New thread time - hopefully a shift in direction of some sort too. We're going into a 4 week lockdown so I'll be focusing on myself and my environment. Rebuilding and renewing.
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2917413&page=1
Monty will be happy to have your company!
Hi Andrew,
I find your descriptions of the rail comings and goings fascinating.
Got chewed out by the operations manager this morning for legitimate reasons,
Is this the norm for your industry? I tend to disengage from managers who do that. When I was in an industry where that was the norm, the first time my manager began did this to me, I asked to speak to them in their office, and told them if I would not accept that and they apologized and it never happened again. I only mention this because your stress levels are already high and I suspect being chewed out doesn't help your stress levels.
I don't mean there isn't inherent stress in my industry. A couple of years ago a salesman fall short. After being warned it couldn't happen again, it happened again, and he jumped off a balcony at his customer's site.
Hi Andrew,
I find your descriptions of the rail comings and goings fascinating.
When I get involved in something I tend to get "very" interested and it shows. There's a quote that I can't put my finger on right now that more or less says that you can tell a lot about a person by their passions and ability to inspire others. Now that's going to bug me - I know I've used it here in fact.
It's actually not nearly as exciting as I may make it out to be. The Thursday night rail switch went more or less as planned with the railway actually delivering all the cars I asked for but put 4 of them in the opposite order of what I asked for. It works out though. I was glad that the two cars that I needed in a particular unloading spot ended up placed where I wanted. I was worried because one was a non-standard length.
I'm slowly getting the hang of it. I sat down yesterday and wrote myself a checklist to keep me on track (no pun intended). I find that checklists for managing critical processes are very valuable. I don't often do them but know that they've saved my bacon more than once. I do know that I do this more methodically than my boss who did it before. He kept everything in his head and was constantly adapting to fresh information. I got an email from him this morning letting me know that a car we can really use has just been placed where we can call it in. Something I would have seen later when I looked, but he's constantly "on".
Is this the norm for your industry? I tend to disengage from managers who do that. When I was in an industry where that was the norm, the first time my manager began did this to me, I asked to speak to them in their office, and told them if I would not accept that and they apologized and it never happened again. I only mention this because your stress levels are already high and I suspect being chewed out doesn't help your stress levels.
I don't mean there isn't inherent stress in my industry. A couple of years ago a salesman fall short. After being warned it couldn't happen again, it happened again, and he jumped off a balcony at his customer's site.
I started my career with the parts business of a major auto company and learned the "type" of many operations managers. They are tough because they need to be to deal with the staff below them who would take them for a ride if they came across as soft. And they are direct and blunt because they have no time or interest in politics, only in getting the job done.
What I also learned, is that you can't back down from them or they lose respect for you, but on the other hand if you mess up - you get their respect by owning up to it and dealing with the fall-out. Throwing someone else under the bus or trying to weasel your way out of responsibility gets no respect. They think you are playing games. I know that when I needed something that this manager would make it happen - mutual respect - due to the nature of our roles we have to work together. I make the plans but don't have the bodies. He has the bodies and has to be sure that they are kept safe. He also knows what the plant can do and is doing at a level I never will. A favourite podcast - "Our Plague Year" - had a monologue on it by the person who organized the tours for a performing group that applies
"Nobody gets hurt. Everybody gets paid.". I think that most management can be boiled down to that.
A personal hero of mine, Sir Ernest Shackleton, known to his men as "the Boss" had many flaws - but his men were devoted to him and importantly had absolute trust in his ability to take care of them. I highly recommend reading up on him if you want to see a real example of leadership and what it really means.
I think that a big part of the problem with my colleagues is that there is a perception that I'm being groomed to take over the company. It is indeed possible and I've had to deal with making sure that everyone is aware of my limitations. The guy who runs the company now is an engineer and a darned good one. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of trivial details going back decades and the ability to manage it all in his head. He's one of those people who are never "off". So - the engineers look at me and the fact that I'm not an engineer and have only a passing knowledge about how the plant works. But they are learning that I respect
their knowledge and abilities within their scope of practice. As an example, one of the guys was questioning how I was having him fill some containers last week. I went out and looked at what he was talking about and agreed that yes - this didn't look safe. But then grabbed one of the engineers and had HIM look at the issue and he did some math, checked specifications and confirmed that yes - we shouldn't be filling that container in that fashion.
Will I actually take over some day? I have no clue and am not looking out that far. Whenever I'm asked about it, I say that my job is to take care of details so that the people who do the "real" work can get on with it. But I do know that outside of the engineering, that I can bring things to the role that aren't there. I'm good with relationships (yeah - I'm on a divorce support site
), I am a decent salesman, passable mathematician and accountant, and that I have earned the respect of pretty much everyone I've dealt with both inside the organization and with our customers and suppliers.
We'll see. I'm not betting the farm on it - just trying to get through each day. I still need to manage the stress and effort and the fact that I am putting a lot of "me" into this and the candle is burning brightly on both ends.
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Well - that was a longer monologue than expected.
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Had an odd encounter again today - my own darned fault I'm sure. I popped in to the craft shop the next village over to see if they had any nice Easter decorations. It's run by a woman who I originally thought was interested in me in a romantical kind of way. She gets "very" interested in me and my life. Despite us being of a "certain age" - I think she's within a year or so of me - I get a vibe of raw sensuality out of her that is both attractive and also disturbing. Not that she's a tart or anything like that. She's a middle-aged lady who wears baggy clothes and has the appropriate curves for a person her age. She wears no makeup and really doesn't appear to be putting herself "out there". But there's a magnetism that is unmistakable. I also know that she is in a relationship and found out today that she has indeed sold her shop and building (conditional offer) and will be moving two hours away and in with her boyfriend to help take care of his mother. From what she's said, she's been single more or less since her mid-20s although she did live with this boyfriend for a couple of years in the past.
She's made comments in the past as well about coming over here to help me with things around the house and using that as an opportunity to introduce my son to her daughter.
I really don't know what to make of this other than the fact that I am absolutely keeping things on a arms-length basis is the thing to do. I certainly don't understand women well enough to understand motivation. She's in many ways the sort of woman that would be a good match if I were in a place to date. Kids all grown and independent, financially solvent and responsible, creative and interested in the arts, especially the jazz music scene.
Ah well - anyhoodles - back to my cleaning. I probably will make a pumpkin pie tonight for tomorrow's Easter dinner. My duck is pretty much thawed and the menu at this point will be roast duck with sausage stuffing and gravy, mashed potatoes, steamed broccoli with cheese sauce, roasted butternut squash, fresh bread and pumpkin pie for desert. And no - I've learned that I don't in fact need more people to feed.
Have a Blessed Easter all.
Had a lovely Easter with my son. He and Monty got along quite well especially after the treats and the laser pointer were found. I was pleased that Monty didn't run and hide but perhaps because this is "his" house, he was more comfortable. I think this year's roast duck was one of my best ones too, along with the fresh bread, mashed potatoes with gravy and pumpkin pie for desert - yes - he is seemingly still single .... S26 did say that he had invited one of his co-workers to join us who is spending this holiday alone. Made me feel good that he knew that of course we would have made room at the table. His co-worker didn't come and there are many left-overs. Potato pancakes, stuffing sandwiches, duck stew are all on the menu for future days. I'll probably put the bones in to bubble tomorrow and make more broth.
It was nice to spend the day cooking and preparing. I actually managed to time everything out decently and spent some time with Monty and a good book through the afternoon. There was work that I could have done - actually just finished dealing with a loading issue for tomorrow - but I really enjoyed those few hours of just being domestic.
It strikes me as odd how my son spends all of these holidays with me and not his mother - presumably she has her new family to care for - no clue on that. Other than the one Christmas shortly after we split and she communicated through our son that it was "only fair" that she have Christmas that year, there haven't been any other years when it hasn't been him and I for all the traditional family events except for perhaps last year when S's horde invaded for Thanksgiving. I suspect that my son spent that time alone which is one of several regrets about how things went with S. Ah well.
Like many of us with older children it is reasonable to wonder about their relationship or lack thereof with the other parent.
Regardless of your personal faith, this is indeed the season for Renewal.
I think this year's roast duck was one of my best ones too, along with the fresh bread, mashed potatoes with gravy and pumpkin pie for desert - yes - he is seemingly still single ..
You’re going to make the right woman very happy some day.
You’re going to make the right woman very happy some day.
Not so sure about that. The times that I had to do all the meal planning and prep for S and her boys was exhausting. Kudos to those who do that. Figuring out what to make that is nutritious and different each day was a lot of work.
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Another crazy day down at the plant. Had a panic this morning when my boss emailed me to let me know that 2 of the railcars I had called in that were needed might not make it - but they did and even ended up in the right spot - phew.
I'd also forgotten to book a delivery time for a load of raw materials but the load showed up at the usual time and all went fine. Then 9 million various issues took up my time. I honestly don't remember what many of them were. Suppliers and customers to cajole, staff to talk to, paperwork to process yadda yadda yadda.
It also seems that I am indeed being groomed for broader roles. The operations manager - who I've butted heads with a few times - is taking next week off and so I'll be doing much of his job. Training consisted of him talking to me for about 10 minutes and describing his day. I wrote it out as a draft procedure and sent it to him for review. The guys at the plant don't seem to be disturbed about me directing things - I won't use the word "in charge" and in talking to some of them, they have offered all the support I need to get things done. Something I greatly appreciate.
A few of them have talked to me privately as well about the fact that the operations manager grates on them as well and has a tendency to "manage from the hip" as it were - something that I'm seeing up close in recent times. Just tonight we had a panic when one of our tanks almost went dry - the operators didn't have clear instructions and were operating on what they "thought" the current guidelines were.
There was some back and forth from our mutual boss on mistakes made today with no fingers pointed but to me at least, it was clear that the ops manager was asleep at the wheel and from the tone of the message he eventually sent, he knows it too. My own opinion is that he's ticked off at my infringing on "his" territory albeit at least at this point in a backup capacity and has been acting in a passive aggressive manner. On the other hand, I could have been more pro-active too and caught some of these issues before they happened.
I'm not sure where my career is going or what it will look like but I do feel more and more that it is within my capabilities.
I was delayed in getting out of the plant when one of the engineers went on a rant as a covid denier. To be honest, I don't try to argue with these people. They have their own set of facts which they believe are valid and thoroughly researched and I don't have the same level of detail they are prepared to bring out. Nor do I have any interest in challenging them. But on the other hand I won't agree with them either - so it makes for an uncomfortable conversation when I'm being challenged about beliefs that I'm unwilling to vigorously defend.
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I think that Monty was disturbed with me being gone all day. He was pretty skittish when I got home and has been sticking close by. He won't be happy with me tomorrow as he has his vet appointment and will get a microchip implanted so that Bill Gates can track him over the 5-G network
He's doing well overall though I think. I did have a challenge with him because on Sunday he got to explore the dining room for the first time and didn't want to leave - an issue because I was plating dinner and while he's getting better, he's still not clear on what "up" places he's allowed on and keeps stretching those boundaries. He is learning though and while I'm sure he checks out the counter and table when I'm not home nothing seems to be disturbed.
On my health watch, the swelling in my legs seems to have gone down a bit. I've been trying to drink more water which I'm sure will help. I was concerned because there were some blotches that were similar to when they were infected previously but that's died down again. I need to continue to work on my diet to ensure it's appropriate and properly balanced and keep getting outside and being active as much as possible.
No romance or relationship news - sorry all - not sorry. We're going into a tighter lockdown here (something the Covid denier was upset about) and I don't have the spare capacity to deal with anything at present.
Well - just time to get at least most of the dishes done and then crash.
Figuring out what to make that is nutritious and different each day was a lot of work.
Try doing it for 25 years! That's why I'm more than happy to let CMM do all the cooking (I'm not sure he even realizes I actually CAN cook!). But really, even a guy who would take over SOME of the cooking would be a welcome break for most women in our age brackets.
They have their own set of facts which they believe are valid
I believe you meant to put "facts" in quotation marks.
I counter this when I find it by relaying the honest fact that 10-20% of my healthy patients with mild to moderate outpatient cases have ended up with long term consequences and begin to list them. These deniers are afraid. I want them to be more afraid of the virus than they are of the vaccine. (I also now have a gnarly photo of the leg of the healthy 32 year old who has spent a month in the hospital, 16 days in ICU, and had multiple surgeries and more pending, all to save his leg from the arterial blood clots his "mild" case of Covid caused.)
I'm so glad Monty got 5G so everyone can keep up with him. LOL
I have thought about you several times recently when I have seen national/international news about parts of Canada locking down. I keep seeing this as my own state has dropped the mask mandate and is starting to reopen "as normal". I noticed just yesterday when I had to go to Walmart, that there were lots of unmasked folks, but I still wore mine and will continue to do so, at least for a little while longer because there are not nearly enough vaccinated folks running around for my taste just yet. But, that is my choice and I'm not putting anyone down for their choice to unmask or continue to mask...it is what it is. One thing my school got right is that they are continuing the mask mandate through the end of the semester. So, I still have to wear one at work, so I might as well continue to wear it in public too.
Sparky has a job interview today at the little bakery/cafe in town and he's so excited. We had a long talk about it last night and he's excited, but also confident. He feels like his former experience as a line cook and barista in a local coffee shop will give him a leg up. My only concern, that I, of course, kept to myself so as not to burst his bubble, is that the bakery owners are a very young couple and while they have had employees in the past, it has mostly been college students, so he may not fit their general dynamic since he's older, but we'll see. He's a nice guy, a hard worker, and he's got actual real-world experience, so maybe he will be the right fit. Fingers crossed!
Other than that, life is clicking right along. It has been a super busy week at work and I'm SO glad tomorrow is Friday. This weekend, we have no plans and the weather is supposed to be pretty, so likely lots of front porch sitting with beers in hand. Sounds like a peaceful way to spend some down time to me!
Oops...sorry about that last part.....I meant to move to my own page and do the entry about Sparky and got sidetracked by a phone call. LOL Didn't mean to hijack you for my own personal story.
Oops...sorry about that last part.....I meant to move to my own page and do the entry about Sparky and got sidetracked by a phone call. LOL Didn't mean to hijack you for my own personal story.
More interesting than me playing with my trains
Hope Sparky "sparkles" at his interview. The situation reminds me of when Google started up plus another few tech companies. They intentionally hired in a cadre of experienced people even in upper management so that they would have some "adults" on board.
PS - Monty was very good at the vet and doesn't seem to blame me for all the poking and jabbing.
Happy Saturday from sunny Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan! First t-shirt day of the year for me and first day to hang my laundry out. I'm taking advantage of that to wash my quilt and other blankets as I prefer to hang them outside to dry. After work yesterday I took the opportunity to take down my storm windows - a task I dread as I am afraid of heights.
As a safety measure I messaged my daughter in Seattle a picture of the ladder and then later when I was back down. Even though she's across the country, she would have been able to rally the troops if she'd seen that Dad was going up on that rickety old ladder and not heard from again. I do worry at times with living alone on how I would be able to get help if I needed it. I'm not sure what my daughter would do, but she could certainly call her uncles or heck, even her mother. Despite the divorce I think that she would come to check if there was an emergency. I certainly couldn't count her her to take care of me if I were ill, but identifying the corpse at the bottom of the ladder and even possibly looking after Monty are things I would believe she would do. I know that my son would come over in an instant and do whatever was needed but I also know that he rarely answers his phone or reads text messages.
I may well be wrong, but despite what happened I would like to think that my ex-wife is a basically decent person who made what I and a few others think of as an inexplicable choice. She certainly is a force of nature when on a mission.
Since I have zero visibility into her life beyond seeing her car parked in front of her house when I take that street as my usual shortcut "in to town", I have to presume that she has an outwardly happy existence. But I also remember the years of her raging every day when I would get home from work about all sorts of things - but never me. She and OM live in a tiny little house with presumably little room to get away from each other, one of the things she liked about this big house. He also doesn't have a literal life-time of dealing with her and her moods. But he's stuck it out somehow as has she so good for them I suppose.
Speaking of Monty, he did well at his vet appointment. Without past records, the vet had to go by guess on some things so he's been re-vaccinated and I also had a microchip implanted. They did find some flea dirt on him but no actual fleas so I'll pick up some flea treatment today if I can and dose the places where he's been hanging out. He still spends a lot of time behind the couch which probably feels safe to him in this big empty house. It also turns out that he has a minor heart murmur which the vet was explaining carefully to me as something to watch and not be too concerned about when I laughed - another thing we have in common. I have 2 leaky valves myself. We're quite the pair.
