Previous Thread:
Leaving it behind.Moved myself on over to the D side! I used to read the posts here and hope and pray that I wouldn't be here, but I've accepted that this is my new life and it's not anywhere near as bad as I had imagined.
In a lot of ways, my life is so much more peaceful.
I had really hit my stride right up until I found out about OW. Still trying to shake the gross feeling deep down.
Today was so much better. I started my new job! A Lot of admin to do, won't really start working until Wednesday - and there are 2 days of observation. Then long 3 day weekend and I'm off to the races next Monday.
S19 Called today. He said the letter "made me absolutely lose it, I love you, Mom" - I'm hoping he is able to leave this chaos here. Well, there. I'm trying to keep it out of my head.
I was a little down this morning getting ready for work. For some reason it bothered me out of the blue to be so alone. I haven't really felt this until today.
I got to a place where I just woke up and got ready to go. IDK why today was different. But then I received a DM from several people cheering me on and it made a big difference.
Guess just feeling a little lonely. Maybe it's because son is back at school and he just left...
Time will help.
Crossfit classes have been full when I am free. Don't know if it's going to work out at the location closest to my house, but I need to do something. Can't sit here feeling like this.
Hope everyone found joy today in something.
Wowzer - so sorry you didn't find out about the OW until the very end. Isn't it mind boggling that they can lie to your face for so long? 3 1/2 years is a lot of betrayal.
But you seem to have done good for yourself - education, new career, new place. You'll be ok. You've found out how nice it is not to be walking on eggshells or twisting yourself into a pretzel to please someone who can't be pleased.
I suspect you will find what I found, which is that all the men I dated after my divorce didn't seem to notice ANY of the things that my ex felt were "wrong" about me. You now know that this had nothing to do with you or your supposed faults. Be free! Living well is the best revenge.
97Hope,
I have fixed the link on your first posting here as well as linking this one to your old thread. Here is a thread on how to link threads. It will help you the next time you need to do linking.
How To Link Threads
I suspect you will find what I found, which is that all the men I dated after my divorce didn't seem to notice ANY of the things that my ex felt were "wrong" about me. You now know that this had nothing to do with you or your supposed faults. Be free! Living well is the best revenge.
Kml, thank you so much for this!!!! Yes, you are right. The more people I talk to, the more I realize that the things that are "wrong" with me weren't wrong at all. Of course I had/have things to work on, and many places to grow, but the list he handed me at BD was unfair and untrue. I see that now.
I appreciate your encouragement!!
Mine famously told me I "walked too heavy". And even worse, I'd "taught our daughter to walk too heavy".
Now first of all, I checked with several people, and there's nothing strange with my gait. Second, if I DID walk too heavy, and my daughter did too, wouldn't you think it's genetic versus me teaching her????
But I take it as a tribute to the fact that I was a pretty good wife if he had to reach that far to find something to complain about.
This process is great for self examination and we all come out better. It's good for us to work on ourselves. But its really seldom about the LBS spouse but about the cheater's flaws.
I think what is upsetting me is that he and ow are telling all and sundry that I am abusive and controlling and her X is abusive and controlling (they have a script. sickening) and I KNOW I'm not.
If you want to leave your spouse for another, just say so. Don't blame them. Don't lie for years and act like you are the victim.
Maybe I'm getting to the anger stage - about dang time! I'm sick of sad. lol
Busy day today but it was AWESOME. I had a great time with my new boss. We had to travel an hour to get my uniforms and ended up spending about 7 hours together.
At one point he mentioned that he called X during my background investigation and asked how long we had ben divorced. I told him it was final last week. Boss said that X couldn't say enough good things about me and he even asked X if he had anything negative to say but X said, no. Not one negative thing - Boss was confused because usually when he has to call an ex they are usually at best lukewarm.
He knows X professionally and said that X spoke about me like we were still together. I went ahead and shared a little with him (he is also an ordained minister) and said that I would prefer it not mentioned at the job.
Long story short, we did get a little personal, but he was impressed that I was able to do my training etc and no one had any idea of what I've been dealing with. He also wondered how I wasn't angry with X and I told him how I had my moments but I was focusing on my future (all true).
I was proud of myself in that moment. I did accomplish a LOT this past year. And I did it despite the mind games, the gaslighting, the cheating and the lies.
I am strong. I have my moments, but today was a great day.
Met a lot of my new coworkers and I feel like this is a great fit for me.
Onward and Upward!
You're on your way! Awesome!
Last two days went by in a blur. Very busy. 12 hour shifts and by the time I got home, I didn't even have time/desire to think about anything but what I had to do the next day.
I feel great! The job helps so much. Everyone there is treating me like I am a valuable member of a team. I have spent so much time feeling rejected, unimportant etc. that it's great to be valued.
Haven't thought a whole lot about X. When I do, it's not bad anymore. Just kind of "it is what it is".
Co-workers are curious about my X and the sitch (mostly males). I'm saying little except to my partner who I gave the broad stokes to.
He and I were out and ran into his BF and his friend said I was a '9'. LOL. Well, that felt great!
I think this schedule is going to work out great for me and I love the job itself. Exciting and rewarding and I feel like I've found my calling.
It's nice to hear the guys talk about their wives. In a strange way it reinforces that there are plenty of good men out there. I am so thankful that God put me where I am now. It's amazing how this has all worked out.
Hey Elbereth.
After being through my own D, I no longer believe that we should focus on saving the marriage. I know that's how we all ended up here, but it's a flawed approach.
It's flawed because what we had is broken. What we had is gone now. We really don't want it back. We lie and say we do, but what we really want is A GOOD MARRIAGE. And to be honest, what we had wasn't a good marriage. If it was, it would still be intact. Even if you were the perfect spouse 110%, you can't be responsible in the least for another human's shortcomings.
So now, instead of worrying about your spouse and their underhanded BS what you need to do is worry about yourself. Make yourself the priority. Too many LBS's worry about their waywards. Don't. Your husband is fine, trust me. He's doing exactly what he wants to do right now.
Crappy huh? That's hard to hear but it's the truth. He's doing what he wants right now. He's doing who he wants right now.
You need to detach. You do that however you need to. Detaching is for your protection. It doesn't matter if your STBX thinks you're being mean or rude or whatever. Trust me, they can gaslight and manipulate perception of reality to make you seem like the bad person REGARDLESS, no matter how compassionate or cordial you are. So protect yourself however you need to.
So from this point on and FOREVER, you have to live your life 100% for yourself. Nobody else. You are a strong and worthy person. You deserve peace and happiness. Make the decision to love yourself enough to put yourself first.
And one more thing: get yourself a good attorney. Don't negotiate with terrorists. Get a good attorney that has YOUR interests in mind. DO NOT use the same attorney and think you are being gracious, or saving money, or being a good person. There is no such thing as "GOODNESS" in a divorce. A divorce is a business transaction.
Very wise advice to Elbereth and all newcomers.
I think this schedule is going to work out great for me and I love the job itself. Exciting and rewarding and I feel like I've found my calling.
I was proud of myself in that moment. I did accomplish a LOT this past year. And I did it despite the mind games, the gaslighting, the cheating and the lies.
I'm glad you've found your stride and calling! Solid updates. And thanks for all the advice you've been sharing. A poem I read today reminded me of your situation--
She had been through hell
and though no one could see her demons
they could see the face
that conquered them.
Well Shizuoka.
Sent X photos today as I purged my phone of anything with his face in it. They were pics of him and kids/grandkids and I thought I was being kind by providing him with photos.
He texted and asked a legal question. I told him to call me. We talked about it and I suggested some things he could do to stay ahead of it (dangerous situation with neighbor).
While we were discussing his sitch, he kept referring to the ranch as "ours" and other things that suggested he is either selling me a load of horse manure - or he is completely disassociated. IDK. We got off the phone and he seemed quite down.
He texted saying that he needed a 'break' from the photo album I 'shared' with him. . Apparently they were upsetting him.
He texted several hours later and asked to come over.
I let him.
We talked a little, he became emotional again and I said "I don't understand. This is what YOU wanted. I think you would benefit from EMDR therapy and some serious IC. If photos upset you to that degree, you are not in a good place.
*it was a long talk, he was here approx. 4 hours. I listened and validated some things, but for the most part just told him what I saw. I have known him for 25 years. We grew up together. He's an absolute mess. He can only save himself at this point.
IDK - on one hand I feel like I gave him cake. On the other hand, I'm still concerned that he is running as fast as he can from his demons and I know better than some, that you can't possibly outrun them. Praying that God gives me wisdom.
I know demons. You must face them head on and conquer the sons of b**tches.
He's lost. Nothing has changed in the past 3 1/2 - almost 4 years.
I can't help him. Maybe something I said planted a seed.
I can't seem to find a situation this messed up.
He tried to make out with me. I told him that I am aware that he has a girlfriend and that I am not that kind of girl.
ugh. This man.
2 nights ago, there was a call about shots fired. I ran straight into it. No fear. Just knowing my purpose.
