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Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Hitting My Stride II - 12/03/19 03:18 PM
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Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/03/19 03:40 PM
So I will probably look to get the Doc 1 more thing and call it a wraps. I will take her out to a nice dinner and hotel room stay for New Years so I am hoping she will be happy with that. While I think both of us are getting closer to having more serious conversations about our future I don't think either one of us is just quite ready.

She is just such a quality person. I was joking with her yesterday about buying her a couple of more gifts and she told me to be careful and not overspend. I just though that was really sweet and shows she is not one of those individuals that is concerned about how much money I spend on her.

Thinking about some more romantic stuff is hard as I don't want to come off as being cheesy either.
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/04/19 05:28 PM
What are her Love Languages? That can guide your present shopping.

I'm a person who does Acts of Service (because I want to receive Words of Affirmation). I would put a lot of effort into making things for my ex, when he (a Quality Time and Receiving Gifts guy) was actually much happier if he just circled the things he wanted in a catalogue and I bought them for him.

As a words of affirmation girl, the gifts he gave me that I liked best were simple (not expensive) pieces of jewelry that expressed his love (like a bracelet with an inscription inside).
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/04/19 07:46 PM
Acts of Service, physical touch. She loves it when she calls me with a problem at her home and I come over and fix it.
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/04/19 08:42 PM
So is there something you can give her that would count as an act of service gift? A physical touch gift could be a massage certificate...
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/04/19 08:57 PM
I could do like coupon books for my services. Trim the bushes, look at her sprinkler system, etc.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/04/19 09:03 PM
Are those sexual innuendos?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/04/19 09:17 PM
LOL!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/04/19 09:35 PM
Check her oil?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/04/19 10:15 PM
Lube the chassis
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/04/19 10:18 PM
I think that is what I will do. It's cheap, thoughtful and kind of fun. Like one time she had to take her car into the shop so she asked me if I could come pick her up. Another time her AC went out in her office and I went to Costco and picked up a portable AC unit for her and hooked it up in her office. So I think I will do something like that as another gift. I saw some coupons you could order from Amazon. I can put them in a card.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/09/19 08:58 PM
Home sick today, some how came down with an awful stomach bug yesterday.....not good. Saltine crackers and gatorade are my best friends right now. Didn't go to the gym, have no energy....ughhh.

The Dr. and I got into a interesting conversation on Friday night. Out of the blue she mentions that she would not know what to do if we broke up. She said she would have to take a year off of dating. Then she asked me if I ever thought about what would happen. I just told her "no", I just live in the moment and don't worry about that kind of stuff. Then she said "Well, you don't know how this is going to end". I then said..."well, I have thought about what it would be like if we were married". That pretty much stopped the conversation and she didn't elaborate any further. We have never, spoke about any of those type of details before. Clearly she is not ready but either am I. Not sure what she was fishing for, reassurance??? Maybe in me bringing that up she got what she needed. IDK. We are off sync now with the kids so Saturday night we just hung out at her place and got take out. I won't see her again until Friday night as it is tough during the week with kids, work, school, etc.

My oldest had a soccer tournament on Saturday, 3 games in 1 day but it was fun! They won 2 and lost 1. I am coaching my youngest's basketball team so she had a game as well. So between all of those games total, in 2 different towns about 20 miles a part from each other it was a long but fun day!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/10/19 12:25 AM
I think she was totally fishing and got the answer she wanted.

Remember when you said you loved her and she didn’t say it back and said she wasn’t ready, but that s BS??

She so temp checking you. And she heard what she wanted.

Maybe I also need to take a lesson from the doctor.....

Hope you feel better soon.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/10/19 02:37 PM
Thanks, it's awful. LOL...yeah, true. It will be interesting if she starts to press the issue and more in-depth conversations.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/10/19 03:40 PM
Can doodler be the flower girl at the wedding?

I can just see explaining "that" to your gun toting Texan doctor laugh
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/10/19 04:01 PM
LOL...…..well I don't think she is the flower girl type of person but I will definitely keep D-Money on my short list.

We shall see what happens as she has never waivered. No matter what I say or do she appears to be firmly dug into my foxhole. Any weakness that I have shown, as none of us are 100% perfect, have been met with understanding and compassion.

Even little things like this weekend when I have my girls and she does not have her son. I don't have anyone that I can just call up like she does her mom and have them go spend the night someone's place. If it happens it's because someone asks, I don't have anyone I can just reach out to. She understands, takes it in stride and says we will just figure it out, etc.
Posted By: doodler Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/10/19 04:34 PM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Can doodler be the flower girl at the wedding?

I can just see explaining "that" to your gun toting Texan doctor laugh

When in Texas, like the natives, I go full commando. Just pray that I don't trip and fall. When that happens there's always some dimwit that shrieks, "I thought you were crazy, but now I see your nuts."
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/10/19 04:35 PM
Just make sure do some manscaping before the big day smile
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/19/19 03:14 PM
Not much to report. My parents are coming in town for Christmas, all my shopping for the most part is done and we are on Winter break so my girls have no sporting activities.

The Dr. has not met my mom and stepdad yet so that will be happening next week. It seems at this point in time it's just a formality. I hope she is happy with the presents I got her. Listed below for opinions!

Earrings
Gun Clips
Air Pods
Reading Pillows
Christmas Ornament (it's our first Christmas!)
A bedside charging station for your phone
Compression socks (she is on her feet all day)
Car phone holder
24 Coupons redeemable for Acts Of Service (she loves acts of service)

Things are going really great, very normal, and I think we are on the cusp of it just being a matter of time before start having some more serious conversations and approach the topic of engagement. I still just am not quite ready yet though but I am not sure that she is not going to show me anything else. She has not changed much other than softening up since day one. She has been who she said she was from the beginning. She is beautiful, thoughtful, kind, and would be a very positive influence with my daughters. We went to dinner the other night, the 4 of us, and she sat right next to them just like they were her own. The restaurant manager even came up to us and commented on what great parents we were and that we have a beautiful family.

