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Hitting My Stride IIII

Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/14/20 02:46 PM

Link to old:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2885511#Post2885511

Good news is that the Doc's husband is up, sitting up, doing some physical therapy and has responded well to the larger pump they put in.

He is now being evaluated for a heart transplant as the pump only lasts for 14 days I guess. It sounds like he is making progress but has long road ahead of him.

Dinner tonight with the Doc and a sleep over. My girls have games tomorrow morning and then tomorrow afternoon the Doc and I are heading out to her ranch to drink, grill out and shoot guns.

My oldest is out of town today on a choir trip and is currently in route via a Greyhound bus. They left at 5 am this morning and get back at 11 pm tonight. She was so jacked up last night that she only got 4 hours of sleep which meant I only got 4 hours as well. This is the first time she has been away from me or the X with this type of distance between. Needless to say she has been blowing up my phone all morning.

I bought her some fake air pods for the trip. You would have thought they were real. Good thing, as she already lost one on the bus...Ö.SMH I told her to look around on the floor.
Posted By: kml

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/14/20 03:58 PM

One of my lifelong best friends had one of those pumps (Impella) implanted when his heart failure suddenly worsened. He was in the hospital for about six weeks with it (yeah, I know theyíre only supposed to use them for 14 days, but what are you gonna do, remove it and let them die? Take the risk of replacing it? ) Anyway, he survived on it long enough for a donor heart to become available (a miracle , really, as heís African American and type O blood - hard to find a match). Itís now been a year and a half, heís doing great, and has been able to enjoy his first grandchild who was born right before he went into the hospital.

Sign your organ donor cards folks.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/14/20 04:08 PM

WOW, that's awesome! That is what he has as well, I just couldn't remember the name smile

Right, I assume he will have that in until he dies or they find a donor. I also don't think he will be leaving the hospital either until he has a new heart or is dead.

The Doc is getting updates from his girlfriend and it sounds like he is knee deep in praying to god and reading the bible. I assume a near death experience will do a lot to a person when they realize how close they were to dying. Hopefully it will change him for the better as his son really loves his dad!
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/14/20 04:16 PM

Itís an LVAD, a left ventricular assist device. It is the bridge to a heart transplant . He can very well go home with that! People are out in the community all the time with it. I hope everything turns out well.

Have fun shooting and drinking! My kind of weekend!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/14/20 06:24 PM

WOW....I didn't realize that. I have the same hope as well!

HAHA.....well just to be safe we shoot first then drink!
Posted By: kml

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/14/20 07:40 PM

The Impella was a device that he had to stay in the hospital with, so my friend was in the hospital for 6 weeks waiting for a heart.
Posted By: DonH

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/14/20 11:13 PM

I think we may be confusing devices here. LVADs can go much longer than 14 days. in fact, here's some quick survival stats from one study:

LVAD implantation, survival at 30 days was 94%, at 1 year 78%, at 2 year 71%, and at 4 years 45%

Patients can live a somewhat normal life outside the hospital with battery backup as they wait for a transplant.

The Impella Heart Pump on the other hand is a more short-term bridge - that is more primary to pumping versus an "assist" to the heart with low injection fraction.

The FDA has approved use of Impella for 6 hours, but current data has revealed off-label use in patients for a variable duration, ranging from a few hours to an average of 12 days, with the longest recorded duration at 35 days in a single documented case.

Sadly, transplant is often the ultimate "fix" in these cases. On the plus side, if the deadly opioid epidemic has brought us anything good, with about 150 people dying everyday, there are more donors these days than ever before - and many are healthy as they are young overdose victims who stop breathing, become brain dead, but are resuscitated and kept on a vent until they can become a donor. (as long as they don't have Hep C, etc.)

Hopefully if his heart is permanently damaged a donor can be found quickly.
Posted By: kml

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/15/20 01:36 AM

Wow - if :35 days is the record that might be my friend! It was way longer than 14 days.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/15/20 01:12 PM

I found out from the doc that he has an impella
Posted By: kml

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/15/20 04:15 PM

Yeah - heís likely waiting for a transplant now. Scary.
Posted By: DonH

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/15/20 07:10 PM

Originally Posted by kml
Wow - if :35 days is the record that might be my friend! It was way longer than 14 days.

After I looked at the date, and I know better and should have looked right away, but still, that study/report is now 5 years old already so undoubtedly things have progressed. I just mostly wanted to clarify that this didnít sound like an LVAD as Ginger commented. Honestly I wish it was an LVAD as heíd have more time that way. What we donít know is does he have permanent heart damage or something going on that he just needs to buy some time until his organs start functioning again and take the load off the heart. For the non medical folks among us the Impella is a short term full pump device that pretty much takes over the hearts job of circulating blood while the Left Ventricular Assist Device (LVAD) assists the main chamber of the heart in circulating blood - one takes over for days to weeks, the other assists for months to years.

He could still have a good outcome here. Heís just very sick and in need of a new heart (based on what youíve told us) this clearly ups things for you J but these are the real life things that help to define if this R will survive and should move to M. Dates and fun are part of it but real life happens and itís that stress that can really refine an R.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/16/20 11:56 PM

He is currently being evaluated for a heart transplant. From I understand he met with the transplant team on Friday and will find out by the end of this week.

The Doc and I had a good weekend with Valentines Day on Friday and then out to her ranch yesterday. Tomorrow there is no school so I will have my girls and her son.

Interesting developments with the XW today. We were talking at my youngest daughters soccer practice and it looks like I am going to get to meet her BF on Sunday. We have a mutual family friend that is having a birthday party next week and she really wants us both to go. Usually whoever has the girls is the one that gets the invite but she would really like us to both be able to attend when something like this happens in the future. So today at practice my X and I got on the topic, brought up by her, and it appears that it was my XW that has been nervous about me meeting her BF.

As we were talking she was doing a lot of justification and talking about him ways where it felt like she was wanting my approval. She was really concerned about how I felt about him and I have no idea why as I have never met him or had any conversations with her about him. As long as he is good to my girls I really could care less. Not sure why she felt the need to justify him to me, what his job was, the cars he drives, etc. It just felt kind of odd. Additionally, as we were talking to one of the other soccer parents, she made a comment to the lady about how I am her XH. Then after the lady walked off she apologized for it to me. It was just wierd.

Anyway, I have no problem meeting him, feel as though I am in a really good place (at least I hope I am), and truthfully could really care less. Maybe it would be good for my girls to see me interact with him as well I have no problems being civil, cordial, polite and respectful for the sake of my girls. I am smart enough to put my kids first and would never do or say anything to make them feel awkward.

I told the Doc all this and we thought maybe she could meet my X at one of my daughters soccer games. The X was asking a lot of questions about her today as well.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/19/20 12:03 PM

Not much to report this week. Docs xh got transferred to a different hospital as his liver wasnt recovering so he still has a long road to cover. I had her son on Monday as their was no school and we have now got to the point to where I have him and my girls if we are off. It saves her over 100 bucks in babysitting money which means a ton to her as she is extremely frugal.

