with their women. At least in my experience this is true. If you are falling all over yourself to please them you are making a mistake.
As for my ex I don't speak to her. I spent fifteen years talking her off of the ledge and thank God I don't have to do that anymore. She "fired me as her husband" and that is no longer my job. I simply rarely ever think of her.
Her thoughts were that men needed to be more firm with their women. At least in my experience this is true. If you are falling all over yourself to please them you are making a mistake.
Umm...no. This is not a man-woman thing, and if you think you need to be "firm" with a wife like she's a child - nope. Big nope!
That being said - bending ourselves into pretzels to try to please a partner is generally not helpful. They actually have more respect for us if we stand up for ourselves. I was probably too accommodating in my marriage, because I'm easygoing and my ex was high-maintenance. I didn't expect enough from my ex in the relationship. In my dating life, it appears, the less interested I am, the more interested a guy is. Everybody wants to "win" their partner. I let my ex win too easily.
LH19 I am not sure I have been looking for the one. I am having a second childhood of sorts and I haven't given a lot of thought to settling down. As I said earlier, I thought that I would dive right back into another deep relationship but heeded the wise words of my therapist about proceeding cautiously. I definitely have not closed the door to a long term relationship but it really isn't that important to me right now. The process my wife introduced me to has been eye opening and I could write a book on what I have learned about women. There are plenty of people who write about this so I won't do it. Bottom line is a lot of what Michele says is true about relationships. There was a lady who posted tons of information that I have found to be more true. I'll go back and see if she is still here. Her thoughts were that men needed to be more firm with their women. At least in my experience this is true. If you are falling all over yourself to please them you are making a mistake.
As for my ex I don't speak to her. I spent fifteen years talking her off of the ledge and thank God I don't have to do that anymore. She "fired me as her husband" and that is no longer my job. I simply rarely ever think of her.
You’re talking about Sandi. She posts all the time how men need to be more firm.
Sounds like you are doing well though I sense a hint of bitterness in your writing.
kml, my intention is to speak from my own perspective as a man. Primarily when it comes to dating post divorce. No doubt much of this applies to both men and women. I can't remember how Michele describes it; a teeter totter or something.....Pulling away causes the other person to draw nearer.
LH19, could be Sandi. Perhaps I am bitter. I don't do an incredible amount of self diagnosis. I am simply making observations and attempting to learn. Repeating but very focused on my physical and emotional health and making financial choices that will afford me leisure time in my later years. Marveling at the nutty world of dating at fifty-four years old!
Originally Posted by shotgun
The self evaluations and descriptions are often delusional.
Do agree with this one, reading a lot of female profiles! i am finding that a lot of the woman are living in Fantasy land and expecting a perfect man to whisk them off there feet! (knight in shining armour) even the shorter woman want 6 foot and above and athletic men (over 60 years old?)
kml, my intention is to speak from my own perspective as a man. Primarily when it comes to dating post divorce. No doubt much of this applies to both men and women. I can't remember how Michele describes it; a teeter totter or something.....Pulling away causes the other person to draw nearer.
Lol. You can tell it’s been awhile. MWD talks about how relationships are like see saws. Usually in the beginning the woman is trying to fix the relationship. When she is finally done and ready to leave then the man wants to fix the relationship. By then it’s too late.
The pull away and draw nearer is the “Pursuit and Distance Dynamic”.
If you haven’t already read “How to be a 3% man” by Corey Wayne
Originally Posted by shotgun
The self evaluations and descriptions are often delusional.
Do agree with this one, reading a lot of female profiles! i am finding that a lot of the woman are living in Fantasy land and expecting a perfect man to whisk them off there feet! (knight in shining armour) even the shorter woman want 6 foot and above and athletic men (over 60 years old?)
So Mark first off your Bob date was Dec 2020 so you are no where near ready to be on a dating site and that’s why it’s filled with broken people. You are not ready to date.
So I think most women are ok being alone so they are going to shoot for the stars. I have no issues with someone not willing to settle. That is why the key is to be happy being alone.
So Mark first off your Bob date was Dec 2020 so you are no where near ready to be on a dating site and that’s why it’s filled with broken people. You are not ready to date.
. [/quote]
LH i do agree i am not ready for dating yet! i am currently window shopping to see what type of ladies are out there!
any contact by women - are always told that i am willing to talk - but won't be dating for a long time!
my profile says exactly that.
"just because i am on a diet - doesn't mean i cannot look at the menu" just don't order
i am still working on me and getting my D through school
Well if you are on a dating site and you have in your profile “just willing to talk” what type of women are you going to attract. This is why dating apps are so difficult. If you want friends join a meet up group. Dating sites are for DATING!
LH19 yeah I read the book several years ago. Had a lot of brain fog at the time. Truthfully it all seems like a circus act at this point. Probably why I haven't seriously looked for a relationship. I have made a few friends in the process but that too is complicated.