This guy, though. Sigh. I know he's on his own journey. I have let him go. I have my own life, he has his.
I don't have answers for this one.
You handled that well, I think. Kept healthy boundaries, gave him good advice.
Just keep moving forward with your life. If he has it in him to pull himself back together, dump the girlfriend and do what he would need to do to win you back, he can catch up with you whether or not you’re divorced. Odds are he’s not capable of that kind of change but stranger things have happened. Don’t let it slow you down though. Him trying to make out with you and feeling a little weepy is NOT the same as him making an honest effort to make amends.
No. He was in no way making amends...more like he's drowning and looking to me for help. I am fine throwing a life ring, but I know better now than to jump in after him.
kml, thanks for understanding. This stuff is so hard.
He's not capable at this point to change. I believe everyone can, only because I have. I have done some truly awful things in the past, so I never discount anyone. But I also know that I didn't save myself, and no one person saved me - it was a complete transformation that started in my heart (I'm Christian so it was my faith) and then doing what I needed to do - very hard things - and live differently. Also surrounding myself with people who loved me enough to tell me truth.
As much pain as I have endured, he is in torment over something.
----------------------
X called this morning. Sounded 'ok' ish. Said he just wanted to call and check in. His words "we lost a calf last night". Didn't talk long because I was in need of some endorphins.
Ran 2.33 miles. Lovely. 55 degrees F - music was good - realized that I sing when I run and it got a little awkward (for others on the trails today). LOL
Looking forward to my shift tomorrow as I had some new gear come in that will help me in my job.
Feeling good about last night. Praying a lot for wisdom and discernment, and of course my family and you guys here on the boards.
She had been through hell
and though no one could see her demons
they could see the face
that conquered them.
This touched me. Thanks for all of your advice and support, and also sharing your journey. I think you are on a good path. ((((Warrior))))
Hello 97Hope,
How are things coming along for you?
Hi Warrior! Things are going amazing at work! I love it. My FTO said that I am doing better than a lot of other people that come through this part of the program, and I'm ahead in a lot of areas. That's such a magnificent feeling. It's exciting and fun and keeps me so busy I don't think about anything else.
I would like advice from my people here on another matter that keeps happening to me.
Example:
My friend suggested a guy to meet (her and her H's friend). Said he was a good man. I wasn't ready. Then, when I was ready, I reached out to friend and said "I'm ready. Please set something up!"
Now - she is saying I need to wait to date, I'm not ready, I need to spend time alone and that if I'm not dating with the intention of marrying, I shouldn't date. Also that I need to just have female friends. (I almost threw up. I felt judged and controlled).
FFS.
I'm pretty angry. I told her as much. Told her she has NO IDEA what I am going through. She said that she does, that her and her husband got married later in life, they both spend a lot of time single, etc.
When she said that I just need to hang out with female friends, I was completely ticked off and said "Easy for you to say with a faithful, loving husband".
*she and I are completely honest with each other, have never not been able to be truthful and frank.
The thing that I'm angry about is that it is NOT UP TO HER when I date. I understand she is trying to be protective but I spend YEARS in a controlling marriage. I am finding myself, more and more, just wanting to get away from people who have advice for me who have not been through this.
So I don't want to lose a friend, and maybe another couple of days I won't be so angry - but it's been 2 days since that convo.
I can, and have, told people that while I understand that they want the best for me, that I have a therapist and a support group for this. Thanks but no thanks on the advice. Aside from kicking them out of my life, how can I manage this? 3 people in my life that constantly have an opinion. And why does it bother me so much?
I feel 'tight'. I feel like people have way too much invested in what I do.
I think for a long time I asked for advice from anyone who would listen, but now these same people are annoying me.
So...advice welcome. From people here who have actually walked the road I'm on because I find myself really struggling with people IRL.
I know I got myself in this mess with being so lost for so long and just reaching out for any life line, but now, I am just doing the best I can with a 789 situation that I didn't ask for.
I guess advice on how to deal with bad advice, and why it bothers me so much.
Thanks, guys. I appreciate the lack of judgment here.
x
Now - she is saying I need to wait to date, I'm not ready, I need to spend time alone and that if I'm not dating with the intention of marrying, I shouldn't date. Also that I need to just have female friends. (I almost threw up. I felt judged and controlled).
Hope there is no way in heck you have to only date with the attention to marry. That is ludicrous. If that was the case I would never date again because I am pretty sure I will never marry again.
If I am being totally honest I get the impression that you are still attached to your H. I am not judging I was too for the first year of D. You probably are not ready for a relationship but it doesn't hurt to meet new people.
I feel with dating you have to try to know if you are ready. A sign that you are not is if you compare everything about the person your with to your ex.
Looking back I would say I wasn't ready for at minimum a year and a half probably two.
As for bad advice I would kindly say "Thank you but I am not looking for any advice".
Yes. I'm still attached. IDK when that will fully go away, if ever. Detachment is a process. I am not willing to give him more years than I already have - I think that's why it made me angry. She just doesn't get it.
I don't want to be with him. He is still texting/trying to FaceTime..I'm not interested. I don't miss him, I miss old him, but it's like that guy died and is never coming back. When he was here, I felt pity for him but not love love.
When does the clock start, though? It's been 3.6 years since Dday. I've been in IC (regularly) for the first 3 years, and as needed since. IC said I was definitely ready.
Just ticked off because I really wanted to meet that guy. First guy in a looooooong time I've felt any attraction to. There are other guys out there, of course, but it's rare that I have any interest in getting to know a guy.
I think it just ticked me off because it felt so judgy and controlling. Trigger for me.
Love your advice re: advice.
It makes sense that I won't know until I try.
Also - it's completely rational and reasonable that we don't want to remarry. Possibly ever. Nothing wrong with that.
Ugh. This friend has really been there for me. IDK why she gets like this.
Thanks for advice, LH.
Hope,
So let’s assume your ready to date and you decide you are starting a clean slate and you will answer all questions honestly with the person you are dating. It comes up during the date that you were just intimate with your STBXH 3 months ago. How do you think they will respond to this statement?
I have a couple of people in my life who've weighed in with opinions when they aren't asked ... one is related to me the other one of my closest friends. I won't lie - there's now a distance, on my part, from them doing this repeatedly and not accepting my boundaries.
the friend says things like "why are you even blah blah blah. I would just" and until in exasperation I've said things like, well, I'm not you. This isn't your life. It's mine, and I have to do what makes sense to me, not what makes sense to you. I've also said no, you DON'T know. You think you do, but you aren't here living it every day so you could not possibly know. Our relationship has not been the same since, nor do I think we will ever get back to where we were.
the relative went OFF on me about possibly dating - I'm talking meeting someone for coffee, not dinner, not drinks, not a weekend away, a freaking cup of coffee -- it will be YEARS before you're ready (this was two years ago) ... I'm like, whaaaa? no. done.
I felt my only recourse in both cases was to stop talking about specifics and just answer "fine" to most everything now or to change the subject to something else, and it they persist, change to a subject they are not very open about sharing on their end. Gets the point across, probably passive agressive but enough is enough, really. They rarely offer unsolicited comments now, but also we no longer have the closeness we once did.
It's hurtful, but I don't need to be judged.
I suppose maybe a simpler thing would be to say something like I prefer not to discuss that.
There are people who can date someone else while they still have an emotional attachment to an ex - personally I can say from experience that that's a bad idea. A woman I dated essentially wanted to turn me into a more acceptable version of her ex - down to the clothes and wearing a gold chain
There are also people who detach firmly, quickly and completely. I would suggest that most of the people who end up on forums like this aren't those sort of people. I know that it took me literally years for that. AND I thought I was ready to date at 6 months out. Got talked down from that.
Given my own set of circumstances I'm waffling around. For right now I have no interest in dating for any sort of intention. Prior to that I was dating with the intention of finding a new partner - and got burned badly - twice - in that experience.
I personally think that the more clearly you can have your own baggage categorized and taken care of with no distracting strings or emotions pulling you in unexpected directions the better you will be able to have a satisfying relationship of any sort.
Everybody’s experience is different, but the key thing that should be present before you date is that you are truly DONE with your ex. It’s not fair to date someone if you would return to your ex if they came begging to have you back. That’s not fair to the person you’re dating.
Also, you need to have processed your breakup and done the work to grow from it and deal with your own demons.
That being said, this may look very different for different people. I started dating about three months after my husband of 24 years left. Normally that would be a TERRIBLE idea. But in my case, my husband had had an affair about 7 years prior. I had found this place and DB’d my husband, we had a successful reconciliation and I did considerable deep work on myself and my marriage. We had several very good years, but as he approached 50 and a midlife crisis, he finally left for good. That was really his third strike, as he’d also cheated on me at the start of our marriage. Once he filed for divorce, I was done. I had peace in my heart that I’d done everything possible to save my marriage, and I realized that after three strikes, there was no way I would ever be able to trust him again under any circumstances. So I was really completely ready to date, but it had been a 7 year long process of growth and letting go prior.
