When your divorce is official, and friends and neighbors ask about "your husband", what do you say? "we're not together", seems to sit well with me. As for my D4, I don't know what to say. But she needs to know soon. Her dad works out of state 6 months of the year, and would "normally" be done & back around now- November. Everyone who knows us, knows this or at least asks, when is he back? I've got to tell D4 something before I start sharing with others, outside my closest circle of friends.
I have no need to contact him, other than needing to know about child support. It starts, but I don't know exactly how & when. Of course, it's in the papers. I've got a number to call for that. And a few others for assistace if need be.
This is first post on this board. I was on MLC, although myx might turnout to be a WAS. He works out of state 6 months, has been away since April. We have one child together, D4. April was the last time he saw either of us face to face. He's reached out here & there with messages for her, videos, photos etc etc. I have no idea what comes next. Xh has OW, from his past, from another country (EU), ten yr younger than him. Apparently, he contacted her a few years ago. He'd never gotten over her. Ugh...whatever..barf..barf....
I got my divorce papers in the mail Monday. He's done his seasonal 6 months of out of state work. I assume this because I got my official papers. His copy was sent here too. I'm tempted to "return to sender", and his lawyers office can send it off to him, where ever he maybe. I dont know, I dont ask. D4 has not asked either. But she will.
Now what? I just started a new part-time job. I'll have benifits in January. I am also working on getting my citizenship. We live reside in the home xh & I own. No plans to sell, we'll split it 50/50 if that happens. I have ownership of the vehicle I drive.
In the agreement, he's to cover the mortgage, which is in his name. Bills and a loan, are covered by our rental income, that I maintain & I manage. M payments, are in his name, and have been "onhold"/forbearance, due to Covid. He's covered some home insurance costs. But other than monies from our rental has covered most bills. As long as it's rented with someone that pays. Hard times 2020.
"Every New beginning comes from some other beginnings end."
Did MIL ever come to stay with you? (I remember that being a plan at one point)?
As for telling D4, I’d keep it simple and unemotional. Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to be married anymore but Daddy will always be her daddy.
What’s your response going to be if your ex wants to come and stay like he did last time when he was done with his gig?
Did MIL ever come to stay with you? (I remember that being a plan at one point)?
As for telling D4, I’d keep it simple and unemotional. Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to be married anymore but Daddy will always be her daddy.
What’s your response going to be if your ex wants to come and stay like he did last time when he was done with his gig?
Hi kml. MIL did not return. She wanted to come in June. Covid had hit her state bad. The job I almost started was apprehensive about her staying with me. I struggled to find other last minute, full-time help quick enough, locally. They hired someone else. All good. She had appointments she could break anyway.
I like what you've suggested I could say to D4. Simple.
I doubt my x will return. It'd be too uncomfortable for me to have him here.
I wouldn’t put it past ex to just show up and expect to be there while he visits D. You might want to short-circuit that by simply asking him for his forwarding address for the divorce papers. That gives HIM the opportunity to say “oh, I thought I’d just pick them up when I get there” and gives YOU the opportunity to let him know you’re not comfortable with him staying there.
Hi Can,
Just popping by to say I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you and your little D are doing. Glad you’re staying strong.
Stay safe.
had a few great conversations today with MIL & Step-MIL. My first conversation was with MIL. Started with a video chat between her & D4. Then I had a chance to chat. D4 was out of ear shot, but I asked MIL if I could call her, as to keep our conversation a bit more private. We kept the video on & mute.
I was honest and let her know the divorce was final and shared I didn't know where "Waldo" was. (New name for the X) I can only assume he was finishing his, out of state work, or done work and going home to his siblings & mom or going to EU to be with OW/xgf from his past. I was never really sure if MIL knew, but she does now. I thought Waldo told her, he had said once he may or may not have. Not sure. Well, as I was rambling on...the truth be told. Not the nitty gritty, but enough to let her know there was more to than Waldo's story than what he was tell. She was pissed. Shocked. His behavior all made more sense. And as I shared more details of the person he'd become, the not so nice guy wecuse to now, she was shaking her head in disappointment. He had become just like his dad, the not so nice parts. She was fuming. I thought she knew, and hey, maybe she did? Either way, I can talk openly about with her now.
My conversation with StepMIL, was a bit similar, but she already knows all the nitty gritty details about the OW/xgf. She didn't know the divorce was final nor did my FIL. And to my surprise, but not surprised, apparently Waldo never told his dad about the OW/xgf. I was SO pIssed. I could not believe what a coward Waldo was. But then again, poor Waldo right? Doesn't want anyone to know or judge him, so just dont say anything. Unreal. StepMIL also shared that Waldo's dad tried to get him to open up/confess, opened the conversation to let him know it was safe to talk about. Waldo stuck with his MLC story.
This new revolation has me wondering is there MORE to this story? What else is Waldo hiding? Nothing is surprising right?
Besides all that, we are making it work. That is MY goal. MY focus. The best revenge is success. And that's empowering. I do need to GAL, but right now my focus is being the best I can be and work hard at my new job and keep it. I enjoy it and feel blessed to be there, especially now.
Seems silly. Just say the truth! This is the time of year he'd be returning from his seasonal job. EVERYONE is asking. I hate it. I hate it less than last year..lol ...at least I'm not in limbo and I know he's not coming home. Even though he has a D4, that he hasn't physically seen him since April (due to his work...and this is normal) I'm 99.9% sure he will come to this state when he's done work.
Neighbors will be easier to talk with. They always saythings like "..he'll be home soon?..when will he be home?" . ... How do I say it? I'm really not sure of his plans, things are different...(insert "break-up" hand gesture here). My D4 is always with me, and she doesn't know.
Close friends ask. If D4 is not with me I will open up. Then these's the friends that live else where. Asking via text or through social media. I've just skirted around the question. I know its not right. They deserve the truth.
I havent said anything to my D4. Do I? She's so use to him not being hete, since birth really, he's always worked away 1/2 the year. It's normal for her & I. Now he's just traveling and when he wants to see her he will/can. *He did make an effort while at work to have contact via video chats..etc etc.* now everything has stopped. Nothing since Halloween. His loss. I dont force her to contact him either. I just follow her lead on that.
How do you say it? I hate the big D word. "We're not together.. things have changed"... People can come to their own conclusions. I do add that it's not what I wanted.
Not taking out a billboard add, but gearing up for more reveals.
I don't know much about your sitch and frankly, don't have time to go back and play catch up now, but something in your recent post made me feel compelled to comment. Listen, I GET IT more than you will possibly know. That big ole D word SUX and it was so very hard for me to say because I felt like I was somehow being judged as a failure when I dared to utter it. I couldn't even say it to my parents and my siblings at first, despite the fact that my parents are divorced from each other and my brother is divorced. Just not a word I ever thought I would use in reference to myself. And, you say at the end that you want to say your not together, things have changed and let people figure it out and you add it is not what you wanted.
Girl, let me just tell you, that very last phrase rang SO loudly true in my head that it was almost as if I had typed it myself. I didn't want a D either. I just came home from work one day and my XH dropped the big atom bomb on me and I had NO idea it was coming. I was devastated and lost, confused. It didn't take many tears or much conversation to realize that he was dead set and I pretty quickly came to the realization that I was not going to beg or plead with a so-called man who didn't want to be with me to stay. He wanted us to tell everyone the D was mutual and that we had grown apart. I didn't want to say anything at all because it was too painful. We settled on he could tell what he wanted and I wouldn't contradict him, but the fact that he was "finding the love of his life" just 2 short weeks after our D was final was pretty telling to our friends and family and they all put 2 and 2 together, just like I did, and now he looks like the bad guy. For me, it still took a few months to say "D" but counseling helped. I urge you to not lag too long in learning to be open about it and putting it out there because it isn't going to change or go away. As far as your D4, you should be honest with her, but on the level that she understands. She may not understand divorce per se at her age. She'll follow your lead though. I don't have any great advice for you here because our kids were adults when we D'ed.
I think skirting the issue or just kind of downplaying it is not healthy for you or D4. Again, she's little so she might not understand divorce so it is good that you don't necessarily go into a lot of detail when people ask in front of her, but a quick, simple aside out of her ear shot will be more freeing than you can imagine. I swear when I finally brought myself to say it, it was like this weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I didn't feel like I had an albatross around my neck anymore.
I still don't like the word and I'm married to someone else now, who also knows the pain of D, but I just know that there are so many who have lived through it in this day and age that people are more understanding and accepting of it now.
Hang in there!
Thanks Dawn70. I'm sharing my status with friends more. It's freeing.
What would have been another anniversary came & went. It was an odd day. It did and didnt bother me. I'm so busy with my new job that I'm finding that's occupying my brain more than my x. Of course I have moments, but those are getting less & less.