Can you define circus act?
So I think most women are ok being alone so they are going to shoot for the stars. I have no issues with someone not willing to settle. That is why the key is to be happy being alone.
BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Say it again for the people in the back, LH.
I agree with kml that if anyone is saying men need to be more firm with women that is a big nope from me. I don't want a man who is a pushover, but I don't want a man "handling" me like I'm a little kid either. Talk to me as an adult and as your equal.
I agree with bttrfly that while what you might not have meant to be offensive in what you said, it came across that way. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely hard to offend, so I wasn't personally offended, but I still think it came across that way. I am a big woman and get called fat and all sorts of other stuff all the time and I have a thick skin and frankly, just don't give a rat's a$$ what others think, but not all heavier women feel that way. As far as women's posts being delusional on dating sites, honey, that street totally runs both ways. I know you don't look at men's profiles, other than your own, but trust me, the men posting are just as delusional. Older, unfit men living in mama's basement wanting a 25 year old with a slim waist and huge boobs and the personality of bubble gum.
Interesting - I don’t recall putting those kinds of requests in my profile back when I was OLD. I do remember asking for a sense of humor and stating that “If you make me laugh so hard the beer squirts out my nose, I just might go home with you”. Otherwise I mostly described myself and my interests. Maybe that’s why I got so many responses.
Interesting that you think athletic men over 60 aren’t a thing. Here in So Cal there’s a lot of them. Not a priority for me as I’m not as athletic as I should be these days, but crazy ExBF is 61 now and still a total gym rat who people always mistook for a retired pro athlete. (We used to go to the gym together and he’d come to the window and wave and make goofy faces when I was in my water aerobics class, much to the delight of the old ladies in the class, as he was a very handsome man). Crazy ExBF is getting a hip replaced soon though.
I echo what KML said. There are a ton of older fit men where I live too. The one’s I avoid are the fanatics. I just think anyone who is spending hours in the gym working out without being a professional athlete or someone training for an ultimate goal like a marathon, is someone that is chasing something (like their youth) or running away (often from themselves). For me, balance is key. Do you take care of yourself in a way that indicates you have a genuine love for yourself? Do you have other interests? Most important...does your love for self extend to love for others or are you judgmental? I’m not easily offended either Shotgun but your post definitely came across that way. You’ve been working a ton on your outer self...maybe now is the time to focus on what’s inside. Just my opinion...for what it is worth.
even the shorter woman want 6 foot and above and athletic men (over 60 years old?)
Mark, I only have 45 minutes of swiping experience in 2021, but so far only 2 of 30 profiles I saw requested man over 6' and both those women are 6'. I get it. They want to be able to wear heels!
We all have things we find attractive. I'd work on why 6' and athletic bothers you. You control your athleticism. You would not believe where I was 6 months ago vs where I am today.
I'm in the male 40+, over 6' (15%), and athletic (20%) demographic. If a woman filters based on that, statistically in the US, she's limited her pool to maybe 3% of men. In a big area that's enough men to be realistic. And she doesn't have to be tall or athletic. To not stay single, she just has to have the attributes us 6'+ athletic men seek.
I do confess, the first guy I dated after my divorce was quite tall (6'5") and somehow after him came a streak of very tall men (6'6", 6'4", 6'5", 6'3") - I could have had a basketball team! The 6'6" one picked me up shopping in Big Lots, so it wasn't even like I was seeking them out. (I think he lies about his height though - he is probably 6'7"). But my ex was just 5'10" and I once had a mad crush on my sailing instructor who was 5'3" (I'm 5'6"). I think my fondness for those very tall guys was because they had generally been quite awkward in their youth and we shared a certain outsider vulnerability. Also they did remind me of the tall, handsome, sweet, brilliant graduate student I pined for in college. He was the one that got away.
Still, I would never list height as a requirement on a dating profile - you never know who you might be missing out on.
Also, I've contacted men whose desired age range didn't quite extend up to my age, and almost none of them felt it was an issue. Youthfullness is more than just a number.
LH19 The whole concept of trying to manipulate a person into being drawn to you seems like a circus act to me.
You shouldn't be trying to manipulate them into being drawn to you. You should be looking for the ones who think you're great as you are.
My ex was a bit OCD and had a critical streak (not just to me, but to himself also). I was very thin when we met (underweight actually) but even then had a curvy figure with wide hips and really was never his physical "type" as he's super fat phobic.
One surprising benefit of dating after divorce was that several men that I dated were African American and to them, my booty was my BEST feature! Also, my ex was in the same profession as me and very smart but he always had a chip on his shoulder because I was a better test taker than him (I never thought I was smarter than him - we just have different types of intelligence. He's better at some things and I'm better at others). And although most of the men I dated after divorce were not as academically accomplished as my ex, none of them were bothered by my intellect. It's so refreshing to be appreciated for who you are, not who someone wants you to be.
