Hello all! After lurking here for a couple of weeks, I decided to post in this section. A look at 'newcomers' brought back the horror of 20 years ago. Yes, you read that correctly. I've been divorced for 20 years which is longer than I was married (12 years). I'm looking for some advice or thoughts about dating again.
Other than a handful of dates in the couple of years immediately following my divorce, I chose not to date. I had a lot of healing to do stemming from some childhood issues and the damage done from a bad marriage. Weeks turned in to months and months turned into years, I just got really comfortable with living life on my own terms. Probably too comfortable. I'm introverted and can spend large amounts of time by myself and actually enjoy it.
Life during a pandemic has caused me to reevaluate my choices. I'm not looking to get married again but I do miss male companionship and point of view. I'm in my late 50's and in good health but I have no idea where to start anymore.
Any thoughts or suggestions?
Well have you read DB or DR,
I say DB101 start with a beginners mind.
You need to learn the basics so as not to repeat history
I've read Divorcebusting as well as many other books dedicated to saving marriages. I committed 3 years of my life to weekly therapy sessions to gain insight into my own contributions to the problems in the marriage. But I've yet to test the waters and apply what I've learned.
Maybe I'm better off sticking with the status quo.
Maybe I'm better off sticking with the status quo.
Why do you say that?
Hello SJay! I know the idea of getting back out there after being on your own for so long is challenging. I’m a introvert also and spent the last 6 years basically single. I would dip my toes in here and there but nothing ever got past a couple dates. I got very comfortable being single and independent, but miss that companionship also. There’s several online dating apps you could try for free (bumble, coffee meets bagel) or even some paid sites. Unfortunately with Covid going on and being an introvert, meeting someone online makes the most sense. I’d ask any friends or even family you have to help look into it and see their experiences. You’ll just need to jump into it and start chatting with people, then you can get a feel if they’re worth getting to know more. I know the status quo feels comfortable, but you posted the thoughts for a reason, so it’s something you still want. Don’t let the fear of the unknown stop you from exploring things further.
Maybe I'm better off sticking with the status quo.
Why do you say that?
Things are pretty good just the way they are. I have a job I enjoy, a paid-for home, and some money in the bank. I have a group of like minded independent females for social support. Sometimes I wonder if it could be better yet.
Thank you for the thoughtful reply. It is a challenge to get back out there, especially after a 20 year gap. It seems that many people cannot imagine remaining single and not dating for that long. It feels like that lengthy gap between jobs on a resume that needs explaining during an interview,
It's nice to hear from a fellow introvert. I meet a fair amount of extroverts who are unable to grasp the concept of alone time. For me, it's a necessity.
Another issue I've encountered is that due to the length of time since my divorce and actively working on myself, I've made peace with my divorce. I meet people in various stages of having an axe to grind with their ex. I understand because it's part of the process but I don't want to be used for a grindstone, if that makes sense.
I appreciate you input, I may try the dating apps!
Maybe I'm better off sticking with the status quo.
Why do you say that?
Things are pretty good just the way they
are. I have a job I enjoy, a paid-for home, and some money in the bank. I have a group of like minded independent females for social support. Sometimes I wonder if it could be better yet.
I agree with Fogg why did you post here then?
That is not something I need an answer to but it is something YOU need an answer to.
There are plenty of Love Avoidant type guys out there who would be perfectly happy with a woman who they only saw on the occasional weekend - I've dated a few post my divorce! That might suit you better than a full-fledged relationship.
I didn't really understand those guys early in my dating experience. However now I'm (reluctantly) living with a boyfriend (he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 3 months after we met, and had been laid off right before - I knew his finances wouldn't cover both rent and medical expenses so offered him to move in with me). It's convinced me that after he's gone (who knows when that will be, I only expected him to live 6 months but he's still here 2 years later and doing fairly well, so he may have a couple more good years in him) I would be perfectly happy with one of those Love Avoidant types for the occasional weekend but plenty of time otherwise to do my thing in my life.
