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Made it a year - part 4

Posted By: kas99

Made it a year - part 4 - 05/28/20 02:05 PM

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2894635&page=11

I'm switching attorneys and I have 3 consults lined up - the first one is today. I work in a court so I have 3 equally great lawyers to choose from. If I remotely like the one today I will hire her because none of the 3 offer free consultations. They are at a level where "free" isn't in their vocabulary. I was up until 1am copying a few documents like tax returns, making a list of questions and summarizing my case. In the light of day I'm thinking I should make a shorter summary. I'm very tired, kinda sick, but I'm prepared to do what needs to be done.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/28/20 02:38 PM

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I would tell D14 the chances are better for custody/living with you if she moves in now (before official paperwork is in place). Is there really no way for the kids to work this out living together until you can move?


kml,

This is what I want and maybe if my attorney says this is the best course of action maybe I can talk D14 into it. I'm not sure if D14 doesn't want S19 (aspergers) to give her crap (I will deal with this) or she doesn't want to give up her space. Could be both. The decision is mine of course but I'd prefer to have S19 and D17's support. For the next 2 months all they will do is sleep all day so what does it matter?

Start school in August, the only issue there is talking D14 into going back to pick her up (she will have early release). The new rental will be in the school district so D14 can walk or ride the bus. I'll need money to pull all this off and I have to pay my attorney as well. Lots of unknowns. Wish me luck today.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/28/20 05:34 PM

Originally Posted by kml
I would tell D14 the chances are better for custody/living with you if she moves in now (before official paperwork is in place).

Agreed! Regular overnights by D14 would alter the "status quo" and probably help with custody. smile

Originally Posted by kas99
I'm switching attorneys and I have 3 consults lined up - the first one is today. if my attorney says this is the best course of action maybe I can talk D14 into it. Lots of unknowns. Wish me luck today.

Good luck! $10,000 should be plenty to get what you're entitled to. It's more than I spent. I'm glad you skipped budget attorneys. My expensive attorney is efficient enough she cost me less than attorneys half her price. I'm wishing you good luck today in finding a kindred spirit and getting on the path to at least some custody of D14!
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/28/20 06:24 PM

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Good luck! $10,000 should be plenty to get what you're entitled to. It's more than I spent. I'm glad you skipped budget attorneys. My expensive attorney is efficient enough she cost me less than attorneys half her price. I'm wishing you good luck today in finding a kindred spirit and getting on the path to at least some custody of D14!


Do you really think $10k will be enough? This woman is very nice according to my coworkers she's just a go getter and will make the opposing side look like idiots. I counted my cash yesterday and I have the $10k. I've been saving since the day he walked out. I was heartbroken not stupid.

I took the credit cards out of his wallet before he moved out. He's terrible with money and I wanted to make sure my name was off all of them. To this day he thinks he lost them.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/28/20 06:40 PM

Originally Posted by kas99
Do you really think $10k will be enough? This woman is very nice according to my coworkers she's just a go getter and will make the opposing side look like idiots.

Trying to "win" can cost as much as you're willing to spend. I had a family member spend over $100,000, and they won a 6-month delay in moving to 50/50 custody against a less wealthy opponent. (Their opponent committed a felony a few months later--it debatable whether it was worth $100,000 to avoid three months custody with a soon-to-be felon.) Getting what you are entitled to is cheap. The person arguing against the norm tends to spend. That's a great question for your attorney--what do they anticipate in terms of cost and outcomes? Mine was right on their mark.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/28/20 10:17 PM

It didnít go well. H is going to get off cheap.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/29/20 02:58 AM

Iím totally fine. D14 doesnít want to live with me so Iím stressing over absolutely nothing. It will be super easy to get a nice 3 bedroom house outside the overpriced school district. I kinda thought it would go down like this. D14 doesnít want to be there but there is better than here. Sheís almost 15 and I canít make her do anything.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/29/20 03:31 AM

Originally Posted by kas99
She's almost 15 and I can't make her do anything.

My D15 declared six months ago I couldn't make her go to school. That lasted about 12 minutes!! My D15 is growing, and I grant her more choices and responsibilities, but I'm her Dad, and I control some things when I believe it's best for her. Maybe she'll thank me down the line. Maybe not. wink

It's your prerogative to go with your D14's preferences. A judge would take into account her feelings, but they also consider what's in her best interest, and most courts favor both parents in their lives. I am assuming your attorney didn't raise any reasons this court would rule against you having visitation.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/29/20 12:48 PM

I didnít get a good judge. She doesnít like alimony and here the judge decides. I canít afford to give D14 her own room and sure I could fight for her but sheíd hate me. D14 said she will have her license in a year and she will visit more then. She means well but thatís not whatís going to happen. I said the day I came here I was going to lose her. H lost a kid too so I guess we are even.

My situation seems dire to me today. Itís difficult not to see that H will come out of this unscathed. Women often end up on the bad end financially. I know a few personally. They survived meaning they have a home, a job and food. Most remarried. One woman I know who got ended up in a really bad place worse than me her husband did suffer some pretty bad karma. Ended up alone, severely depressed and heís got cancer. Bad.

My old attorney has also messed up my case and missed some deadlines. The judge will probably grant me some leeway but this ups my cost to fix it. Her retainer will wipe me out cash wise. The other attorney Iím supposed to have a consult with isnít much cheaper. If I settle it will be cheaper but if I go to trial Iím looking at $6k just for that. Not bad I guess. My budget is $10k and unless I go to trial this will cover it.

Oh and his pension is untouchable but she will go after some lump sum alimony that he can make payments on. The benefit to this is I can remarry.

I donít get a ton of responses here but I figured Iíd tell the story for the lurkers.

I feel sick.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/29/20 01:30 PM

I donít always respond because Iím not usually sure how to respond. I feel bad for you being in the situation you are in but I donít really identify with it as some other might because it is just so different than my own D was. I think one thing everyone can agree on is that D SUX!!!!! It is hard, it is painful, it is gut-wrenching.

