Previous Thread:
Down, but not out....yetAs per my last thread, I got very weak and texted M. I wished him and his family a merry Christmas as I know they have had a challenging year. I told him I think of his family and especially his son, very often and I wish them peace and love.
He did reply back wishing D12,me, and the dog a merry Christmas as well. I sent him a picture of the dog. And that was it.
I have been thinking of doing that and I don’t know why. And I did it. But god, I’m hurting so bad. A year ago I realized I was in love with him, celebrating Christmas with him and his family.
I deserve a big butt kicking it was dumb. Im in pain.
But I think it might have been a step towards closure .
I do miss them very much. More his son and family. But him too.
Kick my butt my now, I deserve it.
Thank you Jon, I wish the same to you and your family
Not gonna kick your butt G. You do that enough by yourself. Don’t beat yourself up too bad though. You’re human and the holidays are tough. (((HUGS)))
You don’t miss him - he was an arse. You miss the companionship, and the IDEA of him that you tried to wish into being.
And now of course you feel stupid because that tiny part of you hoped when you reached out that he would respond as if he’d been pining for you. (We all think that). But the reality is no, he didn’t , and the whole exchange meant less to him than it did to you.
No more chasing! Move on girl .
I agree with k and you deserve so much better. Delete his number and never look back.
You are both very right. I certainly beat myself up enough. I’m not going to. I’m just going to move on from it.
I expected him not to answer, which I think would have been better. The exchange meant much less to him than it did to me. Which was pretty much the reality of our relationship
And why it ended. I thought the original reason I did it, ( because this wasn’t impulsive, I’ve been considering it for a while now. In some weird way, it felt like it was going to be some SOS to his son and family. That I miss them and care for them .
Its time to finish off the grieving and move on. He doesn’t think twice about us, and his family will just love the next girlfriend who comes along.
It’s weird. The way I work is I cannot fathom throwing so many memories away and just turning off the love you’ve had for someone. I can’t seem to do it very well. When someone like that comes into my life it just means so much to me. And I can’t write off so easily things that mean so much to me. Others sure can. My ex H did. ExNG didn’t so much. I know this kind of for a fact. He was with someone else but his heart was still with me for a while. M managed toss me aside very easily.
I think I might finally have the closure I wed. I did need to close this out somehow and it wasn’t going to be the way I really wanted to. I shall settle for this.
I’m going to move on . New beginnings with hopeful happy endings.
G,
I am going to go against the grain here and say that if you did it with no expectations then I don't see any problem with it.
I'm really sorry you are going through a tough time but like my mama always says "this to shall pass".
I cannot fathom throwing so many memories away and just turning off the love you’ve had for someone. I can’t seem to do it very well.
Big hugs ((((Ginger1)))) Merry Christmas to you and yours.
I am going to go against the grain here and say that if you did it with no expectations then I don't see any problem with it.
The problem with this is, no matter what lies we tell ourselves, we always have a secret expectation when we do these things.
I am going to go against the grain here and say that if you did it with no expectations then I don't see any problem with it.
The problem with this is, no matter what lies we tell ourselves, we always have a secret expectation when we do these things.
Beat me to it... totally true though.
I managed to fool myself that I didn’t have expectations. The only one I honestly had was of him not answering.
He actually replied to me not long ago, which would be the time he dropped off his son. I haven’t replied back.
Anyways, the good stuff. D12 loves everyone of her gifts. She couldn’t have been more thrilled, more excited, and more happy. I did pretty good myself. I got the new laptop/notebook I wanted, and alexa echo, the screen one. A gift certificate for an hour massage, and $500 cash which I really didn’t expect. They wanted to help me out.
And in more good news, I got a guy coming to fix my status and walkway for $300 vs $2500. I’m pretty stoked about that. I dropped D12 off at her dads and he came out and wished me a merry Christmas and asked if I liked the pug shirt from my D. I told him I did. OWW and I always throw in an edible gift for each other.
Going to dinner soon. Honestly, I’m sick of eating. My body is saying “no more!” I never thought that day would come.
I’m going to listen to it after dinner tonight, lol
Hate to be doing this on Christmas Day and much more that you are going through it. My largest fear is that he will respond and you'll want to give him another chance in hopes he did change. I can't think of much worse for you. You deserve more ginger - you've said it yourself - yet you are willing to continue to accept less. The pain relief in the short term is in no way worth the agony of the long term. You need to let M go. You really need to start following your own words. Don't respond back just let him go. You deserve better.
Hate to be doing this on Christmas Day and much more that you are going through it. My largest fear is that he will respond and you'll want to give him another chance in hopes he did change. I can't think of much worse for you. You deserve more ginger - you've said it yourself - yet you are willing to continue to accept less. The pain relief in the short term is in no way worth the agony of the long term. You need to let M go. You really need to start following your own words. Don't respond back just let him go. You deserve better.
No way. I’m not interested and he’s not interested. And I could not go back to that R. It is still painful for me to remember how unimportant I felt and it was such a bad feeling. Worse than than the loneliness, actually. I think I really finally let him go so I could move on
Good for you! If it helped that’s great even if not everyone understands it. You’re living it. I do get it, I’ve connected with women I’m done with as well - just not this year. Lol. At least so far. Hope you have a tolerable rest of your Christmas. Merry Christmas my friend.
I’m back to normal today. Well, as normal as I get anyways. I did respond (why, I don’t know) and nothing else. But today I realize I really have no interest in this guy anymore. It was his family more than anything. It’s what I really miss.
The new year is coming up and I don’t think I am actually ready to go back online for dating. I feel like I just need to focus on me for a bit. I am honestly afraid that I’ll get caught all up in someone’s else’s baggage and I’ll take the focus away from me again. I think I have the strength to be like “nope”
Once I recognize it. But I still think I need a little more me time.
Work continues to kill me. I can’t stand working so late with such insanity and no extra pay. Something has to give soon.
D12 is by her daddy’s un til Monday. So I’m on dog duty. So I pretty much have to come right home after work. I really really wanted to treat myself to a hot yoga class. This dog thing is a serious problem. I have time to GAL as she is at her dads, and instead, I can’t do anything because of my dog. I totally did not think this out too well and was just too eager to my daughter happy with this dog, and it’s impacting me big.
My friend had a bit of really bad thing happen so I’ll be helping her out tomorrow with it. I feel so awful for her and her family. Don’t want to talk about it here though.
I started weight watchers yesterday as I realize my last straw was seeing myself in a picture and then not allowing anymore. I’m pretty determined to stick to this. I don’t want to have body negativity, but this doesn’t feel like me. I don’t see me in the mirror. And I really don’t want to buy a new wardrobe. And I simply don't feel comfortable dating where I am at now. It’s hard enough the scars I have on my boobs. My confidence is shot. I know it shouldn’t come from how I look, but I don’t feel good either.
I am ashamed to admit something but I’ll admit here. I’ve been pondering my R with M even more. As a learning experience. There was something very missing for me too. That connection wasn’t there and I didn’t feel like I could be myself.
But what’s embarrassing is that I loved being told I was loved so much. I loved hearing it. Even if I wasn’t quite feeling. I loved how he said he was in it for the long run. That was working for me until it wasn’t. But my heart lit up just hearing that, or seeing it in text, I guess since it had been so long.
How pathetic is that? Someone who said the right things and expressed they weren’t going anywhere kept me hooked.
I guess I have abandonment issues big time. After all this time. And self worth issues.
I’m glad I can recognize it. I do think it’s finally coming all together. But I have a fear of falling into the same trap again and even though I know it, talking myself out of it. I’m trying to become much more honest with myself. Only then am I going to have a fulfilling relationship
Aw, G, that’s not pathetic. Words of Affirmation are a great Love Language and it’s definitely intoxicating when someone seems really into you. The only lesson here is to pay attention when the actions don’t match the words.
Thanks KML. When I would hear it and see it in text, first my heart would feel so warm, then I would blanketed with a false sense of security.
I can’t wait to hear those words again and have the actions match up. It must be awesome.
I’ve been all alone this weekend again. D is at dads. No available friends. So it’s been be, myself, and my dog. I have been highly productive, which is good. Got a yoga class in yesterday and my Orange theory in this AM. I took down Christmas, cleaned the yard, shopped,
Cooked.
But my god, this is so isolating and lonely. Sometimes I wish I had a booty call. But at the same time, I know it’s better to remain lonely until I’m getting what I deserve.