XW still acting wierd, not returning text messages, not responding to my emails, forgetting when I gave her cs money, losing my daughters soccer gear, etc. She seems to have got much worse with keeping things straight. It really feels that I am the glue holding all of this together with money, kids, etc.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/19/20 02:23 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
It really feels that I am the glue holding all of this together with money, kids, etc.
You probably always were but because nothing fell apart you never noticed.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/19/20 02:37 PM

Excellent point my man!
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/19/20 03:46 PM

Totally agree with Andrew. You were always the glue and now that she decided to be "unstuck" from you (so to speak), you are seeing the results of what happens when she is left unsupervised. One would think surely an adult could get it together, particularly where her kids are concerned, but sadly, that just doesn't seem to be the way for some women. There are women who always rely on having a man to be their safety net and it sounds like your XW was one of those. I think someone else pointed out awhile back that she likely feels threatened that you seem to have traded up from her to the doc, but that is her problem to deal with, not yours. You clearly have done the work to be a better partner and you are continuing to do the work to show that to the doc. Just my personal opinion as a totally outside observer who only hears one side of the story, but it sounds to me like XW is spiraling a bit because she is realizing what she gave up and what the doc gained.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/19/20 04:58 PM

Makes since D-money, looking back I did a ton. She really had it on easy street.

The Doc made a statement to me about how my XW's loss is her gain.

I am sure she is struggling but all my interactions are about my girls. This is not tough stuff we are talking about. For example, I sent her a text yesterday that was exactly this

"GM......can you check to see if you have our daughters soccer cleats and chin guards? I can't find them..thanks!"

No response, I had to email her 2 more times and then she responded. I needed to know because she had practice last night and if she couldn't find them I needed to go get her a new pair of shoes and replace her chin guards. Which I ended up doing.

Anyways, I am beyond frustrated. You would think she would not want the Doc to see her behavior.

I know she has been looking the doc up as she made a comment about knowing where her office is. There is only one way you know that information.

She turned me loose what did she think was going to happen. Regardless, this is about our girls, and operating in their best interests.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/19/20 07:09 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
The Doc made a statement to me about how my XW's loss is her gain.
When S asks me "where have you been all my life" I answer "in training" laugh
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/23/20 09:50 PM

LOL.....thats funny.

So I need some advice. I was not able to meet my xws BF today. We have a mutual friend that is having a borthday party on Thursday. I was invited even though i dont have my girls. Usually whoever has the girls gets the invite. The Doc knows about the party and when I was talking to my XW today she didnt voice any concerns about me attending and I was going to bring the Doc so they could meet. My XWs BF is working and can't go. I dont want it to be awkward but at the same time if I go and don't bring the Doc I know she will be mad. Does anyone see any reason why I shouldn't go and bring the doc? The xw has been dating her bf for more than 2 years so I can't imagine she really caring.I guess its something I shouldn't worry about. Thoughts?
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/23/20 10:00 PM

bring the doc. go. ex's reaction is hers to own.

xo
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/23/20 11:30 PM

J,

Yeah I agree to bring the Doc. Not your fault that the BF has to work. Plus your ex is the one who wanted D. I think that makes a difference.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/23/20 11:38 PM

I concur
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/24/20 01:17 PM

Thanks all, plans are set in motion. It feels kind of wierd but I guess it's part of the process.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/25/20 03:14 PM

The Doc is confirmed going to the birthday party on Thursday and she is actually going to bake the birthday cake. One of her hobbies is baking and she actually makes really good cakes/cupcakes and has really elaborate decorating skills, etc. She buys high end ingredients, etc. and actually takes her baking to other doctor's offices when she goes marketing to the primary care physicians. She hones her skills when she was going through her divorce as an outlet to get her mind off of things.

I am still a little nervous about her and my X meeting. I guess it will just feel a little weird. The Doc is very touchy feeling, is always wanting to sit by me, touch me, hold my hand, rub my leg, my back, my arms, etc etc. I just don't want it to be portrayed as her trying to rub it into my XW's face or me trying to either. I honestly really don't care what the XW thinks but knowing that I have to co-parent with her for the next 10 years sits in the back of my mind. I also don't want the Doc to feel like I am not with her either. I hope that makes sense.

Our R continues to progress at a steady pace, neither one of us pressuring the other. I now spend about 4 to 5 nights a week at her place during the weeks that I don't have my girls. I used to just go over and HHH for a couple of hours and then go home to my place and sleep. She now has me spending the night, being at her place before her son goes to bed and is now ok with her son waking up and me being there. Before I would always go over after he went to sleep. She very rarely spends the night at my place so when it is my week to have the girls we won't see each other at all during the week.

Her XH being in ICU still has obviously hurt our free time together as she now has her son full time. Her mom lives close though and she will at least take him one night on the weekends so we can have a date night.

I have also started to spend more time with her son as well. When I have my girls and there is no school he has now started to spend the days with us, hanging out and playing. It is good for him as he gets to play with other kids, it's good for the Doc so she doesn't have to spend money on sitters and make arrangements for his care and it is good for the kids so they can continue to get comfortable with each other.

The topic of marriage comes up every now and then. The other day the doc said she was in no rush, for my part I am not either. Quite honestly it really overwhelms me thinking about it. Neither one of us need each other for anything which helps us not pressure each other. There are times I wish I could see her more but at the cost of rushing into marriage, etc it's just not worth it. Yes, there would be financial benefits to it, really for the both of us but it's just not enough at this point to force something to happen.

She just makes me feel really comfortable, I don't emotionally feel out of sorts, I find myself being very even keel and not sacrificing myself or the needs of my daughters to be with her or make something happen. I have had some general conversations with my girls about the Doc as it regards to our future, moving forward. I told them some day we could be moving and my youngest got a little upset as we live in the house she was born in. However that quickly faded when I told them that maybe our next house would have a pool smile
Posted By: doodler

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/25/20 04:02 PM

TBSakaJ9,

Your life seems to be moving along exceptionally well. You've taken the time to build a wonderful relationship and you're making really good decisions. What the h3ll is wrong with you? We come here for entertainment and you deliver normalcy. You need to step up to the plate bucko and start screwing the pooch. This is completely unacceptable.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/25/20 05:01 PM

I don't get the sense that the doc is a rub it in her face kind of lady so I imagine you are safe there. I'm a much more physically affectionate person than Sparky and I'm constantly touching him as the doc does you, but it isn't about putting it in someone's face. It is about him. I get what you mean about it being awkward though. I met my XH's current wife (and affair partner) at our youngest daughter's wedding. Talk about awkward! He has yet to meet Sparky but I'll have to introduce them at some point when he moves back to this area because we'll all be around the grandkids.

Doodler is on a roll today, but for once, I do not agree with him. Keep on keeping on with the normalcy!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 12:41 PM

Thanks guys, I know it will get easier after the first meeting.