Hi Hope.
I started dating about eight months after BD once I had signed the separation agreement. I wasn’t sure I was ready but I was sure there was no going back and I wanted to move forward. In hindsight, it was exactly what I needed. I think when something like this happens to us, we have this inner fear that no one will be attracted to us or that we “blew” our chance at happiness somehow. I quickly discovered that wasn’t the case and it was the boost I needed to get through those final stages of detachment from my previous life and marriage. Notice that I said my life and not my ex? I realized that I had been alone for years before my XH actually left so it wasn’t so much him that I was detaching from but it was more from the idea of him and the life that I thought we would actually have together. They were just thoughts. ..not the reality. Once I figured that out and accepted it, moving on just came naturally.
I’m sure there were people in my life who thought it was too soon for me to date. My brother even told me he thought I should be alone for a couple years first. That kind of blew me away. But he lives on the other side of the country and didn’t really understand where I was at emotionally. He was just imagining himself in the same situation and telling me what he thought he would need to do if he was me. He’s not me though. And his marriage is not mine. So...I thanked him for his opinion and did what I thought was right for me.
I don’t think there is any harm at all in casually dating someone as long as you are honest with people about where you are at. Re: your friend. Do you need her to introduce you to this guy? Or is there another way you could meet him? I wouldn’t totally give up on the idea if there is a way you could cut her out of the picture.
(((Hugs)))
Hope,
So let’s assume your ready to date and you decide you are starting a clean slate and you will answer all questions honestly with the person you are dating. It comes up during the date that you were just intimate with your STBXH 3 months ago. How do you think they will respond to this statement?
No idea, but I'm not ready for serious dating. I'm just talking about going out for coffee, etc.
If my s past came up, that would be awkward for me until I really got to know someone. If/when things got serious - and they had an issue with how I got through a D after 24 years, I guess that would probably be a thing for me.
I did the best I could given my situation. I've learned from it, but I won't be with anyone who picks it apart. They should get to know where I am today - If they were that concerned, I'd probably say they need to look elsewhere.
I have a couple of people in my life who've weighed in with opinions when they aren't asked ... one is related to me the other one of my closest friends. I won't lie - there's now a distance, on my part, from them doing this repeatedly and not accepting my boundaries.
This is me now. Starting to put some distance between me and those who just don't understand.
the friend says things like "why are you even blah blah blah. I would just" and until in exasperation I've said things like, well, I'm not you. This isn't your life. It's mine, and I have to do what makes sense to me, not what makes sense to you. I've also said no, you DON'T know. You think you do, but you aren't here living it every day so you could not possibly know. Our relationship has not been the same since, nor do I think we will ever get back to where we were.
When people say "I would just" - it's usually a clear indication that they have zero clues. They really don't know.
the relative went OFF on me about possibly dating - I'm talking meeting someone for coffee, not dinner, not drinks, not a weekend away, a freaking cup of coffee -- it will be YEARS before you're ready (this was two years ago) ... I'm like, whaaaa? no. done.
Same.
It's hurtful, but I don't need to be judged.
Yup.
I suppose maybe a simpler thing would be to say something like I prefer not to discuss that.
I've sat on this for about a week. I've decided just to be honest with her and give her the option to keep it to herself or not, but I will no longer discuss it with her.
Are they given a script? Lol - these are almost verbatim what I have heard and how I feel about it.
There are people who can date someone else while they still have an emotional attachment to an ex - personally I can say from experience that that's a bad idea. A woman I dated essentially wanted to turn me into a more acceptable version of her ex - down to the clothes and wearing a gold chain
.
Yikes!
Given my own set of circumstances I'm waffling around. For right now I have no interest in dating for any sort of intention. Prior to that I was dating with the intention of finding a new partner - and got burned badly - twice - in that experience..
My intention is to meet new people and make friends first. I can see where looking for a new partner wouldn't work out - but mostly because I ask around and read the threads here a lot.
I personally think that the more clearly you can have your own baggage categorized and taken care of with no distracting strings or emotions pulling you in unexpected directions the better you will be able to have a satisfying relationship of any sort.
Thanks, Andrew. I've read your sitch and glad you are clear of your last one.
I think the point is - only we know for sure where we are emotionally, and it's good to have support and advice - but we shouldn't be judged when we do what we think is best for us.
Now - a good friend saying - danger, will rogers!! is different, but blanket rules/statements from people who haven't walked this is different.
Everybody’s experience is different, but the key thing that should be present before you date is that you are truly DONE with your ex. It’s not fair to date someone if you would return to your ex if they came begging to have you back. That’s not fair to the person you’re dating.
Also, you need to have processed your breakup and done the work to grow from it and deal with your own demons.
That being said, this may look very different for different people. I started dating about three months after my husband of 24 years left. Normally that would be a TERRIBLE idea. But in my case, my husband had had an affair about 7 years prior. I had found this place and DB’d my husband, we had a successful reconciliation and I did considerable deep work on myself and my marriage. We had several very good years, but as he approached 50 and a midlife crisis, he finally left for good. That was really his third strike, as he’d also cheated on me at the start of our marriage. Once he filed for divorce, I was done. I had peace in my heart that I’d done everything possible to save my marriage, and I realized that after three strikes, there was no way I would ever be able to trust him again under any circumstances. So I was really completely ready to date, but it had been a 7 year long process of growth and letting go prior.
Same here! Married 24 years. He had affairs in 2012. We reconciled - then he announced abruptly in 2017 he wanted a divorce. I didn't know about AP this time until several months ago, but I was done at that point. I still had hope prior to that, deep down. Finding out this was all a crock of hooey helped me see him for who he was. Understanding that even if it was MLC/PTSD - whatever - I was not willing to spend another minute in R with a cheater.
I didn't know about AP in November but I had a suspicion. At that point, I think I was still feeling the effects of gaslighting.
I had no idea our sitches were so similar. ((((Kml)))
I started dating about eight months after BD once I had signed the separation agreement. I wasn’t sure I was ready but I was sure there was no going back and I wanted to move forward. In hindsight, it was exactly what I needed. I think when something like this happens to us, we have this inner fear that no one will be attracted to us or that we “blew” our chance at happiness somehow. I quickly discovered that wasn’t the case and it was the boost I needed to get through those final stages of detachment from my previous life and marriage. Notice that I said my life and not my ex? I realized that I had been alone for years before my XH actually left so it wasn’t so much him that I was detaching from but it was more from the idea of him and the life that I thought we would actually have together. They were just thoughts. ..not the reality. Once I figured that out and accepted it, moving on just came naturally.
This makes so much sense. I have been alone for many years as well, so it is pretty insulting to hear that I need time "on my own".
I’m sure there were people in my life who thought it was too soon for me to date. My brother even told me he thought I should be alone for a couple years first. That kind of blew me away. But he lives on the other side of the country and didn’t really understand where I was at emotionally. He was just imagining himself in the same situation and telling me what he thought he would need to do if he was me. He’s not me though. And his marriage is not mine. So...I thanked him for his opinion and did what I thought was right for me.
They are not me and their marriage isn't mine. Yes, I'm doing what is right for me.
I don’t think there is any harm at all in casually dating someone as long as you are honest with people about where you are at. Re: your friend. Do you need her to introduce you to this guy? Or is there another way you could meet him? I wouldn’t totally give up on the idea if there is a way you could cut her out of the picture.
(((Hugs)))
((((((Deja))))) Thanks. Funny you should say that. I decided to reach out to him on my own. I need my friend to get his number, but honestly, if she says 'no' then we've got other issues.
Thanks everyone for the thoughtful comments!!!
I finally have a day off! On the days I work, I have no life! LOL
Job is going so great. I've been congested for the past 2 days, but I think it's a cold.
Going to rest today. Off tomorrow and then 2 more 12's and then a free weekend!
Looking for some GAL activities on my down time. My schedule is weird, so it's time to get super creative.
Crossfit didn't work out so well. They never had 5:30 am classes available. (covid, I believe) But I got a membership at a local gym and I will continue to strength train.
Hope I feel up to running tomorrow. If not, I'll walk, but today - I'm just trying to get over this head cold.
Thanks again! I hope I have something more exciting to write about soon!
x
I've been congested for the past 2 days, but I think it's a cold.
PLEASE don't assume that! I hope it's a cold too, but ANY viral symptoms right now should be considered Covid until proven otherwise. Get a Covid test please. Not too many people are getting colds and flu right now (proof of the effectiveness of masking and social distancing!) so a test is necessary o avoid spreading the virus. Symptoms can be very mild in the beginning for some people.
I've spent the past couple of days face down. Drank cider vinegar and finally feel human today.
Spent the day disinfecting the house and organizing closets. (Thanks for the inspiration, Andrew!)
Was very impressed with my department. Several of the guys reached out via text to offer food delivery etc. My main boss called every day to check on me. With the 2 days off, now I'm heading into a regularly scheduled 3 day weekend.