I find myself on social media so much when I’m alone because I need some sort of connection to the outside. When I’m with people, I never look at my phone.
This really stinks. I just wanted that regular family life. Where you don’t share your kid. Where you do things as a family. Where you do your chores together. Where you have someone to talk to and cuddle with.
I talk to my dog like he’s a human. That’s what it’s come down to
You need more single friends.
I don’t have any really. And I don’t know where to find them. I’m too old for the 20 something crowd.
I'm sorry G.....it is hard to find single friends especially the older you get. I have zero single friends and I was always trying to tag along with married couples just so I had something to do. I would even go out to eat by myself during the week, sit at the bar, grab a drink, etc. Hang in there!
...it is hard to find single friends especially the older you get.
I completely disagree. It's easy to find older single friends. Just hobble (or take your electric scooter) down to the nearest senior center and play some shuffleboard or bingo. You'll find lots of singles to make friends with. The biggest problem is that they don't remember who you are the next day. It's like "Ground Hog Day" or "50 First Dates"; every day it's the same jokes, stories and complaining. Lost of complaining. What's really disconcerting is that you'll be talking to your new found friend, who you've already met 15 times before, and your friend will be yammering away about how things were better "back in the day" when suddenly they're quietly sitting there with a blank stare. Then there's some heavy breathing and some muted grunting. Then the stench that could choke a maggot. Your new old friend, is sitting right in front of you taking a dump in their pants. Granted, they're wearing adult diapers, but really, why couldn't they simply ride their scooter to the restroom?
In summary, it's easy to find single friends when you get older, you just have to hold your nose and take the plunge.
Lol Doodler.
G, how about finding (or starting) a meetup group for single women (or single moms?)
I would even go out to eat by myself during the week, sit at the bar, grab a drink, etc. Hang in there!
Ah yes - what I call "Lonely Old Man Row". Sat there quite a few times over the last number of years. A young pretty woman like Ginger would be a magnet for them. Pity that probably 2/3 of them are married and trying to escape their wives
I honestly have no good suggestions on how to make new single friends given limited time. Most of my own friends are also married. If you had more free time then volunteering at your daughter's school would at least put you in a similar age group. Just imagine your daughter's joy when she realizes that Mom is cruising the PTA meetings for a date
Big hugs Ginger. You know you'll get through this - just not how. If you do find an easy answer, write a book on it - it's sure to be a best-seller.
Thanks for all the love. It really blows. I just cried my eyes out last night in my bed.
M used to always see a woman alone at the bar and comment on how desperate that looks. I would always defend that woman. Maybe she is single and wants to enjoy a meal and a nice beer on tap. It doesn’t mean she is there to pick guys up. I, for one, love a good beer on tap. And a nice meal. And people.
My married friends I am pretty good at tagging along with, but a lot are going through stuff right now, or working, or moved kind of far, or just having holiday family time. No place for me. I get it.
Doodler, I’m a nurse! I hang out with old people all day long! I have those interactions you describe in a daily basis. And guess what, majority are still married because they came from a time when you don’t get divorced. So I can’t even find a geriatric single friend. Even my raging alcoholic in liver failure is married........
As far as a created meetup up group, I just can’t. For one, I do not organize such events well at all. I am a follower, not a leader when it comes to those things. I have no organizational abilities for those types of things. I’d be happy to join one, although the meetup activity is kind of dead right now, probably because of the holidays.
It’s such a weird place to be in my witch. No husband, no boyfriend, minimal family. Not free to go out most of the time.
It really just blows. Especially because I am social I’m dreading tomorrow night spending NYE alone in my bed with the dog. Maybe next year will be a little different .
Ok now, there is NO excuse for spending NYE alone, there are tons of singles events on NYE, go to one!
Doodler, I’m a nurse! I hang out with old people all day long! I have those interactions you describe in a daily basis. And guess what, majority are still married because they came from a time when you don’t get divorced. So I can’t even find a geriatric single friend. Even my raging alcoholic in liver failure is married........
Who are you?
Ok now, there is NO excuse for spending NYE alone, there are tons of singles events on NYE, go to one!
My excuse is I work New Year’s Day and New Year’s Eve. Gotta be in bed early. I chose to work because of this. And the tome and a half is nice
Ok then - you’re excused
Well, I got out of work on time and that was lovely. Hasn’t happened in weeks
I am picking up sushi and I have a bottle of wine for myself. I’m all ready to cry in the new year all alone !
Happy Fing new year to me.
Well, I didn’t spend New Years as I thought I would. I went outside to move my car and my backyard neighbor told me to come on over. I’ve hung out with them and have been very friendly with them through my daughters best friends parents who are their next door neighbors. I said “I’ll be on over in a few” we had a freakin blast. d12’s bestie was there as I was hanging out with her parents and the other couples i know from doing the annual Halloween thing all together. We had a freakin blast. They are my people. Loud, no filter, and can toss back the drinks. The least judge mental most welcoming people you will ever meet. I feel completely comfortable being myself around them.
I remember last year when I was dating M and we didn’t meet kids yet, we couldn’t spend tome together because he had his son. Of course, he wasn’t even in contact with me, because when he had his son, no one else existed. I remember laying in bed hearing all the fun these neighbors were having wishing I was there. And this year, I was.
And to mention...., I was the only non- coupled one there. Totally single amongst a bunch of married couples. I tried to get out before the ball drop, but couldn’t. But I do t feel out of place, thank hod.
I’m still just so lonely and hurting inside. Like bad. I thought this year I would be with the one I love. Not starting over from scratch again. But here I am, alone, single, yet again.
I did at least stick to my promise of no OLD until the new year. Maybe I’ll start up again, we will see. But I do become more hopeless as the constant disappointment doesn’t stop on that area. I really thought my break finally came last year. I thought I found what I had been waiting so long for. But nope. Wasn’t it. So I keep my hopes low. Because I don’t know how else to do it .
G,
I am glad you didn't spend NYE alone and were able to have some fun. I was also at a party with all couples but I think we look at things differently and it may be because of the 10 year age gap. I look at myself as way ahead of the people because I am either ahead of them in the D process or they will suffer in loveless marriages. They way they look and talk to one another is depressing. Yeah technically they have someone and their families are intact but if they are miserable what good is it?
One of my BFs has been married 24 years. His wife is hot, he's very good looking and has 5 handsome boys. His W periodically posts on FB painting this happy family picture and how lucky she is to have him. Truth is he hasn't had sex with her in 3 years and has been planning his exit strategy with me for the last year. He spent NYE with his friend and his friends wife, his W did near own thing.
I am just as ready as you to have 2019 come to a close and am very optimistic that we are going to catch up to the Big Smooth this year.
Happy New Year
Happy New Years Ginger
A lot can happen in a year. Being alone is better then being with someone that’s not into you. Embrace the alone time as a time to catch up and do things for you. Change the way you are viewing things. Being without a partner is temporary and gives you the opportunity to just do you for a bit. You put the guys in your relationships first so I think the universe is trying to teach you to put yourself first for a bit. Earning more money, exercise, nails, hair, socializing etc. all the things you are doing - just reframe how your feelings about it. Get out of the woe is me mode cause that carries through. Bring on the “I need this break for me mode” cause that carries through too.
You are fun to be around. People are really attracted to your presence. It’s why you are invited to lots of events. People like being around you. You add a lot to gatherings and social events and I think people kind of bounce off of you socially. I remember that from when we met. Maybe explore that and figure out how you can bring that mindset to how you see yourself with relationships. I notice you put a lot of pressure on yourself When your dealing with guys .. you take it super seriously but with social gatherings you take it more lightly and just want to have fun? Maybe take what you are successful at and use it in an area that you haven’t had success in.
Wishing the best for you this year and glad you ended up having a great time
((Ginger))
The couples I hung out with last night are all in their 50’s. I’m the young one. They are very family oriented and very happy. I did find out my daughters best friends dad was married before and divorced by 27 and his current wife was his second. I had no clue. She’s the once with breast cancer and going through chemo. She’s doing good though. She wore her wig last night and I didn’t recognize her. But anyways, they are indeed happy couples friends. I was very appreciative of them having me along. I always enjoy their company and they are always so much fun. I just wish I wasn’t always the extra wheel. They camp and do all sorts of things as couples and I’ll never get invited that stuff, because I’m not a couple. I get it. And when i think about if I was still with M and how much he would fit in...... nope, he wouldn’t. He would be judge mental of parenting, people using bad words around their kids, etc. he’s rather be high in a corner somewhere.