I saw my oldest last night at soccer practice and she had a complete meltdown on the way home as I was talking her to her moms place. What started off as her being upset with something that happened at practice ended up with her telling me she did not do good on a math test and was afraid that her moms bf was going to yell at her. I then followed up and asked her what happened and she said I didn't know what 9x7 was and he told me I should know that.

I told my xw what she said and the x came back to let me know it was not a big deal and explained to me what happened. I guess I just have to trust her as there is not much I can do. It also sounds like to me she is allowing him to actively help her raise them. Imo he is just a bf and shouldn't be in that position, a position of doing something to make my daughter feel a certain way.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 12:56 PM

Thatís the bs I fuching hate and would be tempted to go over there and drag his a$$ outside and set things straight.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 12:58 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I told my xw what she said and the x came back to let me know it was not a big deal and explained to me what happened. I guess I just have to trust her as there is not much I can do. It also sounds like to me she is allowing him to actively help her raise them. Imo he is just a bf and shouldn't be in that position, a position of doing something to make my daughter feel a certain way.

If I heard something like that from my sons I'd be livid (as in really freakin' p*ssed off). I wouldn't be talking to my XW, I'd be talking to the BF and he'd d@mn well understand the consequences if it ever happened again. But, that just me.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 01:03 PM

The doc talked me off the ledge but there is literally nothing I can do and if I did something like that I wouldn't want to make it worse for my daughters. My xw is turning into her mother and I can only hope she is not as bad.

Maybe she didn't want to disappoint him. My daughters never talk about him to me and when it is their time to go to their moms they never complain about it. The only thing that they have said is that they get tired of eating chicken
Posted By: doodler

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 01:11 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
The doc talked me off the ledge but there is literally nothing I can do and if I did something like that I wouldn't want to make it worse for my daughters.

Yeah, well that doesn't help me; I'm still p*ssed. It only takes a couple minutes alone with the BF to set the expectations really high.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 01:14 PM

My thought process is that if he hates me it will make it worse on my girls. Not that I want to be buddies with him but outside of touching or hitting what can I do?
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 01:36 PM

J,

Doc is a wise woman. You donít want to make things worse. The thing is I could actually use a break from the cold and could fly down and just happen to bump into him in the parking lot.

One thing I will say, I totally respect WWs who wait until their kids are out of the house to leave.
Posted By: Maika

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 01:51 PM

This behavior by ex's bf is not acceptable. That would really pi$$ me off and I would have choice words with exW about it. I wouldn't talk to the bf yet, but this is the first strike. And in my world you get 2 chances and then I'm in your face.

Again, I'd be totally calm about it but tell exW what your expectations are and that no one is allowed to yell at your kids like that. That kind of behavior will negatively impact the girls. It already is.

No need to start a fight here, but don't back down in what you see as inappropriate behavior.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 02:03 PM

I have the unpopular opinion of course.

But J- I imagine sometimes you need to do a little ďparentingĒ when you have the docs son all day, right?
And the really is you might have to speak up when you all move in together with the docs kid and she might have to do the same with yours.

Iím sorry your daughter felt as she did. It is harder to hear things like that from someone who isnít a parent.

I do think you know J that will be the reality with your new blended family. And the adjustment to the situation is very tough. I know my daughters stepmom has to be firm with her. Sometimes Iím sure it sounds worse to her than it was. But of course I would always be on high alert like you are paying attention to the signs of fear of going over there, etc. you are handling this the right way. And I know the reality of it stinks. And as a dad you want to pummel him. But understand you are kind of in the same position.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 02:39 PM

It didn't sound like to me he actually yelled at her however for some reason she was more concerned about him yelling than her own mom. My daughter just said that when she told him that she didn't know what 9x7 was he said you should know that. My guess is that made her feel stupid, she has dyslexia, so I am sure that comment was part of the trigger. If anything poor bedside manner on his part.

The difference G is when the Doc is around I do not interject with her son. For example, last Friday he started crying because he didn't want to get his picture taken with all of us when we were hanging out. My daughter made a comment to him, something along the lines of, "it's no big deal, it's just a picture". I had to jump in and let her know that it was not her place to intervene that it was between him and the Doc. Sure different story when I am 100% responsible for him but when the Doc is there, not my place. I am just concerned that my XW is just sitting by letting him run the show and she is happy to allow him to do so. He is also just a BF, not step-parent, but a BF.

The Doc's XH is also not involved which is different than having 50/50. If I was on the state visitation plan then it would probably be easier as I have already agreed to not be a full time parent (for whatever reason). Having 50/50 makes it worse IMO because you directly see what is or is not happening in the other house. You also have no control either. she could marry him tomorrow and it is what it is. From what I understand about him is that he is very strict, used to be a cop and sounds like he has little man syndrome (he is 5'6) and drives this jacked up jeep. I am really judging here I know but I sure hope is not arrogant and full of all the male bravado. Something tells me he is. His kids are older, 1 in college and 1 a senior in high school. One boy and 1 girl.

I told my XW what happened and what my daughter said. I will just have to observe moving forward and see how she behaves or what else comes out of her mouth about the BF. I won't ask them specifically about it but I will make sure that generically they know they can come to me with anything they want to discuss. The XW indicated it was no big deal and recalled the situation where it transpired. Word matter though so I hope she tells him what my daughter said and how it made her feel.

I don't want to be BFF's with the guy but it will be much better for my daughters if we can at minimum get a long and have the ability to BS with each other. I just don't have a lot of options and the options I do have are not good ones.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 03:04 PM

Iím going to echo what others have said. I think you did the right thing. You paid attention, talked to your XW and made her aware you are concerned about your daughterís view that there is yelling going on. My daughter has Dyslexia as well so that struck a chord with me. Keep the lines of communication open. If your kids start indicating they are fearful of XWís bf, that would be a time to do something. Have you met the bf? If not, you may want to do that soon. I wouldnít approach it with anger...that will only make him defensive. I would probably just ask him if he is aware that your daughters are worried about him yelling at them. Some people are just loud. I know my kids have accused me of yelling before when I definitely wasnít. What they were reacting to was the feeling of disappointing me. Anyway...this coparenting thing is difficult to say the least. At the end of the day, it is your XWís responsibility to protect your girls and to set the boundaries with her bf. Youíve done what you need to do...for now.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 03:18 PM

Well what I really wanted to do was go drag him out of the house and make him bite the curb! So far this is what I know.

1. He makes them eat their vegetables.
2. He is making them work on their table manners, ie. no elbows on the table.
3. They dislike eating chicken for every meal at their moms. I believe he is the one doing the cooking.
4. My daughter didn't want him to yell at her for her poor math score.
Posted By: Maika

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 04:13 PM

1 & 2 can be done in a loving caring way or in a dictatorial way.