I'm at a loss with what to do with myself.
I had a fever and thought I had dreamed it, but apparently X FaceTimed and I answered. Have only a foggy recollection of what we talked about but we were on for about an hour.
My S19 (away at uni) told him that I was ill. I'm guessing that's why he called. He is a healthcare professional. He called today and I let it go to voicemail and texted him I was fine and thanks for checking on me "for S19".
I wish Bud would have called, TBH. lol I still haven't met him but I would like to.
Went for a short walk today. It's freezing temps (unusual for where I live). Not ready to run, going to give myself one more day for that.
Looking forward to getting back to work Monday.
Finally switched over the mobile phone account. I am hoping to pick up side jobs soon. My salary won't cover anything over my monthly bills right now.
Aside from sharing all the movies I have watched, that's about all I have.
I am thankful for my new job, co-workers and my warm, safe place to live. Thankful for the friends who showed up with food and vitamins and thankful for this place here where I feel like everyone understands.
Hope you all have a fab weekend.
x
Please get a Covid test before you return to work. You do not want to be responsible for spreading this if it’s Covid.
KML,
Please refrain from any further comments regarding my medical care. I have a physician.
Thanks.
Today was interesting. I gave my grandcat a bath. Long story short, we both ended up having a bath and he was super about it. Stocked up on groceries, etc for the week ahead.
We have winter storm warnings here (I live in the south and it's not supposed to get like this!) People tend to freak out when the weather turns, although to be fair, we aren't equipped for snow!
My dad called and offered to drive in so he could take me to work. LOL He's worried about me on icy roads.
1. He's 16 hours away.
2. Once I get to work, I'm in a car for 12 hours...
I love that he offered - and meant it.
It seems that the past 5 years have made my FOO closer. I lost my sister and we all came together for that, and as I started opening up to my mom and dad about the M problems, they really have been so supportive. Same with my brother, although I can't really share much with him because he's the typical big brother and is still uber protective.
Thankful for them and everyone here. We may disagree on some things, but I know that hearts are in the right places.
Going to watch "The Wedding Singer" for Vday. The "Somebody K Me" song alone is worth it!
X called and left VM that he added me on the family plan for music. I had received an email about the same thing. His message stated that he wanted to make sure I got it.
I'm going to sit on that for a day. I appreciate that he might be trying to be nice, but also, I don't feel like we should be family sharing anything but the kids/grandkids.
Thinking of a kind way to say that, or decide, it just doesn't matter and leave it alone.
He has been reaching out almost daily now. I know he misses me, but I'm not there anymore. I don't miss our R. I don't miss him, I'm lonely, but as Dwight Yoakum said "I ain't that lonely, yet".
I think over time, I could be friendly, but not friends.
I have a lot more work to do on figuring out where I am.
I think about things like "If I was dating someone, would this relationship be appropriate?" - and - "How would I feel if the guy I was dating had this R with his X?"
I like to see X's get along, of course.
Lot's to think about, but not all at once.
I live in the South too and am SO hoping it’s not as bad as they are predicting. You’re totally right...we’re not equipped for snow. I’m stocked up on groceries and brought extra work home with me in case we’re “in” for awhile. Stay safe!
The Dwight Yoakam song made me laugh out loud. I’m 6 1/2 years out from my D and been remarried for a year and if I were single, I still wouldn’t be that lonely yet.
Right? Nobody that dang lonely! LOL
Hope, so glad you're feeling better! Sometimes I wish our forum lived closer, but it sounds like you have a great network of people who care. lol about the mutual bath, and props for the self-awareness about your relationship with your ex.
I wish our forum lived closer, too!!! I would love to have coffee with you guys.
I have a great network here. I hid what was happening for a long time, based on the hope/dream of a recon, but I eventually started telling my closer friends.
As I was developing those relationships more, I found that when I'm authentic, good friendships follow. A wise DBer has that as his tagline : )
You have me thinking about friendships this morning...
---------------------------------
Figuring out who I am outside of being a W took a while. Still a work in progress, I think. But the right people have stayed around and new, great friendships have begun to grow.
Not worried about appearances or fear of abandonment is like an albatross removed from my neck. Having peace with those that come, or go, out of my life brings joy and contentment.
I'm musing also, because a friend texted this morning concerned about me driving to work tomorrow morning. She asked that I text her when I get there. I said "I don't want you to worry, but I sure feel special that you are thinking about me!" She was married 23 years and her X left and married is AP 3 months later. That was 3 years ago. She is now engaged to a wonderful man.
I was at a party at her house last summer and I was envious with how well she handled her X being there (without AP) - how kind she was to him, etc. I also noticed how X would look at her with longing in his eyes when he didn't think anyone was looking.
I've since talked to her, I had no idea about their history, but I told her that at some point I would like to be in that place. She has been a rock for me.
I don't know, maybe we would or would not have become as close, but the end result is a beautiful friendship where we accept each other exactly as we are, encourage growth, and have a spiritual bond too, both being Christian.
------------------
I hope that anyone new to the boards can take some encouragement today that as hard as it is, as bad as you feel, this can be an opportunity for YOU.
The sooner you take your eyes off of your X, the better you will feel, the more you can focus on your own journey, and the more peace you will find.
Reach out, post often and know you are NOT alone.
Happy Valentine's Day to my sweet friends (((((hugs))))
x
I hope that anyone new to the boards can take some encouragement today that as hard as it is, as bad as you feel, this can be an opportunity for YOU.
The sooner you take your eyes off of your X, the better you will feel, the more you can focus on your own journey, and the more peace you will find.
Reach out, post often and know you are NOT alone.
This! I'm working on it!
I found that when I'm authentic, good friendships follow. A wise DBer has that as his tagline : ) Not worried about appearances or fear of abandonment is like an albatross removed from my neck. Having peace with those that come, or go, out of my life brings joy and contentment.
Hi Hope, I can't believe I missed your message until now, or maybe it was just awaiting the right day to find me! Wise words. As you aspire to how she handles her ex, I aspire to your authenticity and fearlessness. No update in a bit--I hope March finds you doing as well as February. (:
97Hope, I hide my situation from all my family and friends IRL for months. Thank goodness for all of you here. This forum was my only outlet. Posting my pain here, got me through the toughest times. and this forum and all you here continue to do that.
YES, talk to friends! THAT was the biggest mistake I made, was not confiding in anyone when I was mentally falling apart. You are so right on so many levels. ((HUGS)) and cheers to us that keep on keepin on and remain strong.
We may fall down, but we get back up again.
Hi hope, tracked you down to here! I so agree about friendships. I think that since BD my relationships with my friends (and actually with my kids) have been more authentic and honest and deeper and more fulfilling as a result. I think I got so used to not being myself with H and covering up an imperfect marriage, that hiding who I was was habitual. BD blew everything apart including my defences. And aren't vulnerable friends so much better in every way than those people pretending everything is fine?
You sound like you're in a good place. Definite positives come out of this whole sorry mess. I once listened to a podcast which likened marriage rupture to a mirror being smashed. Afterwards you can make a mosaic from the pieces. In our case, our husbands didn't have the inner strength to work on themselves or the marriage, but we are busy making our very own beautiful, glittering and imperfectly perfect mosaics
DILLY!!!!!!! wow. sooo sooo glad to 'see' you! I've thought about you so much over the last year or so!! Yes, our mosaics...what a great analogy. Mine is still a work in progress, of course, and some days I think i've got the hang of it, but piecing it all together still cuts me some days.
CWar - I'm glad you read it when you needed it. : )
All,
Things have been crazy around here. New job and the training is tough but amazing. I've been on nights (8p-8a) and I'm finally feeling like I've acclimated for the most part.
Blocked XH from phone, but he emailed a copy of my car title (I paid off my car!!) and I responded with "please forward to my address) and he writes back "I did, just wanted to give you a digital copy...blah blah".
I didn't respond. It aggravated me that he opened my mail and is trying to be a "look at what a nice guy I am I scanned it in for you"
....I just see him a lot different now. Something finally fell into place. He was trying to be my friend, and I don't want to be his. I want to just keep him in the past.
Haven't met anyone yet. Decided to wait a bit longer (I felt I was ready and IC said as much) but had a couple set backs last month that made me hesitant.
People at work are amazing. My partner said "I don't know any guys that are good enough for you". I laughed but he said, no. I'm serious. Take your time. You deserve the best.
So I'm taking it slow.
I did flirt with a guy at the market and it was fun. Only a little sad that I didn't ask him for coffee, but that's really not my style so, glad at least i'm finding the fun in being single.
Not much else. Hate that I can't sit down with people IRL right now very often. I have been struggling with loneliness a little, but work helps. Actually, I spend my days off looking forward to work so I can see real people. lol
More later, just wanted to catch up and say hi. Hope everyone is doing well.
x
I don't know who needs to read this today, but I signed the paperwork completely removing myself from my "dream house". 20 years of saving and planning and dreaming, I got to live in it for 5 years.
