Link to last thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2902442&page=10Thought I should start a new thread as I had reached 10 pages.
Got back from my visit with TDH late Tuesday night. Had a great time. The weather was beautiful. TDH and I wandered around his community and did some Christmas shopping. He’s like a lot of men I know and tends to do his shopping on December 24th so this was a new experience for him. I met both kids and his ex. We had planned to spend time with his S11 (which we did and it went well) but my meeting his ex and daughter was quite by accident as we ran into them at a shopping centre. She was outwardly friendly. His D9 seemed excited to meet me. TDH said she had been mad when she found out her brother was meeting me that night and not her so she was happy we ran into them. I couldn’t help but notice that TDH seemed happy about it too. We were all wearing masks but eyes are pretty easy to read. She looked a bit surprised whereas he looked a little pleased with himself. I get it. Nothing like finding happiness after being devastated by a cheating spouse - especially when their Plan A didn’t work out the way they wanted. I think he felt a bit vindicated. Later on that evening, she passive aggressively changed the plans. Originally she was going to drop S11 off but we ended up having to go pick him up. I didn’t mind but TDH thought it was in reaction to her meeting me because these were plans they had made the day before and she had no real reason to change them. When we went to get him, I also met his two nephews (adorable little blond boys dressed up in the cutest costumes) and his ex’s sister who was quite friendly.
Had an “incident” with XH. Got a text from him on Monday saying he was about to have a talk with D12 about her rude behaviour at the diner table and that I would probably hear about it. Just after reading this, I got a text from D12’s friend’s dad who asked if I had a couple of minutes. He said he had intercepted a disturbing text from D12 to his daughter that he thought I should know about. She had texted her friend that her dad had grabbed her head at the dinner table and forced her to look at OW and that he hadn’t warned her and she was “a bit scared”. So..I texted XH and told him that I had received a disturbing text about him and D12 and that we needed to talk face-to-face when I got back. Shortly after, my phone rang and it was him. First time in almost two years that we have talked on the phone...texted, yes, but never a phone call. Anyway...we talked about it. He said that I had to know he wouldn’t hurt our kids. I, of course, said that I didn’t KNOW anything about him anymore and that I didn’t think he would based on the 13 years we were together BUT he also lied to me for years so I really have no idea. And that wasn’t me being difficult, it’s just the reality. He was pretty upset but also reasonable. The bottom line is that he can’t put his hands on our kids if he is angry...no exceptions. I also FaceTimed D12 and she was okay. She said she and her dad worked it out. Her dad told me that she said I “hit her all the time” so we clarified what is a tap on the leg to get her attention or on the shoulder out of jest and what is actually hitting/abusing someone and how people would interpret her saying that I hit her. She looked a little shocked...lol. Anyway...suffice it to say she won’t be saying that anymore. I then FaceTimed S12 who witnessed the “incident’ and he told me that D12 was being really rude and had been treating everyone like crap for weeks and they were just sick of it. Sound familiar Ginger?? He didn’t think she was hurt...just surprised. S12 is super sensitive so I know if he thought his sister was being abused in any way, he would tell me. D12 is back home and seems like her normal cheerful self (with the odd moody period) so hopefully this whole thing is behind us and lessons have been learned.
Got a text from first XH last night. It said I had been on his mind and he just wanted to see how I was doing. He has been checking in with me fairly regularly since XH and I split. I’m trying not to read anything into it but it is odd...after all these years. We’ve always held each other in high regard but this seems a bit different. I get the impression that if I told him I wanted to try again, he’d be all for it. He’s a great guy but I have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever so it would never happen. That was a different time...a different life...a different me. There is no going back. I feel bad for him though. His life hasn’t gotten better since we split. He remarried and has been separated from her for at least ten years. She won’t give him a divorce and he doesn’t have the money or energy to force one. She has the house and he pays her so much every month that he can’t afford a place of his own so he lives with his parents. His job doesn’t pay a whole lot and he doesn’t have benefits so no pension other than what the government gives out. And no savings either. He’s 55 so doesn’t have a lot of time to work with. Eventually I think they will sell their house. Hopefully he will get his 50% of the equity but she may try to find a way to screw him out of it and he isn’t the type to put up a big fight.
Also a hiccup with TDH this weekend. Nothing dramatic...just something I have to think about. TDH and I have the same values when it comes to relationships and family. He’s incredibly loyal, honest, loving, thoughtful, etc.... all the things I want in a partner. However...we see things very differently when it comes to politics and world issues. I am not a political person by any means so this doesn’t come up very often. But it comes up a lot more these days given the climate we are living in currently so I am aware that it seems like a bigger deal now than it normally would. I wouldn’t say TDH is a political person either...it is more that he is almost apolitical in that he thinks all politicians are corrupt and is a couple steps away from being a conspiracy theorist - one is just as bad as the other. I have more faith in humanity than that and I do think that some are better than others. I think Donald Trump is dangerous whereas he thinks he is entertaining. The one thing I have to admire about him though is that when these things do come up, he’s totally calm and it doesn’t bother him whereas I get pretty irritated. He doesn’t get why. He says he accepts that I believe what I believe and he thinks I should do the same. For the most part I do but there are just a couple things that make me shake my head because they are so out there. I also know that my family would be in the same boat as me and he has already had a run in over with with my BIL who is the smartest person I know. TDH said he learned his lesson in that regard (BIL can intellectually run circles around most people - he has an amazing memory for facts and he NEVER loses an argument) and I shouldn’t worry about it because he knows how to hold his tongue. He also says he worked it out with BIL the next day and apologized because he didn’t realize how strongly BIL felt about what they were talking about. So the question is... can you have a long term relationship with someone who has the same values as you but has some (not all) different beliefs? XH and I had the same beliefs but very different values and look where that went. And everything else with TDH is soooo good so on the odd occasion this comes up, it seems really stupid that it bothers me. IDK.
It would be a dealbreaker for me, for a couple of reasons. 1) I couldn’t be with somebody so blind to the obvious racism, misogyny and homophobia ( he passed a rule that doctors can refuse to treat my trans son). To me that speaks to a lack of empathy and loving kindness - sure, it’s easy to be kind and loving to family and friends that look like you, but the real test of character is how you feel about “the other” and people less fortunate than yourself.
2) Someone who is not intellectually astute enough to fact check information they get on the internet would simply not be a match for me.
Good Morning DV
He says he accepts that I believe what I believe and he thinks I should do the same.
That is a pretty solid place to be. Accepting that others can be different from you. And that that is ok.
For the most part I do but there are just a couple things that make me shake my head because they are so out there.
A rather judgemental viewpoint, which is the norm for present day society.
My musing on forgiveness touched upon this, the continual stirring of the pot by media, commercials, friends, family, everything. Keeping people on edge and off balance. It feeds our ego’s need to be right.
There are hot-button topics that people react to. React not respond - important different. Politics and religion to name a couple. Many many friendships and relationships have been destroyed in arguments over hot-button topics. I know quite a few people who have taken their anger and myopic view/belief to their grave. Years and years of unforgiving hatred towards someone who has a different view/belief. And why? (Well because their wrong! Lol)
Right and wrong is a matter of view point. In your query, it’s the view of Donald Trump that is contentious. It’s such a polarizing topic - politics. And it doesn’t need to be. However, that is exactly where “they” want you to be. Each side is so entrenched in their own views, they are quite unable to see beyond them.
I don’t know TDH, so I would not call him blind. For to me it doesn’t sound like TDH is blind; it sounds like he is rather open-minded. The accusation of him lacking empathy and kindness falls right back upon the accuser who cannot see the other side’s views. One is vulnerable when empathizing, and vulnerable is not a position we take when entrenched within our own beliefs.
A person’s test of character is not limited to how we deal with just the “the others” and people less fortunate. How we deal with all people, especially those with a different view/belief, is the true test.
The US politics is such a battle ground. That phrase, battleground, is use often, and it whips up the very emotional irrational reactions I am speaking about. Donald Trump didn’t pass a rule that refuses treatment - it takes congress to pass rules. It is a democracy not a dictatorship. The entire house passes the rules and law, not just one man (or woman). Contrary to what the media feeds our egos. The entire elected legislative assembly is responsible.
However, to your question at hand.
can you have a long term relationship with someone who has the same values as you but has some (not all) different beliefs?
The answer - it depends.
And, it depends upon you.
“...make me shake my head because they are so out there.” Approximately half of the population sees it one way and half the other. Each jumps upon their soapbox and screams that they are right. Are 250 million (plus the countless others across the globe) really “so out there” ?
In the end you can control only you.
For the most part politics comes up only every four years. Other than that, life just goes along. Seriously, look at your life. Fact checking is an excellent idea, yet difficult because google-able facts are filtered. Looking at your own life, like a scientist would, is as far as you need to go. Seek actual verifiable results. How did things go? Was I employed? Did I have enough? Was I happy? Whatever metric you want to use. Find your own answers - not what you’re told your answers are.
In the end you can control only you.
Are your beliefs really that different? Do you believe in democracy? The right for others to have choice? To have different views?
Democracy is an excellent belief. Yes, at times “our” side will not “win”. Yet, democracy wins. The will of the people. And for someone who believes and has faith in humanity, that should be a very good thing.
I suppose I could summarize as don’t make mountains out of mole hills.
It’s ok that the different view point bothers you. I guess it comes down to how entrenched you are. Personally, I believe you are wise and can see your ego affecting you.
Feelings are fleeting. Beliefs are slow to change.
Encourage and reinforce your beliefs that are beyond the petty partisanship views, for those don’t really serve you. You and TDH are great together. Is the rare not seeing eye to eye really a dealbreaker? It will be if you make it so.
It’s a mole hill, treat it as such.
D
I think Donald Trump is dangerous whereas he thinks he is entertaining. The one thing I have to admire about him though is that when these things do come up, he’s totally calm and it doesn’t bother him whereas I get pretty irritated. He doesn’t get why. He says he accepts that I believe what I believe and he thinks I should do the same. For the most part I do but there are just a couple things that make me shake my head because they are so out there. I also know that my family would be in the same boat as me and he has already had a run in over with with my BIL who is the smartest person I know. TDH said he learned his lesson in that regard (BIL can intellectually run circles around most people - he has an amazing memory for facts and he NEVER loses an argument) and I shouldn’t worry about it because he knows how to hold his tongue. He also says he worked it out with BIL the next day and apologized because he didn’t realize how strongly BIL felt about what they were talking about. So the question is... can you have a long term relationship with someone who has the same values as you but has some (not all) different beliefs? XH and I had the same beliefs but very different values and look where that went. And everything else with TDH is soooo good so on the odd occasion this comes up, it seems really stupid that it bothers me. IDK.
This is a tricky thing to navigate. It comes to respect. Do each of you respect the other's different opinions. Take a look at the VP elect. A Baptist married to a Jew.
I think you nailed with the comment on values. How do you each treat and think about the disadvantaged for example.
It's not stupid that it bothers you. Beliefs are the core on which personalities are built - they define who you are.
Thanks for your responses.
KML...That’s the weird part... he doesn’t agree with anything DT says.... he can’t stand him. But he thinks that everyone else in his position is just as bad...just less vocal about who they are at their core. I have more faith than that and on the odd occasion this comes up, it’s what bothers me the most.
D - I knew if there was anyone who could see the middle ground in this, it would be you. What you said about our egos needing to be right is something I’ve thought a lot about. Fact checking is so difficult these days. I believe in science and reputable journals and reputable journalists. TDH questions how I know they are reputable and at the end of the day, I can’t really say exactly HOW I know it except that I went to university for years and learned to think critically. I also know when someone is talking out of their a$$ and praying on people’s fears and vulnerabilities and promoting hate...and it bothers me.
To answer your question... yes, he believes in democracy. He believes in treating others fairly. He is not racist or misogynistic. He is beyond friendly and respectful to everyone. He has a really open mind in a lot of ways...maybe too open...lol. I don’t know anyone like him so, in a way, I like that he makes me think about my beliefs even though he can’t really change them. You are right. These last few years have really tested people. Ended a lot of friendships. My BIL recently ended a 30-year friendship over it. The guy he no longer talks to was a “different” kind of guy...has an MBA but doesn’t really work...does odd jobs and lives off his parents. But he’s also a real sweetheart if you were to ever meet him. Open, accepting, and kind...but a DT supporter. I guess he and my BIL had one too many arguments about it.
TDH does force me to question my own open-mindedness, no doubt. Because like you said... I do believe in democracy and freedom of choice. TDH always says that you should be able to do what you want to do as long as you aren’t hurting other people. I agree with that to an extent except that I am also a full believer in the concept of the bully, the victim and the bystander.... it is the bystanders who give the bullies their power. Having said that, I also know that if TDH saw someone being bullied or hurt, he would be the first to step in...regardless of that person’s race, gender, etc... So his stance, or lack thereof, on world politics is mystifying to me. Anyway...thank you for taking the time to weigh in. As per usual...you’ve given me a lot to think about. (((HUGS)))
Andrew... TDH 100% respects me. He even says that he is quite sure I am smarter than him...lol. We do have the same values although he is definitely less politically correct than me when it comes to language but most people are...lol. I am my mother’s daughter and she was as politically correct as they get.
Donald Trump didn’t pass a rule that refuses treatment - it takes congress to pass rules.
DNJ you are incorrect - he changed the interpretation of a regulation to accomplish this, side stepping congressional approval. Here are excerpts from the nor news account at the time. Google it. “ The Trump administration on Friday finalized a rule that would remove nondiscrimination protections for LGBTQ people when it comes to health care and health insurance.” “ It is one of many rules and regulations put forward by the Trump administration that defines "sex discrimination" as only applying when someone faces discrimination for being female or male, and does not protect people from discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity.”
And I don’t agree that “opinions” on both sides are equally valid. Were people who believed slavery was good on the same moral ground as people who believed it was an abomination?
And I don’t agree that “opinions” on both sides are equally valid.
Wow!
