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Hitting My Stride III

Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 05:16 PM

New thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2880583#Post2880583
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 05:32 PM

Maybe I am biased because of the situation I lived through, but your post seems to support my theory. It normally seems to be the person who was walked out on is the one who is the more responsible one. We didn't itemize all the stuff we spent on the girls either because if we had, she would be in serious debt to us to this day, but there were some clear things lined out in their divorce that never happened and he never wanted to rock the boat because he was afraid she would take the girls away from him if he did, so he just let her get by with milking him when she could. It's seriously disgusting when women use men like that (or vice versa, as the case may be).
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 06:08 PM

I think I do it more out of compassion that anything else. It has nothing to do with me wanting her back and doing it with a secret agenda.

I am not worried about her taking them away from me either, she knows better than that. I just try to show some compassion, grace, and think big picture.

I just know that I have to interact with her on some level for the next 10 years of my life.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 06:28 PM

J,

I trust you know that it feels right to you.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 06:57 PM

I have a great life and am blessed in so many ways. I don't want to purposely make her struggle as some sort of punishment for what she did. I just don't think that is the right thing to do.

I have no desire to take her back it is merely about trying to be a good human being as while there are things I probably wont understand I don't have much anger any more. I also am beyond the point of analyzing whether or not this is a good DBing strategy. I could give a $hit less what she thinks.

I have been very open and honest with the DR on my views about it. I have also encouraged her to be more compassionate towards her XH as he is going through some health issues.

I also just spent $140 bucks on 2 dozen roses for our Anniversary. When can I graduate to grocery store flowers?????
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 07:13 PM

Much anger anymore. Please explain.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 07:18 PM

I would imagine I'm going to be in the minority opinion on the female side here, but in response to when can I graduate to grocery store flowers? A LONG time ago, man. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE getting flowers. And, it is nice to receive a big bouquet all prettied up from the florist delivered to my office. But, a $4 bouquet from the local Walmart is just as pretty and then my man can walk in and hand it to me and give me a hug and kiss to go with it. We have a local grocery store here that is a part of a regional chain and they have THE best flowers and you can even buy arrangements in vases. I got most of my wedding flowers there and they are way cheaper than an actual florist.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 07:19 PM

I think anger for what they did sometimes fuels the actions that we take. Once the anger subsides, and you move on with your life it doesn't really matter as much any more.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 07:24 PM

HAHA.....well D maybe I will try that for Valentines Day!!!
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 07:40 PM

I only ever got store bought flowers from M. And Iím sure if we would have made that 3 weeks we had to go to our 1 year , he wouldnít even have acknowledged the day. Probably dumped me so he didnít have to acknowledge it. So itís pretty safe to say $140 on flowers isnít necessary anymore.

The heart felt card with a personal note though is pretty special. And like $4
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 07:43 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I also just spent $140 bucks on 2 dozen roses for our Anniversary. When can I graduate to grocery store flowers?????
Personally I've had huge success in just giving the florist some general guidelines on colour and theme and a budget. Usually for $50 Canadian (about 75 cents US smile ) they can usually do something spectacular.

The florists I think like this as well as it allows them to both be creative and to use up the in-season stock that they have. My florist was telling me a few months ago that there was an on-going rose shortage because most of ours come from Columbia and there was some sort of availability issue.

And for the person who gets them, they get something different and "special" each time while all you have to do is just wave vaguely and leave the actual deciding up to someone else.

Does the Dr have a favourite flower? What are her favourite colours? We know that she loves her ranch and shooting stuff.

Silly side story. There was a friend I had in LA (not Lower Alabama) who I would send flowers to from time to time to cheer them up. After about the second or third order, suddenly I found I was on a preferred customer list and saw a note sent to the designer admonishing them to be "fabulous". This is a shop that mainly catered to the studio trade. I emailed them to mention that I'm just some random dude from Canada who is cheering up a friend who happened to live in LA and they assured me that I was indeed considered a premium customer.
Posted By: kml

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 07:50 PM

Quote
Iím sure if we would have made that 3 weeks we had to go to our 1 year , he wouldnít even have acknowledged the day. Probably dumped me so he didnít have to acknowledge it.


Ginger - most definitely!

In fact there's apparently a real trend of guys breaking up with girls before Xmas or Valentine's day to avoid the whole present thing. Guess it's harder to fake interest when he pressure's on.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 07:51 PM

And some sexy time
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 07:52 PM

Valentines Day is around the corner so maybe I can change it up then. I just told her that I loved her and that she was amazing in every way and of course I wished her a Happy 1 Year.

I have a hard time expressing my feelings sometimes. Something I need to work on.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 08:14 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9

I have a hard time expressing my feelings sometimes. Something I need to work on.


I think that can be an issue for people. I'm a very touchy feely and expressive person, but Sparky is not. However, he'll be very loving at random odd times. He says he's doing it because he likes how it feels when I do it to him and he's making a concerted effort to give me the same feeling without making me feel like I'm having to ask for it (thus the random odd times). Like, last night, we went to bed and the dog was hyper so it took her a few minutes to settle in. As we were petting and loving on her to get her settled, he said very out of the blue "thank you for being here for me and for loving me and being my wife". It was very genuine and very sweet. Effort is attractive. You might not always be on the same page expressing your feelings, but just showing you are trying will win you a WHOLE lot of points. And, I'm sure the dr notices such things.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 08:34 PM

I think you can effectively express your feelings through words, not actions. And you seem Like you expressed your feelings well.