You know what? I felt NOTHING! I arranged to meet the title company and it's done. And then I had tacos. : )
3 years ago, I thought my life was over. I couldn't breath when I thought about life without X. I didn't know how I would survive. I could NOT accept that my M might be over.
Today, I am strong. I started a new career. I have friends, I work out, I have good days and bad...like everyone else on the planet.
What I don't have? Anxiety and stress over who X is with, when/if D is coming, what mood he's going to be in today, what he thinks about me, what he thinks about...anything.
Stay the course, friend. GAL, keep going, cry when you need to, be ok, be not ok...just keep going. Onward and upward.
There is peace in letting go. There is relief in letting go. There is joy in living in that peace.
The pain you feel now? Ride it out. It will pass. Each wave will get further apart and less acute. Breathe. Accept. Release.
Big hugs to everyone. <3
Hello friends!
I have completed my training and am now (for the most part) enjoying the heck out of my new career. I am working nights, 12 hour shifts, so it is a lot, but I think it has been an amazing blessing.
Struggle sometimes when it's a slow night, I get a lot of time to think about things, but it doesn't last long.
Attended a nice July 4 party at my son and DIL's house. My mom was there, first time I have seen her in 15 months. XH was there as well and, as per usual, acted like we were still married, including making plans to play cards with my mom.
We all just kind of scratch our heads, and continue on.
His GF of 4 years or so is not allowed around our grandkids, so she never attends with him. My son said that he never brings her up, and that he has only seen her a few times, but avoids her. When the kids and grands go to his house, she has to stay in the house. Such a weird situation, but nothing surprises me anymore.
Still haven't even gone on a first date. I sometimes crave the companionship and company and a partner to do things with - Yes, I have female friends, and they are great, but sometimes, I'd love a man around.
My work partner and I are planning on starting a business and I'm extremely excited about it. He and his wife have become very close friends.
Going to see my newest grandchild at the end of July and my youngest graduates boot camp first weekend in august. I will only see XH one day in August for the graduation.
My friend told me to embrace my new life. I think I have, mostly. Those days that I don't are few and far between and for that I am grateful.
xo
You sound great! Living well IS the best revenge!
KML - thanks so much! Have thought about you a lot over past few months since our sitches are so similar.
Headed into work soon. I had a great night last night. I love my people there. Some people are easier to love than others, but I'd run into the fire with or for them...just like family. lol
Heard my X might marry OW. Felt sick to my stomach, but the feeling passed. I've had some minor health issues lately and really can't afford to stress. I think I'm better than I thought I would be by now, but not yet at complete 'meh'. If I never reach total detachment, I still know I will be ok. The experts say that day will come, not going to rush it, just accepting where I am right now.
My friend told me to embrace my new life. I think I have, mostly. Those days that I don't are few and far between and for that I am grateful.
Hi Hope,
I love that life is going well for you for the most part. (:
Still haven't even gone on a first date. I sometimes crave the companionship and company and a partner to do things with - Yes, I have female friends, and they are great, but sometimes, I'd love a man around.
Those apps aren't going anywhere, lol.
Heard my X might marry OW. Felt sick to my stomach, but the feeling passed.
For me, getting there takes more than a year, less than a decade. As you say, even if you never detach so much this doesn't bother you, you'll be okay. For both your sakes, I hope he only remarries a few times!!!
97Hope,
Heard my X might marry OW. Felt sick to my stomach, but the feeling passed. I've had some minor health issues lately and really can't afford to stress. I think I'm better than I thought I would be by now, but not yet at complete 'meh'. If I never reach total detachment, I still know I will be ok. The experts say that day will come, not going to rush it, just accepting where I am right now.
I understand the ideal goal is complete detachment and to not care at all what your Ex does, but in real life that's not so easy. I think most hearing an ex-spouse was going to marry (especially to an affair partner) would not feel great about it. It is the person who promised to spend the rest of their lives with you and you had children with. It's understandable to be upset by the development. So...don't feel bad about having the "sick to your stomach" feeling. It too shall pass and processing through it will actually further your detachment.
Heard my X might marry OW. Felt sick to my stomach, but the feeling passed. I've had some minor health issues lately and really can't afford to stress. I think I'm better than I thought I would be by now, but not yet at complete 'meh'. If I never reach total detachment, I still know I will be ok. The experts say that day will come, not going to rush it, just accepting where I am right now.
oh yeah ... just went through this ... mine married his "there's. nobody else" AP 6 months ago. It was upsetting to me, won't deny it. Now it doesn't really affect me at all.
time.
I’m happy that my ex’s second wife isn’t one of his affair partners. BUT you might take a certain satisfaction in knowing that being married to an affair partner has to mean a lifetime of looking over your shoulder. Because after all, if they’ll cheat WITH you, what’s to keep them from cheating ON you?
And she isn’t getting the guy YOU married. She’s getting an older version with a major character defect and a big hole of unhappiness inside that they’re trying to fill. No prize.
Hello Hope
Heard my X might marry OW. Felt sick to my stomach, but the feeling passed. I've had some minor health issues lately and really can't afford to stress. I think I'm better than I thought I would be by now, but not yet at complete 'meh'. If I never reach total detachment, I still know I will be ok. The experts say that day will come, not going to rush it, just accepting where I am right now.
(((Hugs)))
For what it’s worth there is a difference between detachment, indifference, and not caring.
Detachment is being not emotionally dragged around by his words, actions, or emotional state. Something you are quite secure in. You are detached.
Indifference is the absence of feeling. A void towards X. It is a strange place to feel nothing. Well actually, to not feel anything is probably the more correct way to state it. Nature abhors a vacuum and our other feelings loom larger against this empty backdrop which once contained such emotion. Take heart, those larger feelings do subside to normal.
Another item that becomes normal - indifference fades. It rolls back. Feelings are fleeting; and it seems the absence of such is temporary as well. It is highly recommended to find one’s beliefs and values during our indifference, during that time of muted noise from our spouse.
Find your beliefs, values, and convictions. And live them!
Do not seek complete ‘meh’; it serves you not. Seek desire, passion, life, the reason to get out of bed in the morning; and embrace it. Keep your heart soft and squishy.
Almost four years from BD for me. I hurt terribly. And I did die for a while. It is easy to die for one’s beliefs, it is quite another to live for them.
We let go of our spouse. Let go our anger. Let go that which doesn’t serve us. None of that needs to bring about uncaring. Do not equate whole and healed with needing to be unfeeling or uncaring towards X. In fact, I believe the opposite to be rather true.
It is quite alright to care about X. You are detached and will remain so. You will not remain indifferent. We find our way to let go and care at the same time. Meh, doesn’t cut it. Live a great life. Find acceptance and forgiveness.
Accepting the situation is important and necessary. Detachment and indifference are necessary steps along the path. Acceptance of one’s heart is another huge step along that path.
We all, in time, come to our precipice and mountain. Indifference gives way to our heart’s beliefs. Feelings return. Influence exerts. Choose to climb the mountain and rise. Strengthen those values that serve you. Craft that which you aspire to. And alter or discard that which does not serve you.
In what might sound counterintuitive, when the feelings return, embrace them. For those are beliefs rather than feelings. Our values shine through our indifference. Ensure they are worthy and noble; and let them light your life.
The rumour that your X might marry OW understandably stirred some emotions. Let them flit.
Personally, total detachment sounds cold and dark. Look to, and seek, something better. Let your light shine Hope.
D
My XH is marrying his AP in a week and a half. They were engaged only seven months post BD. The ink had barely dried on our separation agreement. I agree with KML. She’s getting the older version with a heck of a lot of shameful behaviour he needs to reconcile deep inside of himself. And every time he looks in our children’s eyes knowing he let them down. I’d much rather be single than have to live with the echo of my worst self.
He’s starting over and trying to reinvent himself. I get it. When you blow up your life so spectacularly, what else is there. I wish him well, tbh. I hope he manages to make the necessary changes and fully become the person she thinks he is. My kids could use that kind of a person for a dad. Time will tell, I guess.
With respect to him getting married, I have no feelings about it. Time and many, many reality checks have done their thing. He is not the kind of person I want to spend this last phase of my life with. You will get there too Hope. (((Hugs)))
Just my 2 cents: my XH married his AP about a year and a half after our D was final, but he moved in with her and started acting like a happy married couple about 2 weeks after our D was final. Initially I was very angry, but through counseling and self-reflection, I realized that I was working on myself and she was getting the "woe is me, my life is so pitiful and it is everyone else's fault" version of my XH. By all accounts, she still has that version of him as he continues to battle his health issues and his emotional issues but is now adding in distance issues from his daughters that HE is causing. It is a mess and I'm ever so grateful to no longer be in the middle of it. I took the time to work on myself and make changes that suited ME without worrying about how anyone else felt about it and when the time was right for me, I started dating again and eventually found love again, though I would've been ok if I hadn't because I'm pretty self-sufficient. While being the LBS can be challenging on the front end, in some ways, I think it serves as a spring board to allow us to kind of find ourselves again and start fresh.