When one invalidates, devalues, nullifies, or makes worthless the other’s opinion, is the recipe for continued conflict. Deciding whose opinions are valid and whose aren’t, is disrespectful and turns people into second or lower class persons, leading to the very real problems that exist and persist.
I have been called evil for my consumption of meat. My respect for vegans to follow their beliefs and values has not been mutual; having some more strongly entrenched to give me a blast. Their views and opinions are valid, apparently mine are not. People can vilify anyone, when they choose to. Right and wrong, good and evil, are muddied and seldom easy to label with absolutely certainty. I am an evil man to some. Oh well.
At any rate, kml, I do respect your opinion and wisdom. I think and believe you are a good and wise person. You are highly skilled, intelligent, and dispense really good advice. I listen to you closely and appreciate your views.
I do apology DV. Hot-button topics. In my professional life I am required to lead. Imagine carrying two buckets; in one hand is a bucket of gas, and in the other a bucket of water. Problems/conflicts are like fire; spreading and destroying. I choose which bucket to use, and which to influence others to respond with as well. The great majority of problems do not call for more gas, they require utilizing the bucket of water. That has served me well in both my professional and person life. Thank you for appreciating the middle ground on which I stand.
D
What I’m saying dnj is that there’s a limit. Slavery is a good example. Homophobia is a good example. If your “opinion” is that other people are less than you and should be discriminated against, that’s a form of evil. Evil and good are not the same.
i don't believe opinions hold the same value when it comes to matters of fact. Contrarians, conspiracy theorists, anti-vaxxers and flat-earthers all believe their opinions are valid, yet it's patently clear they're not. They refuse to countenance any other views, secure in some kind of bubble where beliefs can trump facts whenever they choose.
Quite frankly I find them thoroughly disrespectful of both science and reason. I think I'm well within my rights to not have to argue the toss with the wilfully ignorant. That doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't even mean I'm terribly intolerant. It just means I'm not so open-minded my brains have fallen out.
Having said that, I guess it's important to decide what it is that is triggering your discomfort and how much it matters in the long run. I don't think it's possible to have a long-term relationship with somebody without running into different values or beliefs from time to time. If we always ran when that happened we'd all be clearing out our stable of partners and friends - and losing a lifetime of love in the process.
Perhaps it only matters when the toxicity from having to swallow your pride or hold your tongue ends up poisoning your heart or mind. When that happens, it might be time to go.
I dunno DV. Seems to me the real deal breakers are differing values. Opinions are like a$$holes - everyone's got 'em. He has a much more cynical or pragmatic (depending on your viewpoint) of politicians than you do. I personally think the world would be boring if everyone had the same viewpoint. jmho
Really good points...all of you. Devvo...I laughed outloud at your comment about one being so open minded their brains fall out...lol. Yeah...TDH’s opinion on a couple of things are definitely strange given everything else I know about him. I think they would be deal breakers if he expected me to believe what he believes or ridiculed me for believing what I believe. He doesn’t at all. I’m the one that has more of an issue. TBH...prior to the US election four years ago and the craziness that followed, I didn’t tend to talk about this stuff with people. I could not have told you which of my friends had which political views because it rarely, if ever, came up. But...that’s not the case anymore. I ran into a good friend of mine (pool player) who I have known for over 20 years. I have nothing but good things to say about him as a person. But...he stopped me and my sister in the grocery store a couple months ago to tell us that heard that Dr. Fauci, American infectious disease expert, CREATED Corona virus with the drug companies to make money and he believes it. HUH?!? I thought he was joking at first. Apparently not. Did not go down that rabbit hole with him. Pretty pointless, I think.
So...topic change...just had a text from XH asking if I had a pair of jeans for S12 who has been refusing to wear anything but sweat pants for the past year. I told him I had one pair and he texted me that they were doing a photo shoot this weekend. UGH. A “family” photo with OW. I didn’t ask why he wanted the jeans so he had no reason to tell me. I’m sure he couldn’t wait to. The guy is missing a sensitivity chip big time. Not sure why it’s bothering me. I think probably because we never got around to getting a family photo done...always too many other things to do. I’m sad about that. Not for me...cause even if we had, they would be in storage somewhere...but more for my kids. They don’t have a photo of them and their parents...at least not a professional one. And they won’t ever have one. I hope when the photo shoot this weekend doesn’t remind them of that.
Speaking of my kids...the last time they were with me, D12 wanted to talk to me about her dad. She was remembering the timing of when she had met OW and put it together that her dad had been cheating on me. I could see her mind really working to make sense of it. I told her that not everyone has the same values but that I hoped if she ever got married and decided she didn’t want to be married anymore, she would have enough respect for her spouse and her family to end it before she started shopping around for a replacement. She said she definitely would. Was thinking back to the conflict she had had with her dad last week. We had chalked it up to teenage hormones but I can’t help but wonder if some of the “rudeness” that XH was mad about last week had something to do with that revelation.
Divorce...the gift that just keeps on giving.... (((HUGS))) to all.
Was thinking back to the conflict she had had with her dad last week. We had chalked it up to teenage hormones but I can’t help but wonder if some of the “rudeness” that XH was mad about last week had something to do with that revelation.
Oh yeah - I'm sure that was it! You handled it well.
(Btw - not necessarily meaning that D said something to OW about it, just that the having that insight about the cheating may have resulted in her being generally rude to OW).
Time for a brief update...
Life just keeps rolling along. XH and I have been texting more lately because of the twins’ birthday coming up and Christmas of course. Want to make sure we aren’t duplicating gifts and in my daughter’s case, we are coordinating complimentary gifts. I texted him yesterday about what our plans are for those dates. Technically, they are scheduled to be with me for their birthday and Christmas Day. If we stuck to our schedule, they would go to his place in time for dinner. But... I know how I would feel if they were scheduled to be at his place so I told him we can work something out. Haven’t heard back yet...not sure why. Not gonna worry about it. I know we’ll figure something out.
The pandemic is wreaking havoc on my love life. Haven’t seen TDH for about ten days and may not see him for a couple more weeks. My province has implemented a “reduce your social circle, stay at home as much as possible, and don’t travel outside of your community” order. His social circle currently is limited to me, his kids, his ex and his mom so I’m not too worried about him being a carrier of CV19 but he does come from the health region with the most cases so it is more about optics and setting a good example. The order “expires” in a week so we’ll see how things go. In the meantime, we talk daily and are still playing our Scrabble games. He also texts me a lot of random messages throughout the day about how much he misses me and loves me. He still isn’t working so I think is going a bit stir crazy. He’s been thinking about a major career change and has been talking about going into healthcare. He could get hired and trained as a care aid and then work towards becoming an LPN. He has the perfect personality for it and he could easily find work near me when he is ready to move. Normally you would have to get the care aid training first and then apply for a job but there are so many vacancies due to the pandemic that employers are now hiring and training on the job. There is a central application process. He sent in his application a few days ago and apparently should hear back within three weeks. The positions are unionized and come with benefits so I think it is a good move for him.
Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends!! Hope you manage to find things to be thankful for. (((HUGS)))
He still isn’t working so I think is going a bit stir crazy. He’s been thinking about a major career change and has been talking about going into healthcare.
BWOOP BWOOP BWOOP - Danger Will Robinson!
As I am well aware there seem to be a lot of mid-life people out there who aren't doing for themselves. I presume that there are good and valid reasons as to why TDH isn't able to work at present?
I read all sorts of stories about women who end up supporting their partner and then end up getting the short end of the stick either when they've supported them through a career transition (and paid all the bills) or they just sit on the couch all day. I'm a bit of a poster boy for this story albeit in the other direction.
One big reason Andrew... CV19. The place he was working has been shut down again. He, like thousands of other people in the big city, has been applying lots of places but his particular area is basically in a lockdown.
Anyway...I’m not worried about it AT ALL. For one...I am 100% financially independent and better off than a lot of working couples I know. Second...us moving in together and sharing bills is at least a few years away. Third...he would never be okay with not paying his share of the bills when/if we do eventually live together. He’s a guy’s guy that way and has a lot of pride in that regard. Fourth...he lost a lot in his divorce (as in she got almost everything) but he did well enough that he has no debts. He’s starting from square one again but at least he’s not in the hole. Basically, by the time his financial situation involves me in any way, I will know him really, really well.
TDH really is a great guy. He treats me very well. He thinks of his kids first and me second. This is way better than what I was used to where I was pretty much at the bottom of the priority list. I’m a caregiver so this is stepping outside of my comfort zone. TDH is too so we are in competition in that regard. When he has come over to visit and I’ve gone off to work, he isn’t sitting on the couch. He’s cleaning my house and making me dinner. He’s interacting with my MIL and SD and playing with my dog. The best part is... I don’t need to ask him to do these things, it’s who he is. One could argue that this is him trying to impress me. Could be but again... us living together is years away and the honeymoon stage can only last so long...even in a long distance relationship. So, IMO, the risk of me getting taken advantage of is low.
Time for another update.
The pandemic continues to be front and centre.. Our province is currently going through a second wave and although there has been an upsurge in cases in my area, we are still the shining stars of the province with 65 active cases (population 1,000,000) and, sadly, 11 deaths. Not a high number but that’s irrelevant to the people who lost a loved one. Living on an island has its advantages, I think. Nonetheless, we are being told to keep our bubbles extremely small and to wear our masks at all times in public. I’ve been out many times and have only seen one person without a mask so the level of cooperation with authorities seems to be high. Also a reason our numbers are low, I suspect. Christmas was low key. XH had the kids on Christmas Eve and delivered them to me at around 10:30 Christmas morning. Christmas dinner was me, my kids, SD21 and my sister and her husband. They work from home so their bubble is basically me and my family and one other friend who lives alone. TDH spent Christmas Eve with his mom and Christmas morning with his ex and his kids. I admire his devotion to his kids in that regard although he told me later that this is the last time. He described his ex’s attitude as “soul sucking”. He says she wanted to dictate what he got the kids for Christmas and was mad when he did his own thing. Apparently she is also very angry that he is in love with someone, her affair is engaged to someone else and she is alone. Another example of karma doing it’s thing.
Haven’t seen TDH since mid-November. He is planning to come over tomorrow and stay with me for a few days. Kids are at their dad’s so it will be just me and him and occasionally SD21 who likes to come upstairs when he is here. She just loves him. She bought a game that involves getting smacked in the face with whip cream and the first thing she said was, “I can’t wait to play this with TDH.” His sense of humour is very similar to hers so when I told him about it, he said, ‘We’re going to pay the h3ll out of that game.” Things have been status quo with the two of us. He calls me every day and texts me numerous times. Says he misses me like crazy and he just wants to do things to help me out when he is here. I wanted a devoted, romantic guy and he definitely fits the bill. I didn’t think I could find a guy with a softer heart than mine but I was wrong. He is as sentimental as they come.
Started planning my three-week trip to Croatia next year with my sister et al. We’ve been booking places for six people and for four people...just in case our friend and her husband can’t go. Our friend has been struggling with her MS and just started a course of chemotherapy to try to combat some of her symptoms. Unfortunately, if she still needs a wheelchair next year, she won’t be able to go. She was in a wheelchair for years but then improved to the extent that she hadn’t needed one for the last 15 years. Her pain issues are apparently due to a back problem but not sure how they are planning to treat that (surgery possibly) or when it can actually happen. So our plans are up in the air. TDH is also a question mark due to his employment situation so it is entirely possible that a trip for six turns into a trip for three. There is also the added bonus of CV19 so also possible that the trip doesn’t happen at all. We are preparing ourselves for all of those possibilities so I’m keeping my expectations low. Nice to think it might happen though as it helps me to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Happy New Year to all of you in DB land. Hope 2021 is a better year!!! (((HUGS)))
Wow...has it been a month since my last update? Some things have stayed the same and some things have changed...or at least decisions have been made that will lead to a big change towards the end of the year.
My XMIL and I have made the decision to sell our home and part ways. I think this was always inevitable as it is difficult to truly be divorced when you are sharing a home with your ex’s mom so I am okay with the decision. The good news is that this was not a decision that was thrust upon both of us. When I approached her to talk about it, I was worried there would be some challenges with respect to the timing and all of the other difficulties that come with moving but there wasn’t at all. I thanked her for all of the sacrifices she has made on behalf of me and her grandchildren and for all of her help over the years. I told her that I knew she wasn’t happy with her space in the house and that at her age, she is wanting to be closer to her son and I totally understand. She thanked me in return and we exchanged “I love you’s” and set a target date of either May or June to list. So...lots to do to get ready and then we are crossing our fingers someone will buy it for what we paid so that we can both walk away with enough money to comfortably pay for our future homes.
Regarding my future home...I am pretty excited about my plans. A couple months ago, I was talking with my sister about the inevitability of me needing to move and what that might look like. She has also talked about making a change in residences and we joked how we could both sell and get separate homes that we are okay with or we could pool our money and get an amazing house. At least it started out as a joke...lol. Anyway...we agreed that if we did live together, it would be important for there to be two primary bedrooms and enough space that she and her husband could retreat if needed. She’s a real estate agent so she had been keeping an eye out for something that might work and came to the conclusion that we are unlikely to find such a house. This led to some “wouldn’t it be cool if...” discussions around the possibility of building. Neither of us have done this before but she and her husband have a lot of connections in the industry so it seemed more doable than it had when I had thought about it in the past.
So...we started looking at house plans that might work and also property. Long story short...there was one property listed in her neighbourhood that ticked every box and then some. She lives close to a lake that is in the centre of town and this property is the LAST building lot on the lake. We came up with a house plan that would work and it is literally our dream house in a dream location that enables my kids to go to the same high school with their friends. So...we put in an offer, it was accepted and we remove our conditions at the end of January. We expect to be able to break ground towards the end of this year or the beginning of next and be living in the home by Christmas 2022. While it’s being built, we will live with her in her current home as it is big enough that we can all have a bedroom. My daughter is over the moon about living on a lake as she loves the water. My son, not so much, but he just hates change in general so I know that he will be unhappy about it until we are moved in and he sees the benefits. In the meantime, we just have to endure his anxiety and reassure him that it will be okay in the end.