My GALA (Get A Life Again) actively during my off days was water color paintings. Something I can do with my D4. I had 2 small canvases that depicted myx and I. I painted over him. It felt good. I dont do a lot, because Ive got a lot going on. But soon
Journaling is something I need to get back into. I stopped because I couldnt face the truth on paper. Now that I'm fully excepting the truth, slowly I'm seeing a shift in myself. I'm the focus again. We get off balance sometimes.
Seems every week I tell my truth to someone new. Especially because people are going to start asking. I'm just sick of holding it in. I actually think it's physically and certainly mentally effecting me. DUH. no kidding right? I've never saught counciling for myself, but might. We'll see.
My D4 has been having accidents lately. Not with me, but nanny. Today she pooped her pants. And twice has peed. Not sure whats going on. She doesn't say. Hasn't asked about her dad. I dont bring him up. Should I? Still not sure how to start the conversation. She's 4! Thinking that waiting for her to talk about it is best. I guess?
Why would you assume D4's accidents are about her father instead of about the nanny? Is the nanny in your own home? If so, can you set up a nanny cam just to be sure everything is ok when you're gone?
BTW I never remember my anniversary date anymore, it has faded from my consciousness.
We put the tree up it was a lot of fun. There were a few orniments that xH had made, and each had our picture on it. Holidays through the years.. She hung them at the back of the tree. When she's oldershe can have them.
Havent heard from XH, other than he's still at work. He hasn't mentioned wanting to see D4 and hasnt msg her. Too busy? Sad. She misses him, and often says "he's at work". I'm ready to tell her changes are hapening, when sh asks. Christmas he's usually home. Not this year. I dont know his plans.
Why would you assume D4's accidents are about her father instead of about the nanny? Is the nanny in your own home? If so, can you set up a nanny cam just to be sure everything is ok when you're gone?
Hi kml. I didn't see your post.... D4's accidents has stopped. I'm doing a nanny share in my home, so nanny watches D4 and a girl a bit older, who does school work. when here. D4 wanted more attention from the nanny.
Glad the accidents have stopped.
I'm fairly new to the "BIG D" club. Oct 22, 2020. And during Covid! A whole different club right?
What can I say? I'm a single mom, 49, and have a D4.
*See timeline for details on BD from XH, beginning of 2019. I should write a book, as it reads like something that happens only in the movies. He was the one to leave. "I'm not happy....haven't been for 2 years. So basically when he became a father.... things changed (no kidding..duh...). He reached out to an XG from the past, who lives in another country and the rest is history. (see timeline for more details). For all of D4's life, XH remote work has supported us very well, although the trade off was him being remote, at sea, for 6 months or more out of the year. As I was busy being new mom, mostly alone, on an island, remote in my own way, but with wonderful supportive friends, we grew apart. I always thought he was stressed from work, and questioned the distance I felt growing when he was home. He always seemed to dismiss it, say sorry, it's not me it's him... No matter what the cause... D happened. And here we are.
I'm back in the workforce, of my chosen profession, after being out for sometime. Because XH's seasonal work has him away for 6months, although the D was final the end of Oct, and certain things we're outlined in the agreement, we are both working through things in the agreement. (ie.... he hasn't paid CS yet... , the house... I'm in it... we sell or I buy it). Cutting myself from any thing else that binds us... (ie phone plans, insurance: car, health). He's kept me on until I was able to get on my own a bit. He's been good to me throughout COVID, but now with him being done with his seasonal work, we'll see how things go.
So that's it really.
I'd LOVE to find love again, but for me, now is not the time (COVID makes that kind of hard). Not looking, but welcome any chance of course, from a distance... friends first... not a lot of choices either..lol...
Any way. I'll be chiming in more often and posting more too. Just been busy, adulting.
Take Care
Be Good to yourselves
Take your time with dating. You need to heal from your marriage AND figure out how not to repeat the pattern in a new relationship - it takes a while to digest that.
And please, please, please do NOT involve your daughter in your dating. 6 months of dating should be a MINIMUM requirement before they meet your daughter - and then only if you think the relationship will likely become permanent. Kids get attached and then suffer the pain when the relationships break up.
You're going to be ok. Be frugal and make wise financial choices because you have your financial security in retirement to think about as well as the costs of raising a child. Good books to read are Your Money or Your Life by Dominguez and the Tightwad Gazette books.
I'm glad there's an older child in the nanny share, that gives you more security as she would be likely to speak up if anything was awry. Congratulations on getting back into work in your profession. I know you're facing a lot of challenges but you got this.
My D has been final for almost 2 months. XH has been out of state working his seasonal job, and I believe he's done, only because UI mail has come to the house. XH whereabouts is a mystery. I have a few guesses, but only him and his ow know.
We share a D4, and own a home together. Dealing with selling the home, or buying him out is on the table. Our D agreement states how to handle selling the home, but nothing about if one buys out the other.
I just started a new job, it hasn't yet been 3 months, part-time. I don't know if I can afford to take over the house on my own. It's a great home, with a small rental on the property, pool. There's also a hefty mortgage and a home loan we owe on.
I've been talking to family members, and will be consulting with a mortgage broker sometime next week. I just don't know what I can do and where to start...
I don't want to talk with XH about anything at this point, because I don't know what I want to do....
My head is spinning. I know, I'm not the first to go through this, and I won't be the last. Having to deal with this on my own [censored]. XH won't be showing up to help to anything. He left us because he "wasn't happy", and there just happens to be AO, from his past, that lives in EU. Again, I'm not the only one that's gone through this and I will be okay. Just venting I guess.
My D4 caught me looking at places, and said, OH, let's move there... I think she'll be fine, whatever the outcome is.
As much as I want to stay, I don't know if I can do it. I can't do it on my own, and having my family put up their own home as equity, just doesn't sit right. What if it all goes wrong, then what?
When will my head stop spinning
ps- I didn't realize I typed something that was censored. I apologize for that. Got carried away on the keys and honestly have no clue what "bad word" I typed above.
My bad..
D4 associates Christmas with her daddy being home from his seasonal job. As the days grow closer to Christmas, she's been asking a lot more about him, and saying this like, "When daddy gets home...."
7 days ago, XH reached out and wanted to contact D4. I sent XH a schedule, so he knew the best times to contact D4.
And here we are with no contact. I've never pushed my kid to contact anyone, ever. If she shows an interest, I will ask if she wants to follow through (ie call, video chat, text, etc, etc ). It frustrates me that XH reaches out, asks when he can contact her, and then nothing. I know better than to tell D4 anything. Keep expectations at zero.
Getting back to the reality of the situation. Daddy is not coming home. Daddy probable won't even visit, or be in the same state. Heck he might not be in the same country. I don't know how she's going to take the news. I ask XH, months ago, when our D became final, what he wanted her to know. I opened the door to the conversation, I want his input. All I've ever gotten is an, "I don't know". That was over a month ago.
XH is MLC/WAS. Not sure where in the world he is. Literally. His own family has been asking me if I know where he is.
I have one day of work next week, then on holidays until the first week of the new year. With all that time off, I feel I can say something to D4. Just thinking about it makes me so sad. But, who knows. Maybe she'll take it better than I did.
The less upset YOU seem about it, the better she’ll handle it.
Hey CanBird,
It [censored] that you are the one that might need to deliver the news to people, but as kml says, it will be easier for some (like D4) to process if you are showing strength and not upset. Stability for them can do wonders in moving forward.
How were the holidays for you? I hope you're doing well
I put myself out there into the online dating world. Anyone else have storys to share? It's been well over 15 years!!. So far I've gone on 1 coffee date. That was a warm up & no connection for me. He didn't look like his picture and some of his profile didn't match what he said in person. Oh well. 25 mins lost. And the first date with a stranger out of the way.
Bachelor #2 meet up will be this wknd. I asked him to meet for coffee. We'd been on a site chatting, exchanged numbers & have been texting. I want to see if there's any connection. What's the point in chatting more if you're not sure. It's just coffee. Well see.
OLD = OnLine dating...lol..
OLD is regularly described here as "The Land of The Misfit Toys".
Some people think of it as a numbers game - that if you keep trying that you will find the wheat amongst the chaff.
I don't know.
I'm currently a casual observer of the field with an account on POF and Match. I did meet one nice lady who I had actually met IRL briefly previously. Everything moved "very" fast and it didn't work out. I think that many people go on too soon and with the expectation that they'll get connected quickly and move on. A majority of people I see have a marital status of "separated" which certainly can be taken to mean that they don't have their divorce and related baggage sorted out. The lady I mentioned was still financially tied to her husband through their mortgage and actually ended up going back to take care of him when he got sick some time after we'd split.
I'm glad that you were able to get that one first date out of the way and recognize that it's OK to say no and move on.
From what I gather, especially for women, that OLD can be a scary place. The ex-wife of a buddy of mine quickly contracted an STD and was essentially raped on a date. I know that the woman I dated ended up having sex with a guy that she didn't want because he was so aggressive about it. I'm sure that happens the other way around too but the risks I think are higher for women.