So, my lack of response isnít lack of caring, it is just inability to offer sound advice because I didnít have the same experience. My D process in and of itself was fairly quick and inexpensive because we didnít have alimony and custody issues to deal with. No court or anything. We amicably hashed our our possessions, made a list, turned it into the court and 60 days later it was done.

For me, the other reason I donít respond as often is that I fear sometimes my responses come across as harsh and that is absolutely never my intention. As I have said before, I really do feel terribly for you in your situation and the difficulties you are facing. It is rather easy for me, from the outside, only having VERY limited information, to pick out the positive in your situation, but I donít live in it every day like you do.

Having said all that, though, hereís my response to your most recent posts, offered in what I hope is a helpful manner to just give you another viewpoint outside yourself to think about. Iím still confused about the whole D14 thing. Are you saying that she chooses to stay with H because she doesnít have her own room at your house? You keep saying you canít make her do anything, but kas, YOU are the parent, so you can, in fact, make her do anything. It might be tough and she may fight tooth and nail, but she isnít 18 so until then, you still, technically, call the shots. Just because you donít call the shots to keep the peace (Which is not necessarily a bad thing), doesnít mean you canít if push comes to shove. And just how does she think she is going to drive to see you more once she has her license? Does this indicate that H is planning to buy her a car? Based on what you have said about H, I canít imagine that she is going to be using his car all the time.

As I have said before, you seem to spend a lot of time focusing on how H is benefitting or coming out ahead in this deal, but you need to focus more on your own positives. Girl, you have $10,000 saved up. Thatís AMAZING! That tells me you are very smart with your financial decisions. Thatís a HUGE positive in your corner. You have 3 kids whom you adore. They clearly love you too. You have a job, a roof over your head, food on the table, kids who love you. Your H, who you admit you are better off without, is out of your life and whether you believe it or not, you are on the path to a much brighter, happier future. Until you arrive there, try to focus on staying in your own lane and let H deal with his. From the outside looking in, you are doing MUCH better than you think you are.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/29/20 03:34 PM

I called in sick to work today after posting that and instantly felt relief so let me try this again. I came here to try to save my marriage not realizing the only thing I could save was me. It's sad that the kids are collateral damage in H's new life but I don't have control over that. It will crush me when he remarries but I will have peace knowing he will not be happy. Maybe she's younger, prettier, richer and more fabulous than I will ever be but in the end he's still him. I've known him for 30 years and on the inside he's exactly the same.

I've come a long...long way since I came here 14 months ago. I'm happiER despite the monumental loss, grateful, closer to my kids, less stressed and have less anxiety. D14 isn't happy with H and wants to live with me. She just isn't willing to give up her own bedroom. Maybe the universe will intervene but if it doesn't I have no choice but to accept it. See this is evidence of my growth the ability to accept what life throws at me even if I don't like it.

This will be financially devastating but I'm a survivor. I'll be okay. Just now I googled "rooms for rent" and right away found one for $500 a month with a private bath. The owner is a retired woman living alone. Couple of others are situations where 2-3 women share a house. Before the BD I'd never in a million years consider such a bold move but now? Sounds fun. And this includes utilities AND internet!! I'm a hermit and with the cash I'd save I could do fun things while saving up for when I age out of that lifestyle or just keeping finding more old single women to live with. lol

I miss H, our life, our dreams, our future and I'm jealous that SHE took my place....sigh but I know what she got because I already had it. I'm guessing it just takes time to grieve all that I have lost.

We get the kittens tomorrow which will be a nice distraction. I'm tired now so I'm going to go take a nap. If you made it this far thanks for reading.
Posted By: HaWho

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/30/20 12:42 AM

Regarding renting rooms, are you now thinking of living all on your own w/out any custody of your kids? Or are you just envisioning life after your kids go to college?

I understand 14 year olds have their priorities and much growing up to do. I know that if one parent bribes or does the Disney parent thing, that works in the short term but backfires long term when the kids mature and realize they were used as pawns. That is why my ex did with my older son. Sometimes it takes kids many, many years to see what was done to them. Sometimes, they see it faster.

In my opinion, I agree with you that forcing her to move somewhere she does not want to will drive a wedge between you two. Yes, you may able to do it legally but itís hard to fight that battle before kids mature a bit to see the bigger picture. Because you may win in court but when itís time to enforce it, it drives the kids to the Disney parent.

However, this does warrant a come to Jesus conversation with her discussing that you do want her there; love is not contingent on your own room. This is temporary and better times are to come. Even if you donít win this battle, itís important to still sow seeds saying you want her with you, you wish you could provide better and that she should not abandon going to you because of this. Personally, I think this is a message to reinforce over and over again. People fall on hard times and love is unconditional. Again, this is so that worst case scenario she just remembers hearing the message and it shapes her and her values. Best case scenario is she turns around.

I donít know what state you live in, but my very rudimentary handle on divorce with kids is that it is severely disadvantageous to have 2 households with vastly different qualities of life. Werenít you a stay at home mom? If the support is not such that you both have somewhat comparable households, how does this impact the kids and their relationships with each parent. Canít your lawyer sure this example w/D14 as evidence?

In general my understanding is all arguments need to be framed as ďwhat is in the best interest of the kids?Ē The answer is: two loving homes with comparable lifestyles so that this kind of scenario does not exist. This is in the best interest of the kids.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/30/20 05:25 AM

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Regarding renting rooms, are you now thinking of living all on your own w/out any custody of your kids? Or are you just envisioning life after your kids go to college?


Life after they move out.

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I understand 14 year olds have their priorities and much growing up to do. I know that if one parent bribes or does the Disney parent thing, that works in the short term but backfires long term when the kids mature and realize they were used as pawns. That is why my ex did with my older son. Sometimes it takes kids many, many years to see what was done to them. Sometimes, they see it faster.


D14 is here now and she gets it more than I gave her credit for.....but giving up Disney for a tent in the backyard isn't something that sounds appealing to her. He's treating her worse than ever though but disney.