As someone who came to this part of the boards with trepidation and a sense that it was time to move forward, had I received posts asking me why then I was here I would have certainly left and not come back, as however well-intentioned those posts were they would have made me feel most unwelcome.
Just. Saying.
Perhaps SJay62 is here to explore and put her thoughts out there to better come to an understanding of where she wants to go from here.
Hi, SJay62 and welcome. I wish I had some grand, stellar advice to share with you. Online dating can be intimidating, but if you live in a large area, it may be a good way to just meet some new people. With Covid, things are a little different, but you might think about classes around hobbies that interest you at local colleges or junior colleges (cooking, art, music, photography). I used to live in a town that had a community college and it had a program specifically for those of us in that (ahem) more mature phase of our lives (LOL). I don't know how Covid would affect such things, but it could be worth looking into.
I'm an introvert too so online dating was the easiest way for me to meet people, but sadly, I live in a very rural area, so unless I was willing to travel a decent distance, it was harder to actually meet people face to face.
Anyway, best of luck in your endeavors. It is hard to push out of your comfort zone sometime or get beyond that status quo that you mentioned, but it can definitely be worth it.
To answer your rhetorical question, perhaps I don't belong here. I've noticed that the typical poster starts in the newcomer section and then moves to a section that is befitting of their circumstance. I didn't do that. I'm not having a midlife crisis, I didn't walk away, and I'm divorced and done a long time ago. So I'm starting at what most consider to be the end.
Should my qualifications as a divorcebuster in general be in question or that you suspect me of being an internet troll, I shall give a recap. It goes something like this:
My xh left me for another woman. I did everything humanly possible that I knew at the time to try to fix it. I read 'Divorcebusting' among many other books. I don't know if this website existed back then and if it did, I wasn't aware of it. Anyway, it wasn't in the cards and as painful as it was at the time, I'm thankful it didn't. The last 3 years of our marriage, I had contorted myself into the shape of a pretzel trying to be what he thought he wanted and it wasn't enough. I was majorly depressed and didn't even recognize myself anymore. The first year of therapy was dedicated to untwisting the pretzel. I continued for my own benefit. His departure was a gift and I say that sincerely and without bitterness. That revelation didn't come to me overnight but gradually over time. So for the record, I'm not someone who packed up and walked away (not that I'm judging anyone who has)
I'm not 100% sure why I'm here but I think bttrfly summed it up rather nicely. I suppose I chose this site because being divorced presents challenges that only another divorced person can understand. I might be wrong. Or is that just your idea of a warm, fuzzy welcome? 😉
Oh girl, you totally belong here!
Now my questions for you are:
Why do you think you've waited this long to consider dating? Was your marriage so awful that it scarred you for 20 years? Is your natural introvert just so happy alone that you didn't want to risk the intrusion? Is sex just not that important to you? (Not a judgment, people are all across the spectrum, but for many people, a desire to resume a sex life would have propelled them into the dating pool sooner than 20 years.)
Is it a desire to be with a man that is driving you, or just a concern that you won't have anyone to care for you in your old age? It's a legitimate concern, that last, but one that a man may or may not fill. Unless you date someone younger, odds are that you will end up caring for him. Even if he IS younger - my boyfriend is 4 years younger but has stage 4 lung cancer. I expect any care I need when I'm elderly will come from my kids or friends, not from a guy, unless I date someone much younger.
I do get the bit about missing male energy in your life. Like I said before, that doesn't HAVE to take the form of a long-term monogamous relationship unless that's what you're looking for. It's also possible to have a long term monogamous relationship that doesn't involve living together.
My best friend was married to someone similar to herself, both introverted artists. She loved the way they could be in different rooms, doing their work, for hours at a time and not feel crowded by the other, or go off for months at a time touring and then come back together. I think, in addition to the grief of his death several years ago, she also is hesitant to date because she is afraid someone new might demand too much of her time and attention.