Having a "wing-man" available is always a good idea from what I understand. Our own Dawn - who met a keeper on POF - arranged to have a friend of her's "stop by accidentally" on her first date to make sure she was ok and safe.
There are those too - I'm one of them - who believe that meeting people organically is "better" but then again, I'm still disentangling myself from one of those. A person I thought was fun and quirky turned out to be a lazy hoarder with no desire to do anything other than watch TV and spend my money. Even people you may have known for years - like in this case with me - can be completely different in a relationship.
I'm sure it's not all gloom and doom though. Many many people meet someone great through OLD - otherwise those sites wouldn't be in business.
But - as you've already done - the ability to say "next!" is key to navigating.
Keep us up to date.
The key is, it's not really online dating, it's online MEETING. It's just a mechanism for meeting people that are available for a relationship, that's all. It has pros and cons. Cons are they aren't vetted by your friends (or in Andrew's case, his barber!). Pros are you can learn a bit about them beforehand that you might not know if you met them at a party (like incompatible political leanings, smoking habits, spelling ability, musical tastes) and that can help you eliminate some people that you know you wouldn't be a match with.
Honestly, at my age meeting "organically" just doesn't really happen. I've met a grand total of one date in 11 years that way - Mr Big Lots, who picked me up when shopping in Big Lots. And while he was (and still is!) extremely handsome, he was in most other ways not a match - and I probably would have picked that up even earlier if I had met him online.
I put myself out there into the online dating world. Anyone else have storys to share?
I have all kinds of stories. What are you interested in because I have them all?
So far I've gone on 1 coffee date. That was a warm up & no connection for me.
This is very common if you have standards and know your value,. Most of the time there is no connection or interest in another date.
He didn't look like his picture and some of his profile didn't match what he said in person.
Very common. Accept the reality of it and move on.
Lost or were you lucky to get out of the house and meet someone new.
Bachelor #2 meet up will be this wknd. I asked him to meet for coffee.
Interesting you asked him for coffee. Do you normally take the lead?
We'd been on a site chatting, exchanged numbers & have been texting. I want to see if there's any connection. What's the point in chatting more if you're not sure. It's just coffee. Well see.
Exactly. No expectations.
I will get hammered for this if Donnie H stops by but I still think OLD is the best way to meet new people you just have to temper your expectations and be patient. It is a numbers game especially when you know your value and won't settle.
Hi CanBird,
I haven’t been on here in a while and I decided to read your thread. Divorce is difficult (it’s been almost 7 years and I still struggle with calling myself divorced or a single mom. I feel like a cliche, but I also act like one on occasion). I’m sure you struggle with how this affects your D. My story with my ex h is quite interesting as well, but that’s not the time for that. You’ve received some great advice and this is a fantastic community.
I’ve heard many horror stories with OLD, however, that was not my experience. I met many fun, good people-just nothing long term resulted. I also don’t attach many expectations to OLD other than I’ll go and have a good time. And that has worked well for me. I think perspective is key with dating in general. Not sure I buy the numbers game theory, and meeting people organically can be a struggle as well.
I only went on one coffee date but I hear many say those generally never seem to vibe. I did meet many funny, interesting people so I’m grateful for that. Hang in there :-)
OLD is regularly described here as "The Land of The Misfit Toys".
Some people think of it as a numbers game - that if you keep trying that you will find the wheat amongst the chaff.
I don't know.
I'm currently a casual observer of the field with an account on POF and Match. I did meet one nice lady who I had actually met IRL briefly previously. Everything moved "very" fast and it didn't work out. I think that many people go on too soon and with the expectation that they'll get connected quickly and move on. A majority of people I see have a marital status of "separated" which certainly can be taken to mean that they don't have their divorce and related baggage sorted out. The lady I mentioned was still financially tied to her husband through their mortgage and actually ended up going back to take care of him when he got sick some time after we'd split.
I'm glad that you were able to get that one first date out of the way and recognize that it's OK to say no and move on.
From what I gather, especially for women, that OLD can be a scary place. The ex-wife of a buddy of mine quickly contracted an STD and was essentially raped on a date. I know that the woman I dated ended up having sex with a guy that she didn't want because he was so aggressive about it. I'm sure that happens the other way around too but the risks I think are higher for women.
Having a "wing-man" available is always a good idea from what I understand. Our own Dawn - who met a keeper on POF - arranged to have a friend of her's "stop by accidentally" on her first date to make sure she was ok and safe.
There are those too - I'm one of them - who believe that meeting people organically is "better" but then again, I'm still disentangling myself from one of those. A person I thought was fun and quirky turned out to be a lazy hoarder with no desire to do anything other than watch TV and spend my money. Even people you may have known for years - like in this case with me - can be completely different in a relationship.
I'm sure it's not all gloom and doom though. Many many people meet someone great through OLD - otherwise those sites wouldn't be in business.
But - as you've already done - the ability to say "next!" is key to navigating.
Keep us up to date.
"The Land of the Misfit Toys"?! Oh dear... lol...I do want to meet someone. This is just a distraction, fun. And If anything, you make a friend. If it's a match, great. You'll never know if you don't leave the house. I've always got safety in mind, so an afternoon coffee meet up outside & in public, is my thing. Meeting people organically is great! However it happens, if it's meant to be it will be.
Guys that have separated as their status, I won't talk too. I agree with you there. If they msg I politely decline engaging in any conversation with them.
Will keep posting for sure.
The key is, it's not really online dating, it's online MEETING. It's just a mechanism for meeting people that are available for a relationship, that's all. It has pros and cons. Cons are they aren't vetted by your friends (or in Andrew's case, his barber!). Pros are you can learn a bit about them beforehand that you might not know if you met them at a party (like incompatible political leanings, smoking habits, spelling ability, musical tastes) and that can help you eliminate some people that you know you wouldn't be a match with.
Honestly, at my age meeting "organically" just doesn't really happen. I've met a grand total of one date in 11 years that way - Mr Big Lots, who picked me up when shopping in Big Lots. And while he was (and still is!) extremely handsome, he was in most other ways not a match - and I probably would have picked that up even earlier if I had met him online.
So true! OLMeeting, not dating! Time to rebrand things right! Yes, I do enjoy reading the profiles. And I wonder what my "competition" looks like? ..lol...I'm dying to see how other women present themselves. I'm just me
I put myself out there into the online dating world. Anyone else have stories to share?
I have all kinds of stories. What are you interested in because I have them all?
So far I've gone on 1 coffee date. That was a warm up & no connection for me.
This is very common if you have standards and know your value,. Most of the time there is no connection or interest in another date.
He didn't look like his picture and some of his profile didn't match what he said in person.
Very common. Accept the reality of it and move on.
Lost or were you lucky to get out of the house and meet someone new.
Bachelor #2 meet up will be this wknd. I asked him to meet for coffee.
Interesting you asked him for coffee. Do you normally take the lead?
We'd been on a site chatting, exchanged numbers & have been texting. I want to see if there's any connection. What's the point in chatting more if you're not sure. It's just coffee. Well see.
Exactly. No expectations.
I will get hammered for this if Donnie H stops by but I still think OLD is the best way to meet new people you just have to temper your expectations and be patient. It is a numbers game especially when you know your value and won't settle.
Hi LH19. I'm mainly interested in stories of how people are doing with OLD now, during Covid. It's a got to be a whole different game now.
But really, people are people. Either you connect or you don't. I feel that way about anyone. Some friends I click with more than others. If I enjoy there company, I'll see them again. If my instincts say, TAP OUT, then I do.
I would say that meeting someone I don't connect with isn't always a total loss. I did gain some insight, from a male prospective on how OLD was going for him. However, when someone misrepresents who they are, and I know it happens, I feel like I never would have come in the first place if they were more truthful.
This time around, with Bachelor#2, I set up the coffee date. I want to see what this guy is all about, or not. We've been chatting for a few weeks, so... it's time to meet face to face. I think sometimes you have to take the lead, when you're ready to move forward. Otherwise you're just in this holding pattern of waiting.... and waiting.... and wondering. Maybe he's a shy guy? I don't know? I do like when a guy takes the lead, but it's okay if I do to.
No expectations. Sit, sip and see.
I think meeting people in whatever way is comfortable for you is what works best. I got on to see what's out there. I'm a single mom, LBS. (XH is MLC/WAS) I don't go to bars looking for love, that single's scene was long ago. And with Covid, .. just seems like OLD is an easy, and fun way to chat with other singles, and whatever happens, happens. I'm always up for my friends setting me up too.
You said it best:
..you just have to temper your expectations and be patient. It is a numbers game especially when you know your value and won't settle.