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In my opinion, I agree with you that forcing her to move somewhere she does not want to will drive a wedge between you two. Yes, you may able to do it legally but itís hard to fight that battle before kids mature a bit to see the bigger picture. Because you may win in court but when itís time to enforce it, it drives the kids to the Disney parent


He's out every night until 2am now but he buys her expensive things.

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However, this does warrant a come to Jesus conversation with her discussing that you do want her there; love is not contingent on your own room. This is temporary and better times are to come. Even if you donít win this battle, itís important to still sow seeds saying you want her with you, you wish you could provide better and that she should not abandon going to you because of this. Personally, I think this is a message to reinforce over and over again. People fall on hard times and love is unconditional. Again, this is so that worst case scenario she just remembers hearing the message and it shapes her and her values. Best case scenario is she turns around.


She came over tonight to talk and I gave her a version of this speech. I can't guarantee a nicer house but we're a family and we love her even S19. S19 says he doesn't want her with H either. Says he's a pos and CPS needs to be called. They won't care but I appreciated the sentiment.

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I donít know what state you live in, but my very rudimentary handle on divorce with kids is that it is severely disadvantageous to have 2 households with vastly different qualities of life. Werenít you a stay at home mom? If the support is not such that you both have somewhat comparable households, how does this impact the kids and their relationships with each parent. Canít your lawyer sure this example w/D14 as evidence?


The attorney I interviewed said there is a huge disparity in income so she will fix that. The only relationship it has affected is the one I have with D14.

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In general my understanding is all arguments need to be framed as ďwhat is in the best interest of the kids?Ē The answer is: two loving homes with comparable lifestyles so that this kind of scenario does not exist. This is in the best interest of the kids.


Working on this. I'm just so scared that this isn't even remotely going my way.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/30/20 10:29 AM

You do realize that she sent you a picture of an empty fridge and a dead rat? How is that like Disney and your house like a tent? She constantly complains of no food in the house. And she says he treats her awful.

The last time I was at Disney, there was tons of food and happiness and everyone treated you like gold.

I am so confused. So as long as you live in a big house, even if it has nothing in it, like people, food, or love, itís the better option? YOU actually view it that way and your D14 does?

You have a lot of disillusionment . Bigger just seems to be better to you and you have a hard time showing D14 otherwise because you believe it too.

Home is where love is. Food in the fridge helps too.
Posted By: HaWho

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/30/20 12:08 PM

No, this disparity in the 2 households has affected all the children, not just daughter 14. That is my whole point! It impacts all children to know there are 2 different standards involved. Even if the other 2 are living with you because if he has more then it creates resentment for those 2 kids. And that impacts their relationship with each of you. The goal is to set it up so that each child has a healthy relationship with each parent. If you have less the kids worry about you more and that is not healthy for you all either. If long term you are awarded less (which I do not believe will happen), this makes it harder for you to care for yourself long term and you make the case you donít want to be a burden to your kids. Rather, you want to care FOR them. This needs to be hammered home.

You are bringing some sort of defeatist attitude to this all. You need to get an attitude of entitlement. That is a long term marriage, you were a SAHM, it was a partnership and that is YOUR money, too. Please repeat this over and over so that it is conveyed to your lawyer and the judge. And it is in the best interest of ALL kids. Please start believing it.

Do you have text conversations indicating lack of food at his place, rats, proof of neglect (that he is out all night)?, etc. Print all these out and be ready to show them in court. Give them to your lawyer. Text convos between my ex and the kids sunk my ex. It helps to have your convos with her, but if you have convos between her and him, that helps A LOT! However, you donít want to involve her in this to the point that it damages her r with him/turns her against him. My kids were young so I still had full access to their phones. His convos with them were so damaging the judge actually warned him he has issues.

You are bringing some sort of prior issues to this all and projecting them onto this situation. I suspect itís because of childhood issues. Being treated badly but staying for the money is a conversation you need to have with your daughter. It is not love. No man should ever treat her like she can be bought. Huge mental course correction needed here for d 14.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/30/20 06:46 PM

I need a nap. I canít make D14 move in with me. H is neglecting her but where I live sheís living the life of luxury. I live in the poorest, fattest, dumbest state. A judge might be swayed but then sheíd hate me. Itís not worth it. Sheís not starving, he buys her nice things, she has a nice house, etc. It will be fair once I get support but unless I can get a 4 bedroom house sheís not going to move.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/30/20 06:47 PM

Iím leaning towards a visitation schedule. Something structured, predictable even if she doesnít sleep here.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/30/20 07:40 PM

Unless I miss my guess, and Iím pretty sure Iím right since we here in Arkansas say thank God for your state all the time because it keeps us from ranking last in those categories, we are neighbors. (Waves from the West!)

I think Ginger and HaWho has great points and I agree with both of them. What bothers me about your situation and I think speaks to HaWhoís point is your repeated assertions that you canít make d14 move. You may not want to rock that boat, which I totally understand, but unless custody has been stripped from you for whatever reason, you CAN make her move. Now, Iím not necessarily suggesting you should, but someone (Ginger I think) pointed out that she is learning a very big lesson in the message of it is ok to stay with H despite the fact that she doesnít really want to be there because she has her own room (read gets her way) and he buys her stuff. That is a really frightening precedent to set for her because she will be less likely to value herself as an adult and be more likely to be sucked in by someone who mistreats her as long as they buy her stuff to appease her on occasion.
Posted By: kml

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/30/20 08:50 PM

I donít really think she has the ability to make her move since most courts would listen to the desires of a 14 year old in terms of which parent they want to live with.

I worry about the lack of supervision.

Just keep being the warm fun family home where she will want to be, sheís learning her dad isnít really interested in her.


Trust it will work out.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/30/20 09:14 PM

Iím kind of lost. It bounces back and forth between it being Disney world over there and miserable.

You paint so many different pictures.

Whatís your daughters reality? What does she say to you? Are you just making up things in your mind that she is so much happier having her own room and gifts? Or is she actually happier being a family and having food on the table.

What is her reality? What has she expressed to you?
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/30/20 09:22 PM

Kml, Iím not arguing your point and maybe Iím confused or missed something, but I didnít think the court was involved yet so at this point, kas DOES have the ability to make her move. Now, once the court makes a rule she wonít. And I actually kind of get kasí reluctance to make her move now as it would certainly cause some possibly unnecessary upheaval, but Iím getting the same vibe Ginger is. One post says D14 wants to live with kas and the next one says she refuses to live with kas because her dad provides her her own room and buys her stuff. Like I said, though, maybe Iím wrong and maybe there is a legal reason she canít make her move. It seems like a tough situation for everyone.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/30/20 11:59 PM

Still thinking about what yíall are saying....

H and I are polar opposites when it comes to parenting and money. He worked a lot so didnít have much to do with parenting and I handled the money. Yes I paid for a life we couldnít afford but I kept it within a range I could juggle.

Heís free now to spend money on whatever he wants. D14 gets to eat out all the time, got a new iPhone, boutique clothes, a Nintendo switch, etc. We had this life before and she doesnít want to give it up. I truly understand that because I miss it too. Heís gone most of the time but he buys her stuff. If she moves he will stop.

I think the pain of losing stuff is greater than the pain of being left alone with an empty fridge. Sheíd rather eat McDonaldís at 11pm than give up the toys that all her friends have. We ran in the upper middle class and now Iím in the working class. Android over iPhones. Small house over a McMansion. Thrift stores over boutiques. Ragu over going out to eat at a trendy Italian restaurant. I no longer live in the best school district.

Donít get me wrong she is miserable but at least she has her toys. My older 2 kids are more grounded. Theyíd rather have family than stuff. I think D14 being the baby also factors into this.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 05/31/20 10:55 AM

You are again assuming what her thought process is.

Have you actually asked her where she prefers to live? Has this conversation been had?

ďD14, as we go through this divorce, I want to make sure you have a safe and happy home. Custody will have to be worked out and at your age, you have a say. Can you tell me what would be acceptable to you? I want to take your preferences into consideration as your father and I move forward in divorceĒ
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/02/20 03:49 PM

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Have you actually asked her where she prefers to live? Has this conversation been had?

ďD14, as we go through this divorce, I want to make sure you have a safe and happy home. Custody will have to be worked out and at your age, you have a say. Can you tell me what would be acceptable to you? I want to take your preferences into consideration as your father and I move forward in divorceĒ


Yes we've had this conversation numerous times. The final answer is she wants to live with him.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/02/20 05:19 PM

As I face the reality of my situation I'm in a somber mood and could really use some cheering up. I made so many assumptions about alimony completely glossing over the part where it's just meant to keep me from being destitute. My states unemployment rate is 15% right now so I prefer to keep wishful thinking out of the discussion.

I have faith that I'll be okay. My widowed grandmother lived in a shack. Her adult kids would bring her food and they helped out financially. She was happy. The difference between us is her husband didn't take his $8k a month income and his $500k trust fund to go be with OW. The injustice of this is a bitter pill to swallow.

Here is what I need reassurance on today.

I'm setting boundaries that I don't want to hear what he's doing anymore but before now I have heard he looks sick. He spends every waking moment with the OW but isn't happy because his divorce fantasy didn't include losing D17. He doesn't like paying me either but that will end.

He's not a happy person in general. He's not even a good person despite pretending to be one. His parents (and mine) were miserable. If I were not doing the work the rest of my life would be unhappy too.

The money is tough. Serious financial struggles and happy or live with a miserable person with money?
Posted By: kml

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/02/20 08:08 PM

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The money is tough. Serious financial struggles and happy or live with a miserable person with money?


No contest, take the financial struggles with happiness! You are a smart woman and can find your way through the financial issues.

If you haven't looked at it yet btw, check out the Mr Money Website blog and forum. Good stuff.

Also, have you started thinking about a side hustle you could start?

You like to imagine the bleakest future for yourself but you will not be in that position if you take control of your finances now. You make enough money to live and you will have social security when you retire - not enough, but more than many. You still have time to save something for retirement and you are creative enough to make a rich life with ingenuity even if money is tight. I have lived as a poor student (for MANY years and with no financial support) and have lived in a wealthy town on my ex's surgeon salary. The differences were not that great because I always had control of my money and stayed out of debt. The extras are nice but they're not what life is about. My ex has a lot more money than I do now, but he feels much poorer because he doesn't have my financial skills and he has too many wants.

Will your oldest two have jobs this summer? It would be great for them to start earning their own money and contributing. If that's not possible this summer then maybe encourage them to start some kind of side hustle themselves.

You can do this! You are a strong, capable woman.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/02/20 08:10 PM

You know what? It doesn't matter. Changes absolutely nothing.

D17 just posted a political rant against H (remember he's a racist). Its on her private account and she will take it down but dang. Everything she posted was true recent events have outraged her and now it's personal. The amount of rage she has towards him is unbelievable.

In other news....kittens. We got 2 kittens on Friday. 6 weeks old, a pound each, absolutely adorable. Already lap cats, they meow back at us when we talk to them, playful, total entertainment oh and they like to watch tv. smile
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/02/20 08:11 PM

Thanks kml I know I'm whining. I try so hard not to whine. Trying to be positive. It's just hard.
Posted By: kml

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/02/20 09:00 PM

BTW - there's a great free online financial calculator that is very simple to use but allows you to map out various retirement scenarios. It's called the Ultimate Retirement Calculator from Financial mentor. It allows you to easily play around with various scenarios and assumptions. I started using it 11 years ago when my ex left. Now I'm a lot closer to retirement and I still use it to map out my options. What happens if I wait until 70 to take social security? What if i retire earlier but work part time? You can input different retirement incomes with different start dates, with or without inflation adjustments (my pension doesn't adjust for inflation but my social security will) etc.

It can give you an idea of what you need to do (in terms of increasing income or decreasing expenses) to have a chance at a good retirement. Deal with facts not fears.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/02/20 09:50 PM

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No contest, take the financial struggles with happiness! You are a smart woman and can find your way through the financial issues.


I believe I'll be happier once I reach indifference but that was also when I thought I'd have enough money to live on.

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You like to imagine the bleakest future for yourself but you will not be in that position if you take control of your finances now. You make enough money to live


Without child support or alimony I have $100 left on a good day (just me not the kids). This is with me moving to the ghetto. That's why I said once the kids move out I'd rent a room somewhere. Maybe if I saved for 15 years (I'd be 75) I could almost pay cash for a small, older house. You know the kind of house H wouldn't be caught dead in. Trying so hard to have faith that I'll have a happy life without money.

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The differences were not that great because I always had control of my money and stayed out of debt. The extras are nice but they're not what life is about. My ex has a lot more money than I do now, but he feels much poorer because he doesn't have my financial skills and he has too many wants.


H feels poor ALL THE TIME. I never understood it, still don't. He whines now and I'm like seriously?? He says I rat hole money. Translation I'm good with money. lol

Quote
ill your oldest two have jobs this summer? It would be great for them to start earning their own money and contributing. If that's not possible this summer then maybe encourage them to start some kind of side hustle themselves.


Our kids all took advanced classes (time consuming) so we wanted them to focus on their education. Yeah that's over. S19 has a very part time job but it's enough that he could at least pay for his own gas. D17 just started selling clothes online (she's a talented thrifter). She used this money to pay for prom (yeah that didn't happen), clothes, the occasional pizza, etc. Every little bit helps.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/03/20 08:58 PM

kml,

I'm not going to get my hopes up. Not going to do it just giving facts but two of my coworkers used the attorney I hired. They said they got some of the pension and we're all on the same pension plan (gov't). It's protected from a court order but the judge can order H to pay it out of what he gets. My attorney is super expensive but they say she will get me back what I paid in legal fees in a settlement. My boss (knows everyone) has been doing some investigating for me and says he hasn't heard one bad word about her other than she's expensive.

I don't need a lot but I think it's incredibly unfair that I gave up my career (15 years) and he gets to waltz out after 29 years for OW leaving me with barely enough money to rent anything. I understand I'll have a lot less money than him, I get I'll have to work until I'm 75, I understand my lifestyle just got blown to smithereens but seriously?

I'm NOT complaining I'm not because I know women personally who were left homeless after their husbands left them for OW. Houses went into foreclosure, wives/kids became squatters, no heat, no income, no food. I hope these men get incurable diseases and suffer painful, horrifying deaths. What kind of monster cares more about OW than feeding his own children? Oh wait I'm kinda still married to someone hovering at this league of neglect. If H didn't care about his reputation with his kids he'd have stopped paying once the lease was up. Gotta keep that credit score up for all that debt he's going to rack up.

I'm in a pretty good mood today. No idea why. I felt good before I got this news. Sometimes when I feel good I look around and try to tie it to something so I can do it again and again and again. Doesn't work that way but I still try. lol
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/08/20 03:39 PM

This weekend was rough. Was working on my expenses for my attorney and I started fretting again, feeling bitter about the injustice of this.

My thoughts went dark until I remembered what S19 told me. S19 has a friend that he hasn't seen in a year. I'm not close to the family at all but I do know them. The mom makes a ton of money and I think this is her 2nd marriage. Her current husband has also been married before. They have this massive house, 5 new cars in the driveway and a bright shiny new ski boat. They appeared to be living the dream.

Anyway this friend said his family had gone "insane". I'm thinking it's just an expression until S19 went over there. He also said "insane" and said he felt awful just being there. Guess all the "stuff" isn't all that after all.
Posted By: kml

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/08/20 07:48 PM

Yup. I knew a lot of wealthy people when I was married and lived in La Jolla, They were not any happier for it. Money only helps up to the point that it keeps the wolf from the door - I think in a study it showed that happiness doesn't increase with money above a family income of $75,000.

Plus -the other thing I learned living in that neighborhood is that just because people have the trappings of wealth, doesn't necessarily mean they're not drowning in debt. People can overspend their incomes even when those incomes are quite large.

Happiness comes from having CONTROL over your spending and finances (resourceful people can live better on less). It also comes from having good relationships, from job satisfaction, and from mastery (like art, music, hobbies and skills of various kinds).

My ex makes considerably more than I do (even now, when he's restricted to just his pension) yet I am the one who still has been able to help our son financially while he claims he can't. This is because I live in a less expensive (but actually nicer) house in a less pricey neighborhood, I take less expensive vacations (although I have still traveled), I don't spend as much on meals out and the like. If needed, I could save even more in the future (my grocery bill is higher than what I can do when I need to, I could buy things second-hand that I currently purchase new, etc.).

Helping your kids learn how to be resourceful and how to have fun without having to spend money are invaluable life lessons.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/08/20 10:39 PM

H went to therapy today. I know this because his flex card was declined and it's tied to my email account. I know this therapist because I'm the one who found her 4 years ago for him. At first it made me happy to see his money mistakes but this one stung. I'll block it now. He went because of D14 but I can't think about that.

He guilt tripped S19 into going camping this week for TWO nights. S19 hates camping. Last year S19 went ONCE and that was the end of that. That camping trip wasn't even over yet and H was trying to get S19 to commit to the NEXT trip. It made me remember when I used to do that. Clinging to these moments, anxious to repeat them because it's the only way I knew how to bond. It was all about me not them.
Posted By: kml

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/08/20 11:07 PM

In my ex's case, it was about narcissism - he would gladly take everybody to do the things that HE was interested in doing, but had little patience for doing anything that wasn't to his taste. For instance - he would take all three LITTLE kids camping by himself when I worked weekends - because that's something he loved - but going to Disneyland with them he hated and almost never did, that was my job. (It's only an hour away and we only went once a year, but he whined and complained so much he practically ruined it for me.) He never ever would play a video game with our oldest Aspie son, or go to the gym with me (outdoor exercise ONLY for him!). But he was bitterly disappointed that I couldn't learn to surf (despite trying many times, and despite learning to ski, snowboard and rock climb to please him.). Our youngest son composes music but because it's not his cup of tea (electronic music) he couldn't even bother to pretend to appreciate it.