DejaVu6 thank you for your comment. I don't see a ton of older guys at the gym but I am usually there late in the evening. Retired fellows are probably there early in the day. I do physical work and have to stay fit or retire myself. Not quite ready for that as I am involved in some great projects. It is amazing what can be accomplished physically later in life and I can confidently state that I am stronger than I was in my twenties. Eating healthy is a greater challenge for me.
I am more interested in someone who has taken care of herself and is active physically and spiritually. Combine that with an appreciation for the arts and the outdoors and I have the perfect woman!
kml yes as I stated the advice about manipulation and see saws and such just isn't something I am interested in.
I'm tall (5'11"), so I prefer tall men, but when I did OLD, I never put anything about height preference in partners because I didn't want to be that person or limit myself. Note that I said I PREFER taller men, but I didn't say I exclusively date tall men. To me, personally, ruling out someone based solely on height is about the same as ruling someone out based solely on their hair texture. It isn't something a person can control. My XH was a couple of inches shorter than me. My current husband is about 6 inches taller than me. In both cases, honestly, I didn't give a crap about height, but both had a FANTASTIC sense of humor so that is the sort of thing that catches my attention.
LH19 The whole concept of trying to manipulate a person into being drawn to you seems like a circus act to me.
Well, of course, I doubt you'll find many people encouraging you to manipulate people into being drawn to you. Be yourself. You'll attract the right people. You'll turn off the wrong people. (:
Note that I said I PREFER taller men, but I didn't say I exclusively date tall men. To me, personally, ruling out someone based solely on height is about the same as ruling someone out based solely on their hair texture. It isn't something a person can control.
Love it! I've loosened all my filters this time around because most knobs OLD sites give you are superficial. Mine are as light as +/- 10yrs, +/- 25mi, ACTIVE (you expected that one!!), and no heavy smokers or drug users. A 5'3" lady just sent me photos of 10 outdoor adventure road trips she's done solo this year (swoon). So glad, no height filter! Now, if a 6'0" ladies sends me the same thing, well I know who's getting my first date slot, lol.
LH19 The whole concept of trying to manipulate a person into being drawn to you seems like a circus act to me.
What do you mean by this?
agree with what Dawn said about the absurdity of some of the male profiles (sadly most of the male profiles). So many men over 60 all looking for women 25-40 who are attractive, athletic, independent, intelligent, financially sound, no kids, etc. Every time I saw it I asked what the h3ll would a woman 25-40 who is all that want with a 60 year old who more often than not looks like he's closer to 75 years old, who frankly probably needs the assistance of a little blue pill?
agree with what Dawn said about the absurdity of some of the male profiles (sadly most of the male profiles). So many men over 60 all looking for women 25-40 who are attractive, athletic, independent, intelligent, financially sound, no kids, etc. Every time I saw it I asked what the h3ll would a woman 25-40 who is all that want with a 60 year old who more often than not looks like he's closer to 75 years old, who frankly probably needs the assistance of a little blue pill?
Come on I am going to call BS that the majority of the male profiles of men over 60 say "Looking for women 25-40 who are attractive, athletic, independent, intelligent, financially sound, no kids, etc."
regarding height:
as a 5'9" woman, I really prefer men who are taller. Most guys are so close to my height that I feel awkward wearing heels around them (and some guys just don't like tall women, too intimidating for them).
My ex was around 6'2" ... that was the perfect height for me. I could wear my tallest heels and still feel dainty and feminine next to him rather than like a giantess.
My son is 6'3" and that alone intimidates a lot of guys. Whoever is in my life someday will need to be secure enough not to be intimidated by either my son's height or my own.
Come on I am going to call BS that the majority of the male profiles of men over 60 say "Looking for women 25-40 who are attractive, athletic, independent, intelligent, financially sound, no kids, etc."
LH - you would be surprised. Maybe not all of those things in one profile, but the number of delusional 50 year old men looking for 25-40 year olds is high, and it's actually rare to see a guy whose desired age range goes above their own age. (Like really, how insecure or afraid of aging does a guy have to be to exclude women who are a just couple of years older than them? )
I'm still most puzzled, however, by the gray haired guy in his 60's whose profile picture was of him in a bathrobe holding a live duck. And no explanation. Still haven't figured that one out.
Come on I am going to call BS that the majority of the male profiles of men over 60 say "Looking for women 25-40 who are attractive, athletic, independent, intelligent, financially sound, no kids, etc."