Cheers to getting out there
Hi CanBird,
I haven’t been on here in a while and I decided to read your thread. Divorce is difficult (it’s been almost 7 years and I still struggle with calling myself divorced or a single mom. I feel like a cliche, but I also act like one on occasion). I’m sure you struggle with how this affects your D. My story with my ex h is quite interesting as well, but that’s not the time for that. You’ve received some great advice and this is a fantastic community.
I’ve heard many horror stories with OLD, however, that was not my experience. I met many fun, good people-just nothing long term resulted. I also don’t attach many expectations to OLD other than I’ll go and have a good time. And that has worked well for me. I think perspective is key with dating in general. Not sure I buy the numbers game theory, and meeting people organically can be a struggle as well.
I only went on one coffee date but I hear many say those generally never seem to vibe. I did meet many funny, interesting people so I’m grateful for that. Hang in there :-)
Hi Georgiabelle. Divorce is difficult. It rocks our whole world, and our kids too. I'm sorry to hear you struggle with calling yourself divorced or a single mom. I get it, but you know what, it is what it is right? Be YOU. That is what you call your self! Georgiabelle! Don't let the boxes on forms define who YOU are. xo
My story is still unfolding. Thank goodness slowly. My D4 is pretty good, although she has her moments. She's use to her dad not being around, because he's always worked away from home for long periods of time.(6 months; no visits). It's all she has ever known her whole life. Yeah, that's a whole other story.
I think getting back into the dating world is daunting no matter how you do it. My father, widowed 9 yrs ago, got online when he was 69. He was only married to my mom, his high school sweetheart. So imagine that! He had NO idea what dating was like in the 20th century! . Now he's happy with his current lady, who lives with him. (There were a few in between..lol..)
Right now, coffee dates work for me. Just meeting someone. And we'll see where it goes, or not.
*You hang in there too mama! xo *
So true! OLMeeting, not dating! Time to rebrand things right! Yes, I do enjoy reading the profiles. And I wonder what my "competition" looks like? ..lol...I'm dying to see how other women present themselves. I'm just me
I actually have gone in a couple of times and switched the profile around to see. What I hear is more or less what I saw. A bunch of shirtless dudes wearing sunglasses and holding up dead or mostly dead fish
Certainly a mix in there of guys kind of like me who are just every-day sorts of guys but the greater bulk are what I would think of as "Bro"'s - Fishin', Drinkin', 4-wheeling. But I live in a fishin, drinkin, 4-wheeling part of the world so they are more the norm than a guy who enjoys doing his ironing and going to museums.
What I see - and what is - for me - a turn-off - is a lot of drinking pictures. Pictures with an ex obviously cropped out, pictures that prominently show a wedding band still on their hand. Make an effort please .... Many of the pictures seem to be from the sort of mid-range all-inclusive resorts like my ex-wife and I used to go to.
Let's see - a lot of pictures with their dogs. Maybe crazy cat-ladies don't go for on-line dating? In this area a fair number of pictures of them with their horses. One person I recall wanted to date someone with a big enough truck to haul her horse trailer - oddly specific but not too surprising.
Just had a quick look. A lot of pictures of nostrils and conversely cleavage. Artistic types with black and white photos with varying types of shadows. Snapchat filters used to blur out wrinkles.
A good number of honest pictures - or what I presume are honest - especially of the more plain looking women.
I actually read the profiles - although like the Newcomers area here, most make me sad rather than interested. A lot of women who are looking for someone to cuddle and watch TV with - at least in my middle-age range. A lot of people who very specifically are looking for a travel companion - which I read as someone to foot the bill.
Profiles range from two words, a basic sentence or pages and pages of hopes and dreams. The longer profiles to me at least smack of desperation - but then I've been an observer for several years and judge based on that.
For some reason people seem to tend to be very attached to their particular variety of music. Country music around here
Personally I have a wide taste and for a while recently was listening to some Mongolian heavy metal throat singing - reminded me of old Motörhead.
What I have found - at least with the 2 women who I did end up dating - was that "likes long walks" means from the restaurant to the car - not my usual hour long ramble through the woods or along streets.
Not sure if that was helpful or not.
What I have found - at least with the 2 women who I did end up dating - was that "likes long walks" means from the restaurant to the car - not my usual hour long ramble through the woods or along streets.
That struck a chord! "Ms Grand Canyon" claimed to have hiked the whole Grand Canyon. I was like "Wow, you too?!" What did you think of the bottom? She couldn't recall. Hint--everyone recalls. Next, she went almost to the bottom. "What did you think of the village halfway down?" Her story dialed back to she went 1-2 miles down. I can't recall anyone I dated online who "liked to hike" who hiked regularly or went on more than a few with me.
I know we men tell certain whoppers, too. It's funny height (men) and weight (women) fibs get called out often, but this one not as much, though it's common enough dating experts warn about it.
Online dating was actually fun for me. Most were nice, and the rest were interesting. You're meeting someone outside your normal circles and the commitment is just a glass of wine (for each).
I've always got safety in mind, so an afternoon coffee meet up outside & in public, is my thing. Meeting people organically is great! However it happens, if it's meant to be it will be. Right now, coffee dates work for me. Just meeting someone. And we'll see where it goes, or not. smile
CanBird, I love your attitude and approach. It sounds very DB, in that you win whether it's a match or not.
PS - I have two lovely memories even of Ms. Grand Canyon. A couple saw me give her a rose and paid for our wine because they loved seeing romance in this modern day. After telling her I wasn't interested, she treated me "as friends" to my first Ethiopian meal and we danced for hours to a style of music I'd never heard before. So, even my "horror story" validates your approach, CanBird. Have fun with it.
What I have found - at least with the 2 women who I did end up dating - was that "likes long walks" means from the restaurant to the car -
Lolol. That's pretty sad. Andrew, perhaps some kind of local walking group once the pandemic goes away? That might be a good place to meet like-minded women.
I'll say, most of the guys I met online were pretty much as advertised. (Many do put younger pictures of themselves but so long as they include a more current one I don't mind. ) I do think though that I have a pretty good ability to read between the lines so my success was much better than my friend, who has NO ability to read a profile and guess whether she would be interested.
Guys should not post mirror selfies, especially not with their shirt off and their pubic hair showing. Please. Also everybody nix the pictures with spouses cut out. Explain the other pictures with attractive women ("me and my sister") otherwise we assume that was your ex of your last date. Do NOT post a picture of you in a bathrobe holding a live duck (seriously, yes, I saw that!). It IS good to post a photo of you out with friends (as it let's us know you're not a friendless recluse) and yes, we might make decisions based on the lifestyle shown in the photo. I have NOTHING against motorheads who want to spend their weekends in the desert riding motorcycles or dune buggies. I understand the allure. But we might not have much to talk about or I might not want to spend too many of those weekends with you. You would probably be happier with a "good ole girl" . Same for a guy who is a gym rat - I like working out in the gym, but I'm inconsistent. The guy who gets up at 4 am every day to do that might be looking for a companion who is a little more motivated than I am, or might be too obsessed with perfection for my tastes.
Musical tastes is not a dealbreaker for me as my tastes are wide, but if somebody tells me they like music and all they can cite is classic rock from the 60's, I know they're not going to be sharing this interest with me. (CMM likes jazz, that's neither here nor there for me, but if a guy could cite some current rock/punk influences it would definitely interest me. )
(Or Tuvan throat singing - way to go, Andrew! Richard Feynman would be proud).
I actually have gone in a couple of times and switched the profile around to see. What I hear is more or less what I saw. A bunch of shirtless dudes wearing sunglasses and holding up dead or mostly dead fish
Certainly a mix in there of guys kind of like me who are just every-day sorts of guys but the greater bulk are what I would think of as "Bro"'s - Fishin', Drinkin', 4-wheeling. But I live in a fishin, drinkin, 4-wheeling part of the world so they are more the norm than a guy who enjoys doing his ironing and going to museums.
What I see - and what is - for me - a turn-off - is a lot of drinking pictures. Pictures with an ex obviously cropped out, pictures that prominently show a wedding band still on their hand. Make an effort please .... Many of the pictures seem to be from the sort of mid-range all-inclusive resorts like my ex-wife and I used to go to.
Let's see - a lot of pictures with their dogs. Maybe crazy cat-ladies don't go for on-line dating? In this area a fair number of pictures of them with their horses. One person I recall wanted to date someone with a big enough truck to haul her horse trailer - oddly specific but not too surprising.
Just had a quick look. A lot of pictures of nostrils and conversely cleavage. Artistic types with black and white photos with varying types of shadows. Snapchat filters used to blur out wrinkles.
A good number of honest pictures - or what I presume are honest - especially of the more plain looking women.
I actually read the profiles - although like the Newcomers area here, most make me sad rather than interested. A lot of women who are looking for someone to cuddle and watch TV with - at least in my middle-age range. A lot of people who very specifically are looking for a travel companion - which I read as someone to foot the bill.
Profiles range from two words, a basic sentence or pages and pages of hopes and dreams. The longer profiles to me at least smack of desperation - but then I've been an observer for several years and judge based on that.