I do have pretty much all the windows in the house open on such a lovely day and not at all to my surprise, Monty is currently sitting on my desk across the lab results I need to consult for today's loads with his tail whacking my hands as I try to type. He's learning the boundaries of what is comfortable for both of us which occasionally causes discomfort. He still has to learn which of the buttons on my desk calculator to not lay on as when it starts printing on the paper tape it's rather startling to us both. One good thing that he's done is that I now make an effort to actually spend time "with" him more. Last night we watched Pirates of Penzance. I didn't attempt to sing the Major General song this time. Linda Ronstadt has a just amazing voice and range. Kind of a cheezy musical but I like it and usually pull it out once a year or so. Monty didn't seem very interested and never once attempted to sing along although he did purr musically. His purr has a little chirping sound in it.
As time progresses, the feelings of being lonely are coming back. The current lockdown / stay at home order certainly doesn't help that. While it would be nice to wake up to a warm body next to me, right now I can't imagine going through the process of dating and adapting to someone else. Even if the Blue Fairy were to come down and whack me with her "make it all better" wand and skip all of that, I lack the ability to imagine what that sort of life would look like. A positive thing in that I have no preconceptions any more but certainly a barrier to opening myself up to that again. I'm pretty sure that there are indeed women out there who would make a decent partner but I'm not in a place right now even without the lockdown to actively do anything about it. Passively perhaps, but not actively. I was joking on another forum that perhaps instead of online dating that just crashing your grocery cart into an eligable looking man was a good strategy for a woman. Speaking of other forums, as has been discussed before, many do make it easier to have private conversations. I had a woman on that forum reach out, she knew some random bits of trivia about me and I had to think hard before I responded. I think the fact that I live some distance away dropped her interest. I noticed she was active on a related dating forum. One other person who reached out in the same venue was active in a herpes forum so - as they say YMMV.
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My health seems to be up and down a bit probably due to stress. I'm working harder on getting a decent amount of sleep but it's hard. I also seem to have messed up my one shoulder. When S was here there was a particular way she liked us to sleep that put some pressure on it and over time it developed a dull ache - chicken or egg question - "Correlation does not imply causation". When I fell at the end of January it was this shoulder that was hurt along with the opposite knee. It got a bit better but when carrying my tires back and forth to the car it pained again. So I'm being careful with it. In what reading I've done, it's probably just something related to age plus perhaps that injury and there's not a lot that can be done. Right now it limits certain movements but not in a serious way.
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Work is going to continue busy but I think that I have turned a bit of a corner. The operations manager had been obstructionist but I think realized in the last couple of days the amount of effort that I've been putting in which I think is well and above what he thinks is reasonable. I think I've also learned something important about him, that his literacy skills aren't perhaps as high as I might expect. He rarely responds to emails and when he does, it's very terse and reluctant. Just something to balance in the equation.
I think he's had a talk to my boss about what's all been dumped on me and my boss has reached out and offered more guidance - which is badly needed. I've made some mistakes that should have been caught and I certainly have no issues with being better informed and guided. As I've joked with him for a long time, I like having "training wheels". Like with teaching a kid to ride a bike, the key thing is to provide the perception of a safe environment and keeping me between the lines as I learn all the ins and outs. There are those who think that roles like these could be automated but the number of times and ways I have to dodge and adapt in a day precludes that.
A good example is a couple of days ago when we had a power failure. Imagine if you will an entire (smallish) chemical plant closing itself down with all the safety features snapping into place. And then starting it back up. Suddenly product I'd had plans for changed quality or just plain became unavailable. As I will regularly say "drop back 5 and punt".
I do think that my boss is under considerable stress right now and training me and watching me wobble even with training wheels is difficult. We are also having quite a few issues related to sales, infrastructure, suppliers. Not unique to us though at all. He emailed me this morning because one of our tanks was empty that he thought should be full. Trucking problems I advised him, the tank will be filled up next Thursday. Something he's dealing with on the parts he still manages. Given my years in this industry albeit in different roles, I have quite a lot of friends and acquaintances now scattered across various companies so I tend to hear the gossip fairly quickly. One of our biggest customers just closed 2 of their locations and has also downsized their sales staff significantly, letting go of numerous top performers. From the rumour mill, I know that the tanks at one of the sites are being relocated to one of the sites still open and passed that gossip along as that impacts us and is more or less public knowledge. You can't shift one of these big tanks quietly.
One of the things that my boss likes I think is that I have poor work/life boundaries. As I mentioned, I was also working this morning. We have 4 loads that will probably go out this weekend and part of my role is checking tank levels, recording our production yadda yadda yadda. Others, including the operations manager like to have a more solid boundary which I certainly can appreciate. However in my past roles, I've always been needed to pitch in after hours or on weekends so I have a "lot" of experience with this sort of expectation and can't really imagine what it would be like to not be available or keeping half an eye on things even when off. An issue perhaps for future relationships I'm sure.
The guys seem to like working with me - open about being new and I always look for opportunities to notice them doing something positive. A young lad who happens to be from this area is supposed to be my main contact among the loaders during the day shift. I think he was uncertain about it, but he called me looking for some information and I made a point of thanking him for being proactive - and also passed that on to his actual boss. Another loader called questioning some paperwork and had done things differently than I had set out. His way was better and I made a point of telling him so.
I know that the guy I've been working closely with in the other side of the plant has liked working with me. Again, find when they do things right and notice. Listen to and respect their experience and skills. There was a minor spill because of some faulty containers, he told me right away and I think was pleased that I chased after it with the container manufacturer and made sure we got satisfaction. And I think he appreciated how hard I laughed at how he identified the faulty containers. He spray-painted them with "hole" and a big arrow and circle identifying the tiny hold in the bottom quadrant of the container. Exactly the right thing to do. We recycle the drums, sending them off to be cleaned and tested when they come back from the customer. These drums will never go into service again.
One of the advantages of being on good terms with the guys is that when I ask for something extra, they pretty much always deliver. Because in part of some of the communication issues I've been having with the operations manager, some product I needed to satisfy an order wasn't being made available. Suddenly it did on Friday afternoon. But the trailer I needed was already under the rack to be loaded, so frantic phone call to the control room letting them know that the plans may be changing, call to the trucking company to see if they could divert this load and then to the packaging department to see if they would be able to fill. Everybody stepped up cheerfully. I felt bad because the packager needed to stay late but he also knows that I'm more than open to him leaving early if the schedule permits and that it was an "ask" and not a "demand". I now have access to the cameras and actually spotted that he stayed even some extra time finishing up the jobs he had to set aside for the rush order that certainly could have waited until Monday.
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On another work related topic, there's a possibility that I might be shifted back to corporate. A major project that was supposed to have made my previous role redundant is going nowhere fast and senior management is taking an active interest. It's being pitched by some that I take over that project which is well within my skill sets. It would be a multi-year endeavour and a lot of work. I've managed similar projects to success with this company before though so they know it can be done. They chose someone else to manage it because he had a better relationship to the owner and promised quick fixes and return on investment. He doesn't ascribe to my philosophy of "you can have it fast, cheap or right - pick 2".
Ah well - enough Saturday morning philosophy. Even Monty has gotten bored and wandered away. I have the last blanket to hang on the line then in to "town" to do some minimal grocery shopping. I hope to get my hands dirty in the flower beds today and may consider having a bit of a fire in the back-garden with a frosty beverage and watch the stars later.
Remind me to tell you sometime the story of my uncle who fell off the roof and died while his wife was at the hardware store getting whatever item it was he needed. He had no business being in the roof at his age and I’m thinking you have no business taking those storm windows down yourself. Please be careful!
As to our spouses - wherever they go, there they are. They didn’t get a personality transplant. My ex’s life looks aces from the outside - beach duplex, cute younger wife, pre-Covid travel adventures. But I know his essential unhappiness is finding flaws (in his life and probably her by now), feeling bitterness (my ex gets part of my pension! People in my neighborhood have trust funds! ) and that his underlying depression is still probably untreated.
We may still not have reached our destinations, but we have the tools to find a happier life. (And yeah, your ex probably misses that big old house now, especially with the lockdowns! )
Along those same lines, I had just been thinking earlier this morning about retirement. I’m happy and grateful that I will likely be able to retire with little change in lifestyle - sure, I’ll need to continue to be frugal, especially if I want to travel, but I won’t worry about food shelter or clothing in retirement. And it occurred to me that my ex (with a much larger retirement income) is probably experiencing just the opposite - angry that he’ll have to stick to a budget, that he can’t do anything he wants, that he doesn’t have as much money as some others do. Even though he has a lot!!! With almost $10k a month pension, a million dollars in a retirement account, and rental income that helps pay the mortgage on his duplex and will eventually be an additional source of income. Plus he will get the maximum social security benefit when he is old enough to collect that. Yet I can almost guarantee he sees that glass as half empty instead of overflowing.
As a safety measure I messaged my daughter in Seattle a picture of the ladder and then later when I was back down. Even though she's across the country, she would have been able to rally the troops if she'd seen that Dad was going up on that rickety old ladder and not heard from again. I do worry at times with living alone on how I would be able to get help if I needed it.
Yes. Heart attack. Stroke. Whatever--we're more likely to die sooner. This was my deepest fear a couple of years ago when my ex moved out, but Death comes for us no matter what. I suspect losing 50# and having taken a Wilderness First Aid class does more for my longevity than having an untrained person in my house. When I'm anywhere particularly dangerous, I carry a Personal Locator Beacon (~$200) I can use to call for help. I also do like you and tell someone my plans. "I'm on the summit and should be to you by 8pm." That way, maybe by 10pm they get curious and call a ranger. "Hmm.. he said he'd be here at 8pm and it's 10pm." Maybe not. (:
As time progresses, the feelings of being lonely are coming back. The current lockdown / stay at home order certainly doesn't help that. While it would be nice to wake up to a warm body next to me, right now I can't imagine going through the process of dating and adapting to someone else. Even if the Blue Fairy were to come down and whack me with her "make it all better" wand and skip all of that, I lack the ability to imagine what that sort of life would look like. A positive thing in that I have no preconceptions any more but certainly a barrier to opening myself up to that again. I'm pretty sure that there are indeed women out there who would make a decent partner
There are so many ways it *could* look. If we date someone younger, likely it means raising a new family. If we date someone older, it's likely they've accepted and mostly raised their kids. With the older comes experience at everything from hobbies to maintaining a home and finances, to the bedroom. With the younger comes freshness, enthusiasm, and new eyes. Then there are the in-betweens. That's what dating is for, to see how your lives might mix, the obvious and the surprises. Beyond dealbreakers and value-mismatches ("I don't want more kids"), we don't need to pre-plan it, it'll naturally become clear, and that's part of the fun of the journey ahead of us both.
My health seems to be up and down a bit probably due to stress. I'm working harder on getting a decent amount of sleep but it's hard. I also seem to have messed up my one shoulder. When S was here there was a particular way she liked us to sleep that put some pressure on it and over time it developed a dull ache - chicken or egg question - "Correlation does not imply causation". When I fell at the end of January it was this shoulder that was hurt along with the opposite knee. It got a bit better but when carrying my tires back and forth to the car it pained again. So I'm being careful with it. In what reading I've done, it's probably just something related to age plus perhaps that injury and there's not a lot that can be done. Right now it limits certain movements but not in a serious way.
I had/have a shoulder issue that sounds similar--got it or discovered it while trying to sleep. PT told me it'd never be 100% and Insurance covered only getting it to the point I could sit in a car and use a seat belt ("work & live"). A trainer helped get it to the point I could reach overhead, carry a backpack, and pull items out of it. I did like 6 motions for strength & mobility for about 2 months to achieve that. It still needs more work--40#+ packs do NOT feel good and I don't have "normal" mobility--but I was amazed how much was possible. Anyway, depending on $$$ available, it may be worth either seeing a doc or PT for an initial assessment (to my surprise my T-Spine was involved) or Googling exercises for shoulder pain. It should feel like something, but stop if pain or it aggravates the injury even with icing after.
Anyway, depending on $$$ available, it may be worth either seeing a doc or PT for an initial assessment (to my surprise my T-Spine was involved) or Googling exercises for shoulder pain. It should feel like something, but stop if pain or it aggravates the injury even with icing after.
Thanks - I'll maybe see if I can get a referral to a physical therapist. My regular medical clinic is trying to keep us all out unless we are actively dieing of something but that won't stop them from making a referral for me. I have pretty good medical coverage even beyond just being Canadian
- which really only covers the very basics. It will probably have to wait until our current "stay at home order" expires in about a month.
Nice to hear that in some circumstances that this is something that can be mitigated.
Happy Wednesday all. Payday for me, alimony payment day for my ex-wife although she never "cashes" the payment until the legally stated 15th of the month. I'm not really sure why but suspect that she continues to try to do the "decent" thing even if the money is often available to her sometimes 2 or 3 days early. Knowing her and her knowledge of me I can certainly see her abiding by the letter of our agreement down the the last dot. Putting on my mind-reading turban for the first time in a long time, I do think that she has an amount of guilt that persists about destroying our family. Just like there are still days like right now where I feel sorry for her and the predicament that she is in but know that there's not a darned thing that can be done about other than accept it for what it is and move along. There are no tugs on the heart string, just sadness for someone who has lost so much even if it is her own darned fault. I too have lost a lot - the future I had been looking forward to among other things, navigating a path alone that was intended to be done hand in hand.
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To quote the ancient philosopher Hubert J Farnsworth "Good news everyone" - my daughter and her husband have bought a house! There seems to be a boom in Seattle of taking tiny little houses that are rather rundown, giving them a make-over and flipping them. Google streetview gives the opportunity to do an historical review of the property and there are some red flags about trees growing too close to the house etc. The interior has been stripped and redone, the overgrown trees are gone as are a number of what are perhaps interior load-bearing walls. It passed inspection
Given the current "stay at home" order, I'm unsurprisingly at home today instead of down at the plant. I do now have access to the cameras which is a bit of a help as I can see what's currently under the rack for loading. One of the cameras points inside the plant where I can see the guys wandering around and I've pulled that off my view. Just seems creepy and I don't need to know that except under very specific circumstances. I do need to pop down for a bit sometime this week and gather up some paperwork but I'm not sure when. I might go down this afternoon to be there after the day shift has gone home - not sure.
With the operations manager on vacation I'm doing a chunk of his job - hence my need to see what's going on. The guys have been incredibly supportive and helpful and I suspect that they like working with me more than him. I've found that the best way to communicate with my main contact there is actually texting despite being told to use emails. He's a young kid (anyone under 30 is a kid) and so is comfortable with texts. I found quickly that he doesn't see emails very quickly and a phone call would interrupt him when perhaps he shouldn't be interrupted as he's dealing with hazardous goods. Texts have a nice balance. He notices them right away and responds when it is safe to do so. I'm not sure how much of this will remain on my plate when the Operations manager gets back next week.
I've also found that the freight company I've been dealing with seems fairly happy too. They had been rather in a snit because there had been some mix-ups. I talk to them twice a day and go over the basic outline of the plans which never actually happen as laid out. I think the operations manager has been a bit confrontational with them in the past.
I think I'm getting a decent handle on rail. Last night the cars that I had requested moved around actually moved around as planned and in the right order as well. I've figured out what reports to look at to see what is just over the horizon as well.
I still think that there's a decent chance that I'll be pulled out of the plant and back to corporate and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I expect that a decision on that may be made within the next month if any decision is made at all.
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Monty is settling in. I'm pretty much convinced that he doesn't go on the counter or kitchen table much except when I'm in there and he wants attention. I'm pretty sure he understands that he's not allowed to do that now - but of course does it anyway but much less every day. I've been trying to reward him with pets and occasional treats for "not" doing bad things. The current struggle is that he loves to chew on things when he's with me and I'm working on him not chewing on things. I'm sure it's a play activity for him and a way to get my attention. Setting out what he's allowed and not allowed continues to be a challenge and I fully understand that he's a cat and will do whatever the heck he wants. He's smart though and we are both figuring things out.
It is work though - I've never been in a situation where there is just one cat in the house and they don't have a buddy to annoy. I have no interest in adding another cat though. I'm sure it's good for me that I need to care for another soul and make sure that I set aside time for them.
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Lockdown is tough on us here. I felt sad for the neighbour who runs the gift shop around the corner. She is anti-mask, anti-lockdown and is currently defying the orders with her shop open. I walked past the other day and saw her sitting just staring out the window of her empty shop at the empty street. I was also talking to one of the people who recently bought the village tavern and have opened it as a fish and chips shop - they are very worried too. They are doing take-out only business but it's not enough to pay the bills. Even though I fully support the public health measures in place, I can't help but feel bad for those who are truly suffering through this. Would I feel different if it were my own life savings and lively-hood at stake? Probably not but I can't forget that my perspective is of someone who has a job and paycheque.