I did express some concerns to her last weekend regarding some red flags that I had picked up on regarding how she treated her XH. I have no idea how the conversation even came up She comments about how her XH didn't have a job and she paid for everything and towards the end of their marriage he wanted to turn the AC down because he was hot however she wouldn't let him because he didn't pay the electric bill. I just didn't seem like a partnership so I can't remember how the conversation came up but I told her that I did have some concerns over comments like that and just those situations in general. While I have no problems with a pre-nup and I don't want her money to me a R is a partnership and that kind of treatment is not acceptable. She went on to ask me if that was a concern of mine....and I told her it was. She said it was never an agreement between them that he would not work and when he lost his job and never got a new one he also never contributed around the house. He was also a spender, she is not so he just ended up blowing their money so it ended up getting to that point to where she controlled it all. He essentially emasculated himself. Anyway, I also told her that while I do well for myself I don't have Dr. money so there will be times that I might not be able to contribute 1/2 of something, like vacations, etc. She said her only expectation was that I pay half of the bills and do normal man things around the house. I am fine with all of that I just don't want it to feel like an arrangement or a transaction. I guess that is what separate accounts are for. IDK.

Trying to decide what to do for New Years. The Dr. is very practical and hates to spend money so just wants to keep it simple and go out to dinner and then just back to her place. Me on the other hand think we should go Downtown, get a hotel room, go to a nice dinner and do something different than what we normally get to do. It's just New Year's is so expensive and to me pretty overrated you know? Between dinner, drinks, hotel, etc. it would be a minimum of probably $700. So I don't know.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/19/19 03:17 PM
I think you are ready to marry her just as much as she wants.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/19/19 03:28 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I think you are ready to marry her just as much as she wants.

Same! wink

I totally agree on what you said about the partnership in an R and I can see why her comments about her XH would throw up some red flags for you. I earn more money than Sparky and my expectation of him is exactly what the Dr. told you hers was of you. I just want him to contribute equally to our household expenses and do the "manly" stuff that I can do but don't like to do (like anything related to the vehicles). We share everything else equally and neither of us are big spenders, so it works for us.

As far as opinions of the gifts, if you think she will like them, then I think they are great. They show a very practical side of her with a little thought and romance thrown in with the earrings, ornament and coupons.

I love that you have found someone who is who she said she was from the beginning. I don't want to say I told you so, but I believe several of us ladies tried to tell y'all women do exist who are exactly who they say they are and are good, kind, caring, decent, loving women and NOT game players. I guess the proof is in the pudding. smile
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/19/19 05:21 PM
Thanks.....I think I am scared out of my mind!
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/19/19 06:38 PM
Your gifts are great. If she doesn't want to spend money on going downtown for New Year's, keep it simple but romantic - champagne and strawberries, candlelight, Barry White.....
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/19/19 06:45 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Thanks.....I think I am scared out of my mind!



I don’t think you are. I think you are anxious to get on with it!

She does seem great. She does seem a little tougher on her own kid and her ex husband vs. you and your girls. She almost seems like a different person towards you guys. Which is good..... maybe she’s doing some 180’s on those things
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/19/19 07:29 PM
J,

Man marriage. I just can’t fathom it. Not sure I can get there again. Hopefully if I find the right person I’ll want to again.

I’m proud of you! Besides maybe G nobody deserves it more! Happy for you brother.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/19/19 07:59 PM
I just booked a room down town......I let her know we had plans outside of our normal bubble she got super excited. She suggested low key but left it up to me. Some how it came up what we did on New Year's Eve last year so I told her. I actually took the girl I was dating at the time out to a nice restaurant so if she just got a low key evening after a year I felt that would have not been good!!! She told me she doesn't care where she goes as long as it's with me. I have a lot of responsibility!

I am actually pretty scared because I know with her she isn't down for years of dating. I think she is ready to go. she told me she would never do anything to intentionally screw up our R. She hasn't met my mom and step dad yet so that gives me some time!!! Her best friend is going to get engaged on Friday and we have been invited to the restaurant where it is going to happen so we will be witness to the surprise. That is not helping me at all! She then made the comment that just because they get engaged doesn't mean they will be married right away. I took that as a hint......bahaaaa.

I don't think she started off hard on her XH, it just happened over time. She is tough on her son but truthfully I could be tougher on my girls. She has her S full time though so I get it. Much different than being a 50% parent. She has also indicated that she could have been much more supportive of her XH than she was. He also had ED issues as well so they didn't have sex, he didn't have a job, so in the end she got in her masculine and just had her thumb on him.

You know L it's all about what your willing to give and what they are willing to accept. If you run across a great woman who wants to get married but you don't and would rather have the committed, separate house situation then something has to give. It's coming up on 3 years for me since my XW left so I mean I am not going to be single forever.

I knew very shortly after I met her that she was not a 3 or 4 date, have sex, casually date, and done type of girl. On date 4 she asked me what my 10 yr plan was. So I was like oh boy, I knew she was a keeper but I had no idea what to do but when I thought about ending it I couldn't do it.

My struggles have been real and I have had to work through some stuff emotionally during this time. I knew she was a keeper, I wasn't quite ready emotionally but I know I would have regretted ending things early because it was my own [censored] I was dealing with. I hope you are not faced with that situation L especially as you really realize and come to terms with you and the XW will never be together again. When you finally, really shut that door it's tough.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/19/19 08:53 PM
Wow you have been out on your own twice as long as me. Yeah I’m coming to terms with it now that we are never getting back together. That was always the safe play for me anyways. No hassles of dating, intermingled families, new in-laws etc. I would be sacrificing having a chance at the real thing the coach talks about where your connect at an unbelievable level. I could never get there with her and she deserves to find that with someone as do I.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/19/19 09:26 PM
Yeah....she moved out in June of 2017 so it's been almost 3 years since she has been in the house. It was my safe play as well because I think as the LBS you always assume it's just a matter of time before they wake up and come running back because they see the new you. I just don't think that happens in the vast majority of situations but that is what we hang on to.

