Hitting My Stride V - DivorceBusting.com

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Very true about the differences in dating with/without kids. I do notice how much more I actually appreciate the alone time though post kids. I don�t take time spent for granted - Watching tv is rare as we just want to interact more. So some benefits too.

Now that the Doc has her son full time moments with no kids are becoming very rare.

Tonight is the night we are going to watch the USA woman's team play. My daughters are so jacked up! They are a little disappointed that Alex Morgan isn't playing but it will still be a good time. I am taking some personal time this afternoon so I can pick them up immediately after school is out so we can get to the game early and have them take it all in.

My x MIL and FIL will be in town this weekend. I don't miss their visits at all. I saw the XW yesterday and she commented how she wasn't looking forward to their visit either. They are real nut jobs but my XW could never cut them out of her life. I feel really bad for her but they are not good people. She told me she was not going to let our daughters be alone with them. I'm glad she is still sticking to some of the things we spoke about when we were married.

Spring Break is next week so I am still trying to plan some fun things for me and the girls. I will also have the Doc's son so it should be a good week.

You are living the family married life! You got 3 kids now! Sounds like you are getting closer........

Smart to utilize those parents nights out by the way. Do what you can to get out and keep the romance going

Yes, getting closer. It�s a little scary, I am kind of nervous, and sometimes I can�t believe this is happening.

It�s probably also a good time to check myself as well. I have had the docs son all week as it is spring break. I am off on vacation and thought he could just hang with us so she wouldn�t have to pay anyone. Maybe it has been too much for my girls as they both broke down and started crying. They said they don�t want to leave our house and they don�t want me and the doc to get married and why can�t me and their mom give it another shot. I didn�t get into the details of me and their mom but I just told them that me and their mom love them both very much but that we were not getting back together again. My 10 yr old started to probe a little deeper however I just told her that mommy and daddy just couldn�t be happy together. I still think she is too young for all the details.

It seems whenever they get tired, as they were last night, they become more emotional over things. Anyway, just a reminder of how slow the pace needs to be. Obviously my girls aren�t ready.

Hey man I�m sorry to hear about your update. My kids are a older but more reasons for me to believe I will never marry again. Sounds like you will have some tough decisions to make in the future. Again I�m sorry.

I am certainly not pressing the pedal but it�s clear they need more time which is fine by me as I am in no rush. I also know it has nothing to do with the doc and they would feel this way about anyone.

I also know the doc would completely understand and be supportive of my daughters as well not wanting to push the issue herself.

Yeah absolutely it has nothing to do with the doc.

And it's been almost 3 years for me since the xw moved out and my kids still think this way. I cant imagine 2hat the kids think when they see their parents immediately with someone else like what a lot of guys do over in newcomers.

I think that�s why they say kids are destroyed by divorce. It�s not so much the divorce itself it�s how the parents handle it.

Right......I asked them if they had expressed themselves like that towards their mom and my oldest said no. I guess they feel more comfortable talking to me. I am sure them seeing me and their mom getting along doesnt help but I would think us fighting and arguing would be so much worse.

Definitely no easy way that�s for sure.

Nope.....it's interesting that they have not had these conversations with their mom and she has been dating her BF for much longer than the Doc and I. I believe they place a very high value on our family home and maybe that is their way of holding on to their mom and I getting back together.

I think they feel you guys are much more serious than her mom and BF. Probably a part of the reason they opened up to you. It is great that your kids can safely express their feelings to you. It is a big transition. And I�m sure when it all does happen they will adjust. It might be also an adjustment in sharing their dad with the docs son for such an extended period of time that triggered them . Not so much the doc. And they know that will be a reality if you guys marry. But I know you�ll make sure you still get your alone time with your girls .

They are back to their normal selves today however I do sense a little competition between my oldest and the Doc's son. Since the Doc's son is an only child he is used to getting his way. My oldest is used to being the game master as my youngest just goes along with what my oldest wants to do. So my oldest and the Doc's son have bumped heads on a few occasions. He is also very used to everyone being interested in what he has to say. My daughters could care less so they really don't give him any direction attention. He is also very naive, sheltered, and hasn't had a lot of one on one interaction with other kids. In addition he has no male role models in his life so he is kind of soft and wimpy. HE spends all of his time around his nanny, Grandma, and his Aunt all of which don't give him that rough and tumble little boy interaction. I mean he doesn't even know how to play kick ball but he can recite bible verses.

I told the Doc last Sunday he was a p$ssy. That didn't go over to well although she understood what I was trying to say. I apologized and told her it was poor word choice. It did come out wrong and I felt bad although a few days ago she told him to grow a pair.

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

I told the Doc last Sunday he was a p$ssy. That didn't go over to well. )

That didn�t go over well. Hunh who would of thought? Lol

Lol.....I believe in honesty lh!

Yeah, LH beat me to it. Seriously, you thought that WOULD go over well?!?!?!? Think about it....what if she said your daughters were bitches? Would that go over well, even with some sort of explanation about what she actually meant? Yikes, J9..............

As for your daughters, you clearly have a very strong bond with them and make them feel safe since they can talk to you. That�s awesome! Good job, dad.

I know...she knows it wasnt from a bad place.

I get that you explained what you meant and I know you didn�t mean it from a bad place. My point was that is her kid and if you say stuff like that it is not going to be well-received, just like if someone said it to you about your kids. Our defenses immediately go up when someone disses our kid, even if they were trying to be helpful.

I get that although if she said that about my daughter I would probably agree unless it really wasn't true.

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

I told the Doc last Sunday he was a p$ssy. That didn't go over to well although she understood what I was trying to say. I apologized and told her it was poor word choice. It did come out wrong and I felt bad although a few days ago she told him to grow a pair.

Sounds like she's aware of the issue and agrees. It's tough when you're around other people's kids, especially in a position of authority / and for lack of a better word - leadership.

Tough I think for both the kids and the adults. I presume that the kids find themselves on a shifting ground of expectations and rules and the adults have some difficulty with there being another voice and set of attitudes that may be inconsistent with how they've been operating for yours. I suppose kind of like when a new boss comes in but you still have the same foreman. Who is actually in charge?

I'm trying to deal with this by saying "not my kid" which is easier with teens and up. And even so, find myself biting my tongue on a fairly regular basis. The issues get dealt with. Not necessarily in the way I would have done it. And the kids are learning - albeit somewhat slowly that they can't play us off against each other and that "Mom" is still firmly in charge. Younger kids are a lot harder.

How are your girls doing otherwise? Are they seeing anyone to talk things through with? Do they have friends who've gone through divorce and are thriving? This social distancing must be tough on them.

She doesn't handle things the way I would sometimes and I do find myself biting my tongue as well. On the flip side I try to remember that I am sure she wants to correct my girls at times as well. That I don't handle things like she would.

