Link to old thread...
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2882910&page=10Saw that I was up to 10 pages so am starting a new thread. Not much to report except that I had a great weekend. I am slowly wrapping my head around the fact that I have a new job and a lot of work to do before It begins. I also have a lot of learning to do for my new position and am excited about it. This feels like icing on the cake after everything I have been through. Two years ago, I never would have predicted that I would be divorced from my H, already had a R with someone else and a break up and starting a new job as a supervisor. None of these things were in my mind in February 2018. And yet here I am. Life is full of surprises.
Day off today. Spending it with my kids. This afternoon my sister and I are taking my D12 shopping. She is growing super fast and needs some new clothes. I am also going to put some sand in the base of our basketball hoop so we can use it. Really excited about that.
A few texts with both Jack and Brook last night. Keeping things really light with both of them for different reasons. I think Jack is starting to accept that things between us are really over. We aren’t talking about why things ended anymore. But he feels like he lost his best friend so we are trying to maintain that part of our relationship....from a distance.
I hadn’t texted with Brook since Friday. He’s been working nights. I watched our favourite show last night and sent him a brief text about how great it was. He texted back two minutes later to say that he had pvr’d it and that we would discuss it once he had watched it. Unfortunately, my phone was on silent and I had dozed off in front of the tv so I didn’t reply to him for about 40 minutes. We had a short pleasant conversation after I woke up though so that was nice. I have taken a huge step back from communicating with him as often as I was. It has helped me put things into perspective and I have accepted that we may never get around to having our first real date. If all that comes out of this is a renewed friendship, I am honestly okay with it. More importantly...18 more sleeps until my tournament in Vegas!!!
Okay...off to face the day. (((HUGS))) to all!!!
Oh...and I heard from Facebook Guy again on Saturday. He texted that he didn’t want to distract me from my tournament so we could hang out another time. He also texted me a couple times throughout the day to ask how it was going. And I saw that he had posted a few pics on Facebook during the day. Seemed like he was at home for most of the day even though he said he was going to be in my area. Hmmm... I wonder... I have this strange feeling that he might see me as someone who “got away”. We did spend a lot of time together and I know that men don’t go out of their way to meet with someone if they see them as just a friend. Especially since we haven’t seen each other since last April and he’s wanting to meet up now? I told him I had broken up with Jack and he said that he didn’t think it would last. Didn’t know he was thinking about me at all, TBH. Anyway...kinda hope I am wrong and he is just wanting to catch up with a friend because I really have friend zoned him. I don’t think I am a good match for him and vice versa. I would like us to be friends though so we’ll see how things unfold. Happy Monday everyone!!
Congrats on the new job! I'm excited for you.
Thanks. Now I just have to get through the next month or so... saying goodbye to my clients and mountains of paperwork. I am excited but it is bittersweet. I will miss my colleagues.
Had a long text conversation with Jack yesterday. He got a job and starts this morning. He seemed a lot lighter...I think a huge weight has been lifted and maybe I underestimated the impact it was having on him. Anyway...we talked about a lot of things and it was nice to get some things dealt with that we probably should have a while ago.
Haven’t heard from Brook since Sunday. My friend saw him on Facebook Dating. So maybe he is over his upset over his XW? Who knows? Looking more and more like we will never have that first date. His loss. I’m venturing into the world of OLD again...seeing who is out there. So far...same old, same old...lol. Saw one profile of a guy who “liked” me that I would be interested in...if only he didn’t live two ferry rides away. He has young kids too so that’s a no go. Done the long distance thing before...it’s an exercise in futility if neither of you can move. No point in even going down that road.
Anyway...more importantly...16 more sleeps until Vegas!!!! Can’t wait!!!
Okay...well...2x4 time. So...Jack stopped by last Wednesday on his way back from work (my town is halfway between his work and home). He was different somehow. Smiling... a lot. Talkative. Open. Very, very happy to see me... missed his “best friend”. Guess one can never really underestimate the power of getting a job when one has been unemployed for an extended period of time. Anyway...we hugged...and it felt really, really nice to have his arms around me again. Too nice. Then one thing led to another and well...he ended up staying the night and the next day I heard myself inviting him to stay at my place until I leave for Vegas while he looks for a place of his own.
I am a weak, weak person but man...he has SERIOUSLY upped his game. Everything that was bothering me about him before seems to be a non issue. He is just different. He is texting me paragraphs instead of one-word answers. He randomly sends me texts when he is on his breaks. He is affectionate and the sex is...sigh...addictive. Before I had to guess about what he was thinking and feeling and now I don’t have to guess at all. He’s apologized for being so distant. He said it wasn’t me...he was just kind of numb to everything and didn’t feel worthy of me. Said a part of him wanted me to break up with him but that he knew he couldn’t handle letting me go. Says I am beautiful and kind and doesn’t think he will ever meet as fine of a person as me. Tells me he loves me and values the time we spend together for as long as we have left. And there is the million dollar question... exactly how much time is that?
Argh!!! I am such an idiot. I love him. I do. He has a lot of great qualities and he is honest and I know would not cheat on me. Like me, he says it is just not something he has ever done or could do. But the age difference is still a major factor and I’m not sure I can get past it. It is fine now...while I still look 40...but that isn’t going to last. And he hasn’t been married or had kids or done a lot of things I have done already. He could still find someone younger than him and do all that. And while he is perfectly happy to throw that away today, what about five years from now? He will be 44 and I will be 57.
And then there is my family. My kids are not a problem. They just live in the moment and they like him. I asked them if it would be okay if he stayed with us for a bit and they said they would be totally fine with it. My other family, though, are not on the same page. They know the Jack from before and think he is completely wrong for me. I get it. If I were them, I would too. Jack and I did talk about his social anxiety. He says when he is in a group of people, he feels like his brain is in a wheelchair and he can’t think of what to say...is worried about being misunderstood or judged. Having said that, he came to my pool league last night and said hi to my friends and was a lot friendlier than he has been albeit still quiet. My sister gives him a hard time whenever she sees him and tells him to stop yelling. And then there is XH’s mom. I still have not told her Jack is staying with me for a couple weeks. I know she will not be happy. I am kind of hoping she doesn’t notice right away. She did say hi to him last Thursday when he first arrived but their paths haven’t crossed since. I know she will disapprove so I am avoiding.
Anyway...that is the latest update. I was doing the OLD thing for awhile but am off of it until I figure out this thing with Jack. Didn’t see one guy I wanted to swipe right on. I am not a fan of the Grizzly Adams look and honestly, dating is exhausting. And Brook has pretty much disappeared so that is a dead end as well. IDK what I’m doing. Part of me says to just enjoy my time with Jack and the great sex and the way that he looks at me and live for the moment. The other part of me says I am playing with fire and one or both of us is just going to get hurt in the end. Sigh...why is life so fricken complicated?!?
Well - you have to think about what you want. It's an age gap but only a huge one IF he wants to have kids someday. If the tables were reversed nobody would think twice about a man being with a woman 13 years younger at these ages.
I'll admit, I think about romantic disappointments differently after my divorce. Nothing really seems as big as the breakup of a 26 year relationship with three kids. I accept that I very well might never have a "forever:" partner again. (Really, at my age, even a "forever" partner might die on me at any time).
So I find that I'm more open to relationships that might not last forever.
What you have to ask yourself is this: if we had ten happy years together and then broke up, would I be happy I had those ten years, or mad that I wasted that time when I might ( MIGHT) have found a longer term partner in that time?
Also - are the things that you were dissatisfied with in the relationship really better, or is this a temporary change?
Then one thing led to another and well...he ended up staying the night...
Jack in the box?
Hello!
I hope this doesn’t come out wrong, but how do you go from broken up to him moving in for a few week?!!
I understand if you want to entertain the though of dating him again..... taking some time to see if his changes are real, but the broken up to moving in for a while is a little extreme, no?
Remember how you just kind of felt bad for him when brook was in the picture and you were riding that high?
I think you might have the tendency to be a little impulsive and ride the highs? Maybe go from one extreme to the next?
Then one thing led to another and well...he ended up staying the night...
Jack in the box?
I’m dying!
Then one thing led to another and well...he ended up staying the night...
Jack in the box?
you're on fire today KD or should I say DK (Doodler King, or Dead Kennedys, a darn fine band)
Tells me he loves me and values the time we spend together for as long as we have left. And there is the million dollar question... exactly how much time is that?
Do any of us know?
Seriously, I spent last night at a wake for a 16 year old kid who was killed by an 80+ year old woman who cut in front of him without a directional light. Kid was on a motorcycle. Had no where to go but the side of her car.
My point: nobody knows how long we've got. Carpe Diem sister.
Argh!!! I am such an idiot. I love him. I do. He has a lot of great qualities and he is honest and I know would not cheat on me. Like me, he says it is just not something he has ever done or could do.
I see no problems here
But the age difference is still a major factor and I’m not sure I can get past it. It is fine now...while I still look 40...but that isn’t going to last. And he hasn’t been married or had kids or done a lot of things I have done already. He could still find someone younger than him and do all that. And while he is perfectly happy to throw that away today, what about five years from now? He will be 44 and I will be 57.
I'm 55. I'm told all the time I don't look it. What do you think you're going to look like in your late 50s? You are fit, healthy, etc. Do you get where I'm going with that question?
This isn't Jack's problem. This is yours to resolve. I don't see you saying anywhere that Jack wants kids, or wants to get married or anything other than he wants to be with you.
Honey, love is a very precious gift. Could it be that you're scared to get hurt again, so you're manufacturing blocks to your relationship with someone you love who loves you? Think about it.
And then there is my family. My kids are not a problem. They just live in the moment and they like him. I asked them if it would be okay if he stayed with us for a bit and they said they would be totally fine with it. My other family, though, are not on the same page. They know the Jack from before and think he is completely wrong for me. I get it. If I were them, I would too. Jack and I did talk about his social anxiety. He says when he is in a group of people, he feels like his brain is in a wheelchair and he can’t think of what to say...is worried about being misunderstood or judged. Having said that, he came to my pool league last night and said hi to my friends and was a lot friendlier than he has been albeit still quiet. My sister gives him a hard time whenever she sees him and tells him to stop yelling. And then there is XH’s mom. I still have not told her Jack is staying with me for a couple weeks. I know she will not be happy. I am kind of hoping she doesn’t notice right away. She did say hi to him last Thursday when he first arrived but their paths haven’t crossed since. I know she will disapprove so I am avoiding.
I know you love your family and they love you. Put them aside while you figure out the other questions I asked you please.
Part of me says to just enjoy my time with Jack and the great sex and the way that he looks at me and live for the moment.
Listen to her.
The other part of me says I am playing with fire and one or both of us is just going to get hurt in the end.
That voice is the voice of fear. Do you want to give it an audience? Your choice.
Sigh...why is life so fricken complicated?!?
It's not. We tend to complicate things in an effort to stay 'safe' - which often equates with not living fully in the present.
putting down my 2x4 now. love you! xoxo
I guess I’m trying to figure out which is the real truth here among all if what you’ve said. You’ve been saying you knew it could never work, how bad you felt for hurting Jack. Then there was the fairytale with Brooke. Only a week ago you thought Jack was finally getting it and accepting the breakup and you were starting OLD again. Then poof, you and Jack are living together (for lack of a better word) for a few weeks and back together in his head and moving that way in yours.
You talk about the age difference but wow, this sounds like a story with college kids rather than a 50 something. Sorry that’s so harsh but I don’t think you at all know what you want. Jack didn’t turn into a different guy. That didn’t happen. I get it, it’s not easy but this all really seems so day to day, n a whim, “I think I’ll try this for awhile.”
And I once again find myself agreeing with ginger, how do you go from broken up and hoping he finally gets it, over to having him live with you for awhile. You’ve got to get honest with yourself here and decide what the real truth is along with what you really want - THEN start working towards it. Then again people like me like to have a destination, a route and hotel reservations while others rather just get in and drive, then say, oh look, I’m in Colorado.
You asked for 2x4s and you're getting a few. I also don't think it's what you were anticipating - I got the sense you thought we'd be saying "don't do it!"?. I'm seeing a lot of folks here say you need to figure out what YOU want. I'm on board with that message.
I do want to give my perspective though, as someone who was in a LTR with an age gap. You know my XW and I had 11 years between us. We got together when I was about 23, she was 34. Lasted until I was about 33, she was 44.
You know my story. You know I loved my XW fully and unapologetically and that I wish I had the rest of our lives together instead of the 10 we did have. But even after she left and my life was turned upside down I still do not for one SECOND regret any of our R. Not at all.
I made the decision at about 24 years old that I wasn't going to have children. This was because XW was clear and upfront with me that it wasn't for her, and she told me that if that mattered to me we needed to address it. I decided I would rather be with her than the off-chance I might want kids in some vague future.
So here I am, 35 years old without children and currently single. Do I want kids? Yes. I've always wanted kids. But I also am very comfortable with the fact that I won't be having them and I am okay with that. I made the decision for myself and even though part of me wants them I don't feel I *need* to have them to be happy. That would have been one way to live my life, and I chose another. There isn't one single path in which we are happy. I honestly think I would have been happy for the rest of my life if I was with XW. I also think I will be happy in this path.
I say this all because I'm the younger LBS, so in that sense I can relate to what you are projecting on to Jack.
BUT.
D.V.
(Here's the 2x4 part)
You are projecting. You are assigning him his wants vs needs, and deciding what his future should or shouldn't have. You are taking away his autonomy by pretending you know better than he does what his future should have. It's invalidating. He is a grown-*** man who can make his own thoughtful decisions, and you are not responsible for those outcomes.
Stop deciding for him, and start asking only what you want, and then be thoughtful, clear, and respectful in whatever that want is for you. Speak only for yourself.
And if you are undecided that's okay too. But be honest about it, and recognize that your own wants and needs might change. Stay authentic with yourself throughout and you'll be okay.
And regarding his personality with your family -
My XW was not always a "people person". She could be cranky, blunt, or just clear that she didn't want to be somewhere. I learned after a bit of time together that this improved greatly when I learned that it wasn't my deal. It was not my relationship to manage. Was she cranky with my family? Great - that's on all of them to work out. They can speak up if they feel a miscommunication or even some rudeness. The few times I tried to manage each side it got worse because I would inevitably mis-represent someone's intentions. Seriously, stay out of it. If your sis is ragging on him it's for Jack to speak up to her directly. If he's stand-offish it's for them to approach him. You are not his mother, and you are not your family's caretaker.
Do not manage other people's relationships. When I learned that my life became so much smoother. If a loved one comes to you with a complaint about your significant other the best response in my experience is a "Oh! Yes, you should say something to him directly that it affects you.". Let them have their own relationship separate of you and they'll respect each other more.
You asked for 2x4s and you're getting a few. I also don't think it's what you were anticipating - I got the sense you thought we'd be saying "don't do it!"?. I'm seeing a lot of folks here say you need to figure out what YOU want. I'm on board with that message.
I do want to give my perspective though, as someone who was in a LTR with an age gap. You know my XW and I had 11 years between us. We got together when I was about 23, she was 34. Lasted until I was about 33, she was 44.
You know my story. You know I loved my XW fully and unapologetically and that I wish I had the rest of our lives together instead of the 10 we did have. But even after she left and my life was turned upside down I still do not for one SECOND regret any of our R. Not at all.
I made the decision at about 24 years old that I wasn't going to have children. This was because XW was clear and upfront with me that it wasn't for her, and she told me that if that mattered to me we needed to address it. I decided I would rather be with her than the off-chance I might want kids in some vague future.
So here I am, 35 years old without children and currently single. Do I want kids? Yes. I've always wanted kids. But I also am very comfortable with the fact that I won't be having them and I am okay with that. I made the decision for myself and even though part of me wants them I don't feel I *need* to have them to be happy. That would have been one way to live my life, and I chose another. There isn't one single path in which we are happy. I honestly think I would have been happy for the rest of my life if I was with XW. I also think I will be happy in this path.
I say this all because I'm the younger LBS, so in that sense I can relate to what you are projecting on to Jack.
BUT.
D.V.