Taking that initial step of dating is one thing but when you find someone that is worth it, to continue dating, it's a struggle because in the back of your mind you know that's the final step. No big deal if you have been divorced for years but for us newbies it's hard.
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/19/19 10:18 PM
Dude - it hasn't even been a year of dating yet so just chill. If the doctor expects you to propose in less than a year, then she's not the one for you. Seriously - as divorced adults, you should both want to take your time deciding about each other and less than a year is just way too short a time, no matter how well things have been going. It's not like anybody's biological clock is ticking or anything.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/20/19 03:52 AM
Originally Posted by kml
Dude - it hasn't even been a year of dating yet so just chill. If the doctor expects you to propose in less than a year, then she's not the one for you. Seriously - as divorced adults, you should both want to take your time deciding about each other and less than a year is just way too short a time, no matter how well things have been going. It's not like anybody's biological clock is ticking or anything.


The stats are not in favor for those of us who rush into the next marriage.
If you're planning to spend the rest of your lives together, then you have all the time in the world.

Just my $.02
Posted By: DonH Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/20/19 05:32 AM
I’ll chime in with a few of the others here - but you already kinda knew I would. Thing is there are no like big red flags or anything so no reason not to continue. It’s just so new yet - as said, not even a year, not even meeting your parents. You've not yet even had a big disagreement and there is no way it won’t happen at some point. It’s how you and her handle it when it happens. You guys are very much still in the honeymoon and dating phase. That’s not real life.

The thing that does stand out to me is how differently she seems to treat you. It’s not that way with her staff or child or ex or others. So is she just still on her best behavior with you? To think oh she treats everyone else the same but I’m different is not likely to last. It’s more common, much more common, for her personality to eventually treat you the same. She has too much to lose if she were to do it now.

Have you seen the real true doctor yet? Perhaps you have but maybe not. You’ll know much more in another year or two. And there really is no rush. You guys could still easily have 25 years of married life - even if it doesn’t start for several more years.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/20/19 10:52 AM
One thing that has really struck me here and elsewhere is that most people - including myself - don't usually ask for advice when they don't know the answer they want. They usually have a choice made and are just looking for supporting arguments.

I was engaged 3 months into dating 30+ years ago and I think some wondered why I waited that long. Married a year less a day from when we met. It lasted 26 years and I do believe that if OM hadn't happened by that I would probably still be married to her. I doubt that this was the exception

On the other hand you also hear of people who take it slow, date for 5 years and then everything falls apart in a short period of time.

Now, except for nude skydiving, I am someone who is accepting of a certain amount of risk. You will undoubtedly recall how that went sideways on me this past summer.

We all know that you will take in all the different viewpoints both here and in real life and make up your own mind although I do think you probably put more weight on outside opinions than I do.

Life is about risk. It's about embracing the unknowable future. It's about picking yourself back up when you fall down. The key thing though I believe is that if you make a decision as fully armed with information as you can be, to not regret it and to accept the outcome.

For me, and we are rather different people, I would hate to be regretting paths not walked.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/20/19 11:03 AM
I think the consequences of risk do become much higher when you have small children involved.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/20/19 11:55 AM
I agree with you all and I am not ready to be married again I was just trying to articulate that it is heading down that path. and it's scary. Honestly, I do need more time. I also know that I see a side of her that no one else sees.

She has made it very clear what her intentions are however she is not putting pressure on me. Sure, little comments here and there but nothing really major. We have not been ring shopping either, I have no idea what she would even want.

I know how she treated her XH, Even her own mom she is reluctant to help because in her opinion her mom wastes money and the Dr. doesn't want to help fund her lifestyle that her mom can't afford. I have never asked her for anything, On the weekends we will split if we go out both nights and if it something she wants to do then she will pay as well (her idea). The Dr works hard and she expects everyone else to work hard as well. She is a very strong woman, speaks her mind and is extremely smart. I am stereotyping here but she is not the stay at home type of person where hubby is out working and she is doing her thing with the kids, driving a big fancy car, getting her nails done, etc. That is totally not her. She clips coupons, buys clothes off of Ebay, shops at Aldi, buys second hand clothes for her son she is a saver and does not live a fancy lifestyle.

I dated my XW 3 years before we got married and we lasted 17 years total. Looking back I ignored more red flags with my XW than I should of however back then I was young and didn't know they were red flags. I know more now and agree with kids it does raise the stakes.

She is different with me though and treats me differently. Not sure why but she knows I do not need anything from her, I have made that very clear, I don't care about a pre-nup, I don't want her money and I also don't care about her taking my last name. Due to her practice she doesn't want to change it, I understand that. I really could care less about any of it so maybe those are the reasons why. She knows I am and would be perfectly fine without her. I do love her but I can take it or leave.....this is peanuts compared to the last 3 years of my life and my Divorce. I know she loaded me up with xmas presents, made the comment how easy I am to shop for and she could do it for days. I told her to stop and that I don't need that much. She told me I am a blessing to her and that I deserve it. I was like ok baby, whatever, just don't expect that many gifts from me. She said she didn't care and to stop buying her presents and to not go over budget.

I have read that women go on so many more dates than men do so they really have a good idea of when they find a keeper. Maybe that is just the case or maybe it is just the honeymoon phase. I guess only time will tell.

I really am in no rush.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/20/19 01:31 PM
J,

IMO she is probably in no rush either. Just wants reassurance once in awhile that marriage is the direction you’re headed some day.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/20/19 02:23 PM
Yeah, she is not. She has her hands full getting her practice up and running, expanding into her new space, etc.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 01:48 PM
The Dr. and I had another good weekend. On Friday night we went to an engagement party for one of her friends. They rented out a portion of a restaurant and had about 10 different couples attend. It was not awkward for us however I did ask the Dr. what kind of ring she liked. She told me what she preferred but followed it up by saying she didn't need anything fancy. That was the extent of any conversation about marriage.

Saturday we went out to her ranch for the day. She had her son with her so we just all hung out and did our thing.