For some reason people seem to tend to be very attached to their particular variety of music. Country music around here
Personally I have a wide taste and for a while recently was listening to some Mongolian heavy metal throat singing - reminded me of old Motörhead.
What I have found - at least with the 2 women who I did end up dating - was that "likes long walks" means from the restaurant to the car - not my usual hour long ramble through the woods or along streets.
Not sure if that was helpful or not.
HA! AndrewP, you post had me lol this morning.
Yes, the choice of pictures is always interesting. The group shot with buddies (and I can't tell figure out who's profile I'm looking at), and yes, the picture where someone else is cropped out and they are on a trip) You can usually tell which ones are current of from years ago. A few with dogs. No cats or other pets. No doubt woman are showing off their assets. The men too, shirtless..lol..
I total read the profiles. I think it tells a lot about the person. Did they put any effort into it? Weed out the ones you dislike. I love the forwardness of the woman you mentioned wanted a guy with a big truck to haul her horses..lol..
Wow, I didn't even mention music. But that's a good one for conversation. (Mongolian heavy metal throat singing ..lol.. I think I know that.
Long walks..lol... I enjoy a stroll in the woods, but one that I'm not going to sweat up a storm on. There are activities I like, that I haven't done in awhile. If I haven't physically done them in a long time, I don't list them.
Thanks for the giggles this morning.. A good laugh is always welcome
What I have found - at least with the 2 women who I did end up dating - was that "likes long walks" means from the restaurant to the car - not my usual hour long ramble through the woods or along streets.
That struck a chord! "Ms Grand Canyon" claimed to have hiked the whole Grand Canyon. I was like "Wow, you too?!" What did you think of the bottom? She couldn't recall. Hint--everyone recalls. Next, she went almost to the bottom. "What did you think of the village halfway down?" Her story dialed back to she went 1-2 miles down. I can't recall anyone I dated online who "liked to hike" who hiked regularly or went on more than a few with me.
I know we men tell certain whoppers, too. It's funny height (men) and weight (women) fibs get called out often, but this one not as much, though it's common enough dating experts warn about it.
Online dating was actually fun for me. Most were nice, and the rest were interesting. You're meeting someone outside your normal circles and the commitment is just a glass of wine (for each).
Hi CWarrior! It's all about having fun with no expectations. The first guy I met wasn't truthful, and I called him out on one thing (he marked off he had kids and didn't..) "OH, I set this thing up once and haven't looked at it since. Didn't know I did that". (That's a pretty specific box to check ). I let the other stuff go. It was nice just to break the ice and get the first one over with. Kind of like job interviews..lol...
What I have found - at least with the 2 women who I did end up dating - was that "likes long walks" means from the restaurant to the car - not my usual hour long ramble through the woods or along streets.
That struck a chord! "Ms Grand Canyon" claimed to have hiked the whole Grand Canyon. I was like "Wow, you too?!" What did you think of the bottom? She couldn't recall. Hint--everyone recalls. Next, she went almost to the bottom. "What did you think of the village halfway down?" Her story dialed back to she went 1-2 miles down. I can't recall anyone I dated online who "liked to hike" who hiked regularly or went on more than a few with me.
I know we men tell certain whoppers, too. It's funny height (men) and weight (women) fibs get called out often, but this one not as much, though it's common enough dating experts warn about it.
Online dating was actually fun for me. Most were nice, and the rest were interesting. You're meeting someone outside your normal circles and the commitment is just a glass of wine (for each).
Hi CWarrior! It's all about having fun with no expectations. The first guy I met wasn't truthful, and I called him out on one thing (he marked off he had kids and didn't..) "OH, I set this thing up once and haven't looked at it since. Didn't know I did that". (That's a pretty specific box to check ). I let the other stuff go. It was nice just to break the ice and get the first one over with. Kind of like job interviews..lol...
What I have found - at least with the 2 women who I did end up dating - was that "likes long walks" means from the restaurant to the car -
Lolol. That's pretty sad. Andrew, perhaps some kind of local walking group once the pandemic goes away? That might be a good place to meet like-minded women.
I'll say, most of the guys I met online were pretty much as advertised. (Many do put younger pictures of themselves but so long as they include a more current one I don't mind. ) I do think though that I have a pretty good ability to read between the lines so my success was much better than my friend, who has NO ability to read a profile and guess whether she would be interested.
Guys should not post mirror selfies, especially not with their shirt off and their pubic hair showing. Please. Also everybody nix the pictures with spouses cut out. Explain the other pictures with attractive women ("me and my sister") otherwise we assume that was your ex of your last date. Do NOT post a picture of you in a bathrobe holding a live duck (seriously, yes, I saw that!). It IS good to post a photo of you out with friends (as it let's us know you're not a friendless recluse) and yes, we might make decisions based on the lifestyle shown in the photo. I have NOTHING against motorheads who want to spend their weekends in the desert riding motorcycles or dune buggies. I understand the allure. But we might not have much to talk about or I might not want to spend too many of those weekends with you. You would probably be happier with a "good ole girl" . Same for a guy who is a gym rat - I like working out in the gym, but I'm inconsistent. The guy who gets up at 4 am every day to do that might be looking for a companion who is a little more motivated than I am, or might be too obsessed with perfection for my tastes.
Musical tastes is not a dealbreaker for me as my tastes are wide, but if somebody tells me they like music and all they can cite is classic rock from the 60's, I know they're not going to be sharing this interest with me. (CMM likes jazz, that's neither here nor there for me, but if a guy could cite some current rock/punk influences it would definitely interest me. )
Hi kml, we think a like..lol... My favorite pics are the ones that the dating sites thinks are a match for me. Most look like they are going for the bad boy look, or are in a retirement home. How in the world? And from far away places too. Clearly, some guys don't read the fine print and are just looking at the photos.
I love classic rock. And anything not by Disney... lol...
There's nothing wrong with classic rock - it was a great era. But if somebody my age lists that as their only musical preference, it tells me he's one of those guys who hasn't listened to any new music since he got out of college. It's a weird phenomenon, but many people's musical tastes/interests seem to ossify at that age. I've never understood it - there's been so much good music made in the world since that time, how could you limit yourself to just the music of your youth? But it's such a common phenomenon that I figure there must be something biological in the brain that happens to those people.
Journaling: My coffee date with Bachelor #2 went well. We talked for almost 2 hours. The conversation flowed, it was easy, we laughed, no awkward moments. I thought he was attractive. I enjoyed this looks; very manly. It was an afternoon meet up, outdoors. He walked me to my car as we parted. I thanked him and hugged him. He reciprocated & said.."if you'd like to do this again sometime.." me:.."Yeah,. Like wise.." and we hugged again. *I'm a hugger...it was nice*
Happy this date went well. Nice to put a personality together with the person. We both agreed, it was nice to meet someone "normal". (Based on the area we live). We swapped OLD experiences. Lol...old... that acronym cracks me up.
Neither of us texted the other that night. I was going to and thought maybe give it a day/time. Tonight for sure. Zero expectations. A friend of mine (Also a single mom , but in a relationship), said, "my advice is to stay online and keep looking. Don't wait around for something to happen. You're single until you're not". True story. I'm in no rush, it's just connecting to new people that I'm interested in.
One Fish Two Fish...
It's All Good
So C bird I will give you some advice from a mans prospective as you keep moving forward in the process. The first is to agree that you are single until you are not and never make assumptions in OLD.
Second is if you are interested in a second date when you get home you should text him and say I am home safe (he should request that you do this) and I had a really great time. Then the ball is in his court and as the man he should set up the next date.
I would wait a couple days before texting him. If he’s interested he will reach out. After a few days no harm no foul for you to reach out.
A daytime coffee date does not require an “I’m home safe” text.
And yes, let him contact you first. You already made it clear you were interested.
CanBird,
Glad you had fun. I think that’s awesome. I’ve noticed too many women are quick to commit to nothing so your friend’s advice is wise. Nothing means anything until it does.
And I concur. If someone wants to go out again, they will ask. Hope the weekend went well :-)
LH19: Thanks for your comment. Yes, you are single until you are not.
Our 1st date was mid-day coffee, and I wasn’t going directly home (had other things to do afterwards & pick my kid up) so I didn’t see the need to tell him when I made it home. I didn’t know when I was getting home either, other than before dark. I do see your point though, if it had been under different circumstances.
When I did get home, I hummed and hawed about texting him right away, and didn’t want to seem too eager. Was planning on messaging him the day after the date and he reached out first.
Not sure I 100% agree with who should plan what. Sharing the workload works for me. Because I have D4, and have to figure out who’s going to watch her (I have no family & XH is MLC/WAS; location unknown) I like calling the shots on what works for me, and willing to be flexible from there. *Luckily I have a village of friends that are ready and willing to help me out*. Bach2 has no kids, but has a young dog. Like I said, flexible to his needs too.
kml: Thanks for your comment. Yes, agreed, daytime coffee does not require an “I’m home safe text”. Unless it’s a REALLY strong coffee or you drank too many with no restroom in sight,…..kidding…
I’m glad I took a chance and waited for him to contact me, and he did. If not I would of text him the day after the date, said I enjoyed myself and left it at that, to see what he thought… “ball in his court”. After all, he did end the date with, “If you ever want to do this again….” I think a guy should chase a woman a little.
Georgiabelle: Thanks for your comment. I did have fun! I left with such a BIG smile on my face that it hurt. And of course, I told myself… zero expectations… it’s just coffee with a friend… that was yesterday… today is a different story..lol…
WHAT!?!! His text came in the late afternoon. I was out all day with D4, had just got home. Following his lead with small chat, at times I imagined we were both starring at the screen at the same time, wondering what to say next. And then the words came….
B2: I had a really good time with you yesterday
CB: I had a really good time with you too
B2: I can’t wait to see you again
CB: smiling emoji I’d like to see you again too
B2: smiling emoji (Then I ended the text with I’ll check in with you later,….etc etc… )
Hours later, after consulting with my friend, I text him and asked what he thought about meeting up again on Saturday. B2: I would love to.
I suggested a picnic. We each bring a few things to share. He’s picking the spot to meet at. (with a restroom at my request ..lol..) Haven’t figured out a time, (it will be in daylight; no sunsets for me) but the plans are basically in place. Sure I took the ball out of the court and ran with it, but I tossed it back to him. We’ll see where it ends up. I’m just happy to be making a new friend if anything. Enjoying the company of someone new
A daytime coffee date does not require an “I’m home safe” text.
Uuuummm no text is required. It’s a subtle way of showing interest. If a girl doesn’t text me when she gets home there is no second date because I assume she isn’t interested.
WHAT!?!! His text came in the late afternoon. I was out all day with D4, had just got home. Following his lead with small chat, at times I imagined we were both starring at the screen at the same time, wondering what to say next. And then the words came….
B2: I had a really good time with you yesterday
CB: I had a really good time with you too
B2: I can’t wait to see you again
CB: smiling emoji I’d like to see you again too
B2: smiling emoji (Then I ended the text with I’ll check in with you later,….etc etc… )
Hours later, after consulting with my friend, I text him and asked what he thought about meeting up again on Saturday. B2: I would love to.
I suggested a picnic. We each bring a few things to share. He’s picking the spot to meet at. (with a restroom at my request ..lol..) Haven’t figured out a time, (it will be in daylight; no sunsets for me) but the plans are basically in place. Sure I took the ball out of the court and ran with it, but I tossed it back to him. We’ll see where it ends up. I’m just happy to be making a new friend if anything. Enjoying the company of someone new
Glad it worked out for you!
That's great! Most women wait for men to take that initiative. The opposite is fun, too. A picnic has so much potential as a romantic second date! I remember my last one.. the lady brought glassware, a waterproof picnic blanket, and something home baked. I felt special and she definitely got a kiss and a third date. Hope yours is magical!
A daytime coffee date does not require an “I’m home safe” text.
I was going to say... lol. Unless she lives in Pakistan or one of the lawless free for all “autonomous communities” in Seattle or Oregon or someplace, or it’s a huge snow storm or thunderstorms or something, it’s not like a high risk commute. I’ve always thought, what’s the point. It’s really just more an excuse to make contact and as LH says, a way to potentially gauge interest. Who checks on us all of the other times we travel from point A to point B? If out with your buddies do you text each other to say “I made it home safely”. Lol.
So it appears both of you are at least interested enough in a second date. A picnic, hmmmmmmm, as a real first date. Hmmmmmm, might be a bit intimate and pressure. Activities are sometimes easier to navigate as you have things to do, things to comment on or react to. A picnic is much more intimate and relies totally on the two of you to carry it and do the heavy lifting. Just my take on it. Although if it goes well it may point to greater potential than an activity where you basically just need to show up rather than show up AND bring your A game.
Just remember it’s only a second date. Far too soon to be even considering putting all your eggs into his basket.
Activities are sometimes easier to navigate as you have things to do, things to comment on or react to.
I agree--hopefully, Mr. Romeo puts thought into the picnic venue! My last three picnic dates--one involved a stroll around a rose garden (dud), the other a short hike to a lake (romantic), the third.. a secluded spot. (:
I would normally agree with Don about the picnic date being too much pressure for a first date, but given Covid, it's probably the safest setting for a date right now.
As for the "text me to let me know when you get home" stuff - it IS chivalrous if it's an evening date, especially if alcohol was involved. The truth is, it's a dangerous world out there for women. On the other hand, the feminist in me kinda wants to shout "How do you think I get home all the OTHER nights?" lol. No, really, guys, it's a thoughtful touch even if it's at night, a bit unnecessary like opening a door or pulling out a chair, but generally appreciated and taken as a sign of good manners.
Lol. Ok so yes no “I’m home text” is required. You guys are 100% percent without out a doubt absolutely positively correct.
Now if you actually listened to canbird she said she wanted to let him know she was interested without being to forward.
Soooooo I suggest next time sending a text “ I made it home safe and had a good time”. Shows interest without being desperate.
So to clarify one more time that a “I’m home safe” text is NOT required.
But aside from all that, what have you LEARNED about him so far? Any red flags yet?
But aside from all that, what have you LEARNED about him so far? Any red flags yet?
No red flags.
I learned a lot about him. Not going to go into detail, but he talked about were he grew up, shared funny stories from his childhood, to the present. His hobbies and interests. His dog. It was one of those kind of conversations you'd have on a long flight with a kind stranger, pre-covid. I couldn't stop looking at his manly hands. Hard working, and he likes painting. I like seeing hands; they tell a story. And he's got his own sense of style! Fun and unique. I totally made note of everything he was wearing.
Well see how the next one goes...
A daytime coffee date does not require an “I’m home safe” text.
I was going to say... lol. Unless she lives in Pakistan or one of the lawless free for all “autonomous communities” in Seattle or Oregon or someplace, or it’s a huge snow storm or thunderstorms or something, it’s not like a high risk commute. I’ve always thought, what’s the point. It’s really just more an excuse to make contact and as LH says, a way to potentially gauge interest. Who checks on us all of the other times we travel from point A to point B? If out with your buddies do you text each other to say “I made it home safely”. Lol.
So it appears both of you are at least interested enough in a second date. A picnic, hmmmmmmm, as a real first date. Hmmmmmm, might be a bit intimate and pressure. Activities are sometimes easier to navigate as you have things to do, things to comment on or react to. A picnic is much more intimate and relies totally on the two of you to carry it and do the heavy lifting. Just my take on it. Although if it goes well it may point to greater potential than an activity where you basically just need to show up rather than show up AND bring your A game.
Just remember it’s only a second date. Far too soon to be even considering putting all your eggs into his basket.
Hi DonH, thanks for your comment.
Do to Covid, I thought a picnic would be a safe thing to do, and the weather is perfect for it. Depending on where the location is, we might be able to do an activity too. (ie Bocci Ball, toss a frisbee, scrabble). Honestly, I like to do things outdoor that are creative and inexpensive. I'm not to sure what's open to the public anyway. Being a Saturday, and we live in a tourist destination, an intimate picnic away from visitors would be welcome. But, not too secluded.
It's just a date. I'm just excited to have a new adult to talk to!
Activities are sometimes easier to navigate as you have things to do, things to comment on or react to.
I agree--hopefully, Mr. Romeo puts thought into the picnic venue! My last three picnic dates--one involved a stroll around a rose garden (dud), the other a short hike to a lake (romantic), the third.. a secluded spot. (:
Hi CWarrior. I have a feeling B2 will do well. He likes to draw, paint, so I'm hoping the artist in him is thinking of a great place. As long as the weather cooperates. All you can do is go with the flow.
I would normally agree with Don about the picnic date being too much pressure for a first date, but given Covid, it's probably the safest setting for a date right now.
As for the "text me to let me know when you get home" stuff - it IS chivalrous if it's an evening date, especially if alcohol was involved. The truth is, it's a dangerous world out there for women. On the other hand, the feminist in me kinda wants to shout "How do you think I get home all the OTHER nights?" lol. No, really, guys, it's a thoughtful touch even if it's at night, a bit unnecessary like opening a door or pulling out a chair, but generally appreciated and taken as a sign of good manners.
Hi kml, yeah, covid dates are tricky. And planning around my kiddo too. We live in a touristy place, not even sure what's open activity wise, but like most that live here, you want to get away from everyone. It is a dangerous world out there. I'm bringing a whistle with me, doubt I'll need it, but I'll have one. Not even sure where we're going, but I did ask that it's a place with a restroom..lol... Daylight meetings (we both don't like driving at night; bad vision) and no alcohol.