(Here's the 2x4 part)
You are projecting. You are assigning him his wants vs needs, and deciding what his future should or shouldn't have. You are taking away his autonomy by pretending you know better than he does what his future should have. It's invalidating. He is a grown-*** man who can make his own thoughtful decisions, and you are not responsible for those outcomes.
Stop deciding for him, and start asking only what you want, and then be thoughtful, clear, and respectful in whatever that want is for you. Speak only for yourself.
And if you are undecided that's okay too. But be honest about it, and recognize that your own wants and needs might change. Stay authentic with yourself throughout and you'll be okay.
And regarding his personality with your family -
My XW was not always a "people person". She could be cranky, blunt, or just clear that she didn't want to be somewhere. I learned after a bit of time together that this improved greatly when I learned that it wasn't my deal. It was not my relationship to manage. Was she cranky with my family? Great - that's on all of them to work out. They can speak up if they feel a miscommunication or even some rudeness. The few times I tried to manage each side it got worse because I would inevitably mis-represent someone's intentions. Seriously, stay out of it. If your sis is ragging on him it's for Jack to speak up to her directly. If he's stand-offish it's for them to approach him. You are not his mother, and you are not your family's caretaker.
Do not manage other people's relationships. When I learned that my life became so much smoother. If a loved one comes to you with a complaint about your significant other the best response in my experience is a "Oh! Yes, you should say something to him directly that it affects you.". Let them have their own relationship separate of you and they'll respect each other more.
So much yes!
Thanks everyone. Figuring out what I want. That really is the thing, isn’t it. I want to be happy. Period. End of story. But I keep changing my mind on what it is I need to be that way. I know that I am happiest in a relationship and am not a serial dater. I want someone who loves me without reservation and someone I love the same way. I want someone who forces me to grow and vice versa. I want someone who appreciates me for the good qualities I possess and someone who accepts the rest. Is that Jack? I don’t know. Yes Don...he is the same person...but he is also different. I can’t explain it but the walls he had up before are just gone...like he has decided he doesn’t have anything to lose so he is just putting it all out there. The guy that I broke up with is not this guy. Will it last? I don’t know that either. He did say that he feels a lot better no matter what happens between us and loves me enough to let me go if that is what I want. I think I am going to enjoy the next week and then ponder it when I am in Vegas and away from my life.
Bttrfly - So much of what you say makes sense. It does. I’m just trying to figure out if I love him or I love the way he makes me feel. The “old” Jack was a bit mysterious...I was never sure how he felt about me. And while that can be intriguing in the beginning, it gets old fast when you feel like you are putting yourself out there and the other person isn’t. I did that dance with Jack and ultimately, I let him go. And I was good with my decision. And then this Jack shows up. The opposite of the first. Now he’s the one putting himself out there and telling me he loves me and I am beautiful. But is he doing this out of love or out of fear? He did say that I have raised the bar for him and that he can see himself being alone for a long time waiting for someone younger who is like me to come along. Is his fear that he might never find that person what is making him want to be with me? I agree that love is hard to find and when you find it, you shouldn’t just throw it away. But, as we all know, love is a feeling and feelings can change over time.
Yail - Such great advice about not managing other people’s relationships. I did that ALL of the time with XH...with my family but in particular, with his daughter. I made excuses for him and sometimes just outright lied so that other people wouldn’t think badly of him. It became a really bad habit and, ironically, the person I lied to the most about him was me. I don’t want to make excuses or lie anymore which is why I think I am agonizing about this so much.
Time to get ready for work. (((HUGS))) to all.
Good Morning DV
What an interesting week for you.
I love him. I do. He has a lot of great qualities and he is honest and I know would not cheat on me. Like me, he says it is just not something he has ever done or could do.
Yes, Jack has many great qualities. It even sounds like he upped his communication style - which was a problem before.
But the age difference is still a major factor and I’m not sure I can get past it.
This has haunted you since you met him, and it still persists. Way back at the beginning of your relationship with Jack I suggested letting the age thing go. And the mind reading of what Jack is wanting or is unknowingly throwing away. But I’ll get to that later.
DV, you frame the problem correctly - I’m not sure I can get passed it.
You have an irrational/subconscious concern with the age difference. It includes how you see it - and how you imagine Jack sees it, your kids, your family, your XMIL, and others see it. The roots of your concern are rooted in your own head.
Let’s unravel this and explore a bit.
The way to overcome an irrational problem or fear is to rationalize it.
You say you really love Jack, but the age disparity is affecting you (in a kind of unknown way). You are 52 and Jack is 39. If Jack was 50, then what? Would that change things? Pretty sure it would be - Yeah! So, the relationship is really good, you just are hung up on age. So let’s defuse and uncouple that irrational connection of age and relationship disaster.
There is a rule of age for dating. A creepiness factor for how young of a person can you date. It is not scientific. However, it is wildly accepted. It does have much evidence of increased relationship problems when the limit is breached. And societally, through surveys, it does fit with what people generally as a whole see as appropriate. It is the rule of seven.
Regardless of gender do not date anyone less than half your age plus seven.
In your case your lower limit is (52/2)+7 = 33.
I encourage you to search this. There are many articles, charts, graphs, etc. Lots of rational material and accepted viewpoints. Rationally accept the material, and think about it. Allow the evidence and your thoughts to alter your irrational emotions and change your beliefs.
Some interesting extrapolation from this rule turn out to be rather obvious which also leads to increase it’s credibility. As one gets older the age gap get bigger. And towards the other end of the spectrum one shouldn’t start dating until they are 14.
Working out the upper limit for dating is also interesting. How old a man could you date?
(X/2)+7=52
X=90.
At first that seems like wow! Remember this is just a rough socially acceptable range guideline. Jacks range is 27 to 64.
Numbers, equations, graphs - nothing rationalizes like that. So, with all this rational confirmation - focus on the chemistry of your relationship and see where things go.
It is fine now...while I still look 40...but that isn’t going to last. And he hasn’t been married or had kids or done a lot of things I have done already. He could still find someone younger than him and do all that. And while he is perfectly happy to throw that away today, what about five years from now? He will be 44 and I will be 57.
All relationships face challenges. There are many things that can go wrong. And there are many things that can go right. Leave the unknown future to reveal itself as it will.
Your mind reading about Jack’s attraction and desires is just that, mind reading. Five years from now. 20 years from now. Leave it in the future. Jack will still find you gorgeous when you are 95.
And quit focusing on what you think he is throwing away. Listen to him. Instead see what he is embracing. That’s you by the way.
And then there is my family. My kids are not a problem. They just live in the moment and they like him. I asked them if it would be okay if he stayed with us for a bit and they said they would be totally fine with it. My other family, though, are not on the same page. They know the Jack from before and think he is completely wrong for me. I get it. If I were them, I would too. Jack and I did talk about his social anxiety. He says when he is in a group of people, he feels like his brain is in a wheelchair and he can’t think of what to say...is worried about being misunderstood or judged. Having said that, he came to my pool league last night and said hi to my friends and was a lot friendlier than he has been albeit still quiet. My sister gives him a hard time whenever she sees him and tells him to stop yelling. And then there is XH’s mom. I still have not told her Jack is staying with me for a couple weeks. I know she will not be happy. I am kind of hoping she doesn’t notice right away. She did say hi to him last Thursday when he first arrived but their paths haven’t crossed since. I know she will disapprove so I am avoiding.
There is a far bit of mind reading here. Projecting your irrational beliefs upon others.
Your kids do not have a problem with Jack’s age or Jack the person. You do not have a problem with Jack either.
To be a little more blunt. XH’s Mom, family, and others - it’s not their life, it’s yours. It’s your choice. They do not get to berate Jack or you. DV, you are 52, you live in the light - you need not avoid this. You have nothing to pussyfoot around here.
Figuring out what I want. That really is the thing, isn’t it. I want to be happy. Period. End of story. But I keep changing my mind on what it is I need to be that way. I know that I am happiest in a relationship and am not a serial dater.
Know thy self.
You are not a serial dater. You want a relationship. You want to be happy.
Good. Now go from there.
But I keep changing my mind on what it is I need to be that way.
Happiness and joy comes from within. Period. End of story.
Your first, best, and forever relationship is with you.
This is your life, your story. Kids, Jack, family, friends, work, etc. are big parts of your life, but they are not your life. They are all extras, you are the main character in your story.
DV, you have a wonderful happy life. Embrace all the extra parts which add more richness and happiness to your life, not define your life.
To return to your present concern, age difference. Uncouple it from the imagined future doom you have flitting about. In that uncoupling, age gap will become normalized and with nothing to latch onto the worried future will wither and flit away.
DnJ
Ah DnJ… you always have such thoughtful posts. I really am in awe of the time you take to help people who are pretty much strangers to you. The equation you shared definitely makes me feel better...lol. Jack has become more of a fixture in my life these last couple of weeks. The reservations I had (have) are slowly starting to fade into the background. I am going to park my brain while I go on holidays and see where I am at when I return. And, just as importantly, see where he is at. The last couple of weeks have been really, really good... I was super busy with work and other things last night and he brought my kids dinner. He then texted me to ask me if there was anything else I wanted him to do which isn't something he has ever asked me before. The thing is... I know that this change has a lot to do with the fact that he missed me when we were apart and also because he didn't think I would ever give him a second chance...so he is trying really hard. But will happen when we start to get really used to each other again??? Of course, I guess that is the million dollar question for anyone in a new relationship. Why does life have to be so complicated? Why don't people just come with labels that tell you the longterm feasibility of being in a relationship with them...lol??
sending you something. check your PM ... xo
Nope, we don’t know the future. You seem happy, that’s great. I hope jack keeps up being the great partner he is being to you right now.
Enjoy your vacation and tournament! Is it still on?
Well...this has been quite the couple of weeks. Still in disbelief about how this is all playing out. I was in Vegas when it basically shut down. Had been in touch with Airmiles for a couple of days and managed to get a flight back home the morning after Nevada’s governor shut the state down. Surreal to be walking through a quiet casino with only a few people around. Only the singles portion of the tournament happened as they cancelled the teams part due to the pandemic. Both my sister and I got into the money...she finished 5/6 and I finished 13-16. Played people from all over the place...Florida, Hawaii, Kentucky, etc... It was a lot of fun but, in hindsight, I wished I had stayed home. Had I known that teams were going to be cancelled, I would have but I didn’t want to be the person who let the team down by not showing up. Seems stupid now I didn’t fully grasp the situation at the time I needed to make it unfortunately.
Anyway... I arrived back home on Wednesday and started my 14 day isolation. Had an argument with XH just prior to going home. He wanted me to move out of my home for two weeks to stay with my sister despite the fact that her husband hadn’t travelled and needed to be able to go to the store and run their businesses. He tried to make it seem like it was out of concern for his mom but since she doesn’t live with me and has a separate suite that she lives in, it was complete BS. He just wanted to be able to dump the kids off on her and knew they would be accessing my part of the house if he did. Uh no... I spent years single parenting...now it’s your turn. Suck it up. Haven’t spoken to him since.
SD20 is having a rough time of it. She had two jobs and now has no job. So...after my 14-day quarantine is over, she will be moving in. Still not talking to her dad so he’s not going to be helping her at all. Not really wanting to add a third “child” to my house but since both of her parents are gong shows, she has no one else. I’ve set some ground rules with her that I think should suffice to keep things good between us. Hopefully there will be jobs for her to apply for soon as I haven’t planned for a third dependent.
On Day 4 of social isolation. Really missing my kids. Glad my sister is here with me, for the most part, although there have been moments when I would prefer to be alone. When we start to get on each other’s nerves too much, I just isolate in my room and she hangs out in the living room. Seems to be working so far. FaceTimed with my kids last night. It was great to see their smiling faces. They seem like they are doing pretty well although bored with just having each other to play with. S12 is playing video games online with his friends and D12 is doing a lot of art and talking to her besties online as well. Can’t wait until these 14 days are up and they can come home.
Ginger...really, really concerned about you and how this pandemic is playing out in your area. Please be very, very careful. The numbers are extremely concerning to put it mildly. Can’t believe the lack of action on the part of your federal government but then again, given who is at the helm, it’s not super surprising. Crazy that he announced a couple weeks ago that the US had the virus beat (delusional) and a vaccine was on the way within a month (outright lie). And a reporter asked him on Friday if he had anything to say to Americans who are scared and he chastised that person for asking a “nasty question”. Meanwhile, our PM is making daily addresses to the country and answering every question being thrown at him. Really feel for the people in your state and in your country. Praying for you all...
Oh DV I had been wondering about you, hoping you were alright, knew you were traveling. Of all the options for quarantine you are very lucky that you and your sis can stay in your home isolated from others. I'm glad for that.
I'm sure you're going stir crazy, but it gets easier. You'll find your way through.
DJ! I am very happy you got our there to vegas for your tournament because I know how much you were looking forward to that. Totally worth the 2 week quarantine. YOur concern is so sweet! It is pretty bad over here, I am not going to lie. ANd it is scary. Watching the nurses on my unit having to deal with this since our unit turned into the COVID unit, they have been really strong, but really scared, because we have to beg the community for donations of PPE because there isn't enough. There are patient's who are dying. SOme who have it, but are OK. We don't go into patient rooms anymore,we do everything telphonically but we are on a unit, and we are shoved into an office because ours is closed with 6 inches of space in between us, but no exagerration. We could work from home, but that will never happen.
Anyways, I go to work, and I come home. D 12 is doing well. It's scary. But we are all holding up. Stay safe there, and really, just stay home when you can!
Hi All.
Day 12 of self isolation and so far so good other than I’ve had a killer headache since Friday. Probably got about an hour sleep last night so I texted my boss that I am taking a sick day...in my house...which is also my office...lol. So bizarre. This is my last week doing my old job and next week I start my new one. I’m going into the office but it is closed to the public so there will just be me and ?? Who knows? Apparently we are on a rotation so there is only two people in the office at the most. I haven’t met any of my staff so this is going to be strange. And people are projecting that this is going to go on for at least four months which is the period of time the federal government is basically supporting anyone who doesn’t have a job. My SD20 lost both her jobs because of CV19 so is applying for the emergency benefit which apparently is about $2,000 a month which will actually be a raise for her...lol.
Speaking of... she’s moving in this coming weekend. I am supposed to go to the mainland on Saturday to get her. Her dad was making noise about keeping the kids (didn’t say it directly but that is where he was heading with his texts) because she is moving in. I guess he thinks because she is 20, she can’t be taking this seriously and was demanding to know how I was going to “keep her quarantined”. Uh...she isn’t quarantined, she is under the same social distancing rules that everyone else is. Never mind that she knows NO ONE here so I have no idea why he thinks she is all of a sudden going to be going out. She told me she is only going out to walk or run with the dog and that’s about it. She assures me that she is taking this seriously and I trust her. Ironic, isn’t it? He is trying to use the fact that HIS daughter is moving in with me to keep me from MY kids. No... hey DV....thanks for taking care of my daughter. Nope. Not once as he EVER said that to me. He thinks because she isn’t talking to him right now that all of his responsibilities toward her stop. It would go a LONG way with her if he sent her some money once in awhile without any expectations or wrote her a heartfelt apology letter for not stepping up as a dad. But no... he won’t. He won’t because at the end of the day, he just doesn’t get it. Not because he is stupid but because he really doesn’t want to get it as that would mean he would have to take a good long look in the mirror and he avoids doing that at all costs.
Then, after having that fun text exchange with XH, I have XMIL texting me yesterday that she stayed up “all night” worrying. She then asked me if Jack was going to be here at all. He is working 45 minutes away from here so I had offered for him to stay with me until all this is over. I told her that if he does stay with me, he is doing the same thing as everyone else. He goes straight to work, works up a ladder by himself and then comes home unless he has to go to the grocery store. He washes his hands and disinfects like everyone else. Maybe even more so because 1) he has asthma and knows he is at higher risk and 2) he is a self-admitted germaphobe. I also reminded her that I will also be going out to work and to the grocery store so am the same risk as he is. She replied that going out to work once in awhile is not the same as going out every day. I then said that is irrelevant and that I could go out 100 times and not be exposed or I could go out once and be exposed. The important thing is that we follow the same procedures every time to minimize the risk. I also reminded her that we don’t live together and that if she wants to keep herself 100% safe, all she has to do is close the door between our two living spaces (which she has done while I’ve been isolating) and not have the kids or SD20 over.
