Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Ginger1 not where I thought I would be - 07/04/20 11:05 PM
Previous Thread:

more of the same

I guess I'll start another thread, I need to get some things off my minf.

I was thinking about where I was last year this 4th of July. I was spending it with M and his family. He had to drop his son off with his ex and the police station and he invited me. I drove with them. His son wanted me to come in with them, but of course I didn't. I remember feeling so close to them that day and I just felt happy. 2 days later we went to his friend's bbq with the kids. The day after that we left for our "family" vacation (he called i that). It's been a year. I should be over it by now, but I mourn the loss of what I thought it might have been.

Today, I worked. Then I came home to an empty house. Not invited to any parties. It's just me. I ordered in some dinner. I had a beer. ALone. Everything is alone these days.

Truth be told, I feel like the biggest loser (not the TV series kind). No friends, no partner, no family. Just me, ANd it has left me feeling like a huge loser. I have the most contact with my exH Ouch!

Rough week at work. Luckily I have some great support at work. I did actually realize I should have went for that managers position. I would have been really good at it. ANd i could have quit my second job. But I will trust everything is happening for a reason.

I have another date this week. I guess I don't have a problem getting dates. But I have trouble connecting with them. Maybe this one will be a little better.

I'm going to go have another beer now with my dog because then it's not drinking alone

Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/04/20 11:33 PM
Awww sweetie - donít fall into the trap. A year ago you were in a relationship with a guy who wasnít meeting your needs and who you were pretzeling around to make it work. Now you are free to find a guy worthy of your love.

And pandemics are rotten, itís just a terrible isolating time for so many. I know itís rough for you. But donít sink into old thought patterns.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/05/20 12:22 AM
KML, I do sometimes question if I was asking for too much, if I was too ďneedyĒ and I should have taken what he was giving because the alternative ainít much better.

But I really do know the true answer to that. At this point in time, I would go back to where we were. But in the long run I know itís wouldnít be the right decision.

This pandemic does stink. My physically. Lose friends are distant. My emotional close friends are physically distant.

It all just stinks
Posted By: MLCxH Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/05/20 07:22 AM
Sorry if it sounds harsh, but it's said with good intentions.

You need to stop this narrative of self pity. You are putting having a relationship on a pedestal and making it out to be a prize that defines happiness in your life. This unfortunately is counter productive to your finding and having a good relationship. In your whole post, the only thing that is a negative is the lack of a relationship and you are letting that convince yourself that your life stinks.

Let's look at some positives, shall we?
You are healthy.
You are gainfully employed when so many others have lost their jobs
You are relatively young and attractive.
You have no trouble finding dates or being able to go out on them
Yes, the pandemic is tough but the worst is hopefully behind you where you live
You are not a high risk person such as old or one with a compromised immune system
You don't have to worry about food, shelter or security
You have a wonderful daughter who loves you
You have a dog who loves you and will love you unconditionally
You live in a first world country where inspite of all the positives, you can convince yourself life stinks smile

Happiness comes from within. Stop looking for happiness defined by a relationship and it will happen. If it does not, you are still happy! I know it is hard but look at the positives when the going gets tough. Hang in there!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/06/20 01:28 AM
MLC, nobody is tougher on me, than me, so I donít find this harsh.

I can see how you would think Iím coming from a. Place of self pity. complete unhappiness, and needing a relationship.

The truth is, I appreciate the positives in my life. Iíve worked extremely hard for them.

I donít even think itís a romantic relationship Iím craving, itís just human relationships. See, Iím not looking for happiness externally. But a part of me , that fuels me, is human connection. Itís the most important thing in life to me. And Iíve lost a lot of that recently.

Itís not self pity. Itís a true pain deep down inside. I wish it would go away.

My friends have drifted away during this whole pandemic . Itís been tough.

But I am very great full I created a life where my kid wants for nothing , I can support Is, and we are healthy. I have a lot of positives.

I hope maybe one day I can have my friendships back, or new ones. Maybe even have a partner, but that Iím not banking on that.

But Iíll be ok. Iím always ok in the end. D12 and I had a nice day together . That relationship is solid
Posted By: wooba Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/06/20 04:06 AM
Ginger,

Iím sorry that you are hurting. I hope you can find a little bit of solace in the friendships here in this forum. smile
Posted By: MLCxH Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/06/20 04:51 AM
G,
I understand this is difficult and I am not insensitive to your pain. Lean on the positives in your life to deal with the pain. Use the pain to fuel internal growth. This forum constantly reminds everyone to use our problems to grow and get better and I am hoping you can use this to do the same. They say that when a person is blind their other senses get stronger. Strengthen the relationships with the ones you are able to stay in touch with. Most importantly, strengthen your relationship with yourself. This is a great opportunity for self reflection without the distractions we have in our busy lives.

You are a strong woman and you know that. Lean on your positivea for strength and know that this too shall pass smile
Posted By: Mumin Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/06/20 10:38 AM
G
Maybe you should try the find - a-friend version of bumble.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/06/20 02:30 PM
(((G)))

You are a very social person, an extrovert, so I can't even begin to imagine how hard all of this pandemic, quarantine, stay home order stuff is affecting you. As an introvert, I even struggled a bit with feeling isolated and missing human contact outside that from my husband. When you factor in that you are a front-line, essential worker, in healthcare, in arguably one of the hardest hit areas of this whole issue, well, it stands to reason why you feel the way that you do. Of course, they are your feelings, regardless of all the extenuating circumstances and as such, you do not owe anyone any sort of explanation about them.

Having said all that, I do agree, to a point, with both kml and MLCxH. I don't think you miss M so much as you miss the idea of what might have been, but you know in your heart of hearts that he wasn't right for you because you were not getting your basic needs met by him and he was not far enough along in healing from his own D to be able to properly enter another R and meet that person's needs. He just had too much baggage both from his D and from his own personal issues. Like kml said, don't fall into old thought patterns. You were NOT being too needy. Go back and read your posts from that time and really think about them. You were bending too much of what you wanted to fit what he was willing to give and while that may work in the short run, in the long run, you would be the one who suffered for it.

I also agree with MLCxH in that you do seem to place a lot of value on being in a relationship and that is not the be all end all. I get that you have been single for a long time, but you have accomplished SO much to be proud of in that time and mostly by yourself. That is something that is difficult and you should be so proud of how strong, accomplished and amazing you are. It is easy for me to sit here and say relationships are not the be all end all when I'm in one, but I felt that way before I found Sparky and I was truly content in the thought that I might never marry again. I wasn't willing to compromise for just anyone and you need to hold on to that stance as well. You are an amazing woman. I still believe, whether you do or not, that there is someone out there for you and when the time is right, your paths will cross. Until then, DO NOT SETTLE!

I wish I had advice for you on the friend thing. It does get harder as we get older to make new friends and with all the stuff going on in our world right now, it is even more difficult. My heart hurts for you that you feel so lonely and disconnected. I'm always here to chat and you know how to find me. We might live in 2 different worlds in many ways, but I can be your friend from afar and we can have virtual drinks or something if that would help.

You really are amazing, G. Truly. You are beautiful, smart, hard-working, a great mom......you have so much going for you. I tell my daughters all the time that I wish I could give them the ability to see themselves through my eyes and I wish I could give you that ability as well...to see yourself through the eyes of others instead of your own eyes since we are always our own worst/harshest critics.
Posted By: LH19 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/06/20 06:10 PM
G,

You know I support you everyday.

I am sorry I have to hijack your thread and ask MLCxH to update his thread.
Posted By: Georgiabelle Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/07/20 12:26 PM
G,

(Hug)........I feel you. Trust me. I have lots to be grateful for and I AM thankful. However, when it comes to relationships, I completely relate. It seems like everyone around me is dating, committed or married. And while many of those relationships are not something I personally aspire to have, Iím still lonely. I miss having someone to have a mimosa with or just to laugh.

I did online dating for 8 days last month before deleting my profile . I went out with 3 men (one was a former national news anchor :-). Like you, getting dates isnít the issue. Finding someone you truly click with is difficult.

Sorry to hijack. I just wanted to chime in that I DO understand. Hang in their!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/09/20 02:03 AM
Iíve had a rough past few days and just didnít have the energy to respond. But what wonderful feedback and support. The state of affairs, constantly working and cr@ppy things I was dealing with at work were just kicking my butt. I was just laying in my bed sobbing. My daughter saw me and asked me why I was crying and I said I just felt sad. And she payed with me and hugged me. I never really let that loose around her, but Iím human and it happened.

Itís a lot of change. And when things seemed hard before covid, itís even harder after . Itís not that I donít count my blessings or think that a relationship is the only way to happiness. Itís like that time in your life where you pretty much know why you married or partnered up . When the sh!t hits the fan and you need your ride or die...... and you realize you are all you got in this world. Itís tough.

But yes, I know I am strong. Iíve overcome and accomplished so much. I know Iím strong and I know I have been through the worst of the worst. But yeah, I wish I had that person to enjoy my mimosa with while the world blows up!!! I get the dates, but Iíve grown so much that not anyone would suffice. Iím not desperate for a partner. I could absolutely have one if I was desperate. But I refuse to settle. I even get frustrated about that sometimes!!

That being said. I did have my 3 rd first date since quarantine was over tonight. It almost didnít happen because of rain and we only have outdoor dining. But we took a chance, and he came out here and it ended up being a great date. The weather was nice , the outdoor service was awesome. And ...... drumroll....... I was attracted to him! Yay! And he was just a regular guy. Great relationship with his kids, his father and his siblings. Employed. Divorced 5 years. A gentleman funny. And such a Brooklyn accent, itís like home. He lives within walking distance of my dad and Iím going there this weekend and we will meet up. He gave me a nice kiss on the lips, like a regular kiss. Itís been a long time.

Iím just happy to know that part of me didnít die yet and I was afraid it did. . Iím looking forward to a second date.

Of course I would want a second date with the guy who lives in another state. But his dad lives in my state, and my dad is neighbor. And itís an one hour, 1.5 hour trip and he proved he is willing to make an effort

We shall see . No expectations. But it was nice coming out of a first date wanting a second
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/09/20 06:26 AM
Nice! A good first date. I like the plus column:
He was willing to travel to meet you.
Heís a little far but not so much as to be a serious problem.
Heís been divorced a sufficient amount of time.
Funny. Let me say that again, funny. That goes a long way in my book.
Brooklyn accent.
Family oriented.
Attraction was present.

That all sounds good. What does he do for a living?

Congrats on learning youíre not dead. More will be revealed as you get to know him, but sounds like a nice first date.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/09/20 11:27 AM
Thank you!

Definitely all positives. Heís an engineer with Verizon. Has remained employed through the pandemic. I believe he does well for himself .

We will see what the second date brings.

All green flags on the first date was nice.
Posted By: Cadet Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/09/20 05:28 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
D12 and I had a nice day together . That relationship is solid


THIS is the most important thing I read here

And I will warn as she becomes a teenager this will be harder and and harder.

As far as long distance romances. (um 100 miles between me and hero nurse)
they can work, just more work.

Love you girl - hang in there.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/09/20 06:30 PM
Cadet - how is hero nurse feeling? last i remember reading she had tested positive for covid frown
xoxoxo
Posted By: JujuB Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/09/20 08:11 PM
Brooklyn accents are plus signs?

