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Trials and tribulations of dating 2Well,, today is a spa day with my friend. It’s a Korean type day spa and we are having breakfast with mimosas first to get the courage to do the naked baths part. Because they look really nice and relaxing.
I know everyone here has always given the the best support with the best intentions. I do appreciate it.
I have done so much soul searching. I don’t think I didn’t have R’s that didn’t work out because I slept with them too early. Or because I didn’t play the game well enough. It’s because I didn’t believe in my worth. Which lead me to pretzeling myself, not getting out when I wasn’t being valued, and not showing how I should be treated. Fear of losing someone. The fear of losing someone actually didn’t come from the fear of me being alone, believe it or not. It came from a scar my ex left. That if they left me, it was because I wasn’t good enough and I did something “wrong” .
I’ve dated too many guys not worth their weight. I gave and gave and got nothing in return. I didn’t value myself.
Who knows what will happen with E? So far, I like what I see. He’s been texting me throughout the day. He is the initiator. He has graduated to good night sweet dream texts. He fell asleep early last night, and so did I. I woke up this morning to a text he sent me when he woke up on the couch. Telling me good night and to have a great day at the spa. Tells me good morning too. He’s courting me and I like it. No 3rd date set yet. I haven’t given up my schedule to him nor hinted when I’m free. I think he will ask me out. And heck, I’ll let him wine and dine me.
I’m just dating right now. A seemingly good guy. I do know more about his divorce too. Luckily it’s very amicable, he has never ever cheated and I believe he liked being married. Which is a good quality.
I’m not “all in” I’m not head over heels. I am exactly where o should be at this point. We chat a lot and even talk on the phone. We are really getting to know each other. And it’s fun! Which it should be, right?
I like it G......make him wonder a bit!!
So he kindly asked me if I had my daughter this weekend. I said no, she’s going to her dads . He said “ why didn’t you tell me?!!” He then asked if I had plans and I said yes, if you are asking me out on Saturday” so he did. And he said he’s going to come up with something really cool to do.
This is going to sound slight crazy. But he had sort of suggested axe throwing. I realized, first date with M was drinks, apps. Second date was sushi. 3rd date was ax throwing...... um, I’m seeing a pattern! So while I would love to go ax throwing, because it is lots of fun, it’s kind of creepy.
Anyways. I am leaving it all in his hands and I’m going to let him show me a good time!
LOL G...…..that's good, it's up to him! You don't owe him your schedule yet, good for you!
I took the Doc axe throwing on date 4 after she declined to go on date 3. I think most guys are just trying to do something different then just the normal drinks, dinner, etc. Most of the books I have read indicate that on date 3 you should be a little more adventurous.
He is trying and making an effort. I think he likes you!!!!!!
Is he good enough for you????
It’s because I didn’t believe in my worth.
This. ((Ginger))
Is he good enough for me?
Well, so far, yes! But it’s been 2 dates so the jury is still out. But that will be what I am evaluating . So far he’s been very sweet, respectful, funny, and affectionate.
And he really is trying to make an effort. He properly asked me out and wants to make a special date for us. It’s nice to see a real effort. I am not making any suggestions, and I’m leaving it all on his hands.
I think he likes me too.
Spent the day at a Korean spa with my friend. We treated ourselves to a massage and foot reflexology, they had a special going on. I got man handled by a Korean man and I loved it. Best massage ever. We used the baths...... naked!!!! We braved it! And then the all the different rooms and saunas. It was totally awesome.
I don’t want to go back to work Monday! I want to live the life of a trophy wife! Hahaha! A girl could dream
Hey G..sounds like a great date...
Love what you said about owning your worth...good stuff there.
So, I am 60 (how the heck did that happen?) and I am not a prude..trust me on that. I like me some sexy time..a lot.
And if one is not looking for a relationship and both parties agree...that is up to them.
I feel strongly, though, about the difference being having sex and making love...two completely different acts.
For me, there has to be an emotional connection besides a physical attraction. I have to know that person and feel that he has made an effort to know me. It is a special act between two people who care about each other...or at least it should be, in my opinion...otherwise it is just sex between 2 people. Now there isnt anything wrong with that if that is what they want. But if you want more...then It comes from the self worth you are speaking about.
This shouldnt be game playing in your eyes. You shouldnt have accepted a last minute date not because it reels him in, but because you are worth consideration.
You shouldnt sleep with him right away, not to keep him interested, but, because you are worth waiting for.
If you truly want to do something different, then you have to think differently for real. You have to feel differently about yourself. You have to have the confidence that you deserve to be respected.
The same thing goes for letting him lead. You shouldnt be doing that because its game playing. You do it because you are deserving of having someone want to see you and plan a nice date for you.
I dont want to see you get hurt again, sweetie. You have to really just let this play out. Keep living your life..doing your thing and let it unfold.