Ginger... I can totally relate to your struggles with your 13 year-old. I have similar ones with my 13 year-olds. They have definitely developed minds of their own and also have a tendency towards disrespectful tones as in talking to me like I am one of their buddies and not their mom. It floors me sometimes. Like you, I know they love me but they are also mad at me sometimes. One of the major issues is that they aren’t going to school with their friends due to the pandemic and the vulnerable people in their home(s)- their grandmother in mine and OW in their dad’s. They both miss their friends and being taught by an actual teacher standing in front of them. I feel for them immensely which is why I cut them some slack around their attitudes sometimes but wow, it can be a bit much. A couple days ago, I had a confrontation with my son over it and he eventually confessed to me that he is angry. He is not just angry about school but also because when we moved, I told him we were moving to our “forever home” and we were going to be a “forever family”. That one stung - especially since the dissolution of that dream was not my choice. But...what can I say? He has a right to his feelings and they are valid. I let XH know what had transpired and he was quick to reply that the school thing will change and “aw...poor little guy” about the rest of it. I would hope that he would make a point of talking with our children and taking some responsibility for the pain he has put them through but I think that is probably a bit too much to hope for. Responsibility-taking and honesty have never been his forte. So I just have to keep picking up the pieces and giving them as much love as I can. On the plus side, XH and I continue to co-parent pretty well. I took my daughter over to his place the other night to pick something up and we even managed to have a casual face-to-face conversation that was reasonably pleasant. He still seems really anxious whenever he has to talk to me directly though. Who knows why. I don’t feel anxious at all...but then again, I didn’t live a double life for years and it could be that he is reminded of that whenever he sees me and it isn’t a comfortable feeling. Just a guess. At the end of the day, doesn’t really matter.
Haven’t been talking to TDH as much lately. I had a brief conversation with him Monday night and I made the mistake of opening the door to a political discussion that lasted about two minutes before I became frustrated and told him I was hanging up. He agreed and then texted “weirdo” about two hours later. I didn’t reply. Sigh...we are so similar in a lot of ways but this is one area that we just don’t agree on... at all. He has a fundamental distrust of government and I am a government worker and have been for over 20 years. He thinks all politicians are corrupt and one is no different from the other. I strongly disagree, Last time this happened, I just resolved to not talk about these things with him and that has worked well for the last several months. But then this came up and I find myself once again wondering if this is going to keep coming up and if it is ultimately going to drive a wedge between us....at least on my end. He doesn’t seem to care that I don’t share his views. If he was just a casual friend, it wouldn’t bother me but he isn’t. I could potentially be living with him one day. So this is weighing heavily on me and I don’t know what to do about it.
Anyway...life continues on. Really looking forward to the day that we can all take our masks off and be in each other’s company again. I am going to have a big party....lol. (((HUGS))) to all!!
I couldn't live with someone so different from me, not just in political persuasion but in ability to discern facts. That could just be me though. It's a shame.
You plans for the lake house sound great, but I have one caveat - what happens to you if your brother-in-law bails? Would your sister be able to buy out his share of the house? Is his 1/3 or 1/4? Make sure you have EVERYTHING for EVERY contingency spelled out. What if you married a guy who didn't get along with your BIL? How would that be worked out?
(Confession - I've thought idly about the same thing with my sister. If she lived closer - we each own a nice house, but it we combined forces, we could live in a mansion! However, I wouldn't want the maintenance or expense of that.)
Good questions KML. My sister and BIL have been married for 25 years and he is like a brother to me. They are in business together. He has no extended family except for a couple cousins that he sees once in a blue moon. He loved my parents immensely. He and my brother are close friends. In short...we are his family and he is as loyal as they come. I cannot imagine him bailing but we will definitely have that worked out prior...just in case. As for my sister and I... we are identical twins and as close as two people can be. We always said we would end up living together when we were old...just thought it would be a lot later. This is actually a pretty great situation for all of us as they plan to live out of the country for three months out of the year after they retire so they wouldn’t have to worry about their home being looked after. We are also going to be splitting all of the bills which will be a nice financial break for all of us. I know this is a bit risky but honestly, if one of us decided we truly wanted out, we would work it out somehow. To answer your question...his share of the home would be 1/4. I am paying for 50% of the home and they are paying for the other 50%.
As an added bonus... we are designing the house so that we could run it as a B & B once the kids move out if we decided we wanted to make some extra money. Honestly... it is going to be so beautiful and spacious that I don’t see any of us ever wanting to move. It’s been mine and my sister’s dream to live next to a lake since we were kids and my parents opted to move away from the lake where we lived and closer to town. My sister says she feels like we are righting a wrong...lol.
Re: me marrying someone they didn’t like or get along with. TBH...I can’t see me ever doing that. Their opinions matter too much to me. If they didn’t like my significant other, I know the relationship would have very little chance of succeeding. I’m just too close to them geographically now for it to go any other way. My sister and I are so much alike. It is doubtful I would like anyone she didn’t like and vice versa. And my BIL is pretty chill. Nonetheless, I would not have anyone move in without their approval so not too worried.
Ahhhh....the twin thing! You'll be fine! And if BIL only has 25% ownership, even if he loses his mind and has a MLC and leaves, the two of you should be able to buy him out if need be.
And love the idea of having a possibility for income from the property in the future.
The ability to make money from it as a B & B is definitely an added bonus. We don’t know that is something we would want to do but we thought it was smart to give ourselves the option...or a future buyer if we ever decide to sell. Or the kids after they inherit the property. That’s another bonus...they don’t have kids so my kids are their heirs.
The thing about my BIL is that he has a genius level IQ and is extremely rational and analytical. Sometimes I think he might be on the autism spectrum. He rarely makes decisions on an emotional level. He is very goal oriented and I trust him to the level that I trusted my dad. He is just a solid human being. But yes...if they split, my sister and I would definitely buy him out. He’s pretty into this idea...lol. As soon as we decided we wanted to do this, he started designing the house on an architecture program he has. It took him about a week to get it just right. We just need an architect to approve the design and add the details for the builder. It is so awesome!!! Four floors because it is on a really steep incline and we’re putting in an elevator so we can live there for as long as we are able to take care of ourselves. The first floor is the main living space - open floor plan. The second floor has two primary bedrooms, a laundry room, an open area for exercise equipment and a media room. The third floor has three bedrooms and two bathrooms so my kids will each have their own bathroom (less fighting
)and the bottom floor has a rec room (with a pool table, of course) a wet bar (with a pass through window to the outside) and an office for my BIL. There will also be a bathroom/change area that can be accessed from outside for anyone coming in from the lake or the hot tub. It really is a dream and one we could only achieve together. The only possible glitch is that the city won’t approve the variances we need to build but we won’t know that before the purchase of the lot goes through so it is a bit nerve wracking. However, there was a build that happened last year just down the street and they asked for the same variances we need so we think we are pretty safe in that regard. But...you never know. We may just end up with a very expensive dock to swim off of...lol.
. Anyway...this would never have happened if I was still married to XH so it is yet another blessing that comes from what I thought was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Hmmm...maybe not. Life is so full of surprises.
I know this is a bit risky but honestly, if one of us decided we truly wanted out, we would work it out somehow.
Having read "a few" contracts the key clauses in any contract are under what conditions is the contract to be ended and what are the remedies involved. And of course the simpler the better.
In some ways this would be like a pre-nup wouldn't it?
Just something to think about as a model. But certainly putting it all down in writing at the beginning will simplify everything for yourselves and potential heirs.
It could be structured in numerous ways. One set being the owner and the other tenant with the "rent" going towards equity vs co-owners for example. A friend of mine was explaining to me that a friend of his actually has his partner pay rent on the house they cohabitate in. As people get tired of me saying in meetings - "there's more than one way to skin a cat - but they all upset the cat".
Time for another update.
The twins are with me full-time for at least the next month. OW had her liver transplant last week so XH is on the mainland with her. We’re thrilled she has finally had the surgery. As much as I wanted the karma bus to hit the two of them, this was definitely not what I had in mind. So...not only are we happy that she got her liver (which seems to be working well) but the kids were able to return to school. D13 was over the moon about that. She’s really been missing her friends. S13 wasn’t quite so happy. He has fewer friends and he also has a difficult time concentrating in what can be a pretty noisy classroom. Overall, I think it is a good thing though. The last thing I want is a boy who is so used to being at home for school that he doesn’t want to return to regular school. And next year is the start of high school which comes with a whole other set of problems. My main worry is about how tiny he is. His paediatrician says it is delayed puberty. He’s 4’10” and 71 pounds whereas his twin sister is 5’7” and 130 pounds. When they stand next two each other, you would never ever guess they were twins. He has started to eat more lately though so I’m hoping that means his body is gearing up to enter puberty soon.
Haven’t seen TDH in ages so I find myself becoming used to being alone again which has its pros and cons. He seems to be as in love with me as ever but I’m not as sure. The pandemic has really magnified the complications that come with long distance relationships. We are still in touch every day but not a lot to talk about as not a lot changes when people’s movements are so restricted and every day feels like Groundhog Day. After awhile, you start to think that maybe the cons are starting to outweigh the pros. But...I am going to wait until things return to normal and we are able to see each other more often before I determine what I want long term. I’ve been pretty preoccupied with getting my house ready for the market and planning our new build so not really focused on my relationship at all. Subjects came off of our offer and money will be transferred on April 1st so it will officially be ours. We could have set an earlier closing but won’t be ready to break ground until the fall so didn’t see the point in carrying the mortgage any longer than we need to. Still feels surreal that we are actually doing this. Waiting the year and a half until we can move in is going to be hard but I think it will be worth it in the end.
My main worry is about how tiny he is. His paediatrician says it is delayed puberty. He’s 4’10” and 71 pounds whereas his twin sister is 5’7” and 130 pounds.
Please have him checked for celiac disease or gluten sensitivity. Celiac disease is a well known cause of delayed puberty. I had one such child who was shorter than her much younger sister - she was gluten sensitive (not quite full blown celiac) and she grew two inches the first year we put her on a gluten free diet.
We are still in touch every day but not a lot to talk about as not a lot changes when people’s movements are so restricted and every day feels like Groundhog Day. After awhile, you start to think that maybe the cons are starting to outweigh the pros
I would say the lack of things to talk about is a bit of a red flag. After all, ideas, books, values, movies, current events - there should be LOTS to talk about besides daily outings, for people with an intellectual life. But if TDH doesn't have an intellectual life (which many people don't, and that's not necessarily bad, we need all kinds in the world) he just might not be a match for YOU. I don't get to see my best friend (who I used to see once or twice a week) but we still have plenty to talk about on the phone, current events, books and movies we've read/seen, how our family members are doing, etc. etc. When I dated a guy who lived 11 hours away and who I only saw in person for a weekend every couple of months, we had tons to talk about every day - because he had an intellectual life.
Congratulations on your dream house project.
Lazy weekend. Wednesday I get my second shot of the vaccine! Yay!
A cautionary tale for you "rescuer" guys out there:
A long-time patient of mine contracted Covid. I was managing him at home, had started him on some medications, spoke to him one morning late last week - he wasn't well and his oxygen levels had declined a bit, he was going to have to go to the ER if it got any worse.
Tried calling him over the weekend to check on him with no response. Figured maybe he had gotten admitted.
Nope - he'd gotten arrested.
A little background - I've known him for many years, he's a simple blue collar guy who has carved out a spare but adequate retirement for himself, built his own home, has hobbies like motorcycle riding and windsurfing. Late 60's. Very nice guy.
He's been a bit of a lonely guy and he is a rescuer. His latest girlfriend he basically rescued from homelessness and addiction. They've been together for a couple of years and Ive heard the stories of her instability before.
Last morning I spoke to him, she was screaming very inappropriately at him in the background like a banshee that he was going to give her Covid. While he was febrile, with low oxygen, talking to his doctor.
Finally got a hold of his emergency contact today - apparently he'd been arrested later that day for pushing her. Now I can pretty much guarantee that SHE was the aggressor in this situation. If it even happened at all.
Hopefully he's getting bailed out today. I have a call in to the detective in the case to share what I know. I imagine he may not be able to return to his home since she has been living there with him.
Please don't try to rescue crazy women, guys. It doesn't turn out well.
Happy Birthday, Deja Vu! Just caught up a bit reading about your idyllic family home with your twin sister and ambivalent feelings toward your boyfriend. Glad all is well. Happy.. 52nd? May it be a year of more pleasant surprises!
Happy Birthday, DV! I think the plan with your sister sounds interesting. I’ve joked with my cousin (who is like a sister) about doing the same thing with her and her husband. Unlikely, but as I get closer to retirement and death, it gets more appealing.
I’ve been catching up on your thread, Deja. The new house sounds exciting! Glad to hear that OW is feeling okay. I hear ya on the karma bus, but not in this capacity.
Happy birthday! Celebrate for at least a month. Glad you are well :-)
Hi All.
Thank you for the birthday wishes. I turned 53. TDH made me and my sister an amazing German dinner and I made us an ice cream birthday cake. My S13 was especially happy about that.
Two months until my house goes on the market. I’ve been spending my spare time trying to organize and donate items I won’t be needing or no longer use. We did that before we moved in 2017 so it’s not a huge amount but it’s amazing what you can accumulate in four years. I’ve also got a number of repairs on my list. My house is only six years old but it needs to be in tip top shape. TDH is coming over for the first week of Spring Break and we are tackling the garage. Most of the stuff that was in there went with XH but it needs to be organized and the walls need to be painted. TDH’s height will come in handy. He can do the high parts.
I think I may also power wash the deck. Temperatures are getting more spring like so should be fine.