I got the girls yesterday and will have them this week. The X texted me and asked if I would be able to help her put together loft beds for the girls. Her and her BF put the first one together on Saturday and for whatever reason he wasn't available to help with the other one. It doesn't bother me any more so when I went to pick up the girls yesterday I helped her put the last one together. The girls were in the room with us so it was really no big deal. It took a couple of hours and as soon as we were finished the girls and I left. It was just all business.

My parents are coming to town tomorrow and I will have the girls xmas eve and xmas morning. I will take them to their mom's around noon and they will spend the rest of the day with her and spend the night. I will then go back and pick them up on Thursday morning to fill out the rest of the week.

I am off until 1/2 so just looking forward to relaxing, working out and just chillin. I do need to take the girls out xmas shopping for their mom, clean the house and also go to the grocery store so I can make dinner when my parents are here.

I can't think of anything else going on. I know it's a tough time of the year for many of us however just remember better times are on the horizon! This is just one chapter of life!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 02:21 PM
J-
Be careful. You asked the Dr. what kind of
Ring she likes. Women translate that to “OMG, I’m getting engaged soon, he’s buying a ring!!!”
That talk comes when you are actually ready to buy.

Your conversations need to revolve around parenting styles, cohabitation styles, etc.

When that comes together and you are ready to go for it, then you ask what ring style she likes.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 02:29 PM
Rhut rho......I just thought it was in context of the situation as the girl that got engaged was walking around showing everyone....my bad
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 03:03 PM
Yeah make sure the earring box looks NOTHING like a ring box.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 03:05 PM
Lol!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 03:39 PM
Originally Posted by kml
Yeah make sure the earring box looks NOTHING like a ring box.
LOL. As I say doing my project work - the hardest part is "managing expectations" laugh
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 03:55 PM
Tsk, tsk, tsk, J9.....did your coach teach you nothing? You never ever EVER ask about rings until you are within a few days of walking into a jewelry store and laying down the cash. You might think it was in the context of what was happening and given your continued praise of the dr’s practicality, you no doubt assume she would view it the same way. But, dear J9, take it from another practical woman....she’s already told her best friend that you brought up ring talk and now she’ll be watching/waiting for it. I’m with kml - make d@mn sure those earrings aren’t in anything that even remotely resembles a ring box or the dr is going to be disappointed. And no, you won’t know because she’s kind, loving, thoughtful and practical, but trust me on this, she’ll be disappointed just the same. She’ll just mask it very well to keep from hurting your feelings.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 03:56 PM
*I’m with kml, that should say....not kids. D@mn autocorrect!

I corrected this for you.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 03:59 PM
Fuch......now I am mad at myself.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 04:50 PM
I think 2 years ago I made gift boxes out of old beer cases. That would certainly throw her off ....

The kids found it funny that each gift they opened had the word Molson under the wrapping paper.

Of course now I'm stuck having created a new tradition .... Good think I like beer still.
Posted By: DonH Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 06:59 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I did ask the Dr. what kind of ring she liked. She told me what she preferred but followed it up by saying she didn't need anything fancy. That was the extent of any conversation about marriage.

Sure, within days of me complimenting you (on another thread) about how well you are handling things with the doctor, I read this... LOL My jaw dropped. The girls have already clued you in but even as I guy I was like, what is he doing? I honestly thought the real truth is that you want to get engaged. Is that possible? If not you didn't think this through at all - which I have to say, when i do give you crap, it's often after you say something that appears you gave zero thought to. Have you been told that before? Do you just blurt things out without thinking?

She's clearly going to be thinking a ring is around the corner. I hope you don't feel obligated now. She may still be the one and a great woman - I just don't think you can be sure of that this soon. Today it's "Oh baby, whatever you want I am fine with" while she has her rose colored glasses still on. She's still so infatuated with you that everything is all rainbows and butterflies, but that is rare to last - with "You don't understand me and why do we always do what you want to do" coming up down the road. You guys have serious life discussions to have some huge heart to hearts on before ring styles come up - although I guess that ship has sailed - or at least has started boarding. I hope she's not disappointed at Christmas. Just in case, I'd think about NOW - think it through before you say it - letting her know that you really want to keep going with her and see a future but it's still too soon. Don't tell her this unless it comes up - but after this weekend, something tells me it might come up.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 07:43 PM
Maybe it was the booze talking smile I have never been told that before. I just didn't think about as the woman who got engaged was showing off her ring. She will be meeting my mom for the first time tomorrow so I really don't think she is expecting a ring for xmas. She knows my mom is the gate keeper.

I don't feel any pressure and if she brings it up I will stay true to myself. She knows we both have not spent a ton of time around each others kids and I would hope she would know we have not had a ton of big discussions either around some of those details you have outlined above.

It is still too soon.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 07:43 PM
I'm just glad that it's J9 getting the flack for moving too fast instead of me for a change laugh

Now where did I put that Chicken Marsala recipe ....

I don't think we need to worry about J9 being impulsive. Putting his foot in his mouth - yes. Impulsive - no. He's shown that he's a pretty heavy duty thinker and planner who I suspect for a career is involved in something that requires a fair amount of risk management. He just strikes me as that type.

And maybe if he literally stuffs his foot into his mouth - he won't blurt out anything he regrets laugh

BTW - Merry Christmas J9 and girls.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/23/19 07:48 PM
LOL.....same to you A. I am lead a large team of 150 people so I don't just act willy nilly. I am constantly managing people and their personalities. Usually I am very diplomatic, and chose my words wisely. I am very cautious and don' just make rash decisions.

IT must have been the 3rd bourbon that got to me smile If she does bring it up I will just let her know that I love her, enjoy spending time with her, etc. but I am still just not ready.

I really don't think it will come up tomorrow. She might drop some hints but I don't think it will be direct if she does so.
Posted By: DonH Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/24/19 01:05 AM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I don't think we need to worry about J9 being impulsive. Putting his foot in his mouth - yes. Impulsive - no. He's shown that he's a pretty heavy duty thinker and planner who I suspect for a career is involved in something that requires a fair amount of risk management. He just strikes me as that type.

