Last thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2906396&page=1Reposting my last post:
Read this elsewhere about infidelity and it really describes my ex. We lived in a wealthy part of town, but he resented the people there who were more wealthy than us (we were just working doctor wealthy, not trust fund baby wealthy):
“The New York Times had an interesting article on a researcher of happiness. One of the traits of unhappy people is that they compare their lives to others a lot. If you need a reason for why he did this, midlife crisis, or whatever — I think a simpler explanation was he wasn’t a content person. He played compare and contrast and thought he could have more, at your expense. That’s not on you. That’s on him, his shitty character and inability to appreciate“
Just saw a post on a certain site about chumps by an old poster here (must be her, how many people have their husband divorce them while they are recovering from encephalitis and still not in their right mind?). Hoping she comes by to say hi. Was glad to see she's still around.
Well, yesterday afternoon my son calls me in a panic because there’s water dripping from the ceiling of our family room. He shuts off the water to the house for me, and this morning, after a lot of puzzling about, the plumber finds the pinhole leak in the hot water line that caused it.
I’ll need a guy to fix the damp drywall and the hole they had to cut out to fix it, but overall it could have been much worse. The leak was brand new, stopped quickly, no mold issues, and the repairs, while not cheap, are well under my deductible for my insurance - before I saw the damage I was afraid I might have to cough up the whole $5200 deductible. Instead, the total should be less than $1500 I think.
So grateful my son noticed it and it didn’t happen in the evening, when it might have gone unnoticed until morning.
Can’t wait for 2020 to be over!
kml, that old poster responded to your post on the other site.
She posts regularly on that site and has returned from Germany and is doing well.
Not sure if can search for her posts on the other site but I think it highly unlikely she will drop by here from what she has wrote in the past.
PS good luck with the plumbing.
Thanks for letting me know!
glad that was relatively manageable.
i just had to have my front stairs and side stairs re-done. neither were to code. the reason i've fallen no less than 4-5 times in that each tread is a different height, all well above the code maximum and to make matters worse, treads were too narrow and at an angle, forming essentially a ramp. As soon as water hit them, I would hydroplane. The last time I fell I thought I'd broken something. My son literally had to peel me off the step and it took over a month for the massive purple bruise to dissipate. Grateful I had the money for the repairs but holy moly, I could have used that for something else. And before anyone says drag the builder back - No. He screwed it up in the first place, so I place no dependence on it being done correctly. Not to mention my dad was literally in the ground less than 48 hours when the b@st@rd called me and wanted to buy my parents house. Side stairs especially have gone from 4 to 6 treads, with railings on either side, so my mother should easily be able to manage them. I popped for trex so I would not have to maintain anything.
Kml, you are a constant inspiration to me because you just get $h!t done. It lets me know that just because I'm a single woman doesn't mean I will always be taken advantage of in certain matters - like house repairs, or car stuff, especially. In my marriage there were certain areas of specialization, if you will. Exh took care of the house stuff and the cars. My lessons have been expensive, but I think I've learned them well, and don't tend to make the same mistakes twice, thankfully.
My ex did the house stuff too (although I worked with him in our remodels). He was the “expert” because he grew up in a construction family. During post-Dday stuff we had a doorknob on our front door that was broke. Old style no replacements avail. He did nothing about it. I realized the matching doorknob on the garage side door would match, took it off and replaced it in the front door. That was empowering.
Ex was also the “musician in the family” because he could play a dozen Neil young songs on acoustic guitar. After he left and I learned to play percussion I toured and played opening act in bills with famous headliners. I imagine him green with envy.
well, I should clarify: the major remodels and designs were all mine. he is an engineer, but not that kind of an engineer - cannot visualize remodel or construction - not even from a plan, which is strange to me, but whatevs ...
He worked as a construction apprentice, so is very handy when it comes to repairs, though, and he and my dad would tinker with cars all the time.
he is also an amazing guitarist, but wouldn't change the key in a song to match my range - couldn't understand that just because I can hit the high note in the Ave Maria does not mean I can hit that note in a rock song as well - different styles. Thought I was lying about my 3 1/2 octave range, or something. I dunno. I prefer to not think about it as it only makes me sad. Glad I'm out. Who needs to live like that?
the song was can't find my way home. I can sing it in Winwood's key, but it doesn't sound as good as in the same key as Bonnie Riatt's version (see youtube, with Lowell George sitting in) ...
That little exercise in togetherness brought many tears and weeks of my vocal teacher working to re-build my confidence. Geez.
Last thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2906396&page=1Reposting my last post:
Read this elsewhere about infidelity and it really describes my ex. We lived in a wealthy part of town, but he resented the people there who were more wealthy than us (we were just working doctor wealthy, not trust fund baby wealthy):
“The New York Times had an interesting article on a researcher of happiness. One of the traits of unhappy people is that they compare their lives to others a lot. If you need a reason for why he did this, midlife crisis, or whatever — I think a simpler explanation was he wasn’t a content person. He played compare and contrast and thought he could have more, at your expense. That’s not on you. That’s on him, his shitty character and inability to appreciate“
This post really made me think of my X. I like the part that says, "That's not on you". Sometimes I have flashes of self doubt and I have to stop myself. What he did is on him. And I wonder if he's happy. Sure, he might be at the moment, but being a person that's always looking for better, he may never be. And that's on him too.
Glad to here you leak wasn't too costly. I had a leak happen in D4 room, 2 years ago, that was from our A/C, that needed 1/4 of her ceiling replaced. If I can fix something, I try it myself, but this was beyond my line of work. Luckily my handy neighbor came to the rescue.
Glad I'm out. Who needs to live like that?
WE don't, bttrfly! We certainly don't!!! (I'm not much of a singer, but through voice lessons I learned that the break in my voice is right in the middle of most of the songs I tried to sing. I can actually do a passable job if I pick lower songs - like Tom Petty Breakdown - or songs that are all in head voice like Joni Mitchell songs. I've never been able to smooth that break out though. )
CanBird - yup, fortunately it only looks like maybe a square yard or two of drywall at the very most - maybe a lot less. I'll know more when the drywall guy comes. Only a small hole was cut so we can live with this for a while if the holidays and Covid mess with construction schedules. I have another small drywall repair that has needed doing for a while so I'll have them fix that at the same time. I was just so very fortunate that my son caught it when he did.
Just got a call from an old friend. His father in France just died of complications from being on a ventilator for Covid. The same day he was intubated my friend's uncle died. His godfather has also died of Covid. My friend just came back from France for the funeral and is distraught. Stay safe out there folks and take your vitamin D.
I am so sorry for your friend and his family. My condolences go out to him and his family. This has been a very tough year for so many. I hope he remains well and stays safe.
Xmas tree is decorated. Xmas shopping is done, if not all quite delivered. (Saw this meme on FB: “ I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but stop tracking that package. It’s in the Lord’s hands now” lol). Did a fair bit of housekeeping yesterday. Getting those home movies transferred to individual flash drives today for the kids. About to start wrapping presents after lunch. It will be a zoom Xmas - my son in LA county doesn’t feel safe coming for Xmas so we will meet in the middle to hand off bags of Xmas presents and will open them together by Zoom on Xmas.