Letís just say, as another example of M, he could tell me
How amazing I was, how much he loved me, how he appreciates everything I do for him and how I am always there for him.

But he couldnít show me.

And I use him as an example when I mention things to you, because quite honestly, your R with the doctor was apart of what made me question my R with M. I could have only wished he was half the boyfriend you are to the Dr.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 08:39 PM

I concur with G about your boyfriend quality with the dr. You do seem, at least from this perspective, to put a lot of time and effort into it and into making it all LOOK effortless to her. You clearly care for her deeply and make sure she feels that in both words and actions. Not all men are that way and sadly, a lot who aren't don't even really care to try and be that way and a little effort goes a long way with most women. I, personally, think it is a sign of maturity in a relationship. It isn't so much about putting the dr on a pedestal, but it is treating her well because she treats you well.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/14/20 09:47 PM

I meant to say ďwords and actionsĒ

You are a good partner. You are both fortunate to have each other
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/15/20 01:44 AM

You both are too kind, you're going to make me cry.. I think sometimes i don't realize how much I care for her. Then it just hits me when I really think about. I feel some of that has to do with how easy she has made it for me. I am not used to someone who treats me as well as she does.

We both tell each other quite frequently how lucky we are to have met. Still waiting to have our first fight smile
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/15/20 01:24 PM

Oh, you are totally smitten with the dr. If you could read your posts objectively (which you totally cannot because you are both living and writing them), you would see it like we all do. I mean, seriously....all the thought you put into her Christmas gifts and asking for our thoughts just to check yourself.

I'm glad you found someone like the dr. I think she has shown you that what some of us ladies on the board were telling you all along was true IS true. There are good, solid women out there who don't play games and know how to treat men well and know how to have a loving, mature, adult relationship. Just because some of are left behind doesn't mean that we are trash or not worthy of love or don't know how to love. It just means we had stupid partners. LOL

I think the key is not only do you tell each other you are lucky, but you SHOW each other you are lucky and actions always speak louder than words. As far as waiting for the first fight, Sparky and I started dating 2 years ago, got married 2 weeks ago, and we have had some minor disagreements that we immediately talked through and resolved, but we have yet to have a big fight because neither of us are confrontational and we really try to focus on talking about things as soon as they come up rather than letting them fester. It has served us well as a couple.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/15/20 01:29 PM

J,

You are a great man and a inspiration to everyone on the board! The doc is lucky, your kids are lucky, I am lucky to have you as a virtual friend and tour ex is a fool!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/15/20 03:37 PM

Ahhh L....you are going to make me squirt some too! I feel the same way brother! I just try to be the best person I can be each day, I try to be kind and keep things in perspective.

I am really excited that the woman's national soccer team is coming to town. I reached out to the X yesterday and asked her if I could get the girls as it was not my week and she said "of course". I bought the girls and I tickets to go watch them play and they are going to crap themselves. They play Japan so I am really pumped to take them. They both play soccer and watched the USA women play religiously!

It's times like this where I am grateful that my X and I can work together. I hope that when I think big picture about things like giving her some CS money early that it pays off with things like this.

The tickets were expensive so I did get insurance on them just in case something went down though smile

This is so exciting!!!!
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/15/20 06:30 PM

Great news TB!!! I, too, am grateful that my X and I can work together. Just this morning, I texted him that I think we are rocking this coparenting thing and thanked him for his flexibility. He thanked me as well and agreed that it is really good for our kids. Really, really happy that this is one thing he and I both agree on. It makes a world of difference, doesnít it?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/16/20 03:28 AM

That's awesome! It does make a world of difference and I know my kids notice and feel comfortable around the both of us when we are in each others company. I didn't ask for this but if I have to go through it then I wouldn't want it any other way.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/16/20 10:54 AM

Thatís my blessing too. If my ex has something going on or I do, we let our child go where the fun is at! I would never have her miss an event with her dad because itís ďmy timeĒ f you put the focus on the kids, you make the right choice.

My daughter tells me how happy she is because her parents get along and talk unlike most divorced parents. It makes a huge difference in their lives
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/16/20 05:02 PM

I think the main reason why my daughters made it through our D is because of how we handle it. They had their moments at times but for the most part got through it fairly easy.

1 yr today for me and the Dr. I ordered flowers on Tuesday and tonight we are going out to eat at the place we went on our first date. She sent me a sweet text at 6:30 this morning when I was on my way to the gym and I responded in kind. She tells me all the time how much of a blessing I am to her. I guess we shall see what is in store for us over the next year. I will say the texting and not seeing each other all the time is getting a little old but I am still not ready to get married. I think we still need some more time together and my girls especially need to spend more time with her.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/17/20 03:03 PM

We had our date last night, the Dr. loved her 2 dozen roses, and plastered them and us all over FB and IG. Dinner was great although after working all day and getting up early for the gym we had to rally some to make it out. Since she has met my parents they are all friends on FB now so my mom is commenting, my step mom is commenting. SMH.

