Old Thread - Courage-2
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2909490&page=1Not a lot going on but it's new thread time.
I applaud your desire to help her S18 learn a few life skills. I’d say a good short list would be:
How to do his laundry (and perhaps how to fold them and organize a dresser drawer. )
How to cook a week’s worth of cheap healthy meals. (Recipes included)
How to keep a budget (I was gonna say “and balance a checkbook” lol - shows how old I am!!!!)
How to do basic cleaning like scrub a toilet, clean a stove, mop a floor - and a recommended cleaning schedule
Given his ADHD I'm not sure on the right approaches on this and TBH can't make much investment in helping this boy. We did actually talk about laundry yesterday and I gave him the very very basics. Wash in cold - everything together is fine for a bachelor who only has clothes of more or less the same colour and fabric. Dry sweaters on the drying rack, everything else in the dryer. Like with most things that I've worked with him on, I presented it as "no big" which he tends to go along with. He said that he may give it a try today but that he has so many clothes now (he got a lot of his grandfather's clothes) that he's not short. I emphasized to him that "my" practice is to have a structured schedule where I do laundry every week but suspect that that's a direction that he may never take.
As far as the other things go, he has sisters and a mother to help him. Theoretically a father as well but his Dad's life skills as far as I can tell leave a lot to be desired as well not to mention the fact that he and his Dad spend zero time together and do not have a healthy relationship.
I had a talk to him when I drove him in to work a short while ago and while he has no specific plans on where he'll be living, he did agree that the two options I presented of living with his oldest sister or at his grandpa's house for at least a short time after New Year's were fairly reasonable. One of the roadblocks for him getting on this assistance program is that of course his birth certificate and health card are in places unknown. I'm not at all surprised. He and his mother will figure that out. She is capable of being quite competent. His main concern is about his job at the grocery store. I asked if he's told his boss about his current uncertainty and got a vague answer - so probably no. I did suggest that he could ask for a leave of absence if he ended up moving out of the area at least temporarily. That's about all I can do. I can be slightly accommodating, but not for any amount of time.
But I don’t care about her. Stop. Rescuing. Stop rationalizing ways you try to take responsibility for her. Or try to nice her. You aren’t her dad. Your “nice guy” is really out of control. It’s going to leave you totally broke. Please work on this stuff in IC.
I think you're over-reacting here and reading in far far more than the reality. Paying for a couple of sessions of counseling is no big and I take no responsibility for her at all. And that's all I'm doing. I'm not going to counseling with her, nor trying to fix her.
We weren’t afraid you were going to stretch the actual relationship. Just the part of her using you. Using your home as a storage facility. And what is her plan for her S18? Is she going to take him until he gets this assistance and finds housing? Or is it now your job to ensure he gets proper housing beyond this breakup. I can’t even believe he wears dirty clothes because no one ( and yes, he should be washing his laundry) is cleaning them or taught him. When he was 16 and on his own , who the heck washed his clothes? Was the poor kid going to school with dirty clothes. This is child neglect.
I think that generally speaking all of the kids were neglected. What I had put down to exhaustion is perhaps apathy. I can't really do anything about that. They're not my kids.
Storage will be the biggest issue. Because of the very clear threat that I'll throw everything out that is still here at the start of May S should be very motivated to get it moved. And she should have enough of her legacy to be able to pay for a big storage unit to put it into. I'm not going to be in a situation like with the younger kid's Dad or her former partner where things are left for years and she is in and out stashing stuff.
My plan is to work with S in concert with her oldest daughter - who while a bubble-head is the one who has always looked after her mother and gotten stuff done - to get the stuff out of the house. I have no problem doing the packing if necessary and my fingers are itching to get to it but if they take ownership of that and have a plan where they come in to the house and empty a room at a time for example that is fine by me. Shortly after the New Year rings in I'm going to start that dialogue. They may push back suggesting that it's none of my business on how or when they get the stuff out, but yes - yes it is.
I also don’t want to invalidate you finally seeing her true colors. That’s great. But the work on your end now is now to not rush into things, get to know a persons actions, not words, and not to rescue or even “raise” women like they are your teenage daughters. And recognize why you are driven to do this. It’ll be hard work, but worth it
What I think I need to work on in IC isn't so much my need to rescue but rather my poor boundaries that allow people to take advantage of me. A big part of what ended this for me was the fact that she just expected me to take care of everything and everyone and not have to lift a hand. From one point of view, the reason I needed to end this relationship was because of the fact that there was so much expectation of me taking care of things from a practical and financial point of view and that wasn't a role that I want. When it became blindingly obvious even to me that they would never "up their game" I had to make the choice to end it. And then find the testicular fortitude to "be the bad guy" and do it. On their own, they would have just continued along and I'm sure that if I hadn't been firm about it that her D19 and BF would be here as well and I'd be cleaning up after them as well.
I'm looking forward to my first IC session. I'm figuring that I'll tell her stories about my past and how the way that I've dealt or not dealt with things have caused me problems and hopefully she will provide me with insights and tools to work on those behaviours. She is the pro after-all and very likely will see facets of me that I can't see and that may not be visible here either.
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Not a lot else going on. It seems that the flower shop is a-buzz about my new "single" status and the clerk who served me made a point of mentioning that FSL was in earlier and that I'd missed her. I need to make sure that that stays on a just friendly basis. She's a nice person and I like her but romance is definitely out not to mention that she may still be in a relationship.
When I was in the bank on Saturday I made an appointment for December 12th to close down my existing accounts and switch everything over to the new ones. I've set up my book-keeping software as well to start fresh in the new year. I've not seen any indication that S has looked even though I told her that the books would be visible to her until the middle of the month. It's cloud based and there's a footprint kept of each device logging in. She's also not spent any money out of those accounts in the past week. I've set myself a reminder to remind her about her loan payment the week before it comes out. Hopefully that will be a short term thing.
I've decided to do some re-wiring in the kitchen. If I end up using a hot-plate the single 15 amp circuit that is in there isn't up to the task. I have 2 open circuits on the old fuse panel I can use. I'll use the screw in fuses and take one of the two outlets in the kitchen and put the two new circuits on it. I have easy access to the box and where the wire would run. That is more or less what it's supposed to be anyway to have it to be to code but I never bothered because it was fairly rare that we'd pop the breaker which was more due to managing when power got used vs consumption. Wire is pretty pricy. I was surprised. Sometime in the next week or so I'll pick up about 100' which should be lots for this as well as the other project I want to do this winter of adding a wall sconce to the upstairs stair-well. Being as it will be in the middle of the wall I'll need to add some additional bracing to take the weight - the best plan so far is to glue backing pieces to the inside of the wall. I can run the wire from the ceiling light at the top of the stairs to the sconce as they will be on the same switch too. It should be good other than the terror I will have of working at a height above the stairs.
I had been thinking of doing the kitchen this weekend but the price of the wire put me off. Being as I'll be working in the panel I also need to power down the whole house. I'll need about 100' of wire all told allowing for wastage. Since I was the one who re-wired this house on my own years ago I have few worries about my abilities on this. Take my time, plan, pre-prepare, test and all will be good.
The indication from S is that she probably won't be taking her stove in the short term but I need to plan as if it will be leaving at any point and the rewiring is a good idea regardless. Her Dad's house has a decent stove I am sure and she said that any apartment she would move in to would probably come with a stove. Not my problem other than starting the shopping for a new stove that I will need at some point anyway. I've been watching as well for new tables which I will eventually need too. I can get a pretty good deal on a decent wood table in the second-hand market for not much money. My big office desk would do as a table if it needs too.
I'm really looking forward to re-imagining these parts of the house.
I've started work on my Christmas shopping. For my daughter and her husband I've pretty much settled on getting them a gift / welcome basket from local Seattle vendors and have a few museums and parks to check out to get them a membership. They would probably prefer the zoo but given current restrictions I'm not sure how much use they'd get out of that.
For my son I'm figuring on "comfort" things for his apartment. A nice crocheted throw blanket for his couch, some frame pictures of some of his ancestors. I may get some sort of cat tree for "the girls". I picked up a duck for our Christmas dinner when I was shopping.
I'm going to pull out my Christmas decorations today and start putting some up. S has probably 8 or 9 boxes of decorations plus a lot of outdoor stuff - mostly broken second / third hand stuff. I recall last Christmas how it was a couple of days before and I had to help get their tree up - the boxes were pulled out, rummaged through, a couple of things put out and that was it. The reason given was that their "real" Christmas was at her Dad's place. Again - where the press releases don't measure up to the reality.
I'm slowly reclaiming the house. A bit difficult for the next month as I told S that she has until the end of December to get her stuff packed and I don't want to cause too much of a kerfuffle by shifting things around. I've done some "tidying" though and have most of the MBR, office, laundry room, kitchen and living room back. There are still heaps (literally) of her stuff around even in those rooms. But they are more functional and usable. I have no reasonable expectation that she'll take the bulk of the stuff with her before the move-out deadline but then again, I could be wrong. I do have a history of that.
I have the very few of S's pictures etc that were hung down and packed away. Funny that that was one of the sources of conflict between us that when were were unpacking and I saw a nice picture that had been buried in her apartment for years and hung it up that she was highly upset and offended that I didn't consult with her first. She only hung up I think one picture and that was to replace a clock where the tick was bothering her. She has literally dozens of pictures etc, many of which still have the original price tags on them stacked up under the back stairs. They were never hung up in her apartment either.
I've noticed that my health is progressively getting better. I think that I even look better. The haunted tired look that I saw in the mirror is pretty much gone and I rarely get any sort of chest pain. Other aches and pains are also less. Early next week I'll get my first shingles shot with the followup shot in a couple of weeks after that I belive.
I have some meat in the slow cooker to make chili for dinner tonight and will make some garlic toast to go with it. I even have a bottle of wine for me.
I don’t really see the need for you to wait for her to pack her things. Given past experience, when she moved in with things hastily thrown into bags, I can’t imagine you packing some boxes is going to interfere with her “method”. Just label them as best as you can and I’m sure it’ll be better organized than she would have done.
Happy December 1st! I have some of my Christmas decorations up including the few lights I use in the front porch. Santa can't find my house if it's not decorated
First decent snow of the year started yesterday and is supposed to go through today. My motivation to be able to use the garage is increased. I did at least remember to flip up my windshield wipers so they don't get frozen down. Busses are all canceled - presumably out of an abundance of caution since the weather isn't currently all that bad.
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Even though I've said that I'm going to do any of S's packing for her, I can't help but "tidy". I reclaimed a bit more of the house yesterday. I took the TV out of the office and packed up the random electronics and video games that were literally piled all over the entertainment unit in the living room. I haven't seen the top of it for a while and now see the dust
I also went in to S13's room and swept up the hamster litter, food and poop that was all over everywhere. S had slept in there the last time she was here so I moved her laundry hamper etc into there. Her - ahem - battery operated boyfriend will probably get put away somewhere more discrete.
Still no word from or about S. I actually had to read back to see when the last time she was here was. Surprisingly to me it was only mid last week - it feels like multiple weeks. Mind you she was in and out and we barely interacted. Given the weather I don't expect to see her today or tomorrow but then you never know.
I'm taking Friday off to consume a vacation day that I can't carry over and working from home Thursday due to the fact that there will be other people at the plant who aren't normally there doing jobs that are actually important so our paths may cross again. I would imagine that she will give me a heads-up before coming to the house. She did last time. I'm honestly not expecting her to do much actually useful packing. Her priorities are in my mind skewed but at this point aren't surprising.
Today's plan is to finish moving all of S's stuff out of the main MBR and start working on "tidying" the kitchen packing up those things that I know that I won't use or that are either in the way. I can't imagine that she would be doing any of her Christmas baking here. She thinks of herself as a very dedicated baker but the 4 different types of flour on the counter have been barely touched. One I know has suspicious black dots in it but perhaps it's supposed to? If I separate "her" stuff from "my" stuff then if she questions whose is whose then the questions are easier.
I am worried that S18 won't get his support program figured out before the end of the month but like many things that's not my issue. A few core documents such as his health card are just plain missing so he needs to get a new one. I had a browse through S's various papers and couldn't see it. I told him that if he needed a ride in to the government offices that I could oblige. I think it's still not hit him much that he'll be embarking on his new life - probably rather unreal. He certainly doesn't seem to miss his mother. I can usually tell his stress levels because of his hyperactivity which plays out on a chin-up bar I installed in the kitchen doorway and he's been fairly calm as such things go.
Well - back to my math. I need to figure out how to get 33 tonnes of product out of a tank that has 22 in it, leaving enough in so that the pumps will work properly.
Feeling proud of myself. Over lunchtime I cleared off the counter and most of the drawers in the kitchen of stuff that doesn't belong to me.
Turns out that my counter is HUGE - room now for my griddle, kettle and other things that undoubtedly end with the letters "le". Tea-potle?
It was so hard working around those things but they were "needed" and when I complained I was reminded on how much bigger the counter was in her apartment (it wasn't).
I can feel echoes of the same nervousness that I felt when I was cleaning up the house after my ex left - "touching her stuff". Perhaps something to address with my therapist. S had a tendency to do what my ex did and be stern and do the "shouldn't you have talked to me first" speech. On some things that makes sense but she would do that when I would find a pile of boots and put them out in the mud-room.
If any of that stuff is needed (unlikely) the boxes are clearly labeled and easy to get to. But more importantly to me, the kitchen is now much more functional again. And I need to go shopping still for a paper-towel holder.
I want you to notice how relatively little time and effort it has taken to get your house starting to be liveable again. Just in case you're ever tempted to think "maybe I didn't give her enough time to step up to the plate" - no, you DID. She isn't capable because she is a hoarder (and may have other issues too).
Happy Wednesday!
I finally heard from S this morning. Her D26 is having some complications from her mis-carriage and they had to take her in to emergency last night so she said she won't be here until Saturday. I'm translating that to be "at the earliest - maybe".
I let her know that her S18 did his own laundry last night - he asked if I could walk him through it - it was no big deal and I think bumped up his confidence. As suspected it was all the same colour (black) and more or less the same fabric. The lint trap on the dryer was nice and clean when I checked it after.
I also let her know that S18 is still needing his health card to apply for his program.
And I told her that I've been "tidying" but that all the boxes are clearly labeled and easy to get to. I didn't bother telling her what but she won't be surprised that it's the kitchen.
Got an "ok-thanks" back.
So - part of me is relieved that she is now aware that I'm packing up her stuff. She should know that when I say "tidy" that it means a lot more than just dusting.
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I've gotten the kitchen about 85% dealt with. Most of what is left isn't in my way. There are some bigger issues like the fact that the table and stove are S's but those are longer term issues. I've been doing some reading and I may well have a number of good options for a new stove. Certainly for a table. No sense getting anything though before I need to. Stove maybe if I stumble across an amazing deal.
I do need a bunch of "every-day" stuff which I'll get from the local dollar store. Trivets, a new rolling pin, measuring cups etc. A number of the spices probably went with S when she did her first purge of the kitchen so those need to be replaced. I'm going to keep my eye out for a good deal on metal mixing bowls. B introduced me to those and they are the best of things.
I'm glad in many ways that I got a chance to go through through the kitchen on my own for this first pass. I remember fairly clearly what I had and this means that the number of items up for dispute are much smaller. If I had doubt about "whose it was", I packed it. I'm not going to cause drama over a spatula - except perhaps my favourite one.
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I received an email from the organizing committee for our regional science fairs where I'm one of the judges. We're doing an on-line virtual fair this year. It's going to take more effort for these kids to get their projects together as it will be more than a soda bottle with Mentos (almost had one of those explode on me when the kid was demonstrating it). It will be fun. I'll set aside those days as vacation as before. I have 5 days that I need to consume before the end of March and think I'll take a week off in February. Always lots to do even if I can't travel.
I put together my draft 2021 budget and it looks pretty good. Taking off all dependents and hangers-on makes quite a difference. Being a numbers nerd I have my finances showing in the budget going back to the 1990s. Interesting to see how things changed over the years.
I may tackle my re-wiring project on Friday while I'm off.
I want you to notice how relatively little time and effort it has taken to get your house starting to be liveable again. Just in case you're ever tempted to think "maybe I didn't give her enough time to step up to the plate" - no, you DID. She isn't capable because she is a hoarder (and may have other issues too).
Oh - I'm sure she's got a boat-load of issues well beyond what I can imagine. Then again - so do I.
I think that I'm over the idea of "I didn't give her enough time" quite a while ago. She was capable of making incremental improvements. Sometimes by leaps and bounds. But her daily habits made those improvements unsustainable. I do hope that she's on good behaviour while visiting her daughter. I did some reading and see that significant bleeding this far after a mis-carriage is unusual.
I do worry a bit that this may impact S getting a new place but TBH I full expect her to live rent-free with her daughter or at her Dad's house for the next while. Financially and for other reasons it makes a large amount of sense and S - while others may dispute it - is a pretty sensible person. But those are her choices to make and not mine. I'm just reassured that there are few reasons why she can't be living elsewhere.
Nice sunny day here. When I take S18 in to work I'll get my first shot of Shingles vaccine. That should allow me to be all up to date on that before the end of the month. Not sure what the impact would be on getting a COVID vaccine as well but I honestly don't expect to be able to get one of those before March.
I have a steak out thawing for my dinner tonight. One thing about having S18 here is that it motivates me to eat better to provide him with a good example. He regularly sees me making various dishes for myself out of fresh and simple ingredients and I think is beginning to look at that as "normal". It's very rare that he asks me to drive him through a take-out window.
Back to doing math! The tank has gone from 16 inches to 8 - how many more drums can I fill and what is my order pattern looking like before I have to get a new load with a 4 day lead time .... Wheeee!