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I texted my son yesterday evening suggesting he come over for dinner on Sunday - he and I are in each other's bubble. I suggested that I might make a crumble top rhubarb pie but he's going to bring a lemon pie using up some surplus ice cream cones for the crust. I'll make up either a pork loin roast or a meatloaf for dinner I think.
Yesterday I heard one of my neighbours cutting their grass for the first time this year - so the gauntlet is thrown down. I tuned my mower up on the weekend and sharpened the blade so I'm ready for the "my grass is cut before your's" regular competition. The peonies and other perennials are coming up nicely and the rhubarb in the garden is already about 6" high. Spring is indeed well under way. And before long I'll need to use up the rhubarb I have from last season to make room for this season's. Maybe a rhubarb sauce. There's a lot of vitamins and whatnot in rhubarb and if I keep the sugar down then it should be good. My weight is slowly going down now that I'm working harder on it at least.
Well - enough for now.
There are no tugs on the heart string, just sadness for someone who has lost so much even if it is her own darned fault. I too have lost a lot - the future I had been looking forward to among other things, navigating a path alone that was intended to be done hand in hand.
That's how I feel abut my ex. Even though, by comparison, my ex landed in a good place (hot younger wife, beach duplex, retired at 60) - I know the truth. His relationships with our kids are rocky, his essential unhappiness hasn't been fixed, his glass is perennially half empty. Had he stayed in the marriage, our home would have been paid off by now, I would possibly have been able to help him avoid some of his health problems, our kids would likely be more stable. But then again, I don't think I would have been as happy with him as I can be now. I like not walking on eggshells around him. And even though my love life post-divorce has been - um - interesting? - I still would not want to go back. I guess
I wish he could have been the kind of person to be satisfied with all we had, but he's not, and never really was. It's not the future I had envisioned for myself, but honestly, the reality of that future would have been different than the dream anyway.
Maybe a rhubarb sauce. There's a lot of vitamins and whatnot in rhubarb and if I keep the sugar down then it should be good
Isn't sugar the only thing that makes rhubarb palatable????
Congratulations to your daughter and son-in-law on the purchase of a home. That's a big step for them and they will enjoy having their own place.
As for dear Monty, that boy needs a lot of attention. He's probably use to his previous owner talking to him all of the time. In time, he'll learn to dos and don'ts. Rewarding him when he does something good is a good way to train him. BTW, loved the video of him purring and showing you that he loves you. He truly has settled in.
Yes, mowing season is upon us once again. I noticed the lilacs are in full bloom already. Everything in my area is about a month ahead of schedule this year. The bugs are terrible this year.
If you are mowing, please take your time. If you get tired, stop. Also, please do not get up on that extension ladder unless you have someone there to hold it or in the area just in case something happens. I know you are use to doing things on your own, but there comes a time when you need to be more safety conscious.
Yes, mowing season is upon us once again. I noticed the lilacs are in full bloom already. Everything in my area is about a month ahead of schedule this year. The bugs are terrible this year.
Jealous. I love lilacs - every year I take some out when I go "visiting the relatives" at the various cemeteries around here. This year I need to actually go and get my plot bought - not that I have any intention of using it any time soon. I've known since I was a young boy where I would end up - the same cemetery where my ancestors and various cousins have been placed for nearly 200 years. It's a lovely spot in the corner of a farmer's field on top of a hill. Plots are surprisingly affordable too - I believe that it will cost me about $600 for a double - again - not sure when or how that will be used. I had looked into this shortly after my divorce but then for one reason and another didn't follow up. Like I think a number of our ex-spouses my ex-wife was very phobic on the subject of death and passively refused to work with me on getting our wills done up - until oddly after her cheating was discovered. She did like decorative pillows as I mentioned on another rather morbid thread.
It's been a rather tough week. I wrote a long post yesterday but deleted it before hitting send. Work has been very tough in part because I've been covering for the operations manager for the past week. It will be interesting to observe what he thinks of the state of his department when he gets back. A mistake was made by one of the guys that resulted in a lot of trouble - no safety issue - but it will affect the movement of railcars and production within the plant for probably the next week. Even though I could throw the guy under the bus I'm choosing to take on at least a portion of the responsibility. The instructions I had given weren't clear to "not" do this thing and superficially I would have made the same choice. He's well informed by his co-workers and the company president that he messed up as well and it's not the first time he's made similar mistakes. He's a good and hard worker and I personally think that properly led that he would do so much better than he does, but at least in part because there is little or no direct supervision at the plant the guys are often left to having to make these decisions on their own.
We also lost one of the senior engineering people. He had been on a leave of absence for the past month so I had been covering for part of that and setting aside other things for when he got back. Rumour had told me that he had a health issue. He put in his resignation yesterday and our boss - the company president called me to let me know. I was talking to one of the guys later in the day and he said that the story he had was that the guy quit because he was feeling overwhelmed and stressed - sounds familiar.
All of this has set the president in a bit of a mood and while he works hard on being supportive, he's been more than usually blunt and harsh in some of the comments coming my way. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt - we're now down about 30% of the admin staff - something's got to give. Or we just bounce. I don't know. I do know that it's difficult for him to leave me to run the things I do on my own because I'm not doing them the way he would. He's one of those "adaptable" people who will change plans 5 times a day though where as I like to say - I don't have speed but I have momentum. So I tend to stick to a plan until it becomes obvious that the plan isn't working vs him who will shift plans when he sees what looks like a better plan. I know the guys prefer my methods because it means that what they are doing mid-shift is usually what they were told at the start. They are all wanting to do a good job which they struggle with if priorities change unpredictably. I know that I don't do well with that myself but cope as well as I can. So early Friday afternoon when he wanted me to pull loads forward I made the phone calls, adjusted the plans, cajoled people into cooperation and made it happen. It was the right decision - otherwise Monday would have been a mad-house and we would have been really stretched to get things done. By shifting things it helps with that.
Meanwhile I continue to work 7 days a week. Less hours on the weekend but lots through the week. Starting before 7 and usually working until after 6. I'm often answering emails as early as 5:00. Trying to juggle 4 or 5 different roles and a whole lot of shifting priorities. And yes, like my colleague, I feel overwhelmed and stressed and have few ways to let that go.
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DV posted this the other day and it got me thinking ...
I’m okay though. Getting increasingly comfortable with the idea of being single for an extended period of time...lol.
I'm currently in a place where I literally cannot imagine having someone else under this roof. And even dating is beyond my emotional range right now I think. I know that in the process of giving that you can get back more. Burdens shared are burdens lessened and all that sort of thing. And by giving kindness and love you can receive back so much more - it's an additive process, not just an exchange. Having dealt with S - who was a bottomless pit of taking has left me empty though - or at least so I feel. Unlike when my ex and I split, I don't have a hole that was ripped out of me - it's more like I'm deflated, wobbly, like an old inflatable Christmas decoration with the fan turned off. Yes - my imagery could use work ...
Not that there are opportunities to date. I've not heard from C recently but expect she's lurking over the horizon. For Thursday and Friday my county required everyone to just plain stay home. There were a series of bush parties it turns out in the opposite corner of my county from where I live. For those who might not understand, imagine a rave with plaid and pickup trucks. The resulting super-spreader event has resulted in the health unit having to shut down vaccinations and redeploy workers to do contact tracing. The order was to essentially try to keep people in one place while they did this. From what I gather a number of the people who were at these parties are now also unemployed with their employers taking a dim view of them risking the health of the entire community.
Even the anti-mask / anti-lockdown lady who has the craft shop around the corner shut her shop. Although I think she's also feeling the lack of support from the community on her stance.
We're all so very tired.
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Like some others, I'm wondering about the future of this little community we have here. Like some small towns, we seem to have more people moving out than moving in and those who are here chat and visit among themselves. I like it here but would not be surprised if MWD chooses to pull the plug. She's running a business and while this place is more or less managed by volunteers, there is a cost and I am not sure what return on investment she is getting out of it.
In one of the more Upper parts of Upper Kanukistan, there is a small community called Elliot Lake which was a uranium mining town back in the day. They have been working for quite a long time to redefine themselves as a retirement community. Perhaps it's a good metaphor - a place for people to relax that's only marginally radioactive
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To try to help my mood I baked a batch of peanut butter cookies yesterday evening. Grrr - my cookie cookbook is missing. I found another recipe online but didn't like the results as much as my usual batch. I'm sure that I will continue to find things that aren't there as time goes along. Annoying because S is gluten free and this cookbook absolutely was not. I expect it just got grabbed as something shiny when packing like a few things that I had set aside that are now gone. Another plausible explanation is that the people helping her pack couldn't comprehend that a bachelor would keep a button jar, cookie cookbook, pans, etc because her experience and perception is that all men are helpless man-babies who are incapable of caring for themselves.
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Trying to decide on the shape of my day. My son - who is in my "bubble" - we are allowed as single people to attach ourselves to one other bubble - is coming by on Sunday for dinner. I'm going to cook up a pork loin roast in the slow cooker and a batch of scalloped potatoes.
I do have some groceries to pick up as well and am thinking that I may pop in to the plant and pick up some paperwork that I need to review related to deliveries in the past week or so. It's an hour drive each way but that may do me good in getting out of the house for a longer period of time. The local police are now empowered to stop people and ask where they are going. I have a piece of paper from the company that identifies me as an essential worker - we produce chemistry for water treatment as one of our major lines. Not that it's critical that I go in to the plant but I won't be interacting with anyone.
A good soak in the tub is probably called for today too.
It's going to be a cool and damp week here this coming week according to the forecast so I probably won't be out playing in the dirt.
Well - time to get on with it. Thanks for being there my friends.
I hate losing a favorite recipe!
As for work - you need to have a talk with the boss about the infeasibility of you covering three jobs at once. Sounds like you’re generally short staffed - perhaps you could ask for an assistant? Not only would that allow you to delegate some jobs but, properly trained, there would be someone to cover when you’re on vacation or out sick.
I hope you’re able to get vaccinated soon - I know things are going more slowly in Canada.
$600 for a burial plot? I think that’s just slightly more than my mom paid for hers in 1969. It was worth about $30,000 when she finally used it - she used to joke that it was her best real estate investment!
Keep going andy. FOrward. Try not to look back so much. I know how difficult it is, especially when you have such a long history with someone. But the only way is forward. You'll be fine on your own, or with the RIGHT partner. Remeber, there is always compromise in an R, but no one should ever have to change who they are
Keep going andy. FOrward. Try not to look back so much. I know how difficult it is, especially when you have such a long history with someone. But the only way is forward. You'll be fine on your own, or with the RIGHT partner. Remeber, there is always compromise in an R, but no one should ever have to change who they are
Thanks Ginger. We've had our differences over the years, but I know that you always come from a place of caring.
PS - You are probably one of the 3 or 4 people that call me Andy
My ex-wife used to get very upset whenever anyone did that. I don't know what it is about me, but women around me tend to be very protective. S at one point accused me of having a "harem" given the number of women I was connected to on social media all of whom would chime in regularly and keep an eye on me. And this pre-dates my divorce and goes all the way back to when I was a young boy.
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I did go in to the plant yesterday and it was a good thing. As I was walking through one of the buildings I noticed a leak in one of the water lines which otherwise might not have been noticed until Monday. It's a non-critical part of our process and so isn't as closely monitored as the rest of the plant. The containment area had a fair bit of water in it so it had been leaking for a while. I of course had no clue on what to do although I was able to be sure that it was water involved (green pipes) and not something more dangerous. So - called the engineer who was on call, he instructed me to close off certain valves and then I got one of the operating staff who then went through all the stuff that needed to be done. I was annoyed at myself though because I forgot to wear my safety shoes and was wandering around with sneakers. Nobody other than me seemed to notice or care.
If anyone wants to see a really cool bit of kit - Boston Dynamics is now marketing their little dog robots to companies like mine (not that we'd pay for that) as well as I presume still to the military. They have a series of promotional articles and videos where these robot dogs wander around plants, check gauges and look for anything out of the ordinary. Cool - but also really really creepy. They can climb stairs and I wouldn't be surprised if they could also climb ladders.
Just finished going over the paperwork, lab results, tank levels etc for Monday's shipments - there really is no "off" day with this job. We have a big batch of rail cars that have also arrived at the local yard that I'll probably need to go through later this afternoon. I have 3 or possibly 5 that I can release out but there are some cars that I need to keep on site while figuring out where to place as many of these incoming cars as I can. Every time a rail car moves it costs a fair bit of money and it also costs money if they sit in one spot for too long outside our own yard. Lots of things to balance.
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Related perhaps to the point above about me having a "harem", I had an odd encounter on Saturday afternoon. I popped into a store to pick up my weekly 12-pack of beer and a voice calls out hello. It was a young lady who worked at another outlet about 1/2 hour away that I would stop in back on Fridays in the "before times" when I was driving in and out of the City. If it was slow we'd chat. I tried to persuade her that she should date my son but she wasn't interested in a guy that much younger than herself who lived in his childhood bedroom. She's maybe 30, has a young boy, went through a difficult divorce and then into another relationship (people tell me their life stories) shortly after that imploded, then swore off men. I'd think from time to time that she was interested in me despite the rather large age difference. She almost seemed to be expecting to see me. Odd.
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Got a text from S26 - he was supposed to be coming to dinner tonight so I have a pork loin roast cooking and scalloped potatoes prepped and ready to go into the oven. He's canceled out of concern with the rising case count in our area. He also lives more towards the part of the county that had the super-spreader event and sort of implied that some of his co-workers were involved. Abundance of caution and absolutely the right decision. Too bad though, I could really have used the company which is why I'm nattering away here. He was going to bring a pie. So - I'll be eating pork sandwiches and left-over scalloped potatoes for the week it seems. I'm confident that he will be doing all he can to keep himself safe - despite ample evidence to the contrary we are a very safety focused family.
I do hope he doesn't get ill - since he also lives alone I may start doing a daily wellness check with him. I honestly have no idea on how much involvement his mother has with him but given that he's always available on holidays and weekends I would presume it's not much. Which is too bad. He and his mother are quite a lot alike and they were very close. I do hope I'm wrong.
It does drive home though how dependent I am on the limited social interaction I can get these days. From recent news reports, there is some modeling that predicts that where I live is about to go into a scenario where NYC and Italy were a year ago so this isn't over by a long way.
Well - enough for now -
Too bad son can’t drive by and pick up a take home portion of dinner and drop off half a pie on the porch - then you could zoom while eating. I think he lives a bit far for that to be feasible though, no? Glad you’re being safe.
Meanwhile I continue to work 7 days a week. Less hours on the weekend but lots through the week. Starting before 7 and usually working until after 6. I'm often answering emails as early as 5:00. Trying to juggle 4 or 5 different roles and a whole lot of shifting priorities. And yes, like my colleague, I feel overwhelmed and stressed and have few ways to let that go.
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DV posted this the other day and it got me thinking ...
I’m okay though. Getting increasingly comfortable with the idea of being single for an extended period of time...lol.
I'm currently in a place where I literally cannot imagine having someone else under this roof. And even dating is beyond my emotional range right now I think. I know that in the process of giving that you can get back more. Burdens shared are burdens lessened and all that sort of thing. And by giving kindness and love you can receive back so much more - it's an additive process, not just an exchange. Having dealt with S - who was a bottomless pit of taking has left me empty though - or at least so I feel. Unlike when my ex and I split, I don't have a hole that was ripped out of me - it's more like I'm deflated, wobbly, like an old inflatable Christmas decoration with the fan turned off. Yes - my imagery could use work ...
We're all so very tired.
Your adrenals are depleted from the chronic stress of living with a crazy person (S). Gonna take work to get those back up and running.
Like some others, I'm wondering about the future of this little community we have here. Like some small towns, we seem to have more people moving out than moving in and those who are here chat and visit among themselves. I like it here but would not be surprised if MWD chooses to pull the plug. She's running a business and while this place is more or less managed by volunteers, there is a cost and I am not sure what return on investment she is getting out of it.
I believe other boards are thriving like the newcomer section and MLC as well. Just because this side is quiet does not mean the entire place is a ghost town.
To try to help my mood I baked a batch of peanut butter cookies yesterday evening. Grrr - my cookie cookbook is missing. I found another recipe online but didn't like the results as much as my usual batch. I'm sure that I will continue to find things that aren't there as time goes along. Annoying because S is gluten free and this cookbook absolutely was not. I expect it just got grabbed as something shiny when packing like a few things that I had set aside that are now gone. Another plausible explanation is that the people helping her pack couldn't comprehend that a bachelor would keep a button jar, cookie cookbook, pans, etc because her experience and perception is that all men are helpless man-babies who are incapable of caring for themselves.
Can you re-order it online? The utter cheek of that crowd. This is why I said lock it all up and be present while they move.