Thanks Jj. I really do have fun and On social situations and I’m always comfortable. I’ve managed to become friends with friends of ex’s and I have maintained those relationships. And you are so so right about putting pressure on myself with guys. I do. And I probably don’t come off as natural as I am. I am sure it’s sensed. I think o feel so jinxed from the guy situation that I feel the pressure. I’ve got to lose that.
And I am completely mired in the woe is me mindset. I really haven’t felt this low in a long time. Got to work my way back up to being happy and content. Because I’m not right now. I’ll get there. I hope 2020 brings us all the happiness we deserve
Hey G. Happy New Year's.
You aren't lost, sweetie.. You are right there...where you are supposed to be. You just have to believe that.
While there are sayings I dont believe in, there is one in particular that I do. And that is that people come into our lives for a reason. We dont always see what it is. We dont always recognize that until much later.
I feel that M was that person. He was the catalyst for you to begin this inner search. Each relationship you have had has brought you information about yourself that you needed to learn.
And M brought you this...that you deserve someone who is present and a partner.
You should have probably learned that from some of the other ones...but like me, you need a brick building to fall on you...LOL.
When I am down and I am trying to understand why the things that happen in my life occur as they do..I try to figure out what I am supposed to take away from them. Looking at them as a lesson, lessens the burden somewhat.
I get that you are still grieving the life you thought you were going to have. I get it. But I dont want to see you get stuck in the depression stage. I see you going round and round on the what ifs...could have beens. As the queen of what ifs and could have beens...its a freakin hamster wheel.
So work towards acceptance..each day...accept what is...so you can get to the next part...
Otherwise it weighs you down and you cant move forward while hanging onto all of that cr@p.
You now you should know that you deserve better. You should know that you want someone who accepts you as you are, someone who wants to spend time with you and cherishes you.
Armed with that knowledge, you will see that you will get different results in the future. When you do something different, something different happens.
But as always, it doesnt work unless you truly believe in your worth. Thats the only way through and forward.
Count your blessings and there are many...and start to let this kind of thinking..about what could have been, wash over you. Because the truth is, it wouldnt have been what you hoped.
You are right where you are supposed to be..even if you think it's not. This is your journey. Continue to walk it in the kick as$ G way we are used to.
Get to getting... and love you..
Happy New Year G....hang in there and I agree with everything above!! Work on being happy with yourself whether that be in your current state or based on what goals you have set for yourself. From everything you write it sounds like you have so much going for you and your biggest hang ups are money, your appearance and finding a man.
M sounded like a d-bag from everything you wrote especially after once you were honest with the board. You really wanted to be with someone like that??? You have a great job, your own place, a great kid, etc. etc. why would you even???? He did you a freaking favor.
Your appearance, honestly either you do something about it or you accept yourself as is. Truthfully, the right guy won't give a [censored]. The right guy will see your inner beauty and will be mature enough to realize that outer beauty is not everything. Sure, you have to have some level of attraction but It won't all fuching matter when we are old, fat, gray and in our 80's just struggling to wipe our own butts.
Money - I get it, that's a tough one but from an outsider looking in you seem to be trying to do everything to make it work for you and your daughter. Honestly, you should be very proud of yourself. I really mean it from an outsider just looking in to what you write. Trying to care for a young daughter while holding down multiple jobs is no easy task and it shows the kind of person you are.
One of my New Year's resolutions is to make smarter financial decisions. I can't change what I have done in the past but I can moving forward. Also realize that it is only temporary as when you meet that special someone (and you will) having a two income household is certainly better than one assuming you both live well under your means.
It is a New Year G no better time to get on the horse and ride it to the old town road
Keep that GAL going G.
Happy New Year
Ginger I think you are getting some great advice from multiple people. But I've seen a pattern from you over the years. I'm really hoping that this little interaction you had will help me make my point and help it get through to you.
Ok now, there is NO excuse for spending NYE alone, there are tons of singles events on NYE, go to one!
My excuse is I work New Year’s Day and New Year’s Eve. Gotta be in bed early. I chose to work because of this. And the tome and a half is nice
Well, I didn’t spend New Years as I thought I would... Neighbor told me to come on over...
I said “I’ll be on over in a few” We had a freakin blast.
I've seen this over and over again during the past several years. People have suggested all sorts of things but you always have a reason - make than an excuse - why you can't or don't want to. Yet, look what happens when you do pretty much exactly what was suggested - you have a "frekin blast" in your own words. THIS is what you need to do more of - just living life and having a frekin blast.
I don't know if it's your depression or what but you seem to be in the rut of not wanting to do things or change things and then using excuses not to try something new or just something in general. When I first read this I thought, I'll bet if some hot guy asked you to do something on NYE, work and getting up early would be out the window - at that's actually what happened - less the hot guy.
I'm not even saying not to try OLD again but my gosh, you've tried that for years now and look at the results. Just getting out there and living your best life might be the very best way to find what you seem to be so fixated on - a LTR with a great guy. Yes, you might get lucky this time OLD - it could happen, but if you would just try a meet up or finding new friends or tapping current friends to do things with or a new group or whatever, you might find that guy or that guy might find you. It may very well happen even with married people, that they see what a great person you are and think "You know who would be perfect for Ginger... let's set them up" or let's invite Jeff (or Bill or Dave or whomever) over then next time we invite Ginger.
You've got to start changing things or nothing is going to change. No, you didn't meet Mr Wonderful on NYE but look at the great time you had. Luck happened or the universe or God or whatever/whomever may have stepped in but had you followed KMLs advice rather than coming up with another excuse, the same could have happened. Luckily your neighbor happened to see you - otherwise you would have had a rotten night.
Are you seeing my point here? Stop with all the excuses and start to change things. I'm not denying that the dog needs care, you have to work, little G takes time - not denying it at all, but you just proved these can become your hide behind excuses to sit by yourself at home and wallow in it. If you stop declining offers that I know full well you are getting, and start saying YES to them, things might change for you.
Quickly on the diet thing - I'm glad you joined WW. I know your appearance is bothering you even though many others, including myself, don't see it nearly as much as you do. If you continued to look as you do today, I really don't think most guys would think twice. The thing is, many people don't stop where you are. They slowly continue to increase until, bang, one day they are many pounds above where they were a few years ago. Then they think, I'll never get 75 pounds off - heck I could not get 25 off so screw it. That's my fear for you - not how you look today but how you may look in a few years if this slow weight creep continues. I think that is the best reason for addressing it now - while it is still very manageable.
I know you feel cheated for never having the LTR you have dreamed of. I hate that for you and am so sorry it has not happened. I just hope you can start to shift your focus from finding that guy to living a great life - to which that great guy will find you. Please try to make that your focus - living your best life like you did Tuesday night with those friends. I just can't help but believe if you start doing that, saying yes to other invites, looking for new opportunities to GAL yourself, the guy you are hoping for is going to find you - rather than you somehow getting lucky finding him OLD.
Article on the Huffington Post, "I quit dating for all of 2019" - you should read it. Not saying you should not date for a year - but if you could get into this gal's mindset, it would be a good thing.
As for the weight - I've never seen you so I don't know how much is real and how much is in your head. It's good to get a handle on it because it's definitely harder to lose as you get older. BUT - be careful about getting into too critical a mindset about yourself. I'd LOVE to have the body I thought wasn't thin enough in my 40's. And surprisingly, the extra weight I've gained in the last few years hasn't been any impediment to dating. In fact, I think I attracted men more after my divorce than in my skinny 20's - men DO like curves, or most do (unlike my weight Nazi ex who thought I was too fat at 5'6" 118 lbs. ). So take care of your health, cut out the sugar and alcohol and get your workouts in, but also learn to love the body you have now.
J- thank you for those nice compliments and helping my focus on the positive. The money thing is stressful even when you are still broke and you have what is considered a pretty solid professional career. I hate it. My dollar is going no where unfortunately. My financial problems will never be an issue to another guy, luckily. I’m just doing the best I can.
As far as my appearance. Honestly. I have a really problem big problem with saying something positive about myself physically, because I feel like it is vain. But if I’m being honest, I am what people consider an attractive woman. Not in a classic way, but I have a unique look. One that is found to be physically appealing by both sexes. ( not is a lesbian way, I just mean, other women have commented on my looks positively)
I am indeed uncomfortable with the changes in my body this year. My boobs are gone and there are scars. And I gained weight. Right now I would be that woman who appears 15 lbs heavier than in her profile pictures. And quite honestly , I don’t have any recent ones to post because I don’t like the camera. So it is mostly in my head. I am not unattractive. I’ve just become more curvy let’s say. Part of what I need to do is be more accepting of where I am at now and realize that I am indeed attractive.