And maybe if he literally stuffs his foot into his mouth - he won't blurt out anything he regrets laugh

That is a much better way of stating what I meant. I don’t think J9 would be impulsive about it, I’ve just noticed, way many times, words coming out or getting typed that were probably not meant the way they came out.

I think you know it’s too soon, it’s not the right time, there are many serious discussions that still need to happen... I think you see that as many here do. The huge question is, does the doctor? And even if her brain agrees, her heart, after this past weekend, may be something else. Remember she’s in the throws of early love, and all things wonderful and it will just all work out and I’m just so happy, and he’s so wonderful, and... I think that’s where the doctor is at , plus, “he asked me what kind of a ring I’d like,”. Am I wrong ladies and gentlemen?

Just be sure to fully engage brain before putting mouth in gear. smile.
Posted By: DonH Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/24/19 02:02 AM
And I keep forgetting... you like hit it out of the park with your Christmas gifts dude! I don’t think I’ve ever gotten any one person that many gifts and well thought out. I’m just not a gifts LL guy at all - in fact I was again thinking another great thing about not having a GF is not having to do all that shopping but BS you really did a great job - ringless or not she should be very happy with so many well thought gifts. Good job.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/24/19 02:13 AM
Originally Posted by DonH
And I keep forgetting... you like hit it out of the park with your Christmas gifts dude! I don’t think I’ve ever gotten any one person that many gifts and well thought out. I’m just not a gifts LL guy at all - in fact I was again thinking another great thing about not having a GF is not having to do all that shopping but BS you really did a great job - ringless or not she should be very happy with so many well thought gifts. Good job.


I agree. I’ve never gotten that many gifts. Even as a child. So you did pretty good, and they are all pretty good and right up her alley
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/24/19 11:25 AM
I agree. Your W was a fool and is going to regret her decision for the rest of her life!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/24/19 11:49 AM
Thanks everyone, I will blame it on the bourbon smile It is actually very hard for me just to completely let myself go, express myself and I actually don't do well with commitment. I think it has to do with my professional training and always having to pick and chose my words wisely so no one can pin me down. She knows it it is too early, she is meeting my mom tonight and just a couple of weeks ago she said that we needed to spend more time around each others kids. Deep down inside I am sure she could be a little disappointed deep down inside she knows.

Shopping for her was hard and leading up to it I was dreading Christmas shopping because I didn't want to spend the money. Yes DH, you are right in some ways it is a benefit although I ordered 95% of mine on Amazon so avoided all of the store madness. She is not easy to shop for so that made it a little bit challenging as well. She is coming over tonight for dinner, I am cooking and we will be doing our gift exchange this evening also. She got my girls presents as well and her son won't be present either so what I got him she will just take home with her this evening.

Well G you said to do something more than just a box of chocolates and a coffee mug!

Thanks L, I am not sure what my XW currently values but obviously whatever it is she believed that I was not able to bring it to the table. My XW was also spoiled, had it on easy street, and didn't even know it as she had experienced any other men her entire adult life. It's funny when I think about the DR. and how much more she appreciates me as she knows what it is like to be with another spouse that let her down in many ways.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/24/19 01:35 PM
J,

I really think that makes a difference. The 40 year plus women I know who have been with basically been with one man are mostly miserable and I really think it’s because they have no idea how worse off it could be. Then there is my one friends wife who had been single for 17 years and found my friend and treats him like a king because she knows how bad it is out there.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/25/19 11:39 AM
I agree.....they have no reference point.

Exchanged gifts last night with the dr. No mention of rings and she told me I did well. My girls are up at 4 am this morning now just waiting on grandma and grandpa to wake up. Later this morning going over to the dr. To give her son his presents and she wants my parents to meet him.

Taking the girls to their moms at noon and then I will get them back tomorrow morning.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/27/19 01:00 PM
My parents leave today to head back home. I am still off until 1/2 but have my girls this week. The Dr. son goes to his dad's house today so all next week the Dr and I will have kid free. Going downtown New Years so that should be fun.

My parents got to hang with her on XMAS Eve and XMAS Day. She came over on the Eve and then we went over on Xmas morning so I could give her son his presents. I got her son a drone and some Match Box car race track. I am going to have to take him to a park when he gets back from his dads house so he can fly it. He has already asked several times. My parents also got to meet her mom and sister. That evening her and her son came over for dinner however my girls were at their mom's so it was just the 5 of us.

Both my parents approved and told me I had upgraded and that my XW did me a favor. My mom wanted to go to the W's condo with me when I dropped off the girls to tell the X Merry Christmas however I talked her off the ledge. She just doesn't need to make a big production out of it and certainly not at her front door, etc. I just told her to let it happen organically. My mom is just happy that I am happy so now all that my XW did has been forgiven in her eyes.

I took the girls to Target and had them pick out a couple of things for their mom. So they wrapped them along with a card and gave them to her on Christmas Day. They got me a nice blanket and a couple pairs of socks. It was kind of a surreal moment as I thought to myself about me and the XW and how our R has morphed into a blanket and 2 pairs of socks for presents these days. Then from me a leopard printed pillow along with a leopard coffee cup. The girls told me their mom was currently really into leopard prints! SMH
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/27/19 01:42 PM
J,

All sounds great brother I am happy for you. It will most likely take that for my mom to forgive if ever at all lol.

Keep doing your thing!
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/27/19 02:12 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
The girls told me their mom was currently really into leopard prints! SMH
Leopard or cougar? laugh crazy
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 12/27/19 04:12 PM
Hahaha!!! Thanks guys.....yeah its really nice. Obviously only been a year but definitely noticeable differences between her and the xw. Essentially the dr makes it easy for me to be a man, she celebrates it. The xw challenged me on everything and eventually I just shut down. Maybe that means the xw and I where just not compatible who knows. She could be totally different with her bf than she was with me which definitely could be the case.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/01/20 06:37 PM
Happy New Year everyone!! The Dr. and I went out last night, got a hotel room and bar hopped around town last night. We had way too much too much to drink and passed out around 11:30. We woke up this morning, had some really cheap Waffle House breakfast which did wonders for my hangover. I had never had WF but the Dr had it in med school so she wanted to go.