A good soak in the tub is probably called for today too.
Add epsom salts so you can restore your magnesium levels.
Sorry work is so rough and you don't get much of a break. I'm sending you ALL the positive vibes and happy thoughts that you can at least get in some relaxation, meals with your son, and quality time with Monty.
Cold and overcast day here. Monty and I are working on his wanting to chew on things on my desk. I know that it's a boredom / attention getting thing. He doesn't chew otherwise. Frustrating though especially when I'm trying to concentrate. I'm trying various strategies, disapproving of the bad, encouraging the good. I think he's moderately clear on the concept, just doesn't agree. He usually hangs out for about an hour and then goes off to rest having done his part to start my day.
Work continues to be rough - a big part of the challenge is that starting at 6:00 I'm more or less "on". It ramps up when I get to my desk in my home office at 7:00 and then goes full tilt for a while as I rush to deal with any changes for the current day. Last night the railway didn't show up at all which threw a big wrench into things planning-wise. Fortunately doesn't affect today's activities at the plant to speak of. And of course my first gut reaction is to keep it all simple and cautious which isn't the way my boss works, so my first suggestion of doing minimal adjustments was tossed out. I had to go back, look at tank levels, calculate production rates, figure out what else might happen tomorrow night as part of forward planning for Friday.
I just got back my draft analysis from my boss - who already knows the answers because of his experience - here's what I deal with. I had suggested we could load 3 cars of Chemical X and one of chemical Y (no we don't make little girls with super powers here)
"If we have 2 cars of xxx now and loading 1 today and if only making 1 car a day leaves with you 2 to load tomorrow, however what makes this correct is our plan to increase xxx production today while we unload the yy car and keep it there until we have enough to load the 3 X xxx cars on Thurs"
My brain hurts. Now I have to communicate this to the railway and plant staff in ways that are tailored for each of them so that they know what they need to do to make this happen.
My boss starts at 5:00 so has a 2 hour head-start and it's tough to catch up. And today he started earlier than usual.
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In other news, I noticed a cousin of mine had posted on social media that he had gotten his COVID shot. He's roughly in the same demographic as I am and so I checked and they have dropped the age eligibility which I had thought was 65 down to 40. So I'm on the waiting list for the AstraZeneca vaccine which is what is being distributed to my group / area. It's also possible that I'll get the Indian variation of this COVISHIELD. I do have some worries that we'll be organized enough to do the second dose when that time comes to.
There's been a "lot" of political fall-out for the apparent sudden turn in conditions here in Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan. I'm glad that I'm not in that hot-seat. One thing I learned about politics is that you will get blasted no matter what you do so it's a gig for those with tougher skin than I've got.
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Nothing too much else going on. I am hoping to take some more "me" time this weekend. The abandoned house next door has been purchased by one of the contractors who lives in the village and he and his son are working on it. They said that they hoped to have it on the market within 4-6 months and are presumably doing the minimum to it. They have a very large dumpster and probably will have to empty it quite a few times. I would be hesitant about buying a house that was so badly fire damaged but if the price is right they can probably find a buyer. I've mentioned to them that I am open to selling the part of my property behind the house which is pretty much unusable but would give their house a huge back-yard instead of the tiny one it has now. Not sure they'll take me up on it but it may become something when the house goes up for sale.
Talked to a friend / neighbour the other day about dating and my lack of current interest in it. She's not too surprised given both my poor luck and also what she has heard from single friends. She also has heard lots of stories about people who represent themselves one way and turn out to be something different. "Mirroring" is a well known dating strategy after all. I joked that "likes long walks" was not going to be one I believed again and she suggested asking to see their shoes to see if they were worn down at all
Her own daughters have no interest in dating either - just "not worth the bother" for them. They are both in the mid/late 20s and went to school with my kids.
Like with myself and then wife, she and her husband have talked as couple will about if they would date if anything happened to the other partner. I know that I had been pretty sure that I would have remained single if my wife had passed on as was she - the joke being made that neither of us had the energy to try training a new partner from scratch. In fact I can clearly recall her saying that when in fact she was in the middle of her affair. I expect that's a common feeling at least before the rubber hits the road as it were. There's no way to know what was going through her mind at the time - I'm presuming she was figuring she could have her fling and keep me too - but then got in too deep. I could certainly see OM putting the pressure on her to leave and from what little my snooping back in the day revealed, along with some things she said upon discovery, that may well have been the case.
Thinking about that just now it perhaps makes it more likely that she did in fact have other prior affairs given that she had the confidence that she would have me and her fling. No way to know for sure. Undoubtedly she would deny that just like as far as I'm aware she denies still having had the affair that has led to her and OM sharing a house that quite possibly I'm paying for. OM at least got his "nurse with a purse" - at least for another 34 months I believe when I stop paying.
When I first found out that my wife was wanting to leave, I clung desperately to the idea of "fixing" whatever had gone wrong so badly to cause her to want to leave. Then after I found out about OM, I did my best to "win her back" which probably was a huge ego boost to her. Then I just felt hollow but became open to the idea of finding someone to fill that empty spot. Fortunately that didn't happen and I like to think I was more or less healed and complete when I started actively dating - but with the intent of finding a partner to walk this journey alongside. B in some ways was a decent choice. Appropriate age, kids somewhat independent, self-confident, kind. Her desire to turn me into a version of her ex, her reluctance to let go of him as well, my difficulty adapting to the type of life she wanted to lead, her dislike of the house and cats plus some assorted baggage with one of her kids that was unresolved made it unworkable. One of the problems that I need to own is my own difficulty in actively sharing "my" space. Particularly the kitchen. Another was my difficulty in adapting to a lifestyle that was foreign to me. I'm not a "go to the cottage" kind of guy and that was her whole life especially in the summer.
S on the other hand was just trouble from the beginning. The way she jumped right in as soon as she heard that B had left, mirroring my interests, the intensity with which she pushed herself into my life was overwhelming. Add on a combination of controlling behaviour along with a refusal to contribute or take ownership of building anything was difficult. She had the whole DARVO technique down pat. Anything I wanted to do got immediate pushback. Even when we were dating but talking about a future, she got upset at me for buying new dishes that she herself suggested were decent when I asked. Tears, "you never listen to me", "my ex never liked my dishes" - goes along that path. It worked for a while - although I did buy the dishes - but it eventually just made me angry when I would see her trot out that script time and time again. I also recall once when she was out for lunch with her STBX and I was in the same restaurant a few years ago, her ignoring him to catch up / chat with me several tables away. She must have had her eye on me for quite a while.
Ah well - if I examine my entrails too long, they look like sausages I suppose and nobody wants to watch sausage get made.
I joked that "likes long walks" was not going to be one I believed again and she suggested asking to see their shoes to see if they were worn down at al
Hahaha, genius!
He usually hangs out for about an hour and then goes off to rest having done his part to start my day.
Have you thought of getting Monty one of those toys that automatically does a laser pointer for them to chase?
the joke being made that neither of us had the energy to try training a new partner from scratch. In fact I can clearly recall her saying that when in fact she was in the middle of her affair.
It's the duplicity of affairs that gets me the most. It's some kind of serious character defect that allows someone to lie to unabashedly.
As for work - it's expanding to take up entirely too much time. What can you do about this? Insist on an assistant? Demand a raise? Or take a different role in the company that provides a better lifestyle? It may well be that replacing what the boss used to do is simply too much for one person. Or the system is simply too haphazard to continue under anyone else and needs to be more automated.
I'm glad you're eligible for a vaccine. Don't worry too much about the second dose - most vaccines that we give for other things, the second dose is fine any time between 2 and 6 months. We obviously would like to stick to the timeline that was studied, especially in the middle of a pandemic, but a delay in the second dose isn't too much of a problem - this is why they have discussed simply giving everyone a first dose then going back to get the second doses. (Not being done in the US, but it's a valid concept to stop an outbreak).
Talked to a friend / neighbour the other day about dating and my lack of current interest in it. She's not too surprised given both my poor luck and also what she has heard from single friends. She also has heard lots of stories about people who represent themselves one way and turn out to be something different. "Mirroring" is a well known dating strategy after all. I joked that "likes long walks" was not going to be one I believed again and she suggested asking to see their shoes to see if they were worn down at all
Is it bad luck or poor decision making? Next time take some time to get to know someone before you shack up with them. Eventually their true colors will shine through and you can adjust accordingly.
Like with myself and then wife, she and her husband have talked as couple will about if they would date if anything happened to the other partner. I know that I had been pretty sure that I would have remained single if my wife had passed on as was she - the joke being made that neither of us had the energy to try training a new partner from scratch. In fact I can clearly recall her saying that when in fact she was in the middle of her affair. I expect that's a common feeling at least before the rubber hits the road as it were. There's no way to know what was going through her mind at the time - I'm presuming she was figuring she could have her fling and keep me too - but then got in too deep. I could certainly see OM putting the pressure on her to leave and from what little my snooping back in the day revealed, along with some things she said upon discovery, that may well have been the case.
I lot of time has passed for you to be still speculating.
Thinking about that just now it perhaps makes it more likely that she did in fact have other prior affairs given that she had the confidence that she would have me and her fling. No way to know for sure. Undoubtedly she would deny that just like as far as I'm aware she denies still having had the affair that has led to her and OM sharing a house that quite possibly I'm paying for. OM at least got his "nurse with a purse" - at least for another 34 months I believe when I stop paying.
Andy she was likely planning her exit for many years prior.
Then I just felt hollow but became open to the idea of finding someone to fill that empty spot.
Until you are able to fill that yourself you will likely continue to make bad and desperate choices.
Fortunately that didn't happen and I like to think I was more or less healed and complete when I started actively dating - but with the intent of finding a partner to walk this journey alongside.
I am pretty sure you are still not healed.
B in some ways was a decent choice.
You say this
Her desire to turn me into a version of her ex, her reluctance to let go of him as well, my difficulty adapting to the type of life she wanted to lead, her dislike of the house and cats plus some assorted baggage with one of her kids that was unresolved made it unworkable.
And then this. Are those statement congruent?
I'm not a "go to the cottage" kind of guy and that was her whole life especially in the summer.
WTF?????
S on the other hand was just trouble from the beginning.
So what did you do? Got engaged and moved her and her circus in your house
The way she jumped right in as soon as she heard that B had left, mirroring my interests, the intensity with which she pushed herself into my life was overwhelming.
See above
Add on a combination of controlling behaviour along with a refusal to contribute or take ownership of building anything was difficult. She had the whole DARVO technique down pat. Anything I wanted to do got immediate pushback. Even when we were dating but talking about a future, she got upset at me for buying new dishes that she herself suggested were decent when I asked. Tears, "you never listen to me", "my ex never liked my dishes" - goes along that path. It worked for a while - although I did buy the dishes - but it eventually just made me angry when I would see her trot out that script time and time again. I also recall once when she was out for lunch with her STBX and I was in the same restaurant a few years ago, her ignoring him to catch up / chat with me several tables away.
See above
She must have had her eye on me for quite a while.
Your'e a mark Andy. You have to change your way of thinking.
I had suggested we could load 3 cars of Chemical X and one of chemical Y (no we don't make little girls with super powers here)"
If we have 2 cars of xxx now and loading 1 today and if only making 1 car a day leaves with you 2 to load tomorrow, however what makes this correct is our plan to increase xxx production today while we unload the yy car and keep it there until we have enough to load the 3 X xxx cars on Thurs" My brain hurts.
Mine too, lol. I tried to make sense of this. You have 2 "X" chemical cars and 1 "Y" chemical cars and you can load/unload 1 car per day, so you wanted to send 3 "X" cars and 1 "Y" car at the end of the day.
His plan is to unload the "Y" chemical car today and load the "X" chemical car tomorrow, so you send 3 "X" cars and 0 "Y" cars tomorrow but have more capacity for future "X" cars since "X" production is increasing?
If that's half right, I see what you mean about simplicity vs optimization.
My boss starts at 5:00 so has a 2 hour head-start and it's tough to catch up. And today he started earlier than usual.
Andrew, I get the problems are interesting, but I'd echo the question if you want your life to be like his. There are many routes to comfortable living that don't require so many hours. My parents work 12-hour days together. Combined, they make a bit more than I do, but I work 6-8hr days. They were disappointed they couldn't find me or anyone competent (read: w/ college-level engineering classes) to take over the business. I considered it. Besides our issues, it's just not worth it for me. I want to enjoy my life. I want to spend time with my family.
"Mirroring" is a well known dating strategy after all. I joked that "likes long walks" was not going to be one I believed again and she suggested asking to see their shoes to see if they were worn down at all
Love it! You know I've been hoodwinked on that, too. LH's and Deja's comments hit home that we should take time to build trust before we get to some all-in state. Back when I dated MsOneMonth (38F) last year, I believed she enjoyed hiking and camping because she "enjoyed" our 2nd date which was a 1-mile walk and picnic where she said, "Being in nature is like communing with God to me," and on our 3rd date she "enjoyed" a walk on the beach before we had sex for the first time. It was only when I planned a 30-60min hike for our first flight away that she revealed she hated hiking and had terrible blisters from both attempts. It eventually comes out. Don't invest too much. (:
One of the problems that I need to own is my own difficulty in actively sharing "my" space.
Yes! When my ex-GF moved in, I had problems sharing my space. For me, it was that too many objects held emotional weight. I've had a chance to process most of those de-cluttering my home but doubtless have more work. to do.
As for work - it's expanding to take up entirely too much time. What can you do about this? Insist on an assistant? Demand a raise? Or take a different role in the company that provides a better lifestyle? It may well be that replacing what the boss used to do is simply too much for one person. Or the system is simply too haphazard to continue under anyone else and needs to be more automated.
We're caught in a catch 22 - too busy to train and bring someone else on to help reduce the load. I'm currently the only trainee they have room for - and even with that I'm just chucked off the deep end a lot of the time.
"Mirroring" is a well known dating strategy after all. I joked that "likes long walks" was not going to be one I believed again and she suggested asking to see their shoes to see if they were worn down at all
Love it! You know I've been hoodwinked on that, too. LH's and Deja's comments hit home that we should take time to build trust before we get to some all-in state. Back when I dated MsOneMonth (38F) last year, I believed she enjoyed hiking and camping because she "enjoyed" our 2nd date which was a 1-mile walk and picnic where she said, "Being in nature is like communing with God to me," and on our 3rd date she "enjoyed" a walk on the beach before we had sex for the first time. It was only when I planned a 30-60min hike for our first flight away that she revealed she hated hiking and had terrible blisters from both attempts. It eventually comes out. Don't invest too much. (:
I TOTALLY agree that you should get to know each other before you get to that all in place. It takes time to get out of that "new" place where you have your guard up and you are on your best behavior (and by you I mean both people involved). You have to give it time to where you both actually start to get comfortable and get to a place where you can be be really real with each other. Using your own example, CW, I like to be outside and take leisurely strolls in any number of settings. I even like to hike a little, but my definition of hike and yours are likely VASTLY different. I want to go to a park or lake or river and stroll an easy trail and stop along the way to look at whatever interesting nature presents itself. That is hiking to me. You, CW, want to load up backpacks and climb a mountain. Now, neither of us is wrong nor are either of those things bad, but if you said you wanted to take me on a hike and I'm expecting my version of hike and get yours, well, my fat @$$ isn't going to get very far because I'll be dying on the ground because I'm not fit enough to keep up with you. As Andrew discovered with S, she claimed she liked walks, but then did it very little because of her back issues and various and sundry other reasons. My daddy says that when people show you who they are, you should believe them and it honestly takes people a little time to get comfortable enough to show you who they really are, but they do eventually.
Andrew, I'm sorry this job is so overwhelming to you. I suspect it is, in part, because you are a fixer and a perfectionist. Plus it is just a difficult job to learn all the ins and outs of and since it isn't automated, there is a lot of personal knowledge and movement of things that you haven't quite gotten down yet. You're a smart guy, though, and you'll get there. Please don't work yourself to death, though. Take some time for you and for Monty and to hang out with your son. You deserve it!
Is it bad luck or poor decision making? Next time take some time to get to know someone before you shack up with them. Eventually their true colors will shine through and you can adjust accordingly.
Funny... I thought this and some of the other exact same things you note when I first saw this. Thought about calling it out but just kept going. Nice I didn’t have to be the bad guy for a change. But it is interesting how many people chalk up bad choices and decisions as “bad luck.”
Is it bad luck or poor decision making? Next time take some time to get to know someone before you shack up with them. Eventually their true colors will shine through and you can adjust accordingly.
Funny... I thought this and some of the other exact same things you note when I first saw this. Thought about calling it out but just kept going. Nice I didn’t have to be the bad guy for a change. But it is interesting how many people chalk up bad choices and decisions as “bad luck.”