And it is inner beauty that means the most. And I possess that. I am kind and loving to all my friends, family and everyone I meet. And I know for fact, it ain’t pretty anymore when you reach your 80’s. I’ve seen too many elderly private parts in my time, lol. But true love, that sh!t lasts.
And yes. M was a D-bag. I was having a conversation with a coworker about him and that’s what she said. He was an insecure selfish D bag, and not for me. While him and my ex are different in the fact that M wasn’t mean like my ex, they are similar in the selfish area. I would have been miserable. It wasn’t what I wanted at all.
Don- what makes me crazy is, I do make an effort to try he different things. They have not been successful. It’s not about me making excuses. I’ve tried getting out there Whalen I can, looking for meetup groups. Hanging out with the crowd from work..... none of that is brining me towards a relationship at all.
I joined a book club with a coworker that her friend started.
I looked at all the meet up clubs.
I joined a gym.
I tried doing something out and alone and it was not fun and miserable.
I spend time with friends whenever possible.
I accept almost every social invite I can.
It is not for lack of effort here. I have tried all the ideas you say I am not willing to try.
NYE- I went because I could walk to their house. I do not go out on the roads on NYE around here especially to some random singles event on the night before I have to work. I was exhausted yesterday. But I got an invite and i took it despite having to work. So no excuses there. It had to be something I was truly interested in to have me risk being exhausted at work. But I I took the invite when I could have declines and stayed home in my jammies.
Actually, no one powers through a depression like me. I am pretty amazing at that. I may not want to move, but I do. I engage in life, I make efforts to get out of it, but some days I am just physically and emotionally exhausted and I allow myself to be and then I move on.
Where I am today has absolutely nothing to do with lack of effort. I don’t think there are many who has tried as hard as me to better her life along the way. I give myself many, many props for that. Effort is not something I lack in at all.
I’m sticking to weight watchers and lost 4lbs this week. I’m get comfortable with my weight again. And I have been religiously sticking to my workouts. I sure know it could creep up on me. It did. And KML- I look back at pictures when I thought I was fat and it turned out I wasn’t and I’d kill for that body again.
Ginger,
Happy New Year! I am so happy to see that you went to your neighbors for celebration. It's a new year and it's time for you to figure out how to step out of your comfort zone. I know you can do this.
We can spend our lives trying to be whatever we think others want us to be, but what we really need to do is just be ourselves. We must own who we are and not shy away from being that person.
Ginger, you are a beautiful woman who has accomplished a lot on her own. Take a look around you...you are a nurse, a mother and a friend to many and a homeowner w/a cute little dog. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You will figure our your money issue. It takes times to get financially secure, but I know you will figure it out.
You have so much to be thankful for. Try to stay positive. When people see you being positive, that is what draws people to you, i.e., like a moth to a candle.
Hang in there. We all want to see you succeed and be happy.
UR—-
You understand me better than most in my life do. And I always take your words to heart. And I think you are very right. I am finally there. I am where I’m supposed to be. Sometimes with a real hard truth comes a little bit of a setback.... but will be the catalyst forward. M did not deserve me by far. Not at all. And I know it. I am
Too good for him. And I am so done accepting less than I deserve. He was truly the house that dropped on my head. For absolute sure. I mean, the others I probably should have seen it too and never taken that c@p again. But it wasn’t a hard enough hit. This one was for sure. And I am going to take this and run for it.
I don’t know why. Sometimes I feel like people don’t need to be taught an many cosmic lessons as I need to be. So many tough years of lessons! I feel like people find what they are looking for without all this universal butt kicking. But not me. But that’s ok. Because I still believe the universe is holding out for something incredible for me. And I will not accept any less.
Job- thank you. I am very fortunate and have many blessings and I have worked very hard and earned everything all by myself.
I personally think that I am incredible. I really think I, just as I am, am a catch. I am proud of me. And I just want to be with someone who accepts me as me. No judgements. And that I could truly be myself with and quit worrying about if that person is going to stick around. Because the right one will, even if I’m not perfect.
I personally think that I am incredible. I really think I, just as I am, am a catch. I am proud of me. And I just want to be with someone who accepts me as me. No judgements. And that I could truly be myself with and quit worrying about if that person is going to stick around. Because the right one will, even if I’m not perfect.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS! G, SO much this! Write this on your bathroom mirror, on a sticky note in your car, on your calendar at work, on the wallpaper on your phone screen. BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!!! The thing that sticks out to me most from your posts in the last week or so is you are comparing how you feel on the inside to how others look on the outside. You feel bad about where your body is but I would kill for your body (and I’m sure I’m not the only one). You feel bad about money but you OWN a home and are providing a great life full of love, care, concern, and fun for Little G. You have SO much going for you. I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel the way you feel but I am saying you should cut yourself some slack. You are out there making it on your own, successful, beautiful, homeowner, great mom, in a well-respected career that you clearly thrive in. Take those successes and run with them. And when you’re ready to date again, keep that last paragraph of your own words in mind. You are a catch, so start acting like one!
(((GINGER))). Stay open to new experiences and new people. You and I are similar... we are caretakers and we cut people A LOT of slack. We both need to do that less and remember our worth. You ARE a great catch and don’t you forget it!!! Happy 2020!! This is going to be an awesome year!!! (((HUGS)))
listen to these wise ladies my dear. xoxoxo
I think I may make 2020 the year of self worth! Thank you. Dawn, thank you for pointing out what my view of negatives are actually positives. I need to start turning that stuff around.
Yesterday was D's cheer banquet. We picked up her friend and mom and had a good time. She's my friend going through chemo and is thankfulldoing really well. She's shaved the head and has her wigs. She has really curly like mind, but one wig is like a nice blow out. Everyone was complimenting her on her blow out. I think I might be one of the few to know. She is really only more tired, but is up and about and living life.
We may be going on that spring break cruise with them. My daughter wants to go so bad. It honestly is the best opportunity she has and i have as only child and single parent to vacation with someone. I priced it out. My dad knew how much we wanted to go and is giving me $1k towards it for my 40th birthday present. The rest, probably from tax return money. I know I should put that towards bills. But really, I only turn 40 once, I only live once and i want D12 to have this opportunity. Me too. This is a rarity. You only live once.
Still on weight watchers and sticking to it. I am having a hard time getting to the gym thanks to the new year knew me people pull in janurary. Everyone joins. ANd this is a class that has alot of sign up rules and penalties for cancelling. Everyone is signing up so far in advance and i can't get into a class. USually people cancel right before the 8 hour window and i get in. but there are so many people, I am not making it. If you sign up for a class and cancel with less than 8 hours left, you get charged. Which is BS. So I wait because my schedule is unpredictable. Unfortuateley with the new year, none are opening up. I am hoping come february it will ease up again.
I am trying to muster up the courage to get back to online dating. I am having a hard time. At least to create my profile. I don't feel like taking a bunch of new pictures. Luckily the 2 guys I did meet didn't seem to be bothered at all by me bing 10-15lbs heavier than my pictures. I know how much you guys say you hate to get duped, but I just don't have any recent pictures. I'll figure it out I guess.
That's my exciting life. I am off tomorrow thankfully. Work was burning me out big time. I'l definitely get in a class tomorrow. Go to costco, all that fun stuff.
That's all folks!
......and I'm back OLD! only Bumble so far. And boy oh boy. I increased the age older. ANd man, am I surprised at how many guys still want kids someday who are 48+. Clearly they are looking for some chicks to make that happen. I did alot of swiping left. Too many guys wanting kids, and too many living in NYC, I live a half hour outside NYC, but the pain in the butt it takes to get in and out is just not worth it. Traffic, tolls, zero parking..... God no.
A few I swiped right on. Fathers to older children. I am definitely attracted to a good looking older guy. I never know what to say though. What's a good opener? I try to play something witty off their profile, but IDK. One replied back with one word. Still seeing about the others.
I hate hate hate starting all over again. I feel like I am newly divorced jumping back in the dating scene. I promised I would be more positive, but OLD is overwhelming to me, and knowing my past track record, almost seems hopeless. I would love Juju's good fortune.
I like to receive something witty or a compliment. I absolutely despise “hey”.
