Mark
I am one of the ones who also did not want divorce. My XH was a liar and a cheater (I found out) and not a “partner”. He was in it purely for his own needs. I think he was genuine in wanting a life with me at the beginning but when our lives got a bit hard and stressful (kids, finances, moving, job stress, long commutes), instead of doubling down and trying to be an equal partner, he left everything to me and bailed. At first he checked out emotionally and then he found a way to check out physically. Four years of epic lies and gaslighting... it would be almost unbelievable if I hadn’t lived it. When I found out about some of it (I will never know the full extent of it), I was beyond devastated. Felt stupid, blamed myself, wondered what was wrong with me that someone who claimed to love me could disrespect me in that way... the usual feelings LBSs go through. And I grieved the loss of the future I thought I would have and even more so the future I thought my kids would have. They were, after all, the innocent victims in all of this. I was raised in an intact family and had all of the advantages that affords... I wanted that for my kids.
But after I had time to really process it, I realized that I am so much better off now. And, ironically, my kids are too. They actually get to see their dad now and he has stepped up as a dad. He has also been a great co-parent. And I think he has, partially, recognized his role in destroying our marriage and maybe taken some responsibility...maybe. TBH, it really doesn’t matter to me anymore. I have fully recognized that I am MUCH better off without him. He was difficult to live with when he was home. Resentful, self-focused, reactive, rejecting and unforgiving. For the years that he was running away, he was completely checked out of his relationships that linked him to our marriage. He had everyone in our home (me, our kids, his mom, his daughter) walking around on egg shells. Even now, our kids and his mom (his daughter has stopped talking to him) are terrified of making him mad. I no longer have that issue and tbh, from what I can see, he really doesn’t get mad like he used to (not abusive just really, really difficult to live with). But the damage has been done so his past does come back to haunt him in that our kids are still reluctant to test this new dad and will go along with things even if they aren’t happy about it. Thankfully, though, I think that is getting better and they are trusting him more. I hope beyond hope, for their sake, that the changes they see are genuine and will last long term. I, unfortunately, will never fully trust him again. I trust that he loves our kids but even now, when he wants to change our schedule or asks me for a favour, I assume the reason he gives me is either a lie or a half truth. I hate that. Thankfully it no longer matters.
Anyway, like Juju, I also enjoyed OLD and found out I am considered a “catch”and there are a lot of guys out there who straight out told me they think my XH is an idiot. And I have just come out of my first post-divorce relationship that I left because I knew it wouldn’t work for me long term. For the first time in my life, when it comes to a relationship, I made a head decision instead of a heart one. I have learned a lot about myself and also what I want and need and I’m not going to settle anymore. I hated hurting him but I know it was the right thing to do. And...I’ve recently reconnected with an old (we’re talking 36 years ago) boyfriend who has so much in common with me now it is almost scary. He has turned into a fantastic human being and we are getting to know each other again and are both excited about the connection we have. Looking forward to seeing where it goes but also know I will be okay if it just turns into a renewed friendship.
Sorry for the long winded post... I have a tendency to write a lot. In a nut shell... if you had told me a year and a half ago that I would be feeling the way I feel and doing as well as I am, I would not have believed you. I thought my life was pretty much over. But, to the contrary, it feels like it is just beginning and I am grateful for all of the things my divorce has given me..... new friends and a deeper connection with old friends, new experiences, new opportunities, a closer relationship with my kids, independence, free time that I didn’t have before, an appreciation for the small things in life, improved self esteem, a new attitude (I no longer sweat the small stuff), a new body (I lost a lot of weight), etc... In short, I think I am just a better person all around. And I am happier. I also have a newfound confidence and am secure in the knowledge that I am a strong person who can get through anything which I don’t think I completely believed before. I do now. As has so often been said on here... When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. I really, really love lemonade. I hope you do too.