This is the problem... there is nothing bad guy about that statement. In fact, that used to be what this forum was all about... helping people see the actual reality versus their perceived reality. It is a tremendous gift really. Some embrace, some do not.
I even like to hike a little, but my definition of hike and yours are likely VASTLY different. I want to go to a park or lake or river and stroll an easy trail and stop along the way to look at whatever interesting nature presents itself. That is hiking to me. You, CW, want to load up backpacks and climb a mountain. Now, neither of us is wrong nor are either of those things bad, but if you said you wanted to take me on a hike and I'm expecting my version of hike and get yours, well, my fat @$$ isn't going to get very far because I'll be dying on the ground because I'm not fit enough to keep up with you. As Andrew discovered with S, she claimed she liked walks, but then did it very little because of her back issues and various and sundry other reasons. My daddy says that when people show you who they are, you should believe them and it honestly takes people a little time to get comfortable enough to show you who they really are, but they do eventually.
Dawn, good point, what we've taken as exaggeration could be differences in meaning. You say Andrew's S may like walks but didn't due to back issues. MsOneMonth may have liked hikes but didn't due to foot issues. I prefer your more chartable view. I bet it's how they see it themselves. I'm sure they didn't get up in the morning thinking, "Let's trick CA_Warrior & Andrew!" Yes, they did hide the pain and blisters, lol, and liked us so wanted us to like them.
If you lived nearby I would definitely go on a hike with you just for your company--I'd just do it on a rest day, lol. I am going for another hike with MsStoryTeller(62F) next week because sometimes good company trumps speed. She's doing a dry run of a nature hike with me and I love identifying flora and fauna. (:
Wasn't sure that I'd have anything to journal today but the world continues to surprise.
Work has been tough this week. I'm hoping to carve some extra "me" time out this weekend. It's a nice sunny day at present so cutting the grass and getting the clothes out on the line is on the agenda.
I slept in which was glorious until I looked at my phone. Work stuff from 2 hours previous. I just deleted 2 paragraphs where I was just getting started on the numerous details. What it boils down to is that my role is poorly defined and keeps growing. As what is essentially "middle-management" it's nice to have a purpose but practically speaking, a lot of things that stop at me really could just whizz right by. So - 1/2 hour out of my morning checking tank levels and sending instructions to people who already knew what to do.
I spent another hour or so going through various questions etc and digging into things related to my former role - which is also still my current role. I have some more things to figure out later that just look "odd" plus a few reports to do up that I just don't have time for through the week.
Made myself a decent breakfast and went through my grocery list. I'm doing my first attempt at ribs today. My ex-wife loved them and did a great job cooking them but rarely bothered. I have about 4 or 5 packages of them in the downstairs freezer that I'm working on emptying again so they are on the menu for the next while. I'm going to let them sit in the slow cooker all day. For a sauce I found one that I can make from scratch. Most instructions for cooking ribs involve slopping ketchup / commercial BBQ sauce over them. High in sodium and sugar. I found a recipe that uses pretty much basic ingredients, several of which I have to pick up. I enjoy cooking so making the sauce from scratch is no inconvenience at all - the opposite in fact. The sauce is tomato based and uses various vinegars to add a tang. It also involves something called "liquid smoke" that I've never heard of before. Rather a neat product. I'm not sure if I'll finish them off on the BBQ or not. Probably not - it's supposed to cool off and get damp later.
I've been dreaming very vividly again this past week. One night I was visited by three spectres. All women who I didn't recognize that seemed perfectly at home sleeping next to me. It was comfortable. Maybe I'm not cut out for a life of celibacy after all. Not that that is likely to change any time soon.
I have been trying to make some "me" time and have resumed working on the wooden clock that I had bought for myself for my birthday back in March. It was almost complete when I had to set it aside as being just "too much" right then. I now have it up on the wall and hope to perhaps get it running within the next week. The real question is if Monty ignores the pendulum. I think that in time he will.
In other news "20S" stopped by for a visit, to meet Monty and to tell me her news. The queen of poor choices is now in a relationship again. From what she says though this guy at least is passing the smell test with people who strongly disliked her past boyfriends. They've known each other socially for about 5 years and just started dating about 2 weeks ago. According to 20S - on their second or third date she stayed over at his place and just never left. She's expecting a ring from him as soon as his divorce from his meth addict ex is complete. They are planning on building a house together and have already signed up to get a puppy in a few months. Maybe she got lucky this time? She's going to bring him over here to be inspected some time soon AND pick up all of her stuff that has been here for years.
Well - enough for now. As much as I try to encourage the various woodland creatures, I still have to do the chores around here myself.
Yikes. Moved in less than two weeks after starting to date...expecting a ring...he’s divorcing someone...and she is only 20 years old? She’s definitely had some luck but it doesn’t sound like it is the good kind. It actually sounds like a nightmare...at least that’s how I would feel if it was my SD21. Geez Andrew... I know you live in a small town but is this normal? Maybe I am reading this wrong but you sound okay with this...even hopeful that this might be a good thing. Trust me...it is not. He has a meth addict wife? That is a HUGE red flag. While it isn’t always the case, generally birds of a feather stick together. And he let 20S move in already? Not the act of an emotionally healthy individual...on either side. Anyway...I hope I am wrong but I’d get ready for more drama in your life if I were you. Best of luck.
Word to the wise: if you use liquid smoke, use it very sparingly. A little goes a LONG way, so don’t get heavy-handed. I can’t believe you’ve never heard of it. It is a great little product, just requires precise use.
I agree with DV concerning 20s and her latest beau. What is up with people going all in with new relationships before they are divorced from their spouse? Is that a common Canadian thing or am I just way out of the loop? It could be me because I, personally, don’t think dating during separation is a good thing, but a lot of folks, my XH included, think it is no big deal. A meth addict? Well....as I used to tell my daughters, you are the company you keep.
I agree "planning marriage after 2 weeks" and "ex is a meth addict" make this sound like not the wisest pairing. That's outside your control, of course, so I wish and hope the best for your D. Meth has a reputation as a harder drug than alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, or ecstasy. It seems illegal drugs aren't a dealbreaker for her BF. I get he may not be as extreme a user as his ex, but I'd wonder if he dabbles. It's a dealbreaker for me because I have kids. It should be a dealbreaker for anyone with kids, planning on kids, or with a career that could be impacted by that.
Just to be clear, 20S is a friend who grew up with my son and at one time they were very good friends but neverromantic. "20 something" is 26, and has made a lot of poor choices in her life but is a good kid for all of that.
Not my kid, I'm just storing some of her furniture and am someoneshe trusts and is comfortable talking to. I'm thrilled that she is finally going to be picking that up.
And to be honest, I have no clue what "normal" is with relationships these days. I know of two women in their late 20s / mid 30s who moved in with a guy within months although in both those cases it ended badly.
S certainly seemed to think it odd and was very upset that I held out for 6 months. We had a number of fights about that.
Awww...that explains your lack of significant concern....lol. Yeah...as you well know, taking one’s time to get to that level of commitment is usually a better way to go. Easier to extricate yourself if it doesn’t work out. Thanks for the clarification Andrew. I was worried for a second...lol.(((HUGS)))
S certainly seemed to think it odd and was very upset that I held out for 6 months. We had a number of fights about that.
Perhaps you could share with 20s this fact, and how it turned out. That it takes time to know what you’re getting into (I’d be afraid of the meth addict ex showing up!)
Then again - say nothing, and you should be able to get her to take her stuff to new guy’s place!
train.
wreck.
are you popping corn and settling in to view the crash?
train.
wreck.
are you popping corn and settling in to view the crash?
It's sad but history so often repeats with this girl. My son wrote her off a while ago and won't respond to her calls or messages which ticks her off. He described her once - after she stored a pile of furniture here - as "a great friend when she needs you".
And yes - she seems to hop from man to man, going all in quickly. I expect that she has quite a few FOO issues.
She has a couple of good friends that do their best to look out for her and help her pick up the pieces after each disaster, mostly through the church youth group that she is involved in.
Interestingly, she tried to maintain a relationship both with me and my ex - we used to refer to her as our "surplus daughter" but my ex cut her off about a year or so ago. She used to drop in and visit with her and presumably OM regularly too. No clue why although 20S was pretty blunt to me about how she didn't think much of what was done to me.
Hello Andrew
An interesting perspective having compressed catching up on your last 4 or 5 months into the last couple of days of reading. I am glad you liked the Hasselback potatoes, and the pen story. And I’m very glad to see you doing well post relationship with S.
Your frog in the hot water analogy met with much comment; however it’s aptness to your current work environment seems more valid and applicable. People treat us as we allow them too. We teach others how to treat us. This is true for all relationships, included work and employment.
Putting on one’s oxygen mask first is valid and constructive advice. We must save ourselves before we can possible save another. It speaks to our self care and not giving of ourselves until we expire or exhaust. Good lessons for dealing with an unstable ex spouse or even an ailing company.
Your place of employment is not financial ailing, though it is seriously under staffed and you are stepping up hugely to fill in several gapping holes. I believe you are currently wearing around 3 or 4 hats. Loss of administrative staff, an engineer retired due to stress, and such. You worried and peeked into the upcoming day’s events at 2:00, 3:00, and 5:30; and then up at 6:30 to go to work. Admirable traits, and ones that are not sustainable nor effective over the long haul.
I learnt long ago that if I gave 24 hours a day, the company would want 25. It’s part of the drive to be efficient and profitable. Effective is different than efficient and actually is more profitable due to its self renewing and sustaining effects.
Over the years, I’ve given time to my employer, choosing to complete certain tasks after hours when the office is quiet and I can get much more done. A few hours here and there. However, by far my extra time is paid when it is needed. There is nothing wrong with a boundary or clarity with work expectations and renumeration. Scads of overtime, even with the pile of accompanying monies, does not buy back one’s health nor time.
When you can choose between time and money, always choose time. Like most things in life, it is more a balance and not a hard rule. Still a rather healthy tenet to follow, in my humble opinion.
Anyhow, you might want to sort out some expectations with your boss. This need not be an actual direct conversation. You can just go home and enjoy your weekend or vacation; coming back renewed and eager to jump back into the fray. We teach people how to treat us. I wonder what your boss would do...
When my guys take time off they let me know that I can reach them if needed, and I tell them to turn off the phone and unplug from work. You are on holiday, leave work at work, enjoy yourself and the life you’ve work so hard for. They return in better spirits and batteries recharged.
You know the vital business I work in. My guys are my most precious resource - I’m not in charge, I care for those in my charge. Proper after hours downtime is as necessary as work practices and safety guidelines. Otherwise people burn out and leave due to stress.
I’m not attempting to incite work unrest for you. I just see your pan of water getting hotter and hotter and you aren’t jumping. That, and I care about you my friend.
D
Happy Wednesday from a cool and damp Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan.
Rough day start to the day today. One of those days that I just wanted to turn off my alarm and stay in bed.
I just purged some long rambly text about work. I did have a talk to my boss and some co-workers and I believe they're going to cut me some slack. I have noticed that people are having some increased initiative and are being more helpful in how they are interacting with me.
One key thing that I got back from the people I talked to about how this is a struggle is that they sympathize that learning these new roles is tough enough on it's own but amazingly more so when doing it remotely.
I am really looking forward to my week off the week after next. I'll still be keeping my finger on the pulse of what is going on, but sleeping in will be nice. Given how short staffed we are I feel bad for those who have to pick up the load but I really need this break.
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Nothing much else going on. The cat and I are settling into a routine. I feel guilty that I don't spend as much time with him as he seems to want. I'm working on building a wooden clock and he's been helpful with that and when I'm working on adjusting it he helpfully swats at the pendulum but fairly quickly looses interest. I still don't have it running yet and haven't been able to figure out what's wrong. I believe that there's some friction somewhere in the parts that I need to solve.
The house next door is being worked on and I've chatted with the father/son who are working on it. It's funny encountering people who knew my ex-wife fairly well. They seem to give me a bit of a stink-eye when I first start talking to them - presumably thinking that I must be a horrible person for such a great person as my ex to have to leave. When it turns out that I'm "just this guy" they warm up a bit. I have no idea what they believe or have been told but the reality that they see must not match.
My son is supposed to stop by this afternoon to get his summer tires on - it will be nice to see him.
Well - I could write on and on and on - but not today I think.
Well, maybe you could casually drop some exculpatory information in to the conversation with the builders. Something like “Oh yeah, I built that shed the year my wife started having her affair”. Would almost be worth it to see their jaws drop, wouldn’t it?
Glad you’re getting some vacation time - too bad it’s during the lockdown. Make sure you try to plan some real relaxation into it.
Oh yeah, I built that shed the year my wife started having her affair”.
lmao!
So glad to hear you talked to your boss about reducing your workload, and that you have a weeklong vacation coming up. If you can limit how often you take the "pulse" while you're on vacation, should do wonders for your stress, and wonders for your team re-acquainting how to get things down without you there. Don't fall for the "We left everything for you" and feeling like you have to do much double-work before or after going.
I echo what kml and CW said about your vacation time. Make sure you get some actual relaxation/NON-WORK time in there. Mind you, I'm not telling you not to work on your own personal projects around the house. I'm just cautioning you to not work on work stuff. They can manage without you for a few days. I just saw a meme the other day that was talking about how one shouldn't focus so much on work because they can be replaced within a day, but people, in general, have a tendency to think that they are irreplaceable. Not so much, in most cases. Take some time for yourself to stop and smell the roses, so to speak, and to give Monty lots of attention. It's ok to NOT work when you are off. (Says the woman who checks her own work email numerous times on days off whether I'm on vacation or taking a sick day or whatever...............)
Happy frosty but sunny Saturday from Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan. There was a heavy frost last night which is common at this time of year.
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I just wanted to ramble on about attachment patterns and how a number of the ones I've witnessed / been involved in, now seem unhealthy.
I talked recently about 20S and how after the second date she moved in with her boyfriend who is currently her "true love". She is also seemingly taking over, bringing pets into the house over his objections (they live in a granny-suite in his parent's house).
Thinking back to S - from when we started talking about co-habitation, she would come over with piles of "stuff" which would be either unloaded and then reloaded or just left in her van. I expect she was confused as to why the "thinking about moving in together" wasn't "moving in together". I found it odd at the time and was annoyed at the fact that she was pushing the timeline and agenda by bringing her dog, her son etc to stay for multiple days at a time. I should have said something earlier but didn't - boiling frog who was getting some booty perhaps. I do know that when I did say something suggesting that I was surprised she was there for most of the week when we were still "just dating" she got furious, stormed out and the "lost" her engagement ring. I of course caved.
When we were "just dating", S insisted that each and every opportunity that could exist, that I was spending time with her and we would go out 3 times a week which was literally all of the time I had available. My housekeeping and gardening - things that were important to me, took a nose-dive because I just didn't have time to do any of it.
Perhaps it was her normal attachment style like with 20S to just assume that she's going to move in and take over with little pre-amble. It perhaps took as long as it did because she had been burned so very many times before, but it still was the pattern.
Going back to my now ex-wife. I stayed over the first night - not too shocking - we were in our early 20s. We had a couple of dates, I stayed over and then it seemed I was there most every night. When I questioned this, she had a story that she was scared of her downstairs neighbour and needed me there to protect her. When I got a new apartment - which had been intended to be for me, she and her cat moved in as well.
This became apparent to me - at least the similarity between S and 20S when talking to my son who knows 20S very well the other day on how similar the beginnings were.
Some may also recall how in my first interactions with "C" how she seemed to have everything mapped out and planned as well - how we were going to travel together etc.
Thinking back, I can't help but wonder if this isn't part of some sort of insecurity / controlling package. If so, is that what I attract or is it a "normal" female thing? B - the woman who I dated before S was a small bit like this, but certainly seemed happy with me doing my own thing even if a man who liked cooking, cleaning, staying home and listening to that weird jazz music was confusing. I hadn't discovered heavy metal Mongolian throat singing at that point.
Could it have been a pattern of a woman who has faced rejection and is just clinging to the first good chance they see? Something more unhealthy? Something more sinister? Is it indicative of the women that I attract? I don't know and that bothers me. I do know that women around me tend to be very protective which can slip over in to controlling fairly easily.
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Ah well - still things to do before the tea pot gets empty. Today I hope to get to the local landfill and dump the stuff that S left behind plus the usual detrius that builds up in the house over the winter. I have a leaf-bag full of shredded paper, the furnace filters that are too bulky for the usual garbage bags etc.
Last night I decided to forgo the usual Friday night zoom happy hour and sit with the cat and the Muppet Show. Smart choice I think. Early to bed with dirty dishes on the counter. Up this morning feeling rested and refreshed.