I read over a million messages will be sent today. I sent one so 999,999 to go lol.
Good luck G. This is our year!
LOL....well i had just got back from the gym and had a tank top on so I was leaning back on the counter and she came up and grabbed my tricep....so transparent
Sorry G...wrong thread.
I would usually get something witty or even something simple like.....hey there, how was your weekend? Nothing over the top or elaborate.
Sounds kinda hot!! Lol!
I matched with 10 guys and so far and sent messages to most, of varying degrees. We shall see what gets a decent response.
I also hate “hey” even “ hi ginger!” Would be better.
We shall see.
I always tried to make some comment about their profile without trying to come across needy or desperate. Just something to grad their attention that would cause them to look a little deeper. If I couldn't come up with anything then it was a simple hi there, how was your weekend or hi there, how is your week going, etc.
Lol.....yeah it was truthfully kind of awkward.
I am sure you will get some responses!!
I agree that you will definitely get some responses.
Just be ready for DH to give it to you today for getting back on. Lol!
I agree that you will definitely get some responses.
Just be ready for DH to give it to you today for getting back on. Lol!
I kept my promise until after New Years! He can’t say anything! Only “nice work on waiting!”
One guy said something in his profile that really got my attention. “ I’m for someone to share in my life, and I to share in hers” Most guys I date just want me to fit into their lives and couldn’t care about mine. So this definitely got my attention. 49 with a 14 year old son. We shall see if he responds.
One guy I didn’t match with yet had a closet the size of my house. I’d marry him.
A 49 year old is definitely going to be interested in a 39 year old!
Obviously there are other reasons he would be interested that fact that your young is icing on the cake.
Um.......yeah, even DH cant argue that
Good luck in the OLD world, G. I hope you find what you are looking for. I don't want to come across all Debbie Downer, here, but I want to play devil's advocate for a second. Let me preface my devilish comments with a few positive ones: you are a beautiful woman who comes across as someone who is smart, fun, funny, and can totally handle your own sh!t. You don't NEED a man, but I get that you want one to share your life and who wants to share his with you. Totally get it! I think you are finally starting to realize that you really do deserve better than what you have been settling for in the likes of M and even the make-up artist (at least I think that is what he was, as best I recall) who came after. My hope and prayer for you, in this new round of OLD is that you actually remember and BELIEVE all the positive things about yourself you have been boldly proclaiming here. We all see those things in you and I so wish you truly see those things for yourself and will keep them in mind moving forward.
Now, here's the devil's advocate part: only you can really determine if/when you are ready to get back on the horse, so to speak, and you clearly think now is that time for you. BUT, is it? Do you TRULY feel, think, believe that you deserve better or is your recent deep dive into loneliness and depression driving it more than your rational self? I say all that because my real fear for you is that, while you have been saying all the right things to us on here of late, you do not firmly believe those things for yourself just yet and I do not want you to get lulled in by some guy who talks a good game on the front end but then turns into a dud once you start putting in effort. I don't want you to get into a situation with another M. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you are not intelligent and can't pick out game players. I know you can handle yourself. I hate to keep going back to M, but think about him. In the beginning, he said all the right things and presented himself as just what you wanted. As time went on, you became more unhappy with him, but were still putting on a brave face here and making excuses for him (again, I don't mean that negative because we ALL do it), until he broke up with you. I think, in retrospect, you realized awhile before he actually broke up with you that you weren't getting what you wanted and needed, but you couldn't bring yourself to pull the trigger and when he did, you were devastated. Then the make-up guy came along and you started telling us things about how connected y'all felt just from conversations and you seemed to be reeling pretty quickly again. I think your "recovery" time on that one was quick as you realized that he just couldn't or wouldn't make time for you in his world and that is when you started to think about what you really want/need/deserve.
G, honestly, I hope you are not offended by what I'm saying, because I would NEVER want to upset you or offend you. I truly do think you are a fabulous person and I think you deserve an amazing man. I just want you to believe that and go into this round of OLD with a firm grasp on that so that you can avoid getting caught up in the moment and the rush of those ooey gooey feelings when you see someone cute and you have a great conversation. That is a totally natural reaction, mind you, but I just want you to proceed with caution, armed with a grand sense of self and wait for the one who deserves you rather than looking for one who you'll settle for. Be brave, be bold, be your amazing self and REFUSE to settle for less than you deserve.
On a different note - I just looked at an article on how Bumble works. I'm curious to see what kinds of guys you will find there. Since they have to wait for women to contact them, will it weed out the undesirables (since no one contacts them)? Or will it be filled with shy guys who don't like making the first contact anyway? It sounds like a good idea in theory but I'm just wondering if it skews the selection of men in some way, good or bad?
Also the article I read had this to say" It doesn’t seem to matter how active you (or aren’t) on the app. Even if someone hasn’t logged in for months, their profile will likely still pop up in your Bumble match queue. Matching with infrequent users is a common complaint."
One common error I find is people don't keep that and other factors in mind and kind of take it personally if someone doesn't answer. Maybe that guy wasn't on his phone in the last 24 hours (since bumble apparently has an expiration date?). Maybe he's currently not looking because he has a couple of dates set up, but might be back in a couple of weeks if those dates were disappointing? Maybe he's been inactive for months? It's NOT like regular dating and there's no need to take anything personally at this stage.
Reset your expectations. You're looking for the right guy. Odds are you will have to screen through AT LEAST a couple hundred guys to find that right match, if not much more. Ten is just barely dipping your toe into the water.
If you need help evaluating choices, post their profiles here so we can help you read between the lines.
dawn, you have no offended me in the least. Actually, this exact thing is what has scared me from going back in the dating scene. I absolutely don’t want to let my boundaries slide again and fall into the same trap. I think this time the impact was he’s enough for me not to. The way I felt with M in the last 5 months or so really felt awful. Every time I think I of the time he got mad I wanted to to hang out and he didn’t because I was “interjecting last minute plans in his very busy life and he was looking forward to an 8 pm bedtime” I cringe. I cringe that I let his rationalization of being in this for the long run and not wanting to burn out look past how crappy I felt. I do not want to feel like that ever again. I do not deserve to feel like that, because he was so fortunate to have a great woman who want want to spend some free time with him.
I am actually kind of afraid the pendulum is going to swing the other way. That I am going to tolerate pretty much nothing and become a biotch. Which may actually be good for me, lol.
I just know I can’t be made to feel less than anymore. My ex did it to me on a very different way. But they both made me feel completely unimportant. And I am pretty darn important.
As far as bumble..... I did meet M on there. It’s a weird app. The platform of conversations expiring in 24 hours is kind of dumb, because not everyone logs in every day. I get some weird stuff on there though. Like I was talking to this guy and he asked me how the gym was and I told him I do orange theory and it’s tough but rewarding. He said to me “is this a joke? I’ve never heard of orange theory” I sent him a link of what it was...... and he just deleted me. Ok dude, sorry you don’t like my exercise of choice?
I don’t expect much. I’ve had many many years of bad luck online dating for whatever reason. Even though it ended with M and I, I consider OLD “working” in his regard to have a tear long serious relationship. Well, serious to me anyways.
Got a flat tire on the way to the gym today. Should have stayed home in my PJ’s instead. I need a new tire, it I needed a new one anyways, it was pretty bald. $$$$! I use my ex as a connection for my tires, so it’s better than it could be.
Ahhhh. Dawn, I know I’ll be ok without a man. But who wants to spend their life all alone, sans emotional and physical intimacy without a partner? I’ve spent majority of my last 13 years like that. In my peak too!!! So I’ve lived it, sometimes I loved it, sometimes I hated it, but I think it’s pretty normal to want a partner. It’s been long enough. I don’t know many at my age who have been alone as long as I have.
Ahhhh. Dawn, I know I’ll be ok without a man. But who wants to spend their life all alone, sans emotional and physical intimacy without a partner? I’ve spent majority of my last 13 years like that. In my peak too!!! So I’ve lived it, sometimes I loved it, sometimes I hated it, but I think it’s pretty normal to want a partner. It’s been long enough. I don’t know many at my age who have been alone as long as I have.
