Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Hitting My Stride VI - 04/07/20 03:37 PM
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...at&Number=2888598&gonew=1#UNREAD

New Thread.

LOL G......well hard core for me!

Working from home at the Doc's house today so her son didn't have to go to the office with her. He is in the other room watching his shows and I am in her office just working away. The interaction so far has consisted of "Good Morning lil buddy". Doc invited me over for dinner tonight and a sleep over. I'll ask him to if he wants to go outside a little later, my guess is that will be a Negative Ghost Rider............................

Anyway, I have learned that less is more with him and that's ok for now.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/09/20 01:09 PM
Not much t report, same ole same ole. I think the Doc is really liking me hanging out at her crib and working all day. She bought me a bunch of food to eat and is very accommodating towards me. Yesterday she told me that she loves seeing me during the middle of the week and could never get tired of seeing my mug......bahaaaa. She shut her office down on Wednesday and Friday's so she invited me to work from her place again yesterday while she was off and spent the night again last night. Still at her place this morning as I am watching her son again today until 2:30 when her nanny arrives. Son still in the bedroom watching his shows doing his own thing. I don't even bother to interact with him. If he needs something he will come out and ask. He just hangs out in his undies all day, watching TV and playing with his stuffed animals. Anything I would ask him to do he would say "no" to even if he wanted to do it so I just leave him to his own devices. That is between him, his mom and I guess his nanny. I am just the BF so I will stay in my lane. It helps with my frustration level and attitude towards him so that is a positive for me.

Went to Target yesterday for some Easter supplies (and beer!!) for the girls and her son. I got a dirty look from a lady waiting in line, I was following safe distancing practices so I am not sure what her problem was. Target has these marks on where I should stand and I was following them, on my designated mark so who knows.

Going to the Doc's ranch tomorrow morning and coming back on Saturday afternoon. She wants to go out for both Friday and Saturday nights however I got $hit to do at my own place and don't want to stay two full days. I told her this morning that I had planned on staying at my own house tonight. The only night I have been at my own house this week was Monday night so I just wanted to hang at my place tonight and relax kid free. I will see her on Friday and Saturday so 1 night shouldn't be a big deal.

I need to go car shopping as well as the lease on my current vehicle is up. Can't decide what I want to do. Buying a car is such a pain in the arse. I used to enjoy it now I can't stand it.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/12/20 03:22 PM
I think the Docs son is officially revolting against me. He is in the bilingual program at his school, learning how to speak Spanish. So every now and then his mom, grandma, etc. speaks Spanish to him and he does to them as well. I had two of Spanish so know a little however he told his mom that I am not allowed to speak Spanish to him because I am not his family. She asked him to give her a reason a why besides that and he couldn't. I guess I will be speaking Spanish to him now every change I get smile.......lol, JK.

In other news I got a new car to replace my lease so that is cool. I bought this one so my thoughts are to potentially give it to my oldest when she turns 16. I know a lot can happen from now and then but just thinking ahead.

Get the girls today around noon. Got their Easter baskets ready to go, consisting of candy, slime and new swimsuits. Going over to the Docs house this afternoon for a bit as she got the girls baskets and I got her son a basket as well.

Happy Easter everyone!
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/13/20 12:29 AM
ok, what kind of car and (standard chick question) what color is it?

Happy Easter!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/13/20 01:05 AM
Lol.......bmw 340, itís blue. Itís being delivered from Cali so I wonít get for probably a couple of weeks.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/14/20 09:52 AM
ty for indulging me, lol
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/14/20 01:58 PM
Originally Posted by bttrfly
ty for indulging me, lol
C'Mon bttrfly - you're one of our resident gear-heads. Where's the question about the thingy that makes the do-hicky do it's stuff when you want to go fast or go around corners or the other things? laugh laugh
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/14/20 07:19 PM
exh leased a 3 series two months before BD. I'm fully conversant with them.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/18/20 12:26 PM
LOL.....well I was tired of leasing vehicles and wanted something sporty that I could also put my two girls in when needed. My oldest will be 16 in just about 5 years so I though maybe it would be a car she could drive as well.

Not much going on down here. Just working from home, home schooling the girls, running about 3 to 4 days a week and going through the house throwing things away.

Trying to WAH while home schooling two kids really [censored]! I don't know if the school districts thought about that. My oldest is self-managed but my youngest not so much. My X is a teacher and when we did they hand off last Sunday afternoon I found out late Sunday night they were missing assignments. That forced me and the girls to scramble around to get the work done that night. Man I was pissed the X didn't have what was to be done her watch squared away and she is a freaking teacher. On Monday she saw all the emails between me and the teachers and called me on the phone. You could tell it was her way of apologizing however she never did.

No new between me and the Doc. She is still stressed to the max, had to lay off two of her staff and her application with the Govt was accepted but then she was told there is no more money left. Needless to say she is a mess. To add to her stress at work her XH has been out of the hospital for a little over a month with his heart and kidney transplant and has made no effort to see his son. I will summarize but after she lit him up via text message and shared the conversation with his girlfriend when she texted the Doc their son will be spending next weekend with his father.

I have only met the dude once. From what I have seen the Doc is accurate and that their son is not a priority in his life. Now, I have never had a heart or kidney transplant however If I did I could not imagine not reaching out via Sametime daily or actively making arrangements to see them. He doesn't do any of that. I wonder if because the kid is adopted if that has something to do with it. Makes me wonder if he would rather just tap out.

The girls and I are going out to her ranch today to hang out, see the cows, go on the Polaris and have to help with some things around the place. We are all going to hang out at my place tonight. Not much has changed, last week was 15 months. Still no rush, still no heavy conversations about kids, blending families, etc. Her son did come over one day last week to hang with us so he didn't have to go to her office and he was fine. I think my girls can take him in small doses. He brought his bike over so they all rode bikes together which they enjoyed. The Doc is also super locked in on his behavior as she knows that is a barrier to us spending time together.

I am really starting to enjoy the in control feeling. I love the Doc but I can take it or leave it. I do and say what I want respectfully with no fear. I was never like that with my XW. The chase is what turned me on with my XW. The funny thing is I have no idea how I got to that place. It just morphed over time in our relationship. With the Doc it is different, she absolutely adores me but I don't chase her, she chases me. The Doc lets me do literally whatever I want, it is something that I have had to learn and get used to. It is a different way of being turned on and she lets me run with it. I love it and it really is a great feeling. She wants to be led.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/18/20 02:12 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

I am really starting to enjoy the in control feeling. I love the Doc but I can take it or leave it. I do and say what I want respectfully with no fear. I was never like that with my XW. The chase is what turned me on with my XW. The funny thing is I have no idea how I got to that place. It just morphed over time in our relationship. With the Doc it is different, she absolutely adores me but I don't chase her, she chases me. The Doc lets me do literally whatever I want, it is something that I have had to learn and get used to. It is a different way of being turned on and she lets me run with it. I love it and it really is a great feeling. She wants to be led.

You know I have been listening to some really great podcasts lately that is putting the finishing touches on everything that I have learned. What you felt for your EW was more attachment then true love. If you truly loved your EW then if walking away would make her truly happy then you would honor her decision. I think thatís very hard for LBS to understand and thatís why there is more suffering. I think as a man if you lead, listen with out judgement and make a woman feel safe and comfortable she will do anything for you. You are one of our great success stories and I am very happy for you. We are all a work in process. Keep it up my virtual brother!
Posted By: JujuB Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/18/20 07:32 PM
Her ex is very similar to my ex. I call him bare minimum dad. They are disordered people. Heís kind of young to have all those health issues. Does he have a history as a high functioning addict? They are empty people and donít seem to love or attach - just keep up appearances. My son is not adopted so I doubt that has anything to do with his a$$holery.

I would have a hard time as a female chasing someone after my BD experience. I donít think itís a male/female dynamic. Perhaps you just came to a conclusion that you arenít dependent on someone? Or maybe the chemistry isnít 100 percent even though sheís perfect on paper?

I too love your story because it fits with the Hollywood ending. Lying, cheating wife regrets it and fĒs up her life and person betrayed realizes he could do much better! Way to go!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/18/20 09:37 PM
Well maybe poor word choice J but I just feel very grounded and in control. For example, with my XW if I didn't like or agree with something she said I would just be diplomatic, bite my tongue and not really go there with her. With the Doc I have no problems respectfully expressing myself if I disagree or don't want to do something. I think I have realized through this process that I am far from ok on my own and am not dependent on anyone. I guess when I was married I never knew my own worth however now I realize what a catch I am.

I do believe the chemistry has ebb and flowed. She is completely different than my XW so that in itself has been different. The Doc has her own practice, handles her own finances, shoots guns, can mow a yard, isn't afraid to get dirty, is a respected business woman, etc. Not needy and very independent. My XW was the exact opposite in every way, maybe would plant an annual flower, I don't think ever mowed the yard 1 time, and left all the finances up to me with no interest in learning anything. So yeah it has taken some time to get used to Funny thing is that after 15 months I know what makes the Doc tick. I was married to my XW for almost 15 years and don't have a clue. I couldn't even tell you what her love language is.

The Doc is just so good to me though and my girls. She is a tough cookie but has been so very kind to us. Her and her son are coming over tonight and before she came over she wanted to make sure that my girls were ok with it, that their feelings come first. It's things like that which really stand out to me.

Thanks L I am certainly trying. What I am trying to figure out is if I have ever really known what true love is. Is what I experienced with my XW love or was it something else. That's why in some ways I am not trying to create the same feeling with her. I am honestly still learning and figuring it out.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/18/20 09:59 PM
I just got out of shower and had another thought come to mind and that is "partner". The Doc feels more like a partner while my xw more felt like she was just along for the ride.

Additionally, it has been a little awkward for me to have my girls see me show affection to someone else other than their mom. Not for me but more for them, especially my youngest, as I see them watching.

Really since day 1 it has been all about comfort level. Honestly I probably met the Doc too soon.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/18/20 11:27 PM
I think love is different with every person you fall in love with because every person is different.. does that make sense? so to me, it's what suited back in the day when we met our exes may not suit now.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/19/20 01:11 PM
Excellent point I hadn't thought about it that way before. The doc feels more like a partner while my xw I think was more about me constantly working to make her happy and it was never enough. My xw was exciting, taking girl trips, happy hours, book clubs, social events, etc. but it was never about me and our family. I didn't realize or understand it back then.
Posted By: pinn Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/19/20 02:25 PM
15 months already?!? Wow does time fly. I feel like it was just yesterday I was reading about your dating adventures and now look where you are and what you are thinking about. Life moves fast... dang
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/19/20 08:10 PM
It has flown by......I just realized I have now been divorced for 2 years. The day went by and it wasn't even on my radar.

I took my daughters shopping today so they could get a birthday present for the X. It turned in to them getting several little things because they couldn't decide. It didn't bother me one bit, two years ago I would have been debating what to do and if I did something what signs I would I be giving off. SMH.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/20/20 04:32 PM
I think that something like what happened to you and many of us can knock you right back on your butt and make you doubt yourself in all sorts of ways.

Glad you have found your mojo again. You did jump into the dating world quicker than some but a lot slower than others. I think finding yourself was the key step in all of this.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/20/20 07:22 PM
I just don't think I realized. You get in your world, doing your thing and I just never thought about where I stood in life. I never inventoried myself if that makes sense. When I took a step back and did I realized I would be just fine.

I am in no rush, I still very much enjoy my alone time, sleeping in my own bed, etc. I spent almost all Saturday with the Doc, I saw her yesterday and spent the night at her place last night. I am currently sitting at her kitchen table watching her son until the sitter arrives in 10 min. Tonight I told her I am sleeping in my own bed, I want to shower and just chill. Wake up in the morning, go for a run and then I will be back at her place around 9 to hang with her son again. I'll spend tomorrow night at her place again. It's a good balance for me, we actually see each other quite a bit!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/27/20 12:14 AM
Update time....the doc and I had our first kid free weekend in four months. We spent it at her ranch hanging out, doing manual labor and having some beverages. Not much else to report on that front. Have my girls this week and my oldest turns 11 on Friday. Due to the rona it will be a low key celebration with me, the girls, the doc, her son and my Xw. It will be at my house and while I was talking to my x about it I asked her to bring her bf. She really had no interest in doing so and even commented that she wasnít sure it was going to work out. She was very indifferent but I didnít probe.
I guess that explains why she has never really pressed for me to meet him even after I had told her I wanted to do so. Obviously something is a miss so I guess it just goes to show that sometimes itís not what it seems.

Now it isnít like she is taking a step towards me and for my part that ship has sailed. He wasnít even in the picture when she divorced me so who knows. Hopefully she is happy.
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/27/20 01:48 AM
Odds are either 1) she ashamed of him or 2) heís jealous of you.

I never had any experience with jealous boyfriends before CMM. But heís super jealous. Like, my high school boyfriend who is now a Catholic priest and gave me a hug at my moms funeral was a problem! So maybe her boyfriend is super jealous of you.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/27/20 12:38 PM
If I had to guess probably ashamed. She seemed to do a lot of justifying him to me the times it would come up. Funny thing is that it hardly ever came up and she certainly doesn't need my approval but I guess if all things measure up to me (as her reference point) I guess you can't help the comparisons.

I would also hope that if you are going to D me you would at least need to upgrade in some area, I mean I am not sure that is possible but......bahaaaaaa!

My XW loves her alone time, is selfish and really enjoys being a part time parent. I would not be shocked if she never married again. When she was telling me about it she didn't seemed phased by it one bit. Just so very indifferent, it actually gave me flash backs about how indifferent she was towards me at the time. There was a brief moment where I felt sorry for the guy knowing how she is.

Who knows, maybe they just got in an argument.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/27/20 12:45 PM
J,

Pretty predictable donít you think? 2 years still no happiness must be this guy. Iíll find my happiness in a new one?

Is this guys main drawback that heís short?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/27/20 01:07 PM
Hey L......yeah, it's pretty predictable. Odd that they have been dating for over 2 years and she has never brought him around me, flaunted him in my face, took to social media, etc.

I am not entirely sure what his sticking points are. Yes, he is short. Seems like he has little man's syndrome from how people have described him. Used to be a cop now he is a nurse. His kids are older, 1 in college and another a senior in high school. He lives in another town in a different school district so he would have to move to our town as my xw can't leave so maybe that is a sticking point. Who knows.

I don't get the impression they are spending a lot of time together. When he was studying to be a nurse I think he spent a lot of time at the xw's place. Now that he is working, combined with living 20 miles away I don't think their time together is the same.
Posted By: Twofeet Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/27/20 09:57 PM
J9,

Here is another perspective, he may just have zero interest in meeting you or your XW's previous life, or being apart the new extended family.

My xw wife wants me to meet OM. I can barely tolerate her presence anymore, let alone meet the dud she kicked me to the curb for. sick
On the other side of the coin the XH of my gf wants to meet me if I am going to be around his kids. If I believe any of her stories about why they split then I am not interested. They have their Dad, I am not him, I am just their mom's BF.

You are a good dude who seems to want to bring everyone together for the benefit of your kids, which is great. That doesn't mean everyone wants to join the party.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 04/27/20 11:57 PM
Certainly a plausible idea as well. I had no desire to meet him early on, when the X brought it up at that time I told her I trusted her judgement. My only real desire to do so is for the betterment of my daughters so they feel comfortable. It came to head several months back when my daughters made some comments about him. At that time I thought it would be good to meet him so I could gain some insight with the thought of actually supporting him and my xw when my daughters are with them.

Since the Doc has her son full time it is not as big of an issue since her son is only with his father a few days out of the month. Having 50/50 certainly puts a little more responsibility on the BF or GF especially if they are spending a lot of time around the kids.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/01/20 03:44 PM
Big day today, my oldest turns 11!!! Man how time flies. Just a small gathering here in about an hour with the Doc (Doc made the cake) her son and my XW. Not sure if her BF is coming or not. She has met the XW before so I am not as nervous this time but it still is a little awkward to be around her with the Doc. Still a little awkward for me around my girls as well, my youngest more than my oldest. I do think it would good if the X's BF came especially for my girls as maybe it would help them feel more comfortable that there are no hard feelings between us and both of us are happy and have moved on.

In other news my car arrived on Wednesday so that's fun! Definitely fun to drive but I will miss having an SUV especially when making Home Depot runs. I have also been tackling a leaky sprinkler system in my backyard. I have been digging all week and found 3 leaks, one of which was major, so I am super proud of myself! Easily saved probably 300 to 400 bucks and as the saying goes "A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned"!!!
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/01/20 04:01 PM
Happy birthday to your oldest! Your ex and your future fiancťe. Sounds like a blast! Insert LH eye roll lol.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/01/20 04:12 PM
No $hit buddy. My mom will be on facetime as well, so much fun!!!!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/01/20 07:27 PM
The party was a success......not nearly as awkward this time but still a little. Xws bf didn't make it, I guess he is working 3rd shift at the hospital and needed to sleep.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/04/20 03:04 PM
My off week from the girls this week. My oldest enjoyed her birthday party and the highlight gift was the Air pods her mom got her. She definitely thinks she is styling now combined with her iPhone. She is so sweet and innocent, still believes in Santa, the tooth fairy, etc. but I know next year when she hits 6th grade her world is going to change. She called my "brah" the other day, I had to quickly course correct her smile

The Doc made her is the really great cake and her son did a good job at the party not trying to steal her thunder. The XW and the Doc chatted a little more than they did the first meeting so they seemed to get along fine. The kids have hung out some more during the day, 3 or 4 hours at a time and that seems to have gotten a little better as well. We all had a sleepover at the Doc's house Saturday night and that was fine as well. Her son is good in small doses. I guess the point is that things are progressing gradually. My oldest seems comfortable but she has adjusted more quickly than my youngest. When we did have the a sleep over at the Doc's on Saturday I asked both of my girls if they wanted to go and they said they did. I flat out asked them while also telling me to please be honest. They wanted to go over so maybe they are making some progress. Her son has gotten better as well but is still a work in progress also.

Not much else to report. Still working at home, got my new car last week so that has been fun. Hanging out at the Doc's house this week in the mornings so I can watch her son until the nanny arrives at noon. For the most part he just keeps to himself, watching TV and I get a request from him about once an hour for something to eat. He interacts on his terms. Which is fine.

I am not sure what else to report. I get the sense that the Doc wants to discuss our timeline. She made a comment the other day about staying in her house through the end of this year. She doesn't come out and directly ask though. I get it but a lot of it for me hinges on my girls. My oldest is fine, honestly she is almost to the stage to where she won't give a crap about the littles. My youngest is who I worry about. The Doc and I spoke a little about it and she commented about how well my youngest did at the party seeing both the Doc and her mom together. Honestly she did do well. I just need them to have continued positive experiences and interactions. Those experiences have nothing to do with the Doc it is all about her son. The kids need to get along. They are all within 2 years of each other so they are too close in age to just avoid each other completely or not be able to care.
Posted By: DonH Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/04/20 04:42 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Hanging out at the Doc's house this week in the mornings so I can watch her son until the nanny arrives at noon. For the most part he just keeps to himself, watching TV and I get a request from him about once an hour for something to eat. He interacts on his terms.

Isnít he supposed to be doing school work? And maybe he is, or maybe when the nanny arrives? I know youíve said heís smart and a good student. But pre panic Demic heíd be in class all these mornings. I guess this is not pointed at your situation but just in general as I constantly hear of stories like this. How on earth can we claim that kids are not falling behind or at least not getting the same education, or even close to, that children did last year. How are they not losing out? I guess just another unspoken casualty of whatís going on. Or again maybe he starts school at noon. Which... well ive said enough. My question is, when does he do school? Iím honestly curious as it sounds like heís on summer vacation. Not your fault, it just is what it is.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/04/20 04:46 PM
The kids have about 1.5 hours per day and he does it with his nanny.

My 5th grader is self-managed my 3rd grader not so much.

It is certainly not the same and yes, they are loosing out. Not only the education portion but the socialization as well.

The school districts are in a tough spot and are doing what they can but even though I am lucky to be working from home I don't have the band with due to my own job to dedicate all day long to their studies.

The kids do feel like they are on vacation, my youngest wants nothing to do with her school work.
Posted By: DonH Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/04/20 04:55 PM
Thanks for the insight. I am not at all casting blame your way, which Iím sure you know. I just donít have a lot of friends with young kids so Iíve not heard near as many school stories as I have healthcare stories. 90 minutes of school a day. Wow. Yet I do have a teacher friended who insists they are learning very well. Yeah, sure they are. I have a niece in dental school at home. Sheís incredibly smart but wow how can she be getting the same education as wanna be dentists of previous years? Hopefully they will all return to the classroom in Fall.

Oh and yes, the social aspects... no prom, no graduation. My other niece graduates this or next week after 4 years of college. No ceremony and at this point no large family gathering planned like her sister had. Sad. Okay back to the regularly scheduled R issues. smile
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/04/20 05:03 PM
The teachers are very available for assistance but it is all left up to the parents and kids to make it happen.

Learning from home is certainly not the same. There is no comparison.

I am sure the school Districts are under pressure to stay relevant and do their part to provide something. The kids however are checked out and are just doing the bare minimum.

They have video conferences through Webex and get their weekly assignments emailed to them/parents each week on Sundays. Everything is turned in through Google classroom.

Only a few more weeks left though and I guess the good thing is that all students are in the same boat so no one is really advancing that much ahead of each other.
Posted By: HaWho Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/04/20 05:53 PM
Don - the truth is the educational piece of this all is scary. My son is attending one of the best public high schools nationally, is a junior and all his classes are now pass/fail! It is the same for my 8th grader. His honors math and Spanish even are now pass/fail.

Many kids and families are up in arms over this as how is GPA to be calculated? My son is taking AP courses that are now pass/fail?!?!

The issue is that in many areas kids have no access to laptops and or WiFi. (Our school district said we would provide laptops if needed, granted we have very few low income students in our district.) So itís not a level playing field. For some kids in this country, they need their school subsidized lunch and districts are required to still provide these meals even during this time. It is another case of the haves and have nots and legally states have to provide equal access. Some 13 year old kids have Mac laptops while others need a lunch.

My sense is the teachers are phoning it in. (And painting rosy pictures as they do so.) The kids are phoning it in. My sense is we are paying teachers to do very little work. If things are pass/fail, I think kids quickly learn to do just enough to pass.

Very little has been communicated on a national level regarding this. And state-wise I am not sure of what is left to districts to decide.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/04/20 05:56 PM
As a teacher, I feel like I have to weigh in so sorry for the hijack, J9. Don, Iím not arguing with you or even saying you are wrong but I would be curious to know what teachers you know who are saying the at home instruction is the same. As an educator, I can assure you that my colleagues and I fully realize that our students are NOT getting the same education they would in our classroom, but we are all doing the best we can to get the material out with the same level of academic integrity we did in class. Now, clearly my situation is different from J9 because his girls are young and my students are college students but I can assure you, the teachers I know are under no illusion that this semester is going to be anywhere on par with previous ones, despite our best efforts. Weíve been told all transcripts will be flagged with a special notation indicating remote instruction due to Covid-19 for this semester. Not sure what that will mean in the future but it is something. I can also assure you I am working harder at my job right now than I ever have on campus because teaching a hands-on lab class ALL online is super challenging. It is a very stressful, time consuming effort on both the part of the teachers and the students (not to mention parents who are trying to work their own full-time jobs from home while monitoring and assisting with school work).
Posted By: HaWho Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/04/20 06:41 PM
Just to clarify, in my district the teachers have never said the education is equal to what it was. On the contrary, they have said this is unprecedented and they are in (completely) unchartered waters. They have crash landed into this terrain.

They are talented and fully capable of providing a higher level education but are bound to provide equal access due to state and national education laws. If some kids are moving forward with AP Physics while others do not even have lunch never mind a device in which to log in, what kind of legal issues would that create?

We have tremendous disparities in this country.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/04/20 07:20 PM
The educational system certainly developed this learn at home model on the fly and kudos to them for attempting to do so. Certainly no easy feat considering all the different dynamics at play, including funding for test scores or lack there of.

The teachers initially in our District where very hard core and if a kid missed an assignment would send the parent an email making them feel less than. One of my oldest's teachers even indicated "she was concerned". Mind you this all C or NC and has no bearing on her going to 6th grade. Since then they have gradually eased up on the expectations and while the send out progress reports I think they realize parents and their kids will only complete what they can.

I think the Districts made a big assumption that every parent is going to be home working and spending all day long with their kid engaging in home school family time. That is not the case! I work more hours now that I ever did at the office.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/04/20 07:53 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9


I think the Districts made a big assumption that every parent is going to be home working and spending all day long with their kid engaging in home school family time. That is not the case! I work more hours now that I ever did at the office.

While I'm not working more hours, my hours have definitely shifted. I'm sometimes working past 8pm.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/05/20 01:30 PM
I agree with that as well. I tend to be logged in a lot longer during the day.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/06/20 01:43 PM
Iím frustrated by my sons schooling. Heís still in elementary school and we were told the work is optional. He basically completes his daily assignments in an hour. There are a lot of links to silly YouTube channels and already established educational programs. Which is annoying because I want less screen time. The kids do not cooperate with parents like they do with their teachers - so itís a huge battle. I ended up buying next grades math book and I sent a letter to my son telling him it was from his teacher and he has to do it. in general like Hawho said, they teach down so no one is left behind meaning the brighter kids suffer and itís even worse now.

I think the real answer is that they need to open up schools in summer for the kids. This would solve a lot of problems.

1. Many parents are not gonna be able to afford camp this year and will be expected to get back to work in the summer.
2. The kids are really behind and need classroom structure (at least in elementary school)

Now my mom was a teacher, I love my sons teacher and I completely respect the teachers. A good teacher is worth their weight in gold. I could never teach 20 (30 in the city) little kids. I would lose my mind.

But that being said Iím conflicted in my thoughts. . Everyone else has not been able to work to their capacity and is therefore furloughed or taking major pay cuts or laid off. Where I live, thereís a joke that getting a teaching position is like winning the lottery. They earn over 6 figures and only work 180 days. Yes I know they put in extra time for lesson plans. (I put in extra time for ceus and HEPs and staying current in my field too and I do not get prep periods or nearly as many holidays) They have great unions and we donít. I get that and wish I was unionized. They are earning a living salary and we really should be attacking the .1 percenters and our ceos - not the people that make effort for our kids.

But at the same time - I think that due to this unprecedented event - give back to the kids for the summer. Doesnít have to be a full summer. Maybe 4 weeks out of 10? And just donít bother teaching for the month of May because they arenít really learning.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/06/20 05:43 PM
Originally Posted by JujuB
Iím frustrated by my sons schooling. Heís still in elementary school and we were told the work is optional. He basically completes his daily assignments in an hour. There are a lot of links to silly YouTube channels and already established educational programs. Which is annoying because I want less screen time. The kids do not cooperate with parents like they do with their teachers - so itís a huge battle. I ended up buying next grades math book and I sent a letter to my son telling him it was from his teacher and he has to do it. in general like Hawho said, they teach down so no one is left behind meaning the brighter kids suffer and itís even worse now.

I think the real answer is that they need to open up schools in summer for the kids. This would solve a lot of problems.

1. Many parents are not gonna be able to afford camp this year and will be expected to get back to work in the summer.
2. The kids are really behind and need classroom structure (at least in elementary school)

Now my mom was a teacher, I love my sons teacher and I completely respect the teachers. A good teacher is worth their weight in gold. I could never teach 20 (30 in the city) little kids. I would lose my mind.

But that being said Iím conflicted in my thoughts. . Everyone else has not been able to work to their capacity and is therefore furloughed or taking major pay cuts or laid off. Where I live, thereís a joke that getting a teaching position is like winning the lottery. They earn over 6 figures and only work 180 days. Yes I know they put in extra time for lesson plans. (I put in extra time for ceus and HEPs and staying current in my field too and I do not get prep periods or nearly as many holidays) They have great unions and we donít. I get that and wish I was unionized. They are earning a living salary and we really should be attacking the .1 percenters and our ceos - not the people that make effort for our kids.

But at the same time - I think that due to this unprecedented event - give back to the kids for the summer. Doesnít have to be a full summer. Maybe 4 weeks out of 10? And just donít bother teaching for the month of May because they arenít really learning.



You know, I started my adult professional life as a high school teacher and finally got to move to higher ed (my ultimate dream goal) a few years ago. I donít know where you live, but the only teachers making 6 figures in this neck of the woods are coaches. So to me that whole attitude about a teaching job being like hitting the lottery is akin to that bunk awhile back about nurses just sitting around playing cards. Teachers and nurses are among the most underpaid and undervalued employees on the planet. You say you respect teachers, but I assure you that is NOT the norm. I have been called stupid, a b!tch, told I was being ďunfairĒ to little Johnny for holding him accountable in my class. One of the very last years I was a public school teacher, a student called me a ďstupid f&ccing c£ntĒ TO MY FACE in front of another teacher and a room full of students. When I turned him in, I was told to have a conference with his mother and talk to the football coach because that would be more effective than detention. After several repeated requests for a meeting with mom, she showed up, completely exasperated and sat with her son in my classroom while he degraded her, called her a b!tch, and said nasty, ugly things to her. I called the principal to come in and the kid walked out leaving me and the mom waiting for principal who again insisted I talk to the coach. The coach made him run bleachers and the kid acted worse than ever. He remained in my class until he got expelled for bringing his motherís prescription drugs to school and selling them to a girl who ODíed in the bathroom and still had the pill bottle with his motherís name in her pocket when they found her. (Side note: that happened on my birthday. His expulsion was, to this day, the best birthday gift ever.) If kid is not a guest of the State of Arkansas Dept of Corrections somewhere right now, he just hasnít been caught yet.

As far as teaching 20 kids at a time.....THAT would be a dream. I regularly had 30 students, many who were special ed, and others who were disciplinary issues and the only reason I didnít have more was because Arkansas wised up and passed a law that capped all classes, regardless of grade level, at 30. Even now, my college classes, hands-on lab classes are capped at 24, and I rarely have fewer than 20. I have 16 in one class this time only because 4 students dropped out when we went remote.

Teachers are doing the best they can and are still trying to come up with engaging ways to learn. So what if it comes in the form of YouTube and other such sites. It isnít like teachers had months to prepare and come up with new, innovative strategies to be all online. I get you want less screen time for your child but how can your child have less screen time if you are too busy working your own job to be able to engage him in non-electronic means of education?

Donít get me wrong, I understand parentsí frustrations. I donít have young kids at home (THANK GOD!!!!!!) but I have elementary aged grandchildren, so I see and hear the struggles my own children have in making sure their children are engaged in meaningful learning activities while they are working full-time jobs. 1 of my daughters and both my sons-in-law are deemed essential workers, so they are still working outside the home which gives the added frustration of dealing with child care.

I think teachers get blamed for everything and this is a good opportunity for parents to see how much work really goes into being a teacher. Teachers are forced to teach to impossible standards on the be all end all standardized tests and blamed for poor scores while they deal with a variety of reading/comprehension/understanding levels within the same classroom plus dealing with the discipline and ALL the emotional baggage that children carry (and yes, even the happiest of kids occasionally act out). Lack of parental support is also high on the list of complaints. I am not saying anyone here is that way, because by all accounts everyone here is very involved and engaged with their kids and the overall educational process, but again, I can assure you this is the exception, not the rule. I know Iím older than quite a few on the board, but when I was in school, teachers were well respected. And, I didnít dare cause trouble at school because then not only would I get in trouble at school, but I would get in trouble twice at home:once by mom and then again by dad when he got home. Surely Iím not the only one on the board who lived in the era of ďwait until your father gets homeĒ being a huge deterrent for bad behavior.

The US education system needs a LOT of work but there are dedicated teachers across this country who put their heart and soul into the job and truly love their students and what they do. Of course, there are bad apples too, but that is true of all walks of life. If nothing else, I hope this pandemic situation helps people be a little more flexible and forgiving of harsh/negative attitudes because I think we are all just doing the best we can at this point.

Sorry for the hijack again, J9. Stepping off my soap box now. And by the way, juju, I will apologize right now if anything I said offended you, as that was not my intent. I donít think you, personally, are disrespectful towards teachers but some of the things you said just touched a nerve and I felt compelled to respond.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/06/20 05:55 PM
I donít mean to be disrespectful Dawn - my mom was an inner city school teacher. She used to have to use her own pay check to pay for supplies for the kids. I know the work that goes into teaching. And I really do love my sons teachers.

In my area - teachers are earning over 6 figures though. Itís not reserved for coaches. I know this is very different from other parts of the nation. Property taxes (used to pay salaries) start at 14 grand - and thatís for an old house that needs tons of work. So thereís a different pay scale here. But that pay scale doesnít apply to everyone. Certainly not healthcare workers. So there is a lot of conflicting feelings. When prices are so high people demand more (why only 20 students per class) and why people feel upset about paying for services that are net able to be met. Itís natural to compare... everyone is doing less because the need isnít there and everyone is getting paycuts. If everyone gets paycuts they canít afford to pay for half work being performed currently.

Itís more of a system wide problem - like if we were following other countries leads - I think there would be less confliction
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/14/20 02:36 PM
One more week of online schooling left and it's over!! My kids are done with it and are not motivated at all to do anything.

The Doc's birthday is next week and once again I am struggling with what to get her. She flat out told me she doesn't want stuff. Although she did send a Amazon link for a mop that she wants. How romantic right??? What she values most is my assistance, acts of service is her thing. I already help her with anything she asks me to do which is about 1 or two things weekly so I have that covered. Last week we went out to her ranch and I spent about 7 hours helping her clear a fence line and dense bushes around some 200 yr oak tree. Tomorrow I am helping her move furniture into her new expanded office and putting 19 chairs together.

So I am at a loss. I do have one thing on my radar for her. A large Yeti cooler as she uses these old flimsy cooler bags to transport food out to the ranch for the weekend. She would never buy something like that for herself as she is too practical. That and the mop she wants...ÖÖ.SMH.

My oldest has really been struggling this week, missing and crying for her mom every night. How she misses her etc. In the past this has only happened when she is super tired but for some reason this week it has happened every night. I honestly think she will be getting her period soon so that might be a part of it. She seems to be extra jacked up, fighting with her younger sister, and being kind of aggressive at times. So I think it's coming.

Nothing new with the Doc and I although I think she is starting to get a little antsy. At times I feel that she is fishing to understand what my timeline is for giving her a ring. Recently I have thought about it more and more. I am excited, nervous, a little scared, but feel I am coming closer to it. The biggest sticking point for me is the kids. My girls have to feel comfortable in a new home with the Doc's son. Right now when we all go over to her house you can tell they feel like guests. Which I guess is to be expected as they don't spend as much time there as I do. I am at her place now about 5 out of the 7 days a week when I don't have my girls. Her son is not good at give and take, has to get all the attention, dominate the situation, and will just go in another room if he doesn't want to participate in something. He just doesn't go with the flow. That makes my girls feel awkward, maybe because they feel like guests, not sure.. He can't be the boss baby and dominate the house my girls will be living in as well. I won't accept that and that is what I don't have a comfort level with yet. His patterns will have to change.

I have spoken to a friend of mind that blended families, one of which included an adopted child. She said blending families is hard and kids that are adopted are jacked up which makes it even harder. She just strongly suggested that me and the Doc would have to be on the same page with everything. Her husband brought an adopted child into their blended family and he was always favoring her, making excuses for her because she was adopted. She said it nearly tore their marriage a part. Obviously just one opinion but still something to be aware of. As we know, all kids are different.

Yesterday I was in her house alone (I'll spare you all the details as to why) but I found one of her old rings and measured it out so I have an idea of her size. She is still as sweet to me as she has always been. When we are together she always brings me my coffee in the mornings, when she goes out to the store she always brings me back something even if I tell her I don't need anything. Yesterday she stopped at the cigar shop and picked me up 3 cigars, I didn't ask her to she just did it. She does things like that all the time. She has been good to my girls as well, her and my mom are Facebook BFF's, and the interactions between her and the XW have been fine as well. The Doc told me that when she was sitting across the table from my XW at my oldests birthday party she wanted to tell her "Thank You" for turning me lose.

I have had some conversations with my girls as well about it, just that one day it could happen, moving to a different house, etc. I wanted to give them an opportunity to ask questions. They did ask some but overall seem to be ok with it. Seems like everyone is getting more comfortable with the situation.

I guess this is long enough so that's were I currently stand.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/14/20 03:09 PM
Sounds like you two have made the decision to get married but are just waiting for the kick to get you over the fence. I know for me that I danced around the issue for a while until it just hit me one day that I didn't want to take the chance of losing S because of my indecision. 20 minutes later, I was engaged. S actually appreciated being able to pick out her own ring based on my suggestions but she and your Dr are probably as different as they come.

As far as the birthday thing goes - I would suggest cooking a meal. You can probably get a nice cake done by a bakery (don't do grocery store) if your confidence isn't there. And / Or - if you think it appropriate, get the girls to help decorate them.

For the meal - there is one recipe that I would suggest that a number of us have tried. It goes waaaay back on one of my old threads (had to look for it) and is Jack Three Bean's Chicken Marsala. (miss you Jack)

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2700547#Post2700547

And yeah - I've been around here a pretty long time it would seem. Seeing those old threads feels like a different man in a different world which is perhaps true for both of us J9
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/14/20 03:28 PM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Sounds like you two have made the decision to get married but are just waiting for the kick to get you over the fence. I know for me that I danced around the issue for a while until it just hit me one day that I didn't want to take the chance of losing S because of my indecision. 20 minutes later, I was engaged. S actually appreciated being able to pick out her own ring based on my suggestions but she and your Dr are probably as different as they come.


J you have always thought things through and that is one of the reasons you are in a really good spot right now. No offense to my Canadian brother Andy but I would steer clear on his advice towards being FORCED into marriage. You are doing the right thing by researching how the dynamics will change and the effect it will have on your girls. I could be very well that they may ask to live full time with their mom. I'm not saying not to do it but definitely continue to do your research and think things through.

I know you'll do the right thing.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/14/20 04:08 PM
While I donít necessarily disagree with LH on the importance of research, I think you know that research can only get you so far and the proof is in the pudding, so to speak. Blending your families will certainly benefit from your being armed with a lot of knowledge but there are some things that just may not come to light until you are full-on living together. That is just the nature of the beast. Her son might well straighten right up with you in the house or he may get way worse. That is not something anyone can predict regardless of the amount of research that you do. I think you and the doctor are likely going to have to have some very open, honest, real, raw conversations before you take the plunge. There is so much that can go right in all of this but there is also a great deal that can go wrong and yíall have to be a united front. I think your girls will be fine and will adjust. I worry about her son. The more you say about him the more concerning his overall behavior and issues seem. It certainly isnít my place to say but I think one thing you will have to get used to is that not all kids are these big jock type kids. Heís ďsoftĒ (your words), nerdy, emotional.....none of those are bad things but just different than what I imagine you are used to. Not that your girls arenít lovely, intelligent young women, but they are also into sports and are very active. You will have to connect with her son on a different level than manliness and sports. It will be a challenge but one that will be good for all of you as long as you and the doctor continue to openly communicate.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/14/20 04:48 PM
Dinner definitely will be cooked. We will be at her ranch so I will be grilling out. She loves it when I cook for her so that's a no brainer.

We don't discuss it a lot but yes, in many ways we are probably both just waiting for someone to kick it over the fence.

The good thing is that she fully defers to me. I think in one of The Coaches video's he talks about how when women are completely in love they will disown their children. The Doc doesn't disown her son but she completely defers to me and fully understands his issues. The other week I asked him to do something and when he started giving me the business she corrected him and told him I was the man of house. I about fell out. I actually had to course correct her a bit as he certainly wasn't ready to hear that.

I say that to say this...ÖÖ.the Doc doesn't caudle her son or put him on a pedestal. So right now I feel as though if anything came up we would be able to work through it and she would side with me. I also am not afraid to stand up for myself and voice my opinion which I think is part of the battle as well. She needs a man that will stand up to her (I don't mean in a disrespectful way either) but agree/disagree, have thoughts and opinions.

Connecting with her son has been hard. I do struggle with that the most and as of right now there is really not a connection. I am sure the Doc sees it but I haven't found a way yet to break through so now I just don't engage other than exchanging pleasantries. TBH it's not what I envisioned. I don't think there is anything wrong with him per se but it's just how he is. Even when the Doc and her XH were married the XH was never involved or around so he is used to her and having her all to himself. That combined with my inability to connect is tough especially since I will be living with him full time. Something I am aware of but I also don't want to have any expectations either.

Then there are times I feel sorry for him. Adopted, an adopted father that never sees him. It has to make him feel insecure and potentially not loved which then makes me think about what kind of influence I could have in his life. The opportunity I have to be a role model for him.
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/14/20 05:59 PM
How old are your girls now? Are they still 10 and 8 or is that outdated?

In a way it's a shame they're not older. If they were teens you could make an argument for waiting until they're out of the house before marrying and blending families - that would surely be easier all around. But I'm guessing that's not an option at their ages.

Wondering why your one daughter is crying for her mom now all of a sudden. You could be right, it could be PMS. But have your explored other possibilities? Is she maybe freaked out about the pandemic and worrying about her mom? Is she saying the same thing to mom about you when she's there?

Or, now that mom has met OW, is mom maybe messaging her that she'd like you back, or just showing signs of being sad about losing you as Plan B? Is this causing daughter to realize that no, her parents aren't ever getting back together? Or is she missing something else at home other than mom, like a friend next door or a pet? Or does she feel she needs to be home to "protect" mom from her boyfriend in some way? Or is she feeling like mom isn't giving her any attention when she IS there?

I'd try seeing if you can gently explore what this is really about.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/14/20 06:47 PM
11 and 8...Ö.my oldest will be 9 June 2nd.

It would be easier for sure. Not sure the Doc would wait that long. She made it clear early on that she only wanted to date long term if it was leading to marriage. I doubt she would want to date forever.

I asked my oldest she just said she missed her mom. I asked her now why all of sudden is she expressing herself this way and she provided no further insight. She spent the night at a friends house on Saturday night and then I picked her up on Sunday so she did not get the full amount of time last week with her mom.
Posted By: HaWho Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/14/20 09:07 PM
I am not sure who ďThe CoachĒ is but anyone who disowns his/her child for the sake of love would send me running the other way. That is not a sign of a healthy person.

It seems cold to me that the Doc told her s you are now the man of the house. Itís one thing to redirect a kid (there are many kind ways to do this) and quite another to displace him in that fashion and so openly. I would watch that relationship very closely because your girls are seeing it, too. Pieces of her treatment towards him are humiliating.

Maybe your daughter is still grieving the loss of her old life. My kids were noticeably withdrawn for a full year and a half after my ex moved out. They were 14 and 12. My older one had his sense of humor return about a year and a half after move out. My younger one just now is starting to laugh; two years 4 months post move out.

My ex remarried months after the divorce; he was divorced and remarried within 9 months! I was just waiting for the birth announcement; lol! In my sitch the lightening speed at which my ex moved forward drew my kids closer to me. It was clear they figured out he was cheating. I noticed they showed me more respect. I have overheard my older s saying to his cousin on my exís side that exís new wife is not his mother and that sheís not anyone to whom to pay attention. Ex did not set his new wife up for success. Ex even told my kids to keep her a secret from me! And when I finally learned he had married my kids told me they would keep the same secret for me. I told them that if and when I am ready to introduce them to someone I would never ask them to keep it a secret rather I would celebrate the person. And I made it clear marriages are not secrets to be kept. If I needed to hide it I would evaluate why that is. Just another way that ex did not set her up to be respected. Sad.

My older s has intimated it is awkward to suddenly have a new woman living with them and he comes here more now (at times he is supposed to be at exís) and I know this feels more like home to him. He says it just feels less comfortable with her there; again probably as it was all too speedy. My younger one does not discuss it which to me says it is hard for him. I think my ex never gave them time to adjust to any of this.

Yes, kids can adapt to lots of things but this does not mean it is necessary.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/14/20 10:46 PM
Yeah, I didn't like that comment either. I told her as much and that it was too much too soon and he isn't ready for all that. It made me feel a little awkward as well. She has never made the comment again. Her mom was hard on her and her sister growing up which explains some things. I think part of the issue is that what she sees in me is the exact opposite of her XH so I think that explains a lot of what her desire is for me. She told my mom that I am her everything and from her perspective I get it. Maybe that clouds her judgement sometimes, not sure, but it is clear I am the one and she is waiting on me. Certainly other comments she has made make me pause for concern as well. I try to look at the entire body of work.

She likes her alone time and for the most part her son keeps to himself. My girls are much more interactive and always want to be around me, are not quiet. Definitely a big change for her going from one kid in the house to 3. That said she has been nothing but nice and pleasant with my girls. We have played board games together, she got them gifts for all the holidays, baked them cakes for their birthdays, want them to be involved in other activities. She has also made it clear to me that she would make sure they were taken care of in the future. We have had conversations about college and even if the time comes if they ever wanted to come live with us.

She has a big heart and have seen it in action several times. There are not a lot of people in her inner circle but once you are in she treats you like gold.

Certainly no rush and as I have said before my girls have to be comfortable. Something a definitely wont force.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/15/20 09:04 PM
I felt like hawho did over that comment.
Look up Patricia Papernow and stepfamilies. She has some good advice - similar to something KML once posted. The current theory is that the non biological parent is not supposed to be the disciplinarian. They need to ďconnect not correctĒ which she says takes years (not just months) And that authoritarian parenting by the step parent is toxic. Her book is expensive but you can get some good stuff from her website. None of this is easy on the kids. But with years of work it seems like stepfamilies can succeed. Just not easy.
For me - family and marriage has always been important to me. Itís part of my culture and Luckily my fiancťís as well. But many people forgo blending families because of the heartache and work that comes with it. Iím scared too and know that disgruntled children can really destroy a relationship like nothing else. Itís the statistics. So maybe if itís something your both considering - really prepare.
Posted By: JujuB Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/15/20 09:09 PM
She defines authoritarian parenting too as different from authoritative (which is warm and loving but still needs to come in time ) my thought is that if you yourself donít feel connected - then leave discipline to her so that you know your coming from a good place with her son.
Posted By: neffer Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/15/20 09:30 PM
Keep anxiety aside J9

Enjoy your sitch consciously.

Relax, keep your pace.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/15/20 09:45 PM
I have to admit I cringed when you wrote that . And worried a little about how she says you are her everything. She puts you up on a pedestal. But you certainly wonít stay there forever. What happens when you arenít anymore?

And generally the coach is WRONG, lol. A woman who is in her right mind would not disown their child for love. Thatís a mentally unstable woman.

Is there a level of connection lost between the doc and her son??

The person who I fear for in this blended family is her son. There already seems to be a disconnect between her and her son and she hard on him and at times belittling . When he sees how you are with your girls and then sees the doc be nicer to your girls than her own son, that poor boy isnít going to thrive like that.

I hope you develop that bond with him. He needs it. I do yuh n he probably feels in competition with you for the little bit of the time the doc has to share. Gotta be rough on him.


And ahhhhhh, puberty. My daughter got her period 2 months ago at 12.5. And the poor child has had it too more times since. She called me yesterday at work stressing and crying and freaking out over small stuff. I told her she was probably getting her period again and boom, there it was. While she is at her dads this weekend, she does become more clingy to me when she has it. And and even though she might become a little B , she wants more hugs and kisses and quality time believe it or not. So maybe it is the good old hormones. And the week on/ week off schedule is tough. We donít have 50/50, and she gets a week away from her dad every now and then and handles it well, but does begin to miss him. Sheís only away from on vacation for a week or longer, and weíll, thatís vacation, lol.

Have you thought about talking the the kids about an alternate plan? Your ex of course first. Maybe a 3/4 schedule? A week is ? Iíve probably asked you this before.....

By the way, I think you guys have the perfect scenario right now. 2 houses, a mile away, lots of together time and apart time when you need it and neither of you are stepped for cash, so 2 mortgages arenít a big deal.......

If that was my situation? I would get married and live apart!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/16/20 01:33 AM
Yes...Ö.I have no desire to discipline him at this point. It's not even on my radar, I always defer to the Doc. I stopped engaging with him because it just led to frustration on my part and he would not want to do whatever I suggested anyway. It's the path of least resistance for me. I am also very aware of the power struggle with his mom and the competition that might be brewing between him and I regarding his mom. I certainly don't want to be that guy. I am actually very self-aware.

Thanks NefÖ...I do need to remember to run my own race.

Honestly G I am a freaking catch and she knows it. I believe to her I am everything her XH wasn't. So in her mind she feels like she hit the jack pot. I do understand though and when I read that I was like WHOA! What happens when I am not there? Not sure, my XW thought I was great at one point to. I guess that is where you hope your core values are in alignment but people change so no guarantees. I think my chances are good, she was married to a dude for over 10 years who had no job, couldn't get it up and had nothing to do with their son. Based on that I like my odds.

They connect in intellectual ways. She is his person but unfortunately she doesn't spend a lot of time with him. She does see him every morning and puts him to bed every night. Since her XH has been out of the picture due to his surgery she has him every weekend as well. Last summer she took him to water parks by herself, they read together, lay in bed together, she helps him with his homework however when she is in her full tilt Type A personality mode she is all business. She is not a touchy feely, emotional person that is I guess what you would call your prototypical mom. I do think her son would benefit from more of that from her.

I agree her son has the most to lose. He definitely has his routine. He goes to bed every night at 7:30 and wakes up at 6. When he wakes up he comes downstairs and watches TV in his moms bed. He is set on her schedule and she doesn't really deviate from it. My girls go to bed, in a normal situation at 8:30 and wake up around 7. Now though they are up until like 11 waking up around 9. I am working from home and it's practically the summer so I could care less. That is just one example but the differences certainly will be challenging. I just can't imagine being on the same page with everything. There is no way my 11 yr old is going to bed at 7:30.

I would like to develop a bond but I am definitely not pushing it. He can come to me on his own terms when he is ready. He is the type of kid you have to play Jedi mind tricks with. If you want him to go outside and play or ride bikes you would have more success getting him out their if he knew it was something you didn't want to do.

It could be hormones for sure. I probed deeper last night and she said she sad that her mom is alone by herself. I guess since her BF has a job now and moved a little farther away they don't see each other as much. She said she feel sad for me as well when I am alone and not with the Doc. She also made some comments about mommy getting frustrated with them when she is doing homework and my oldest wanted to be there so mommy could get frustrated with her and not someone else. Then she asked who's idea it was to get Divorced. I toed the line and told her it was a joint decision. She is not old enough to handle the truth and I would only be honest out of spite and that is not right for my daughters. I just listened to her, told her that mommy and daddy love her very much and that we are perfectly happy. I then let her know that I get frustrated with her to just like mommy does and while it's not always right parents do get frustrated from time to time but that doesn't mean she is not loved. She also had a sleep over with a friend on Saturday night and didn't see her mom on Sunday so did not get her full week with her mom. The have Facetimed a couple times this week and we drove to her mom's house on Wednesday so she could get her Airpods so she was able to see her. It also could be becoming a reality to her that we are not getting back together.

You have asked and we had discussed it but really didn't feel the kids were struggling with it too much. During the school year there is always an activity going on to where it was never a full week without seeing the other parent. This time around my youngest has been fine so IDK.

It is a perfect scenario and she is so good to me.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/16/20 11:40 AM
Thank goodness Iím not the only one who thought that was an odd thing for the doctor to say. I was beginning to think I was losing it and maybe it was just me so I didnít comment but then others did, so I wasnít alone. It also makes me cringe even more that she says youíre her everything. You always describe her as this strong, analytical, non-emotional, type A personality and that seems true with her son but then sheís all flowery and swoony over you. That kind of doesnít make sense. Iím not saying you arenít a catch because you really are, at least from this angle, but her emotion toward you seems somehow disproportionate from the emotion she displays toward her own child. Of course, there are many subtle nuances to all this that we arenít privy to and I get that.

I donít know either of you so I am likely just crazy but something about how you describe her versus how she acts/is just doesnít quite gee haw in my mind. I have long feared for you exactly what G pointed out.....what happens when you get knocked off that pedestal?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/16/20 12:13 PM
Dawn expressed that very well.

Itís kind of what I am lost on. I know you are a catch. But her response to you and her child with her type a clinical personality are very disproportionate .

I am sure you deserve to be on the pedestal, but we all know itís not healthy to keep someone up there forever. And itís just not realistic no matter how much of a catch you are.

Iím sure there is tons we are missing here. This is just a snippet and we arenít present in your every day.

Sounds like your daughter is having a normal reaction to all of this and the reality is hitting her and she is going through her own form of grieving. Hey, itís tough even in the best of situations. Itís good she has 2 parents who love her so much
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/17/20 04:50 AM
Quote
She also made some comments about mommy getting frustrated with them when she is doing homework and my oldest wanted to be there so mommy could get frustrated with her and not someone else.


And who would that someone else be??? Her sister??? You, in absentia???

Worries me a little that she feels she has to manage her mother like that.

And yes, definitely sounds like sheís coming to grips with the idea that her parents might never get back together (they all harbor that wish, even my adult kids who knew he cheated on me - thatís why I didnít even introduce any of my dates to them for years).

Maybe things arenít going so well between your ex and her BF, and this was sparking some hope on their part that you might get back together.

Tread carefully. My sisterís second husband was married to a woman who wanted to ďsee what else was out thereĒ. They split and he met and started dating my sister, whom he then married. He had a daughter (as did my sister) grade school age. My sister, who is darn near a saint, did everything she could to be a good stepmom. But unbeknownst to her, the ex wife was telling her daughter that if it wasnít for my sister, she would still be with her dad (the one she wanted to cheat on!) . Itís now over twenty years later, my sisterís husband died last fall. The stepdaughter has been a complete biatch to my sister since the funeral. Frankly, the kid always was an entitled little twit, but the venom directed at my sister comes directly from the lie told by her mother.

I understand all the advice to tell the kids it was a mutual thing. Just try to make sure the kids arenít being told something different by their mother - in which case you might need to clarify that it was your wifeís idea.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/18/20 12:23 PM
I am not sure, the Xw doesnít have any family close, they are in Cali so maybe just anyone else in general. It worries me a bit as well, thought about letting the Xw know but ended up not doing it. Not shocking though as the Xw could only handle the kids in small doses so I could see her getting frustrated.

At this juncture I donít feel as though they are being told something different. When the time comes I will let them know also my role as well. Even though she tapped out, the truth is that we just grew apart, she realized it before I did, and we didnít have the tools to work through it. When she finally got to the point to say something directly she was soo far gone nothing was going to stop it from happening.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/18/20 01:56 PM
I don't have much experience with this but the perception that I get is that in many cases the children of divorce "step up" and try to "take care" of their parents even or perhaps especially at a young age.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/18/20 02:33 PM
That could be it as she also indicated that she worries about me when I am alone and not with the Doc. She said she misses her mom and has never once said anything about not wanting to go to her moms place etc.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/19/20 03:52 PM
I had a convo with the XW today about an unrelated matter however she brought up to me that she was taking the summer off from school as it wasn't working out with her and the girls. I took the opportunity to let her know what my oldest said about mommy getting frustrated with her, she doesn't want her to be alone, and that she wishes she was their so mommy could get frustrated with her and not someone else. The XW started to cry, indicated that it was not her responsibility to take on that burden and it was further proof something needed to change. She knows I told her and that my heart is in the right place so that was not a concern. I just listened, validated but am glad I said something to her about it. Hopefully the XW will be more aware moving forward.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/19/20 06:23 PM
I finally met the XW's BF today. I picked up my oldest and took her to her 5th grade graduation parade. On our way back I texted my the XW to let her know we where returning and she texted my daughter to let her know she wanted me to meet him. Not sure why she didn't ask me directly but any way I am glad it happened.

I had no emotion at all, it didn't bother me in the slightest. He seemed like a good guy and is good with my girls so it was all positive. We all sat in her living room and chatted for probably 20 minutes or so. I didn't feel awkward at all. He wasn't a jerk, arrogant or anything of that nature. The conversation flowed well and I didn't feel any jealousy or anything. I didn't feel in competition with him it just all felt very natural.

I am actually very happy that we all seem to get along and their doesn't seem to be any resentment towards anyone.
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/19/20 07:00 PM
Interesting. If it all went so smoothly I wonder why he (or she?) has been so resistant o you meeting before this?

Of course, maybe you didn't feel any stress because you know you are the Superior Male Specimen - it's awfully easy not to feel competitive when you're the clear winner, huh? wink

Anyway - good to know he seemed like a nice enough guy. I'm grateful that my ex's wife (not an OW) has seemed to be nice enough to my adult children, that's all I care about (and hoping she continues to care for my ex in his old age so my kids don't have to).
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/19/20 07:23 PM
The xw admitted that me not meeting him was on her part, not him but not sure why. I believe its because she is embarrassed or not confident, just my opinion. I don't think it was because early on she was protecting my feelings. Honestly as long as he is good to my girls, which he seems to be, that is all I care about.

True....I am the winner so I know that's the reason why!
Posted By: DonH Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/19/20 11:11 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
True....I am the winner so I know that's the reason why!

Ha! Not saying itís true but also not saying itís false. What prompted me to hit reply is you well may be the winner but, at least recently and currently, your daughters are the losers in all of this. Not blaming you. Not finding fault. Just saying, especially based on whatís been going on with them, especially the oldest... your wife is clearly not the winner either. Perhaps you are better off or will be. But really there are few if any winners. D is just often so sad. But hey, your x got what she wanted... or at least what she thought she wanted. Itís much like MWD says early on in DR. They think itís going to solve all of the problems and create this better life, but in the end, there are few winners.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/19/20 11:40 PM
True that dh......while I have done a good job of picking up the pieces and moving on I am not sure if I will ever truly get over it 100%. There is a part of me that will always hurt over it.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/20/20 12:44 AM
True that J. Just like in poker you have to make the best out of the hand youíre dealt.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/20/20 02:08 PM
Crazy thing is that I didn't have any feelings for her, I didn't feel jealous towards her BF, I wasn't sitting there fuming on the inside, my focus was just talking with him in an attempt to get to know him. If anything I felt sadness for my daughters that this is know their life.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/20/20 02:21 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Crazy thing is that I didn't have any feelings for her, I didn't feel jealous towards her BF, I wasn't sitting there fuming on the inside, my focus was just talking with him in an attempt to get to know him. If anything I felt sadness for my daughters that this is know their life.


It is a lot different when you are in a serious relationship yourself
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/20/20 03:01 PM
True......I hadn't thought about how I would have felt if I was not.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/26/20 12:58 PM
Good Morning everyone, it has been a few days so I thought I would update as I drink my first cup of coffee.

Still working from home although the restrictions here in Texas have lifted some. The gym finally opened last week so that was a real blessing! Have the girls this week, they had a sleepover at a friends house last night so I had an evening of peace and quiet. That was awesome! My youngest has her birthday next Tuesday, the big 9!! I remember when my oldest hit 4th grade. That is when I realized she was starting to mature

Doc had her 48th birthday on Friday and then on Saturday night we went to a good friend of mines 80th birthday party. It was a fun weekend. Got the girls on Sunday and we went over to the Doc's house Sunday night for a while and played Uno. It was some nice family time......bahaaaaaa!!!

It's a weird feeling but I find my girls getting more comfortable, I find myself getting more comfortable especially now that I see them doing the same. I think it was good for my girls to see me meet the XW's BF, I hope in some ways maybe it brought them some closure or a realization that we are not getting back together again. I have found myself thinking more and more about when the right time is to pop the question. I know the Doc is ready.

I just think my girls need a little more time, really all the kids IMO. Like I said though I do see them progressing. A couple weeks ago we all went over to the Doc's and spent the night. When I asked them if they wanted to go they got excited and said "yes"

The Doc has also had a ton going on with Covid, her office expansion, XH getting sick, and now her mom is running out of money and asking the Doc to move in with her. In the entire time the Doc and I have been dating I don't think I have seen her in just a normal, BAU situation without something major going on in her life. Maybe in some respects it is a good thing as I have got a first hand view into how she handles things.

Anyway, I don't think it's a matter of "if" any more, I think it's more of a matter of when. I am still unpacking that but getting closer.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/26/20 02:10 PM
I agree that seeing how people handle stress is a good thing. I recall when S and I were on a hike on one of our first dates that she lost her phone. No panic, no drama. We turned around, retraced our steps and there it was at a cafe where we'd stopped for tea.

I think that for your Dr, like with S that one of the challenges to be faced is that they are so used to not being supported and being the only one in charge that while they appreciate having someone there to help, they don't know how to do use that help and can have challenges in working as a team. Is that something you are detecting? I'm certainly seeing it here.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/26/20 07:52 PM
A - I am actually not seeing that in my sitch. I have helped the Doc with so many things I have lost track. This weekend I spent several hours in her new office space helping her hang things, moving equipment etc.

The Doc is just stubborn in general but is not afraid to ask for help.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 11:46 AM
Drinking a cup of coffee in complete silence this morning so I thought I would journal a bit. The Doc and I hot a road bump yesterday with the kids. Her and I have never had a fight but the kids did not get along yesterday. We all went to water a water park and then the plan was to go to the Doc's house and spend the night. That plan got halted when the Docs son told me he didn't want the girls to spend the night. I guess their had been a power struggle brewing all day with her son wanting to do one thing and the girls wanting to do something else. Neither one of them just falling in line with the other and since the girls stick together that always makes her son left out.

After we dropped off the Doc at her house I had a convo with the girls in the car about what happened. They said they did do things that he wanted to do but there was 1 side that only 2 people could go down at a time and since he was the odd man out the girls went down together. I guess that is what set him off. The conversation ended with my youngest telling me that if the Doc and I got married she wanted to live with her mom full time, she didn't feel comfortable, and wasn't happy. I mean heck I thought I was going slow, I guess not slow enough for them.

Makes me wonder if it just isn't meant to be and there are too many obstacles to overcome. Her son is not just going to fall in line, he won't participate if it is something he doesn't want to do. My girls will always support one another and go with what the other one wants to do thus always leaving him the odd man out. The Doc and I don't fight, we have always got along very easy. I read other stories on the board about how fast people are moving in with young kids etc. and I just don't see how they do it. I pay very close attention to my girls and check in with them frequently, they are also not azzhole kids either but it's clear that even my pace is too fast for them. I thought I was moving like a turtle.

They do know the Doc is my girlfriend, they both told me that they want me to be happy ( how sweet) and I told them I want them to be happy as well but all three of them are not clicking together. I have had conversations with them about the Doc and I, the potential for marriage etc. but maybe their timeline and my timeline are completely different.

I have not tried to force family to happen either. Obviously when they are with their mother they do not see the Doc or her son. When they are with me we would usually spend a Saturday night together at one of our houses, watch a movie or play a board game, then one day during the week he would come hang out with us for a few hours since school has been out due to covid and I have been working from home. That's really it though but I guess that is too much.

It feels good to type this out and I know this is not an abnormal situation. I bet many families attempting to blend together run into situations like this. Unfortunately not everyone is happy, I guess I am starting to wonder what if they never are or even though I think I am moving very slow it is going to take way more time than I ever expected.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 12:15 PM
Oh J, I am so sorry to hear this, although I am not so surprised. You have truly taken the effort to listen to your girls and take a slow pace. ANd I am going to be 100% honest with you. You can go even slower and give even more time, but it's not going to change until these kids are grown and more on their own,rather than their parents. Having kids become siblings who aren;t actually their siblings is super hard. I think one reason I really wanted it to work with M is because our kids got along famously. ANd I know how difficult that is to find. We were so lucky in that sense.

If you and the doc truly love each other, living together apart as you are is probably the best bet. You live 5 minutes away from each other, have enough money to maintain your own households and get to see eachother often. You could even get married when living in 2 different houses if that ring on the finger is that important to her. When your kids are way older, then maybe moving in together will be more feasible. you can do somethings together and some things apart. Unfortunately, the doc focused more on learning bible verses and spanish, rather than social skills. Maybe in the next few years he will grow up a bit. Then you can consider sharing households. But I don't see it happening anytime soon, But it doesn't mean it has to be the end for you and the doc. If you really have something special, you will both recognize that your relationship will have to look different.

I know for my daughter, the one very important thing for her is not moving out of her school district. ANd if a guys residency is what determines where his kid goes to school and neither of us wanted to move for our kids sake, we would have to be ok with living seperately for our kids for a few years. I do know an OG DB'er who has been with his GF for maybe 4 years now? they have the school district issue, so they have a great R, but aren't living together.

Truth be told, relationships with kids post divorce look so much different. It's a new norm I guess.

I trust things will work out the way they are supposed to for you. I really do.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 12:24 PM
Iím probably going to be in the minority here, but in the specific example your girls stated, I can see why the drís son was put out. Iím not saying your girls shouldnít stick together, but if all 3 of them wanted to go on a 2 person slide, why couldnít they take turns partnering up to do so? Maybe Iím applying adult logic to kids here, but that seems like the obvious solution and one that I would think older children might be able to come up with on their own.

Having said that, though, I donít disagree with anything you said. If this were an isolated incident, I would say yíall could work through it and be fine. I donít think it is isolated though. Sadly, I think this kid has some serious issues and at least part of them are not being addressed by the doctor. Heís adopted, disconnected from the only father heís ever known and his mother, while a good provider who Iím sure loves him, demures to a man with 2 daughters who stick together and outnumber him. He now has to share the one person who has always made him the center of attention with a man who works to be kind to him but also likely gives off a bit of an uneasy vibe and 2 daughters who he perceives as ďganging up on himĒ. I donít think your daughters do that, mind you. They clearly have a precious sisterly bond and that is fantastic. But he doesnít understand that since heís an only child. I just feel bad for the kid.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 01:19 PM
He told my girls they were rude and mean. He is just used to doing things on his own, doing what he wants, and when he wants as he has had no one to tell him anything different. Yes, picking a 3rd person slide would have been optimal. Not sure that crossed their 9 and 11 yr old minds at the time. Unfortunately all the kids are used to their group him his single group and the girls their group so that is the challenge. Maybe better if both of us had 1 kid.

I do feel bad for the kid as well. I am sure it makes him feel even more isolated and an outcast even more however his personality doesn't help. Unfortunately he is used to doing things on his own, playing on his own and will even do his own thing when even playing with a group of kids. I saw it on Wednesday as we all went over to a friends house who have a little boy. The girls, him and the other little boy were all playing then 30 minutes later the Doc's son ends up in the kids bedroom playing by himself. He does his own thing and marches to his own drum.

I can see he really wants to make a connection with people, not sure he knows how to do it though. A good friend of mine, who is in her 60's, told me that the kid will always be fuched up and it's not going to work. She had a bad experience with being a step-mom to an adopted daughter of the man she married after her first divorce however she might be jaded a bit. She said it about ended their marriage several times.

The Doc and I spoke a little about it last night and we felt the issue was 50/50 on both ends. Which is probably accurate to an extent however her son makes it more challenging. I feel bad for him but he is annoying and a beating to be around. My emotions are mixed. I really do believe he is better off by himself on so many levels.

The thing is that the Doc and I get along really well. We have not had one fight or argument since we have started dating. It has been so easy for us outside of the kids. I know I have said this before but she is so good to me, she buys me groceries, buys me booze, gets my coffee for me in the morning, she pays for things, she will do anything I ask her to do. There is no power struggle, she doesn't test me, she fully defers, asks for input, my help, my advice, she wants to spend as much time with me as she can. I could go on but the point is that I have never been treated this way before and I love it. It would be hard to get away from it and I could never go back to being treated any differently. I don't say it to be demeaning or disrespectful but she views me as full blown Alpha and is completely submissive. It was a weird feeling to be treated this way early on but now a fuching love it. She makes it so easy for me to be a man. I do what I want, when I want and how I want and she gives me free reign to do it. I love it!

Money is not an issue, combining households for financial issues is not a priority which makes this all pure. Early on the doc said she didn't want to date permanently without getting married she needs to know it was leading to something. She didn't give a time line on how long other than it needs to be leading to something. Maybe we both are realizing this timeline is much longer than we ever thought. I do know that forcing the issue with the kids won't work and I think it would be the downfall of us.

I personally don't feel a need to rush it, I do have the perfect situation. I do take into consideration her feelings though so I guess the important thing is that we communicate. The Doc and I could end up dating and be in separate houses for years. We will just continue to take ques from our kids.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 01:30 PM
Well, you guys donít fight because she apparently worships the ground you walk on and doesnít rock the boat a bit. Seriously though, how long can that possibly last for! I know you love it, who wouldnít, but is that really healthy?

My fear is for that boy. All of you living under the same roof and her worshipping you like you are a God will be even harder on her son. And your girls might think you are supposed to worship a man.

For dating, all the worship sounds great. But the long term? Gee, I donít know. But hey, Iím still a single gal, so donít take it from me.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 01:32 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

I do what I want, when I want and how I want and she gives me free reign to do it. I love it!




J - take this for what it's worth. That's the kind of freedom that my exh had ... so, there's the grain of salt ... is she doing this because
a. she doesn't want to lose you?
b. she wants as much free reign herself and views this as an egalitarian relationship?
c. she is pretzeling herself on some level?

Make sure the answer is B, not a or c ...
xoxoxoxo
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 01:55 PM
I know but what am I supposed to do? Make her not think I am the greatest thing in the world? Pick a fight? I am kind of at a loss when it comes to that.

Yes, I agree. Me living in the house full time would make it very hard on her son even harder if my girls were there.

I guess I just need to be happy with the current situation?

Doc does like her alone time no doubt. I am sure she doesn't want to lose me either so it could be a combo.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 01:59 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I know but what am I supposed to do? Make her not think I am the greatest thing in the world? Pick a fight? I am kind of at a loss when it comes to that.


we're all clear you're right up there with PB& J sammiches. No need to make her think otherwise.

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9


Yes, I agree. Me living in the house full time would make it very hard on her son even harder if my girls were there.

I guess I just need to be happy with the current situation?


Are you happy with the current situation?

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9


Doc does like her alone time no doubt. I am sure she doesn't want to lose me either so it could be a combo.


I think what I was ineptly trying to convey was to be watchful that she's not pretzeling herself to keep you, because that is not a long term plan for happiness for either of you. Take a subtle approach.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 02:15 PM
Yes, I am happy with the current situation. I get what I want and come and go as I please. When I need a break I just retreat back to my casa. There have been times though were it has been weird going home and everyone not being together. Additionally while both of us don't need the financial benefits that go along with the arrangement it certainly would save us both money (obviously) obviously not a deal breaker but I do think about it from time to time.

I have never felt like she was pretzeling herself. I know the things she does now to keep herself looking beautiful are different than what she did with her XH. Mostly because they didn't have sex and since he couldn't get it up she didn't really care. I don't think what she does is any different than what a lot of women do to feel beautiful as they feel wanted and desired by their husband. In her mind I am everything her XH was not. I am aware though that she was probably a fuching bitch to him especially when he didn't work, couldn't get it up and her mind contributed nothing to their household. I am sure she wore his azz out however that is not me on all accounts.

The kids being an issue could really be a blessing in disguise because it could really let me continue to see if this is the true her or if she is really is putting on a front.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 02:51 PM
Yo King lol. You use the term ďlet meĒ in your last sentence. That doesnít sound king like lol.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 03:17 PM
Lol!!!!
Posted By: HaWho Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 03:24 PM
Well, while I am sorry to hear of this, all I can say is thank goodness you did not rush in there and propose and move in together. Things can always be worse; you could be playing whack-a-mole 24/7.

Remembering my water park (and amusement park) days with young kids, even numbers are best! Personally, had I been in the Doc's situation, I would have brought a friend for my son. I hope I am wrong on this, but I have this sinking feeling that maybe this kid does not have any friends. And on the nights the girls were coming over I would have him have over several friends to change and soften the dynamic. It takes a lot of work and effort to socialize young kids but it pays big dividends. Was he properly socialized with peers? Does he have several buddies he can have over?

Kids are extremely perceptive and almost always underestimated. From my vantage point the question is not so much are you happy with the current situation but, how can we make this better? It seems to be escalating and even when it is not, it' always there under the surface: will they get along today?

I think this problem is not going to go away for a while until these kids see there's something in it for them to blend families. While you may love being the Saudi Prince, her son is watching all that so he has zero interest in opening the door further for you. Your girls are watching that and seeing the contrast of how she treats her boyfriend of a hot second vs. her own son. And then the kids are seeing the different parenting styles and wondering how it all affects them. It's a whole lot!

It seems to me it would help to build a relationship with this kid to alleviate some of this tension from him. But I also think a lot of this comes from the fact that there is something off with the Doc's relationship with him. I think he is not good enough and it seems like often his love is dependent on performing: reciting bible verses and showing how smart he is. There is an opportunity for you to come in here and try to build a bond with this kid. Maybe it's sitting down and trying to play a few of these games with him. As he's into video games, maybe it starts with going to a store (or looking at the App store) and browsing, even buying one you can play together? Maybe it's going to a store and picking out a Lego or something you can build together. He needs to look forward to seeing you. Maybe it's let's grab lunch together: you pick!

As for your girls, on the nights they are with you, do you have many times where it's just the 3 of you and you don't go to the Doc's? Did you tell the Doc what your younger daughter said about wanting to live with her mother if you marry? You have to find out the root of this and fix it in the same way the issues with the boy need to be fixed.

Maybe it would be worthwhile for you and the Doc to have a consult with a family therapist experienced in blending families? You have been saying for a while how great this all is, but the reality is EVERY relationship is work in one form or another. Nothing worth having in this world comes without significant work.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 04:48 PM
Hawhoís post was excellent. And sheís a great momma .

I do think it will work out J. If thereís enough love there , you can make this work. But I think itís going to take a lot of work with the doc and her son individually maybe some counseling there. Along with some related to blending families.

Itís going to be a long process. But if you want this to work, itíll just take a lot of effort . I think you have it in you
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 05:10 PM
He was not properly socialized and doesn't have a group of buddies that he can hang with. He does have a play date on Wednesday with a friend from his school but that is the first time I have known him to do so. The only kid interaction he gets is from my girls.

I tried early on to do things with him but it just became a beating. I bought him a drone for his birthday and we did that for a bit but then that faded away, I actually think he might have broke it. I know I need to make more of an effort it is just such a whip. He only wants to do what he wants to do and I guess I just need to be ok with that.

We only go to the Doc's 1 night on the weeks that I have them. Usually on a Saturday night we will spend the night at her place, order pizza and watch a movie/play a board game. This past week her son came over and Wednesday and hung out with us during the day and then we went to the water park yday. The girls and I have plenty of alone time.

Yes, I told the Doc what my youngest daughter said. I think she might be jealous of the Doc's son and the toys I have bought him and the time spent with him. She commented about how many toys he has, how he doesn't play with them and also doesn't play with the expensive toy I bought him (the drone). It was like $50.

I know it's something we have to work at. The Doc and I briefly discussed sitting them all down and having a talk. I do know we do treat our kids differently and he especially picks up on it. The Doc is also used to doing her own thing with her son as well not having to cater to anyone else's parenting style. For example, she went and bought her son dipping dots. None of the other three kids there had any and obviously when her son walked up with them all the other kids wanted to go get some. She should have waited, she told me she couldn't hold him off any longer as he kept on pestering her. Well I guess she got him a small and I got the other 3 kids mediums. He noticed and that set him off. I had no clue but since she didn't wait the other kids got a different size. I know that upset him because he came to me asking how much the medium cost. Really the differences we have in parenting are food choices and bed time.

He is only realizing now there is a difference in things and eating the same meal every day and going to be at 7:30 is not that cool. He had no other vantage point because he has not been socialized around other kids. He's like in the garden of eden before anyone ate the fruit.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 07:09 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Yes, I am happy with the current situation. I get what I want and come and go as I please. When I need a break I just retreat back to my casa.


Then why get married, ever?


Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

I have never felt like she was pretzeling herself. I know the things she does now to keep herself looking beautiful are different than what she did with her XH.


Am I wrong about the definition of pretzeling oneself? Because I don't define it as doing things to keep the woman looking beautiful. Rather, my definition is that one bends any which way to be pleasing to one's partner to keep them around.

So, is she doing that?

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

The kids being an issue could really be a blessing in disguise because it could really let me continue to see if this is the true her or if she is really is putting on a front.


Putting on a front is a tad stronger than I would go - rather, I would say this extra time will afford you an opportunity to see what the potential is for this dynamic between you to continue successfully, long term, or will something change once you put a ring on it ....
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 07:09 PM
(and men can and do pretzel as well)
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 05/31/20 09:22 PM
Again - he sounds like an Aspergerís kid to me. Heíll probably continue to have difficulty making friends until he is in the company of his peers. And yes, itíd probably be ideal if you and the doc just continue to date without trying to combine families.

You might try reading a little about Aspergers kids, might help you figure out how to relate to him.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 06/01/20 09:06 PM
Not really a reason other than the Doc told me early on she has no desire to date without the intention of getting married.

If she is doing that then I have not picked up on it yet. It has not been obvious but I also don't know how she has treated any of her other romantic partners. I just think she knows that I am a catch and feels very lucky to have me in her life. I have what she places value on and doesn't want to lose it. While she does treat me very well she is not telling me how much she loves me every 5 seconds and just waiting on my every need.

I think if we had moved quick and the kids were acting like they are now we would both be doing some pretzeling.

I did some Google searches today on it and do see some tendencies however if he has been diagnosed the Doc has not mentioned it to me. We haven't really spoke about it much but I think she realizes now that the kids are not ready.
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 06/01/20 10:21 PM
He may not be diagnosed - Aspies often aren't, my son wasn't diagnosed until college (there was less awareness then, but also, he's very extroverted which I think threw the evaluators off when he was younger). But understanding that's what it is - if it is - and learning about it can help you deal with him better.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 06/02/20 12:26 AM
I did some reading today and one of things that stood out is practicing extreme patience with his type. His grandma got him an attachment for his hover board and the Doc asked me if I could put it together for him. As soon as I got to her house this morning it was the first thing he wanted me to. I had some work to do for my job so I told him I just need some time and then I would help him. Well he couldn't wait so he ripped the box open and attempted to do it himself. When I got my work done and had a break in the action I found him and he had the parts all over the place. Even after I told him I just needed some time he kept on asking me questions about what to do, how to do it, etc. Needless to say it was frustrating. So I just took a deep breath, realized he was just probably excited, and proceeded to spend about the nest hour or so putting it together for him. He wanted to help and be involved in every step so let him the best I could but his help was making this project take much longer than it needed. I finally just asked him if I could take over and get it done for him. He agreed and went off to do something else. It helped me to take a step back and process the situation but it was still a beating.

I think part of the issue is that I am used to my girls and I am still getting to know him. Anyway we got it put together and he was able to ride it and took his stuffed animals and blanket with him. SMH......I also need to realize that he is just a little boy, socially immature, and understand he is not the athletic type that wants to I guess those typical boy things. That has been hard for me but I need to drop the expectations. That's on me.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 06/02/20 12:23 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I just think she knows that I am a catch and feels very lucky to have me in her life. I have what she places value on and doesn't want to lose it. While she does treat me very well she is not telling me how much she loves me every 5 seconds and just waiting on my every need.
There's a principle that I try to follow is to never believe you are the smartest man in the room - even if you are.

Make sure you keep working on being the prize you want her to win.

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
He wanted to help and be involved in every step so let him the best I could but his help was making this project take much longer than it needed. I finally just asked him if I could take over and get it done for him. He agreed and went off to do something else. It helped me to take a step back and process the situation but it was still a beating.
My own approach to these sorts of things is to try to give the kid an "important" job and to ask their opinions on things where I'm sure that the answer is either one they know or is obvious.

Working on a project with kids is certainly quite the challenge especially if neither of you have practice doing it.

Depending on how able the kid is to focus (a trait of Aspergers I think - which some believe I have) sorting and organizing all the parts ("Knolling" is what some people call it) can occupy them safely and be quite useful. Teaches them what the different parts are and mean. S's S13 has ADHD and so on Sunday we we planted some perennials. It took him about 10 times as long as it would have me to dig the hole (his part of the job) and he got distracted by the worms that showed up but I let him do it at his own speed with general guidance and it all worked out. He got bored when the job was 75% done so I finished up and thanked him for his help.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 06/02/20 12:54 PM
^^^^^ him wanting to help you every step of the way was a time to bond. Sure, itís going to take a lot longer to get done, will be a pain in the butt and you might want to pull your hair out, but I think there is no way better to bond than that. Itís a an interesting of his, he was excited to build it with you. Something I bet sheís never done with his dad.

So you suck up the torture it is and do it!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 06/02/20 07:39 PM
I know, I know I am trying. I am around him much more than the Doc is around my girls. I know I have to get used to that since she has him full time. It's easier when they are not around but it is hard for me when I do have them and he is asking me and wanting me to do things. For example, at the water park on Saturday he asked me to go down one of the slides with him which I did but I felt bad that it wasn't with my girls. I am just trying to find the balance just because of how he is he expects to get all the attention.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 06/03/20 11:26 AM
Originally Posted by Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own
"It's supposed to be hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it."
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 06/03/20 11:37 AM
I have a feeling if it was sports he wanted learn about, hours could be spent. I get it, itís hard with different interests. But itís going to take a lot of effort and patience.

As far as short changing your girls by going down the slide with him, I get it. I think the doc will have to take part in this too. When M and I went to the water park or the fair, we would trade kids for a little while. I would go on rides with his son, and he went on with my daughter. They both loved it.

It would be good probably for the doc to take the girls to do something and on that day, you take her son to do something. His choice though. You arenít going to make him into a man, but let him share something with you. And fake the utmost interest .
Posted By: job Re: Hitting My Stride VI - 06/03/20 01:34 PM
New Thread:

J9 in Da House Ya'll!!
© DivorceBusting.com