I am rooting for you always.... <3
Sounds like things are going really well G. I watched some videos the other day on YouTube on relationships and what men want. He is big on women knowing their worth and the one thing he says is you have to not be afraid to lose that person. Pretty much what everyone on here has been saying. They are pretty great videos that I wish I had watched YEARS ago. Have a great time on Saturday!!! (((HUGS)))
Absolutely, UR! I am making these choices based on what serves ME. Not what I can do in order the “catch and keep” in the past I was more focused on how not to lose the guy. Which is pretty much where every R has gone wrong. I realize it’s the biggest scar my ex left. I just felt like if someone walked away, it would be all my fault and something I did wrong and I had no confidence in myself in dating and relationships. Like I “must” not be doing the right things. When I do have sex, it’s because I want to and I’m ready. And yes, I do need an emotional connection now to make it enjoyable.
I simply cannot be afraid to lose anyone anymore and I have to be confident that if they walk away, it’s not because I did anything “wrong”.
So far something I really enjoy about E is that I feel so comfortable being myself. He is non judge mental. He can crack jokes and take jokes. I can just really be me around him. I could not do that with M. I was Me, but it didn’t feel comfortable. I always felt judged. Probably because he was judgy of everyone else.
I can’t wait to see what he has in store for tomorrow. I’m sure it will be a good time no matter what. A date on a Saturday night ?! I can’t believe it!
G...you got a primetime spot!!!!
I simply cannot be afraid to lose anyone anymore and I have to be confident that if they walk away, it’s not because I did anything “wrong”.
The only thing you ever did wrong was being just the most awesome person!
I remember telling you how things can change in the blink of an eye and to have faith. Told you so!!! I hope you have the BEST time on Saturday Ginger. I will be thinking of you for sure!!!
I simply cannot be afraid to lose anyone anymore and I have to be confident that if they walk away, it’s not because I did anything “wrong”.
The only thing you ever did wrong was being just the most awesome person!
Awwww! Thank you! I really miss you and that very special lady of yours
Thanks dejavu!
He’s so freakin adorable and sweet. He texts me in the day, and always replies to my texts like immediately. It’s impressive. He told me is really excited for tomorrow. Looks like dinner, glow in the dark mini golf and then maybe some drinks and a band . He has eluded to future dates too.
I’m
Enjoying the ride for sure and looking forward to having a Saturday night date
Really, you un-friended me on FB? Was it because I disagreed with LH?
See my DM. Of course I didn’t do that
Hope you have a great time on your date tonight. Can’t wait to hear all about it.
Awwww! Thank you! I really miss you and that very special lady of yours
We miss you too but we have been so busy.
New grand kids and all.
Have fun on your date tonight G.. Its good to see you getting treated so well, hi hopes for this one..
Thank you guys very much. Currently trying to pick out what top to wear.... decisions, decisions
Good luck G....remember to make him earn it but most importantly have fun!!!!!
whatever you wear, you will look beautiful!
I’m waiting (not so patiently) to hear about the date. Hope you had a great evening.
Good morning all!
Date 3 was very nice. We had a really good time together. He is very sweet and funny and was a gentleman. We had a fun date last night. There will definitely be more. I think we may have entered the dating each other phase. Where we get to know each other more and more.
I’m struggling a little emotionally, but it’s my own stuff I need to work through. It has nothing to do with him But i am excited to see him again and see where this goes!
I am so glad to read that you had a good time and that there are more dates on the horizon.
I look forward to watching this relationship unfold.
Sooooooooooo inquirying minds want to know..................
Sooooooooooo inquirying minds want to know..................
Know what? Did he propose ? No.
Did anything happen that blew your mind?
Did anything happen that blew your mind?
Only you could blow my mind
I could blow your mind in less then an hour.
There are children reading this thread, such as myself, and I am having a hard time keeping up with these insinuations...
Gs got it bad for me and I feel bad if I don’t play along.
Gs got it bad for me and I feel bad if I don’t play along.
He’s such a good guy for taking pity on me and pretending to wish he could be with a woman as amazing as me
There are children reading this thread, such as myself, and I am having a hard time keeping up with these insinuations...
We can’t help ourselves. We are like 2 peas in a pod
Today is my last day off after a full week and I go back to work tomorrow.
I’m having lots of anxiety about starting my new job because I seriously have no idea how I’m going to do it all. If I guess you basically find a way when you have no choice.
Nothing is easy. But I’ll figure it out. It’s just freaking me out how I’m going to balance it all. So I’m taking today and doing absolutely nothing.
Hopefully a date on Wednesday. Friday night me and my girl are having valentines in with some Chinese take out and card games. I got her some gifts. It should be fun.
And of course I can’t help but think back to February 13th last year. I did a vday dinner for M and I and we said those words. 3 days later we met each others kids at his birthday party. Me and kid hit it off eight away.
But no more of that. Onward and upwards !
4th date set: dinner at my house at my house Wednesday night
Woohoo! Sounds great G. What's for dinner?
G,
Congrats on the new job! I guess I wasn’t aware. 4th date lined up.
Great things are really happening to you lately!
You still never answered the million dollar question.
The million dollar question? Ohhhh, that question. A lady never kisses and tells.
