It was careful attention to laundry instructions - Dave the Barbarian - Lederhosen of Doom episode.
Prior thread - Adventures while on a coddiwomple
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2882372&page=1So.
Yes.
Ahem.
I'm engaged.
To S.
We were talking on Saturday and S was pressing me on how hard I've been pushing myself trying to keep up with things at home, helping her with her stuff and making time for her. She was very concerned that I was overdoing things to the detriment of my health. She wasn't wrong.
We had talked in vague and general terms for the last while about getting married and what would be entailed. I had already been researching rings and other things (my Facebook ads are all very romantic right now). My original intent was to wait until late summer when her daughter's wedding was out of the way but - as I will - I suddenly decided that there really was no actual reason to keep waiting, got down off the couch on to one knee and asked. She said yes.
S and her S12 stayed over on Tuesday night through in to Wednesday. S12 was wired and waaay over the moon about this. As is S herself. I am a combination of terrified and excited.
On Wednesday over an extended lunch break we went to a local jeweler, went through all the various rings available and S picked a lovely one that matches both my vision, her tastes and yes - my/our budget. I did joke that the bigger rings could be looked at while she mused "it would have been nice to have a honeymoon instead".
After we went to a local park and there by the hot-spring fed pond with the ducks swimming around, under the trees covered in snow. S sat on a bench (getting a cold and wet butt from the snow) and I proposed again. She said yes again.
Those friends and family we've told have been very happy for us. S25 was somewhat surprised but also said that he's very happy too. My D27 still isn't really talking to me and didn't respond when I sent her the news - that's a story that will hopefully play out over time.
S's two boys at home are very pleased and are looking forward to eventually moving to my village. Her oldest daughter is very happy for us and is teasing her own fiancee about the fact that he has yet to get on bended knee and provide a ring despite them having a wedding planned for mid-June. S's middle daughter's reaction was to ask if she could move in to my house and out of her step-dad's place and was told no by her mother (a decision I support). S's oldest son is on Australia and she hasn't been able to connect to him as of yet despite days of trying.
We're keeping things quiet on social media until she's been able to talk to her son. We have pictures.
So - end of mystery.
No dates have been set. Sometime this fall is the current plan. S and I both agree that we don't want to shadow her own daughter's wedding. There is a complication on S's Australian son attending. There are 1001 or more various details and complications to deal with. It will all work out. And yes, her divorce paperwork is already underway. S's STBX is unlikely to be an obstacle to anything as he mentioned to her recently about some of his dating disasters in recent time when they met to sort out various things.
-------------------------------
In other news, S25 is doing well in his new job and is pretty happy about it. Independently of issues at home, he has begun to look for an apartment for himself and his cats closer to work. He's planning on moving probably in April. I've assured him that there is no rush and that he's not being pushed out.
This Sunday we need his help for S's Superbowl party which was already planned as he's the only one who knows how to reliably stream the game (we don't have cable).
---------------------------------
Very concerned about 20-Something. I let her know that I was engaged on Wednesday morning with a "gentle" nudge about her stuff. She congratulated me and then called a bit later. Something rather out of character. She sounded very "off" and had to leave suddenly. She called me a few hours later, still sounding very off and let me know that she's leaving her BF (again) with the help of some good friends. I was to not message her about anything related to that as he's now started regularly going through her phone. She assured me she is safe although I do have my doubts. She will now need furniture she says. Writing that makes me even more worried about her. She has asked me to not tell anyone so I hope that this place counts as not telling anyone as I am sure that nobody here or randomly watching know her.
--------------------------
Before everyone jumps in and lambastes me for moving too fast, picking an inappropriate partner etc, I have indeed taken all opinions on board and considered them carefully. I've also examined my heart carefully too. There are risks in any relationship. No relationship is perfect. What I am confident in though is that both S and I are willing to put in the effort necessary to be a team that faces the future together.
So.
Yes.
Ahem.
I'm engaged.
To S.
Took.
A d*mp.
In my.
Pants.
Ahem.
Congratulations!!!
Andy P congrats man. No comments from me I will leave that to Don.
I want an invite since I’m local and sleeping with one of your country women.
If need be I can bring Mila Kunis Ginger as my date lol.
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit! I would love to say I'm truly shocked, but I'm just kinda shocked. If she were already divorced I wouldn't even be at all shocked, but whatever. I'm not going to lambaste. I'll just say congratulations and I expect a wedding invite. You don't have to factor me into the poutine budget for the reception though. I'll just stop by Tim Horton's and grab me a French vanilla and some Tim bits and call it good. Can Sparky be my +1? We can make it a honeymoon. He does like poutine if that helps you in your decision making.
I would love to say I'm truly shocked, but I'm just kinda shocked.
Dawn,
I wish you'd warned me that there was the slightest probability that Andrew would pop the question. I wouldn't have had to suffer through the humiliation of torquing a steamer whilst at the workplace.
If I had known, I most certainly would've fired a warning shot, doodler. I was clueless, but still not overly surprised. Andrew seems to act with reckless abandon something akin to a run-away train when he gets a bee in his bonnet about something. Clearly S has put a bee in his bonnet. Should we wear bonnets to the wedding, Andrew? Well, should I, is a better question, because Sparky would just look silly in one.
Wait...………..I get it now...……….Andrew and S are clearly trying to cash in on the fact that Prince Harry and Meghan are now in residence in the great white north. It all makes sense. The timing of the proposal vs. the timing of the royal kerfuffle/flight to Canada.
Just curious if polygamy is legal in Canada?
Wait...………..I get it now...……….Andrew and S are clearly trying to cash in on the fact that Prince Harry and Meghan are now in residence in the great white north. It all makes sense. The timing of the proposal vs. the timing of the royal kerfuffle/flight to Canada.
Dawn,
You're probably right, but we certainly don't want to call him Prince Andrew.
I was wondering if maybe I'd driven him to marriage. I'd been giving him so much sh!t lately that I thought maybe he'd decided to get married so he could get off of this forum. (We're not here voluntarily are we?)
Just curious if polygamy is legal in Canada?
You're not my type LH
Wait...………..I get it now...……….Andrew and S are clearly trying to cash in on the fact that Prince Harry and Meghan are now in residence in the great white north. It all makes sense. The timing of the proposal vs. the timing of the royal kerfuffle/flight to Canada.
Dawn,
You're probably right, but we certainly don't want to call him Prince Andrew.
I was wondering if maybe I'd driven him to marriage. I'd been giving him so much sh!t lately that I thought maybe he'd decided to get married so he could get off of this forum. (We're not here voluntarily are we?)
Yeah - I was actually named after Prince Andrew - it was a long time ago though. Perhaps this would open up S's apartment for the formerly Royal couple. It's across from a bar and a convenience store and located above a small engine repair shop. Ideal location for anything a new immigrant family might need. We have talked about the possibility of sub-letting it ....
Wow...just...wow. Congratulations Andrew. I hope it all works out for you. Not sure what else to say. Kinda shocked... Best of luck!!! (((HUGS)))
Hey! Congratulations! I thought a proposal was coming back on January 20th when I asked what you were getting her for Valentine's Day. I can't wait to see some photos!
You know your situation far better than we do and you have known S for a long time. Now, if you could just get 20S to come get her stuff and not drag her feet about it.
As for you S25, I'm glad the job is working out for him. I hope he finds a nice apartment and can take Liz and Amy with him...but I think the cats will miss their "big" home and you, i.e., just as much as you will miss them. If he moves and can't take them with him , you will allow them to stay there with you and your new family? I would hate to see them lost in the shuffle of life.
Well, the new year certainly has started out on an interesting note. I'm sure your family and friends are all shocked by all of this, but they will be happy for you once the dust settles.
Just remember, if you don't feel comfortable w/something, tell her and don't just go along w/the program and be unhappy.
One last thing...are we all getting an invitation to the wedding since we are your Forum family?
Congratulations! And - not to be a spoilsport - get a PRENUP!
Seriously - I know you think everything will be wine and roses and I sincerely hope that this will be. BUT - the risk of a marriage at this age is that you could lose a chunk of your assets in a divorce that you sorely need for your own retirement (which will be on you before you know it, believe me).
I was just thinking about this the other day in regards to my ex. We married in our 20's and built everything together, so even though he resents me getting my fair share in our community property state, it was all earned while we were together as a team. I was imagining, though, if his second marriage were to break down. He's approaching 60 and having health problems that are surely making him think about his mortality, and he had MLCs at 40 and again at 50 so he very well might do it again and mess up his current marriage. He's been married for about 7 years and his duplex property has appreciated significantly in that time, plus he's been earning pension credits all that time. If she divorced him he would have to pay her 12% of his remaining pension and might owe her as much as $400k equity in the property. That would mean he'd have to sell his place and move inland with the hoi polloi - which he'd be distraught about.
I'm not saying your new bride should be shut out of everything, just wouldn't want to see you in a couple of years with it not working out for some reason and having to sell your home to buy her out or stuck working until you're 80. Just sayin'.
Thank you all for the cogratulations. I very much appreciate the positivity.
Hey! Congratulations! I thought a proposal was coming back on January 20th when I asked what you were getting her for Valentine's Day. I can't wait to see some photos!
I hope that we can publish something fairly soon. I finally got a "congratulations" from D27 and her H so there is just S's S24(23?) in Australia to be told. We don't want the kids or immediate family finding out through social media. I suspect that my ex-wife already knows as she historically had excellent sources of intel
She won't be invited though.
Now, if you could just get 20S to come get her stuff and not drag her feet about it.
I'm actually very worried about 20S. I know little about her situation but do know that she has no independent access to money or transportation to get herself out of her situation. She does say that she has friends locally who are stepping up. While I expect that there is no overt abuse involved, the little I know isn't good. The sooner she is in a safe place, the better. It's a shame that she went back to the guy when they split around Christmas but I think that many of us can sypathize with the idea of keeping working on a relationship that is badly broken. She'll need her stuff or money from selling it sooner rather than later so I'm not worried about the "stuff". I'm just worried about her.
As for you S25, I'm glad the job is working out for him. I hope he finds a nice apartment and can take Liz and Amy with him...but I think the cats will miss their "big" home and you, i.e., just as much as you will miss them. If he moves and can't take them with him , you will allow them to stay there with you and your new family? I would hate to see them lost in the shuffle of life.
S25 and I have talked pretty much ever since he moved home about what we would do for "the girls" when he moves out on his own. This is the only home they've known and while they an be a pain in the butt at times, they are Family. If S25 takes them with him when he moves that's good as long as it's a place where they can be happy, yik at the birds and sleep in the sunshine. If they stay then we'll have to navigate introducing S's two cats and that will need to be done carefully. They seem to be doing ok with the dog thus far when she comes to visit although they may have memories of how they dominated my ex-wife's Pomeranian. But despite the fact that they look little like me, they are family and need to be taken care of.
Just remember, if you don't feel comfortable w/something, tell her and don't just go along w/the program and be unhappy.
A very very tough lesson to learn - for both of us actually. We're working on it.
One last thing...are we all getting an invitation to the wedding since we are your Forum family?
LOL - we'll see. The invitee list is likely going to be quite small. I suspect much of the planning will be done by S and her D25 and be out of my hands. I've already heard conversations about re-purposing things from D25's wedding for her mother's and a friend's. Those decisions have yet to be made and will be balanced between budget, scheduling those who are far away and other factors like the high anxiety issues that S's S17 has with crowds. I would like to have my brothers and sisters and children there though as a minimum. But we'll see. Family dynamics and schedules can be complicated.