My niece who is an ECMO ICU nurse working with the sickest Covid patients got her vaccine last night! We are thrilled.
I fall at the bottom of the first group because ours is not a true primary care practice but more of a specialty clinic so will not receive mine for weeks or possibly months. All the hospital workers, nursing homes need to get it first, then urgent cares and primary care offices, then me.
I’ll bake some cookies before then so I can include a box in my son’s bag of gifts.
I havent watched Love Actually yet this year but have watched Die Hard already! I’m overwhelmed by the hundreds of Hallmark type Xmas movies available to me on various platforms and so have avoided watching any!
I hope you all are getting in the holiday mood, I know this year is so difficult for so many. Share your ideas for creative ways to spend Xmas in this strange year.
Hi Kml,
I didn't decorate. House is a mess. Don't really care. I did buy a Norfolk Pine. Will maybe put some lights on it. I did buy Christmas presents. Have to wrap them.
Not sure I will see my son for Christmas. Hope I will, but not sure how that is going to work out.
Mom and I will zoom with whomever in the family wants to zoom with us. It will go much like Thanksgiving. I will put on a happy face for what is probably mom's last Christmas.
Don't mind me, I'm just in a bad mood today. Will come back when i'm more optimistic
(((((Hug)))))) Sorry bttrfly - you got a hella load in your plate.
{{(bttrfly})) - how are the wee chooks? Do you think Santa will bring them anything special?
This is not a Xmas cookie per se but it's my favorite cookie so it's what I'll be making. They keep well in a sealed tupperware (actually better the next day). They're chewy and crunchy, sweet and salty all at the same time.
Ranger cookies:
1 cup shortening (I use butter)
1 cup sugar
1 cup packed brown sugar
2 large eggs, room temperature
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups quick-cooking oats
2 cups corn flakes
1 cup sweetened shredded coconut
(I add some chopped walnuts too. For the love of God, don't add chocolate chips!)
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 deg;. In a large bowl, cream shortening and sugars until light and fluffy, 5-7 minutes. Beat in eggs and vanilla. Combine flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt; gradually add to creamed mixture and mix well. Stir in oats, cereal and coconut. (And nuts if you're using them)
Drop by rounded tablespoonfuls 2 in. apart onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake until golden brown, 7-9 minutes. Remove from pans to wire racks to cool.
This recipe easily converts to a gluten free recipe if you substitute Bob's Red Mill all purpose GF flour or some other flour, GF oats and buy GF corn flakes available at the health food store. Since flour is such a small part of the dry goods, it doesn't affect the taste or texture at all.
why no chocolate chips? everything is better with chocolate chips!
My family usually does a Christmas breakfast. Last year, Sparky and I were so deep in planning mode for the wedding that we didn’t take much time just for us so we are starting a new tradition this year. On Christmas Eve, I’m going to cook us a nice, late lunch meal and then when it gets dark, we are going to go for a drive to look at Christmas lights. When we get back home, we’re going to cuddle up on the couch, watch Christmas movies, exchange presents, and eat a few snacks that I’ll make while cooking late lunch. We both have a few faves that used to get served in our house to guests on Christmas so I’ll do a few of those and some Christmas cookies and we’ll just enjoy our evening, just the 2 of us and no company and no cell phones.
Oh and Sparky’s homemade wine. He’s taken up winemaking as a hobby.
Dawn - that sounds lovely!
bttrfly - chocolate chips are fine - in chocolate chip cookies. But not with these!
Dawn sounds like a beautiful new tradition
Andrew chicks are great doing well spoiled rotten they got a toy xylophone for Christmas whicch they are not doing too much with yet but I have also given them some home made scratch grains and made them spaghetti squash over the weekend
Will probably make them some treat for Christmas. They always make me happy.
Im going to maybe make some Christmas fudge and send it to various people In my circle
ICU bed availability in Southern California is now 0%. ZERO. For the love of god, people, be careful out there. Stay home.
Tonight I meet halfway with my son (who lives an hour and a half away) in a grocery store parking lot to swap bags of presents. We will open them via zoom on Xmas morning. It will be only the second time since the pandemic started that I have seen him in person. It's hard but it's what we have to do, I'm grateful he's being careful. Thank god for Facetime and the internet.
My last day in the office then a nice week and a half off. I haven't taken a vacation all year so this is much needed. Oddly what I am excited to do is organizing in my home. Being home so long, and not having the cleaning ladies coming every two weeks to force me to pick everything up, has led to a bit more clutter than I like and has demonstrated all the problem areas in the house in terms of organization to me.
A Christmas miracle is also happening in my house. I have two orchids that were given to me, on last year in October after my mom passed, on a Xmas present last year from a patient. I am bad with houseplants and usually kill orchids. Somehow, these kept blooming and blooming until just a few months ago. Now I noticed that both are putting out new flower shoots again! I have NEVER gotten an orchid to rebloom! I haven't even fed them. I only water them once a week and they must like the indirect light on my living room entry table where they live. The only other difference - which might be major - is that I started a few months ago using the filtered water from the fridge to water them, rather than the tap water.
The only other difference - which might be major - is that I started a few months ago using the filtered water from the fridge to water them, rather than the tap water.
Chlorine? I know that our business selling hydrofluorosilicic acid has dropped off quite a bit in recent years as more and more communities stop fluoridation. I have a stack of the kegs we used to package this in at the back of the warehouse somewhere. So perhaps your filter is taking out the flourine as well? We don't do much with chlorine based chemistry - nasty nasty stuff - chlorine is a very active oxidizer and can get released fairly easily. We do a bit of ferric chloride but that's mostly because we use it ourselves to treat our waste water.
There's a number of sulphates used in water treatment as well that your filter may be removing - if you need some - I know a guy
Oddly I have a habanero - one of the extra spicy varieties as a house-plant in the upstairs bathroom and it's been blooming quite a lot lately. A bit surprising given how cold the house is. And also the fact that it's now nearly 3 years old. I never expected it to live out a season like it's brethern that I grew outside. It doesn't seem to want to set fruit though and they are supposed to be self-pollinating. Ah well - it looks nice.
Had a nice Xmas despite all the limitations. My middle son changed his mind and decided to come down for a couple hours on Xmas eve - we were all masked, 6 feet apart with windows open, he ate in the backyard separate from us, so we think it was as safe as we could possibly make it. Everyone loved their presents (even though several are still in transit!) and it was great to see my son for only the second time since the pandemic.
I’m glad to have the next week off and have lots of things I plan to get organized. Actually started on my bathroom yesterday but then took a long nap yesterday afternoon; will finish that today.
Just heard some sad news about my ex-MIL. (She was a WAW when my ex was a teenager, after we were married I was instrumental in bringing about a reconciliation between my ex and her. I don't agree with how she went about leaving her marriage but her husband would have been difficult to live with.) Anyway, my son tells me she had knee replacement surgery last week, got an abscess from the spinal anesthesia and is now having neurosurgery. She has Parkinsons and is in her early 80's now I think. This does not sound good at all.
When she first left, none of the three boys in the family had any contact with her (the girls stayed in touch). My ex reconciled with her in his twenties, one brother waited until his 40's, and one brother in his 60's still has never spoken to her to the best of my knowledge. Very sad.
