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Trials and tribulations of datingThat escalated quickly!
He has no idea what I’m doing tonight and I won’t be responding to texts. But it is pretty amazing how interested he became and I know he’s wondering what I’m doing.
My time is my time, whether plans are boring or fun. I’m not going to jump .
Everything is finally coming together. I think I’m getting it because I’m feeling it
G.....good for you. It's just about 5 pm your time. You are dark the rest of the night, do not respond to anything!! If he texts you make him wonder, it will kill him not knowing
Good for you Ginger!!! I’m taking notes...lol. Also drinking a glass of wine and about to get into my pjs.... (((HUGS)))
He didn’t reach out to me, but I found about 2 hours after my last text he “liked” one of the texts I sent earlier. Which means he was looking at them.
Going to show my value. I really don’t like game playing, but I realize I need to earn some respect and let guys know they need to value me and my time, else it’s a no go. I’ll always give back the same respect but it’s a 2 way street.
Honestly, he is kind of dorky in a really cute way. Certainly not smooth as butter, i think he’s trying to be but doesn’t know how.
I have a week off of work, yayyyyyyy! I have an interview Monday morning for a second job. Which I should get, because it’s the exact same job I do now and they won’t have to train me at all. Unless the days they want don’t add up with what I can give.
My dad and stepmom are coming today, we are going VIP at the devils game tonight, with D12. Free food. Sit right at the bar! And dad is driving. And he never lets me pay. I’ll probably buy one round. They are honoring the 2000 Stanley cup team. I was at all the home games for that playoff series. It was a super good memory for me.
Dad and his wife are staying over until Monday. Tomorrow we are going to watch the Super Bowl and pray one of us wins a pool. D12 is going to go to her aunts that lives 5 minutes away because it’s more fun over there with other kids ( her dad will be there) and Monday, we are going to go lease a new car probably. Mine needs expensive work and I’m in a very good position to lease now as I drive no where. I prefer leasing over fixing cars. Works better for me.
Tuesday night is date night and Thursday is spa day with one of my beauties.
I need this like you couldn’t even imagine. I’m burnt out
Oh, and again, D13 made honor roll! All A’s and 2 B’s and that one B was half a point shy of an A. She actually loves school but won’t admit it. Her teachers are all great and keep her interested. She may not be an athlete or have any desire to be one, but that kid is definitely academically inclined.
G....its all about how you frame it in your mind. You did have plans, you had things that you wanted to get done. No matter how big or small you had plans. Sure being vague, etc. Is a little bit of gamesmanship but everyone does that to a certain extent. Now just be prepared if he asks you what you did last night. Anyway, now that he knows I bet he changes how he interacts moving forward.
Enjoy your week off. Sounds like you've got a lot going on over the weekend into Monday. Good luck on the interview. I'm sure you will do just fine and they will offer you the job.
Congratulations to your daughter on making the honor roll. She's a very smart young lady. You have so much to be proud of.
Hope you find a car that you like and can lease it very quickly.
Enjoy your time off!
Sounds like you have a great week planned Ginger!!! Well done with the new guy. I think you have definitely taught him how he needs to treat you. I’ll be interested to hear how Tuesday goes. Hope you have a great time!! (((HUGS)))
It’s fortuitous that your dad was coming this weekend!
When I first started talking to CMM I was genuinely very busy, and then I was out of town for a week for a conference. He was REALLY ready to meet me when I was finally available.
He’s texted me he is waiting for Tuesday. Then called me on the phone. I think he likes me.
On another note. I just saw a pick of M and his son for the first time since and I’m in tears. They went to that indoor ski slope with his brother and his sister in law. I miss them. I hope this is a normal reaction
(((Ginger))). How did you see a pic of M and son?? I would try to avoid that as much as possible if I were you.
It appears your decision to turn down Tuesday guy’s last minute invite has paid off in spades!! He has definitely doubled down on his interest level...lol. Keep playing it cool. I so admire your decision to do that when I’m sure you would have probably enjoyed going out on Friday. Good for you!!
I’m still friends with M’s brother on IG. He never really posts. But today’s story was a selfie of the 4 of them. First time. It knocked me for a loop. God how I miss them all. Not as much M, I wish he was someone who he wasn’t. But he is who he is and that was someone incapable of loving me fully . But god how I miss the little man. And his bro and sis in law. We got along so well. M was the only one who didn’t like me as much. Go figure.
Anyways, I don’t know, but by turning this new guy down Friday, he’s all about ginger. Can’t wait to see me on Tuesday. We will see how date number 2 goes.
He’s really cute. Not my usual. I’m pretty sure he weighs less than me and my feet are bigger ( on his defense, I have big feet) but he’s intelligent, funny, and carry’s a very good conversation. I have to remember it took me 3 dates to really be into M.
I do hate that I miss M. Well, everything attached to him. I just want that to go away.
LH, are you alive????
Well G....if it doesnt work out with this guy at least it's good practice for the next. I am so glad you have changed it up a bit.
As far as M goes.......he liked you, and most likely loved you. He just wasnt mature enough or ready for something serious. He did you a favor though as you know.