Now where did I put that contact information for my local Elvis impersonator .... Perhaps it may be best if I talk to S first ...
Congratulations! And - not to be a spoilsport - get a PRENUP!
Thanks kml! We've talked about this and a visit to both the lawyer and accountant are in order. S may have an inheritance that will need to be protected along with whatever legacy she has for her kids. On my side, making sure that my own children's legacy is protected along with preserving the assets I bring in and my retirement are top of mind and have been all along. And while S has few liabilities, fire-walling those will be necessary.
We also want to talk to an accountant about the tax implications of her dependent children along with the support she is currently receiving. Much of the support is coming from XH#2 who is the father of the dependent children and he is a financial basket case. Making sure the interests of all parties are clearly laid out will be tricky.
It is sad in some ways that while we can talk of forever, we know all too well that sometimes forever ends early.
Congratulation!
That is wonderful news.
Your
house is going to be very full again. And with who you are, it will be
home to everyone in no time.
Love and peace my dear friend.
DnJ
PS - I can play the wedding march on my accordion, if that help grease the wheels on an invite.
I don’t charge much. A even with that, still very little bookings. Well actually none...ever. Lol
Da da dada
Da da dada
Da da daDaa da da da da dada
This news hasn’t really surprised me,
Congratulations Andrew.
Yeah - I was actually named after Prince Andrew...
Andrew,
I think your official royal title should be Sir Speedy.
Congrats Andrew. Wishing you all the very best life has to offer.
Oh wow......I have not been good about keeping up. Congratulations!!!!!!
A discussion on another thread got me thinking about this old story.
Years ago, my next door neighbour's husband passed on. He occasionally did some wood-working and had accumulated a large stack of wood, mostly oak and cherry to use "some-day". It varied in thickness, width and a lot of it was "live edge" which is a thing now, but back then wasn't.
His widow asked me to haul the wood to the dump for her. I persuaded her to just let me take it which was fine by her and so I put it in my wood rack in the shop where it stayed for some years.
In 2006 I decided to build my daughter a hope chest out of it. Since the wood was of varying thicknesses and the edges didn't match up it was a bit of a challenge. I was able to figure out how to edge join the board though by clamping them together and running the saw down between the boards. A few passes and even though it wasn't a perfectly square jointed edge the boards matched up. I was rather proud of this. It's an old trick used by carpenters to fit trim.
For the design, an old acquaintance was in the merchant marine and his daughter allowed me to take the dimensions from his old sea chest. At this point in time none of us knew that my daughter would eventually marry someone in the US Navy.
After I built it, I wrote this note and put it inside the lid. It's a reminder that waiting for "some day" or things to be perfect just means that you are waiting.
An acorn, saved by a hopeful squirrel for Some Day, sprouts, takes root and grows into a majestic oak tree. The oak flourishes until it's Some Day comes and it is turned into boards.
The boards are purchased and saved for a project that may happen Some Day. But that Some Day never comes and the boards are discarded but then saved by another for a Some Day project.
This time Some Day comes and with care the boards are measured and trimmed and become a chest. A chest created by love, time, and all because of an acorn, save by a hopeful squirrel for Some Day.
Now the chest has moved on, and will be used to save things, for Some Day
Congrats Andrew, not sure I’ve ever posted in your thread but I’ve always followed along.. a proposal wasn’t a surprise, but I do believe a healthy dose of loving detachment will serve you well.. don’t lose the AP you’ve found, keep up with your daily walks (with or without S), your visits to the coffee, gift shop and flowers (that you want) for the house.. you’ve built great small town relationships and I’d hate to see you lose those..
Congrats, Andrew! I'm not real surprised... I just thought you'd wait for her to be divorced first!! How long will the process take? I guess now (once married) you can cover S on your insurance so she doesn't have to worry about that.
Looking forward to hearing how everything falls into place!
Thanks for the further congratulations.
Dream - The divorce process takes a minimum of 2 or 3 months given the mandatory waiting periods. Given everything and the personalities involved, I'll be surprised if it's finalized before the middle of the summer or even the fall.
There was a laugh because we went for lunch at the cafe around the corner where S works part-time and the first thing out of one of her co-worker's mouth was "shouldn't you be divorced first?" We'll be getting a lot of that.
S and her S12 and dog are over for the weekend - currently watching TV with S25 while I get my budget up to date and read here a bit. I'm not a TV watcher myself.
S12 - who is a bit of a sh!t disturber pointed out to S25 that he needs to move out so that his brother can have his room. All laughed - I corrected that to be that this is S25's home and he only has to move out if he wants to. He does want to but that's beside the point (probably in April). I had a quiet word with S25 later assuring him of this, he laughed and shrugged and said that he knew he was being teased.
S still hasn't been able to get in touch with her son in Australia. She's sent him messages that she wants to talk but he hasn't gotten back to her as of yet. This is moderately typical from what I understand. From his end it probably is just a "oh - I should call Mom". The 15 hour time difference and trying to remember what time it is and where may be a factor. So - no pictures until he's been talked to.
The cats and dog seem to have come to a mutual ignoring state. The cats of course despise the dog. The dog is cheerful and doesn't care. She'll probably sleep with S12 again though just to keep any cat-ninja activities to a minimum.
Superbowl party here tomorrow. Many snacks will be consumed instead of Sunday Supper. S25 will be providing access to the game.
For those playing the home game - my cardiologist appt is now booked for mid May. Ultrasound and stress test - the usual "we're not too concerned" group. I've been doing reasonably well. My blood pressure is now reliably in the "warn" region with my new medication. I carried a bunch of heavy boxes at work up some stairs earlier in the week and stopped after the first 10 or so for a break and had nothing other than the usual "fat guy walking up stairs" effect. I fully expect my cardiologist to tell me to exercise more regularly and lose some weight.
Andrew, long engagements are a good thing. Enjoy each step of the journey.
BTW, are you walking daily? In all my erranding yesterday I walked double my usual steps and boy, did I feel it by the end of the day. My lower back hurt, I could barely move and my hamstrings needed to be stretched. I'm appalled at how unfit I've become.. I need to do that every day, so will certainly incorporate it into my lifestyle. I will be your walking buddy if you want. We can nag each other gently, of course. You need to re-gain your girlish figure for the wedding photos after all.
xoxoxo
Andrew, long engagements are a good thing. Enjoy each step of the journey.
BTW, are you walking daily? In all my erranding yesterday I walked double my usual steps and boy, did I feel it by the end of the day. My lower back hurt, I could barely move and my hamstrings needed to be stretched. I'm appalled at how unfit I've become.. I need to do that every day, so will certainly incorporate it into my lifestyle. I will be your walking buddy if you want. We can nag each other gently, of course. You need to re-gain your girlish figure for the wedding photos after all.
xoxoxo
Thanks bttrfly. I certainly believe that especially for an old "constitutional" (can't swear here) like myself that walking is absolutely the best form of exercise. Typically I'll go out for about 4 1/2 km or 1 hour on a Sunday. It has been hard to manufacture the time to walk especially now that S is spending more time over and I need to do something about that.
"Enjoys Long Walks" is a fiction on dating profiles. S does enjoy walking but can only go about a km or so. And it's not a priority for her. We do keep very different hours which is being navigated so that might help. She is very much a night owl and circumstances have obliged me to be a morning person. Using that time difference for walks is something that I've done a couple of times now. It helps that S's dog is a MaltiPoo and is a bundle of energy. She and I had some very pleasant walks on the weekend. Not quite up to what I need to be doing but the dog has very short legs. And it turns out becomes a ball of snow after she rolls around in it. Main floor laundry tubs are helpful. She and I are figuring out each other's ways. The cats are also getting more accustomed to having her around even if they aren't very happy about it. It helps that for most of the time that the dog is just a lump on the couch.
My weight is up since Christmas and I need to do something more serious about that. I managed to drive past the doughnut shop this morning without stopping. So that's a good thing. My new meds seem to be doing a good job of controlling my blood pressure, but I have work to do myself.
bttrfly -I have a friend who used to help keep me accountable, mainly by telling me of his achievements, but I think he's back-slid as well.
S wanted to "talk" on the weekend. She's been getting concerned that we are having different ideas about timelines and who will be doing what. So after her agreeing to this approach, I set up a brief "project plan" identifying benchmarks, dates, and assignments. S actually does the "formal meeting" thing well and seems to prefer it to just beating around the bush and not facing issues directly. I think that my list (which had about 30 items on it) was a bit much but she seemed happy with the detail.
What it boils down to - nobody is moving in full time until S25 - AT HIS OWN PACE - finds his own place. This is expected to be sometime in April or perhaps May. In the interim, S will be bringing over some clothes etc so that she doesn't need to pack a suitcase to stay over and we'll also be setting up an office / workspace for her in the front bedroom I use as an office. At one point it had 3 desks and two filing cabinets in it. Now it has 1 desk and a pillow for the cat to sleep on so that should be good.
We also talked about timelines for the wedding. "The fall" was perhaps a bit vague for her but she did agree that it is probably the earliest possible time and given the issues with getting her son from Australia may even be optimistic.
Much of this appears to have matched S's own expectations so we're all good.
S has also expressed some concerns about taste and decorating. She describes her own style as "bohemian" and mine as "traditional". Not completely wrong. I'm not attached to much of the decorating in the house and frankly don't like some of it. The conversation came around my quilt - which I bought for myself after my divorce and IS one of the things that I love. It has a traditional "country bride" pattern on it. She knows that I'm not giving it up although I have suggested that we consider changing things seasonally and reserving the quilt for the winter. Negotiations proceed.
We did talk about the fact that neither of us felt heard in our prior relationships and how our wants were minimized. I expressed concerns - which I think she heard - that I didn't want that to be repeated for me, nor for her. The fact that we recognize this and are trying to navigate it, is I hope a good thing.
One side laugh - now that S has her ring she's not being shy about waving it around. We've still not "come out" on social media due at least in part to the fact that her son hasn't been informed but all of the friends etc around us are very aware. S mused that she thought that my friend at the flower shop looked dissapointed and rather jealous. Since S and my ex-wife know each other, the odds are way higher than zero that their paths will cross at some point. She thought that my ex would probably put on a brave face but not bee very happy the next time that happens. They've not bumped in to each other since we've started dating.
The Super Bowl party was decent. It was just S, her S12, my S25, the dog and myself. We had thought that her S17 and D18 plus boyfriend might have wanted to come but they all had other plans. S made her "traditional" (not bohemian) meat-ball subs which were well enjoyed. I picked up some beer for S25 in part as a thank-you for making the game available and because football = beer. I myself had root beer and ginger ale out of respect for S's allergy. There was far too much food and snacks.
I did perhaps mis-interpret the idea of "grid-iron" and did my ironing for the first half of the game. Odd - none of the people on the field seemed to have much interest in laundry although I did sympathize with the guy in the Tide advertisements. Since I'm actually not a football fan, I cleaned the kitchen during the second half and was in bed before the game ended. I think that S appreciated the facts that not only were her efforts in making dinner appreciated but that the clean-up just happened. I did help slightly with dinner - some stirring and such. The chocolate chip / oatmeal cookies she made were tough to stir but very worth the effort.