Her response... well, now she’s worried about the kids’ safety too. Sigh... XH, who is now an expert on infectious diseases apparently, has decided that because D12 has mild sports-related asthma, she is at high risk. I’m sure he has been in his mom’s ear about it. Will I ever just get to be divorced?!? I love my home but there may come a point when we just sell and go our separate ways cause I refuse to be parented by my X’s mom and get passive aggressive messages from him through her. I’m an adult. I get to make my own decisions and I am not an overly anxious person the way he is so I will not be made out to be a bad person because of it. My kids are counting the days until they can come home so they are coming home and I will take care of them the way I always have. Frankly, it’s insulting to be questioned like this. If XMIL told me she was going to have someone move in with her, I would not say one word about it. Why? Because I trust her to do her part but, more importantly, she can do what she wants with her place. We do not live together. She lives in a completely self-contained suite that I do not go into unless I want to talk to her in person which is only about 10% of our communications... mostly we text. Why she and XH don’t seem to get that is beyond me. Okay...enough of that. Writing about it just makes me mad.
I texted with Brook for awhile last night. We still talk now and again. He is a nurse at his local hospital so is on his own most of the time as his daughters don’t want to be around him and risk getting CV19. He’s a hugger so he is feeling pretty lonely. We have nice conversations when we do talk but we have definitely moved on from where we were in January. Him because I think he is just too soon out of his divorce and me because I still need to figure out where things are going with Jack. I miss Jack. I miss his hugs and just having him around in general. I was thinking that if he stays with me for awhile, I will cash in on those guitar lessons he promised me. I just need to figure out what to do about my nails since there are no more nail or hair appointments. Now THAT is scary. I can live without the nails (just have to figure out how to get the polish off of them) but my hair is another story. This will be a real test of Jack’s love for me cause it won’t be pretty after awhile. I have to get out of this self isolation so I can get some hair dye...lol.
Anyway...been thinking a lot about everyone on this board - in particular those of you in areas that have been hit hard with CV19. Our government in Canada has been unbelievably steady and calm in this crisis. I don’t care what party you are affiliated with, when I look at what is going on in other countries, I am unbelievably grateful and proud of our leaders for stepping up the way they have been. Our PM has been addressing the nation daily from self isolation and answering questions. There have been daily updates from the provincial government as well. Every time you turn on the tv, the message to stay home, do your part, socially distance, etc... is front and centre. No one here has ANY excuse for not getting on board with social distancing.
Meanwhile we have the American president accusing New York doctors and nurses of stealing and hoarding medical equipment and talking vaguely about conspiracies and how someone should look into that. Oh...and he never said he wanted people back to work by Easter, that was just an aspirational statement. And any shortage of medical supplies is Obama’s fault even though he has been out of office for almost four years. Apparently America’s military was “out of bullets” when he was elected which was also Obama’s fault...lmao. Out of bullets!!! Everything that comes out of that man’s mouth is a lie. He even tells people when they quote him verbatim that they are lying because he can’t keep his lies straight in his own mind. When he was told recently that up to two million Americans could die if they continue to go on the trajectory they are on, he said no one ever told him that even though there is footage of him being told that exact thing two weeks ago. Wow...there are no words...it is like when the Russian government was denying Chernobyl was going on even though we could all see it burning from space. It is insane. He and North Korea’s leader are a couple of public executions away from being the same person.
My apologies to my American friends on here but I am just so upset by this man’s negligence and lack of caring for his own people. He and his lackeys actually suggested there are lots of older Americans out there who would be happy to die of CV19 to save the economy. Wtf?!?! And he has high approval ratings??? How is that possible??? I just don’t understand. Okay. Rant over. Sorry if I have offended anyone here but d@mn...it is just so hard to watch.
Praying for all of you. Wash your hands and don’t touch your face!! Stay safe and be well.
Yes it was ridiculous. Apparently he couldn't understand that in ordinary circumstances, masks are only worn in certain circumstances in a hospital. Now ALL the staff - janitors, food service people, secretaries, ALL doctors and nurses - have to wear masks 24/7. How can he not understand that that means you need a HUGE increase in masks???? Of COURSE you have to go from 20,000 to 200,000. He is embarrassingly moronic.
And for those who weren't watching this weekend - Trump questioned why NYC would need this increase in masks and implied they were being sold off the back of the truck. Yes. he did.
TDS. It’s everywhere - even Canada.
has he ever done ANYTHING right? Anything?
I watched that entire newscast and yes, Trump did question why the request jumped from one number to a rather large one for masks.
I am happy to see that the naval ship "Comfort" arrived to help people in NYC. They have been slammed hard and I honestly hope that the other "hot spots" will get some relief in the coming days.
Hi All.
Thought it was time for a check-in. Hope this post finds everyone well and in good spirits. Thinking about those of you in the hardest hit areas and praying people do their part to bend the curve. So far so good where I am. The vast majority of people are staying home and our daily numbers aren’t terrible considering what they could be. Hospitals are managing well apparently. The government has really stepped up and trying to support the people who are out of work as much as possible. Everyone I know who applied for the emergency relief benefit ($2000 a month) got their money within two days of applying. That’s pretty good considering we are talking about a couple of million people applying in the same week.
I started my new job last week. I am one of the lucky ones who has been designated essential services and my workplace is small so I am able to go into the office most days and still follow the social distancing rules. I really like my staff but am becoming aware of some issues that need to be dealt with over the next couple of months. The last supervisor was apparently “done” and putting forth minimal effort with respect to supervising staff. This was okay for the staff who had been around for 15 years but towards the end of her tenure, those people left and she got a couple of new staff who were experienced clinically but new to this area of government and one of them new to government completely as he had been in private practice.
Anyway...the supervisor left and while they were waiting for her replacement (me), my counterpart in our capital took over some of the supervision and became aware that things weren’t being done that should have been. So she provided some feedback (I’m sure quite gently given my experience of her) and asked for them to make some changes which they either did half-way or ignored her requests altogether. The things she was asking were not out of the ordinary (no-brainers in my estimation) so the push back was a bit perplexing to me. What I’ve come to realize is that because they were not trained properly and left to their own devices, they experienced the feedback from my counterpart as meddling and her not understanding that “we do things differently” here.
So...I have some work ahead of me. I’m not a micro manager or someone who doesn’t support creativity when it comes to working with clients however, I know that if something goes sideways with a client, it is really, really, really important that what you are doing and have done with them is accurately reflected in their files. And, as I explained to one of my staff on Friday, I’m ultimately responsible so I have to know what is going on and there will be some things that are non-negotiable. That wasn’t the easiest conversation to have as I am aware that there have been some resentments building for some time and they had pictured me coming in and defending them. I am happy to do that but only if I agree and some of the things they are upset about, I just don’t agree with. So I had to address some things with him and I think it was a good conversation but the thing about being the boss is that there is I may never really know.
On the home front, things are going well. I had the kids for a week after my self isolation ended and they went back to their dad’s on Saturday for another week. My son really struggled with leaving. He says a week is a really long time to be at dad’s without seeing me. He loves his dad and wants to visit with him but his dad’s place isn’t home. He was quite clingy the last two days and constantly hugging me and telling me how much he would miss me and that he wanted to stay. It was upsetting but I just reassured him that we could FaceTime whenever he wants and that when he is older, he can decide where he wants to be and for how long. My son is such a sensitive little soul.
Jack has been staying with me for a week and it’s actually going really, really well. SD20 and XMIL are warming up to him. We had Easter dinner last night and Jack played some classical guitar which is always a hit - especially with XMIL. He is talking more with everyone and has been playful with the kids. We had family game night on Friday with XMIL and played some basketball with D12 and then Saturday morning he and SD20 had a nerf gun fight with the twins while I was in the shower. Having him around definitely makes life less lonely for me - especially when the kids aren’t home. We had a good talk last week. We love each other but still question whether we are fooling ourselves that it could last long term. We’ve basically decided that he is going to stay with me until the CV19 social distancing measures are over with and then we will reevaluate. Who knows? After four months, we should definitely have an idea whether or not we are compatible to live together. The great part about this particular situation is that it gave us a good excuse to try this (either we lived together or we didn’t see each other) and also a natural out if things don’t go well. So far so good but it’s only been a week so we’ll see.
I’ve thought about this a lot and I just don’t think I am capable of that “all-in, head-over-heels, blind faith” kind of love anymore. In the past, I’ve thrown myself into relationships and ignored any warning signs or niggling doubts...this was especially the case with XH. I knew he was capable of cheating and lying but I just didn’t think it would happen with us because of how head over heels in love we were. I realize now that those behaviours don’t just happen...they aren’t accidents...they aren’t a measurement of how much someone loves you. I thought that he couldn’t do those things to me because of how much he loved me but that was faulty thinking on my part. Even during the worst times in our relationship, I could not have done the things that he did to me. Commitment, honesty, loyalty...these are character traits and they don’t change without a lot of serious personal work that begins with taking responsibility and ownership of your behaviour. XH doesn’t do that. He never has and I don’t think he ever truly will. Seeing how he has dealt with SD20 is proof of that. What is that saying? When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them. Makes a lot of sense to me now. And I think that is why I don’t see myself rushing into anything with anyone anymore. People show you who they are over time.
Anyway...that’s enough rambling for the day. Stay safe and stay well everyone!!! (((HUGS)))
Another week of social distancing and I am super proud of my area of the world. Only three deaths in my health authority thanks to people taking this seriously and working to flatten the curve. I am still flabbergasted when I read posts on here from people who are minimizing the impact of this pandemic or making an argument for doing less, not more, to stop the spread. People’s capacity to deny reality when it suits them never ceases to amaze me.
Kids’ teachers are sending weekly plans so their school is going well. They’ve been at their dad’s for the past week and will be coming home today. Looking forward to having more bodies in the house. Had a nice chat with SD20 last night. I hadn’t seen her for a couple days as she mostly stays downstairs and eats with her grandma. She comes up to sit on my deck and work on her tan.
I am still going to work every day so not a lot has changed for me day to day other than my VISA bill is a lot smaller because I’m not going for out for dinner or shopping for anything other than groceries. I get to see my sister pretty regularly still as we walk our dogs together (six feet apart, of course). She’s not working so is quite bored.
Jack and I are still doing reasonably well. He’s trying hard to follow my rules around keeping the living areas of the home relatively clean and tidy and adjusting to having scheduled dinners. He’s used to living the life of a bachelor and doing what he wants 24/7 on his own timeline so having to consider someone else’s is a big change. We’ve had a couple of clashes because of it but nothing major. Still not sure if this arrangement is going to last any longer than social distancing restrictions but time will tell.
Time to get my Saturday started... thinking about those of you who are living in areas that have been hit hard by this illness. Stay safe and stay well!!! (((HUGS)))
Glad that your area is doing much better then ours. Common joke when our president got in was “time to move to Canada”. Its been really sloppy and messy in the US. Embarrassingly handled - I’m not sure if someone could do a worse job but not surprised to be honest.
Anyway, I wanted to respond to predicting who will be a cheater. I don’t think there is any way to predict. Obviously, if they cheated on someone else with you - you know eventually they will cheat on you. If they have a history of cheating that’s a huge red flag. But other then that what do we have to go on? There’s different types of cheaters as well.
When I met my ex husband I never felt head over heels or intense chemistry. I went for him believe it or not because I felt like he was stable and wouldn’t cheat. He wasn’t romantic, he was not a womanizer. I felt like he was shy, humble, and honest. He had tons of asbergers qualities that I felt safe with when it came to cheating.
Maybe one factor is that they tend to be entitled. My ex was always late - and even made comments like “they can wait for me”. It was always about him first. Maybe that’s a predictor for a cheater. But a blander less passionate no drama relationship isn’t a safety net. Trust me - I lived that.
Best of luck and glad to see your doing well in all of this.
Hey DV, nice to see a little update. I'm glad you're well.
Just a little "hello" and well wishes.
Hi All.
It’s been a long time since I posted. Time sure flies when you are having fun... ha ha. A lot of changes in my life but also a lot has stayed the same. I am about six weeks into my new job. A few challenges in the beginning with staff who didn’t get the proper orientation to their positions and there had been some “program drift”. I worried about having to do too much micro managing but I seem to have won people over and now they are seeking me out for my input and seem to trust that what Im asking them to do is ultimately for their benefit. Ive had feedback that Ive done more in six weeks than my predecessor did in a year and that I’m around more. Also the atmosphere is pretty lighthearted and we are laughing a lot so it feels good. I am happy and proud to say that I’m becoming the kind of boss that I like to have. It’s been a great move for me.
Some changes to my personal life. Jack went back home and he and I have resolved to remain friends. We love each other but we both know we don’t have a future together. I was glad to have his company for a couple months but I know in my heart, and mind, that we don’t have a future together and our relationship and kind of run its course. We are just in different places in our lives and there wasn’t really any getting around it. He is coming by on Saturday at my daughters request. His birthday is next week and she wanted to have a little birthday party for him. She had gotten him a party hat and goofy glasses to wear so asked me if it would be okay. I made it a lunch party so he could return home without staying over.
Brook reached out to me again a couple weeks ago and we have been texting off and on. It has been great talking with him again. I still think he and I are a lot alike and he is exactly the kind of person I see myself with in the future but I’m not getting too excited about it given how things went last time. But...you never know. Well see, I guess.
Have started doing more yard work than I am used to and Ive actually been enjoying it. There is a lot of satisfaction when you can make an outside area look nice. My kids have also done some work. Told them I would pay them $5 for every large bucket of dandelions they managed to pick. My daughter is pretty good at it. She could bankrupt me...lol.
My area has been doing really well flattening the curve. No new cases for the past two or three days. They’ve done over 18,000 tests and only 126 of those tests came back positive for CV19. 120 of those have recovered fully. One is in hospital but not in ICU and unfortunately the other five passed away. Still...pretty good numbers for an area of this size. Stores and services are starting to open up again albeit with lots of precautions still in place. Well know better in a couple weeks how we are doing with the additional freedoms that have been given to us.
Anyway...l need to hit the hay. Thinking of all of you and hoping you are all healthy and safe. (((HUGS)))
Only 126 positives? My city has had an average of about 150 positive per day every day for the last 2 months and we are NOT considered a hot spot. Our curve is flat but not yet declining; and the neighboring county just had a surge of Covid hospital admissions so their hospitals are on bypass and their excess cases coming to us. Using surveillance data from other places that put the estimate of mild and asymptomatic cases at 9 for every one identified case, I estimate that roughly one in 100 people in my city have been infected so far.
Congrats to you on settling in to your job! I imagine DBing skills are useful as a manager too, no?
As for Jack and Brook - just make sure you aren't booting Jack again in favor of Brook, since Brook did turn out to be a bit of a flake. Let Brook come to you - don't do all the work. If he can't put the effort in, he's not the one for you.
KML... I cannot fathom how tough things must be for all of you right now. There is such discrepancy between different areas and who knows why. In Canada, the east got hit way harder than the west and there is some thought that it might be due to Spring Break happening in Quebec a week earlier than in other parts of the country. Our provincial government has been doing daily updates and reminders on television since all of this started. Anyone not adhering to social distancing was pretty much shamed into compliance. They did start to fine people but that only happened a few times in more heavily populated areas before people started to really figure it out. Now physical distancing is just pretty much a way of life. My kids are adapting to online school like champs and get their social contact virtually or from a distance. I live on Vancouver Island and there is now only one identified case here (and it's a big island!!) and that poor person is in the hospital. They emptied the hospitals to prepare for the influx of patients that never came so elective surgeries are starting up again next week apparently. Brook is a nurse and he has actually been working less than usual. Also a factor is that ferry service to the Island was greatly reduced so people just aren't coming here unless they have to. I think that has really helped as well.