My exhaustion is getting better in part as I get more comfortable in my new role. My boss mentioned that in the past few weeks that we've moved double the usual number of railcars of product. Smaller loads though seem to have slowed down. He's been better about giving positive feedback and also some depth to the reasons for actions being taken rather than correcting me when I make the wrong choices. I'm learning the rhythm of the day with the new tasks. I still have to expand my role out more into the forward planning as my planning horizon is still only a few days out but I'm feeling pretty good that I'm getting a better feel for what the various moving parts are. Some other positive feedback from other co-workers has been nice too.
They guys on the floor are appreciating that some of the administrative things that would take them away from doing what they do best, just have to be mentioned and I take care of it. Smoothing the road for everyone including myself. We had a minor equipment failure on Friday morning. The plant let me know, I did all the follow-ups, changed the plans, made the phone calls and decisions and they could focus on fixing things. In the past they would have been interrupted constantly, keeping them from doing the job we are paying them to do and where their skills are. Middle management does have a place in this world I still believe.
I'm not as far behind with work stuff as I usually am on a Saturday morning which is nice. I still have a few things to take care of "of course". I was in to the plant after hours Friday night as there are some product quality issues I need to document and deal with that I did my fact-finding for. I also wandered along the rail line and took note of where and how the cars were placed which didn't "quite" match up with what I had expected so that was good too. My boss was there trying to catch up as well so we crossed paths and had a chat for a short while. It's good to have that personal touch.
My son is expected for dinner on Sunday so I'm going to do up another batch of ribs plus also use up last year's rhubarb with a crumble top pie. Next Sunday is Mother's Day so I'm assuming he has plans - not sure though - while I do hope that he has a healthy relationship with his mother, there's no evidence of it that is visible to me. Nothing I can do about that either way.
A bien tot mes amis
Hi Andrew,
When we were "just dating", S insisted that each and every opportunity that could exist, that I was spending time with her and we would go out 3 times a week which was literally all of the time I had available.
I found it odd at the time and was annoyed at the fact that she was pushing the timeline and agenda by bringing her dog, her son etc
I do know that when I did say something suggesting that I was surprised she was there for most of the week when we were still "just dating" she got furious, stormed out and the "lost" her engagement ring. I of course caved.
Interesting thoughts. I think these are three separate, but related things.
First, her attachment style has an anxious component, pressing to move in and protesting (losing her ring) when it isn't happening fast enough. Anxious attachment styles require more work. IMHO, a negative not a dealbreaker.
Second, her pacing is faster than yours. There's a range of reasonable paces for kissing, exclusivity, ILU, engagement. This is the one I'd most be willing to compromise on for the right person. It's temporary. My ex-GF moved in after 18mo when I would have preferred 12mo. Both reasonable. 2 weeks sounds cray-cray to me.
Third, her preference for together activities vs personal activities. To me, if your partner can't give you time to pursue your interests (housekeeping and gardening), this is a dealbreaker. This issue isn't going away with time. If compromise were possible it'd be, "Well, I need to garden. You're welcome to join me."
Could it have been a pattern of a woman who has faced rejection and is just clinging to the first good chance they see? Something more unhealthy? Something more sinister? Is it indicative of the women that I attract? I don't know and that bothers me. I do know that women around me tend to be very protective which can slip over in to controlling fairly easily.
Well, according to studies, 56% of adults have secure attachments, but only 20% of singles over 40. This applies to women and men. To me, this isn't too scary--that means 1 of 5 dates will be securely attached. Dating is a numbers game and that's not so many dates! I suspect it is baggage that drives us to be ANXIOUS or AVOIDANT. The bad news for the 80% who are ANXIOUS or AVOIDANT is they tend to attract each other. So, the trick to dating SECURE partners is to be SECURE yourself. Work through your baggage. Be happy single. (:
I was AVOIDANT when I met my ANXIOUS ex-GF of 5 years who I wronged. I was ANXIOUS when I met my last AVOIDANT ex-GF of 3.5 years who wronged me. I'd like to think I'm closer to SECURE now. This is the only time I can recall feeling happy and capable on my own and not needing a partner.
Could it have been a pattern of a woman who has faced rejection and is just clinging to the first good chance they see? Something more unhealthy? Something more sinister? Is it indicative of the women that I attract? I don't know and that bothers me. I do know that women around me tend to be very protective which can slip over in to controlling fairly easily.
The question isn’t why do they do it, but why do you ALLOW it? What is it about your boundaries and your past that makes this seem acceptable, familiar?
Andy,
This is the type of woman that you attract become you are as what’s known in the poker world is a “mark”. Everyone good poker player knows who the mark is and takes all his money. Do you blame it on the good poker players for taking his money? No it’s up to the mark to either not play or get better. You either need to stop dating or get better at spotting these women who take advantage of you. Instead of posting a 5000 word essay about your work day start reading up on attraction and boundaries. No one will ever say or do to you that you don’t allow them to.
I know you’ll ignore me but I am trying to help a fellow Canadian.
Andrew,
Don't hold your breath on S20 moving her stuff out of your home. I would be very much surprised if her current boyfriend is going to put up with her and her behavior of gently pushing things along.
As for the stuff that S left...good for you for taking it to the dump. You are getting your house back in order.
I hope that you and Monty have a pleasant weekend.
Could it have been a pattern of a woman who has faced rejection and is just clinging to the first good chance they see? Something more unhealthy? Something more sinister? Is it indicative of the women that I attract? I don't know and that bothers me. I do know that women around me tend to be very protective which can slip over in to controlling fairly easily.
The question isn’t why do they do it, but why do you ALLOW it? What is it about your boundaries and your past that makes this seem acceptable, familiar?
Kml for the win
I know you’ll ignore me but I am trying to help a fellow Canadian.
What he said.
BTW, LH did you move your tent to a village across the border??
How's your vacation week going? Manage to get vaccinated yet?
How's your vacation week going? Manage to get vaccinated yet?
I got my first shot of the AZ/Covishield vaccine last week. Despite the concerns, I'll probably choose that as my second dose when available. The science seems solid to booster with the same formula.
Nothing much going on here - little to report in on.
Last day of vacation. It's been good. I've de-stressed a bit and slept in which is glorious. I was pleased that work never felt any particular urgent need to reach out to me. There were a couple of minor things that popped up that I looked into. There were a number of fairly big things that I'm sure were major headaches at the plant.
I've been getting some back spasms all week so have - for me - taken things easy. Went on a couple of longer hikes in some of the local nature areas we are so very fortunate to have. We are still under a now extended stay-home order here so adventures farther afield weren't an option. When the spasms happen I just move very carefully and they pass. I've had these for a long time off and on so I just need to let them pass. Every now and then I'll get a big one that will throw my back out for about 6 weeks.
When I walk, it's usually good thinking time. I'm not one of those who listens to music or podcasts when walking so lots of thinking happens. For good or for ill, more and more I'm having difficulty imagining having someone else under this roof with me. S must really have done a number on my ability to be open and trusting. For a while during one of my walks I gave some brain space to "what if" my ex and OM broke up. That's a person who I lived with for 26 years more or less harmoniously. Nope - definite nope for several bucket loads of reasons. Even dating seems like too much effort although the loneliness has bumped up this past week as I lost even the usual human interaction with people from work. Oddly though too - I felt pretty much zero need to reach out to anyone and so didn't.
I've not heard anything from or about S since we parted. I had a talk to the post-office the other day and let them know that they could just reject any mail that comes here for her. It's been 6 months after-all. There's only one thing that has come in recent times. I did have a laugh when I popped my head around and saw the back-side of the PO boxes. My ex-wife's name is still on mine.
I did have an odd interaction yesterday with a neighbour who I rarely see. I was working on my shed and she yelled over a "hello" from her back yard so I wandered over to visit. She has an 11 month-old who I last saw shortly after she was born. We caught up on the news - she was very sad for me that my last relationship didn't work out for me and assured me that "true love" will find me. I think she's struggling a bit with the lockdowns - hasn't seen her family for a while. Her husband and mother-in-law are - to say the least - not social people - and I think that's hard on her. She said she's going to get a second job - she's a nurse - just to get out more. She suggested that I join her on her lunch-time walks with her little one but I dodged that. I'm sure everything is all innocent but don't want to even provide the appearance of impropriety. She did come over and harvest some rhubarb from my garden (ah - I miss doodler) and said that she'll bring me a piece of pie.
I did find it odd as well that a bit later her mother-in-law came over to ask about what she'd heard that I was looking at selling part of my property and that she was interested in it as well. Perhaps a full de-brief was held?
Ah well - yeah - nothing much going on. I'll maybe get some plants today for my flower beds. Should be a nice quiet weekend too as many of my weekend chores have already been done. Then back into the harness sometime Sunday to start the planning for Monday for the plant.
Well. That was a surprise.
I fell apart yesterday. A song came on the radio that had all the memories flooding back. We were a "singing" family. Not that we were especially talented, but we would all sing along to the songs on the radio, especially on a road trip. This was one of those songs that was a regular rotation.
It's been 2 years since I've seen my daughter and about a month since I've seen my son. Not too sure why on the latter. I do kind of wonder if perhaps he's in a bubble with his mother now which is fine. I've not fallen apart like that in a "very" long time.
I had seen some Facebook memories yesterday from 5 years ago when I was frantically trying to save my marriage despite knowing about my wife's affair and saw the references by me of "my sweetie" which is one of the many pet names I had for her.
The memories of "what was" and the loss of that was just too much for me.
Divorce - the gift that keeps giving.
I had been in the middle of doing the laundry so just said to heck with it and left it in the drier. Popped an old movie (Hornblower starring Gregory Peck) into the TV and chilled. Sat outside later with a bonfire and watched the fireworks going off at the park behind me. Stayed up a bit late, drank some beer and slept in this morning. Still can't quite shake it.
I have some work I need to do today - our rail situation is just a mess right now and needs to be sorted out today. I was on the phone to the railway for quite a while - they were planning on sending in some cars to spots that already have cars on them. I was in to the plant on Friday and there's some follow-ups I need to get underway about some issues I investigated. They're starting to push me to go in to the plant regularly - makes sense but the commuting time will pull from the time I don't have.
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With all that said, the past is gone and it was a different country. I don't live there any more. I cannot imagine any future where I would get back together with my ex - not that she's ever shown any signs of being interested. I've not heard from or about her in years. I expect that she's kept tabs on me although I've not caught her lurking in the shrubberies lately. That was pretty funny.
I had been in the middle of doing the laundry so just said to heck with it and left it in the drier. Popped an old movie (Hornblower starring Gregory Peck) into the TV and chilled. Sat outside later with a bonfire and watched the fireworks going off at the park behind me. Stayed up a bit late, drank some beer and slept in this morning. Still can't quite shake it.
Good job with the self care!
I imagine it’s not that you miss your ex, but that you’re lonely during this lockdown, and miss being part of a family unit. I think it’s especially difficult for single people living alone during this pandemic - the normal things you would do to hang out with friends has not been available.
I wouldn’t assume your son is in a bubble with his mom. He seems to have been kind of a loner throughout. He might be afraid of bringing the virus to either of you if he’s not vaccinated yet. He might be struggling with depression. Just keep reaching out, even if you don’t always hear back. I text funny cartoons and songs to my kids on a group text and that does help keep everybody connected.
Good Morning Andrew
The flood of memories sometimes spills out as tears. A pretty healthy response my friend. After all, it wasn’t 27 years of all bad. In fact most of it was good.
Accepting what could have been is one thing. Memories of what was, is quite another. I miss those road trips too, a van full of kids singing, talking, fighting
, such good and blessed times. And so fleeting from this vantage point. Accept the happy memories, cry over them, and cherish them.
If it is to be, in time you and I will be Grandpa Andrew and Grandpa DnJ. Imagine that! This period of life would become nevermore; yet another in the memories of the past.
With all that said, the past is gone and it was a different country. I don't live there any more.
I do empathize.
If I may, the past isn’t gone, for it lives within you and your kids.
We all deal with our memory lane travels. For most of us, we limit those trips right after our life’s upheaval. Those wanderings are painful and so very easy to get lost upon such a journey. And during that time, we need to place our focus elsewhere.
However, eventually, we are well healed and those happy times beckon. Take a short trip every now and then; a purposeful visit to your happy past. Like anything, it gets easier and easier with practice and exposure.
In our journey of healing and living our full lives, we need to let go of a great many things to find acceptance. This is not one of them. Embracing our past is the path to acceptance. (Counterintuitive alert: Letting go is a part of embracing. You are right where you need to be to move forward.)
I cannot imagine any future where I would get back together with my ex - not that she's ever shown any signs of being interested.
I think there is much left unsaid within your statement. Feelings and thoughts lurking within you.
You have an excellent imagination, and I suspect you can come up with several (or at least one) scenario in which a reconciliation is possible. Be clear, possible; probability is different. Although the odds are not zero, they are most likely rather long.
What about this thought:
I cannot imagine any future where I would
want to get back together with my ex. Yes/no/maybe? For me, I can imagine the “how” that would be need to happen for me to date my XW and explore if her and I have any remaining chemistry or spark. (Rather long odds of that coming to pass.)
Or:
“not that she's ever shown any signs of being interested”. True, she would need to display many signs and consistent behaviours, and more than just being interested.
Acceptance of the what could have been gets tangled up in the acceptance of the what was. Our future is built upon our past. We seldom take a completely new direction with who we are. For like it or not, our feelings and thoughts, our lives, are influenced by our slow to change deeply held beliefs and values. A man who has been responsible and carrying will remain so. Embrace it. Accept it.
I’m coming up on four year, and I still miss XW and our times together. I no longer pine for her, nor waste my days lost in sorrow. I do visit my, our, and my family, past. It does not detract from my present life; it is part of it. Part of a great life is one’s great past. Accept it.
All with a good helping of forgiveness as well - most importantly for ourselves.
D
Your post prompted 2 responses immediately in my mind: the first was an empathetic hug. (((Andrew))) I think memories are always going to be something that can trigger a deeply emotional reaction and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I would imagine it is something we all deal with in varying degrees from time to time. All those experiences are part and parcel of who you are now and shape how you see the world and how you interact with it. Lean into it and don't beat yourself up too much about it. Sometimes a good, deep, emotional cry can really help clear things out and give you a new perspective that opens you up to new possibilities and brighter days.
Second response: Andrew .STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP speculating about what your XW is up to and if she is thinking about you. You give her far too much time and space in your brain and that can't be healthy. You get a lot of exercise jumping to conclusions about how she is and what she might or might not be up to and it just doesn't matter. Live your best life and try to think of her as nothing but a distant memory...just someone you used to know. Also, your son's lack of presence lately could just as likely be about any number of things OTHER than his being in a bubble with his mother, so get that out of your head too. Again, you spend way too much time speculating about such things. And, honestly, so what if he is in a bubble with her? She IS his mother? Surely you wouldn't begrudge your child a relationship with his mother, if he so chooses to have one, right? If you want to see him, REACH OUT TO HIM. Don't put the onus on him to just know when you want to hang out. When S lived with you, it didn't seem like a big deal to go for a period of time without seeing him, but now, in the throes of an emotional episode, you blame it on his mother. Don't do that. He's an adult. You all are on a lockdown situation. There may be a million reasons why you haven't seen him and his mother may not even make the top 500,000 of those million reasons.
What's that old saying about holding on to resentments is like letting someone live rent-free in your brain? Stop letting your XW live there rent-free. Baby, you need to thing of yourself as a luxury high-rise and she can't afford space in that powerful brain of yours, so kick her out.
I know, I know...easy for me to say. If I learned anything from the counseling I went through after my D, it was to not dwell on what could've been, what might've been, what should've been. Again with the old adages, but it is so true: don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened. You had good times, you loved her once, you have 2 amazing kids to show for it. Take those good moments and try to leave the bad ones in the past. It is ok to be happy with the direction you are headed now and you don't owe your XW anything, so quit letting her occupy so much of your brain space. You deserve better!
You should remove last names from posts, Dawn, this is a public forum
Andrew notified me of the last name appearing, so I have removed it.
You should remove last names from posts, Dawn, this is a public forum
It was an honest mistake and one that I feel bad for. No need to pile on. I didn't even realize I had done it until Andrew reached out to me privately and I apologized. I wasn't deliberately trying to out him, just got carried away in what I was saying and didn't think about it.
{{{{Andrew}}}}
Expunge the ex
Focus on the present.
Listen, I get it. I'm going through so much right now and feel so very alone it's overwhelming and so very easy to think back. I was triggered in a major way Saturday and started a crying jag that went on for 45 minutes. Thankfully it started about 30 minutes before a scheduled therapy session and continued for the first 15 minutes ... in my case I know why I'm triggered. There's a lot going on here and it's natural to feel alone and lonely and think that things would be different if my marriage was still intact.