The topic of marriage came up again and also me spending the night during the weeks when I don't have my girls. I actually kind of stepped into that one. It was cold, rainy and nasty last night and after dinner we were going back to her place for some sexy time as she got a sitter for her son. I commented that it was going to be hard to leave due to being out, having a few drinks, indoor Olympics and the weather. Mind you I have never spent the night once during the week. I go over for sexy time and then leave to the comfort of my own home. She then popped up and said "well you can spend the night". I was like uggghhhh, I had such a perfect arrangement going. Anyway, I told her that I would but that I would only do it if her son knew about it ahead of time. Truthfully, I didn't want him coming down the stairs to a locked bedroom with me in his mom's bed and him not expecting it. She wasn't concerned about it but I told her I was, that I wanted him to know as all the other times it has happened he knew about it.

Funny thing is that I was talking to one of my gym buddies and he asked me how things were going so him and I got on this topic a couple of months back. He recently got married and made mention of him spending the night at her place while they were dating and how he didn't sleep well, etc. So when I told him I had never spent the night during the week he was like...ÖÖ"Man, that is awesome!!!"

I think the jig is up!
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/17/20 03:55 PM

I dunno. I kind of like how when they start snoring when you have your arms around them, you can slide back with a satisfied "job well done".
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/17/20 04:04 PM

LOL.....well just to clarify they have their arms around me smile
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/21/20 03:04 PM

Not much to report. Friday night the Dr. and I went out to eat with some friends of hers and on Saturday we went to a United Way fundraising event that was fun. I got my girls on Sunday afternoon and the Dr. and her son came over for a bit Sunday night and hung out. Yesterday I had my girls and her son for most of the day as there was no school so they mostly just played outside since it was a really nice day. So we did see each other for a bit yesterday however we won't get any quality time until Saturday.

Other than that not much else going on. I have the girls this week so I will be pretty busy between their activities, school, etc.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/27/20 12:48 PM

The weekend was very interesting. The docs xh was admitted into the er and eventually moved into icu as his heart was only functioning at 10%. She ended up spending all day sat and sun with him and his family, translating medical information and being there for whatever support she could provide.

I ended up having her son all day Sunday and my xw got to meet him when she came to pick up the girls. It wasnt awkward however she volunteered to take him to the park with her and the girls which declined as I didn't feel comfortable. We ended up meeting them over there but told her I had to take him home to his house first to get his drone so he could fly it.

I trust my xw but he doesn't know her, the dr doesnt know her either and the doc put him in my care, not my xws so I didn't feel it was appropriate. Anyway it was kind of wierd and when my xw offered I dont think she was thinking and obviously thought it was no big deal.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/27/20 01:20 PM

first, I think itís good you are taking the doctors son. Secondly, heís a kid. And no matters whoís kid, itís like a motherly instinct to see the 3 playing and want to take them all. Your exW seems like she is a pretty natural mother, and sheís a teacher, so what she is seeing is a little boy, not the drís son. I am very much the same way. But I totally get the awkwardness and I wouldnít say yes unless the score knew and was comfortable with.

It really is a beautiful thing when everyone gets along
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/27/20 01:39 PM

It is much better on everyone, you're right I don't think my x thought anything about it. I was the one that probably felt more awkward. The doc doesn't know my x, her son doesn't know my x and if something happened and he wasnt in my care I would have been really upset. I know she is my x and former wife but things are different know and someone else's kid is involved. I feel bad I technically didnt let my x take him but it's not the same as it was when we were married.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/27/20 01:46 PM

I certainly wouldnít have done it either. You made the right choice.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/27/20 02:19 PM

Thanks.....it was more out of respect for the doc then me being concerned about my xw and her mothering skills.
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/27/20 04:36 PM

Absolutely TB. Iím sure your XW understood that and didnít think you were questioning her parenting skills. I would have done the same thing as you. Hope the docís XH improves. Sounds like it is pretty serious. Good for her for helping the family. Sheís a keeper!!!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/27/20 06:43 PM

Hopefully so but it is what it is. She is a keeper and her xh was really sick. He has a history of heart issues in his family and is one of those guys that never gets a check up and downplays his symptoms. He has been reaching out to the doc more frequently as his symptoms have got worse and he finally got to the point were he was convinced he needed to go to the ER. Anyway, his heart was only functioning at 10% and his organs were starting to fail so needless to say he is in bad shape. The doc didn't want to go but felt as though she needed to be their for him and their family as that was her role when they were married. It didn't bother me at all, even though he is not a good dad, their son loves him very much and it would crush him if he died.

He may make it out of the woods this time but he will have to implement some serious life style changes moving forward in order to live.

My step-mom's mother passed away over the weekend so I have to fly back home for the visitation and funeral this weekend. Maybe i'll get to see some snow as I fly into Chicago!
Posted By: kml

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/27/20 06:48 PM

The Dr is doing what you do when you're a doctor - you be there for your people when they have medical problems because you know how useful it is to have a doctor on your side, translating things.