3 - that $ucks. maybe buy him a recipe book or sign him up for a free cooking class wink

4 - that is a reasonable complaint. No one needs to be yelled at or made feel stupid and insignificant. If your daughter has dyslexia she already has a heightened sense of people thinking she's stupid. There is a productive caring way to approach it rather than saying she should know that.
Posted By: Maika

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 04:14 PM

I also echo that you should meet him.. it's been far too long and it's time to get this out of the way. he's in your kids lives on a constant basis and you should at least meet him once. I did that and it went fine. Don't have to do it again unless a problem comes up.
Posted By: DonH

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 05:20 PM

Originally Posted by LH19
Thatís the bs I fuching hate and would be tempted to go over there and drag his a$$ outside and set things straight.

Originally Posted by doodler
If I heard something like that from my sons I'd be livid (as in really freakin' p*ssed off). I wouldn't be talking to my XW, I'd be talking to the BF and he'd d@mn well understand the consequences if it ever happened again. But, that just me.

You guys have to be kidding. Over saying ďyou should know thatĒ which, Iím not sure the age but I think by 3rd grade I knew all my times tables. But seriously you want to go to war over ďyou should know thatĒ hell Iíd say that to a friends child I was interacting with. Or are we seriously trying to build another generation of snowflakes? Now if he berated her, told her she was stupid or something, Iím with you but this was not the case. You just donít want ANY guy interacting with your children. Well news flash itís going to happen and your proposed reactions will just make it worse.

I wonder what my step kids bio dad thinks of me. He may have thought he was rid of me 12 years ago and here I am still mentoring ďhisĒ kids. We have a great R. My stepdaughter has told many people over the years and now her husband reinforces how important I was in her life growing up - and still am. And yep, Iíll bet I said to her somewhere along the way, ďyou should know thatĒ and Iíll bet at the time she might not have liked it. Now she thanks me.

Iím not saying itís fun or easy or pleasant, but Iím betting this man has a very active role in her kids lives. After two years how could he not? She may even confide things in him. Iím sure she doesnít want to tell you that, and it looks like for good reason. And look at your role lately with doctors child. Yep, this guy likeky has the same type of interaction with your girls. Right? Or is this the first thoughts of that?

I know itís hard and if this is just the start of you guys coming to grips with this Iím going to go easy as I know itís hard to think about and embrace. But guys are going to take if nothing else mentoring roles with your kids after a year or more bring in their lives. BS you are doing the same. Be thankful he cares enough to want to be involved with her. It sux but itís very much part of D. Perhaps a new part you will have to come to grips with.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 05:36 PM

My reaction to her was to let my XW know what our daughter had said, and when my XW responded with what had transpired and that it was no big deal I sent her a text back with No worries, I just wanted you to know. What is wrong with my reaction? How would that reaction give her any pause to not tell me things? Yes, I was angry in the moment but did not say anything to my XW nor did I grill my daughter on why she felt like she felt.

Building a mentoring relationship or a R in general is one thing. I would hope the Doc's son would never go tell his mom that he was upset for fear that I might yell at him. Right or wrong he made my daughter feel a certain way. At minimum her mom needed to know.

Him saying that, combined with her being Dyslexic is not good word choice considering she is already very self-conscientious about it. It's actually kind of a dickish thing to say.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 05:37 PM

Yo DH if you have a minute google the word ďtemptedĒ. It is to have an urge or inclination. You can look those words up too.

Iím not going to lie, I have a pretty good inclination on what your step kids dad thinks of you.

Everybody handles things in their own way. And yeah, this $hit ainít easy. That I do need to come to grips with.
Posted By: DonH

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 06:31 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
What is wrong with my reaction? How would that reaction give her any pause to not tell me things.

I should do these longer posts from the desktop rather than iPad... that first paragraph was referencing the quotes and you were not part of that, although I think you thought it and if you had to be talked off the ledge... but in the end I think you are coming to grips with it. But that paragraph was not in direct response to your comments or actions

As others have said I think this elephant has been in the room far too long. I have to wonder if the stage didnít get set years ago when you told your ex W you didnít want to hear anything about her BF. I get it at the time and I think youíve evolved since then but they are all still operating in ďdonít tell dadĒ mode. Something also tells me as I think DejaVu or someone said, he likely didn't yell at all. I think your D wants to impress him and feels bad she disappointed him. Otherwise table manners, oh the horror, eat your vegetables, criminal! Lol. I mean, for sure you should be vigilant but it sounds like nothing to see here with the surface but if we go below the surface it comes down to first acknowledging and then just dealing with what is. Iíd hope your ex W would not allow her kids to be abused just to keep a man. I really just think she thinks you canít handle meeting him or dealing with him and mostly do not want to, so sheís avoiding it. Show her you can and will which I think starts with - what I told you 2 years ago no longer applies. You will never like the guy that in some ways has replaced you. Same goes for your ex and the doc. But itís beyond time to address it like adults. No confrontations, no dragging arses, no eating curbs, no testosterone rage, just adult interaction.

Not saying at all that this happened but all this is yet again why children should not be introduced to BFs or GFs before a minimum of 6 months. Does not apply here but very much does in general and this adds to why.

Iím just going to add, something tells me your daughter is going to do much better on her next math test. Letís see if Iím right.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 06:46 PM

Thank you for the clarification. I told her two weeks ago I was looking forward to meeting him. I thought I was going to get to this past Sunday however that didn't happen. I also thought I was going to get to tomorrow however he has to work.

Let me remind you that almost a year ago I told my XW that he was more than welcome to attend my daughters games, practices, birthday parties, etc. He has still not attended one event. I just assumed that if she wanted me to meet him she would have brought it up and made it happen.

When let her know he was perfectly welcome to attend the events she made a bunch of excuses and really didn't give me a direct answer as to why.
Posted By: DonH

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 07:29 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
When let her know he was perfectly welcome to attend the events she made a bunch of excuses and really didn't give me a direct answer as to why.

Which really tells me something is going on. I donít know what and tend to think then it may not have anythung to do with the J of today. Perhaps in her mind it's still the J of years ago? I just donít know but when I hear, ďIíve got to workĒ or ďwe canít because of the dogsĒ (again not you just another excuse that seems to always get used - when wanting to do something the dogs seem fine for 12 hours but when not wanting to do something they canít be alone for an hour) my BS detector goes off. Either she or he is avoiding. Clearly. I mean youíve said he wonít come downstairs when you arrive there. Is he intimidated by you? Is she embarrassed by him?

I do think if bad things were going on the kids would have said something sooner. And the first you hear, while your D is already in a ďmoodĒ is he ďyelledĒ you should know what 9X7 is (BTW should the low # not come first 7X9) OMG just a little humor but you get the point. I am willing to bet 7X9 dollars he did not yell.