Around midnight S came up to bed chatting animatedly with S25 about the game. She stayed over again last night as the local school board is on strike and there is no school today. Wednesday we're all off for a 3 day mini-vacation to celebrate S12 turning into S13.
bttrfly - I have a friend who used to help keep me accountable, mainly by telling me of his achievements, but I think he's back-slid as well.
Ok, I added the app and found you on it. How do you want to do this? I also met with a friend of my mom's who promises to help find two additional able bodied guys who, with my son will hopefully be able to get my free treadmill from my cousin's garage to my basement.
What it boils down to - nobody is moving in full time until S25 - AT HIS OWN PACE - finds his own place.
This I love.
S has also expressed some concerns about taste and decorating.
This entire conversation made me itch. I am further convinced that I will not ever co-habit with anyone.
I did perhaps mis-interpret the idea of "grid-iron" and did my ironing for the first half of the game. Odd - none of the people on the field seemed to have much interest in laundry although I did sympathize with the guy in the Tide advertisements.
Is it really a Super Bowl if my beloved Patriots aren't playing? Asking for a friend ...
¿Qué tal Andrés?
If you're feeling flaccid, you should checkout 3D printed boats using carbon/Kevlar/fiberglass. You can go from CAD to hull in a jiffy and it's light and strong. It's time to setup a hull printing factory.
Is it really a Super Bowl if my beloved Patriots aren't playing? Asking for a friend ...
Well S25 is a Bengals fan and he still thought it was a Super Bowl
¿Qué tal Andrés?
If you're feeling flaccid, you should checkout 3D printed boats using carbon/Kevlar/fiberglass. You can go from CAD to hull in a jiffy and it's light and strong. It's time to setup a hull printing factory.
The challenge with alternate and composite materials is that yes - they can be quite light but they have particular properties. A friend of mine is a chemist working in this area. The thing to remember is that the materials you mention are just the fibre part of the equation. 3D printing is usually done with a resin alone.
The shape of the material as well as an understanding of the material's properties is key. Fibres like kevlar, fiberglass etc are quite strong under tension. Wood on the other hand is strong under compression. With a composite fiber / resin construction you suspend the fiber in resin but don't necessarily get something structural. A flat, unsupported panel will be quite flimsy. That is why for most fibreglass construction they actually use a "matt" as the substrate to pour the resin over. You can get a level of rigidity by altering the shape and building some sort of lattice / comb structure or by adding on other parts to stiffen the structure.
Years ago I worked with a company that made light-weight concrete panels for buildings. Their system involved putting steel re-bar under tension, pouring the concrete around it and then after curing releasing the tension. The pull of the bars into the substrate of concrete put the hole thing under tension resulting in a stiff and light-weight panel.
Similarly, if you take a sheet of plywood and impart a twist to it you can end up with something that is quite rigid and good for a hull. But that is in part because of the alternating grains in the plywood and the fact that wood is stronger under compression.
This is why you can actually get a stronger, lighter hull out of wood than you can with fiberglass. It will be more prone to damage from punctures though than a composite hull. Adding on a light layer of glass in a substrate of resin is usually the answer to that but it does add not an insignificant amount of weight.
A friend of mine works in composite materials and I tried to get him to experiment with a similar concept to the concrete panels, putting the glass fibres under tension, pouring resin on it and then putting the result under compression. One question is whether how the resin will react in this matter. Would it for example become more brittle. I'm not of a chemist to be able to know the answer and too lazy to try this experimentally. It would be interesting to see what would happen.
We do sell some resins in to the 3D printing market - but the resulting products tend to be much more brittle than those made the "traditional" way.
My spelling is atroshios today
3D printing is usually done with a resin alone.
We do sell some resins in to the 3D printing market - but the resulting products tend to be much more brittle than those made the "traditional" way.
Ahhhhh...but, the 3D printing includes the fiber, continuous and/or chopped, as well as the resin prepreg (usually epoxy). Supposedly it can be very much stronger because it can build a truss like structure between the inner and out walls.
Don't let "prepreg" give you any ideas.
4 kids, 3 of whom have ADD and 2 of whom are very wired. 2 "spouses" and a grandson. In 2 rooms at an indoor water park filled with hyperactive children.
I am rather out of my comfort zone
One of the spouses and I are the only morning people. Over coffee I thanked the waitress as a "life-saver" but said that it wasn't necessarily my life being saved.
It's been good. We're all having fun. The "adults" ended up in a room together with S's grandson. I think the others didn't want to be in the same room as the baby. He's been good for a 6 month-old.
I did have a chance to talk to S a bit alone last night until the kids found us. Her talk with her son in Australia was very good and he has positive things to say about his mother being engaged. Given his distance and lack of first hand knowledge, he is reasonably a bit skeptical, but he knows me a bit having been part of the group that my S25 hung around with.
I laugh because the thing that S's kids and it turns out many many people know me by is that I'm the guy in "The Pirate House" as they would come by on Halloween when I dress myself and my sloop up. If a guy has to have a reputation for anything, being known as a cheerful guy who hands out candy can't be all bad.
I have a bit of semi-buried annoyance that S hasn't made any sort of "public" announcement of our engagement. Back in the old days, our parents would have taken an ad out in the paper. I've told her that I am leaving the update of any information in her hands. She's not one who usually posts things about her own life on social media and I also get the vibe that she's reluctant to complicate her life. Our friend who blurted out the "you're still married" is undoubtedly typical of quite a number of reactions she would get.
I did do something bad yesterday. S was driving and I was using her phone to navigate. Her daughter sent her a text about logistics and after asking I opened it up and sent back the appropriate responses. A bit farther down was the thread of texts with her STBX. I snooped. It's all completely matching up with her narrative. Random texts without responses every week or so commenting on the weather etc. An older text about logistics on the divorce. S said that he's been dating and has been for quite a while and that it's not going well for him. The most recent living an hour away and seeming nice until she started talking about how the aliens were coming to rescue her (Scientologist?)
We do have a pile of very cute pictures taken both by S and her kids. Some may well sneak out. We are having a very nice time. Her son-in-law is having a phone interview this morning for a new job that would have them move back to our area from Ottawa. S is very excited about having her D25 and grand-son close by. We suggested that they consider taking over her old apartment. For now they are planning on moving in with his parents - assuming he gets the job which from what I have heard is probably a slam-dunk.
Anyway. I just saw D25 and GS wander by. Time to get back in my bathing suit.
Laterz
And why is it that you like a public announcement on your engagement? Why does this bother you that she has not made one especially if she is not one to post much?
Enjoy the chaos!!!
I second HaWho’s thoughts and add why do you expect her to make some grand announcement when she is still legally married to someone else? Surely good taste and good sense would be to keep it under wraps, at least from public proclamation, until the divorce is final.
I saw where you are. I’ll be interested to hear how it was. I’m considering saving up a chunk of change and taking the grandkids when the younger 2 are another year or so older.
Kind of agree with the others - if she isn't even divorced yet it seems awkward to publicly announce an engagement. Plus it might complicate her divorce.
Kind of agree with the others - if she isn't even divorced yet it seems awkward to publicly announce an engagement. Plus it might complicate her divorce.
Not to mention that it's just freakin' weird to be engaged to a married woman.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, Andrew. But back in the day, people
Didn’t get engaged to married people. Parents wouldn’t take out ads for an engagement when on person isn’t divorced yet. You must realize this, I know you must.
What I don’t get, and quite frankly is none of my business is what the rush was and why you couldn’t wait until she was a divorced woman and you could shout it from the roof tops and it was a free and clear thing? If you would have waited for the divorce to be final, it just would have been something you didn’t have to hide. Her announcing an engagement while she was still married could be hurtful to others. My ex even waited until 6 months after our divorce. Probably not to be respectful to me, but he knew what that would look like to others.
What were you expecting ?
Kind of agree with the others - if she isn't even divorced yet it seems awkward to publicly announce an engagement. Plus it might complicate her divorce.
Not to mention that it's just freakin' weird to be engaged to a married woman.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, Andrew. But back in the day, people
Didn’t get engaged to married people. Parents wouldn’t take out ads for an engagement when on person isn’t divorced yet. You must realize this, I know you must.
Well thank God we are finally addressing the elephant in the room. There might still be hope for some sanity here at the place I’ve taken to calling Krazytown because, well, because it seems to have gone that direction of late. I know ive said this before on other threads but this is supposed to be a group of people supporting solid, healthy actions for life and love and trying to help each other hold to them. That clearly was why I came here so many years ago and I still see those in new comers holding visitors here accountable. I can tell, and have been told off the boards, that since have decided it won’t matter and won’t change anything anyhow, so why bother. But others read these posts even if a few here are off in fantasy land. I can’t predict the future anymore than anyone else can, but it sure seems like this Surviving D side of the board lately is serving to feed some of us back in the other side yet again with going along to get along even when we don’t at all agree. Is it any wonder why the D rate for 2nd and 3rd Ds is what it is if people are going into the next M before the last is even completed? And to somehow think this is all just fine and should be celebrated... I’m sorry, I just cannot support that.
My state has a law that prohibits anyone from re-marrying before 6 months has past after D. I even had to acknowledge my understanding of that law while under oath before my D was granted. I thought at the time what a silly law. Guess my states fathers were smarter than I thought they were.
I dont expect Andrew to listen to reason - especially from me. But at least the rest of us should not cast away common sense and go even deeper into Krazytown. thanks to some if you for restoring my faith in my fellow DBrs Again.
Speaking of DonH -
what happened with the cruise this year? Did you take anybody (or is it coming up)?
Thanks for remembering KML and for caring enough to ask. We left for Florida a month ago today and got back 3 weeks ago Saturday. I certainly don’t want to hijack Andrews thread and change the focus here to me. I guess I have plenty to report about all sorts of stuff - probably enough for pages of posts. I just have not been feeling it here lately so I’ve not been posting much. Headed out of town for what I’m really hoping will be a fun, fun annual weekend event in Chicago with many many friends. I’ll try to gather the motivation to update my thread next week. Thanks again for asking. Sorry Andrew for interrupting.
Tease! Did you take someone??!
Well thank God we are finally addressing the elephant in the room. There might still be hope for some sanity here at the place I’ve taken to calling Krazytown because, well, because it seems to have gone that direction of late. I know ive said this before on other threads but this is supposed to be a group of people supporting solid, healthy actions for life and love and trying to help each other hold to them. That clearly was why I came here so many years ago and I still see those in new comers holding visitors here accountable. I can tell, and have been told off the boards, that since have decided it won’t matter and won’t change anything anyhow, so why bother. But others read these posts even if a few here are off in fantasy land. I can’t predict the future anymore than anyone else can, but it sure seems like this Surviving D side of the board lately is serving to feed some of us back in the other side yet again with going along to get along even when we don’t at all agree. Is it any wonder why the D rate for 2nd and 3rd Ds is what it is if people are going into the next M before the last is even completed? And to somehow think this is all just fine and should be celebrated... I’m sorry, I just cannot support that.
My state has a law that prohibits anyone from re-marrying before 6 months has past after D. I even had to acknowledge my understanding of that law while under oath before my D was granted. I thought at the time what a silly law. Guess my states fathers were smarter than I thought they were.
I dont expect Andrew to listen to reason - especially from me. But at least the rest of us should not cast away common sense and go even deeper into Krazytown. thanks to some if you for restoring my faith in my fellow DBrs Again.