But I just had a very stressful text exchange with my ex. It started over a bill he was supposed to pay months ago. Now our son is in collections because it wasn't paid. Nothing new there. Then the questions about how our son is doing -- communication between them is non existent because our son is done and his counselor is on board with that. Son is in crisis, ex coming to me for info. It became clear that ex either isn't listening to what our son is saying or doesn't want to hear it. Then after putting me in the middle - or trying to - he told me not to interfere. Are you effing kidding me? I'm the one who has said for YEARS to stop triangulating and putting me in the middle ... this is reality. This is what happens with these people. They cannot accept personal responsibility for their actions. They pass the buck. They deflect. They justify. We are better off not having to share our lives with the reality and it's a good thing to be reminded of what they are really like every once in a while. I apologize - this isn't all about me. Hope you can parse what I'm trying to say here.
Grief is not linear. Sometimes it creeps up on us on silent feet, taking us unawares. The fact that we feel grief means we are capable of love. Feel it, release it. Let it go. Hope you feel better today.
Thanks all. Yes - it does seem that I continue to give an inappropriate amount of brain-space to my ex-wife. She invades my dreams even. Very likely a product of the loneliness.
just got carried away in what I was saying and didn't think about it.
((Dawn)) You've got a big heart Dawn and aren't afraid to use it <3
We are better off not having to share our lives with the reality and it's a good thing to be reminded of what they are really like every once in a while. I apologize - this isn't all about me. Hope you can parse what I'm trying to say here.
Grief is not linear. Sometimes it creeps up on us on silent feet, taking us unawares. The fact that we feel grief means we are capable of love. Feel it, release it. Let it go. Hope you feel better today.
Thanks bttrfly. You always seem to know the right words to use that capture the essence of things. I'm so sorry that you continue to be slogging through the crap. Your son is very fortunate to have you, your compassion and your strength in his corner. I hope the wee chooks are doing well.
You are absolutely correct and thank you so much for reminding me. Grief is not linear. I remember back in the day when I was on the emotional roller-coaster of highs and lows. The dip would often surprise me and it would take a long time to climb back out. It's going to be a process. I'm trying to up my self-care, going for walks in the woods and working in the garden. My bleeding hearts are at peak right now and they give me joy. They were actually here when we bought the house 30+ years ago and keep thriving. My tomato plant has a tiny flower on it and the morning glory - also known as bindweed - is just about to start climbing up the trellis. I picked and froze the last of this year's rhubarb this past weekend. I should have enough for 3 or 4 pies.
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Well - if I can persuade the cat to let me - he wants cuddles - I have to get tomorrow's plan ready for the plant and find the bottom of my inbox. It's technically a holiday here today but the plant keeps running. We just lost another engineer and one of the assistants this past week to higher paying jobs so there's no rest for the wicked.
Going to call it cosmic harmonic random co-incidences.
My son called me up yesterday afternoon, came over for dinner bringing pizza and we had a very nice visit for about 4 hours. The last time he called was on New Years Eve when he'd locked his keys in his car.
If there are random lurkers who encouraged things along - thanks. It made my day a lot better.
Yay for universal intervention! I'm glad you had a good visit and pizza with your son. Isn't it amazing how things just right themselves sometime?
I totally agree with your comments to bttrfly. She has quite the knack for saying EXACTLY the right thing.
My son called me up yesterday afternoon, came over for dinner bringing pizza and we had a very nice visit for about 4 hours. The last time he called was on New Years Eve when he'd locked his keys in his car.
Glad there was a happy ending! Grief isn't linear. So true! WIth COVID isolation, and given how long you two were together, it's going to take a long time before your mind stops conjuring her up on occasion.
I picked up some meat at my favourite butcher shop last night and BBQ'd up a small steak for myself. Grrrr - my metal spatula that I use is also gone.
I'll probably need to go through all the seasons to determine the entirety of what S took with her.
My son had me pick up some soup bones and sausages for him and I've invited him to dinner tonight - not sure if he'll come or not. I'm making what he refers to as my "meat-lump". They come out loaf shaped now because I invested in a proper meat-loaf pan as a Christmas present to myself. If he comes I'll throw another couple of potatoes into the pot for him.
Work has been crazy busy and looks like it's going to get busier. A major competitor just had a court order against them that has shut their plant down for the present. I've been requested to go in to the plant regularly now so that I can keep a better eye on things and improve communications. I hope my bow ties still fit - not so sure about the trousers. The new weight I've gained is proving stubborn.
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When I go "in to town" I drive right past my ex-wife's house which I found originally because she has a very unique vehicle. Oddly, I've not seen it there for probably several weeks now. Speculation could be done but really has no purpose. I send her the monthly payment via electronic transfer so where she's living has no bearing on the only connection or obligation I have. Yes Dawn - I shouldn't even notice or keeping track of her whereabouts or comings and goings. It's like I joke - I keep sending her money every month and she continues to stay away
I have been putting some thought into the past two relationships I had, and at least with B, some of the things that bothered me certainly were petty in hind-sight. S26 has mentioned a couple of times that he really liked B - there were a number of positives about her, along with the negatives and the numerous factors that meant that we were incompatible. The fact that I glossed over so much with S, including many things that I should not have, was perhaps too much the other way but it was also a massive source of stress for me.
The kitchen in many ways is a key area that if I ever to cohabit with someone will be the area that I need to be able to share. On the other hand, there is no queue at my door of people wanting to cook in that kitchen so not something I need to worry about.
Well - enough for now. I have a loaf of bread that needs another hour to finish rising then it goes into the oven so I'm going to go for a wander around the village on a nice sunny Sunday. I have a couple of hours of work to do to get ready for Monday's loads. I have a special order that I hope to fit in early in the week so much adding and multiplication will be done.
I'm making what he refers to as my "meat-lump". They come out loaf shaped now because I invested in a proper meat-loaf pan as a Christmas present to myself.
I'm curious how you make your meat lumps! My kids don't enjoy store-bought meatloaf but they enjoy mine. I suspect we do the same thing--a higher ratio of meat to bread. You edge mine out with the fancy pan!
Yes Dawn - I shouldn't even notice or keeping track of her whereabouts or comings and goings. Speculation could be done but really has no purpose.
It would be hard NOT to notice if you drive right by. It's 10yrs later and I usually if there's a different car parked in my ex-wife's space. Not caring or speculating what it means is the key I think. (:
at least with B, some of the things that bothered me certainly were petty in hind-sight. I glossed over so much with S, including many things that I should not have, was perhaps too much the other way
Great introspection. We often make our ex's into villains. They're usually not! S, maybe, is an exception lol.
I'm curious how you make your meat lumps! My kids don't enjoy store-bought meatloaf but they enjoy mine. I suspect we do the same thing--a higher ratio of meat to bread. You edge mine out with the fancy pan!
The special pan with the lift-out insert makes a big difference. I also use smaller silcone pans to make single-sized meat-loaves that I cook in my toaster oven. They are nice because the loaves just pop out.
I don't use bread crumbs in mine but use rolled oats instead. I also add in two eggs which helps bind the mixture together. Pretty much all the measuring etc is done by feel.
Oddly - this is something I added post divorce - my ex-wife rarely made meatloaf although she did also own one of the specialized pans - which left with her. I'd not made it prior. I mostly did stews and roasts cooking pretty much only on Saturdays to give her a break from being a domestic diva. Her go-to was pasta with store-bought sauce which I got heartily sick of. She was a very good cook when she put the effort in. I have a lot more sympathy for her ever since having to cook for S and her boys drove it home how hard it is to come up with a creative healthy meal that people will eat each and every day.
Her go-to was pasta with store-bought sauce which I got heartily sick of. I have a lot more sympathy for her ever since having to cook for S and her boys drove it home how hard it is to come up with a creative healthy meal that people will eat each and every day.
Oh, Andrew, I hear you on the difficulties of making food kids will eat week after week that includes protein and vegetables.. but was she regularly serving you dried pasta with prego/ragu sauce and those jars of parmesan?! I sense a chef in you. I hope you never "marry down" that far again, lol.
More seriously, while a white takes minutes to whip up, I feel her on red sauces. It takes me a good hour to match an $8 jar of Rao's, which can be dressed up with fresh pasta, herbs/spices, flavorful vegetables and proteins, cheeses, etc.
Thanks for the meatloaf tips. I'll give rolled oats a shot to start!
What a week it's been. We're now up to 2 of our competitors that are out of commission for various reasons. One has actually gone to the point of declaring force majure and the other is quietly buying from us to sell on.
An interesting thing about this business is how inter-connected it all is - I swear - some days it seems we're buying and selling from each other more than shipping to an end customer
It is nice though to work in an industry where on one hand we compete on price, delivery and product while at the same time if one of us is a bit short, the others can step up and help us out. Right now we're running the plant flat out and trying to figure out how we'll fulfil the orders we have.
I was in to the plant for 2 days this past week and will probably go to 3 next week and keep it there for a while. Very different working on site than remotely. I work better with the guys on site but have a lot more distractions. Having a good rapport with the people who actually do the work though is an important thing and I think that despite being "the guy in the bow tie", that being there has helped humanize me.
The cat on the other hand is upset and confused about where "Dad" has vanished to when I get home and does need extra attention.
A lot of the things that used to overwhelm or confuse me are now becoming second nature which is good. I still have a long way to go though.
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I'd been suffering from very vivid dreams about my ex-wife - the usual script is that she tries to charm her way in using all the old buttons that used to work for her. I did see her car the other day in the middle of a weekday in her drive when I popped "in to town" to pick up something I'd ordered from a local company - I don't know if she's working right now or not - not my circus. As I joke, I just keep sending the cheques and she keeps staying away
I'm well past half-way on that commitment.
20S came by the other day and actually took about 1/2 her stuff. I overheard a conversation between her and her BF where he was trying to tell her that he was feeling overwhelmed. Given that her approach seems to be very similar to S where she quickly goes all in and rolls forward on her own path, I have a certain amount of sympathy for him. Hopefully it's something they figure out but from what I saw, 20S was very dismissive of his concerns. A scenario I remember well.
This weekend I hope to do my annual "visit the relatives" - the lilacs are at peak right now and I usually take a few out to leave on their graves. I do have to follow up on my own plot. I had contacted the cemetery a while ago but the guy who manages the plots was in the middle of a difficult calving season and asked if I could wait. I assured him that I felt fine and was in no urgent need of a plot.
My son did stop by for a short while last Sunday afternoon and dropped off some ice cream from the plant he works at. "Tahitian Vanilla Bean" which I'd never had before. He knows that my favourite flavour is vanilla and I made sure to tell him later how much I enjoyed this after I tried it after dinner.
I'm still trying to balance the difficulties I have in being lonely with the other side of not wanting to be buried. I'm reminded again about that chapter in the Bible about not hiding your light under a bushel
Take heed therefor that the light which is in thee be not darkness. I had a nice chat the other day with one of my sisters-in-law about how I don't want to lose my ability to trust, but also need to be wary of those who would take advantage of that trust.
One thing that this new role at work has certainly reinforced though is the old adage
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. In my role, and in my personality, I'm a planner. I figure things out, the right paths to take. But - a railcar in the wrong spot, a hose that springs a leak, a truck that gets stuck in traffic, it can all derail the best of plans in a moment. I'm learning adaptability if not agility. A trick that at 57 is a bit challenging for this old dog.
I need to continue to be open to the gifts that are offered to me and grateful for them. I also need to leave some of those gifts unopened even while still being grateful.
I stay away and you don't send me a check. I'll PM you my address so that you can add me to the send money/stay away list.
The thing about making God laugh by telling him your plans PERFECTLY describes my whole life of late. I'm pretty controlling by nature and you'd think I'd learn..............apparently I'm a very slow learner.
Sorry for 2nd post, but accidently hit post before I was finished.................................
Glad 20S came and got some of her stuff and hopefully she'll get the rest soon, but getting 1/2 is a great start. I feel for her boyfriend and imagine that might have been a bit hard for you to hear, having experienced it yourself recently. It is sad, really.
Feeling thoughtful today - I went for a bit of a walk but cut it short - "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty,". I do have a bunch of cleaning to do today - first weekend of the month - but will take it slow.
I went out and "visited the relatives" yesterday which is an annual tradition of mine. At one of the larger cemeteries, I stumbled across what could only be described as "the baby section". At first I was a bit weirded out but then felt better about it. Some of the graves that were 60+ years old were still well tended and on some a few toys had been left.
I don't really fear death and going to graveyards is something that the kids and I would do fairly regularly. Their mother was only a reluctant participant at best. It was good to go out. I usually have a few words with my grandparents - people who are responsible for shaping much of who I am. I'm not a believer in "the here-after" but am honest about the fact that I also don't know. The fact that life itself exists beyond just self-replicating chemistry is still something that I can't comprehend either. Accepting that there are many many things I will never know or understand has been part of my journey of discovery. Odd when you look at it from that point of view. A journey of discovery to an inexplicable place.
I read back here today as I do from time to time. I was trying to remember exactly when my ex-wife actually left - I had thought it was around this time of the year but it actually was in July. July 2016. A lifetime ago.
I read what I had written back then. And as I did, I remembered both the pain and the love that I had. I adored my wife in a way that I can't imagine ever feeling again. A few years ago - when I started dating I felt that I could indeed feel that way again. Now - no.
One of the reasons for thinking about this is that I'm going to be purchasing a cemetery plot soon. The question becomes "single or double". I'd always been assuming that I would meet someone, we would grow old together and rest together. Now - I really can't see that in my future. Perhaps I will have someone who becomes part of my life in the uncertain future that is before me. But that relationship would be very different from the one I formed when I was in my 20s. Back then I was building a life and a future with someone who I expected would walk beside me always. Now I already have a life which includes a past that while not nearly as complex as some, still isn't the past of a 24 year-old either.
It's fascinating in some ways how my life is so very different now than it was in "the before times". I have numerous "traditions" that are all new since then. I have formed new friendships and strengthened some that I had before. People who were toxic are no longer part of my life. I find Joy in many things that were not part of my life before. Cooking, cleaning, going for long walks - those are things that I would only occasionally do before and now do all the time. I value my independence and will not lose that again.
When I do get nostalgic - which has been going on for a bit lately - and look back, I can't but wonder about WTF was going through my ex-wife's head back then. My writing indicates a belief that she was very torn about the choices she was making. And occasionally there were even the odd flashes of regret for the pain she was causing. I also clearly remember the "shark eyes" and the outright arrogance that she had. Undoubtedly secure in the belief that I would stay right were she left me and willingly take her back and fix up her mistakes.
There are still times when I wonder if she feels regret, is perhaps unhappy in the life she has and would try to circle back. I can't see any way where she would ever show real remorse - which is separate from regret - and after 5 years - neither of us are the people we used to be.
What it comes down to I think is a growing belief on my part that alone with my cat is my destiny. One that is pretty good in fact. He's a pretty nice cat and I'm a fairly decent cat Dad.
A lot of people remind me that I'm a "catch". Stable, financially secure guy with all his own teeth and hair albeit much of it now on my back. My level of trust in what is out there as a potentially suitable partner is way down though. The lady who owns the craft shop around the corner has been chatting me up a bit lately. I like her although she's more than a bit intense and has also been described as a "crazy psyco b....". I also get the feeling that the lady who owns the flower shop is getting interested too - not the much younger clerk who I was interested in - her boss. There's "C" out there in the wings as well - so women do indeed exist. But I find myself lacking the energy for it.
Ah well - time to go clean the cat box and wash the downstairs bathroom floor then start the ironing. A task that has gone back on the agenda now that I'm working from home less. If you are a local, mature single woman who has their s... together, I'm making ribs tonight. I can set out another plate.
Hello Andrew
I do understand the idea of purchasing cemetery plot(s) and having things arranged. The question of single or double leads to the question of what’s the rush. Buy your plot, or two, later. Maybe much later. And if something unforeseen were to happen, I’m sure they’d still get you all stored away.
Oh, those before times are quite a different life, aren’t they? I’m glad you see all the blessing before you.
What it comes down to I think is a growing belief on my part that alone with my cat is my destiny.
Your are good cat Dad. And your have a great life of joy.
Your destiny is unknown and will reveal itself in time. The breeze is full in the sails and the water is calm. Much different from the turbulent swells and recents storms; takes a bit of getting used to is all. Smooth sailing my friend.
D
DnJ -
Ummmm..... Andrew is in his 50’s with a bad ticker in the middle of a pandemic . I think now IS the time to buy that plot, which I can tell you from personal experience, definitely makes it easier on your survivors. But one point is well taken - buy one plot. If you end up married in the future, you can always swap that one plot for two in another location at the cemetery if need be.