So often itís not the actual things that are the real problem itís below the surface. Take the lead on this J. Donít let your x W avoid any longer. Tell her you want to meet him and her meet the doc. Letís pick a date, what works for you ExW? Just get it done. Be the leader here. Itís whatís best for your girls. I have to believe itís adding stress for them thinking they canít mention BF to you or the doc to your exW. Donít let them carry that any longer. If anything, if there ever is an issue with BF your daughter will be much more open to telling you.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 07:35 PM

Originally Posted by DonH
Is she embarrassed by him?

Yep! Hit the nail on the head.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 07:50 PM

I think Don may have a point. You seemed adamant in many earlier posts in telling XW you did NOT want to hear about her bf and while I get it, I can also imagine that might bring some hesitancy on her part to actually bring the 2 of you together for a meeting. Of course, to doodler's point, that was exactly what I thought of....she was embarrassed by him. In comparing him and you (which she inevitably does whether she admits it or not), maybe he doesn't quite stack up in her eyes and she doesn't want you to see that, particularly when you now have the fabulous, beautiful doctor in tow.

Also, like G, I think I have a contrary viewpoint to many of you sometime because I'm not a "real" parent. I didn't give birth to my daughters but I totally am all in on loving and parenting them and being there for them. I am sure it is difficult to see someone else parent your children. I think you responded correctly to what went down by addressing concerns to your XW and hearing her explanation of what your D told you, so that is all good on you. While I get that you don't like to think of her bf parenting your children since he is not technically their stepdad, I think the reality is that he does play a parental role on a regular basis. It isn't like they are casually dating. They are in a serious relationship. So, that is going to happen, particularly with someone like your XW, whom I get the impression is very much a follower in a relationship rather than a leader. I'm not saying it is right, but I'm saying it is probably a fact of life in many cases, not just that of you and your XW. You say that you don't step in with the doc's son when she is around and you only do when you have him and she is not there, but your relationship is newer and somewhat different. You and the doc don't live together. I bet dollars to donuts if y'all lived together, you would have a much more active role in parenting her son, even if you weren't married. It is just how life works. You and your xw seem to have a good co-parenting relationship, so you have to trust that she is watching and making sure that her bf is not stepping out of line with your Ds, but if he does, by all means, you should have a pointed discussion with him.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 08:29 PM

So I told her that 3 years right after I moved her out of her apartment, into her condo, then found out she was dating someone.

I would be shocked if she was still respecting my wishes 3 years later even after I told her almost a year ago to bring him to the game, parties, etc. She made it sound like him staying upstairs was all on her. She also knows that I have been dating the Doc for quite some time which should be even more reason why she should be comfortable bringing in around.

She is meeting the Doc tomorrow at our mutual friends birthday party unless the XW bails for some reason. Not sure when I will meet her BF. It was supposed to be this past Sunday and then I asked her to invite him to the party tomorrow but he has to work. She did tell me that she told him I wanted to meet him. She was very concerned about my opinion of him as she was trying to articulate why he drives the cars he does, the job that he has, etc.

I do think she might be a little embarrassed. She doesn't need to justify him to me.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 08:35 PM

See, I'm looking at this from a woman's point of view, so maybe I'm seeing it differently, but I don't think it is so much about respecting your wishes as it is setting up a convenient excuse and the rest of your post above tells me that is exactly what it is. She's had ample opportunity to bring him around, but yet it is on her that he stays upstairs when you are dropping off and picking up the girls. You were "supposed" to meet him last Sunday and now he conveniently can't come to this party because he has to work and then you finish it all up with her being concerned about your opinion. You are right, she doesn't have to justify anything to you nor do you to her, but in her mind, you are the standard and she d@mn well wants to make sure her man meets that standard. I think all these excuses show that she knows he doesn't and she is embarrassed so she keeps making excuses about why he can't meet you. I don't know your XW and I may be way off base. I know she was the WA, but she just strikes me as incredibly insecure and now here you are with your sh!t together and a fantastic new girlfriend. I would bet your XW is overwhelmed and thought that you would just sit in the background and pine for what was for the rest of your life and you, instead, not only passed her by, but blew her doors off. It isn't a competition, but in a way, it totally is, if that makes any sense at all.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 08:48 PM

I think sheís avoiding it because she knows heís not a long term viable option.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 09:09 PM

Well she severely underestimated me and all I ever did was DB her after about the 1.5 months. I have never stepped once in her direction and she never made any obvious moves towards me so at this point it is what it is.

She has been dating him for over 2 years, he has met our mutual friends and she recently told me that she took him out to CA with her to meet her family. But when it comes to me he is a no show and doesn't show his face.

Meeting her family doesn't necessarily mean a long term solution either has her parents are whack jobs.

I have made it clear to her that I want to meet him and an open to doing so. When she told me on Sunday I wasn't going to get to all I said was....oh that stinks, I was looking forward to meeting him!

It very well could be a combination of both.

So DH....I am trying to meet the guy but I am not going to beg for it. I have made my intentions clear to the XW. I will follow up again at some point if she doesn't voluntarily make it happen.

I remember when she first told me about him the first words out of her mouth was that he is 5'6.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 09:23 PM

Iím willing to bet she bows out tomorrow.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 09:25 PM

So much hate on the short dudes
Posted By: DonH

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 10:42 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I remember when she first told me about him the first words out of her mouth was that he is 5'6

That is just a weird thing to say. I mean of all the possible things to say... heís really nice to me, heís a car salesman (or whatever) heís very funny, heís an ex cop, heís from California, I mean I could fill up the rest of this thread with potential first statements and still never get to heís 5-6 as the first thing she tells you. Lol.

I do have to jump in with LH, it would not at all surprise me if she bailed tomorrow. Then again we are trying to explain the actions of a WAW/WW. They donít tend to start making more sense even years after they dropped their bomb and moved on. The stuff Iíve been told my WAW has done... omg. Perhaps another reason Iím as close to ďherĒ kids as I am and they, at least her daughter and SIL, have little to do with her and her S3.5 at the time of her daughters birth asked who that woman was. ďThatís your grandmaĒ he was told to which he said ďno sheís not, thatís my grandmaĒ pointing to his fathers mom. But I digress - just that we could all go broke trying to figure out why a WAW or WW or ex does and says what they do. Just donít let her bring you to her level. Keep being the adult ready and willing to meet.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/26/20 11:28 PM

I think youíll be put at ease when you get to meet him and see how your kids interact with him.

She probably knows you would make fun of his height, so thatís the first things she mentioned. Sheís probably not physically attracted to him and doesnít want you to laugh at him ( on the inside, of course)

I hope he is really a decent dude. Table manners are cool. Eating your vegetables are cool. I probably wouldnít like chicken every day. But I hope he is teaching these things kindly.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/27/20 12:52 PM

I agree hopefully he is, we shall see how it all goes down tonight. My x doesn't have to justify anything to me. She made her choice, didn't place value on what I had to offer so it is what it is. Own your decision, be happy with it and go create the life you envisioned when you tapped out of our marriage.

I am sure she is very insecure about bringing him around me because she knows he doesnt measure it. I do agree with D on that one. She just needs to own it and worry about her own happiness.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 03:50 AM

Just got back from the party and not much to report. It did feel a little weird at first. The Doc kissed me a couple of times and that felt a little awkward. I kind of expected my XW to come over and talk to her a bit one on one but that didn't happen. They did hug when the evening was over with though so that was positive. The X was stand offish most of the evening, not in a rude way, just not interacting like i thought she would. IF her BF was there I would have totally went up and attempted to talk to him in order to get to know him. The XW did not do that at all. There was no one on one interaction with the Doc at all.

My oldest was awesome. she didn't act like it bothered her at all. She hugged the Doc and they chatted but my youngest not so much. She seemed to be processing it all.

The X's BF didnt show but she made it sound like he was at her place waiting for them to get back. Not sure why he didn't stop by after work. At the end of the evening we were all talking and I told everyone at the table I was looking forward to meeting him. It was just a small group of people, close friends, and the Doc had left to get her son to bed.

The way my X talked at one point it was almost in a defending way as our mutual friend was asking if he graduated from nursing school. I am sure me dating a Dr contributed to that. The X handled everything just fine but I could tell she seemed insecure about it. I am sure it was a little awkward for her as well.

I feel better that this first meeting is out of the way. I guess for someone that actually wanted the D is expected a little bit more from her.
Posted By: JujuB

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 09:15 AM

Just enjoy - you get to live the ultimate LBS ďrevengeĒ fantasy (even if you are way anove it).. she left and you found someone more accomplished and better looking. Hah! Great stuff! You should go and post the story in newcomers...
ďWife cheated and left and I ended up in a great and healthy relationship with a gorgeous doctorĒ

I think she traded down and is embarrassed. She doesnít want to give you the satisfaction cause she knows That you know. And she doesnít seem super happy.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 10:19 AM

J,

Iím glad it went smoothly and you feel better after the meeting. Iím 100% confident he was not there but your ex didnít want him to be. I suspect the little guy will be getting his walking papers soon. You have always been one of my favorite people on the board and I am so happy that everything has worked out great for you.

Keep on keeping on!
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 11:00 AM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

I feel better that this first meeting is out of the way. I guess for someone that actually wanted the D is expected a little bit more from her.

Well, you're forgetting a trait that's common among most WAS ... they expect that we will stay where they left us. You haven't. They created this insane narrative about us that has little to nothing to do with reality in order to justify leaving. Your ex just got slapped in the face with the reality of who you are and what she threw away.

I'm glad the meeting between the dr and the ex is out of the way as well. Should make things easier for you here on out. Just keep being you and enjoying the amazing life you've created from the ashes.

xoxoxo
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 01:48 PM

As usual, bttrfly makes the point I was trying to make yesterday in a far more succinct and eloquent way. XW just kind of assumed you would be sitting there, pining away alone while she went off foot loose and fancy free. She is concerned about how you will react to her bf because she is subconsciously measuring him against you (and as I said yesterday, he will NOT measure up...and not just because he's shorter). But, just as bttrfly said, now XW has to face the reality not only of what she gave up but that someone else has picked it up. The fact that it is a smoking hot doctor who treats you like a king has GOT to make it even that much harder for XW, not that you particularly care, nor should you because she made her bed and now she must lie in it.

Maybe I'm weird or just plain wrong, but I'm not sure why you expected one on one conversation between the XW and the doctor. What would be the point? I didn't have any conversation at all with my XH's new skanky wife when he introduced me. I shook her hand, said hello, and walked away. It was incredibly awkward, but that is a whole other story. I still have not had a conversation with her, but I have only been in her presence one other time and she acted like I wasn't even in the room, which was totally fine with me. I get that you want to have a conversation with the XW's bf, because if I'm not mistaken he lives with her and your girls, so I can see where you would want to put forth an effort to actually know that person, but you and the doc don't live together and while she sees your girls and will likely be their stepmother at some point, she does not have the same relationship to your girls as a non-live in gf as their mom's live in bf does. Does that make sense? Like I said, maybe I'm wrong, but I don't necessarily see anything wrong with the fact that they didn't have a one on one conversation.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 01:49 PM

Thanks everyone, a surreal moment for sure. In some aspects it is very liberating. Hard to put into words. I never intended to show her up or slap her in her face. If that is an out put of my own self discovery then so be it. I just took inventory of my weaknesses and sought to improve in those areas. Tbh.....I am a very blessed and lucky man as what i had to overcome was not a huge lift. Rather just some modifications here and there.

It is a process for sure.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 01:53 PM

D.......I guess I expected the one who wanted the D to be all confident and wanting to meet and talk. I guess I would expect the one who didnt want the D, or the one who was cheated on to be angry and not want to have a conversation.

My situation it is reversed. Xw wanted the D, be happy, go have the conversation, talk, chat it up because you are the one that wanted out. I should be the angry one.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 02:18 PM

I get what you are saying. I just don't think your XW is confident. My situation is like yours. I was the one who was cheated on and I was the one who got dropped like a hot potato for someone else who was supposedly better. H3ll, maybe she IS better...don't know and don't care. Like you, I didn't get angry, I just moved on. My XH may feel exactly you and wonder why I didn't engage in conversation with his W, but I just don't feel like I need to. I'm over it. Now, granted, our situation is different in that we don't have young children so we don't have to talk to each other. We were able to totally separate and be away from each other where you have that link to your XW because of your girls.

I wasn't judging at all....was just curious as to why you expected that conversation.

Totally get what you mean about it being surreal, though...Ö..yeah.....totally.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 02:38 PM

I didn't feel that way D money, I just assumed those like you and I that are the jilted ones would not want to talk and those that walked away would. He wasn't in the picture when we separated although he was when we got divorced. That said I would totally shake his hand and attempt to strike up a convo not like my xw did.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 04:04 PM

Just because she chose the divorce doesnít mean she wants to be friends with your new Gf and have conversation. Wanting the divorce and striking conversation up with your new GF are mutually exclusive.

You know, in all the years, my ex has never kissed or held hands with his OW or really even touched her in my presence. And no one is probably more over their ex than me, but if they did I would find it weird. Might have been much for the ex.

TBH, no matter whoís choice, itís always kind of awkward. Just because someone wanted the divorce doesnít mean this stuff isnít weird and an adjustment. Itís human nature.

As long as you could all be in the same room, great! I wouldnít put any expectations any higher!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 04:30 PM

Makes sense.....the doc doesn't have a filter. Her touching me and kissing me is her normal default. I dont think she was going to do anything different. If anything it could have been a test. Doc is loyal and loves hard, it's just who she is.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 04:35 PM

Just to be clear it was like 2 pecks....not full blown make out sessions smile
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 04:51 PM

I was thinking some kind of bathroom fornication.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 04:54 PM

Originally Posted by LH19
I was thinking some kind of bathroom fornication.

Yeah, right. Two pecks with tongue. Leg humping. Pelvic thrusts. Moaning...
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 02/28/20 06:39 PM

Totally agree with G. It is awkward regardless of who wanted the D and how it went down. Like G, I'm SO far over my XH that I just don't even care. Honestly, if he got hit by a bus right now, I would feel bad for the girls and for his mom and sister, but I wouldn't give a d@mn about him or his wife. (As a side note, just in case some obnoxious fat guy gets hit by a bus in Boston today, I'm right here in South Arkansas at work, minding my business, so as not to be accused of driving said bus that runs over said obnoxious fat guy.) I don't really want to talk to her or him and I certainly won't be striking up a friendship with her if/when they move back to Arkansas. Of course, I don't really want to talk to him either and since the girls are all adults, I don't have to. I will likely see them at things for the grandkids and I will be polite and civil because that is how adults act, but that is as far as I'm willing to go.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 03:11 PM

I understand the first meeting being a little awkward but I still say if you are the jilted one, I can see why would might still be angry however as the one who left, the one that cheated, the one that walked away. It doesn't make sense why you would be angry. You got out, you got what you wanted. Any way enough of that.

Not much to report. I didn't have my girls this weekend so spent both night with the Doc. Friday night I took off of work and we went out to her ranch to shoot guns, have a few beverages and just chill. We came back early Saturday morning as my girls had soccer games. Saturday night we went to a fundraiser for a non-profit group that she is on the board of directors of. Yesterday I had to help a friend move for a while and then it was my normal domestic chores and getting the girls back around 1.

Two weeks until Spring Break so I am trying to decide what to do with the girls.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 05:54 PM

Oh and I just thought about something else. I think the Doc kind of $hit tested me on Saturday night. Maybe not in the moment on purpose but it stuck out to me. It probably would not have hit my radar screen if I had not dove in deep into R and all the self improvement. Further drives home the point of not rushing into things either.

At the event on Saturday night there was a silent auction so both of us had our own individual cards to bid on stuff with. I put my bid down on a weekend stay at a hotel out of town and my bid was like 3 times lower than what the actual value of it was. I was feeling really good about my chances to win it and the Doc comes over with like 5 minutes left and wants to put another bid on it with her sticker to jack up the price even more. I thought it was kind of stupid, as I had been watching the bidding on it for a while no one had tried to out bid me for an hour. So I told her "no", "don't do it" as I already have this one secured. I told her to essentially go bid on something else if she wanted to spend more money. So what does she do??? She turns around, walks away, gets about 5 feet from me, then turns back around walks in my direction and puts her bid down over mine. Doing exactly what I asked her not to do. I was kind of shocked, not that big of a deal in the action but she straight up ignored what I asked her not to do! Said to my self...."MFer this not going to happen on my watch". So I removed her bid from the sheet, gave her number back to her, and I told her I asked you not to do it but you did it any way. I told her to go bid on something else if she wanted to spend more money. She apologized and told me it was her control issues taking over.

I just shook my head.....at that point I could have cared less if I had won.

Afterwards she proceeded to tell me about 7 times how much she loved me. BahaaaaaÖÖÖ.unreal!
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 06:18 PM

Ok, so it irked you that she outbid you after you asked her not to. I get that. But then you went over and removed her bid and basically said "I told you not to". I would've lit your a$$ up in front of God and everybody for that. I d@mn sure wouldn't have apologized to you. LOL Probably why I was single for so long...ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 06:30 PM

LOL.....well then she would have found her own ride home.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 06:49 PM

Sounds like she wasn't the only one who was testing someone. wink And I totally would've walked home or called a cab just to prove my point, but then again, I have been called stubborn, mule-headed and other assorted things more than once in my life. LOL
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 07:05 PM

Doc is very type A, very clinical. She tells me all the time that I see a side of her that 99.5% of the population doesn't see. She does not hesitate to go after what she wants. For example, she wants her neighbor at her ranch to build her a 16 x 20 deck overlooking the valley below so she can watch the sunset. He did not agree to do the work but she took it upon herself to give him an envelope full of cash to get started. He was p*ssed because he had not even agreed to do the work. She thought by giving him the cash that it would tempt in to get started.

The Doc goes after what she wants, she has no fear. Knowing her like I do is the reason I had to do something. I had no intentions of trying to test her. I asked her very nicely, made my intentions known. She didn't respect my wishes. I just couldn't let it go. I wasn't mean or angry.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 07:18 PM

Seems like she might think money equates power?

I would imagine her neighbor was quite insulted
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 07:29 PM

I didn't assume you did it in a rude or mean way because you just don't strike me as that kind of guy, but I agree with G. Sounds like money = power for the doc and she wanted to be in control. That could be a bit of a red flag moving down the road....in my opinion, but then again, that is all that is....MY opinion.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 07:32 PM

I told her it was wrong what she did (she asked my opinion) since he had not agreed to do the work. He was p*ssed and she apologized.

She is used to getting what she wants. She is very proud of her accomplishments and is very tuned into her finances. She is very quirky with how she spends her money and is not wasteful. Yesterday she gave me a bag full of applesauce, chocolate pudding and a cheese cup from Sonic because they were going to expire soon. I laughed to myself.....I was like WTF!!!! A cheese cup from Sonic??? She shops at Aldi, buys her kid second hand clothing, makes her own earrings and buys used jeans off of Ebay. Yet, she just throws cash at her neighbor to build her a deck.

However when she lets you in you are in and will give you the shirt off her back. She will do anything for you when she lets you in the circle. For example, her friend wasn't married but wanted kids. The Doc gave her money to adopt 2 children and also paid off her credit card debt.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 07:37 PM

Honestly it is a bit of a red flag D. With her, I would never want to be without employment or put her in a position to hang money over my head. I bet you she crushed her XH.

I do well but I am not a Doc and don't make what she makes. I made that very clear to her early on as I was concerned that it was something she would itemize against me.

Truthfully she only needs me for about 2 things. Companionship and you know the other smile
Posted By: doodler

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 07:49 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Truthfully she only needs me for about 2 things. Companionship and you know the other.

Do you get an envelope of cash after doing "the other"?
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 08:38 PM

Not to belabor a point, but did she really need to ask if what she did was wrong? I mean, one would assume she's a reasonably intelligent person since she's a doctor, so in asking your opinion, was she really wanting to know if it was wrong or was she just testing the waters to see if you were ok with her acting that way? Because honestly, if she seriously didn't know that treating someone that way is wrong or if she didn't understand why the neighbor was mad, that seems like an even bigger red flag to me than how she acted at the event with the bid thing. If she knows full well what she is doing and she just plays dumb, well that too is a big issue.