There was one time I got pretty miffed at M because he questioned a parenting decision. All I was doing was switching my day with the ex so we could spend time together. He thought I wasn’t putting my daughter first. I got super p!ssed because I always put my daughter first. He apologized saying he has such a hard time switching from his ex to loving me the way he does. I believed he loved me but didn’t know how. And I guess that’s why I am so sad. But It’s over and done.
I do think I’m learning a thing or two with this guy. I noticed when my attitude changed, so did his. May work out, may not, but that’s what dating is for, right?
That’s the ticket Ginger!!! I’m learning right along with you. Looking forward to hearing how your date goes on Tuesday. (((HUGS)))
That’s right G.....it’s all how you frame it in your mind. As the Coach says......rejection breeds obsession.
M was not evolved enough to realize......you don’t date someone for a year and not feel something for them or be attracted to them.
I do think I’m learning a thing or two with this guy. I noticed when my attitude changed, so did his.
Oh for crying out lou.... THAT's ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ what we've been trying to tell you for a couple years now!
Certainly not defending M but I think J9 has a good point. I do think M really loved you but I don’t think he was evolved enough to know how to show it or deal with it. It’s sad, really, but you deserve a man who has done the work and KNOWS how to love.
No, dawn, that’s exactly how I feel. That’s why a part of my heart still hurts. I believe he truly loved me. And I truly loved him. He just really wasn’t evolved enough to appreciate it and know what to do with it. It breaks my heart sometimes.
But I can’t change what is. Focusing on the future and yeah Don, I’ts clicking. I’m a slow learner
sweetie, it doesn't matter how long it takes one to learn the lesson. We are all on our own journey. The point is, by George I think you've got it! xoxoxo
Good....so no more talk about M.........
Ok, I promise, no more.
Can I talk about the $250 I won in the super bowl pool???? Woot woot! 0 and 0 are good numbers.
Might have a new job and a new car today. Let’s see how the day goes
Wow nice! Things are looking up G.
Well, just had my interview. I pretty much got the job. I’m going to be a very busy woman running on empty, but at least I’ll have money!!!
Whoop! Whoop! ((Ginger1))
Sounds like your day is going great!!! Congratulations Ginger!!!
Enjoy your day and hope the job is yours. Good luck on finding the car you want. Congratulations on winning some money last night!
Thanks! I guess you can say things are going well.
I already heard I got the job and can start like tomorrow. I probably will give them Friday and Saturday to train, so much for my whole week off, but whatever. Mixed feelings about this of course. I’m already spread thin, but I just got to bust it out for at least a year and pay stuff off and fix somethings at home.
Date locked down for tomorrow. Dinner and a movie. Should be nice.
Good luck G.....no boom boom!
Oh and congratulations!!!!!
Thanks! I need the extra money. I’ll only have 5 day’s off per month. Funny, when I began seeing M, I had just accepted my second position. Now I’m trying my hand at dating again, and there goes the little time I had.
I am not even feeling the boom boom yet. I think it might take me more dates than usual. I told him if he was lucky, I’d let him hold my hand during the movie.
I am skeptical. I think about LH’s sitch a little. He’s 16 months out. I imagine his fun dating around time hasn’t ended. I know he’s done a lot of dating. But how many guys want to settle down again after 20+years of marriage and being single for only 16 months? I’m realistic about this. I’m just going to go with the flow though. Once I feel it is t serving me and the directions aren’t the same, I will get out.
And with this new job which will suck me dry of energy and time, I’ll probably quit the dating again.
My life is generally “work work work” and I don’t want to just fool around with anyone. I wish I did. I’d just like the guy for the occasional cuddle on the couch watching Tv. I’m so boring now.
But how many guys want to settle down again after 20+years of marriage and being single for only 16 months?
Depends on the guy and why the marriage broke down.
My ex jumped back into a long-term relationship 9 months after we split (after a previous failed daing relationship where he figured out he didn't want to raise someone else's kid, I think). He's an extrovert and hated living alone and probably figured out pretty quickly that being single and dating wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He married her and they've been together now for 9 years I think.
I think guys who were previously in pretty good marriages (even my ex, who left) look to recreate that. I know guys who were widowed tend to remarry sooner than women.
congrats on the new gig G
There’s a lot of guys from here fresher then me in relationships. J9, Ballast, Two Feet, Harvey, wolfman come to mind.
I don’t see why we make such a big deal about boom boom when we are in our 40s and 50s?
I don’t want to be like the wolf mans woman. I could not in any way shape or form put up with that. He is in no place to be dating at all. M was not ready and didn’t deal with his demons. I have endless
I’ve done just the boom boom. But I’m finding I need an emotional connection to enjoy unless the guy is drool worthy is smooth as hell. The way into my pants is through my heart these days.
Sigh.
The way into my pants is through the zipper.
Sigh
Maybe just play it lightly and seek other guys as well that are out of their divorces a bit longer. Take it day by day and just see what happens. Any one else appealing that you are matching with? Just because you have a second date with someone you are not super excited about, doesn’t mean to stop writing to other guys.