Sounds like you did the work to heal from your marriage a long time ago, so I guess what I'm getting at is, what do you REALLY think is the reason you've waited so long? And what do you really want out of a romantic partner at this point in your life?
welcome. have a nice refreshing soft drink and a smile. it's ok to ask these questions. keep posting xoxoxo
Let me add to the list of those saying you most certainly belong here. I’ve been Dd now for coming up on 14 years. In great part that time has flown by. I’ve dated here and there, had 3 or 4 Rs at least what most would consider Rs although not to the level as some before including my M. I’ve ran across more people like yourself than I’m betting you’d ever think. I can name a half dozen ladies who have not had a boyfriend or partner or whatever you want to call it in many, many years. One I asked out, I’m pretty sure 6 years ago now. She declined saying she was going through a big struggle with her adult son and a potentially deadly addiction. He’s fine that’s long passed and I am pretty sure she’s not dated anyone since. I’ve since clearly determined her and I were not a match so it would not have gone anywhere anyhow. Not sure why she’s where she is but clearly doesn’t seem to want or need a guy. I’m much the same - not needing a GF. You may be too. There are things I miss and while I’m sure I’d be happier in some ways I also know I’d be less happy in others. On balance I thunk it’s a net gain - unless I am lucky enough to find the right fit. If I could find a travel partner that wanted to spend a few weekend a month together it would be perfect. I’m told they are out there but have found none. Anyhow, while there are not many people left here, you may find some good input. Hope you will stay as you are a perfect fit - at least on the life after D section.
As someone who came to this part of the boards with trepidation and a sense that it was time to move forward, had I received posts asking me why then I was here I would have certainly left and not come back, as however well-intentioned those posts were they would have made me feel most unwelcome.
Just. Saying.
Perhaps SJay62 is here to explore and put her thoughts out there to better come to an understanding of where she wants to go from here.
I didn't take anyone's post as saying SJay shouldn't post here, so I'm not sure where this is coming from. I took Cadet's question as an introspective question. What drove SJay to post here? What is she missing?
As someone who came to this part of the boards with trepidation and a sense that it was time to move forward, had I received posts asking me why then I was here I would have certainly left and not come back, as however well-intentioned those posts were they would have made me feel most unwelcome.
Just. Saying.
Perhaps SJay62 is here to explore and put her thoughts out there to better come to an understanding of where she wants to go from here.
I didn't take anyone's post as saying SJay shouldn't post here, so I'm not sure where this is coming from. I took Cadet's question as an introspective question. What drove SJay to post here? What is she missing?
My point is that when someone has the courage to post, it's helpful to begin by extending a welcome rather than posing a question, "why then are you here"
if posted with a welcome, it feels - to me - to be more introspective. Without the welcome, it feels more interrogatory. I hope that clarifies. It takes a lot of courage to post.
Thanks for the welcomes and reassurances all. I wasn't sure about posting here at all and although I have friends, I just don't feel comfortable discussing this subject with them. For my divorced friends, it's settled. They have no interest in dating. Besides, I like the anonymity of the internet for this type of discussion.
Dawn,
With regard to internet dating, I live in a rural area also. Some of my friends have tried it and they have a saying. "The odds are good, but the goods are odd." I haven't even looked yet but I feel a bit discouraged from the get go.
DonH,
Thanks for your post. It sounds as though we're in similar places. I've established that I don't need a guy but I'm questioning whether or not I want one and on what level.
kml.
Your questions are thought provoking! It helps to put this in writing whether or not you read any further. It's a potpourri of reasons why I've waited so long. Initially, I dated a couple of guys but it was just too soon. (One was eerily similar to my x and I didn't want to circle that block again so I quickly put a lid on it) The other guy had been divorced way longer than I and was looking to get married again. I knew I didn't want that (at Ieast, not on his timetable) I decided it was time to just take a break .I made up my mind to choose to be happy or at the very least, content with my life regardless of ever having a romantic partner again. I discovered how much I enjoy my alone time and not having to be accountable to anyone. I immersed myself in getting a life and I enjoyed it so much I just really didn't have the interest or the time to devote to dating anyone.