I was very interested to read DnJ's post about indifference, detachment and not caring. My XH forced detachment quickly by packing up all of his share of our divided stuff and moving 1500 miles away to live with his AP. Not everyone gets that luxury, but not having to worry about running into him in the grocery store or gas station made it easier for me to detach quicker. While I understand what DnJ is saying, I honestly think I have some mix of indifference and not caring going on, but I don't think it is unhealthy. I don't wish death and destruction on my XH, but I honestly just don't care what he's doing. I don't ask after him or keep up with him on social media and I haven't actually had a conversation with him in over a year and only then because I had to. If he died tomorrow, I would feel bad for the girls and his family and friends, but I don't think I would even feel much sadness within myself because he is a person who I used to know. The version of the XH that I fell in love with and married no longer exists so it is hard to care about someone who could cheat on me after I went through all of his medical crises and near-death experience with him, holding his hand and supporting us financially along the way. I don't know if our story is unique, but I suspect it really isn't.
I say all that to say, detachment is a very good place to be. It is very freeing!
Mine married his AP in one of the sneakiest/shadiest ways I have seen. 10 months after we divorced he announced via text that he had married someone and that she was “honorable.” (Ha ha - methinks DEFINITELY not!) Then he told me not to be mad at the kids that they did not tell me as he swore them to secrecy. She had also been living with them for I don’t know how long and they were sworn to secrecy not to tell me. So ridiculously dysfunctional. The whole situation helped me detach as it was all too Jerry Springer-like dysfunctional. Nothing to be jealous of there.
We live less than a mile apart and I would see them in grocery stores walking hand in hand. They seemed to be deep in honeymoon phase.
Recently I learned they divorced 5 months after they married!!! He told my kids to keep that a secret from me, too?!??
I saw them 1 month before their divorce and they seemed happy as clams. All is not as it appears.
Seeing them together helped me detach. At first I was filled with dread of running into them. But seeing the shady way they lived, it helped me heal. I squared my shoulders and in my head said, have at each other!
Recently my older son had a huge blowout with his dad. He told him he has zero respect for him and all he has done. He told him that he is no family man. (I guess he has been calling himself “the family man” to them?!?!) He told him he’s a hypocrite and he has zero respect for him. My son told me he will never respect him.
Detachment happens when it happens whether there is tons of distance or not. Be kind to yourself and you will heal.
Recently I learned they divorced 5 months after they married!!! He told my kids to keep that a secret from me, too?!??
Bizarre. I could understand him not wanting you to know he was dating if he was concerned about your feelings, but swearing the kids to secrecy?! And why worry about you hearing about the divorce?!
(I guess he has been calling himself “the family man” to them?!?!
Wow! I'm happy for you your son can see the truth, sad for you that's the truth your son has to see.
HaWho,
Recently I learned they divorced 5 months after they married!!! He told my kids to keep that a secret from me, too?!??
I saw them 1 month before their divorce and they seemed happy as clams. All is not as it appears.
Be honest, was part of you happy they got divorced and didn't just ride off into the sunset? Did you enjoy the schadenfreude?
I know I'm not
supposed to care at all about what my now ExW is doing, but she started dating OM2 before moving out and filing for D and then moved him in (with my kids) shortly after we separated. They've been together now a year yet we've only been D a month. I see her speeding along with him (as looking back she did with me) and can see an engagement/wedding coming up in the near future, and there's certainly still a big part of me that wants to see it blow up in her face. Not to say I want her back at this point, but if it didn't work out and she needs to start fresh it would feel like we're more on an equal playing field - more "fair" so to speak. Yes, I realize...worry about me not her. Just saying...there's still points of anger where I'd love for things in her world to explode. Doesn't seem fear (seemingly) all is well with her, and us LBSs are left with a broken world.
I feel like your ex getting married and quickly divorced would be a bit of a boost or validation for you as the LBS.
BL42 - Truth be told I had several different veins of thought on it all.
I was truly heartbroken for my kids who had to live through all that turmoil. I still have a lot of anger towards him for thinking that my kids would accept her and this whole crazy situation. They had a very stable childhood and I just could not believe the dysfunction he introduced. They deserved a better role model.
Compartmentalizing, I found what he did absolutely laughable and I essentially told him so. On one of the rare instances we were texting it came up that I now knew he was divorced. I teased him for how fast he married and divorced her. I told him based on his speed of marrying last time, I was betting he married wife number 3 at the courthouse as he filed from wife number 2. I even asked if he married the clerk who filed his paperwork. I also told him my running theory was that he was already secretly married to court clerk only this time he kept it secret from even his own kids.
But yes, truth be told there is a part of me that feels vindicated. Like you can just walk off, marry someone you barely know, throw in all sorts of variables that complicate things and viola, happiness is yours? Such immature thinking.
He still can’t own it all. Ex told me he was really happy with her. He said my older son was the issue. And ex said it was easy to end it because of that. Of course my older son only had 1 year before leaving for college so what kind of true love is it that it couldn’t outlast 12 months. I know he used my son as his out and is too proud to admit it was all a mistake, not true love.
What a clown he became.
I see her speeding along with him (as looking back she did with me) and can see an engagement/wedding coming up in the near future, and there's certainly still a big part of me that wants to see it blow up in her face.
This is where you have to be careful BL. We say all the time that WS are selfish (which they are). Do you think it is good for your children to have their mom jump from one man to the next? Seems to be the type of woman your ex is right now.
Doesn't seem fear (seemingly) all is well with her, and us LBSs are left with a broken world.
Your world is only broken if that is how you view it.
I see her speeding along with him (as looking back she did with me) and can see an engagement/wedding coming up in the near future, and there's certainly still a big part of me that wants to see it blow up in her face.
This is where you have to be careful BL. We say all the time that WS are selfish (which they are). Do you think it is good for your children to have their mom jump from one man to the next? Seems to be the type of woman your ex is right now.
Good point LH. It gets so much more complicated with children. Obviously any anger and thoughts of ill-will I have towards ExW always has to be caveated with what's best for the kids. I don't want them seeing her jump from one to the next, but also have fears at times of OM2 raising them and don't want OM2 to be dancing with my daughter at her wedding instead of me (as I've seen happen before). I think what's more likely is she's rush into this one and it'll be glowing/good for several years but eventually have issues down the road, so speculating here but I see it lasting quite awhile. Anyway, I am doing everything I can to make them my priority and be their rock which is the important thing and all I can do.
Doesn't seem fear (seemingly) all is well with her, and us LBSs are left with a broken world.
Your world is only broken if that is how you view it.
True. Just saying...think all of LBSs have thoughts/wishes that things don't work out with our Exs and their APs.
I don't want them seeing her jump from one to the next, but also have fears at times of OM2 raising them and don't want OM2 to be dancing with my daughter at her wedding instead of me (as I've seen happen before).
This will only happen if you drop the ball on your end. This to me is more catastrophic thinking on your part.
have fears at times of OM2 raising them and don't want OM2 to be dancing with my daughter at her wedding instead of me
I get the first part of your fear--if your XW married someone who acts like a second father to your D--helps pay for college, is there when she needs her--I could see him being in the father/daughter dance. Your D's life is richer for the wider support network, but your father/daughter dance experience is lesser, and that's bittersweet. What I don't get is your fear of being OUT of the dance. If your D loves you both, she's going to dance with you both. I guess I've never feared being replaced. My XGF's XH has several people he calls mom and one he calls dad. In their case, it wasn't a competition. It doesn't have to be a competition.
@97Hope, how's your weekend looking? I hope have some good plans. (:
My weekend went a little sideways. I had a homicide right when my shift started and then I had to go in today to finish some reports. XH called to make sure I was ok because he heard about the shooting. I told him I was fine, but was actually very busy, so I cut the convo short and went back to work. I didn't feel anything. That was nice.
I was supposed to go out with the ladies tonight but we couldn't pull it all together.
Going to see my grandsons tomorrow and help the eldest beat a level on Sonic the Hedgehog. LOL. I don't play video games as a rule, but I've always been very good at them. My oldest son is 29, and I used to help him beat levels. The circle of life is awesome.
Other than that, I'm going to lay by the pool and soak up some vitamin D. Life is good. Bought some new dresses and shorts for my upcoming trips to see S24 and his new baby, and S19 graduate basic training.
I had a dream that Bud went with me kayaking. Even in my dreams, I'm craving some company. I'll think of something soon. : )
Going to see my grandsons tomorrow and help the eldest beat a level on Sonic the Hedgehog. LOL.
Coolest Grandma on the planet!
Thanks, KML and D!! I just got home. I will be home for 3 days and then off to see the youngest graduate from basic training.
It was tough coming home tonight.
I have not traveled at all since the D, which means I haven't traveled since I live alone. It was a strange thing coming home to an empty house.