If his ejection fraction is only 10% he's in pretty bad shape - like heart transplant territory. Hopefully it's a temporary drop, but if not, he's in a boatload of trouble.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/27/20 07:19 PM

My step-mom does the same thing and she is a nurse so I understand. I am not a medical professional but she said the cardiologist told him he can never drink ever again and she mentioned him having to wear some sort of jacket that will shock his heart if he having an episode. I guess there wasn't much they could do in the ICU as they were afraid to give him any meds as his heart was so weak. He has been battling symptoms for quite some time and just didn't want to go.

His died dad of a major heart attack when he was about 52 so heart issues run in his family. I guess it's just a waiting game now but if he passes I will feel really bad for their little boy. He was adopted, doesn't know his birth father and now his real dad as he knows it could possibly die.

Anyway, hopefully he will respond and recover.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/27/20 09:05 PM

I would do it for my XH, not out of any affection towards him, but 1.) to support the girls and 2.) because XH has a very complicated medical history, much of which he doesn't remember or gets wrong because he was in a coma or drugged up and still relies on me for stuff. He's had the girls call me and ask me medical stuff that he just can't remember. I'm not a doctor or a nurse, but if I'm in a position to help him with things related to his medical issues I will, because I was there and I "survived" a bunch of stuff right alongside him. In cases like this, I feel like it is bigger than a her vs. him mentality. It is about being a decent person. And, if that decent person happens to be a doctor or nurse who can offer actual reliable medical advice, then that is great.

For what it is worth, I think you did right by the doctor and her son in not letting him go with your XW. Like G, when you described what happened, it seemed obvious to me that her mother instincts kicked in and she just offered to include another child so he would feel exactly that....included. But, in your shoes, I wouldn't have let him go either because he was entrusted in MY care, not the care of my XW or anyone else. I'm sure your XW didn't take it as an affront to her mothering skills either. Anyone who is good at being a mom would've totally understood why you said no even though they felt compelled to ask (and will ask again if the situation happens to arise again).
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/27/20 09:23 PM

Thanks D-money. Interestingly enough I texted her yesterday and she never responded and also didn't respond to my email this morning so who knows. I will be out of town this weekend due to a funeral I am attending and was helping coordinate some weekend sports logistics for the girls.

Oh well...ÖÖÖÖÖÖ..

I wonder if it was odd for her to see me with the doc's son. It doesn't matter.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/31/20 12:34 PM

Well I am back in Illinois for the weekend to attend a funeral. I have not been home in several years and I must say it is rather depressing. Just cold and drab....I dont miss it all, slightly depressing.

Not much else happening. The docs xh is still in icu so she has been struggling with that as she contemplates what to tell her son, the chance of him dying and her son growing up without his father. I just listen the best I can and I know it's a tough situation. The doc is tough as nails, hard working, tells it like it is and generally doesnt mess around. She is not emotional either so she struggles at times with the proper way to communicate with her son as she is all business.

It's just tough all the way around.
Posted By: DonH

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 01/31/20 05:22 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Just cold and drab....I dont miss it all, slightly depressing.

Careful there buddy, I live only about an hour away and have all my life. Not that I donít agree now and then - just not after 24 hours.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/03/20 03:10 PM

I moved away about 3 years after I graduated college. I couldn't move back after living in the South.

Went to a SB party last night with the doc and kids to one of her doc friend's house. Left at halftime as the game ended way too late to keep the kids up. Yesterday was the first time we have seen each other since Tuesday night and I won't see her again until Friday.

I feel myself wanting to spend more time with her.....this arrangement is starting to get a little frustrating and I am starting to feel it on the inside. A few months ago it didn't bother me a bit however now it is.

This past weekend was supposed to be our weekend together however since I had to go to a funeral and the Doc's XH is in ICU she has had her son every weekend for about the past month. There also seems to be no end in sight, they just put a pump of some sort in him as his kidneys are not getting any better. So on the weekends she goes over to the hospital, translates to his sisters, advocates for him to the medical staff and lets her son spend a couple of hours seeing his dad.

Recently I have started to think more about marriage with the Doc and as I said before it is starting to feel weird not seeing her and being around her. My girls are getting more comfortable, my oldest is really excited when she comes around, they gave each other big hugs yesterday however my youngest I don't think is 100% on board yet and has her moments. The Divorce was much harder on her.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/03/20 03:39 PM

Awwww, marriages all around on these boards! Iím just trying to get to a 3rd date! Hahaha! Remember, no rush. Let
Your youngest get more comfortable. I understand wanting to see each other more often. All good things come in time.

Sounds like the docís ex is in some pretty serious heart failure and is on CRRT. Poor little boy must be scared for his dad. Maybe you did come into his life at the right time? The universe speaks.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/03/20 04:51 PM

Right, I am not rushing things. I have just recently started to feel more of the urge. My X and I have discussed possibly getting my youngest into therapy but she is just right on the cusp of being in 4th grade (we think growing out of it and into a big girl) and it's not impacting her school work, etc. In one breath she is very talkative with the Doc and then other times she is very quiet and to herself.