TOTALLY get that you want one. Completely understandable. My point was that you don't need one to handle stuff for you, but you want one to share life experiences with. Now, I get that we are different people, so some might say that is just a matter of semantics, but to me wanting a man and needing a man are 2 entirely different things. Like you, I didn't NEED one because I got this, you know. But, I WANTED one to share my life with. We all know those women who can't pick out a meal without asking a man "I don't know, what do you think?" and my point was that you are NOT one of those. Big difference between need and want in my book. It is like I used to tell my daughters all the time when one would tell me they NEED (in a very whiny and insistent teenager voice, mind you) designer jeans or Converse tennis shoes that while they might NEED a new pair of jeans or a new pair of tennis shoes, their aspirations of those designer brands was a want. I could go to Walmart and buy them a functional pair of jeans or shoes for much less but it wouldn't have the designer label. That is when my children started buying their own clothes. LOL
He said to me “is this a joke? I’ve never heard of orange theory” I sent him a link of what it was...... and he just deleted me. Ok dude, sorry you don’t like my exercise of choice?
I suspect either A) he decided you must be more fit than him and would be disappointed when you met his real-life obese self, or B) he's a Nigerian spammer (always a clue when they don't seem to know of things that most people in the US would know about).
Then again, he could have just met the girl of his dreams. See, that's what I was saying - you do NOT take things personally at this stage because you have NO idea what is actually going on.
In dude’s defense, I didn’t know what Orange Theory was until very recently but I live in Podunk, Arkansas and I’m a fat chick, so.........I only learned because a high school classmate who lives elsewhere now goes and posts about it all the time on Facebook. Not that dude needs defending and I suspect that kml’s first guess was probably accurate but moving ON!
People are just weird! I’m not attached to it. He said he was going to the gym that night too. And I think the dude weighs less than me. But he just felt the need to hit the “delete” button.
People are just Fing weird. Glad that one got weeded out pretty fast.
I’m already highly disappointed.
If I can ask for something from the universe this year it would be to meet a great guy the organic way. Please and thank you.
G,
I understand that’s it’s frustrating at times but I still believe it’s a numbers game and something eventually will come by it.
Can you cross country ski?
I was already with my ex when I learned to cross country ski, but at least back then, men outnumbered women 10:1 and they were FIT! And THRILLED to see a woman out there skiing.
I know, I know, I just feel like it’s been so many years already. I’ve gone through so many bad ones. I don’t know how much more I have left on me. I feel like I’ve already looked at thousands of profiles
I don’t cross country ski. As I never have. We have lots of ski mountains here, so that’s a bigger sport. And I cannot ski, unfortunately. Maybe I’ll just wait at the bottom of the hill and look pretty
Really trying to get on a hike with this meetup hiking club, but I’ve been waitlisted
G.....I have heard of Orange Therapy and have seen the studios but I have no idea what goes on inside. Screw that dude though, he sounds like a real piece of work.
Try to remain positive, don't take this crap personally and don't put too much pressure on yourself. If you find that this is just not working out for you and it leaves you more frustrated and upset then change it up.
Hang in there!
Ginger - Even though I'm not personally a user of such techniques, have you considered making use of a vision board to explore what it is you are looking for in a future life?
I'm not talking about in just dating life, but life beyond that and including that.
From the outside - and I hope you aren't offended by anything I have to day here - you are a gal who likes to party, who is a hard worker, who goes all in in any endeavor. You are a lot to handle and anyone who is part of your life needs to be able to keep up. That certainly eliminates guys like myself for example who are attracted to the maternal types. I know that you have your Netflix and chill side too and work very hard at being a good mother but that's a different vibe. At least from the limited point of view that I have.
In some ways I think you are in a tougher spot dating-wise than someone who is younger or older. You are certainly at an age where you would probably be very attractive to a guy on OLD who is about my age of 55 though but looking forward, they wouldn't be able to keep up 15 years from now. I have a friend - who was an OW - who is married to a guy who is 25 years older than her. He's retired, plays a lot of golf, has some health issues. She's still wanting to go out to bars and dance but is working on playing dutiful wife who is now spending a lot of time with much younger girlfriends.
I certainly don't have any helpful advice other than that I believe you need a man who will be at least your equal in terms of drive and passion for life. Who deals with what is in front of him but who also has a caring and nurturing side. Maybe take that mutt of yours out to the dog park more often.
Maybe take that mutt of yours out to the dog park more often.
Is that similar to getting your hedge trimmed, jumping the turnstile, making a magical sandwich, churning butter, bam-bam in the ham, checking the oil, testing the suspension, roasting the broomstick, putting the bread in the oven, organ grinding, buzzing the brillo, buttering the biscuit, doing squat thrusts in the cucumber patch, feeding the kitty...
Bam Bam in the Ham???????
Very interesting perspective. I’m surprised I’m perceived like that. I am super maternal and a total caregiver and a homebody. I’m always cleaning and cooking . I’m in bed by 9pm, even on the weekends. Do I like to get out with my girls? Yes. I do maybe about once a month. I need some adult time every now and then. But I prefer home on the couch, sipping on some wine, cooking with mate and watching a movie. I bond with the kids and kids love me and I they see me maternally, right off the bat.
I’m shocked I come off as a party girl. I know how to have fun, I like to have fun, but that is probably the smallest part of me. Maybe that’s the way I am coming off to others? Because while I like to visit some day festivals, try a winery or brewery, or want a nice dinner out, I am not the woman you find up in the club or late night at bars. I can’t even tell you the last tome I went out .
When I dated the guy in CT, we would spend weekends together at his house cooking, grocery shopping, raking leaves, etc, sitting in the front of the fire and I loved it.
So I’m kind of shocked I come off as non-maternal and a party girl.
Something to think anout
So I’m kind of shocked I come off as non-maternal and a party girl.
I don't get that vibe from you in any possible way
Maybe take that mutt of yours out to the dog park more often.
Is that similar to getting your hedge trimmed, jumping the turnstile, making a magical sandwich, churning butter, bam-bam in the ham, checking the oil, testing the suspension, roasting the broomstick, putting the bread in the oven, organ grinding, buzzing the brillo, buttering the biscuit, doing squat thrusts in the cucumber patch, feeding the kitty...
All of those sound good for me
G,
Don’t listen to Andy P he’s a little uptight. You like to party once in awhile and let loose. So do I but I’m also in bed by 9 during the week and a great dad. I’ve never missed a day of work because of alcohol and never drink and drive. You’re good! Just the kind of Gal I’m looking for.
Squat thrusts in a cucumber patch made me spit my coffee lol.
Interesting perspective. I’m with Pinn. I don’t get that vibe either. You seem to be a lot like me. You work in a caregiving kind of job, you are a good mom, you have strong values and you have a kind and forgiving personality. And I’ve always gotten the feeling you would prefer to be at home with someone special than out and about. You just haven’t had a lot of luck in finding that someone special to stay home with. I really hope this is the year for you to find that person Ginger. You really deserve to have that in your life. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you. (((HUGS)))
I've never gotten a party girl vibe from you doll. xoxo
You know how they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder... “party girl” is also in the eye of the beholder. Interesting how we see more with our mind and our being (who we are) than reality. Of course it’s more difficult judging through only what is written, but I don’t get party girl out of you. A bit of a handful maybe but I base that in your sometimes impulsive nature. That again might be my bias. I think most people accurately see you for you.
I've never gotten a party girl vibe from you doll. xoxo
Party girl does have a negative context that wasn't my intention. I was using it more in the context of "bon vivant" / "full of life". We each perceive others and ourselves through our own lenses. And LH19 is undoubtedly more than a bit correct when he says
Don’t listen to Andy P he’s a little uptight.
AS for cross country skiing - it's WAY easier to learn than downhill skiing (I learned both as an adult so I know) especially cross country skiing on flat trails. (Often this happens at golf courses in snowy regions.) (I'm not talking about backcountry downhill skiing on cross country skis which is a whole other animal - I've done that too). Cross country skiing on flat trails is a lot like using the elliptical machine at the gym, or like skating, depending on which technique you use. (I started with the traditional Nordictrak technique but find the skating technique more natural for me). And it's inexpensive because all you need is the gear - (rent while you try it, then find a good deal used). No expensive lift fees. I found that the cross country skiers were more like runners and hikers- athletes and nature lovers. Downhill skiers are more adrenaline junkies and flashy car drivers (it takes money to downhill ski). Try a beginner's class somewhere near you, I bet you would really like it - and it's a killer workout. It's also a great way to stay warm while enjoying the beauty of a snowy landscape (you have to wear layers because you WILL be peeling things off).