Honestly, I too was surprised by the round of congratulations, but I added mine because Andrew has shown us that he will do what he will do, regardless of anyone offering other viewpoints, and because it sometimes seems like politeness goes by the boards in the swinging of the 2x4s around here. I value courtesy. I also value honesty which is why my congratulations were lukewarm, at best.
Would I be engaged to a married man? No. In fact I stopped a conversation with a guy very early on when he said his divorce wouldn't be finalized for a month or two. I don't date married people, period. I remember all too well what it felt like to go to mediation every week hoping for a miracle yet knowing that my husband was flying off to the left coast a few days later to rendezvous with some OW. I desperately wanted to save my marriage, and I will not participate in anything that is remotely romantic with a married person. I recognize that not everyone feels the same.
When I found out BG#1 had been married twice, I knew he wasn't someone I would date. I did not want to be #3, as statistically that's got a
25% chance of succeeding. Again, I recognize that this is not the dealbreaker for others that it is for me.
Andrew, I wish for you happiness, and a continuation of the life you built for yourself as a newly single person - meaning, now that you've found yourself, don't let him go.
Here are the facts: you are engaged yes, but to a woman who is married to another man. It does not matter that they've been apart for however long it's been. As others have said, your parents wouldn't be taking an ad out about this while she's married, of all things. I know it bothers you that this engagement isn't being announced. Why not explore what it is about that that bothers you. I know there must be some time in and amidst the family fun where you can have a period of quiet reflection. Perhaps during a walk?
Honestly, I too was surprised by the round of congratulations, but I added mine because Andrew has shown us that he will do what he will do, regardless of anyone offering other viewpoints, and because it sometimes seems like politeness goes by the boards in the swinging of the 2x4s around here. I value courtesy. I also value honesty which is why my congratulations were lukewarm, at best.
bttfly,
Well said!!!
I wish I could convince Andrew that it's in everyone's best interest for him to slow down. (Everyone includes Andrew, B and their families.) In the end, everything may work out just fine; no telling. But, from afar, there seems to be some strange psychology going on. Why date married women? Why get engaged so soon? I suspect, but I don't really know, that it's probably fear that's driving Andrew. Fear of being alone. Fear of running out of time. Fear of never having again what he once had. We all seem to have a self destructive aspect to ourselves, but it's really difficult to watch the slow motion train wreck from a relatively objective viewpoint. The best I can do is say congratulations and wish and hope that it all works out. I truly believe Andrew is a good guy and I hope he doesn't get hurt again.
I know you will do what you do Andrew. You couldn’t wait for some reason and had to do it then and there. But the shockI think is your expectation that you would get the same kind of celebration and reception when asking a married woman to marry you. Even people in your real life are saying she’s still married” and you seem to think this is no big deal. I am truly shocked by that. It’s a big deal, even if the feelings are gone, but didn’t she give recon a shot a year ago? Even if there was no chance, this should be a closed and done deal. It’s not like she is knocked up and you need to marry her ASAP. You’ve been dating a few months.
And you needed to look at the texts to make sure her story matches up? If you had any doubts, you shouldn’t be popping the question.
Like butterfly, I would say to really sit down and be real with yourself as to why you couldn’t wait until she was truly a free woman. What your urgency was. And why the fact a grand announcement hasn’t happened is bothering you. Do you realize you probably should have waited? Are you dealing in reality right now??
Practically overnight your relationship with a woman you claimed to have loved who lived with you needed. Shortly after you were in deep in a new R in which you were engaged to her before she was divorced with in a blink of an eye. You took on a whole new family with a minor child. Why? I would dig super deep on this one. Be honest and real with yourself. It will make going forward much wholesome and honest.
[quote=bttrfly]
I truly believe Andrew is a good guy and I hope he doesn't get hurt again.
That's nice doodler but what about the men in these marriages? I feel like this whole point just does not get addressed or gets skipped over. All we get is Andrew's side which, in the case of at least B, was obviously not accurate. Maybe the men are creating threads in new comers at this very moment?? Fact of the matter is, offering congratulations to a repeat OM offender who is now engaged to a married woman on a divorce BUSTING forum is down right bizarre. Andrew has been the exact opposite of a DB'r for the past year and half or so.
I get Andrew has friends on here and people are looking out for him. But that is not the point of this forum. They all seem to be friends off of here, so maybe it is more appropriate to take the talk of dating married women to a FB message chat? I thought this forum was about saving marriages and creating healthy relationships.
Pinn,
I get what you're saying and I agree with most of what you said.
Not long ago I told Andrew he was the OM, and that he was doing the same thing that he so hated when there was an OM in his wife's life (now his ex-wife). I also told him my backstory. I dated my wife (now ex-wife) when she was married. She told me how terrible her husband was and the she was going to get a divorce. I'd never been married and I thought I was truly helping a damsel in distress. I was the good guy; the knight in shining armor. It wasn't until my own marital troubles started percolating that I realized I'd been the OM. I'd been the bad guy.
I'm fairly certain that Andrew thinks of himself as the good guy. Cognitive dissonance can create a huge blind spot; I wish Andrew could see through his own fog. But, completely alienating Andrew is not going to solve the problem.
And, I really enjoy giving him holy h3ll about his haggis poutine.
Bttfly: I remember sitting in that courtroom praying for a Hail Mary and that my ex wouldn’t go through with the D. And I just cried away in the courtroom as our divorce was being granted. The bailiff has to bring me tissues. It finally hit me it was over.
Her H could be hoping for the same. And he is going to have to grieve all over again when that divorce is final. And for him to find out before that divorce is final is cruel. She stayed married to use him for his health insurance and for all anyone knows, like Pinn said, that could have been him on newcomers hoping for the last bit of hope. Him being a doormat hoping she would come back.
Fear drives us to do things we would never imagine ourselves to do. I was guilty of it. When I was 18 my life turned to complete hell when my parents divorced. My dad moved out and in with his OW. He was my rock. My mom completely fell apart. I was trying to survive. Everyone left me. And I grasped on to my exH because I was in such fear of being alone that I left all more morals in the wind. He was friend’s boyfriend.
I live with that every day of my life. And even though me and that friend are still close 20 years later, I have to live with hurting her. And it was so out of character for me, but I was just so scared because I lost everyone and everything and I was scared of being alone, I did something horrible. My fear over ruled my morals and what I new was right. Not because I was feeling less. Because I felt scared for my life. And if not for getting my daughter out of this, if I could go back in time and have a do-over, I wouldn’t have let my fear cloud my judgment. I’m going to bring that to my grave.
Acting of fear could hurt a lot of other people other than ourselves.
Thanks all. Just finishing up breakfast here while everyone else sleeps so a - for me - brief reply. I'm pretty much the only morning person. What everyone says is very valid. I'm not going to dispute that nor quibble over details that TBH don't matter.
I appreciate the care that is part of everyone's commentary and yes - even doodler's somewhat warped sense of humour.
I am indeed struggling with the
fact that under many forms of definition that I am indeed acting as an OM here. And did this past spring as well. For all that I know B may have reconciled with her serial cheater H. And yes, I do only get half of the story despite my efforts to validate and verify. As far as S's STBX goes, while I have seen text messages and heard from S that things are very over between them, I am obliged to take it only as a matter of trust that her narrative is indeed the truth.
I don't live in the shadows. Which is why my situation being kept quiet bothers. I have made the choice though that I do not control S's narrative. That would be inappropriate.
Life isn't easy. Life transitions even less so. That is why I value the diversity of opinions provided here even when they diverge from my own or are contrary to the path I have set my feet on.
-----------
Dawn - the water park is a lot of fun. Certainly aimed at families with pre-teens. Everything is well thought out and the staff are fabulous (just got a second cup of coffee). The rides are well engineered although there are a "lot" of stairs to get to the top. Little to my surprise despite scary rides and some fairly lengthy swims (I'm not a strong swimmer), my angina isn't giving me any issue at all. I would certainly recommend this place. The only real issue is being in a room with late night people as an early riser
That and angsty teenagers.
My XH was engaged only a month or two after we signed our separation agreement. Pretty sure OW made lots of announcements on FB and tagged him which is how the vast majority of his friends and family found out. Some he had to “unfriend” because of it, I’m sure. There lots of things being said about the two of them, no doubt, but no one will say it to their faces...and in a year or two...no one will care what they did to his family. That’s just the way things are in this world of ours.
TBH...the engagement didn’t bother me too much. Only because it just highlighted the desperation XH was feeling to legitimize his cheating and reinvent himself. It’s been almost a year now and thankfully, I have gotten to a place where I could really care less. I wish him well TBH. Not because he deserves it but because I don’t want my kids’ lives to be disrupted any more than they have been by adding another person to the family five or ten years from now.
I do worry about you Andrew. I know you are a sincere person who, like me, enjoys the stability and comfort that a LTR brings to your life. I’m not a serial dater...could never date more than one person at a time. I have a big heart and a tendency to go “all in” when maybe caution should be the order of the day. I’m working on it. Breaking up with Jack because I was pretty clear in my mind it would not work out long term was a new one for me. Old DV would have probably waited another year and made 100 more compromises on what I need and want from a relationship. I really, really hope that isn’t what you are doing because eventually, I think it will catch up to you.
BTW...I admire your ability to take all of the 2X4’s without becoming defensive and angry. I also think you should really, really reflect on what is being said and wonder about the motivations of someone who is in such a rush to get married again before she is divorced...especially someone you’ve only been dating for a few months. Her comment about flower lady being jealous was interesting. It sounded to me like she had been in a competition and is pleased with herself that she “won”. For your sake Andrew, I hope the wedding date you set is at least a year away... two would be preferable.
(((HUGS)))
I appreciate the care that is part of everyone's commentary and yes - even doodler's somewhat warped sense of humour.
WARPED? I'm not the one that dreamed up your little scheme. I'm just an observer who put the pieces of the repugnant puzzle together and realized what's going on.
Notice that I didn't get in the gritty details. I didn't mention the large vat of hydrochloric acid down at acid plant. And I also know that once the "disappearance" of the hubby was discovered that you and S were planning to point the finger at the hubby's girlfriend. The entire rancid saga can be explained away by a simple alien abduction and the girl ends up in an institutional rubber room.
I also know about Plan B. If the body can't be removed from the premises, then you and S are going to throw a big haggis poutine party. If any of you attend the party, don't eat the haggis.
I'm on to you buster.
The HCL is well contained and monitored. If chlorine off-gasses there is a lot of paperwork. Vats are all "bad horror movie" stuff.
I did actually ask friends to watch out for me in the earlier days after bomb day. Middle aged fat guys with known heart disease drop off all the time.
Fortunately all was fine and nobody was or is likely to become the subject of a Netflix documentary narrated by a B actor in a serious voice.
I think doodler is missing the obvious here, which is rather unusual since he is so very observant. If I have learned one thing from the countless hours of true crime tv I watch, the 2 things that get women in trouble every time they kill their spouse/partner/boyfriend/lover is 1.) they try to claim the life insurance payout too soon and are rather adamant about it with the insurance company and 2.) they use said money or some other lump sum to go get a boob job. So, I think what we really need to be watching for here is for S (or maybe Andrew....who knows?) to show up with a new rack. THEN we'll know the deed is done. I think that will be an even clearer indication than the invitation to the haggis poutine party. For the record, I tell Sparky all the time that he is safe because I'm satisfied with what the good Lord gave me, but if I ever start doing plastic surgery consults he should think about modifying his behavior in a big hurry.