Last night she made a comment about how she wanted mommy and I know she has made comments to my XW's BF that her dad is big and strong so I know she is very protective and processing things. I think it is hard for her to see us with other people even though she was in K when all of this went down. Like I said, it's something she needs to get more comfortable with.

Yeah, he is in bad shape. Going on two weeks in ICU. I think he is maintaining but not making any improvements. They are also concerned about doing anything drastic because of how weak his heart is so I guess it is just a waiting game to see what his body will do. His dad had heart problems and he is the type to downplay and ignore symptoms so while the Doc kept on telling him he needs to go to see a cardiologist and/or ER it took him almost 2 months to do so from the time he started experiencing symptoms.

I have thought about the universe as well...Ö.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 01:58 AM

Well the XW texted me again and asked if I could send her some CS money early again. She said she was embarrassed to ask me. Said she didn't have enough money to buy groceries for next week. Looks like this is becoming a pattern.....

I just told her i was sorry, that i understood and asked when she wanted me to send some. Not sure what else I can do.........
Posted By: doodler

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 01:01 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I just told her i was sorry, that i understood and asked when she wanted me to send some. Not sure what else I can do.........

Yeah, that's a tough issue to navigate.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 01:13 PM

There really is nothing more you can do. Itís sad. Itíll probably just become a problem when she asks you for extra money.

She would benefit from learning how to do some extreme couponing quite honestly.

Does she have a birthday coming up? A holiday? Maybe give her a gift card to a grocery store from the girls?

Youíll never regret being kind to her and non-judge mental and helping her out
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 01:39 PM

Her birthday is in April, she has always been a bad spender. At one point during our marriage I had to take away her debt card and give her a cash allowance. She volunteered to do so, came to me and requested it.

I would be shocked if she asked me for more money outside of child support. If anything she will not be able to pay her half of their extra expenses we are to split. I know her and she is too stubborn to give in.

It's tough but I don't say anything other than I am sorry and understand.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 03:47 PM

On a lighter note, Valentines Day is just around the corner and need to come up for some ideas. I just sent her 2 dozen roses to her office for our 1 yr anniversary so IMO sending flowers again is going to be overkill. I have looking through Amazon for ideas but haven't found anything yet that is calling out to me. Obviously I am taking her out to dinner but trying to think of something else. Any suggestions?
Posted By: kml

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 04:03 PM

Whatís her love language?

Mine is words of affirmation. I donít care about expensive things, I want to be told how great you think I am. The best Valentines present I ever had was from batchit crazy ex boyfriend. He snuck into my bedroom in the middle of the night and filled the room with Valentines helium balloons - like, the ceiling was covered. So when I woke up in Valentines Day there were ALL these balloons. It was sweet and made me feel very loved. ( Of course later I find out he did the same for his side chick but thatís another story lol).
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 04:08 PM

Physical Touch and Acts of Service.

I gave her a coupon book for Christmas filled with redeemable things she can ask me to do. Some are little like changing light bulbs others while some were labeled as her choice. That was her favorite gift by far!
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 05:40 PM

couples massage and a weekend getaway
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 05:43 PM

I was thinking couples massage too. Sparky and I had one this past weekend and it was a first for both of us. We both loved it.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 05:47 PM

The Doc hates massages...ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ..

She does not loosen up easily
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 06:04 PM

Well, what about other spa stuff, then? Facial, mani/pedi, etc.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 06:28 PM

She doesnt do that either but the stuff she does do I cant afford.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 06:36 PM

A night at a luxury hotel where you put on fluffy robes, lay in bed, get champagne drunk, eat dessert
Off each others bodyís and then get in the hot tub.

Might be MY fantasy, but hey, maybe she likes that stuff too. As a busy working mom , just getting away and relaxing and having someone else clean up after me.
Posted By: kml

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 06:43 PM

Hmmm...am I correct that your climate would not be conducive to a romantic picnic this time of year?

Does she wear necklaces or bracelets? Second most romantic was a bangle bracelet from my husband that had something romantic inscribed on it. Wouldn't have to be that expensive. And the box wouldn't be shaped like a ring box lol.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 07:06 PM

Dallas is a little chilly right now and she has her son that weekend so we will only get 1 night together alone.

She is not a big jewelry person, wears earrings that she makes homemade, no rings, no bracelets but she does wear a watch. She also does not paint her toenails or fingers either. She is very low maintenance that way but makes up for it in other ways at her favorite Med Spa. She is the Doc that signs for their samples so she gets their services at cost.
Posted By: doodler

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 07:11 PM

Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Physical Touch and Acts of Service.

This is the perfect opportunity for role reversal. You play the doctor and give her an injection she'll never forget.
Posted By: Maika

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 07:28 PM

What about events? Does she like going to stuff?