XH is still on the mainland with OW. HIs one month away turned into two months. As usual, he didn’t bother to tell me...just expected me to wait for him to reappear. I texted him a question about Spring Break and when he was taking the kids and he replied “I’ll be back April 1st.” No apology for giving me a false timeline...one month is a heck of a lot different from two months. Told him the lack of communication doesn’t work for me and that he still has responsibilities towards his kids. A two-minute check in call with them every other day doesn’t really cut it. And I asked him for extra grocery money as he didn’t offer the way I would have if it was me needing him to take the kids for a couple of months. I swear I spend $75 a month on milk alone. Anyway...that all went fine until he sent me a finger-wagging text about how compassionate care is an ever-changing situation and he would take the kids no questions asked when/if I am ever in the same situation. Ummm... F*CK YOU XH!! While you were out faking your medical treatments in 2016 and 2017, I was single parenting, working full time and travelling to the Island to look after my dying mother who required WAY MORE care than OW does. XMIL was just over there and they were going for walks and out for dinner. That was impossible with my mom who needed help to move around in her home and was confused and sad and DYING. It was an awful, awful time and he could have cared less. I went through way worse with way less support. What an a$$ to have the gall to say that to me. Anyway, I nicely (way nicer than he deserved) reminded him and told him he doesn’t get to own the market on this one. Crickets in response. Yeah...you can’t defend the indefensible. He may be playing super hero now but with me he was the super villain and he knows it.
So...crazy situation happened with TDH last week. He called me during my lunch hour and as we were talking, his downstairs neighbours (a couple who argue a lot apparently) walked past him and into their basement suite. Less than a minute later we heard a scream that was so loud he dropped the phone and ran to their door to get in but it was locked so he ran upstairs to pick up the phone to call 911. His 79 year-old mother, however, stopped him from dialing and told him she didn’t want trouble from the guy (he’s a pretty intimidating looking guy and she was worried about making an enemy of him and being harassed after TDH moves out) and to let them work it out. So he didn’t call but it was really bothering him so he went out to the back step and called me. He told me what happened and that things were quiet downstairs now and the door was slightly ajar. They had been in pajamas (odd for adults) when they walked by so he thought maybe they had been drinking and were sleeping it off. I, of course, being the true crime buff that I am, went straight to worse case scenario. “Do you know how many shows I’ve watched where the neighbours heard a scream or a strange noise but then didn’t call because when they went to listen and it was silent? Silence isn’t good!!! People don’t scream like that for no reason. I also reminded him that his gut reaction was to run down there and that he knew something wasn’t right. Anyway... we talked about it for a few more minutes and I told him I would call 911 if he didn’t even though I wasn’t there. Or he could be the good neighbour, knock on the door and check on them like he would want someone else to do if it was his sister and she screamed like that. I think that resonated with him because he said that he was going to go check on them and then call me back. I had a meeting to sign on to so didn’t think much more of it until afterwards and he still hadn’t texted or called. I sent him a text asking if things were okay. Another hour went by. Another text that I was worrying now and to please let me know he is okay. Finally, a full three hours later, I texted him that if he didn’t text me soon, I was going to call the police to check on him. Fifteen minutes later, I get a text... “She was stabbed. I crawled to her on the floor.” At that point, I thought he was messing with me until he sent me another text saying she was at the hospital in emergency surgery and that he found her wheezing and gasping for air. Apparently when he went down there, he knocked at the door for a bit but when no one answered, he yelled that he was coming in to make sure they were okay and saw her lying on the floor as soon as he walked in. He slipped because there was so much blood. He says he panicked because he didn’t know if the guy was still there and if he was about to be stabbed himself (he found out later that the guy had taken off when he heard TDH running up the back stairs). He called 911 and the police arrived in full gear with semi-automatic weapons.
He was still in shock when I finally talked to him. He credits me with saving her life because he isn’t 100% sure he would have gone down there if I hadn’t been on the phone with him talking about worst case scenarios. His mom was pretty clear she wouldn’t have gone down and was apparently yelling at him not to go when he finally did. Needless to say, she was in shock too. Even though I had convinced him that something bad could have happened, none of us expected him to walk into what he walked into. The police called me that night for my statement and oddly enough, even victim’s assistance called me to make sure I was okay. I’m fine, I was just on the phone with the scream happened. TDH, on the other hand, is struggling. It’s not like the movies. When you witness something like that, it is an assault on all of your senses so he keeps hearing the sounds of her struggling to breathe and the smell of blood. And the fear he felt when he thought the guy might still be in the house and going to stab him for coming into the house. He’s not sleeping and has been having bad dreams when he does sleep. He’s feeling guilty too, that he didn’t follow through with the 911 call when he went to make it the first time. Even though she is still alive, she would have had a better chance of survival had he gotten her help sooner and I know that is weighing on him. However, the officer I talked to told me that, in her experience, the vast majority of people would not have gone down there and would not have called 911 so he is a hero in her books. I have relayed that to him a few times. Anyway... he has an appointment with a counsellor today so hopefully that helps.
So...that’s my update. All in all, doing pretty well. (((HUGS))) to all of you in DB Land.
Omigosh! I can imagine TDH's crisis. His inner instinct was to call 9-1-1. He let himself be talked out of that by his mom. He let himself be talked into it by you. The consequences of calling sooner or not at all would've been huge.
So he didn’t call but it was really bothering him so he went out to the back step and called me.
I hope he realizes his agency in this. His initial instinct was to call 9-1-1. When he was talked out of calling 9-1-1, he called you--I bet a part of him wanted to be talked back into taking action. We seek the support we want. The same way WW partners change-up their friends to find people who support their new lifestyle. The same way I've been changing up my friends as I strive to be more genuine about who I am with others. You both were amazing. He saved someone's life doing what the officer says (and I believe) the vast majority of people would not have done. Props.
Good job, DV! You saved a life!!
Check out Murder on Middle Beach on HBO - true crime doc, fascinating.
good Lord! so glad you put the bug in his ear to call. I hope the woman has a complete recovery and they get the guy who did this.
Glad TDH is going to counseling around this.
xoxo
PS - TDH has some good traits!
So...an update. Sadly...TDH’s neighbour passed away on Thursday morning. He called me that morning because the crisis counsellor had called him out of the blue and was coming over with a detective and he knew they likely had bad news. They told him she had been in a medically-induced coma for a week and had never regained consciousness. She had “catastrophic” injuries...her boyfriend had stabbed her in the lungs and slit her throat. It is now a murder case and TDH has had to make numerous statements and has had reporters calling him. His mom is now scared to be alone and is having nightmares of the victim chasing her and trying to kill her. Likely stems from her guilt that she did not want TDH to go downstairs or call the police and initially stopped him from doing so. Anyway, he is having some PTSD symptoms so is going to see a counsellor. He’s coming over on Tuesday to help me with prepping my house to sell and his mom is going to spend some time wtih TDH’s sister. I think we are going to tackle the garage which needs some organizing and a fresh coat of paint on the walls. Hopefully it will help him to be away from all of the attention and the crime scene tape.
CW - He does have some good traits, no doubt.
Bttrfly - They actually caught the guy about 30 minutes after TDH called 911. He was in a different community by then though so there are two police forces involved and now the integrated homicide investigative team which makes three. TDH has had to meet with detectives from all three so had had to make a lot of statements. It’s a pretty open and shut case so hopefully there won’t be a trial so TDH won’t have to go to court to testify.
KML - I will check that out. I am a big time fan of true crime...not that it happens but I just find it interesting. Probably why I work for forensics.
What an awful ordeal to go through. He did what most wouldn't, but he will probably feel some guilt for awhile (for not helping sooner). Wow!
You describe the injuries as "catastrophic"--lungs and throat. I hope that gives TDH consolation that arriving earlier (but after bad guy left, of course, or he'd be another victim instead of helping) wouldn't have changed the outcome. I'm rooting for him. Sad to walk away with baggage from a good deed. I hope tackling the garage helps!
Thanks Harvey & CW. I think you are both right... a little bit of guilt but also a recognition that her injuries were such that it was unlikely she would have survived even if help had arrived a bit sooner. TDH seems to still be processing. His sleep was pretty disrupted when he first arrived at my house (up at 3 a.m. wandering around) but he seemed to settle more as the week went on so I think getting away from the scene of the crime was helpful. We got my garage organized but stopped short of painting it for reasons I will outline in the next part of this post...lol.
Strange twist in the saga that is my life.... Got an unexpected text on Saturday morning from XH. He advised me that his mom was having second thoughts about selling our house. I guess the prospect of moving at 83 years old started to feel too overwhelming. Anyway, long story short, he asked me what it would take to buy me out of my half of the house. So I calculated what I was expecting to get on the open market and we ended up settling for a bit less if he agreed to list his house with my twin sister (his suggestion since she would be out a commission not listing my house). The lesser amount really wasn’t that much of discount as it would have cost me that much in commission and the expense of continuing to fix every little thing that is wrong about the house [he told me not to bother]. We did a virtual handshake and he will be listing his house in a few weeks. It’s a seller’s market right now and his house is fairly new so I predict I will be out of my house by June. I was hoping to spend some of the summer there but the trade off is that we will definitely be able to start our build when we wanted to. And...my kids are happy they get to live in the house that they love 50% of the time and at the new house the other 50%. My son can no longer say that I lied to him when I told him it would be his forever home. Anyway...I will miss my ocean view but am happy my kids will be still be enjoying it. It’s as close to a win-win as you can get.
Oh that's really great! Win/in and you don't have to paint the garage! Love it!
Hi All. It’s been awhile. I sat down a few days ago to write an update but then lost it somehow and didn’t have the energy to start over. Still don’t have the energy but here goes...lol.
So...I haven’t written in awhile because I’ve been struggling with making a decision that I’ve been putting off. While I still think TDH is a really great person, I have become increasingly aware that I’ve been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. The past month or two, we’ve been unable to talk about anything more significant than the weather without getting into a serious disagreement. We just do not have the same belief system at all. I believe in education, science, and facts that have been established through research. He thinks beliefs and facts are the same thing
It came to a head on the weekend. He texted me that there is probably going to be a trial over the murder that happened downstairs and that they were claiming he was “insane” [not criminally responsible due to a mental disorder] and that it is BS. I told him that there might be something to it given what he said had happened that morning when the police had been called because the guy was distraught and crying in his driveway at 5 a.m. I said there would be a thorough assessment and they would figure it out. He then responded with “the people doing the assessing should be re-educated”.
For those of you who may not be aware, I spent eight years working in a facility that assessed and treated NCRMD youth who had committed violent offences and another 15 years working in mental health. Currently I am back working in forensics. I have been part of those assessments.
So...I explained to him that people who are seriously mentally ill tend to be people that no one wants to be around. They are suspicious and paranoid and unfriendly and sometimes they hide what is going on inside their minds quite well. People see signs of deterioration but often don’t know what it is they are seeing. We had a guy here years ago who murdered his three kids in a psychotic state. There were people who noticed a change in him and his behaviour but they just chalked it up to him being introverted and kind of a jerk. It wasn’t until after the murders that they realized just how ill he was.
His response to that... “you can read all the books you want...I know”. Ummm...I started out my career reading books but 95% of what I know is lived experience and he knows it. Suffice it to say, that did not go over well with me. It was kind of the last straw, to be honest. I ended up telling him that I just don’t think we are a good match and we are only going to continue to frustrate each other because neither of us are going to change. There are a few other incompatibilities as well (i.e. his drinking habits, the distance, etc...) but I didn’t go into those.
Anyway...now that I’ve finally made a decision, I feel like a weight has lifted. I feel bad because TDH is sad and didn’t want to break up but I know it is for the best. It is hard to let someone who loves you go but I would have only wanted to change him and even if he managed to make those changes, he would ended up resenting me for it. Better he find someone who is more like him.
Having said that, I have no regrets. He is, at his core, a good guy and we did have some fun together. I hope we can be friends in the future but given our differences, that’s unlikely to happen. We’ve exchanged a few texts but it’s awkward at this point. He is struggling and I want to comfort him but I know I would only make things worse if I tried and it might give him false hope. I definitely don’t want that. I’ve made up my mind and there is no going back.
Well...that’s the update. I have other things I could write about but I’ll save that for another post. (((HUGS)))
So...I haven’t written in awhile because I’ve been struggling with making a decision that I’ve been putting off. While I still think TDH is a really great person, I have become increasingly aware that I’ve been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. The past month or two, we’ve been unable to talk about anything more significant than the weather without getting into a serious disagreement. We just do not have the same belief system at all. I believe in education, science, and facts that have been established through research. He thinks beliefs and facts are the same thing
((DV)) - I think you made the right choice. It took courage and compassion - both for yourself and for him.
The first woman I dated seriously was great. Kind, family oriented, passionate. But it was also a square peg / round hole situation along with some unresolved baggage on both sides. She had the courage to break it off and take responsibility for it even though I was at least as culpable for pushing things too fast and trying to force something that wasn't to be. My son mentioned to me the other day how much he liked her. She really is a great person, just not the person for me.
I am grateful to her for that and hope that TDH will in time come to feel the same way.
Thank you for saying that Andrew. I hope you are right. It really was a difficult decision because there are a lot of things about him that I really did love and admire. But the things that I didn’t like would have become bigger over time. One thing that did get bigger was his drinking. He’s the kind of person that if there is a bottle of alcohol in the house, he can’t leave it alone until it is gone. I have bottles that have been in my cupboard for years. I mentioned to him that it bothered me he could drink so much (and not seem drunk). He told me it is just because when he visits me, he feels like he is on vacation but that he agreed he was drinking too much. This last visit, I challenged him to make it a “dry” visit. He told me “no problem”. Pretty quickly after he arrived, he borrowed my car to go to the store to get some Diet Pepsi which he proceeded to drink the rest of the night. I was impressed. He wasn’t drinking alcohol. The next morning, I found an empty bottle of Rye that wasn’t there the night before. So he had been drinking the entire time.
The day we were going to paint my garage, I found a full 26er of Fireball (his favourite) in an odd spot. He acted really surprised that it was there. I was so preoccupied with getting things done around the house, I took his surprise at face value but later on, when I was less busy, I realized he had hidden it out there so he could sneak off and take drinks of it. After finding it, I put it in my cupboard and it was 3/4 empty about four hours later when I opened the cupboard again. The next morning, the bottle was gone. I didn’t see him take a drink of it once and he never appeared drunk. If I drank 1/4 of that, I’d be passed out (I’m assuming...never drank that much before). That tells me his system is pretty used to alcohol. He also has a horrible memory (like a 90 year old) and I suspect it might have something to do with how much he drinks.