Different perspectives are so interesting! I get what Andrew is saying about not meaning "party girl" from the negative point of view, but more of a passion and love for life, because I totally see you that way, too, G. You are a great mom, a hard worker, clearly a loyal friend, and you love big. You do have a great love for life that, to me, comes across as a very gregarious life of the party type. No, I don't think you are just out getting drunk, partying and closing down the bars, but I think that you are a fun person who draws people in like moths to a flame and that is kind of how I took Andrew's comment.
I heard a song on the radio on the way home yesterday that made me think of you because it kind of made me think of what I was saying yesterday about you wanting a man but not needing one and I think it also speaks to what I think Andrew's point is about you being fun. I don't get the sense that you are a big country music fan, but google "I Can Buy My Own Drinks" by Runaway June. Listen to the lyrics....I totally see you in that song (and I totally mean that as a compliment!).
I'm thinking G - is there an LL Bean store near you? They have lots of cool meet ups
If there is a waitlist on that hiking group, can you not start your own, new one? Others must be waitlisted and frustrated, too. You can also start one under a more general category: single people 35 - 45 looking to meet over _____(brunch, beer, coffee, etc.)
I agree with KML that athletics are great ways to meet guys. Where I am, Pickleball is huge and single men abound! They even have keg/social nights!!! The women are hunted.
I know you mentioned you used to be a volleyball player but injured yourself so not sure how that limits you.
Different perspectives are so interesting! I get what Andrew is saying about not meaning "party girl" from the negative point of view, but more of a passion and love for life, because I totally see you that way, too, G. You are a great mom, a hard worker, clearly a loyal friend, and you love big. You do have a great love for life that, to me, comes across as a very gregarious life of the party type. No, I don't think you are just out getting drunk, partying and closing down the bars, but I think that you are a fun person who draws people in like moths to a flame and that is kind of how I took Andrew's comment.
I heard a song on the radio on the way home yesterday that made me think of you because it kind of made me think of what I was saying yesterday about you wanting a man but not needing one and I think it also speaks to what I think Andrew's point is about you being fun. I don't get the sense that you are a big country music fan, but google "I Can Buy My Own Drinks" by Runaway June. Listen to the lyrics....I totally see you in that song (and I totally mean that as a compliment!).
I do agree more with that assessment. I am maternal and domestics and a caregiver. I would not agree that I am not maternal. I enjoy the mundane things in my life, however.......
I am full of life and vibrant, and I’m really glad that can be seen and felt. I’ve got good energy. I’m
Not as miserable as I come off here.
Guys I have dated have always been able to take me into a social situation with their friends and family. I hold my own, I never am shy, not clingy to the guy I am with, and he can socialize without having to “make sure I’m ok” and I usually have someone telling me their life story and confiding in my. By the end of the night. I am lots of fun to be around. M brought me to his lake movie nights and I became friendly with all the board members nearly immediately. They would hug me when they saw me.
Friends have told me I’m the total package. You can take me anywhere around anyone, I’ll love your kids, I’m fun, I’m serious, and I am domesticated.
Dam it, I’m the total package!
I’m glad to see that you all do get the vibe I thought I was giving. Because the vibe I thought I was giving is really who I am.
Soooooo, Don...... a handful??! That I’ve never ever been called. I’m so easy going, handle my own stuff and I’m too nice. Please elaborate! Is it because I like to spend time with the person I’m with?
I will never ever do a down hill snow sport again. The exH took me skiing and that didn’t go great the second time. M took me snowboarding and I am just too scared and inhibits me. And the pain I felt the next day! Lord !
I just can’t start my own meetup. For two reasons: I am awful at organizing anything and I’m not a leader, I’m a follower in those situations. I have no group planning skills. Am I am a novice hiker and I’m joining a club because I’m afraid to go alone because I have no sense of direction.
As far as volleyball, I did that recreationally, and that’s how I busted my knee. But hey, first night, doing it without a friend, and I made 3 ( young male) friends and was having drinks with them at the end of the night! I’ve been thinking about giving indoor volleyball a try ( it was sand volleyball where I busted my knee) but I admit, I am afraid. I never want to go through that surgery again and I probably wouldn’t and just try to live without an ACL.
I did join an all woman’s book club with a friend at work. Not getting me closer to men, but I’m really enjoying the boom and I Will get to socialize at the meeting .
LH- too bad you don’t live closer. I am a responsible adult, take care of my family, I’m a professional, but yeah, I sure like to let loose every now and then
I have some more messages to send. Maybe I’ll get a date out of it. Maybe not.
But I do have a date with a friend this Friday night, so I won’t be sitting in
I will never ever do a down hill snow sport again.
Again - I'm talking cross country skiing on flat trails, like in a park or on a golf course. It's fun but not at all scary, more like skating but with soft snow to fall on instead of hard ice. Actually you don't fall much - nothing like snowboarding.
Don...... a handful??! That I’ve never ever been called. I’m so easy going, handle my own stuff and I’m too nice. Please elaborate! Is it because I like to spend time with the person I’m with?
Oh no, not even close - maybe even the opposite. I said a handful like in a challenge to keep up with, see something, think about it for maybe 3 or 4 seconds and make a decision. Or taking on too many things so there are not enough hours in the day or not being able to shut off your mind - always thinking about something. Not too predictable. Sort of a little like fire, ready, aim - always a few steps ahead. Ask your dad, “dad, am I a handful?” And I’ll bet he says yes or you can be a times. It’s all good though - kinda a good, fun, handful.
Ginger,
Check the local newspaper. We have hiking groups starting up for the first of the year and will hike each weekend as long as the weather is good.
I know that this is going to sound corny, but check out what is available in the way of cooking classes. There are some single men that actually attend these classes because they are interested in learning different ways to prepare food.
If you are interested and because you are now a homeowner, check out the classes that Lowes or Home Depot offer for the homeowner. They are generally free and men and women attend them.
Just a few ideas that might be fun and maybe some good interaction w/people in general.
Dawn, you wrote out your thoughts so much better than I could have, even though we Very much share the same thoughts. Ginger has gotten good at the talk, it’s now living those words that is the challenge - especially when a guy enters the picture and shows interest. What Dawn said x3 for me.
Ginger, I am soooooooooo glad you are looking at, hopefully seriously, other social opportunities. I hate to see anyone put all of their eggs in the brittle basket that is OLD. Plus even if these other interests, whether book club or cooking or hiking or whatever don’t bring a guy, they will increase your value ten fold to the few good, normal guys on OLD. More than with most I strongly believe that the less you try to find a guy the better your chances of finding the RIGHT guy. The closer you get to living where you truly are okay not having a guy is when a really great guy is going to find you - and I think you’re on your way.
For the record I had zero clue what orange whatever it is workouts were.
Don- thank you, that’s a much better better explanation. And pretty accurate. I really actual can’t wait for the day until I slow down. I look forward to to the day I get to slow down. You have no idea. I am afraid that day might never come.
Being pretty much a single parent with no help for your child’s whole life is the most exhausting challenge one will ever take on. You sleep with one eye open, you worry about every thing 10 fold than parents with partners and a big support system.
I never, ever though I would be where I am right now at 40. Never. I’m burning out, honestly.
I got my nursing license in the mail yesterday. Which mean I can start my new job. And I want to cry. I do not want another job. I’m tired. But I have no choice. And it stinks. I took a week off in February from my full time job so I can do orientation at my weekend job. I need a real vacation!!! Hopefully I will have one in April. The plus is getting paid for 2 jobs in one week.
Did I see myself at 40 still single, still doing the solo parent thing, and working 2 jobs ? Absolutely not. It’s a tough pill to swallow for sure.
I dropped my car off at 7 am to be get my tires replaced. Ubered to work and my dad picked me up to get my car. The idiots did not do something important I reminded them about 4 times to do. I went off at the shop. Went out of my way to leave my car there all day to get everything done and they “forgot” after multiple reminders to do it. I literally went off my rocker. And I’ll be calling the manager tomorrow.
On a good note, my dad came and he did some stuff for me and he bought us new leather reclining sofas. The best part about him being anal is that he is so uncomfortable on my couches he wanted to buy me new ones . I must say, he’s been really good lately. I think he heard what I had to say. He’s less judge mental and more helpful. I’m grateful for that.
I’ve been chatting with 2 guys, but you can tell they are totally distracted by probably 10 other conversations they are having. I’m not really all that stimulated by these guys.
I did try to sign up for a cooking class! I had been looking into it but I found mostly couples cooking classes. But the. It popped up that a nice grocery store is hosting these cooking classes every Thursday. I tried to do in 2 Thursday’s a pierogis making class, but all spots are taken.