Is there a fashion show where both you can get dressed up and go? Murder Mystery dinner? Cirque de Soleil performance? Mavs game (is she into sports?... or you saving that for a proposal on camera smile

Is there something unconventional? I remember we had this convo about the partners to like some edge... so be a bit edgy and dodge some of the conventional stuff...
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 08:34 PM

lol...Ö.no proposals on camera! Her sister will be in town so looking at events that are happening. We just got a hotel room for New Years so that wouldn't be anything new
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 08:42 PM

How about you just cook her a nice romantic dinner. Cater to her a bit.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 08:50 PM

I can do that......I would have to clean my house and wash my sheets smile

We have not got to spend a ton of time alone with each other because of her XH getting sick and not being able to take her son. I was also out of town for a funeral so I have only seen her once, for 3 hours, on Sunday at the Super Bowl party in 1.5 weeks.

Now to think of a gift for her.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/05/20 09:28 PM

a planner with a note that you want to give her the gift of time and hope you can together block out alone time throughout the year.

but what do i know ...
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/06/20 02:15 PM

HAHA.....she is tough to buy for so I need to think of something. We are doing dinner at my house on 2/15 since 2/14 is a Friday and I don't want to rush around, etc. Her sister will be in town and can watch her son so we will get more time together on Saturday anyways.

I thought about sending some edible items to her office for her and her staff to enjoy.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 11:27 AM

The doc called me last not just about and really slightly in tears. Her xh is still in icu and he seemed to be getting better however something happened and they to sedate him and put a tube down his troat so he could breathe. They where able to look at his heart and determine there was no. Blockage but for some reason it's still functioning properly.

I knew something was up because she normally never calls. We discussed what to tell her son and when if he didnt make it through the night, etc. I feel really bad for her little boy. Anyway it's just a bad situation.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 11:47 AM

I'm sorry bud. {{{{{J9}}}}
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 11:58 AM

Iím very sorry to hear that. I fell bad for her and her little boy as well. Itís a lot to deal with. I hope he can come off the vent and his heart gets stronger.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 12:36 PM

Thanks guys......the good news is that the doc is his person. His dad has the normal state custody plan so the time he has with him is limited. The little boy still loves his dad though. He is also adopted and he knows he is adopted. He knows his birth Mom and her family however he doesnít know his birth father. The doc made a choice to let him know and not keep it a secret from him. They also go to the birth families house a couple times a year so he can see them.

Knowing he is adopted, not knowing his birth father and now potentially loosing his adopted father makes you wonder how he will process it emotionally as he doesnít have a good track record with males in his life.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 02:42 PM

Speaking of texting the Doc just texted me. I guess when they shot dye up to his heart to check for blockages the dye further damaged his kidneys which caused the respiratory failure. Before they did the procedure he had to sign a consent form as they new their could be potential side effects due to how weak his heart was. I guess they thought they needed to do something as he wasn't really making big improvements.

Now his fever has spiked to 101 degrees and they are going to do dialysis on him.

I am not a medical professional but it sounds like he is at a critical juncture and this is all going to come to a head good or bad very soon.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 02:58 PM

J,

Iím sorry that the woman and child you care about has to go through this right now.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 03:01 PM

This all happens to be my area of expertise.

He has something important on his side right now. His age.

I hope all works out and I know it is a very scary time
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 03:48 PM

He is 54 I think and it appears that he is certainly fighting.

I told the Doc if she needed to go to the hospital tonight to see him that I understood. He responded with, there is really nothing I can do other than translate for the family besides I need to see you!

You see L, they get locked in!
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 03:54 PM

Boy Iím 3 years from 54. Man!

Yeah I hear you mine said Iím like crack cocaine and she needs a fix lol.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 03:56 PM

Originally Posted by LH19
Boy Iím 3 years from 54. Man!

Yeah I hear you mine said Iím like crack cocaine and she needs a fix lol.



Lordy, thatís a strong analogy!!

And itís been said (here, not by the guys I have dated) that I come on too strong!

Man, you must be really good in bed!

( I am so inappropriate )
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 04:02 PM

I'm so sorry the doctor and her son are having to go through all this. I think it was G who pointed it out the other day, but it sure does seem there was a big master plan to get you into that boy's life at a certain time. I'm not terribly religious, but that sure does seem like a fate kind of thing. Hugs to you for letting the doctor and her son lean on you as they go through this. Remember to take care of yourself because this will all be hard on both of them and they'll rely heavily on you, which can be tough on you too, being the "caregiver". Prayers for the situation.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 04:03 PM

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Originally Posted by LH19
Boy I’m 3 years from 54. Man!

Yeah I hear you mine said I’m like crack cocaine and she needs a fix lol.



Lordy, that’s a strong analogy!!

And it’s been said (here, not by the guys I have dated) that I come on too strong!

Man, you must be really good in bed!

( I am so inappropriate )


I was thinking the same thing...ÖÖ..about the strong analogy, not your coming on too strong. (And the inappropriate part too...ÖÖ.. wink )
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 05:38 PM

Thanks D.....I have thought about the fate thing as well many times. Quite frankly it still scares the $hit out of me.