My oldest can be bossy at times and there is a power struggle that occurs between the Docs son and her. She is 10 and is used to being the ring leader especially with my youngest. Her son is the only child so he used to doing what he wants and doesn't just fall in line with my 10 yr old. My 8 yr old is still not overly mature either so I do understand part of it.

He is a very smart little boy, just soft and doughy. No male role model in his life so the things he does to get approval or attention from the ladies in his life is all centered around what they approve of. Which is reading books, practicing his Spanish and reciting bible verses. Also propping him up on his ipad so they get quiet time. He is 8 and just played kick ball for the first time 2 days ago in the street with the neighborhood kids.

Unfortunately he just hasn't been allowed to be a boy. Yes, the Doc is very aware and I know that is one of her draws towards me. She is looking for someone to be a male role model for her son. He is just not to the point yet to where he looks up to anyone other than the 4 women in his life and seeking their approval.

My girls are doing well, we are not perfect social distancers. We went to this drive through animal park on Tuesday, have played outside with the neighbors, got some ice cream, shaved ice, and have been to the park several times. It has been a really crappy week though with it raining every day. My back yard is like a mud bog. They also have their technology, ipads, phones, etc. so they can talk to their friends

No more mention of their concerns about me getting married. They are acting like normal. We never did get them into therapy after our D as they signs of them struggling were not apparent. They do have friends that have went through D as well so they are familiar although they refer to it as mommy and daddy broke up. When they asked the other night I just told them that mommy and daddy couldn't be happy together. They are still too young for the complete truth which, after my period of self reflection, would also include the role that I played as well.

I think you can get away with "not my kid" until you are all living under one roof and realizing that your soon to be wife will not always be around. I think living together kind of forces that on you so obviously you both need to communicate in order to provide a unified front.

We are going over to the Docs house tonight as she wants to make cupcakes with the girls. Tomorrow she plans on going out to her ranch and the girls and I could certainly go with her but since they have been with her son all week my thought is that it might be good if everyone had a break.

The reason why I ended up watching her son was because I am off on vacation all week and thought it would save her money and additionally she is helping my oldest with some medical issues (nothing serious) and she does not charge me for anything she has done. So I guess in a way we have been some horse trading of services

Go on to the You Tubes and search for Foghorn Leghorn Baseball. It's my image of you and the boy including the accents. Stereotypes can be fun

Haha...I will do it. He is not one of those jerk little boys he just needs to grow a pair. Those were the docs words not mine. He is just very controlling and will not try anything new for fear of failure or being vulnerable. He wont even play a board game if it puts him in a position to lose. He is very controlling about what he chooses to do and expose himself to.

I'm not a parenting expert by any means, but the way you describe him in the post above is more about the doc's parenting than the little boy's need to "grow a pair". It sounds to me like SHE has VERY high standards and he is afraid to not meet those as it may disappoint her. I would be interested to know how she handled being disappointed by him. Not at all saying she is a bad parent, mind you...just saying maybe it isn't all him.

Yes, her standards are very high! She doesn't play. When he cries at school she takes away his candy. If he leaves crumbs on the floor she makes him get the dust buster and vacuum them up. If he picks out an easy Spanish book to read she make him get a more difficult one. If he doesn't remember all of his scriptures she makes him repeat until he gets them right. The other day she had him carry a box inside and he said it was too heavy. That's when she told him to grow a pair. She also mentioned to me that she told him he was getting fat. She is a perfectionist for sure.

Make me wonder what tests I had to pass. When it comes to me though, she treats me like a king!

So it certainly could be caused by her to some degree. He has control issues, even holds on to his stool.

No wonder the kid is scared to lose at a board game!

Sounds like the Doc better sleep with one eye open lol.

She told him he was getting fat?!? OMG!

Wow....maybe it is just me (and I'm totally weird so I get it if it is), but that all seems a bit harsh on the doctor's part. I am all about discipline, pushing kids to do their best, making them do chores and pick up after themselves, but to actually say to his face that he needs to grow a pair because he said a box is too heavy? I thought she said that to you. I didn't realize she said it directly to him. And tell him he's getting fat????? Yikes! I wouldn't be surprised if the kid is a freaking mess. I mean, isn't he like 6 or 7? So, if he is getting fat, that is kind of on her and what she is feeding him because a kid that age isn't going to have the chance to get a lot of extra food, particularly junk food, unless someone buys it for them and gives it to them. And, if he is not outside and active like other kids, well, again, kind of on her because she is the adult and can MAKE HIM go outside and play. I kind of felt sorry for her when you first started describing the kid's behavior awhile back, but now I just feel sorry for him. I'd be careful. If you gain some weight or complain about something, she might call you fat or tell you you need to grow a pair.

I wonder if him being adopted has anything to do with it. He really doesnt eat that much junk however he doesn't get any exercise either outside of Thursday night swimming lessons so it could just be his genetics. The good thing is that the doc worships the ground I walk on and in her eyes I can do no wrong. She gives and gives to me.

He is 8 and unfortunately doesn't have much socialization with other kids outside of what he gets at school. He was in cub scouts for a while but that ended when their troop folded and the meetings got moved to a different night. I was never a cub scout kid, imo dorks do cub scouts, but if he enjoyed it then more power to him.

Anyway, the doc is a little harsh and critical. We were out a couple of weeks ago and she introduced me to a friend of hers and she told them what a perfect role model I was. Maybe I can help soften her up some but I also dont want to tell her how to parent either. His control issues are evident I just dont think she understands her role.

He wont even let someone take his picture. Rarely ever.

Oh man. I am sure an adopted child probably feels the need to please their parents even more. I couldn�t even imagine how that poor boy feels. And how he must feel seeing that the doc worships the ground you walk on while seemingly he can�t do much right in her eyes.

I do hope she softenes up a little.

Grow a pair? Telling him he�s fat? Sorry, that�s verbally abusive parenting. Poor kid.

And beware - she thinks you�re perfect? No one is, and what happens eventually when she finds out you�re not?

(And don�t even get me started on the hypocrisy of bible verses and guns - pretty sure that�s not what Christ had in mind).

I dunno - you�re there, we are not. But I�m starting to have doubts about her.

She is a dichotomy for sure. I have also seen her be really nice and sweet as well. Like today she baking cupcakes with the kids. There are obviously other things I can list as well but I understand unfortunately I just listed some of the opportunities.

So, just thinking about this long term, how would the blending of parenting styles impact these 3 kids? Let�s say Doc continues to adhere to parenting her son as she chooses and you parent your girls in a very different way, as you choose. And the three kids are watching all this.

When he has to dustbust the crumbs and the girls do not dustbust theirs, what is the impact on these kids, their relationships to each other and to you two? Sounds to me like there are two totally opposite sets of rules and ways of thinking.