My office is closed between Xmas and New Years, my partner and I each go in once during the break to handle refill faces. Today was my turn, and I got two calls today from patients with new cases of Covid (one confirmed, one just suspected but very likely. ) Be safe out there everybody.
I'm hearing lots of stories here too. A good friend's 89 year old mom is in ICU ... she's thankfully responding well to treatment. Another friend's EMT son has it. She was helping a friend with her mom and now can't go home because she's high risk and her husband and daughter have been exposed. Another friend's elderly neighbors both caught it from a relative who was a caregiver of theirs and both passed.
My brother from another mother has long haul syndrome and trust me, you do not want that.
I have to go to the grocery store this morning and I feel like I'm suiting up for a battle.
Be mindful and Stay safe is my motto.
xoxoxo
Bttrfly - tell your brother from another to try a low histamine diet and two kinds of antihistamines - a non-sedating antihistamine like Zyrtec or Claritin (called H1 blockers) and the stomach acid blocker Pepcid (a different kind of antihistamine called an H2 blocker). I follow an online group of Long Covid patients, and of all the things they have tried, this seems to be the intervention that helps the most people.
Also many long haulers seem to develop POTS, when they do they may respond to POTS treatments like beta blockers.
Hope all are having a happy New Years Eve - safely. CMM had chemo today, we will be drinking a little Prosecco tonight (very little for him if I have my way!). A box of Sees candy (was given a gift card for Xmas). While he was having chemo I got some things done. The four Covid patients I am watching right now (plus a couple husbands who aren’t my patients) all seem to be turning a corner. The one I was really worried might end up in the hospital has been hanging on and slightly improving. Not out of the woods yet but I’m relieved.
Started my Thousand Mile Challenge this morning with a quick two mile walk before breakfast. I’ll try to get another mile or two in later today. I’m determined to reach my goal this year. (Last year was a total bust for many reasons but mostly CMM’s illness). CMM will just have to sit with his anxiety over me being out walking (in my super safe suburban neighborhood! ) He might even have to reconcile himself to me walking at night , but I’m gonna try to get most miles in the morning if I can.
We had a nice quiet New Years Eve, drank some Prosecco and danced to Frank Sinatra as we watched the ball drop in New York.
Got three miles in this morning before breakfast. Got my downstairs hall closet cleaned out and rearranged yesterday, working on my bedroom closet some more today (needed to get the downstairs closet done to get rid of a couple things that had been in my bedroom closet).
I’m moving my drum kit downstairs to the living room and that will make it much easier to finish my closet cleaning/reorganizing. I’ve taken two bags of old
out already. I’m sure I’ll probably have another bag before I’m done. I can get in a ruthless mood when I’m purging!
Just had a convo with a friend who is a nurse at a local hospital. He tells me that yesterday 10% of the staff tested positive for Covid. (They do routine screening testing).
Also yesterday my city had 4400 new cases of Covid and 58 deaths. Two months ago we averaged 350 new cases a day. And don’t forget , Covid patients that end up in ventilators end up in the ICU for weeks or even months. Rationing of care is already here, even if it’s not being admitted yet.
Be very careful out here folks.
Fascinating to watch how all of this has transpired. Remember when New York, Jersey and a few others were just getting cratered? At the same time my state and much of the west coast had very little. Now NY has been doing much better but California is getting blasted. Yet is there a state that has more lock downs, regulations and requirements than California, yet with all of these the numbers are still way up and hospital beds are still running short. Meantime my state has few regulations, peaked a few weeks before thanksgiving and finally had a handful of patients use the 9 million dollar over flow temporary facility as hospihlizations topped 2,200 which was about 85% capacity for us. All sorts of warnings came that it would get worse after thanksgiving and we’d likely run out of beds. Instead the opposite has happened and we continue to be on the downward end. By Christmas we were down to 1,350 hospitalized. Today we are just over 1,000 or well under half of only 2 months ago and clearly the opposite of any holidays spike - TG or it would appear Christmas though a bit premature to tell for certain for Christmas. The 9 million dollar facility is again vacant having treated 168 total patients before going dormant again. Was checking EarthCam over NYE and was surprised to see Dublin Ireland shut down again. Sure enough they are having a third huge spike with higher numbers than ever before! So clearly it’s not just the USA. Hmmmmmmmm.
Clearly the ability to accurately predict and certainly effect the numbers has proven to be very limited. Places with huge restrictions are doing no better than some of those without them. Places that started off really bad are doing better, until they are not. One county in my state had zero cases through nearly summer. Not a single case for months! Now they are at the top of the list for new cases. It’s their turn. It would be nice if we could take meaningful measures that proved to make a significant difference. So far I’m not seeing them. To me it sounds like most of the rest of medicine. Other than infections, we don’t cure much, we just manage it. Cancer and heart disease are still huge killers despite great efforts. We’ve done pretty well with HIV and AIDS. Hopefully it will be the same with covid. But I think back to the predictions and reactions to HIV and see not much has changed. We still have a lot to learn about the practice of medicine. Hopefully covid will run its course in CA and get better like NYC. Lots and lots of people in one area though. So far I hear for my state that 1 in 12 people have been infected since this all started. At least 92% have not. The record breaking time that operation warp speed started getting effective vaccines into peoples arms will probably save more lives than everything else that was tried - combined. I’m thinking thats our best chance out of this, which if we even keep to 1 in 10 being infected before vaccines are wide spread, that would be pretty good. Sadly I’m not sure we’ve learned anything. Everyone still thinks their way is the right way, politicians think they know more than physicians, and stopping the spread of a virus has proved to be a huge task. Hopefully I’ll be in the 9 out of 10 group. On my third bottle of hand sanitizer trying.
I think the rapid increase in my state, while partly due to irresponsible holiday behavior starting with Halloween, is also likely due to a mutated form of the virus that is more contagious. We are something like 43rd in terms of nations doing genomic testing on the virus, so I believe we just missed it when the newer, more contagious version appeared. Now that they are looking they are finding it wherever they look in my state.
I’m just waiting for my turn to get the vaccine and hoping it comes in time. Taking my vitamin D.
Phew! Master bedroom closet is done! While there’s still a little purging and arranging I could do, it looks pretty good. Only problem is where to put the Goodwill donation bags. I suspect they are closed for donations right now due to the lockdown so I may have to find a spot in the garage right now. (Anybody need any hangers? Lol)
I learned I do not need to buy any more shoes for the next couple years. Or any clothes really. I learned I’m far too ready for cold weather that never comes (ski jacket, wool scarves, a wool pea coat that I’ve never really worn because it’s too warm!). And that I have a boatload of band T-shirts. And if the occasion ever arises again to wear fancy dresses, I have outfits. Seriously I can’t foresee any event in the next couple years that I don’t have clothes or shoes for. I’m not a clothes horse but I seem to have accumulated plenty. Which is ironic because I tend to wear the same few outfits every week.
Next step will be to organize the hanging clothes by categories (work clothes, casual weekend clothes, dress up clothes, onstage performing clothes, freak cold weather clothes Lolol).
I got rid of a shoe rack which I realized hid the shoes too much - I didn’t know what I had and kept buying near-duplicates! I substituted an open shoe rack that I happened to have instead and it’s much better - I won’t forget what I have.
I also ruthlessly purged any shoes that weren’t perfectly comfortable. I’m too old to suffer for beauty.
There’s still nooks and crannies in the house that need organizing but these two closets this weekend have given me great satisfaction, and surprisingly large amounts of stuff have been purged.
Here’s to a new year unencumbered by excess stuff.
I try to follow the "one thing in - one thing out" rule although there has been more out than in for some time. I was actually just trying to think and I believe that I currently have about the same amount or perhaps less stuff than when we moved into this place from a one bedroom apartment if you don't count my workshop. And that is just a couple of stationary tools plus "stuff".
One thing that strikes me about the somewhat minimalist way I have with stuff is that it opens up so many possibilities. That and the financial ability that if I need something I can just go and buy it helps.
A friend of mine from Guatamala once described to me how the used clothing business works. It's quite the process going from collection in richer countries through sorting, packaging, distribution and out to the people who re-sell the clothes out their back door in poorer countries.
For your old clothes and shoes would perhaps the local Woman's shelter be taking donations? I would expect that your surplus items are all of good quality.
I worked on our bedroom closet one day last week and it was a TON of work. I should probably say my closet, because while it is not a huge walk-in closet or anything, it is a decent size and Sparky has like 5 things hanging in it and one suitcase in the bottom of it. Everything else is mine. So I went through and really ruthlessly culled clothes and shoes. I am one of those people who has a crap ton of clothes but wears the same 5 or 6 things all the time. There really is no need for that much stuff. I have some nice blouses and dress pants that I never wear and since I'm a fat girl, I figured a local consignment shop might be my best bet because they are usually short on plus size clothes. Right now, the bags are still sitting in my dining room, because I didn't want to drive to town last week just for that, but I'm going to stop by a local shop this week while I'm in town for work and see if I can offload the stuff. That way I can earn a little money but not have to mess with it. Barring that, I don't know where I will donate them because I am not sure our local thrift store is currently taking clothing items.
It really is a huge task to fully clean out and organize a closet. I thought I could do it in an hour or so and I literally worked like 6 hours one day getting it done and still need to make another pass through and cull out some more stuff. I have decided, though, that January is my organization month. I get up at 4:15 am with Sparky and he leaves for work at 4:45. I don't leave for work until 5:45 so that gives me an hour to get ready and organize something. So, I'm making a point of organizing one thing every morning in my "down time" before I leave for work. This morning, I tackled the kitchen drawers. We have a small, galley style kitchen with only 4 small, narrow drawers so I had to be creative in how I organized them to hold all of our stuff, but still be usable. I also purged some of the extras of the several veggie peelers, extra pizza cutters and metric crap ton of paring knives of varying quality. I was pleased with how it all looked when I left, if I do say so myself.
I would expect that your surplus items are all of good quality.
That would be a big assumption! Since I shop mostly at discount stores like Ross AND TJ Maxx. I must admit though, I'm starting to see the attraction of a good-quality capsule wardrobe.
I also purged some of the extras of the several veggie peelers, extra pizza cutters and metric crap ton of paring knives of varying quality.
Yes, my kitchen has many duplicates because of CMM bringing his kitchen stuff and not wanting the boys to use his stuff. When he finally passes I will be doing some serious purging of utensils in the kitchen. Fortunately I have enough space in my kitchen.
I like the idea of doing a little organizing task everyday. I still have to do my bedroom (which still contains some of the mess from doing the walk-in closet) - that will be my project for next weekend. Then my mom's old bedroom, which was used for Xmas package hiding and my one son is using the closet for his excess stuff, needs to be turned back into a guest bedroom for the guests we might be able to have some day after the pandemic passes. It's also designated to be the sick room if one of us gets Covid.
It is very satisfying to purge things. Since my t-shirt drawer is full, I will need to adopt a one in/one out plan for it. They are all now neatly folded in a Marie Kondo sort of way so I can see what I have. I still have a Randy Rainbow t-shirt arriving that was a Xmas present from one of my sons so I will have to find one to give away.
The big challenge will be the garage, which needs purging as well. I have stuff from all of my kids previous abodes plus one son's ex-girlfriend etc. I've already gotten rid of quite a lot in the past year but it's still too full. A three car garage can be a blessing OR a curse! It also functions as storage for my medical charts and an auxiliary pantry.
I agree that purging is satisfying. For me, when I was going through my divorce, it was extremely cathartic. I moved from our shared marital home to a much smaller duplex and I got rid of a ton of stuff then. I lived in that little place for about a year and a half before I moved home and when I moved here, I moved to a larger house than my duplex, but still not as big as what I had lived in when married, because it was just me and the dog, so no need for a huge house. I purged again then. And, when I moved to Sparky's last fall, I purged even more, but still have a lot I can do.
As far as my organizing every day, I just needed something I could focus on and feel productive about to reset my mind. I am not at all a big primper and I eat breakfast with Sparky before he leaves, so it really only takes me about 10 minutes to get ready, if even that, so I have at least 30 good minutes of time to do something productive. I realized it will quickly become a game, too, in that I will do whatever I'm going to do without mentioning it to Sparky then see how long it takes him to notice. We're just weird like that. LOL
A month or so ago I got some of those little fabric box dividers for my underwear drawer. that has been a life changer in terms of organizing what was always a sloppy mess. Well worth the $15 or so on Amazon.
And lest anyone get the wrong idea from me name-dropping Marie Kondo, I’m more of a “socks on the floor/ book piles on the nightstand “ kind of person - just aspiring to be a little tidier. (Somehow autocorrect just tried to make me tell you I was aspiring to be a little yogurt lololol).
I was aspiring to be a little yogurt lololol).
Isn't there a song about that?
"I'm a little yogurt,
filled with healthy fats,
here is my sock drawer,
there went the cat
If you want to be healthy,
eat some up,
in a lahsi, but not with brats"
Hmmm - better not give up the day job.
So excited that I was finally able to get an appointment to be vaccinated on the 13th! That will be a huge relief to get that started.
Had a long text conversation with my middle son last night. He'd had a short phone conversation with his father and needed to check in with someone who understood how bad he can make you feel, all while appearing so "nice".
The family cat stayed with my ex - it had been this son's cat. The cat is old (17) but not ancient. Ex tells son that he believes the cat is going to die (on her last legs). Son innocently asks if he has taken the cat to the vet and ex replies that he "doesn't trust vets" (he's a doctor and he doesn't trust veterinarians???) and that he'd "felt her for lumps" and was giving her vitamins.
Now - of course feeling for lumps doesn't rule out kidney disease or infection or diabetes or thyroid disease or any number of other treatable ailments that a cat might have as they get older. And he's treating the cat with vitamins after spending years deriding me for using vitamins and supplements in my practice??? Seriously???
And as my son says, he's a well-off doctor, just find ANOTHER vet if you don't like the one you have. I mean, we all realize a 17 year old cat MIGHT be dying of old age, but she equally well might have some treatable condition, one that a VET would know a lot more about than a surgeon!!! Ugh.
Meanwhile - just got a call from my tenth patient to contract Covid since Xmas.
Doctors make the absolute worst patients I am sure. Not a huge surprise that "he knows best" about the cat. You hear apocryphal stories all the time about doctors doing their own veterinary work.
An old friend of mine's wife used to be a specialist in doing sex determination surgery on fetuses - not sure if that's still a thing or not. She switched to be a regular OB GYN as she found it too stressful. My friend and I were out at the pub one day and called her to see if she could do a sex change on one of my cats - I had a male and female and didn't want kittens around. She - ahem - asked if we'd been drinking
Stay safe down there. Reports from your part of the world are getting more and more disturbing by the day. You probably have a few weeks yet to go before the post-Christmas surge passes - it undoubtedly has a ways to go before it peaks. They are talking here about shipping patients from the urban areas up here because of a lack of capacity.
We just moved all our new patients to next month so that we are not seeing any patients in the office until February, all appointments will be virtual. My partner gets vaccinated this weekend, I get vaccinated Wednesday, two of our staff later in the month (our third staff member just found out she’s pregnant so she can’t get vaccinated! ) . I’m having all groceries delivered right now and not going anywhere but to my office. I’m telling my patients “don’t go on ladders or use power tools or do anything that might result in an accident sending you to the ER! “
I’m just trying to stay safe until my vaccine kicks in . So grateful to be able to get it.
Btw Andrew pretty sure what your friend was doing was sex reassignment surgery in infants. This was done in cases of ambiguous genitalia in intersex babies. It has largely fallen out of use now (in part because the “assigned” gender often didn’t match the true gender or orientation of the child). Intersex activists have brought this change about.
Donated 4 boxes and 5-6 big bags of clothes and household items today. Nowhere near minimalism but definitely feeling inspired to get rid of more extraneous belongings!
18 miles into my thousand mile challenge, plan go get another 3-4 miles in today. My business partner got her first vaccine today, she’s so happy. Mine will be Wednesday. Can’t come soon enough.
Also cleaned a whole box of books out of my bookshelves! I’m on a roll! (Wish I could get into using Kindle but I just prefer paper books. )
Also cleaned a whole box of books out of my bookshelves! I’m on a roll! (Wish I could get into using Kindle but I just prefer paper books. )
My upstairs hall used to be lined on both sides with book-cases with the books double-stacked in them. About 45% of them went to my ex. When S moved in with all of her books I did a hard purge to make room and am now down to about 3 bookshelves.
It was telling to me at one point that the books were at one point covered with a thick layer of dust. There is just such an overwhelming amount of content out there that going back to re-read my old friends never happened so I don't (much) regret the forced down-sizing of my library.
I switched to an e-reader (Kobo) quite a few years ago and there's no going back for me. It's nice to be able to do what I did yesterday and sit in the tub (it's waterproof) and read. The big drawback of it - other than occasionally being frustrated by a dead battery is that it conceals the height of my to-be-read pile. I also have a paranoia about the books that I do have electronically vanishing over time. Technology moves on but the printed page endures.
We had a massive county wide power outage once and I just think - if all my books were electronic, I wouldn't have been able to read through the apocalypse lol!
I'm totally with kml on this one. I can't seem to get into Kindle or any of those other readers. I want to feel, smell, touch those books while I'm reading. I am an avid reader, but do not have a vast collection, as I try to keep my personal library to just those favorites that I will read and re-read over and over again. My "daily reading" is usually books purchased on the cheap from a library book sale or given to me by friends and I tend to pay those forward when I'm finished with them. I do have a small personal library. It has a large series (and a couple of sub-series) of a book I discovered awhile ago that I just find extremely powerful, positive, and uplifting. I also have a couple of old favorites, along with a few self-help/inspirational type books. Like I said, I don't keep a huge personal library over time outside of books that have a specific meaning to me, but I'm constantly reading books then passing them on to my mom, friends, co-workers...whoever needs a new (to them) read. Of course, Andrew, I'm not a bath tub reader, so if I were, that might sway me the other direction. I'm a shower girl, but if we get a hot tub on our back deck at some point, I may become a tub reader.
Got my first shot of the Moderna vaccine today! Yay! No symptoms at all so far tonight. I’m so relieved to get it.
Now to plan out my decluttering projects for this weekend.....
Yay! Congrats on getting dose 1! What a relief. Hope is on the horizon! I got the moderna one too. Zero side effects day one and was able to hike 17 miles the day after. I hope you continue feeling great! Have fun decluttering!
Congratulations on getting the shot! My 87 year old mother gets hers on Monday. I can't wait for her to get it.
Sounds like you are on a roll with your decluttering projects. Good for you!
Nothing but a slightly sore arm today.
Everyone that I have spoken to has said that their arm was slightly sore. Is a larger needle being used to administer the vaccine?
Hope your arm is better soon.
No, I don't think so. It didn't hurt at all at first. Just gradually got a little sore - probably as the immune reaction begins. Not really different from a flu shot. I do think the nurse made an extra effort to make sure it went into the muscle (which it should) - she gave it a little higher up where the fat layer over the muscle is thinner.
Unfortunately all my coworkers are having viral reactions to the second dose. Fever, chills and headaches. They hit 12 hours later but didn’t last too long. My second dose is next Tuesday. I’m bracing myself .
Well it's actually a good sign that they made antibodies with the first shot. Annoying but a good sign for future immunity.
Some sore muscles in my neck last night so took some Tylenol before bed - today all of that is gone and the soreness in my arm is almost all gone.
Yay! Was able to schedule my second dose on a Thursday afternoon (I don't see patients on Fridays) giving me plenty of recovery time just in case. (I'm not prone to vaccine reactions in general though and have no history of allergic reactions at all so I'm not overly concerned).
My mother got her shot yesterday and said she didn't feel a thing. She goes back in 3 weeks at gets her second shot.
I'm so glad you are doing well and getting your second dose Thursday. Stay safe.
Not this Thursday - next month on a Thursday. It's 4 weeks between Moderna shots.
I tell you, I follow a group on FB of Long Covid patients because I had a couple patients early on with bad Long Covid. If people could read what these poor folk are going through, they'd be eager to get the vaccine.
(It's not well understood and there's no real treatment, but I would say the thing that has seemed to help the most people in the Long Covid group is a low histamine diet and taking both an H1 and an H2 blocker. Also taking it slow and not pushing too hard with physical activity. Alcohol and sugar seems to really set them back. )
How rare is it? I've heard of some people with symptoms lasting much longer than what's typical, but wasn't sure how common it was.
We don't have a good handle on the real long-term long Covid patients (the 6-12+ month kind), but it's definitely not rare. I had one patient with it referred to me, but also out of the 30 or so patients in my practice who got Covid earlier in the year, 2 had some Long Covid symptoms (one is my partner's healthy 30 year old son who has just a week of flu-like symptoms and loss of smell in March in NYC, but still now has intermittent days of severe fatigue and some cardiac symptoms. )
Overall, I'd say 10-20% of my outpatient mild-to-moderate cases have had some long-term sequelae. I've seen new onset diabetes, new onset asthma, hearing loss, orchitis (inflammation of the testicles which can cause infertility), one patient had to go on oxygen at night - not to mention the people who just had a cough and fatigue for 5 months.
There are a lot of long haulers. That’s why I get so mad when people say it’s a virus that has. “99% survival rate” say that to the 52 year old man we discharged to LTACH on a trach to vent who will likely be vent dependent for the rest of his life because of his fibrotic lungs. Or the same that we have had at our hospital for 300 days. They survived. But look at them. One will likely never make it home, the other will require a lot of care if he does
It’s just an awful virus
Yes, studies on hospitalized Covid patients show up to 2/3 have some long term cardiac, kidney, brain or lung disease as a result. Nasty virus.
I don’t deny that there are a lot of people who THINK their symptoms are due to covid. But are they really and if so where’s the proof? This is anecdotal reports at best from people who have convinced themselves of something. This has been going on forever and long before covid existed. There are people who swear their aches and pains and a dozen other things are due to their fibromyalgia. Problem is roughly half the physicians in the country think fibromyalgia does not even exist. Some of these people are just nutty - it’s apparent when hearing them speak. Some have real pain they want to put a label on. Some make their own symptoms worse by stressing themselves out and obsessing over it.
There is a VERY SAFE medication used to treat opioid addiction. Yet some patients blame everything and anything they feel, to be due to this medication - everything from loss of memory to their hair or their teeth falling out. Getting off of this medication is no picnic and takes some patients more than a month to start to feel normal again. Yet others try to claim 2 years after not taking a single dose, they still have withdrawals or post acute withdrawal because of it. Again the only problem is it has never been supported by peer reviewed studies or research.
This is just 2 of countless examples. I’m not saying it’s not possible for a virus to cause longer lasting issues. What I am very much saying is at this point we dont have actual scientific evidence, peer reviewed and well studied to support it. That makes it self reported and anecdotal. But hey, if you saw it on Facebook or the internet, it must be true.
Don, I have to strongly disagree with you. What we are seeing with Long Covid may give us a lot of insight into those previous chronic fatigue patients, as their symptoms are so similar, but I can guarantee you this is NOT just "all in their heads".
First of all - we DO have concrete proof of many of the long term damages. Sophisticated heart tests show damage, kidney function is decreased, we know the virus can enter the brain, neurological and dermatological conditions have been observed, GI symptoms occur and the virus can be shed in the gut for months, etc etc.
Second the patients I have seen with serious chronic-fatigue type Long Covid syndrome had no reason to want to be sick or to benefit from being sick. And their symptoms were shockingly similar to what Long Covid patients are reporting online. They are definitely NOT making this up. And frankly the ignorant attitude that they must be, is making many of their lives infinitely worse. Most of these people were very functional in their lives before this hit. Athletes, teachers, high energy people - now one person posted with excitement today that for the first time in 8 months they were able to read a book!
Mast cell activation syndrome (acquired from the virus) seems to play a role in many. Some develop POTS. Other have developed autoimmune conditions triggered by the virus (we have research showing that Covid antibodies target many proteins that are targets of autoimmune disease. ) Some lose large amounts of weight (like 25-50 lbs or more) with no explanation (probably mostly due to malabsorption from the GI effects of the virus, undiagnosed celiac disease triggered by the virus, hyperthyroidism triggered by the virus, or lack of appetite triggered by loss of sense of smell and taste - still for many there's no explanation yet). Some may have adrenal damage from the virus although no one is really studying that well yet. Don't forget that mononucleosis can cause severe fatigue for up to 6 months. Why is it so difficult to believe that a brand new virus might affect some susceptible people for even longer than that?
To everyone out there - if you have a family member or friend who is suffering from this - THEY ARE NOT MAKING IT UP! I hear heartbreaking stories in the Long Covid group of people being abandoned by their spouses or family members just because they think they should be "over it" in two months. Don't do this to them. It's real, it's awful, and we don' know how to treat it yet (like I said before, the antihistamine approach is the only thing I've seen so far that seems to help some people, not all. ) And if they push too hard too soon they almost always relapse. They have to take it slow and gradual as they increase their activity. The athletes struggle with this but almost always pay the price of pushing too hard.
BTW, although I do not specialize in treatment of chronic fatigue syndrome, I do have a couple of patients that I inherited over the years. Both have tried everything in the book to get well. One is maintained on a very weird combination of medications that a previous physician started him on, it was the first thing in ten years that allowed him to function like a human being so I don't mess with it, even though it's unproven. He limps by in his life. The other is a woman who has shown me the photos of herself when she was a wild young thing on a motorcycle. She had many adventures in her life and was always a high energy person. Now she struggles with the simplest activities of daily life.
Neither is neurotic. Neither is benefiting in ANY way from being ill. I pray that we will be able to learn more about their conditions by studying this large group of similar patients that Covid has dumped on our doorstep.
And btw Don, just because a doctor can't diagnose something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I have another patient with a deteriorating condition over several years. I figured out parts of the puzzle - a peculiar unexplained dysautonomia, a mild case of Ehlers-Danlos syndrome hypermobility type with POTS syndrome - but it took her finally seeing several specialists to get an esoteric antibody test from Germany which confirms that she has an autoimmune small fiber neuropathy causing most of her symptoms. She now is being treated by a university team of specialists with IV immunoglobulin infusions and the cancer drug Rituximab. Only her intelligence and persistence led to the final diagnosis, which I bet not one out of 50 patients could have gotten that far through the system to access.
Just as an aside - being a tech / mechanical type of guy I've always been impressed that doctors can get things right even a few times.
I had a flickering lightbulb in the bathroom this morning - was able to remove it, take a look at the contacts and screw it back in. Might just have been loose. If it fails again, I can actually disassemble things and perhaps swap parts. Doctors have to do all this with very limited visibility into the various parts and systems involved and they can't just swap parts until they get the faulty one.
Bad joke time ....A colo-rectal surgeon decided that he had enough of dealing with a$$holes all day and decided to become a diesel mechanic.
So he goes to diesel mechanic school, takes the courses and is surprised when on the final exam he got 150%. He questioned this.
The instructor said that 50% of the mark was for disassembling the machine properly. 50% was for putting it back together properly.
.
.
.
And he awarded an extra 50% bonus because the student did it all through the tailpipe ....
Thenk yew - thenk yew - thenk yew .... I'll see myself out now.
There is a very good documentary on Netflix I think called “diagnosis” a doctor who does a column for the NYT crowdsources
For patients with unexplained undiagnosed, wrongly diagnosed illnesses . Which brings medical professionals around the globe to weigh in. Each episode follows someone different. There was maybe 2 people where is was really psychological. The others actually found real diagnosis and treatments . It’s pretty amazing. I agree, just because I doctor can’t diagnose it does not mean it doesn’t exist or isn’t real.
As far as COVID ...... our Chief medical officer who just retired came to do a Q&A on the covid vaccine on our unit. His specialty is infectious disease. He said there is a lot we can’t answer and there is a lot we don’t know because this has been around for only a year. I believe in the symptoms of long haulers. COVID wreaks havoc on the body, differently than any other virus we have known. And there is so much more to study and know that we won’t have answers to for years
As far as COVID ...... our Chief medical officer who just retired came to do a Q&A on the covid vaccine on our unit. His specialty is infectious disease. He said there is a lot we can’t answer and there is a lot we don’t know because this has been around for only a year.
Thank you Ginger for this quote. It sums up exactly my point and what I’m trying to say. We just don’t know yet. The one thing I do know from being in medicine since 1986 is what we think we know at one point in time we later discover we were way way way wrong about. Understanding constantly changes. Treatment is constantly changing. I’m seeing that up close and personal with this new client of mine. Just did a seminar with a surgeon from Mayo who does awake brain surgery. It was surreal to watch live in 4K HD and talk with him. Everyday he sees patients who were told they can’t be helped and surgery was impossible.
I’m speaking in generals. You are often speaking in one single patient KML. In general we don’t even know yet the effects of the vaccine. Will it protect against the new strains? We don’t know. Something like 23 people died in Norway after getting the vaccine. Does that mean we should stop it? Some people want to be well even though they are sick. Sadly sone want to be sick even though they are well. It’s their payoff or how they get attention. It all happens.
Again my point is, we just don’t know. It’s too soon to know or be certain. Like ginger’s chief medical officer says, a lot we can’t answer and don’t know. To perpetuate fear based on a guess is just wrong. Covid has taken on a life if it’s own to the detriment of everything else n life. Suicides are skyrocketing, overdose is up, we are starting to see school failure rates in the 400% over previous years. People have lost their businesses and their jobs. We need our balance back. Life is more than covid. What’s happened has happened. Let’s not make it even worse by guessing. You may be right. You may not. We just don’t know yet and we certainly don’t have conclusive proof - just guesses and assumptions.
For me - the vaccine is an unknown (first of its kind) but so are the side effects and long term effects of COVID. I went with the vaccine because at least there’s some control to it. I feel bad for all these old people that keeping getting kicked off their computers trying to sign up for it. But I also don’t think it should be mandatory for anyone.
Don makes good points about what quarantining has been doing to children. They are out of shape, not being supervised, getting way to much screen time via remote learning and video games (which is their new babysitter for parents that have to work from home) Getting depressed. And yeah no one has been reporting the increased ODs amongst kids not going to school. I hear from hospital staff this has been a problem. think that the policies are just not following common sense. Like during summer and fall our rates were super low - they could have opened up schools then and then shut them down during winter when we all new cases would increase. Then they could open windows or hold class outside. Just no common sense - why open up college campuses but keep elementary schools closed ? College kids can learn remotely and there was lots of spread - elementary kids cannot - and they’re has been very little spread amongst the classrooms of younger ones. .
The arbitrary selection of what businesses were allowed to be open and which ones had to close outraged a lot of people too and made them not take the guidelines as seriously. Why is it ok to eat in a restaurant but not go to school with masks? Why are public school administrators sending their own kids to expensive private schools?
And I’m saying all this as someone that identifies as a progressive liberal. (Not a libertarian)
To perpetuate fear based on a guess is just wrong.
Don - I believe you were one of the ones accusing me of fear mongering when I made predictions about the death toll from Covid back in February - I said 200,000 to 600,000 deaths, maybe as many as 1 million in the US before it was all over, and we are at 400,000 right now. Using math and statistics that were available is NOT guessing and I was pretty much right on the nose. And it's not a "guess" that people genuinely suffer from Long Covid and that the incidence is not that rare - I have numbers from my own practice that are shocking to me, it's not a guess. My point is that your ASSumption that Long Covid patients are just anxious or making it up IS WRONG and very detrimental to the poor people suffering from this. Please rethink your position on this as I can assure you these people are genuinely, severely ill with a post viral syndrome caused by Covid.
As for the addiction drug you say is being wrongly blamed for symptoms, I don't know which one you are referencing. But I can tell you that genetic differences exist in how some people respond to certain drugs. Floxin antibiotics like Cipro are used commonly without problems for most people - but in some people they can cause tendon ruptures, and in even rarer cases they can cause a neuropathy that can't be treated (I have one of these patients in my practice- none of the usual treatments for neuropathy have helped at all). It took quite some time for the research literature to catch up with these facts. Most likely these people have genetic quirks that predispose them to these side effects. Propecia can cause permanent sexual dysfunction in some young men who take it for baldness. It's rare but it can happen. Took about 15 years for it to be acknowledged. It's now on the package insert. Prior to that, the guys online talking about it were written off as "anxious".
So please don't blame Covid victims for not recovering the way you think they should. Please don't call facts about the reality of Covid "fear mongering". New variants are appearing that are more contagious and one of them is showing signs in the laboratory of possibly being able to evade the antibodies of people who previously had Covid. We are nowhere near done with this virus. Widespread vaccination however is our best hope of getting back to normal life and slowing the rate of mutations (the more people infected with Covid, the more opportunities for it to mutate).
I miss the controversial medical topic being hiccough cures
How "is" CMM doing these days? Still has the hiccough issues? The science behind that research was peer reviewed ...
His hiccups are under pretty good control - he takes a muscle relaxant and when he breaks through, oddly enough, powdered lime packets help (swallowed straight, not in water). He has never allowed me to try the cure I found in the medical literature though hahahaha.
CMM is getting his new CT/PET scans right now - we will see what kind of progress (or not) he has made since last fall. He has had a more productive cough lately - not much, but he had been pretty much free of the morning cough for some time - and I suspect the news may not be great, but we will see. If he's not responding to his current treatment, I don't know what they will advise. There's not much left to try, I imagine they would recommend some slight change that's not really of any significance. There still aren't any experimental trials available for his particular type of KRAS mutation. Unless it's really surprisingly bad, in which case they might not recommend anything at all (but I don't think he's to that point yet). I do need to have him bring up the notion of assisted suicide with his doctor next visit - not that he's anywhere near that yet, but if he doesn't make his wishes known now while he's mentally competent (it is now legal in our state) I'm not sure he would have any options available if, for instance, he developed a brain metastasis or a stroke. Plus I understand it's quite a process just to get the prescriptions. (Actually I'm not even sure if he makes his wishes known but then has a stroke or other mentally incapacitating event that he can go through with it - I'll have to read the new law more carefully. I know that he has said he doesn't want to suffer at the end and would prefer to have control over that.)
P.S. RIP Hank Aaron. I heard a snippet of an old interview with him on the news this morning that broke my heart. He was asked, if he had it to do again, would he have broken Babe Ruth's record, and he said basically no. The racist abuse he suffered for that was so extreme, that he would have rather not achieved what was the crowning achievement in his career? I almost cried.
Well we have the PET scan results. The bone tumor remains quiet and no new metastases were found. A couple of the lung tumors have increased in size and there’s an area consistent with spread along the lymph system. Overall not bad - I’m relieved there aren’t new bony metastases or spread to the abdomen. We will see next week if his oncologist thinks we should continue with the current chemo or try tweaking it.
I'm glad that there aren't any new bony metastases or spreading to the abdomen. Hopefully, CMM will find out whether the current treatment continues or it needs to be tweaked.
His radiation oncologist is going to suggest to his regular oncologist that they irradiate the two active tumors in his lungs - we will see what his regular oncologist thinks of this approach. His bony metastases have been sensitive to the radiation and it's been quite effective there. In the lungs there's a risk of losing some lung capacity but he is doing remarkably well in that regard, not requiring oxygen at present, so if it just meant he had to go back to using oxygen sometimes that would be ok.
overall good news for CMM ... I'm glad.
Text message from a good friend this morning. She’s been happily (apparently) married to the same guy for at least 35 years and I’ve known them almost as long. She’s maybe 60 and he’s maybe 68-69. Apparently something sudden has happened and she’s scheduled appointments with a divorce lawyer and a therapist. I’ll get more details when she’s off work. She mentioned wanting to talk to me because I’ve been “through it”.
We all know what this likely means - infidelity or some similar issue like addiction or gambling. I’m so bummed. Her husband really was one of my ex’s nicest friends, the only one who really was kind to me when ex left. And at this age you kinda hope people are past MLC nonsense.
Maybe I’m wrong. Could be drug related as he’s had terrible back problems requiring multiple surgeries but last I’d heard he’d had a good result and had a good new job (he’s retired from a good city job with a pension). They just finished putting a beautiful pool in their backyard. They should be getting ready to enjoy their golden years. Their son is grown and married and lives nearby, their home should be close to being paid off, she has a good job that she loves. She’s still beautiful (used to be a surfer swimsuit model back in the day), keeps a beautifully decorated home and seriously cooks healthy gourmet food every night (like, her friends all urge her to write a cookbook or start a restaurant). Her husband has always been the laid back guy who would bend over backwards to help you. I don’t know what’s gone wrong but it sure makes me sad.
You’d think after 35 years and crossing the senior citizen 65 line, divorce would be beyond rare - if only for the fear of going through that, being alone, etc. I see more couples who perhaps just become friends even separate bedrooms but at least years ago D seemed so rare with first marriage long marriage seniors. But I guess not anymore. No one is immune. 35 years and D - if that’s indeed where this is headed. It will be interesting to hear the rest of the story. The world really continues to change.
Ugh. Porn addiction. Plus other stuff. She’s so done. Guess even apparently happy marriages aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be.
Trying to figure out how best to advise my friend. I think she is truly done at this point so most likely all I can do is make financial/practical divorce recommendations, but she is a hot-tempered person so it's also possible that this may pass (not terribly likely, but still).
Apparently he's been an alcoholic for a long time ( I did know that he had struggled with opioids during his back problems but not about the alcohol). He's in AA now but through the steps has admitted to her his porn addiction which has existed before and throughout their marriage. He's not really succeeding in giving it up and hasn't truly followed through with counseling. He flirts with the women in his AA group and isn't in a SAA group. Meanwhile he hasn't had sex with her for several years and she feels pretty betrayed. Apparently there was more stuff in the past that wasn't really good. I get the feeling she's been holding the relationship together for years and is just tired. Classic story in some ways - she was the young thing in her 20's who "won" the hot guy in his thirties (who had already cheated on a previous wife) and then spent her time looking over her shoulder and working extra hard to be perfect so he wouldn't stray.
I don't think she has a realistic picture yet of what divorce will do financially. She wants to keep their house but at current valuations she could not probably afford to buy him out of it, unless she gave up her share of his pension, which would not be wise. (She was a stay at home wife for many years and although she has a job now, I doubt her social security benefit would be enough in retirement and she's almost 60 already so not too much time to make up. I don't know what they might have in other savings though - maybe it's enough. Or maybe he'll feel bad enough to give her the house, she says he does stand to inherit a bunch of money eventually and maybe that will make him feel more generous. )
I suspect he'll be devastated once he realizes what he has lost. She'd be a hard act for any woman to follow.
Apparently there was more stuff in the past that wasn't really good. I get the feeling she's been holding the relationship together for years and is just tired.
I think that grey divorce is an increasing trend and for the reasons you mention. One spouse who has been doing all the heavy lifting who has just had enough. And from what I've seen those with personality disorders like it sounds that your friend's husband has, that they get worse instead of better as they age. My ex-father-in-law - who had multiple infidelities - went from a charming charismatic man to a rather slimy sort of creep as he aged. It's one thing for a 50 year old to flirt and flatter a 20 year old and stay within the bounds of decency but when he got into his late 70s he would forget about those bounds and still try to charm the 20 year olds. Fortunately my ex-mother-in-law found some of her backbone in her late 60s and kept him somewhat in line.
As those of us who are children of the 50s and 60s age those couples who in our parent's time would have stuck it out "for better or for worse" I'm sure there is a growing number who are going to throw in the towel. I read regularly about infidelity in couples in their 60s and 70s as hard as that would have been for me to understand 6 years ago. And spouses don't accept that and sweep it under the rug like they used to.
Sad as it is to relay I know that my grandmother probably got 5 years younger and certainly was a lot brighter and happier person when my grandfather died. I loved them both dearly but my grandfather was certainly a curmudgeonly sort who insisted on things being "just so". We all found it humourous that the first thing my grandmother did after my grandfather got put into a nursing home was to go around the house and wind up all the cuckoo clocks that he had insisted be stopped because the noise bothered him.
has she tried Alanon? just because he's on his way out the door doesn't mean she doesn't have more healing to do.
Yeah I was going to suggest that to her. Although she's really down on AA right now because she sees his involvement with women in his AA groups as a factor and has been reading a lot of "anti-AA" stuff. Even though there were no addiction issues in my divorce, my friend gave me an Alanon book Courage to Change that was actually helpful as I went through the divorce. Wonder if I still have it anywhere?
I think that grey divorce is an increasing trend
Yeah, Andrew - I think you're right. Probably for a lot of reasons. Women have more financial rights than they had in the 60's. People expect to live longer and be younger longer so the idea of a 60 year old woman wanting to get out and have a sex life is not as foreign as it might have been back then. Men have Viagra. And we simply didn't grow up with the same mentality that you stick it out no matter what.
And yeah, people just become more of what they are as they age, unless they are open to change and growth. Most of us here had to be forced into growth and change but it's been the silver lining of this whole experience!
My sister's opinion was that she ought to consider waiting him out, since he's ten years older and has a cardiac history, and then she could have everything! However I don't see that as an attractive option for her at all.
My sister's opinion was that she ought to consider waiting him out, since he's ten years older and has a cardiac history, and then she could have everything! However I don't see that as an attractive option for her at all.
My ex-wife had a lot of decorative pillows around ..... She also had a fat husband with known cardiac issues who was known to like his beer and whiskey .... I wonder sometimes if it ever crossed her mind. She would have gotten well over 1/2 million in cash plus an intact reputation and nobody would have asked question 1.
I still have one of those decorative pillows around somewhere.
On the other hand there are a lot of people who just separate and never bother with a divorce or financial settlement. I'm just in the process of disentangling myself from one. I have a cousin who never divorced, never got a settlement, just walked away from an abusive relationship. I'm sure that there are numerous "couples" who are "taking a break" with no intention of ever getting back together. To quote the ancient philosopher Paul Simon - there are 50 ways to leave your lover ..
yes it did occur to me that just separating might benefit her financially, but I think she's interested in dating and wouldn't want to do that just being separated. And here in California, my ex was advised that a legal separation was just as much work and expense as a divorce and that one should just do the divorce - that was also the lawyer who told my ex that if there was any way to save his marriage he should, and we did reconcile for several years. I don't know the lawyer's name but I've always blessed him for that.
Yay! CMM got his vaccine today, as did my good friend who had a heart transplant a couple years ago and his wife.