I feel so incredibly lucky to have crossed paths with her. It's almost too good to be true.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 07:47 PM

I found a very cute gift you could get the doctor . I wish I could show it to you somehow!!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 08:34 PM

Joseph91234 and a big Yahoo to you!
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 08:45 PM

I may have just sent you a message
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 09:13 PM

I may have too
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 09:17 PM

J is what I thought and Doc is beautiful. I may or may not have exchanged pics with him.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 09:21 PM

J, does he really look like pit bull? Iím dying to know.
Posted By: Ginger1

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 09:21 PM

So J looks like a yoked up Greg Brady?
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 09:25 PM

The Greg Brady thing still cracks me up.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 09:26 PM

I was close. Heís better looking the G Brady.
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/07/20 09:28 PM

Originally Posted by LH19
I was close. Heís better looking the G Brady.


LMAO! Iím sure Iím in the minority but I never thought Greg Brady was all that cute, but I was into cowboys.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/09/20 05:27 PM

Greg Brady is a d-bag......bahaaaa! It was great to put faces to out on-line persona's. You all are amazing people!

Not much to report. Had date night on Saturday, had the Doc's son yesterday as she was at the hospital with her XH and his family. We had a sleep over at the Doc's house last night and today I take the girls back to their mom's.

The Doc's husband is still hanging on. He was care flighted to a new hospital that was fully equipped to care for his needs. He has had a large pump place in some artery up by his collar bone that is supposed to help the left side of his heart fire and I think he is on medicine for his right side. Still vented and are just waiting to see if his body will start to respond.

I guess that's about it.
Posted By: LH19

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/09/20 07:42 PM

J,

Glad the doctors husband is still holding on. If he doesnít pull through Iím sure youíll be a great father figure for her son.

Hypothetically if we were able to see pictures off line it was great to get a view of a happy couple!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/09/20 09:51 PM

Thanks L.....at the moment it feels a little overwhelming.

Lol......hypothetically, your girl is cute and Pitbull has nothing on you!!!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/10/20 07:27 PM

Well she has not pawned them off on me when it is not my weekend but I help out a ton during the week.

Financially I just feel as though I have no leverage and if she has no money and I stick to my guns what happens to my daughters?

It feels as though the responsible party carries the burden.

She is just so all over the place. I sent her a text yesterday about some shoes I bought our oldest for her choir performance on Friday. She never responded. I just don't understand why she can't respond. Same with an email I sent her this morning. This is kid stuff, it's not personal matters of the heart.

I give her some money early and then she does this stuff. I know I shouldn't expect anything and I don't do it for that reason but I mean geez come on. Maybe a little self awareness?
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/12/20 12:38 PM

how the dr's ex doing?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/12/20 01:45 PM

Doc said they were going to try to extabate him this morning. He is still on 24 hr dialysis and had some large pump put in through some blood vessel by his right collar bone. Still in icu, I think this is now almost 2 weeks.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/12/20 01:47 PM

how stressful for all concerned! sending prayers xoxo
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/12/20 03:28 PM

Thanks! A few days ago she almost broke down. She is not an emotional person, very Type A and very put together so to almost see her break told me it is really weighing on her.

In other news the XW broke her silence today regarding a couple of texts I sent her then asked if I get paid on Friday so she knows when she will be getting her CS. I have come to realize that her not responding to me has nothing do with anything that I am doing but rather she only reaches out when she needs something.

When I dropped my youngest off at her place last night my youngest pointed out to me that her BF's car was there. It was there on Sunday when I dropped them off as well however he still stays upstairs and never comes down to introduce himself.

Really, honestly.....fine by me.
Posted By: Maika

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/12/20 03:42 PM

Quote
I have come to realize that her not responding to me has nothing do with anything that I am doing but rather she only reaches out when she needs something.


That's exactly the same thing my exW does as well. I don't have to deal with CS money, but she only reaches out when she needs something. She is hot and cold on responding to texts, and I only send ones about kids. For someone who said they wanted an amicable co-parenting relationship, they're doing all the things that don't lead to that.

It's nothing to do with you. It's all about her and what she wants and is only thinking about herself. So zero expectations as always. I just try to handle all the business with my kids when they're with me and rarely ever reach out to her.

It could be so much better, but hey, this is what they wanted smile
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/13/20 03:56 PM

What gets me is the anger and responding to my communication about our kids. I could understand if I was a mean and nasty husband or X husband but that is just not the case.

Things have kind of ramped up this week with the Doc. This week she has started to ask me to spend the night during the week and she doesn't care that her kid sees me in the evenings and in the mornings. Before I would always go over after her son was in bed, we do our thang, and then I would leave between 9 and 10. This week she invited me over on Sunday evening to spend the night and she did it again last night as well. She asked me to come over well before her son went to bed and I was still there this morning when he woke up. Her sister is coming in town tonight and Friday night she asked me sleep over also which will be the first time I am doing so with her sister present. Initially I just assumed I would sleep at my place however she told me that she no longer cares what her sister thinks.

I have my oldest tonight even though it is not my week with the girls. She has to be at school tomorrow morning at 5 for her choir trip and since I live about a mile from their school I told the X I would take her as it would be easier. She doesn't get back until 11 pm Friday night so it will be a very long day for her.