As Andrew pointed out, these issues are tougher with young kids. You might want to look more into perfectionism, its root causes and its impacts. Like it or not, your daughters will be heavily exposed to it when with the Doc, even if it not directed at them. But, eventually, it very well might be directed at you and them as she does it to her own son.

Now I�m not a physiologist but in the research I have done perfectionism comes from feeling that your not enough usually established in childhood. My guess is her parents may have been hard on her and she is continuing the. Process.

I think her mom was the one that pushed her.

Don't get me wrong she is not like Cruella. Like I said I can give you so many other examples of her sweet and giving nature. Today she went to the store and bought some stuff for my daughters that they like because she knew the shelves were close to being empty. She just has very high standards and is certainly strict around some things that I am not. She also has high expectations for him. Maybe sometimes she just forgets to let him be a kid. Maybe better balance at times. IDK,

Long term parenting styles would have to be a topic of conversation, one that has not been had yet. There would need to be give and take on both ends....truthfully my daughters could use some more structure and her son could benefit from a little more kid time. Maybe we both would help balance each other out.

If I felt the Doc was not a good person I would certainly not subject my daughters to her and it would be over.

J,

I�m certainly not saying the Doc is a bad person. Not easy being a parent and there is no manual. I�m just more aware how many issues can develop in childhood and I try to be aware of it.

For sure, never thought that for a minute. It's just stuff to work through and communicate about. Especially if this is going to continue to grow. Certainly stuff that is deeper than a baseline attraction

beware being on a pedestal. the fall is usually not pretty. time is your friend. use it wisely, as I know you will.

I was a perfectionist until I had my son. he beat it out of me, thank God.

I was raised by a man who said if I couldn't do something perfectly, I shouldn't do it at all. I love my dad to pieces and respected him and took it to heart.. My son taught me the futility of perfectionism. I'm grateful to him for that every single day. my life is a lot easier now.

Yes...using it wisely for sure and am in no rush. We are spending more time together with all the kids but I am happy to so I can continue to get comfortable and watch the interactions. So far I have not seen anything that makes me pause for concern about how she would treat my daughters.

She made Easter cupcakes with all the kids last night and she was very patient with them as she was showing them how to decorate.

My girls come first and I would never so anything that they were not comfortable with. I have not told the doc 2hat my girls said about not wanting to move or get married but if she did ask we would definitely have the conversation.

Not much to report. Working from home, the girls are with their mom and the Docs office is still open although she is stressed to the max. These situations drastically increase her stress levels so she is not as talkative, more focused on business and as a Doc is really worried about the state of affairs. She had to lay off one of her staff last week and is debating on laying off another. Her solo practice has only been open for a 1.5 years and she is also in the process of expanding her office which will increase her rent. Needless to say she has a lot on her plate.

The girls are fine. We had a good spring break together although with nothing open it was hard to keep them occupied.

I did tell my X about the min breakdown the girls had regarding my situation with the Doc. I also told her what I said about us not getting back together either and how the girls might be experiencing a little bit of the Parent Trap. Our youngest does struggle a lit bit when we do the hand off on Sundays so she invited me and we all sat around the kitchen table and chatted for a bit. Yesterday the X sent me a text asking if she could come over to the house so they could get their bikes and go on a bike ride. My wife lives where that is not possible so I didn't have any problems with it. She still knows the code to the garage so I told them to enjoy. I know my girls needed to get out and have some activity.

It's a gorgeous day down here, went for a run this morning and getting ready to head into the office for a few.

You called your ex your wife.

Oops

You know I had to call you out on that.

I�m sorry the doc is going through so much stress. Our private practices are hurting here big time.

It's ok G! Yes....it is crazy and all of you are amazing!

Sitting here at home tonight days spent working at home and home schooling the girls. Really not much to report as there is nothing to do. I have been running in the mornings, doing push ups and sit ups, going on bike rides with the girls and trying to keep my sanity.

The Doc's son has been spending quite a bit of time with us during the week as I am home and it saves her time and money by finding someone to watch him since school is out. She also doesn't want to take him to work with her as to run risk of possible exposure. Needless to say she is stressed out to the max. So him hanging with us during the day was innocent, happened by the current situation in the world and was not done on purpose however.........

It has become very obvious to me that he has been spending too much time with me and my girls which really hit home to me last night when they had a break down. Same conversation as before with my youngest expressing she wished that the X and I would get back together again and both girls expressing frustration with the Doc's son and his behavior/attitude towards them. So I called the Doc this morning and told her that we needed to dial back on the kid interactions in general as I think it is too much too soon and the kids are feeling the effects.

It was an easy conversation to have as it is all about my daughters and how they are handling things. Simply put they are clearly not ready. She understood and knows that her son has behavior issues. He is not used to interacting with other kids, sharing, participating in the give and take, only wants things his way, doesn't know how to compromise and thinks everything that he does is the most important thing in the world. He has an out and a counter opinion to everything and just doesn't fall in line when you ask him to do something. He has to debate and offer alternatives to get what he wants and can't stand not being the center of attention or not being right. He also can't stand not being the best at something and he can't put himself in a position to lose. For example, he won't bring his bike over to ride with us because he just got his training wheels off and he doesn't want anyone to see him potentially not ride his bike well. Or the other night he didn't get to watch the movie he wanted to watch so he started crying and went up stairs leaving my girls to watch the movie by themselves. I guess very symptomatic of being an only kid. It is actually kind of annoying and he really tries my patience. Even though these are his issues or quirks, he is not a mean kid. My girls were even asking me on how to handle him, respond to him and what they could or could not say. Anyway enough is enough. Again the Doc was totally understanding. TBH her son could be overwhelmed as well.

In the little guys defense he hasn't really spent any time with his father or seen him in quite some time due to his heart and kidney transplant which I am sure has had impacts on him. He also hasn't got to see his Grandma either because she is high risk and quarantined. Now he is spending time with me and seeing me father my girls and it has to impact him in some way. It's just time to chill. Again she was totally supportive, I was very honest with her, told her everything that my girls expressed to me and she doesn't want them to feel a certain way either. I am just glad they feel comfortable coming to me and talking about it. I think I am also more aware because I am the one spending time with the kids during the day, seeing them interact. She is at work and doesn't get the same view I do.

The Doc is wound up like a clock, worried about her business, worried about her mom, worried about her son, her office is expanding, doubling in size, so her rent just increased and now in the middle of this Pandemic she is freaking out. She has now closed on Wednesday and Friday's, additionally having to let go of one of her staff. All of this and her concerns over her XH and his health, the gym is shut down so her exercising is not what it used to be so she is really a hot mess. I just listen and validate like a champ!

So we continue on however getting any time together without a kid around hasn't happened in quite some time.

The good news is that I am seeing her completely stressed out, we are past the honeymoon phase, and getting additional insight into how she behaves when all the chips are on the table. There have been times where she has been annoying, there have been times I have wanted to tell her to get a freaking grip, times where she has shut down some, etc. etc. but honestly for the most part she is a freaking rock. But she is stressed.

In some ways I am glad though because it really gives me reason to slow things down. The stuff with the kids and all the other stress in her life just makes it very clear to me. For that I am grateful.

I hope everyone is doing well, staying safe and being healthy!

You might think, at first, I�m just bring my wise alleck self but I am dead serious here. Have you watched The Big Bang Theory, or Young Sheldon? Because he sounds a lot like Sheldon - A LOT!!! Always having to be right, never wanting to fail, always using his wit or intellect to get his way. Always has to be the center of attention. Now of course Sheldon is just a character on television but it�s based very much in truth. He�s also genius level. It�s really sounding a lot like this child.

I think you handled it very well as did the doc. I can think of so many women who would have gotten really upset and even turned it around on you. These are good signs on both of your parts.

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

In the little guys defense he hasn't really spent any time with his father or seen him in quite some time due to his heart and kidney transplant which I am sure has had impacts on him.

Did I miss something? He got a transplant?

She did handle it well, seems a bit distant but I guess that is some what expected. Not sure what she had worked up mentally in her mind but us moving in together and getting married won't happen soon as I can't have my daughters struggling with the process. Her son also has a lot of adjusting to do as well not only emotionally but mentally. He is going to be challenge and is very immature.

I have heard of the show but never seen it. He is a very smart kid, speaks Spanish, good with his studies, the Doc makes him recite scripture nightly at bed time so to his credit he is whip smart. The downside is all the other stuff. Again not mean or hateful, not one of those little punks that would push a girl down or anything like that. I have also seen him be really sweet as well. Again he is probably struggling but doesn't verbalize like my daughters do. Being around us and me specifically is new to him.

Yeah the Doc's XH spent about 1.5 months in ICU. His heart was failing and he ended up getting a dual heart and kidney transplant. He has a history of heart disease in his family. He just got out of the hospital about 2 weeks ago. So outside of 2 or 3 hospital visits and a few Facetime calls her son hasn't spent in time with his dad in over 3 months. His Grandma was also a big part of his life as well and he hasn't been able to see her either due to the Pandemic. The Doc's sister hasn't been able to come to town also who he would see at least once a month and now that there is no school he is completely out of his normal routine.

J,

I'm glad the conversation went really well but something tells me you are not out of the woods yet buddy lol. Type As take a lot of pride on how they raise their children. You're in a tough spot for sure because you are trying to do the right thing but also need to look out for the best interests of your daughter. Your kids are very young so that makes it tough too. I have a feeling why study's show that when they ask divorce people if they are happier 5 years down the majority are not happier and wish they would of tried harder because this stuff is difficult . As far as post D relationships with kids you are the best we have and it seems challenging. Andy's does not look fun but that's an entire different story.

As long as marriage isn't an urgency I'm sure you will figure it out.

Well me trying harder would have been violating DB principals and I would have chased, etc. The XW would of had to be the one to try harder which wasn't something she was interested in so here we are

The good thing is that she knows he is a handful. She is aware that his personality is difficult which is essentially if I am not happy no one else is happy. It just gets amplified when we are around since that puts him in a position of having to give and take. She picks and chooses her battles and really her nanny is the one that handles most of it since the doc really only is with him maybe 2 hours a day during the week.

Difficult for sure however the good thing is that I have no problems telling her and having the convo. I was diplomatic but I was honest with her about what daughters expressed to me.

The challenging part is the kids. Two adults with no kids at home not a big deal. Much more to navigate with young kids at home which is why I think most people who get divorced with young kids choose to casually date or not date all together until their kids are out of the house.

Truthfully...the doc lives 2.8 miles away. I would be perfectly fine just doing what we are currently doing for a long time. Besides she has so much on her plate right now getting married she be the last thing on her radar. She is freaked out about 100% of the time and stressing over all of what is happening right now. Then add in her XH, her kid, etc. and it is just icing on the cake.

I was talking about WWs. I�m guessing your ex�s relationship isn�t easy either.

Sounds like you have a good thing going right now. Don�t mess with success!

That's good news on the Doc's XH.

I often told my kids that if I can't be a good example then at the very least I can be a horrible warning.

Keep doing you.

I think the XW enjoys her alone time without the girls and she has her BF to take care of her primal needs. Outside of her financial issues she has the perfect set up.

The Doc is locked in on my and has pulled no punches in letting me in know that I am her chosen one. I am in no rush and this could take years to happen. We HHH pretty well and neither one of us put pressure on each other. She will mention something every now and then but for my part her life needs to be a little less chaotic and she needs to be more secure with her practice. I think the entire time we have been dating I have not seen her in a normal state of just living and enjoying life.

Her son sounds like my son. My son is super impulsive though. I don�t know if it�s an only child thing, a spectrum thing, a gifted child thing (not saying this to sound pretentious - high IQs come with really difficult behaviors and emotionally/socially immature kids ). or a lack of male role model thing or what.

It�s an issue I�m experiencing as well with my BF and his older kids. My son can be annoying. He wants to connect so badly but he struggles and ends up just annoying them. I leave just wanting to cry because I�m so frustrated with my sons behaviors - plus I deal with it without a nanny or much help. I have exploded on my son, tried positive reinforcement, spoke with social workers etc. I have told my son that he is annoying people because it gets so bad and I don�t want him to be rejected but then worry about hurting his self esteem too. I even had my son go back and watch videos of himsel with other people and he even admitted he was being annoying - but nothing works!

It leaves me in a tough position - because I love my son so much - but I�m scared about how we will blend as a family too. I think we are different in that my bf seems to be more ready for blending families then you are presently.

Anyway - I don�t have answers. Just a similar experience from the other side.
. We tried a counselor but good ones are hard to find and we are still gonna look after this mess. I know I try to limit the time they spend so his kids aren�t too overwhelmed, but the counselor seemed to advise to get them together more so they are used to each other and don�t view each other as a threat.

Sounds about the same J.....her son is very intelligent as well but extremely annoying. Has a complete melt down if he doesn't get his way and if you tell him the sky is blue would argue with you that it is green. It really is exhausting and the Doc knows it as well and has had the same conversations as you have. He will run up to her and say things like "Give me all of your hugs!" "Give me all your money!". Then he will talk in baby talk and just do really annoying things. I have also seen him be territorial with her and has tried to to be difficult towards me. One day I got up to get some coffee and he moved in next to his mom and wouldn't let me sit back down. Crap like that.

I do think if my kids were older it wouldn't matter to them however since they are all the same age (roughly) he wants to play and interact with them and vice versa. They are just trying to feel each other out. He just doesn't really know how to be social though and is actually probably better off as an only child.

If my daughters were not expressing these negative thoughts and emotions to me it might be a different story or at minimum it may speed things up a bit. I think they are tired of him being around. My youngest told me that they just wanted to hang out with me and spend time together with the 3 of us. My oldest asked me what should they do when he runs off and cries? They have both expressed the desire to not move from our house as well. Also questioning why me and their mom can't work it out and try again. My daughters have also spent a ton of time around him as well since he has spent several hours during the day with me while I am working at home. Again it saves the Doc money and the stress of finding someone to watch now that school is out.

My daughters come first though. I still believe they are going through an adjustment period. All of them need to be more comfortable with each other and it's just not there yet. Maybe it will never be and if not then that could be a sign that maybe it's not meant to be. The kids need to be able to get along with each other and if they don't it would place stress on our relationship.

Kudos to you for stepping up for your girls and letting the Doc know. I am sure this is hard on all three kids. That poor boy sure has been through a lot of turmoil as well. A lot of his pillars have been removed given that he can�t see his dad nor his grandmother.

Dating post marriage with kids is hard. I don�t think the age is always the only factor. I am learning it is personalities no matter the age. I am dating a guy who is 10 years post divorce. I am the first woman he has dated seriously and introduced to his kids, now 17 and 19. He purposely did not date in order to focus on his young kids.

Going into this, I would have thought a 17 and 19 year old would be ready to see their dad date. The 17 year old and I hit it off well. We always have. He is a boy and very good natured and well adjusted. The 19 year old is a daughter who clearly is not ready to accept her dad dating anyone. She told her aunt (bf�s sister) that she did not like that I took time from their relationship even though most of the year she was at college. Now she is home due to the pandemic and it is just clear she just wants to make things hard.

When I first met her, she was telling this story of how they went through a lot of nannies because she purposely would get them all fired for reasons she made up just to see them get fired. Really awful! I was freaked out by that level of manipulation. She was 19 and still laughing about it. No remorse or introspection on the meanness in that. She is a factor in my relationship with him, for sure. The mother was a very unstable force in their lives and I feel for her because it is clear she has turmoil within her. Time will tell how much she grows up.

Anyway, these are all the reasons why it is so important not to rush into anything. The moving parts are so much more complex than a first time marriage where both people are without children. And it takes time to see all the moving parts.

You're right kids make it difficult for sure and their personalities make a huge difference. My oldest and him have a little power struggle thing going on. My oldest is used to my youngest just falling in line for the most part. The Doc's son just doesn't do that. He is so sheltered that the things he talks about don't even interest my daughters. They are into making Tic Toc videos and he is still watching Curious George.

I do think it burst the Doc's bubble a little bit but she needed to know. It is what it is and if she is the person I think she is then she will understand and get over it. I don't take this $hit lightly and my girls need to feel comfortable. The Doc and I are different in that way, I think the Doc would just power through it if it was her son. She doesn't let him dictate the terms to her. I don't try to either but in this situation it is obvious.

My youngest has a little bit of that going with me as you describe with his daughter. Each child has a different dynamic with their parents but my oldest is not that way with me. Interesting for sure.

The Doc told me early on she wants to get married again and doesn't want to waste time dating someone that doesn't have the same intentions. It's not that I couldn't get there our timelines may just be different. Plus her son and her are package deals and as I learn more about him it is something to consider as well.

Kudos to you J. You did the right thing for you and your girls without fearing backlash. And you will know that she is the right woman for you if she is patient and considerate of you and your girls. You pushed it forward a little and now it�s time to pull back a little . Respecting each other�s timeline is important
Looks like so far so good. You are handling this well.

Thanks G......I can't have my girls feeling uncomfortable . I honestly think it would be different for them if her son was different, more interactive, wanted to play with them more, etc. Where not talking girly stuff either but that's not the case so we shall see.

As I said, I could tell she was disappointed but it is what it is!

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

The Doc told me early on she wants to get married again and doesn't want to waste time dating someone that doesn't have the same intentions. It's not that I couldn't get there our timelines may just be different. Plus her son and her are package deals and as I learn more about him it is something to consider as well.

I really don't have any doubt that you are putting your girls first and doing the right thing. But c'mon, let's be honest here, I really get the feeling that at least a part of you is a bit happy that this gives you a very legit out to what you really want - or don't want to do - anyhow. You've only been divorced for 2 years - a couple weeks shy. You've already been dating the doc for over a year so it's all still pretty new. Remove the kids and this perfect reason not to get married sooner goes away. You've said it yourself, you'd be fine doing what you're doing much longer - perhaps forever. I don't blame you. I'm just saying, it's a bit fortuitous that now you can say "hey, if it were only up to me, I'd be putting a ring on it right now, but because of the kids I just can't." It's the perfect solution. If you dig deep I'm pretty sure you're going to agree I've hit on the deep truth. It really is a win-win.

It�s interesting - I hear different theories. My family, some of bf�s family is more old school. They are more used to the idea that the kids are gonna have to deal and that�s life and since when do kids get a say. They think we spoil the kids and let them dictate. My mom told me how back In the day - when a family member died you remarried or took your nephews/nieces Or the other kids in and they became cousins or paisons and no one even knew how anyone was related. She makes fun of how I worry too much and loves the term �too friggen bad�. She often mimicks modern discipline techniques (too and says kids are like dogs and you have to be alpha and can�t show weakness.

I think I�m a different generation then they are and have this huge anxiety that what I do and say will lead to him needing intense therapy and getting into bad relationships and thinking I didn�t love him etc etc. My bfs ideas seems to be a healthy middle. He�s talking a lot to his sons but feels like marriage/ growing old with someone is a priority for him too. And wants to make it work and feels more that the kids will need to adjust but he will do everything he can to make sure they do. He�s giving his own kid tons of extra time and attention which has been helping.

I think it might come down to what are your priorities. Down the road Does it have to be a choice ? And again it�s what you want too. Marriage seems like something you are not looking to jump into either. It�s not your priority and you seem to like the status quo

Yes, it certainly buys me more time and it is a win-win. Not going to lie. I enjoy my time alone, I enjoy having my own house to retreat to and I enjoy the off week when I don't have my girls. I am actually very spoiled at the moment. I go over about 3 or 4 times a week during my off weeks. She buys me booze, food, we have plenty of adult time and then I get to go home. Such a beautiful thing. I know though that it won't last forever. Getting married is not a priority the Doc did tell me she was not in a rush either. I think she is fine taking it slow though knowing there is a future.

I don't want my daughters dictating the terms to me but I feel that I also have to be considerate of their feelings. It's one thing to ask questions but I can't have them crying on me telling me they wished we spent more time together just the three of us. I can't have them still in the Parent Trap mindset of still thinking their mom and I are getting back together and crying about it. I can't have them start crying when I tell them at some point we might be moving from our home. Every kid is different though and I am very close to my girls. Some kids might not react like mine did and I understand that.

My buddy moved in with his girlfriend after about 1.5 years of dating. He only has his kids every other weekend and his now wife had 2 boys. They continued to date for another 1.5 years and got married after 3. Maybe his daughters didn't react like mine did because they didn't live with him 50% of the time. Maybe her sons didn't react because they are boys. Not sure. It is something my girls are going to have to work through.

They like the Doc, they think she is nice. It's not about her as I think they would feel this way about anyone. They weren't complaining about her, it was all about her son.

My daughters are aware of the Doc and I dating, having a future, etc. They asked me if her son would be their step-brother and I told them "yes". I told them that we wouldn't live in our house forever, etc so they are aware of what the possibilities are.

sounds to me like the doc's son would benefit from counseling.
i'm glad you're putting your girls' needs first xoxoxo

Probably.....one of the docs problems is that she is very Type A and doesn't believe in crying, showing emotions, etc. She wants him to be a strong boy, that is active, plays outside, gets dirty and does normal boy stuff. This lil guy just wants to lay around in his soft pants, watch shows, eat junk and play with stuffed animals all day. So in her mind she wants him to toughen up and I think that impacts her ability to recognize he potentially could benefit.

I try to be careful about what I say unless she asks for my opinion.

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

I try to be careful about what I say unless she asks for my opinion.

yeah, that's wise.

Originally Posted by bttrfly

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

I try to be careful about what I say unless she asks for my opinion.

yeah, that's wise.

My ex-wife would often say that when she wanted my opinion that she would give it to me

LOL....she knows her kid is a handful. If you leave him be and just prop him up on his ipad all day there are no issues. When you ask him to do something different, the transition between activities, etc. that is when he challenges versus just falling in line. HE usually always comes up with a reason or an alternative as to why he can't do the activity. For example, he can't go for a walk around the block because it is too hard on his legs. I mean $hit your 8 yrs old dude, you should be able to take a walk around the block. Then when he doesn't get what he wants he just shuts down and cries.

Anyway, I just keep to myself and offer my opinion when asked. Outside of that I just listen and validate.

I have also come to realize the less interaction I have with him the better. He is just better left to his own devices. Last night I went to the Doc's house and spent the night. I probably said 15 words to him the entire time, hello, goodnight and good morning. It was much easier on my frustration levels as well.

He does not do a good job of making people feel welcome in his home. Not a big deal to me (when I got there last night the Doc made him come out and say Hi to me) but for my daughters who are a roughly the same age a bigger deal sine they want to play and interact with him.

Anyway, all the more the reason for things to slow down which puts me more at ease. None of this will even potentially come close to happening until my daughters feel comfortable knowing it is there home as well. I can't have them coming for their week at a time with me feeling weird and being treated like it's not their home as well.

J,

You seem to be getting a little frustrated by the young lad. I�m sorry it makes things more complicated. I�ve always been skeptical about blended families. Life is very difficult as it is for kids and strangers entering the family doesn�t help matters.

I appreciate your insight on the challenges and I feel you are handling it the best you can.

Yo L.....it is frustrating, I am not sure why and hitting the pause button is good. Ever since the Doc's XH went into the hospital we haven't had a weekend to ourselves in 3 months. Before the Covid craze the Doc's mom would take the young lad 1 night a week so we could have a date night. Now we don't get that either so that started us down the path of having the kids around more frequently than planned so we could see each other. That obviously sped things up a bit which brought all of these things to light.

Again, I am not sure why it is so frustrating.

Well there�s a lot going on right now. Stress in the world, the Docs stressed, her sons a handful and you�re coming out of the honeymoon stage. It�s like your fog is lifting and you are getting a good look at reality. Doesn�t mean it�s still not a good life. Just not all rainbows and sunshine.

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

Again, I am not sure why it is so frustrating.

One of the many (far too) many little phrases I use to describe the world is "It is everyone's fondest wish for tomorrow to be just like yesterday".

Change is tough. Change thrust upon us is even harder. Like anyone who is doing something new there are lots of things outside your comfort zone. And some of those won't be all positive but will still need to be dealt with either passively (not said in a bad context here) like you are with this boy, or actively. For people accustomed to dealing with things in front of them and putting them to rights with their own hands, passing on that to someone else, especially someone who you have little or no influence on how they'll do it, is tough.

Originally Posted by LH19

Well there�s a lot going on right now. Stress in the world, the Docs stressed, her sons a handful and you�re coming out of the honeymoon stage. It�s like your fog is lifting and you are getting a good look at reality. Doesn�t mean it�s still not a good life. Just not all rainbows and sunshine.

Yes, I agree with LH on this. Suddenly you're getting a preview of what it would be like to be living with this kid, and it's clear that it's too soon for that.

I agree...I have no say and honestly I dont want to be that person. The jerk boyfriend that comes in and drops the hammer so less is certainly more at this juncture. I also try to remember that he is a product of his environment. He has no 1 on 1 play time with any kids, never had a play date or a sleepover with any kids his age. The only interaction he gets is group activities in school or when he was in boy scouts. Then when he is with adults he gets 100% of the attention and no one else to compete with.

Yes, too soon for any of it.

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

I also try to remember that he is a product of his environment. He has no 1 on 1 play time with any kids, never had a play date or a sleepover with any kids his age. The only interaction he gets is group activities in school or when he was in boy scouts. Then when he is with adults he gets 100% of the attention and no one else to compete with.

I guess what comes to mind for me then is, why is this the case? I�m not exactly trying to cast blame, but who�s fault is this? Why does he not have play dates? Why no sleepovers? Why all the adult attention? He�s not raising himself or growing up in a vacuum. This does not at all seem to be the way you and your ex are raising your girls. Maybe you Have already thought of this and that�s part of why you are in the place you currently are. I give you huge credit in not saying anything. I must say I�ve done the same, at least for the most part, but it both effected my thoughts about the mother and in the case of my ex and step kids are now feel in some ways I let them down and have told them as much. Of course we were married so it�s a different situation. Thing is, you might be able not to comment but it�s nearly impossible and perhaps foolish to ignore it.

BINGO Don! I was thinking the same thing and trying to figure out how to say it without sounding like I was saying the doc is a bad mom because I try very hard not to judge other peoples� parenting. BUT, he�s a kid. The doc makes choices for him and if he is not getting play dates our outside play or whatever, that is partly on her. You have repeatedly said he is soft and you say the doc says this too but again, he�s a kid so is that all his fault? If he was a teenager, I would say it is totally on him but he�s still young enough that he is not really calling his own shots. I can�t help but wonder if seeing how she parents gives you pause about parenting together in the future because if y�all marry, you WILL have to parent together.

It's his mom's fault. His dad is not involved in his life outside of what their D decree tells him he has to do. So all the real parenting falls on the Doc. Well actually probably his nanny who is an expert on the kids behavior and is with him 4 hours a day, 3 days a week. The doc has him on Fridays after school and on Wednesdays his Grandma picks him up after school.

It is not the way I am nor my X.

The life the kid leads is what is favorable to the Doc and she admits she has not done a good job of socializing him with other kids. I don't know to what extent though he comes home and requests to go play with Johnny or whoever either.

It does impact how I think about the Doc. I certainly don't ignore it and my girls are extremely different. They may not be as smart as the Doc's kid, as versed in Spanish or bible scripture but they are certainly more well rounded. The Doc is very nice to my girls though however they are talkative, active and want to be where ever I am at. All of us under one roof would be a huge adjustment, even for the Doc, who likes her space, quiet time, etc.. We treat our kids vastly different.

For example, the other day I ordered pizza and my girls got Cokes and the Docs kid wanted Root Beer. No biggie. When she got over to my house she wouldn't let him have the Root Beer, I guess he only drinks diet soda. Stuff like that won't go over well in a blended house because I am certainly not going to have my girls walk on eggshells or suffer just because he can't have it. Same with bed times, she starts his process at 7 pm. My girls go to bed at 8:30 and when they don't have school I could care less. She never deviates off his schedule.

I know those are just little things but that is where it starts. Which is why I am not in a rush. We have had no conversations about how we would come together to raise our kids if a blended family were to happen.

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

I know those are just little things but that is where it starts. Which is why I am not in a rush. We have had no conversations about how we would come together to raise our kids if a blended family were to happen.

No. These are not little things. These are fundamental differences.
sorry J xoxo

I'm an only child. My mother was 39 when I was born, which, 55 years ago, was a big deal. Her peers were becoming grandmothers. She isolated me in part because she didn't have anything in common with my peers' moms, who were all at least 10-15 years younger than my mom.

As the mother of a male only child, my priority was to socialize that kid as much as possible. My son at 20 has thanked me for making sure that he always had playdates and friends who were female as well as male, and modeling that for him as well with T (brother from another mother). He says he had a great childhood, because he was involved in team sports, one every season. Team sports are a very effective way for an only child to learn interpersonal skills that can only be taught by interaction with siblings or peers.

Is it a lot of work to haul a kid around to practice? Yes, but it's worth it, for the kid's long term emotional IQ. JMHO.

I get that, not trying to down play the significance of it. I am an only child as well, had plenty of friends and played sports my entire life. I believe he gravitates towards what the Doc places an importance on and that is his studies, religion and being bi-lingual. She never played sports, neither did her XH, so the kid thus far has had no desire to do anything outside of swimming lessons and cub scouts. He also won't do anything competitive as he can't stand loosing.

If it was me I make his butt do something. When my girls started playing sports I told them to pick but they were not going to just sit around and do nothing. Part of the issue is her and not wanting to sacrifice what free time she has to take him to games on Saturdays or have her, Grandma or the Nanny shuttle him around.

Honestly.......I don't think any of this was really on her radar screen until she started dating me. I just think all of them were in this sheltered little bubble just doing their own thing.

I agree with bttrfly that these are not small differences, but that is really for you and the doc to work through. I will offer a different but agreeing viewpoint if I may. There are a TON of activities this kid can be involved in if he isn�t into sports. Yeah, I know you think scouts is nerdy and I get your point about him valuing what the doc thinks is important but don�t ALL kids do that? There are music lessons, art classes, 4-H, boys and girls club.....LOTS of options. I get the doc is busy and she has certain expectations but I worry about this kid. He�s adopted and whether he knows he is or not, he is craving her approval and she�s pushing him to be a mini adult. I fear that won�t end well for this kid. I had a student who was like this as a little boy.....his parents pushed him HARD and he was kind of isolated. They did lighten up on him when he got to high school and he blossomed and was very popular, well-liked by teachers, intelligent, hard-working and a good enough baseball player to get recruited by a few colleges. Then the pressure came back as his parents tried to make sure he chose the �right� school. He got so stressed out, he killed himself right before his class graduated from high school. SO sad. Don�t get me wrong, I�m not saying the kid will mill himself or the doc will drive him to it but she is just putting a LOT of pressure on a kid to do things that are important to her rather than letting him figure out what might be important to him and that is very sad.

I probably sound like a crazy loon and being cooped up in the house all day with a 6 month old puppy is so not helping that, but this has been a big red flag in my mind from the beginning, especially when you said she told you he was being a pu$$y. What mother says that about their own kid? I mean, have my daughters annoyed me? Absolutely, but I would never say one of them was a b!tch. I�m afraid this kid has some serious issues that are not being addressed.

Interestingly enough D is has spoke to me before about suicide rates, especially those rates with kids that are adopted, and double whammied by divorce. You are also right that he desperately wants her approval. He will just randomly walk up to her and just say "I love you mom".

I agree and I have told her the same thing. Get him into anything as long as he can socialize and make friends. I think she wants him to play sports especially with her concerns about him and his weight. In her mind he wouldn't do anything if she let him have a choice that he would just sit there on his ipad all day. Honestly I have experience with that because when he has been with me and ask him to go outside to play he wants nothing to with it.

She does have high expectations. There have also been times where she has flat out told me that she wants my input because her mind doesn't always think right. She is very driven, pushed hard herself by her mom, and obviously had to work very diligently to become a doc.

My hope is that I can help balance her out in a positive way whether this leads to marriage or just a long term relationship. Maybe at minimum I have opened her eyes to a different way that could just be as equally successful.

Technically I was the one who told her he was a pu$$y. She said he needed to grow a pair.

I do agree though he desperately wants her attention and to spend as much time with her as possible.

I only know what I have seen in the past year. During this past year she has been heavily weighed down and spending a ton of hours getting her practice off the ground. Additionally the amount of stress she has been under is insane.

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

I get that, not trying to down play the significance of it. I am an only child as well, had plenty of friends and played sports my entire life. I believe he gravitates towards what the Doc places an importance on and that is his studies, religion and being bi-lingual. She never played sports, neither did her XH, so the kid thus far has had no desire to do anything outside of swimming lessons and cub scouts. He also won't do anything competitive as he can't stand loosing.

If it was me I make his butt do something. When my girls started playing sports I told them to pick but they were not going to just sit around and do nothing. Part of the issue is her and not wanting to sacrifice what free time she has to take him to games on Saturdays or have her, Grandma or the Nanny shuttle him around.

Honestly.......I don't think any of this was really on her radar screen until she started dating me. I just think all of them were in this sheltered little bubble just doing their own thing.

too bad, because it's gotta be lonely for that child.

I also agree with you Dawn about it not having to be sports. I'm glad he's into scouting. Is he on a swim team? That's a miserable sport ... waiting hours upon hours for your kid's 2 minutes of glory in a hot, steamy pool area. Talk about Covid Cooties, shudder. And I'm someone who adores swimming! I think because he hates to lose, putting him in a position where he's forced to deal with that and a coach managing him wouldn't be a bad thing.

I agree, it is lonely which is why I think he still carries around like 10 stuffed animals where ever he goes. I believe he thinks of them as his friends. He sleeps with like 20 on his bed all around him every night. Has named them all.

Another draw I think the Doc has to me is my girls because it gives him someone to play with. The problem is he doesn't know how to play with other kids, one on one, because he has never done it before. He doesn't know how to give and take or share. That's what hit a frustration level with my daughters which is when I told her we needed to chill out for a bit with all the family time.

In her mind she never played sports and as a Doc feels that she turned out just fine, successful, etc.. She has an older sister though which is certainly different. The Doc herself though is not a social butterfly.

I have no doubt that she loves him very much though. She takes him places by herself, last summer they went to several water parks just the two of them he is just lacking in social interaction with kids his age. A couple of weeks ago she made cupcakes with all three kids, she made popcorn and we all watched movies together, she got my girls presents for Easter. She has seen my oldest a couple of times when she has got sick and doesn't charge us for the visit. When she goes to the store she is always asking me if me or the girls need anything. I could go on but I think a lot of it has to do with her being stressed to the max and working 60 plus hours a week getting her practice off the ground and now this Covid-19 situation has made things for her 10 times worse.

He takes swimming lessons but won't do swim team. She tried to put him in karate one time as well but refused to go. Yes, he does like cub scouts and the one activity his dad would do with him was to take him on their annual camping trip. The Doc said even with Cub Scouts he still had a hard time transitioning from activity to activity and would start crying when he was asked to something he didn't want to do.

She said he was the same in pre-school and had a hard time transitioning through the different activities.

I do believe he has been in counseling before.

I don�t doubt that she loves her child. And I don�t doubt that she is a hard worker who has a TON on her plate right now. I�m not a psychologist and certainly don�t claim to know all the facts but the more you say about him and the more you offer excuses for her the more it makes me wonder what more could be done to help both of them. Crying when going from one activity to another seems very extreme and there must be a root cause. I�m sure she is a kind hearted person or you wouldn�t let her around your daughters. I imagine, being a doctor in a time of pandemic plus trying to get a new business off the ground just take extraordinary strength to deal with.

And maybe I�m wrong but I just don�t see why sports is the be all end all. Is that how she feels or is that her trying to impress you because you are clearly a very sports oriented guy. Does she somehow associate that with manliness? And as far as her saying he needs to grow a pair vs. you being the one who called him a pu$$y....kind of the same difference there. It is HER job as his parent to help him learn to be a man and if she doesn�t have his father helping her with that then she needs to figure it out. You say she didn�t play sports and �turned out fine�. I can give you a laundry list of people who didn�t play sports and are rather successful. And I can give you a similar list of people who did play sports who are not at all successful. Some people are social and some aren�t but the more you describe her so the more it sounds like something other than just not being social which circles me back, in my mind, to him feeling like he has to have her approval and her putting a LOT of pressure on him. I guess my overall point here is that it all just kind of seems like a recipe for disaster because if he is like this now, at 8, can you imagine how he�ll be when teenage hormones are thrown into the mix???? And all of it makes the doc come across as pretty high strung too, which may be where he gets it because kids model the behavior they see the most.

unless i'm missing something (which is more than likely) I think I'm the one who brought up sports, and I did so because I know how much it meant to my son to be able to play with boys (and girls) his own age.

Ideally, he will find something that interests him and will learn that the most satisfying competition is against oneself, but that takes a while to achieve and to inculcate.

I was more responding to J9�s comment about the doctor saying she never played sports and she was fine, coupled with a comment he made awhile back which was something to the effect of nerdy kids being scouts. I was just making the point that there are lots of options and sports isn�t always the answer. Don�t get me wrong, I think sports are great. And it is just what some kids need as far as learning teamwork and discipline but that is not rights or everyone.

yes, Dawn, I agree, and little couch potato might not like sports but I wish they would find something with other kids that he *does* like or at least is willing to try. I feel for the kid.

I told the Doc a while back that not every kid was built for sports and while I do think nerds do scouts (I didn't tell her that) if that is what he enjoys that is what's important. Heck he could make friends being in the chess club. Her nanny is actually the one who is on her about him playing sports and I think she takes offense to it because that doesn't mean he won't turn out any different.

He is not an outside kid, at least not at this juncture. She also does not want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. I believe she wishes he was more active and got more exercise. He rode his bike yesterday for 10 minutes then went inside because he got tired. She was excited and thought that was progress. I agreed.

She also has a very big heart, very giving but she is tough.

Yes....he is a little couch potato and is perfectly happy watching his ipad all day long and eating snacks.

sports are not the end all be all. The kid needs less bible scripture and Spanish lessons and more time doing kid things with other kids and some fun stuff with mom.

I feel bad for the little bugger. I don�t think it�s all a product of his raising , although part of it definitely is, but I think the kid might be on the spectrum somewhere . Has she had him tested? Because they do have some great social clubs for kids on the spectrum of his age.

Or maybe he just needs to go to more kids birthday parties and have a soda once in a while . If the doc loosened up a bit, I bet he would too .

The Doc is tough G...a fellow Jersey Girl! I am fortunately about the only one that loosens her up!

No way! North or south, otherwise known as pork roll or Taylor ham?

She looks jersey, lol

Lol.....Hillsborough. Total NJ! She is tough unless it involves me.

He might be an Aspie, this kid. My oldest is, and was TERRIBLE at team sports (I remember him on the soccer field lost in thought and getting hit in the head with the ball). What was really GREAT for him was karate. Discipline, not competing against others but just trying to improve yourself, acquiring self-defense skills, overcoming obstacles. He eventually became a black belt. Was he the best at karate? No. But he enjoyed it, and when he was bullied in high school, he had the confidence to know he could take out his bullies if they touched him, and the discipline not to do it.

He also learned to ski with us on family ski vacations and although it as never his favorite thing, he got good enough to enjoy it (he'd usually just ski for half a day) and compared to the rest of his Aspie friends he felt like a jock

It's a very fine line with a kid like this. It's counter-productive to push too hard, but if he can gain some skills and confidence like my son did in karate, it can be a very good thing.

One of my best friends lives in Flemington and her husbands company is hillsborough....

But, yeah, that�s country NJ. Not so hard core. It took my friend an adjustment to move there. But she has a big beautiful house. It�s about an hour away from me, I�m up more north East wares. Wayne area . She should know

Maybe if she loosens up just a little with her son like she does with you, things will start to get better. It�s a tough time right now, for sure

son's gone to many a baseball tourney in Flemington. I worked for a company based in Florham Park and had to train there for a month. Nice area.

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