I’m with you in that I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone unless I felt there was a potential for a future. You can ask him on your 2nd date, what he’s looking for and maybe if it’s different just don’t waste your time.
Also my advise to change some stuff up is let him pay on Tuesday. You never let guys do that. But It’s also a establishing your value thing. I loved the advise that hawho gave you - that your not playing games but teaching someone how to treat you. I also like J’s suggestion not to mention that he needs to make plans early with you. Let him figure it out through your actions. And then figure out whether you like him by his actions.
I know I’m one of the more conservative (dating wise) posters on here but I Think there is value to traditional approaches too. Of course it depends on the individuals too.
There’s a lot of guys from here fresher then me in relationships. J9, Ballast, Two Feet, Harvey, wolfman come to mind.
I don’t see why we make such a big deal about boom boom when we are in our 40s and 50s?
I found out quickly that I don't like dating, or at least in the age group that I date in I found all sorts of hidden train wrecks, but maybe that is people in general. I admit I haven't been dating for years rather about 6 months. My exw and I have been done for almost a year and a half now. They lady I am with now well we both were going to give up dating and stay single when we met through a friend. We started hanging out and it eventually all fell into place. Neither of us are looking to get married or blend families. I dunno when you find a someone that likes to do the same things as you all the while treating you nice.... it just works.
I'm in my late 30s and I like all guys enjoy boom boom, however I am no longer like a hound on the scent. Things just changed after D.
ThAnks for sharing that, two feet. I imagine a guy wants to settle down again, it’s not an impossible thought, even after 16 months separated. I don’t think he would turn a good thing away to go sleep with random internet girls. I think I am just getting ahead of myself and making assumptions. I’m happy to have someone who wants to spend time with me and just enjoy doing stuff together.
We were talking on the phone tonight ( he actually calls me) and he made a joke “ if we end up together .....” so I guess it isn’t out of his realm.
It’s just a second date tomorrow. Sushi and a movie. And he bought the tickets for the movie. I’m going to pay for dinner only because we had a deal. I’m letting him pick me up at my house because it’s too weird to go to 2 different places and have to follow each other . But he won’t be invited in after. Not there yet!
G...if they find the right woman. That's what happened to me....I had some really dark days but I knew the doc was a catch.
Just remember G....make him work for it. He is the man, he should do the majority of the paying at least until you are in an official relationship. When the doc and I go out I still like to pay and she lets me. She makes up for it in other ways but when I take her out I feel it's my responsibility.
Who made the deal that you would pay for dinner (the most expensive part!) and he would pay for
Movies?? You gott stop doing that girl.
If he can’t pay for the date at least the first few times out then he’s not interested/financially stable enough for you to date. Let a guy take you out a couple times then offer him a delicious home cooked meal. Going Dutch is fine once you’re in a relationship but you need to let the guy pay the first couple times.
Yes! Sushi is so expensive! Why would you pay for that when he pays for the movie tickets? Let him be the pursuer, let him court you. Remember? Your changing things up here this time. He invited you and did the asking right?
I know, I know. What happened was we were telling each other our Super Bowl pool numbers and I said, if I win, I’ll treat, if you win, you’ll treat, just having some fun.
I won. Twice! But this sushi isn’t expensive. We have a place in our tiny town that is yelp famous and the top 100 places to eat on the US. Food is great and their specials are even greater! But I know that’s not the point. Shouldn’t have made the bet. I’m learning. If he asks me out for this weekend ( I’ll let him take the lead on that too, he can most certainly pay.
Please don’t let me read in newcomers anymore. It’s a glimpse into the dating pool and it’s messing with my head big time. Men who come right out of toxic codependent relationships and days later have a new “partner”? And other guys cheer this on?
I think I need to stay outta there. It scares me.
It’s ok G.....just remember to let him court you. It’s date number 2 and you’re still in the evaluation period.
Please don’t let me read in newcomers anymore. It’s a glimpse into the dating pool and it’s messing with my head big time. Men who come right out of toxic codependent relationships and days later have a new “partner”? And other guys cheer this on?
I think I need to stay outta there. It scares me.
You know I don’t cheer it on and try to prevent it.
are you kidding me? if I read that i'd need a shower.
to cleanse the grossness off of me, not because it was exciting, just to be clear!
I think that the fear of being un-partnered is a big factor for most people. I strongly suspect that the OM in my own case was drawn to my now ex after the pain of his wife's death and the related void.
But as we here on this thread would undoubtedly agree - "fixing yourself" by using another person as a band-aid isn't healthy. But it is done all the time. I recall my own sisters constantly needing to have "a man" in their lives when younger - and in some cases the choices that they made were certainly eye-rollingly bad.
From what I understand men are even worse - finding themselves incapable of coping with the "empty space" they have. I know that I certainly felt that emptiness for a long while.
I think that as we age that it gets worse for me and easier for women to be comfortable on their own.