Re: my break up with Jack. He was definitely not tossed aside in favour of Brook. I have no idea why Brook reached out to me when he did but it was long after I had decided in my mind that my relationship with Jack had run its course. I had predicted that us sharing space was going to be a make or break move and it definitely was. He tried really hard to settle into "domestic bliss" and I know there were parts of it that he really liked but, at the end of the day, we both realized that he probably isn't stepfather or partner material at this stage of his life and there are too many differences between us for it to work long term. Jack loves me because I am really good to him and I don't think he has been in a relationship with someone like me before. He also thinks of me as his best friend and missed me a lot the last time we split. I think if we can manage to stay friends, we will both be very glad we made this decision. I had actually been thinking of ways to broach the subject with him for a week or two when he finally brought it up. I told him every time I heard the song "Scared to be Lonely", I would think of us and that probably wasn't a good sign. There is a reason that, after a year, I haven't met his family and that I don't really talk about him to my friends (other than the really close ones) or think of a future with him in it. We both know, on some level, that this is not a "forever" relationship and I know that calling it quits was a good decision. I know it because the second we made it, it felt like a 1,000 pound weight had just lifted off my shoulders and I've been really happy ever since. Also, since he left, we have had very little contact and I haven't really missed him. That, to me, is also a sign we made the right decision.
When I think of the future, I think of being with a nameless, faceless guy who is around my age, is probably a dad (so he gets my responsibilities), has similar values as me and wants to retire in ten or so years and spend a lot of time traveling. Now Brook is exactly that guy "on paper" but I have no idea if he is that in real life or if our emotional attraction to one another will translate into a physical one. The good news is that, unlike last time, I'm not getting carried away with the whole romantic idea of first loves becoming last loves. It would make a great story if it happened but I've really taken a step back from the idea. I have also let him make most of the effort this time around. I think he can probably sense that because he is the one initiating about 95% of our conversations. And...he finally suggested we get together face-to-face and said it is "long overdue". He doesn't quite have his work schedule figured out for next week but he says as soon as he does, we can pick a day for him to come down for a visit. I joked that as soon as we decide on a day there would be a rock slide on the highway preventing him from getting here...lol. Guess we will see...
Hello DV
It’s nice to see you settling into your new job so well. I’m glad it’s turned out to be such a great move. As if there was any doubt.
Your locale has similar numbers of a Covid as mine. My province of over just over 2 million has 292 cases total. 269 fully recovered. Almost 38000 people tested and only 290 cases. Doing pretty well here in middle North America.
When sensational local news stores became unavailable, the media ran big presentations about the latest flare up of 4 more cases. Then the next few that trickled in from the same work place over the next few days. The running count of cases and new inflections (which is zero) hasn’t changed for a week. The news is now how many days we have gone without a new case.
Weird when compared to other places. Totally grateful for that. I suspect you have similar outlooks.
I think of being with a nameless, faceless guy who is around my age, is probably a dad (so he gets my responsibilities), has similar values as me and wants to retire in ten or so years...
Oh so close. I currently plan on retiring in 2 or 3 years at age 55.
And I got a face and a name. Shucks, missed on lots of counts. Only got the Dad part and values. LOL.
It is nice to hear from you.
Have a wonderful day.
DnJ
Hey All.
Thought I would drop by and say hello. It’s been awhile.
DnJ... LOL. Face and a name. That’s hilarious. The dad part and values...hugely in your favour!!! If only you were a bit closer...
CV19 situation on VI still really really good. No new cases in over a month now and while we are still practicing social distancing and large venues like community centres, movie theatres, etc... are still closed. But most stores have reopened (albeit with restrictions on how many people are allowed inside) and things are inching toward normal. Ferry services have resumed (very restricted before) but also with precautions in place... no cafeteria, vending machines, people remain in their cars or wear masks if in passenger areas. People are allowed to gather in smaller groups. Children are once again playing outside and family and friends are getting together again. Job is going well still although courts have not been sitting so I only have one client and one assessment on the go. A lot of downtime at work when I’m not in meetings so I’ve been taking a lot of online courses and researching random work-related topics online to add an educational component to weekly team meetings. My staff has gotten used to me and feedback is that everyone is pretty happy.
Update on my love life...
Where I last left off... I had a date arranged with Brook. Yeah... you probably can guess... it didn’t happen. He canceled due to work...he said. I went to my friends’ place at the lake for a couple days and didn’t hear from him. Sent a text a couple days later with a picture and a short blurb about it... no reply. Granted the text did not ask for a reply but usually he acknowledges them. Sent another random text a few days after that. Again...no response. A third text a couple days later asking if everything okay cause hadn’t heard from him...no response and I know he wasn’t dead. Anyway...at that point, I got a bit triggered and sent a text saying that I didn’t know what was going on with him but I expected more from him and I’m moving on. We are still Facebook friends but haven’t had any direct contact for a few weeks. I was disappointed but clearly we were in different places. Maybe we will have contact in the future, maybe not but suffice it to say, it is his loss.
Jack and I have had very little contact. The odd text now and then which I don’t initiate. I know he is actively trying to forget about us and I need to let him do it even though I do miss our friendship.
So now that CV19 has abated somewhat, I decided to give OLD another try and see who is out there. Took the online dating coaches advice and have swiped right on more people than I usually would so when one person doesn’t work out, you still have other people to meet. Stops you from putting all your eggs into one basket and opens you up to more possibilities. So...that’s what I’ve done. Wow!! They weren’t wrong. So far I’ve had one date that was quite pleasant (walk and a coffee). He sent me a passive temp check text a couple days later that I think he was probably hoping would prompt me to ask him out but I didn’t bite. He was nice but I didn’t feel any kind of a romantic attraction toward him. I have another walk and coffee date tonight with a different guy who looks pretty cool. We’ve had a few conversations but got to the “let’s meet” stage pretty quickly which I appreciate. Like the last guy, we haven’t talked enough for there to be any expectations so no idea how this is going to go and am open to whatever. I’m also in regular contact with a guy in my neighbourhood who is a couple years older than me. He matches up pretty well with me on paper but I’m starting to feel like he might be a bit too Type A for me. He has a masters in health administration and was running a few hospitals in our health authority before they restructured and bought him out. So he’s practicing retirement and “looking for a new gig” and seems to spend most of his days hiking, climbing and SUP. He’s been “interviewing” me pretty hard and tbh, it’s starting to get a bit tiresome. He’s also one of those people who will start a conversation and then disappear half way through without warning and come back two hours later. I know this is the practice these days but I still would prefer someone tell me they have things to do and will catch up later. So...without going into detail, I have three other potentials that I’ve been talking to that I may meet at some point...one guy who lives about an hour from me who is my age and has similar experiences is particularly promising (6’3”, single dad of three adult boys, likes hockey and golf, is a manager of some sort, etc...). We both have next week off so I imagine will find some time to meet. Anyway... I’m having fun, keeping my expectations low and just going with the flow and it feels pretty great.
In other news... SD20 has been living with me for a couple months now and it has been going great. Love having her around. She is super fun and we get along really well. It’s been a gift having her here. She met with her dad a couple weeks ago and sadly it didn’t go well. From her description, it sounds as if he basically went into defensive mode and invalidated her feelings. Tried to convince her that she was seeing things in the wrong way instead of acknowledging her experience and owning his behaviour. The kicker was when she asked him why he wanted a relationship with her now, he replied “because I’m happy now.” In other words... “it has been and still is all about me”. Sigh. I am sad for her. Every kid should have a good relationship with their parents. So...she has basically disowned him in her head. I am staying out of it. When she has mentioned him, I validate her feelings but also suggest to her that life is long and not to make any major decisions she might regret in the future. XH is leaving her alone currently but OW reached out to her yesterday wanting to get to know her and hear her side of things. I told her it was completely up to her and that I think OW is genuine in her desire to get to know her. She is a good kid so is considering it but also says that meeting and getting to know OW is of no benefit to her and she already has a stepmother and doesn’t want or need another one. Again...I am staying out of it. Not my monkeys, not my circus. XH and I are doing fine on the coparenting front which is my only concern at this point. Other than that, he is out of my life and I rarely think about him anymore.
Anyway...that’s my update. Have to get ready for work so no time to get caught up on others’ threads but will find some time to do so soon. (((HUGS))) to you all!!! DV6 xo
So...another update. CV19 situation where I live is still really good. No new cases for about two months now. Physical distancing is still in place but people are definitely relaxing a bit from an emotional perspective.
OLD adventures continue. Been on a few more first dates since I last posted. No real desire to have a second date with any of them. Just no spark or any kind of excitement at the prospect of seeing them again. Felt bad about one guy as he was super nice and interested in a second date but I just had to go with my gut. He was so cool about it, though, I almost reconsidered.
Had a “false start” with someone earlier in the week. That one was a bit of a blow. I must have gone through a couple hundred profiles on Tinder when I ran across a guy who looked just my “type”. Tallish, attractive (but not in a “full of himself” way), funny and intelligent. So I swiped right and got a match about five minutes later. I said “hi...you have no idea how many profiles I had to swipe left on before I got to you!!” HIs reply... “Hi. You are (twin)‘s sister, right?” Huh?!: Ummm...yeah.... turns out he worked with my sister over 15 years ago for about six months. What are the odds?? Anyway, we talked a lot over two days and were really excited to meet one another (sister confirmed he is a nice guy) and then I didn’t hear from him for two days and got a feeling that something was up. Thursday night, I get a text from him confirming what I had felt. He lives about an hour and a half away and, like me, has his son half time and a good job (we both work for the government) so won’t be able to live anywhere else anytime soon. From our conversations, he figured out that I am in the same boat as him. So...it’s a long distance relationship primarily seeing each other on weekends and holidays only. He said he thought long and hard and realized that isn’t enough for him. So...he decided he didn’t want to meet me in person as he “doesn’t want to fall for someone he can’t see every day.” I’m a firm believer in “where there’s a will, there’s a way” and also that I’d rather spend 30% of my time with the right person than 100% of my time with the wrong person but I get that not everyone is like that. So I just thanked him for being up front and not ghosting me and left it at that. Not gonna lie though...that one was really disappointing as he was the first guy I’ve been excited about since Brook.
I do have a “date” of sorts today which is a bit interesting. For those of you who have been following along, you may remember Facebook Guy from last year. Well...we’ve maintained a periodic texting friendship but haven’t actually been in each other’s presence since I got together with Jack last April. Anyway... we had an exchange a week or so ago where he asked about Jack and I told him we had broken up about six weeks before. Didn’t think much of it and then got a text out of the blue on Wednesday saying he was thinking about coming to my town and wondered if I might want to hang out. After 15 months?? Ummm...okay. So...he texted me yesterday to say he was coming up in the morning and planned to visit his aunt first and then come to my place at around 11. Anyway...it will be good to see him. Even though he seemed on the fence in terms of a romantic relationship (as was I), we did really get along and I like his energy a lot as a person. So...no expectations. Just going to enjoy hanging out with a friend.
Still have not met Type A guy in my neighbourhood and don’t think I am going to meet him unless I reach out. He’s been texting me almost daily for about two weeks. It got kind of old, so the last few times, I’ve been minimally responsive. I last heard from him on Monday when he asked me if I had any questions for him and I replied... “Can’t think of any at the moment. Packing up to head home.” Just didn’t have the energy or inclination to think of anything which I’m sure he interpreted as “not interested”. Not upset about it since I talked with him enough that I think it is highly unlikely we are a match.
Haven’t had any communication with Jack for about three weeks. I’ve picked up my phone a couple times with the thought of saying “hi” and “how are you” but thought better of it. I miss his friendship but I know he is trying to move forward and hearing from me might make that harder to do. It would be selfish of me to contact him so I just need to let him go. Break-ups really do suck.
Relationship with XH is still fairly stable in that we are doing well as co parents. Not sure what is going on but he wasn’t able to pay me his share of child expenses at the end of the month. Have to wait until next week. Also OW has been unwell again and underwent some procedure last week that involved surgery. I took the kids so he could be there for her. I just shake my head at this new life he has created for himself. Seems like there are some hard days ahead of him. I’m just hoping it won’t impact our children too much.
So that’s a synopsis of my life these days. Wishing all of you a healthy, enjoyable summer. (((HUGS)))
Good Morning DV
I do enjoy reading your OLD experiences. I do agree with you - do not call Jack.
A few of your dates sounded like good matches; it’s unfortunate the on-paper version of the guy didn’t show up. Keep looking I suppose, it’s a big world and diamonds are out there. Heck, even a ruby, or sapphire, or emerald.
Everyone is a gem and shines in their own way, you wisely know it’s about compatibility.
Nice to hear you and SD20 getting along so well. And yes, I’m pretty sure she has disowned her Dad in her head and heart somewhat. My own kids are there with their Mom as well. Three years of being ignored will do that. It can be built again, with work. However, as you said, not our circus, not our monkeys.
Glad work is settled in, with your staff accepting you and things looking positive. My vocation never had a slow down due to Covid; it got busier. Good for you taking training and courses in this slower time, things will pick up and get busy again. Probably very busy as the backlog starts coming through.
Things with XH sound reasonable as coparenting moves forward. It’s ok to cut him some slack once in a while over late payments for child expenses. However, you don’t want that becoming the norm.
Not much we can do but shake our heads as we look upon their crafted lives and the consequences from the choices they’ve made. Keep keeping your side of the street clean, and doing right for the kids.
Loved the synopsis and update of your life.
Wish good health and summer for you too.
D
Maybe we will have contact in the future, maybe not but suffice it to say, it is his loss.
No - don't have any more contact with Brook. He's revealed that he's an inconsiderate A$$, why would you want anything more to do with him? Don't make any more excuses for him. NEXT!
I'm jealous that Covid is so well controlled where you are. My city has gone from a steady 150 new cases a day to 450-500 new cases a day in the last couple of weeks. ICU beds are filling up though we are not in such dire straits as parts of Arizona, Florida and Texas are. Thankfully masks have been required here since the beginning of May and people are pretty compliant in the stores where I shop (I don't really go anywhere else besides work.)
thx for the update. sounds like your life is drama free which is such a blessing after all any of us here have been through. wishing you a happy summer DV xoxo
Sounds like life is good in DV land. Yay for you! I appreciate the update. I'm with kml on the Brook thing...don't bother with that one. He already showed you who he was and people just don't change, inherently.
As far as your stepdaughter, it is lovely to see what a great relationship you have with her. Speaking from a stepmom's point of view, it can be a very fulfilling relationship and one that takes work, but is so worth it in the end. To DnJ's point, if your SD has kind of put her dad out of her mind/heart, they can find their way to each other again. I have seen it. My stepdaughter's bio mom pretty much blew them off for a man and left them behind and tried to buy their love and all kinds of stuff. I was the one who was there for them through all the teenage drama that life hands to girls. But, as adults, all of the girls have come back around to a relationship with their mom and they all have a very solid relationship with her. I don't like the woman but I always encouraged them, even when they "hated" her to maintain communication with her since she was the only mother they would ever get. They have all since thanked me for that. I didn't do it for the thanks, or even for their mom for that matter, but because I felt it was the right thing to do. And, now, years later, it has, in fact, proven to be the right thing to do.
Okay...so update time again. Has it only been a week?!? Yikes. Feels like a couple weeks at least...lol. Where do I start?
CV19 - Still no new cases on the Island despite the ferries stepping up their trips to and from the mainland. Physical distancing is still alive and well but people are definitely more relaxed. Spent some time at the waterfront close to my house with SD20 and XMIL...had a drink and shared some amazing food truck fries and just enjoyed the sun and the water. A small slice of heaven and it’s in my back yard. I am blessed beyond measure.
OLD Adventures... “Date” with Facebook guy was fun. He came over, we ate some lunch and played some pool (I was in the “zone” so he didn’t win one...lol) and just had a great time catching up. We are very comfortable around each other...like childhood friends really. It was really, really nice to see him.
Talked to a lot of different guys this week...almost got confusing. One stood out from the rest. Unfortunately someone on the mainland and not nearby. He called me on WhatsApp and we talked for two hours. Tall (6’7”), dark & handsome and divorced from someone who cheated on him. Our conversation was effortless. He hung up saying he loved the sound of my voice and later on texted me “you make me smile” and we would talk soon. Yep...well...you guessed it. I’ve had a couple of one-line texts since then and the last one was Thursday morning that he was “still grinning”. I replied but he did not and that’s kinda been it. Ha, ha... just as I’m writing this, I got a text... “hey good looking”...lol. This oughta be good. I’ll reply and nothing will come back. This IS such a FUN game...lol. Damn...my heart skipped a beat too. At least I know I’m alive...lol.