I am still deciding on dinner. I was thinking steak and scallops with rice spinach . Fancy stuff. Gotta impress
And I would have to agree, things are going well
Well then............
Yum!!!! I heard scallops were hard to cook.
no.. pan seared. made scallops with risotto for dinner last week. G's got this. xoxoxo
Glad to hear your date went well Ginger!! Your menu for Wednesday’s date sounds great!! Can’t wait to hear how date #4 goes.
Good luck with your new job today!! (((HUGS)))
What wine? A nice Chianti?
What wine? A nice Chianti?
Well then she has to serve fava beans. Do those go with steak and scallops?
By the way, G....glad you had fun and hope the next one is good as well. Good luck on the new job.
What wine? A nice Chianti?
Well then she has to serve fava beans. Do those go with steak and scallops?
Chianti and fava beans are best when having an old friend for lunch. Or maybe a fiance's spouse (aka Mr. Haggis)? Murderous bread anyone?
It's not only weird, it's creepy.
doodler,
I have noticed that you've had "murder" on the brain for a few days. Are you watching murder movies or has someone threatened you in the past?
doodler,
I have noticed that you've had "murder" on the brain for a few days. Are you watching murder movies or has someone threatened you in the past?
I'm channeling Andrew.
Thank you guys! I actually got a new second job. I went back to my regular full-time job pray after my glorious week off which included a lot of self care. It was great. I might be starting my second job this weekend. Which is the same job, same hospital system, different hospital. I just need the mo eh.
There will definitely be wine. And I’m surely pan searing those scallops. I make a good scallop.
Maybe dessert? Hmmmm.
It’ll be a nice time I’m sure. He’s a pretty good guy so far. Seems to be carrying minimal baggage, has a decent R with his ex, and his in laws. His one son lives with him full time for school system purposes. He’s older does his own thing. But for said reasons, I probably won’t be at his house until he stays with his mom for an night. He doesn’t seem to be scared or with all of these issues. Seems pretty normal so far. Which is all good.
Time will tell. I’m playing it cool and enjoying it for what it’s worth.
Time will tell. I’m playing it cool and enjoying it for what it’s worth.
good. keep doing that! xoxoxo
Gs got it bad for me and I feel bad if I don’t play along.
He’s such a good guy for taking pity on me and pretending to wish he could be with a woman as amazing as me
You better believe it.
He is wishing.
Gs got it bad for me and I feel bad if I don’t play along.
He’s such a good guy for taking pity on me and pretending to wish he could be with a woman as amazing as me
You better believe it.
He is wishing.
I heart you cadet!
Tonight is date #4. Dinner and sex at my place.
Just kidding, Hahahaha!
Im going in with an open mind. I’m sure it will be a nice night . I’m adjusting to the new. It’s a little harder than I thought it would be. But still, just taking it one day at at a time.
Cadet what did I ever do to you?
I got a feeling this guys leaving in a body bag tonight lol.
Cadet what did I ever do to you?
I got a feeling this guys leaving in a body bag tonight lol.
He’s running pretty late, so probably.
Tonight is date #4. Dinner and sex at my place.
Just kidding, Hahahaha!
Ha! But, no you’re not. Lol. Actually I’m betting that’s already happened on the last date... well maybe not cooking him dinner but...
I’ll never tell! My sex life is better kept private. I’m not a big fan of having it analyzed, I realize.some things are better kept between your best girlfriends!
Have a great time tonight Ginger!!!
I’ll never tell! My sex life is better kept private. I’m not a big fan of having it analyzed, I realize.some things are better kept between your best girlfriends!
Good Girl. PM me later, lol
A very nice time was had. He’s different from what I am used to. And obviously what I am used to wasn’t working.
We had a little bit of deeper conversation tonight which was good.
I think he really likes me. He asked me some questions tonight , like did I have the 6 month rule with my daughter? And he emphasized “no rush” he brought a dessert which we didn’t finish and he said I could give it to my daughter. He said “ a few months from now I’m going to ask her if she ever had the came” because I was joking I would eat it all.
He talks a lot about future dates and is eager to see me again. When he was here D12 called me from her dads asking if she could go to the mall with her friend on Friday and I said “ what happened to our valentines date night?” When we were talking later, he said he would like to take me out for Valentine’s Day if I end up free. I thought that was very sweet.
I remember J struggling a little bit with the different. Getting used to it. I think I’m in that phase. The whole experience feels different for some reason. And it’s a good thing. Just takes some getting used to.
He’s called me “babe” and “baby” a few times. And he told me he only dated one woman at a time. So I guess we are dating ? Not BF, GF, but dating each other.
Still taking it one day at a time
Wow - that sounds so nice and appropriate!
What exactly is the “different” that you’re having trouble getting used to? Is it just the novelty of being treated like the prize? Is it trying to find attraction for someone that you’re not sure if you’re attracted to?
That is a good question! I am attracted to him..... although he’s got this dorky cute thing going on which I like . It’s different for me. He’s not a drinker. Maybe one drink. And that’s new to me. And probably good for me, lol. He’s frugal like me. He’s not cheap, but he definitely isn’t a money waster
I think it’s his normalcy, really. Lack of baggage. He’s divorced, sure, but he’s got all of that pretty well handled good R with his kids..... his 17 year old lives with him full time. His 19 year old is away at college an hour away, but comes home every other weekend..... but he’a completely comfortable in his father hood role. He’s not obsessed with trying to prove anything to them like the last guy I went on the date with back on October. Or M . He’s dad, he’s cool with it, he spends time with his kids, his kids do their thing, and it’s all good.
He works to accommodate my schedule. Asks when I am free and when we can see each other. He plays 2 sports, and does them 2 nights a week. I don’t ask him to hang out then, but if it was important to me, for whatever reason, he would skip. Unlike M, who almost didn’t skip his stupid lake meeting for my birthday and to meet my family.
So, yeah, he treats me super well. He’s pretty normal and has got his stuff together. Does not fear an R. Wants to be with someone long term. It doesn’t scare him.
It’s good stuff. And maybe I’m used things being a wreck and so much effort. This seems almost effortless. And I really like that. Because lord, I feel like I take on some insane full time job with these men I date. Effortless is nice.
Plus he loves my dog and my dog loves him. That’s always a bonus! My dog was laying in between us with his head on E’s chest. It was pretty freakin’ cute .
G,
All sounds like good stuff. You made a comment once that you don’t like the statement “women are more attracted to a man whose feelings are unclear”. You know where he stands because he needs reassurance he will be in your life in the future. Does that make him more attractive or less?
Would you be thinking about him more if you had no idea what the heck he was thinking?
Rhut rho G.......sounds like you might have a a R on your hands!!!! I get the sense though that you might not be blown away from an attraction stand point. Is that true?
This is all new and it's ok to feel how you feel. Keep doing what you're doing. xoxoxo
Cadet what did I ever do to you?
Well to me nothing but Ginger could be my daughter/little sister and we are personal friends.
So I protect her.
OK?
Hmmmm... been watching videos lately about attraction and how it happens...and, more importantly, how it sticks around. It is human nature that everyone likes a challenge, in particular men. So the experts always advise that you walk this magical line of interested but not too interested...available but not too available...and that you don’t let the other person know that they’ve “caught” you until you are well into a relationship. In this modern dating world of swipe left and right, it seems particularly important as there is always another option if you get too comfortable or bored with the one you have. Maybe you are one of those people who likes a challenge and this has just been too easy for you?
It’s good stuff. And maybe I’m used things being a wreck and so much effort. This seems almost effortless. And I really like that. Because lord, I feel like I take on some insane full time job with these men I date. Effortless is nice.
Plus he loves my dog and my dog loves him. That’s always a bonus! My dog was laying in between us with his head on E’s chest. It was pretty freakin’ cute .
First of all - the dog’s opinion counts. Seriously - there are studies on it.
Second - people who grow up with chaotic or difficult parents often have a problem with being attracted to the same in partners because it’s familiar. You have to learn to be conscious of that tendency. And say to yourself “I deserve someone solid that I don’t have to pursue”.
Sounds good so far!
Cadet what did I ever do to you?
Well to me nothing but Ginger could be my daughter/little sister and we are personal friends.
So I protect her.
OK?
We’re good and your probably right that it’s just a pipe dream.
Hmmmm... been watching videos lately about attraction and how it happens...and, more importantly, how it sticks around. It is human nature that everyone likes a challenge, in particular men. So the experts always advise that you walk this magical line of interested but not too interested...available but not too available...and that you don’t let the other person know that they’ve “caught” you until you are well into a relationship. In this modern dating world of swipe left and right, it seems particularly important as there is always another option if you get too comfortable or bored with the one you have. Maybe you are one of those people who likes a challenge and this has just been too easy for you?
Jumping in to say I had a conversation with a close guy friend recently about this and I basically told him to walk that line. I gave him examples of how not to be, and also of what I think works.
It’s good stuff. And maybe I’m used things being a wreck and so much effort. This seems almost effortless. And I really like that. Because lord, I feel like I take on some insane full time job with these men I date. Effortless is nice.
Plus he loves my dog and my dog loves him. That’s always a bonus! My dog was laying in between us with his head on E’s chest. It was pretty freakin’ cute .
First of all - the dog’s opinion counts. Seriously - there are studies on it.
Second - people who grow up with chaotic or difficult parents often have a problem with being attracted to the same in partners because it’s familiar. You have to learn to be conscious of that tendency. And say to yourself “I deserve someone solid that I don’t have to pursue”.
Sounds good so far!
always trust your dog!!
Attraction actually isn’t my problem. I am attracted to him. I like that’s he’s been kind of clear and comfortable with this things going places. Didn’t decrease my attraction, it actually increased it. Guessing and wondering turns me off.
I am not bored.
I’m scared. Usually I’m scared for other reasons. Waiting for a guy to not be able to handle things is usually my fear. For them to get scared when things get real.
And I think I’m scared of things being normal because I have never had that. I have never had a normal relationship.
And I think I’m scared of things being normal because I have never had that. I have never had a normal relationship.
How are you gonna know if this one is then ??
I think maybe you might be putting some expectations on this, that maybe he really is going to magically turn into one of "Ginger's past relationship ghosts"...
What would make this different this time...???
How will you know if it is ??
How will YOU be different if it is ???
How will you be different if it isn't ???
Even placing a time limit on sex, meeting your daughter, what pizza place to order from....is an expectation for you.
For now, just relax and dont try to label what is or what isn't.
Let this breathe and just enjoy the ride.
IF.....YOU really have your eyes open. You will know what is real and what isn't.
Follow the "template" of what you are looking for in a partner, and see how closely you match with this guy, and maybe even more importantly...
See how well you deal with what doesn't match well....
Glad you enjoyed your date, G. I hope you have a good Valentine's Day.
I’ll never tell! My sex life is better kept private. I’m not a big fan of having it analyzed, I realize.some things are better kept between your best girlfriends!
So that’s a definite YES - on the 3rd date too. Which, ya know it’s really totally up to you. But at least let’s be honest with each other and ourselves, you just didn’t want to hear what some of us were going to tell you.
It’s still way too soon, only 4 dates, but wow a lot of ground has already been covered and quickly. I however do remember you saying a dealbreaker was someone who didn’t drink as you do enjoy your beer and having drinks. I’m not even saying it’s an issue other than don’t change who you are and what you want and like for the guy. That’s a pattern that really should be broken. Also please stick to at least 6 months to protect little G - not in a couple months like he insinuated.
Hoping for the best for you.
I noticed the drinking thing, too, and wondered about it. I mean, to each his own and I'm not questioning it. I just thought I remembered your saying it would be a deal breaker if someone didn't. I'm not a huge drinker, though I'm all about some good cold beer from time to time and margaritas are always welcome in my presence, plus a pickleback shot every once in a great while is EXACTLY what I need, but I have dated men who were heavy drinkers and men who didn't drink at all and it just doesn't matter to me either way. For some being a drinker would be a deal breaker. For some not being a drinker would be a deal breaker. For some, doesn't matter either way. My only issue with a non-drinker would be if made a big deal out of it when I wanted to have something and just couldn't let it go, for whatever reason. I'm an adult and if I want a drink, I'll have one. In my current situation, Sparky is a much heavier drinker than I am.
It’s still way too soon, only 4 dates, but wow a lot of ground has already been covered and quickly.
So Don based on your response of way too soon my guess is your thinking 8 dates wtf??? I don’t think my mother waited that long with my dad in 1956. For starters you don’t even know if she did the deed as she never said anything. Second imo 4 dates is too long. At that point your either A not attracted to one another or B hung up on some obscure number that in your mind society doesn’t view you as a slut. I want a woman who is going to be true to herself and go with her feelings and if things get hot and heavy and she feels safe and comfortable with me she goes for it. I’m not going to think oh she slept with me on date 3 she must be a slut. We are all adults and are in control of our own sexuality.
I hope my response doesn’t ruin my chance for the cruise. I like you Don but you need to loosen up a little.
So Don based on your response of way too soon my guess is your thinking 8 dates wtf???.
No, no, no. That was written very poorly - I even thought of clarifying/correcting it, probably should have. I was not referring to sex on the 3rd date although that was part of it, but my “too soon” was referring to its too soon for me to form a good opinion on this guy or comment intelligently on the status or on if having sex on the 3rd date will negatively impact things. More time and dates need to pass for me to do that. That’s the too soon I was referring to. I should have finished that thought before moving onto “a lot of ground being covered quickly.” I ran two separate thoughts together. Sorry about that. I blame it on my head injury and TBI of 10 years ago. Lol.
Although, that said, I disagree with you too, as do many others including the books I’ve read. But of course you think sex should happen on the 2nd date. We all believe what we do is correct and best.
Wow - when exactly did this become a “rule” to have sex on the third date???
Not that I haven’t had sex on a third date ( or a first) - but really, shouldn’t it happen when you’ve learned enough about the other person to know that they won’t murder or stalk you, give you an STD, boil your bunny or get “accidentally” pregnant? And that can take highly variable amounts of time.
Heck, I’m a product of the promiscuous 70’s but even then three dates was kinda early and certainly not expected.
I am leaning toward the same camp as Don and kml on this one with a caveat. In reality, shouldn’t we all just decide what works for us about when to have sex and pitch this magic number 3 out the window? I think it is different for everyone and the onus is on the 2 parties to decide when they are ready. Maybe date 1, maybe date 3, maybe date 7. If people do it on the first date, fine...that’s on them. For me personally, I have to feel comfortable and know I'm the only sex partner and that takes more than 3 dates (typically 5 or more). If a guy can’t wait that long or thinks I’m not attracted to him, then he can move on. Now, I have had sex on the first date just because I wanted it and the few times I’ve done it, it hasn’t worked out for me. Sparky was date 4 but we’d talked a good bit by phone before our first date so I already felt comfortable when I saw him the first time. I just don’t think there’s a right number, so to be being an adult and handling my sexuality means being honest with a guy about when I’m ready and when I’m not and if he doesn’t respect me enough to understand that, then he’s not the one for me. As a side note, I was attracted to Sparky from date 1, but he didn’t even get a kiss til date 3. EVERYONE is different.
I’m scared. Usually I’m scared for other reasons. Waiting for a guy to not be able to handle things is usually my fear. For them to get scared when things get real.
And I think I’m scared of things being normal because I have never had that. I have never had a normal relationship.
I've learned that when I feel fear in a situation, it's time to stop a minute and analyze the source of the fear. Is it old fear, from previous trauma? What about the current situation is the trigger? It is then time to focus on the trigger and bring forward whatever is ready to be offered up for healing.
If there's something about the current situation that the's source of the fear, that's a different story entirely. You'll know the difference between the two if you take some quiet time to reflect.
The point of fear is to lead to healing of past trauma or protection so we don't get traumatized in the present. Does this resonate with you?
Fear of the unknown is real. You've never had a normal relationship. Ok, well, everything usually seems great in the beginning. It takes time to really get to know someone, quirks, flaws, etc. What I'm hearing is you're out of your comfort zone and it's uncomfortable. You don't know what to expect and you don't like that feeling..
Guess what G - this is where you break the pattern.It doesn't mean this is your forever guy. His purpose in your life could be just that, to help you break a pattern that's been holding you back. Or, he could very well be the forever guy - too soon to tell. What we do know is that he's the today guy. Live in today. Trust that all the work you've done has brought you to this place and this moment with this person for a reason. Face your fears and live. You can do this! xoxoxo
I’ll never tell! My sex life is better kept private. I’m not a big fan of having it analyzed, I realize.some things are better kept between your best girlfriends!
So that’s a definite YES - on the 3rd date too. Which, ya know it’s really totally up to you. But at least let’s be honest with each other and ourselves, you just didn’t want to hear what some of us were going to tell you.
So this is something that's made me uncomfortable here for a while - the commenting on others' sexual choices. Again, I feel like I'm going to be called a prude but honestly, it's none of our business when G decides to sleep with anyone, unless she chooses to tell us that herself. I get being protective of G - we all love her and want her happiness. That being said, she's an adult and deserves respect and privacy about this most intimate of matters until and if she chooses to share that information. And frankly, it's not our place to comment unless the comments are solicited. Her lack of communication on this subject is a boundary we all need to respect. JMHO.
So Don based on your response of way too soon my guess is your thinking 8 dates wtf???.
No, no, no. That was written very poorly - I even thought of clarifying/correcting it, probably should have. I was not referring to sex on the 3rd date although that was part of it, but my “too soon” was referring to its too soon for me to form a good opinion on this guy or comment intelligently on the status or on if having sex on the 3rd date will negatively impact things. More time and dates need to pass for me to do that. That’s the too soon I was referring to. I should have finished that thought before moving onto “a lot of ground being covered quickly.” I ran two separate thoughts together. Sorry about that. I blame it on my head injury and TBI of 10 years ago. Lol.
So Don based on your response of way too soon my guess is your thinking 8 dates wtf???.
No, no, no. That was written very poorly - I even thought of clarifying/correcting it, probably should have. I was not referring to sex on the 3rd date although that was part of it, but my “too soon” was referring to its too soon for me to form a good opinion on this guy or comment intelligently on the status or on if having sex on the 3rd date will negatively impact things. More time and dates need to pass for me to do that. That’s the too soon I was referring to. I should have finished that thought before moving onto “a lot of ground being covered quickly.” I ran two separate thoughts together. Sorry about that. I blame it on my head injury and TBI of 10 years ago. Lol.
Thanks for clarifying Don and I am in agreement that it is too soon for a good opinion, ,
Although, that said, I disagree with you too, as do many others including the books I’ve read. But of course you think sex should happen on the 2nd date. We all believe what we do is correct and best.
Although, that said, I disagree with you too, as do many others including the books I’ve read. But of course you think sex should happen on the 2nd date. We all believe what we do is correct and best.
Lol. My words always get twisted. IMO sex should happen when the woman feels safe and comfortable with me. If it's date 1 great. If it's date 2 that's ok too. If it gets to date 5,6,7,8 then she doesn't feel comfortable with me and probably will never or she's super uptight and although there is nothing wrong with that it is not for me.
LH - what’s interesting and implicit in your writing is the assumption that YOU will have sex on the first date anytime it’s offered. Maybe you ought to watch Fatal Attraction???
K,
I don’t really look at sex as being offered. I look at it as an end result of two people who have a connection and are attracted to one another. I’ve had my share of one night stands and thankfully to date no one has boiled a bunny in my kitchen. Knock on wood lol.
Well, well, well! Good morning !
Yes, I believe that putting my sex life and choices out there does no good because I know how to decide what is right for me because I am an adult. I don’t have a “rule” I roll as LH does. If it feels right, I will do it. Because I WANT to. When I make the decision it’s because it felt eight to me.
Having so many opinions on my sexual choices clouds my mind.
I only know about this guy what is right in front of me right now. That’s it. So far so good. We are dating and getting to know each other and I’m enjoying it.
As far as the drinking ? He drinks. He’s just a super light weight. I am not. He had wine with me the other night. I do drink more and when I want to party, I want to party. And I do so with my girlfriends and if he doesn’t like that, too bad. But he has not put his 2 cents in yet.
Time will tell a lot of stuff. We see each other again on Sunday night. He’s very sweet to me and excited to see me and we enjoy each other.
The pace is good for me so far.
Way to go G!!! It sounds like you are in a good place with a good guy!
Well, well, well! Good morning !
Yes, I believe that putting my sex life and choices out there does no good because I know how to decide what is right for me because I am an adult. I don’t have a “rule” I roll as LH does. If it feels right, I will do it. Because I WANT to. When I make the decision it’s because it felt eight to me.
Having so many opinions on my sexual choices clouds my mind.
yes.. your life, your decisions.. no one else's concern..
I only know about this guy what is right in front of me right now. That’s it. So far so good. We are dating and getting to know each other and I’m enjoying it.
As far as the drinking ? He drinks. He’s just a super light weight. I am not. He had wine with me the other night. I do drink more and when I want to party, I want to party. And I do so with my girlfriends and if he doesn’t like that, too bad. But he has not put his 2 cents in yet.
Time will tell a lot of stuff. We see each other again on Sunday night. He’s very sweet to me and excited to see me and we enjoy each other.
The pace is good for me so far.
I like that this is working for you gf. xoxoxo keep it up and happy Valentine's Day!
Sigh. I really hate Valentine’s Day. I am pretty down.
And I’ve eaten like a pig today for the first time in a long time. Bacon, French fries, Chinese food, and cake. I ate my feelings.
Tomorrow is a new day. Exercise and eat healthy. And I will not go to the 75 percent Valentine’s Day candy sales
(((Ginger))). Definitely not 75% Valentine’s Day candy sales!!! Sadly...tomorrow is my birthday...lol. Double whammy.
Thank you. The day just makes me down for some reason. Even when I do have a valentine. It’s kind of J’s to do with past valentines days.
E was very sweet yesterday, he gave me a call last night and said he didn’t want V day to go by without talking to me. He said normally, he would have had something delivered to my house and he’s sorry he didn’t. I told him it’s fine, I wasn’t expecting anything and I know we are at that awkward stage for Valentine’s Day. He says he wishes he would have and we are going to have a celebration on Sunday. I told him I look forward to seeing him on Sunday.
Sometimes he likes to talk up what kind of pet we he could be or something he usually does in certain situations. I can’t explain it. I do like that he cares and is concerned about proving he would make a good partner. It’s a little weird, though. But I know action will tell me it all. And for the record, he has no clue about how I feel about V day.
My feelings seem to be all over, but I think we are still learning and dating and that’s going to happen.
Let’s see what he has in store for us tomorrow! Although he isn’t really good at making plans or decisions so he’ll probably leave it up to me. I’m which case I’ll choose the most expensive steakhouse so he will always be decisisve!
Hahaha’ just kidding !
In which case I’ll choose the most expensive steakhouse so he will always be decisisve!
There you go - train him how to treat you!
And yeah, I used to have a bad taste in my mouth about Valentines Day, because my ex never really made it a priority, even when things were good between us. I’ve had much better Valentines days since my divorce.
Yesterday was low key because CMM has been feeling crappy all week. He finished radiation on Wednesday but the radiation- induced enterprise is kicking up - he had diarrhea all day yesterday. Still he managed to get me a card and order roses. He had chicken soup for dinner and I ate the leftover Cornish game hen he’d cooked the night before. We snuggled and I watched a movie in the afternoon while he napped. Sometimes real romance is being there for your partner when they’re sick.
Enteritis not Enterprise - darn autocorrect!
KML, I hope CMM is feeling a little better . Sounds like you guys are going through so much.
Date might with E. Let’s see what he has planned. He was very sweet yesterday. He had to go to the mall and return something ( I knew he was supposed to do it the day before but he never got a round to it). D12 had a security tag left on something she bought from the mall so I had to go back while she hung out with her friends “in town” so I told him I was going to the mall and if he was too maybe we could meet up. He was so cute and went out of his way to try to meet me there, but his scheduling wasn’t allowing it. I told him not to worry about it, I just figured we could meet up if we were both there. It was nice to see the effort.
I was talking to a friend about family blending . There was a time it would have been wonderful. I felt like it was going wonderful with M. Aside from his issues, anyways. But I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t have a loss like that again. So the fact that E’s kids are older brings me a lot of relief. If we end up in a relationship, I’m sure we can all get along. But we won’t be like the Brady hunch, and that is good for me. D12 and are established, his kids do their own thing...... there is just no need.
It would have been beautiful for a few years there. But it didn’t happen. And o don’t think it’s going to happen anymore
G,
Just catching up and I am really sorry you had a rough Valenttines day and it sounds like the effort really is there. Hopefully he is is able to blow your mind in some way tonight.
I agree with the whole Brady Bunch dynamic but probably for diffent reasons. I think it's great that his kids are older because he at least understands what Its like to have kids.
I'm not sure why but I think things are moving fast here so I hope you are able to gain clarity to see if this guy is G worthy.
Have a great time tonight Ginger!!! Hopefully it makes up for the crappy V Day. Also hope it helps to know you were not alone in that. Pretty sure there were millions of us all over the world feeling the same way. We shoulda had a party!!! (((HUGS)))
It would have been beautiful for a few years there. But it didn’t happen. And o don’t think it’s going to happen anymore
Or it could have been horrible. You know the Brady Bunch was a fantasy, right? My sister was the best stepmom to her stepdaughter, but due to how her parents raised the girl. Her mom blamed my sister for the breakup of her marriage even though it broke up because SHE cheated on HIM and my sister didn’t come along until they were divorced. Her father was weekend Disneyland dad who would never correct her rude behavior to my sis. In fact, while my sister was killing herself working two jobs 60 hours a week to pay off their debts, he was still sending several hundred dollars a month to her, even though she was 28, working, and living with her fiancé. SHE certainly wasn’t working two jobs.
Now that her father has died, she’s mad at my sister for things completely out of her control (my sister had to sell their rental house instead of rent it to stepdaughter because it was in such horrible condition it needed over $100k of work just to make it safe to live in) . I’m sure she also thought she would have gotten her inheritance now ( my sister was married to her father over twenty years, she will need those assets that they built together for her own retirement, but has every intention of including stepdaughter equally in her own will with her own two daughters).
I’m not exaggerating when I say my sister is a saintly person. Stepdaughter has cut her out of her life entirely, and my sister is only beginning to see that may be a good thing.
I just tell you this to counter that Brady Bunch fantasy you had. Step parenting isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be.
Who wants to hear something kind of crazy about our date?
We went to this restaurant suggested by his BBall buddies. It’s a few towns over. So we get there and get seated next to a coworker of mine whom I love. She’s an older woman, our hospice liaison and one of the best hospice nurses I’ve ever known. So we do introductions . E mentions the town he lives in and my coworker points to her husband and says he is a high school teacher there. Well, it turns out it is his sons favorite teacher ever, so E introduces himself. He wrote the letter of recommendations for his son to get into college.
It is just too small of a world.
So, um, he told me that he called me something today when talking to his eldest son and he used a certain word. Hint: it’s not derogatory .
I’m guessing you all could guess what that word is. And I’m still processing that. And please, let me process that. I know some might say too soon, and I don’t really know, but I have to figure that out for myself. I kind of like it. But I’ve never really had anyone who was so enthusiastic about that. And enthusiastic about spending time with me and doing things with me. It’s exciting and kind of scary all at once.
There is something completely different about this, I don’t know what it is. It’s scary and I’m still processing it. I feel completely different than I ever have before with anyone else. And I can’t put my finger on it, it’s good though. But incredibly scary. I don’t know why
It seems to me it’s because he treats you well, is up front about how he feels about you and it has the beginnings of something that could actually turn into something long term... and you aren’t having to fold yourself into a pretzel or “spackle” to make it fit. Yes...early days...but...seems pretty good so far. And the small world part is cool...a “sign” perhaps??? Everything happens for a reason, IMO. Enjoy Ginger. You deserve it!!!
So he used the G word on G in a safe indirect way. I would have been willing to bet some serious stakes that this was going to happen in the next two dates. I don’t think this changes anything for you because you weren’t dating anyone else anyways. Go at a pace you’re comfortable with. Everything seems to be going well and I am happy for you. You deserve a really great guy who treats you well!
Interesting, G. You’re dating someone who loves hard and is all in and you find it - scary?
Oh wait, that’s YOU who does that, right?
When you’re used to being the pursuer who is always one down, it can be strange at first to be on the receiving end of someone actually pursuing YOU.
Enjoy it - he sounds nice and appropriate. Hopefully it will all continue to work out nicely. He’s a guy who knows who his kid’s favorite teacher is!
But even if it doesn’t work out, take a lesson from this. You may have overwhelmed some guys in the past by loving too hard too fast. I don’t think this guy is doing this - he sounds nice and normal - but if you’re ever back in the dating pool again, use this experience to remember why we have always been telling you not to come on so strong in the beginning.
There is something completely different about this, I don’t know what it is. It’s scary and I’m still processing it. I feel completely different than I ever have before with anyone else. And I can’t put my finger on it, it’s good though. But incredibly scary. I don’t know why
I know why, and I'm not telling!
Enjoy the ride honey.
New Thread:
All new to me