Health scare, new gf, feeling vulnerable and here comes wedding bells.
Regardless of the impact it will have on your own kids, ( who advised you to stay away ), S's kids and her marriage.
At least, your ex-w's bf was not married ( but she was )
Sadly, it is a script.
May i ask how is the trust between you and S ?
Do you think she is going in until death ? Is her commitment to you as sincere as her other marriages?
Remember how justification of actions played a huge part our stories? Our ex's justifying their actions by tearing us apart? Isn' t it what S is doing to her husband? You are her next victim.
Along with 7 children.
I’m not so strict about a divorce needing to be finalized before dating - some divorces can take a very long time- but I do think an engagement when a divorce isn’t finalized could stir up her ex and make her divorce more difficult.
I do think it’s important that the relationship with the spouse is well and truly over - otherwise you run the risk that they’ll reconcile.
I dated just a couple months after my ex left and filed. bBUT - is been through years of DBing, reconciliation, his MLC, and frankly, once he filed I knew I would never take him back under any circumstances. I had peace in my heart that I had done everything possible to try to save my marriage, and that as a three time offender, I would never trust him again.
My divorce wasn’t finalized until a year and a half later but my marriage was well and truly dead. I think S’s marriage sounds well and truly dead too - in HER mind. But given her STBXs state of mind, discretion about announcing an engagement seems wise.
So, I think what we really need to be watching for here is for S (or maybe Andrew....who knows?) to show up with a new rack.
Picture this: Andrew shows up at the beach this summer with two huge hairy man-boobs and a thong whilst chowing-down on a bucket of haggis poutine. Livin' the life...
Dawn - the water park is a lot of fun. Certainly aimed at families with pre-teens. Everything is well thought out and the staff are fabulous (just got a second cup of coffee). The rides are well engineered although there are a "lot" of stairs to get to the top. Little to my surprise despite scary rides and some fairly lengthy swims (I'm not a strong swimmer), my angina isn't giving me any issue at all. I would certainly recommend this place. The only real issue is being in a room with late night people as an early riser
That and angsty teenagers.
Thanks, Andrew! Sparky and I have it on the radar as a grandkid trip. If we do it soon, it would likely just be us and the 2 older ones but if we wait a couple of years we could include the 2 littler guys so we will see what happens. It may take us awhile to save up the money. Seems a bit spendy but definitely something we can plan, budget and save for.
Wishing you the best of luck Andrew.
I think that with love and relationships there is no real recipe or predictive factor for success. As much as we want to think that if we follow a formula - we will be safe - that’s not always the case. I know people that were married after knowing each other 3 months and are still together 15 years later. Me personally- I dated my ex husband 3 years - moved in to make sure we got a along for another 3.5 years, waited over a year to get married. And you know my story. My waiting and caution resulted in me giving up my youth and being only able to have 1 child.
Just as people can be too impulsive, others can be too cautious - which can be just as bad. Some people wait too long or fear too much and end up alone. Being alone is not a bad thing for everyone, but some people want partnership and that involves risk.
So that being said, - what was the reason why you decided to propose now? Do you feel like she’s your soul mate? Can’t live without her? What made you feel like you just wanted to do this now? I feel like in the “old country” this would not have been such a crazy idea. Spouses died and the other spouse remarried because survival was easier that way. What’s motivating you though in newer times?
Thanks JuJu
Your question to me has multiple layers.
While I was / am fairly content with the single life, I prefer being partnered.
I could only live with, or even sleep with someone who I didn't love and to whom I had a commitment of fidelity.
I am a believer in the institution of marriage as well and feel that if you are going to share your life with them that that larger commitment is necessary. I know many people who are happy without it, but I'm not one of them.
I am absolutely not a believer in the concept of a soul mate or even in many ways in destiny. I believe that the future is shaped by our own hands. If S hadn't come along when she did, we may well be discussing another lady. I am confident that S and I can make this work. It will take effort but anything worth having does. To me, there is no purpose in searching for a mythical perfect match when someone who is compatable and is willing to put in the effort is right in front of me.
This is a huge risk, especially for S. She's been badly burned before and has the security of her kids to consider. My proposal was in part to let her know that I am fully invested in making this work.
So this was all stirring around for some time when I realized suddenly that there was no valid reason to not ask her. So I did.
S probably would have accepted cohabitation without the commitment of marriage as would have I if she didn't want it, but the fact that we both are willing to put our futures on the line (yes there will be a prenup) gives me hope for a long and happy future.
The reason you proposed to a married woman is because you are “a believer in the institution of marriage”?
Can you see how contradictory this statement is?
In the past year, you’ve had serious relationships with two married women. You haven’t dated any single women. How would your behavior be different if you didn’t value marriage?
Blargh. On Friday night I started having a dry cough that I put down to dehydration, being tired and exposure to chlorine. It progressed to an upper respiratory infection of some sort or so it would seem. This morning when I got up, low grade fever, cough and congestion. I cleared out the driveway, realized that I wouldn't be very functional at work except perhaps as a vector to spread the plague and let everyone know that I was staying home.
I slept for another 5 hours, still feel like crap. Hopefully this passes quickly. As a giggle, one of the open items on my list is reviewing the different site's pandemic plans which were last updated in 2003.
Overall a good weekend. I took it fairly easy and did get a walk in. S came over around lunch on Saturday after dropping the freshly minted S13 off to his dad while I was still out running errands. My S25 left while I was out and told S that he was going to spend a couple of days with his mother. Which is highly out of character. He's not done that since Christmas 2 years ago.
S and I had lunch with a mutual friend on Sunday who is still in touch with my ex via social media who mentioned that my ex had indeed moved. I didn't bother asking where as I certainly have no plans to drop in for a cuppa.
I did have a theory that has been bouncing around my fevered brow since the weekend that perhaps S25's mother's new pad is closer to where he works and maybe he'll move in with her? It would be a good thing in many ways. He always did get along with his mother better than me and if he can have a low rent / rent-free place closer to work that would be good for him too. It would also be a certainty that he could take his cats with him too which would simplify many things.
He got home mid-afternoon and was in a
very cheerful mood. I didn't ask about his visit and he didn't tell. When I went out to shift cars around I noticed some random things in his car that probably came from his mother that he'd left in there. This morning there was "of course" a giant block of cheese in the fridge from her. I find that more sad and a bit funny than annoying. It is nicer cheese than what I buy and that reminder of her running off with "the milkman" is perhaps a dig - or more likely just her being completely oblivious.
To use up the last of the self-rising flour I decided to make a loaf of beer bread - or what I need to now call "murder bread". S has a pretty severe alcohol allergy but we both thought that one can of beer 2 rooms away should be fine. Wrong. 15 minutes in she started to get symptoms. I opened the door and put a fan in to blow the fumes out but no good. She took some of the anti-histamines we keep for such an occasion and went off to pick up S13 and head back to her apartment
The anti-histamines kicked in about 1/2 hour later and she said she'd be fine.
S25 and I still had a dinner of roast beef, gravy, potatoes and bread. He was "very" chatty and cheerful. Again, highly unusual. We talked about all sorts of things including his eventual moving out. He did suggest and I whole-heartedly agreed that he was more than welcome to come for Sunday Supper and then go out to his poker game around the corner and crash on the couch after. Poker does usually involved beer. So I think he's really getting enthused about being out of here. He's really enjoying his job as well which is fabulous.
So - we'll see where this all goes.
I have my Valentines plans in place. My friend at the cafe is baking up treats for both S and S25 to pick up Wednesday. I have flowers ordered for S that I'll pick up on Thursday evening. The cards to D27 and her H were in the mail a while ago. I'm glad that I didn't order them flowers as they are away on a vacation right now. My son-in-law in response to a comment of mine mentioned that they expect to see me sometime soon as well which will be great. It's been almost a year since the last time I saw them.
Well - time to check on work briefly then I think a nap with my book. It's pretty much a toss-up at this point if I'll make in to work tomorrow. Certainly not if I keep feeling like this. Stay safe and healthy everyone.
So, what you are saying is that you are Typhoid Mary? Yikes! I love beer bread, so sorry that is something you have to ditch for S's health. Maybe you could find someone to make beer bread for or with you outside your home so you can still have it on occasion.
The cheese/milkman thing kind of made me laugh. I really don't think XW is even thinking about it. But, as we have all said and realized before, you are the king of overthinking, so to think that she did it is a dig, I really think is just all in your head. I don't get the sense your XW was clever enough to come up with that, but I may be wrong.
If you are just looking for someone to send Valentine's flowers to, feel free to send them my way. I LOVE flowers!
Stay home and get well. I don't want to hear about the Canadian Typhoid Mary infecting half the country with his beer bread and coughy germs.
Could have been the alcohol or could just be the gluten from baking bread and beer has gluten too. Just the aerosol of flour in the air from baking can be a problem.
Musing on the train ride this morning about paths not taken.
In the mid-80s I was introduced to a charming and beautiful woman by a mutual friend. Her sister in fact. The three of us had dinner one very pleasant evening to celebrate my friend's birthday. After dinner I walked her to her car we agreed that we both wanted to see more of each other, I kissed her good night and never saw her again.
Years have passed and this woman has gone on to achieve some fantastic professional success in a variety of fields. She married briefly once some years ago. We interact from time to time on social media although she may not remember me or the context. No way to know. I believe it makes S uncomfortable when she sees this person cross my field of vision. She recently wrote a memoir so "of course" I picked up a copy and finished it this morning on the train.
Over the years, I've mused on what different twists life would have taken had we dated, perhaps married. It certainly would have been a very different life than the one I led.
My heavens. Did I dodge a bullet. This lady, while outwardly successful deals with many demons that have shaped her life that I had no idea of. While I still think of her fondly and wish her well, I am grateful that the path I ended up on, even if it caused me to be here, wasn't that path. Her memoir is a raw examination of those demons, many of whom still torment her and probably always will. Her own musing about paths not taken though spurred on my own. A worthwhile read and an insight into a complex person. Not the normal sort of thing I read. I did just finish a nice biography of General Thomas-Alexandre Dumas - the father of Alexandre Dumas author of Count of Monte Cristo which had a basis in his father's life.
Feeling a bit better today. Head not as fuzzy. Probably shouldn't have come in to the office though. I'm working through my annual performance review - it may be interesting to see what the cold and flu meds are influencing me to write.
I believe it makes S uncomfortable when she sees this person cross my field of vision.
She probably notices the pup tent action you have going on in your pants.
Feeling a bit better today. Head not as fuzzy. Probably shouldn't have come in to the office though. I'm working through my annual performance review - it may be interesting to see what the cold and flu meds are influencing me to write.
Dude! Juicin' the hongos at work, huh? Higher than a freakin' kite. I bet you've been off-gassing too. You know, everyone knows what you're doing when you're sitting around the office with that sh!t faced grin.
Anyway, I came across a 25 foot wooden sloop that was built in Holland in 1954. It needs some work but it looks like it's in decent shape (based on the pictures - so no tellin'). It's free and it's up in New York, not too far from you.
Tease! Did you take someone??!
I made good on my promise and just posted an update on my thread. Just not sure how buried it is since I've not posted in months, so if looking:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2835006&page=8Sorry for the hijack Andrew - but hey, I had all sorts of things I could have commented on (and wanted to) so it's still a win for you since I'm just posting this and keeping my mouth shut on the rest.