I'm not trying to make something of nothing, really. Other than this, she has sounded like a pretty cool chick all along, but I think I may be extra sensitive to some things. I have never had money. I came from a poor family and I worked my a$$ for everything I have too, just like the doctor did. I had to fight tooth and nail in a "man's world" since I chose the field of agriculture as my education and career path. I didn't choose to be an actual doctor but I'm very proud of everything I have accomplished in my own right, just like the doctor is. But when people expect to be treated a certain way because they have money or looks or because of a certain status, that really irks me. I'm sure your doctor is a lovely, beautiful woman and she's obviously an attentive mom and a good partner for you and that is all great. I just don't want you to get in a situation where she uses that attitude on you because it just seems kind of ugly (and actually very unlike the woman you have described all along, so maybe it is in my interpretation of what you are saying and not in what is actually happening).
Posted By: DonH

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 10:55 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Doc is very type A, very clinical. She tells me all the time that I see a side of her that 99.5% of the population doesn't see.

What happens when you stop being in the one half of one percent and join the other 99.5? This is not a new thought for me as Iíve thought it before - actually early on. Youíve mentioned this before about her treating you differently than she treats employees, some family, many friends, etc. I just figured youíd start to see more of it but so far, even a little over a year in, you have not. Youíre still getting a pass.

Itís a tough call. You maybe never well become part of the other 99 percent but youíre in a small segment and OMG what would she do if she moved you out of the inner circle? I really donít know and I am not even suggesting this is a dealbreaker but it is concerning. Perhaps as long as you continue to stand up to her, youíre okay. But dang, I have to believe that the other 99% see the real doctor and youíre still getting the restrained version or at least the version sheís trying to be until she has you totally locked down. Move forward a few years and youíre married, Iíll bet you she continues to leave the bid on the table and takes you to the mat over it. She no longer has to put on the act.

Again this is hard because at least what you tell us, she doesnít usually act this way - although perhaps she does, just not with you. This is why some woman say they pay attention to how guys they date treat wait staff or service people. You almost have to assume at some point you will be treated like the other 99% and if Iím correct, will you be okay with that? It seems like thatís who the real doctor is. You may still be getting the good doctor - not the real doctor everyone else gets - like her neighbor.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 11:20 PM

Yep....what Don said. Thatís what I was trying to say.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/02/20 11:23 PM

Just be careful, J. Itís one thing to be frugal with your groceries and clothes. Itís another thing to use your money to manipulate or get what you want. Using money for power or control or to get what you want when someone doesnít want to give it, is not a pretty trait.

Not a doctor, and I clearly donít have an excess of money, but I donít need anything from a man. Maybe to lift heavy things or open my jars, but I even got that covered. I need more money, I get another job, lol. Companionship, live, support, sex, respect is what I need in a man. That should be most of the women out there.

Letís just hope she saw she couldnít use her money for control on you, and hopefully she will see itís not good to use it to get what you want at any cost either
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/03/20 01:00 AM

She knows she can't control me with money. It is not any more or any less important than her other qualities. TBH I have not seen her try to control anyone with money, just this one incident with her neighbor. They do have an odd relationship and with them it is more of a relationship out of necessity as they both need each other. I wont go into all the details as there are just too many but its not as bad as it seems. To all of your points though it is on my radar.

This is really the first time I had to stand up to her. Honestly I should have done it more with my XW and if I had who knows how our R would have been different.Not trying to stand up in a mean but rather stand up for what I believe in, what I feel, not afraid to speak my mind in a respectful way and disagree with her as well if I actually do.

It is actually good practice for me and something i am very self aware of.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/03/20 01:08 AM

But did you win the auction????
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/03/20 01:16 AM

LOL.....I don't know yet. Winners are supposed to get notified this week. Hopefully so though, it was 4 tickets to Sea World in San Antonio along with 2, $100 gift cards. The retail cost was $425 and I bid $140. What a steal!!
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/03/20 01:21 AM

You should leave her a$$ home! Hahahaha!


j/K
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/03/20 01:23 AM

HAHAHA!!!! Her son can go her azz stays at home! smile
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/04/20 09:32 PM

For those that are playing along...Ö.I won the tickets! The Doc and her bid wasn't needed......SMH.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/04/20 10:02 PM

Congrats! Sounds like a fun outing. I have always wanted to go to San Antonio. LOL "The Doc and her bid wasn't needed".....that sounds a bit like a power struggle to me. wink
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/05/20 12:49 PM

Lol......well I had never felt it before until this one situation and this was more of her just doing what she wanted to do despite my request. I just couldn't stick my tail between my legs and let it happen.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/05/20 01:47 PM

You should give me the 4th ticket
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/05/20 02:04 PM

Lol.....well technically I am one short.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/05/20 02:42 PM

The Doc's XH is still in the hospital, essentially waiting on a heart transplant. I won't bore everyone with the details but that obviously means he can't take his son during his scheduled time. The Doc now has her son full time and unfortunately that means we don't get much alone time any more. I can come and go as I please when it is not my week with my girls but the Doc, not so much. Her mom lives in town and might take him one night a week but she is 75, not in the best of health, and is limited.

Anyway it's just kind of frustrating. Outside of hiring a babysitter for the evening or a drop off place there is really no other options. We can't even take a trip together over a long weekend. so we just end up sneaking moments here and there. I know in the grand scheme of things it really isn't that big of deal but when you think about couples dating before kids they got to spend several years together, having all the alone time they wanted before kids were introduced. I guess when you are older and have young kids it just doesn't work that way any more.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/05/20 02:45 PM

Youíll have all that when they are on there own and the relationship will hopefully still be fulfilling.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/05/20 03:32 PM

Yep......it is what it is.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/09/20 02:40 PM

Well it's been a few days so I guess i'll provide an update.

The Doc and I went out on Saturday night and all the kids went to this open gym thing and played. We all went back to the Doc's house Saturday night and had a sleep over. I made breakfast for everyone yesterday morning.

Both my girls won their games on Saturday.

The Doc had me cover last night and spend the night as well. She even wanted me to partake in her bedtime routine with her son. They read books together, he is in the dual language program at school so he reads one in Spanish and they she make him memorize bible verses. A little much for me but I appreciate the structure. The Doc herself is quite a dichotomy herself that is in her wheel house as she is very much an intellectual.

I still have not met the XW's BF.

If I asked the Doc to marry me today she would say yes. I am just not quite there yet and I also think my youngest is still adjusting although she is starting to warm up more to the Doc.

My youngest made the comment to me yesterday that she doesn't like where mommy lives but doesn't want to say anything to her because she doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Outside of location the difference is the XW lives in a small 2 bedroom condo, with no yard and no ability for the kids to play outside. Compared to my house or the Doc's is extremely different. I just told my youngest that her mommy loves her very much and you can talk to mommy about it she wanted to a she can talk to us about anything.

Both my girl never complain about going to their moms, or ever say anything to me about how they don't like it, very rarely also never mention her BF so I assume if something was going on it would have come out by now especially with my 10 year old.
Posted By: job

Re: Hitting My Stride IIII - 03/09/20 02:44 PM

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Hitting My Stride V
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