LH - you would be surprised. Maybe not all of those things in one profile, but the number of delusional 50 year old men looking for 25-40 year olds is high, and it's actually rare to see a guy whose desired age range goes above their own age. (Like really, how insecure or afraid of aging does a guy have to be to exclude women who are a just couple of years older than them? )
I'm still most puzzled, however, by the gray haired guy in his 60's whose profile picture was of him in a bathrobe holding a live duck. And no explanation. Still haven't figured that one out.
Is it every guy over 60?
No.
Is it disproportionately high?
Yes.
Duck? No idea ...
agree with what Dawn said about the absurdity of some of the male profiles (sadly most of the male profiles). So many men over 60 all looking for women 25-40 who are attractive, athletic, independent, intelligent, financially sound, no kids, etc. Every time I saw it I asked what the h3ll would a woman 25-40 who is all that want with a 60 year old who more often than not looks like he's closer to 75 years old, who frankly probably needs the assistance of a little blue pill?
The single biggest factor in dating a twenty five year old is knowing she will some day go through midlife crisis. She will be forty and I will be seventy when that happens. Not worth it.
[/quote]
The single biggest factor in dating a twenty five year old is knowing she will some day go through midlife crisis. She will be forty and I will be seventy when that happens. Not worth it. [/quote]
It should be a question that all men and women ask for over 50's dating
"have you has your midlife crisis?"
[/quote]
The single biggest factor in dating a twenty five year old is knowing she will some day go through midlife crisis. She will be forty and I will be seventy when that happens. Not worth it.
It should be a question that all men and women ask for over 50's dating
"have you had your midlife crisis?"[/quote]
[/quote]
The single biggest factor in dating a twenty five year old is knowing she will some day go through midlife crisis. She will be forty and I will be seventy when that happens. Not worth it.
It should be a question that all men and women ask for over 50's dating
"have you had your midlife crisis?"
maybe change the d for an f???
The single biggest factor in dating a twenty five year old is knowing she will some day go through midlife crisis. She will be forty and I will be seventy when that happens. Not worth it.
My ex remarried a woman 19 years younger than him. I do wonder what will happen when he's almost 70 and she's a cute 50 year old (Asian and no kids so she will age well). I don't THINK she's the MLC type but there would be a certain poetic justice if she did have one. All I know is that when I was 51 and newly separated, I was NOT looking to date 70 year olds. The difference between 30 and 50 doesn't look that much, but between 50 and 70? That's a chasm.
The single biggest factor in dating a twenty five year old is knowing she will some day go through midlife crisis. She will be forty and I will be seventy when that happens. Not worth it.
My ex remarried a woman 19 years younger than him. I do wonder what will happen when he's almost 70 and she's a cute 50 year old (Asian and no kids so she will age well). I don't THINK she's the MLC type but there would be a certain poetic justice if she did have one. All I know is that when I was 51 and newly separated, I was NOT looking to date 70 year olds. The difference between 30 and 50 doesn't look that much, but between 50 and 70? That's a chasm.
[quote]The single biggest factor in dating a twenty five year old is knowing she will some day go through midlife crisis. She will be forty and I will be seventy when that happens. Not worth it.
My ex remarried a woman 19 years younger than him. I do wonder what will happen when he's almost 70 and she's a cute 50 year old (Asian and no kids so she will age well). I don't THINK she's the MLC type but there would be a certain poetic justice if she did have one. All I know is that when I was 51 and newly separated, I was NOT looking to date 70 year olds. The difference between 30 and 50 doesn't look that much, but between 50 and 70? That's a chasm. [/quote Between 50 and 70 is definitely a chasm.
Everyone I have dated since the end of my first marriage have been younger than me. Didn’t plan it or look for it. I am just young for my age and, as result, I seem to attract guys who are younger than me. My limit appears to be about five to seven years. After that, we start to drift into the world of different life stages which, for me, is critical. When I retire in ten or so years, I hope I have a partner who is doing the same as I want to travel and live a more relaxed life. I’m with you KML. Not ready to date a 70 year old...not until I’m at least 65...lol.
Everyone I have dated since the end of my first marriage have been younger than me. Didn’t plan it or look for it. I am just young for my age and, as result, I seem to attract guys who are younger than me. My limit appears to be about five to seven years. After that, we start to drift into the world of different life stages which, for me, is critical. When I retire in ten or so years, I hope I have a partner who is doing the same as I want to travel and live a more relaxed life. I’m with you KML. Not ready to date a 70 year old...not until I’m at least 65...lol.
I am with you on traveling. I have traveled some through the years and I love meeting people from other cultures. Seems they all want to talk American politics (ugh). I have dated ladies from twenty five to sixty. Mostly they have been within a few years of me. Age is less important to me than interests and philosophy.
I so appreciate everyone's input. I hope those of us who have survived divorce will find peace. I want to encourage men to hang on to the hope that it gets better after the dust settles. Get busy being fit, look your best and be focused on your life and career and women will beat down your door. At that point you can chose to answer or not but rest assured it does get better.