Her memoir is a raw examination of those demons, many of whom still torment her and probably always will.
Wait - you almost dated Joni Mitchell???
Andrew,
There are rumors down here in Florida that there's been some hydrochloric acid off-gassing at an acid plant up there near you. Are you filling out paper work? Is S's husband still with us?
Additionally, I don't think it was Joni Mitchell because she apparently doesn't have a sister and she was married twice (one brief, the other not so brief). I don't think it'd be Diana Krall (she's smokin' hot).
Anyway, I came across a 25 foot wooden sloop that was built in Holland in 1954. It needs some work but it looks like it's in decent shape (based on the pictures - so no tellin'). It's free and it's up in New York, not too far from you.
Is it perhaps a FolkBoat? I came across one of those for sale on the side of the road maybe 20 years ago. The owner came out to talk to me when I stopped to look at it. He'd retired and spent years fixing her up and had intended to cruise the InterCoastal. Just as he was about done, his doctor told him that he had to stop sailing as his health wasn't up to it. Heart-breaking. A reminder to not wait for "some day" to do something you love. He'd done a beautiful job on it although I didn't agree with him epoxying the laps. There's a lot of these out there and they do often go fairly cheap. A rather narrow beam so they presumably require some careful attention to the tiller and sheets.
Her memoir is a raw examination of those demons, many of whom still torment her and probably always will.
Wait - you almost dated Joni Mitchell???
Nope although she is also a musician in addition to her other talents. She sang backup for Tina Turner at one point.
Valentines Day Eve and I've discovered that my cat Amy likes tea. Ewwww. Whiskers in my tea that aren't mine.
I'm on day 7 now of being under the weather. Felt pretty good when I woke up but started coughing shortly after. Saving a bunch of money on gas and transit fees at least by staying home. My boss had a quiet word with me on Tuesday and told me that it was a bad idea to come in to the office. Hopefully another couple of days of taking it easier and I'll be fine. Each day I feel better. I've told the office that I'll not be in for the rest of this week.
In some ways it's good that I'm not traveling. S - who has a bad back and suffers from spasms had her back go out on her rather badly yesterday morning. I got a text from her that she was on her way over to here to get a hug and some comfort. She was barely mobile. This happens to her about once a year and takes her a couple of weeks to get back to her version of normal. Unfortunately among her various allergies is also pretty much all of the standard pain meds so she has to just tough it out.
She went to the chiropractor - taking herself - she's stubborn - who prescribed rest, heat and when she's up to it some new exercises to strengthen her core. On the way back she picked up S13 who was ill at school and they're probably here for a couple of days. I popped out for some extra groceries for here and dropped off food for a few days to S17 who is fairly happy to have the apartment to himself for a few days although he's told his mother that he's eager to move into the house here.
I certainly got my bonus points. S needed help to dress and undress and to get in and out of the tub which she had a nice long soak in. The only time I had to do anything like this in the past was with my ex on the rare occasions when she'd get falling down drunk. And of course with young kids. The principles are the same, just the size is a bit different.
This is I think one of the first times that S has had someone take care of her when she has her back out. I cooked for everyone last night (chicken stir-fry - best I could manage at short notice) so all she had to do was rest and get S13 to bed. Going to do a garlic sausage and potato bake for dinner tonight. I usually only cook dinner once a week so this is unusual for me. S wants to help but her back isn't up to standing for any length of time right now.
I picked up the treats for S from my friend's cafe around the corner yesterday. She did an amazing job - S will be so very pleased. I know she'll like the treats because S works part-time at this cafe. Later this afternoon I'll pick up the flowers for S - we may celebrate Valentines tonight. I also have a card and treat for S25 which I'll leave out for when he gets home from work tomorrow morning.
It will be nice to have my sweetie here on Valentines even considering the circumstances. I remember my last Valentines with my ex - I'd gone out of my way like usual to get her special favourite treats and a card which she barely glanced at. I got a generic card which professed undying love or some junk. At that point she was deep into the affair though. I was rather hurt by being ignored but had no clue at all as to the reason.
Is it perhaps a FolkBoat?
I'm not sure of the make. The listing mentions "Quest," but I think that's the name of the boat. It doesn't use laps, but it is a nice looking sailboat. Do this to see a picture of it:
Go to free-boat dot com and click "SAILBOAT" in the menu at the top of the page. Scroll down until you see "25' dutch wooden sloop (Kingston NY)." It should be on the first page of the sailboat listing.
The mystery woman is Gloria Reuben.
Is it perhaps a FolkBoat?
I'm not sure of the make. The listing mentions "Quest," but I think that's the name of the boat. It doesn't use laps, but it is a nice looking sailboat. Do this to see a picture of it:
Go to free-boat dot com and click "SAILBOAT" in the menu at the top of the page. Scroll down until you see "25' dutch wooden sloop (Kingston NY)." It should be on the first page of the sailboat listing.
It looks a lot like a folkboat. Similar lines and cabin. I think that they were built both with lapstrake and carvel planking. But yes - most likely not that design. When you mentioned "Dutch" I was originally thinking of one of those designs with lee-boards. You can sail those on a heavy fog. An acquaintance of mine built a Stevenson designed Pocket Cruiser and added lee-boards to it. It sailed rather well.
I'm not keen that they swapped out the inboard diesel for an outboard. Practical perhaps but hurts the look. It has a fairly small sail plan too by the look of the spars although the size of the headsail could be pretty much as big as you want.
I think it would be more than a bit of a "project" and the cost to transport it overland would be substantial. Trying to sail it down the intercoastal could be done as she doesn't seem to draw a lot of water. You and one of the boys would certainly have a grand adventure in the process though.
The mystery woman is Gloria Reuben.
I am uncertain on her opinions on tacos. It is relevant though that any random person can be dealing with issues that you have no comprehension of. Good reason to just generally be kind.
I think it would be more than a bit of a "project" and the cost to transport it overland would be substantial. Trying to sail it down the intercoastal could be done as she doesn't seem to draw a lot of water. You and one of the boys would certainly have a grand adventure in the process though.
I've got too much going on right now to take on a project like that. I've got three years to find the perfect catamaran, which won't be a fixer-upper, and then I'm off to the Bahamas.
The mystery woman is Gloria Reuben.
I am uncertain on her opinions on tacos. It is relevant though that any random person can be dealing with issues that you have no comprehension of. Good reason to just generally be kind.
Her bio says that she loves tacos and guys named Andrew.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Finally a happy one although last year at this time I was expecting my first date with B so was pretty upbeat then too I would imagine.
Since I had to pick up the flowers yesterday afternoon, S and I did the Valentines exchange then. She was very happy with her treats, flowers and card. She seemed surprised that all the treats were gluten free even though it's our mutual friend who made them. She got me a sweet card that I will admit made me go misty-eyed. My cat Liz enjoyed eating the flowers until we spotted her and moved them up out of reach. Interesting talking to the florist (not FSL) who has been divorced for quite a few years but has been in a steady relationship for some time. She was surprised that I'm interested in getting married. She has no interest in doing anything like that herself.
S's back is a bit better but she's still resting it. I think she is feeling a bit spoiled that she doesn't have to lift a finger and can just rest and heal. She expressed some disappointment that for Valentines morning that there was no "extra fun" but we both know that her back issues are the priority. There's lots of time for that sort of stuff on other days.
This morning I got S13 up, breakfasted and drove him in to school. It was a surprisingly drama free event although I did point out to him during the second wake-up call that I was doing this for even more years than his mother and knew all the tricks. He did make a point of going up to tell his mother Happy Valentines without prompting before we left. He even ate the entire healthy hot breakfast I made for him.
I'll need to pick him up after school as well. S17 has his own thing figured out. I stopped by yesterday afternoon when picking up my flowers and checked on him and all was fine.
I joked to S that this "what to feed people every day" thing is tough. I pulled some steaks out for tonight's dinner. My pantry isn't actually set up for making a family dinner each day although one of my brothers is having a cow done so I have ordered a 1/4 from him. We still have to figure out what cuts to get. This is completely outside of S's experience but once we have that in the freezer, then the protein side of meals will be easier. S13 thinks we should just keep the cow as a pet but doesn't seem too bothered that it will be turned into ribs and steaks. The infamous freezer (for those playing the home game) has been tested and still works fine and will soon be re-loaded.
I'm looking forward to introducing the S and the boys to the farm with it's wood and streams, wildlife and quiet places. I have a canoe here that I built and need to get to finish off the partly done row boat that has been sitting for longer than I care to admit. There's lots of places to splash around in. My youngest brother, whose farm it is, is pretty open to people wandering around.
My dad raises cattle and hogs, so we regularly get all of our beef and pork from him. There is nothing in this world like farm-raised fresh beef. It is a rare occasion to stop by my dad's house and not leave with at least several pounds of fresh ground beef and however many dozen eggs you will willingly accept plus a few dozen that he sticks in the truck when you aren't looking. LOL They do a huge garden in the summer as well, so trips by there in the summer often find us leaving with at least a few fresh veggies. It is a pretty sweet gig, really. We have blueberry bushes at our house so I am prone to taking a blueberry cobbler to my dad as a thank you for all the stuff he provides us. People who have never had the opportunity to have meat fresh off the farm really don't know what they are missing. It is AMAZING!
I know I’ve not been keeping up fully but have they moved in already? It most certainly sounds that way. Or maybe you’re at S’s house? But then the cats got into her flowers. I’m confused - even more than usual. Or have I missed something?
Happy Valentine's Day! Finally a happy one although last year at this time I was expecting my first date with B so was pretty upbeat then too I would imagine.
Wow, that’s a full year with two major Rs and an engagement packed into less than 365 days!
I’m confused - even more than usual. Or have I missed something?
Andrew's and S's living situation is evolving. S is preggers, but she claims it's not hers. Andrew and S discovered that they're half-brother and half-sister but they decided it doesn't matter because half is better than whole. Gloria is moving back to Toronto from NYC and she wants Andrew, but she doesn't realize Andrew won't be available for dating until Gloria gets married. No one knows the whereabouts of S's husband and Ozzy Osbourne would like to move in with Andrew and S if it's okay with S25. And the row boat at the farm needs a bottom; it's very important that boats have a bottom even if it's a glass bottom like the boats they have in the Canadian Royal Navy. Furthermore, it's roughly a 30 minute drive to the fair with large vegetables.
I hope that helps.
S is preggers, but she claims it's not hers.
I'm thinking that it's probably another cat. It hasn't barked yet and cats can be stand-offish.
Andrew and S discovered that they're half-brother and half-sister but they decided it doesn't matter because half is better than whole.
And considering that I'm my own third cousin once removed, that's the easy bit. We are "very" rural here
Gloria is moving back to Toronto from NYC and she wants Andrew, but she doesn't realize Andrew won't be available for dating until Gloria gets married.
And she's got a new album coming out so has to stay in NYC - or is it Italy - anyhoo - not Toronto any time soon.
No one knows the whereabouts of S's husband
Nobody's telling me. The last time I saw the guy has to be probably 2 or 3 years ago. That's my story.
and Ozzy Osbourne would like to move in with Andrew and S if it's okay with S25.
And the local power utility. I only have an small electrical service - 2X 40 amp circuits - so couldn't support even an amateur smoke machine.