I'm sort of an extroverted introvert. I can conduct myself well in social situations but often feel the need to pull back afterward to recharge my batteries or risk losing my mind. (LoL)
Regarding sex, I don't have much desire unless I'm in love. I suppose I'm old fashioned and out of date but I've never been able to separate the two. That feeling has probably intensified since menopause.
Your bf is blessed to have you in his life and you're very kindhearted to do what you've done and continue to do for him.
bttrfly,
Thanks for your warm welcome. If I knew for certain what I wanted, I probably wouldn't be here. I'm hoping it will become clearer as time goes by.
Well, you just told me all the reasons why you don't really want to date. How about the reasons why you would?
Perhaps it's a case of FOMO or at least a sense that I'm missing out. An unsettling feeling that I have unfinished business in that department. I'd didn't succeed the first time so I'd like to try, try again.
It would be nice to have a partner to share in the good times and have my back during the rough times. Friends do this but not in the same way a romantic partner does.
I actually have something to bring to the table now and I'd like to share it with a right person. I didn't always, I was empty looking to another empty person to fill me up.
Sounds like you're in a good position then to do some dating. It's not an irreversible decision you know - if you don't like it, you can stop dating.
i have always found kml's advice to be very well thought out and helpful. just saying. we're talking about coffee, or lunch, or dinner, not the rest of your life. none of these choices are irreversible, so why not just dip your toe in? xoxoxo keep posting.
Welcome SJ. Nice to have someone new join us in this forum. I have been on lots of internet dates and have found the vast majority to have been pretty fun. Most of the guys were appeared to be who they said they were. Definitely preferred it to sitting at home but I am not an introvert. Never really considered myself an extrovert either but maybe compared to some people I am. Anyway... I have found being here after divorce just as helpful as I did before divorce. I hope you do too. (((HUGS)))
Thank you all for the comments.
I've taken the advice given and I have a coffee date set up for this Saturday morning. I don't know much other than he is divorced once and his second wife died of breast cancer a little over a year ago.
I'll post if there is anything remarkable.
Good luck SJ. I hope it goes well.
Just a brief update:
I did indeed meet this gentleman for coffee. Very nice guy but no immediate attraction. He reminded me a little of Nicholas Cage which is neither good nor bad. We've had an additional two dates because I didn't want to be hasty just because the attraction wasn't immediate. We didn't have much in common. I'm outdoorsy and if the weather is decent, I can be found outside and he likes to watch sports on TV. He's retired and I'm still working. Perhaps the biggest difference became apparent quickly. He is looking to find another wife which I don't have a desire to be, at least not for the foreseeable future.
I don't know if it was the aura of neediness that bothered me or the feeling of pressure when being in his company but I told him that I didn't think we were a match and he agreed.
So, it's back to the drawing board for now.
Thanks for listening.
SJ -
Good job getting your toes wet. MOST people won't be a match, it takes time to find a good fit, and that went exactly as it should - you were open to the possibility, but as soon as you learned a little more, recognized you weren't a fit. Good job!
Even though he was not a match, it sounds as if the experience was reasonably pleasant which is what most of my dates have been. I think I went out with five or six first dates before I met my boyfriend. It was worth it. As KML said... good for you for taking the risk.
Thanks for your kind words kml & DejaVu.
You know, I was a little bit surprised by my own feelings about jumping back in. (Or maybe lack of feelings) I don't know what I expected exactly but there wasn't much feeling involved. I remember a time when the thought of meeting someone new was an exciting prospect. Now, no so much. Maybe it's just because I'm older and there aren't many surprises left?
kml, it's somewhat reassuring that most people won't be a match but I can't help but wonder why so many people ARE matched and usually with the first person they date after their divorce. I get that we're all different and my experience is somewhat unusual - most people don't wait 20 years to date again.
I don't get attracted very easily which will make this quest even more challenging but I do have a defined idea of the type of man I'd be interested in. Honestly, I'll be surprised if he even exists! Fortunately, there in no exigency,
I’d say most people DONT match up with the first person they date after divorce, unless they’re very lucky or very needy. Since you find it harder to find someone you’re attracted to, you can expect to have to sift through a lot of dates.
That being said - try not to have too rigid an idea of what you’re looking for. Kindness is more important in a partner than a lot of the more superficial things we might think we want.
SJay... Don’t get discouraged but do be prepared to meet a lot of guys who aren’t matches. For me, it’s not just about attraction although that is important. Having similar values is a must. Looking at someone’s actions as opposed to their words. If I had done that with XH, I might have saved myself a lot of heartache. But... I wouldn’t have my amazing kids so I can’t say it was a total wash. Anyway...it’s been an interesting process but I think I have found a good match for me. Not sure what the future holds but I do know that whatever it is, I can handle it. I am not an introvert but even introverts, I think, can benefit from having a significant other in their lives. You are in a great spot. You’ve been alone for a long time and you know that you are good on your own so you aren’t someone who is going to latch onto the wrong person out of neediness. My advice... just enjoy the process of meeting new people. You never know what the future holds for you. (((HUGS)))
Well, needless to say, I've certainly picked a lousy time to re-enter the dating world. Pandemic aside, I've decided to take a step back for a while. It's somewhat discouraging out there, at least for me. While I don't doubt that dating sites may be a good option for meeting someone if one lives in a large metropolitan area, it's just not great in my neck of the woods. I actually have met three different men who were nice gentlemen but just not a match for me. They looked good on paper but it didn't work for various reasons. The one that held the most promise is highly allergic to cats! I have a cat and it might sound silly but no man will come between the cat and I! (My relationship with my cat has lasted longer than my marriage and I'm very loyal <3)
Then, there are those I chose not to meet. It can best be described as that old saying "The odds are good but the goods are odd." A seemingly endless supply of middle-aged, lives in his elderly mother's basement and works part-time guys that I don't want to waste my time on. Taking care of an elderly parent is noble but not the case here. These are man-childs, never married and looking for someone to take care of them after mommy is gone. Or, to mix it up a bit, the guy who was getting divorced from wife #4 and already looking for #5. No thanks.
I'm probably going to need to be more open to longer distances in the future. I've stayed close to home because I still work fulltime and own a business so my time to wander is limited for now.
I guess it's back to the drawing board.
Thanks for reading!
Hi SJay. I can relate. All I can say is that it is worth trying again once all of this craziness with the pandemic is over. I would encourage you to consider distance if you don’t see yourself needing to see someone in person every day. There is about two hours between my bf and I. That includes a 90-minute ferry ride so it’s not too bad. Prior to the pandemic travel restrictions, we were seeing each other every couple of weeks for a few days at a time and it was working. Quality time over quantity. Lately it has been tougher as I’ve only seen him once in two months but it’s been tough for everyone so I’m just waiting to see how things go post-pandemic. In the meantime, we talk and text every day and I’m concentrating on other things. Hang in there. If you can manage to meet one person you can see having a relationship with, it will be all worth it in the end. (((HUGS)))
And don't get too discouraged. There is I feel a depth of single people out there who don't want to bother with online dating. In my small village I know of at least 4 bachelors of various ages. And a slightly larger number of single women.
I have a cat and it might sound silly but no man will come between the cat and I! (My relationship with my cat has lasted longer than my marriage and I'm very loyal <3)
I agree - I ended up having to give my cats up because of the last relationship - something I sincerely regret even though they have a good home with my son who technically is their owner / man-servant.
Then, there are those I chose not to meet. It can best be described as that old saying "The odds are good but the goods are odd." A seemingly endless supply of middle-aged, lives in his elderly mother's basement and works part-time guys that I don't want to waste my time on. Taking care of an elderly parent is noble but not the case here. These are man-childs, never married and looking for someone to take care of them after mommy is gone. Or, to mix it up a bit, the guy who was getting divorced from wife #4 and already looking for #5. No thanks.
That matches much of what I see as well but in the opposite direction. The ones who "need" to have a man in their lives or who are expecting to have few responsibilities but enjoy a life of travel and leisure.
Me - I'm thinking of just getting a new cat. If you've followed my drama you'll see why.
And don't get too discouraged. There is I feel a depth of single people out there who don't want to bother with online dating. In my small village I know of at least 4 bachelors of various ages. And a slightly larger number of single women.
It’s the 5th Friday of a month - something that only happens a couple times a year. And I’m very much agreeing with Andrew - something that also only happens a few times a year. I KID!!!! Oh and don’t agree on getting a cat.
But seriously I think Andrew is correct. I know an increasing number of people who have given up OLD but are still single. I know more quality women (and some quality guys) who just don’t think they will find quality OLD. I can name like a dozen without too much trouble. Even a few I dated, (women that is) but did not meet OLD who admitted to trying it and then telling the stories of losers, being ghosted, dic pics early on after exchanging info. The higher quality they are, the quicker they were to delete the apps. So they are out there, I’d say higher quality off OLD but you just need to try to find them.
Yes, some latch onto the first person they meet (no, not referring to you Andrew) and I think that makes up some of the “success stories”. I have friends who have done that. They are far less picky than you and I may be. They also have the ability to find things in common with others or tolerate others than you or I may not. I know others who have not had a LTR in many years. I’m very picky OTOH I just don’t feel an attraction to many people. You seem similar.
And without a doubt today’s climate has made it even harder. First there is covid. Then it’s the increasing divide politically and Philosophically. Even a few years ago already just lurking/looking at some OLD profiles and I’ve seen more and more profiles saying they don’t want anyone who voted for Trump, or say they are allergic to cats and republicans. Hmmmmmm interesting how by far I’ve seen far more restrictions from the tolerant, co-exhist, accept everyone as they are, side of the isle. Very interesting. But regardless, that right there cuts off half of potential partners. Then the longer we settle into living on our own, the harder and higher the bar to give that up. It’s so much harder today for all of these reasons than it was 25 years ago.
I’m now very used to being on my own and for the most part do just fine. It’s only when something like needing to find someone to go on a cruise with me (see my thread for past cruisegate stories) that I really struggle. Otherwise I struggle more trying to date than I do just living life and seeing what happens. Im far happier without the frustrations of OLD For me OLD is a lot like social media or search engines or the rest - great ideas that have now been hijacked by scammers, fakes, those trying to manipulate or influence things... and more. OLD certainly presents a greater quantity of people, but what is the quality of them?
SJay,
Welcome! I haven’t been here lately but you’ve been given great advice. It is a weird time in the world and I know many have struggled with OLD. Over the last 7 years, I had a profile up for a total of 3 months. One year I had one up for 6 weeks. The next year almost a month. The next year I had one up for 2 weeks (I was on vacation for one of those) and last year I lasted 6 days :-). I love meeting people but I didn’t “expect” to meet a partner OLD. I just thought it was fun and interesting.
I think it’s fantastic that your life is full. It can be daunting to date again, but I kind of look at it from this perspective...I had a near death experience a couple of years ago. I realize I doubt I’ll be on my deathbed saying, “thank g-d I didn’t try to date!” My kids are getting older and it would be nice to have a partner. Maybe I find one, maybe I don’t. I try to stay semi sane regardless :-)
Hang in there. This is a great group for advice.