Last night at dinner the Dr. told me she was fully committed to me and we got on the subject of my mom who has Parkinson's. The Dr. told me that she would be fully there for me and how I needed to get my mom to where we live ASAP because over the next 10 years or so her quality of life is going to diminish and since I am her only child the responsibility will fall on me. I have always known this but just have kind of put it out of my mind. Needless to say the Dr. has thought about all of this and was telling me how she would support me, my girls, my mom and that we would do what is necessary to ensure she is happy.

I was like a deer in headlights with this conversation. I didn't know what to say as I have never experienced this type of love and support from a woman and is nothing like I would have received from my XW. For the most part I just sat and listened, I also broke down a couple of times with some tears as I thought about my mom, her situation and also just how the Dr. is so giving, caring, sweet, loving and compassionate. It is so very different for me, to have someone love me and care for me in ways that my XW never did or could.

Her being around me and just my presence is enough for her. I don't do anything really, go out of my way, make these big gestures, etc. she just totally loves me for who I am. I don't push anything, get bogged down in heavy conversations, etc.

We both have been kid free since Friday and I have been with her every day and night in some capacity. I have so many emotions swirling in my head that it is very hard to process them all. I guess I am starting to feel some pressure because they conversations are becoming more real.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/01/20 08:25 PM
All sounds like really good stuff! Relax and enjoy the journey.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/01/20 08:27 PM
It all sounds pretty amazing. And just because things are great doesn’t mean there is pressure to do anything . Just enjoy being in the place where everything is great.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/02/20 04:06 PM
Ok, will do. Makes sense.
Posted By: neffer Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/02/20 04:48 PM
Happy New Year J9. Glad to read what I read. You make me tear a little, remember those old misty times? it´s good to see how far they are now.

My best wishes for all of you!

Keep shining

(((J9)))
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/05/20 11:04 PM
Thanks Nef....I really feel like I am shining!

Not much to report, just finished essentially spending the entire week with the Dr. The more time I spend with her the more comfortable I get. Nothing new to report, it is coming up on a year of dating on 1/16 and we have already planned on going back to the restaurant where we first met on that evening.

The XW has really become an after thought although she does do some interesting things from time to time. She texted me the other day and asked me if she I had a credit card to a particular store. I didn't but if I did I know she was going to ask to use it and pay me back. Like WTF????? Then today when she was dropping off the girls she came into the house, at one point came up and started stoking my arm and hung around making conversation. It was really weird. I have a picture of me and the doc on my fridge and wonder if she noticed that. That ship has sailed but anyway just really weird. She is still dating the same dude so i mean geez.

Anyway, basketball for my youngest starts back up this week and indoor soccer for my oldest starts on Saturday as well. My youngest decided to start playing soccer again which is really cool because she is talented, I think she just got burned out before.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/06/20 12:27 AM
So when you say stoking your arm do you mean baby arm? Bahaaaaa
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/06/20 12:49 AM
LOL....well i had just got back from the gym and had a tank top on so I was leaning back on the counter and she came up and grabbed my tricep....so transparent smile
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/06/20 02:54 AM
I can't imagine doing that to my exh.. Just saying..
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/06/20 05:30 AM
She’s stroking your arm?
Definitely one of two things:
1) She’s bothered that you’re not her Plan B anymore and is jealously trying to get you back on the hook.
2) She’s realizing what an idiot she was and now that the novelty of OM has worn off, she wishes she was back with you.

Question for you: if the answer is #2 - would you do anything differently?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/06/20 11:29 AM
Yeah, like walked up to me while I was leaning back, making small talk and put her hand on the back of my arm as i was leaning back and held it there for a long pause. It was weird and the second time she broke the touch barrier in the past several weeks. I know she went to her bfs house and took the girls with her for new years so i know he is still in the picture.

There is no interest on my part, that ship has sailed so i would do nothing different. My guess is it is number 1 and plan B.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/06/20 12:13 PM
I hate to admit this. It’s horribly embarrassing. A few years ago when I was in a super dry spell, my ex came to pick up our daughter Wearing a tank He almost started looking good. Then I washed my eyes out with bleach and told myself I need to get laid.

But really, KML is most likely right. Was NOT my case, but I bet it is yours.

Glad to hear you have moved on and wouldn’t entertain that anymore. A year ago, I think it might have been different for you.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/06/20 12:30 PM
Haha....that's ok G. I have held the line since she moved out which is coming up on 3 years. I have no idea what was going through her head when she did what she did. I wasnt perfect but definitely didnt deserve what I got.

Anyway, there is too much water under the bridge at this point to ever look back. The pain she caused me, my girls and my parents is something I could never return from. I also have lost all respect for her and is something that I dont think would ever return.

I will pay my child support like a good soldier and be the best co parent I can be but that is where it stops.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/07/20 03:23 PM
Back at work today after being off for 2 weeks. I spent the last two weeks seeing the Dr. every day in some capacity and it feels really weird not seeing her and going back to our normal BAU routine. It feels like we took two steps forward and have now taken 1 step back. I don't think you can't help but get closer to someone when you do that but I guess it is what it is.

It just seems weird going back to the texting...……..
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/07/20 05:37 PM
Well, that's a good sign isn't it? Instead of going "Phew! Thank god for some alone time, she was getting on my nerves" you're thinking that it felt natural to be together and feels funny to be apart. I'd say this relationship is going well!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/08/20 04:59 PM
All very true, it does feel funny to be a part. It truthfully kind of [censored] going back to the texting and not really seeing each other during the week. Next Thursday will be a year so I will send her some flowers and she already has a sitter lined up for that night so we can go out to dinner.