Rebound relationships are usually not good for either person involved but they happen all the time. Everyone knows rebounds are bad unless they are involved in one
It is also unfair to just judge just one person. A relationship takes two people so the 'new partner' is responsible too.
Every situation is unique though. Some people start relationships with others while still 'happily' married, some when the marriage starts to go downhill, some immediately when the marriage ends and others wait a long time after the end. It is hard to say how much a person has detached from their previous relationship just based on the length of time. As Andrew said, the ability to GAL without needing a romantic partner often plays a big part.
Hope you have a fun time on your date tonight, G. Just relax and go with the flow. While I agree with everyone who said you shouldn't be buying dinner and he should be treating you, particularly in the beginning, I do admire you for putting it out there that you would treat him if you won and now you are following through with what you said. But, moving forward, don't do that! Make him ask and treat if there is a date 3. And, make him plan it while you are at it to get a feel for how he handles things.
I do believe every situation is unique. But I for the life of me can’t see a person who was ready to pop a ring on the finger of a person one day, and the next be “in a relationship” with another.”
And I absolutely agree, it takes 2. What kind of person involves themselves so deeply with someone who was just in love with another person?
I could have a boyfriend tomorrow and be in a relationship. No prob. And I do really want a relationship but a healthy one. Not because someone is scared to be alone, or doesn’t know how to be alone, or needs something from me. And yes, for me, it’s really tough to see there are a lot of guys out there who just cannot and will be not be alone who and are in I’ve with a person one second and on to the the next a few days later. I never want to be that woman .and that’s my issue I guess.
I’ve been on DB longer than I care to admit. And it seems the focus has changed so much.
And maybe for that reason I’ll be alone for quite a few more years. But I guess I would rather be. That’s how we are all unique I guess
Anyways, I’ll probably stay off there for my own mental health for a while.
And in less than 2 hours I’ll be on my date. I’m slightly nervous actually. I don’t know why. I usually don’t get nervous.
G,
Lol. You’re all caught up with CW but he is not the norm. I stopped posted on his thread because he’s a strange cat. For every CW there are 9 normal dudes like J9, Maika and myself who are trying to do the right thing and navigate the process with minimal collateral damage.
G,
Lol. You’re all caught up with CW but he is not the norm. I stopped posted on his thread because he’s a strange cat. For every CW there are 9 normal dudes like J9, Maika and myself who are trying to do the right thing and navigate the process with minimal collateral damage.
You guys give me hope that the eligible pool isn’t totally F’d. I’d be lucky to get a dateline one of you guys
I just need to have a nice relaxed time tonight and chill the F out
G,
Enjoy yourself and have a great time!
Have a great time. Relax and breathe! Look at it as just a date and keep your expectations low. After all, you are still interviewing him to see if he's a good person to date more frequently.
Have fun G!!! Relax and enjoy!!
Have a great time tonight Ginger!!! I'll be thinking of you!!! xo
I’ve been on DB longer than I care to admit. And it seems the focus has changed so much.
Boy ain’t that the truth!!!!!
Lol. You’re all caught up with CW but he is not the norm. I stopped posted on his thread because he’s a strange cat.
Oh, I thought for sure you referring to another thread of late here on Krazytown. My mistake. So many to try and keep straight.
For every CW there are 9 normal dudes like J9, Maika and myself who are trying to do the right thing and navigate the process with minimal collateral damage.
Let’s not get carried away here. Care to sight a source for that 9 normal out of 10 statistic?
Humor, sarcasm, just joking.... well mostly.
And date #2 is in the books! He picked me up and we went for a nice sushi dinner. We then went to see a movie and the theater has reclining seats and you can lift the armrest up and make it a love seat. So we did. And I snuggled up next to him and we held hands. And he was so cute, when I had my head on his shoulder, he would kiss my head so gently.
Oh, and get this: he came around to my side of the car and opened the door for me!! No one has done that for me in like a million years.
We came back to my place and made out. But no boom boom. I really wanted boom boom, but it’s just not time yet. And he was very respectful of stopping things when I said I’m not ready for this to go further. He so sweet about it.
He’s really a very sweet, respectful
Guy. I’m definitely attracted to him. He’s good looking. He dresses nice. He also keep saying I look like I’m on my 20’s, so he gets points there, lol.
There will be a next date, we haven’t made it yet. There was a lot “next time” and “one day” and he kept
Telling my dog he’ll be back.
My attraction definitely grew on this date. I like him. I find myself much more guarded this time around though. I just know at any moment without warning, the good can disappear. But I am living in the moment and am looking forward to the next date!
And I can’t begin to tell you how good it felt to be kissed, hugged and touched again. I missed it. And I was afraid I wouldn’t like the way it felt with a new guy. Oh, but I did. And something feels very natural and comfortable between us. It just feels so good
That is soooo awesome Ginger. And I know there will be a chorus of “be carefuls” and “slow downs”, etc... but from one hopeless romantic to another... I’m super happy for you. It’s about time you had a great night out like that. You completely deserve it!!! (((HUGS)))
I'm soooo happy for you! All sounds absolutely positive!
Nice work G! I also liked that you held out on boom boom, imo it displays your value. I would prefer you wait until date 4 but if he is already in your house on date 3 then that might be hard.
Still only 2 dates, continue to let him come to you, and let him ask you out/initiate. Dont deprive him of the opportunity to court you.
Thank you guys so much! It was awesome. I am going to try to hold out u til the 4th, but no guarantees. I think he had respect for me doing so last night which was good.
I did find out a little more about his divorce. He said it was very amicable. He said he has never ever cheated and his ex never did either. However. He did say she told him “if we don’t divorce one of us is going to cheat” and he said he would have never, but clearly she was. She was telling me about how she has her new found spiritual career and is a “past life regressionist” he said it was too much when he was getting yelled at for stuff he did in another life in the 1400’s. I was cracking up. And he was too, but he was actually serious! This stuff happened! He seems fine with the divorce though. I think the hardest part was him having to give up his house. They sold it. His kids live with him so his 17 year old son can finish out his school year in the same school. His other son lives on campus in state but comes back often. But they do have their own lives and he has freedom. More than me, of course, but he doesn’t seem to be bothered .
I can tell his does like to be the man and court me. And next date is all him, I’m going to let him pay away, hold doors, all that stuff. I like it.
Something so stupid but I like that he is 5’8” we can hold hands comfortable without my arm being held up in the air like it was with Mr. 6’3” I thought it would be hard to get used to the fact he is just a small framed thin guy. Because even though I’m short, I’m curvy and I have muscle. I thought I might not feel that “safe” comfy feeling in his arms. But I most certainly did.
I’m going to try to not get too excited. But I think it’s a good thing when you do look forward to the next date.
It all sounds good G....just be patient and take it all in, observing and listening. I think the Doc bought drinks or paid for something on date 5. I also think I was invited inside her house on date 4 and on date 5 is when well you know.
Also, don't forget your ages. I know, I know it's just a number but you being 11 years younger is strongly working in your favor. Make sure you use that to your benefit.
Something so stupid but I like that he is 5’8” we can hold hands comfortable without my arm being held up in the air like it was with Mr. 6’3” I thought it would be hard to get used to the fact he is just a small framed thin guy. Because even though I’m short, I’m curvy and I have muscle. I thought I might not feel that “safe” comfy feeling in his arms. But I most certainly did.
glad it went well! and woo hoo.... hope for us shorter dudes!
Sounds like this guy knows how to be a proper gentleman. I used to laugh thinking about my ex-wife standing in front of a door and wondering why it didn't open itself.
He also respects boundaries which means that he's looking at this as something he wants to nurture and grow vs just the - ahem - boom boom.
I agree with the others. Make him (and more importantly you) wait for a bit before the horizontal olympics. Not as game playing, but to try to get the measure of him outside of that high chemical rush. I don't recall with S - but I think it was well over a month or so with dates twice a week before we got there. That was I think more me than her though.
Good news though Ginger! Have a great day and try too hard to not be grinning like an idiot for the "entire" day
I'm glad you had fun, but remember this was one date. Slow down. Sorry to be a bummer. Love you and want you to be happy, and also want you to be safe. xoxoxo
First and foremost, glad you had fun and things went as well as they did. I don’t want to be the one to rain on your parade, but I second what bttrfly said....it was one date, so slow down a little. 2 days ago, you posted that even though he was picking you up, he wouldn’t be invited in after because you were “not there yet” (your words) and now you are full steam ahead making out and saying you are going to try to wait until date 4 but no guarantees. Girl, you’re giving me whiplash. I mean, it is ok if you suddenly realized you were far more attracted than you originally thought but take it slow, let him court, bask in the newness and being treated like a queen.
It was my second date, guys. And I said I would not invite him in for sexy time. We didn’t do anything too naughty. Innocent making out. And just on my couch. A lot was left to the imagination . We aren’t moving anywhere fast. We are having dates. That’s it! And I am enjoying it! It’s fun to go out on dates. And he will do the courting and he can ask me out again. I am enjoying to newness. We are two healthy adults with attraction, but I’m not giving it up right away. And he is totally cool with that. He legit likes me. And I like him. And that’s all it is now. But yes, my attraction is growing
Lol. Prudes. Look if he likes you he will want to keep seeing you sexy time or not. Do what feels natural.
Did he get to second base lol?
He legit likes me. And I like him. And that’s all it is now. But yes, my attraction is growing
Those are Andrew's last words (change the gender of course). Now he's referring to S as the "old ball and chain." Are you Andrew's protégé?
It was my second date, guys. And I said I would not invite him in for sexy time.
Actuallly that’s not what you said! Here is what you said, word for word.
I’m letting him pick me up at my house because it’s too weird to go to 2 different places and have to follow each other . But he won’t be invited in after. Not there yet!
Do you even remember what you said? Watch what they say and not what they do... works both ways. I hate to rip this off since it just was, but it feels like Ground Hog Day around here at times. I know I’ve ridden this ride before. Are you even aware what you say and what you do don’t often match up? I’m with Dawn, you’re giving me whiplash. I also worry a bit about bringing a stranger from OLD to your house after only meeting him once.
I too am glad you had a nice date I really am. You deserve it I just see the same old Ginger off to the races again on date #2. This is not the first. Perhaps it’s going to be what it’s going to be and expecting change is foolish on my part. My main point was to show that you didn’t follow what you said even if you think you did. I’m in SLOW DOWN camp, but you already knew that.
He legit likes me. And I like him. And that’s all it is now. But yes, my attraction is growing
Those are Andrew's last words (change the gender of course). Now he's referring to S as the "old ball and chain." Are you Andrew's protégé?
I missed this before posting but ooooh, wow, ouch!!!!! But an interesting question, although I don’t think this guy is still married.
I have no idea how this honestly being interpreted. Second date, very nice, shared some nice kisses, clothes on, in living room, I pulled the breaks, we hung out and chatted and he went on his merry way? What I meant was he wouldn’t be invited in for sexy time. And if I felt that it was going to happen, he wouldn’t have come in. But he is very respectful . I knew that when I said no, there would be zero pressure. And I was right.
Am I doing this all wrong because I let him in and we missed for a little while?
I am honestly completely just confused. I don’t know how to slow down anymore.
I didn’t make myself available for the second date. I turned him down. We went out again. He went back to his house and nothing “naughty” went on.
I’m lost. I can’t seem to get this right. It’s quite honestly extremely frustrating.
Would think I screwed this guy on the first date, told him I loved him and eloped in Vegas.
G,
To be honest with you I think you did just fine. I would have been ok if you slept with him. That’s what grown ups who are attracted to one another do on second dates.
You did good girl!
I don’t know that you’re doing “it” wrong and am not even saying you are. Just saying what you say and what you do often don’t match and you seem to go from zero to 60 in minutes. Yes you backed off for like a day. He may be a legit great guy but I can tell you it’s less often that typical that a girl snuggles up to me on the second date like we’ve been dating for months but when it does happen I know what I’m thinking - and you even paid for dinner. It’s not wrong it’s just maybe dejavu pegs it when she says you’re a hopeless romantic. And you never seem to have bad dates - until months later that is in hindsight. Just my thought.
This does not negate what appears to be a nice second date just that the jury is way more out than you might already hope. That’s all.
Thank you, LH. Quite honestly, I held myself back. As an adult woman with a high drive , it wasn’t easy. But I am trying to get a feel for the kind of guy he is before I do that. Don- you give off that love avoidant vibe. I thought holding hands is just a sweet gesture which I happen to love. And putting my head on his shoulder isn’t crying love either. He was the one who initiated it by the way. Not me. And I thought he was sweet.
And quite honestly, I’ve had bad dates. However, I would say 98% of the guys have had dates with enjoyed their time with me and wanted another. And I hasn’t even kissed half of them. I’m an enjoyable date. What can I say? I had a horrific date when a guy told me while naked that he felt it was all wrong. That was pretty bad. I’ve learned from that.
I paid for dinner on a bet. Which I shouldn’t have made. But he bought the movie and the bottle of wine.
I think I would be at “60” if we had slept together, I was talking about the future and being the aggressor. All of which is not happening. No second date is made, I did not give him my availability, and I’m letting him be the man here.
I am feeling good. My happiness on part comes from actually feeling in control and doing things differently. I’t feels really really good. I am also very levelheaded here. No expectations. Just enjoying the ride
For the record, M and I did sleep together on the 3 rd date. And I am pretty sure that did not lead to the demise of our relationship a year later
Totally agree with Don. I am truly happy that you had a good day and seem so excited about this guy. And you know what, I actually agree with LH too in that adults who are attracted to each other can and should act on that if they are engaging in open and honest conversations. So like Don, I don’t necessarily think you are getting anything wrong. It is just that from an outside point of view, just like Don pointed out, your words and actions don’t match and I just don’t want you to get caught up, spun out, and hurt again. He sounds like a nice guy and he may very well be perfect for you. And if that is the case, yay for you, G and yay for dude because you are a catch.
I get what you are saying about how we interpreted your own words that he wasn’t getting invited in where you meant not getting invited in for sexy time but that is really neither here nor there. Just a week ago, you were pretty meh about the dude thinking he was blowing you off then when he showed interest and wanted a last minute date, you considered it. Now, he’s great, you felt safe, etc and then when some of us say slow down, you quickly change gears to I like him, he likes me and that’s all it is, nothing more.
I’m really not trying to be negative because I’m glad you had fun and I hope you continue to do so and this works out well for you. It just seems, despite the fact that you have changed some things up (good for you!!!!!!!!), you are getting a bit caught up.
To be honest with you I think you did just fine. I would have been ok if you slept with him.
Well of course you would! Coming from the guy who’s doing Friday, Saturday, Sunday weekends on date 4.
Don- you give off that love avoidant vibe. I thought holding hands is just a sweet gesture which I happen to love. And putting my head on his shoulder isn’t crying love either.
LMAO. This has NOTHING to do with love avoidant at all. In fact many love avoidants will come on strong in the early goings. It’s part of the syndrome. However what you describe I relate more with early love and infatuation not second dates. Might just be me but nothing to do with LA
Well, YES!
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Well, YES!
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Amen, sister! Not the first time I’ve been called that and won’t be the last. I wear it proudly.
So Dawn and BF just so I am aware. In your opinion how long should a woman wait?
I think that’s a very personal choice. I don’t think there is a magic number. For me, I have to be comfortable with someone and I have to know that I’m the only one because I’m not interested in sleeping with someone who is sleeping with 3 or 4 or however many others. For me, it is usually at least 5 dates and lots of texts and phone conversations in the interim. I’m just not a casual sex person. Not that there is anything wrong with that, mind you...just isn’t what I’m into. Now,, to your point, if 2 consenting adults are feeling it, then they should act on it whether it is date 1, 10, or 100. That’s their business. My comments were not based on the fact that I didn’t think G should sleep with dude on 2nd date if she was ready, but more to the point that she was saying one thing and doing something else. I do think, in general, when sex is involved, feelings are mixed up in it for women. Now I am sure some women will say oh no, I can do no strings sex, but in general, I don’t think that’s a natural setting for women. Of course there are exceptions to that.
I think the important thing is that you don't want to be perceived as promiscuous. If you're put in the category of an easy lay, then you probably won't have long term prospects with the person you're dating.
Do you really think that a 40-50 year old woman in 2020 has to worry about being labeled as promiscuous?
Do you really think that a 40-50 year old woman in 2020 has to worry about being labeled as promiscuous?
There are a bunch of husbands in the newcomers forum that would answer "yes" to your question.
D,
I’m not talking about a married woman. Single and available.
D,
I’m not talking about a married woman. Single and available.
It would give me pause for a relationship, yes without a doubt. That's just me though
Me too......it would make me wonder how many other guys has she invited in on date 1 or had sex with.
That said, if that is all I wanted and was looking for, as long as I protected myself, I could care less.
Well, I’m still 39. Maybe that’s why?? Hahaha!
The only thing that is important to me, like really important that if I did have sex early, to not confuse it with an emotional bond. And the reason that I’m choosing to hold out is that I want there to be an emotional connection and not just sex. And I know the difference.
You all got to remember. I have been a dating , single, adult for 12 years. The only other person I slept with was my exH. Sex is going to happen. I wasn’t with this one person for 20 years. It’s a lot different for me. And I have become pretty adept at separating sex from a bond. Trust me, I would love to have sex with one person for the rest of my life ( just not my ex because he was awful)
Anyways, I have respect for “prudes” I have respect for those who like sex and practice it safely.
On an unrelated note, I just kicked @ss and pushed my body to a limit that I didn’t think I could. I held out a really good run pace today without stopping. I thought I might die a few times but I did. I’m getting back to shape again and I haven’t felt this good since 2 years ago before the injuries and surgery.
It’s a win for me.
For the record, M and I did sleep together on the 3 rd date. And I am pretty sure that did not lead to the demise of our relationship a year later
Are you? Maybe if he had had to work for it in the beginning of the relationship he wouldn't have taken you for granted. Or maybe if he had had to work for it in the beginning he wouldn't have put out the effort and you would have known then, instead of a year later, that he wasn't willing to put out the effort.
Slow down. Find out more about this guy. What did you learn about him last night besides that he has good manners and seems to be a physical touch love language guy? What does he do for a living? What are his ambitions? Why did his marriage really break down? What are his medical issues (says the woman with the boyfriend with stage 4 lung cancer)? I know you weren't interrogating him last night, but you must have learned SOME things about him, right? You are doing your research right now, what have you learned?
Look, I'm not averse to a roll in the hay early on - I've done it. But it's not a good strategy if you're looking for a long term relationship, and honestly, it'll lead to mistakes because really, how much can you know about a guy after 1 or 2 dates? And since you get attached so easily, it'd be better to keep your eyes clear until you know more about this guy. Plus you've already seen how making yourself a little less available resulted in him stepping up a little bit. Step back and see what he does next. If he calls you for a last minute date again, you're already booked. If he calls you and makes a date in advance like a respectful, interested guy, take it. But go out, let him pay, and no hanky panky yet.
Sooooooooooooooo just to clarify. Date 2 leads to the “cucumber patch squat” and you guys are out long term because you think she may be promiscuous?
If that’s true. GROW UP!!!!!!!!?
I'm not saying anything judgy about promiscuity. I've slept with people on a first date and not regretted it. BUT we are trying to get G to do something different as her old way of being is not working for her. And many women get too attached once that oxytocin from sex kicks in, and then end up not seeing all the red flags they should be seeing. She needs to learn to let a guy work to woo her, not be so easy. It helps to weed out the guys who are just looking for a convenient lay. Because unfortunately many guys will date a willing woman even if she's not the one for him, as a convenience for sex until the right one comes along. G has had too many experiences like that. And most men, for whatever its worth, seem to value the women they have to work hard to get, more than the ones who make it too easy for them. Waiting a couple more dates before having sex gives her time to find out more about him, if he's worthy, if he's hiding anything, if he's interested enough to keep pursuing her.
K,
Yeah no I get it. I just got off on a tangent. No pun intended lol.
Sex has never got me attached. Maybe once, a long time ago. I’m a big girl now. And a very self aware woman who is willing to own up to mistakes, and learn .
My issues were my poor choices and expecting more out of men who could not give anymore and I just kept trying. And that’s where I have went wrong. I have dated a bunch of men who can’t handle what I have to offer. And they didn’t deserve me. The right one will handle all the great and not so great parts of me. And the difference for me will not be me not being afraid to lose them if they aren’t giving what I need.
I learned a lot about E. I know all about his parents, his job, his hobbies. And he knows about mine as well. He likes to know about me. And we are dating and learning each other. That’s it right now. And it’s fun. And I’m smiling. And it feel friggin good. And it’s not clouding my judgement.
I’m a smart lady. Emotionally intelligent. And I’m going to continue to be
Clearly when it comes to sex, like minded people attract like minded people. There are men like LH who don’t see a woman as being promiscuous if sex happens on the first date. Then, there are men who are turned off by having sex quickly. And I am sure the same goes for women. I personally would not date a guy long term who tried to sleep with me faster than my comfort level. But then again, I would not sleep with any guy on the first few months (unless I ran into Keanu Reeves at Target - and I DO look for him). If a guy is trying to get with me that fast then basic law of probability is he is hooking up A LOT. And that’s not a turn on for me. So, I am looking for like minded men and have always passed on those who don’t fit this bill.
To me, the bigger issue is, while you are enjoying dating G. (as you well should!), are you sure you are really evaluating this guy thoroughly vs. just getting more interested quickly because he is showing interest? I guess I just want to plant the seed that if you’ve been on your own and really want a long term relationship (which is totally understandable), are you just ready to make it happen quickly if a guy shows potential? How high is the bar?
You are the prize. You are to determine if this guy is worthy of you because you are the full package. The question is, is HE worthy of you long term?
So just for trying you get banished. Then if I guy doesn’t try the woman may think he isn’t attracted to her.
Can’t win sometimes.
No no. The man has many ways of showing attraction outside of being an octopus! Body language, eye contact, saying “I’d really like to see you again” etc.
Flirting!
So Dawn and BF just so I am aware. In your opinion how long should a woman wait?
oh boy.
Well, will preface that with two statements:
1. I've only slept with two guys and my last real first date was in June 1989
2. I'm a unicorn
that being said, first time I waited 8 months (poor S didn't know what to do with me or himself); second time ... was gob-smacked by love at first sight, waited all of 3 weeks, maybe 5 or 6 dates and I married him.
Now? I got no idea about such things. Feeling my way through this morass.
I think that’s a very personal choice. I don’t think there is a magic number. For me, I have to be comfortable with someone and I have to know that I’m the only one because I’m not interested in sleeping with someone who is sleeping with 3 or 4 or however many others. For me, it is usually at least 5 dates and lots of texts and phone conversations in the interim. I’m just not a casual sex person. Not that there is anything wrong with that, mind you...just isn’t what I’m into. Now,, to your point, if 2 consenting adults are feeling it, then they should act on it whether it is date 1, 10, or 100. That’s their business. My comments were not based on the fact that I didn’t think G should sleep with dude on 2nd date if she was ready, but more to the point that she was saying one thing and doing something else. I do think, in general, when sex is involved, feelings are mixed up in it for women. Now I am sure some women will say oh no, I can do no strings sex, but in general, I don’t think that’s a natural setting for women. Of course there are exceptions to that.
what she said.
Of course men aren’t “banished” for trying, but as HaWho said, there are plenty of ways to show attraction without being handsy. This is where the whole being an adult thing comes into play and both people have to honestly communicate. If y’all both feel it on date 1, do it. If one of you doesn’t feel it, the onus is on that person to be honest.
Well, I sparked controversy.
Hey, whatever floats anyone’s boat. Everyone is an adult there. This is a no judgement zone.
I didn’t sleep with anyone. I am not “all in”. I’m just doing the dating thing and trying to keep it generally uncomplicated. That’s what I am absolutely comfortable and confident at this point in time. I feel good, I feel in control, I feel like o don’t have to jump through hoops to get a guy to like me. I see him as a pretty cool guy I would like to get to know better. Nice and simple
So what DOES he do for a living? What kind of hobbies does he have? Did your dog like him?
I’m going to wait as long as I feel is right for me. And if he decides that o am not relationship worthy because I had sex with him on the 3rd 4th, or 5th date, he simply wasn’t the guy for me.
And as an aside.... I had to get let go of the “number” stigma. I had only slept with my ex. But I have been single in my prime, in my adult life, for 12 years. Average 1-2 partners per year, the number adds up. And for a single, unattached woman for so many of her adult years. That really isn’t a lot.
I wanted one partner for the rest of my life. But it didn’t happen that way. And guess what. My first was the one who gave me the STD. My exH.