Manners are huge for me. I'll be watching for sure.
Do you have a friend who can accidentally and not on purpose just happen to wander by about an hour in?
Sounds like a great start CanBird. Re: texting someone you just went out with that you made it home safe... To me, that’s kind of like texting someone “you’re welcome” before they say “thank you”. What impresses me is when a guy texts me to make sure I made it home safe. Or...if he asks me at the end of the date to text him that so he knows I made it home. Otherwise, I wouldn’t bother texting him as doing so presumes a level of concern on his end that may not be there. What I would do, however, is text my friend to let her know I made it home safe as I would have prearranged that since I was going out with a stranger. Anyway...just my two cents. Hope your second date is everything you want it to be.
Yeah - do not do the work for him. If he hasn't got enough energy for you to make the first move, he may not be the date you want. This is a good rule of thumb to follow. You never know what a guy might offer if you beat him to the punch all the time. Be patient and allow time for his true self to show through.
Has he been married? Had kids? Is he in the same stage of life as you? How's his sense of humor?
Oh - and please google him just to make sure he's not a known serial killer or child molester. Just read a story in the Washington Post about a woman who was in a relationship for several years with a guy, they had just moved into a new house they had purchased together, things seem rosy, the she finds out he has a whole other relationship with a woman with kids AND has been having casual sex on business trips AND has a prior conviction for child molestation! She could have been saved a boatload of trouble if she'd done a background check first.
Oh - and please google him just to make sure he's not a known serial killer or child molester. Just read a story in the Washington Post about a woman who was in a relationship for several years with a guy, they had just moved into a new house they had purchased together, things seem rosy, the she finds out he has a whole other relationship with a woman with kids AND has been having casual sex on business trips AND has a prior conviction for child molestation! She could have been saved a boatload of trouble if she'd done a background check first.
Of course I Googled him. Nothing came up.
That's a crazy story you shared! I'll keep my radar on high alert
Happy to report; so we know I'm alive and well. D4 had an all day playdate while I was "adulting". Her playdate ended up with a sleepover. Not mine; too soon..lol...
Overall my date went well. I had a good time. Location was perfect beach park for bocce ball, and very picturesque being ocean side. I brought so much stuff I used a wagon..lol.. the perks of being a mom. Bach2 pulled up just shortly after I did. We text each other on our status before had, which I appreciated. He was a total gentlemen and help me with my wagon. We picked a spot, got settled and unloaded our goods to chow down on our picnic foods.
Shortly after we finished, it got a little over cast really quick. I had heard flash flood warnings, but it was so clear out. Well, we could see grey clouds coming our way, so we scrambled to pack up and I suggested we tailgate and we did.
Neither of us cared if we'd gotten wet, as we both had swim wear on. Mine was under my shorts & top. Any way, we put most everything in my truck & tailgated for a bit. I pulled out the connect 4 that I had packed and we played a few rounds of that. The conversation was easy.
When the rain stopped, the sun came back and it was clear skies ahead. We had both eaten enough, so just had a blanket and bocce and our drinks (him soda, me iced tea). We played a few rounds, chatted as we played, stopped and chatted, let some random kids play. It was all good. It was getting late, and I didn't have my phone on me; it was left in the truck. I left to check it, he went to the restroom. My friend had text and D4 ended up sleeping over her friends and that was great. No rush for me.
Bach2 and I moved our blanket to a spot for sunset, among all the other viewer, at a safe distance of course. As we were sitting, I noticed I could smell cig smoke, and it was coming from his breath. No biggy; it was in his profile as occasional. I asked him what that meant (1 pack a week), and he said he wanted to quit.... his mom had heath problems.... any way. I was turned off by the smokers breath and had no interest on getting physically closer. It was a real turn off. Prior to that, at the beginning of the date, I was still trying to figure out how I was feeling physically about him. Sure there's a little spark, he's kind of cute, but.... there's a but.... a hesitation... the little things we pick at. And I'm sure there are things about me that he might be picking apart.
The sunset, we walked to the lot, and we were parked side by side. We hugged and shrugged. What? It was nice, I enjoyed his company, I like his hugs, but I don't know if there's anything more.... We didn't say anything, and we didn't text each other that night.... we both hugged, kind of smiled and shrugged at each other like, "Yes? No? What do you think? Maybe?"
Any way, that was the date. Do I want to see him again? I don't know. What didn't I like about him? The smoking. I'm not sure he really takes care of himself (ie eats health and exercises) not looking for an athlete, but someone that cares about themselves (including cuts their toe nails...) So his physical body; it needs some tlc... I could get past that, he's got no hair under his hat (but lots coming out from the sides... does that make sense?) I may sound shallow, I admit that. I don't know about this guy. Maybe one more date? I don't know...
Regardless of how it went, sound like you are doing all the right things Can. Kudos to you for getting out there. Be interested to hear if you go out again or not.
Hi CanBird,
I feel you on the little things that make us say "Yes!" or "No!" on first dates. I've discarded people for reasons I regret ("wearing high heels") and ones I'm good with ("polyamorous"). Smoking is a toughie. I could tolerate "occasionally" like my brother who smokes maybe once a year if someone breaks out Cuban cigars. Toe nails? Teachable! Baldness? We all have shallow preferences. I think that's okay, as long as you don't weigh them higher than inner qualities. Marie Kondo would say move on. It's a tough call on whether a 2nd chance beats a new random date. (:
Just a word about the smoking - don’t expect it to stop. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, move on.
I overlooked smoking with crazy ex boyfriend. He was the first and only person I ever dated who smoked. He also claimed to be a light smoker who was going to quit, but he never really tried. (Mind you, I’m not blaming smokers, it’s a really tough addiction to break). He was respectful, but I wouldn’t pick a smoker again.
Just a word about the smoking - don’t expect it to stop. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, move on.
It’s so common for people to say they are an occasional smoker. That’s sorta like being an occasional heroine user. Sure heroin or opioids have the psychological addiction. However all of them have physical addiction. And it’s nearly impossible to smoke and not become physically addicted to the nicotine. When the withdraws kick in they can’t really help but feed that biological drive. Now I’ve seen people taper down to a couple a day. It’s those last couple that are hard to break. Maybe, possibly, that could be the occasional smoker. While not a pack a day or even half a pack a day it’s regular and often daily. Don’t trust anyone who says it’s occasional. They are lying to you and to themselves. It’s their way of trying to spin or minimize the truth. I’ve met far too many who claimed to be “occasional” and a day or two was the max they could go without.
But you knew this going in. Telling that it was an issue even though you overlooked it at the start. Toe nails. Now that’s a new one. I remember someone telling a friend of mine her next guy would have to like Oreo cookies. OMG run away. Run fast!
You’re just not into him. And that’s okay. No harm if you want to try one more but he will still be a smoker. He will still be bald. He could cut his toe nails so 1 out of 3 maybe. There was just no spark. That’s okay.
I agree. You’re doing this well. You’re taking the steps, giving the chance. Unless you’re willing to overlook a lot, as some tend to do so they can be with someone, you might find it. If you are picky and stick to you standards, it’s much ,I have harder. Trust me!
Hi Don,
Telling that it was an issue even though you overlooked it at the start. Don’t trust anyone who says it’s occasional. They are lying to you and to themselves.
I agree her suitor is probably addicted based on wanting to quit AND not being able to go a whole date without smoking--but I disagree everyone who marks "occasional" is lying. My sister has quit and restarted countless times--she's "occasional". My brother smokes a cigar when a friend's baby is born or a friend returns from Cuba--that's less than once per year--he's also "occasional". I don't know why most become addicted to nicotine and some don't. I'm not dating yet. When I do, this thread is making me think maybe I'll clarify "occasional" before a date as a potential deal-breaker. In the past, as a non-smoker, I've had the same reaction as Canbird.
If you're following along on my dating journey, we left off on date#2 with Bach2.
He was really nice, sweet etc etc, but friend zone for me. I didn't see me wanting a third date badly enough. The fact that I was unsure, and leaning towards no (see my reasons in my last post), and a few conversations with gfs, I decided that it was only fair text Bach2 my thoughts.
One gf, I call her my Sunsai, said "if you feel he needs any fixing, or help to make himself healthier do you really want to that on?" And the answer is not really. And so I sent Bach2 a kind text. He seems like a nice guy, so I may get a thank you or no worries reply. Honestly is best. I'd want the same.
I took a quick peek-a-boo at my POF profile, as I've been off for awhile. I've got male...lol...
To Be Continued....
A gf of mine (who's in a relationship) wants me to come with her & have dinner a her male BFFs house. M-BFF's room mate is divorced and single AND is very handsome. My gf and her M-BFF seem pretty excited about it. I the guys picture and he might be too pretty for me...lol. but whatever. It's all about getting out there are meeting people.