In other news my oldest is going to be in 6th grade next year so the XW and were discussing what to do with her when school is out. My house is probably a mile away and she has a phone so I am thinking that she could just walk home after school. If the weather is bad then we will need to make some arrangements but the weather is generally not too bad in Texas. The XW asked if my daughter could walk to my house even when it is not my week and I told her "yes" as it would be easier for my daughter. Obviously easier for my XW as well but what is best for my daughter is my only concern. Obviously we would need to revisit if I moved at some point but for now it makes the most sense. Hopefully it will give her some time to grab a snack and get some homework done before her mom swings by to pick her up.
Posted By: doodler Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/08/20 06:29 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
In other news my oldest is going to be in 6th grade next year so the XW and were discussing what to do with her when school is out. My house is probably a mile away and she has a phone so I am thinking that she could just walk home after school. If the weather is bad then we will need to make some arrangements but the weather is generally not too bad in Texas.

My sons have been coming to my house after school since my divorce. My oldest son has a car now, but he still comes to my house after school most days. On my XW's week they go back to her house around the time she gets home from work. It works well for me because I get to see them almost every day.
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/08/20 08:01 PM
Yo J all sounds good just want to remind you to not forget about your boys and make sure you don’t look to the Doc for your only support.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/08/20 09:15 PM
Sounds like things are great with you and the doc. I'm happy for both of you. When XH and I married, his girls came to our house every day after school then their mom picked them up when she got off work. He got off work early and spent time with them and we usually had dinner with them because their mother was too lazy to cook. Even when the girls had their own cars and could do what they want, they still chose to come to hang out at our house until they HAD to go home, which eventually became them staying all the time because their mother moved out of state. It worked for all of us and was probably most beneficial for their mother, but since it gave us a lot of extra time with the girls, we really didn't care.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/09/20 02:37 PM
L...10-4 will do. I met a buddy out before Christmas for some drinks. We usually get together once a quarter for Happy Hour. Need to coordinate another meeting.

Yeah, that's what my thought process is. The girls know that my house is their home, it's the only one they can remember outside of my XW's place but I don't think they view that the same. They can't go outside and play and have no friends in the area she lives in. At my house there is all the kids they grew up with and can go outside to play, ride their bikes to the park, etc. So I don't mind it one bit and if I get to see her more often then just a bonus for me.

Assuming things continue on with Dr. as they are now I will have some things to navigate in the future as we would be moving from our home and either into the Dr's house or buying a new one together. That would mean they would go to a different middle school even though it is in the same town and my youngest would have to change as well unless we were able to petition the school district to allow them to continue going even though I moved.

Funny thing is that all of this hinges on me as my XW moved to a different town, still in the same school district but the schools are vastly different.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/09/20 11:22 PM
Just venting a bit and a reminder that not all is rosey with our x spouses. The xw just called me and asked if I could send her some CS money early as she only had 50 bucks or so to her name. She also said her credit cards are maxed and she hasn't felt this way since college.

I thought to myself wtf I know what you got in our divorce. Anyway, I can't send my girls to her with no money and not being able to buy groceries so I sent her some money early. She said she overspent on Christmas.

I feel bad for her and obviously she let me inside the curtain but I mean it's just crazy and an unfortunate situation.

I told her I couldn't always send anything early I really cant but I also dont want to set the expectation that I can either. I guess she is struggling more than I might realize.

Anyway, I sent what I could
Posted By: LH19 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/09/20 11:46 PM
Yep. That's what happens when you make decisions based on emotions. You don't think things through. She's going to be knocking on your door for more then money soon lol.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/10/20 12:29 AM
you're a good bean xoxoxo
Posted By: HaWho Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/10/20 02:25 AM
Annnnnd that probably explains the timing of the arm stroking.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/10/20 10:40 AM
Originally Posted by HaWho
Annnnnd that probably explains the timing of the arm stroking.

For that kind of cash he should have at least gotten a BJ laugh laugh
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/10/20 11:35 AM
Lol.....Andy P has jokes this morning !!! Too funny!

Yeah, she has no interest in me outside of whatever makes her life easier. That's fine, I dont want anything from her either other than to be a good co-parent. Either was she is going to get the money so it doesnt really bother me other than whatever pertains to my daughters needs. There is a part of me that thinks "this is who my kids spent half their time with????".

Anyways..it is what it is and I did what I thought was right.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/10/20 12:28 PM
You did the right thing.

I’m going to play devils advocate here. I know this is what she wanted, divorce. I know she she asked for this.

But I could empathize with her. It’s really hard when you don’t make a certain a salary. When you just want to give your kids everything you can so they don’t feel it and you make make a bad decision like overspend on Christmas. It really really stinks.

And come on, yes, this is who your daughters spend half of their time with. And you know she is a good mom too. You’ve said it many times . She probably really did overspend in Christmas not wanting to make it feel like any less of a Christmas. And she didn’t ask for you to give her money, just to give her money early. I’m going to imagine to ask you and tell you why, probably really killed her.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/10/20 12:48 PM
I know G......I guess I still have a little anger in me that comes out once in a while. Truthfully she is on her own, her parents/siblings live out in CA and provide her with no support. My job brought us here so back then it was a non-issue so wants to get a Divorce now her she is. Not sure where her BF is in this picture but I guess he is not an option although they have been together for over 2 years.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/10/20 12:55 PM
My dad helps me with buying me some furniture and stuff. Thankfully. I’m grateful for that. But OMG it’s hard.

I’m imagining she didn’t ask her boyfriend because she isn’t asking for extra money, just her money, a little bit early. Nothing extra.


I understand the anger. It’s was her choice. But she’s feeling the repercussions of her decisions for sure. The universe is taking care of it. And it seems like she making an effort to make sure her kids don’t feel the repercussions of her decisions which has gotten her into this pickle.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/10/20 02:00 PM
I know G.....she is just starting to reach out more and more for assistance. After the advance on CS convo she texted me later asking me questions about how to hook up her surround sound on her TV. Can't your BF figure that out for you???? Then, a couple of weeks ago she is asking my advice on what she should do to reduce her internet and tv bills. Again, can't he provide you with that support?

Anyway it just doesn't make sense sometimes.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/10/20 04:01 PM
You were a useful appliance that she knew where all the knobs were and how they worked. New BF probably isn't as familiar a tool.