And the row boat at the farm needs a bottom; it's very important that boats have a bottom even if it's a glass bottom like the boats they have in the Canadian Royal Navy.
I'm still waiting for the parliamentary budget office to approve the expenditure.
Furthermore, it's roughly a 30 minute drive to the fair with large vegetables.
I'm surprised - and not surprised that you remembered that. An important number and undboubtedly one of the keys to finding the Treasure of Monte Zoom.
Perfectly clear to me.
I’m confused - even more than usual. Or have I missed something?
Andrew's and S's living situation is evolving. S is preggers, but she claims it's not hers. Andrew and S discovered that they're half-brother and half-sister but they decided it doesn't matter because half is better than whole. Gloria is moving back to Toronto from NYC and she wants Andrew, but she doesn't realize Andrew won't be available for dating until Gloria gets married. No one knows the whereabouts of S's husband and Ozzy Osbourne would like to move in with Andrew and S if it's okay with S25. And the row boat at the farm needs a bottom; it's very important that boats have a bottom even if it's a glass bottom like the boats they have in the Canadian Royal Navy. Furthermore, it's roughly a 30 minute drive to the fair with large vegetables.
I hope that helps.
PMSL!
Actually... no it doesn't - in fact I'm even more confused now than I was before and Andrew, Doodler, nor anyone else has answered my question.
On top of it all, I had to look up "PMSL" I'd never heard that one - but at least I learned some British Internet speak today. Unfortunately I also think I'm back in Krazytown again.
Don,
I think Andrew stated a few pages back that S and her son would move in after school lets out at the end of the school year. Right now, they come over to visit and "play house" periodically on the weekend. I can only "assume" that Andrew thought it would be nice to have S and her son there for Valentine's Day and also the weekend, whereby his home is larger than her place and he could take care of her and watch over the son.
I have a question and yes, i am with Don on this.
It seem irrational and premature to go so far so fast.
Many things don' t make sense to me here.
There has got to be more to it.. ????
My question: Are you looking for a reaction from the ladies?
You bring up your ex-w often with a " not my circus " and "the cheese".
You look at B' s fb regularly to see if she has blocked you again.
S does not spread the news of your relationship to her family ( probably because SHE IS MARRIED) so you post a PICTURE OF THE BOTH OF YOU on fb with a happy valentine to my sweety.
I don' t get it. I don' t like it. I don' t think it is right.
ETB, have you missed the part where she was separated from her husband for five years? Or the fact that she threw her back out and is at his place this weekend so he can take care of her while she’s incapacitated?
I don’t have a problem with any of that. Just be careful about posting publicly though Andrew - I’d still be worried about it riling up her ex so he makes the divorce more difficult on her.
Thanks kml. S also posted something independently and I have her STBX blocked. With that said, the odds are low that he's not fully aware of what is going on for quite a while, but there is no need to poke the bear.
S is doing better. She still needs a bit of help to dress but was up to some moderate kitchen dancing to a favourite Etta James tune. I took her S13 to his BBall practice which was odd to watch. He's close to 2 feet shorter than the taller players but has lots of enthusiasm and hustle. I made sure to let him know that I thought he did great. He may be going to his Dad's for much of the weekend. Since I've been under the weather with this darned cold myself, the extra caring has been a lot. It's not as if I have super powers like a Mom does
So I asked S and yes she got a text from her STBX after her separate Valentines Day post on social media. Some random questions - "is this the guy you've been dating", "is he local". Fairly random stuff.
Each day she's doing better. We're hoping that today she'll be up for an outside expedition to the cafe around the corner for soup for lunch. I did make a big pot of butternut squash soup and grilled cheese for our dinner last night. I think she's feeling a bit spoiled. S and I are going to collaboratively make a lasagna for Sunday Supper tonight.
I'm feeling almost myself again. Still a bit of a cough and minor congestion. I'm planning on doing a lot of cleaning in the next few days - I've not had much time for it lately and let some things slip. I'm also planning on a couple of longer solo walks around the village. S has volunteered to assist with the dusting which is perhaps all that she would be up for. We are both looking forward to her back feeling better and last night she explained to me in some detail what she had in mind when that happens. I "really" want her back to feel better now
She'll probably go back to her apartment sometime tomorrow.
One of the several positive things about S being around and my being under the weather is that with no beer and eating healthy that I've pretty much lost the weight I put on over Christmas.
We had a talk about how we'll be managing finances. I'm much more of a detail and long term planner sort than S is. Understandable in many ways since for most of her adult life she's gone cheque to cheque and had to juggle and make decisions in the moment. A life I understand well. My assortment of charts, graphs and spreadsheets baffle her.
Because of the large gap in our incomes we're thinking of a mostly joined financial operation with any assets or debts from previous kept separate. This is pretty much exactly what I had in my married life and for us it worked well. A key thing for both of us is transparency and accountability which we're not sure how we'll get to. I currently use an older version of software called YNAB which I'd like her to use too when we get to that point. She currently does her finances in a spiral notebook in pen and paper with various stroking out and adjusting as she works through the month. An old-fashioned system that does work. She had a lot of issues in her past marriages on not having any access or control over the finances and then bills not being paid, the heat being turned off with small kids in the house or money just suddenly vanishing. I tend to believe those stories especially having met XH#2 What method we actually end up using to manage the budget and communicate planned and actual spending is still up in the air.
Her D17 showed up very early morning yesterday with her dog being dropped off by her boyfriend and crashed here for much of the day until her BF got off work. They took S13 out to their Dad's for a couple of days so no kids underfoot at present. I had a talk to S about D17's boyfriend. He gives me an odd vibe. Just sort of creepy. He's been with D17 for perhaps 3 years or so and they've more or less lived together for well over a year. They were in S's apartment until they had enough of "the rules" and moved in with his mother which lasted less than a month and they were back with a dog in tow. That lasted for a couple of months until S's landlord put her foot down about the extra dog and then they moved out. BF back in with his mother, D17 and the dog in with S's STBX (everyone's bingo card up to date?). The BF spends most days there. Their "host" agreed to D17 and the dog as a "room-mate" setup and because as S points out, despite his flaws he's a generally decent guy who is genuinely fond of the kids even if in recent years hasn't been an active part of their lives. The addition of BF, another car and another friend who needed a place to crash has undoubtedly upset his rather ordered life. It seems that in the last week or so he's been more than usually grumpy. D17 has a couple of backup plans available none of which involve me if her housing needs to shift again.
The BF is very quiet, has little to say. Spends most of his time wrapped around D17. Works a "teenager" job at a coffee shop despite being 19 and out of school. Doesn't have to pay rent so is presumably happy with the pay scale. No solid plans but thinks maybe someday going to bartender school.
D17 is planning on going to some sort of acting / drama school in the fall. She picks up some work as an actor and model fairly regularly for the last couple of years which as a pretty, young white girl is actually fairly tough so I've been told. She recently was in a Netflix Christmas movie and even had a couple of lines. Some of her recent work is in stock photography where she looks like a stereotypical student. She works part time at an auto-assembly plant too.
BF just assumes the hospitality and fridge contents of wherever he happens to be. I was shocked yesterday when I turned around and he was just walking in to my house without knocking or even saying hello to me as I stood in the kitchen. According to reports they argue quite a lot, especially about BF's tendency to make plans including big ones without talking to D17. S expects this to fizzle out / explode out by the summer when they each go their own ways for school - or we presume they will. I did make it clear and S agreed that we are not adopting their dog if it gets abandoned when this happens. We just don't have the time or energy for this moderately sized and very active dog. Unsurprisingly, S has a backup plan which should work if it needs to be triggered so that the pup will be properly loved and cared for.
I've reached out to 20S about her stuff in the house and let her know that we're going to be doing some re-decorating soon and that her stuff needs to be moved. She gave a non-commital answer. She's going through some rather difficult things herself which may mean that she'll actually "need" this stuff and said that she'll call me to talk in the next day or so. We'll see.
Well - enough for now. I hope everyone has a great Family Day / President's Day / Whatever weekend.
Andrew,
I'm glad that you and S are on the mend...but I'm not shocked at all by the way your house has become a revolving door for S's family this early on. As for her daughter's BF, I hope you addressed the issue w/him about coming into your home w/o knocking and waiting for someone to answer the door. If you didn't, don't be surprised one day to come downstairs and he will be in your refrigerator looking for something to fix for breakfast. It is important to set your boundaries now before the S and S13 moves in after school ends.
I mentioned to you several pages back not to be afraid to say "no". Well, as I see it, you definitely need to set some strong boundaries about her "older" children just dropping in and staying most of the day w/o checking to see if it is okay and especially that BF. It's okay to rock this boat...they need to learn some respect for others privacy as well a to respect the home of someone who isn't married to their mother as yet. They have been testing you for quite some time and think that you are an old softie and that they will be able to walk all over you. I hope I'm wrong about that...but it is time to nip it in the bud.
Hello Andrew
Happy whatever day to you as well. Ok technically it is tomorrow. I would have rather my province went along with a Family Day, but apparently the ruling government doesn’t need my signature or okey dokey to do stuff.
But any day off with pay is a good day - call it whatever you want. Yippee!
I agree with job about BF and the others. No need to rewrite what she eloquently stated.
I do think a firm approach to BF is required. It’s one thing for soon to be family, but BF is something else. I would be pretty shocked if my daughter’s BF just walked in and opened my fridge. Of course BFs and GFs do elevate to “family-like” status in time, case in point S21’s GF is like a daughter to me.
I think what really shocked me about BF is the no greeting. My kids and their GFs/BFs all say hello when they enter. To do otherwise is rude and disrespectful.
Some random questions - "is this the guy you've been dating", "is he local". Fairly random stuff.
There is nothing random about those texted questions. STBXH is purposefully querying and poking around for information.
You and S can treat it as inconsequential, as it well may be; but it’s not random. Which leads to the question of why is he asking? Maybe he’s just curious.
I hope S’s back is back in shape soon. I think your innuendo laced metaphorical pros won’t suffice much longer.
Lol - back is back, sounds like an AC/DC song. Admit it, you just sang that.
Your back is back
Let’s hit the sack
I’m so glad you saw the chiropract
Yes, I’m in the mood
To get n#de
So let’s get fooling around
Been looking at the sky
And it’s making me cry
Waiting so long thought I was gonna die
This man
Has a plan
To rock this house in upper lower middle Kanukistan
Gosh, I best knock before entering.
DnJ
D you just scared the heck out of me with that rap song
We had a talk about how we'll be managing finances. I'm much more of a detail and long term planner sort than S is. Understandable in many ways since for most of her adult life she's gone cheque to cheque and had to juggle and make decisions in the moment. A life I understand well. My assortment of charts, graphs and spreadsheets baffle her.
Because of the large gap in our incomes we're thinking of a mostly joined financial operation with any assets or debts from previous kept separate. This is pretty much exactly what I had in my married life and for us it worked well. A key thing for both of us is transparency and accountability which we're not sure how we'll get to. I currently use an older version of software called YNAB which I'd like her to use too when we get to that point. She currently does her finances in a spiral notebook in pen and paper with various stroking out and adjusting as she works through the month. An old-fashioned system that does work. She had a lot of issues in her past marriages on not having any access or control over the finances and then bills not being paid, the heat being turned off with small kids in the house or money just suddenly vanishing. I tend to believe those stories especially having met XH#2 What method we actually end up using to manage the budget and communicate planned and actual spending is still up in the air.
Her D17 showed up very early morning yesterday with her dog being dropped off by her boyfriend and crashed here for much of the day until her BF got off work. They took S13 out to their Dad's for a couple of days so no kids underfoot at present. I had a talk to S about D17's boyfriend. He gives me an odd vibe. Just sort of creepy. He's been with D17 for perhaps 3 years or so and they've more or less lived together for well over a year. They were in S's apartment until they had enough of "the rules" and moved in with his mother which lasted less than a month and they were back with a dog in tow. That lasted for a couple of months until S's landlord put her foot down about the extra dog and then they moved out. BF back in with his mother, D17 and the dog in with S's STBX (everyone's bingo card up to date?). The BF spends most days there. Their "host" agreed to D17 and the dog as a "room-mate" setup and because as S points out, despite his flaws he's a generally decent guy who is genuinely fond of the kids even if in recent years hasn't been an active part of their lives. The addition of BF, another car and another friend who needed a place to crash has undoubtedly upset his rather ordered life. It seems that in the last week or so he's been more than usually grumpy. D17 has a couple of backup plans available none of which involve me if her housing needs to shift again.
The BF is very quiet, has little to say. Spends most of his time wrapped around D17. Works a "teenager" job at a coffee shop despite being 19 and out of school. Doesn't have to pay rent so is presumably happy with the pay scale. No solid plans but thinks maybe someday going to bartender school.
D17 is planning on going to some sort of acting / drama school in the fall. She picks up some work as an actor and model fairly regularly for the last couple of years which as a pretty, young white girl is actually fairly tough so I've been told. She recently was in a Netflix Christmas movie and even had a couple of lines. Some of her recent work is in stock photography where she looks like a stereotypical student. She works part time at an auto-assembly plant too.
BF just assumes the hospitality and fridge contents of wherever he happens to be. I was shocked yesterday when I turned around and he was just walking in to my house without knocking or even saying hello to me as I stood in the kitchen. According to reports they argue quite a lot, especially about BF's tendency to make plans including big ones without talking to D17. S expects this to fizzle out / explode out by the summer when they each go their own ways for school - or we presume they will. I did make it clear and S agreed that we are not adopting their dog if it gets abandoned when this happens. We just don't have the time or energy for this moderately sized and very active dog. Unsurprisingly, S has a backup plan which should work if it needs to be triggered so that the pup will be properly loved and cared for.
I've reached out to 20S about her stuff in the house and let her know that we're going to be doing some re-decorating soon and that her stuff needs to be moved. She gave a non-commital answer. She's going through some rather difficult things herself which may mean that she'll actually "need" this stuff and said that she'll call me to talk in the next day or so. We'll see.
Reading your post reminded me of the Metallica lyrics, "The soothing light at the end of the tunnel is just a freight train coming your way."
Reading your post reminded me of the Metallica lyrics, "The soothing light at the end of the tunnel is just a freight train coming your way."
That's why I keep posting - to get perspective.
I'm surprised you're not packing your kit bag to go to Croatia with DV on her catamaran.
I would not like fact that someone you barely know just walks in your house and just eats your food. Like you are running a bed and breakfast. Just be careful my man.
Actually he wasn't going through my fridge - it was a reference to how he treats S's home and presumably the place where D17 is living. On the couple of times he's been here and the times I've seen him at S's apartment where he lived for a couple of years (long story) he doesn't interact with anyone else, just sits either alone in a separate room when D17 isn't around or in as close proximity to her as he can physically manage when she's there.
I did talk to S about him and my feelings and we both agree that we find that he's more than a bit of an "taker". S being even more of a rescuer than I am has been - IMO - taken advantage of for several years which as a single mom on a fixed income it is undoubtedly rather hard to have a full sized teenager and his appetite stay for years.
He reminds me a lot of a situation that happened to me a bunch of years ago. One of S25 (then perhaps 15 or 16) had a friend who he said had a troubled home situation, who had a history of couch surfing who needed a place. He made the choice that this friend could stay in his room for a short while while he sorted things out. My wife and I agreed - somewhat reluctantly at least on my part. S25 was very determined to help his friend.
Kid moves in, sleeps on a mat on the floor. Eats our food, sits on the couch, doesn't offer to help around the house at all, doesn't show any appreciation for his rescue. A week goes by. His mother comes for a visit. They get along fabulously. I hear them talking about moving more of his stuff in and how they will be managing holidays (this was in late fall).
Kid starts inviting other friends over to the house including S25's GF who vanished up to the bedroom (presumably innocently) for some time. I start researching support services for young teens since this kid is obviously not looking for any of the "help" he claimed to S25 that he needed.
A few more days and I confront S25 and tell him that his friend needs to contact one of these social agencies to get the proper support that he needs and has 1 week to do so and get his act together.
Kid moves back home with his mom. They open a pizza restaurant together.
Fast forward a few more years and this kid is now dating 20S. He's still "moody and troubled". 20S does all the work around the house they're renting for him AND his younger brother who also "has trouble with his mother". 20S finds out that the kid has been cheating on her all along AND has given her an STD and eventually bails.
Yeah - so I am being rather cautious about this. And have already stated that under no circumstances is he moving in here. He has a place with his over-protective mother.
Reading your post reminded me of the Metallica lyrics, "The soothing light at the end of the tunnel is just a freight train coming your way."
That's why I keep posting - to get perspective.
In my opinion, D17's BF is the least of your worries. He's just part of the 10% of the iceberg that you can see through the fog.
I'm surprised you're not packing your kit bag to go to Croatia with DV on her catamaran.
How'd I miss that? I'v never been to eastern Europe, but I know, via YouTube, that there are a lot of beautiful non-touristy places there.
Back to the grind. Off to the corporate office today. It's been about 2 weeks since I was in the office regularly with a combination of vacation and then being sick after.
S and S13 headed back to the apartment after dinner. It was weird going to bed without her and waking up alone. Given her alcohol alergy I don't have anything to drink around her but enjoyed a couple of beer as I cleaned up the kitchen before bed. A third was mostly poured down the drain as I decided I didn't want it and was done in the kitchen anyway. We've more or less spent the last 2 weeks together so it's both nice and not nice to be alone again.
I do think that S25 was happy to see the back of them. He's polite but having others in the house is something he's not used to at all. In the first few days he was around, actually more than usual but the last couple of days he spent mostly in his room which is his common thing when it's just him and I. I dunno - probably reading more into this than there is.
S heard from her STBX on the weekend. General divorce logistics stuff for the most part and she said that he had asked if she had any single friends she could introduce him to
I did manage to get a "once-through" of the house cleaning done plus a couple of decent walks around the village. S spent some time looking up wedding venues and happily pinning away on Pinterest. I think we're largely in agreement on the idea of a small venue and guest list in a rural / natural environment. The inn we stayed at in the fall looks like a prime choice.
Even though it will be a struggle for her, S and I think that she's well enough now to be able to manage much of the day-to-day stuff. We'll see. I told her that if she's struggling to let me know and I'd be there to help. She may well have gone to bed with her socks on - bending over sends her back into spasms still. It's a hit in the budget for her, but she's lost the last few shifts at the cafe due first to the vacation and now due to her back. We went there on Sunday for brunch and it was obvious to everyone that she still has a ways to go.
This is the first episode she's had in a year. It came after a period where she didn't get out and be active that included a long drive to the water park, bouncing around there and then she did some re-arranging in her apartment. So - certainly over-doing things.
Well - time to head off for my day. I have a meeting with a financial planner that the company provides us access to once a year and will hear what my bonus will be. I do know that it's going to be modest as it's been a tough year with the corporate reorganization and a down-turn in some of our resin business.
Have a good one all!
The talk about triggers from bttrfly's thread prompts me to post about something that I've been having difficulty working through.
One of S's issues with her prior relationships is that she didn't feel that her opinion mattered nor that she was "heard". She said that her partners would claim to listen to what she had to say and then go ahead with whatever they wanted without regard to her opinions. If she thought she had a clear path to her own choices such as picking decorating she would be derided and belittled if she actually followed through with it. This is one of the things that she's been working through in therapy I believe.
In my own marriage in many ways I also felt that I never had a voice on what we did or how it was done. I provided a paycheque, lifted things down from high shelves and opened jars. My ex decided where we went on vacation, how we decorated, where and when we would go out and with who etc etc. If I expressed an opinion that in any way conflicted with her's I would be verbally slapped down and told that I was an idiot and had no idea what I was talking about, even on topics that I knew well. It's rather nice to not have that even if at times, especially with things like decorating, I'm completely at a loss as to what to do.
Thus far S at first reluctantly and then more confidently has been calling me out when I seem to not be listening to her or asking her input on decisions. She's right in some of the cases. I'm used to living alone and making decisions without regard to others. I thank her for doing that because it's important that both of us have a voice and that both voices are heard. That's probably why she's feeling more confident about doing it.
At the same time, it's feeling like my own opinions are being minimized and that we're not being collaborative. We've talked about this some, most recently agreeing that we need to be more clear to the other person on when we actually are making our wants known.
Even though it's good that she's finding her voice, at times it does feel like I'm being scolded or chastised and that makes me feel "less than". Echos of how I felt I was being treated in my marriage. Triggers if you will. I do know that if this isn't dealt with and both voices get heard equally it could lead me down the path that I lived on for many years in my own marriage.
Not easy stuff and I'm not sure how best to go about it. Exploring my thoughts here is one of the steps to take to organize my own thoughts. I find writing things down helps me a lot in that. Talking openly together about it is the first start though. I hope and expect that a combination of her finding her voice and my own timidity is creating some of this uneasy dynamic.
--------------------
As a humorous aside I had to talk to S about S13 making comparisons between me and her STBX. It seems that I'm much slimmer, younger and have much better personal hygiene. I asked her to mention to him that it's not a contest. S13 was also confused when he over-heard us talking about budgets on how combined we would have more disposable income than living separately in separate households. It's good that he's interested in this IMO and I try to answer any of his questions seriously.
------------
The weekend should be good. There's a bridal show that S and I would like to go to to get some ideas for planning. She's kid free as S13 will be with his Dad and S17 is on a plane heading out with his sister to visit their uncle. Since this leaves the critters at the apartment without a care-giver I'm planning on overnighting there on Saturday.
Maybe we'll make a blanket fort, get some snacks and talk etc. Her back is feeling a lot better even if she has a ways to go for full mobility. My own cold / flu / whatever seems to be pretty much gone except for a slight cough which is good.
It seems that I'm much slimmer, younger and have much better personal hygiene.
All good things!
Not easy stuff and I'm not sure how best to go about it. Exploring my thoughts here is one of the steps to take to organize my own thoughts. I find writing things down helps me a lot in that. Talking openly together about it is the first start though. I hope and expect that a combination of her finding her voice and my own timidity is creating some of this uneasy dynamic.
Andrew,
You need to get a copy of my new book, "Pepper Spray: How to quickly and easily resolve marital and relationship issues."
Oh, doodler!
I about fell off my chair laughing at your response to Andrew...pepper spray??? I can just see Andrew with that can of pepper spray to help "clear" the air in talking openly w/S and vice versa!
Imagining what the book cover might look like ...
Speaking of books - new thread
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2886862&#Post2886862Pyke notte thyne errys
nothyr thy nostrellys
Sound advice from a different time.
Baking cookies today are you?