They also took the Doc's XH off the vent yesterday and I guess he was talking up a storm. He is still on 24 hr dialysis however it sounds like he is making progress. She is taking her son up to see his dad on Saturday morning. That is really good news!
Posted By: Maika

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/13/20 05:07 PM

I totally get the anger and responsive to communications, or lack thereof. I don't know why, but my speculation is that they are not happy they have to deal with us and they'd rather us be buried in the past. Also, they haven't spent the time doing internal work and are still projecting their anger rather than looking inwards. I stayed the hell out of the way of my exW's anger for like 2 years basically, and I am still getting that from her. At this point it doesn't faze me and it's just emotional immaturity.

I don't get it in the sense that they got exactly what they wanted, and still pissed off about it.

Good to hear that Doc's XH is doing better. Sounds like you and doc are in a really good routine now with the changes in how you spend evenings together.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/13/20 05:23 PM

I just don't understand the anger, that is what baffles me the most. I got lazy as a husband in many ways, guilty, I admit it. That said it wasn't like I was a dead beat either. I am the breadwinner, always helped with the kids, I have worked for the same company for 20 plus years, never unemployed, wasn't out at bars, etc. etc.

Even with our D I took the car with the highest payment on it since I make more money, I let her take our youngest kid to claim for tax purposes, I did not screw her on any of our financial split as I always paid our bills (she had no clue what we had, she only cared if her debt card worked). I could have definitely not given her share as she had no idea. I helped her move from our house, to her apt, and then to her condo. My off weeks with the girls I still help out, like tonight my oldest is staying with me. I keep her informed of their games, practices. I pay my CS support on time even give her a portion of it early. I went and bought my youngest shoes for her choir trip that were $50. I don't make her pay half on that kind of stuff. So I am not being a jerk, it just makes no sense. Why you have to be so angry and short with me. I could go on it just is something I will never understand.
Posted By: kml

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/13/20 05:55 PM

She's angry because HER life did not turn out to be all butterflies and unicorns and meanwhile YOU have the doctor and are financially solvent.

About her finances - does she have enough to live on? Is her getting more money out of you going to enable her to waste more money on junk? If so, then I would stand firm. You could put that extra money into college funds for the girls.

If, on the other hand, the truth is she doesn't make enough money to live on and her boyfriend can't contribute (you're not supporting him too I hope?) then you could always decide to pay for more of the girls' expenses or send them home with groceries.
Posted By: kml

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/13/20 06:03 PM

(My ex is apparently still mad at me and HE was the one who cheated and left. Our divorce settlement was very ordinary and fair. He makes twice what I do.I don't bad mouth him and haven't given him a moment's trouble since he left. But apparently pretending to be 20 years younger with his new young bride and dumping all the adult kid responsibilities on me hasn't cured his deep underlying unhappiness and somehow that's my fault.)
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/13/20 06:08 PM

That is the only thing I can think as I really, honestly, do not mess with her in any way. That also goes with pursuing as well, zilch, nothing, nada.

The only money I give her is what I owe her in CS each month. She gets nothing more or less outside of when I pick incidental things like shoes which I don't ask her to give me half. The only thing I do make her or enforce her splitting with me is the medical bills. There are times when I also will just send her half my share if I know she paid for something that technically should be shared.

She should have plenty of money live on, roughly 4k per month. My CS essentially covers the majority of her mortgage which I think leaves her to pay about $400 out of her pocket. She also has no car payment as she paid it off right after our D. That leaves monthly utilities, groceries, entertainment, and any other monthly bills she has like car insurance, etc. She also had no credit card debt either when we got D'd but I guess since then has maxed them out (whatever cards she has).

Budgeted properly she should have no issue.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/13/20 06:12 PM

And she new full and well what kind of person I am and what she was turning lose on the open market. What did she think was going to happen? That I wouldn't meet and be with a quality woman that was successful?

It's just mind boggling.
Posted By: AndrewP

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/13/20 06:12 PM

I think that the anger is that the life she's living isn't the life she imagined. This reminds me of our old friend Gordie's situation where his wife changed her mind when she realized that all of the comforts she was used to would go away if she left. She had imagined that he would support both her and OM.

I think a lot of our ex-spouses don't really think through the implications of their actions and are surprised when reality jumps up and they are obliged to "adult".
Posted By: Maika

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/13/20 06:13 PM

As kml pointed out, it could be because she sees you have got your life together and she doesn't in some ways. Or it could be that she's still mad about whatever her grievances are about the marriage. You won't know unless you point blank ask her and at this point, the ship has sailed far beyond that.

As far as I can see, it's all internal stuff that they haven't dealt with. They can point the fingers at the other person all that they want, but until they figure out the part they played in the M not working out, the other person is the easy target to unload anger etc.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/13/20 06:34 PM

Makes sense, I don't think it was bad for her early on because she her half of our money. She had her portion of our house equity and I know she made 2 withdraws from her portion of what she got from my (although it was joint) 401.

I know one for sure because I helped her walk through it when she did it. Not my idea but it was her money.

Then, many months later, I saw a large Fidelity envelope on her porch so I am pretty sure she did it again.

My guess she with drew probably close to everything she got that the plan would allow her to withdraw.

If she burnt through all that money then wow but it wouldn't shock me.
Posted By: job

Re: Hitting My Stride III - 02/13/20 08:28 PM

New Thread:

Hitting My Stride IIII
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