Taking a short sanity break - what a day. We're maxed out on production, short handed and mistakes are being made. I'm on site today which helps as I can walk around and talk directly to people. "We" messed up in some fashion yesterday and I had to call in some favours which I may or may not have with one customer to allow another to get in line in front of them.
Phew.
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As far as death and such goes, I've known where I will be placed since I was a young boy. When I was married I tried to get my then wife to get on board with having our wills done, getting a plot etc. Real estate, even if it's 9' long by 3' wide only goes up in price after all and the future is an uncertain land.
She was never willing to get any of that done. Sure she'd agree but things never happened and I know that she would have blown up at me if I had pushed it. Ah the days of walking on eggshells all the time. Oddly it was
after I discovered her affair that she suddenly showed interest in getting our wills done up. But her brain was - I like to believe - pretty fried and there was a lot of cognitive dissonance going on with both of us.
She was rather death-phobic like I suppose many people are. I'm not. I enjoy wandering around cemeteries, make sure to attend people's funerals and have had a number of conversations with my kids on what to do when I go - even well before bomb-day. It's been described as a characteristic of the "mid-life crisis" mind-set to be phobic about death and aging. I recall being very upset with her at one funeral we attended where she refused to take her coat off - I felt that showed a lack of respect. She would usually make excuses as well for not attending.
Different person, different attitudes. Death isn't a thing that most people are comfortable about.
I have more clarity around the single vs double question. Single makes the most sense. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone in the off chance I do partner up again in some fashion, I really have no right to pre-emptively make those choices for them. Again, a lot different when you are younger and thinking of "forever" and are writing on a mostly clean slate. Even though it's not the rule, I would like to believe that most people my age have given some thought to their final resting.
As kml pointed out, changes could perhaps be made - but certainly it is literally laughable to think of going out on a date with someone and saying "oh by the way - I have your cemetery plot already purchased"
I do remember being rather disturbed when I was in full detective mode about OM to find out that he had his wife buried in a single plot. It was just an unreal concept to me that after a long marriage like what they had that he wouldn't be expecting to Rest next to her. But on the other hand - I also couldn't comprehend that he'd steal my wife away from me.
Still lots I will probably never understand about the human condition.
single plot can house two-three cremains
I agree w/bttrfly. If you have some idea where you would like to be laid to rest when that day comes, go into the office and inquire about a single plot...but also ask if they allow another to be buried on top of you, if you should remarry. Some cemeteries will allow that in my area and there are are a few that don't. It's a question that needs to be asked...just for peace of mind.
Story time. I was talking to one of the guys in the plant today and as it will a casual mention of the fact that I'm divorced came up.
He told me his own story. His wife when she was about 40 "went crazy" - abandoned him and her kids and went off and did her own thing for 10 years. He said that they had just dropped their youngest off to university and she announced that she'd been a Mom for 20 years and was sick of it and wanted to live her life for herself.
They never filed for divorce and from what I gather she lived rent free in one of his properties. She came back about 5 years ago and he allowed it to happen even though he and the kids had a lot of misgivings. But he "did it for the kids".
He appears to have a horrible home life, no respect or affection for his wife but at his time of life doesn't want to file for divorce because he would lose so much of what he spent a lifetime building up. No clue what she thinks of the circumstances.
Sad.
Sort of gives a perspective to what could be waiting for some if their MLC spouse circles back.
They never filed for divorce and from what I gather she lived rent free in one of his properties. She came back about 5 years ago and he allowed it to happen even though he and the kids had a lot of misgivings. But he "did it for the kids".
For the kids is not a good reason.
Sort of gives a perspective to what could be waiting for some if their MLC spouse circles back.
Not really because the people who do the work here would NEVER let an ex spouse walk back in without earning another chance with them.
They never filed for divorce and from what I gather she lived rent free in one of his properties. She came back about 5 years ago and he allowed it to happen even though he and the kids had a lot of misgivings. But he "did it for the kids".
For the kids is not a good reason.
Sort of gives a perspective to what could be waiting for some if their MLC spouse circles back.
Not really because the people who do the work here would NEVER let an ex spouse walk back in without earning another chance with them.
Don't put that on the kids, especially since they're adults now, right? or close to it?
LH is absolutely right. I cannot imagine any scenario wherein I would reconcile with my exh. Ever.
I could imagine scenarios where I'd reconcile with my XW--it's been 11yrs and she wants to--but that sounds looney. I'd need to believe she'd enrich my life at least as much as a new partner. I get his point about not wanting to divide his assets from his wife's assets, which might require selling a beloved home or timeshare.
I get his point about not wanting to divide his assets from his wife's assets, which might require selling a beloved home or timeshare.
I can certainly understand how worrying it could be to be later in life and staying with a partner because the financial hit of splitting would be too much. Especially in my parent's generation where there was even more income disparity. I expect that was one of the factors that kept my mother-in-law in her marriage with a cheating neglectful husband until the end. One article I read about "grey divorce" suggested that one key factor is that women especially are more financially independent and thus are more willing to leave an unhappy marriage. On the other side - and I'm painting this with a perhaps sexist brush - men typically make more money and are unwilling to lose that even if it means an unhappy home life.
I certainly know that in my own case that I got "lucky". I was able to buy out the marital home before the current crazy times and was able to keep my pensions. It also means that I'll probably be working into my 70s while I climb back out of the hole that the new mortgage and the monthly support payments made in my budget not even counting in the loss of that second income. Rumour told me that my ex has retired at 55 presumably helped by her windfall - but who knows the truth - I certainly don't.
I think one problem is the lack of clear information out there - I'm sure that a lot of men at least have heard the songs "She got the gold mine - I got the shaft" and "It's cheaper to keep her". I certainly know that I was very confused. I had presumed that because she had left for a man who presumably was financially better off than me that she'd just walk away from it all like DnJ's ex did. And perhaps those were her own thoughts and that's why I got such a "good deal". No way to know. I do know that after the temporary financial hit and the potentially larger one I dodged while dating S that I'll not be risking my future financial security again.
a Jerry Reed reference is always welcome !
Rumour told me that my ex has retired at 55 presumably helped by her windfall - but who knows the truth - I certainly don't.
Your ex is retired at 55? With alimony payments running out in what, 4 or 5 more years? Maybe she is, but doesn’t sound like the best financial move.
You probably could retire too when you’re done paying alimony - but just not at the lifestyle you prefer. Heck, you could get a couple of paying roommates and pay the house off at record speed. Or you could downsize to a one bedroom condo.
My point is just that, you have lots of options. Working until you’re seventy is just one choice. I’m making that choice but I love my work and I’m helping my kids in the long run. But I’m fully aware that I could make different choices and retire today if I was willing to make certain trade offs.
Good Morning Andrew
I had presumed that because she had left for a man who presumably was financially better off than me that she'd just walk away from it all like DnJ's ex did.
Mine more ran away, pouring gas behind herself. Lit it on fire to destroy her tracks and simultaneously light up the world with her grand announcement.
Oh, and her OM is not financially better off. Not by a long shot.
She, your XW, and a great deal of people who run off to the siren’s call of the unicorn and fairies, are acting upon internal irrational pressures and forces. A rational presumption of a better financial position is not their driving factor, and often not the actual outcome. They are desperate. And desperate people do desperate things.
I am still planning on retiring at 55. 17 months and a few days away. Yaaaay!
I agree that we have choices. And yes retiring and having no money makes little cents. (giggle, must be early) When I’m able to, I’ve looked to choose time over money. And by the way, retire from this career doesn’t mean I may not work elsewhere. Might even have two incomes then. A pension and side job / more hobby like. One could even end up making more, if that was one’s intent. For now, there are only a unknown and limited amount of sunrises and sunset left in my hourglass and I intend to not spend them working for extra dollars I can’t take with me anyhow.
I know you are a bright guy, and I trust your math skills. And I know you’ve got one of those newfangled mechanical adding machines (if not I’ve got two and you can borrow one
). It’s unfortunate that your gold mine shaft is 14 more years; although I’m not entirely sure of what was your original retirement plan. Maybe this only extended things 5 or so more years.
Anyhow, just dropped by on this raining storming morning. Take care my friend.
D
If I were clear of my "payments" which are alimony, mortgage and car (ordered by size) - which chew up roughly 1/2 of my disposable income, that comes to roughly my pension at 65 so my lifestyle presumably would be similar.
I'm down to I think 34 more alimony payments which ends on my 60th birthday. So an even shorter horizon than you suggest kml.
My ex can be good with money. I would joke that she could squeeze together two nickels and get a quarter. But she at least used to have poor money management practices. She'd pay less than the minimum payment thinking that the credit card company "would understand we're trying". We essentially went bankrupt about 16 years ago and got back on our feet thanks to some very helpful lenders. It was at that point that I started doing all the bill payments, got us on a solid budget, and started making more money more consistently which was part of our problem too.
I do agree with a lot of what DnJ said about choices not being the most rational and undoubtedly much of my opinions on this are my past attempts of making sense of what seems to me to be the insensible.
From the little I've heard about her - which isn't much - she is currently living very modestly. The all inclusive tropical vacations she insisted on each year aren't there. She still drives the responsible "Mom car" she had - that I ended up paying off after she left despite her yearning for a muscle car.
Given the other stories I've heard - again - no way to test their truth - she was let go from her job at the convenience store and then "retired" and does some book-keeping on the side. Could be sour grapes and a way to save face which would be very in character. Last I heard she still goes on to people about how she never cheated on me despite her telling lots of people she did and the body of evidence that I had. I'm honestly very surprised that she stayed in the area much less is living 5 minutes away from me. OM was living an hour north where all of his family is and her family is 2 hours east. Other than her liquor store job there really isn't much tying her to this area I would presume. A lot of her friends have told me that they don't hear from or about her and haven't for years. She was very social - going and drinking wine in a friend's back yard was her common thing every weekend.
Assuming she's using the alimony to pay down her mortgage on the small house in a bad neighbourhood she bought, she could be mortgage free even if OM isn't contributing anything about the time that the alimony runs out. I think it was Rod Stewart who once said that the next time around he'd just find a woman he doesn't like and buy her a house
But - not my issue. I have a solid agreement that I can live with even if I'd be happier not paying her anything. Next payment is due in 4 days - it will be sent on time.
It does show though that the OM/OW that our spouses have run off can certainly turn out to be rather less than they might have imagined in the heady days of the affair. Then she was bragging to her friends about what a wonderful time they would have together especially since he had a large insurance payout when his wife died. I presumed the same - he owned a milk and dairy products distribution business that presumably was successful, had a decent enough house in a larger community that was presumably worth a decent amount. I certainly was surprised when the house sold, he folded his business and he moved into her apartment over the liquor store.
Sounds like your ex was penny wise and pound foolish during the marriage. My ex can be a bit the same, but since I managed the money, we stayed out of debt.
I, like you, am playing the divorce catch-up game. Two separate households always costs more than one. And since I choose to keep my kids in mind, helping them to stay in the middle class and leaving them each enough to at least help them buy a home or fund some retirement savings if/when I die, early retirement was not an option. (All three have physical and/or mental health issues which may prevent them from making more than a modest wage). As mentioned before, I don’t know if my kids will ever inherit or get any financial help from their father, even though he has considerably more money than I.
Still, I’m not complaining. I love my work, I’m happy enough with my lifestyle, and working longer gives me a better chance of not running out of money, since longevity runs in my family.
It was at that point that I started doing all the bill payments, got us on a solid budget, and started making more money more consistently which was part of our problem too.
So you making a budget and more money was part of your martial problems?
I do agree with a lot of what DnJ said about choices not being the most rational and undoubtedly much of my opinions on this are my past attempts of making sense of what seems to me to be the insensible.
If your ex wife is happy now then it was a good choice for her. If she is still unhappy then maybe not so much. I really is that simple.
From the little I've heard about her - which isn't much - she is currently living very modestly.
From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.
Given the other stories I've heard - again - no way to test their truth - she was let go from her job at the convenience store and then "retired" and does some book-keeping on the side.
From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.
Could be sour grapes and a way to save face which would be very in character.
Huh?
Last I heard she still goes on to people about how she never cheated on me despite her telling lots of people she did and the body of evidence that I had.
From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.
I'm honestly very surprised that she stayed in the area much less is living 5 minutes away from me.
Uuuummm doesn't your son live close by?
Other than her liquor store job there really isn't much tying her to this area I would presume.
See above.
A lot of her friends have told me that they don't hear from or about her and haven't for years.
From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.
I think it was Rod Stewart who once said that the next time around he'd just find a woman he doesn't like and buy her a house
Huh?
It does show though that the OM/OW that our spouses have run off can certainly turn out to be rather less than they might have imagined in the heady days of the affair.
What shows that?
Then she was bragging to her friends about what a wonderful time they would have together especially since he had a large insurance payout when his wife died.
From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.
I presumed the same - he owned a milk and dairy products distribution business that presumably was successful, had a decent enough house in a larger community that was presumably worth a decent amount.
From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.
I certainly was surprised when the house sold, he folded his business and he moved into her apartment over the liquor store.
From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.
Chin up Andrew and keep moving forward. You are starting to get really fixated on your EXW again.
Chin up Andrew and keep moving forward. You are starting to get really fixated on your EXW again.
LOL - you seem pretty fixated on pointing out what a basket case I am and coming up with diagnosis.
LH I don’t think it’s “fixated” to have a natural curiosity about how things turned out for someone we loved and lived with for such a long time. And when we have little information, it is tempting to piece together the clues. Frankly, it’s comforting to know things maybe aren’t all unicorns and ponies in their lives after they devastated our lives to go searching for unicorns.
I imagine in a small town that it’s impossible for Andrew to avoid hearing some bits and pieces. If I had stayed in our town I’m sure people would be “helpfully” sharing info with me too (but I moved 45 minutes away where nobody knows him!).
Most of what I hear about my ex comes from what my kids volunteer, and the tiny bit he has volunteered in a very very rare email about something else (like maybe once a year). Since the kids’ contact with their father is fairly minimal these days, it’s not much. I know he’s had health problems and both he and his wife have lost relatives. I know my ex’s parents are not in good health. I know my ex cries poor to my kids when his pension is more than I make working and I know for a fact his retirement account must have $1 million dollars in it. All of this is only relevant in that it shows proof that I was not the one making him unhappy and dissatisfied. Wherever he goes, there he is. When you’ve been gaslighted it’s good to see the daylight. And I don’t wish my ex harm, truly. It just makes me glad to be at the helm of my own ship.
LH I don’t think it’s “fixated” to have a natural curiosity about how things turned out for someone we loved and lived with for such a long time.
I think driving by her house and noting when her car is not there along with fake face book accounts is more then natural curiosity.
And when we have little information, it is tempting to piece together the clues.
Total waste of time and energy!
Frankly, it’s comforting to know things maybe aren’t all unicorns and ponies in their lives after they devastated our lives to go searching for unicorns.
Seems more like a waste of time and energy and not really what you want if you have children together. Happy mom=happy kids. I know easier said then done.
LH I don’t think it’s “fixated” to have a natural curiosity about how things turned out for someone we loved and lived with for such a long time.
In Andrew's case it is way more than natural curiosity. That is abundantly clear in his postings (and I think you know that) and until that is solved, it is going to be a problem for him.
Frankly, it’s comforting to know things maybe aren’t all unicorns and ponies in their lives after they devastated our lives to go searching for unicorns.
This is just total speculation. And Andrew has a way of turning speculation into fact over time. But, like most of us, we have no idea what the actual story is. Might she be miserable... yup. Might she be super happy... yup. Same is true for my ex. The speculation is pointless.
Again, I don’t think a little idle speculation about what’s going on with them is the problem; it’s when you haven’t truly let go that it’s a problem. I’m pretty sure Andrew has fully let go.
Btw Andrew glad to hear only 3 years of alimony left. What are your plans for that money once you’re done? Right now I’m putting extra towa
Extra towards my mortgage and saving for the inevitable house repairs.
I’m pretty sure Andrew has fully let go.
Spit my coffee
Let go in the sense that he’s never take his ex back.
Let go in the sense that he’s never take his ex back.
This time it went through my nose.
LOL - you seem pretty fixated on pointing out what a basket case I am and coming up with diagnosis.
Hi Andrew,
You're not a basket case. You do talk about your ex more often than many here and she does seem to occupy some headspace. It took months to get over my XGF, but years to get over my XW. I agree with kml that if you can say "I wouldn't take her back" (even if she apologized, claimed she saw the error of her ways and would change), that is a big milestone. And, of course, you want her to take up less and less headspace over time. (: