https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2893241&page=11Dawn,
I suspect that people who don’t know you very well see you as a very put together person.
I'm more put together now than I was with H. Weird right?
Is this a part of the past issues from your early years?
I've been in and out of IC for 20 years due to childhood trauma. By the time I figured out H wasn't good for me I had little kids that I wouldn't leave.
I actually happen to totally agree with what Ginger said because it seems like if you aren’t focusing on H, you are ok, but if you let your mind run away with you, your mood tanks quickly when you perceive he is happier, better off, etc.
So he did what I wouldn't do. Leave. You'd think this would solve all my problems but sadly that's not how this works. I knew even I had been the one to leave I'd have to feel the pain that I've been running from my entire adult life. The pain is intensified when yes I perceive he is happier and better off.
I think you have the ability to be a strong, independent woman just working and raising her kids, but I don’t get the sense you believe that, which is why you’re so concerned with what H has and is or isn’t doing.
You are correct I don't believe this and this goes back to childhood wounds as well. I keep looking for quick fixes out of this mess (and I fighting back tears as I type this) there isn't one. I went 100% no contact 9 months ago for ME. He wanted me gone but would text just enough to keep me hooked. He had to go. If I had it my way he'd move 1,000 miles away and I'd know absolutely nothing about him.
And, I know I made this suggestion before, but I’ll make it again. Don’t engage your kids in discussions about him. They are all old enough to have their own relationships with him that are completely independent of you (or NOT have relationships if they choose not to).. If he upsets one of them, listen and validate, but try not to internalize it. Focus on changing how you respond and see if that doesn’t help your spiraling.
Engaging them in discussions brings me intense pain. I don't want to talk about him at all. As far as I'm concerned he's dead to me but we share kids so for now I'm stuck hearing about him and it hurts. A LOT. Then I spiral.
Your kids have you and they love you, so just love and support them. I fully realize it is nearly impossible to keep the kids from talking about H but maybe just try to keep it to the bare minimum. Maybe I missed something and I’ll admit, I didn’t go way back in your threads before you came here, but I’m not sure why the dinner thing was such a big deal. Your son went and you assumed he’d eat dinner there because of time, but he didn’t. So when he gets home and hasn’t eaten, fix him a sandwich and roll on. I’m sure I’m missing something that makes it more than that but from this outside perspective it really is that simple.
Do I just tell them that I don't want to hear about him? Let them vent when he hurts them but other than that stay out of it? Neutral? Change the subject? Leave the room? Self preservation? That's it isn't it?
We'd just moved and our cable went out. I told S19 that the modem was in H's name and he needed to remove it from his account. I was full on ready to run to best buy to avoid dealing with H but S19 was trying to save me money. H is a complete idiot and kept insisting that the cable was in HIS name. No just the modem. Texting wasn't working so H called S19 and I ran to my room to avoid hearing H's voice. H, being the idiot that he is still couldn't comprehend English and I felt trapped by both of them. I'm 5 months from BD (not doing well at all) so I grabbed my car keys and ran to walmart. S19 and probably H got the hint. Go away.
On dinner. A few months back S19 made last minute dinner plans with H and I was livid. Blasted S19 before gathering all the facts. S19 didn't do anything wrong it was all H. Yesterday S19 said he didn't eat with H to avoid a repeat of that night. Making him food wasn't the issue it was me feeling bad.
You are NOT a bad mother so you really need to work to get that out of your head.
Part of why H wasn't good for me is that he convinced me I was a bad mother. Right now he's waiting for me to fail so the kids will want to live with him. He's completely delusional I get it but his words are still embedded in my brain.
I left work at 11am today. My mood was down and I'm tired. It's true I do better when I don't know anything about H. In the past 2 weeks I got his settlement offer, found out the OW isn't the dept skank, she's not a cop but did work with him. I'm begging people at work to stop talking about her. No good can come from me knowing.
Last weekend OW was burning up H's phone and unbeknownst to him D14 was sitting right there reading the texts to D17. H was outside and had left his phone inside. I'm in the living room and ugh I should have walked out. S19 then connected the dots and said the OW calls often. He wouldn't have known this had I kept my mouth shut or left the room before I knew any of it. Now S19 keeps saying the OW is me version 2.0. Same shoes, same purse, same glasses and she's annoying H just like I did (long story).
So yeah I'm not doing well. I do keep messing up no doubt.
24 hours later and I haven’t pulled out of this yet. S19 borrowed Hs hair cut kit but you know um he’s out, won’t be home till later, then he needs to pick up dinner, can’t find it. All lies my kids know where he’s at. They are disgusted by him and all I can think is ugh please make the pain stop.
He thinks he’s being so nice by giving us toilet paper and my favorite brand of beans. The kids just laughed at how stupid he is. I didn’t respond other than a word or two. Kept my nose in a book and tried to ground myself. It isn’t working today.
I saw a book on Amazon today - haven’t read it - but it looked like it might be a good read for you. It was titled How to Kill a Narcissist. About recovering from narcissistic abuse.
As for OW being like you - well, you can rest assured your marriage didn’t break up because you weren’t his “type”. Also he’s already making OW feel desperate too. So stop imagining his life is a bowl of cherries - it’s not. Also stop imagining this was your fault - it’s not.
Focus on creating a happy, adventurous life. Listen to the kids but don’t badmouth your ex to them. And don’t make it about you.
You got this. Fake it til you make it. You’re smart and creative and you’re going to make a cool new life for yourself.
Bear with me talking about this helps.
I saw a book on Amazon today - haven’t read it - but it looked like it might be a good read for you. It was titled How to Kill a Narcissist. About recovering from narcissistic abuse.
My father was a narcissist. I always saw H as the complete opposite as my father but with some distance I'm seeing the similarities. My support leader thinks H is a covert narcissist which does fit. He is 100% a dismissive avoidant and there is some overlap between a covert N and a DA. Regardless both will make you mentally ill in the end. Despite being devastated at BD I did improve with him gone. It was a short lived reprieve and now the pain is back. I've read this is normal when recovering from a trauma bond. I'm adding that book to my reading list now. Thank you so much for the recommendation.
As for OW bring like you - well, you can rest assured your marriage didn’t break up because you weren’t his “type”. Also he’s already making OW feel desperate too. So stop imagining his life is a bowl of cherries - it’s not. Also stop imagining this was your fault - it’s not.
Dismissive avoidants can't function without supply and their targets all have an anxious attachment style. This is their type and it's what S19 is seeing. The honeymoon period with him will be fantastic but once that ends her anxiety will be activated. He's on a pedestal by now and she worships him. You'd think having this much devotion would make him happy but nope. Without non stop reassurance she will get angry A LOT and well that's not fun. No matter how much she tries to stuff it or medicate it (been there done that) it's still there and it will make appearances. On the milder side it's arguments on the extreme it's full on bunny boiler. He will experience both.
Focus on creating a happy, adventurous life. Listen to the kids but don’t badmouth your ex to them. And don’t make it about you.
You got this. Fake it til you make it. You’re smart and creative and you’re going to make a cool new life for yourself.
If I can get over him and get a decent settlement I think I'll be okay. I worry a lot about my future though. I haven't seen my mother in 20 years and I ended up renting a house 4 doors down from her. She appears to be a recluse but I saw her out yesterday. She's lost a lot of weight, walks slow, hunched over and she's only 74. Keep in mind I will have to work until I'm 75 so that image scared the you know what out of me. D17 and S19 said "yes but she's a miserable person and it's aged her". Okay so maybe that's true. My sister is 50 and my kids say she looks 60. I'm 54 and no one believes me. A few strands of gray hair and no wrinkles. My kids say my face looks younger now because I'm not as stressed as I was with H. Yeah he's getting to me but it was worse when I lived with him. This makes no sense does it??
It's possible that he could at some point get lucky and find someone stable but he's not attracted to those women. He may not like the anger or the drama but it's familiar. If I dated right now I'd land another N or an avoidant because I haven't healed yet.
I found this woman's blog yesterday and she discussed how even if you're healing avoidant men will still enter your life as some sort of karmic lesson. So she met this guy and liked him. Despite seeing the red flags and knowing better she continued with the R. Wasn't long before her anxiety was triggered, she started focusing on his life more than hers and they played house way too soon. Luckily she caught it and set some boundaries. She gave him the chance to step up and change but that's too hard so the R ended.
I’m going to give you a scenario and it’s not to sound mean, but to get you to think and perhaps refocus.
You speak of dating another man. Imagine that man was so embroiled in his STBXW’s and everyone of of her moods and emotions set his moods and emotions off and made him spin? Would you want to date a guy who was still so affected by his ex W?
When you stop worrying so much about your H and more about you and your feelings aren’t dependent on him, you will be open to a HEALTHY relationship. Right now, your enmeshment in your ex would not bring a healthy relationship to the table not be fair to the person you are dating.
If you really want a healthy R in the future, you need to keep continuing to get healthy and not have your emotions dependent on your H
Journal entry as I try to get my head straight.
My mother was a doormat who did whatever my father wanted her to do. She had me when she was 20 and I became the target of her anger. You'd think my father beat the system and was happy. Nope. That anger still seeps out even if it's passive aggressive and besides I don't think N's are ever truly happy. To the public my mother was the epitome of a southern belle. She was beautiful, charming, people loved her, but no one knew what she was like behind closed doors. My sister and I called her mommie dearest or the Godmother as in cross her and you'll find a severed horse head in your bed.
I’m going to give you a scenario and it’s not to sound mean, but to get you to think and perhaps refocus.
You speak of dating another man. Imagine that man was so embroiled in his STBXW’s and everyone of of her moods and emotions set his moods and emotions off and made him spin? Would you want to date a guy who was still so affected by his ex W?
When you stop worrying so much about your H and more about you and your feelings aren’t dependent on him, you will be open to a HEALTHY relationship. Right now, your enmeshment in your ex would not bring a healthy relationship to the table not be fair to the person you are dating.
If you really want a healthy R in the future, you need to keep continuing to get healthy and not have your emotions dependent on your H
I'm a year out from BD after 30 years together. We've been together longer than I've been alone and well it's a lot to process kwim?
I talk about R's to remind myself that his isn't all roses and unicorns (I kinda need this right now) not because I want one. I've had a man in my life for 40 years and the thought of having one right now makes my skin crawl. My support leader says this is normal as well as I heal from abuse.
Ginger,
When I talk about dating what I'm really saying is I think I NEED a man to take care of me. The part of me that could charm a man into taking care of me doesn't exist. Also the part that would toss my kids aside for a man doesn't exist either so you see I'm kinda in a pickle. I either resurrect the old me (pass) or I move forward.
1) you need to change that thinking. You don’t need a man to take care of you.
2) there is no reason to ever toss your kids aside for a man. In a healthy relationship, you wouldn’t be tossing your kids aside.
You don’t need a man to take care of you. Drill that into your own head. And having a relationship with another man when you are healthy would never require tossing your kids aside
Move forward alone that is. Yes it's scary to be on my own. I'm terrified but I've come too far to go back now.
So, what did you find your husband provided you with that you cannot provide for yourself? What is it exactly you NEED from a man? Have you actually defined it?
I understand it’s all you’ve ever known and it’s scary. But ask yourself those precise questions . I’m curious with what you come up with
Yes - let go or be dragged!
look, you've already established that your ex is not a nice person and he's not somebody you actually want back in your life - heck, even your kids don't really think much of him.
You need to post a note on your mirror to remind you that when you're feeling this pain it's NOT because you miss him. It's because this is stirring up all your old childhood stuff that you need to heal from.
You also need to repeat positive affirmations EVERY DAY. You have spent SO long telling yourself negative things about yourself that weren't true. You need to start telling yourself positive stuff about yourself. I don't care how ridiculous it feels, just do it. Every morning look in the bathroom mirror and repeat your positive affirmations.
My ex had a very negative voice in his head and it spilled out into criticism onto others. I realized that for me, as a generally happy person, it's the opposite. I might look in the mirror and think "Hmmm, I've gained weight and mt thighs are fat- but hey, now I've got nice boobs! Way to go!" I think I'm realistic but not hard on myself - I generally like myself and feel capable and competent in my life - if anything, I probably read too many Pollyanna-ish stories as a child about plucky heroines triumphing against the odds.
I know it's not easy when the negative patterns imprinted by your family of origin and your STBX are overwhelming you - but you need to start training yourself to say nice things to yourself. to nurture that little child in you who didn't hear the supportive things from the people you should have. You wouldn't talk to your kids the way you talk to yourself, right? So put those positive affirmations up on your mirror and repeat them every day.
And make that vision board and put it where you see it every day! Don't underestimate the power of envisioning a positive future for yourself.
Years ago someone was teaching me to ride a dirt bike motorcycle. His advice was - don't look where you don't want to go. If you stare at the ditch you'll end up in the ditch. Keep your eyes on the path.
Instead of repeatedly envisioning yourself as a bent and impoverished old woman, picture yourself as a confident, athletic, artistic, resourceful woman living a life of love and adventure.
1) you need to change that thinking. You don’t need a man to take care of you.
Ugh what happens when I get old and sick??
2) there is no reason to ever toss your kids aside for a man. In a healthy relationship, you wouldn’t be tossing your kids aside.
Until I get healthy I will absolutely toss my kids aside for an R. I imagine I'm like an alcoholic who can't work in a bar. It would start out innocent enough. A profile on OLD, a couple of dates, land an avoidant who of course love bombs me and before I know I'm no different than H blowing off the kids to feed my own ego.
say You are old and married, but your H gets old and sick and dies first? Then you get sick? What do you do? Go out and find another old and sick man to take care of you?
You have 3 kids. They won’t let you just die. And you should absolutely be preparing for your old age. I work with old sick people. Some who are married, some who are widowed, etc. even the ones who are married, the emergency contact are the kids, grandkids, etc. and I can tell you, preparing properly when you are younger will save your a lot of trouble.
And you are certainly in no place for another R if you could see all of that happening. That shouldn’t even be on your radar now. Getting healthy should be your absolute number one focus .
And make that vision board and put it where you see it every day! Don't underestimate the power of envisioning a positive future for yourself.
Years ago someone was teaching me to ride a dirt bike motorcycle. His advice was - don't look where you don't want to go. If you stare at the ditch you'll end up in the ditch. Keep your eyes on the path.
Instead of repeatedly envisioning yourself as a bent and impoverished old woman, picture yourself as a confident, athletic, artistic, resourceful woman living a life of love and adventure.
D17 and I have made boards on pinterest but we've discussed making actual boards that we see each day. I need more ink and a board of some kind. It would be fun.
I imagine living like my grandmother did one day. She had very little but her health was excellent and the universe always provided. She was happy with whatever she was given. She is my inspiration. I figure if she can do it so can I.....I'm just going to have to work for it I know.
Quote
1) you need to change that thinking. You don’t need a man to take care of you.
Ugh what happens when I get old and sick??
You're more likely to end up caring for an old sick man! (Says the woman caring for a man with stage 4 lung cancer).
Your family and friends are more likely to be there for you than a man at the end of your life anyway. Work on building those close friendships once this lockdown eases. Nurture your children. And remember your ex would have been crap at taking care of you through a terminal illness anyway.
say You are old and married, but your H gets old and sick and dies first? Then you get sick? What do you do? Go out and find another old and sick man to take care of you?
Good point. lol When my kids call me out on things like this I say "true". I concede that in that moment I'm being ridiculous.
You have 3 kids. They won’t let you just die. And you should absolutely be preparing for your old age. I work with old sick people. Some who are married, some who are widowed, etc. even the ones who are married, the emergency contact are the kids, grandkids, etc. and I can tell you, preparing properly when you are younger will save your a lot of trouble.
My current plan is to take care of my health and save, save, save. What else can I do?
And you are certainly in no place for another R if you could see all of that happening. That shouldn’t even be on your radar now. Getting healthy should be your absolute number one focus .
Oh I so should not have anything to do with men right now. lol
Kas, I BEG you to read and really take to heart what Ginger and kml are saying to you. They are wise women with sage advice. You also need to go back and read your responses to them and really think about that. Did you really mean to respond to Ginger that you WOULD throw your kids away for an R or was that a typo and you actually meant you would NOT do that. You need to seriously think about why having a man is important enough to toss your own kids aside. I get that you are still processing and going through your own stuff, but like kml said “let go or be dragged”. The sooner you drop the rope, focus on yourself and your kids and get yourself out of this total doom and gloom hole you keep digging yourself into, the better off you’ll be. You can do for yourself anything a man can do and if you start focusing on a better future now, you won’t have to work until you’re 75 like you keep saying.
By the way, thank you for your responses to my other questions. I appreciate that you took the time to read and respond and I hope you can think about what people are telling you here and regally take it to heart.
Dawn, I believe that what kas meant was that she recognizes it is not a good thing for her to get involved with a man right now because she would be drawn into focusing on him to the detriment of her children. It's a great thing that she acknowledges that and recognizes it and is not trying to date as a result - she's said many times she realizes she needs to work through her stuff first.
Got it! I misunderstood. And totally agree that kas recognizes her need to work through stuff, which I think we can all agree is a good thing that she does. It is all so tough, kas, and you recognize it isn’t easy but will be worth it in the end. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
So, what did you find your husband provided you with that you cannot provide for yourself? What is it exactly you NEED from a man? Have you actually defined it?
I understand it’s all you’ve ever known and it’s scary. But ask yourself those precise questions . I’m curious with what you come up with
I'm going to write this post from a potentially positive point of view.
The biggie was H provided financial security. We were living a life we couldn't afford yes but it was supposed to get better soon. It's possible I'm delusional and he'd just spend everything we made. I have a lot less financial stress now because of this the only difference is if something big came up I had the means to save for it, living in a safe neighborhood was guaranteed and I could retire at age 65.
H provided for me because that was the deal we made 15 years ago. It was a bad decision on my part but what's done is done. If I do pursue another R it won't be out of need.
Dawn, I believe that what kas meant was that she recognizes it is not a good thing for her to get involved with a man right now because she would be drawn into focusing on him to the detriment of her children. It's a great thing that she acknowledges that and recognizes it and is not trying to date as a result - she's said many times she realizes she needs to work through her stuff first.
Yes this is what I meant. I wouldn't intentionally put a man before my kids but the relief from pain would be hard to resist. Until I can be happy alone this risk will exist.
You're more likely to end up caring for an old sick man! (Says the woman caring for a man with stage 4 lung cancer).
Your family and friends are more likely to be there for you than a man at the end of your life anyway. Work on building those close friendships once this lockdown eases. Nurture your children. And remember your ex would have been crap at taking care of you through a terminal illness anyway.
I suffered from a horrific injury a few years ago and H took care of everything but that's not the same as a terminal illness no.
My MIL was sicker (way sicker) than my FIL but no that is not the norm. She had pancreatic cancer and was able to get the whipple. Had that been me I would have opted not to seek treatment beyond pain management. That choice would have meant a whole lot less care and expense. In her case though she did have the means for top notch care which I likely won't have. My coworkers mom has pancreatic cancer (dad already gone). She did seek treatment which has put a burden on her kids which is why I won't do that.
I ordered some ink yesterday so I can make a vision board.
Took S19 to get his hair cut yesterday. He's special needs but due to covid he had to go it alone. We sat in the car for 1.5 hours and that gave me time to walk him through what to do. H would have accused me of coddling him. It seemed to give S19 a boost of confidence and he followed me around the house for several hours afterwards to talk. He's so adorable.
D17 was also chatty so the 3 of us had a good night and it's a night that would have never...ever happened while H was still here. I've been trying to hold onto those memories because when I do it's we are all better off without him.
Today is my birthday and I got texts at 2am from both girls. D17 has her days and nights mixed up so she's usually up until 3-4am. Today she decided to stay up until 7am to wish me a happy birthday in person.
I'm very tired but I'm okay today.
I suffered from a horrific injury a few years ago and H took care of everything
Was he really there for you though? This racist difficult guy, was he the super caring person you would hope for to take care of you in such a situation, or did he just manage to keep things running?
I ask because you have accepted so little from this guy, it's hard to picture him being the companion one would really want at your side during a crisis. And I think you might not know what that kind of loving care would look like?
And stop wandering off into imaginary cancer futures, ok? Should such a terrible thing happen (and hopefully it won't) you will get good care and you and your children will make the best decisions at that time. Stop horribilizing.
BTW my ex was crap at taking care of me when I was sick. Like, if I was sick in bed with the stomach flu, I'd be lucky if he popped his head in once during the day with tea and toast. He never tried to understand what I was struggling with with my Graves disease. And I always assumed that if I ever got a terrible disease like cancer that I wouldn't really be able to count on him.
On the other hand, I know that most of the guys I have dated since my divorce would STILL show up for me if I needed them in a crisis. Just goes to show what we get lulled into accepting in our marriages.
Was he really there for you though? This racist difficult guy, was he the super caring person you would hope for to take care of you in such a situation, or did he just manage to keep things running?
I ask because you have accepted so little from this guy, it's hard to picture him being the companion one would really want at your side during a crisis. And I think you might not know what that kind of loving care would look like?
I went into labor with my 3rd child at 11pm. It was a work night for H so I told him to go to bed. My babies come fast so I was worried. It was incredibly lonely to labor by myself but I didn't want to bother H so I let him sleep. I timed the contractions and kept questioning myself as to when to wake him up. At 3am I couldn't stand the pain anymore so I woke him up. I was 5cm by the time we got to the hospital and I was once again kicking myself for not going sooner because it took a bit to get drugs.
On the bad injury he kept things running but I did make my needs small. There were days when I wouldn't get a shower for 2 days because he had to work. Once I couldn't stand it anymore so I put on a swimsuit so the girls could at least wash my hair. I'm kinda ashamed to admit that I continued to have sex daily with him but it was my idea. I thought he did a good job but maybe I don't know what loving care would look like.
And stop wandering off into imaginary cancer futures, ok? Should such a terrible thing happen (and hopefully it won't) you will get good care and you and your children will make the best decisions at that time. Stop horribilizing.
As you see from my stories I really don't like bothering anyone. I've already researched the top diseases of older people and they are all mostly preventable with diet and exercise. Falls are a big thing and I got a taste of that when I tripped and ended up with a titanium radial head. It about killed me with PT but I got 98% of my range of motion back. I'm proud of how strong I was because omg that hurt.
If today is your birthday...then...Happy Birthday!
Thanks and yes it's my birthday. I only mentioned it because it relates to GAL. My coworkers got me cupcakes but she knows I don't like attention so she discreetly put them on my desk. She's adorable but I have to share so I put them out and am dealing with it. lol
I had the best birthday ever. I get home D17 said she had a surprise for me. She drug me back to her room, opened the door and D14 was here!!!!! I haven’t seen her in 2 months due to covid. Omg!!! I hugged her and just cried. I never cry and it made them happy to see me show emotions. This is all new since BD.
They made dinner and then the subject of driving came up. D14 has been telling H no to going driving for months. I said want to go now? Yes so the 4 of us (even S19) drove to a parking lot for her first driving lesson. So great!!!
D14 called me at midnight to tell me H is angry (knew this was coming) and to get advice on how to handle. First the driving. He's mad because D14 wants me to teach her how to drive since historically that was his job. Problem is I have all the cars and he has this monster truck. D14 also said he's not fun. He told D14 that I go "crazy" when the kids get on a real street. D14 said I'm calmer now and thinks I can handle it.
He then moved onto D17. He's still pushing D14 to get him a video of D17. D14 texted her last night and D17 said "no". H flipped off the phone and called D17 a little beotch. She told D17 he did this via text (I don't think H grasps how close they are). D17 responded by sending a picture back of her middle finger. D14 wisely did not share this picture. H said he's going to stalk D17's social media account if she doesn't give him a video.
H then predictably took it to the next level. He's going to cut her off financially if she doesn't cooperate. Said he wouldn't get her a new phone. D14 tried to explain to him how D17 feels and that he's making it worse. D14 then talked D17 into sending him a crappy video just to placate him so she did. He's putting D14 in the middle of this and it's upsetting her. Told her neither of us can control what he does and to just do the best she can. D14 can't wait until she can move back in with me.
The bad part was having to hear about him. He told D14 that I used COVID as a way to push her away and that I don't want to have anything to do with her. This was all upsetting but I did my best to not let it get to me. D14 knows the truth and that's all that matters.
I think H has an inkling that D14 will move out when/if I get a new place and he's okay with that because he's delusional. Upstairs in his house there are 2 bedrooms, one massive and the other normal sized. His plan is S19 will move in with him and take the bigger room. D14 will move in with me but he will set up the other bedroom for her so she can stay with him overnight. S19 can drive so H will have less responsibility. He knows S19 will drive to my house many nights for dinner and then H will be free to go out.
What H doesn't realize is S19 doesn't want to live with him either. No one wants to live with him. They fear the day when the OW is introduced into the mix and until then he's never home. The kids want a stable, predictable home where they can count on being fed and clothed preferably one where there isn't a boyfriend or girlfriend in the picture.
It’s very sad to read what your kids are going through.
How are you guiding, advising them, and supporting them?
It’s very sad to read what your kids are going through.
How are you guiding, advising them, and supporting them?
Today I feel like crying. I'm overwhelmed, sad and alone. I validated D14 on the phone last night and in person. Reassured her that I was doing everything in my power to fight for her. Have not seen D17 since the whole blackmail thing went down since they were texting while I was talking to D14 and it was midnight. I'll see her at lunch. S19 is just ready for me to move.
I believe H is upset because I served him with divorce papers.
H doesn't want to be married to me he just wants control. He's back complaining to D14 that he gives me a lot of money and that I am hoarding it. D14 said when the OW was calling multiple times H came in and physically pushed D14 away so he could take the call. He's still trying to hide her from the kids.
Oh wait there's more. D14 hadn't been out of the house in months so H took her out one day. He drove her by the home she grew up in. The one with the pool, the perfectly landscaped yard, the one she was proud to bring her friends to. Yeah that one. The one she misses. A LOT. She talks about that house all the time and he drove her there....while she lives in an ick house (by comparison) that smells like cigarette smoke and cat urine. She said it was so cruel.
If things are as bad as you say with D14 and he really is mentaLly and physically abusive, why is she still there? It sounds awful for her . I bet sharing a room at your house would be much better than the torture you describe over there.
That poor girl
If things are as bad as you say with D14 and he really is mentaLly and physically abusive, why is she still there? It sounds awful for her . I bet sharing a room at your house would be much better than the torture you describe over there.
That poor girl
I've tried to get her to move back in with me but she decided it would be easier on everyone if she stayed where she is at. She says she rarely sees him (she's on another floor) and before COVID she was at my house 5-6 days a week. She lives 3 minutes away so I'd pick her up on the way home from work and take her home at bedtime. It's no iideal no but she assured me she was okay. I think it's bad, worse than she says but she's 14 (almost 15) and I can't make her move.
The thing with the pushing was because H left his phone inside and the OW freaked out when she couldn't reach him. To avoid escalation he had to take her call and D14 was in the way.
I can move in September. I just need my lawyer to do what she does best and quickly.
Went home at lunch to check on D17 and she wasn't aware I already knew. She was ready to talk about it too but first kittens. We got pictures of the kittens we will be fostering. The universe knew she needed a happy today.
But back to what happened last night she said she was so angry. Says how dare he flip her off and call her a little B when he's the one who did all this. On the phone he said he wouldn't buy her unless he got a video she said "I don't give a F about the phone". Out of the 3 kids D17 is the only one who can't be bought.
...but kittens. She's focusing on the kittens.
I know right!! I've been so much happier since I got those pictures. I figure if I can't go to my support group...kittens!!
D17 told S19 last night what H had done. S19 said H was the man you looked up to, the one you wanted to be like and now he's a scumbag. S19 said "H doesn't want kids so why does he want us to live with him?" I won't say this but I think it's because he doesn't want me to have them. He was convinced I couldn't live without him, that I'd fall apart, he'd then get the kids and he'd have it all. I bought into his view of me but decided instead to prove him wrong. A year later and I'm still standing. Yes it's hard and I've got a ways to go but it turns out I don't need him as much as I thought I did. Shocking.
I forgot about H for probably an hour. It was amazing. Lol
I continue to read to learn and grow. Today I had an epiphany I think sometimes I analyze H because for me its easier to see his faults and understand them that it is my own. H flipping D17 off and calling her a beotch made me wonder why is he angry? This is a serious question. I mean it was his choice to blow up our lives right? Then it clicked. All suffering and negativity is caused by not accepting reality.
I'm suffering because I haven't accepted that he's gone and that this is my life now. Acceptance is therefore the key to my freedom from negativity and suffering. Wow. Now I just need to work on implementing this. lol
Yup - Buddhist basics - all suffering comes from desire.
Yup - Buddhist basics - all suffering comes from desire.
I want to understand and work towards living this type of life.
D17 is happy and her advice to me is don't think about it (the bad stuff) and be grateful. We've been in this icky rental house for 7 months now. She lost her allowance, we can't eat out, go to the movies, her friends all dumped her, she lost her pets and her sister. Could our lives get any sadder and yet she found things to be grateful for.
I'm a good cook so after we moved I needed to find new things to make. New place, new routine. D17 told me that the highlight of her day was dinner. She'd spend all day at school wondering what delicious meal I was going to prepare that evening. Seriously??? I think I get it now.
We finished the last season of the Money Heist last night (awesome show btw) and she confessed that she thought the professor was hot. She’s a Harry styles guy not a 45 year old man guy. She joked it’s because she has daddy issues now. I just laughed and said welcome to the club there are lots of us.
On happiness what frustrates me is I’ll be perfectly fine sitting all meditative and stuff but as soon as I get up I lose it. Not all the time no but it’s so irritating.
Yeah my ex had a great job as an MD and was making $325k per year when he split 11 years ago. We lived in the high priced beach community he wanted and lived in a modest but beautiful 3 bedroom 60’s ranch with stunning ocean views. He surfed several mornings a week, and took several weeks vacation a year, including ski trips with the family and exotic surf trips to places like Fiji for himself.
But he still found room to be jealous of those around us who had even more. Seriously? We had so much more than most of the world but he still felt entitled to more.
The trick to life is to be content with what you have, not always comparing yourself to others. He never could master that. I bet where you live is a palace compared to where 90% of the worlds population lives.
Yup - Buddhist basics - all suffering comes from desire.
So, so true
But he still found room to be jealous of those around us who had even more. Seriously? We had so much more than most of the world but he still felt entitled to more.
I'm down today. We were living paycheck to paycheck and yes it was stressful. He wanted to get a 2nd job and start a side business but I discouraged this because he already worked long hours. I got a job but he'd already met someone else. He now has a 2nd job and got a promotion.
When we met he had substantial debt which implies dissatisfaction but I thought it just meant bad with money. After we married he accused me of hoarding money. Translation I cut up the credit cards and lowered his lifestyle.
The trick to life is to be content with what you have, not always comparing yourself to others. He never could master that. I bet where you live is a palace compared to where 90% of the worlds population lives.
I juggled money to get him what he wanted and he resented the stress it caused. Had I kept my career would he have stayed?
Yes I live in a palace compared to so many people. It bothers me that for $100 more a month I could have gotten a much nicer house. In hindsight it's probably best I didn't spend anymore money than I had to.
I just emailed my attorney dreading her response because she’s mean. I’m nobody and she certainly doesn’t care about D14. It’s good that she’s mean I just wish she wouldn’t aim it at me. I told her I want alimony before my lease is up (4 months) so I can get D14 back. No she’s not being abused enough to make her move now which makes me fear a lecture. I am angry and will fight for her but it doesn’t mean this won’t upset me.
She didn't answer me quickly which usually means she's stuffed my case to the bottom of the pile but will miraculously have me numbers by tomorrow morning. I didn't threaten her this time so she could just ignore me but that's usually not her mo with me. I've threatened to fire her three times but she always comes through in the 11th hour. She could get me a good settlement with one hand tied behind her back which is why I stay. Did I mention she's mean? Like really mean?
I talk about D17 being happy but I see changes in her that make me nervous. My boss asked if she was a senior next year and I said yes. He asked where was she planning on going to college. Um she's not. I mean maybe she is who knows our main concern is where we will live. Its amazing how everything can change with 4 little words. I want a divorce.
Now is a great time to talk about college and what her future plans are. She should only have to worry about her future the way a 17 year old does. Have you guys sat down and had a talk about what her plans are beyond high school ?
She needs some support and guidance I’m sure.
K,
Please don’t put the weight of your responsibilities on your children. Try to make their lives as normal as possible.
Ya'll are living in a completely different universe than we are. There is no future. We are poor now and the view from down here is way different from where I was when I had access to a 6 figure income and a trust fund. D17 had dreams but they are not going to happen now. You need money for that dream and it's just not there. She doesn't want to go to college anymore. Doesn't care.
6 months ago H kicked us out of our home and we're okay. We laugh at the bugs in our shower, about eating fruit from a can and how we need bricks to get over the swamp outside out backdoor. S19 plays jokes on us and D17 teases him back. Lots of laughter.
Is it better to be happy and poor or miserable with a great future? Only time will tell I guess.
Living in a different world? I don’t come from money. I’ve been supporting myself since 18. My parents split when I was 17 and a senior in high school. So anyone who goes to college has access to a 6 figure income and trust fund? You have got to be kidding me, I’m sorry. You really believe your kids have no future because you all don’t h e a bunch of money? With that attitude they won’t. I took out loans . I paid for alll my own college. My mom didn’t give a poop about my future because she was drowning emotionally in the divorce. My daughter will have to take out loans and start at county college first unless she gets scholarships. I’m going to make sure she knows she can do anything she puts her mind to and I am going to support her all the way.
This post worries me big time. Your daughter doesn’t need tons of money and trust funds to make her dreams come true. She needs her parent to support her dreams and show her that her future isn’t gone.
You should really watch the pursuit of happy ness with Will Smith. It’s a true story. Your kids should watch it too.
This was just heartbreaking to me.
Kas, I’m sorry to be harsh but you are dead wrong. Living in a different world? Hardly! My husband and I make less money together than many here probably do by themselves and we support our house and his mother’s house. I was raised on a farm and not a commodity farm like a dairy or a row crop farm but a beef cattle farm. We worked, scrimped and saved for everything we had. When it was time for me to go to college, we were so poor, I didn’t even have to take out loans...I qualified for grants that didn’t have to be paid back. And then I busted my a$$ when I got there to earn scholarships and keep my grades up so I could get more financial assistance.
I work at a college so I can tell you first-hand there are a ton of programs out there that will help your daughter. The fact that she all of a sudden doesn’t want to pursue the dreams speaks volumes to me about your situation. I think it was LH who said don’t put the weight of adult issues on your kids and it sounds like your daughter is taking the brunt and shoving her own dreams aside. Don’t let her do that, kas! There are MANY avenues she can pursue to follow her dreams and be successful.
I have no doubt you live your kids, but they need you to guide them and help them find a way in this world that is not tied to your divorce woes. Everyone has a future if they go after but for you to say they don’t have one is defeating to them. Like Ginger, reading your post absolutely broke my heart for your kids. They DO have a future and so do you.
LOVE your kids, that should say but I feel like you live for them too.
Anybody here have college aged kids? S19 got a 32 on the ACT and will still owe $20k after attending a community college. I worked my way through college but it cost $600 a semester and now it’s $10k. Thats $40k for a degree who has that kind of cash? Ok so get loans where are the jobs? I work with 2 people with degrees, $40k in debt and they make $13 an hour. One has a teaching degree too.
D17 will be fine and what she wants to do doesn’t require a $40k degree. We were going to send her to NY but that’s not happening. She will probably get a 2 year degree and a grant should cover most of it.
My son got very little scholarship money. His community college is paid for but he will owe once he transfers. This with a 32 on the ACT and a 4.2 gpa. The money isn’t out there. Not now. You need to be a merit scholar or an athlete to get full rides. Depending on how much support I get he might now qualify for grants. S19 is brilliant and we talk about this often. He does not want $20k in debt not realizing how fortunate he is.
D17 had a dream of going to NY for college. Just for 2 years but I think last time I checked it was $60k. She would have loved to go if we paid (which we were) but there’s no way she’s going to go into debt for it. None. I can’t even get her to buy new clothes. Everything she owns is thrifted.
We saw H at Walgreens but he didn’t see us. I darted down an aisle right behind D17. That’s the closest I’ve been to him since July 2019. We hid in the bathroom and texted D14. She said he broke a tooth and was there for pain meds. Well that explains why he wasn’t with the OW.
Anybody here have college aged kids? S19 got a 32 on the ACT and will still owe $20k after attending a community college. I worked my way through college but it cost $600 a semester and now it’s $10k. Thats $40k for a degree who has that kind of cash? Ok so get loans where are the jobs? I work with 2 people with degrees, $40k in debt and they make $13 an hour. One has a teaching degree too.
D17 will be fine and what she wants to do doesn’t require a $40k degree. We were going to send her to NY but that’s not happening. She will probably get a 2 year degree and a grant should cover most of it.
I don’t have a kid in college but that doesn’t mean I’m not aware of things. My nephew just graduated from the same state school I graduated from eons ago. He made a 26 on his ACT and graduated high school with a GPA of 3.7. He made it all 4 years without a loan because he did get grant money and a lot of scholarships. He was neither a scholar nor an athlete. My niece is currently a student at the same university where I work. ACT score of 20, high school GPA of 3.2, scholarships and a little grant money. My sister and brother in law make really good money and yet my niece was still able to procure financial assistance. As I said in my earlier post, I work at a public university, so I work with students on a regular basis on how to get financial aid and scholarships. The money IS there but it does require some work on the part of the student and parents in finding those monies. Many colleges, 2 year schools included, offer work study programs and other financial aid to help defray costs. Many also have a variety of local scholarship funds provided by local, mostly private donors that have less strict requirements than some of the federally-funded programs have. Our university has a foundation supported by private donors that offers scholarship monies to students based on a variety of criteria. Most schools have something similar. We also have a program for students who are first generation college students, which I know exists at other schools across the nation because it is a federally-funded program. Many schools and companies offer paid internships that may result in an actual job after graduation. Yes, student loan debt can be crippling and jobs can be hard to come by but again, they are there if the students look for them.
As far as D17, just because you can’t pay to send her to New York, doesn’t mean she can’t go. And, if you say she’ll get a 2 year degree which will mostly be covered by a grant, then I’m not sure I understand what the problem is. Help your kids focus on their goals and develop strategies for meeting those goals. There is NO reason at all that if your kids want to go to college that they can’t. Just because you don’t still have the financial security you perceived that you had with your H doesn’t mean you can’t help your kids achieve whatever goals they set for themselves. You have talked a lot about your H’s inability to manage money and how you basically kept your joint finances running smoothly. You clearly have good money management skills, so help your kids learn that. Don’t make excuses for them (or for yourself, for that matter) because you have the opportunity right here and right now to teach your children that they can go after whatever they set their mind to. Money is not the be all end all. Sure it helps, but there are plenty of people in this world who do very well for themselves without much money. You keep talking about how poor you are but every time you write that, something you posted awhile back about having a few hundred dollars left at the end of the month sticks in my head. Not everyone has the luxury of having a roof over their heads, food to eat, extra money at the end of the month. Bugs in the shower? Sister, I live in the middle of the woods. Bugs in the shower is a common occurrence. Mud hole in your back door? Is that really the worst thing in the world.
I get that you are going through a terrible time in your life and I feel for you, but you really should try to reframe some things in a more positive light. Focus on the many blessings you do have instead of the things you don’t. Stop trying to keep up with the Joneses. You have children who love you, a roof over your head, food on the table, a job. You also have the unique opportunity to really find and establish yourself in the life YOU have always wanted. You have a bright future ahead if you’ll just focus on the positive.
Las. You literally said your daughter has no future. We all have a future if we chose to. She’s a 17 year old girl about to enter adulthood and that’s the last way she needs to feel and have her mother feel the same way. Just because she can’t go to NYU, doesn’t mean she can’t pursue dreams.
Do sit down with her and talk about her goals and dreams ? And if you do, please don’t tell me you kill them because your H left and the money left.
She needs you. She needs you in so many ways. I know you hurt and have a hard time seeing past your own pain, but if you are going to distract away from that, pour yourself into your kids and their futures. I come to you thread and read how they are so embroiled with the drama with their father. You can be the one to direct attention away from that. What are D 14’s goals? Do you guys talk about all the things she enjoys? Her relationships with her friends and her school work? Any sports or activities they enjoy? S19 seems like a bright kid. How about him? I have a near daily convo with my daughter about school, her friends, activities and even though she is 12, her hopes and dreams.
The greatest gift you can give those kids is the ability to be their age at this time, make sure they realize that they have a hope and a future and the divorce isn’t going to destroy it.
You are not the poorest of poor. You actually have some money left over at the end of the month! And BTW, a whole lot of my coworkers have kids in college. They started doing the research and legwork with their kids to get them off to college. A lot go to state schools. Found grants, scholarships and took out loans. Did not bankrupt themselves. But it took Work. I know a single mom of 2 . Deadbeat dad. She didn’t make much money Her son went to Stamford and her daughter to Dartmouth. And they don’t have to be Ivy League schools.
Please don’t give up on your kids futures. We all want better for our kids than we had, right? I remember my mother did not. She had no GED and a cashier job off the books because she was on disability. She wanted me to be as miserable as she was when my dad left. And I’ll never forget it. I want so much better for my daughter. I want her to be successful and never have to rely on a man. I want her to teach for her goals and dreams and be self sufficient. I’m planning our move when she graduates high school to a cheaper part of this country so she can attend college there and hopefully build a life there because I don’t want her to be in the position I am in.
Pour yourself in this, you’ll never regret it
Can I please get back on topic. I'm expressing my concerns HERE not to them. I'm 6 months out from being on my own. S19 is the one discussing college but that's because he's hoping he will get grant money now that I'm separated. He asks D17 what her plans are and she say she'll probably go to the same community college he's attending. I think that is a good plan and I have supported that. She can go to NY after the 2 years if we can work it out somehow. For the record she has not mentioned NY since before H left.
I'm struggling. I can't even read those posts today (I will after I calm down) because just glancing at them makes me feel awful. The past 2 days I've been in tears at work. I take my meds before I go home so the kids don't have to see that. On the really bad days I'm not fooling D17 because she will ask "are you okay?" Yes I'm fine. "You seem quiet". Oh sorry didn't realize that.....tell me about you day? Wonder when we will get those kittens? Or I'll start looking at the videos she sent me.
THIS IS HARD and I do not have my support group anymore. I just want someone to talk to, to let me say whatever awful thing I need to say, to validate my feelings. I'm actually triggered today over seeing H (and not hearing back from my attorney) and yet last night I was fine. Why? Meds. For the record I'm under the care of a great doctor she knows the dosage I'm taking and the timeline I plan on taking it. I try not to take them on the weekends because I know I need breaks from it. Sometimes I can't make it but that is my goal. Last week I skipped 2 days. I'm aware of what I need to do.
You might need an antidepressant instead of just anxiety medications. Other things to do for depression: exercise (as good as Prozac in some studies), get enough sleep (melatonin can help with falling asleep), yoga or meditation, B vitamins, and those daily affirmations I talked about earlier. Also do a little sunbathing as vitamin D is important for Covid and will help your mood.
Your brain tends to assume the most horrible possible outcomes (yes, that's a feature of depression) but it is really counterproductive to run with those things. So you need to work on NOT BELIEVING the BS your brain is telling you about your future right now. You wouldn't listen to a friend telling you those terrible things right now, would you? So why listen to that depression monster in your brain?
Yes your kids will likely get more financial aid with you divorced. Community college is a fine place to start. Living at home during college is probably a better option right now anyway since college dorms are germ factories. Your kids may be more motivated knowing they don't have dad's trust fund to fall back on. I worked my way through college as a waitress and ended up in medical school.
Put these up on your bathroom mirror and read them out loud every morning:
I am smart and capable.
I have a bright future ahead of me.
I can provide for myself.
I am on an adventure.
I am resourceful and creative.
I am better off without ex and have happiness in my future.
I think it is great that you can express your concerns. At the same time, when you do so on an open forum like this, sometimes not everyone is going to read and relate to them exactly as you may have intended. I stand by everything I said but it wasn’t said in a mean-spirited way. I was just trying to give you a different perspective. Sadly, you seem to have such a negative outlook and it is likely a product of depression and not feeling like you’re enough. Even in your response you said it was only a short time until you’re alone. KAS, you are not going to be alone when your kids leave the nest. They love you! You may LIVE alone but you won’t BE alone because you’ll always have them. I doubt if anyone posts anything to you in an effort to make you feel awful. On the contrary, I think people respond to you to offer you help, light at the end of the tunnel, support, advice.
As usual, kml offers some very sage advice, so listen to her. All of those things are true. You just have to find a way to believe them.
Hi Kas,
I'm sorry today finds you struggling. I hope the rest of your day is better. ((Hugs))
Took a mini break from this board and am feeling better. I'm busy right now (will post more later) but wanted to give a small but powerful update.
I'm firing my attorney. I've given her 3 warnings and now I'm done. I'm working on setting up interviews but what stinks is I have to get permission from my attorney to seek a 2nd opinion. Not all attorneys want this but the first 2 I talked to did. My attorney did the first one then had the audacity to blame the delay on me. Been gaslighted my entire life and I've healed enough that I recognized it immediately. Moved that email to my personal folder without responding. She's LYING.
The first attorney I called I ended up chatting with a very nice woman who in a matter of minutes knew more about my divorce than I did. She said she'd walk over to the courthouse and find out what was filed on April 14th (I can only assume that was H's counter file but I'm not sure).
This attorney is pricey but I already knew that. Wish me luck.
You might need an antidepressant instead of just anxiety medications. Other things to do for depression: exercise (as good as Prozac in some studies), get enough sleep (melatonin can help with falling asleep), yoga or meditation, B vitamins, and those daily affirmations I talked about earlier. Also do a little sunbathing as vitamin D is important for Covid and will help your mood.
I'm on an AD but I'm doing lots of other things wrong. Not eating real food, not exercising, staying up too late, and not going outside. I'm also trying to tough it out by not taking the anxiety meds and it's an epic fail. I just can't do without them right now. I'm taking .25mg 1-2 times a day and taking the weekends off. I've also been eating real food and going to bed on time.
Your brain tends to assume the most horrible possible outcomes (yes, that's a feature of depression) but it is really counterproductive to run with those things. So you need to work on NOT BELIEVING the BS your brain is telling you about your future right now. You wouldn't listen to a friend telling you those terrible things right now, would you? So why listen to that depression monster in your brain?
Multiple times a day I'm reading inspirational books especially when my brain tries to kill me. You'll laugh but last night I read a few pages, threw my hands up in the air, ugh because wallowing is so much easier than taking action. I saw it. So I got up and cleaned the kitchen. My brain started killing me again so back to the book I went. It's weird I get it, I see it, I understand it, it's almost like a bad habit. Read a few pages (I'm underlining things to make this easier) and got back up. Cooked dinner and vacuumed. At this point I had a handle on the depression. Took S19 to the auto parts store to get new bulbs for the cars and came home to watch tv with D17. Went to bed on time.
Would have worked fine except D14 called me at 5:30am. Teenage drama and needed an adult. She chose me isn't that wonderful?? In my clarity I realized I needed a new attorney so that was the first thing on my agenda. My computer at work wasn't working (fun) and I was shaking. Took my sliver of a pill and pulled it together. Got an email and we should be getting 3 kittens next week. Everything is going to be fine isn't it??
Yes your kids will likely get more financial aid with you divorced. Community college is a fine place to start. Living at home during college is probably a better option right now anyway since college dorms are germ factories. Your kids may be more motivated knowing they don't have dad's trust fund to fall back on. I worked my way through college as a waitress and ended up in medical school.
We're all adjusting we'll get there.
Put these up on your bathroom mirror and read them out loud every morning:
I am smart and capable.
I have a bright future ahead of me.
I can provide for myself.
I am on an adventure.
I am resourceful and creative.
I am better off without ex and have happiness in my future.
This is kinda what I'm reading in my 2 books (same author) that I cling to. Have one in my purse and one on the coffee table. Was texting my support group leader yesterday. I am truly trying. I've come a long way in a year and I believe I will continue to grow. Won't be easy I see but like I always say I'm not giving up.
**warning I may be off the rails tomorrow. That's not me though it's just my brain in panic mode that's all. I'm scared**
I think it is great that you can express your concerns. At the same time, when you do so on an open forum like this, sometimes not everyone is going to read and relate to them exactly as you may have intended. I stand by everything I said but it wasn’t said in a mean-spirited way. I was just trying to give you a different perspective. Sadly, you seem to have such a negative outlook and it is likely a product of depression and not feeling like you’re enough.
My thoughts get really dark when I exceed the limit of my meds. Controlling my brain is challenging on a good day much less one where life is coming at me from a dozen different directions. D14 called me at 5:30 this morning upset and needing advice. She sent this boy a mirror shot of herself wearing a sports bra and shorts. She told me it wasn't bad and offered to send it to me so I could see for myself. I trusted her and said it was fine. Anyway this boy was blackmailing her to send him nudes and harassing her because she kept saying no. He's threatening to post the picture she sent him on social media for all to see. She will learn more from this than I could ever teach her so I spared her the lecture. Reassured her that I wasn't mad, to turn off her phone and to acknowledge that she had no control over what he did with that picture.
Even in your response you said it was only a short time until you’re alone. KAS, you are not going to be alone when your kids leave the nest. They love you! You may LIVE alone but you won’t BE alone because you’ll always have them. I doubt if anyone posts anything to you in an effort to make you feel awful. On the contrary, I think people respond to you to offer you help, light at the end of the tunnel, support, advice.
I'm being ridiculous I know. Everyone here has been super supportive and I'm not trying to be difficult. Cheated on, left, divorce after 30 years, pandemic, firing my attorney, single parent, it's a wonder I'm not insane. I think I give new meaning to what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Wow. If I survive this I'm going to be unstoppable. lol
Do you know the parents of this kid? If so I would call them and threaten to report their son for soliciting child porn. They have actually pursued police action against these kid even if they are underage too. Don't let this creep go on to do this to other, more vulnerable girls.
Well that was fun. I hadn't officially fired my attorney yet but she just fired me first. I haven't answered any of her emails because she can't be bothered to answer mine. She then called me. Ignored that too. Anything she needs to say can be said in an email.
I'm shaking but I did it.
Do you know the parents of this kid? If so I would call them and threaten to report their son for soliciting child porn. They have actually pursued police action against these kid even if they are underage too. Don't let this creep go on to do this to other, more vulnerable girls.
As much as I'd love to go after this kid there are um problems. First H is a cop. Second my relationship with D14 is not yet on stable ground. Reporting this would absolutely blow up her world and she doesn't need that right now.
H would CRUCIFY HER if he knew she sent that picture. Remember he slut shamed all of us.
Does H have to get involved if you just speak to the boy's mother? You could approach it from the standpoint of her son may get in trouble in the future because of child porn laws and although your daughter didn't fall for it, others might and her son could go to jail. Not in an angry way but a mom-to-mom "you need to know what your son is doing so he doesn't end up in jail" sort of way.
I don’t know this kid and she’s not going to give him up. We haven’t been close for a long time. She’s here now and showed me the picture. Omg it’s nothing. I expected at least a bunch of cleavage but nope she did a side shot and hid them and her face.
Cheerleaders show more skin than she did. By a lot.
She walked in and immediately gave me the biggest hug. This never happened before BD. Ever.
Well maybe just have a serious conversation with her about how his behavior could ruin some other girl’s life - and his, if convicted on child porn charges. There are news stories out there about these charges being brought in situations with teens. Give her the bigger picture. Then let her decide what to do - or decide what to do together. Don’t sell her short. Whatever you do, the message shouldn’t be to stay quiet about sexual harrassment.
PS Watch the movie Untouchable on Hulu with her. A documentary made mostly from accounts from Harvey Weinstein’s victims, she needs to see this and become aware how predators like this work. This is a teachable moment.
Well maybe just have a serious conversation with her about how his behavior could ruin some other girl’s life - and his, if convicted on child porn charges. There are news stories out there about these charges being brought in situations with teens. Give her the bigger picture. Then let her decide what to do - or decide what to do together. Don’t sell her short. Whatever you do, the message shouldn’t be to stay quiet about sexual harrassment.
Last night she just wanted to talk about her situation living with H. He's not happy and that makes her angry. She sat on the couch close to me as we talked. We're getting closer every time I see her. We're supposed to get 3 kittens next week which means I will see her more. She was looking at rental houses last night as she is anxiously awaiting the moment when she move out. H keeps asking her about her plans and she lies. I'm sure he assumes that the ball is in her court since S19 originally he said he wouldn't live with D14.
Anyway yes absolutely I want to discuss this with her it's just really complicated since I've only seen her twice since the middle of March.
PS Watch the movie Untouchable on Hulu with her. A documentary made mostly from accounts from Harvey Weinstein’s victims, she needs to see this and become aware how predators like this work. This is a teachable moment.
I cancelled hulu to save money but I'll see where else I can get it. D14 is a very pretty girl with daddy issues now. I need to get a handle on this but I'm treading lightly. I haven't earned her trust yet but I'm getting there.
When H was still at home everything was just blah and the kids stayed in their rooms. I stupidly thought splitting up the kids made the most sense because neither of us could afford a 4 bedroom house (or so I thought). So dumb I know. H loved bombed D14 and since we were't close AT ALL she chose to live with him. In mid December we began to work though our issues aided by the part where H was never home. She doesn't live with me so my opportunities to bond with her are limited. I'm 5 months out but lost 2 to COVID. H has full custody and that is my reality. The kittens will bring her around more. That's not why I'm doing this but I will take every opportunity I get to be with or talk to D14.
H has full custody and that is my reality. The kittens will bring her around more.
Did you sign away custody? If the kittens will lure her to your place more, and you expect her to choose to move-in at some point, it sounds like that may not have happened.. meaning you may have custody rights you can exercise if you want. Maybe a question for your new and improved attorney! I'm confident my custody over my D15 won't drop to zero if my ex-wife gets cats, an ice cream machine, AND a PS4! She'd have a say. She wouldn't decide.
Did you sign away custody? If the kittens will lure her to your place more, and you expect her to choose to move-in at some point, it sounds like that may not have happened.. meaning you may have custody rights you can exercise if you want. Maybe a question for your new and improved attorney! I'm confident my custody over my D15 won't drop to zero if my ex-wife gets cats, an ice cream machine, AND a PS4! She'd have a say. She wouldn't decide.
I've signed nothing. H is thrilled when I have D14 because then he doesn't have to DO anything for her. D14 is out of school so she's up all night and sleeps all day so I don't see her much now. Getting kittens will motivate her to come over more since right now there is nothing to do at my house that she can't do at hers.
This weekend D14 sent me a picture of his empty fridge and a dead mouse in her room. He attempts to feed her dinner so she isn't starving. It is still her choice to stay there until I can get a bigger place. I can't make her leave.
Maybe I’m terribly naive. Maybe I missed something in an earlier post. You keep saying you can’t make her leave H’s house. YOU are the parent. I get that she’s 14 so she’s got her own voice and can make her own choices and teenagers are very difficult to “manage” even on good days. But, I’m having a hard time seeing what is in it for her staying with H. From your accounts, he doesn’t appear to interact with her much and barely provides for her. Is it just that she has her own room because you keep mentioning her staying there until you find a bigger place. Sometimes you have to pick your battles, I get it, but something just seems odd about this whole thing. I feel like I’m missing something.
I made the mistake of telling a coworker about about my attorney situation. She says the timeline will be the same. 6+ months to get temporary support?? Seriously?? She said H will fight me on custody yet in his counter file he says D17 and S19 will live with me, says he will pay child support but does want joint custody. D14 wants to live with me but in his offer he says she will live with him. He doesn't know she wants to move. Will this be an expensive custody fight like my coworker says?
The only other things we have to argue over is alimony and his pension plan (I am entitled to half). He will fight me on this I know. I've saved $10k wouldn't this be enough or am I delusional? I think the temporary support will address alimony which will cost what $4k? That leaves $6k to argue over the pension plan and other things like kid expenses.
S19 and I have this thing where we're learning how to do manly things that H used to do. We're trying to hang curtains and most of our (my) attempts have been fails. 12 you tube videos later and S19 says he thinks he gets its now. So last night he attempts to hang curtains in his room but needs my help. The room is small and he has a lot of furniture so the two of us are standing on one chair trying to screw brackets into the wall. He didn't get it but I eventually did. He acknowledged that my idea was better without feeling shame.
At that moment it hit me how completely adorable this was and I smiled. S19 (aspergers) has come so far since H left. S19 can do calculus in his head but struggles with basic life skills. H shamed him for that and S19 quit trying.
I made the mistake of telling a coworker about my attorney situation. She says the timeline will be the same. 6+ months to get temporary support??
Nolo Press says temporary support hearings typically take a few weeks to resolve. Your attorney is probably the best source for info about your case and how backlogged your court system is.
D14 wants to live with me but in his offer he says she will live with him. He doesn't know she wants to move. Will this be an expensive custody fight like my coworker says?
Court is usually expensive for the person arguing against following the status quo and heading towards norms. If you want D14 50/50 it should be cheap and easy to get there. If you want D14 100%, and he doesn't agree, I wouldn't be surprised if it cost you a small fortune to arrive there.
CW,
She will be 15 by the time I can move. Won’t the judge take what she wants into consideration?
CW,
She will be 15 by the time I can move. Won’t the judge take what she wants into consideration?
They would take it into consideration now
Kas99,
Of course, the judge would listen and consider D14's feelings, now or then. If your ex wants to be part of D14's life, and hasn't been convicted of abuse, I'd be surprised if he wound up with 0% custody. I see that happen more often when the kids are 16 or 17. Your attorney would be the best person to check-in with.
CW,
He’s rarely home. She sent me a picture of his empty fridge and texted “I want to move. I want to move. I want to move”. S19 says H doesn’t want kids and that they all need to live with me. All H cares about is the OW. Interviewing an attorney tomorrow.
Only reason I bring this up is because H wants joint custody.
D14 and S19 aren’t cutting him out they just won’t do overnights. It would be more like an hour a week when H isn’t busy.
I would tell D14 the chances are better for custody/living with you if she moves in now (before official paperwork is in place). Is there really no way for the kids to work this out living together until you can move?