I really am trying to get out there. I am not hopeful I’ll meet anyone, but I just need to enjoy life as it is. A big part of life at my age is couples stuff.socializing is all about couples doing stuff together. And I get excluded from that. And it stinks. So I am trying to choose things that would be fun on my own. Because let’s be real, a lot of things are just not enjoyable on your own.
One day, I will be sitting on the porch with my man, just doing nothing and being totally contented. For now, I have to figure it out and in my position. I thought about a vision board. I feel like there is so much I am missing out on. I want to really enjoy life.
I have been reading more in this section of the forum since I am divorced now. I learn a lot from all of you here even if I haven't made my presence known.
I feel like there is so much I am missing out on. I want to really enjoy life.
This is my fear too. You are not alone.
I am completely at wits end today. I’m so fed up with pretty much everything. I won't get into the details, but I’m having a really hard time with the PMA and gratefulness. I see no end in sight and it is so overwhelming. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my daughter. Not related to OLD, but that is so dumb too. Not a person can carry a conversation.
I need a million dollars and a foot rub.
Honestly, if it wasn’t for my daughter, I would give a crap about much. I’d go off the grid, live in a trailer and just live until I died.
Happy Thursday everyone !
G,
I’m sorry you’re having a bad day. One million dollars and a foot rub is an interesting request. OLD can be frustrating but you just jumped back into it and need to give it some time.
Your time is coming you just need to be patient.
you'll feel better after a good night's sleep G xoxoxo you know where to find me if you need to vent xoxoxo
Thanks for the love. A million dollars would solve my financial difficulties and a foot rub would relax me and give me my fill for physical touch. God, how I miss physical touch.
I had an interesting day today. I was talking to our department administrative assistant. She is divorced after 30 years of marriage. She is 57. She is a heavier set woman. She told me her problem is she just can’t lose the weight because all she does is eat. She’s lonely, she has no friends because her only friend was her H and couple friends. So she just sits at home and eats. She says she just doesn’t know how to be alone. She just is so scared to get out there and do stuff like meetup groups. I told her I would be her buddy and go out with her and give them a try. I felt for her big time. She is depressed and I could tell. She used to love to ski and hike and now she wants someone to do these things with.
So another coworker overheard us taking and she confessed to me her husband just left her in August. She has a 19 year old and an 11 year old. She was in tears. She said it gives her hope to see me handing it all so well. I also offered to be there for her as well and if she ever wants to go out and get dinner and a drink and talk I would be there for her too. Its weird people look to me as something positive that comes out of a divorce and they come to me for advice.
Another noteworthy funny thing.
I was doing the bumble thing . A guy I used to do CrossFit with comes up. Super nice guy. I didn’t get to know him personally, but I knew he had kids and he is a mail man. I’m friends with him on FB though. His profile was good. He likes breweries and wineries and hiking and obviously CrossFit. He’s got this long beard which is kind of cute and you can tell him face is pretty cut under there too. He is a thin cut cross for guy. Well, I swiped right out of curiosity, and we matched, which means he swiped right on me. So o sent a message “i know you!” We will see if he responds. I would totally go on a date with him. I know he comes from a good family and is very close with his sister and parents ( his sister went to the same guy) he did say I’m his profile that he separated and he knows that doesn’t work for most, but he is not looking for “most” just one. I don’t know the story behind it. But if he were to ask me out, I would say yes.
I had dinner and drinks with my friends tonight and I have not gotten out of the house on a Friday night in so long. It was much needed although we were all so early.
One day off and then back to work. I’m just so overwhelmed with life. I feel like it will never slow down. Or become easier. And that I will be going at it alone for the rest of my life.
My ex came in my house yesterday when picking up D12. We were talking about my new couches and he did a “remember when we” referring to things we owned together when we were married. It irks me. I don’t know why. He actually hasn’t forgotten about our life together. But I don’t want to really remember it sometimes. Then his wife comes in my house while picking up D12. She decides to tell me about how hard she has been working lately and all the stuff she has to do and I have no sympathy for her. I can tell she is also looking for compliments on her weight loss. I think I’ve turned into a cold biotch. I just don’t want to engage. I listen, I validate. But roll my eyes in my head.
Tomorrow is cleaning and exercise day and I’m looking forward to it. And then a nice night with Netflix. Living it up!
Just some things for your friend.
Walking is a fabulous way to get out and exercise your head, heart and mind. I do suggest using a walking stick which gives you some extra stability, keeps fluid from pooling in your hands and you can poke at things with it (a guy thing perhaps).
You can also tell her that there are indeed single guys out there of her age who appreciate a woman with bonus curves. The same advice that we give everyone else applies. Find yourself first before you look for anyone else. And don't settle. Better to be alone with liking yourself than to be with someone who doesn't make you feel good.
Enjoy your domestic goddess day G!
you are a good bean G xoxoxo
Would you believe I wrote a while post and deleted it?
Because I’m miserable and I don’t want to share the misery.
I won’t be back in this thread unless I have something positive to say. And I certainly don’t right now.
Girl you don’t have to fake cheery for us! We got your back.
I second what KML said G. If you can’t come on here and get rid of your worst thoughts, where else are you going to do it. Your experiences supporting those women at work reminded me that even when people look like they have things together, often times they don’t. And you just never know what is happening behind closed doors.
I know how frustrating it must be for you to hear people say “be patient”...you’ve been on this roller coaster longer than most of us here. I do believe that your time is coming though. You are just too good of a catch!! The right person will find you, I’m sure of it.
My recent interactions with Brook has reminded me that timing really is everything. I have seen his name numerous times on the “people you may know” list on Facebook but hadn’t added him. For some reason, I had the impulse to add him this time and I can’t help but think there is a reason. Honestly, if i had added him one of the other times I saw his name, he would have been still married and probably would have accepted my friend request but not sent me a message and we probably would have never talked. So...the timing of this is interesting. And...it may not amount to anything other than a good friendship but that would still make it all worthwhile. So...keep taking chances and taking advantage of any opportunities that come your way. You just never know what random small decision you make is going to lead to a big life change. That’s what makes life exciting, don’t ya think?
(((HUGS)))
Third, bird xoxoxoxo mwah
I really do appreciate the support. But hearing the same misery over and over must get old. I’m lucky to have this place though, and even though my divorce is over and done with, it’s a good place for support post divorce.
I think I really am losing patience. This is really insane. Every day is the same thing, work, home, dinner, and when my daughter isn’t home, me staring at the wall eating alone. No one to talk about my day to after work, no one to kiss me hello and goodbye. No one who gives a crap about my day. For soooooo many years. This can’t be it. It just can’t be. And I can’t be ok with it. And it turns out I have to be ok with it to have a partner? I was ok with it for a while. I’m not anymore. I am surrounded by so many who can’t or don’t want to be alone. And they never are. They have. I probably finding partners. And it is just about the most impossible feat for me.
I am actually envious of those who got 15-20 years of what they though was a good marriage. I never got that. Others might be envious I got out early...... but it didn’t give me a chance for a do-over.
And I seriously live for my daughter and nothing else. But can I tell you how lonely it is being a single parent for so many years? Well, for my whole daughters life? It’s a catch 22. I’ve got this beautiful child who is my reason for existing. But for the same reason, I am trapped right where I am when I want so much to make changes. But I can’t. I know it sounds awful and it’s not coming across as it should, because seriously, I live for that child and I love her so much and she is the only thing that brings me joy.
The only thing I look forward to is 5-6 years from now when she graduates high school is high tailing it out of here. Moving to a state which I have already chosen and selling my house and living in an affordable area not struggling, and just being surrounded with a different atmosphere. When I’m down I look up townhomes in the area o want to move to, and drool over the prices and taxes.
Maybe my only purpose on this earth is to raise my daughter into a happy beautiful young woman. It might be the only reason for my existence . The only other thing I do is work to keep the bills paid and work off debt. That’s it.
I feel isolated and lonely. And some meetup with strangers isn’t going to help that. I want a person who is comfort, who is home. And I feel like I must be asking for the world, yet so many can find it and I can’t.
And I can’t help but wonder sometimes if my exH sees me single after all these years and feels validated because obviously, no one wants to be my partner in life.
So there it is. Probably take it back now, right? Lol
Ginger,
This forum is for you to vent joke and provide some really sage advice. If you can't come here and vent, where do you think you can do it? We all have gotten know you and know that you have days of struggling. We are here to support you any way we can.
New Thread:
The odd one out