Disappointing but I’ve been doing this long enough now not to get my hopes up. I’ve figured out that I will only meet about 5% of the people I talk to. I’ve also figured out that any guy under 6 feet is lying about his height and occasional smokers are full time smokers. Hence my date on Thursday...lol. Also a guy I spoke with on the phone and while we didn’t have the connection that TDH (tall, dark and handsome) had, he was very nice and I knew we would get along. He’d texted me every day this week and I was busy so on Thursday, he texted to see what I was up to and I suggested we “hang out”. I ended up meeting him down at the yacht club and we went out for a cruise on his boat. Just puttered around the harbour for a couple hours and got pictures of the most amazing sunset I have seen in ages. It was breathtaking!!! Anyway... he was really nice. Attractive...really blue eyes, decent shape, polite, and just an all around nice guy. But... I felt like a giant next to him, even though we were probably about the same height, and he is a smoker. His profile said “occasional” but I think three cigarettes in two hours is more than occasional. Anyway...I don’t begrudge people their bad habits...I’ve just lost too many people to cancer. He texted me this morning to see what I was up to and I gave him a list of errands, etc... so he wouldn’t suggest we get together. Not really sure what I am going to say when he asks me out again. I would be happy to be friends with him, for sure, but most guys are looking for a girlfriend not a buddy. So...a problem for future me I suppose.
So that’s OLD...
In other parts of my life...
Had some sad news on Wednesday. I found out that one of the guys I played pool with when I lived in Vancouver passed away suddenly. We were the same age. He didn’t have a car and lived near me so I would always give him a ride to and from pool nights and tournaments. He had always had an issue with alcohol but apparently got into some drugs when he started dating a girl after I left. Accidental overdose apparently. He was always a kind and gentle person but a bit of a lost soul. I hope he is at peace now.
. Friday I got a message from another guy I played pool with. He and I had been on the same team for 11 years and had become really good friends. He lost his wife, who I adored, a year ago to cancer. Anyway...he texted me some pictures of the deck of his condo that he turned into an outdoor pool room!!!! It looks like it belongs in a magazine, it is THAT beautiful...complete with an amazing view of the city. I asked him when we are going to play and he said “anytime” and that he had a guest room that I could stay in. So we decided we would have a team reunion with our other two teammates in honour of our friend who died. So....that should be happening in a few weeks and I am soooo excited!! Can’t wait to see them.
Finally...update on XH. The boatload of karma that was heading his way may have, in fact, found him. OW has been really sick lately and in and out of hospital. My kids are worried about her. I saw XH today and I can tell he is struggling as well. A year and a half ago, I may have felt a bit vindicated but not now. I just feel kinda sad about it, to be honest. As much as I wanted him to experience some of what he put me through, I did not want him to go through this...or her, for that matter. So...it’s an odd place to be in. Hoping things turn out okay and that whatever is wrong with her is treatable.
Anyway...that’s my update. As predicted, TDH sent me a couple texts and has disappeared again. So annoying. I still don’t get this texting game that people play. Why initiate a conversation with someone if you have no intention of having one? SD20 just told me that when he asked me what was up, he didn’t actually want to know and that he was trying to flirt with me...lol. When someone asks you what you are doing, why is telling them what you are doing the wrong answer?!? Here is our brief conversation... “Hey Good Looking (kissy face emoji)”. My reply: “Hey Handsome (kiss face emoji)”. Him... “What’s cracking.” Me: “Watching a movie with my SD20 who just had an unexpected phone call with her ex bf and needed a distraction.” Done. That’s it. What was wrong with that?!?!? Guys... Can you help me out here?? Maybe I’m just too old for this...
Here is our brief conversation... “Hey Good Looking (kissy face emoji)”. My reply: “Hey Handsome (kiss face emoji)”. Him... “What’s cracking.” Me: “Watching a movie with my SD20 who just had an unexpected phone call with her ex bf and needed a distraction.” Done. That’s it. What was wrong with that?!?!? Guys... Can you help me out here?? Maybe I’m just too old for this...
I think I might be able to help - at least from my perspective. But my first observation... “what’s cracking?” Kissy face emojis, had to re-check the ages. Really? Is this how people “our age” text?
As for what I’d guess went on, is what you had happening was more serious than what he had and he didn’t want to interrupt you or divert your attention away from SD20. Now I would have said something like, “I dont want to take your attention away from her.” That’s what I’d have been thinking.
I’m with you on the smoking - especially these “occasional Smokers”. But then seems like a huge effort being put into looks, height, and similar more surface type things. Sounds a bit like a high school mentality to it all - or at least a player mentality. I just get the feeling that if you found the perfect guy but he was under 6 feet tall you’d pass. If you keep finding guys who seem to be acting like players you might be picking players. Might need to adjust your picker?
Good Morning DV
Sorry about your friend and teammate’s sudden passing. An accidental overdose and him being a lost soul looking for relief is heartbreaking.
Life is full of loss. Live long enough and you will definitely see your share of it.
I also share your “turn off” to smoking, and other destructive behaviours and habits. Seen to many taken to cancer.
YOLO, you only live once, is more of a warning than a dare from my perspective. Guess I got old. Of course I’ve always seen things more that way; more on the stable risk aversion side.
It is interesting to read about the relaxed attitude in your locale regarding the pandemic. Covid, at the moment, is basically banished from my province. It is a strange world right now. The heightened laws and protocols have no statistical need and people generally are at the cusp of going about things as before. There is a “feeling” of noncompliance and also a “feeling” of too much governmental interference and influence at play with nothing thankfully tangible in front of us. Still the draconian dictatorship that was welcomed as the world reportedly exploded around us in pandemic is becoming unwelcome. I’m not sure of, or pushing, a better way forward, it’s just this is not sustainable long term.
XH’s boatload of karma is sad. I completely understand and empathize with your view. Yeah, a time ago vengeance and vindication would have been welcomed, wanting our betraying and cheating spouse suffer some of what they did to us. Now, not really.
You can see XH’s current suffering and probably upcoming pain, and compassionately do not wish it upon him. That say much about you and where you are. Whole and healed.
Texting is such a difficult medium, IMO. No emotions can be heard - And no, quick emoticons do not count. It takes effort to put forth yourself in written form. To impress your emotions upon the words you write.
SD20 may be correct about the flirting. I don’t think TDH didn’t want to know what you were doing, just doesn’t know the next step. It is interesting the term you used - texting game people play.
Courtship is kind of a game.
Traditionally, stereotypically, and still mostly expectedly the man is the pursuer.
Come on too strong, you must be too desperate, red flag, and she’ll run. Come on too weak, you lack confidence, red flag, and she’ll run. It’s difficult to let her know you are thinking about her, without stepping on a land mine.
And any other host of criteria which is completely unknown. Of course both sides have this exploring to see who this person is that they are attracted too.
I’ve also figured out that any guy under 6 feet is lying about his height and occasional smokers are full time smokers.
I’m 5’ 8”. I don’t lie.
You either smoke or you don’t.
I do agree many people probably exaggerate their online persona.
It is such a game. And people play it.
I’d rather live it. yolo. Authentic and sincere. Play by good rules! You will find someone who does as well.
Guys... Can you help me out here??
TDH - Hey Good Looking (kissy face emoji).
DV - Hey Handsome (kiss face emoji).
TDH - What’s cracking.
DV - Watching a movie with my SD20 who just had an unexpected phone call with her ex bf and needed a distraction.
Crickets - Chirp.
Did you just unintentionally call him a distraction? I am guessing you mean a pleasant distraction. (Oh the coldness of text)
Personally, “What’s cracking” does not equate to inquiring what you are doing. It is flirting! By all means tell him what you are doing - tell him “what’s cracking” - AND flirt back!!!
TDH - What’s cracking.
DV - Watching a movie with my SD20 who just had an unexpected phone call
with her ex bf and needed a distraction. just as you texted. What a wonderful intermission you are. I’ll probably not be thinking about the movie after this. (heart emoji)
If you are interested, show it. Look, us guys, want to be pursued too.
Scary to think of isn’t it? How do you pursue? Don’t want to be all crazy stalker lady. Lol.
Well that’s kind of the view from the other side. More or less.
D
“Hey Good Looking (kissy face emoji)”. My reply: “Hey Handsome (kiss face emoji)”. Him... “What’s cracking.” Me: “Watching a movie with my SD20 who just had an unexpected phone call with her ex bf and needed a distraction.” Done. That’s it. What was wrong with that?!?!?
Hi DV, hope you're well. This one caught me, and perhaps a slightly different perspective here.
He asked you what YOU were doing. He doesn't know SD20, and honestly does not care what she's doing. Not in a rude way, but she's really not interesting to him. Looking at the response the majority of the sentence is about her. Perhaps more of a "Oh, relaxing with my SD20 watching a movie" which reframes it about YOU.
That's my (gently intended) 2cents.
Just realized I forgot to respond to those of you who commented on my thread.
KML...I really hope things turn around for you in your area soon. In all of the US, really. It’s been hard to watch what has been happening. If only there had been some strong leadership in the beginning and a clear message to everyone, maybe things could have turned out a bit better. Certainly that is what I think made a difference up here. Anyway...sending you lots of positive thoughts and good wishes for a healthier summer.
Bttrfly and Dawn....thank you. Always nice to have good people in your corner wishing you well. I appreciate your thoughts on being a stepparent Dawn. Life IS long and I still have hope that SD20 and her dad will one day enjoy a positive relationship. SD20 just needs some time, I think, and maybe a bit more life experience to come to terms with the disappointing relationship she has had with her dad. He wasn’t a terrible dad to her... just not the dad she needed or wanted. Watching him be that dad to her siblings, I think, makes it very hard for her to understand how he was with her growing up. But...as she pointed out to me last night...he gave her half her genes so he did something right. I am staying out of it but I do tell her when I think she can hear it that I believe her dad is genuine in his desire to repair things between them...he just hasn’t really come to terms with his own actions or lack thereof.
DnJ...always so great to get comments from you on my thread. I do so appreciate your measured way of looking at life and doing the right thing...even when it is the hard thing. You have helped so much to keep me on a really good path. Thank you.
(((HUGS))) to you all.
LOL...you guys are the best...
DonH... I wouldn't’ pass if the guy was under six feet tall. Jack was my height...maybe even an inch shorter. But...I am naturally attracted to guys who are taller than me. It’s is a hang up I’ve had since Jr. High... good or bad...it’s just the way I am. Same thing as guys who say they like girls large chests or prefer blonds to brunettes. It’s a preference thing..not a judgement. Having said that, attraction for me is way more about chemistry and I just haven’t found it with anyone I’ve met in person yet. I feel like I will have it with TDH because of our chemistry on the phone...if we get to that place.
DnJ & Yail...wow. Way to break it down for me. Yikes. I really need to get better at this...lol. Having said that, I did have a text from TDH when I woke up this morning (sent at midnight) apologizing for not replying and said that he dozed off. I’ve done that before so not a big deal. He texted me this evening... a picture of the dinner we made. We texted back and forth for a bit and then I had to go to mow my lawn. So...who knows...gotta definitely up my game in the flirting department...lol.
Quick update... TDH and I texted back and forth until 11 p.m. We traded pictures and thoughts and engaged in lots of fun banter. I think I upped my game in the flirting department a little bit but was still me. TDH may not be quite as confident as I thought as he confessed that he doesn’t think I will like him because he already likes me. Hmmm...I was kinda thinking the same thing yesterday before we talked. In fact, pretty sure I told my sister the exact same thing when we were at the mall. He also told me he is “very interested” in me and that he can’t stop smiling when he talks to me. That makes two of us. First time in three years I’ve wished I was still on the mainland so I could meet him sooner rather than later. He did spent his formative years just down the road from where I live though and has told me he plans to move back here as soon as he can which, unfortunately, won’t be for a number of years given the age of his kids. So...it would be a LDR for us if it worked out which I am not totally opposed to. He’s only a 90-minute ferry ride away, not a five hour drive or a four hour flight. It is definitely doable if we both want to make it work. Anyway...that’s miles ahead of where we are at currently. I just really want to meet him soon to see if what we have over the phone and text translates in person. Fingers crossed I get to the second date!!
Hi All. Another update...
On the XH front. He is spending a lot of time at the hospital with OW. Still can’t get over the irony of that. OW will be helicoptered over to the mainland on Monday for a liver transplant. Seems she lost the genetics lottery when it comes to her health. Hopefully the surgery will be a success. As much as I wanted the karma bus to hit XH, I did not want this. On a positive note, he and I are still rocking the coparenting thing. We’ve even had some pleasant conversations lately. It feels good to not be angry with him anymore.
On the dating front. Well...TDH and I have talked every day this week. He says he can’t stop smiling and he thinks about our conversations for days. He sends me random “I like you” texts and loves my humour. Every time I hear his voice my heart skips a beat. We talk about so many different things at a much deeper level than I have with anyone in a long time and he teases me the way one would an old friend. He says he really likes me, the person, and isn’t worried about not being attracted to me physically. We’ve traded lots of pictures so I have a very good idea what he looks like and I’m not worried either. He is exactly my “type” physically. Anyway...we won’t have too long to wonder as he is coming for a visit next weekend. Can’t wait to see if the connection we have over the phone translates in person. Regardless, he and I have agreed we will have a great time no matter what. We plan to visit a lot of his favourite childhood haunts and we’re making each other our “specialties”...fish tacos for him and Thai curry for me. Wish me luck!!
Well...my weekend with TDH has been postponed. His nephew is sick and is being tested for CV19. Unlikely he has it (he’s 2 years old) but better to be safe than sorry. So...assuming the test comes back negative, he will come visit me next week. In the meantime, we continue to talk on the phone every day and I feel like I know him better than I knew Jack who I dated for a year. Personality-wise, we are a really good match and are both excited to see if the connection we have over the phone translates in real life. He thinks we’ll know the minute we lock eyes. So he is also a romantic like me...lol. Anyway...last week seemed to crawl by. This week is going to be worse, I’m sure. Trying not to have unrealistic expectations but I get just a bit more hopeful every time we talk. Anyway...seven more sleeps...
On the XH front. OW is in the hospital on the mainland and has a team of doctors trying to help her. No transplant yet...they are apparently trying to figure out a way to avoid doing that. XH has been with her at the hospital for the last few days and is returning this morning to take the kids for the weekend and look after his house. He’ll go back again at the beginning of next week and then return for the weekend again. He’s pretty stressed I think. It actually hit me the other day that he is the living the life that I was living. Single parenting, looking after the home and basically on his own most of the time with a partner that is in the hospital (well..his actually is...mine, as we know, wasn’t). The irony is really unbelievable. There really is such a thing as karma.
Checking in...
Not much new in my life currently...just more of the same. TDH and I continue to talk on the phone most nights. Friday for about two hours with texting in between cause he couldn’t sleep...lol. We have talked about a ton of things. On Friday, it was the death of our father’s and the impact that has had. He got quite emotional talking about it as he lost his dad at the age of 20. We also talked about the prospect of a LDR and he feels he same way I do. We’re only a ferry ride apart and we both prefer quality of time over quantity. Plus he is adamant that it has always been in his plans to move here so if we went the distance, we’d eventually live together anyways. I don’t’ think I would have been too enthusiastic about this 15 or 20 years ago when I was wanting to have a family but my wants and needs are different now and a weekends-only relationship is actually pretty appealing on a lot of levels. Anyway...his nephew tested negative so four more sleeps and we will find out if the connection is as strong in person as it is on the phone. Not nervous AT all.
Sounds like things are going well. Good for you! Great news that his nephew tested negative for Covid.
One last check in before my weekend with TDH. Groceries are bought. House is clean. We have a plan to watch the hockey game tomorrow night as both of us are Vancouver fans. Not sure when he is getting here as there have been lots of one and two sailing waits even for walk-ons. I’m really confident we will enjoy each other’s company because we have talked so much. I just don’t know about the physical attraction so am super nervous but also excited. Pretty sure I won’t get a whole lot of work done tomorrow. Gotta try and get a good night’s sleep. One thing I have noticed about being in my 50s is that when you don’t get a good night’s sleep, it shows. So that’s my big goal for the evening...lol.