Anyway... whenever I brought up concerns about what I was seeing, he agreed that he was drinking too much but in denial about it being a problem. When you are hiding bottles of alcohol at your girlfriend’s place, it’s a problem - a problem that I don’t want or need in my life. There were some other things too and over time the cons started to outweigh the pros and I knew I needed to end it. It sux that it wasn’t a mutual decision but he and I have both been through worse so I know he will be okay in the end.
Dear Deja,
Sorry for your breakup. It’s hard when you care about them and they don’t want it. I really liked TDH from your descriptions, but it sounds like there was a lot that wasn’t matching—the distance, finding little that’s fun to talk about during your calls, not respecting your beliefs re: criminality when you have experience in the system, and alcoholism. Yes, finishing a bottle that you’ve hidden on a supposedly “dry” day puts it at a serious level, as does being so accustomed to it he didn’t appear particularly drunk.
Re: Drinking 1/4 bottle, hmm, tolerances do vary by body weight and genes. I’ve known women very affected by 2 shots (3oz) and it took 4 (6oz) to affect me significantly. (Behaviorally visible—separate from driving/fine motor skills). Although, I bet my tolerance is lower now -50#. No desire to buy/drink 1/4 bottle and re-test, lol.
"Never do anything you are reluctant to explain to your Maker, your auditor or your wife" ...
It's interesting how things come out about people we date when we choose to end it. Those things we willingly overlook because we want to believe the best in someone.
But like Ginger's former BF and his heavy pot use, my ex girlfriend's hoarding, we gloss over things, especially when talking about them to others that perhaps we should have a harder stance on.
Whether it was a secret drinking problem, secret smoking problem or heck, a secret Pokemon problem it's still a problem. Any time that someone has to hide something or lie that, to me should be a solid no-go. Especially after being called out on it and then they persist. If he had been open and said that he really needed that drink to relax that would be different in my own opinion.
Unfortunately I believe that it is incredibly common for people to conceal things that would upset others. Some people regard these as innocent white lies and I think that it would be pretty much impossible to find someone who doesn't do that.
I'm very proud of you DV for being strong.
Good job, DV! The drinking alone is reason enough - hiding bottles in the garage is definitely alcoholic behavior. But the dealbreaker for me would have been the anti-intellectualism and simplistic view of the world. I know there are a lot of people like that out in the world, but they really wouldn't be a match for me. And he's not a match for you either.
He reminds me of a guy I once dated, known here as Mr Big Lots (because he picked me up when I was shopping in Big Lots, and he was 6'6" of tall dark and handsome). I don't know if he was an alcoholic, but I remember being surprised to find him at home alone with a shot of scotch in the middle of the day. He's not a conspiracy theorist but his world pretty much revolves around fishing on his days off. Nothing at all wrong with that, just there weren't too many other interests. Add in the fact that he was an unreliable Love Avoidant, and I cut him loose pretty quickly. He makes a much better friend than a boyfriend.
Thanks everyone. Yes...KML...I think he would make a better friend than partner and I hope we can be that to each other one day. He really is a good person...would give you the shirt off his back. I think he really did love me a lot but he has some issues I’m just not prepared to take on at this stage of my life. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and he is living life like I did when I was in my 20’s. Well...not sure I ever lived my life that way to be honest. Actually he is living his life a lot like SD21 only he is a parent and 25 years older than her. I’m self aware enough to know that someone is not a good match with me. I don’t need someone who agrees with everything I say but he should be capable of critical thinking and smart enough to know what he doesn’t know. Like my BIL said when he had to come over because I was sure that TDH was going to destroy our pressure washer trying to start it (lots of buttons that he was pushing with seemingly no understanding of what he was doing)...”Nothing more dangerous than a confident man who has no idea what he is doing.” So back to the drawing board...lol. I’m okay though. Getting increasingly comfortable with the idea of being single for an extended period of time...lol. (((HUGS))) to all!!
So...life is strange... I’m a little bit hesitant to post this latest update because I suspect there might be some strong opinions coming my way but here goes...
Went for a short trip to Costco on Tuesday. Usually I go with my sister after work but I just had a couple things on my list so I thought I’d pop in on my lunch hour. Also in need of some new tires although I ended up forgetting about that...lol. Long story short, I ran smack dab into Brook. Yep...haven’t talked to him since last June or laid eyes on him since January 2020. But there he was. Hard to miss even with a mask. Anyway...could not avoid him and, to be honest, I still had some regrets over my reactivity back when we were regularly talking and still think he is probably a good guy who was just going through something so it felt like an opportunity for a corrective experience - for both of us. I wasn’t proud of my behaviour back then so it was nice to be able to have the opportunity to get rid of that negative regretful feeling I would get when something reminded me of him. So I took a deep breath and said “hi” and we both stopped and caught up a bit on each other’s lives.
Turns out, his suspicion that his ex had been cheating on him with his friend was confirmed the week we were supposed to have our first date. His “friend” has since sold his house and has moved in with his ex in their family home with Brook’s girls and they are doing the renovations that Brook always wanted to do but his ex didn’t. [I also realized in our conversation that he had only moved out of the family home two months before we started talking which kind of explains why his feelings were all over the map.] So...that was a tough pill to swallow but just when he got to the point where he felt he was over it, his older brother committed suicide (this past November - wasn’t on FB so I had no idea). His brother had been suffering with chronic migraines and felt like he was a burden to his wife and 6 year-old son. Everyone knew he was depressed but unfortunately no one knew he was suicidal. Brook’s parents are really struggling with the loss so he’s been spending more time with them and with his nephew. Hasn’t dated at all. Just focusing on self care and his family. He did get a permanent position with the hospital again so that’s one good thing that has happened. Although his youngest will be graduating in 2022 so he is seriously considering moving as both his daughters will be attending school out of town (in my town actually). Anyway...it was really, really good to see him so I told him if he ever wanted to chat, to feel free to message me and left it at that.
The next day I got a message from him at lunch asking me if he was remembering correctly that we had talked the day before. Uh...yeah. He then goes on to tell me that he had gone for a motorcycle ride after he got home and had gotten into an accident. Somehow he got back on his bike and drove home but his buddy insisted he go to emergency because he was “out of it”. He was there until 4 am and they diagnosed him with a concussion and some cracked ribs. He was concerned because he was experiencing some memory loss from the day before and everything was really foggy.
We ended up chatting a bit more and he has contacted me a few more times since with random jokes and musings. Our favourite teacher passed away this week so we have been reminiscing about him as well. This teacher was the BEST. To know him was to love him. He was just the kind of person who emanated love and positive regard for his students. I remember thinking he was pretty old when he taught me and then when I did the math, I realized he was exactly the age I am now...lol. That was a sobering revelation.
Anyway...before you guys send me all kind of warnings, please don’t worry. I am NOT getting all caught up in this the way I did a year ago. I learned my lesson last time. I am focusing on my move and on building my home. If he and I are going to have anything more than an online texting friendship, he’s going to have to be the one to make the effort to get together. I am done trying to force anything with anyone. These days, I am actually way more comfortable with the idea of being single, to be honest. I’m always going to have company since I’m moving in with my sister and BIL so I know I won’t be alone. If someone new comes into my life, that would be great but I’m not looking for it right now. No online dating. Just gonna go with the flow and have faith that what is meant to be will be.
Also heard from TDH yesterday. He texted “hi” and “this [censored]”. I didn’t know what to say so I just said “hi” back and “sorry”. I really, really hate hurting him. He is a good guy but I know 100% that I made the right decision. It was never going to work out. My only regret is that I didn’t break up with him earlier. My intuition had been screaming at me for some time so I agonized about it for way too long - worrying that I was somehow being too picky or not seeing the situation clearly. But there were just way too many fundamental differences between us...the drinking and the denial about the drinking was only the final nail in the coffin. I hate that he is hurting though. Everything in me wants to reach out to comfort him but I know that would be more about making myself feel better. Ultimately it would only be running the risk of giving him false hope and prolonging the pain. I keep telling myself that he got over the implosion of a 17 year marriage so he will get through this.
So...that’s the latest in DV Land. It’s a beautiful afternoon. Gonna do some cleaning and take my dog for a walk...maybe make my son come with me...lol. (((HUGS))) to all!!!
Wow - that's a whole lot to unpack about Brook! Now that he's had a head injury - be aware. Can lead to depression, cognitive problems. (Says the ex-wife of the guy with 6 concussions).
At least now you know it was never about you. So very sad about his brother.
You did the right thing and the brave thing. I know you saw other reasons to break up with him before the alcohol thing, but the alcohol thing is pretty serious. He seems to be a full blown alcoholic. I figure the reason why he needed to sneak it at your house too, is because he would withdraw if he didn't. There are alot of alcoholics on my unit with withdrawl and liver failure. All with the same patterns. You dodged a bullet there. You don't want that around your kids. I am sure he is a good soul and person, but he seems pretty troubled. He is an unemployed alcoholic and that can't be good for anyone. I hope he chooses to get the help he needs
As far as Brooke, be careful. You got pretty attached to the idea the last time, A friendship does sound like a really good idea, though. Your guy will come along one day, and you will have no doubts, and he will stick around, not come and go. You got this, girl
Thanks you guys. The weather this weekend was fantastic. Made sure I got outside with my dog and my kids even though I usually had to bribe them with a treat...lol. Spent Sunday doing some chores and went over to sister’s to help her empty a couple closets in preparation for me and the kids moving in. Yikes. I thought I had a lot of stuff. My sister has A LOT of stuff. Trying not to get too overwhelmed but it is hard not to. Was texting with XH about it today. He is feeling somewhat the same. I’ve seen him more in the last two weeks than I did all of 2020. It’s been fine. We’ve had some good conversations (primarily move logistics and kids) and shared a couple of laughs. Amazing...when you get over someone, you really are OVER them. Feels great to finally get there. Onwards and upwards.
Today was laundry day and a Costco run. Ordered my new tires. Had my sister over for dinner cause BIL was working late. We walked our dogs and tried to come up with a game plan. Really depends on XH’s dates. I feel like once we have a deadline to work towards, we will get it done. It’s going to be a crappy month but we’ve agreed to just keep our eye on the prize. It will all seem worth it when we’re sitting on our dock sipping margaritas.
Exchanged a couple texts with Brook today. He told me he spent the day yesterday at the lake with his daughters. Chatted for a couple minutes and then he had to go to a doctor’s appointment to get a note for work. I am glad we are talking again but I’m definitely just taking things at face value and going with the flow. What will be will be. (((HUGS))) to all!!
Hi Deja,
Great update! Seems positive on all fronts. I hope to get where you are with my ex-wife someday!
Thanks CW. I can’t say that I am always 100% without any negative feelings towards him...more like 95% with 5% remaining for the five years he stole from me before he was outed. Keeping the focus on my kids and what is best for them definitely helps. That and really enjoying the life I am living now.
I'm sorry for your break-up with TDH, but you seem to be handling it really well. Alcoholism is nothing to play with and it can certainly be difficult when the person who is drinking and hiding alcohol won't even admit there is a problem. I think someone already said this, but I would just say proceed with extreme caution where Brook is concerned. It would be easy to get swept up in that and not likely see a very different end than last time.
Thanks Dawn.
The decision to end things with TDH was a difficult one. He is a good person and I believe he really did love me. There were just too many practical differences, however, that I knew I could not live with long term. World views, alcohol consumption, smoking (he said he was quitting the entire time but I never saw him make a real effort), spending habits (especially when he isn’t working), casual attitude toward most things of importance that don’t directly affect him, etc... I knew deep down that there were just too many things I would have wanted him to change and it would have only led to resentment on both sides. Better to walk away when the stakes are relatively low.
Re: Brook. I am in a different place now. I realized last time I got way too caught up with the romance of the idea that the first boy I remember being in love with (as much as you can be at 14...lol) could turn out to be the last. Great story but way, way ahead of the reality. I have both feet firmly planted in reality this time so not reading anything into my communication with him. We share a lot of similar experiences and interests and could become good friends but that’s as far as it goes for now. I am treating him like I treat my other friends. When they contact me, I respond. When something funny or interesting happens, I might reach out to share a laugh or a story but don’t go beyond that. If I get a reply, great, if not, I assume they have other things going on and don’t take it personally. Like I said, if Brook wants to explore the idea of this becoming more than a friendship, he is totally capable of asking me out. I am definitely not going to be the one to do that this time. I learned my lesson on that one. Like Ginger said, the right person will come along when they are meant to. Maybe that’s him, maybe it’s someone else. I remain open to all possibilities including the one that has me being on my own. I’ll be okay no matter what.
Deja, may I ask you something? In my prior relationships, if all goes well within 1 month we are usually exclusive, within 3 months ILU, within 6 months we've made future plans. I tend to get "stuck" at that point--I have many relationships that lasted for years that should have ended much sooner, but it's so hard to give up without trying everything when you love someone and you've promised each other forever. I'm curious how you simultaneously got close and committed enough for a relationship as long as you and TDH, while maintaining enough distance to step away when it was right. Maybe physical distance helped, or maybe you have some relationship skills I need to learn and apply in my life!
Hmmm...that’s an interesting question CW. I think that the break up of my marriage has changed me somewhat. I don’t promise forever anymore...doesn’t mean I don’t hope for it but I definitely don’t promise it. In this particular case, I do think the distance was a factor as I was already spending 80 per cent of my time without him so I knew breaking up wasn’t going to make a huge difference in how I’ve been living my life day-to-day. I also became very aware of our differences, in terms of our world views, quite early on so I think that was in the back of my mind the entire time. I think I was committed to giving us a fair chance because there were a lot of other things that did make us a good match and I do think he is a good person with a big heart.
