Fumbling my way forward - 10/22/20 10:36 PM
Here is my last thread in the DB Newcomer forum: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2830864&page=1
Shifting to this one now as I have been divorced since March of 2019 and not looking back.
However I do still deal with a lot of issues and anxiety as a result. I have been seeing someone for about a year and a half now and it's a long story but we are growing together. I'd like to continue some journaling and advice-asking through this process of continuing to heal but also continuing to grow forward.
Currently what drove me to come here is my SO has asked me if I want to attend a baby shower for one of his friends. It's a female friend, who (before me) (several years before) he did have sexual relations with but who he has claimed he has remained friends with even after that all stopped. When I asked why they never took it further he admits she didn't seem to be the right person for a relationship.
I can validate that, as in the early stages of our relationship (but long enough to be established and we were public about it) this person was still interacting with my SO in inappropriate ways (not physically/in person as he has only seen her for lunch one time very, very early in our relationship, but it's things like sharing dirty/off-color jokes on social media).
He has told me she is just that kind of girl (part of the reason they get along well, because he takes almost nothing seriously) and I was equally very clear that I can understand if up to now it was intended to be "innocent" fun with a friend, but that at this point he now is in a serious relationship and I find it to be disrespectful and inappropriate. He addressed it with her, he claims she understood, and I have noticed it doesn't seem to really happen anymore.
So that brings us to this point where I'm now being asked to attend her baby shower. I have very intense feelings about this and trying figure out how to handle them AND how to address with my SO.
On one hand, I have no doubt in my mind that my SO is not involved with her in any kind of appropriate way at this point in time. I mean for goodness sakes, she's pregnant now and while I know people are crazy and do anything, I truly don't think this is one of those cases. But I also just don't feel like I know this person at all after all the time I've been with my SO (they only casually check in with each other here and there), and why she remains as someone he cares so much about as a friend when I haven't even met her (I can see his argument being that now I have the chance to meet her). Also, case in point on her character/life choices, she's not even in a serious relationship - in fact last I heard some time ago she was seeing a guy who was abusive to her - so it was definitely interesting and validating to my perspective of her, and just generally feeling like I want nothing to do with this trainwreck of a person in my or my SO's life.
Yet I don't feel like I have any tangible reason to protest their friendship or the invitation to meet her. I recognize I may feel like there has been a crime personally against me when their hasn't been, and in reality I just don't like this person and resent that my SO feels the need to keep someone like her around that I feel brings no value to his life as it stands today.
I can't figure out if it's valid for me to expect that he cut someone out of his life just because he's had sex with them in the past and their character doesn't align with my values. My SO has told me he would never let her cause an issue with our relationship and I feel my only choice is to respect that despite my feelings.
I also just don't know how the h3LL am I supposed to behave in front of this person that I have a serious negative opinion about. I know it makes no sense to project on her if I don't feel she is actively disrespecting me, and that even IF that were the case, the onus is on my SO to defend that in this case, since they own the relationship with each other and nothing will happen in my relationship that me or my SO don't allow to... right??
My dream solution would be for my SO to agree with me that she is trashy and not worth being in his life anymore. I don't understand what his attachment to her is, but do understand that my SO is very defensive about not being told who he can and can't be friends with. This is a point I understand, to an extent. Again it's absolutely true that he's not actively doing anything wrong, but I do still believe my feelings are valid and others may agree with me, but I haven't found a way to get him to understand why negative feelings can be valid even though they are not accusatory toward him.
Am I supposed to just be a good sport for my SO, be all normal and nice and just coast through it? How much responsibility does my SO have to make me feel comfortable meeting this person? For the record, he asked me if I wanted to come and was clear that he would be going whether or not I wanted to. I told him I would but that I'd like to talk about it to somehow acknowledge and address my discomfort about her, and he is willing to do that later today after work, but I'm not sure if this falls into one of those stupid subjective categories, like when some people don't care if their SO's are still friends with exes while others do?