Awesome date Ginger! You deserve a guy that makes an effort. You have been mentioning M lately and he never made effort (accept to do chores that allowed him to not interact). Have fun with it!
Posted By: Cadet Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/10/20 12:19 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Cadet - how is hero nurse feeling? last i remember reading she had tested positive for covid frown
xoxoxo

Yes - sorry for the hijack Ginger - she tested NEGATIVE for Covid but definitley has it with loss of taste/smell and many other symptoms. She even gave it to me, we are both over the worst of it but she still has lingering symptoms and has
not been allowed to return to work. The disease is not something I suggest to anyone, kind of like divorce I suppose.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/10/20 06:01 PM
Originally Posted by Cadet
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Cadet - how is hero nurse feeling? last i remember reading she had tested positive for covid frown
xoxoxo

Yes - sorry for the hijack Ginger - she tested NEGATIVE for Covid but definitley has it with loss of taste/smell and many other symptoms. She even gave it to me, we are both over the worst of it but she still has lingering symptoms and has
not been allowed to return to work. The disease is not something I suggest to anyone, kind of like divorce I suppose.

Def sorry for the hijack G ... Cadet wasn't sure how else to ask, although I suppose in retrospect I could have reported a post on my thread and asked you that way? I'm sorry to read that you both have it. Lots of rest is what my friends who've had it have said helped as well as being outside in the sun as much as possible (vit D Kml?) will keep you guys in my prayers

G - glad you're having a good dating experience ... careful though, covid cooties are a real thing. xoxoxo
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/11/20 01:03 PM
Going on a first date where you actually want a second?!: Sounds like the holy grail to me...lol. I hope, at the very least, it puts a smile on your face and reminds you that there are still some surprises in store for you. Reading about it gave me some hope...as my phone lights up to say I got a match on Tinder...lol. Anyways...sorry to hear you have been feeling down, my friend, but I do know 100% that some good things are in store for you. As everyone says...focus on the positive...I predict you will look back on this time in the future and just shake your head wondering how you could have ever doubted things wouldnít work out for you. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/11/20 01:08 PM
Well, so much for that. He completely flaked after. Guess it wasnít as good as I thought it was. Even though he gave me every green light, then he basically more or less ghosted me. Oh well. Iím going to go back to being dead inside.

This weekend Iím taking D and her friend to my dads for some beach action and a nice dinner. Sheís so excited

Cadet, you and your hero nurse are 2 very strong people. I hate that you both had to go through that. I know you are taking good care of her and yourself .
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/11/20 02:54 PM
Ginger. NOOOOOO!!! Oh man... I really HATE flaky guys. You deserve SO much better!!! And you will get it my friend!! I know you will. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/13/20 10:02 PM
Thanks dejavu. It was a bummer. Iím feeling mostly hopeless. Times are really rough for me over here. Iím considering returning to IC. I feel hopeless and depressed lately. Running a marathon with no end in sight. I know this year Jís been hard on everyone. But Iím getting beaten down.

My FB memories came up from our vacation last year. Iím sad. Iím just so sad it didnít work out. I remember when that little boy told me on vacation that I could be his bonus mom and he came over and gave me the biggest hug. I am going back there a lot, I know, but I just think I might never get over it fully. I think I knew it was my last chance at the ďfamilyĒ I never had. It was hard to lose.

It was a nice weekend though. The kids had a ball, Iím burnt and tan and I ate good food and had some good drinks. Insocialized with my dads friends who are very nice. I of course, the only non couple at the table aside from the kids. I was very happy to see my daughter happy, but deep deep down, there is just this awful emptiness. My daughter fills my heart up for sure , and sheís the reason I go on breathing...... but that deep pit of pain wonít go away.

Iím going to take steps to feeling better. I just donít know what they are yet
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/15/20 02:14 PM
(((Ginger))). So sorry you are feeling so down these days my friend. Please, please, please try to keep the faith. I fully believe there is a great guy out there looking for you...you just have to go through a lot of wrong ones before you find him unfortunately. I watch a lot of dating and life advice on YouTube...Matthew Hussey being my favourite. I especially watch them when I have had a disappointing date or it seems like there are no decent guys on the horizon. It is a great way to build yourself back up and also have things put back into perspective. Iím like you. I feel like I do pretty well on my own but do long for connection with that special someone. Has to be special though... I donít want to settle.

Iím not sure how you are approaching OLD but one of the best advice I received is to not be super picky at the beginning stages. In other words, donít just swipe right on people who look like 10ís (to you) but start swiping on 7ís. We eliminate people for the stupidest reasons. I donít like his ears or his teeth are a bit crooked or his moustache is too big, etc... The thing is, we all know people in our lives who we might have swiped left on if we saw them on a dating app but who we love regardless. Like my sister said to me... ďHey...my hubby doesnít have ďgreatĒ teeth.Ē My response, ďYeah, but heís BIL and I donít even notice because I love him.ď Exactly!! Like Matthew said in one of his videos... we all have had the experience when weíve gone out with a 10 and watched them turn into a 6 or a 7 after spending time with them and a 7 who becomes a 10 because of how they are when we are with them. So...with that advice in mind, Iíve been swiping right on 7ís and the result has been crazy. Not that Iíve found the guy yet but I sure have be in contact with a lot more than I would have had I not done that. Iíve had at least one or two dates a week since. Havenít found my guy yet but Iím not worried. Iím enjoying the experience and any date I go on is a chance to practice my dating and communication skills...including being direct with someone about whether or not you want to see them again...I find that part the hardest, tbh.

Anyway...if you find yourself spiralling a bit, DEFINITELY go back to IC. At the very least, it will give you the opportunity to unpack some of the feelings youíve been
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/15/20 02:21 PM
Oops...hit the button prematurely and it wouldnít let me edit.

...carrying around with you. This has been an incredibly stressful time for people and especially those of you in the areas hardest hit who are working on the front line. Some extra support at this time would do you some good, I think.

Sending you big (((HUGS))) from across the miles my friend. Hang in there. You will end up where you want to be one day and look back on this time and wonder why you ever doubted it. You will also realize that you had to go through everything you went through so that you could end up exactly where you are supposed to be. With that in mind, do your very best to embrace and celebrate where you are at now. Be present. Be okay with feeling happy and with feeling sad. It is all a part of living and be grateful for it because you ARE alive and you get to make choices for yourself. xo
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/15/20 04:36 PM
Yeah DV you're so right. My ex wasn't my "type" at all and I probably wouldn't have picked him if online dating was a thing. I wasn't interested when I first met him because he looked like every dumb surfer stereotype, blond and blue eyes (not my thing, I'm sure others would love his blue eyes but they were never a selling point for me). Yet he became very attractive to me as our relationship grew. (Ok, he turned out to be a mistake in the long run, but I'm just referring to physical attraction here).
Posted By: Traveler Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/17/20 06:29 PM
Hi Ginger,

Oof. It's hard when a first date seems to go well. I bet the distance was a factor. smirk

You found an almost-connection after 3 first dates! Your logical side has to know your odds are really good by the time you've had 3, 6, 12 dates.. even if emotionally almost-connections can be rough.

Originally Posted by Ginger
Iím going to take steps to feeling better. I just donít know what they are yet

I bet you will. You inspired me to realize that I could be happy on a day or weekend completely alone.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/17/20 09:09 PM
Hey DJ!

Excellent questions and advice. Iíve been at this OLD way too long. I try not to rule out people over petty stuff. I donít need a perfect guy, perfect looking, etc. because I am non of the above myself. But important stuff for me is that if you are a father, you are an involved father. Employed is pretty essential for me. And not a whole bunch of baggage you just arenít carrying well. I probably swipe from a 6 up. And I do get lots of responses. Iím not what I used to be physically, but neither are these guys, lol. I legit have no clue what went on in that guys head, but whatever.

Itís exhausting . I have 10 days without my kid and I have no dates lined up. I kind of quit. Iím burnt out of first dates . And I surely wonít be paying like again. Iím just worn out, but I refuse to settle. I just canít.

Maybe it really is true. My time isnít until my daughter leaves for college. I get so much anxiety now anyways trying to figure out when I actually have free time to go out on the date. Aside from these 10 days to myself, I rarely get time for myself.

Last night I had dinner with a friend, and it was awesome. Next Thursday I have plans with coworkers, and Friday, plans with another friend. It helps a lot to have some social interaction.

I just get said when I realize all I have is me. But I realize this is also by choice. And when I say by choice, I chose not to continue dating people who are not good matches.

Iím sad. D12 is leaving me for 10 days on Tuesday. Longest I ever went without her.

Oh, and yesterday I had a surprise delivery from a friend that sent me a 12 pack of craft beer form a local brewery. It seriously warmed up my heart so much, I was again reminded I am not dead inside yet
Posted By: uRworthy Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/18/20 01:47 PM
Hey sweetie....miss you.

I think him being an hour and a half away with children wouldn't have worked for either of you. Been there, done that...it was difficult over time. He should have said something to you regardless but people are who they are and unfortunately, I am finding, many aren't very considerate.

I get what you are feeling. I do. Little family, friends coupled up...been there too, and it was not fun. And you have been for a long time. I'm sorry you are feeling sad.

Remember I told you that I think you should change things up? If you keep doing the same things, you get the same results. I also think that what you show the world reflects back to you. And I could feel how much you want a relationship all the way over here. I get that, too. It is nice to share your life with someone.

And while you may think you are not wearing that on you, you are. It is in subtle ways for sure. How can you not be? You are depressed, lonely, sad. That shows. Trust me...i have been and still am most of those things and people know it as much as I try to hide it.

I could tell you that you have a lot of great things in your life and that is true...great daughter, career, you own your own home, you are beautiful inside and out, funny as hel1, wonderful personality, etc. And all of that is amazing, but, I know that one thing you really want is a healthy, connected relationship.

So, what is one thing you can do differently that you haven't tried? Have you tried joining groups doing things you enjoy? I know that is hard now during a pandemic but wont always be. Have you tried changing your mindset and to really embrace all you have and understand that you can have a great life without someone? Because it is usually when you begin to accept that fully that someone walks into your life.

I so want you to be joy filled, my friend. You are in my prayers always.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/19/20 12:32 AM
UR, Ive been thinking a lot about your post. Iím going to get to it. I miss you.

However, something happened and I am freaking out. Something I dearly did not want to happen. My friends are unavailable, and I just need to put this somewhere

D13 and I went to dinner and went for ice cream afterwards. We get out of the car and I see M, his son, 2 women I think, and 2 or 3 little girls about his sons age outside the place eating ice cream. I quickly tell D 12 to get back in the car and we left. She saw them too and didnít want to see them either.

Talk about getting kicked when you are down. I feel sick. I had him blocked all over the place. Because I knew I couldnít handle seeing him and his son with another woman and children . I mean they could have been friends, but I doubt it.
D12 says ďdoes he have a whole new family?!?Ē

I seriously just feel so much pain right now itís unbearable. I just knew I could never handle seeing that. I feel like someone put a knife directly in my heart. Dramatic, I know, but right in my life was not the time to see that.

And I got to go on tonight not showing too much pain in front of her.