This is starting to veer into the "you fired me from that job - figure it out" territory.
Posted By: kml Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/10/20 04:09 PM
Lol - I’m sure BF is a “tool”, just not a useful one!

Send her a link to the Mr Money Mustache forum - sounds like she’s dug herself a financial hole and needs some ninja frugality to find her way out.

It’s rotten because you want your kids to be ok so she’s got you over a barrel.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/13/20 04:03 PM
LOL....yes, unfortunately she does and I am going to have to manage it for the next 7 to 8 years the best I can. She was never good with money and is the type of person that will spend it if she has it. We never really had money issues in our marriage but at one point she made me put her on an allowance. I am a saver by nature so at times it was a conflict and frustrating. Now she is on her own so it is really her issue to figure out.

I don't really have much to report. It will be 1 yr for the Dr, and I on Thursday. We are going out to dinner and I will send her some flowers to her office. We are kid free essentially this weekend as well and have a fundraiser to go to on Friday night so that will be fun.

Other than that not much else going on, my daughters won their games this weekend. I am 3-0 as my youngest's basketball coach with 5 games left in the season hopefully we can go undefeated!!
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/13/20 06:01 PM
Congrats on the one year mark TBS!!! And also on your girls’ victories!! Sounds like it’s been a great week!!! (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Maika Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/13/20 06:50 PM
One year mark huh? Wow. How do you feel?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/13/20 08:15 PM
Thanks D, it was definitely a good week!! I enjoy coaching their teams as it gives me an opportunity to see my girls on the weeks I don't have them.

Hey M......I feel great, the possibilities are endless! It has been a journey for sure!
Posted By: neffer Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/13/20 08:35 PM
What a journey J9! Congrats on the anniversary!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/13/20 09:58 PM
Thank Nef, it has been one hell of a ride!
Posted By: JujuB Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/14/20 04:12 AM
There’s something to be said about the walkaways that screw around on their spouses and then need money and favors. This is opposite but the same.. I keep getting asked to hold off on cashing my CS support checks! There is a basic selfishness and irresponsibility that comes with people capable of doing what they did. Don’t help her, she’s just using you or she’s trying to sabatoge your new relationship in a really sneaky way. I agree with Andrew. She fired you and it will only cause hurt feelings with The Dr. because she’s not asking her ex for favors. I think women like your ex are sneaky.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/14/20 03:41 PM
I agree J, I just don't know what to do as it involves my girls. If she over spent and has minimal money to buy groceries for them, entertain them, etc. I struggle with it.

My only motive in giving her CS money early is as it is of benefit to my girls. If they were not involved it would be a completely different story.

I don't need her for anything, the Dr. doesn't need her XH for anything but both of them rely on us for things. The Dr's XH still calls her for medical advice as he is currently experiencing heart issues.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/14/20 04:25 PM
When my XH and I first got married, his first XW's money mismanagement drove me CRAZY. She lived in a house that her parents provided for her (as in bought outright so there were no payments) on their land (so, also no land payments and no taxes because parents paid all that). They also paid her vehicle payment and carried her on their insurance and their cell phone plan so she didn't pay a dime for any of that. My XH paid nearly $1400 per month in child support plus he provided all medical insurance and we paid 75% of all medical expenses (she was responsible for 25% as per their divorce decree, but typically when these things came up, her parents paid them for her). In addition she had a full time job (made barely above minimum wage, but still a job) and she worked a second job a few hours a week for cash under the table and it was a tipped job so she got lots of tips because she's smarmy and flirty and can put on a really good sweet act. So, between her 2 jobs and child support, she's probably bringing in somewhere in the neighborhood of $3000 per month. She's paying out an electricity bill, a water bill and gas for her vehicle on a regular basis. The girls came to our house every day after school and about 27 days out of 30 in a month, they ate at least one meal at our house, so she rarely even bought groceries. And, she would STILL cry poor and make statements to XH about how she couldn't even afford to have cable tv at her house or satellite for the girls (who complained about it to us ALL the time and that was one reason they always wanted to be at our house....we had satellite and internet) because she just couldn't afford the $50 or $60 a month base package. Seriously? She's paying out a few hundred dollars a month on utilities and doing God knows what with the rest of the money and she begged him to pay her cable bill. Despite the fact that the divorce decree required us to split school expenses with her 50/50, we usually paid at least 75% of all that stuff and were never surprised when it was actually dropped on us completely. In the meantime, she could afford to travel all over the country every weekend to wherever her boyfriend was working to stay with him and she ate out all the time. She'd drag the girls with her to play on peoples' sympathies so that whoever she was dining with would pay for her and the girls. It was disgusting. I put my foot down on the cable thing. It would have been one thing if the girls weren't eating and or getting basic needs met or medical or clothing provided, but WE were paying the bulk of those costs anyway, so there was NO d@mn way I was paying her cable bill on top of all that we were already doing for the girls.

That's a very long rambly hijack (sorry J!) to say, I just don't get these women who think walking away is such a good idea when they do not have their financial sh!t together. I'm not saying I always have mine together either, especially when something big crops up, but 99% of the time, I handle my sh!t all by myself without going back to my XH and asking for money. Of course, I'm sure there are men who are the same way. My XH left me for a woman who made better money than me and by all accounts is still doing absolutely nothing to financially contribute to the household. What a shock!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/14/20 05:01 PM
At least she has not asked me to pay for things outside of the CS I give her.

I also don't itemize everything I do either. For example, I bought my D indoor soccer shoes this past weekend that were around $40. I didn't make her pay half so truthfully she has it pretty easy with me.

Tonight I am picking up my girls from school because my youngest has practice and my XW has to go to an incoming 6th grade parent meeting. Since I live a mile away from the school it is better for my daughters if they come with me, have dinner at the house, etc. than it is for them to go my XW's place and be left alone. I just won't do that just because it is "her" week.

As this process continues I am gradually learning who seems to bear more of the responsibility.
Posted By: job Re: Hitting My Stride II - 01/14/20 05:10 PM
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Hitting My Stride III
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