My initial plan is to explain to my SO that he has not really done very much to expose me to the nature of his current relationship with this person, e.g. he never tells me "oh my friend called today just to see how things were" or "so and so texted me today" etc. so all I have to go on is the negative interactions I know about. Every once in a while if I ask about her he will say oh we exchange a few messages here and there, and he tells me she asks how WE are doing, etc. but that's really it. They never hang out, I never hear them talk on the phone, etc. and he never really volunteers any information about her. He doesn't see the validity in "having" to share when a friend calls him - which again, I see logic behind, but also feel there are certain situations where you protect your relationship at all costs and don't gamble with something seeming shady.
I feel like I need to ask him to tell me in more detail what their relationship is based on and his opinion on how he thinks I should feel based on what I know or don't know about them. I have a feeling he will downplay some of this because he is the type of person who doesn't care - i.e. if I told him to put the shoe on the other foot I guarantee he would say "I know you're not doing anything wrong so it wouldn't be an issue." He literally doesn't ever ask me about if I've talked to X or Y friend, doesn't pay attention to what gets posted on my social media, so all of these things just seem extra to him on my part when I would argue he's uniquely lax! Again, unless there is hard evidence of wrongdoing, I really struggle putting things into perspective or validating where I stand in situations like this with him.
My dream is to be that woman who could show up to this thing, with my man completely smitten with me while we are there so I am 1,000% validated in the moment, not being overly friendly or cutesy with this friend but putting that level of separation and "redefinition" between them, and then going on my merry way with this other girl knowing she can't touch me.
And again as I type that out it seems clear that my SO has the majority of the control in this situation and can drive how it unfolds, AND in parallel I know that my own confidence and anger or whatever it is should also have nothing to do with this other girl or even him, for that matter (I do believe belonging is a key element of the human condition and we are not totally wrong to want and expect validation from people to a certain extent, but I admit I care way too much about what other people think of me).
One last point... we do go to counseling together, because I asked for him to agree to that early on in our relationship to simply help us work through issues and grow together, since that was a big problem in my marriage. It has helped and I'm sure we will talk through this situation soon at counseling as well, so that's good news, but right now I'm having a mild physical reaction to even thinking about this event and the conversation with my SO...
Anyway this is clearly just a rambling mess at this point, so whatever you can manage to decode from this, I appreciate the insights.
Shifting to this one now as I have been divorced since March of 2019 and not looking back.
However I do still deal with a lot of issues and anxiety as a result. I have been seeing someone for about a year and a half now and it's a long story but we are growing together. I'd like to continue some journaling and advice-asking through this process of continuing to heal but also continuing to grow forward.
Currently what drove me to come here is my SO has asked me if I want to attend a baby shower for one of his friends. It's a female friend, who (before me) (several years before) he did have sexual relations with but who he has claimed he has remained friends with even after that all stopped. When I asked why they never took it further he admits she didn't seem to be the right person for a relationship.
I can validate that, as in the early stages of our relationship (but long enough to be established and we were public about it) this person was still interacting with my SO in inappropriate ways (not physically/in person as he has only seen her for lunch one time very, very early in our relationship, but it's things like sharing dirty/off-color jokes on social media).
He has told me she is just that kind of girl (part of the reason they get along well, because he takes almost nothing seriously) and I was equally very clear that I can understand if up to now it was intended to be "innocent" fun with a friend, but that at this point he now is in a serious relationship and I find it to be disrespectful and inappropriate. He addressed it with her, he claims she understood, and I have noticed it doesn't seem to really happen anymore.
So that brings us to this point where I'm now being asked to attend her baby shower. I have very intense feelings about this and trying figure out how to handle them AND how to address with my SO.
On one hand, I have no doubt in my mind that my SO is not involved with her in any kind of appropriate way at this point in time. I mean for goodness sakes, she's pregnant now and while I know people are crazy and do anything, I truly don't think this is one of those cases. But I also just don't feel like I know this person at all after all the time I've been with my SO (they only casually check in with each other here and there), and why she remains as someone he cares so much about as a friend when I haven't even met her (I can see his argument being that now I have the chance to meet her). Also, case in point on her character/life choices, she's not even in a serious relationship - in fact last I heard some time ago she was seeing a guy who was abusive to her - so it was definitely interesting and validating to my perspective of her, and just generally feeling like I want nothing to do with this trainwreck of a person in my or my SO's life.