I'm sad. I had a house full of people and now it's just me. The timing of it all - youngest went to college last summer, eldest and middle had already moved out - and XH lives by himself now too.
I am taking a moment to grieve the loss. This isn't the life I had planned. I came home to a nice apartment, left exactly as I left it, but it's empty.
I know that this wave is not what it once was. I know that these feelings come less and less, but right not, I hurt.
I miss the sounds of people in my house. I guess being around my middle, is wife, and two grandsons for the past 4 days just hit different.
I was thinking about life on the plane ride home. I don't really want a relationship, but I would like to get better at not being lonely.
I know all of you here have been here, and I take great comfort on reading your stories and drawing strength from them.
I'm blessed not to watch XH flirt with anything that moves. I'm blessed that I don't wonder when he's going to leave/file/get a new AP....
I'm better now than when I had all of that crushing my spirit.
Just a sad night.
Tomorrow going to visit with my son, DIL and 2 grandsons that live close (45 min). They just moved into a new place. I'm excited for them, although it's on XH's property. He lives 20 minutes away.
XH texted me a few nights ago and asked for a picture of me and the new grand baby. I sent him one. He replied "I wish I was there". I will see him at the graduation next week, but I am not worried about it. Just staying strong, but still squishy enough to love from a distance.
I'm all over the place tonight. Glad to be in my own bed, but miss my kids. I guess it's no different than any other empty nest mom.
My good friend suggested I embrace my new life. I believe I am for the most part.
Hope all of you are finding the joy in the day. xo
i believe part of embracing that new life is thoroughly grieving the old, when those moments come. Otherwise, imho, one isn't fully embracing a new life so much as using aspects of it to hide from the very real feelings divorce brings.
You're right, these feelings ebb and flow, like a wave and happily the waves get smaller and farther apart.
Time. Four letter word, that.
xoxoxo
hugs
Thanks B (((hugs))
You are right, I believe. We have to face grief head on, or we won't heal properly.
That night was very difficult. I went to work the next 2 nights, and then went to Oklahoma to see youngest S19 graduate from Basic Training. It was lovely. S19 was very emotional to see us and to leave again for his next training (4 more months). His girlfriend rode with me. XH took a plane and I picked him up from airport and we used my car to get around.
While at the graduation, he acted like we were still married. S19's drill instructor said something about me being XH's spouse, and XH didn't correct him, even went on to say something about me being his trophy wife (we were married at 19 y/o and he's always joked that he didn't age well and people think I am his younger trophy wife). I just let it slide off my back.
After family day, he wanted me to come to his room. I didn't at first, but then I did. Watched a movie and other things....Next day after graduation, I took him to the airport. Then he texted and called to see if I made it home safely.
It's nothing new in his world, really. He continues to act like we are still "us" when he's around me. If I don't stay strong, I fall back into the pattern.
Going to look at a house today. I'm excited with the prospect of getting out of the apartment.
Processing these things as they come and praying that I learn how to navigate this new normal.
I'm seeing a doctor on tuesday to figure out what's going on with my stomach. They think it's a giant ulcer and I'm just ready to get back to feeling physically strong.
Emotionally, I'm in a better place.
I sure hope this house works out and I can have more GAL activities that bring some joy. A new house would mean a lot of work that would be fun for me.
I think the apartment life isn't for me.
I hope everyone is well.
xo
Hey Hope, I'm sorry you were feeling lonely. Sometimes I wish we could communicate more directly--you know, pick up a phone and say "Hi!" I don't feel lonely tonight, but I know the feeling.
Watched a movie and other things
"Other things". Hmm..
I'm seeing a doctor on tuesday to figure out what's going on with my stomach.
Will keep my fingers crossed for Tuesday!
Hiya CW! YES. I wish we could talk more directly as well. Especially since I see that you went to the famous bat city in TX. lol My brother lives there, it's about 2 hours from me. It would be nice to have face to face, or even just a voice sometimes, but this helps a great deal.
.....
I viewed the house yesterday! I can do A LOT with it! It needs work, but I'm up for the challenge. I'm talking to lenders tomorrow and hopefully put in an offer.
Facetimed with my DILs and sons (2) while there and showed them around. They are all very excited for me. I am trying not to set my expectations too high but this looks like a perfect place for me.
It would also help to have projects to do on my days off. Making a home for myself would be great GAL activities.
I am not lonely like I was. I'm excited for my test tuesday to get to the bottom of my stomach pain and looking forward to a short week at work. Next weekend my grands are going to dinner and spending the night with me Friday. I am working an extra job saturday night (good pay!) and then back to my regularly scheduled life.
Also speaking to my work partner about a business venture. I'm excited about my future. A lot of moving parts but all moving in an upward direction.
Glad I spent time with all my kids and get to see them all soon. Youngest is going to finish his training in December, but we think I will be able to visit on some weekends.
Thank you for everyone for sharing your lives. It's a comfort.
CW. If you ever get back to TX, I hope to have a coffee and a hug! You have been a great friend on here!
xo
after we sold the marital home i moved into an apartment. lived there two years. NOT FOR ME, especially not after being a home owner for the better part of 20 years. Good luck with the house purchase and dr's appointment. xoxoxoxo
Thanks (((bttrfly))))!! Not for me either, although it was a soft place to land. Zero maintenance.
I just got an email that my loan paperwork is in and being processed!!
Ugh. I need two years of employment history for underwriting. I put XH through professional school and then ran the ranch, went back to school myself, and raised the boys.
Breathing and meditating now. I will not go bitter bunny. I will not resent the fact that XH has piles of money and could pay cash for my little dream house. It's not about him anymore.
I could stay in apartment for another year until I have the history. I don't want to, but I need to focus on the blessing of having enough money to cover rent.
Frustrated.
try another bank. small, local.
97Hope, I'm with butterfly. With artificial obstacles--e.g. limited employment history but stable income and/or savings--someone usually helps even if they charge an extra 0.25 percent interest.
Thanks, you guys! Lender called and said that if he can't get this through, he's already reached out to some local banks that do in house lending and would love me. I have excellent credit and enough money to cover the mortgage, but that would wipe out my savings and at these interest rates, it wouldn't be smart.
Just got off the phone with my partner (work) and we were dreaming and scheming on plans for the house. I'm ahead of myself but as Blondie would say, Dreaming is Free.
I feel good about buying a house on my own and excited for a new chapter. I'm not where I was several years ago!!
small and local are key, Hope. a small and local bank which services their own loans will often have extremely competitive rates, and more importantly, will view you as a person in your totality, rather than just a loan #. Don't give up!!
Fingers and toes crossed for you! I agree with bttrfly that small local banks will definitely view YOU and not just numbers. Best wishes for a new house adventure.
Thank you so much!!! I'm gong to talk to a local bank on Friday! (((Dawn))) It's good to "see" you! I've been trying to catch up with everyone as I took a break, but the connection has been funky last few days.
My offer was accepted!!! And my loan is being approved! I'm floating!!
Also had 2 major breaks at work and am feeling awesome about that.
I have a side job tomorrow night, and plans to see the grandsons on sunday. Next week busy with work it's my long week.
I have been on nights since January and I'm over it. I know there are people who prefer nights, but I'm not one of those. 8-8. By 3 am I'm ready to GO!
But I'm thankful for employment and a job that allows me to help and serve others.
Hope you all are doing well. Thanks for the support and encouragement and advice!!
x
FABULOUS!!! Congratulations!
yay!!! congratulations Hope!!!
Thanks, ya'll!!!! It's happening!! I've been to Lowe's with my DIL and we are having the time of our lives planning this out.
I realized how amazing it is to make all the decisions on my own. This house will be all mine exactly how I want it. I've never had that.
Thanks, ya'll!!!! It's happening!! I've been to Lowe's with my DIL and we are having the time of our lives planning this out.
I realized how amazing it is to make all the decisions on my own. This house will be all mine exactly how I want it. I've never had that.
It's a wonderful feeling!!!
When I built my house it was so fun to pick everything and not have to compromise on anything. I'm getting a taste of that again as we do the repairs at Mom's ...
I'm so very happy for you Hope. Enjoy every second of this time!!
Congratulations Hope!! Having your own space decorated your way is so awesome. I really started to enjoy my own company during the times I didn’t have my kids. Now that I am living with my sister, I don’t get that so much but she and her hubby work a lot so it happens more than one would think. It is nice sometimes to not have to consider anyone else when you make a decision. As my friend whose husband is away in Mexico renovating their vacation house said to me… “There is nothing like coming home to a quiet, clean home, looking in the fridge and thinking… Hmmm..I feel like eating cottage cheese for dinner… AND then getting to actually eat cottage cheese for dinner.”
. Have a wonderful time decorating!!! (((HUGS)))
(((Deja))) Thanks! lol mine is jello and popcorn. I cooked most every meal for the past 25 years, so it's nice to eat what I want.