Bach2 didn't reply last week to the text I sent him. ("hope we can be friends"..) That's not what I said, but that's the gist of it. I was actually sad that week and really felt bad that I ended things before they got started. Did I hurt his feelings? He's a really nice guy. One thing that I wasn't honest about, was that I didn't like that he smoked. I didn't express that in my text. That bothered me, that I wasn't honest with him or myself. So, I text him today, and he sent a nice reply, and a smiley winky face emoji. That really made my day and I learned a valuable lesson. Just be yourself and be honest.
I haven't had anyone really catch my eye online, and that's okay. It's just a fun way to meet people. I've had to say no thank you to a few. I might have to change my profile so not to attract the wrong guys. Most are WAY to old. Or they don't live anywhere near me.
Zero Expectations. Except laughs. I DO expect laughs...
Did you come through the floods okay?
Did you come through the floods okay?
Hi kml, D4 and I are fine. Thank you for asking. Our area was not hit. Lots of rain for sure, but we're good.
Good! Got a little worried when you weren't posting.
Last night as I was viewing the "singles-sites", I was surprised to see Bach #2 had sent me a msg. I smiled. Was pleasantly surprised. It's been a month since we stopped chatting. (I ended it mostly because he smoked cigs..occasionally. Read full details a few posts back).
His msg was sent the evening before, 1045ish. Just a simple "hi, how are you this evening". I can't remember what I was doing that evening, but I missed the msg then. After reading it, I didn't know how to reply, so I didn't. But I want to. He's literally the only normal person I've chatted with! Will think of something.
There is a new guy I've chatting with, but he came on a little strong. I called him on it, he apologized and we're still chatting. But frankly, I'm board with this guy. There's zero conversation going on. He doesn't ask me anything about myself. I think he's just "fishing".
Bach #2 was great, except for the smoking, not sure he's in great health either, kind of let himself go a bit. I could get past that physical stuff. He's a great guy, a sweet guy, we really got on well, I did have those tingles of excitement, there was some attraction otherwise there wouldn't have been a 2nd date. Maybe there should have been a third?
Thought?
Ps- Have not met my gf cute friend yet. Not caring really. He's too pretty..lol..
Hi CanBird, well, the last dating book I read "How Not To Die Alone" strongly encourages at least second dates unless there are red flags and putting off "Is he the love of my life?" and rather answering "Would I enjoy another date?" It's by someone who worked at Bumble and I guess they feel we are often bombarded with too many options when dating and we often make snap judgments on criteria like 5'8" vs 5'9" or how photogenic they are.
Is smoking a dealbreaker for you? If yes, I wouldn't date him.
I've only dated non-smokers before. I admit reading about Bach #2 is making me re-think that stance. It seems similar to a known health condition like "family history of cancer". I'd be more worried if I saw myself introducing them to my children since he'd be modeling a bad habit that could dramatically shorten their lives.
Thursday I got 5 msgs from exH. "Planning to visit D4 next week".
The last, "Returning to (other state for work) Apil 15th".
He says he's looking for a place to stay. Much better for all. I have a feeling he'll bring his mom with him. Love my in laws. D4 would love to see her. We'll see.
A little back story: exh has always worked out of state. Since D4 was born, it's been a seasonal 6 months away. So she's use to dad being away for long times. While he was away, he did contact her here & there. When he finished work, it just stopped. Except Christmas. They did a video chat. But no other forms of contact at all.
D4 is fine. We talk. She gets what our D means. She's sassy, like me, but happy. It's a blessing that her dad worked away so much. She doesn't miss him, because he was never here. She doesn't ask to contact him. I don't push her too, but if I think she might want to I ask & go with what she wants. (Unless it's a special occasion... I'd encourage her a lot more). Should I be making her contact her dad more? Maybe that's a question to ask him? Or he can talk to his daughter about it.
He hasn't told me where he is now, but I know. And I know he's been out of the country for at least 3-4 months. (EU). He's a WAS/MLC. Just goes to show that his new life comes first.
I put his remaining items in the garage. Doubt he'll take anything, but one never knows.
There's some unresolved things we need sign off on when he's here. Let us pray it goes my way.
Hoping it all goes well! Don’t know why you think MIL is coming, but if she is, maybe she will help influence him to sign off on things and be done.
As for calling D - he has your number, he could call and talk to her any time. You haven’t stood in the way. Clearly being a parent is not a priority for him and he’s not attached the way a parent should be to a child. Keep being responsive to your daughter when she wants to contact him, but I wouldn’t push her when she’s not interested.
I agree with KML. Make him do the work on that one. I think it is a blessing in disguise that she was used to not seeing him. To her, everything is normal and it doesn’t feel like a loss. That’s great. As she gets older, she will decide for herself how much contact she wants with her dad. Likely she will become aware of other kids who have their dads around full time and her curiosity will increase. That’s what happened with my XH and his daughter. He had never met her and then she started getting curious about him once she started going to school. They met about eight months after we had gotten together and it was difficult because the bond that happens when you raise a child from birth was not there...for either of them. Seeing that, I tried really hard to pave the way for them to form a bond but after 11 years of dealing with her mom (to take the stress off of XH) and pushing him to do more, I eventually left it up to them. They almost made it but after the affair was discovered and his daughter started to look back on his behaviour and how it related to the times he hadn’t been there for her, she decided she couldn’t trust him and that her life was better without him in it. That is where things currently stand and it saddens me. I’m hoping there will be an opportunity for them to have some kind of a positive relationship in the future but that will be up to them. So...my advice, from that experience, is to let them figure it out. Don’t get in the way of it. If he reaches out, help them to be in touch but don’t try to make it happen or make promises on his behalf. That just adds to her disappointment if he doesn’t follow through. Just be the awesome mom you are and see what happens.
Btw...regarding date #3 with Bach #2. I’m leaning towards not having it. It sounds to me that your intuition is telling you he’s not right for you and your brain is just trying to come up with some good objective reasons to justify it. There are lots of great guys out there but it doesn’t mean you should date all of them. He deserves to be with someone who thinks he is “it” and so do you. Be patient. He’s out there. (((Hugs)))
Hi CanBird,
I love reading your posts. I hope you and D are doing well. Yes, make your ex do the work. Don’t make it difficult for him but don’t do things FOR him.
Although Bach 2 sounds nice, I say pass. I have very few deal breakers but smoking is a no go for me as well. Makes my eyes water and I can’t stand the smell. Doesn’t make him a bad guy (we all have flaws-I have a long list of them :-) but doesn’t sound like he’s your guy.
Keep going :-)
HELLO! OH what a crazy month April was! XH and MIL came and stayed at a condo for 2 wks. D4 stayed with them.
XH and I finally sat down and negotiated me keeping the house. YAY!!
MIL stayed on with D4 and I for another week. Loved having her here. She confided that she's getting a D and wants to move closer to us. Her and XH were talking about getting a place. That would be great! We'll see.
NEW Bachelor NEWS!! I've been busy busy with a new job; teleworking, health care. Any way, I still look, and even have it posted that I'm busy, but still look. Well, I've been chatting with this guy, who just happens to be moving here next week! We've really hit it off. I hope he's for real. You never know right. He's already offered his number, and I said I'd like to wait until we're in the same time zone, get to know each other a bit more. I'm excited about this one!
Divorced, has kids (I haven't asked, but assuming the are adult), has a job he likes, we have common interests, the banter and conversation is easy. Fun... he's got a quirky smile, nice blue eyes, and a shiny nicely shaped head. If you don't have any hair, just let it go man! Men have it so easy...lol...
Well see... to be continued....
ps-- I think I'm actually ready for a beer with this one.
Glad those ducks seem to be lining up!
As for the bachelor - keep your spidey senses alert. I’m always suspicious of those guys that are “moving to your area soon”. First of all - who goes looking for dates before you’ve even arrived and unpacked? Second - often these turn out to be guys who are actually only visiting (vacation or business trip), who are actually married and just looking to line up some fun on the side while they are out of the house. So do your due diligence, keep a sharp eye out for any inconsistencies, do some internet snooping.
I think it would be great if ex-MIl moved nearby, because she could be a lot of help with your daughter. A loving grandma is a good thing.
It's been forever since I've posted. Around the end of May.
Last date with bachelor 3 was good, but there was not spark. I took a break, dealt with taking over my house and here we are. Oh! I should mention I had a reading done and he said "now is the time! A protector. Well, bachelor #4 is a police officer.
We just started Texting a few days ago. Prior to that, here & there online. We were going to meet tonight, but he had to work. All good, I was exhausted.
Fingers 🤞there's something.
Hi Canbird,
It is so good to see that you are thriving! It’s funny you mentioned having a reading done. D26 is into psychics and I have toyed with having a reading. I just might for fun.
Anyway, glad to read everything is going well. Did MIL end up moving closer? I’m glad you have her.
Stay well.
PLC
Hi ((((Canbird))) Wow you are lining up those ducks!! Glad to read your latest update!