Yet I don't feel like I have any tangible reason to protest their friendship or the invitation to meet her. I recognize I may feel like there has been a crime personally against me when their hasn't been, and in reality I just don't like this person and resent that my SO feels the need to keep someone like her around that I feel brings no value to his life as it stands today.
I can't figure out if it's valid for me to expect that he cut someone out of his life just because he's had sex with them in the past and their character doesn't align with my values. My SO has told me he would never let her cause an issue with our relationship and I feel my only choice is to respect that despite my feelings.
I also just don't know how the h3LL am I supposed to behave in front of this person that I have a serious negative opinion about. I know it makes no sense to project on her if I don't feel she is actively disrespecting me, and that even IF that were the case, the onus is on my SO to defend that in this case, since they own the relationship with each other and nothing will happen in my relationship that me or my SO don't allow to... right??
My dream solution would be for my SO to agree with me that she is trashy and not worth being in his life anymore. I don't understand what his attachment to her is, but do understand that my SO is very defensive about not being told who he can and can't be friends with. This is a point I understand, to an extent. Again it's absolutely true that he's not actively doing anything wrong, but I do still believe my feelings are valid and others may agree with me, but I haven't found a way to get him to understand why negative feelings can be valid even though they are not accusatory toward him.
Am I supposed to just be a good sport for my SO, be all normal and nice and just coast through it? How much responsibility does my SO have to make me feel comfortable meeting this person? For the record, he asked me if I wanted to come and was clear that he would be going whether or not I wanted to. I told him I would but that I'd like to talk about it to somehow acknowledge and address my discomfort about her, and he is willing to do that later today after work, but I'm not sure if this falls into one of those stupid subjective categories, like when some people don't care if their SO's are still friends with exes while others do?
My initial plan is to explain to my SO that he has not really done very much to expose me to the nature of his current relationship with this person, e.g. he never tells me "oh my friend called today just to see how things were" or "so and so texted me today" etc. so all I have to go on is the negative interactions I know about. Every once in a while if I ask about her he will say oh we exchange a few messages here and there, and he tells me she asks how WE are doing, etc. but that's really it. They never hang out, I never hear them talk on the phone, etc. and he never really volunteers any information about her. He doesn't see the validity in "having" to share when a friend calls him - which again, I see logic behind, but also feel there are certain situations where you protect your relationship at all costs and don't gamble with something seeming shady.
I feel like I need to ask him to tell me in more detail what their relationship is based on and his opinion on how he thinks I should feel based on what I know or don't know about them. I have a feeling he will downplay some of this because he is the type of person who doesn't care - i.e. if I told him to put the shoe on the other foot I guarantee he would say "I know you're not doing anything wrong so it wouldn't be an issue." He literally doesn't ever ask me about if I've talked to X or Y friend, doesn't pay attention to what gets posted on my social media, so all of these things just seem extra to him on my part when I would argue he's uniquely lax! Again, unless there is hard evidence of wrongdoing, I really struggle putting things into perspective or validating where I stand in situations like this with him.
My dream is to be that woman who could show up to this thing, with my man completely smitten with me while we are there so I am 1,000% validated in the moment, not being overly friendly or cutesy with this friend but putting that level of separation and "redefinition" between them, and then going on my merry way with this other girl knowing she can't touch me.
And again as I type that out it seems clear that my SO has the majority of the control in this situation and can drive how it unfolds, AND in parallel I know that my own confidence and anger or whatever it is should also have nothing to do with this other girl or even him, for that matter (I do believe belonging is a key element of the human condition and we are not totally wrong to want and expect validation from people to a certain extent, but I admit I care way too much about what other people think of me).
One last point... we do go to counseling together, because I asked for him to agree to that early on in our relationship to simply help us work through issues and grow together, since that was a big problem in my marriage. It has helped and I'm sure we will talk through this situation soon at counseling as well, so that's good news, but right now I'm having a mild physical reaction to even thinking about this event and the conversation with my SO...
Anyway this is clearly just a rambling mess at this point, so whatever you can manage to decode from this, I appreciate the insights.