*********
Had the inspection today. Going to have a lot to consider. It needs more work than originally anticipated. So I will come back with new offer and see what they say. Still in option period so I will be fine either way.
Just thankful for the excitement of my future.
I had a moment last week, talking to a good friend, who suggested that I move and start over somewhere else...basically, get AWAY from XH. He and his wife are dear friends of mine for years, they both know XH and he actually knows XH quite well.
Problem with that is, my kids and grands live here. I'm not losing another thing.
Other problem is, I was getting too comfortable with XH. Saw him in Oklahoma and things happened, then the next week he invited himself to come with me to a work party, and then 2 days later showed up at Church with his OW. (I don't go to that church, but Son, DIL and 2 grandsons so). DIL and son have been explicit on not wanting any contact with OW and especially the grands having any idea about her, but my XH is kind of a weasel like that. His fave phrases are "I didn't think you meant..." or "We're just friends..." or a plethora of other gaslighting/blame shifting/victim garbage.
The good news? It reminded me that I need to go no contact. I no longer think it's in my best interest to be friendly. At least for now and for the foreseeable future. It reminded me that he is sick and there's nothing I can do and acting "as if" needs to change (cheeseless tunnel). For myself, I need to heal and detach more. I thought I was there, but then I get sucked in. I will have contact with him when I am stronger and able to be cooler. Not for appearances, but because right now, I allow him to treat me like a wife. When I'm stronger, I can get to where I don't play into the game. It's weird and sick and I need to detach from that behavior, not be a part of it.
Anyway, while talking to my friend I started to panic. And I felt such a strong urge to move away I actually cancelled the purchase!!! Talk about operating out of emotion.
I prayed for hours, talked to 2 other friends, had a frank discussion with sons about my need to have NC with XH....and as soon as I made the decision to stay and go forward with purchase - PEACE.
Decided that geography isn't the problem. It's my heart. I think that by him showing up at Church, exposing the grands to that, and pretending that the emperor was wearing clothes, was the kick in the pants I needed to move forward.
Feeling relieved to be here. Blocked his number and know it's time and for the best.
Something I learned in academy: Cover + Distance = Time. So I will take cover, keep my distance, and allow time to do it's thing.
Hope everyone is doing great and appreciate all the well wishes!!!
xo
Hope,
I think just about everyone tries the friendly route in the beginning until they are exposed to the AP and that changes everything. There is only one person on the board that I know of that it works for and that is AS. If you are going to go NC that I would suggest that you stick to it so it doesn’t get confusing to your ex. I think a very important piece of the process that gets left out is the LBS explaining in certain terms how the relationship is going to look after D. IE we will discuss the kids only. We will only use text to communicate. Etc.
You’re doing great and I think it’s time to really drop the rope and move forward.
I think a very important piece of the process that gets left out is the LBS explaining in certain terms how the relationship is going to look after D. IE we will discuss the kids only. We will only use text to communicate. Etc.
I've debated this a LOT. I've said this before and he uses any excuse in the book to text or call. Our kids are grown (28, 24, 19) we have grandkids but he will use them to text i.e. sending pics of them, or asking for pics of them when I have them, bringing a chair for me to baseball games, only going to games he knows I am attending...
His friend suggested not saying anything, especially given the last time we were together along with showing up in public with the AP.
I know that if I attempted to set boundaries, he would just turn it around on me and play the victim. I think any explanation would go over his head. (he thinks he has done nothing wrong, and his image is everything so any threat to that "family guy" offends him.
His friend said I owe him nothing and even telling him the new rules would only give him access to me and that XH thrives on any attention from me.
I appreciate your opinions, advice and suggestions. Always have. Do you still think I should let him know? I think it's time my actions speak, since my words haven't lined up. (That's on me!)
You’re doing great and I think it’s time to really drop the rope and move forward.
thank you. Means a lot coming from you. and amen to really, truly, dropping the rope. It was like I woke up after 2 days of thinking about it and i was just done. Relief.
I think it's time my actions speak, since my words haven't lined up. (That's on me!)
Stop talking and just do it. If you're comfortable, ask the kids to stop letting him know whether or not you'll be at a game. A vague, "Not sure what her plans are" is all he deserves.
So often I've gotten stung by trying to be polite, not just with exh, but with others too. Become the grey rock.
Sorry that the house needs more work than you thought. I hope it's still worthwhile for you to move forward with the purchase. Hope, you have so much going in a positive direction, don't let the last time you saw him de-rail you. Our LBS journey is also a process. We're going to have bends in our road to our new selves and lives. You really are doing so well. Keep going forward. xoxoxoxo
Thanks, btrfly <3
I'm a person who cares little for words and trusts what I see, so yes, I agree. Stop talking.
In a nutshell, I spoke to each of my sons and said: I prefer not to talk about your dad. That's his business and none of mine. Encouraged them to talk to each other and trusted friends.
It's hard because historically we've discussed everything, but I know they understand my position and they actually said they are glad because he's being "so weird, mom".
----
I just received the inspection report and hopefully sellers will agree to lower terms or providing the repairs. If they don't I'm ok with it. I'll find the perfect place (perfect for me). Inspections are expensive, though! geez!!
Good Morning Hope
I know that if I attempted to set boundaries, he would just turn it around on me and play the victim.
Of course he will. As you said H cannot be seen as wrong and anything not following his script offends him. Oh well, too bad for him.
Boundaries are for you. Boundaries are for your mental, physical, and emotional health. They are not an attempt to change, alter, or fix our wayward spouse.
Know your boundaries. Base then not solely upon how you feel, ensure they have logical and reasoned underpinnings.
Set your boundaries. Clearly. By the way, one can have a clearly set boundary without saying a word.
Enforce your boundaries. Make them rock solid. H will test them. He will push and smash against them. Let him. Like waves crashing against the barrier it matters not, for you are safe on the other side.
Remember you only control you. Boundaries sometimes get mixed up into a power / control struggle. They are just you asserting your actions for your health when H crosses the predetermined line.
I've debated this a LOT. I've said this before and he uses any excuse in the book to text or call. Our kids are grown (28, 24, 19) we have grandkids but he will use them to text i.e. sending pics of them, or asking for pics of them when I have them, bringing a chair for me to baseball games, only going to games he knows I am attending...
His use of any and every excuse in the book to contact you can be blocked. Block his number. Or let his calls go to voice mail. Silent his number so his calls and texts make no noise. Check his message only once a week. Whatever level you think you require. Dim, dark, no contact.
In a nutshell, I spoke to each of my sons and said: I prefer not to talk about your dad. That's his business and none of mine. Encouraged them to talk to each other and trusted friends.
It's hard because historically we've discussed everything, but I know they understand my position and they actually said they are glad because he's being "so weird, mom".
The boys can see Dad’s weird behaviour. And they understand your need. However, I’d adjust your position a little.
I prefer not to talk about your father. That being said, I always will discuss things with you. If you and your life has confusion, questions, or problems; and those have an element of Dad in them, I will still be willing to talk. My love for you far exceeded my desire not to discuss H. I may not bring him up much, but you can if you need too.
Something like that. Perhaps.
Have a wonderful day Hope.
D
I've debated this a LOT. I've said this before and he uses any excuse in the book to text or call.
He was with you for a really long time. He of course has separation anxiety. You don't want to let him ween himself off of you.
Our kids are grown (28, 24, 19) we have grandkids but he will use them to text i.e. sending pics of them, or asking for pics of them when I have them, bringing a chair for me to baseball games, only going to games he knows I am attending... [/quote]
This is manipulation on his part. "Look kids mom is onboard with this too. We sit together at games, send each other pictures, watch movies together. It's all good".
I know that if I attempted to set boundaries, he would just turn it around on me and play the victim.
So let him. Who cares. Everyone knows the truth anyway.
I think any explanation would go over his head. (he thinks he has done nothing wrong, and his image is everything so any threat to that "family guy" offends him.
No explanation needed. If he pushes "think doesn't work for me".
I appreciate your opinions, advice and suggestions. Always have. Do you still think I should let him know? I think it's time my actions speak, since my words haven't lined up. (That's on me!)
Nope. Just start doing it. It is going to take a really long time for him to get it. I think it took my Ex about 9 months to realize we weren't friends based of my actions. Ignoring non-kid related texts, yes/no answers, no pleasantries other then "thank you" if warranted.
You’re doing great and I think it’s time to really drop the rope and move forward.
thank you. Means a lot coming from you. and amen to really, truly, dropping the rope. It was like I woke up after 2 days of thinking about it and i was just done. Relief.
Well unfortunately you are not done and won't be completely done for a really long time. It's a process. Just when you think you are 100% detached something will happen and you will realize you are not. It is possible you may never be 100% detached. Most of the suffering on the board comes from the fantasy of wanting the person to be something that they are NOT capable of being. This IMO is where you are stuck. I believe your Exh has had multiple affairs. This is who he is and he's likely not going to change. It's difficult to accept. But the quicker it happens the quicker you can move on.
Be kind and patient with yourself. It takes time.