However, your S19 is old enough to express his opinion. If he went willingly camping, maybe he will like it more this time - or maybe he will accept that it's what it takes to get any quality time with his dad. If not, he'll be more sure in his decision to decline next time.

(BTW - funny story about the camping: Ex would take all 3 kids under 5 in our little hatchback out to a desert camping spot by himself. One time the toddler had a diaper blowout and pooped all over the tent lolol! This should have been a clue as to ex's manic tendencies but I didn't pick it up at the time.)
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/09/20 12:20 AM

kml,

My H is the same way. Camping yes. Disneyland no. Video games no. Gym yes but treadmill only. Nothing kid related like cartoons or toys. Meme's no. Funny videos no. Homework no. School activities no. He'd show up but he hated it.

S19 has hated camping forever. Told me yesterday the only reason he is going because he couldn't say no. S19 goes once and then it's easier for him to say no. It's sort of his compromise.

Now this is what is INSANE. He convinced me that he was the "fun" parent and I believed him.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/09/20 03:36 PM

Originally Posted by kas99
H went to therapy today. I know this because his flex card was declined and it's tied to my email account. He went because of D14 but I can't think about that.

Good news, right? You said his relationship with D14 is rough. His doing self-work is an excellent way to up his parenting--so your kids benefit from a happier and healthier father.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/09/20 10:41 PM

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by kas99
H went to therapy today. I know this because his flex card was declined and it's tied to my email account. He went because of D14 but I can't think about that.

Good news, right? You said his relationship with D14 is rough. His doing self-work is an excellent way to up his parenting--so your kids benefit from a happier and healthier father.


Ha ha....nope I was wrong. He doesnít even know about D14 so something else isnít going well if heís willing to pay big bucks for therapy. This gal isnít cheap and she doesnít take insurance.

Heís camping for the entire week which also means things arenít going well.

What? New life got you down? Donít fret I hired a good attorney this time youíll be free of me in no time.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/09/20 10:42 PM

Hired a new attorney last Monday and have a discovery hearing scheduled for July 6th.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/09/20 10:45 PM

Does it matter why he went? This is going to sound harsh but this is what Iíve been saying all along. Stop worrying about what heís doing and why. You were so convinced it was D14 and now you say it isnít. Your worrying about what heís doing all the time is not going to help you move forward and THAT should be your focus. You expend way too much energy thinking and worrying about someone who absolutely doesnít deserve it.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/09/20 10:56 PM

i Could be wrong of course. Therapy could be to enhance his relationship with the OW (he went to her for me) and camping is his favorite thing to do. Itís just a vacation.
Posted By: kml

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/09/20 11:25 PM

Not your circus, not your monkeys. He's fired you from the job of worrying about him.

Focus on the fantastic, happy, successful life you are planning for yourself.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/10/20 12:16 AM

Kml,

I feel crazy today. Like bad crazy.
Posted By: kml

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/10/20 02:14 AM

Gaslighting will do that to you. Focus on your life.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/10/20 05:30 PM

Originally Posted by kml
Gaslighting will do that to you. Focus on your life.


I continue to question whether I was gaslit into insanity or I'm truly crazy. There are times when I think I wasn't always like this or was I?

I was 19 years old and my car was leaking gas, fixed it on my own. Now I'm afraid to hang a curtain rod.
Used to travel for a living and now I'm afraid to be in my front yard.
I was 15 years and drove a stick shift. S19 buys one, I drive it immediately but cannot go on a real road.
Been camping since I was a baby but had panic attacks camping with H.

Maybe I'm just idealizing the past I don't know.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/10/20 05:32 PM

Last night I felt INSANE like literally nuts. Barely made it through the grocery store and it took Ativan to calm me down. This can't be all divorce related can it???
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/11/20 01:37 PM

H is telling D14 that he did all the parenting because I was too "crazy". My father told me he had to do all the parenting because my mother was too "stupid". H leaves D14 at home all the time telling her "you're handling the divorce really well". My father let me do whatever I wanted telling me "I'm raising adults not kids".

**no lectures please - I'm trying to figure out how to handle this without alienating D14. H is NOT on my side**

H went out of town (camping) and left D14 home alone. She texted him at 7pm and he didn't answer until 10am the next morning. D14 was upset over getting dumped by her boyfriend so this was a perfect storm. She invited some random guy over and had her first kiss. She brought a girlfriend (who hid in H's bedroom) in case she got raped. D14 wasn't going to tell me but D17 talked her into it stating that I wouldn't yell at her (I didn't).

My support class is supposed to start up next week, my first IC appt isn't until July 13th (new patient) and I will discuss all of this with my attorney.

My mother wasn't safe so I didn't talk to her plus my father turned me against her. I've lived this life and I'm trying to do things differently since I know what doesn't work. My mother couldn't have stopped me but I would have listened to her as long as she didn't lecture me. I would have spent time with her if she were nicer. She did have some influence just not as much as she would have liked. She couldn't leave and I get that now.
Posted By: kml

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/11/20 03:46 PM

This is just the beginning of what can go wrong with an unsupervised 14 year old girl. So dangerous.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/11/20 04:19 PM

Originally Posted by kml
This is just the beginning of what can go wrong with an unsupervised 14 year old girl. So dangerous.



I know because I lived it. I watched my sister live it. Thank you for not lecturing me. It's real easy for people online to tell me what to do because they aren't living with this. They don't have to face the consequences of wrong decisions. She almost didn't tell me what happened. That's where my line is right now. She came over, took my hands, hugged me and told me what happened. I'm kinda in but it's not stable....yet. This is my kid who keeps to herself and I can't help her if she shuts me out. I think D17 is trying to help her by encouraging D14 to talk to me and I'll take all the help I can get.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/11/20 04:36 PM

If you lived it and watched your sister live it, break the cycle and donít watch your daughter live it. No, I donít know how to do that because Iím not a qualified therapist or mental health professional in any way. No, that isnít a lecture, but an observation. Kml is right, such a dangerous situation and a very slippery slope.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/11/20 06:50 PM

Originally Posted by Dawn70
If you lived it and watched your sister live it, break the cycle and donít watch your daughter live it. No, I donít know how to do that because Iím not a qualified therapist or mental health professional in any way. No, that isnít a lecture, but an observation. Kml is right, such a dangerous situation and a very slippery slope.


Dawn I thought I had beaten it. Thought H was different, thought we'd have a different life and yet here I am. Last night I was hanging out with the girls and it felt like I was in the twilight zone. I'd been transported back in time having a conversation with a 14 year old me. Surreal. I'm even living 4 doors down from the house I grew up in. My estranged mother is still there I've seen her.

My mind is completely blown.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/11/20 07:10 PM

Originally Posted by Dawn70
If you lived it and watched your sister live it, break the cycle and donít watch your daughter live it. No, I donít know how to do that because Iím not a qualified therapist or mental health professional in any way. No, that isnít a lecture, but an observation. Kml is right, such a dangerous situation and a very slippery slope.


I'm not one to make quick decisions. I know the path, the timeline, the ages and so I've got a little bit of time to think this through strategically. I hired a new attorney last week, found a new therapist, my support group is starting back up next week and while I have no freaking idea what to do I'm not giving up.

The one thing I can say that is different is the relationships between me and my girls. It is NOTHING like what I had with my parents. They are at least confiding in me which to me is a good start.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/11/20 07:47 PM

I could seriously use a little help from the universe, a guardian angel, God, higher power something because the deck is presently stacked against me. He is not abusing her in anyway that the good folks here in the dumbest state would care about and if the judge asked her today who she wants to live with she'd say him. As of right now I've got nothing.

I was friends with a social worker and she had to get out of it because she couldn't take it anymore. They wouldn't remove kids from the most disgusting, dangerous situations (on going sexual abuse). Compared to those stories D14 is living like a princess.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/11/20 11:43 PM

Hi Kas99,

Originally Posted by Kas99
He is not abusing her in anyway that the good folks here in the dumbest state would care about.. I was friends with a social worker and she had to get out of it because she couldn't take it anymore. They wouldn't remove kids..


Option #1 - Honey - You could call your ex-H and tell him you miss D14, so it would mean the world to you if he dropped D14 off when he left overnight. I recall many times while you maintained NC, Ex-H tried to do nice things for you. Guilt? I get you hate the idea of interacting with him, but it's for D14, not for you.

Option #2 - Vinegar - You could call Child Protective Services. I agree, they prefer correction to removal. The outcome may be no problem found or maybe they disallow him from leaving her home alone overnight. You don't need to predict the outcome. You simply file a claim and let them figure it out.

Personally, I suspect HONEY will do more for you than VINEGAR, but these are two options.

(Beyond, of course, asking a judge for 50% custody of D14.)
Posted By: kml

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/12/20 02:24 PM

I doubt CPS will do anything about a 14 year old being left alone, they have much worse to deal with. I think your best hope is to get closer to her so you can convince her to move back in with you. And you keep having talks with her about self-esteem, safety etc. Sheís practically asking for boundaries.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/12/20 09:59 PM

Maybe her local CPS is overworked and would ignore a complaint about D14 being left alone frequently, overnight, and often without food. It doesn't cost much time to file a complaint. CPS helped with my ex-wife (and parents).

I think simply asking him, "I miss D14. It would mean the world to me if you'd let her stay with me when you're away overnight." is simplest. What are her odds of success? 50%? That's huge when the cost is a 5-minute text. If ongoing texting is too painful, she could ask him to text her S or have D14 text her.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/26/20 04:22 PM

Quote
Option #1 - Honey - You could call your ex-H and tell him you miss D14, so it would mean the world to you if he dropped D14 off when he left overnight. I recall many times while you maintained NC, Ex-H tried to do nice things for you. Guilt? I get you hate the idea of interacting with him, but it's for D14, not for you.


I can go get D14 anytime I want without talking to him the issue is SHE would rather stay at home. She's on a bad path and there isn't much I can do to stop it other than being here for her. CPS has way bigger things to deal with and the judge will side with D14 (almost 15). Even if I got custody she'd hate me for it. Right now she's talking to me about the bad stuff and I'd rather have that then to have her shut me out too.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/26/20 04:25 PM

Originally Posted by kml
I doubt CPS will do anything about a 14 year old being left alone, they have much worse to deal with. I think your best hope is to get closer to her so you can convince her to move back in with you. And you keep having talks with her about self-esteem, safety etc. Sheís practically asking for boundaries.



It's gotten a lot worse so yes I'm focusing on self esteem and safety. I don't see her ever living with me. She's got unlimited freedom now and guilt driven gifts. Why would she ever give that up?
Posted By: HaWho

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/26/20 09:52 PM

Kids eventually see though being bribed.

Upon move out my ex went the Disney dad route with my older son. On days I asked my son to clean his room, he would pitch a fit and have his dad pick him up! My ex did it even though I explained the situation and asked him not to allow s to manipulate us to get out of chores. My ex told me his house was always open to s; huh? To get out of chores?

This kind of nonsense went on for a while. I realize now ex felt guilt because he was already (secretly) engaged to his mistress and he was going the buddy vs. dad route to assuage his guilt. He wanted a to be ok with new mistress.

It went on until the final time where I ignored it all completely. S ran to daddy to get out of chores. I did not reach out at all. Ex texted me I needed to apologize to s in order for him to come back. Huh?!?! Ignore. Another text from ex saying s would not return without me apologizing for asking him to do his chores. Ignore. I fully expected s to live with dad. Things seemed easy there.

S returns days later. I act as if. That night s asks to talk. He cries and says he wants a better relationship with me. I told him start doing your chores and stop using your dad to get out of it. Never had another issue.

Kids feels loved where they are safe and there are guard rails. They see through it eventually. And trust me, they donít respect being used as pawns.

I live a much, much simpler life by choice than my ex and this same s now chooses to be here more on exís time.

Be the parent and you cannot go wrong. They see the truth eventually.
Posted By: JujuB

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/27/20 11:44 AM

great post hawho. They say kids seek out structure and discipline. Your ex sounds legitimately nuts. Glad your son has you.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/30/20 02:17 PM

Stbx had to put our dog down Friday. D17, who hasn't seen him in over a year, went with him. She refused to look at his face and hated seeing him. She remembers him calling her a little beotch not that long ago. She said he kept saying he's sorry and honestly I'm not sure what for. On the way back from the vet both girls were sobbing and he's trying to reach D17 by making small talk. She was livid. Her dog just died and he's making it all about him.

Later he sent S19 a picture of the dog, not dead just a picture. S19 showed it to me and asked "why did he do this?" Again the only answer I have is that he's making this about him. S19 said it was a banner day for stbx. He got rid of one of the pets he no longer wants and he got to see D17. Win/win.

D17 said he's totally gray headed and that even his arm hair is gray now. Weird. Stress?? He looked great last July.

BTW My support hearing is in 6 days.
Posted By: kml

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/30/20 03:34 PM

Sorry about your dog.
Yes, the gray hair can be stress. It's stressful being a bigoted angry man. Don't let it gain your sympathy.

Hope your support hearing goes well. Stay calm and unemotional during it. It almost never turns out well for women who get "hysterical" - i.e. show their emotions - during a hearing. Don't let him push any buttons.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 06/30/20 06:57 PM

Originally Posted by kml
Sorry about your dog.
Yes, the gray hair can be stress. It's stressful being a bigoted angry man. Don't let it gain your sympathy.

Hope your support hearing goes well. Stay calm and unemotional during it. It almost never turns out well for women who get "hysterical" - i.e. show their emotions - during a hearing. Don't let him push any buttons.


No sympathy from me it's these little things that help me when I'm 6 days from court.

This might just be another motion which means I won't have to be there. See my last attorney messed everything up so now we have to go before the judge to get an extension. This is for disovery.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 07/01/20 07:19 PM

His attorney agreed to whatever mine was trying to do so I don't have to go to court. My attorney told me not to worry and to have a great weekend.
Posted By: kml

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 07/01/20 07:37 PM

YAY!!! Happy Independence Day!
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 07/13/20 05:16 PM

Had a major setback this weekend. The pain hit and every trigger was magnified. I know a lot of it is due to the actual divorce being underway. I haven't seen or spoken to him in a year and I'd really like to keep it that way. I've spent $1k so far just cleaning up the mess my last attorney made. I'm now back on track and have $9k before I run out of cash. We're now in discovery and no news yet.

Oh and then there's COVID. School is scheduled to start in a few weeks and well won't that be fun. People aren't taking this seriously so cases are climbing. My boss is on vacation in Florida as I type this. Why???
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 07/17/20 06:31 PM

Oof. $1k to "clean up a mess" is painful. $9k is far more than I spent on a D. Should be plenty as long as you're either asking for what the court typically gives or what you two can agree to.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 07/20/20 03:09 PM

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Oof. $1k to "clean up a mess" is painful. $9k is far more than I spent on a D. Should be plenty as long as you're either asking for what the court typically gives or what you two can agree to.


Hired a new attorney 7 weeks ago and its ON now. Stbx is angry now that he knows why I hoarded cash. Angry that I lawyered up and he's getting hammered with lets get this done motions. S20 hates him because he won't shut up about it. My old attorney was bad, worse than I thought, and now stbx knows I have hired someone new. I hope $10k is enough. Please let that be enough....
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 07/20/20 11:31 PM

Hi Kas99,

Originally Posted by kas99
he's getting hammered with lets get this done motions. I hope $10k is enough. Please let that be enough....

I'd be curious if "hammering" him with motions accomplishes anything more legally than a single notice. A single motion to expedite was enough in my case to trigger a court hearing. Maybe worth asking? If your attorney has 4/5-star reviews, and they know cost is a key consideration for you, I wouldn't worry too much.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 07/21/20 02:13 PM

Quote
I'd be curious if "hammering" him with motions accomplishes anything more legally than a single notice. A single motion to expedite was enough in my case to trigger a court hearing. Maybe worth asking? If your attorney has 4/5-star reviews, and they know cost is a key consideration for you, I wouldn't worry too much.


My last attorney messed everything up so it's taken 6+ motions to get the D back on track and stbx gets overwhelmed easily. I filed back in November, he found out in March and the whole thing stalled. I know stbx and he probably assumed I chickened out like I did before. He stuck his head back in the sand and went back to his regularly scheduled life. I hired a new attorney and now he knows I'm serious about getting this done. He's not doing well.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 07/21/20 03:12 PM

He's not doing well because he "might" have to pay more than he is now and the cash isn't flowing as much as it was. He spent instead of saving so he's not ready for this. He thought when he walked out that the D would only cost $250 and he wouldn't have to pay me anything so he's just mad.

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of NC, 15 months since the BD. Still can't believe I'm getting a divorce after 30 years together and while I'm incredibly sad life is surprisingly better without him in it.
Posted By: kml

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 07/21/20 03:57 PM

Glad to hear your attorney is on it. I never understood why you didn't have an order for temporary support right from the start.
Posted By: kas99

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 07/21/20 04:22 PM

Originally Posted by kml
Glad to hear your attorney is on it. I never understood why you didn't have an order for temporary support right from the start.


I tried to "nice" him back so I cancelled the hearing scheduled right after he left. Held onto hope until he cancelled the lease. I knew in my gut at that point that there was someone else and she was confirmed a couple months later. I filed the next day but that attorney was inept and I don't like confrontations. Took me a while to get mad but I like to believe everything happens for a reason so waiting actually benefited me.
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 08/07/20 02:43 AM

Hey Kas99,

Howís life going?

Howís your detachment going (not caring if lifeís going swell or mediocre for your ex)?
Posted By: CWarrior

Re: Made it a year - part 4 - 10/09/20 07:42 AM

Hey Kas,

It's been a couple months. I hope no news is good news. Take care!
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