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Living in the Light Part III

Posted By: DejaVu6

Living in the Light Part III - 08/21/20 08:40 AM

Link to Part II. https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2902334&page=1

Just got back from my time on the mainland. Had a FANTASTIC time. Got to Van and picked up my university bestie. We decided to go to Ikea since I had promised my sister I was going to go for her. TDH and I were going to go because it is close to his house but my friend said she had nothing to do and wouldnít mind going so off we went. I texted TDH that he was ďoff the hookĒ for Ikea and while we were still in the parking lot, he texted to ask if we were still there and that he lived only three kilometres away. So I texted him, ďWhy? You want some company? Ok to meet my bestie?Ē I fully expected him to say no, but to my surprise got an ďabsolutelyĒ back and he texted the address. Bestie, who is one of the most cynical people I know, was super happy cause she loves vetting potential guys for me...lol. We had a couple things to do so an hour later, we got to his place and he invited us in. He was exactly as advertised, Very tall and exactly like his picture. He was super genuine and my bestie, who disliked my ex because she thought he was the opposite of that, grilled him in her usual fashion and after about an hour, offered to get an EVO home so I could avoid having to go over two bridges to get to my friendís place and so TDH and I could spend a bit more time talking. Sheís an awesome wingwoman...lol. After she left, TDH and I spent some time hanging out in his backyard and his curious neighbour peeked over the fence so he introduced me to him and I could tell the neighbour really liked him. We talked a bit about the texting incident. First of all, he apologized profusely for the cancelled weekend and said it took him a long time to text me because he thought I was 100% right and he was really embarrassed and didnít know what to say. We also talked about the middle of the night text when he ďbroke upĒ with me. I told him I didnít think it was his buddies as if it was, they likely would have just tried to get him into trouble by texting me something inappropriate or trying to sext me or something. I told him the person who texted me was trying to get rid of me and I thought it was likely a woman. He looked a bit thoughtful and then he said that he had had a bunch of people over that night and that it could have possibly been Cheryl. I asked who this was and he said it was someone he had briefly dated but that he wasnít feeling it so they had just become friends. He didnít think that she had a thing for him but after I said that, he wasnít sure anymore. Anyway, I told him it would be a good idea for him to get a password on his phone and left it at that.

After I left TDHís, I went to my friendís place and it is fantastic. Me, him and our other two teammates had a great dinner together and then played pool and watched parts of the hockey game. It was so d@mn good to see them. We shared some laughs and some memories and just enjoyed being together again. Weíre planning on doing again next year but this time at my place apparently...lol. Later on, after the two guys had left, me and my friend talked for an hour about his late wife and what a great person she was. She would be so proud of him. Heís working so hard to make their dreams come true. Their 19th anniversary is coming up soon so we talked about that and the grief process.

This morning, he bought me breakfast at a restaurant down the street and we had a great big hug goodbye before I went off to meet another guy friend (met through OLD but was only ever a friend) for coffee. Both of us had had coffee already so we ended up just going for a walk and chatting. Afterward, he headed off to his office and I drove out to TDHís. Today was just a continuation on from yesterday. We hung out, talked more about our kids, childhoods, family, friends, etc... you name it, we talked about it. We played some cards. Took a few walks. I got to seem him interact with people and he was clearly a regular at the butcher shop. He was polite, friendly and genuine with everyone we encountered. Later on, his sister called him and I can only describe their conversation as enthusiastic, good natured and really positive. She put his cousin on the phone and they talked about when they could next get together and go fishing. TDH told him he loved him (TDH lost two other ďbrother-likeĒ cousins about 25 years ago that he still misses immensely) and they hung up. Then about an hour before I had to leave to catch my ferry, who should show up but his mother. Yep...met the mom. She and I had a pleasant chat in the kitchen and when he walked me out to my car, he laughed and said he was probably going to get grilled when he got back inside. He then made me promise to text him when I got to the ferry terminal and him so he knew that I made it home safe.

So...at the end of the day, I am so glad I gave him the benefit of the doubt and went to see him. We hit it off and had a great time doing nothing all day (got my 10,000 steps though) and getting to know each other. I did not sense any hidden agendas or see anything in his house that would be cause for alarm. He is still definitely into me. We did kiss a few times but he didnít try to turn it into anything more than that even though we were alone all day. He told me he is a heart-on-his-sleeve kind of guy and he isnít wrong. I think I have met my match in that department. He doesnít have a filter...just says what he is thinking. He still talks about us like he expects this to be a long term serious thing. Iím fine with it. It doesnít seem like a desperate kind of thing to me... more like him thinking outloud. Anyway...when we said goodbye, we just decided we would give it a shot and see how things go. Weíre going to try to figure out another time to get together soon. Anyway...I caught the last ferry home so it is now 1:30 a.m. and I need to hit the hay. (((HUGS))) to all!!!
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/21/20 09:08 AM

DonH... that ďyou deserve what you getĒ comment came across as a bit mean and angry. Hopefully thatís not how you meant it.

Look everyone....I come on here when I am struggling with things and I understand that what comes from that is advice and opinions from anyone on here who reads it and cares enough to post. I always read them, even when I donít agree, and consider what people say. I really do. But at the end of the day, there are a few things that I keep in mind...

1. People on here have all had their own set of unique experiences and it impacts how they view different situations. The advice you give always has your own experiences woven in which may or may not apply to whatever it is I am struggling with.

2. Opinions are only being offered based on what it is I write. As we all know, there are lots of interactions and information we leave out so there is never a full picture.

3. I believe that most people in the world are inherently good...imperfect, but good. I give people the benefit of the doubt BUT it doesnít mean I do it blindly. I have always been that person and yes, it has probably led to me getting burned a few times more than I needed. But Iím okay with it. I refuse to change this part of me.

4. I love you all for your care and concern and I take what you say to heart and I donít forget it. However, at the end of the day, it is my life and I am someone who takes risks... calculated risks but nonetheless, risks. Because I believe that the greatest risks often end up bringing the greatest rewards. This is another part of myself I refuse to change.

Okay...not it is 2 a.m. Definitely going to bed now.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/21/20 01:05 PM

I'm glad that it all worked out and that you had a great time. I'm glad he met your expectations. I stand by the comments I made in my post, but I'm still glad that it went the way you hoped and expected and I hope it continues in that same vein.

As for your most recent post above, you are absolutely right about all of those things. We all come here to "work through" things and we get advice, some that we agree with and some that we don't. We are all unique individuals who come to the table, so to speak, with different circumstances and different experiences. And, yes, we offer advice and opinions based on one VERY small snippet of the entire picture. It is quite easy to write things here and color them the way we want the advice to slant. I'm not saying that is what you or anyone else is intentionally doing, but when we tell a story, we tend to tell it in its best light.

I don't think anyone comes here to day things in a mean-spirited way or to be ugly. I think it is hard to gauge actual emotion via text and so sometimes things come across as being harsh when they likely weren't intended that way.

You say you are someone who gives the benefit of the doubt, but doesn't do it blindly. I can respect and appreciate that. Years of being jerked around by people has taught me to be the exact opposite, so I admire that ability in others. The one thing you said that I do disagree with is that you said you don't do it blindly. I think we ALL give people the benefit of the doubt blindly to a certain degree. I'm not even necessarily talking about in the case of TDH, but sometimes we give people the benefit of the doubt based on what they say then find out later that what they said wasn't totally truthful. I have done it myself, more times than I care to count. And, I think that blind faith is actually just a part of developing a relationship. You say you are a risk taker and again, I applaud that because it is so opposite from my own experience, but I think you can't be a risk taker without having a certain bit of blind faith in people. All of that is supposed to be a good thing, a positive nod to you and who you are, in case I didn't make that clear. I admire people like you and wish sometimes I could be more like that. And then sometimes, I am happy that I am the skeptic that I am and am quicker to disbelieve someone than believe them. It has saved my a$$ more than once.

Anyway, good for you that you DID have a little blind faith and jumped in with both feet and he turned out to be "as advertised". I'll still say proceed with caution and I'd darn sure watch that Cheryl chick, but have fun.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/21/20 03:37 PM

Thanks Dawn. I donít think anyone comes on here to say mean things either which is why I said I hoped that wasnít the intention. Just took me aback a bit.

totally understand the advice given here re; TDH. Honestly, I would have said the same thing if I had read what I wrote on someone elseís thread. However, I just looked back on the last month of conversations and just how sincerely he came across and I just HAD to meet him in person to see for myself. I learned so much about him by doing that and most of what I learned was from observing him in his environment and not anything he said. I definitely did NOT get a player vibe... the opposite in fact. I saw a guy who had been married for 18 years and got cheated on and is now trying to build a life that is not what he thought it was going to be. We talked a bit about our experiences in that regard and how cheating was something neither of us would do. He said he thought that they would just both be committed to working things out no matter what and build a good life for their family. That was my expectation in my marriage too.

In terms of proceeding with caution... thatís just an automatic in our situation. We both are committed to being where our kids are so it will be a LDR for the foreseeable future with some weekends together and lots of talking in between. Iím okay with it. I get to do my thing during the week and keep up my other friendships and have time with him to look forward to. I really am okay on my own from a financial perspective so I donít really need to find someone to cohabitate with. If that happens with him in the future, it is a long way away... long enough that I will definitely know him very well by the time it happens.

I am really excited about how well it went and how much of his real life I got to see. I didnít expect that to be honest. I also didnít expect him to want to meet my friend who, by the way, texted me later that she really liked him and that she thought I should go for it. The two of them did have a great conversation and he didnít flinch when she was her usual direct self and asked him a bunch of pointed questions. He also asked her a bunch of questions which is, I think, in his nature as he does strike me as someone who is interested in other people. HIs phone conversations with his family were also revealing. He has gone through some really tough losses of people early on in his life and I can tell it has impacted him. He really values his family relationships and was told both his sister and cousin that he loved them. I commented on it when he hung up and he just said that he learned early in life how fleeting time can be and that it is important to tell people how you feel about them because you donít know if that is the last time you will talk to them. Kind of explains his lack of a filter when it comes to me. Also why whenever I have told him I am driving somewhere, he always wants me to let him know when I arrive so he knows I made it. Both his dad and one of us cousins were killed in car accidents...the other cousin a helicopter accident (he was the pilot).

Anyway...Iím super happy that we did meet and we are both on the same page in terms of where we see this going. My sister is thrilled. She wants me off the dating sites...lol. Says it is exhausting to go through it with me. As long as she is happy...lol laugh
Posted By: DonH

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/21/20 09:35 PM

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
DonH... that ďyou deserve what you getĒ comment came across as a bit mean and angry. Hopefully thatís not how you meant it.

I also said "I donít ever want to see anyone get used or hurt" Certainly not trying to be mean. Not really angry - frustrated perhaps? But I stand by it. If it's pretty much unanimous that everyone says, "Don't jump out of that plane without a parachute" yet the person chooses to do just that anyhow, well, then they deserve what they get. I'd never want to see anyone plummet to their death, but it's not like they were not warned. They were told it was a bad idea and still went ahead with it. In my mind, they deserve what they get.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
2. Opinions are only being offered based on what it is I write. As we all know, there are lots of interactions and information we leave out so there is never a full picture..

This is both very accurate and very telling. Most certainly there is no way to provide every single piece of information. That's understood. However, if anyone chooses to tell all the good parts and leave out the bad, well, it's really hard to help anyone then. There is no way we can know everything that is going on, but from what you have told us, you took a huge risk and still are. It may be turning out great, so far. Then again, as you yourself said, we only know the parts you are telling us.

To me something just doesn't seem right about all of this. Just way, way, way too much drama for my tastes before really even getting anywhere. Planning a future or talking about it and doing the things that has been done screams of some of the 90-Day Fiance shows I've seen. As I've said, from my view, much of it reads like high school or college antics - and that's coming from a guy in his 50s who very admittedly rarely acts his age.

As for the whole "Benefit of the doubt" thing. I know I've spoken about this in the past. There was a book written around this very topic that was on the NY Times Best Seller list when it came out some 7 or 8 years ago. The assertion was that to give anyone the benefit of the doubt is crazy. It's an outdated model that may have worked 50 plus years ago but just doesn't work today - especially in the past few years. Instead what you do is watch carefully. See if words match actions. Collect a lot of data and then make an informed decision. No one is owed the benefit of the doubt. That is something that is earned. There is just something really odd going on here - if even he needs to get some new friends. If drunken buddies of mine did what he is claiming these guys did, they would no longer be buddies of mine. Again, it would be rare they would even be my friends in the first place as I chose very carefully there as well. Again, it's maybe something your college buddies might do - and then totally apologize for. It's just odd. His actions are odd. Your response was at least a bit over the top. From my view I can't help but think, wow, if drama like this is going on in the first weeks, what in the heck will happen in the ensuing months and perhaps years? It's amazing how if we watch closely, we will see that the behaviors we observe right out of the gate, are often what we see down the road. People will very often reveal who they are early on - if only we'll listen. Instead, we give them "the benefit of the doubt" for actions we know from the get go are sketchy.

I of course hope this all works out for you. Just because it's not for me or KML or Dawn doesn't mean it's not for you or may not work out for you. The risk is just too high from what I see and if this plays out and you tell us honestly what happens, I'll be shocked if what happened a week or two ago is not repeated before very long - or more info is not learned.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
My sister is thrilled. She wants me off the dating sites...lol. Says it is exhausting to go through it with me. As long as she is happy...lol laugh

Very interesting statement. Likely more evidence of patterns and trends of the types of guys you fall for? Hopefully you'll watch closely and collect data. It's already been a wild ride and you're only one meeting in.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/21/20 10:17 PM

Iím glad he met your expectations. Something remains fishy to me too, but I guess time will tell and I hope I am wrong. I really do.

You met once and have been talking a month and are already talking committed LTR. Iíd tread very lightly woth that one. But hey, maybe thatís been my problem all along. Treading lightly . I guess Iíve been so exposed to the realities that I couldnít see or think, or trust relationships woth someone I just met. Or I couldnít trust someone who wanted that without REALLY knowing me.

Maybe itís good that you still have some rosy glasses on. I miss mine sometimes, lol.

Just be careful. Please. First it was his drunk friends. Then an ex GF heís hanging out with texting from his phone what he did ...... all sounds really fishy and very high risk.

But I know you are diving in head first. And Iím going to wish you all the best
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/22/20 01:13 AM

I'm glad you first met him with your BFF. Good to get a second opinion.
I'm more cautious, so that's my filter. And since learning some truths about my marriage last weekend, I can also say that I'm pretty traumatized and raw right now. Again, another filter.
I hope you know I only want you to be both safe and happy.

xoxo
Posted By: kml

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/22/20 01:57 AM

Pros:
You met his mom
Your BF met him
He didnít appear to be different than advertised
He loves his family
Attraction is there

Cons:
You went to him. Remains to be seen if heís willing to step up to the plate. Make him make the trip next time.
Old girlfriend story still sounds fishy.
Just because you met mom donít read too much into it. Mr Big Lotsí mom loved me but that didnít make him and less of a flaky Love Avoidant. She was just hoping I would rescue her son.
Still too much talk of a future for such an early relationship.

Enjoy but DONT turn off your radar! And make him come to you next time - let him show you whether heís going to put an equal amount of effort into this. Donít do all the work.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/22/20 10:44 AM

DV, how long ago was his BD/divorce? just trying to get a timeline, which might answer some questions.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/22/20 04:05 PM

Thanks everyone. Iím not going all in just yet. Happy with what Iíve seen so far but not fully convinced this will work yet. Time will tell. Not getting married again or giving him my banking info...lol. Keeping my heart a bit more protected until we have some time and experience.

Buttrfly... I asked him how long he has been divorced and he said three years. Not sure if he meant that is when he found out about her cheating or if that is when the actual divorce was final. Sorry to hear you are feeling raw right now. frown
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/22/20 04:18 PM

Oh...and just to clarify around the future talk. Itís not like he is talking about when we get married, or live together or anything like that. More like... ďwhen you meet my kidsĒ or ďmy family is going to love youĒ. That kind of stuff.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/22/20 04:47 PM

DV - ok, so we're in the five year window. being on the other side of that window, i kind of see it as a line of demarcation. There's all the yuck 0-5 and only a little yuck now, and if I'd been told the truth in real time there would very likely be a whole lot less yuck now and greater peace.

My point being - not so new that you're the rebound, but also not so far off that the longing for partnership can be super strong.

I'm glad you're taking it little by slow. Looks promising.

As for me, don't worry my friend. I'm already heaps better than I was even two days ago. Looking forward to EMDR in a week. Putting trauma to rest is a good thing.

xoxoxo
Posted By: harvey

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/23/20 06:08 AM

Timelines differ. I was told to wait a year after divorce to start dating. At 8 months, I did one month of OLD. At 9 months, I started dating my current GF. Monday is our one year anniversary. If it's been three years since his divorce, he may very well be ready for a long-term relationship.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/23/20 09:18 PM

Yeah... My timeline was different too. Of course, XH was a ghost for about three years before BD so I feel like Iíve been on my own for almost six years now. Completely 100% over it. When I see him, I feel nothing...just think...thereís someone I used to love. I will always care about him, he is my kidsí dad, but thatís it. Such a blessing to genuinely feel that way and not be trying to convince myself. Free at last!!!

Brief update...you will appreciate this KML and Ginger. TDH called me today. Misses me. Says he knows it is his turn to come and see me so he is hoping either this coming weekend or the next one. He just has to work it out with his XW in terms of his kids.

So...hopefully it will happen this time. He seems motivated, thatís for sure. I told him it might be a good idea to not be ENTIRELY honest with his kids about where he is going. Having a ďno lieĒ household doesnít mean you tell your kids everything if it doesnít directly impact them...especially if you know one of them wonít likely handle it well. Lesson learned I think.

Anyway...our phone conversations have shifted a bit since our meeting. There is definitely more of a realistic, letís get to know each other really well, kind of tone as opposed to the super flirty calls before. Not that there isnít some flirting but it feels a lot more real and comfortable.

SD20 says next time he calls, she wants to talk to him. Heíll love that, Iím sure. This should be fun...lol.
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/24/20 08:45 PM

Hello DV

I take a little time to convalesce, come back, catch up, and just look at all that has happened.

I am glad TDH and you hit it off. You sound very happy.

I have a similar faith in people and belief in giving benefit of the doubt. People more often than not seem to exceed expectations when allowed to do so.

Of course Iím a glass is half full guy. Immediately I see it that way. Even 10% or 1% full, never 90% or 99% empty. Itís only 100% empty or some amount of fullness. smile

Hold strong your convictions and beliefs girl, they look good on you.

D
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/25/20 01:48 PM

DnJ... You are always such a big supporter of mine and I so appreciate it. I am glad you are feeling better too and hope that you are fully on the mend and this illness isnít going to come back for another round.

TDH and I really did hit it off. There is nothing like seeing someone interact with their family and friends to give you an idea about who they are at their core. Dating aside...he is someone I would be happy to have as a friend.

Thanks for dropping by. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/25/20 03:40 PM

i think back to my relationships and deep friendships. those first meetings where you realize you've found a kindred spirit and it's such a joy to have long conversations or texts where you get to know the other party, and realize with every revelation that this is someone you're happy to have met, who is part of your tribe - or has the potential to be a very big part of your life. That's a great feeling, only IMO to be topped by the realization that the person isn't going anywhere, and you can both relax and take your time because you have all the time in the world.

Enjoy.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/25/20 10:58 PM

Thanks Bttrfly. TDH and I have definitely had our challenges already so I'm not throwing myself all in at this stage. But...he definitely is someone I think is worth getting to know better and COULD become a VIP in my world. We'll see...I am okay with whatever happens. If it wasn't going to work out, I just didn't want it to not work out because of a misunderstanding which is why I was so determined to meet him. Now that I have, I am trying to let the fates determine where this is going and stepping back from trying to control the outcome. As most of you know, this is a challenge for me so I am working hard at identifying the fears when they come up and not letting them dictate my actions. I definitely have hopes about where this might go but am very aware that I don't want to get too attached to the idea...just in case the universe has other plans. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/27/20 01:43 AM

Had a nice chat with TDH today. Talked about our different needs when it comes to communication. He said he has dated a couple of people in the past two years but no one he could see having a relationship with or introducing to family members before so this is new for him. Told him I didnít want him to feel obligated to text me or call me and he said that he is absolutely obligated...not in the way I was referring to but in the sense that he wants to see where this can go so he owes it to both of us to try his best. He also said that he has never been a phone guy so I should be patient with his ďbaby stepsĒ while he takes himself out of ďbachelor modeĒ. Works for me. I just really appreciated him bringing it up and explaining his perspective. I had already figured out he wasnít a phone guy...lol.

We also talked about his upcoming visit and he says he is coming over on the 4th. I told him I wasnít getting any groceries until I see the whites of his eyes...lol. He said he deserves that. Yes...yes he does. laugh
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/27/20 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I told him I wasnít getting any groceries until I see the whites of his eyes...

Haha. Thatís pretty funny and sets a good expectation.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/27/20 02:13 PM

DnJ. Thanks...lol. TDH called me last night and we talked for an hour and a half. More ďgetting to know youĒ kinds of topics without the crazy flirting. We talked movies, kids (always talk kids), bucket list, family dynamics, food, friends, hockey...lots of hockey. I love that when I ask him a question, he fully answers it. No one-line answers or shoulder shrugs. It is so refreshing from what Iíve been used to. Jack was a shoulder shrugger... self reflection was not something he did a lot of. XH was too. He rarely talked about what was going on in his inner world. Mostly he just told stories to entertain. So this is a new and welcome change. Also scary because the more I get to know him, the more I like him and that brings up some uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability. But nothing ventured, nothing gained so I am trying to enjoy the process more and not worry about what the final outcome will be. If nothing else, the ending of my marriage has taught me that I am stronger than I realized. smile
Posted By: kml

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/27/20 04:22 PM

Quote
If nothing else, the ending of my marriage has taught me that I am stronger than I realized.


I became fearless after. The worst had already happened, and I'd survived it, so every thing else was small potatoes. Boyfriend breakup? Nothing compared to losing a spouse of 24 years. Get onstage and play music? If I stink, who cares? I was brave enough to do it!
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/28/20 02:02 AM

Thatís exactly what I think KML. I know I can get through almost anything so no fear. laugh
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/28/20 04:04 PM

Well...the upside of my hockey game getting cancelled last night is that I got to spend that time talking with TDH on the phone. Gosh you guys...I am just learning so much about him and vice versa. We've talked about things I haven't even talked with my sister about. The conversation is just so easy. He said he is glad we don't live near each other right now because we can get to know each other without being sidetracked by physical attraction. I fully agree although I'm not gonna lie, really looking forward to getting sidetracked by it next weekend...lol. Still...he told me yesterday that he is totally okay with taking things slow and that he wants me to be completely comfortable with him. He also said he's going to be really nervous when it does happen...yeah...that makes two of us. Anyway...I know there are a lot of skeptics among you but the more he and I talk, the better I feel about where things are at with us. He says he really wants to make this work and so do I so I guess time well tell... I'm happy. smile
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/29/20 01:20 PM

Good Morning DV

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Also scary because the more I get to know him, the more I like him and that brings up some uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability.

Yep, allowing someone to get close, opens one up to being vulnerable. Those feelings are a good sign that your walls are lowered and you can extend trust.

For what itís worth, you are proceeding fearlessly. Fearless does not mean reckless. You are cautious and not fearfully paralyzed so as unable to act. A good place to be, IMO.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Anyway...I know there are a lot of skeptics among you but the more he and I talk, the better I feel about where things are at with us.

Everyone is both skeptic and cheerleader. People can see the risks, and no one is wishing for failure.

I think it was your own inner skeptic that this was more written for. You are wise and can see the risks. And strong so to accept them and see where things go. A little skepticism is a good thing; keeps you a bit grounded as you are being lifted up.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I'm happy. smile

Glad to hear it. Thatís kind of the goal, ainít it?

Fearlessly forward.

D
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 08/29/20 02:42 PM

Thanks for being a great cheerleader D. Iíve always been someone who believes in taking risks. Drove my mom crazy...lol. She was very measured in everything she did and always, always erred on the side of caution. She was also very private and called me her ďheart on her sleeveĒ girl. I used to interpret it as disapproval but looking back, I think she just worried about me being hurt. As I got older though, and she saw how resilient I was despite my vulnerabilities, I could see that she was also a little bit proud that I didnít let my experiences change the person I am at my core. It does bother me though that she went to her grave thinking that I was in a marriage with someone who was lying to me and treating me so disrespectfully [I found out after she died that she thought he was lying and cheating on me.]. I hope there is a heaven and she is looking down and knows that I am doing well and no longer living a lie.

Complete topic change... I donít think I have mentioned on here that I am having surgery on September 8th. My twin pregnancy did a big number on my abdominal muscles and my stomach in general. There is just no bouncing back from carrying two huge babies (8 lbs 1 oz & 7 lbs 3 oz) to term. So Iíve opted to get a tummy tuck as a kind of gift to myself and, in a way, symbolically ridding myself of the last reminder of my marriage. I used to really love my stomach so I am excited to be getting it back...lol. Not super excited about the recovery process but hey, I do get another two weeks off of work so thereís that. TDH was really sweet when I told him about it. He said he thinks Iím beautiful either way but if it is something I really want to do, I should go for it. He also said he will be worrying about me the entire time. My sister is going with me. Itís at a clinic about an hour and a half away so Iím having to stay the night in a hotel after the surgery so the nurse can check in on me in the morning and make sure everything is okay. Luckily the clinic is on the bottom floor of the hotel so I donít have to go far.

Anyway....time to get out of bed and face the day. (((HUGS))) to all. Have a great weekend everyone.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/01/20 01:16 PM

Two sleeps until my weekend with TDH. Since our face-to-face meeting, he has continued to call me daily. Our conversations are a mix of funny story telling and serious ďhow do you feel about thisĒ kinds of information exchanges. So far so good.

Last night I got a better timeline re: his divorce. He and his XW separated five years ago and the divorce was finalized three years ago. He has dated for the past three years but not anyone he could picture having a LTR with until me. He hasnít had an LDR before but doesnít think the distance between us is that big of an obstacle - especially since I live in the area he eventually wants to relocate to. We figure we can see each other at least a couple weekends a month which is a lot more often than many people in LDRís get to see each other. Still early days but I am happy with how things are going and how much he is communicating with me.

This weekend is going to be interesting. Itís just going to be him and I for most of it although my sister wants me to bring him out to the lake so she and BIL can meet him. I am going to make a game-time decision about that one. I know he will get along well with them and our other friends who will be out there but not sure I want to expose him to the scrutiny quite yet. He says it is completely up to me and he is happy to meet anyone I want to introduce him to. The weather is supposed to be amazing out there this weekend and it is my ďhappy placeĒ so it is definitely tempting. smile
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/01/20 02:35 PM

Good Morning DV

Good luck on the 8th. Iíll try to remember - no jokes. It only hurt when I laugh, I suspect will be an apt statement for a few weeks after. smile

Iím glad things are going well with TDH. I did smile at the thought of the scrutiny he might get. Nice to see he is confident in meeting whomever you would like to introduce him to.

D
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/03/20 02:17 PM

Thanks D. (((HUGS)))

First night with TDH is in the books. He said he couldnít wait to see me and wanted to get out of the city before his ex and kids found a reason to keep him there (lots of challenges with his son apparently) so he came over a day early. I had a pedicure appointment just before dinner so he hung out at my house for an hour. When I got home, he was out on the deck chatting with my XMIL and SD20. I could tell from the look on my XMILís face that she likes him a lot. Today I am working from home and heís got plans to mow my lawn and talk recipes with XMIL...lol. My kids are heading to their dadís today. D12 spent most of her evening showing TDH her art, playing him games of Battleship and dancing in the living room...lol. I hadnít planned to introduce them but both kids had talked to him on the phone and they insisted they wanted to stay and meet him so I said okay. You can tell he has lots of kids in his life. He could not be more comfortable with them.

TDH fully appreciates my situation with XMIL and thinks I am really lucky to have such great support. He loved my whole family (my twin was here for a bit too) and I think the feeling was mutual. He is just so comfortable in his own skin and it totally shows. I told XMIL I was working from home today because I didnít want anyone to feel awkward about a strange (new...not weird....lol) guy kicking around the house. She just waved her hand at me and told me it was completely fine. Oh well...sticking around anyway...lol. She was NEVER this relaxed with Jack. Never came upstairs or had any kind of a conversation with him. Last night she was chatting with TDH like sheíd known him for years. So...good start. Hockey game tonight. TDH is making me fish tacos...finally. laugh
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/03/20 02:46 PM

How do you do it?!?

Second time meeting a guy and heís mowing your lawn, playing with your kids, cooking you dinner like heís a part of the family? It went much the same way with jack .

Iím in awe. Seriously. I can barely get a guy to commit to a dinner. Or even as much after a year of dating.

And how do you get so trusting so fast? Is it the security of knowing your MIL is there? How do you trust around your kids so quickly?

Props to you. I couldnít do it. And there was maybe one guy who walked in and spent a lot of time with me right off the bat. But he was 9 years younger and free as a bird.

Well, enjoy the weekend! Seems like he fits right in like a puzzle piece!
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/03/20 03:07 PM

And not meant to be condescending if it came off that way.

Truly, I wish I could be more trusting and open. It reaps benefits.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/03/20 08:31 PM

Wow....I'm not even sure what to say, DV. And, I'm not sure anything I do say would be overly well-received. While I respect that you are a grown woman who can make your own choices and you consider yourself a risk taker, it seriously concerns me that you would just open your home AND involve your children. It would be one thing to open your home if it was just you and I probably would just say be careful, but when kids are involved, that opens up a whole other can of worms.

I'm sorry if this sounds terrible because I do really want you to be happy and find love, but I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hope like h3ll that I'm wrong and I may well be, but this all seems to be moving at the pace of a freight train running off the track.
Posted By: harvey

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/04/20 05:01 AM

DV certainly dives right in. smile

I've been dating my GF for over a year, and my daughters have met her four times. Two times in the first 10 months. I've moved up to making it a monthly occurrence now. They'll meet her for the third time in a little over two months this weekend.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/04/20 04:20 PM

Totally get where you are coming from Dawn. I think you would have to know me and my kids to get it. They have a great relationship with their dad. They arenít looking for a replacement. They are also 12 and quite independent. As long as they get mom time and they know I am happy, they are just fine. I dated Jack for a year. They liked him. When I told them we were breaking up, it barely registered and they saw him a lot. They just wanted to make sure I was okay and when they saw that I was, they went on with their lives. They are very securely attached kids...open to having many people in their lives. They are a lot like me.

In terms of me trusting TDH... I just do. Iíve seen him in his home environment. Met some people in his life. Iíve watched him carefully. He is someone who is comfortable in his own skin and honestly just loves people. Yesterday, he called a wrong number trying to get a hold of his friend and had a five minute conversation with the person on the other end. He is just so d@mn nice. Genuinely. When you are around someone like that, you just know it. Last night, fish tacos for two turned into fish tacos for six as my MIL, SD20, my twin and BIL came over as well. BIL is the least trusting person I know and he got on super well with TDH. I bought a new tv and the two of them installed it for me while chatting like theyíd known each other for years. TDHís friend also came over for a beer on his way to the ferry. This is someone TDH has known for 20 years. He owns a bunch of pizza franchises on the island and literally lives a block away from me. He is married with two kids around the same age as TDHís. I liked him immediately. A genuinely nice friendly guy whose energy you could pick up on the second he walked through the door. He clearly thinks the world of TDH and vice versa.

So...yes...I get that I am breaking a bunch of rules. But I just know it is going to turn out fine. He and I have been talking for two months now. Weíve covered so many topics. I know way more about him than I did Jack who I dated for a year. He looks at me like I hung the moon. The things he says he likes about me are the things I like about me that past partners/boyfriends havenít even mentioned. I feel like he sees me. Neither of us have done the long distance thing before. We talked about it last night a lot. Weíre not unaware how risky this looks to other people but weíre committed to giving it a shot. Will it end up with one or both of us getting hurt? Possibly. But if you donít take risks, how do you ever get any rewards? Anyway...I know the only thing I am missing here is time and that will take care of itself.

Great day planned today. We got invited to my friendsí at the lake. Gonna leaves a bit early so I can show him around my hometown and where I grew up. He keeps asking me where I came from so may as well answer that question...lol. (((HUGS))) to all. smile
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/04/20 04:20 PM

Ginger...no offence taken at all. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/04/20 05:57 PM

The long and short of it is that it is your life and you have to do what is right for you. I say that all the time on here and IRL. You mention "breaking rules", but I say when it comes to love, rules don't really apply because everyone is different. I can respect that we approach life very differently and you have to do you and I will do me. You are right that I don't know you or your kids and you, obviously, know them better than me or anyone else for that matter. Sadly, though, I have dealt with kids for a long time where parents insist their kids are one way or feel or think a certain way, only to have kids themselves tell me something else. Not at all saying that is the case here, but saying the possibility exists that they may SAY they are fine as long as you are fine, but that also may be said because that is what you want to hear and they know it. They are old enough to know what you want to hear or how you want them to feel and to bend to that, if that makes sense. Again, not saying that is definitely happening here, but just saying the possibility does exist.

Other than my concern for the kids, the other thing that bothers me about the whole thing is the double standard of it all. Andrew got HAMMERED and is still getting hammered occasionally (and I will totally raise my hand and say I have participated in said hammering, despite my fondness for Andrew, or maybe because of my fondness for him) for pretty much the same thing while you are getting virtual high fives and pats on the back. Why is it not ok for Andrew to run in like his hair is on fire to a situation that looks fishy from the outside but it is fine for you to do the same because it is just who you are? I know that sounds harsh and I'm so sorry because I don't mean for it to at all. It is hard to explain without sounding harsh, honestly.

Like I said, I do really want you to be happy and you are a grown woman and you have to make your choices and you have to deal with the consequences be they good or bad. I do truly hope it is all sunshine and roses for you, honestly. Everybody, men and women, deserves to find a true, lasting love who thinks that they hung the moon.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/04/20 06:04 PM

Fair assessment dawn. That we hammered Andrew. Seems like a double standard. Only Vu hasnít moved her and his kid in yet.

I am indeed worried and concerned for anyone who opens the doors right up and letís someone into their lives fully without even knowing them. Itís scary and risky . And more than us is usually at stake.

I myself could probably be less cautious while others could be more cautious.

And I wish everyone could find true long lasting love without someoneís good nature getting taken advantage of.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/04/20 06:13 PM

Dawn I think Andrew got beat up because he got engaged, moved her and entire family and her in after 6 months to a woman who has been married 3 or 4 times.

I think there is probably a happy medium but I will say one thing that I know for a fact. Canadians are more friendly and trusting then us diseased riddled Americans lol.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/04/20 06:20 PM

^^^ also a fair assessment
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/04/20 06:25 PM

I agree with you both that it isn't the exact same situation and Andrew did, arguably, move faster. It still all seems a little break-neck speed to me, but I'm pretty skeptical usually. I think you put it best, LH....I'm totally a disease-riddled American. I mistrust first and ask questions later instead of trusting first. To Deja's point about how do you get rewards if you don't take risks....well, rewards and risks are not mutually exclusive so I can get rewards without risks. Of course, what I consider risk and what someone else considers risk may or may not be the same because we are all different. While Deja isn't moving TDH in like Andrew did S, she's still going "all in" which is something we've warned others about repeatedly, so I still see a double standard.

I think you are right, LH, that there is a happy medium. You can go ahead and put me on the boring and disease-riddled American side of that medium because I'm a grouchy old fuddy duddy. LOL
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/06/20 03:27 PM

LOL...I love you guys. Like Andrew, Iíll keep coming back here to let you know how Iím doing even if I do get hammered. If TDH and I ever live together, that is years down the road. IDK...I get the risks. I do. Iím now almost through an entire weekend with TDH.

We spent Friday night out at the lake with my friends and succumbed to pressure to stay the night. They all liked TDH a lot. He fit right in and stayed up talking with the night owls long after my sister and I had gone to bed. Yesterday we spent mostly hanging out at my place. Had a number of spirited conversations about some topics that we eventually agreed to disagree on. I like that we can do that and still laugh. We also talked about the LDRs and what it takes, we think, to make it work. Neither of us have been in a LDR so it is a bit daunting but we think if we see each other for a weekend once or twice a month and keep talking regularly, it can work. Time will tell, I guess.

Dawn...thank you for your thoughts on my kids. I know them extremely well. We are very close and they tell me what they think about things...usually without me asking. And, on the off chance they donít tell me something, I know they would definitely tell SD20 who would immediately come running to me. TBH...they probably wonít see a whole lot of TDH since likely the weekends he would come here are the weekends I donít have the kids and vice versa. From their perspective, they met their momís friend and can now put a face to a name. They liked him a lot so they wonít give it much more thought. If they didnít like him, that would probably be a different story. But they did so they are satisfied their mom is okay dating this person and thatís about it. And like I said...I dated Jack for a year and they barely noticed his absence after we broke up. I am not worried at all.

I feel like I know TDH reasonably well...at least well enough to risk having him stay with me for a weekend with other people in the house and my sister five minutes away. We talked on the phone for six weeks. I visited him at his home for the equivalent of a day and a half and got to observe him in his home environment and meet a couple people who see him on the regular. I watched his face when he talked about his kids and talked with his sister and cousin on the phone. I know a genuine, heart on his sleeve kind of person when I see one. I know it because it is like looking in the mirror. He treats people exactly the way I do and that comes from a really genuine honest place. Are we crazy to go ďall inĒ by trying to build a real relationship? Maybe. But whatís the alternative? Neither of us are serial daters. I donít want to see a bunch of different people when I am this attracted to one person and neither does he. I guess because of OLD, we have more of an opportunity to ďshopĒ for potential partners and committing to one seems crazier than it did 20 years ago because we know that we can just go online and find ten other people who may or may not be better than the person we are currently dating. But Iím just not buying into that. Iíve been on a ton of first dates. I donít need to go on anymore just to satisfy some imaginary quota. I was looking for ONE person who matches me in values and who excites me enough to want to see him again. I found him so Iím going to see where it goes. So I guess when people say I am taking a huge risk, I just donít see it that way. The biggest risk I am taking is with my heart but I am okay with it because I went through hell with my XH and I came out the other side of it still me only now I know how strong I am. If things donít work out with TDH in the long run, I will survive. And if they do? Well...Iíll be really, really happy I took advantage of the opportunity when it was presented to me.

Anyway...gotta run. Last day with TDH before he heads back home. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: DonH

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/07/20 07:43 PM

Iím late here to responding, partly because life finally has returned to just about normal, though Iím sure or at least fear itís only a couple week break from the insanity. I also know what I say wonít change a thing. But I always strive to not be hypocritical about things. And I have to agree with Dawn that has become a danger. We were all over Ginger for intertwining her daughter into a three month thing that she had no business getting intertwined in. Ginger learned from that mistake and has not repeated it. Weíve also been very critical of Andrew and his mad dash to instant love.

As has oft been pointed out we really canít know the true day to day of things here. All we can do is think based on our experiences. Iíve met and even dated a few woman who had daughters who acted more like the mother than the actual mom did. They made better decisions and were often embarrassed by the actions of their parent. Not at all saying thatís the case here but might it be? At the end of the day your daughter is still 12 - TWELVE! She is very impressionable and is learning by what she sees and experiences. I donít doubt she didnít miss Jack. He likely said very little to her and rarely interacted with her by how you describe him. She probably thought he was just the weird guy With no job who never talked, that her mom was dating. Itís not her job to make sure YOU are okay - itís the other way around. Sheís the child! She should be the first priority and the first concern. So perhaps she wonít get attached to TDH either. S it worth the risk? But Beyond that, what are you modeling for her? Through her eyes itís completely normal and acceptable to meet some guy on the Internet and then I Invite him to your home and your bed on the first meeting. Then if that first meeting blows up itís okay to do it all over again. Is that the behavior you want to model for your daughter? Honestly? I pray we are not calling you grandma in a few years. I know thatís harsh but see it through a 12 year old CHILDS eyes. She is seeing what you do and will very likely do it herself. The most impressionable role model is the same sex parent. Given your profession you have to know this.

If it were just you Iíd say I donít agree (at all) but hey itís your life and your choices. As long as no one is being harmed go for it. But when children are involved, itís a whole new level of concern. She is not your mature friend. She is your still very impressionable daughter. And then we have TDH who by both of your own words has a struggling child who really needs extra care and patience so TDH sneaks away from the child a day earlier so he can play house with his brand new girlfriend. Wow. I so feel for that child. I have to wonder if this childís behavior is not intertwined to his fathers behavior. How can it not be?

Like others here, itís clear nothing we say will Change things one bit. All we can do is put our points in writing for the others who happen to read it. I hope you beat the odds here and hope we are all wrong. It could happen. Still, real Life stories Like Dirty John do happen. We all think it will never happen to us though. I certainly hope it never happens to you but the one thing that is hard to dispute at this point is there is no possible way you can truly know who TDH is - nor can he know who you truly are. You both may think you do and you may be starting to see the real person but you really canít this soon. Itís just not possible. Thatís why slow and steady often wins the race. Oh for sure the quick love at first sight sometimes works out as well but more often than not, it does not. Just please donít put others at risk for the decisions you make. There is a reason 12 year olds donít drive, vote or hold important jobs or make adult decisions - no matter how mature they may be. At their core they are still children and need to be protected.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/07/20 08:00 PM

Wow. Okay Don. Thanks for your input. You clearly know nothing about me or my situation or who I am and what kind of a role model I am. FYI... The people who know me in real life, including my kidsí grandma who lives with me, think that I am a fantastic role model...as do the hundreds of kids and families Iíve worked with over the years. I 100% know what my daughterís job is. Not sure if you have kids or not but relationships are two-way streets...even with kids. It is not her job to worry about me but she does it anyway as I did with my parents. I donít tell her everything. Sheís a very well taken care of kid and very well-adjusted. But thatís how kids with empathy and awareness are in the world. I was exactly the same way. Anyway...Iím done justifying myself to you. I think maybe you can just pay attention to other peopleís threads from now on.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/09/20 03:02 PM

Well...surgery went well and my sister has been an awesome nurse. Sheís had a number of surgeries so knows what I need to feel better. The clinic is located on the first floor of a really nice hotel so we stayed over last night so the clinic nurse can check on me this morning. Sweet setup. We have a full kitchen and a living room. Never had generally anaesthetic before. Bizarre experience, to say the least. Best sleep I ever had...lol. Last night was okay. I have a stomach binder on that makes me feel all put together so no major pain unless I move significantly which I only do if I need to get up. Gonna double up on pain meds for the car ride home which is about 90 minutes if traffic is okay.

TDH has been super sweet. Called me several times yesterday to make sure I was okay and sent me random texts throughout the day to make me smile. The last day with him went really well. He made me an amazing dinner of BBQd ribs and we basically sat on my deck and talked. He said he could talk to me for hours...it is so easy between us. We also took the kids out for ice cream earlier in the day and XH was outside when we drove up so I introduced them. XH told me he had to sell the boat in order to pay for the time he will need to be on the mainland for OWís surgery. I saw her when we dropped the kids off. Her stomach is swollen from all of the fluid and the rest of her is really skinny. I feel bad for her. She must be going through hell and Iím sure is worried about the transplant and how it will all go. I pray it all works out. So strange to get to this place of detachment with XH. I honestly hope things work out for them. I really do. I see them both now and I have no negative feelings whatsoever. I just want them to be happy the same way I want to be happy. As always, this would be the best case scenario for our kids.

Hope everyone had a great long weekend!! School starts tomorrow. Kids are excited. Hopefully CV19 cases remain low on the Island and they can keep going.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/09/20 03:10 PM

ok, well, in the interests of being consistent in my posts, here I am:

Most people who go the route of online dating are doing so in the hopes of meeting someone they 'click' with (pardon the pun), so that they can get to know that person better, and perhaps mutually decide that they want to start a relationship and see what happens.

Some people have other motives, but you're not going to know that at the beginning unless it's super obvious.

From what you've written DV, this is a guy you've 'clicked' with. The attraction is mutual. You both want to explore this to see where it can go from here.

Each of us comes to this forum with our own set of luggage which colors our posts and our actions both on and offline. People have made much of the fact that Andrew got annihilated for the speed with which he and B then S got together. I remain of the same opinions I posted at the time on his threads.

If I were to weigh in on your sitch, here are what I see as the positives:

** TDH has spent what seems to me to be a reasonable time on his own post divorce so you can have a reasonable expectation that he's not in a major rush to fill the void so many of us feel in the immediate aftermath of BD, nor are you in danger of being the "rebound" girl
** You've met him in his element, and sensed no red flags
** You've met some of his "people" and everything so far is consistent
** Your people are giving you positive feedback after meeting and spending time with him
** You guys have slowed the talk down and are seeming to take a more long-range view of things

and the negatives:

** still not clear on the text thing and subsequent explanation. I'd like to meet those folks myself to formulate a better opinion, if I were in your shoes. Again, that's what * I'd * like, not necessarily what * you * would like or need
** The son in question who has issues would raise a flag for me, BUT I do not do what YOU do for a living, so obviously your comfort level is different as is your professional knowledge of the situation.
** no, I wouldn't introduce my son to someone right away, probably not for several months, but again - that's me.

Why am I seemingly easier on you than Andrew?
** TDH hasn't several kids from several relationships.
** TDH hasn't been in an all fired rush to tie you down
** TDH isn't pursuing you while being legally married to someone else.
** You aren't being set up to be marriage #4.
** From what you've told us, it seems TDH has spent more time on self reflection and internal work than S
** You aren't moving anyone into your home with their children, pets etc. at what seems to be the speed of light, or at least the speed of sound
** So far TDH's actions match his words, except for that one incident. There's not lip service to doing something then not following through

Let's face it, tt's hard enough to find someone to "click" with. When you do, the last thing you need, imho, is to run a gauntlet, however well-meaning or well-intentioned that gauntlet may be. It's interesting to me how much support posters get on the other forums here and how hypercritical we all are on this particular side of the online fence. Again, I blame it on the luggage that got us here. Some on this forum have pretty much told me or acted like I'm either a prude or some sort of bizarre weirdo for the stance I take on romantic matters. As a twenty-something I was notoriously picky and that has not changed. I recognize that I am a bit of a unicorn. I'm not going to change who I fundamentally am and I'm not going to rush to put myself in a situation I'm haven't been ready for up til now. Bottom line - I don't give a rat's @$$ for anyone's opinion of how I live my life. I don't think you do either, so be happy, be careful, be safe.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/09/20 03:14 PM

also i'm glad your surgery went well. xooxo sending love and light for quick healing

it's wonderful that you have no negative feelings towards XH or OW. Shows how much work you've done. Good job!
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/09/20 05:41 PM

I couldn't agree more, bttrfly, that our responses here are totally colored by our own personal experiences, the life we have led, the particular baggage that we carry. While I wouldn't make the same choices I see others making, they, in turn would not likely make the same choices I do either. Sometimes, though, I do think that it is in those who differ from us most that we can learn the most. It is easy to get complacent in getting advice from like-minded people, but those of a differing opinion can offer a different perspective that may not seem as obvious to us.

I am the one who pointed out the difference in how people responded to DV vs. how they responded to Andrew and the subsequent comments were just a response to what I'd said, but I stand by it. Are there differences in the situations? Absolutely! But the main similarity that prompted my comments to begin with were the speed at which things seemed to be moving. I have hammered Andrew and I said my peace to DV as well and in both cases, they can take or leave what I said as they see fit. I don't live their lives and comment only based on one tiny tidbit of the story and I don't have to live with the very real consequences, whether they are positive or negative. At the end of the day, we all have to do what works for us in our situations. And, we can take advice from strangers on the internet or we can leave it as we see fit. I know I continue to post, though sometimes I get comments that sting a tad. I just remind myself that the comments are based on a very sliver of information that I provided, so I can take it personally or I can take it in the helpful spirit with which it is usually intended.

By the way, DV, sorry for the hijack, but I also wanted to say glad your surgery went well. Here's to quick healing so you can be up and around in no time.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/09/20 06:12 PM

you notice all my threads are gone. there are several reasons for that.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/09/20 06:55 PM

I did notice that, actually, and I respect it. I have a lot of respect for everyone who comes here and pours their heart out, honestly. It isn't easy to be vulnerable, even in a place where you don't really know the people IRL, so it is seemingly anonymous. wink
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/09/20 07:36 PM

Thanks you two. I am back home on my couch happy that is has a recliner built in. I think this will be my resting place for the next several days. My sister got a look at my tummy this morning (except for where the dressings are) and she thinks it looks fantastic...including my new belly button. So amazing what they can do these days.

RE: TDH and the speed of our relationship. I guess on one hand it is fast given how much we have seen each other physically but the emotional/intellectual part has been developing over a couple months so when we did meet in person, it really did not feel like it was for the first time. IDK...canít really explain it but every communication I have with him just gets better and better and I know his feelings for me are genuine. He texted me at 4 a.m. on Monday (he knows my phone is on silence) that he was thinking about me and when I asked him what he was doing up that late, he said he couldnít sleep cause he was worried about me having surgery.

Anyway...pain pills are kicking in so have to sign off. Will write more later. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/09/20 07:54 PM

Originally Posted by DejaVu6

RE: TDH and the speed of our relationship. I guess on one hand it is fast given how much we have seen each other physically but the emotional/intellectual part has been developing over a couple months so when we did meet in person, it really did not feel like it was for the first time. IDK...can’t really explain it but every communication I have with him just gets better and better and I know his feelings for me are genuine. He texted me at 4 a.m. on Monday (he knows my phone is on silence) that he was thinking about me and when I asked him what he was doing up that late, he said he couldn’t sleep cause he was worried about me having surgery.

Anyway...pain pills are kicking in so have to sign off. Will write more later. (((HUGS)))


I was in that place with Sparky, too, when we first met where we talked for awhile before meeting in person, so I do get that aspect of what you went through. We met online and chatted a bit that way and had originally planned to meet face to face relatively quickly just in the interest of feeling things out to see what happened and either move forward or move on. Then life happened and his dad got sick and despite being ill, died rather unexpectedly, and Sparky had to deal with all of that because he is an only child and his mother just lost it at that point. So, we pushed our meeting back and would just talk through text or on the phone. So, originally, we planned to meet in person right at a month after we first started talking, but it got pushed back another nearly 2 months, so we did feel like we'd known each other for awhile when we met in person. Where I differ from you (and it is ok that we differ because we are different people) is that once we met, I still proceeded very slowly and that was mainly because of the big XH-sized hole that was left in my ability to trust. Sparky had to pay for that a bit and we still talk about that occasionally as I try to make amends for that. It was not his fault but I still held him at arm's length. And, I'm super fortunate that he liked me enough to stay at arm's length and let me guide the pace. But, like I said in response to bttrfly's post, those were my choices and not likely the same ones others would make in my shoes, so it is what it is. We all see and do things differently based on what we have lived through in the past.
Posted By: harvey

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/10/20 03:26 AM

DV,

My current GF and I clicked immediately. I introduced her to my Mom and my cousin (who is like a sister to me) two weeks after meeting her. I'd keep doing what you are doing. The only thing I did differently was I didn't introduce her to my daughters until I knew we were solid. I knew my daughters weren't really ready for Dad to be with somebody other than their Mom. They really weren't comfortable with her until a couple of months ago. Your kids may be entirely different.
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/10/20 11:45 AM

Good Morning DV

Ahhhh, the reclining couch. smile

Iím glad the surgery went well and you are home and feeling good.

D
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/10/20 02:40 PM

Thanks Harvey. XH has been with someone else this entire time and the kids like her. My kids are more than ready to see me with someone new. They want that for me. They liked Jack but, like everyone else in their family, didnít think he was the right person for me. The first meeting with TDH went really well. You can tell he is used to being around kids and likes them. Given the distance between us, the exposure to him canít help but be gradual and over a long period of time as most of the time, he will be here when the kids are with their dad. Iím excited to see where this goes but I havenít lost my mind. I know that things could go wrong and that LDRís are tough. But both of us are committed to giving it a shot so weíll see.

Thanks DnJ. So...surgery... holy cr@p!!! The things we do to look good. Day one was definitely more comfortable than day two and probably day three which has just started. At least I was able to roll out of bed this morning without a searing pain in my incision area. Today I have to do some laps of the house which seems like a lot of effort at this stage...lol. Hopefully this will feel better soon. laugh
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/10/20 10:47 PM

Iím wishing you a speedy recovery! Iím glad everything went smoothly. My friend had the surgery and was in quite a bit of pain , but boy did she love the results!
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/10/20 11:40 PM

Thanks Ginger. Thatís really good to know. Iíve managed to go most of the day without a pain killer but just caved and took one. I think I should be feeling much better by the end of the weekend. Like my sister keeps saying... ďeye on the prize, eye on the prize.Ē Caught a glimpse of my new belly button. Looks pretty good from what I can see. smile
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/13/20 02:24 AM

Day four of recovery from my surgery. My sister is still here. I donít know what they were talking about in their pre-op info about needing someone around for a couple of days. Whoever decided that hasnít had this surgery...lol. Thereís no way I could go to the store to get groceries or drive my car. I can get out of bed and off the couch but Iím not allowed to stand up straight so my back can only handle a few laps around the house and I canít stand for very long. Kids have been with XH all week but are coming back tomorrow. My sister has offered to drive them to school until I can. I told my work I would be back on the 22nd but I think Iím going to move that to the 29th. My post op with my surgeon isnít until the 24th and I need a note from him before I can go back anyway. Wednesday is my appointment with the his nurse...hoping my drains can come out as they are pretty bulky.

TDH has been in touch every day. Itís hard talking to him though cause he is really funny and it hurts a lot to laugh. He called me last night from his back yard and his son wandered out after weíd been talking for a few minutes. He wanted to say hi so TDH handed him the phone and we had a nice little chat. Told me he didnít think his dad is as funny as I think he is and that he also hopes he can meet me soon. Great phone manners for an 11 year old.

So I just had a text conversation with XH. Apparently OWs transplant will come with a 12 hour heads up and then he says he needs to be in Van for a solid month. Ummm...that sounds a lot like me having the kids full time, I pointed out, and we havenít had one conversation about it. Really? He swears he talked to me about it. Um...not one word. And then after that month, he will be returning to work and going over there EVERY weekend for ??? Ummm...again...no conversation with me about it. Just an assumption that, because this is front and centre in his life, it will be front and centre in mine. Now donít get me wrong...of course I will take our kids when he needs me to...but is it too much to ask that we have a conversation and he at least asks me for my cooperation instead of just assuming it?... like... Gee...DV... I know that I basically abandoned you to single parent for four years but OW needs me so that trumps everything...including our legal agreement that says I will look after our kids 50% of the time. Does it make me an awful person that I find this irritating? I mean, if the shoe were on the other foot, I would never assume he would be there for me. Not in a million years. I would have sat down with him as soon as I knew I would need his help, told him what was going on and asked him for what I needed and then tried to figure out a Plan B for times that he couldnít help me out. IDK...am I wrong?
Posted By: kml

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/13/20 04:12 AM

If you have 50:50 custody and gf doesnít pay child support then he at least needs to pay for some babysitters so you can go out once in a while during that time.
Posted By: kml

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/13/20 04:13 AM

Ex not gf
Posted By: DnJ

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/13/20 04:17 PM

Good Morning DV

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Thanks DnJ. So...surgery... holy cr@p!!! The things we do to look good.

Oh, I know!

I ran a bush through my hair this morning.

smile

Wait. Oh ya, surgery, incision, searing pain.

Now, donít go pulling a stitch laughing from that comedic gold up there. Lol


In your custody agreement, I think you had something about, if one of you could not take the kids the other had right to first option to look after them. XH may be ďstrictlyĒ misapplying it, however he is following the spirit of it. There are few things I would give that man props for; one is he has not weaponized the children. You two actually seem to have coparenting down pretty well.

Yes, him assuming and not asking is irritating. Feelings, they flit. Big picture, you are his first choice for coverage. That is a very good thing. Let go the feelings and roll with it. The end result is what youíd want.

Get the information from XH. Assure him that you are available with the 12 hours notice. Then go about your life. It does you no good to fret over something you cannot control and are going to agree too anyhow.


Take care DV.

D
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/14/20 02:13 AM

Thanks KML. Luckily, childcare is not an issue. I have his mom and my sister if I need a break. My sister already told me that if I need a weekend away, she will come and stay with the kids. For me, I think it is more about the assumptions he makes that I will just be there...takes me back to when we were married and he left me on my own with the kids while he went off for his ďtreatmentsĒ. As DnJ says...the end result will be the same. I will take them regardless. Heís just never cared about how things impact me so I guess I shouldnít expect him to care now.

Day five of healing from my surgery. Getting a bit better every day but it sure feels slow. The only surgery Iíve had before was my c-section and I recall it took a couple weeks for me to be really up and around. Of course, the first year of my kidsí lives is a complete blur so who knows. Just keeping my fingers crossed that my drains can come out on Wednesday. It will really help with my mobility. Looked up the timeline for healing from this. Iíve read so many different ones that Iím not sure what to believe. I could do without the stomach binder but that apparently stays on anywhere between two weeks and three months. That is quite a discrepancy. I think it will be longer than two weeks for sure but three months seems like a lot. Ginger...do you recall how long it took your friend?
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/14/20 04:53 PM

I'm so glad that I waited until today to post a response to your post the other day about your XH's issues with OW. DnJ responded pretty much what I was thinking, though said it much more tactfully than I probably could've. First and foremost, if the whole thing irritates you (I think I recall that was the word you used), then that is how you feel and no one has a right to tell you or try and make you feel a different way than that. So, there is that. But I guess, for me, in the bigger picture, I was seeing it from a different perspective. I get where you would find it irritating, particularly in light of how your marriage ended, but I don't know that it was his intention to create an issue. Should you care about OW's medical issues....well, I suppose as just a human in general, yes, but as it relates specifically to you, not really. Having been on your XH's side of the fence and caring for a partner with a ton of life-threatening medical issues, I can say I have done exactly what he did. My XH was in a fight for his life following a surgery gone wrong and I just assumed that his XW would take care of the girls during that time, even though it meant them being with her ALL the time. I didn't even talk to her about it. And, though it was not necessarily my place to do so, XH couldn't because they were keeping him sedated at the time. I didn't not talk to her to annoy her or because I was taking her time for granted, but simply because I was so overwhelmed that it just never occurred to me that the girls' own mother wouldn't jump at the chance to have more time with them for a little while. Again, I'm not necessarily saying how your XH went about it was right, but I certainly get it because I have been in his shoes, kind of. During that time in my life, there were a lot of things that got pushed to the back burner because my sole focus was on dealing with my XH and what was going on with him and whether he was even going to survive. I'm sure my assuming she'd take them full time was irritating to her and I'm sure she was frustrated that her XH's issues were overflowing into her life and I would've changed it if I could've, but the reality of the situation was I was doing all I could do to hold it together. So, did your XH step on your toes a bit (or maybe even a lot)? Yes. But, he is dealing with something serious and so much larger than himself that he is bound to be out of sorts about it. If the shoe were on the other foot and you had a partner who was dealing with something so big, would your XH do for you what he's expecting you to do? If he would, then good on both of you for being civil adults and dealing with what you have to deal with. If he wouldn't, then he's an a$$ but that doesn't negate what he's dealing with in this moment.

I hope that all makes sense and doesn't come across as rude. I do think you have every right to feel irritated, angry, upset, whatever you feel. That is your business. How he handles it all is his business. How it affects your kids is both of your business.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/16/20 02:09 AM

Thanks both of you. As usual DnJ...you recommend taking the high road and of course, i will.

I do get what you are saying Dawn. I really do. But it is a different situation. If he was the sick one, I would expect nothing of OW regarding the care of my kids because I am their mom and it is my responsibility. My agreement is not with her, it is with him and he is perfectly fine so expecting him to have a conversation with me is not asking too much. And in terms of being overwhelmed with having a ďsickĒ spouse, I know EXACTLY how that feels because I lived it for four years. Even though it turned out to be a bunch of baloney, I didnít know that. My situation was as real to me as yours was to you. Our kids, his daughter and his mom didnít know it either so not only did I have to manage my feelings during that time, I also had to manage theirs. It was a living hell... for YEARS. He didnít give a crap how overwhelmed I was or how it was impacting our kids. So, respectfully, I am fully entitled to feel irritated by this. He is lucky that is all I feel.

Itís the principle of it more than anything. Anytime I have asked him for help, I have done so as far ahead of time as possible and I have made up for the extra days. Honestly...when i take into account all of the times he hasnít looked after our kids in the past five years, he probably owes me about 700 days and that is probably on the low side. And of course I want to see my kids but single parenting is hard and I need breaks and they need to see their dad. He actually said ďI guess I could take them during the weekĒ once he is back home as if not having her there meant that he could just skip it. Uh no...youíre their dad. It is irrelevant whether or not you have someone else there to help you.

Anyway...I am over it. As DnJ so rightly declared...feelings are fleeting. I told him he has my support and I meant it. I doubt it has even crossed his mind that what he is going through is exactly what he put me through. TBH...that is the part that is irritating.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/16/20 02:36 AM

Originally Posted by DejaVu6


I do get what you are saying Dawn. I really do. But it is a different situation. If he was the sick one, I would expect nothing of OW regarding the care of my kids because I am their mom and it is my responsibility. My agreement is not with her, it is with him and he is perfectly fine so expecting him to have a conversation with me is not asking too much. And in terms of being overwhelmed with having a ďsickĒ spouse, I know EXACTLY how that feels because I lived it for four years. Even though it turned out to be a bunch of baloney, I didnít know that. My situation was as real to me as yours was to you. Our kids, his daughter and his mom didnít know it either so not only did I have to manage my feelings during that time, I also had to manage theirs. It was a living hell... for YEARS. He didnít give a crap how overwhelmed I was or how it was impacting our kids. So, respectfully, I am fully entitled to feel irritated by this. He is lucky that is all I feel.
.


Yes my situation was somewhat different because I was in the role of your XH but my point in telling that story was just to help you see it from a different perspective. I didnít intend to be rude or disrespectful at all. And as I myself pointed out in my post, yes, you are entitled to feel annoyed or whatever other emotion you feel. I wasnít trying to sway you or say you were wrong...just trying to help you see a different angle.
Posted By: kml

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/16/20 04:54 PM

Hope you're feeling better today.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/17/20 03:32 AM

Thanks. Iím feeling a bit better every day. Had my first post-op appointment today with my surgeonís nurse. A really nice guy with the same name as my son. I told him I had to take one of my heavy pain meds to go sleep last night and when he removed the dressing, he saw that I had accidentally pulled one of my drains half way out and since they are sutured into my skin, it made sense. Anyway...he removed both drains and my dressing. Originally I had planned to return to work on the 22nd but I donít think I will be ready to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day so Iím taking another week. I checked in with my staff today and things are as slow as when I left so they donít really need me to rush back. So Iím going to take the extra time.

Next week, there is another sticky layer that comes off and then they put some sort of silicone on or something like that. He says he will explain it all next week. My belly button bandage comes off then too. My stomach looks pretty flat despite the swelling and the skin looks good so I think Iím going to like the results. The nurse at the clinic said I will really enjoy how strong I will feel with my core muscles back in place. Hopefully it is what I needed to stop by back from giving out periodically which it has been doing since my kids were born.

Kids are home today and are with me until Monday when they go back to their dadís. Monday TDH is coming over to ďlook afterĒ me. Heís been wanting to do that since my surgery but weíre not really at the stage where I am okay with him seeing me at my worst. I know it doesnít matter to him (he says) but it definitely matters to me. The first week or two after surgery is definitely sister time...lol. Anyway... I should be standing straight by then and fully showering on my own without needing any help drying off as Iím already about 90% there. It will be great to see him. Weíve been missing each other a lot.

Exchanged a number of texts with XH last night. Just some housekeeping items and tv show recommendations. We continue to have really positive interactions. I think me having a boyfriend helps in some ways. He doesnít have to worry about me reading anything into our interactions the way I think he used to when BD first happened. I stopped doing that long ago but he doesnít necessarily know that.

So...not much new to report. Nothing much happens when you are basically confined to your house. Today was the first day Iíve left it since I got home from my surgery. Hope all is well with everyone in DB land. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/19/20 11:13 AM

Hey vu! Just say saw your post.

Re: the pain! Iím afraid itís going to be a little while. So please take care of yourself and donít rich the process and let others help you as much as you can. My friend actually had an old adjustable bed in her sons room and she had to sleep on that and it helped her a lot. Youíll get there soon , youíll feel fantastic and will probably want to walk around in a bikini all day every day, even in the freezing cold!
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/19/20 06:44 PM

Thanks G. Yeah... this has been an interesting process to say the least. Historically, Iíve been a pretty fast healer and I think I tolerate pain pretty well but I canít see getting back to work before three weeks are up. Especially with nothing pressing to do. I also have a hard time letting people do things for me but I am making an exception this time. My kids have been somewhat helpful. They do what I ask them to do but I sure wish they would lose the pre-teen put-out look beforehand...lol. Hope your rash is clearing up. If anyone could use a helping hand these days, itís you. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/19/20 06:48 PM

I literally laughed out loud at the preteen put-out look. Girl.....hold on to your hat because it only gets worse when the teen years set in. They lose it about 22 or 23.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 09/25/20 04:21 PM

Another five days of healing... bandages are off (I have a new belly button!!!). Saw my surgeon yesterday and he says everything looks good. If only I didnít have to wear this annoying stomach binder with the Velcro that comes undone every time I move too much...about 100 times a day!!!

Epic storm last night. My sister was just here using her shower as a downed tree cut off her power at about 5:30 a.m. KIds were over after school for about an hour yesterday. I dozed on the couch and she and TDH played three different board games. Having him around has been great. Heís been doing all of my chores for me and making me meals. Heís heading back tomorrow as he is finally going back to work. This might be short lived however as case numbers are spiking on the lower mainland and there is some talk of another shutdown. Here on the Island, despite tourist season, we are solidly sitting at 6 active cases...considering the area that covers and the population (about 900,000 people), Iíd say we are rocking this!!

Other than that, not much to report. Life is just rolling along and my R with TDH is getting stronger and stronger. He really is a lot like me. Wears his heart on his sleeve, loves people, cares about the important things in life... we are just really, really compatible in a lot of ways. Oh...and...this might be TMI but... BEST SEX EVER!!!! So thereís that too...lol.

(((HUGS))) to all!!!
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/01/20 05:47 PM

Week three of recovery is over and I am back at work. Still pretty slow with the courts only just starting to get back into the swing of things. I did get a new client referral, however, that I am thrilled about. A boy that I had worked with at my old job and had to transfer him to someone else. I was worried he would not connect with the new therapist and apparently that is what happened. I talked to his mom yesterday and they are really happy that I am going to be working with him again.

TDH ended up staying until Sunday morning so he was here for six days. He was so great to have around. He made me meals, mowed my lawn, cleaned my kitchen, did laundry and chatted with my MIL like they were old friends (she says he's a "keeper")...SD20 too. My kids were here for one day and he played board games with them and helped my daughter with her sparring techniques (TKD).

I am heading to the mainland this weekend to see him. I will be meeting his mom for the second time and he's got a dinner planned on Saturday to introduce me to some other family members. He checks in with me every day and we've started playing online Scrabble games which is pretty fun. We had a really good talk when he was here visiting. He asked me to go steady...lol. Well...that's my term for it. He said he wants to be clear with me that he is not looking to date anyone else and that he hasn't done the distance thing before but is committed to giving it his best shot. I'm giving it my best too so I guess we'll see how it goes.

So...new topic... I listened to an interview of Esther Perel yesterday who was talking about affairs and why people have them and she said something really powerful that resonated with me...

"When you are attracted by the gaze of another, it isn't just because you want to leave the person you are with. It is because you want to leave the person that you yourself have become. It isn't because you want to meet somebody else but it is that you want to meet another self. There is no greater other than a different version of yourself." When I look at who my XH was and who he is now, I feel like truer words were never spoken.

(((HUGS))) to all!!!
Posted By: kml

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/01/20 06:51 PM

Glad the new romance is going so well!
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/01/20 10:50 PM

Thanks KML. It was definitely a strange start but things have really come together and we are enjoying getting to know each other and spending time together. He is refreshingly open and transparent and I feel like there isn't anything I can't talk to him about. He's just a genuinely nice person who is easy to be around.

Further thoughts regarding the interview with EP that I listened to. She talked about the importance of having shared values with your partner and said that there are people who are "raised to be autonomous" and people who are "raised to be connected". I think most of us would say we are a bit of both so this was an interesting thought to contemplate. TDH and I had a discussion about it this afternoon during lunch. We have concluded that we both lean heavily toward the connection side of things. We value relationship and community over independence and seek it out when things get hard. We also both believe that when you are committed to someone, you should do what it takes to work it out with splitting up being the last possible resort (assuming you aren't in an abusive relationship). Both of us come from families with really close relationships - him even more so than me because he has a huge extended family and has many cousins that are as close as his siblings whereas I just mostly had my nuclear family). When I contrast that to XH, it is a big difference. He was not raised with siblings and was a lot younger than his cousins. He is not particularly close to either of his parents. Even though he and his mom have always lived together, the closeness they share is not even close to what I had with my parents. He hides a lot of things from her. Their discussions are mostly at a surface level. I don't think she knows his heart the way my parents knew mine. When he encounters difficulties in life, he is more apt to withdraw and ruminate than he is to seek out the help of others. He told me more than once he is a "private" [secretive] person whereas I am an open book. I wish he and I had had a serious discussion around values before we got married although I suspect, at the time, he would have just told me what I wanted to hear. If I had paid attention to what I observed more than what he told me (knowing what I know now, of course), I think I would have seen a few more red flags. But then again...hindsight is always 20/20 so who knows? Anyway...it was a very interesting interview to say the least.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/08/20 12:35 AM

Journaling...

Spent last weekend with TDH on the mainland. We spent most of our time doing the ďtourist in my own townĒ thing. Went to a tiny town that I love about an hourís drive away from his place and perused the shops and the farmerís market. Bought TDHís mom a fall flower arrangement to decorate her table at Thanksgiving which TDH says is the one dinner she goes ďall outĒ for. Saturday dinner didnít happen because his mom had to work so we needed up going out for dinner instead. We finally had dinner with his mom on Monday and she taught me how to play a new card game. I won one and she won one so before I left, she said I had to come back and play the tie breaker. She also invited me to Thanksgiving dinner but I had to decline because Iím doing dinner for my family. Still...nice to be invited.

TDH and I are still doing really well. Every time we spend time together, I notice more things about him that I really love...

1. He makes sure when we are walking down the street that he is on the side of traffic so if a car veered off track, he would be the first one hit.
2. Since my surgery, he insists on carrying my purse because he thinks it is too heavy.
3. His toenails are different colours because his 9 year-old daughter loves to paint nails.
4. Sunday night, at his suggestion, we played a ďgameí where we took turns throwing out a random word and talking about a memory or thought that the word triggered. He LOVED that game and we learned a lot about each otherís childhood.
5. He wears his heart on his sleeve and isnít scared to tell me what he is feeling.
6. He compliments me all the time and notices things about me that other people donít...or at least never mention.
7. He thinks Iím beautiful and seems oblivious to my physical flaws.

There are lots more but suffice it to say, Iím a happy camper. smile
Posted By: kml

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/08/20 03:38 AM

Quote
He thinks Iím beautiful and seems oblivious to my physical flaws.


Isnít that the best?????
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/08/20 02:44 PM

great update DV xoxo
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/10/20 09:03 PM

Thanks Btttrfly. I am trying to keep my head on straight with it all. Feels like Iíve met my match in a lot of ways. TDH is just so open and affectionate. Things started off a bit strangely but ever since our first in-person meeting, everything has gone really, really well. We are both very happy and feel like the distance thing is something we can figure out over time. A 90 minute ferry ride and 30 minute drive is not really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. We think we can probably see each other at least every two weeks for a two or three days at a time. So weíll see...one day at a time. smile

KML...It is the BEST!!! I am so confident with him. It is such a great feeling. When weíre together, itís like no one else exists for him(or me for that matter). He told me recently that when his marriage ended, he told himself he was never going to love anyone again because he didnít want to get hurt. Then he met me and even though it scares him, he says it is worth the risk. I think so too. So... dating apps are deleted and we are giving it our best shot. Fingers crossed it will all work out in the end.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/11/20 04:17 PM

happy thanksgiving DV! xo
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/11/20 05:34 PM

Thanks Bttrfly.

Thanksgiving is not turning out the way I would have hoped. Realized this morning that I wasnít supposed to thaw my pre-stuffed turkey so had to throw it out. Pretty sure I thawed the last one I had so apparently we are lucky we didnít all get food poisoning from it.

And as if that wasnít bad enough... S12 is sick. Started with a slight sore throat on Friday, a fever on Saturday and this morning an incessant cough. So...called the CV19 hotline and he has to be tested while everyone else has to self isolate. So no going to work or school or anywhere until we have his test results. The first opening for a test is on Tuesday morning which means we likely wonít know the results until Thursday. They arenít scheduled to go back to their dadís until Friday so hopefully the test will be negative and heíll be able to take them. Of course now Iím feeling ďoffĒ. Hoping it is just the power of suggestion and Iím not actually getting sick.

Anyway... Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians. Hope yours turns out better than mine. smile
Posted By: kml

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/11/20 05:56 PM

Thereís a study out of Spain published the last week of August which confirms what observational studies have suggested - that vitamin D may play a huge role in controlling the severity of Covid. In the study, hospitalized patients were all given standard of care. 60 were also given vitamin d (a rapid acting form that raises vitamin D levels in a day instead of a week). Only 1 out of the 50 had to go to the ICU, and none died. Of 26 controls who didnít receive the vitamin D, half ended up in the ICU and 2 died.

Bottom line, a large dose of vitamin D right now might lessen the severity of disease. I would also add zinc lozenges, vitamin C, niacinamide and B12.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/12/20 03:05 PM

Thank you KML. Much appreciated. I will get on this. smile
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/19/20 04:51 PM

Hi All.

Thought it was time for an update. First off...S12 tested negative for CV19 so I got to work in my office on Friday and D12 went back to school. S12 waited until today to return as he still had a bit of a cough on Friday. Because of this and OWís medical condition, I got to hang onto them for the weekend. We ended up having our missed Thanksgiving dinner last night. TDH is over so he made the turkey and stuffing and I made the rest of the main meal. My sister brought over dessert. It was a great time! Lots of laughs and way too much food. Afterwards, TDH jumped up from the table and started cleaning. I told him he really didnít need to but he said...ĒDV. This is what I do. I like to cook for people and I like to clean the kitchen.Ē Seriously?!? Who likes to clean the kitchen? He also checked out the towel rack in my kidsí bathroom which has been hanging off the wall by a thread and tells me that the only way to fix it (because it has been moved at least once already apparently), is to replace the drywall and redo it. He said it is an easy fix and he is happy to do it for me on one of his visits.

Saturday was also a lot of fun. I bought Japanese food for everyone and we had a family games night. TDH has really fit in with my family. He is just really easy to be around. Before I started dating, I told myself that I wanted someone who is naturally helpful (not someone who needs me to ask him to do anything), open about his feelings, honest, passionate and crazy about me. Check, check, check, check and check. Early days still but so far, things are working out really, really well. He is such a family guy. He checks in daily with his kids and when he is home, he sees them almost daily even though they live with their mom and takes them out to do things. He is really good with my kids too. Yesterday, when my sister came over, he gave me some space to visit and went outside to shoot hoops with D12. He also spent some time with S12 listening to him go on and on about his video games and seemed genuinely interested as opposed to just giving him air time like most adults. S12 is sooo excited when he finds someone who is willing to talk to him about his games...lol.

My sister and I have started planning our Croatia trip at the end of next summer (assuming things with CV19 have settled). The only concern is that our other friend who is supposed to come with us has MS which has flared up recently. She has had some problems with her legs the last month or so and is using her wheelchair that she hasnít used for 20 years. We are hoping that this is temporary but also aware that MS is a degenerative disease and this may be just the natural progression of things and a permanent change. So unfair. I cannot think of a nicer person than this friend. She does not deserve this terrible disease...not in the least. It s#cks.

Anyway...not much else to talk about. Life in DVís world is pretty good for the most part. Hope all is well out there in DB Land. Stay safe everyone!! (((HUGS))) to all!!
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/19/20 06:03 PM

Iím very glad I was wrong and you didnít take my advice
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/19/20 08:40 PM

Thanks G but, to be fair, you were not alone and it was pretty reasonable advice given how things started out. smile
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/27/20 02:30 PM

Update time...

TDH went back home last Thursday so was here for a week. Funny how quickly a week can go by. It was great to have him here and to have someone to come home to after work for those four days. He and SD20 have really formed a friendship and I have a hilarious video of them when she decided to give him a facial. There was a part where she put a towel over his face and ice cubes where his eyes were. His comments had both of us doubled over. She says she loves his energy and that he is such a ďdadĒ. He is genuinely interested in other people, young or old, and that comes across. MIL really likes him too. He is almost flirty with her - she comes up the stairs and he greets her with ďhey girlfriendĒ and she instantly smiles and laughs.

Since his return home, he has called or texted daily. Heís been spending a lot of quality time with his kids so it is usually in the morning and the evening that I hear from him with some short ďhiĒ texts in between to let me know he is thinking about me. My kids are going back to their dadís on Friday so Iím heading over to the mainland to spend time with him there. He really wants me to meet his kids and they apparently want to meet me too. Saturday is Halloweíen so the plan is for us to take his daughter trick or treating (his son stopped going last year) and supposedly his ex is coming too.

Iím not sure how that is going to go. I think she is curious about me but from what he has said, not very happy that I am in the picture. She cheated on him and was in a relationship with OM for a couple years before he ended it over text on NYE (quality guy there) saying he didnít want to be a step dad. This summer she found out he is engaged to a woman with kids so that news stung. Since then she hasnít found anyone else and has come to rely on TDH to be there whenever she calls. So having him away for days at a time has been an adjustment and I think has probably caused her to look back on what it was she gave up... a loyal family-oriented guy who would give you the shirt off his back and who was 100% committed to his marriage. Heís still that guy only now his loyalties and love are focused on a different woman and Iím sure that stings a bit. Karma is a b*tch. I have told him that I am fine with whatever but also perfectly happy to find something else to do for a couple hours if he thinks it will be too awkward to have us both there. Iím happy to meet her as I have no issue with her at all but Iím not sure she is feeling the same way. Guess we will see...

The rest of my life is ticking along. Pretty worried about my friend with MS. She is getting intense steroid treatments for the next week and if that doesnít help her, they are considering chemotherapy. My sister and I have been planning our trip with her to give her something to look forward to but Iím worried that we have set her up for a big disappointment. Really hoping this latest treatment makes a difference.

Time to get ready for work. (((HUGS))) to all!!
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/27/20 02:42 PM

Nice update. Glad things are going well. What about his son? Wasn't he freaking out about his dad coming to see you awhile back and now his dad is spending weeks at a time? That seems like a quick change. A good change, of course, if he's not freaking out anymore, but still pretty quick.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/27/20 03:26 PM

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
This summer she found out he is engaged to a woman with kids so that news stung.
Hang on - What? What? You've been engaged since the summer or was this to someone else?
Posted By: kml

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/27/20 05:16 PM

No Andrew - her OM is engaged. To a woman with kids after he broke up with her because she had kids.
Posted By: kml

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/27/20 05:20 PM

Oh yeah - the ex-wife might be a problem. She is exactly at the point where she is wanting her ex to be on the shelf as her possible Plan B, probably realizing what a mess she made of it all, and you are in the way. And he's such a devoted dad, it's possible that she might step up her approach to him and he might feel he has to give it another try for the sake of the kids.

Not sure whether it's better to go - and see who you're dealing with (you know, keep your friends close and your enemies closer) OR to stay away and remain a mystery to her for a while longer so you don't trip that trigger of her suddenly realizing she's lost him and going into overdrive to get him back. Hmmmmm....
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/27/20 05:44 PM


Originally Posted by kml
No Andrew - her OM is engaged. To a woman with kids after he broke up with her because she had kids.



Wait...now I'm confused. I thought it was TDH's XW's OM who is engaged to a woman with kids after ditching TDH's XW because she has kids. Lord have mercy I need charts and graphs or something. LOL

For what it is worth, DV, I agree with kml that going to see what you are dealing with isn't a bad idea, if TDH thinks it is copacetic. Might give you better insight on how to handle her moving forward. Since she is the mother of his children, there will likely be some interaction between the two of you, if you and TDH are in it for the long haul.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 10/28/20 12:44 AM

Thanks all. You had it right Dawn... I was talking about TDHís XWís OM... thatís a lot of letters so I can see where the confusion comes from. Bottom line... I think she is pretty miffed that he is the one with an SO and she is the one who is on her own with no boyfriend. I donít think that is how she anticipated things turning out.

My suspicion, from what he has told me about his ex, is that she might try to be a problem... but she doesnít know who she is dealing with yet...lol. I donít think I have ever felt so secure in a new relationship... not just because of how he treats me but, even more so, because of how I feel about myself. I am 100% falling in love with TDH, no doubt, but I am so different now. I donít think I will ever again be in a relationship with the mindset that the other person is ďthe oneĒ or that it is going to last forever no matter what. I know that regardless of how things go, I am strong and I will be just fine. It doesnít mean that I will love him less than I did XH...but I think it means that I will love him different...more consciously and with a lot more self differentiation. Does that make any sense? I just feel like I have this inner strength that I didnít have before and that if he were to suddenly change his mind about us tomorrow, I would be sad and disappointed but not destroyed. So I am super calm about everything and I think that just ups his attraction to me. When I meet his ex, whether that happens this weekend or another time, I think she is going to realize that pretty quickly. I donít feel any competition with her or any need to stake my claim, so to speak. Iím just going to be my friendly self and if she doesnít like me, it will be because she doesnít want to like me.

RE: his son. His son had a fit the first time he tried to come over because for some reason, he was super scared that his dad was moving and not coming back. Since then, itís been fine. TDH thinks it has actually been good for his kids for him to be away for short periods of time as it has forced his ex to step up and do some problem solving on her own without constantly calling him to come in and rescue her.

I talked with TDH today and it sounds like his ex might be taking his daughter trick or treating and he and I will be spending some time with his S11. So...weíll see how it goes. I know I will meet everyone eventually and Iím not in a rush at all. Just taking one day at a time and enjoying spending time with TDH when I see him. TBH...Iím kind of enjoying the LDR. We get to spend some concentrated time together but in between, can focus on our kids and our other responsibilities. In the beginning, I wasnít sure if I would like it but itís actually been really good. smile
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Living in the Light Part III - 11/07/20 06:53 PM

New thread... https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2907862&#Post2907862
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