LIfe for XH and OW continues to be super challenging. She is back in the local hospital still waiting for a transplant. When that happens she will have to go to the mainland and be there for three months. He’s going to be travelling back and forth for the foreseeable future and I think life is going to get pretty stressful for him. Been trying to support him as much as I can from a distance. In the past when he was going through something hard, he would lean on me pretty heavily but those days are gone. All I can do is wish him well and be there for our kids when he can’t be.
Anyway...wish me luck. Will update everyone next week sometime. (((HUGS)))
Is he staying at your house for the first meeting?!? Be careful, please!
Have fun , looking forward to the update
FML!! I”m starting to think that maybe I am just doomed when it comes to my love life. So...after anticipating his arrival all day, I get a text at about 3:30 saying that he isn’t coming and that his son is “going crazy” ... like he thinks his dad isn’t coming back. He is apparently calling me later. Seriously?!? I imagined a lot of ways this could go wrong but an epic temper tantrum from an 11 year-old was not one that I had considered. He told me his son had “issues” but I did not anticipate this at all. Anyway...this should be an interesting phone call. It’s going to be very difficult for me not to give my two cents given what I do for a living but wow. I’m actually at a loss for words. Anyway...making my curry for my sister and her husband and watching the hockey game. Not exactly how I saw my evening going but what can you do?
Ginger... yes...the plan was for him to stay at my house. I wasn’t too worried about it. My MIL is downstairs and I have talked with TDH to get a good feel for the kind of person he is. Who knows. He may never make it here if he can’t stand up to his son. Bizarre.
Big. Red. Flag.
Unfortunately one of the big dangers of OLD is people not being who they claim to be. Often the red flag is when plans to meet get put off repeatedly. Might mean his girlfriend came back into town unexpectedly, or he doesn’t resemble his photos, or he’s hiding something else It’s the reason why I recommend meeting for coffee early before you start feeling like you have a relationship (a rule I confess to having broken twice with good enough results but generally it has saved me from lots of things).
Now it’s possible his son has some kind of problem - autism, trauma related anxiety or such. But it’s also possible he has no intention of actually meeting in real life.
Thanks KML. I don’t think this is about him not wanting to meet though. He has talked to me about his son before so this is not outside the realm of normal...for him. I just don’t think TDH was prepared for the meltdown over him leaving for a couple days. Anyway...that is just what I gleaned from the text and previous conversations. I have a few more questions now, that’s for sure. We’ll see what he says when we talk. 20 minutes until the start of the hockey game.
Well...it is 1:20 a.m. and I can’t sleep. Didn’t hear from TDH all Friday and then Saturday morning got a text “Crazy night...”. So I texted him back and asked if he was going to call me or just send me “drive-by texts” which is the nickname I have given his one line seemingly pointless texts that he sends randomly throughout the day. Anyway...he didn’t respond so I sent him another one asking him to call me. An hour later, I’m irritated so I did what I have promised myself numerous times I wouldn’t do and sent him a text that basically said that I thought it was rude that he hadn’t called me yet and that if I were him and he was me, I would have called him the first chance I had, apologized profusely for cancelling last minute and then talk to him about a possible Plan B.
So after I had calmed down and returned to my normal self, I realized that I have no idea how bad things were with his son since it sounds like it affected his evening too and I had come across like a needy person with no life. I mean, if this was a friend of mine who had had to cancel, I would have been like “no problem” and just made other plans. But this triggered something in me I didn’t know was there and I am feeling like a total idiot. Anyway, I sent an apology text an hour later (he didn’t answer my call...gee why?) but pretty sure the damage was done as I haven’t heard from him at all and I don’t expect to. I wasn’t overly rude in my text but I was definitely lectury (probably to a word) and finger-wagging which is, as we know, highly unattractive.
KML I usually have the same rule as you about not talking too long before meeting. I have followed it with every one I have met this time around except for TDH because of how far apart we live. I had jokingly said when the whole thing with his nephew came up that it gave me one more week for him to like me more. I forgot that it did the same for me and now I’m paying for it.
Anyway...XH was going to keep our kids until Tuesday but I texted him that my weekend plans fell through and that he could bring them back earlier if he needed to and that I would welcome the distraction. So he texted back that he was sorry my plans fell through and that he could bring them back Sunday night after dinner. I have the next two weeks off so am hoping to make some staycation plans with them for this week. The following week, I have plans to go to Vancouver one night for my pool team reunion. Totally psyched about that. It will be great to see those guys.
(((HUGS))) to all. I hope your weekends turned out way better than mind.
D,
I’m sorry it didn’t work out with the latest guy and I can understand you’re really frustrated. Surviving D is a great place to learn things especially in the dating world. I’ve noticed in several of your posts you will text guys 3-4 times with out a response. IMO that makes you come off as being needy and sometimes unstable. Rarely should you double text without a response. NEVER do you quadruple text.
Your latest situation IMO should be handled as follows:
I’m sorry to hear about your son and I completely understand. Text me later and let me know how’s he’s doing. Then you wait. He doesn’t text you move on. He texts you let him set up the next date. If he doesn’t set one up in a reasonable amount of time you move on.
It’s really that simple.
Good Morning DV
After many failed attempts, I had to look up FML. Lol.
My best guess was - foolish male looser.
Sorry your plans didn’t go as expected. I do agree with kml - big red flag.
Anyhow, you have cut this guy a lot of slack over the last few weeks. Yes, a child’s meltdown might derail his plans. But phones work. He has had plenty of time to call you. Big Red Flag, IMHO.
Personally, I cheered as you sent that lectury text. And don’t worry about damage done - that happened long before that text. His hours and hours of silence did that. You deserve better. Let this one go. You don’t need this.
Hmmmm. I am thinking my interpretation of FML may not be that far off.
It was nice to see XH had a kind and somewhat empathic response. A testament to your coparenting.
D
I am so very sorry it didn’t work out . I know it’s just got to let down when you are looking forward to it.
I agree with everything LH says ( but shhh, don’t tell him that)
I think you might be getting too attached before you even meet. You have all these lovey dovey exciting texts. Which are just words. And when the actions don’t match up, it is a big let down. I personally don’t like too much connection before meeting. Because when they show me who they are in action, I can be more “whatever “ and move on. The reason why you would have acted different with a friend is because you truly know them and their character. You know that they really cancelled for a good reason because you know them well.
Usually when someone comes on so strong it’s a front. You can build up any expectations until you learn who they really are.
Again , I am sorry this happened. It stinks, I know.
Thanks LH. You are so right and this isn’t something I didn’t know. I have no idea what came over me. Well... I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I’m pretty sure I do know what the origin of my upset was which had nothing to do with TDH. I realized it brought up a lot of feelings from my marriage when I felt completely ignored and overlooked by my husband. Like this inner desperation I had to be noticed and appreciated by him. Wow...so painful to look at and see within myself. I am beyond embarrassed by it and just really angry with myself. So much more work to do...
Thanks Ginger. You are right as well. Honestly...TDH didn’t do anything wrong really. He was on his way. His son melted down. He couldn’t leave him in that state and I’m sure he was disappointed that he had to cancel too. I just got way too caught up in my own disappointment and my expectations that he would call me a lot sooner than I guess he planned to. And then my feelings of being overlooked and taken for granted that I had in my marriage rose to the surface and I wasn’t quick enough to recognize it. I blew something that could have been really great. I do think he’s a pretty genuine person. I just really disappointed him when he needed me to do the opposite and we just don’t have enough of an established relationship to get past it at this point. He’s probably thinking he dodged a bullet by not getting involved with a judgmental drama queen which is how I came across, I’m sure. I cringe just thinking about it. Thank you for your support. I really, really appreciate it. (((HUGS)))
D,
I am going to disagree that a this stage of your “relationship” you need to be there for him but you certainly could have been more understanding. One of the things I see so many people on this board struggle with is expectations and wanting people to be something that they are not.
I think learning to control your emotions is a great thing for you to work on.
Finding something really great takes time and patience. They key is to build a great life to keep you busy in the mean time.
This too shall pass.
I too feel bad for you and don’t want this to seem cold. But, wow, so much drama already before a first date. Whatever he’s telling you happened may be legit, or at least a semblance of the truth. I also wonder if the pressure was just too much, it all got real, and he was not ready for that. It was already going too fast. If not, and if all he stated was absolute truth, he would have called or done more. I too agree with LH. Should be letting him come to you and not chasing.
Venturing even further into blunt land, at our age, are we Not a bit old to be chasing the fairytale? That’s how it almost reads to me, a fairytale of boy meets girl, falls in love, has an amazing romantic weekend on the very first meeting and they live happily ever after. It’s a lot for most guys - too much for many. A couple hour dinner date with a stranger is enough to try to get through let alone a multi day sleepover the very first time you lay eyes on each other. That’s PRESSURE. I’d bet sizable cash it’s that pressure that sent him running. And then the bit of a chase seals it.
Yeah, coffee date is the best first option. Maybe dinner in a sitch where there was seemingly good chemistry during initial discussions. Anything beyond that is more pressure than most people care to handle.
Or perhaps it boils down to two words - On-line Dating. Maybe only one word sums it up - dating.
There was a guy I was talking to online for 5 mo the before we met, as it was Long distance. I was young and dating back then I took a risk and he stayed the weekend. We did hit off...... ( ended up being a physical in the end of all of it, but not when we were together) but OH MY GOD, the pressure was enormous. I thought about a million ways to get out of it, to be quite honest . Don is right. Coffee, dinner, a drink for your first date. If that translates to more because there is upfront chemistry. Great. If not, there is an out. Having someone over for the weekend before you really met is a lot of pressure and scary as heck. Could have been a part of it too.
Next time....... nice and slow and an early meeting
Thanks everyone. I am going to Vancouver next week for my pool team reunion. If I do hear from him again, I will suggest we meet for a coffee. I have to be in his area anyway...promised my sister I would go to Ikea for her. But...at this point, it’s a big IF.
Re: pressure and the fairy tale. I totally get what you are saying. If I created that all on my own, I’d be more upset with myself but it was a 50/50 street...TBH...almost more on his end than mine. I suggested I come over on the ferry for a date on the other side but he kept kiboshing the idea saying he wouldn't want to let me go. I probably should have pushed it but I got caught up in the fairy tale. Lesson learned.
Anyway...thanks you guys for being there for me... and for the 2x4’s which I definitely deserve. I have a ton of messages on the dating apps that I have totally stayed off of. Will probably check them out in a week or two once I get my head back on straight.
Love you all!!! (((HUGS)))
The truth is those that come on so strong in the beginning usually can’t walk the wall and are just really good at talking the talk.
I’ve learned that from experience. The hard way. And all you can do is learn from it.
Don’t be hard on yourself. It’s just a lesson learned. You are a great catch. And a smart woman. Chalk it up as a lesson learned and move on.
And kick some butt in that tournament !
Thanks LH. You are so right and this isn’t something I didn’t know. I have no idea what came over me. Well... I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I’m pretty sure I do know what the origin of my upset was which had nothing to do with TDH. I realized it brought up a lot of feelings from my marriage when I felt completely ignored and overlooked by my husband. Like this inner desperation I had to be noticed and appreciated by him. Wow...so painful to look at and see within myself. I am beyond embarrassed by it and just really angry with myself. So much more work to do...
so TDH has served a great purpose. Thank his higher self for the valuable lesson you've just learned. xoxoxo
So glad I have the next two weeks off because I’m having a hard time sleeping. Still radio silence from TDH despite me having apologized profusely for my less-than-stellar reaction to our cancelled weekend. I don’t know why this is still bothering me so much. I guess I just really hate the idea that there is someone out there who thought I was this amazing person and now thinks I’m a complete jerk. And there is nothing I can do about it because he has stopped talking to me.
Wow...being ignored is SUCH a trigger. I would rather someone screamed and yelled at me and told me to f*ck off than this. Why is that? What is it about the silent treatment that is so hard to take. I know people who do this on the regular when they are upset with someone. XH’s dad would go months, sometimes years, without talking to him. I could never understand it. XH never went without talking to me in such a blatant way but, in hindsight, I guess he did the same thing to me once he decided our marriage was over. I got surface-level info but anything deeper than that, he kept from me until eventually I was married to a stranger...only I didn’t know it until my world blew up.
You are probably right about talking the talk but not walking the walk Ginger. My sister thinks I may have dodged a bullet. She thinks I definitely could have handled things better but what I did wasn’t unforgivable considering the circumstances. She says he could have taken an extra couple of minutes to apologize. Even though he had a good reason for not coming, he did leave me sitting there all day thinking he was on his way only to get an abrupt “not coming’ text in the 11th hour with a promise to call. She also thinks that he had a really unrealistic view of me and had made me into this ideal image that I could not have lived up to so better this happens sooner rather than later. And that if he can’t forgive me for five stupid minutes that I have apologized profusely for, he’s probably not someone I would want to be in a relationship with anyway. She’s probably right. I am a good person but I am definitely not perfect and if perfect is what he is after, he needs to keep looking.
Anyway...I have a “date” to play pool with three guys next week who know me really well and who love me for who I am. I can’t wait to see them. I hadn’t realized how much I have missed them until we made these plans and I started thinking about my old life. We saw each other once a week for ten years and it was a night I always looked forward to. So this visit is going to be a highlight of my summer for sure.
D,
I am going to give you some feedback as I see it from a single man your age.
So glad I have the next two weeks off because I’m having a hard time sleeping.
I am sorry you are having trouble sleeping. It happens to me and is very frustrating.
Still radio silence from TDH despite me having apologized profusely for my less-than-stellar reaction to our cancelled weekend. I don’t know why this is still bothering me so much.
What exactly entails apologizing profusely? One apology was sufficient.
I guess I just really hate the idea that there is someone out there who thought I was this amazing person and now thinks I’m a complete jerk. And there is nothing I can do about it because he has stopped talking to me.
How could you possibly think he was amazing when you never met him? He stopped talking to you because you are not flexible and over reacted. I have/had in my dating profile. Looking for someone flexible. (both kinds would be nice lol)
Wow...being ignored is SUCH a trigger.
Maybe something to explore with IC?
My sister thinks I may have dodged a bullet. She thinks I definitely could have handled things better but what I did wasn’t unforgivable considering the circumstances.
Uuuuuuum how you handled it without even knowing what "apologizing profusely" is would have been a deal breaker for me.
She says he could have taken an extra couple of minutes to apologize. Even though he had a good reason for not coming, he did leave me sitting there all day thinking he was on his way only to get an abrupt “not coming’ text in the 11th hour with a promise to call.
He apologized. My guess is he didn't know his son's reaction until it was time to leave.
She also thinks that he had a really unrealistic view of me and had made me into this ideal image that I could not have lived up to so better this happens sooner rather than later.
What view do you think he had of you without ever meeting you?
And that if he can’t forgive me for five stupid minutes that I have apologized profusely for, he’s probably not someone I would want to be in a relationship with anyway.
Again, you never met and you kind of flaked on him. I am shocked that your shocked you never heard from him again.
She’s probably right. I am a good person but I am definitely not perfect and if perfect is what he is after, he needs to keep looking.
I think he is just looking for someone a little more flexible and understanding.
D, I think these are learning experiences in the whacky life of middle age dating. Learn from it.
Thanks LH. I know he had an unrealistic version of me because he texted me “I love even just the idea of you. No way you exist.” And there were many more similar texts. My biggest mistake is that I let myself believe his feelings could be real. I should have known there was nowhere to go but down when someone sees you that way. So that was also 100% my fault.
I can see your view from the outside looking in for sure that this was all me and I do take responsibility for most of it. But he didn’t apologize. He texted me in the 11th hour that he wasn’t coming because of his son and that was it. There was never an apology. When I got his text, I literally thought it was to say that he had arrived and I should pick him up at the ferry. I had been on pins and needles all day so it was a huge letdown to say the least and I guess I didn’t handle it very well.
I get these are learning experiences and believe me, I am learning a lot. I just think a “one strike and you’re out” way of being is the exact opposite of flexible. And honestly...I am hugely flexible 99% of the time and I have been with him too. I treat people really, really well and if you knew me IRL, you would know that. This was completely out of character and it probably seems to you like it wasn’t because I only come on here when I am struggling with something and confess my worst thoughts and actions but it was. So I apologized which is, I think, the right thing to do. And it was a heartfelt, sincere, genuine apology...one that I think merits a response even if it is just to say, “thanks but no thanks”. Anyway...I’m going to move on and be a lot more careful with my heart in the future and not get sucked into this kind of a dynamic again.
I still say he stunk of internet scammer. There's lots of them out there and they always have an excuse for not showing up.(Especially when their wives or girlfriends show up.)
Doesn't mean your response was ok - don't do that again or you will scare off some good guy too. But I'm of the opinion he wasn't what he seemed. At the very least he wasn't considerate which is a big dealbreaker.
And this is exactly why I advocate a low stress coffee date meeting before getting too wrapped up (even though I have broken that rule once or twice. But that rule has also saved me from getting in too deep with guys who turned out not to be attractive to me in person).
DnJ - Don’t know why but I somehow missed your post. Thank you for your support and for your thoughts. It is nice to know that there is a guy on here who doesn’t think.I was COMPLETELY in the wrong. I realized, in hindsight of course, that even though I do tend to cut people a lot of slack, I also have pretty high expectations that they will act in a situation the way I would and I know not everyone was raised the way I was. If I make plans with someone and I have to cancel, for whatever reason, I call them as soon as possible, apologize and try to come up with another option. Especially if I know that they went to a lot of trouble to prepare for my arrival. I mean... I went to the grocery store the night before to buy a list of ingredients for the tacos he was going to make me. And he knew this because he gave me the list and I had texted him because i couldn’t find one of the items. He also knew that I had purchased a dozen of his favourite beer because I had jokingly texted him that he couldn’t back out now and he agreed. IDK...maybe it seems petty that a “sorry” mattered to me as much as it did but it just did and he definitely didn’t say it even though he probably (hopefully) was thinking it. Or maybe he thought he had said it and was just so caught up with his kid issues that he didn’t notice he had left that part out. Anyway...when I take everything into consideration, I do feel like I didn’t it handle it well BUT I also feel like the feelings I had about how he handled it were also justified. So neither of us are innocent in that regard.
KML - Thanks. Lesson learned. I will definitely not do that again. I acted badly regardless of whether or not he is an internet scammer. I still don’t think he is but I guess that is a question that will never be answered. I think it will help me just to assume he is and chalk this up to a crappy OLD experience with some valuable lessons learned. TBH...I had been doing really well following those rules...until TDH entered my life and I just got enamoured with how enamoured he was (or at least seemed to be) with me. Such is life.
Anyway...taking my kids to the VRcade tonight to kill some zombies. My son is so excited and worried that mom won’t be able to lock and load her gun...lol. Ummm...I’ll figure it out pretty quick and btw...do we also get to kick things?? Cause I’m thinking that zombie killing might be very therapeutic for me right now.
(((HUGS))) to all!!!
DnJ...one more thing I forgot to comment on. XH - yes...it was a great empathic response. I even told him a little bit about how things went awry and he told me not to let it “dig too deep”. So...we are a long way away from being friends, for sure, but we are doing really, really well with coparenting and supporting each other in that regard. It is a good place to be and I am grateful to have gotten here.
D,
I just want to go on the record to say that I do not think you were completely in the wrong. Most of my points were about your expectations.
OLDing is hard for me. I can only imagine it’s much more difficult for a woman.
I’m so sorry the weekend didn’t turn out the way you had planned. I understand wanting and expecting people to behave a certain way. I joke with my husband all the time when something doesn’t go how I hoped/planned/expected that people clearly didn’t follow my script. TDH clearly didn’t follow yours and I hate that your feelings got hurt in the process.
I have to say, I agree with a lot of what LH said. In your last post, you were talking about how if you had to break plans you would let someone know ASAP but you are assuming he DIDN’T do that. How do you know he didn’t let you know as soon as he knew? Maybe he was all set to go then son melted down. Sure, he should’ve called later since he said he would but again, how do you know why he didn’t? Maybe, like kml said, he just flaked because he was a scammer. But then again, maybe he was dealing with a very upset kid all evening. My point here is, when we all first arrived here in db land, there was a lot of talk about not mind reading and your latest post seems to be full of a lot of mind reading about his motives. Again, you could be totally right and he was a cad or kml could be right and he is a scammer. As others have said, just chalk it all up to a lesson learned and try to hold back a bit next time. Dating at this age is HARD!
I just got enamoured with how enamoured he was (or at least seemed to be) with me.
Really, if someone seems that enamoured with you without having actually met you in person that is a BIG RED FLAG! Scammer or Love Addict or super-needy. A confident, mature adult will usually be more rational, at least until he has met you. I figure anybody who is so over the top so early has something wrong with them. Sure, when we were kids in our twenties it as all pheromones and fairytales but you want an adult man now, don't you?
And yes, I say this even though I have broken those rules twice. One was very long distance and we chatted for weeks before meeting. Fortunately the chemistry was there when we met but it was a huge risk (and he turned out to be a Love Avoidant anyway but we are still good friend 11 years later). The second lived 90 minutes away and and the chemistry was also there when we met but he ALSO turned out to be a Love Avoidant (at least he was self-aware and told me up front he didn't "do relationships"). We were also friends and I enjoyed his occasional company when I was between boyfriends until he dropped off the face of the earth a couple of years ago. Both of these men were obviously interested (and interesting) but NOT over the top. In fact I'd dare say both were pleasantly surprised when I turned out to be as advertised, they were a bit wary too. .
Maybe if I hadn't gotten invested in them before we met I would have picked up more of the clues about them, although I have no regrets about either relationship. Still it's outweighed by other people who seemed grand online and then were obvious mismatches when meeting in public which is why I'm such an advocate for not getting involved until you meet, and meeting for coffee sooner rather than later.
Hello DV
I do understand you expectations that TDH would call or respond quicker; like you’d have done if roles were reversed. His not doing that, not having that as high a priority as you, probably would cause more troubles later as well.
I think what is really troublesome for you is the breach of trust. The incipient stage of a relationship is building that fledging trust with the other person. Relationships are based upon trust.
In time our trust account builds with consistent trustworthy behaviours and actions. Then those blunders, withdrawals, are more easily accepted; think long time friend needs to cancel something vs this event. Your trust account for TDH was barely even opened.
Anyhow, don’t beat yourself too much. Go kick some zombie butt and have a good time.
D
Really, if someone seems that enamoured with you without having actually met you in person that is a BIG RED FLAG! Scammer or Love Addict or super-needy. A confident, mature adult will usually be more rational, at least until he has met you. I figure anybody who is so over the top so early has something wrong with them. Sure, when we were kids in our twenties it as all pheromones and fairytales but you want an adult man now, don't you?
I have been thinking the exact same things and having the same conclusions. I mean this is high school or maybe 20 something stuff and talk. Who jumps like this, especially in their 50s? Someone coming on so strong would scare the Bajesus out of me at my age. Is this what woman want to hear? No wonder I’ve never done well OLD.
While I think you really should reconsider and perhaps regret what you allowed to happen, I really don’t think you should blame yourself or your reaction. I just don’t buy this guys story. It just does not all add up to me. I think he was either a scammer, not at all who he claimed - did you video chat with him to confirm he looked like his photos? I just think he made up this excuse. I can’t be totally sure of the reason but it all just screams of cold feet or a player or something. A sincere guy who was legitimately all in would have done more. He would have let you know sooner, been more apologetic, called, etc. and how young is his child? Is he another much younger guy again? Seems out of the ordinary for a guy your age to have a son young enough to have such a meltdown that requires a last minute cancel. And if his son does have struggles like this, why would he plan to be away From him for multiple days in the first place?
Just none of this adds up for me - none of it. I fully admit that I’m way more cautious and way more skeptical of people - especially OLD people. But when things seem just too good to be true, it’s often because they probably are. Don’t beat yourself up over it. I really think you dodged a bullet here. I’d focus more on why you allowed yourself to be sucked in so far and so fast or at least how not to do that again. Was it mostly his looks that got him this far? Again if he never FaceTimed with you I’d say that’s a huge key to why he backed out last minute.
The harsh realities I learned from OLD. And I say OLD because you have no connections to these people like usual friends where they have a duty to be decent......
1) never ever have expectations of decency from someone you’ve never met. Sadly enough. Don’t even have expectations of them being a REaL person. I know this is so so so sad, but it’s so so so true.
2) people who come on so strong in the beginning, especially before you meet them end of following through with that 0% of the time
3) someone is soooo enamored with someone they haven’t yet met is a red flag. And does reek of scammer. And if not a scammer, other things.
But dejavu, it is really easy to get enamored with the way someone e is so enamored with you. It feels good, makes you feel special, boosts your self esteem, amongst other things. It’s been a long time since that has happened for me or I’ve let it happened. Because I know it’s just not sustainable .
Abut 3 years ago I dated much younger guy. Not from OLD. I met him at the fitness classes I took. He was the instructors brother. I was feint with the instructor a a group of younger of single girls in my class. I NEVER thought me and him, I thought him and the younger childless single girls. Well, I found out to my total surprise it was ME he wanted . Shocking . We dated for 3 months. This dude was so into me. And I realized what I enjoyed the most about hi. Was how into me he was . It was a hot and heavy 3 months until he realized our ages and lives don’t match up and we broke up and he started dates someone else. I fell HARD from that relationship . /and it was only 3 months of my life. But I realized it was because he thought I was the bees knees, told me what I wanted to hear, even when he couldn’t follow through.
My point being, we all want to be worshipped on some level. It feels so good when we are deprived for a while . But that situation is rarely ever healthy or sustainable.
Thanks everyone. You all have very valid points and have given me lots to think about. To answer your questions DonH... he is 45 and his son is 11 years old. My son is a year older and I cannot imagine him having a meltdown. However, TDH has talked to me about his son and given my experience with children and mental health, I have seen a number of kids who fit that description and can have meltdowns that have to be seen to be believed. Hard enough to handle if you are a group home worker or a therapist and it isn’t YOUR kid but when it it...that is ten times harder.
Honestly...I think it was all just the perfect storm...we talked on the phone for too long, talked about subjects that were too personal, let the flirting get a bit strong, made way too many plans, and talked as if a future together was just going to happen (him more than me in that regard). I was aware the whole time I was treading into dangerous territory but I thought I was keeping my head together. And then the last minute cancellation and his drive-by texts that had no point and I just kind of lost it for a few minutes. So this is my reward/consequence (I’ll never know which...lol) and I’m going to learn from it.
Was it his looks that got him that far? Ummm...partly I guess. He is a nice looking guy and my “type”. And he sent me lots of pictures...some in real time...so I’m pretty sure he it wasn’t that he doesn’t look like his pics. But honestly... my attraction to him was more about the phone calls we had and our conversations. We just clicked personality-wise. And I do think the meltdown was legit because let’s face it, there are so many other excuses he could have come up with if he really needed to.
Anyway...a couple more days of feeling like a jerk and then I know I will get over it. It was a month of my life and other than these past few days, I had a great time getting to know someone who I hope was reasonably legit. I’m sorry I never got to find out but all things happen for a reason and maybe in this case there is a good one. I will have faith that what is meant to be will be.
(((HUGS))) to all.
PS. The VRcade was sooooo much fun!!! I highly recommend it. The zombie killing game was awesome once I figured out how to move and change guns. It was multiplayer so I was basically in this site with my twins and SD20. We had to work as a team to try to stop the zombies from killing us. I have to admit...my S12 was a rock star. He was all over the place kicking butt. The rest of us did pretty well too until the unfortunate incident when D12 thought she should try to throw a grenade. That left S12 on his own as she killed herself and me and SD20. It was hilarious. I also got a chance to do Google Earth and virtually visit a few cool places in the world. Also did some fruit ninja with a big sword. Anyway... GREAT time!!! Laughed A LOT!!!
Almost through my first week of vacation. Definitely not how I was expecting it to go but I’ve been able to get out and have some fun with my kids so that’s been great. Yesterday was a road trip to Victoria to drop off SD20 at her mom’s where she is house sitting for the next week. D12 came along for the drive. It was fun to have her company on the way home and we had a nice chat and got in some good mommy-daughter time. Then last night was my hockey team’s first play-off game and we won!!! Go Canucks go!!!
Still really bothered by everything that happened with TDH as much as I tell myself to let it go and move on. Listened to a podcast on the way to Vic yesterday that had a scientist on talking about fear and the biological forces at work when we experience it. I knew a lot of it already but man, it was like I was hearing it for the first time in a lot of ways. It explained so much about what happened to me on Saturday. She talked about learning to recognize when you are getting emotional/angry and then identifying the underlying fear and how sometimes just doing that is enough to bring you out of it. I thought a lot about the situation from last week and identified two fears that I have that I think were behind a lot of my upset...
1. The fear that I’m unloveable and not good enough, and;
2. The related fear that because of #1, I will spend the rest of my life alone.
Just reading those words makes me anxious. I mean, where did those fears even come from? I had a great childhood. Not to say that a couple of crappy things didn’t happen to me but I had two wonderful parents who loved me unconditionally and I really wanted for nothing. I should be the most confident person in the world but I’m not...not when it comes to intimate relationships. I see now that I have so much work to do when it comes to that. Matching up my inner world to my outer world. It is just so, so hard...
Well my friends...there may be some hope yet. TDH just texted me. Said he has tried to text me a million times and deleted them all. So settled with... “I’m really sorry.” Told him to call me. I’m done with texting. Gets me into too much trouble. Yay!!!
OMG!!! Forget what I said about TDH. Full on A$$hole!!! WTF?!? I am a magnet for dishonest creeps!!! After his ten “I’m soooo sorry’s” today and he missed me, blah,blah,blah... I get a text at 1:30 in the morning that wakes me up. Another sorry and then....”I have lots to say” and then... “I’m with someone though”. Huh? What do you mean? Dating 11 months and she’s been staying with me for a couple weeks and “I don’t want to mess with her anymore.” What?!?! Mess with her?!? This guy literally cried on the phone telling me about his dead father and tells me it’s because he “has a big heart”. Told me how he just wanted to be by my side and that he felt terrible when I said I was being the “fifth wheel” again because he hated the idea of that. Asked to talk to my sister and actually talked to her!!!
It’s not like he was love bombing me by text but also on the phone. Sent me pictures of his kids. Sent me random “I’m thinking of you” texts throughout the day. Talked about all kinds of things. Said he was falling in love with me, the person. What is WRONG with people?!? I am literally laughing right now because I can hardly believe it. He was SO sincere. So after dropping this bomb, when I ask him what the heck he was thinking and why would he do this, he’s like...”Ur cute and all but it’s not like we were serious.” “It is what it is...I got distracted.” So I ask, were you ever going to come over or was it just a game? “Nope. See ya.” What?!?
Well... at least he didn’t ghost me cause I would still be beating myself up for sending him that irritated text. If I had really known what was going on, it would have been more than just irritated. The guy gave me a shopping list!!!!
So you called it KML. I don’t know...maybe I am just not cut out for online dating. There are just so many creeps out there!!!
D,
So yeah lot of lessons learned here that go in line with DB. Zero expectations and actions not words. Remember DB is for life. OLD is not for the timid that’s for sure. Can’t imagine being a woman and OLDing.
Consider yourself lucky that you dodged a bullet. You were ready to spend the night with a nut job.
Damn, that’s just crazy. At least you do have some good learning lessons from this. As a few people said earlier, when someone comes on that strong in the beginning it’s usually a red flag. It’s a good cue to keep the expectations low. I know, easier said that done.
And he ruined my good night’s sleep too. Now I’m wide awake and it is 5:00 a.m. So stupid that I gave this person so much space in my brain and sadly, my heart. He was just so convincing. Texting is one thing but when you talk to someone that much... he just seemed so genuine. He said things like... “when you meet my kids”...”I guess we will just miss each other until I move over there.” “I’m stubborn. I’m going to make you mad.” “My kids come first but I want to be there for you.” “I don’t want to stop talking. I can’t stop thinking about you.” Everything he said was so future oriented too... like it was just going to happen. What makes someone do something like that? Is it just an ego boost? What’s the end game? To totally trash a really good human being?
Meanwhile he’s in a relationship with someone and he thinks he was messing with her?? She is oblivious. I’m the one he was messing with.
Gawd I hate these lessons...lol. LH...you are right though. I dodged a huge bullet there. The one thing I am grateful for is that he got back in touch and came clean, so to speak. So at least I know it wasn’t anything to do with me. Who knows? Maybe there was a small part of him that felt bad about it cause he could have easily ghosted me. He hadn’t heard from me in over a week. But man he was cold about it. He was all...sorry, sorry, sorry and then I questioned him and he got super defensive and just downplayed everything...like I made it all up. Seriously...people should come with warning labels!!!
He said things like... “when you meet my kids”...”I guess we will just miss each other until I move over there.” “
You see a D a normal confident man is never going to say things like this before he meets you. He is not gonna force his way into your future. He is going to wait until he meets you to see if your a good fit for him and his life.
Everything he said was so future oriented too... like it was just going to happen. What makes someone do something like that? Is it just an ego boost? What’s the end game? To totally trash a really good human being?
Maybe an ego boost. Lots on insecurity and instability.
Meanwhile he’s in a relationship with someone and he thinks he was messing with her?? She is oblivious. I’m the one he was messing with.
He's messing with both of you.
LH...you are right though.
I may not always be right but I am never wrong lol. Ginger loves when I say that lol.
People should come with warning labels!!!
Actually they do. Just not as straight forward as you would like them to be. You have to decipher it but you will in time.
I want to start this post by saying I’m truly sorry this happened to you. LH is right ( because he’s never wrong, lol) this experience is LOADED with lessons. And if we learn from these lessons, your experiences going forward will be so much better. You are a successful beautiful woman.
Yesterday when you posted he responded and got all excited, I wanted to tell you “ he’s got something big he’s hiding” I didn’t want to be that person though, and I figured the truth would reveal itself. But as an outsider, I was able to see this from miles away. The red flags were waving so blatantly. Which is hard to see when people are making you feel good.
1) any guy you have never met in person and haven’t been talking to for long who talks about the future, mentions love, and is over over over the top, is not normal . That is not a healthy adult male who make a good partner. They are either hiding something huge, are catfishers or are not in touch with reality. Interest is great. Getting excited to see someone is great. Looking forward to the next date. That’s healthy great beginning stuff! His over the top love bombing and promising without having met him.... not healthy by a long shot .
I say this in a loving way. I think you should explore why you trusted him so much not knowing him. What part of you wanted to believe this over the top person you never met was truthful or healthy? I understand how good it feels when someone is all about you..... it feels great.... but I’m my experience 99% of the time there is something very unhealthy about that person. When people say exactly what we want to hear..... they are often covering up for something we don’t want hear. And I might explore why you believed it all and your expectations were so high?
You dodged a bullet. You were about to invite a stranger into your home for your weekend. Where your kids and MIL live. God forbid his GF found out and came to hunt him down?!
I can see you have a fulfilling dating life and make OLD work for you as long as you recognize what healthy dating looks like. You just cannot trust someone 100% blindly that you don’t know. It takes time for people to reveal their true selves. So go on a coffee date, , dinner date. A fun activity. Stay in contact, but not constant. I can see you rocking this dating thing ! You have everything going for you . You just have to believe that
Thanks LH. Yeah...that was my thought too. An ego boost...insecurity. Still soooo strange though. I don’t think I will ever fully understand this kind of behaviour which is why I’m the LBS and not the WAS, I suppose. Some people are just broken inside. I’m really trying very hard not to be but man the hits keep coming. I just keep telling myself that all of these detours in my life will eventually lead me home.
Well...did NOT expect this. Was sitting in my room and my phone pinged. It’s TDH... “How’s things?” Super casual. I’ll bite. Me: Been better. TDH: What’s happening? Me: Had some time to process. Thanks for not ghosting me and letting me think everything was my fault.” TDH: “Huh?” Me: Uhhh..what’s going on? [Cause I’m thinking this is strange considering our exchange the night before.” TDH: “I’m hoping that’s not the impression I left you with?” Me: What? TDH: “Sorry. Just re-read that. It’s my fault 100%. You’re only guilty of being cute.” Me: You really hurt me TDH. You may have not been serious, but I was.” And then my phone rings so I pick up and it’s him...acting all casual. Anyway...long story short...it becomes pretty clear that he and I are talking about two different things when he starts talking about his son and that he believes in a “no lie” household so he had told his son he was going to Nanaimo to see a girl and his son lost it thinking he was moving since he knows that’s where his dad wants to move. So I say...”no lie household” and you told him you were coming here to see me? Doesn’t he know you have a girlfriend? TDH: “What? What girlfriend?” So I said “the one you told me about last night when you texted me to dump me.” He says, “What are you talking about? The last text I sent you said that I had lots of things to talk about.” Yes...and then two hours later at 1:30, you sent me a text about your girlfriend. He then says that he decided to camp out in his backyard tent (too hot inside) at 11:30 and that he had had a couple of friends over to watch the hockey game and they had had some drinks and were still sitting around the fire when he fell asleep. So...we figured out that it wasn’t him texting me but his drunk idiot friends. And because we use WhatsApp to talk, when they blocked me, all of the messages were lost. He said he couldn’t figure out why I was blocked and had to search for me to unblock me (luckily I hadn’t blocked him yet) so when he sent me a text, he could didn’t see what had been written before. Anyway..he asked me to send him screen shots of the messages that were sent. He was pretty mad. Says he is 100% looking forward to seeing me and there is no one else. He is hoping that once we meet, the job of girlfriend will be mine. So...crazy... he was really apologetic...said if we ever going to break up with me, he would call me since he is not a teenager. Can’t say the same for his friends and actually when I look at the texts, they are very different from the norm. He uses capitals, full sentences and punctuation. These texts have all kinds of abbreviations and no punctuation. Anyway...life is interesting. TDH and I are going to have a proper, non-overnight date on Thursday like we should have all along. Wish me luck.
OMG VU!
Please run, run as fast as you can! The flags are waving all over the place . Please move on. Both f about him has seemed healthy or truthful so far. It’s a good time to cut your loses
Please.
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Sorry, guys do NOT do that stuff - that was a GIRLFRIEND who messed with his phone, not his guy friends. Honest.
he just seemed so genuine. He said things like... “when you meet my kids”...”I guess we will just miss each other until I move over there.” “I’m stubborn. I’m going to make you mad.” “My kids come first but I want to be there for you.” “I don’t want to stop talking. I can’t stop thinking about you.” Everything he said was so future oriented too... like it was just going to happen
This stuff right here - HUGE red flags! Honestly, no normal healthy adult male does this when he has only talked to you on the phone. They might say they think you're sexy and want to jump in the sack with you, but this other stuff? Nope.
And EVEN if you believe his bogus story about his friends messing with his phone (NOT TRUE!) it doesn't excuse his previous lack of communication, not one bit.
This is how guys who are bigamists or who marry women to steal their money get away with it - because we women were raised on such fairytales that we can't see what's wrong with this situation. RUN!!!!
Or at least, if you insist on meeting him, don't let him in your house, meet him at a neutral third location and keep your car wherever you go. Do some reconnaissance online first - check criminal databases, etc. See if you can check out parts of his story (did he really graduate from that college he claimed? Does his age check out? ID? It's amazing what you can find online. If he doesn't show up on FB that's also a potential red flag - guys who are juggling multiple women don't like to be on FB).
OMG!!! Forget what I said about TDH. Full on A$$hole!!! WTF?!?
GIRL! You JUST posted this yesterday and now you are already back to having a date with this dude because he called you with some lame a$$, clearly made up excuse about the stuff from the night before. Are you kidding me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? You should run far and fast from this one. He's a snake with a capital S. Listen, I get it...it is nice to feel wanted and desired and saying all those things he says really can get in a woman's head, but everyone who has commented before me is right. "Normal" (whatever the h3ll THAT is anymore) men do NOT do what TDH has been doing. And, you say he says things like he believes in a "no lie household" and that if he were going to break up with you he would have done it over the phone because he's an adult, but then he blames the whole girlfriend conversation on his drunk friends? Now, seriously, DV, does that sound in any way adult-like? To me it screams user and manipulator. I mean, think about it. He got you all excited saying all these wonderful, flowery things and then gave you a list and had you spend money, only to blow you off at the last minute and then continue to hold you at arm's length while you just kept chasing. Again, I get how intoxicating the words can be, but you are a smart, beautiful, strong woman and you deserve better treatment that what he has already given you. Actions speak louder than words, my friend, and his actions have been p!ss-poor. He's a master at the word part, but he has yet to actually follow through.
I agree with kml's assessment that men just don't do what he is saying his friends did. I mean, yeah, men may give each other crap, but grown men are not going to take someone's phone and message you the way "they" did, even if they are drunk. And, what kind of man has drunken camp-outs in his back yard with his friends any way? Doesn't that seem a little frat party-like to you? I'm all for sleeping under the stars and having a few drinks with friends and maybe even doing both, but I'm not having a big drunken rager where I pass out on any given weeknight.
I don't know if he has a girlfriend or not. Kml may be right that it was a girlfriend who sent you messages. I suspect it was him all along, though, and he was/is just testing you to see what he can get by with. He got you with his words and then when he was tired of "messing with you", he came up with the lame story about the girlfriend. And, while I'm going down this road, in his story (or whoever's story, depending on who you believe actually told it), he's been involved with this mystery girlfriend for awhile and she's been staying with him but now he's done "messing with her". Did that one little detail in and of itself not wave some huge red flags for you about what type of guy he really is? I mean, he is the one who claimed to be an adult, but if you are an adult and in a relationship and you want out, you have an HONEST conversation with that person, not cheat on her and tell others you are done "messing with her". Is that how YOU would want to be treated? Anyway, then when you kept the communication open, he decided he'd try again and he'd have to cover his tracks and he came up with that lame story about his friends doing it.
I swear I am NOT a conspiracy theorist, but this whole thing just reeks of a guy who is used to using and manipulating women and getting his way. I don't know where Nanaimo is, but it just makes me want to load up and drive up there and kick his a$$ for you because you absolutely deserve better. He's a player. Break the date, block him from all communication and MOVE ON!
Oh and I should've started my post like G, but I got a little caught up in my own way. I'm so sorry all of this happened to you and is still happening. (((((DV))))) My thoughts and prayers are with you, but seriously, girl....RUN!
Thanks for your opinions everyone. I’ve been talking to him for quite awhile. I know what someone sounds like when they have no clue what is going on. I’m going to meet him and decide for myself the way I should have done weeks ago. I’ll let you know how it goes.
DV ... girl. watch your back, your front and every other part of you
xoxo
Thanks for your opinions everyone. I’ve been talking to him for quite awhile. I know what someone sounds like when they have no clue what is going on. I’m going to meet him and decide for myself the way I should have done weeks ago. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Unbelievable! I don’t ever want to see anyone get used or hurt but when red flags are shooting off everywhere you can’t help but see them yet you proceed anyway, you deserve what you get. I’m sorry you have been hurt or damaged so badly that you feel a man like this is all that you deserve. Nothing we say is going to change your mind so why bother. This is way above our pay grade and you need more help than a message board can provide. This screams of college or high school antics. This behavior should have been outgrown 25 years ago yet here you both are. I feel bad for you and hope you can dig deep into why you are allowing yourself to be treated like this. Once again, THIS ^^^^^^^^^^ is what too often is found on OLD - on both sides. Maybe you guys are a match. Sad.
Girlfriend - PLEASE google the heck out of this guy. Where he lives, who else lives there, marriage records, criminal records, whatever. I'm guessing you'll find something hidden. Like a wife. Or a girlfriend. Or worse.
And if you do go ahead with him -DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM until you have met his friends! You need some outside vetting of this guy.
A big fat huge a$$ YES to everything that G, bttrfly, kml, LH, fogg, and DonH (and anyone else I might have missed)said. If nothing else, PLEASE go back and read your own posts about this guy. I think Don is right that you are going to do what you want regardless of what any of us say, but I'm seriously worried for you in this situation. You believed him enough that you were angry about his admission of a girlfriend, but now you say you have talked to him for awhile and you know when someone truly doesn't know what is going on. I beg you....IMPLORE YOU....go back and read your own statements and rethink this. Sane, "normal" people just don't do stuff like this.
Let me tell you a story. Years ago, when I was young and dumb, I met a man online and we developed a relationship over the phone before we ever met in person, because of the distance between us. I ignored red flags and met him in person anyway and it was a sh!t show, so I cut my losses and moved on. I was down, lonely, in that "oh my God, my biological clock is ticking" phase that so many women go through and I happened across another man online who was from a nearby town. We talked, had a lot in common and he would say the kindest things. He was honest, as far as I knew, about his past and his previous relationship (he was divorced and had children with the XW). We shared texts and phone calls for probably longer than we should have before we met in person and that gave him the chance to really talk a big game, much like your TDH did. I got sucked in by it and went out with him a few times and everything seemed normal enough. He was cute, had a job, was involved in his kids' lives despite not being with their mom. But, when I started doing a little digging, he unraveled. His XW was psycho and she started calling me at all hours of the day and night and I found out that he'd been living with her, despite his telling me he was living somewhere else and he even took me to another house that I THOUGHT he had been living in. He had basically latched onto me because I made good money at that time, owned a house in a nice small town, had a nice truck that was paid for, and he thought his sweet talk was going to earn him a key to my door and a permanent spot in my bed. He started "innocently" enough, just like your TDH, telling me he had always wanted to move to my area and then less subtly just basically asking me if he could move in because his "roommate" was ready for him to go. There was a lot of crap that went down after that, but I ran far and fast and he still tried to contact me, ask me out, showed up at my house until I finally told him if he didn't get the f*^&*(&*(& away from me I was calling the cops and then I was going to blow his a$$ off my front porch with a shot gun while we were waiting for the cops to arrive. Because he had met my dad and brother and knew I owned a shot gun, apparently he was fairly convinced I was serious.
DejaVu, I tell that story to say I have been in your shoes. I have been lost and lonely and wanted love so badly that I fell for someone who knew how to talk a good game. Ironically, what you said in your last comment about knowing him for awhile and knowing he didn't know something, I would have said the same thing about the one I dealt with. I would've sworn up and down that I knew him so well and that stuff that was right in front of my face just couldn't be. He could have told me that very same bull stuff story about his drunk friends stealing his phone (though he probably would've actually said it was his crazy XW) and I would've bought it hook, line and sinker, but he was a user and a manipulator. I'm afraid that your TDH is too and I'm so afraid and worried that you are going to be taken for a ride on this deal. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE go back and read your recent posts and think about this.
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Sorry, guys do NOT do that stuff - that was a GIRLFRIEND who messed with his phone, not his guy friends. Honest.
he just seemed so genuine. He said things like... “when you meet my kids”...”I guess we will just miss each other until I move over there.” “I’m stubborn. I’m going to make you mad.” “My kids come first but I want to be there for you.” “I don’t want to stop talking. I can’t stop thinking about you.” Everything he said was so future oriented too... like it was just going to happen
This stuff right here - HUGE red flags! Honestly, no normal healthy adult male does this when he has only talked to you on the phone. They might say they think you're sexy and want to jump in the sack with you, but this other stuff? Nope.
And EVEN if you believe his bogus story about his friends messing with his phone (NOT TRUE!) it doesn't excuse his previous lack of communication, not one bit.
This is how guys who are bigamists or who marry women to steal their money get away with it - because we women were raised on such fairytales that we can't see what's wrong with this situation. RUN!!!!
Or at least, if you insist on meeting him, don't let him in your house, meet him at a neutral third location and keep your car wherever you go. Do some reconnaissance online first - check criminal databases, etc. See if you can check out parts of his story (did he really graduate from that college he claimed? Does his age check out? ID? It's amazing what you can find online. If he doesn't show up on FB that's also a potential red flag - guys who are juggling multiple women don't like to be on FB).
I'm thinking it was either a gf or one of his kids ...
absolutely check him out online. The first guy I had coffee with (first date in 27 years) claimed he was coming from one specific town. I checked online - he owned a home several towns over and it was being foreclosed on.