Wow. The universe hates me .
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/19/20 12:40 AM
There is a possibility that was his cousin and her kid. Itís the house he moved into when his house burnt down

Iím just going to tell myself that.

But god. It was so hard seeing the two of them
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/19/20 03:14 AM
(((G))). I as so sorry that happened to you. Really rough, Iím sure... especially when it is just out of the blue like that. Not sure what I can say to you except to say that the best advice I ever heard was never to grieve for someone who walked out of your life as if he was ďthe oneĒ....because If he was, he would not have walked out. M was not the one. You loved what he represented...you loved the potential...you loved the future you thought you would have. He represented stability, validation, and an ability to have control over your future. That is really what you want...what he represented. Step back and realize that he is NOT those things and he never was. The good news is that you are free to find the person that is...and he is out there...I know he is. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/19/20 12:56 PM
Iím so sorry, G. I donít even know what else to say. I agree with what DV said, though. ((((G))))
Posted By: uRworthy Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/19/20 02:29 PM
Hi sweetie. I am sorry you were upset by seeing M. I get it. I really do. It is disconcerting regardless of whether he was the one for you. The fact is that you had feelings for him and his boy and it hurt you to see him. I also think that the way things ended also has a lot to do with it. He never fully explained. He was kind of leading you to believe that he was in.

So, sit with the feelings a little while and then let them wash over you. Because you know that there wasnt really a future
with him...as much as there was the idea of it.

I am sorry you are struggling so much. I am going through some myself. But you are a strong, wonderful woman and you will get through it all as you always do.

Still want you to think about doing something different somehow in your life...change it up some...movement forward sometimes brings exactly what we want....now i have to take my own advice... smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/19/20 04:37 PM
Thank you guys. It was really a shock and a swift kick in the guy. I just was not expecting that all. I was just expecting some ice cream with my D on a brutally hot day.

However, you guys are right. I got over the pain I felt yesterday pretty fast. I feel fine today. I think maybe it was the closure I was looking for. Itís over, itís in the past and he was not the ONE. Sure, I miss his son and his family but I know I was never going to be a priority in his life and his life was always going to be way more important and harder in his mind . I was never going to be who I wanted to be with him. And that was someone who placed high value on me as I placed on him.

I really think Iím fully over it now.

As for trying something different. I feel like Iíve tried everything different . Iíve tried not caring. Not looking. And itís not that Iíve just tried it, it was really where I was at. Iíve tried to get out more. I was exploring meetup groups, but now they donít meet up anymore. There is a hiking one I was interested in and seems to have resumed, but I can barely walk and most likely need a procedure on my foot. My exercise gym time is gone. Hanging out much with my friends is gone. And when you do go out, you are in your private groups, there is no mingling anymore. This pandemic has made it way more difficult than it already was.

Iím trying to just accept
1) this is it. What I am looking for is not meant for me.
2) maybe my time isnít until D12 graduates high school and I could high tail it out of here . Iíll be living a little more for me, only needing to work one job , etc.

There no way to meet people and I canít even really see my friends. Itís sad.

I am open to any and all suggestions. Itís a catch 22. Everything is a catch 22. You want something badly, but you have to appear to not want it, but you canít fake it, because apparently people read it. You want to not want it, but when itís deep in your soul, itís kind of impossible not to.

So then there just comes acceptance you canít have it. And what to do from there. Iím grateful for the healthy child, the career and home. Sometimes you just want to share this life with someone. I just want to share my Life and accomplishments with someone. Itís lonely not to. I probably yearn for it more than others because I never really got the chance to.

But again. Accepting itís not meant for me, or itís not meant for me now and probably a long time is just something Iíve got to do.

D12 is leaving tomorrow for a long time. In the time she is gone, I got an 8 day stretch of work ( this has got to stop!) and the. She comes home. Iíve got 2 social plans this week Iím really looking forward to ( off Thursday and Friday) and a haircut which might be a drastic change. I need something to spice it up over here.

Iím trying. Iím really really trying. Maybe unexpectedly seeing them was what I needed to catapult me forward
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/20/20 03:52 AM
Awww...Ginger...I just want to give you a big hug!!! I can so relate to what you are saying. Iíve thought all of those things...and I probably will again. Of course, I am 52 so I think the pickings are even slimmer in my age group. I think you just have to keep keeping on. Do you watch any YouTube videos on dating, etc...? I have watched a TON and I find them very helpful. In particular the ones by Matthew H who never fails to lift me up when Iím feeling down. There is a reason he has over two million followers. Remember...you may feel like things are never going to change but those are just your worst thoughts. Of course they are going to change. Change is constant. Donít give up...just open yourself up to the possibilities that life can offer and take advantage of any opportunity to get out in the world. Sending you great big (((HUGS))) from across the miles!!! xoxoxo
Posted By: DnJ Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/20/20 11:43 AM
Good Morning Ginger

Quote
Wow. The universe hates helped me .

The temporary pain propels us forward to healthy and healed.

Without this chance meeting, while on an ice cream run, youíd have missed this opportunity to grow.

Undoubtedly, if this were to happen again, it would play out different, you and D would be eating ice cream at its conclusion.

Have faith. Fate is smiling upon you.

D
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/21/20 09:32 PM
Hey DNj, thanks for stopping by! I do agree. I know he has been on my mind more and more lately because it's been a year since our vacation and our breakup. ANd maybe I just needed to see him, even from a distance to just get past him. Seeing his son made me tear up, I couldn't have handled seeing him without crying. ANd I don't know what he told him about the end of our R. The kiddo came home from vacation to find out I was gone, his dog was gone and his house went up in flames. But M was not the right one for me and truly his loss.

So, My D left arrived in Myrtle beach ofr vacation for like 11 days with her dad, his wife, and her grandmother. I wasn't happy about her gettng on a plane to a hot spot. I had expressed my discomfort in front of her, but basically just warned her to use proper precautions and don't get lazy about it. The truth is I don't have a say in it. It's tough not to. I had made like a grunt about it when my dad dropped off mY D last weekend and he goes on a rant to her about how dangerous it is and how she is going ot have quarantine for 2 weeks when she gets home and how she is old enough now to make a decision not to go. My D burst into tears and was really upset and she said her father would never put her in danger. I spoke to my dad about it a day or 2 later. I told him she isn't old enough to make an adult decision, so please don't put that decision on her and tell her she could make a choice. He of course disagrees with me and says she is very smart and is capable of making that decision. I told him even if she is capable, that pressure should not be on a 12 year old. He of course continues to disagree and speak of how he doesn't just want ot be a fun grandparent and he wants to guide her and blah blahblah but he said he will respect my decision, but doesn't agree with me. Which still P'd me off. Because he is wrong in this!!!!! lol. He of course didn't apologize to me, got angry with me, but the next day called my D to apologize for upsetting her. But he's not talking to me. ANd I refuse to reach out. The man never apologizes to me. I guess it's been a while since me and my dad got into one of our tiffs. I know he means well, but come on. It is not easy for me to not have a choice in many decisions in my daughters life. But how to handle it with her I have a decision on.

ANyways, she's down there having fun. SHe's given me the FT tour and a few phone calls already. I miss her. I come home to an empty house its a little difficult. I began exercising again in my house with resistance bands and med balls since my foot is no good. Cook some meals. DO any busy work around the house. I have plans thrusday and friday, then I'm working until she gets home.

Things continue to be on the rough side, but ill muscle through
Posted By: DnJ Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/23/20 11:24 AM
Good Morning Ginger

Breaking up is a difficult thing. The chance meeting did what it should and helped you push passed it.

Wow, sun and fun for 11 days. Hope D12 has a great time.

Itís unfortunate your Dadís concern and love came out expressed like it did. D12 is smart, and she is twelve. You are correct let her be twelve. She doesnít need to, nor is capable of, making those type of responsible decisions. This pandemic lifestyle is pretty new and even adults have difficulty figuring out and adjusting to the emotional pressures and stresses of risk, isolation, and so on.

I take it from your comment of you had no say in it if D12 goes, that there is no legal restrictions preventing such a trip.

Take a cue from D12ís tear-filled comment that her father would never put her in danger. You wisely know itís not your job to make a relationship between Dad and daughter, itís your job to not damage their relationship. And I do believe your unapologetic Dad overstepped a bit, straying into territory he should not be directly involved in.

Iím glad she is down there and having a fun time. Nice to see she gave you a tour of the place. smile

D
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/23/20 04:13 PM
Your dad gets anxious and doesn't express his concern well. I wouldn't be happy about a kid of mine flying anywhere right now either but it isn't something you can control so you wisely let go of that.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/24/20 02:13 AM
I definitely had no say in the trip. And Iím not thrilled. What he did makes it easier on none of us.


I just wish that man would freakiní apologize . He never ever does. And get this. My stepmother is estranged form her sister . They havenít had a relationship in many years due to a very implicated falling out. They decided to try again. And we are all having dinner next wedneaday. My dad better reach out before then. It would make an already awkward situation awkward. My dads wife wants me there for support, so I will be there

I got my haircut today and I hate it. Looks nothing like the picture I showed and all my hair is gone and I feel ugly and sad. 40 is not working for me. I know itís just hit and it will grow back, but I was going I would come out loving it. I can barely look at myself right now.

I have also been legally divorced for 11 years today. Iíll never forget that day. Weeping in a courtroom all alone. No one there with me. My ex and his lawyer who attended our wedding . I just couldnít stop crying in court.

But here I am now. My daughter is away with them on a family vacation, and here I am with some ugly hair, lol.

Seriously though, my life is infinitely better. Now what I imagined, but where I need to be I guess ,
Posted By: DnJ Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/27/20 11:48 AM
Good Morning Ginger

Any word from Dad? Iím guessing an apology hasnít come.

Go to the super and enjoy yourself. Do not go with the intent of it being awkward, for you will unknowingly make it so. Go with the intent to have a good time. Sometimes, most times, the mindset we carry into a situation or event has a tremendous impact.

Sorry, your hairdo isnít what you were looking for. At times, everything just seems to pile on, doesnít it? Good thing youíre a strong gal.

Itís Monday, a fresh week, and full of possibilities. Stand tall and hold your head high, youíve been through what most people barely scratch the surface of. And you came out shining. Be the diamond you are.

D
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/27/20 01:09 PM
I agree with DnJ...as usual. Be the diamond you are Ginger. Things will change. You just have to have faith and keep your spirits up. Focus on the day-to-day blessings and joys...they are there if you look hard enough. Soak up your interactions with others...even if you wouldnít want to date them.

You have to dig deep my friend. Find that inner light and let it shine. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/28/20 02:04 AM
Thank you guys for cheering me on:)

My dad did call this weekend. He did not apologize, he just acted like nothing happened. And thatís an apology for my dad, sadly enough. Wednesday should be fine, Iím going to enjoy a nice dinner. Iím the one to diffuse the awkwardness because I am good with awkwardness and making things calm and funny. Iím bad with awkwardness around me. I find attractive, lol.

My hair is getting a little better, it got the true test drive today and I got a lot of genuine comments.
The consensus seems to be its ďcute and adorableĒ I think I lost my edge.

Iím missing my daughter horribly. This is just too long. I canít wait until she comes home. Iím keeping busy with stuff around the house, but itís so dam hot here I canít even really get out to my yard even. Our census is really low so they want some of us to take PTO and since I have a good amount t, Iím taking Tuesday and Wednesday. I generally donít like to take it when D12 isnít around, but I have the opportunity, so Iím going to jump in it. Tomorrow Iím getting my nails done. Wednesday I might take myself to the beach or do SUP lessons. Havenít decided yet. But something for me !
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 07/29/20 05:05 AM
Thatís the ticket Ginger!!! Way to rebound and find some positives in what feels like a sea of negatives. Life is 5% what happens to you and 95% what you do about it. SUP lessons sounds like a great idea, IMO. I hope you have a fantastic day and the instructor is a super cute available guy. laugh. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/02/20 02:36 AM
I donít know that I have the mental fortitude to really properly construct this list, but I need an outlet . Lots of things going on lately. Iíll skip the details of my love life or lack thereof for now. There is stuff to say, but not important right now.

My D came home from vacation today. She came back to my house right before I got home from work. In Italy it was a great first hour and a half. Then I realized she was sniffling and it turned out she was crying. She was on and off in hysterics for hours because coming off so much time and fun with her dad left her missing him. She says she missed me so much when I was gone, but misses her dad so much when sheís home and itís just not fair, because she never gets to spend a lot of time with him. I validated and I hugged her and I went tot he bathroom to cry.

I did ask her if she wants me to talk to her dad about spending more time there. At first she said no because she does t want less time with me. Then later on she said yes. She wants me to ask him to take more time. It breaks my heart, kills me, and I donít want to do it. But I would for her

I canít bear to see my baby hurt. That hurts me. And I hurt for myself because I was so happy to see her and so happy to have her home and I spent my whole night consoling her while that dick head has not a care in the world. And I have to give up time with her. And heís going to feel like king dad because of it all.

I canít give her the vacations. I canít give her the getaway family experience. I can only give her love and stability and a true home.

I am so angry. I am just so so angry. I am sick of being the better person. I want to tell him he is a POS. I want to tell his wife the same. I want to tell D12, sheís right, heís a Cheater. I want them to go to he ll

But I would never do any of that. Because I actually do throw myself in front of a bus for my child. And trust me, I feel like Iím being hit by one. I feel the pain of it . And doing this alone emotionally is so difficult. Itís wearing me down to the bone. I feel so helpless. And quite frankly, as cheesy as it sounds I need someone to just hug me so tight and let me sob. But nope, i donít get that either.

I realized I was drinking way too much. Never got drunk but my one to two glasses of wine a night because 2-3. And I know itís not healthy for me, itís also empty calories. But I realized it was taking the edge off just a little for me since I decided to stop. Only going to enjoy out or socially for a little while. I havenít had a drink in 3 days. And Iíve been fine, up until now. I realize I want to reach for SOMETHING for comfort. And Iíve got nothing. My exercise is fine because I canít even walk. Iím really trying to watch what I eat. All my coping mechanisms are gone. So it stinks a little extra

Thanks for listening .
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/02/20 03:46 AM
Aww, sweetie, that [censored]. But youíre an awesome mom.

Is she getting her period yet? Could there be a little PMS component to her outburst as well? Just a thought.

Maybe meditation would be good for you?

(Also - just a little escapism - I watched a funny movie on Prime the other night. All Nighter - if you havenít seen it, itís a good laugh.)

(((Hug)))
Posted By: DnJ Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/02/20 04:48 AM
Hello Ginger

Of course youíd do anything for D12.

Wait a bit before reaching out to XH about more time on daughterís behalf. Let her feelings find their balance again. She is a little stirred up after the trip. Confer with her in a few days or week to see how sure she still is. And go from there.

Perhaps, if she still wants to spend more time, encourage her to talk to Dad herself. You support her, and she can speak with Dad.

Good job on your decision regarding the wine.

You got this, girl.

D
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/02/20 05:27 AM
I second what DnJ says Ginger. Let D12ís feelings even out a bit. I would also have her talk to her dad with your support. At this age, her relationship with her dad is something that should be negotiated between them and then he can work out the logistics with you.

I get the anger. I really do. Being the better person all of the time is hard...and exhausting...but itís the right thing to do...for your D12 and for you as well. Get a good nightís sleep and do something kind for yourself. Things will seem a bit better in the morning. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: bttrfly Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/02/20 04:49 PM
my son would come home from a week with his dad, lock himself in his room and stay there for hours. his preferred coping skill was sleep, however he could attain it. He needed the alone time to re-calibrate. She probably does too.

yeah, dolly it is no fun being the better person. i hear that! i'm sorry you're both going through this. listen to the wise folks who posted between our posts. xoxoxo

serenity prayer is a good coping tool ...
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/02/20 08:18 PM
Today has been much better thankfully. No crying, good mood, didnít bring it up once. We have been through this before after a vacation. And she has never really had me follow through on more dad time. I would never deprive her. Now that he pretty much doesnít work, she stays at extra night at times and gets to see him much earlier on her days with him.

She does have her period presently. She got her first in March, and she gets it every 2-3 weeks and she has it right now. You can imagine how often we have the hormones raging here with an every 2-3 week cycle.

Everything seems back to normal for the most part for her. We are watching the babysitters club together, doing our project together, and making cinnamon buns tonight. Tomorrow Iím off too and we will do the same sort of stuff. Sheís kind of quarantined right now, so we are low key. But she does like to be home, so thatís a plus.

The week after this Iím off and we are going to my dads a few days and might rent a boat or jet skis. So that will be fun for her. And me. Something to look forward to.

Iím really emotionally exhausted. My 40ís blow so far. But Iím sure this too shall pass

Thank you everyone
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/02/20 08:39 PM
Yes it will pass. 2020 seems interminable but eventually all this will pass. Try to smell the roses every day.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/03/20 06:49 PM
IN the last 24 hours, the hits have kept on coming. D12 and i did have a good day, but she brought it up again and wanted to to talk to her dad about the extra day. I texted him and he agreed "as long as it isn't on one of the days she is in school in person" This angered me and got some emotions flowing and my tears came out in front of her. I'm usually very good at sheilding her from my reactions and emotions, but i couldn't, She started crying and hounded me as to why I was upset and if I was mad she wanted to spend more time at her dads and i assured her it wasn't. Well, I finally gave her an ounce of truth, even though it didnt color her dad in the best light. I explained ot her that since birth I changed my job many times so that I could be there for her and be her primary care giver. I did whatever it took to make it work and i don't regret for a second because I love being her mom. HOever, her dad didn't have to sacrifice a thing. He lives his life and took what was convienient to him and that is difficult for me. I told her her father loves her and takes good care of her, but it was always mom who went out of her way to make it work, even when it wasn't convienient. She understood where I was coming from and she asked me if dad every apologized. I told her her dad has never apologized for anything and I don't believe he was sorry for it, so he felt there was no apology needed. ANd I said, I just wanted the appreciation for my sacrifices, not the apology. She said maybe his way of showing it now is doing stuff for you life he does. I agreed, that may be his way of showing his appreciation. I said I was just sad to have less time after all these years but i am happy she is finally getting what she has wished for for so long.

I don't want to give up time with her. And I am p*ssed that he has only been willing to since she is pretty self sufficient and its so easy now. Maybe i shouldn't have shared my feelings with her, but she is getting older and I don't think I did any harm. She needs to see and hear some truth. My heart hurts over it though.

Then today I found out that M is indeed single. How did I find out about that? ON the platform where we met, Bumble. He has put his profile back, and updated it. He used a picture he took for me personally at his borther's wedding when I told him I wanted to see him in his tux. It's on my camera role. The big shocker? He said he wants more kids. He didn't when I was with him. ANd he was very heavily against marriage.

It was really hard to see. It's irrational, but to see his dating profile kicked me in the gut, lso when I thought when he might be in an R, that kicked me in the gut. I guess knowing anything about his life kicks me in the gut. and it's been a year. I have no idea why. Maybe because I am emotional lately.

I don't know why all of this is happening at once. It feels like a test. How much can I take before I break? I have had this test many times before and I always pass. I don't need it. I am just trying ot live my life over here.

And no worries, I did swipe left.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/03/20 07:16 PM
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time, G. I think you did right in being honest with D12. She is getting older and naturally more aware and inquisitive so I don't think that you did anything wrong in telling her the truth. You didn't call her dad names or anything, just matter of factly explained the situation. Still I am sure it wasn't easy for you to say or her to hear, but I think it was probably a good thing. You are a great mom and your D knows it and she will forever be grateful and you all will always have a strong relationship. You may not see it until she is a parent herself, but I guarantee you she will parent by the example you have laid out for her. wink

As far as M, I'm sorry you felt kicked in the gut. Good for you swiping left! I think all of the stuff you mentioned (the tux pic, wanting kids) are just his way of trying to put his best foot forward. What you should remember, though, is that you saw the REAL M. The one who couldn't/wouldn't commit, who valued his own time and preferences over yours, who was more than just a casual, occasional toker. While that isn't coming out in his profile (and of course it isn't, because who would own up to sh!t like that in a dating profile????), some sucker is going to fall for that and then get the same version of M that you did. I understand the kick in the gut and I am so sorry you are feeling it, particularly on top of everything else.

Hang in there, G. If we weren't a hot spot right now, I would tell you to pack your bags and head south for a few days and just hang out. Try to relax and do something fun/nice for yourself. I'd send you some happy mail if I knew your address. wink
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/03/20 09:17 PM
Thanks dawn. You are so so very right. Heís putting his best foot forward for sure to attract women in. He called himself generous ( ha!) wanting an R and more kids. Little does anyone know he smokes pot around the clock, itís more important than the relationships in his life, his ex wife hates him and they canít even exchange a word and exchange their kid at the police station.

Not many women are patient, kind and understanding with these things. And I loved his son like my own. Good luck finding someone close.

And my daughter absolutely needs some truth in her life. I never bad mouth him, but she is curious, she smart, and she knows more than I care to imagine.
Life is kicking my butt lately. When this whole COVID slows down. Iíll take you up on that offer
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/04/20 12:42 AM
.....in addition to all of the above.....

Heís not the first blast from my past to come across my path on bumble. My best friends husbands good friend who I was talking to and went on a date with like 8 years ago popped up. We have kept in touch since, we always comment on each others dating profiles when we cross paths. This time, it turned into a date. Which wasnít bad. I had to cancel my second because D 12 came home early. Our issue in the past was he wanted a wife and kids of his own and his own family, and no someone elseís. Well, heís 47 now, never married and never had kids. But I still donít think itís going to work. I had to ask my self a few times if I even considered this because I was lonely. And I still donít know the answer. Then I came across that lying coworker of y cousins that we had some dates and sex with. I swiped right to see if he did, I was curious. And he did. But I didnít message. Apparently heís ready for a relationship now. My past has been in my face on bumble. I should probably get off.

And this is really embarrassing. But I have a huge crush on my married coworker. And even worse his wife works there too! We have a chemistry and a banter and we just mesh so well. His most attractive qualities are that he is a dedicated family man and took his wifeís 3 sons as his own. He also just got the Florence nightingale award at work , and that should just speak to his character. Heís so funny, we have the same personality, and just click. The worst? My coworker always tell me ďif he wasnít married, you guys would make the cutest coupleĒ and they have no clue how I feel about him. Iíd never act on it, he would never act on it, but it has shown me that none of these other guys are the ones for me. They donít get me excited, make me want to look good, make me stumble over my words a bit..... no one has made me feel like that in ages. No guys even seem to try anymore. I know having butterflies is for kids or having a man really be into your is maybe ďunrealisticĒ but I really really want to experience that again. With an available man. No man has tried to ďwooĒ me in a long time and just mesh with me so well in ages. Is it ridiculous to want that again? Am I acting like a naive kid? I donít know.

I donít know about much anymore. Man, Iím in such a weird place
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/04/20 01:55 AM
I donít think that is naive or ridiculous G. I had the same question TBH. Iíve been on a ton of first dates and have not been excited about seeing anyone a second time. Not even sure how Jack and I ended up dating because I wasnít particularly excited about him either...he just wasnít a ďhard noĒ like the others have been. Facebook guy was the other one who wasnít a hard no but now that I saw him again a month ago, I know for sure he is only meant to be a friend. Now I have TDH who I am excited about and who does make my heart skip a beat. Of course I havenít met him in person but if he is only 50% as handsome IRL as he is in his pictures, I am probably a goner. Anyway...excitement for a potential BF is a must for me...it doesnít have to be over the top, crazy but there just has to be some kind of a spark. If I donít have that, what would be the point of dating someone? I know you are going through a hard time right now but I encourage you not to give up and think about settling.

RE: your coworker. This is dangerous territory. Not because I think you would have an affair but because it could lead you down a path of unrequited love that could set you back. IDK Ginger. The more posts I read of yours, the more concerned I get about you because I feel like you are focusing on the wrong things and it is just getting you in more of a funk. Maybe it is time to see an IC for a bit to help you sort some of these things out? Just an idea. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: JujuB Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/04/20 03:00 AM
God - I guess itís not just me that Covid is bringing out dads doing a bit more parenting cause they donít have to go to work - and then the kids are left confused. Ginger - word for word what is happening with my son. Ex spent more time with him while I worked and now son is crying About wanting more time with his dad. Son Is older and easier now, ex has all these friends with kids and is suddenly waking up early and doing fun things with my son and new gf.... I gave up a lot of money in retirement to watch my son when he was younger. So this is tough watching. But Iím also glad for the help and that son gets more dad time. But worried too.

Iím banking on people donít change. My Ex wonít wake up early with new girl forever. Maybe another year. And M. Is gonna continue to avoid intimacy by doing chores for whoever he ends up with. itís not gonna be easy for M. He was so lucky you gave him a chance and You are so lucky to be rid of him. Heís an avoidant incapable of love and a lot like my ex. I hate hearing you remiss about him because he Just is so unworthy of you. Seriously.
Posted By: DonH Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/04/20 06:19 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I donít know about much anymore. Man, Iím in such a weird place

I've been there. In fact, I've been through much of what you are reporting. In fact, I've talked about it here for a long time. It took years for me to figure out and come to my conclusion. While it started about 5 years in life after where you currently are, you seem to now be experiencing much of what I have. It can make you crazy. That's why I had to adjust me. Can't change what is, all I could do is accept it and try to deal as best I could. I've said much of this here before over the years. Many refute some of my points. Yet here we are.

- OLD is the Land of Misfit Toys. It just is. You have seen this yourself over and over now. And now, like me, you are seeing the same people start to pop back up. It's like a revolving door. Never any absolutes. There are some quality people on OLD, it's not all misfits. But the quality people either find someone and move on or discover it's the land of misfit toys, quickly see it's not for them and they get away and never return.

- The quality people are taken. Like the married guy you just talked about. Same thing happens to me all the time. The people not attached are often not attached for a reason, have tried OLD for years, went through many guys, or not dated at all. Many are happily married and have been for a long time. I talked about a woman I met early this year right before the world turned upside down. I'd date her in a minute. She's married, happily for coming up on 25 years.

- the older people get, the less they want the full R that you do. Seems like this is more a guy thing than women but I totally see it and am living it. It would be nice to get "the fairytale" but it's often not realistic.

I don't have the answer. I do know M is not it and never was. At least knowing what doesn't work is a step in the right direction. There are good guys out there. They are just way harder to find than years ago - for all of the reasons I just listed. Those who remain, are out on the market for a reason. I know you feel that OLD is your only option. But is it? And is it really a good option if even the only option? Yeah, it's better than nothing I guess. But I think you want better than nothing. OLD is full of guys like M.

As to your ex and D. Wow, I've seen this too over and over and over. I lived it with my ex W and step kids. Same deal, if it was easy for him, he did it. He'd often pick them up late on Friday and drop them off early Sunday - well before the 6 PM time. He had Thursdays as well but skipped them 90% of the time. Right up until the kids got bigger. And when the oldest got her drivers license - it was a full court press to get them half time (likely so he didn't have to pay child support). I see the same thing with friends. It's worse when the mother is really a quality person and cares mostly about her kids. She puts herself last and puts the kids first while dad puts himself first and takes advantage of it all. The more she does, the more she sacrifices, the less he has to. If she doesn't give in, yes the child may suffer. It's a terrible place to be. You are doing right by D but yes it's at your sacrifice. Again, not fair.

As for talking with D about it. I too think it's good that you did - in the way you did. If only you could impart the wisdom to the rest of the world how important it is to chose the right guy. All of this gets avoided if the right partner is chosen. Sadly, in our 20s we often don't chose well. Some get pregnant and think it's best to get married and try to make it work. (My ex did this). Knowing what you know now, you'd never pick a guy like ex H - at least I sure hope that's the case. You can't teach the world about this but you can teach your D. She should learn how important the decision off a life partner is because unless there are no children, it really is for life. D doesn't end it. I certainly would not bad mouth or certainly not alienate but simple truths she likely is going to figure out sooner or later on her own. A good R with her dad really is best for her - and you know that. That's why even though it hurts you, you are doing what is best for D. That's what makes you a great mom.

I don't know what's best for you. For me I had to step away. I've met more quality people off-line. Yes there are less to chose from. But they can't near as easily hide who they are. It's not as much of a game. It's less pain for me. As a whole I feel much better about life and about myself. And all that is going on in the world does not help. I'm more than frustrated enough with all of that - I don't need the added frustration of dating strangers. But again, that works for me. It may not for you. I'm just more worried about you finding someone as I think the place you are in right now would make you too susceptible to accepting another M. I really fear you are in a "better than nothing" space. It might bring you some short-term happiness, but long-term it's not likely to.

We can't stay stuck in this bad cycle forever. Just ride it out for awhile. Bubble is not the answer.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/06/20 08:19 PM
I have to say that I second Don's very last statement....Bumble is not the answer. Go with me here for a sec, G. First of all, as Sparky and I are fond of saying in our house, you are a grown a$$ woman, so I'm not trying to tell you what is best for you or what you need or anything, but what if getting on those dating apps like Bumble is actually adding to your recent negative space you have been in. I'm not even suggesting that it is a conscious thing on your part, but maybe it is just tough to see those same old recycled people (like M) and know that you deserve better then you kind of get drug down into a more negative place. You are this amazing, attractive, independent, strong woman with SO much to offer a man. Let's face it, though, most (certainly not all since I actually found Sparky OLD) men on OLD are probably not the cream of the crop, but YOU are. Sure, with the global pandemic and this whole d@mn world being crazy right now, meeting people organically is tough, but I really think that is your best bet because you would shine in that arena. Your true self would come through and it would be hard for guys to not be drawn to you. On the computer, it is hard to tell what is genuine and what is for show, if that makes sense and I'm not saying you are doing anything for show, but you know men do it, so one would assume that men assume women do it too. Does that even make sense? I'm trying to be helpful here! LOL

((((((((((((((((((G)))))))))))))))))))))) Girl, just go do you and have fun and treat yourself to something nice. I don't know how you feel about westerns and cowboys, but I have discovered the show "Yellowstone" and, girl, if I was single, I would spend ALL my spare time fantasizing about the lead ranch hand, Rip...ÖÖÖ..mmmmmmmmmmm. May not be your thing, but if it is, give it a try, because girl, that man (not sure of the actor's name) fills out a pair of Wranglers in ALL the right places And, Kevin Costner as a cowboy is a magical thing! Sorry if that is TMI, but you get my point, hopefully so that I don't sound like a crazy loon. Just focus on things that make you feel good and happy and put a smile on your face and try to not worry about the rest. Find some mindless entertainment and lose yourself for a bit. The world will still be here when you get finished.
Posted By: rooskers Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/06/20 08:41 PM
It seems ironic that a lot of people I know that finally reach a point where they stop looking and just enjoy life by themselves end up finding a person. Maybe just enjoy the time with D12 and explore new things on your own and don't even worry about finding another person. At the worst you will find a hobby you enjoy and grow closer to D12.
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/06/20 08:59 PM
Can I just say it's pretty hypocritical for those of us who found partners on OLD to criticize the quality of people on OLD??? I mean, sure, there's lots of crappy people online - as there are in any bar in town I might walk into. Sure, you might have a better chance of finding a compatible person in a special interest activity - but you'd have to meet a lot more people to find someone single and available. The simple reality is that everyone is OLD these days, and the quality is no better no worse than elsewhere. (Actually probably the least compatible guy I dated was the one guy who picked me up in the real world.) And for someone like G who is super busy, OLD offers the opportunity to meet many more men than she would in other avenues.

I DO think, though, G, that you should focus on your friendships. Having a good best friend and a good "crew" of people in your corner can ease a lot of the loneliness and fill some of what you've been looking for in your dates.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/06/20 10:15 PM
What can I say? Iím a hypocritical b!tch. And I have a right to my opinion just like everyone else. I found someone on OLD but the quality, overall, was much lower. Sadly, though, I live in a relatively rural area so there arenít a lot of organic ways to meet people as there would be in larger and more urban populations. My overall point was that maybe G is in a rut because she is seeing the same people who, for the most part, are not ideal choices over and over again. Call me hypocritical all you want because I actually never denied that I was but I stand by what I said.
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/06/20 11:28 PM
Didn't mean to offend you Dawn. It's just that everybody here complains about the quality of OLD, yet WE are the people OLD and we're a pretty fine bunch. I think it gets a bad rap when the reality just is, after a certain age, a lot of people left in the dating pool, no matter where that pool is, have baggage. But I'd say I met much better matches for me online than I ever met in clubs, I've never met anyone through work, I did through school but I'm no college student anymore. I've never met anyone through music (although I have many friends through it) and no groupie has ever asked me out after a performance. OLD is just an efficient way to screen a large number of available people to see if there's someone you'd like to meet. Some people are better at the screening process than others (my best friend just cannot tell from a profile whether she'd like someone in person or not) but it works for an awful lot of people, that's why it's so ubiquitous.

Posted By: Dawn70 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/06/20 11:36 PM
Iím not offended at all. Iím very hard to offend actually so it is all good. While I donít disagree that it works for some people, I am quick to admit, in my case while I met Sparky through OLD, he was in the vast minority of actual quality at least in my area. I canít even begin to tell you the number of losers that populate OLD sites in this neck of the woods. It is sad, really, but Iím not all that physically attractive so bars and things like that donít work for me. I actually donít know anyone who bars do work for unless they are just looking to hook up. Does OLD work? Yes. Are there quality men and women there? Yes. Are there losers? Yes. Same as IRL. In some ways I agree that it is easier to screen out the bad ones but the flip side of that is that it is easier to hide bad stuff longer. People have to do what works but they also need to try other things when the same ole same ole isnít working.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/07/20 01:06 AM
Well, hello everyone. I do love coming here and reading everyone;s perspecitves, opinions and suggestions and the different views give me alot to explore.