TDH and I had actually had a few discussions about my concerns prior to the break up so he was well aware of my fear they may ultimately prove to be a deal breakers in the long run. Consequently, I don’t think either of us were ‘all in” and planning any big moves. Mostly we had agreed to live life in the moment and see what happens. But, over time, as I became more aware of the other issues apart from that, it was getting a lot harder to maintain that outlook. I realized that staying with the “wait and see” approach was ultimately doing a disservice to myself and to him. After our last disagreement, I knew in my heart of hearts that we weren’t going to work out and that putting it off was only prolonging the pain. I didn’t need to do a lot of explaining...he knew where I was coming from.
I’m not sure if you need to add a relationship skill so much as you need to engage in a regular practice of self reflection. What helped me is asking myself this question... “If this was a friend in the exact same situation, what advice would I give to them?” I had absolutely no question about what advice I would give once I was able to I step outside of myself and look at things objectively. So I followed it and I know it was the right thing to do.
Ultimately I think what a lot of us on here struggle with is how to open up and be vulnerable enough to let someone in without giving them the power to send us into an emotional spiral when/if it doesn’t work out. I think that is something I’ve gotten better at doing over time. I’ve never had a problem with the first half of that equation...I’m open and vulnerable with almost everyone I meet. It’s just who I am. I have very, very few walls built up even though one can argue that I should given all that has transpired in my life. The emotional spiral part is a continual work in progress, for sure, but it is getting easier over time. Anyway...I do tend to ramble so I’m not sure if that answers your question but I hope so. Happy to keep talking about it though.
Well...up at 5 a.m. on a Saturday. Oh what I wouldn’t give to be able to sleep in again. Even a couple of hours would be nice. There are some pluses...I get to have some relaxation time before I have to get up and get on with my day. I’ve also seen some beautiful sunrises. I’ve been making a point of looking at those knowing that I won’t be seeing them once I move to my sister’s. I will really miss my ocean view but am keeping my eye on the prize. The weather has been really nice lately and I’ve driven by the lake fairly often. It looks beautiful and peaceful and it still doesn’t seem real that it will be my backyard in a year (hopefully) or two. Trying not to be overwhelmed by all of the work and decisions that have to be made between now and then.
XH’s house went on the market Thursday. I’ve never been past XH’s front door so I checked out the pictures online. It is nice. They’ve obviously done a lot of extra work to make it that way. The back yard is especially nice. Clearly XH decided that he did care about doing yard work after all. For our entire marriage, he loathed it. All he wanted to do was work on his car and if you asked him to help out with anything, he would do it but very, very begrudgingly. Looking at that yard, it is hard to believe it is the same guy who literally screamed at me that he would never give a f*ck about the lawn and that if I wanted it mowed, I would need to tell him because he would never look at it and think “that lawn needs to be mowed”. Hence why I mowed it 95% of the time. Seeing that house really did underscore my theory about why XH was such a pill when we were married. His house with OW is the first place he has lived without his mom and was 100% his. I think he finally felt like an adult fully in charge of his life and so he stepped up. It will be interesting to see how things go when he and OW move back in with his mom. When he left, he spontaneously told me that he couldn’t stand living with me AND his mom any longer. He would deny it now but I think he was being 100% honest (for once). I think he has since convinced himself that he was so irritated with his mom because he wasn’t happy in his marriage. I think he is fooling himself. I watched it for 13 years from the worst place possible...solidly stuck in the middle. Good luck OW. You’re going to need it.
Been really busy at work lately. Just some really high needs youth involved with my clinic who require lots of time spent in meetings. The age old question...how do you keep a kid safe when he doesn’t want help? What often happens is you throw every service and support you can think of and nothing seems to work. Eventually people start to point fingers at other people in the group because their anxiety is so high they need to find someone to blame or accuse of not doing their job. In my experience, people are usually doing the best they can with the resources they have but the reality is that no program can replace what most of these kids are missing... a reliable, loving, predictable and safe environment when they were little and too often, a mother who didn’t abuse substances when she was pregnant with them. Trauma and neglect combined with low cognitive functioning is an awful combination. It is an almost impossible task...”parenting” by committee. Spent much of yesterday explaining to people the realities of the Mental Health Act and how you can’t hold someone against their will because of what they MIGHT do. Minority Report was just a movie.
Have heard from TDH only once in the last ten days. A text on Tuesday about how his son is starting a new school program. I responded that it was good news but didn’t invite a conversation. I haven’t reached out at all. Knowing what I know about recovering from break ups, he needs time and space. I don’t want to run the risk of giving him false hope. I am 100% certain I made the right decision. There were just too many differences between us. Even though we really liked each other as people, we were fundamentally incompatible with respect to a long term relationship. My only regret is that I didn’t end it as soon as I knew that. I spent too much time trying to deny my intuition...worried I was being too picky or not seeing things clearly or placing too much importance on things that aren’t important. Now that some time has passed, I’ve realized I was doing none of those things.
Since running into Brook, I have heard from him almost every day. He texted me yesterday morning that he knew it was my late father’s birthday and he was sending me positive vibes as he assumed it was likely a tough day for me. We chatted for a bit. We have never really directly talked about what happened last year. Yesterday I commented that it was nice talking to him again and that I didn’t want to rehash any misunderstandings we had had but that I hoped we could basically start over and build a friendship. He agreed and said it “sounds perfect” and that he is in a way better place now than he was a year ago. So...we’ll see. Not going down the rabbit hole of getting caught up in the narrative about how cool it would be if my first love ended up being my last love. Been there, done that. Just taking one day at a time and being open to whatever the universe has planned for me.
Anyway...that’s my update. Hope all is well out there in DB Land. (((HUGS))) to all!
Well...I have my move out deadline. XH sold his house for around $200,000 more than what he paid for it two years ago (the market is crazy here right now!!) so buying me out won’t be that onerous financially. Feels strange. On one hand, I am excited to be taking another step towards building my lake house. On the other, I will be leaving the home that I moved into thinking I would be here forever. So...some mixed emotions even though I know I am 100% doing the right thing and that this is a wonderful step forward. When I am finally not sharing a house with MIL, I will finally feel fully divorced. Not that I have been hanging on to XH in any way because I definitely have not been. It is just hard to be completely separate from your ex when his mom is always lurking. I know things I don’t want to know and see things I don’t want to see. I need to move on and I know when I leave, it will ultimately feel like a weight has lifted. Hard to believe it was only four years ago that we moved here as a family. So many changes since then... Anyway...keeping my focus on the positives. Happy my kids don’t have to lose this house. It will be weird for them to wake up in the morning and see OW here instead of their mom but they will eventually adjust.
Speaking of...they are heading to their dad’s after school today after almost three full months with me. Neither of them want to go...they have remembered how much nicer it is to live in one place. Not gonna lie...looking forward to having a break from parenting so I can start focusing on my move out plan. Also SD21 is moving out on the weekend so I need to help her with that. She’s also been struggling a bit emotionally so want to be there for her. She wants to move and be more independent but I know she is sad about it too. She came into my room on Saturday morning wanting some “mom time”. D13 is really sad she is leaving. The two of them have bonded significantly and she is a big support to D13.
Anyway...just a brief update. Hope all is well in DB Land. (((HUGS))) to all!
Time for another check in. Got SD21 moved out...mostly. She gave me a tour of her new home. She is renting a room in a house with five other 20-somethings...mostly university students. Two guys that live in the basement and four girls upstairs. She doesn’t know anyone so it is a bit like moving into a dorm for the first day. I have a ton of great memories living in dorms so I’m hoping she has fun too. I couldn’t help but notice about six garbage bags full of empties on the back deck. Hoping it took them a year to accumulate...lol.
Spent Saturday running errands and then had dinner at my sister’s and we went through some boxes we hauled out of her storage locker that were left over from my mom’s place. Found a ton of letters and report cards. My mom saved every letter I ever wrote to them. I found one I wrote to my parents when I was 15. I didn’t remember writing it but I do remember the incident that had prompted it. I had started hanging out with kids who were living on the edge a bit and had come home at 1 a.m. in a very loud muscle car with three of the boys. My parents were pretty worried I was going down the wrong path and we had a family meeting the next day. I thought I was going to be grounded but we talked it out and they decided to trust me. The letter I wrote thanked them for trusting me and assuring them I had a good head on my shoulders and wouldn’t get into drugs and alcohol as I loved them and myself too much. I then went on to describe each of the boys I had been hanging out with...their circumstances, their strengths and the effect my friendship was having on them. I wrote that I wouldn’t stop being friends with them because I was growing along with them and I loved watching them change for the positive. Hmmm...and I grew up to become a social worker...lol. Go figure.
It’s been almost three weeks since I started talking to Brook again. I think there have been only two days that I haven’t heard from him. It’s been nice talking to him. You’ll all be happy to know that I’ve stuck to my guns and not suggested we get together. The ball is squarely in his court and I have lots of other things to focus on. If we are meant to be anything other than casual friends, it will happen eventually. I’m just going to let fate take its course. (((HUGS))) to all.
Quiet morning at home. Kids are at their dad’s and I’m planning out my week. Only three weeks until my move so time is ticking away. Yesterday was a day for reflection. I got news that a woman I was friends with in high school passed away. I read a Facebook post she had written on Wednesday that she was heading to the hospital for an angiogram the following day and was scared...hoping nothing had changed. I sent her some words of encouragement and that I hoped she got good news. Apparently she went into cardiac arrest when she was there and they restarted her heart but then took her off life support the following morning. And that was it...leaving a husband and a 14 year-old son behind. Really makes you think about how precious life is and how we really shouldn’t waste time trying to control the things we can’t control. Just live and try to get the most out of every day we are here.
This led to me sitting out on my back deck last night staring out at the view and reflecting on the last few years. As I prepare myself to leave my “forever home”, there is lots to think about. My backyard is starting to look a lot different. XH has been over here planting fruit trees with his mom. He brought the contract of sale over for me to sign and I remarked on the changes. “What are you...a farmer now??” He kind of laughed and said “yeah”. “WTF?!? I couldn’t even get you to mow the lawn!!!” Apparently he only likes to look after plants that he can eat so OW’s son is going to have to mow...lol.
My sister and I talked about it yesterday. She spent a little bit of time with XH and OW and says their dynamic is completely different than our was. OW is much quieter and seems to just go with what XH wants. “I hate to say it DV but I think they are probably a good match.” Yeah... I’ve been thinking that myself...or at least that he and I were not. I have a strong personality. I need someone who will straight up tell me what he is thinking or what he wants and not just go along with everything and then quietly resent me for it. That just poisons a partnership. I also need to relax a bit more and not try to make things “perfect”. Been working on that one a lot.
Watching the ferry come in and staring out at the ocean, I realized that I have made it. This is what I was striving for. Forgiveness... it is such a relief to just be okay with all of it. There is a touch of sadness leaving here but also a lot of excitement with everything that is to come.
In other news... Brook has returned to working his 12-hour shifts so I haven’t heard from him as much. A year ago that would have really bothered me but now I’m just “meh”. If we are meant to be anything other than pen pals, it will happen. If not, the universe has something else planned for me. Also... had a message from TDH last night after two weeks of NC. Just a random text telling me he was playing cards with his mom and wishing me a happy “pre-mother’s day”. I thanked him and we had a brief exchange. I still feel bad for hurting him but know I did the right thing. He probably thinks that he hasn’t heard from me because I don’t care about him. In fact, the opposite is true. I know that NC is the fastest way to get over someone so it’s for his own benefit. My contacting him would only be about making myself feel better. He’s got a good support network where he is... he’ll be fine.
Anyway...that’s the latest in DV Land. Nothing too earth shattering...lol. Getting my vaccine on the 17th...finally. Was looking at the numbers on the island and we are down to 260 active cases. One third of the island’s population has had at least their first dose of the vaccine. Everyone who wants a vaccine should have had their second dose by the end of the summer so pretty happy about that. Herd immunity is the goal!!!
(((HUGS))) to all!!!
Hello DV
Yes, life is precious and nothing is guaranteed. The sudden loss of your high school friend and the left behind family does make one reflect.
My sister and I talked about it yesterday. She spent a little bit of time with XH and OW and says their dynamic is completely different than our was. OW is much quieter and seems to just go with what XH wants. “I hate to say it DV but I think they are probably a good match.” Yeah... I’ve been thinking that myself...or at least that he and I were not.
Watching the ferry come in and staring out at the ocean, I realized that I have made it. This is what I was striving for. Forgiveness... it is such a relief to just be okay with all of it.
Nice to see DV.
Forgiveness is very freeing.
If I may...
I have a strong personality. I need want someone who will straight up tell me what he is thinking or what he wants and not just go along with everything and then quietly resent me for it. That just poisons a partnership.
Need/want. Just a wee, yet significant change.
I also need to relax a bit more and not try to make things “perfect”. Been working on that one a lot.
We are all works in progress.
You strive to be accurate and mostly error free. I can relate.
Perhaps this: Don’t
try to make things perfect. Alter your definition of perfect.
Perfection is an interesting concept. An ideal that is noble to strive for and unable to be attained in our flawed mortal form. Therefore, it is the journey that matters and not the destination.
D
Thanks D. Definitely agree that it is the journey that matters. Living mindfully and with a positive focus makes that journey much better.
Mother’s Day was awesome. The kids are with XH but he dropped them off last night so we could have breakfast together. Was SHOCKED when the kids wandered in with a bouquet of flowers for me. XH had made a point of stopping at the store to make sure they had a gift for me. Can’t remember the last time he did that... Pretty sure that was a rare occurrence even when we were together. After I got over the shock, I texted him a thank you and he wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. It seems that maybe XH and I are on the same page when it comes to forgiveness and moving forward and having a good coparenting relationship. Feels good.
This afternoon, the twins and I went on a little road trip (S13 HATES road trips...too anxious about the destination and the time it takes to get there) and found ourselves in the next town at a mini golf course. And a Mother’s Day miracle happened...they got along the entire time!!! What a gift to not have to play referee for a day. When we got home, XH was working in the backyard...starting to build his chicken coop. He mentioned he was going to put in some stairs off the back deck which isn’t a bad idea but I asked him if he needed a permit. He said probably but he wasn’t getting one. My reply was, “Thank gawd you and I are divorced ‘cause that would be a big fight.” I then called him by his dad’s name because that is exactly what his dad would do...lol. We both laughed. He knows I’m not wrong.