Andrew,
Sounds like you are coming right along on the "clearing of spaces" and starting to feel a bit better as you accomplish more and more. If you have a Goodwill near you, you may want to see if they have a store set up. I use to find some great things there, i.e., metal mixing bowls, etc. In some of the stores, they carry furniture as well and you may stumble across a nice table. Also, the month of January should be a good time to see about a stove, if you happen to need one
I'm sorry to read about S's daughter and hope that she's okay. As for S18, kudos to him for doing his own laundry. That's a start and he probably just needs someone to work with him and show him a couple of times what he needs to do.
BTW, how is kitty doing?.
Metal mixing bowls are great. But one other option - CMM has a set of nesting mixing bowls that are plastic - but have lids, like Tupperware. They're a great option as you can also use them for food storage too if need be. Or maybe you can find metal ones that come with lids?
As for the miscarriage - sometimes with a spontaneous miscarriage you might not shed all the tissue - in that case they need to do a D & C, basically a scraping out of the uterus. That should fix the problem, it's not a huge procedure. It's unfortunate because it's stressful when she's already grieving the loss of a desired pregnancy, but she should be ok. This is not uncommon.
BTW, how is kitty doing?.
He's snoozing in the sunshine wondering when next he's going to get fed. The living room is south-facing and we have the bright sunshine we'll often get after a heavy snow. I annoyed him just now by going down and checking his paws and they are a lot better. Still a small amount of litter stuck to the fur but the destructive behaviours he was showing have stopped and the litter box appears normal.
As for the miscarriage - sometimes with a spontaneous miscarriage you might not shed all the tissue - in that case they need to do a D & C, basically a scraping out of the uterus. That should fix the problem, it's not a huge procedure. It's unfortunate because it's stressful when she's already grieving the loss of a desired pregnancy, but she should be ok. This is not uncommon.
Yeah. She's a nice kid. She has a warm place in my heart because she and a friend once baked me a birthday cake. My ex paid them to do it - the last cake I got in fact (long story).
She's an amazingly hard worker and extremely capable but a bit of a bubble-head. She used to work at a place for a while, do a great job, get burnt out then just "vanish" and reappear in a different town with a different job and do it over again. As you may recall in many ways it was her that raised her siblings and her mother.
She used to be a semi-professional dancer and works as a server so is very physically fit and should get through this I would think with few problems. It will give S something else to think about and feel useful about.
Metal mixing bowls are great. But one other option - CMM has a set of nesting mixing bowls that are plastic - but have lids, like Tupperware. They're a great option as you can also use them for food storage too if need be. Or maybe you can find metal ones that come with lids?
Given that I rarely store anything for more than a couple of days before either using it up or freezing it lidded bowls probably aren't too useful to me. We used to have a set of these sort of bowl but the lids pretty much never got used even "back in the day". As an unsurprising aside, my stock of food storage containers has dwindled to next to nothing. I have no idea where they went but have learned that if I loan anything to S or her crew that I never see it again. I just re-ordered a particular rather rare book that I had loaned her - it was part of an writing contest and a couple of baking dishes that I had sent home with S with left-overs have completely vanished as well. Sigh.
I'm figuring that for the next 6-8 months that there will be a fair bit of restocking of this or that. What I learned when my ex left though was to wait and see if I actually "need" something before I get it. It's amazing how little I actually need.
If you have a Goodwill near you, you may want to see if they have a store set up. I use to find some great things there, i.e., metal mixing bowls, etc. In some of the stores, they carry furniture as well and you may stumble across a nice table. Also, the month of January should be a good time to see about a stove, if you happen to need one
Even if for whatever reason S doesn't want her stove - highly unlikely - I'll still replace it. We have a good number of thrift and second hand shops around. One of S's "hobbies" was shopping in there and her closet plus her stuff she put in boys' plus piles on the floor are a testament to what sort of deals are out there. The big one around here is called Value Village and they are associated with a charity that goes around and picks up donations. I disposed of a "lot" of things that way back in the day including kitchen-ware.
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I really want this to all just be over but know that there are no short-cuts. Hopefully S will spend minimal time here and come New Years Eve I will be able to take back the house in earnest. I have some plans on how I can store things that will probably just take up 3 or even maybe 2 rooms even if she doesn't take very much.
Regardless for now, I'll continue with my "tidy".
My son was taught how to do his own laundry at the age of 11, when we got a new washer and dryer and moved the laundry from the basement to the bedroom level of our family home. He was eager to learn and be self-sufficient in some way. I have rarely had to do his laundry since, and I'm really glad I was patient and made the effort to teach him, so he could gain some confidence in his growing independence. I commend both you and 18 for this, as nothing, in my experience, helps one's self-esteem so much as a task well done, independently.
There is nothing wrong with 18 that being away from S won't cure. I am usually far more reticent when it comes to anything resembling judging a fellow parent, but I make an exception in her case. No kid moves across the planet to get away from home unless there's a darn good reason.
Perhaps 26 isn't a bubblehead so much as she's been distracted by being parentified at such a young age, and has never had the opportunity to focus on herself, her education, her own needs, etc. And so it will continue, sadly and shame on S for allowing this.
When is your IC appointment? Coming up soon?
My son was taught how to do his own laundry at the age of 11, when we got a new washer and dryer and moved the laundry from the basement to the bedroom level of our family home. He was eager to learn and be self-sufficient in some way. I have rarely had to do his laundry since, and I'm really glad I was patient and made the effort to teach him, so he could gain some confidence in his growing independence.
My kids were doing their own laundry from pretty much as soon as they were tall enough to reach the top of the machine. We each did our own and I did the "family" laundry - towels and what-not as well. I did my laundry reliably every week and to be honest I have no idea what cadence the rest did their's on. They always had clean clothes although my son should probably have changed his sheets more often than he did.
I never did understand S's reluctance to have the boys do their own but being as it was pay-machines that may well have had something to do with it. S's own approach baffles me though too. She doesn't do it until she "needs to" - never really kept tabs on the boys' clothes or linens. She used to bring her laundry here when we were dating - which - ok - saves some money. But then she's taken laundry from here to her Dad's place - wtf?? She's offered to do mine but after one episode where she took it to her Dad's house and then it took me 2 weeks to find the random basket of clean clothes (they were dumped out in S13's room) then - no.
Domestic diva - no.
As a laugh I remember shaking my head when sorting out S13's clothes when they first moved in and mixed in with the t-shirts etc were several sets of lingerie.
The more time I spend away from her, the more I realize how difficult it was having her under this roof. I wasn't looking for someone to take care of me but neither was I looking for someone I had to take care of or rescue. Some rescuing was done yes - but I was never very happy about being dragged in to deal with stuff that wasn't mine to own.
When is your IC appointment? Coming up soon?
Next Tuesday evening. I have a phone consult with my GP earlier in the day. He may suggest something chemical for my "panic attacks" but if they aren't damaging me I'd rather not have that sort of crutch. The fact that they can take some days to recover from though is still a concern.
20S was by yesterday afternoon to borrow my printer / scanner and was horrified at the conditions here although she thought that much of the house - the bits I've worked on weren't "that bad". I need to work on her as well to get her stuff which she now refers to as her "when I'm on my own" stuff. Perhaps it can go up to her parent's driving shed a mile or so away. Not really going to worry about that until spring though.
Off tomorrow and I picked up the wire to re-do that outlet. I warned S18 that the power may be out for a short while as I do up the connections. I have the plan all figured out. Power off - disconnect the existing circuit - power on - do the wiring up to the box - power off - connect - power on and test. Easy peasy.
I've got the kitchen pretty much under control now. I'm going to do some re-arranging. Between how I had it before, the changes that B made and then S's D26 made there are some organizational changes that will make a lot of sense.
I'm hoping to get some clarity from S on the weekend about the moving plan but am doubting that I will be so lucky. S may well be upset with the amount of stuff that I've "tidied up" but really that's not my problem. What can she do if she's mad at me? Leave?
I do have a backup plan for the critters if she tries to leave them behind. There's an animal sanctuary that S supports locally and they would probably take them in albeit I would undoubtedly need to make a good sized donation.
They are non-kill and privately run. Hopefully that question doesn't come up.
When is your IC appointment? Coming up soon?
Next Tuesday evening. I have a phone consult with my GP earlier in the day. He may suggest something chemical for my "panic attacks" but if they aren't damaging me I'd rather not have that sort of crutch. The fact that they can take some days to recover from though is still a concern.
Would insulin be a crutch if you were diabetic? How about something for hypertension Or cholesterol if you needed it? If you have a medical condition or situation causing panic attacks, medication is called a treatment - not a crutch. Although sometimes a crutch is a treatment as well as it helps your body to heal on its own after which you no longer need the crutch. There is no difference among these, yet far too many see them differently, like going on AD medication is somehow a weakness. Why suffer? If you need it you need it. Now I would not go on a benzodiazepine or anything potentially addicting. But there are some good non addicting medications out there that can work well. First you didn’t want to believe that you didn’t have heart problems - even after a cardiac cath proved otherwise. It seems now you are coming to agree it’s not cardiac but panic attack related but you still don’t want to treat it? You really are stubborn aren’t you. Lol. And the doc may decide it’s not bad enough or worth potential side effects to treat at this time, but if he or she does recommend you give it a try because it could very well improve your quality of life, why fight it? If you can feel better, why not do it? What’s the pay off of staying “sick”?
Are you on any beta blockers? These are often used in cardiac patients to lessen the load the heart has to push against, but they are also helpful in even small doses for social anxiety and stage fright, may be a win-win treatment for the panic attacks.
Happy Saturday everyone. An overcast day here. Cool but not cold.
S messaged me late yesterday afternoon to let me know that she was heading here after dinner and suggested she could pick up her S18 after work. She had previously told me she wouldn't be here until Saturday but "whatever".
A bit later - not at all to my surprise she let me know that she wouldn't make it to pick up her son from work. S18 seemed disappointed and commented that he was used to being the kid who was always picked up last.
I have asked him previously "how's the packing going" and it is I think top of mind for him. I asked and his grandfather's house has a partially finished basement with a solid floor that could work as rabbit habitat but the choice on where he lives is out of my hands.
He commented one time recently that he appreciated me driving him around etc and I responded that even though I wasn't his Dad, he was living under my roof. I want to make sure that he doesn't get too attached to the idea that I will be there to help him out too much. He's a decent if troubled kid but not my responsibility.
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S got here probably well after 9:00 and I was already in bed. By the noises, she and S18 visited for a bit and both wandered around the house pretty much all night. I partly expected her to crawl into bed at 2:00am or so but she never did. Phew.
Either she's respecting my boundaries or the thing that made me attractive to her was my bank account, house and ability to clean, not my bodacious hairy back. Let's be kind and pick some from column A and just a few from column B.
She's undoubtedly seen at least briefly that I've packed up quite a bit of her stuff.
She's in S13's former room and I honestly don't expect to see her surface until this afternoon sometime. I have no idea what her plans are or how long she's intending on staying here. Hopefully not more than a day or so. I'm going to ask her for some guidance on how she wants the more fragile things packed - stuff I've held off on. There's also a small amount of food here and she's not added to the grocery list so presumably she's not expecting to stay for long. I'd asked S18 to review the grocery list and he's added some things to it - a mix of real food and junk - so he's learning I suppose. I joked with him last night that I was turning him into a "good food snob".
We also had an interesting chat based on an article from SubStack I was reading by Dr. Patrick Wyman - a historian who thinks fairly deep thoughts. It was on the topic of "bro-culture" and how it had parallels to the middle-ages knight class. It turns out that S18 is well familiar with "bro-culture" and many of the people referenced in the article are people who he follows. Certainly an enlightening piece that cast a bit of light on a part of Western culture that I knew little about and also cast a different light on what he viewed as the historic parallels. I'd suggest looking for it if how western cultural trends have perhaps echos in the deep past is something of interest.
I'm still stressed about having to deal with S but less so as time goes on. My chest pain is now very rare and when I had an echo of it yesterday I did some focusing and deep breathing exercises and that seemed to help.
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I had yesterday off and other than having to be here to take S18 in to work and then pick him up afterwards, had a good day and got a bunch of stuff done. I would have preferred to be off on some sort of ramble through the woods etc but it is what it is.
Despite being off, there were a few things for work that I had to deal with - I'm one of "those people" who are rarely off the clock. We're having disturbing increases in our supply chain with COVID19 being specifically mentioned in the case of driver shortages. A bit order that ties up some production equipment for several days is having to be shifted for a second time because raw materials I need aren't coming in. We also seem to have a shortage of skids / pallets and a hard time getting more. Stock up on toilet paper everyone!
I did get my wiring done and was rather pleased with myself. Even though it's a bad idea I did manage to do it with the panel left energized. I powered down the circuit to swap out the one line, ran new conductor from the outlet to the panel and wired it up with the panel energized. At one point I realized that if something happened that my phone was on me so I put it on the workbench. It was all good though. I used my pigtail testers to verify that every place I was touching was not live. The riskiest part was running the new wire into the panel. I have a set of hemostats that I picked up years ago that do a great job of fishing things out from a depth. I also noticed a couple of loose connections while I was in the panel and tightened them down while I was in there. It took about 2 hours total and really made me feel good to get done. I did 95% of the wiring in this house myself so had confidence in what I was doing but it's been quite a long time since I was inside the panel. I was fortunate that I had 2 spare circuits I could use as well. When my insurance company sent an inspector in to the house a few years ago he took a close look at the panel, asked a few questions, pronounced it decent enough work and moved on. I'm glad that my kitchen is now pretty much completely up to code now with 3 circuits rather than 1. It will make it even more usable.
I also took some time and washed almost all the inside windows yesterday too. S complained that ammonia based cleaners bothered her so we threw those out. I restocked because they work well and knew that any scent would be gone before she got here. It's nice having more time and I feel like I'm catching up rather than before when I wasn't even able to keep up with the mess. And the various nose prints etc are now cleaned off.
Outside whatever I need to deal with with S - it should be a busy weekend. I want to get my Christmas cards written out today. I'll drop them off in the post on Sunday when I'm heading over for brunch with my 26.
First weekend of the month as well so scrubbing to do and I may try to get the dusting done as well.
My D28 and her husband have confirmed that they are moving to Seattle and I have an address so now to do some research on what to get them that can be delivered locally for Christmas. I have a couple of acquaintances in Seattle that have given me a few pointers on where I can get gift baskets assembled and what sort of museums and parks are around.
I am stressed with S being here but realistically there's not a lot of leverage she has. She has a place she can go as is well illustrated by the fact that she's not spent more than a day or so at a time here in the past nearly 2 months.
I want to try to get more of the outside decorating done today as well as the other usual things. I may also stop by the local flea-market and check to see if I can find a new butter dish and spoon rest. The grocery list contains a number of baking spices that I'm suddenly short on too.
Counting down the time until the New Year. I have my hopes that the exit of S and her crew and then her stuff will go smoothly. She's commented that she's had to move quite a few times and this time I'm on this end helping move things out which will make that part at least a lot more organized than when she moved in.
I was listening through the night last night to the rabbits bouncing around, doors opening and closing, cats meowing and people moving up and down the hall and thinking how nice it will be to have an undisturbed sleep and quiet again.
any time you start to backslide into excessive NG mode, read the post you just wrote. In fact, print it out and keep it in your wallet.
any time you start to backslide into excessive NG mode, read the post you just wrote. In fact, print it out and keep it in your wallet.
Great advice!
Just shaking my head here. Is there really that much of a shortage of middle-aged guys with jobs out there or am I just imagining things.
I stopped into a local gift shop to pick up a present for my son as recommended by an acquaintance of mine. Lovely little consignment shop, friendly owner - a retired EMS dispatcher. We chatted for a while, as soon as she found out that I had some technical skills she had me fixed her computer and she suggested I come back for coffee and a visit later "anytime you like" ...
Nice lady - but - do they smell it on me? As Pepe-Le-Pew posits - is it indeed possible to be too attractive?
I beat a retreat - but got a lovely hand-made lap blanket for my son and a Christmas towel for myself.
S is still in bed at 3:45pm. I expect she's catching up on her sleep - this isn't actually too out of character for her especially if she's been burning the candle at both ends. Not my job to wake her up. It is worrisome though if I'd not known her to do this before and that was when I felt entitled to "adult" for her and make sure she got up, took her meds and ate.
Less for me to deal with if she is in bed and then wanders around through the night like the ghost at the banquet.
Some clarity. S finally got up and let me know that she has a 38' truck showing up on Thursday to load her stuff and take it into storage. That should handle the bulk of it including the garage.
She's (reasonably) not a happy lady but more resigned to the state of things.
She did mention that her D26 needed a transfusion because of blood loss from her miscarriage. I feel bad that all of this is happening all at once to her but there's nothing I can do to help other than stay the heck out of the way.
She also said she has no plans on where she or S18 will end up.
So - a week of in house separation with someone who has a different circadian rhythm. I can do this.
Yay! So glad she’s got the storage sorted out. Box that stuff up so it can all go.
(A 38 foot truck - I’m pretty sure I’ve moved an entire house full of furniture and belongings in less. That’s a lot of stuff. )
Just having all that stuff out of the house will be a relief, even if she and S18 don’t move out until after the new year.
Don’t forget - she’s an adult. This is not her first breakup. You can’t fix her. Your expectations were not unreasonable.
I am so glad to read that S has arranged for a truck. Now, is she having someone pick the stuff up? Or, is she planning to load it herself or is she looking for you to do the loading? Andrew, I'm w/kml, pack all of that stuff up and have it ready to move on out. Everything must go on that truck. It's better if you are doing the packing so that your stuff doesn't inadvertently get packed up as well.
I can't wait to hear how relieved you will be once the very last box is loaded and on the road. You will be able to see the floor and furniture once again. You will be able to clean one room at a time.
I also agree w/kml on the fact that she is an adult and you were not her parent in this relationship. This isn't the firest breakup, so she knows the drill and knows what she needs to do to get herself motivated and things completely packed up, stored and moving herself, as well as her children, from your home. When she goes, please make sure that they take all of the animals as well.
BTW, be sure that the freezer is moved with the deceased pets in it, especially if you aren't planning to use that freezer yourself.
We all can't wait to hear how Thursday goes. We all hope that everything goes smoothly and you can reclaim your home once again.
I have moved the entire contents of my house in a 20’ livestock trailer so I’m hopeful that the 38’ moving truck will accommodate all of her stuff. That’s a LOT of room to stack stuff. I echo the sentiments of the others: I’m glad she’s getting her crap together and getting her stuff disentangled from yours. You should definitely do part of the packing, if not the bulk, mainly to keep your things from being taken away, whether by accident or on purpose. Normally I would tell you to let her handle it but honestly, I just wouldn’t put it past her to include some of your treasured items just to gig you. And she and S18 need to get his situation figured out because he needs to be finding his way too. It is insane to me that she’s basically just written him off as though he’s a piece of trash she can just toss aside. It’s sad really. Like everyone else said, though, this is not her first break up and she is an adult and a survivor. She’ll be fine until the next one comes along she can latch onto. From where I’m sitting, you kept your side of the street totally clean in all of this and you need to focus on taking your home and your life back. Yes, mourn the loss of the relationship however you need to, but do not dwell on it or take more ownership of the negative side than you are due. You’ll heal and get your space and your pride in that space back.
I am so glad to read that S has arranged for a truck. Now, is she having someone pick the stuff up? Or, is she planning to load it herself or is she looking for you to do the loading? Andrew, I'm w/kml, pack all of that stuff up and have it ready to move on out. Everything must go on that truck. It's better if you are doing the packing so that your stuff doesn't inadvertently get packed up as well.
S and her family are taking care of the moving. S is here and is in the hallway behind me packing right now so kind of awkward at the moment. Her son-in-law has been recruited to drive the truck and there will be muscle enough I am sure with S18 and D19's boyfriend. D19 is a pretty robust young lady as well and there may be some other friends recruited. Her D26 will undoubtedly be supervising and organizing and baby-wrangling. My plan which is helped by the fact that it will be a Thursday is to be down at the plant all day and not under-foot. I really don't want to be the ghost at the banquet. In some ways I hope for a repeat of when my ex-wife gutted the house - which was also a Thursday I think. Come home to an essentially empty place.
I'm confident that I annoyed her by packing up some of her stuff but the key reason was to make sure that "my" stuff was clearly segregated because while I have a certain amount of confidence that S herself wouldn't raid I don't know about poorly informed helpers. Other than the glassware and some food all of her stuff is out of the kitchen. I moved all of "my" stuff out of the dining room including my good silver and serving dishes and have stored it elsewhere.
I'm not too worried that any of my stuff that I truly care about will be moved and it is best that I keep the heck out of the rest of the packing. If the tables etc also go, I have plans in place. I also talked to S18 and made sure he knew where stuff was staged and segregated. I also told him that I wouldn't be too shocked if the tables etc go (I can hope) and had plans as well if the stove left.
I did have a laugh because S's vibrator was removed from the bedside table as one of the first things she did. Perhaps she has need of it but I do know she was horrified when she moved if the kids would see it. No clue if she's replaced the batteries in it or not.
I can't wait to hear how relieved you will be once the very last box is loaded and on the road. You will be able to see the floor and furniture once again. You will be able to clean one room at a time.
The present is difficult but it's a path to a better future. I'm grateful to S for taking decisive action to clear out the house and at least some of the out-buildings.
I also agree w/kml on the fact that she is an adult and you were not her parent in this relationship. This isn't the firest breakup, so she knows the drill and knows what she needs to do to get herself motivated and things completely packed up, stored and moving herself, as well as her children, from your home. When she goes, please make sure that they take all of the animals as well.
BTW, be sure that the freezer is moved with the deceased pets in it, especially if you aren't planning to use that freezer yourself.
I'm not sure on the disposition of the pets but I expect the cats will be gone fairly soon. The rabbits will go with S18. At this point I'm not offering any extension for him and they aren't asking. The freezer and contents is an open question. I have no problems with laying the wee burdies to rest in the spring in a respectful fashion for S18.
We all can't wait to hear how Thursday goes. We all hope that everything goes smoothly and you can reclaim your home once again.
Yeah - I just keep telling myself to keep my head down, keep quiet, keep out of the way and that it will be over faster and smoother for that. It's like waiting in the dentist's waiting room not knowing if you will
I have moved the entire contents of my house in a 20’ livestock trailer so I’m hopeful that the 38’ moving truck will accommodate all of her stuff. That’s a LOT of room to stack stuff.
Yep. She used a smaller truck that hauled a load from her former partner's place and one from her apartment. Depending on how it's packed, it may actually be fairly full. My house and lot may actually rise up a few inches with all of that weight gone
And she and S18 need to get his situation figured out because he needs to be finding his way too. It is insane to me that she’s basically just written him off as though he’s a piece of trash she can just toss aside. It’s sad really. Like everyone else said, though, this is not her first break up and she is an adult and a survivor.
The future of S18 is up to them and not me. I think he's got some confidence that I'm someone he can call in case of emergency even if I won't be part of his life. I asked and he would like me to write out some of my recipes including ones he's tried himself - he even suggested some for me to include. I have hopes that he will find his feet under him perhaps more effectively now that he's been in a household with - if I could toot my own horn here a bit - a functioning male adult who manages fine on his own.
From where I’m sitting, you kept your side of the street totally clean in all of this and you need to focus on taking your home and your life back. Yes, mourn the loss of the relationship however you need to, but do not dwell on it or take more ownership of the negative side than you are due. You’ll heal and get your space and your pride in that space back.
And staying away from random women. I was telling my S26 over brunch today about my encounter at the craft shop and he pointed out to me that a man going in to a craft shop BY HIMSELF without a wedding ring on and who spent time browsing and asking questions was certainly single. And that middle-aged women who work at craft shops would spot one of these a mile away perhaps by smell alone.
Lol.. Your son is pretty sharp!
I'm grateful to S for taking decisive action to clear out the house and at least some of the out-buildings.
SOME of the outbuildings???? Oh no no no. EVERYTHING should go on that truck. And make sure your silver etc is clearly marked as yours and not anywhere that someone would mistakenly pick it up and put it on the truck.
As for your son’s comment - an unmarried man in a craft store could also be gay. Maybe she was looking for a gay BFF? Lol
Andrew,
With a truck that size, she will be able to take it all in one trip. She needs to clear out whatever stuff she has in all of the buildings, i.e., just as kml stated.
We'll see what shakes out when I get home on Thursday. I won't pre-judge the result of the packing and loading. The weather is supposed to be ok on Thursday. Given that I had believed that the bulk of this stuff was going to be here until spring, I'll take what wins I can get. I would be surprised if there's much left though.
And yes - I've gone through pretty much everything and split out what goes and what stays fairly explicitly.
S is being pretty thorough in the packing. Many of her books are packed and I believe she's in the kitchen right now packing up glassware. I'm staying out of her way. I think she's perhaps pleased but also saddened on how helpful and cooperative I'm being on her moving out.
It's still surreal to me and probably will be for the next few days.
^^^^^ what job and k said.
also, i wouldn't make myself too scarce --- you're going to want to make sure of a couple things while the truck and
'help' are there:
1. that none of your things hitch a ride with her
2. that everything that's supposed to go, does in fact leave the premises
this is a marvelous opportunity for you, Andrew, to get it all done in a much faster timeframe than anticipated. I'm so happy for you. Hope this in fact clears her out of your space.
S is being pretty thorough in the packing. Many of her books are packed and I believe she's in the kitchen right now packing up glassware.
Just notice this - she's being effective in packing up her things, yet she was completely ineffective when it came to sorting through her things. So it's not that she couldn't have mustered up the energy to unpack and clean and get things in order. It's that her hoarding got in the way, because she didn't want to let go of anything. She is being effective now because it's all about keeping all of her stuff. She couldn't be effective before because it was about getting rid of some of her stuff. I suspect that you have two things working in your favor right now. One is that she actually has the means right now to rent a truck and pay for storage. The second is that your clear statement that you wouldn't keep her things past a certain date has probably saved you from the fate of her past partners left storing her things. Good boundary setting! She probably fears that her "stuff" isn't "safe" with you and that's a good thing if it's lighting a fire under her getting that stuff out of your place.
I suggest you "help" her pack the stuff that is in outbuildings as a way of reminding her what she has there as well.
And remember, the fact that you feel mostly relief as you reclaim your home is a sign that you're doing the right thing.
amen to Kml's most recent post. poke around in the outbuildings while S is around to see it. that will light a fire under her @$$
I, too, agree w/kml and bttrfly about the reminders of the things in the buildings.
What I find very interesting is how quickly she's packing up her stuff this time around and getting read to be picked up on Thursday. Didn't she take her sweet time packing up stuff and waiting until the last minute to get the stuff hauled over to your home and some of it being off loaded in the night?
Stick to your timeframe about all of that stuff being moved off your property. I would definitely be taking a look in the buildings and reminding her that her stuff is in there as well and needs to go.
I truly feel sorry for the boys. It's almost like she has left them to fend for themselves and yet, she's right there, Johnny on the spot for the girls. It's any wonder her oldest son is living far, far away and not getting involved in her drama. As for the pets, she shouldn't take in any more pets because she gives me the impression that she doesn't care about them as long as her boys are focused on taking care of them. I pray that the boys father steps up and works with them because they truly are the lost children in all of this.
Andrew, you will feel a load lifted off your shoulders when that truck pulls away w/all of her stuff.
Thanks all. The packing does indeed continue in a rather methodical fashion. I've been shifting things that are staying like this morning one of the blanket boxes I built that has my spare wool blankets in it, out of the way and from under her piles of stuff. While I do have a fair amount of trust in her not taking things that she shouldn't, I can't trust others who will be operating with poor guidance to just not pick up stuff that's piled together and load it on the truck. S doesn't agree but puts on her "tolerant" expression that she's used a lot with me over the past number of months. I'm confident that she's annoyed that I'm not just "trusting her" to sort through things herself. She is very much the "I know what I'm doing and just do it this way" sort and some of our conflicts in the past have been when I disagreed with her and had my own opinions. Which caused anger, tears and finger pointing to be sent my way. A tactic that I eventually recognized as DARVO.
I, too, agree w/kml and bttrfly about the reminders of the things in the buildings.
What I find very interesting is how quickly she's packing up her stuff this time around and getting read to be picked up on Thursday. Didn't she take her sweet time packing up stuff and waiting until the last minute to get the stuff hauled over to your home and some of it being off loaded in the night?
I always knew that she was a capable person but as I have learned, doesn't use that potential in her day to day life. I think that it helps that here she has had room to spread out and that things aren't so packed in not to mention dirty, abandoned and broken like a lot of what was in her apartment. How I didn't recognize her as a hoarder with that mind-set I really don't know. I just considered her overwhelmed and put down the broken and abused possessions as being the fault of the kids - which a lot of it was - but then it was also just left and neglected.
There were "numerous" trips to the landfill as part of the process of her moving out of her apartment and even here there were bags of things to throw out, some of it just literal garbage that she moved in with her. That certainly slowed down the move-out process along with the effort needed to actually go through stuff that she had accreted there.
This time as well she seems to have a bit more of a budget and has invested in quite a lot of new boxes rather than just whatever she could find for free. A lot of clothes and such have apparently been packed into garbage bags again.
My ex-wife was a fan of those organizing / hoarder shows. Interestingly they bothered my son so much that he refused to watch them. She and I used to though and I think part of it for her was to show to herself that she "wasn't that bad". One fairly common thread though is how "normal" these people are outside their environments. I still believe that S loved how organized and tidy this house was before she moved in. And perhaps did feel that with enough storage and enough time that it would magically be organized and tidy even with all her stuff in it. But was perfectly fine with not having the habits and attitudes that support an organized and tidy lifestyle. And from what I was able to eventually gather, resented those who tried to impose those habits on her.
The outbuildings are as organized as they can be. The stuff in the garage and the large tarp shed where the boat is stored is 90% all her's so I'm not too worried about that. I shifted the "S" stuff back in the summer into the middle of the garage as a necessity so that I could get to my ladders so it's pretty obvious. The boat's been shifted over and so all the furniture and stuff that is piled in there can be easily accessed. She's "unlikely" to mistakenly take a 23' long gaff-rigged sloop with her. The only questionable bit is in the garden shed but again, there's not much that there could be mistakenly taken except perhaps for some folding chairs which I rarely used anyway.
One thing I know about S is that she has no patience for being "man-splained" to and believes she knows everything she needs to know. I did talk to S18 and told him briefly about where things are and how to prop the doors open for carrying.
I continue to have few worries about things leaving that shouldn't. I have no information on what S is planning on taking or not but have told her that I have plans for replacement tables and stove. I was actually looking this morning online and there's a local appliance dealer who has a new stove for about $650 that would do just fine and is the same price as the "big box" places.
As far as the timeframe goes, this appears to be expedited beyond my expectations. Which I'm more than fine with. I had anticipated a long drawn-out process - similar to as you pointed out job - on how she moved in.
I truly feel sorry for the boys. It's almost like she has left them to fend for themselves and yet, she's right there, Johnny on the spot for the girls. It's any wonder her oldest son is living far, far away and not getting involved in her drama. As for the pets, she shouldn't take in any more pets because she gives me the impression that she doesn't care about them as long as her boys are focused on taking care of them. I pray that the boys father steps up and works with them because they truly are the lost children in all of this.
I can't fix them. The boys' father may step up a bit more because he would love to stop paying child support but he has poor life-skills as well. S13 is probably staying with him and that may continue because he likes the even more rule free life-style there. I do feel though that both boys as well as D19 are headed down paths that may not end well for them. D19 will undoubtedly survive and may do well because she well knows she has the "pretty" card to play. S18 has told me that one of the reasons he things she and her boyfriend got back together was that because from a very early age she "had" to have a boyfriend - any boyfriend. Something she undoubtedly learned from her mother. But she also has a cold side to her and I would not be too surprised if she found a sugar daddy before too long. She's not worked since last summer outside of a bit of modeling and likes nice things. But yeah - not my kids - not mine to fix. Even when I imagined that S and I would be a couple, I made it clear that I wanted no responsibility for raising her kids.
Andrew, you will feel a load lifted off your shoulders when that truck pulls away w/all of her stuff.
This purge out will be good. It's unreasonable to think that this will be
all but who knows? We all will on Thursday evening. Personally I expect to come home to a house with no tables, possibly no stove, all the other stuff out but S18, his packed room, rabbits and cats still here. I can feel the "cloud" in the house at present and just keep telling myself that it will lift in a few days. It helps that S stays in bed until early afternoon and our overlap is minimal.
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Just got off the phone with my GP. He's going to prescribe me Ativan but agrees with me that if I can cope with breathing exercises etc that that is preferred. Given my family history and current state, being careful about heart health is also top of mind.
I have my first IC appointment late this afternoon. It's going to be interesting to see how that plays out. I'm not hoping for any real break-throughs but some insight in how to deal better with things like being conflict avoidant and tempering my built in default trust of people is hopefully going to be a starting point. I don't want to pre-judge too much - I'll tell my stories and see what she thinks.
On another note - my daughter, her 2 cats and husband have made it half-way up California on their way to Seattle. All is going well thus far.
I've been shifting things that are staying like this morning one of the blanket boxes I built that has my spare wool blankets in it, out of the way and from under her piles of stuff.
This is good, you can't rely on the kids and any helpers they bring to be diligent about identifying what is yours and what is her, so your stuff should be well out of the way, especially anything that's in a box, because lord knows you'd never find it in her stuff again if she took it by accident.
As for your son being bothered by the Hoarder shows - I imagine if you asked him he would tell you that he recognized his mom as a hoarder, and was bothered by it. It probably really bothered him to see you living in an even worse hoarding situation. I wonder if the kids knew that about her and that's why they tried to warn you off?
You're right, btw, about hoarders being able to present as normal to the outside world. The thing to work on in therapy for you is why you didn't recognize it when you saw her apartment?
(Btw I'm not shaming hoarders - it's a form of mental illness that is very difficult to treat. )
Just got off the phone with my GP. He's going to prescribe me Ativan but agrees with me that if I can cope with breathing exercises etc that that is preferred.
Do you hear the alarm bells ringing that I do? I’m not a doctor, never try to be. But Ativan is smack dab in the category I hoped he would not go - benzodiazepines. Is this an older doctor? Is this just a one time thing to give a try with for a short period? Again, I’m not a doctor but there has been a HUGE push away from these medications for long term use. The newer docs often will not go near them. Some of the older docs have just not gotten the memo. These can create more problems than they solve and have done exactly that for far too many people. 30 every six months is no big deal. But sadly how this can go is one a week and no more, until it’s 2 a week - but no more. Then all of a sudden it’s one every other day but that’s it - absolutely no more. All of a sudden it’s one a day, but this has to be it, the max, absolutely no more and before you know it you need them to get through the day and by this time it’s too late. Coming off of them can be h*ll and unlike opioids, can be deadly if stopped abruptly. There are so many better ways to manage anxiety than benzodiazepines. That went out many years ago.
I don’t want to scare you away from treating this. Just please Google benzodiazepine abuse or benzodiazepine addiction. Just read up on it and know the risks. Many doctors won’t go there anymore or only for 2 to 4 weeks. These are controlled substances and included in the prescription monitoring databases for a reason. Just please be very careful. Again, if he gives you 30 with no refills, I would not worry for now. If he gives you 90 with 2 refills - PLEASE THINK ABOUT THIS VERY CAREFULLY.
Again, I’m a paramedic, not a doctor. But I’m also 11 years in recovery from addiction. You will not find a single person who knows me who would have ever believed this could happen to me - including me. Yet it did. You may well do fine with them. Many just do not. Just please be one an informed patient about this course of treatment. There are safer methods.
Thanks Don - He's giving me 20 with no refills and expects it to last a year. Given your personal experience I am taking your warnings seriously.
He's a younger doctor who took over the practice from my old GP who is the same age as me a couple of years ago.
He seemed to appreciate that my first go-to will be breathing exercises.
Just never fails to crack me up - use a 3 instead of an e - still looks like the same word found in the holy bible, still pretty much is the same word found in the holy bible and said in church, but since it's spelled with a 3 rather than an E it's now okay. Rationalization really is the second strongest human drive - as my favorite talk show host has claimed for years. Plus I got an afternoon chuckle so that's always good.
Ah Hem, back to the original topic, yeah 20 for a years use is not dangerous. So I don't want you to now think that you can never take one. When and if the anxiety is really bad, you can take one. You may hate how they make you feel. Some people do. It's just when you love how they make you feel that you need to worry. My gut tells me that once the stress is removed from your life, so too will the chest pain and anxiety. And if so, the need to use any medication will go away too. If not, or if you find this returning sometime down the road, just know there are safer meds that you can take that won't make you feel "funny" or different but you'll just notice "hey I don't have near as much anxiety or chest pain as I used to." Nothing inappropriate of him giving you 20 a year. It's sometimes as much done to make patients feel like the doc is doing something. They used to do that with antibiotics, until that started to create other issues for us.
Anyhow, while my original caution still holds, don't let that keep you from using one when you really need to. As long as you don't have an easy, copious supply, you should be fine. It's not like all patients develop addiction and you likely are in the camp of those who don't.
Happy Wednesday all. Possibly the final day of in-house separation. Boy am I looking forward to this being over.
At 10:30 S is still in bed - no surprise. She was in bed until mid-afternoon yesterday. I've heard beeping and whatnot from the front bedroom she's in but no activity. She actually washed the dishes yesterday as I was leaving for my IC appointment at 3:45pm. A number of them she and her son had dirtied but still - it was nice. They were still in the drying rack when I got home after 8:00 pm but still ...
I also picked up my prescription yesterday. Tiny tiny pills. I put 2 in the sealed waterproof case that has my emergency aspirin that I always carry with me. I wrapped them in plastic so that they can be found and so that they won't interact with / be damaged by my aspirin. We'll see if I ever take one. The pharmacist made time to talk to me about the prescription and seemed pleased when I said "Having a bad day, have a beer. Having a really really bad day, take a pill and no beer."
Had my IC session yesterday evening. I'm not sure what to make of it. A fair bit of ground was covered, digging into my FOO - nothing really to see there other than my Dad's tendency to also believe in people and how that caused him a lot of grief. She had me rate a few things on a scale of 1-10 like how I felt about my inner voice (I like me - even when I mess up), how well I did on self care (a number of solo activities that give me joy) and seemed to think that I'm a pretty balanced person. Fooled her perhaps? I'm perhaps a bit less of a basket case than many other first time patients though.
I was in there for about 2 hours - she likes talking as well. There were some visualizations she used on how people can be givers and takers that made a lot of sense to me. She seemed supportive of the fact that I chose to end the relationship with S and that that was a good thing to do. Nothing much on how to avoid similar situations in the future but it was the first appointment and there was a lot of ground to cover.
I did talk a bit about my worries on how I am vulnerable to people who push things through like I believe S did. She always got upset when I tried to slow things down and pushed for me to have her in my life faster than I should have allowed. And then pushed for my son to move out and her and her crew to move in, again faster than what I had intended and faster than what I wanted. I was complicit because I had the agency to stop that and didn't. I think it will do me well in all aspects of my life to learn how to better say "no" to people. I recently had a couple of episodes with work that showed me that while I'm better at saying no there, I'm still not good enough.
I like her. She certainly seems to know what she's doing and has a narrative style that works for me. She's going to send me some follow-up information - and the bill. I did ask at the end of the appointment, like I do in all meetings "so what are the next steps" and she didn't have much of an answer for me. We'll see if she thinks there is value in future sessions.
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S and I presume S18 weren't here when I got home but more boxes seem to have been filled. I think S has used up her initial ambition which is a problem for her. She's good at bursts of activity but can't sustain it. She did go through the boxes of kitchen stuff that I already packed - reasonable. Most of her mugs and glasses are packed. There are boxes stacked "everywhere" throughout the house. There is still a significant amount that has not been packed as well though. There is a "lot" of stuff. I've taken pictures to remind me on how bad this is.
I'm not sure what her plans are for moving day tomorrow but I would hope that she's going to be up early and getting things finished up. I'm going to leave the door unlocked when I leave for the plant.
I did see a list that she had where she has some things that presumably she doesn't want to forget. Bookcases, recycling bins (tricky because tomorrow is garbage day) and S18 is also on that list.
I'm staying out of it all and will deal with whatever I have to deal with tomorrow. Walking through the hallway with cat litter crunching under foot from her messy cats (yes I use a tracking mat) just reinforces how much I'm going to like having this place back to myself.
I might finally get my Christmas tree on the weekend. I've put it off because of the expected activity around the house.
On another note I actually got a take-out pizza for dinner last night. The first one in quite a while - and then felt the buzz from all the salt on it for hours through the night. We used to get that a couple of times a week because I didn't want to cook for everyone and S just plain never wanted to cook either.
She actually washed the dishes yesterday as I was leaving for my IC appointment at 3:45pm. A number of them she and her son had dirtied but still - it was nice. They were still in the drying rack when I got home after 8:00 pm but still
I find it funny that you noticed this and it seemed to bother you. It seems you are very particular about how things should get done. Maybe something to work on or find somebody who doesn't mind being smothered. I hand wash my dishes every day, and I always leave them to dry overnight to ensure they are fully dry. To me, dishes being in the drying rack at 8:00pm after being washed at 3:45pm would be normal.
Don,
Glad you got a chuckle over the number 3...I have now changed that number 3 to an asterisk. Sorry that the editing tends to bug you..just following the suggestions made by other moderators, both in the past and currently, as well as what the Administrator advises the moderators to do....but I will be sure that the language will now reflect asterisks or another character on the keyboard. However, if you think it would be better for the moderators to delete the words entirely versus changing the lettering a bit, I will be happy to pass along your comments/suggestions on to the Administrator.
Andrew,
I am glad that you kept your IC appointment. I hope that your therapist will be able to shed light on whatever it is that you are discussing w/her.
S has a big day tomorrow. Sure hope she can get out of bed early enough to get going on this move. Then again, maybe the truck and the "help" won't come until afternoon. I can't even imagine the amount of stuff that she's moved to your place. I'm sure the first thing you will enjoy is not walking on crunchy cat litter. Those cats must be really messy because you never talked about Liz and Amy being messy. Those little girls were/are classy.
I am sending positive thoughts your way...because tomorrow is going to be very interesting.
I suggest you offer to help boxing things up tonight, otherwise she's gonna end up leaving stuff at your place. The more things are boxed up the better they will fit into the truck. This is a time to let go of your "trust other people to do the right thing and pick up after them when they don't" philosophy into a more pro-active "it benefits me to make sure all her stuff goes with her so I'm gonna make sure it all gets boxed up tonight so it will get out of my house".
As for the dishes in the drying rack thing - that does seem to depend on your family culture. Some people dry them right away, others use the drying rack for just that - drying. I was always of the leave them there drying and put them away the next day type but CMM prefers to dry them right away. We have a working dishwasher again now so it doesn't matter much but will admit that with 3 sets of people making 3 different meals in my kitchen it is more polite to dry and put away the dishes in the drainer. I wouldn't bother if our kitchen use wasn't so fragmented.
Sounds like you have a good idea of what you need to work on with this therapist - your difficulty saying no and setting good boundaries.
maybe this will help you Andrew - boundaries are not just there to protect you, they protect others as well. They set a clear and concise container within which to work, live, interact.
Glad the packing is moving along and that you are that much closer to taking your house back, so to speak. Honestly, your most recent posts sound more like the old Andrew and I'm glad for that. Maybe getting yourself back for Christmas will be one of the good things to come out of this crappy pandemic year. I sure hope so...for you.
I applaud you for going to IC and really focusing on working on you. It is hard to be that vulnerable but it is a good thing, for sure. As you develop a rapport with your counselor, I'm sure you will discover more truths about yourself, as will they and you will find things easier.
Not that it matters in any way, but since others commented on it, I will too, just for the sake of argument. I'm definitely a leave the dishes in the drainer overnight girl. As a matter of fact, I will admit, in my dish drainer right now, there is a pot that has actually been there since I washed it Monday night because as I washed up last night, I was talking and not really paying attention and didn't put it away before I started putting the newly washed things in the drainer. Oops......if it is bothering my husband he hasn't mentioned it. If it is, he can put the d@mn pot away. He's a grown man who knows where things go. I will say, though, in your defense. it is your house and you have a right to have things the way you want them and so if that means dishes go away at night, then that is how it should be. In our house, despite it being Sparky's house prior to my arrival, he has demurred to me on all things kitchen storage related and so I put things where they made sense and I generally am the one who puts things away. I don't mind dishes in the drainer until the next day because at least I know they are clean and ready to go. I am a creature of habit about some things like that, as are you, and in my house, I prefer things to be a certain way. Don't apologize for it...it is what it is, you know.
I'll be sending positive vibes tomorrow. Good luck. Hang in there and it will all be finished soon.
So - S and I had a chance to talk and walk through the property and check everything this afternoon. .... Awkward ....
The plan as it sits right now is that she is going to move the bulk of the things out of the house tomorrow. S18 will be staying here, probably until the end of January. The bunnies and at least one of the cats as well. I will feed the boy and ferry him back and forth from work - S has said that she will send gas and food money but I'm not worried about that. There's a strong chance that the cat that I like least that used to fight with my girls will be leaving tomorrow. I offered to loan one of my cat carriers.
Going through the house she agrees with how I've divided things although there were a couple of items of crystal that I was unsure about that she says are mine.
The stove will be staying for now as well so I don't need to worry about that in the short term.
S has a storage unit for the stuff from here and her Dad's house. Some of the stuff like the trampoline will be left and we'll figure that out in the spring.
Tonight will probably be S's last night here. She will be updating the banking for the loan soon but has sent over the payment for this month so that's covered.
I've chosen to deal with the panic with a cold beer and some breathing and quiet space and time vs a pill.
Why on earth is she only taking one of her two cats???
BTW - I agree with bttrfly that boundaries protect others too. This is a very good example - if you'd had better boundaries in the first place, S wouldn't have had to move twice in a year. Sometimes, as the song goes, sometimes you "have to be cruel to be kind". Not necessarily actually cruel, but with good boundaries.
I'm glad you went through the stuff with her. Just, again, not clear on why she's leaving one cat and taking the other. I lay 50:50 odds on you ending up with that cat.
Even more importantly, why is she leaving HER KID?!?!?! Rhetorical question.....we all know.
We'll see what shakes out. The one cat is supposed to go with S18. There's no way I will take custody of either of them.
Bttrfly's point is well made. I actually have some reading and thinking to do on the topic of Toxic Masculinity. The idea that the ability to take a hit is a good thing. It ignores the fact that collateral damage and unintended consequences also happen.
How is an 18 year old supposed to get an apartment with rabbits AND a cat????
She actually washed the dishes yesterday as I was leaving for my IC appointment at 3:45pm. A number of them she and her son had dirtied but still - it was nice. They were still in the drying rack when I got home after 8:00 pm but still
I find it funny that you noticed this and it seemed to bother you. It seems you are very particular about how things should get done. Maybe something to work on or find somebody who doesn't mind being smothered. I hand wash my dishes every day, and I always leave them to dry overnight to ensure they are fully dry. To me, dishes being in the drying rack at 8:00pm after being washed at 3:45pm would be normal.
Normal in our house too
I have a question that has been bugging me since I read it.
Why on earth did you Google ‘bleeding in pregnancy’ regarding her daughter?
How is an 18 year old supposed to get an apartment with rabbits AND a cat????
No clue. My own son had enough difficulties in finding a place he could take his cats to - and even then he snuck them in after and presented his landlord with une fait accompli. Presumably the social workers or whatnot who are involved / going to be involved will figure that out. Otherwise his mother will need to. They can't stay with me.
She actually washed the dishes yesterday as I was leaving for my IC appointment at 3:45pm. A number of them she and her son had dirtied but still - it was nice. They were still in the drying rack when I got home after 8:00 pm but still
I find it funny that you noticed this and it seemed to bother you. It seems you are very particular about how things should get done. Maybe something to work on or find somebody who doesn't mind being smothered. I hand wash my dishes every day, and I always leave them to dry overnight to ensure they are fully dry. To me, dishes being in the drying rack at 8:00pm after being washed at 3:45pm would be normal.
Normal in our house too
LOL - amazing how what are to me simple and minor things get the most attention. I would have had no issue with things sitting out for a bit as long as I knew they would eventually be put away. Personally I'm a believe in "the job's not done until the tools are put away". My point actually was that for perhaps the third time ever that she actually even washed the dishes. I've not nagged about them not being put away - just expressed pleasure when that part of the job got done.
I have a question that has been bugging me since I read it.
Why on earth did you Google ‘bleeding in pregnancy’ regarding her daughter?
The poor lass had a mis-carriage and was taken into emergency because of excess bleeding. S said that she needed a transfusion because of blood loss.
She's a healthy and fit young lady and will undoubtedly be fine - but she's a nice kid and I like her and so was worried.
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The house was in chaos when I left - the truck is supposed to arrive by around 10:00 - I left the door unlocked since S and S18 may not be up when people come to help. It's a small village and everyone "watches out" for everyone else. I moved a few other objects out of the way so that they don't accidentally disappear or get damaged. I let my neighbours know that S is moving out so there won't be any panic. One of the things on S's list was her recycling containers and it's garbage day so she can get those after the trash is picked up.
I'm going to pop out at lunch and pick up a folding table to use in the short term as a kitchen table. I can find a use for it longer-term. And we'll see what we see when I get home. My hope is that they are all done and gone by then and I can perhaps re-do the "dancing naked in the living room" that I did when my ex-wife emptied out much of the stuff back then.
I certainly hope that S and her son are both up and ready to direct the people who are moving her stuff. I can't even imagine having that much stuff to move not once, but twice in less than a year...but it is difficult for those who have issues with hoarding.
I pray that everything goes well and that most, if not all, of the stuff in the house is gone when you return home. I pray that she will have enough respect for you and your home and will attempt to tidy up a bit once the move has taken place. I know...wishful thinking.
Wishing you all of the best today...it's going to be interesting to see how "empty" your home looks once the boxes are gone.
Haha Job - that’s some SERIOUS wishful thinking!
Haha Job - that’s some SERIOUS wishful thinking!
We can always count on job to wish the best for everyone here
I chose to work a bit long at the plant and wrapped up about 5:30 or so. Since the day starts before 7:00 a fairly long day. Unsurprisingly to me, I had a hard time focusing although it was more general and I wasn't over-thinking what was going on back at the house. Had a few things to deal with that were the usual sort of regular stressors - customers wanting product in a timeline I can't meet, suppliers not showing up, containers that are needed failing inspection, all the usual sort of stuff. It's so much better dealing with all of that stuff on site although I think that the drivers still are a bit surprised when a guy in a bow tie (and mask) shows up when they pull in to see what might be on their load. So much easier than waiting for the paperwork to be finished.
I was ok driving home although I did get more than a bit tense coming up to my village and did some breathing and grounding exercises. I'd heard from my next door neighbour late afternoon that there was a big truck in my driveway and that it had been there "all day". A bit of a contrast to what I'd heard from 20S a bit earlier who drove by around lunch and said that she had only seen S's van.
I knew that the storage unit S had closed their office at 5:00 and that the latest that she could get into the unit was 10:00 and that it was a bit over a 2 hour drive away. I drive past the house at 6:40pm and see all the lights on and a big truck in the driveway so I drive on. I pull over and send a message to S asking if they are nearly done and letting her know that I was going "in to town" to get some gas. S responds back that she was supposed to be at the storage unit at 6:00 and has no clue and will get back to me. I offer to stay away until 8:00 which is agreed to. I do some Christmas shopping and then park on a side street around the corner and pull out my book to wait.
While I was in town another neighbour who knows S from years back came up and asked what was going on. She was very supportive and kind.
A bit after 8:00 the truck parks across the street from where I am (doubt they could see me - not that it matters), it sits there for a bit - I notice that it's pretty low on the rear shocks, I read another few pages - Puddleglum the Marshwiggle is a favourite character - and I notice the truck start up and make it's way up the hill and south out of town.
I drive past the house, all the lights are on, turn around and go home.
I check the garage - nope can't quite park in there as there is still a set of shelves plus some random stuff on the floor - nothing that can't be dealt with easily. Check the garden shed - not touched, still packed, the boat shed - similarly untouched.
I see S's S18 in the kitchen and head in. The boy is very very stressed out - since he has ADHD it's physically obvious when he's wound up. I ask why he didn't go with everyone else to help unload and he said that that operation was already well staffed. I also know he has to work today. I ask why there is still stuff around and he said that the truck was stuffed right full - something that's not too surprising to me. The house looks like a tornado has been through it and strategically taken much of the bigger stuff. I go through and am reminded of when my ex-wife gutted the place. A combination of random and rigorous. Setting aside the furniture that is out with the boat, almost all of S's furniture is gone (yay). The greater bulk of the boxes and random things are also gone. There is still a bit of this and that including one drawer that has some of S's clothes in it. Pretty much everything that was stuffed in the basement is gone except humourously the large plastic doll-house that I had used as an example of how S was unable to let go of things.
The large storage area under the back stairs - which I never really used and that used to have 20S's stuff in it is still packed to the gills - with all sorts of important stuff that needed to be handy. I suspect that in the rush and chaos that it just got forgotten about.
I could detail it more but the short version is that she's essentially cleared out all the stuff that she needed to out of the house and I can work on cleaning and reclaiming. There is another large truck's worth of stuff still here though if you include the contents of the sheds. But it's not underfoot and if it is here until spring, that's no big.
Oh - and her son, his 3 rabbits and 2 cats are still here.
My expectation is that the crew showed up - probably late - that there was some confused wandering around, her daughter took some control, organized to get the furniture she could see in the house loaded and then what boxes were available while her mother inconsistently did this or that of things that didn't really matter. I'm glad they focused on the garage and house.
Going through the kitchen drawers etc there are a few minor things missing that I had thought were there but the important stuff including my serving silver is still in place. Nothing that I can't replace with the basics with a quick run through the dollar store. I picked up a 6' folding table (one sale!) that I'm going to use as a kitchen table until the New Year. A nice table-cloth on it and it will look fine and it's the sort of thing that will get use from time to time so not a wasted purchase.
My understanding is that she's supposed to be back on Monday to work with S18 on his own things and will undoubtedly grab another load for the van. She may take at least one of the cats but S18 and 4 critters are probably here until mid-January although I think S would like to have him out earlier.
My plan is to clean out the garage so I can use it (freezing rain forecast) and start cleaning / "tidying" things into the enclosed front porch. I'm going to clean out the front bedroom a bit more thoroughly and pick up an inexpensive sheet set and have the inflatable mattress there as a guest bed in case it's needed for S or anyone else. My son might be staying over at Christmas - I don't know.
I am thoroughly reminded though that this is a really really big house. Makes me laugh because S would go on about how her apartment was so much bigger which is patently false. With furniture and piles of stuff everywhere it felt so confining but for example my front hall which used to be difficult to navigate is bigger than her Dad's living room. The rooms are a bit empty feeling at the moment but I'm ok with that. I'll adjust. Prior to meeting S (and B) I had been intending on re-imagining how I use the house - time to dust that off again. I can probably close up three of the upstairs bedrooms including the one I use as an office. They all need some renovating / redecorating too. There's always something to do around this place.
The place wasn't cleaned (sorry job) but I'm not surprised. Dishes left out, piles of literal trash here and there mixed with stuff that probably needs to be organized still. But it's close and in a much much better place than I'd hoped. I can make real progress on getting this place back into shape with only few worries about needing to work around S's possessions. And it's done before Christmas so I can do my remaining decorating, get a tree this weekend and celebrate.
I can't believe she's still got another "large" truck load of stuff to get. Where did she store all of this stuff before? Surely her apartment didn't hold all of that stuff? Is there any way that the rest of the stuff in the house can be put in one room so that she doesn't forget anything on the next few trips?
I am so sorry that cleaning up has been left to you. If your son comes over and spends some time with you, will Amy and Liz be able to visit too? Can the other two cats be put in one of the vacant bedrooms while they visit?
I hope and pray that she comes over on Monday and gets some more of her stuff. BTW, did she take the shampooer?
I'm sure you are itching to get your home back in order and finish up your Christmas decorating. Maybe S18 can help you a bit. It would be a good learning experience for him to participate in the clean up.
I'm sure you will enjoy that bubble bath this weekend!
I can't believe she's still got another "large" truck load of stuff to get. Where did she store all of this stuff before? Surely her apartment didn't hold all of that stuff? Is there any way that the rest of the stuff in the house can be put in one room so that she doesn't forget anything on the next few trips?
I'm going to stage the stuff in the front porch and the one now vacant upstairs bedroom. When she moved in she brought in a truckload from her former partner's place - the one she had left 7 years ago but for some reason he and his house kept showing up in pictures that I copied and that her kids posted on social media.... She also had quite a bit stored in the younger kids' Dad's storage unit. There was a chunk of stuff that also came up from her Dad's house.
Her apartment was pretty packed though as well and was pretty big - perhaps 1500 sq ft. The hallways were lined with stuff with only a narrow and inconsistent path through it. Enough stuff was moved each time I visited though that the impression of progress was there at least in my head.
I am so sorry that cleaning up has been left to you. If your son comes over and spends some time with you, will Amy and Liz be able to visit too? Can the other two cats be put in one of the vacant bedrooms while they visit?
I get to see them every 2 weeks and I think the stress of driving them an hour each way wouldn't be good for them. Not to mention the problems with having the others around. I think they will be permanently with their "Dad" but at least I get visiting privilege's as I presume does their "Momma-mom" as my ex used to refer to herself. She had a phobia of getting old and didn't like to think of herself as even a pet Grandma. No clue how often she visits though but suspect it's less than me.
I will have to wait until I actually adopt a kitten but I'm thinking the name "Bella" is nice - we'll see if any of the eventual candidates fit it. Thinking of that not happening until the spring though when all of the stuff is out and I can get the aura of the current occupying army out of the house.
The cleaning will be therapeutic for me and I'm looking forward to it as part of finding "me" again by removing the clutter. It also gives me a chance to think about how I want to visualize using these spaces again.
I hope and pray that she comes over on Monday and gets some more of her stuff. BTW, did she take the shampooer?
We'll see what happens on Monday. Given her history and proclivity she'll probably take a load in her van each time through. It's a big Dodge Caravan so has lots of space. She did take her shampooer but as I was told when I asked, the local hardware store rents them and has a display right at the front door so I'll probably do that after I get a chance to go over everything with the regular vacuum first. The rental is likely to be more robust as well.
I picked up a 6' folding table (one sale!)
Perfect for jigsaw puzzles!
Nothing really going on but there's nobody to talk to - not that there ever was with S around.
One of the things I love about this modern age is how connected we all are within the wider world, specifically the creative world. A podcast I quite like - Our Plague Year - highly recommend it - has a song by Danny Schmidt called "Company of Friends". Yes, I could have downloaded it from somewhere or clipped it out of the podcast but after listening to some of his material on Spotify I decided yesterday to buy his album with this song on it. Put in my credit card info and late last night I got an email from the artist himself with a download link.
Unfortunately the link was to the wrong album, so I wrote back, referenced where I found his work - creative people do like to know how they've been found - and a few minutes later he emailed me back a nice note with a link to the right album, and one to a version of the song that he prefers over the one on the album.
In some ways like this place, being able to connect, even for a moment to another human being in a way that lifts both of your spirits is gratifying. I'm sure it's made Danny's day a bit brighter to hear directly from a fan that his work is appreciated and it brightened my day to get that extra personal touch.
Like a number of years ago I finished reading a fascinating (to me) book on the history of accountancy. On a whim I sent a message to the author via Twitter which she received on the Christmas morning. She wrote back about how nice it was to receive that note and on a Christmas.
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I put a Christmas table-cloth on the folding table and it looks nice. A bit too long but this is only "temporary".
I am putting together the plan about how I'm going to sort and organize things. Unsurprisingly S has left some things scattered through the house and I'm going to consolidate them.
I was able to park in the garage last night which is good because there's freezing rain in the forecast. It felt weird to do that again after all this time. I think in some ways that it bothers S18 on how the house is transforming under his feet. It undoubtedly feels weird to him to see the clutter vanish. He'd been in the house a few times before but probably doesn't remember what it was like. The amount of dirt that is under the mess is appalling. Fortunately with Christmas etc coming up I'll probably have some time to start doing some of the cleaning that needs to be done. In some ways I'm surprised at how patient I was with all of this, but from what I understand like people who for example have an addict as a partner, you keep hoping that they'll "get better". I'd told her and told myself that I was accepting her for who she was but no - I was accepting the person I thought she was / wanted her to be - not the actual person. And my perception was badly distorted.
I have an appointment with the bank this morning to sort out the accounts. S has said that she'll change the loan to come directly out of her account but she's made this month's payment to me and who knows when she'll get around to that. Other than the deposit for the truck rental which she used my CC for because her's for some reason didn't work, she's not spent any joint money for quite a while now and I don't really expect her to. By now she should have access to at least some of the funds from her Dad's estate. The fact that she's not left financially bereft after our split is a big load off my mind although I know that that should not have been a factor. Certainly a warning though about getting involved with someone who isn't solvent. Even though she was bad with money as well, B at least had an income. And knew she was bad with money.
I may go and get my Christmas tree today. It turns out that I have a huge living room with lots of space. Who knew? My decorations are still rather sparse. I have one ornament that S and I bought together last year that I will use. With the rainy weather I may or may not get my flagpole decorated. I turn it into a giant Christmas tree with star. Easier though I suppose doing that in the rain vs some years when the ground is frozen and there's a couple of feet of snow.
The forecast for Christmas here does currently call for snow a few days before and while not cold, below zero temperatures so a white Christmas is called for. I'm not sure what S26's plans are but I did hint strongly that I hoped for him to be here. S's S18 will be with his own family.
It should be a nice quiet weekend. My daughter arrived in Seattle and ended up in a different apartment than she had first thought so I need to send her a fresh card which may or may not arrive in time. I'll need to research some more on where to get her a nice gift basket but have a number of leads. My son-in-law surprisingly has gotten a job with a steel company rather than where I thought he'd end up given his expertise with steam systems. He's got a good start on the traditional post-navy beard too by the looks of it.
At work they gave us electronic gift cards which I have used to buy presents for my son - not really re-gifting but rather me getting twice the joy from one gift. First because it was nice to get that from work and secondly because I can use that to brighten my son's day too.
No clue - and tbh - not a lot of interest in how S's unloading went. I'm sure there was a fair bit of chaos and perhaps a realization that she has far more stuff than a storage unit can hold. Their way of storing things involves a lot of shoving, piling and literally throwing things on top of the heap. A lot of her possessions show the scars of a life lived without respect.
I'm starting to think again about how I want to re-imagine this house. Really - pretty much everything is fair game especially if it doesn't cost money. I have a big desk in a big and mostly empty room that I use as an office. A separate space for working though does make a lot of sense. I have 4 Ikea dressers - 3 of which are empty in the separate "sitting room" off the MBR.
There's a style of desk that I'm planning on getting that I've seen called "Secrytype". I've seen them for sale locally for about $50 - less than a new pressboard desk. One of the things I like about it is how it closes up when not in use which means that I can place it pretty much where-ever I like as a piece of furniture. And I also like the concept that I can "close" work.
Ah well - enough rambling for now. It should be a good day.
I picked up a 6' folding table (one sale!)
Perfect for jigsaw puzzles!
or poker night with the fellas ... oh, right. dang pandemic
Nothing really going on but there's nobody to talk to - not that there ever was with S around.
This.
Says all you ever need to know about the situation.
Break out the sage and start clearing the space. STAT.
I imagine that, because of your ex-wife’s hoarder tendencies, you missed how bad S’s hoarding was, because it felt familiar.
I think in some ways that it bothers S18 on how the house is transforming under his feet. It undoubtedly feels weird to him to see the clutter vanish.
I rather doubt that. Most kids of hoarders hate it. He may be bummed at being left behind again, and maybe a bit ashamed to see what a mess has been made of your house, but I doubt he misses the clutter.
In fact, please enlist him to help with some of the vacuuming and toilet cleaning - life skills he will need going forward. If you can send him off with some recipes and cooking skills, the ability to do his own laundry, and some vague notion of how to clean a home, you will have done him a great service.
I imagine that, because of your ex-wife’s hoarder tendencies, you missed how bad S’s hoarding was, because it felt familiar.
I think in some ways that it bothers S18 on how the house is transforming under his feet. It undoubtedly feels weird to him to see the clutter vanish.
I rather doubt that. Most kids of hoarders hate it. He may be bummed at being left behind again, and maybe a bit ashamed to see what a mess has been made of your house, but I doubt he misses the clutter.
In fact, please enlist him to help with some of the vacuuming and toilet cleaning - life skills he will need going forward. If you can send him off with some recipes and cooking skills, the ability to do his own laundry, and some vague notion of how to clean a home, you will have done him a great service.
I completely agree. Now 18 is someone worthy of your tendencies to help, imho. and the best way to help this poor kid is to illustrate a different way to live and give him some solid life skills he'd otherwise never learn.
Two 38 foot truckloads worth of stuff? That’s insane.
Well the next truckload might not be that big but then again there's a lot of stuff in the 24' shed that has the sailboat in it. And the garden shed is pretty packed. There's still a good chunk of stuff in the house though.
I have thoroughly purged the MBR suite. The office is clear, the kitchen and downstairs bath mostly, laundry room is clear, front hall, upstairs hall and living room are also cleared. The garage is also mostly purged and it's nice to be able to park in there again. Carrying the heavy boxes of books down from the upstairs hall was perhaps more than I should have done at once go but it feels good to see the walls and floor again. Albeit the floor is filthy and that bothers me. It's amazing how dirty things got in just a few months, especially places where things were piled. I'll probably have to damp mop most of the hardwood. I'm shifting things into the front porch, the front bedroom where S13 was (which I keep thinking of as D28's bedroom) and the dining room.
Part of me wants to feel bad about this but I will admit that it is very freeing.
I spent a bunch of today shopping around. A few things that I needed that aren't here were picked up. I was pleased because while I was out shopping I recalled that I didn't see any bubble bath nor the bath bombs that I had recently purchased on their shelf so got some new and yep - sure enough - those pampering things were gone but I was clever enough that I could have a nice soak in the tub anyway.
One of the things I was looking for was a Christmas tree but such things aren't to be found. I've messaged my younger brother to see if I can get a tree from his farm. He actually plants spruce intending on using them for Christmas trees but I'll be fine with whatever. We used to use cedar trees when I was a boy because that's what we had and the smell of cedar still takes me back to those days when we'd all gather in "the back room" around the old wood stove. I always loved wood heat - somehow it seems "nicer" although there certainly is more work and mess involved with it. I've thought about putting a small parlour stove in here but it's not practical as running the chimney up is way too much expense and effort.
Banking was largely sorted out on Saturday morning. It's funny - the lady helping me was one who I had considered dating quite a long time ago. Way too young and it turns out "gifted" with ADD. A nice person, always seeming to move at full speed. She was able to get things mostly figured out. There were some challenges that she'll have to work on later. My main chequing and savings accounts are now "mine". I have to keep the other account open because the loan is tied to it so until that gets sorted out it's active. It has just enough money in it to cover the loan and the monthly fee. I bank with a credit union and have always appreciated the personal service that I've gotten. It's amazing how perhaps most people don't think about it but in managing life's transitions having competent and compassionate people at the bank, insurance company etc is incredibly helpful.
I've not heard anything from S so asked S18 if he knew and he said that she is indeed coming back Monday as she had said but then picking him up, turning around and then bringing him back on Wednesday. I'm not expecting her until mid-late afternoon. Not sure why but it may be doctor related or she may just need his muscles. I've offered to feed his rabbits while he's away. One of the things that I got this past weekend was a set of spare sheets so that the inflatable mattress can be used for any potential guests. From what S18 said I don't need to worry about needing that for his mother.
It's funny in some ways - I dig to try to find the love that I felt for S and it's not there any more. Perhaps it wasn't attached all that thoroughly. I have affection for her and her S18 and D26 and even the dog. But no desire to have them in my life.
Well - stuffed pork loin for dinner. I spotted it at the grocery store and thought it would make a nice dinner. My mother used to make something she called "mock duck" which was beef steak wrapped around stuffing which is similar and was a favourite dish. S18 cooked himself a meal from scratch last night. Grilled cheese - but I'm not going to judge on that. I'm glad he's seeming to get more confidence in the kitchen. While it might be good to mentor the boy I don't want to step too far into a role that I don't want to have long term. He sees me and how I seem to always be puttering cleaning, cooking, reading and that perhaps gives him a different perspective on how to lead a life. That it's not about sitting in front of the TV and eating convenience food when you happen to be hungry.
Part of me wants to feel bad about this but I will admit that it is very freeing.
Yes, taking back your life is an emancipation. In the cases of our divorces it was an unwanted emancipation, but for many of us, an emancipation nonetheless. Getting control over your life again is a good thing.
Andrew hold onto this feeling. File it away in case you need to remember what it feels like in the future. xo
Part of me wants to feel bad about this but I will admit that it is very freeing.
Yes, taking back your life is an emancipation. In the cases of our divorces it was an unwanted emancipation, but for many of us, an emancipation nonetheless. Getting control over your life again is a good thing.
Music is a big thing for me. Bob Marley's Redemption Song was my theme for letting go of my marriage. "Emancipate yourself from mental slavery - none but ourselves can free our minds". It still resonates.
Andrew hold onto this feeling. File it away in case you need to remember what it feels like in the future. xo
It feels pretty good still. As odd as it sounds I don't miss S the person. Over the months leading up to now I spent quite a bit of time thinking about her and what defined her. And really couldn't find anything.
My ex-wife had a thing for cats and gave the best chin-scritches to all the fuzzy members of the household. She was dedicated to her volunteer work with girls and gave a lot of herself to that cause and grew because of it. She was a hard worker (outside the house) and despite some grumbling and complaining she was very good at it and it was a lot of what defined her. I was very proud of her.
B had a thing for chickens (long story). She was an excellent baker and took it quite seriously. Her kids, grandkids and mother were everything to her and she was constantly visiting them or talking to them. She loved travel, the beach, fishing. She liked her job, a good laugh and was unafraid to express herself - often fairly loudly and with Italian hand gestures for emphasis.
Both of these people - along with many others I have encountered over the years inspired me with their passion for the world around them. Some of that is reflected in my bow tie collection. They were also generally easy people to buy a gift for as what they were interested in was easily seen.
S - I got nothin. She kind of likes owls or at least people would give them to her. She never seemed to use any of the holistic techniques or tools she had. She's fond of her kids when she needs them to do something for her. I've certainly learned how easily I can be fooled by a facade a person can present and then that I have a tendency to believe and trust in them and actually put in the effort to maintain that facade in my mind long after it has been proven to not be a thing. Last year I got her a spa day for her and a bestie. It turns out that her former partner also got her something like that some years (presumably) prior. Neither ever got used. There's nothing that I could easily go into a shop and say "S would love this" - again - something to keep in mind. I know from having to shift it around that she has no end of kitchen gadgets and "stuff" - much of which is still in the original boxes. She has all sorts of prints and such - many with the original price tags and packaging and that never was hung up.
I don't see myself getting a tie to remember this relationship with.
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Little to my surprise S messaged me yesterday in the late afternoon that she was held up and needed me to pick up her S18 from work - and a prescription for S13. She was needing to pick up S18 for a doctor's appointment today and also wanted to grab winter coats and boots from the stuff still here.
S18 was working until 8:00 and she messaged me at 6:15 from an hour away at S13's Dad's place where presumably he's been for the past few weeks - again. She never got here I believe (I was in bed) until well after 9:00 or perhaps 10:00. I heard some various moving around in the house around then. So it took her nearly 4 hours to pick up S13 and do a 1 hour drive. It's not out of the question that she was visiting with her ex - who has that on the S bingo card? I do think that she is one of "those people" who have to have someone as a partner just like her S18 was saying about his sister.
It was odd waking up in the house with no other human souls in it. Not bad, just "odd" and a bit emptier feeling. The cats were still here - darn - and the rabbits which S18 asked me to feed today.
Some more stuff was grabbed including the aforementioned coats and boots. With that gone I may look at packing up what is in the side-porch / mudroom. Looking around the house as it empties and I reclaim it, I am reminded that yes - I do have a lot of room here and actually more than before as I purged a fair bit of stuff to make room for S's.
S has said she'll be back on Wednesday to drop S18 off to work. Not sure if she'll be stopping by or picking up more stuff or not.
My biggest worry right now is what to get myself for Christmas. I've gotten pretty much everything for S26 and have ordered flowers for D28 and will probably see about getting them a zoo membership. There's very little that I need or even really want to bring in to the house. But it is nice to have a little something under the tree from Santa. One of the challenges is that most urban areas around here have gone back into zone red lockdown. One of the reasons I wanted to avoid S was the fact that she's been travelling back and forth across the province.
I could use a decent apron but most of the ones I would want aren't "Dad sized" and the ones that are aren't really suitable for my personality. I've asked S26 for a copy of the Betty Crocker cookbook - the main staple book here at the house which my ex-wife got from her parents and we carefully put the pages into a binder when it fell apart. I'm at a point where good recipes will outweigh bad memories.
I picked up S26 a "Charlie Brown Tree" from the craft shop in the next village. The owner was happy to see me and still pleased with her computer repair that I did. She mentioned in passing that her boyfriend has been helping her with her renovations and seems to live with his mother. So presumably she's just a very very friendly lady. She did say that she needs to get me hooked up - er - no. Hopefully S26 likes the tree. I'm going to give him the option of saying no. He's worried about his cats destroying it and hurting themselves. If he doesn't want it, I seem to have lots of room and can find a spot for it. I should be getting my own tree this Friday from my younger brother. He has some spruce he specifically planted as Christmas trees. It's really nice of him to let me have one of those.
Well - on with my day. It's a chilly and slightly snowy day here but winter has yet to sink her teeth into my part of the world.
I saw an apron in a catalog (? Vermont store?) that said “An Apron is Just a Cape on Backwards”
Oh you can find a man's size version of that apron on Apronmen dot com!
I'm at a point where good recipes will outweigh bad memories.
I too have noticed that I can face things, places and people now that I've previously avoided like the plague because they were so entwined with memories of XH. Occasionally they can still bring pain, but it's not too hard these days to put that aside. Going back to old favourites like that cookbook surely has to be a great measure of progress!
Just a wee bit of news.
S came by to drop off S18 and pick up her mail and check to see what's left. She seems to be doing ok. Currently in a dispute with her brother because he wants her to pay rent if she stays in the house. She said she'll probably be in there "for a few months" so that is perhaps settled for now at least. Obviously she would prefer to not pay rent.
Her current plan seems to be to stop in whenever she's passing by and pick up another load in her van. She did say that she may need to rent a truck to get some of it and I offered that if she had stuff she was planning on selling / donating / sending to the dump that I could assist. It sounds like her large storage unit is pretty full and can't take much more - I didn't specifically ask as how her stuff is dealt with after it leaves here is none of my concern.
S18 isn't sure when he's going to be gone from here for Christmas with his family. He'd like to take the rabbits with him and I've made it clear that I would like the cats to be gone. I did offer to feed the rabbits if he wants them to stay here while he is away. Still no plans that I have any awareness of on exactly where he's going to be living but the whole clan seems to run very seat-of-the-pants and expects things to just work out. And from every indication I've seen, that is exactly what seems to happen for them.
I still find it weird on how she just so quickly switched to the "just friends" attitude that I've seen her have with the younger kids' Dad. But then again, she perhaps has a lot of practice and is undoubtedly grateful that I'm not being a jerk about things.
In other news I'm being re-organized. I currently report to the COO who is getting a few new bodies and so I'm being shuffled to report to the guy who I essentially work for anyway making my role doing planning etc a bit more official. I currently make quite a bit more than what this role would normally pay so I'm assuming that there won't be any pay raises for quite a while. I doubt that they would try to cut my pay but then again, you never know. Even though I make mistakes / don't always do things the way that the boss wants me to I think they believe I'm doing a decent job of it. It's a role that is vague enough that I can certainly grow it in a number of ways and I do know that they are looking at adding on more responsiblity to me. Despite the hours and the fact that I normally am never really "off the clock" this should add a lot to my ability to do things outside work hours like volunteering and stuff around the house and such. I may even be able to get out sailing more as I will be driving right past a nice little lake that I've sailed on before.
So I'm looking at it as a positive.
I think Santa has also figured out what to give a particular bow-tie wearing single Dad for Christmas. I can't wait to find out. I'm trying very hard to be a good boy.
I offered that if she had stuff she was planning on selling / donating / sending to the dump that I could assist.
lol. If she was willing to get rid of stuff you wouldn't be in this spot in the first place.
I still find it weird on how she just so quickly switched to the "just friends" attitude that I've seen her have with the younger kids' Dad. But then again, she perhaps has a lot of practice
This -
lots of practice. This isn't her first rodeo nor the first time her hoarding has been a problem in a relationship. And truthfully, she might have found it annoying to be expected to act like an a responsible adult. It seems like she'd been semi-avoiding you for quite some time before the split, by staying up late and sleeping past noon. You might have seen more begging and pleading if she hadn't gotten an inheritance, but since she's (at least temporarily) financially independent, she's free to choose her "Precious" (in Gollum's voice) stuff over the difficult change that would have been required. She's probably reveling, at least for now, in the freedom to do what she wants (which isn't much) without judgment or expectation - just like a rebellious teen.
It's a disorganized, dysfunctional life, but she doesn't seem uncomfortable in it, nor likely to change. It's sad that she can't/won't seek help for her hoarding but it is what it is. Not your monkey not your circus.
I still find it weird on how she just so quickly switched to the "just friends" attitude that I've seen her have with the younger kids' Dad. But then again, she perhaps has a lot of practice and is undoubtedly grateful that I'm not being a jerk about things.
I don’t. I suspect that, deep down, she knew all along that you weren’t ‘in love’ with her. But more of a case of ‘she’ll do’.
I’m only saying this because that’s the impression you’ve given me. Where as with B, the impression was, you were in love with her, but I could be wrong, of course.
But S didn’t really care about that, because you provided a roof over their heads, even if “shabby” (what a blummin cheek) and copious takeaway meals. Oh and a storage facility.
All she had to do was perform every couple of weeks in the MBR.
If her dad hadn’t popped his clogs when he did, vacating his home and bank account, I think she’d be behaving very differently indeed.
the thing is, when something is forced, it doesn't usually work, period. nothing has a chance to take root and grow in an organic way, so the roots themselves are shallow, at best.
just my take.
I don’t. I suspect that, deep down, she knew all along that you weren’t ‘in love’ with her. But more of a case of ‘she’ll do’.
I’m only saying this because that’s the impression you’ve given me. Where as with B, the impression was, you were in love with her, but I could be wrong, of course.
Or you could be right. Mostly my own darned fault because I was mostly just going along with the flow rather than waiting to be "wowed". I could blame 26 years of an "adequate" marriage for a lack of expectations. Certainly a lesson learned.
the thing is, when something is forced, it doesn't usually work, period. nothing has a chance to take root and grow in an organic way, so the roots themselves are shallow, at best.
just my take.
Absolutely true. Even on a physical level S and her crew had a habit of forcing things. I recall seeing their fridge door propped closed with a chair because it wouldn't stay closed otherwise. A year ago where I was with S was telling her that I could not see a path from where we were to where we could be. We were at "A" and I wanted to be at "C" and had no plan. She assured me she had one - it seems that it was just forcing things to happen and I went along with it.
I think that things can grow quickly - but it requires a special combination of circumstances and nurturing which wasn't here. And the roots were indeed so shallow that when I pushed, the whole thing just fell over.
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Work has been an increasing set of challenges and I have soooo much to learn and complications to navigate.
I made the day of the lead hand who does the actual work that I plan. He came in on a weekend to unload a trailer and I joked that I owed him cookies. So I dropped a large tin of Christmas cookies on his desk with a thank-you note on them. He was very pleased - I don't think that anything like that has happened before for him. I personally find that little recognitions go a long long way. He's been a great help to me as he's being doing his job for probably 40 years or more and doesn't hesitate to tell me when I've done things wrong.
Now that I'm more "official" some of the dynamics are changing. The general manager of the plant is a big tough guy like you would expect. He's also pretty supportive but rather - ahem - direct. There have been several occasions when he's pushed me hard to get something done - often things that are technically someone else's job who isn't doing it. Tough to deal with. I have moderately thick skin but getting back into dealing with people like him more regularly is going to take some work. We'll need each other because it appears that my role will eventually be planning what he's going to make and ship and his role is to tell me that I'm full of bull-pucky and that what I'm asking for doesn't make sense.
It's going to be stressful and a lot of work and I'm looking forward to it.
On another note, I'm still seeing supply chain disruptions. We're having trouble getting trucks in and I'm seeing more independent truckers rather than the fleet guys who have been booked. I had 15 tonnes of product to go out yesterday and when the driver eventually show up he was having a lot of problems with his rig. It took him over 10 minutes to be able to back up to the dock and the yard is fairly big and open. And that was with the second person he had on board who was trying to guide him in. The tractor was pretty beat up looking as well and when he left he was waaay down on his shocks. Normally a rig that size should be able to handle about 30 tonnes without issue. I don't know where they found him but he certainly wasn't at the calibre of driver we would normally see.
I was talking to one of our regular drivers yesterday and he was saying that a lot of drivers are refusing loads that take them outside their local zones.
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S came by late yesterday. I was up in the office actually reading on here when she came in. I chose to not engage. I presume that her S18 let her in although she still has a key and I didn't hear the doorbell. I believe she was on her way from her D26's place to her Dad's place and picked up a load in her van. Not very much stuff left but her aloe plant did which is one less thing for me to worry about. I'm not sure if they have souls or not, but it is a living thing that I am no longer responsible for. The cats are both still here - I have my fingers crossed that at least one will be leaving before Christmas. I'm going to nudge S18 again for that.
I looked around and there wasn't a lot taken out this time but am not too worried about that at present. The most important thing is S18 finding a new place and I don't know as any real work has been done on that but since it's not something I'm involved in I don't know.
I have 2 weeks of vacation booked in mid-February and intend on giving the house a good clean and smudged and whatever. I also hope to get some renovating done which will be much easier. I think S never understood that it was difficult working in S13's room with it packed full of stuff that was just laying "everywhere".
She did give me a brief update before she left on what she took. There still is the inner urge to be sweet and give her a hug but it's fairly easy to avoid. Re-opening that door is a truly bad idea.
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Going out shortly to pick up my Christmas tree from my youngest brother's farm. I'm grateful to him for letting me have one.
A year ago where I was with S was telling her that I could not see a path from where we were to where we could be. We were at "A" and I wanted to be at "C" and had no plan. She assured me she had one - it seems that it was just forcing things to happen and I went along with it.
So Andrew in the future when you prematurely cohabitate lol why don't as the man in the relationship you take the lead?
Happy Sunday all. Only a few more days until Christmas - I'm trying my best to not be naughty.
I was able to pick up my Christmas tree on Friday from my youngest brother. It turns out that he had a number of spruce trees next to his driving shed that he wanted to thin out so it was all good. We spotted one that was about 24' tall - a "touch" to tall for my living room - that had a nice top so he brought it down and lopped it off at about 10'. When I got it home I trimmed it back to about 7'. It looks nice and I'm grateful to him.
They are anti-masker sorts but didn't seem to have an issue now with the fact that I was wearing my even considering that we were outside and at a distance. My young nephew (4) though was very upset and wouldn't talk to me until I took my mask off and then - from a distance and inside this big shed he was then happier and explained to "Uncle Andy" on how he was busy fixing his tractor. He has his own work bench and had his tractor all apart and was having a lot of fun. Sad in some ways that he's picked up those attitudes from his parents.
While I was there my sister-in-law gave me some sage and instructions on how to burn it so I may do that today while I have a soak in the tub.
I had a nice brunch with my S26 today - he was actually over in my part of the world so I made a reservation at the local coffee shop we used to have breakfast at and we had a nice visit. He's been keeping pretty isolated as well but was "in town" to do some of his Christmas shopping.
We talked about Christmas plans and I said that my hope was that he would come by early afternoon, we could do the gift exchange including with the Seattle family members, have some roast duck and pie. My daughter thinks that this should work for them as well. From the vagueness and confusion from my son, I'm presuming that his mother hasn't told him of any plans but then she's got a "lot" more complicated deal going on as OM has at least 3 kids and assorted grand-kids. Although given current COVID circumstances there's no way to know if they are all staying separate or not. OM is probably getting close to 70 at this point I think so I would assume is high risk. Seems really really weird to write that. Gives me hope that when I get to 70 that I'll still be interested in poontang
And 10 years ago I would have been surprised if it lasted past 50.
I have pretty much all my presents present and wrapped. I did notice a strong scent of dog urine still in the carpet. Sigh - it's probably going to have to get tossed. I also noticed that some small folding tables that I had appear to have left the building. Sigh again. I'm not worried about them enough to ask for S to bring them back. They would have been taken in her last run through. I still have one so it's all good but still - grumble.
Not much else going on. Pork chops for dinner tonight. I've been slowly going through the fridge, freezer and pantry and segregating the things that are obviously S's. I'm going to continue slowly packing up, cleaning and organizing. While I'm not quite to the "your walls will sing" stage, they are at least humming a merry tune. When I can get the cats, bunnies and S18 out then I can ramp up. S18 will probably be picked up by his sister on Wednesday evening or Thursday morning. I asked if the cats would be going too and he said yes but we'll see if that happens. His sister has a toddler, a German Shepard and husband and a small car that will probably be very full already. If his mother gets him then that's different.
Ah well - time to run the water for my tub.
Stressed out. We're going back into lockdown as of Boxing Day. Not unexpected and very good public policy.
I will admit that S's comments on hoarding food struck me as she wanted to have 2 months worth of food in the house. Thinking it through, I probably have over a month's worth here although it would get fairly repetitive and protein based. I am a bit worried because I have no haggis and Robbie Burns Day is coming up next month.
I'm not planning on going into the plant between now and the New Year anyway but talking to my boss today the implication seemed to be that he's going to go back to zero people in the office until spring.
I had to reshuffle the plant's schedule for the first time because I had a load postponed because the driver is sick with Covid. It meant that another run of product had to be cancelled because that supplier couldn't go with the alternate date and is lower priority. My lead hand is off starting on Christmas Eve until the New Year so I won't have nearly so much to do. I have I think 3 loads to get out - about 75 tonnes of a product I've only scheduled once before. It's a tricky process for this product - things have to be done in the right order other wise "bad things" happen but the guys who are going to do the actual work have been well prepared.
As far as the lockdown goes, I'll be fine. I'll double check with my son to be see if he's comfortable coming to Christmas dinner. He doesn't socialize outside of work and not really in there either although a couple of the guys on his shift are off pending test results. If he doesn't get here, then he doesn't. In lieu of a Christmas party his employer gave him a turkey which he's looking forward to trying to cook himself. He's never done that before. I would like to think that given that he's had a front row seat to my own culinary experimentation that he probably has little fear of trying new things.
For here I have my usual duck and side dishes all ready to go. I did find frozen bread dough - something I remember from my youth that my mother would have. I didn't think it existed commercially any more. I tried a loaf the other day and it turned out fairly well other than it didn't rise as well as I hoped. The instructions say to "let rise in a warm place" and in my house there are no warm places as I keep the thermostat low.
A bit of residual stress as well because I had an "almost" plumbing emergency. The tap on the upstairs tub has been weeping for some years and I noticed a drip from it this morning. Looking more closely the housing itself was cracked. I had vague memories of the local hardware store still carrying the exact same tap I had installed by a plumber 20+ years ago and sure enough they had 1. I spent some time on an extended lunch and replaced it. Easy peasy although it took some time, patience and a BFW. I was stressed in part because those sort of repairs can quickly get out of hand and I've learned to not do them when the hardware store (or local plumber) is closed.
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In other news, the tidying continues. It seems that on her last trip through that S took the tea trays / folding side tables that I had - she maybe thought they were her's. I'm not too worried about it but am annoyed. Not annoyed enough to ask for them back though. I have probably 90% of S's stuff out of the dining room now and hope to reclaim it soon. There's no rush to get a new dining room table. I was talking to the kids and they both agree that this is an ideal time to re-imagine how I use the house. Having a formal dining room is nice though. I've not really been able to use it since the summer time. S and her kids managed to re-stack the "stuff" that was packed in there so we did have a couple of meals in that room but it never was what I considered usable once her stuff started coming in and piling up. I know that I can get a replacement table fairly cheap - used furniture is astoundingly inexpensive if you are patient and flexible.
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I talked to S's S18 when I drove him in to work at lunch. He's being picked up by his oldest sister on Wednesday after work and expects to take both cats and all three rabbits with him to his Mom's place. While I'm all in favour of this, they will already have 2 adults, a toddler, presents, luggage and a German Shepard in a rather small car. I'm tempted to reach out to his sister and check but no - not my job to figure these things out. I asked how it was going with him to get signed up for his program and reminded him that he needs to get everything sorted out by the end of January. I felt bad about putting that on the kid and part of me wanted to offer an extension - but now. He's 18. He has parents and other family.
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I have one last present to deal with then I'm done. I picked up some picture frames for my son - who has a completely undecorated apartment. In one small one I'm going to put a picture of him and his sister and am still trying to decide on the other. I had thought it would be nice to have all 4 of his grandparents in it but the good pictures I had of his mother's parents were deleted when I did a purge. I know my daughter has a copy but don't want to ask for them. I do have some neat pictures of his great-grandparents on my side that I may pick one of.
Feel a bit better having written. Time to get the mail and figure out dinner.
It's times like these that I miss having a partner. Even though she wasn't as good at it as she might have been, my ex could generally be counted on to have my back and just knowing that there was someone else there was always reassuring. Now - the buck stops here. And I've noticed that I'm missing having next to me when I wake up. I did dust off my old POF free account - a lot of faces that I recognize - nobody to date. I have quite a ways to go before I even consider the possibility again and have purposefully put no timeline on it beyond knowing that I won't even consider it until spring and all of the stuff related to S is completely sorted out AND that I've had some "me" time.
4 more sleeps and Santa will be here!
NO NO NO it’s not your problem. Let them figure out how to move the critters. As long as they are out from under your roof you are one step closer to your freedom - well freed9m from S anyhow. Now it’s freedom from the government we need. You still have work to do on reprogramming those auto responses you have to want to help.
As for more with the lockdowns, it’s getting towards insanity. We’ve been trying this for 9 months now with poor results. That’s in part because everyone has to be somewhere. Unless we figure out a way that every person on the planet can lock themselves in their homes and have zero contact with anyone from outside, people are going to share germs. Masks may help slightly but that’s the best you can hope for. Thinking a mask will eradicate a virus is foolish. Murder rates in many of the largest cities have hit all time highs. More and more small business are filing for bankruptcy daily. I just interviewed a psychiatrist and mental health services who just can’t keep up with the demand for services. We finally have a vaccine and they want to lock more down. Hospitalizations for covid in my state on thanksgiving were at 2,250 - the highest they have ever been. Much higher than after the first round of lockdowns, the highest after mask mandates, the highest after all the government attempts. Right there that should tell people something. Oh but wait, we were told a big thanksgiving wave was going to happen to the 2,250 already hospitalized. 7 days after thanksgiving we were at 1,800 hospitalizations. 14 days post thanksgiving it was down to 1,550. And now it’s slightly over 1,200. So much for the thanksgiving wave. They were WRONG AGAIN. Shocker. As was famously said, government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem. Truer words have never been spoken. Thinking government can fix this is beyond foolish - other than creating something like operation warp speed which facilitated and spurred the private sector to come up with a vaccine in record time. Even with around half a million in the US already receiving the first round of vaccine, some government officials want to keep their foot on our throats for another year. Do what you think is best for your family. None of us are guaranteed next year, covid not withstanding.
The instructions say to "let rise in a warm place" and in my house there are no warm places as I keep the thermostat low.
To ways to do this:
One is to put the pan up high, like on top of the refrigerator, where the air is warmer.
Two - you can put the pan in a closed space, like a cold oven or unused microwave - it'll heat up a little from the action of the yeast generating a little heat.
I used to use those frozen bread loaves when my kids were little, they are pretty good. I also used to have a bread machine which was the bomb - put your ingredients in at night, wake up to a freshly baked loaf in the morning. (Oh, for the days when I could eat gluten.)
Well crap.
The younger of the two cats just died today. The 4 year old male. S's S18 is incredibly broken up about it. The cat was poorly yesterday and overnight S18 was up with him and then on the phone to his mother and the vet. We rushed him in first thing we could and they diagnosed a blocked urinary tract - common for male cats of his age. When I picked him up from work at 4:00 the news was that the cat was doing better but would be staying at the vet until after Christmas. Shortly after we got home the news came in that the cat died when they tried to put him under. I found out when I heard the boy crying loudly in his room. I went in and sat with him a bit, told him that he had done everything possible and got him a box of tissues and a big hug. The cat had been pretty sick a while ago with constipation and some issues with his paws so was perhaps not as strong as he might be. He also lived on the streets for quite a while when he escaped from their apartment so that maybe hurt his strength too.
S18 is I think hurt most because he was told just minutes before that the cat would be ok. And he just can't understand why this happened. I made sure to tell him again that he did all the right things.
His mother messaged me a minute or so later to let me know about the cat and I assured her that I would keep an eye on S18 and that I had told him that his bunnies and family need him and that he would need to get some food into himself later. I popped into town and picked up some paczki at the grocery store which he really likes and some easy to prepare convenience food. He's getting some sleep right now which is undoubtedly the absolute best thing for him. The other cat is in there with him as are his bunnies.
I also made sure to tell S how well I thought S18 has done through this crisis.
It's just been one heck of a year for S and the boys. I'm somewhat surprised that she's not coming up here to be with him and support him, but then again not. It also has unfortunately crossed my mind that S isn't always truthful and the potential vet bill was estimated to be well over $1,500. I've known her to lie when it smooths the path out from in front of her - one of the things that really really bothered me. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.
S18 will be being picked up by his sister tomorrow evening and then be able to spend a few days with family. A last Christmas in his grandfather's house.
There's honestly nothing I can do to "make things better" and I do know that I didn't cause these problems but have done what I can to help. Even if we were still a "family" it would have made zero difference. It was me that noticed the cat being ill earlier and dealt with that when nobody else seemed to care. And I made sure to let S18 know that I was concerned about the cat again yesterday. I never even liked the cat but as I told S18 previously - he was one of the souls under my roof so he gets taken care of.
It's going to be good to have 2020 behind me and I'm sure I speak for a lot of people.
2020 is the worst! Just got off the phone with a patient who had a DVT blood clot in her ARM of all places!!! WTF?
I suppose it IS possible that the cat died when they tried to put it under - adverse reactions to anesthesia can occur. Bless you for going out of your way to make sure there was something to entice the boy to eat.
That’s so sad and it sounds like it was pretty difficult for S18 and if it wasn’t for you, there would be no support for him. That’s really sad.
I have to say this, but in all
Good humor and somewhat in jest. I’ll never forget the time you said S is more maternal than I. I haven’t seen this woman be an ounce maternal in the time you have known her and from what you describe. I find that sad. And I am happy I can be that maternal
Comfort zone for my daughter. She’s 13 and when she wakes up, the first thinks she still Yells is “MOOOMMMM” and she wants me to come lay in bed with her and snuggle with her before she gets up. It doesn’t sound as if S given this kind of affection to her kids at all and that is so very sad.
Andrew,
I am so sorry that the cat died. I know that the cat had been sick for quite some time. In fact, he may have been getting ill about the time he moved in. If I recall, he's the one that was mean to Liz and Amy. However, I find it odd that the office had told S18 that the cat was doing okay and would be staying there until after Christmas. I will try to give S the benefit of the doubt, but I wouldn't be surprised that she told them to put him to sleep because of his health condition and more importantly the bill.
I hate to say this...but the woman doesn't have one ounce of maternal instinct for her sons or her pets. From what you've posted about her over the last year, I have gotten the impression that she has more maternal instinct for her daughters. I feel so bad for S18. He's lost one of his pets and that he really did step up to the plate to help and then be told just before the holiday that the poor cat didn't make it. I know we don't have any control over when a person or a pet dies, but S could take some time out of her "busy" schedule and provide some motherly support to her son. I pray that she will be there for him in the days to come.
Andrew, you truly stepped up to the plate to help S18 and provided the support he needed yesterday after he lost his pet. I'm glad he was there with you and you were able to help him. He needs to know that someone understood and supported him emotionally while he began the grieving process for his pet.
Andrew,
It’s been a while since you mentioned how many more monthly payments you need to make to XW. Are you nearing the end? Do you have plans for the extra $$ when these are done?
Taz
Calm before the storm. Currently it's well above freezing and has been for a couple of days. Today it's supposed to start raining then change over to snow with heavy and blowing snow through Christmas morning. I do hope that Rudolph's nose is working properly. I delayed putting the garbage out for pickup until this morning so that it hopefully doesn't blow all over the neighbourhood.
I wasn't able to get a proper pork pie but will be heating up a tourtiere and I will have my glass of sherry before bed while the stockings get stocked. A Christmas Carol with Alistair Simms (the "only" good version) is on the agenda too. I may watch it on my tablet while soaking in the tub before bed. Ah - the single life ...
I've not gotten confirmation from S26 that he'll be here but knowing him, that means that there is no information to share and that he will be planning on it. We get lake effect snow here in the lee of Lake Huron and he lives higher up and farther in than I do so they usually get hit a bit harder in these sort of storms. If he doesn't come we can adjust although the storm is supposed to be more or less done by early afternoon. I've suggested he come by around 3:00 pm and then we can call his sister in Seattle around lunch-time there. So that means a nice slow start to the day. I can prep some of the dinner and make the pie (really looking forward to that) in the morning and have the duck popped into the oven just before he comes. The plan is that we'll eat mid-afternoon shortly after presents. I don't know what plans he may have with his mother but that's not my issue. I'll try to get the spare room into a state where he can crash there if he needs to because of weather.
Christmas certainly has snuck up on me - for some reason I went to bed last night thinking that I still had a few days. I did shift my duck this morning from the refrigerator to the laundry room which is quite cool to finish thawing. I'm going to pull out a loaf of the frozen bread dough to thaw overnight tonight. The menu is roast duck, turnip, mashed potatoes with duck gravy, broccoli and cauliflower with cheese sauce, fresh bread and rhubarb / black currant pie for desert. And no - I'm not going to post any pictures this year with the caption of "I need more people to feed"
It was nice to not have to rush my morning to get to my desk. The part of the plant I schedule for is "closed" until the New Year. Still have lots to do, just don't have to get most of it done before 7:55 am. I believe that this is technically a 1/2 day as well so whether I work half as hard for the whole day or call it quits at lunch is a toss-up right now. Depends on how it goes. These posts are a nice filler that I start early in the morning and then edit and amend when I need to take a break from the numbers and emails. I also think slowly so taking my time to write is how I roll. I will often joke that I also tend to talk slowly and with pauses because I like to chew my words before I let them out because I may have to eat them and want to be sure they taste good
I'm working through some challenges with work and personality conflicts with the Operations manager. I have challenges with gruff aggressive people although I do know that he is focused on things being done well and he's told me more than once that he thinks I'm doing a good job. But he's also quick and blunt on pointing out when he thinks I've done something wrong (he's usually right) and has more than once challenged me aggressively to do better and do more. I don't do well with confrontational people and just keep telling myself that he's looking for the best interests of the entire team and he's effective at it. He also notices when I do things right as well as wrong, I like him as a person and he's the right sort of person for the job he has. Just different being more immersed in the production side of the business rather than the administrative.
I'm expecting that I'll start doing the planning for raw materials and scheduling of one of the product lines where we have tight supply issues. We have 3 tanks we use for it but they are smaller and we sometimes have more demand than we have supply. I saw a note a while ago too that indicates that I need to watch tank levels carefully when shipping to ensure that there is minimal turbidity. It's a bit of a tight-rope walk making sure that the truck loads of raw material come in with the right timing to balance the railcars and tankers of finished goods going out. And you add on top of that issues with logistics and production - one truck broken down on the side of the road can throw the whole thing into chaos as can a blower fan that's acting up. Things you can't plan for nor control for but have to deal with in the moment. It will be challenging and interesting. If I can get a handle on that which will probably take the better part of a year, then the other products will probably be added. They're simpler as we have bigger tanks and less raw materials going into them.
If you think I'm boring here, just watch the expression of anyone who asks me about what I do as I start getting into the details of the chemistry involved
I like to think that I'm one of "those people" who can get really engaged in any task facing him regardless of whether it's work or personal. Perhaps an Asperger's trait, perhaps just me being me. Right now I'm following the bouncing ball of two large truckloads being delivered to a customer in Eastern Quebec and glad that I'm not involved. The driver first showed up after hours and there was nobody to unload him. Now we have two trucks en-route and nobody's sure that their tanks will be able to take that much product at once .... aaaannd I just heard that the customer has just entered emergency shut-down. Glad that I'm only an observer. The guy who currently does the job that I think I'll end up with is the company president who has been doing this for 30+ years. It has been suggested that I'll be replacing him in that role as well but that would be at least a few years down the road and I'm not looking that far ahead. Even though he's only 6 months older than I am, he's probably in a position to be able to retire whenever he wants where I've made it clear that I'm intending on working until 72 which is when my pensions etc are maximized.
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I have lots of cleaning that I want to get to before Christmas. I braved going into S's S18's room yesterday evening and collected probably well over 100 empty and partly empty cans of pop. Some of them when I poured them out had slime in them. Ewwww. His room is beyond horrible and because of the rabbits also smells really bad. There's quite a bit of trash in there as well but it's hard for me to decide what is and isn't garbage so I'm just going to leave it. I did have a quick look and there's nothing that seems badly damaged. I moved the rabbit hutch out and the floor under it is ok - something I was worried about. Unfortunately I have to keep the door open as the remaining cat wanders in and out and insists on sleeping on S18's bed. Just a few more weeks of this ....
S's S18 didn't go in to work yesterday. Reasonable given the circumstances. He was ok all things considered and has accepted that his cat has passed on. I'm not too worried about him as far as that goes now.
He told me in the early afternoon that his younger sister's boyfriend was going to drive up to pick him up and was on his way. 2 hours later - still not here and he was waiting for them watching out the living room window with his bunnies packed up (the other cat was left). 2 hours after that I am heading out and he said that he was told they were almost here. When I got home an hour and a half later he was picked up. Ah - he's back in the land of people never being on time nor accountable. He seemed pretty frustrated by it. He spent several hours just sitting in the living room staring out the window waiting.
Neither his sister nor her boyfriend have worked since early spring - they apparently are living down with S in her Dad's old house although I also heard that they are also still spending time living at her former partner's house. This is part of what I found unacceptable that this family has such an attitude of and acceptance of entitlement. If things had continued I would undoubtedly have been expected to enable this. S18 and his oldest sister are the best of the lot but they are also the ones that all of the others expect to do things for them. I think that one of the big things that S18 likes about being here is that he really only has to look after himself and isn't at the beck and call of everyone else to lift this, or clean that which is his life with his mother. She has a bad back doncha know.
I do believe that the kids drove S's large van up - I think I saw it coming in to the village as I was leaving. I was annoyed but unsurprised when I got home to see that the sheers in the window on the door had been shoved to one side and that the toilet seat was jammed half-off (it's removable). Just a lack of care and respect for things. Fortunately nothing broken. Annoyingly, nothing taken with them. But that would have required effort. The rabbits went because S18 needs them to support him during anxious times. I had hoped that the cat would have gone too - but that would have put the onus on them to now take care of her. She's going to have to go soon though. I expect that S's plan is that she stays with S18 wherever he ends up. I don't think she's ever cleaned up after the cats and it was incredibly rare that she did for the dog.
I'm glad that the boy seems to be coping. I continue to worry that he will be left in the lurch when the time comes for him to move out. The clock is ticking. I've been more than generous. Personally I think he'll end up back in with his mother at least for a while. S18 told me that the paperwork for his government support program is moving but very very slowly. But even if that goes through finding housing for him and 4 pets isn't going to be easy.
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One of the reasons other than to stock up on Christmas Cheer to head out yesterday afternoon was that my barber was able to fit me in before we go on lockdown later this week. It was one of the faster haircuts I've had as he was under instructions from his wife that he had to pick up some parcels an hour away before the shops closed.
I think one of the reasons he wanted me in was to catch up on my story and the gossip. He cut the hair of S's former boyfriend and knew some things that perhaps in hindsight he could have warned me about but they were coloured by the fact that the guy was by all accounts quite the jerk. He was one of the few people that I believe S actually dumped and it wasn't pretty. He is a hard drinker and pretty irresponsible and according to S's narrative he kind of just pushed his way into her life. She believed in his potential for a while - he inherited the family farm which was uninhabitable but "fixable", has a good job. Hmmmm - familiar narrative? He currently lives in rooms over the local strip bar and having met him once he looks and acts like the kind of guy who lives over a strip bar. No wonder S was so keen on dating me
Assuming that she dates again which I think is a given if she stays in the city where her Dad lived she'll at least have a larger pool of targets.
Anyhoo - after checking to see how offended I would be, my barber offered to vet any potential future dates before things could get serious. He sees a lot of heads under his scissors, there are only so many available women in the area and he hears a "lot" of stories. I said "sure". Hey - any way to prevent future mistakes I'm going to consider.
It's getting a bit scary out there. The next village over had a few cases of COVID that appear in the elementary school to have been community spread. These kids are bussed in from a pretty wide area so the chances are that there are going to be quite a few more sick people around here soon. I'm going to increase my precautions when going grocery shopping for sure. The flower shop may be going to curbside pickup I think. I know that the local shop that cater to tourists and such are hurting really really badly. I may pop out shortly to see if the one around the corner is still open - she was posting yesterday about discounting product to get it sold.
Well - the Christmas snow has started. Not much as yet and it's not sticking to the ground as of yet.
Merry Christmas to all my friends here and best wishes for a healthy and happy New Year.
Andrew,
It’s been a while since you mentioned how many more monthly payments you need to make to XW. Are you nearing the end? Do you have plans for the extra $$ when these are done?
Taz
The last payment was number 38 of 77 so I have a bit over 3 years more to go in paying off my ex. Surprisingly because of the tax bracket I'm in I actually get quite a bit back in taxes so the net effect isn't as big as it might seem. I'll probably sock most of the money into retirement savings. At least that's been the plan.
If you think I'm boring here, just watch the expression of anyone who asks me about what I do as I start getting into the details of the chemistry involved
Lol. Reminds me of when I was in grad school. If a guy hit on me at a party and I was interested, I’d answer his question of “what do you do?” with “I’m a student”. If I WASN’T interested, I’d say “I study fatty acid metabolism regulatory genes in E. Coli” and they’d be out of my hair faster than you could say “Bob’s your uncle”. Worked every time.
I love the idea of using the barber to screen your dates. They know everybody’s secrets.
Merry Christmas all from snowy Upper Middle Lower Kanukisan!
Feeling a bit lost and angsty today but I suppose that's not a big surprise. So I figured I'd come here and ramble on and write a bit.
I read back to Christmas 2018 and boy have I come a long way since then. Back then I was very wrapped up in what my ex-wife was up to. I was sitting here in the office though and did notice what appeared to be OM's truck driving slowly past the house earlier. Probably my imagination though. He has a pretty generic truck so it could have been anyone and I'm on the main street.
I've made the pie - rhubarb and black currant. I was annoyed because it seems that S took all the white sugar with her so I substituted brown. Hopefully it will turn out ok. I added a bit more flour than called for too as I know this pie to be juicy - in fact a bit sloshed out when I pulled it out of the oven. Hopefully it's ok. It's been a loooong time since I made a pie. I just pulled the loaf of bread from the frozen dough out of the oven and putting it in the microwave (off) to rise seemed to have helped - thanks kml.
The duck just went into the oven - 2 hours covered and then 1/2 hour uncovered so everything should be ready around 3:30 or so. I have the vegetables mostly prepped. As a friend of mine joked a few years ago - I could make someone a nice little wife some day
DnJ's post got me thinking earlier. I can honestly say that I'm in a position where I don't miss my ex-wife. I don't miss S either - but that's not a surprise. I logged on to POF recently - my old login is still working it seems. A lot of familiar faces including it turns out my next door neighbour. I can't say that I'm interested though and looking at all the people out there with various levels of desperation and hope was rather a turn-off. I've been putting some thought into what sort of person I would allow into my life and the bar is pretty high right now. It probably should have been that way all along but I suppose that was something I had to learn.
As far as my ex-wife goes I am presuming that she's built herself a comfortable new life with OM. Probably has blocked all the memories of how that relationship came about - she always was good at believing her own narrative. Even though I thoroughly bought into the whole MLC narrative and believed that she was "ill" - I no longer believe that to be the case with her. Certainly some here have former spouses who do seem to be more than a few nachos short of a combination plate but I think that I used my own narrative explain what was to me at the time inexplicable.
I have no expectation that she'll "come out of the tunnel / fog / whatever". She probably has emerged from her own path to her own life. One where perhaps I'm a distant memory. We had a good run and were both I like to believe generally happy. I doubt that demons gnaw on her entrails in the night with regrets other than perhaps of the future she lost. My impression is that her situation isn't nearly as comfortable as it would have been if we'd stayed a couple.
For me - I have a lot of rebuilding and renewal yet to do. I'm behind where I started the year. Mentally, physically and financially. I do hope that I'm smarter.
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I popped into the craft shop around the corner yesterday to pick up a "spoil me" thing. At one point I considered dating the shop owner. She's a nice lady. A bit intense and it turns out anti-vax and anti-mask although she seemed fine when I told her that I didn't agree. She was wearing a mask and following all the protocols. She's pretty worried about the lock-down and how her shop will survive but she's a fighter. She did ask me about "the redhead" and was a bit surprised when I said that we'd split. I believe she has a fellow in her life - she'd mentioned it in the summer - no clue. And none of my concern.
The body wash and moisturizing cream I got was lovely and I had a nice soak in the tub. SIL2 had given me some sage and I had that burning while I soaked and watched a Christmas movie (Rudolf) on my tablet.
Overindulged a bit on the Christmas Eve sherry. I had a tourtiere rather than pork pie with it. The stockings were all filled and are waiting for S26 to come by. I'm grateful that I have my kids available to me even if it's just for a short while and also distant in the case of my daughter. I slept in - missed having someone to cuddle up to when I woke up. It was nice to wake up to Christmas snow. It was supposed to storm but it didn't. Just some steady snowfall which looks pretty. Shortly I need to go out and shovel out the driveway. I may fire up the snow-blower for the task although there's only a few inches.
blah de blah de blah - really nothing profound at all. Except - Merry Christmas everyone!
Merry Christmas ! I hope that your son pops around and stays a bit.
We were not suppose to have snow today, but my little area had snow flurries for a bit. When I drove to my mother's home (5 miles) south of me, the lawns and trees are covered with snow and it was a perfect Christmas card effect. The last time we had snow on Christmas was in 2002. A pleasant surprise for all who saw snow today.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Merry Christmas Andrew!
(No, do not date the anti- vaxxer!)
I know it’s nice to have someone there - but not when the price is too high! You definitely need to set the bar higher next time.
If it weren’t pandemic times, this is when I’d be encouraging you to strengthen your friend activities. That should definitely be a goal in the future. You’d be great at hosting something regular like a game night.
Hope you had a nice dinner with your son and are relaxing now. Merry Christmas!
For what my opinion is worth.....
I think you shouldn’t even be thinking about dating for the foreseeable. I think you were on the ‘rebound’ when you met S.
Your W and my H both left us at about the same time in March 2016. And if I remember correctly you started talking about dating again in June of that year. It hadn’t even crossed my mind!
Is it a man thing? I don’t know....maybe. I also remember, when you went to Madrid for a week, you packed condoms. Just in case.
Please Andrew, can you just learn to enjoy your own company for a few months and not look at the women around you as potential life partners?.
Stop looking. Eventually, and it may take a year or two. Maybe one will come along.
And maybe not. But you will be happy in your own skin and not putting unconscious pressure on a woman to be the perfect partner.
I agree that you should set that bar higher. But fgs take your time and enjoy your own company, in the meantime.
Thanks job, kml and Westo.
S26 showed up about 2 hours later than expected. His sister and brother in law were ok with waiting for the traditional video chat. I did get rather worried as time passed with bad weather and no word. He ended up noticing that I tried to call him and called back letting me know that he was an hour away.
I ended up putting the duck back into the oven to warm up while I made the side dishes. Skipped doing vegetables and cheese sauce. We had lots and lots of food as it was.
The pie turned out very nice. The substitution of brown sugar for refined sugar may be something that I keep. Happy accident as it were.
I had a good Christmas. When we got my daughter and her husband on video chat we opened presents and visited a bit. For their presents I had sent them flowers a couple of days ago and then emailed them their membership to the zoo during the chat. A bit less personal than opening wrapping and such but needs must. They have a parcel that is stuck in the mail somewhere in California that is supposed to be coming up here.
The reason my son was late was that he had to go out and get wrapping paper. He got me a very cool book called Snack Tunes that I will need to spend some time with. It's recipes combined with play lists to listen to while doing them. A very very thoughtful gift. He also had a phantom gift of a day at the Stratford Festival for us - something he knows that I quite enjoy and the last time we went together to see Treasure Island we had a great time. I really appreciated that he put some hard thought into what to get. For me gifts are more about the thoughtfulness and not the quantity.
He seemed to quite like the presents I got for him and his cats. I gave him two framed pictures as a bit of decor for his otherwise bare apartment. He really liked the one which was a print of a sketch done by a former baby-sitter of our living room probably about 20 years ago. The other one was a picture of him and his sister with big smiles on their faces. I also included a number of alternative pictures in case he wanted to swap them around. I'd also gotten him some kitchen things as he didn't take a lot with him and has said that he is finding himself constrained on what he can cook. There were a good number of presents under the tree including a few from Santa to me. I got a new meatloaf pan and an apron. Technically it's a carpenter's apron but there's no reason I can't use it in the kitchen. It's canvas and certainly robust enough for the task.
I sent him home with some lemon pie mix - I didn't know it was his favourite. Where he works he was given a quantity of ice-cream sugar cones and I'd thought that he could perhaps turn those into a graham cracker crust - he's going to give it a try. He now has some nice glass pie plates for that experiment.
After presents we adjourned back to the kitchen and he helped with dinner carving the duck and also helping a bit with the gravy. The first time he's attempted something like that. We enjoyed dinner and pie. I had some wine and he had none as he didn't want to have anything to drink and then drive home in the still snowy weather. We just sat and talked for a few hours through and after dinner. It was really nice. I think one thing he likes is that we talk openly about some of the mental health challenges we have with depression and anxiety and the different coping mechanisms we are trying. Certainly not a conversation we could have had a few years ago. I really like how our relationship is adapting over time.
He left around 7:30 or so after sweeping about 4" of fresh snow off his car. He forgot one of his gifts here so will be stopping by today as I believe he's having Christmas with his mother today and she lives about 10 minutes away. He refused leftovers saying that he expects to be burdened down with them today. There was nothing here from his sister so perhaps she sent that to his mother - or it could be in the parcel stuck in the mail. I hope he makes it without issue. The snow has really picked up again. I cleared another 8" out of the driveway this morning so that he could get in if he stops by.
I debated passing on a Merry Christmas to his mother but chose not to. She's not anyone who I would consider a friend and while I'm to the point where I can think about the past fondly that dark spot where she destroyed our family is still an insurmountable gulf to having any sort of relationship.
Having just the kitchen has made it plain to me that I quite like having the separate formal dining room. For a variety of reasons including a lack of space I chose to serve from the cooking containers rather than separate serving dishes.
My son didn't care but it annoyed me a bit as I like to make a formal dinner a bit of a performance.
I'm going to start keeping my eyes open for a nice dining room set which I can probably get for cheap. Looking back the living room rug as $350 as a bound remnant. I still am gob-smacked by how quickly and thoroughly S and her crew trashed this place. I can only hope that they are taking better care of her Dad's place which since it is to be sold I have hopes on on her behalf. I know that S and her kids are capable of taking care of a home - they just chose not to here.
I've also taken the measurements for the rugs that need to be replaced and will send those off to a couple of local places. There are often good sized remnants available
We're now on lockdown again for 4 weeks. I had been wondering about going into town. There is a small amount of groceries that I can use but nothing that I truly need. I've also decided that I'm going to replace the two small appliances that belong to S that are still on my counter. She said that she had my old ones in storage and was going to bring them back but those were pretty well due for replacement anyway. I think I can order online for curb-side pickup. The plan is to try to minimize my trips out of the house and the number of places that I go to. There's really nothing that I need badly enough to venture out for today. I'm going to have a quiet day - make broth from the duck bones and possibly pull everything out of the cupboards and re-organize them. There's a lot of stuff just shoved in here and there to keep it separate during S's move out that can now be better placed.
Well - my tea pot is empty. Time to start the puttering and taking care of laundry. I may have a soak in the tub later.
I know that S and her kids are capable of taking care of a home - they just chose not to here.
What possible evidence do you have that this is true?
Sounds like you had a nice Xmas with your son. His gifts sound great. Antiques are quite reasonable these days, you might consider looking for a used or antique dining table.
I know that S and her kids are capable of taking care of a home - they just chose not to here.
What possible evidence do you have that this is true?
She is more than capable, she just chooses not to and uses her bad back as an excuse. Yes, she has a bad back but that is her generic excuse for everything. She seems to manage just fine when she needs to. I know she can clean and cook, she presumably kept her Dad's house as neat as a new pin when she was looking after him after his heart attack a couple of years ago. And she had lots of stories about how much of a particular person her former partner was - how he'd leave notes and complain and swear loudly if people's shoes weren't lined up properly. So I'm assuming she was a model housewife for the couple of years they were actually together. Her reasons for leaving the relationship were that he was a gambler, a lier and often would just dissapear without warning or explanation on a regular basis for hours and hours.
In some ways she's like a teenager - capable but irresponsible. It's the capable that I took note of. It was interesting that my son made the same excuses / comments about her that I did. That she's been a Mom and more or less a single Mom for nearly 30 years with no end in sight for at least another 5 or 6. It's no surprise that she's tired of it.
The more time and perspective I get, the more I see clearly how she pushed her way in and then settled in for a life of comfort and ease with a functional adult to do all the effort for her. The definition of what I consider a "taker" personality. I did a quick google and it's actually a thing. I did a quick test and it's surprising / not how many of the scenarios posited actually are things I had to deal with with S. I scored a 79 on the scale between giver and taker.
His gifts sound great. Antiques are quite reasonable these days, you might consider looking for a used or antique dining table.
The plan right now is to find a new kitchen table after we get out of lockdown and move the folding table into the dining room. It looks fine with a tablecloth on it. Then keep my eyes open for a new dining room set. What I had was old, beat up and mis-matched when I got it 30+ years ago. It was surplused from my mother's junk store. It did well for all those years.
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S's S18 came "home" last night while I was in the tub. I checked and his mother was wandering around the house. No real details other than S18 needs to be in to work today for 10. She did get him to load numerous boxes from the front porch into her van so we're down to roughly 4 van loads of stuff in the house now.
Annoying to have him back, wandering around the house all night long. He's at least somewhat tidy in the kitchen - plates are scraped off and put beside the sink.
I did still feel some attraction towards S - stamped that down and kept everything "grey rock" businesslike. I'll need to talk to S18 and make sure that he knows that the end of January is coming up quickly and he needs to have a plan. Can't wait to have this place to just myself.
And she had lots of stories about how much of a particular person her former partner was - how he'd leave notes and complain and swear loudly if people's shoes weren't lined up properly. So I'm assuming she was a model housewife for the couple of years they were actually together.
This was HER version of the story. For all you know, he did all the work to keep it clean and she just messed up the things he kept in order. I would take her account of anything with a huge grain of salt. I’m pretty sure she was never a model housewife. You don’t go from being a model housewife - however reluctantly - to the complete slob she was with you. You have to give up this unfounded heroic image you have of her.
You have to give up this unfounded heroic image you have of her.
This is really key. It’s so important because it’s clearly still there inside of you. Part of you seems to see she was not anything you thought she was. But another part of you wants to still believe she was much of it - that she’s maternal, and a great mother and smart business woman, a good cook, a decent house keeper. She’s very likely not any of these things. You wanted her to be. You hoped she was, but that’s as much you wanting to believe as it is her trying to deceive. If you can’t see these things now, even in hindsight, how will you ever pick them out when someone new comes along. TRUST NOTHING AND MAKE PEOOLE PROVE THEMSELVES. you’re still wanting to give the benefit of the doubt, even now. You’ll continue finding yourself in a position like this until you change this. People are simply often not as honest or honorable as you’d like them to be. Clearly this strongly applies to S
I know that S and her kids are capable of taking care of a home - they just chose not to here.
What possible evidence do you have that this is true?
those precise words went through my head as I read this !
Andrew, do not buy into more of S's faradiddles. Believe what you've seen with your own eyes, because that is truth.
When is your next appointment with your IC?
When is your next appointment with your IC?
The IC gave me some reading to do on relationship models but didn't seem to think that I had more to address. I asked her if we should book another appointment and she said that it didn't seem necessary until I was thinking about dating and then only if I was still worried about being taken advantage of / steam-rollered into something unhealthy.
Up early(ish) because I wasn't sure if we were open or closed today. One of the perils of working from home. It appears we're closed for regular business. There's a few things I may poke at though.
<grumble> - I found a present that I forgot to wrap for S26. He had forgotten one other here as well and so I hung it by the door. He was supposed to have Christmas dinner with his mother on Saturday, that got postponed because of weather and he was supposed to go again yesterday. He didn't come by the house though - I'd put it on the mailbox by the door. There was freezing rain in the forecast though. I did see OM out shoveling snow when I was in town yesterday. They live on a major street that is my usual route in and out of town. It's highly unusual to see anyone out though.
I've texted him to see when he may be stopping by. Trying to limit everyone's exposure though. S's S18 works at the grocery store and I have to drive him to and from work. We don't interact otherwise and use separate bathrooms. I'm counting down the days until he's out on his own too. I've mentioned to him that if his government program doesn't find him housing that he'll have to move in with his mother - something he's not keen on I'm sure. I've hesitated on this because he probably doesn't want to hear such things but technically he's an adult and needs to face these things. And I want to keep the pressure on otherwise it will be the end of January and he'll still be here with no plans.
I was pleasantly surprised this morning. I'd sent out an email yesterday to a number of local carpet places for replacement rugs for the living room, dining room and hallway. First estimate back inclusive of taxes from one place - $750. Woot! The rug in the living room was considered a major deal at $350 2 years ago. It seems that carpet places have lots of remnants of various sizes that they are eager to unload. The cost of binding the edges is about 30% of the total. I have to figure out how to get them here and also what to do with the old carpets but this is great news. I had been expecting almost double this.
We'll have to see how it all works out of course. It would be easier if I had been able to keep my utility trailer in under cover but I pulled it out so that S could get at her furniture (which is still there) and now it is full of snow. It's supposed to be above freezing here for a few days so I should be able to get things sorted around. At this point I have no expectation that S will be by for the furniture before spring - but then again I've been wrong lots of times. Including about whether I was working today or not
I need to get out walking again. I've put on about 5 lbs in the last couple of weeks with Christmas treats. I also seem to have some pain in the back of my thighs that feels like muscle strain that got better when I walked yesterday. It was odd - it started suddenly when I was having Christmas dinner with my son. Probably just sat wrong on the chair - the joys of being middle-aged. I've really not walked hardly at all since the summer and S moved in. Certainly her telling me that she loved going for walks was less than realistic. She wouldn't even walk the dog much less go for regular walks around town with me. Her back hurt
It got me thinking about how some guys my age seek out much younger women. Setting aside monetary and child-care issues, how many younger women would really want to be nurse to an "old fogey" with his aches and pains? And on the other side - how could an older guy keep up to the energy level of someone quite a bit younger? Ah well - something I'll never have to worry about for myself.
New thread time
Rebuilding and renewal - 2
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2911435&#Post2911435