OLD- My feelings about it. It is the best chance a working single mom has to meet people. And now that we have a "new norm" it is probably the only way, quite honestly. Where and how could I possibly meet anyone else? Work: well, apparently married men. WHICH btw, I would never ever act upon ever in a million years. I work at a community hospital, there are no single available men. I can't do my exercise anymore at gyms with groups where i could meet a guy or someone who could hook me up with a guy. Organically has become near impossible where I live. Nothing group related or social is happening. And it's sad.

The quality: 2 out of those 3 of my blasts from the past on bumble I had met offline. Set up with one, the other, known through my friend. We weren't even set up when we went out years ago. We had a common dislike for someone that brought us together. I have met some non-winners off line as well as online. I don't think the quality online is any different that what I have met in person. There is a higher volume online so a bigger chance of more failures. The recent guys I have met aren't even "low quality" just not what I am looking for and the chemistry wasn't there for me. The one stunk who just ghosted me, but whatever. Truth be told I know plenty of successful online relationships. I just haven't been so fortunate online or in person for that matter.

FOcusing on friendships
- well, the pandemic kind of killed those for me too. My best friend and I haven't seen eachother since the beginning of the year. We are connected less than we have ever been before. My other close friends live kind of far, but I do see them when I can. I have become closer to my coworkers lately and been more social out of work which has been really nice because I work with incredible humans. But unfortunately my friendships aren't fulfilling my craving for emotionally intimacy and closeness.

NOt Looking and having the right person walk in when I least expect it. It's been almost 13 years. I have had my periods of not wanting anyone just doing me, and I am always focused on my D12. Our R is great. In the last 13 years when I wasn't looking, no one has ever magically appeared in my life. It has never worked that way for me. I feel like I almost depend too much on my R with my D for my companionship. She is just about 13 with friends and a little life of her own. She will also be spending more time with her dad. I love her so much and legit enjoy doing stuff with her. I'm happy I don't have a kid who hides in her room when I am home and hangs out me with. It won't be much longer I'm sure.

I do think swiping through bumble is not the best idea. It becomes more discouraging. ANd I am in just about the weirdest headspace right now.

Raw, honest truth: I want a guy to care about me. I want someone to take care of me emotionally. To give a cr@p about me. To be a little head over heels about me. To pursue me. To think I am special. BUT NOT for the reason of me not being able to do any of that for myself. I have been doing it for so many years. I don't want to do it all myself anymore. I so want to experience this before I die. Maybe it sounds crazy or pathetic, but I truly desire this. ANd I really just find emotionally distant men. I want to be able to lean on someone.

That being said, I am going to step back. When I saw M in person thinking it could have possibly been a new GF, I handled that better than the online dating profile. See what he desires, how he presents himself, those pictures. That has affected me and i don't know why. I think I hate that he broke up with me. Shot my ego. I should have been the one to break up with him

on another note. We had a tropical storm here. Took out tons of power, and downed trees and one huge huge branch fell on my patio. I was going ot go buy a saw or something and take care of it. But without asking, my ex showed up at my house with his chainsaw and cut it all up and bagged it. and fixed a part of my dishwasher. WTF? Seriously. It makes me nuts. I have him a package of frozen hamburgers he likes and a sincere thank you. But it baffles me and messes with my head.Oh, and I am one of very few to have power so I have been supplying people i need of bags of ice and space in my freezer. I do what I can.

That was a long one. If you made it, kudos. But I always appreciate everyones perspective and support.

My life is very uncomfortable right now. ANd for the first time in a long time, part of me is slightly scared of my current situation. I am usually a tough guy, but not right now. I dont know why, but i have become really uncomfortable with being alone. ANd I always have been COMFORTABLE with it, even if I desired a partner. But now I am uncomfortable with it. But i am not to the point where I will be with anyone not for the sake of being alone. But if I am being truly honest, it's the first time I feel very unsettled and like i need someone.

So now is maybe the time to walk away from looking for anyone. SO I don't make any stupid choices. ANd it would probably benefit me to get to the bottom of this weird place I am not familiar with.

I think I am having a pandemic MLC
Posted By: Traveler Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/07/20 02:40 AM
Hi Ginger,

Glad to hear youíre forming closer bonds with your coworkers, even if itís not the same.

Boo for your ex. :p

I hope you find that special someone to share your life withówithout forgetting your must-haves and cant-stands! If I understand right, you filter by chemistry and keep ending up with emotionally unavailable men. I wonder if chemistry is a good guide for you? A fair share of people, myself included, seem to have semi-broken ďpickersĒ. wink
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/08/20 02:22 AM
Hi CW. Thanks for stopping by. I really hope I find the one Iíd like to spend my time with one day too. Itís a tough process for sure. When I say chemistry.... itís not the fireworks and such. I know that does t always happen upfront. And actually didnít for the one one I iced the most. I think j mean more compatibility mixed in with some excitement to see the person again

Tonight I went on another date with the guy I had the date with many years ago. To my surprise.... we really enjoyed each others company.. and we had a kiss....... and I kind of liked it. More than our first kiss many years ago.

Iím really trying to process my feelings. I didnít expect this. I feared him kissing me and not feeling anything. And now I did feel..... something. And I donít know what to do with it because I didnít expect it.

Itís all so weird .

Like I said, everything is weird.

Oh well. Today was a really challenging day at work. We were short staffed with challenging cases. But things I realize: o am very respected at work. Everyone reaches out to me with difficulties and their challenges, including y new boss. A young nurse on our floor got physically attacked by a man withdrawing from alcohol last night..... so traumatizing.... and she came to me to share and get some support. I am someone others look up to...... yet Iím such a mess. Ironic. Test others see me as totally together .

And I have a patient who is the mother in law to someone famous. Canít say, because that would be a violation of HIPAA...... but we had the most lovely conversation today about the life and everything going on in World.

Some days I think Iím a mess. Yet others think Iím totally together...... maybe I am not as bad as I think I am
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/08/20 02:36 AM
I have one patient who is a quite famous older singer and she is just the loveliest, most spiritual person imaginable. I feel lucky to know her.
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/08/20 02:39 AM
(Funny story - when I first saw her name on my schedule, I though ďgee, must be tough to go through Life with the same name as a famous person!Ē Lol)
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/14/20 02:17 AM
I have a question......

Is it just me, or does it seem like there is no effort in dating anymore ? Like no one feels like need to impress a little, try a little, or make someone feel special at all?

I feel like dating is this dead end emotions less process where everyone wants what they want without so much as trying to it their best foot forward.

Am I wrong? Or am I just an old soul who is naive ?
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/14/20 03:43 AM
Good question Ginger. Iím not really sure. I think OLD has really changed the natural process of things. It seems a lot of the effort is put into making a connection online and then the brief coffee.date with a quick exit plan seems to be the standard. I havenít really gotten too far past that stage with the exception of a couple people and I never really went on a traditional date with any of them. It was a more of a mutually agreed-upon activity. The traditional dinner and a movie doesnít seem to be something that too many people do anymore. It has been replaced by ďNetflix and chillĒ, I think. I think formalities in general are being lost over time. For instance, when I was a kid, my friendsí parents were Mr. & Mrs. or Ms. I would never have thought of calling them by their first names. Nowadays, my kidsí friends call me by my first name and it would almost seem weird for them to call me anything else. So...things are changing in a lot of different ways. IDK...thatís just my take on it. I certainly join you in your frustrations with dating. My latest fiasco makes me wonder if it is worth any kind of effort at all. frown
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/14/20 06:16 AM
Maybe itís a generational thing? Iíd say itís been kinda fifty-fifty in my post-divorce dating. My first Love Avoidant date was more Netflix and chill, but to be fair, he lived in a tiny town without a lot to do. He did take me out to dinner with some good friends of his and generally was welcoming and made me feel like he was excited to see me (and eager to see me go after three days lol).

The inappropriately young guy went away with me for a weekend in a cabin in the mountains and he set up a romantic jacuzzi with floating candles.

MR Big Lots was a bust, def Netflix and chill.

Crazy ex-BF - well, he was a whole other story.

My ghosting love avoidant friend - despite his upfront admission that he didnít ďdoĒ relationships and the casual nature of our relationship, when I visited him he cooked me delicious meals and made me feel taken care of - delicious. I likened it to going to the spa.

CMM - after a coffee date meeting, our first real date was dinner at a nice restaurant. In fact, he looked better to me dressed up and his very polite gentlemanly manners were a selling point.

To be fair, Iím less impressed by money spent on me and more impressed by effort. Someone who puts effort into making me a nice meal and making me feel pampered and cared for works for me, even if all weíre doing is having dinner at his place and watching a movie.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/14/20 11:42 AM
The 20 something year old I dated I was the best in terms of dating. Asked me out properly, took me to a nice place, made fun dates, was excited to see me, cooked for me, etc. he dated me wonderfully. Of course I was very appreciative as I always am the same way when dating someone.

This guy Iím ďseeingĒ that I had been talking to many many years ago appears to be the same guy. I had hoped he had upped his game since . No, heís still the same. He doesnít treat me like a woman. He still sends his stupid perverted memes. Doesnít ask how my day is. Made one real date, I made the next. Does nothing to get me to look forward to seeing him again. Is dying to have the ďmake me dinnerĒ date for the wrong reasons. ( sex, doesnít want to drive to see me, etc.). I mean, I guess there is a reason why he is never married. Good on paper as an established man, but heís got zero game .

Iím not asking to be wooed. But keep my interest just a little if you are actually interested.

I feel like men want to do nothing to get and keep a womanís interest anymore. Especially 40-50 something year old divorced men. If you are that lazy in the beginning, I canít imagine years down the road.

And Iím not even talking gifts and money. I have never really gotten those at all either. And I would say most of my dating experiences have been even paying.

Just act interested. Who knows, maybe they arenít ad I havenít truly captured a guys attention in a long time.

The whole dating thing is hopeless. I thought it was mad in my 30ís as a divorced single mom. Turns out is is worse in my 40ís because my level of tolerance is so much lower and guys have gotten much lazier
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/14/20 12:28 PM
Please, let me correct bee cause I might have offended some wonderful 50 year old divorced guys.

I am speaking from my personal experience. I am not generalizing all of the 40-50 year old men in the dating pool.

In case that wasnít clear and I have offended anyone
Posted By: DonH Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/14/20 05:06 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
In case that wasnít clear and I have offended anyone

No offense in the least even if I fit the demo. Worrying about offending people has become so over-rated. Far too many, rather than properly debate or refute a point, try to play the offended card instead.

On your point I think itís a lot of things or at least could be. Sadly itís pretty rare for people to change - at least significantly change. This guy will likely be who he is for the rest of his life. Either you like him and can accept him for who he is or heís not for you. Sadly heís not likely to have turned into the guy you were hoping for.

Age may have something to do with it. It gets really hard to keep trying and putting in 100% after the failures many of us have had. I usually put in 100% in my 20s Most of the time. In my 50s I still do but not really as often - maybe 25% of the time - 50% of the time ar most.

I again think OLD is a part of it. Itís a numbers game as many have said and itís hard to bring your A game date after date, person after person, time after time.

Mostly I think it comes to two main items. One is we teach people how to treat us. Iíve always been huge about living this way. If we donít require and expect someone to step up and really impress us, they wonít. Why would they? We have taught them they can get what they want without it. The fact that youíve paid for or supported more dates than not says to me you are giving too much. Youíve got to show these guys you expect more - not in a bad way but just in general.

I think mostly, if they are not stepping up, itís because they are just not that into you. I put myself in this category pretty squarely. When Iím into someone it shows. Friends of mine have commented things like ďsee what happens when you try?Ē And itís true. When Iím pushing myself (I don't even do that much anymore) it shows. I Plan things, put in effort, etc. itís because Iím into her or at least think I may be. When Iím all ďwe should hang out sometimeĒ followed by, ďwhere should we meetĒ you can assume Iím just going through the motions - and Iíll bet they can tell. I wish I was more into them, I wish I really wanted to see them, but itís really more like, letís try this and see if Iím wrong in my initial feelings and somehow become surprised and really end up liking you. If the woman responds with ďoh Iím happy with doing anything, whatever you want is fine with me,Ē itís her kiss of death. She may think sheís making it easier or increasing her value but the opposite is really happening. When Iím like ďI really want to take you out, be ready at 7 PM and Iíll pick you up (or meet you) for a really fun night, Iím interested - not just going through the motions. Thatís happened with just a few women in the last few years.

So for me the last possibility fits the most, but all of them are possibilities. Sadly itís far and few between that I find someone who I really want to pursue. Thatís my biggest challenge. When I do and when I try, really try, it seems to go much better. When Iím just meh, yeah, we should get together sometime, itís rare it will get better from there. I saying this for you to consider it with these guys. On your end, youíve got to require more from them. Itís back to that book - ďWhy Men Love BitchesĒ (itís a formal, TMd book title, please do not censor it) youíve got to show these guys that if they expect to date you, they need to bring their A game or they can expect to be benched. Itís a two way street and as much on them as it is on you
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/14/20 07:03 PM
I agree with the teaching people how to treat us. It doesnít serve us well to be too accommodating. Itís ok to insist b on advance notice for a date or youíre unavailable. Itís ok to ask ďwhat do you have planned?Ē In a tone of voice that implies you expect him to step up.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/14/20 08:40 PM
Don, I appreciate your feedback and not being offended. Seriously, everyone is offended by everything, even when it has nothing to do with them. But I never want to offend anyone and lump them into a category.

That being said, I think you are 100% on point. It's not that guys just stopped trying at a certain age that I've been dating. I think they really have just not have been that into me. Enough to see me, hope to get laid, as long as they don't have to do anything. Well, that isn't acceptable to me. I think back to many guys I have dated. A few weeks, months, i put in most effort, I drive to see them, they rarely come to see me, and are willing to take what they can get without any effort, and as soon as i want some effort on their part, they ditch. It's been a reoccurring theme in my dating life. For the love of God, I did this with the same guy for a few years straight! I taught him that it was OK to treat me that way.

I think I finally realized I am done with that. I have developed zero tolerance for it. I am comfortable in who I am. A giving, loving vulnerable fun woman. If a man can't realize that and want to treat me right, then I am not for them.

I really think if a guy was that into me, he would put an ounce of effort in, seem interested and engaged. I simply haven't found that yet. And I seriously cringe at what I have accepted. ANd i just have no desire to deal with it anymore.

IN other news, I had a great week off. We did alot of fun stuff, went stand up paddle boarding, kayaking, jetskiing, beach and empire state building. It was nice having some actual fun. We are going to make the paddling boarding kayaking a regular thing on the weekends when the weather is good. It's close by, inexpensive and tons of fun.

I don't know what possessed me to decide to go back to work on a Saturday. But I go back tomorrow. To my second job. I spoke to manager at my second job asking if I could go down to 2 days, She said she couldn't do that because it wouldn't be fair to others, but she would absolutely hate to lose me. SO she may have come up with a reaosnable solution which involves all the sundays in a month working from home for 2 hours in the morning and then 2 in person days which I am on board with totally. I have knowledge of something that needs to be done in the weekend, that the other weekenders don't have. It just needs approval from the big boss.

I had a good week, but i am still struggling. Pain is the main reason right now. I am in 24/7 physical pain and it has made me miserable. I decided i am going to make other appointments I should be making to get to the bottom if this pain. It's time. It is far too depressing ot be a formerly very active person in constant pain.

I'll figure this all out for sure. It's just taking longer than most
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/14/20 09:30 PM
I agree with the teaching people how to treat us. It doesnít serve us well to be too accommodating. Itís ok to insist b on advance notice for a date or youíre unavailable. Itís ok to ask ďwhat do you have planned?Ē In a tone of voice that implies you expect him to step up.
Posted By: rooskers Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/14/20 09:42 PM
Count me in on not being offended at all. The girl I am currently dating I made a nice homemade Italian dish for lunch and then we went for a nice hike to see a beautiful waterfall. As we were coming back I took her out for an ice-cream cone and we walked in the park for a little bit. She had mentioned another time how a local farm was selling peaches so I surprised her and took her to the farm so we could buy a bunch of peaches and then came back home and we made a wonderful peach cobbler with it.

Each time we went out and I bought her something or did something for her she would get kinda nervous. Finally, I had to ask her what was going on and she said her EX and some of the previous guys she dated always demanded something sexual in return for doing or buying her something. I was speechless and disgusted. She said it was the same with her ex mother-in-law who would only be able to go shopping if she did something sexual for her husband. Is this something that is really common and have I just been living in ignorance? She is having a hard time getting use to someone who just wants to have fun without any expectations in return.
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/14/20 09:58 PM
Quote
she said her EX and some of the previous guys she dated always demanded something sexual in return for doing or buying her something


Wow, thatís creepy! Where are you located? Is that some kind of regional or ethnic thing? IĎm sure a few men have bought me dinner thinking I might go home with them after but nobody has ever suggested a BJ for a dress or any such thing!!!

Sounds like youíre doing a great job with thoughtful dates.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/14/20 11:16 PM
Rooskers, thatís exactly what I mean..... the way you treat your lady and court her, thatís how it should be! And that is so horrible that men expect sex in exchange for nice romantic gestures. I am fortunate that has never happened for me. They just usually do the bare minimum until they get some.

The way you date your girl is how I want someone to date me. And you must really like her and respect her. Which is KEY.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/14/20 11:47 PM
Chiming in here with some past history and perhaps TMI.

My ex didn't like sex and certainly didn't like being asked for it. So - weirdly - early in our marriage she told me that she would reliably put out on Sunday mornings IF I left her alone otherwise. Occasionally she would get in the mood on other days - usually if she wanted something. She said it put me in a more agreeable mood.

So that was the pattern for 26 years. Sunday mornings, if she was feeling up to it and if it wasn't anywhere around "that time of the month". I got really good at counting 28 days.

When we were empty nesters, we started going out for breakfast together every Sunday morning and then doing the groceries. I still remember being baffled when she would say that because there was no booty that she was sad that we wouldn't go out for breakfast. Excuse me?? Breakfast is my favorite meal booty or non.

Now while I have heard a lot of stories that it is now "normal" to expect sex for little investment, the idea of it being some sort of "pay back" has a long history in our society.

Makes me feel bad in some ways for the OM in my situation that he is stuck with those attitudes. But not very.

I've certainly found that no strings attached sex is a whole lot more fun and I no longer have to stare at the calendar.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/15/20 12:18 AM
darlin I can buy my own stuff, thanks. I pity the man who tries that on me, ever.
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/15/20 02:11 AM
Good grief Andrew! No wonder youíre so tolerant now that youíre getting unscheduled sex!

My exH has no idea how good he had it!
Posted By: Fogg Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/15/20 03:26 AM
Geez, once a week doesnít sound too bad, even if it is scheduled. The last few years of my M it was average once every 3-6 weeks.. Yes, weeks. I donít even know whatís normal after everything I went through with my ex. Having physical touch as a love language just made it more difficult to process..

Ginger, I get the frustration with people not trying, Iím sure if feels terrible after taking care of yourself for so long and getting to a place where youíre ready to be in a relationship, only to keep finding people who arenít. I think thereís been a lot of good comments so far related to that. I have very little dating experience but I can already see frustrations building with how shitty dating in general is. I can see why someone might sort of give up with it all after constantly putting in effort, yet never work out. Iím glad youíre finding what you will and will not put up with. I still believe youíll find what your looking for, it may never have been in the timeline you wanted, but I believe it will happen for you.
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/15/20 04:21 AM
Everyoneís different and thatís ok, but I was with my ex for 26 years and we averaged 2-3 times a week throughout our marriage. Maybe more like 3 times earlier and 2 times later but pretty steady throughout. He was an idiot.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/20/20 11:03 PM
Sigh. So, I finished crazy day 6 out of 7 for work. This week began cheerleading, so itís a new sort of running around around and pressure on the schedule. My ex doesnít actually partake in all of this . Tonight after cheer she has a friends birthday party until 11pm. My diet has been awful this week woth all the running around, also my daughters. But I did manage to get her fed. One night with a healthy meal. I went out to dinner with my cousin last night and it was fun and we promised to make it an every 2 week thing.

Iíve been having an extra special string of bad luck lately. The dumbest stuff I couldnít even make up if I tried. Pretty much want to lay in my bed just avoid the outside world for at least a week. Not an option.

Me and that guy are done. After this weekend, I said no way. He was lame about effort and what happened this weekend, and I just said, well, good luck to you! And he said ď whatís, thatís it?Ē. He still texts. I give one word answers. Forget that. I decided to delete my dating apps for now. It stinks out there. And I am not in a place to go through anymore bad to get to the good. Many years has been enough, and if I donít break, I go nuts.


The highlight of my day is seeing a COVID patient who was on the brink of death WALK back in to thank everyone. He was my dads age, a strong guy, worked out every day ...ZERO comorbidities, and healthier than most 30 year olds.... he ended up on a vent with critical illness quadriplegia ( he became so ill he became so deconditioned he couldnít move) he went to an acute inpatient rehab and now he is as good as new. Itís unreal to see . And it was definitely tear jerking .

Today would have been my 16th wedding anniversary which is stupid to think about as I was only married for 4 years, and heís been married for 9 years already. Just another day. Although it was also one year ago today Mís momís house burnt down. I hope the repairs are done and sheís back in. I imagine it is and thatís why he put himself back in the dating market.

Anyways.its just me myself and I trying to get through some challenges again.
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/20/20 11:31 PM
That's so great about the patient returning. That's one thing people don't realize when they try to minimize the fatality rate - just because you SURVIVE it doesn't mean it's a trip to Hollywood! Being on a ventilator is a horrible experience.

I think we should just write off 2020 btw. This year is freaky. And good for you setting higher expectations from your dates.

(((((HUG)))))
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/22/20 12:10 AM
Full disclosure: my poison ivy is somewhere it should not be causing me incredible discomfort and pain. I am so incredibly miserable, itís not funny. I got a steroid shot today, and that on top of other meds I have pretty much no relief. Only ice relieves me. The only thing the steroid has done for me is make me ravenous and Iíll probably just gain an extra 10 lbs I canít afford

I completely Day 7/7 Of work today. Today I had a very heavy case load so I worked an hour late.
My daughter. Ha heís her birthday party again because of her cheerleading and now itís next Friday night and back to a sleep over. So I will work and come home and set up for an outdoor camping sleepover and Iíve got a week to prepare.

I am just miserable and want to never leave my bed. Iím hating life right now, quite honestly. I need a break and I think it might never come .
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/22/20 12:13 AM
Wait. One good thing about my day. Iíve made pretty good friends with a coworker during COVID because I sat in her area. Sheís the palliative social worker. She is my people. The social workers do these regular outings and get together a that the case managers arenít invited to. They look like so much fun. Well, she has got me into the group! Iíve made a new actual friend. She said they are all going ďglampingĒ soon, and I should come. Iím pretty excited to have a new friend and to be included in the group. I think my souls needs that right now.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/22/20 11:02 PM
To continue the chronicles of my exciting and adventurous life:

When I thought this poison ivy couldnít get any worse...... it has. I thought it might be something else, because usually a steroid shot would give relief, but instead, itís getting worse . I have quite an extreme case, it seems. Iíve been texting with my doctor friend and I will live...... bit I shall suffer intently first. I am glad he gave me some peace of mind though.

My body is swollen and broken out in primarily rash. Itís a sight to see. I canít just get a normal case of poison ivy. Noooooooo. I look like I have leprosy. And feel the same . 2020 is the gift that keeps on giving.

I just feel legit awful. My once healthy active body feels like itís crumbling . Its truly an awful feeling.

The census guy came to my door to try to harass me. I was going to rub my weeping blisters all
Over him. But I didnít . Itís me and the kiddo this weekend. Canít do much. But we are fine. Tomorrow night she has a birthday party. Sunday night . 4- midnight. Please help me.

To top it all off, we found 6-8th graders will be 100% virtual. My daughter is in tears. I am worried for her. An only child who will be alone all day child to learn to come home to one parent. Sheís beside herself. She thrives in school. She loves school, her teachers, interacting ..... Iím seriously worried about her. She needs school and everything it has to offer

Iím holding it all together by a thread. I look awful, I feel awful, but Iím still holding it together. This to shal
Pass, right? Hahahahaha ha!

I can only laugh these days. If I donít sigh, Iíll cry, and trust me, Iíve done my fair share of crying
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/22/20 11:12 PM
Poison Ivy?!?!? OMG Ginger... so sorry to hear that. And sorry to hear you were disappointed by that guy. Sounds like you are pretty sure clear about what you want though which is good to read.

Yes... this too shall pass. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/23/20 11:55 AM
Thanks, vu. I donít just have poison ivy, I have it in the worst places imaginable. I have never been so uncomfortable in my life. Itís seriously awful. Iím getting minimal relief and had to throw out any fun activities I had plan for like my last weekend off in forever because I just canít stand this.

And it has given me a forced hiatus from dating for a while. Iím probably going to look like I have leprosy for some time. And leprosy where you donít want it

I do and I donít firmly know what I want in a man/ relationship. Part of me would just love an activities partner. There is just so much I want to do/ try/places to go that just isnít fun alone. Part of me just wants to find a chill dude woth the same interests and hang out. But then there is my schedule which is absolutely awful. Between parenting and 2 jobs, I have very random free time. It stinks. In the same breath I also want a healthy partner for a deep connection. But I feel like that is almost impossible to find. Part of me has given up on that. Doesnít make me want it any less, it just makes me realize it is likely not in the cards for me. Iíve had one semi close experience to it since my divorce many moons ago, and that ended poorly. Other people date for a month right after divorce, and boom, find the one! Itís just happening that way for me.

I think I am just going to throw away 2020. I wonít be able to do those adventures and activities I crave. Dating is a no go. Iíll just work . And come 2021, make a better commitment to making time for myself and enjoying life.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/23/20 01:33 PM
Oh, and since I told that guy we are better off friends......

Heís oh so attentive and interest now.
Funny how that works
Posted By: AndrewP Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/23/20 03:39 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
To top it all off, we found 6-8th graders will be 100% virtual. My daughter is in tears. I am worried for her. An only child who will be alone all day child to learn to come home to one parent. Sheís beside herself. She thrives in school. She loves school, her teachers, interacting ..... Iím seriously worried about her. She needs school and everything it has to offer
Is there a way you can pair up with a bestie of her's and have them do the online learning together? We've been looking for another grade 8 kid here to do that with S13.
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/23/20 04:20 PM
Quote
Oh, and since I told that guy we are better off friends......

Heís oh so attentive and interest now.
Funny how that works


See? Not saying you should give him any more of your time, but this is what weíve been telling you all along - donít make it so easy. Donít go all in so soon. Donít be too available. Let the guy have to work for it a little.

The busier or less interested I was, the more interested men have been.
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/23/20 09:54 PM
(((Ginger))). Poison Ivy is bad enough but d*mn girl!!! WTF?!? Hopefully it improves sooner rather than later. I cannot imagine how uncomfortable you must be. And then having to go to work on top of it. Poor you.

RE: the guy who is now attentive and more interested. Hmmm...sure you want to write him off? Seems to me you communicated a standard and now heís rising to meet it. Isnít that a good thing?

I hate that you think love and connection isnít in the cards for you. Maybe there is some relief in deciding not to want it so much but geez...arenít you only 40? Iím 52. You have 12 whole years to go before you get to where I am. It can still happen but maybe it is more likely to when you arenít as invested in finding it?

I know... Iím one to talk...lol. Thereís a reason we tend to be better at giving advice than following it...lol. Still...I am like you in a lot of ways, I think. I donít find enjoyment in serial dating. I want somethings with substance that I can invest in...with someone who feels the same way about me. Itís out there for you Ginger. I know it is. In the meantime...take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Fogg Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/24/20 03:41 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Other people date for a month right after divorce, and boom, find the one! Itís just happening that way for me.

I think I am just going to throw away 2020. I wonít be able to do those adventures and activities I crave. Dating is a no go. Iíll just work . And come 2021, make a better commitment to making time for myself and enjoying life.


Would you want that? To date a month after divorce and just find someone? I think you know the irrational part of that statement, very few people are in a healthy place to date a month after their divorce. It might appear so, but that's just how the outside image looks. The FB feed looks great and all, but its not real life.

I understand the frustration at how long its been doing what you've been doing. Taking care of your daughter on your own, working and providing for the both of you, the daily chores that need to get done. Its exhausting and few people see the amount of effort that's really required when you do it all. I get it [censored] and you do deserve to have that healthy companionship after all the work you've put in. But try to focus more on the positives that have come out of it. You have more self knowledge of who you are than most people gain in an entire lifetime. Which is just one item in a long list of things to be proud of, things that are attractive and will eventually catch the attention of someone worth it.
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/24/20 03:54 PM
I second everything Fogg said Ginger. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/24/20 11:34 PM
I am really upset that my D is not going back to school. I am fine with a few friends doing school together and I already did suggest that. But they need TEACHERS. I may have the unpopular opinion, but itís all BS at this point in my area. The reason she is going all virtual is because 25 teachers decided to take leave. They canít staff the school. In my area it is now time to get back to work for teachers. For a few months there, absolutely not, it now we are under Control , hospitalizations and death are minimum and there are protocols in place, our kids could safely Return. So can teachers. I understand their fear, but it is time now. But there isnít much I can do about it.....

Fogg and Vu, thank you. I do believe I have lived my life in a way I can proud. When I said finding someone within a month , I meant within a month when they decide they are ready to date. So many years and so any disappointments to me. I still canít help going to back thing there must be something wrong with ME. But I do think Iíve lived a life I can be proud of. I should be very attractive to the right person who can see that. For whatever reason, it hasnít happened in the last 12 years, and I canít help but feel a little less hopeless for the next 12. I have taken myself off the dating sites. Now isnít the time to date for me. Iím going to be ok alone. Some days I really feel so awfully lonely and just want someone to hold me and tell me they love me. But Iíll have to stick woth my dog for now.

I really donít even know what to do with this poison ivy. Itís been a week, nothing has helped and itís getting worse. TMI, but my right groin is very swollen and painful and causing me lots of pain when I walk today. Iím on Abx to cover infection, but Iím a little concerned. If it gets any worse, Iím going back to the doctor.

Was were short handed at work today and my new boss decided to do things differently today which left me with the heaviest case load. The way she did it isnít fair. I have the heaviest and busiest floor with the most patients. Anyways, I didnít finish my work, but I left only a half hour late anyways. . I have to feed D and get her to cheerleading. Family first. Today at work we had 7 alcoholics and 1 heroin OD on my floor. Who her mom just had to tell today that her BF does to days ago and she screamed and wailed. It was awful.

Iím stressing about My D 12 birthday sleepover this Friday. I tried to do more yard work to get ready, but I just canít do it. Iím in so pain and the second I sweat, I itch like crazy. I did about a half hours worth and thatís it. exH said he would come take care it if he wasnít back to work. Which I thought was nice. Heís going to try to come after work Friday and give a hand.

As I write this, I realize I am really just have the most difficult time seeing positives. All I see is me trying to get through another day.Fogg, I really am so so so so tired of doing it all alone. And seriously, at this point I would never expect a guy to ďhelpĒ me, but having the emotional support for me and the love and the caring would really make a world of a difference .

I really wish to god I could find some positives. I could not be so depressed and stressed. Iím just in a place to achieve that right now. Iím really struggling to that. And it makes me feel really guilty I canít do that
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/25/20 12:20 AM
Girl, I want to know what you were doing to get poison ivy all over like that? My ex was super sensitive to it too. Going in the ocean (salt water) seemed to help him.

Are you positive it's poison ivy though? If you didn't have any likely exposure and it's not improving with the steroids, maybe there's another explanation?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/25/20 12:48 AM
I was pulling weeds and bagging brush, unaware of the poison ivy. But I have identified it and it is there. I imagine my clothes rubbed against me when I took them off. I didnít use any as TP and I certainly was having a romp in the woods.

Although I am really concerned because everyone who I have known who has gotten steroids have had their symptoms decrease quickly, where as mine just keep getting worse. Iím getting a little concerned. If I have another day of torture an no improvement, I will revisit the doctor.

I just canít take the hits anymore. Nothing happens to me ďnormallyĒ itís always to an extreme. And when I donít even have the ability to just take care of myself.

This blows . I canít wait for sleep
Posted By: kml Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/25/20 01:55 AM
So sorry! Donít burn any brush, if you inhale poison ivy smoke you can have a bad lung reaction.

You need some music therapy for your mood. Get an uplifting playlist together and play it often. Also do some visualization of your poison ivy clearing as you go to sleep.
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/25/20 03:48 AM
Gosh Ginger. I donít even know what to say. Sounds just awful!! I hope things get better for you soon. (((Hugs)))
Posted By: job Re: not where I thought I would be - 08/25/20 04:08 PM
New Thread:

What the AF??!!??
© DivorceBusting.com