Spending the rest of the evening at my sister’s. Guilted her into making me a MD dinner...lol. Great day!!
“May I release my ego’s need to defend myself. May I have the courage to live in alignment - walking in the integrity of my own unique path. May I forgive the parts of myself that become reactive when I’m misunderstood. May I continue to show up over and over again as I learn to trust that everything is happening to serve my evolution and the greater good of the collective.”
That's a fantastic quote!
Happy Mother's Day, DejaVu, and congratz on the flower bouquet and what that may symbolize. (:
So...eight days until moving day. Still doesn’t feel real. Not sure how I am feeling about it all. I know it is the right choice for me. I am excited about building and living on the lake. But there is a part of me that is struggling with the finality of leaving what I thought was my forever home. And then soon after XH will be moving in and it will be as it was in the beginning only I will have been replaced. It’s strange because I don’t have any feelings left for him...but I think I am still grieving the loss of my family...not just for me but for my kids. My son especially who still brings up “the divorce” as one of the major sources of sadness in his life. He is such a sensitive soul...wise beyond his years in many ways. I love him beyond measure and it breaks my heart to know that it has impacted him the way it has. D13 is a little less forthcoming but I joked with her that now we would be able to tell if it was me she is so attached to or the house. I joked with her that it is probably the house and she said, “no...it’s you mom.” Apparently her dad’s place is super quiet and she really only sees him at dinner. If he’s not in the garage working on his projects, he is in his room where OW spends most of her time. Understandable given her health issues I suppose. So it will be good that they are here with their grandma too and D13’s bestie is just up the street.
Watched a video about social media the other day and decided to take a break from it. Deleted the apps from my phone so I wouldn’t be paying so much attention to them all of the time. I gave my phone number to Brook and told him if he wanted to have an “offline” friendship, he should give me a call. Not holding my breath as it’s been a few weeks since we reconnected and he’s never once suggested we meet. And now that he is back at work, I don’t hear from him nearly as much so I would be pretty shocked if my phone rang. Still happy we ran into each other again though...regardless of how things turn out.
TDH texts me once in awhile. I always reply but don’t try to prolong the conversation. I care about him a lot but I know that it never would have worked in the long run. We were just too different. He misses me which makes me sad. I know he’ll be fine but I hate that I hurt him. Sometimes I wonder if maybe this is just an area of my life that I am destined to get wrong. I’ve been getting that anxious feeling in my chest again lately...the one that kept me up at night when my marriage first imploded. I totally understood its origin then but I don’t know where it is coming from now. Possibly the stress surrounding moving...will be glad when it is over.
Anyway...gotta get some sleep. Have to be up in five hours. (((HUGS))) to all!!!
Change - even GOOD change - is stressful. And your ex moving into the house with OW is bound to bring u some of that past trauma.
Like you, I hate hurting people's feelings. BUT remember that TDH is a grownup,not a 20 year old, this isn't his first dating rejection and won't be his last. He can handle it.
It is really rotten the pain that the kids carry forward from our partner's unfaithfullness. But the best thing you can do is model for them moving forward and living a vibrant life.
Thanks KML. I know you are right about TDH. I’ve been pretty purposeful about not reaching out to him. Time and space does its job if you let it.
Change is definitely stressful...add moving onto that and yikes!!! I drew up a schedule for myself but of course got behind due to unexpected setbacks. Went into the storage room downstairs and discovered that XH barely took anything with him but his clothes and his garage stuff. And a lot of his stuff is mixed in with mine because when my organization moved us, the packers just threw everything together. Just taking everything that is definitely mine and the boxes that seem to have mostly my stuff. MIL was making noise about me taking all the kids lego cause XH says he has a lot of stuff at his house. Ummm...he’s only been there two years and he took nothing with him. I reminded her of this and that they are just as much his kids as mine. As well, we are moving into someone else’s house so if XH wants the lego gone, he can use his talents for selling things online (which is how I think he funded his double life) and help his kids sell it. Honestly, he hasn’t changed. If it is not HIS stuff or it has a purpose for HIM, it is completely unimportant. Sorry...not playing that game anymore and definitely not playing by his rules. I’ve done the bulk of raising our kids...it’s long past time that he does his share.
Anyway...back at it. Hope everyone is having a good weekend!!
In a way, I was fortunate that we sold our house early in the separation. Since I moved in with my mom and my ex bought his beach duplex that he was already living in, stuff was split at that time. My ex pushed for it, but I was ready to move on and knew I couldn’t afford to buy him out of the house. With the exception of a single painting that he has, there’s nothing he has that I want, and nothing I have that I think he’d want. (The painting is a watercolor of our kids when they were young, commissioned by their nanny for a Xmas present. I’d like to ask him for a turn having it - I just don’t want to open the door to any discussion of the kids, or their troubled relationships with him. )
Still, I think I’ll ask soon. I have lots of wall space and he has very little. He might be happy to send it to me - room to put something more “hip and beachy” on the wall. Maybe I’ll broach the subject now, before Father’s Day, so my son could bring it home with him when he visits him.
My kids were in college so it wasn’t as complicated splitting stuff. And although I loved that house, I didn’t want to start my new life with the memories of my life there with him. My new house carries no trace of the philandering narcissist and I’m glad of it.
Luckily this house isn’t filled with too many memories of XH as he was only here for about a year. I’ve been here four years so the memories are more about me and the kids. But...we’ve got lots more memories to create in the new house so it will be fine. Just have to survive living at my sister’s place for the next year or two. Bought my first appliance for the new house on Saturday. I went to Lowe’s and they had some display models on for almost 50% off. One of them was this fridge that my sister and I have been coveting. Super high tech with a computer that can basically run your home. Also keeps track of expired foods and has cameras inside so you can look at if from your phone to remind yourself what you might need (i.e how much milk is left?). It plays music, games, and basically can do whatever your phone does. It can also find your phone.
Just have to wait until the house is built before we get to use it.
So...two days of packing and it’s been pretty slow going. It would be different if I was just packing up and moving to a new place but I’m having to amalgamate two homes into one so there is a lot of stuff to sort through and decide what to keep, what to donate and what to throw away. I am a pretty sentimental person so decisiveness is not my forte. And what the heck does one do with wedding pictures after a divorce...especially when they are literally the BEST pictures of me that have ever been taken? Day three today...tackling my bedroom and my closet. Unfortunately it’s a big closet. Tomorrow my sister is coming over and we are taking on the kitchen and the laundry room. Wednesday will be leftover stuff and then Thursday and Friday I have a moving truck booked. Thursday my BIL and I are going to be taking big furniture items for donations. Friday is when all the furniture goes to storage or the house. I’ve hired a couple of guys who have a business in town moving things and putting together IKEA furniture. My sister and BIL are realtors and have used them lots so I know they are pretty reliable. Saturday miscellaneous last minute tasks, Sunday cleaners and Monday carpet cleaners and then Tuesday XH starts his move in.
Anyway...time to get going on my room. This week cannot go by fast enough!! (((HUGS))) to all!
Good Morning DV
You are certainly busy at the moment.
I’m a sentimental person as well. I know, shocker. Lol. I live among all the memories of my past. Still in the house that XW and I first purchased, loved and raised our four kids, and lived in for 23 years. I walk and wander my yard in which we planted a special feature tree for the birth of each our children. We also planted an oak tree with the purchase of the house and the starting of our family. These trees, much like my happy memories of the past, are strong and solid.
Each of the kids’ trees are as old as they are. Those treees grew with my kids, from wee sapling to tall tree. They have withstood the many storms of life and time, have deep roots, are strong and stable, and are each unique and spectacular. (And the trees look pretty nice too. Lol)
And what the heck does one do with wedding pictures after a divorce...especially when they are literally the BEST pictures of me that have ever been taken?
I’d keep them. Especially being a sentimental gal like yourself. Mine are still on the shelf of photo albums, along with vacations and the many baby albums. Kids, grandkids, will look at them someday too. They are/will be interested in where and who they came from.
Long ago moments are perserved
Within an album they will not flit.
Upon a seldom dusted shelf
These entombed memories sit.
For years the books remain
Unopened and in dormancy.
Vanished from recollection
Becoming a way of normalcy.
Yet, the albums remain and stand
As stanchions often do.
A permanence of record
Depicting a life that was good and true.
So, let these albums sit
Dusting them once and a while.
For at some future time
You will open them and you will surely smile.
D
You know, I so enjoy reading everyone's stories and gathering words of wisdom from various people across the site and it often strikes me how in some ways, many of us are similar, while in other ways, many of us are different. We are, after all, a collection of strangers from random points across the country who may or may not have connected in some degree in real life, thanks to the magic of the internet and social media.
I say all that to respond specifically to the thing about what do we do with wedding pictures. Unlike many of the people on here, my XH was not the husband of my youth. He wasn't my first love (though he WAS my first husband) and we didn't have children together. Now, I consider is children my children, but they technically have a mother who is not me. So, when it came to "what do I do with the wedding pictures?" In short, I trashed them. What do I need that reminder for? We also had a tradition of purchasing and having personalized a Christmas ornament each year of our marriage. I debated on what to do with those, but ultimately, those went to the trash as well, because odds are not terribly likely that another couple named Dawn and Mr. Dawn who got married on 10/29/2005 would be looking for a collection of random ornaments. The main reason I hesitated was that it seemed wasteful to just throw them away. Some of them I likely would've kept if there had been a way to remove the personalization without damaging the ornament, but I didn't put too much effort into it.
I did keep a few wedding pics. There is one of me and my dad that I adore, one of both of my nephews (separately) that are too precious for words, one of me and my mom where I look especially beautiful, one of just the 3 girls all dressed up and looking beautiful and happy. I kept those memories because those people will continue to be a part of my life forever, but the ones that had XH and I or just him went to the trash can. There were a few of just him or him and his family members that I offered to the girls and they took them more out of a sense of not wanting to hurt my feelings than anything. The irony of all that to me was that one of XH's biggest complaints was that when he and his first XW split, she went through and took most of the pics of the girls when they were little and left him with few not so good shots. After he moved out, NOT taking any of our joint photos, I went through and sorted photos and gave him ALL of his family photos and girls' photos and even tried to give him our wedding pics and he got mad because I kept 5 pics (I'm not exaggerating here...it was literally 5 pictures) of the girls when they were little that he had given me to me before we married. I didn't argue with him because all of our current pics were in albums on my facebook or stored on my computer anyway, so I just let him have everything. He took it all except the wedding photos.
Sorry for the long response..............sometimes I get carried away.
And what the heck does one do with wedding pictures after a divorce...especially when they are literally the BEST pictures of me that have ever been taken?
You save them for your kids.
And what the heck does one do with wedding pictures after a divorce...especially when they are literally the BEST pictures of me that have ever been taken?
Use them for your online dating profile?
You save them for your kids.
I packed up all the wedding photos into the boxes my ex-wife eventually took. In part because I was feeling very bitter.
But I also made digital copies of them which are available to my kids, neither of whom have shown much interest. As an aside, for Christmas this past year I picked up a couple of frames for my son, printed off some pictures and stacked them up in each frame so that he could choose which pictures he wanted to display. One wasn't a surprise, he chose a pencil sketch of our living room done by a very talented and very bored baby sitter about 20 years ago. The other frame I originally had a picture of him and his sister but he chose the copy of my parent's wedding photo.
Thanks everyone... and for the poem D!! I’ve decided to keep the wedding photos for now. Mostly for my kids...so they can see that we were happy together at some point. It is hard to get rid of things. Texted a bit with my first ex the other day. He is such a good guy. Sometimes I wonder if we gave up too easily. We were together nine years and it felt like we split up with not a lot of effort to try to save the marriage. After we split, we spent the next two years eating lunch together once a week and maintaining our friendship until I decided to move back home. I think there may have been some points in those two years when we were both having second thoughts but it was never at the same time. When one of us was feeling weak, the other one was feeling strong. He met someone shortly before I left and they ended up married and having a kid together. They’ve been separated at least ten years now and he hasn’t had a relationship of any consequence since. Anyway...we stay in touch. He tells me all the time that he thinks I am amazing. I’m kinda proud of that.
Day four of non-stop packing and every muscle in my body hurts...lol. The last three times I moved, I had movers so I had forgotten how much work this is. Wouldn’t be so bad if I just had to pack everything but there is a lot of sorting and recycling and donating, etc... it is an awful lot of work. Tomorrow is my last day of packing and then Thursday and Friday is moving furniture. My BIL and I rented a truck for Thursday to donate some large furniture items. I have hired some movers my BIL knows to move all the furniture on Friday. Then I have Saturday to deal with the food.
Time to hit the hay. Super exhausted. I hit 11,000 steps today and I didn’t even leave my house...lol. (((HUGS))) to all!!!
You know, I so enjoy reading everyone's stories and gathering words of wisdom from various people across the site and it often strikes me how in some ways, many of us are similar, while in other ways, many of us are different. We are, after all, a collection of strangers from random points across the country who may or may not have connected in some degree in real life, thanks to the magic of the internet and social media.
I'd like to think if you and I (or anyone in this sub-forum) randomly started chatting at a Starbucks, wine bar, or trail our curiosity would lead us to find excuses to keep talking until we realized we should stay in touch. I hope we all connect someday outside of here. I hear Sparky makes good baked goods. Totally selfish desire.
So, when it came to "what do I do with the wedding pictures?" In short, I trashed them.
I’ve decided to keep the wedding photos for now. Mostly for my kids...
I put my album in a box in the garage where they've sat, sealed for 11 years. I didn't want to make a hasty decision--"My kids may want to see them someday?" They've never asked, but then again, I've never offered.
Time to hit the hay. Super exhausted. I hit 11,000 steps today and I didn’t even leave my house...lol. (((HUGS))) to all!!!
Good luck on your move! Glad you're getting in a workout and at least have BIL to help.
Well...all moved out with most of my sanity still intact. Many boxes to unpack now but saving most of that for the weekends as I am back at work now. It was hard to leave my home but I am keeping my eye on the future. XH is already making lots of changes. He wants to mount his tv on the fireplace so punched a hole in it in search of tv wires we both swear we were told were in there when we bought the house. We were both surprised to find out that none were to be found. He texted me this afternoon that our son has a wicked sense of humour as he made some comment about the hole in the fireplace that cracked XH up. It is nice that he sometimes texts me random things like that. We are developing a friendly coparenting relationship that I think bodes well for our kids. I told him that I hope he finds the life he wants living in that home and I meant it. OW could certainly use some better luck, that is for sure, as she’s been through the medical wringer.
Had a slight hiccup in our communications today when he texted me to ask if they had inherited the Christmas tree as well. This tree is HUGE. Literally comes in five pieces (two of which we have never used) and stands over 20 feet tall when it is put together. We bought it for $100 from Rona (big Xmas sale) and it took two trips in our Honda Element to get it home. I loved that tree but really did not have room for it so I left it in storage at the home. Anyway, I took the text as a complaint so I told him that just because he took his clothes and his garage items when he left didn’t mean that he got to leave everything else we had collected over 12 years for me to deal with and that I had already dealt with more than my share. I expected him to get upset with me in return but what I got back was... no....wrong message...I am happy about it, I was just double checking. He later followed up with “we are both grateful for everything left behind.” I told him that was a good example of why I don’t like texting and to include an emoji when the text is ambiguous like that.
Anyway...time to sleep. Lots of work piled up while I was away on my “vacation”...lol. Oh... almost forgot...there was only one new CV19 case in my area from Monday to Tuesday and 18 over the weekend which is a three-day total. We are down to less than 100 active cases for a population of just under a million. 60% of us have had at least one vaccine. Get your vaccines people. They are working!!!
A week at my sisters and so far so good. Ordered a few shelves for my room and D13’s room. Once we have those up, we will be able to fully unpack our belongings and settle in.
So I know I said I wasn’t going to do the OLD thing for awhile but Tinder kept sending me notifications on my phone and I got curious about who might be out there since it’s been almost 10 months since I was last on there. Had to enable my profile to look around and had over 300 likes by the next day. (CW…I totally believe that stat about guys swiping right on one out of 10 profiles.) Most of them were a hard no but I saw a few local ones that looked pretty interesting. One in particular… a guy close to my age who had a great smile and looked like he would be a lot of fun. He had two pics wearing uniforms. One was a paramedic’s uniform and the other was a provincial transportation organization that shall remain nameless. I swiped right and sent him a message asking him about the two uniforms and wondering if it was some kind of a government cost-sharing program that I, as a tax-paying citizen, should be aware of. He texted back awhile later saying “good one” and we ended up texting for about an hour. Single dad with two daughters and a son. Son lives with him full time and attends university. Daughters live with him half time. One is 16 and I think the other one is 21 and they are with him every other week. Interesting that the 21 year-old is still going back and forth between homes but I guess she must really want to spend time with both parents. He’s been divorced since 2014 and has had one serious relationship since then that ended in the fall but “officially” in January. OLD is a bit new to him and he’s run into some strange people but that’s pretty much par for the course. Have to kiss a lot of frogs…
CW, I think you would get on with this guy. He’s not a mountain climber like you but he does like to hike a lot. Last summer he did the Tour Mont Blanc (TMB) which is apparently on the bucket list of most hikers. A 170 km mountainous trek between France, Switzerland and Italy. He sent me many pictures…looked unbelievable. Anyway, it was a good conversation and I guess he found me interesting enough to ask me out. Nice that he doesn’t want to text for eons (unlike someone who shall remain nameless and has gone silent since I gave him my number and told him to call me when/if he wanted to actually go out). We’re going to meet next Sunday after his shift. Probably an afternoon coffee (he loves coffee as much as I do) as he is working until 3 p.m. He told me last night to text him anytime if I want to chat. I’ve decided not to do that unless he texts me first and to try not to get into too many long conversations. I have done this enough to know that it’s not a great idea to talk to someone too much before you meet face to face as it can be awkward if you have developed an online “relationship” with someone and there is no attraction in person. Been there, done that and it can be really uncomfortable to try to back pedal from too much flirting.
So…that’s the latest in DV land. Managing the move from my forever home and XH’s move in with OW pretty well. Still hard to fathom XH’s betrayal when I think back on how everything transpired but luckily I rarely do that. Some things in life aren’t meant to make sense or ever be truly understood so at the end of the day, you just have to accept it. Onwards and upwards.
(CW…I totally believe that stat about guys swiping right on one out of 10 profiles.)
I swipe right on about 3.33 in 10 profiles, lol.
Had to enable my profile to look around and had over 300 likes by the next day. Most of them were a hard no but I saw a few local ones that looked pretty interesting
Wow, just wow. I felt overwhelmed with a queue of 45, and here you are with a queue of 300!
CW, I think you would get on with this guy. He’s not a mountain climber like you but he does like to hike a lot. Last summer he did the Tour Mont Blanc (TMB) which is apparently on the bucket list of most hikers. A 170 km mountainous trek between France, Switzerland and Italy. He sent me many pictures…looked unbelievable.
I definitely approve. You have good taste, DV. If he has a twin sister, please kindly ask him to send her my way!
Women get more notifications or messages for a few reasons:
Numbers - I think OLD still skews more men than women although I imagine that is evening out a bit.
Tradition - women are conditioned not to approach men first, I know many women who will not contact a guy first even in OLD, which I think is silly but is pretty common. This would obviously result in more first contacts from men to women. (Bumble being set up as the exception to this rule I guess?)
Fishing - many men appear to not even read profiles but just cast a wide net and look to see who responds. You can usually tell because their initial message says NOTHING relative to your profile, sometimes just "Sup?". Some are just hoping for a quick hookup, some can't be bothered to do the work of reading profiles and actually seeing if you might have anything in common. I guess that's why I liked OKC, because the profiles were pretty in depth (there were several prompts) and the questionnaire you filled out resulted in pretty good matching on the algorithm.
Also - women get a huge number of likes when they first come online because a swarm of men are waiting out there for the fresh meat and automatically contact anyone new. Again, if their first message didn't mention anything unique to my profile I ignored them.
I agree KML. I definitely try to weed the trollers out pretty quickly. I always mention something about the person’s profile (because I read them all) and it definitely stands out in my head if they don’t - especially if they ask me a question that was answered in the profile. Not that I dismiss them immediately but it does usually equate to a “strike one”.
I also think it is silly for women to not want to make the first move. I’m fine with it. Bumble is interesting in that regard. My only complaint about that one is that once you swipe right, you only have 24 hours to message them and then they only have 24 hours to respond otherwise the “match” disappears. Timing is everything and with my luck, I’d message someone when they were out camping or something…lol.
The paramedic I have a date with has been in contact with me since our first discussion. He invited me to text him anytime and that his phone is always in his pocket on vibrate. Noted…lol. I didn’t contact him the day after we talked but yesterday messaged him a question (part of a joke) and he got back to me immediately. We then traded a few dumb dad jokes and had a brief conversation before we both had to get back to work. He texted me again just after dinner to ask me how my day was. I didn’t see it right away so texted him a reply 40 minutes later that my SD21 was over for a visit so the atmosphere is the house was loud and fun. I asked him how his day went and he said it went well and then said he just wanted to say “hello” and not bother me while I was spending time with my kids. Normally I would have said no bother and carried on the conversation because the kids were spending time together in my D13’s room (sibling time) but I just thanked him for saying hello and told him to have a good night. I am trying not to have too many long conversations. Just want to avoid the awkwardness that can occur when you build a connection online and then there is no attraction in person.
Anyway…hopefully things go well on Sunday but if they don’t, I won’t be crushed. I’m really not looking to get into a relationship with anyone unless it feels really, really right. I definitely feel like I’ve learned some good lessons since I started dating so definitely going to be heeding those going forward.
Well…just when I was starting to think that XH had changed, he does something to remind me that he is exactly the person he has always been. What is that parable about the frog and the scorpion? The frog asks the scorpion why he stung him after making a deal that he wouldn’t and the scorpion says “because it is my nature”. Yep…that explains XH. It is in his nature to lie - either outright or by omission. Makes no difference… a lie is a lie and he has proven to me, once again, that I can’t trust him. I do not know why I ever give him the benefit of the doubt.
So the latest… when XH and I divorced, he made a point of writing in our agreement that I had an expensive couch (about $9,000 new) and an expensive pool table to justify him wanting to keep our boat. Anyway, when I agreed to sell him my half of the house, I asked him if he wanted the couch because my kids liked it and I know that he did too. He said absolutely and even texted me last week that he and OW were grateful for the things I left behind. Imagine my surprise when I stopped by there today to give my son his cell phone and the couch was not in the living room. I asked him if he had sold it and he said he had. I told him he should have told me he didn’t want it because I would have taken it or sold it myself. He said he didn’t realize that and then basically ran away - probably because he knows what a d-bag move that was. If he truly had no idea like he claims, he would have offered me the money he made off selling it but I guess he wanted to hang onto the title of Kind of Douchebag Land that AS gave him. He took advantage of my kindness and literally stole it from me. He’s made a career of that so I guess I’m an idiot for expecting him to be any different now that he’s “happy”.
CLEARLY, he had never intended to keep it which is why there was already brand new replacement furniture in the living room and he has only been there a week. Even IF this was a decision he made shortly after moving in (which I doubt), the right thing to do would have been to let me know that they had decided to get different furniture and give me the option of keeping it or selling it myself. But he didn’t do that because doing the right thing is just not in his wheelhouse. And this is my kids’ role model. I thought we were doing really well and now I realize that it is just a facade. If he has the opportunity to rip me off or take advantage of my trusting nature, he will. It is just so disappointing. It’s not even about the money. It’s that I devoted 14 years of my life to someone who could do that to the mother of his children. It is just so upsetting.
I think it's nice of him to give you a reminder of why you are glad to be rid of him!!! I was actually grateful to my ex for being such a jerk in the last years of our marriage that when he finally left I was pretty much over it.
And yes, that was a d... move - he should have offered it back to you or given you the money from the sale. Lesson learned - no more being nice to the scorpion. (Although, to be fair, you didn't ask him for the money - I would have!)
You're definitely better off without him. This will keep you from having those moments of being envious of OW. Real prize she got!
Well… XH texted me an apology and an explanation that they had ordered the upstairs furniture weeks ago before I had offered the couch. He says they tried to move it downstairs but it was too big. He said he was going to tell me but then got really busy with moving in and that OW is struggling with her health again and needing to go for more tests so he’s been preoccupied and just didn’t get around to it. He then texted me half of the money he says he got for it. Not sure if I fully believe him but I’m choosing to let it go for the sake of the kids. It was a good reminder though KML.
Oh…forgot…update on my meeting with the paramedic. He was a super nice guy but I wasn’t attracted to him in a romantic way. Judging from the text he sent me afterwards, he was definitely more into me than I was to him which kinda sux. I really wanted to be attracted to him. Anyway… I thanked him for the coffee and told him I hoped he had a good day at work the next day and left it at that.
DejaVu, "King of Douchebag Land" certainly fits. There's really no other side to a choice like his.
The big question--how did it go with the firefighter?! I'm hoping not mentioning him means it went VERY well and you're embarrassed to tell us all the juicy details. You're XH is an X so it's okay to enjoy life again. (:
Oh…forgot…update on my meeting with the paramedic. He was a super nice guy but I wasn’t attracted to him in a romantic way.
Aww, sorry to hear that. Sometimes we can just tell in a few minutes. Other times, attraction grows (or shrinks) as we see people in different clothes, in their element, under different circumstances.
So…update time. I’ve been chatting with a local guy… 45 years old, nice looking, tall, doesn’t drink or do drugs, has a full time stable job and puts his extra overtime money into a travel fund or RRSP’s. Divorced since 2014. No kids. No pets. No drama. He likes to fish and play hockey. He even has a timeshare in Vegas!!! What?!? It’s like I found a unicorn…lol. He is also a super respectful tester. Doesn’t disappear - tells me when he has to sign off and why. He contacts me every other day to tell me to have a great day and we chat a bit before he has to go to sleep. He’s in the middle of a marathon of graveyard shifts which ends Sunday so I think we will probably get together for coffee or something like that when he has a day off. Unless I have found another guy who wants to text forever and not actually meet. I don’t think so but you never know.
Speaking of guys who just want to text forever… I hadn’t heard from Brook for a month and then all of a sudden last night, he texts me a link to a story about a store that had burned down (an iconic ice cream store that anyone from my hometown has fond memories of) and how sad it was. I returned his text to let him know I had heard and that I agreed it was really sad. He said he hoped they would rebuild and I sent him crossed fingers emojis and left it at that. Who knows if I will hear from him again. Not worried about it as I have given up on the idea of us having anything beyond an online friendship. Don’t know why it is so scary for him to have a coffee with someone he clearly had a spark with a year ago but it is what it is. We haven’t had any face-to-face contact since then with the exception of when we ran into each other so this is definitely all about him and not a personal rejection. Not going to speculate. Clearly timing is again an issue. I’ve decided that I’m leaving the door open but not walking through it myself. That’s up to him now. If he wants to actually meet in person some day, he has my number. If I’m seeing someone else by that time, it will be his loss.
Anyway.. that’s the latest in DV Land. Going to an outside get together at the home of the couple who were supposed to be going to Croatia with me. Just me, my sister, my BIL and my kids (and the dogs too) and them and their daughter. Everyone has been vaccinated so it should be pretty safe. Only three new cases on the island yesterday. 83 active cases in a population of 1,000,000. Three people in hospital and one in critical care. 75% of the adults have had at least one shot of vaccine. It’s working!!! Gonna be a great summer!!! (((HUGS))) to all!!!
Happy Father’s Day to all the great dad’s out there!!
Thanks for the holiday wishes, and glad to read your update! You are having some fun getting to know and meeting these people, whether or not this guy and you happen to click, and that’s great. (: