I respect all of you and your opinions. That said after dating sunshine girl #2 for about 2 months I asked my IC about when I should/could introduce D4 to her. I don't remember her exact words, but the reply she did not concur with the need for 6months plus of waiting. The "wait 6 months" seems abritrary to her and to me and then we talked about how unrealistic that would actually be especially given the holidays, or family events or whatever. The intent I get, it sounds good, protective, but it simply wasn't going to happen.
Then the more I got to thinking about it I realized no matter how much I do or how long I wait there is no way I can protect D4 from heartbreak. Now that's not to say I'm trying to rush it and for sure as well I would be a terrible example if I had a revolving door of women coming in and out of her life, but I have no intentions of that being the case. Also and especailly from this site, we all know at any time for any reason and in many instances no reason that we can actually understand, people leave each other. I could wait 6 months, a year, whatever think sunshine girl #2 is the one...and then she could leave. There is no certainity that after any amount of time and no matter how much I think a relationship is gonna last that it's guaranteed to do so and D4 at whatever age would have to deal with the loss of that person. A lady I had dated before my current had an 8yo and 6yo, they were wonderful children, very smart and she had introduced them to 2 other men prior to myself after her divorce. After she elected to stop seeing me, I've seen pictures of them on social media smiling, enjoying their lives, no signs of trauma from the heartbreak of me not being in the picture anymore. And then with my GF...she has a cousin who got married after 2 weeks!!! of knowing her husband. She and I both looked at each other incredulous thinking about how ridiculously fast that seems, BUT they have been happily married for 17 years now. Here I am having been twice divorced after dating each for 18 months before proposing and then to have neither of them last past 5 years. Bottom line there are no guarantees nor certainties with relationships and heartbreak is inevitable in life.
I value the help and support that each of us provide to one another on this site. It's truly a very valuable thing the support shown to many people going through terrible times in their life. Sometimes, however, the advice that I read I find to be overly cautious and/or too cynical to agree with. I wonder at times if given how badly many of us have been hurt, we've erred too far in our "don't trust...give it lots of time...etc" that we don't celebrate, encourage and enable people when/if they meet someone new/start dating. I just lean more towards the less cautious, give it a whirl, see what happens side of the house.
In this instance I know I chose to go a different direction from the prevailing advice. I do not discount the logic of what most of you have said and God knows I don't want D4 to experience any more heartbreak than she has too. I simply decided in my situation that the time was right for me to introduce D4 to Sunshine girl and it will be on me good or bad to deal with the consequences. I'd prefer not to discuss any further the rightness or wrongness of my decision especially as it's already been made. I hope that as I respect each of your opinions as friends on this site that each of you can respect mine. I very much do take your comments, thoughts into my decisions as I've found this site to be a great support. I only hope that given my stance I'm not ostracized for having a contradictory point of view.
All the best...
-B
Hi Ballast. I agree with much of what you are saying. In terms of introducing the kids to someone, I think it really depends on the situation...in particular, the vulnerability of the kids. In my case, my kids are very connected to their dad. They aren’t looking for a father figure and I’m not looking for anyone to be that for them.
My kids met my boyfriend pretty early on in a very casual, nonchalant kind of way. He doesn’t have kids and hasn’t been around a lot of kids so things were a bit awkward at first but now it’s been six months, there is a pretty good level of comfort on both sides but still not the kind of connection where I would worry very much about them being highly impacted if we broke up. Their primary concern would be my emotional state so if I looked okay, they would be okay too.
My kids are also turning 12 in December so are getting to that adolescent stage of caring way more about their peer relationships than their mom’s love life. Now if they were younger and their dad had disappeared from their lives, I would be much more cautious as I would worry about them becoming overly attached.
So, in short, I think every situation is different and depends on a lot of factors. I also think that you wouldn’t want to wait too long as you would want to know how your SO is around your kids. If there is a big problem, you are going to want to know that before you get overly attached. I would not want to be with someone my kids didn’t like or someone who had too many opinions about my parenting or was irritated by the presence of my kids. I also would not want to be with someone who is more interested in my kids than in me.
Meh...so D4 became D5 on Saturday AND she was with me along with lots of my family. We had a wonderful time. I just dropped her off at day care though. Custody and sharing aka "LOSING" time with her...same ol' hating it.
I had asked exWW twice if she wished to see D5 on her birthday, but WW declined. Then Saturday afternoon on her birthday, exWW texted me asking me to wish D5 a happy birthday for her. Ummmm...you could have called her to wish her that or you could have even seen her had you wished. Later that night I received an email from WW about a future Christmas party and some other randomness...all of it either matter of fact or already agreed upon. It was as if WW felt the need on the day of me having D5 and it being her birthday that she needed to interject herself for whatever reasons. I don't get it, but thankfully I don't have to. Maybe someone here can explain it. The absolute best feeling around this weirdness is that I know I have absolutely zero feelings for WW or that she has OM now. I'll be dealing with this randomness I guess all my life, but I know shes completely in the past of my life feelings wise.
-B
Well...
Been happily seeing the same lady for almost 6 months now, but now she wants to come to talk as she feels we're "off". Normally I would be panicked by the "hey I want to talk" line, but honestly I'm not anymore. The truth is while we've been going along rather happily since we met, we've never had a talk about us. Call it the honeymoon phase/whatever we've never done that to date and honestly I think it's beyond time that we do so. To me we're off not because we're off but because we've never had that type of talk between us.
I get the sense in her priors the men she's been with have never been able or wanting to talk like that with her. I do worry about my willingness to do so making me seem less manly in her eyes, but I also truly wonder if she's never had a man willing to talk about the relationship, does she even know how to express what she's feeling/needing. So yeah I get the thought of maybe this means the end, BUT I also know very well that if two people don't frequently communicate about what they need in and from a relationship, then it's never gonna work anyway. I'm hopeful that she does want to continue seeing me and will open up with me so that we can resolve what's bothering each of us and grow closer, but if she's not willing to put the work in, then I'll wish her well and move on along as there will come a time when some other lady will be.
Best to all...
-B
Yo B you know the drill by now. Listen, validate and if she ends it wish her well and say call me if you change your mind. Walk and never contact her again.
Yes, LH I do. It would be disappointing if she did end it without us getting our feelings out there and then giving it some time for both of us to try and improve things, BUT it doesn't have to make any sense to me I know. Like I said if at the first time we talk about US she breaks us up, then she was never the right lady in the first place. I'm hopeful and open to understanding her feelings and I as well even while I'm happy to be with her, have felt things are off as well. Bottom line there's been basically silence between us when it comes to the talking/working/understanding about us and if we don't start changing that, then we have no chance long term anyway. Really hope she feels our relationship is worth working on, but nothing I can do if she doesn't.
Funny thing happened LH...after she had said she wanted to have the talk, she never mentioned it again. If there was ever an example of how we say to people that "that is how she is feeling NOW, but it might change later" well this was that. Thing is when I have felt her feeling these "off" feelings, they've always come after a weekend or period of time when we've not had much physical contact. What I mean is when we just hang out, don't kiss/hug/hold hands much or cuddle on the couch is when she starts to feeling this way. And this is even when we're still having sex.
One time we were talking about this topic and I said something to the effect of "hey I was holding your hand" and she replied with "yes, but not for long". What I'm getting at is AND what I have realized I don't do well is that ladies need/want more physical touch kissing/hugging/cuddling etc than I realize AND I've never really associated those things with initimacy/connection/etc. Weird part is that I completely love and want to cuddle her, but find myself at times not doing so. Maybe she's not feeling good/tired/whatever and instead of going over and holding her it's like I'm thinking if she wanted that she would come to me.
Anyway I think I've identified the main issue for why she was feeling we were off. AND this past week while we were together I've been more proactive in kissing her, hugging her and cuddling her into me. I was talking with a girlfriend at work and she was like "when we're feeling bad we love having you wrap us in your arms, it makes us feel safe and we can relax and be feminine. also when you don't want to hold us we feel like you don't want us and/or that something is wrong" A learning experience for me for sure and I'm happy that these days when things come up in a relationship I can sense them and instead of her needing to tell me what's wrong, I at least feel I have a pretty good idea myself. I think her primary love language is physical touch at least from what I know of her so far. Giving her more hugs/kiss/cuddles I think was the answer to this "off" conversation coming up. Being on here and working with my IC has really helped me to become much more aware as a man of how to understand her feelings and what I can do to help address the negative ones if they come up.
-B
B,
Sounds good B. Why don’t you give her the Love Language book so you’re not guessing.
LH,
Yep, I've already been thinking about that.
Right now I'd say I haven't because even though I am aware of the book and think about our relationship in regards to it, I don't think that she has ever done the same thing in a prior relationship. Like some folks have said on here, as a result of our BD/D, most of us have become way more attuned to these types of introspections than perhaps our new girl/boy friends have. I just don't want to get us too deep too fast.
I hope to over time that she and I will talk more about our needs/wants/etc as we go along and as we do I hope to bring up the love languages topic/book more naturally.
Read the Five Love Languages by Chapman to figure this out. Obviously one of her Love Languages is Physical Touch.
FWIW...I just realized that my 2 year BD came and went and I didn't even remember it. Really happy about that!
-B
Alright so...been some time since I last posted, but I'm in need of opinions/advice. GF and I to date are 7+ months together, happy best I know, but Saturday night something came up that I'm not 100% sure how I feel about it.
We went to a same sex marriage celebration party for two ladies we know. My GF's mom has a same sex partner and so I've met a large number of ladies who are all friends and were there at the party. I'm totally cool with same sex marriage/partnership/ and all of these ladies are super nice and friendly. So basically what I found myself at was a large group of ladies partying with myself and one other guy. Soon after the party started two ladies my GF's age showed up and from that point forward for the most part she pretty much hung out with them and I felt myself ghosted. As it was ladies partying I kinda just appreciated that they were all having a good time and I was just chilled out relaxing.
A bit of time goes by and then my GF comes to me to say that this party is likely to go on all night long. I could go back home if I wanted to, but she didn't want me to. I was kinda taken aback by this as it was news to me and that I would likely be going home alone while she stayed to party. The ladies were getting drunk, dancing, all the usual stuff. Anyway, since I was feeilng this was a girl's party, I told everyone goodbye and proceeded to walk out the door. I was a bit p'd off to say the least. The other two ladies she had been with passed me at the door on my way out. Anyway I go home. No text/phone/anything from GF until 10am the next day. Told her to call me and I'll come pick her up. She had ended up staying at the apt of the 2 ladies. Now one of those is "like a sister" to her and the other lady is enaged to be married in a same sex service coming up.
About an hour later she returns to the house with the "like a sister" lady. GF begins to say sorry BUT then shows me a hickey on her neck. Apparently the engaged lady gave it to her. Once her "sister" friend left, I told her flat out "I don't like that AT ALL", said that if it had been me and I was out all night long and returned with something like that on my neck she would be p'd off about it and we'd likely be split. I told her very clearly how I felt about it CALMLY but with no room for confusion.
Meh...I think this is more a drunk think, but to me that is no excuse and it's disrespectful from her. To give a hicky takes some time, it's not just a peck on the cheek. DId they kiss, she stayed at their apt...anything else happen that I don't know about. Lest we forget the whole corona issue AND that the other lady is supposedly engaged...would her fiancee be happy to know that happened. Bottom line I did not even touch her the rest of the day. I'm repulsed to see a hicky on her neck from someone other than me. I gave her no kisses, nor ILY or anything. The more I think about it, the more p'd I get. Thing is AM I BEING STUPID ABOUT IT? She says she's not bi and I believe her to the extent I know, but allowing someone else to do that to her man or woman just seems like she broke some trust between us.
What say the rest of you on this...I have value and boundaries and I'm not gonna tolerate being disrespected, but is this something that warrants being upset about? I don't want to overreact and for sure won't, but like I say I'm not happy. She tried to engage with me physically last night, but I just was not into her at all given what happened.
-B
let's forget gender: she went to a party, spent the night at someone else's home and came back with of all things a hickey.
I'd have a problem with that.
I totally agree with bttrfly. BIG RED FLAG. I don't think her behavior will change although she may hide it from you for awhile.
Agree with bttrfly and doodler.....not good. Gender is irrelevant.
B
I’m sorry you are going through this right now.
I think I’m a little bit more open in this area then most here so I’ll tell you what I would do. Talk to her and tell her how you feel about it. If her being with a woman is a deal breaker for you then break up with her. If not then tell her your expectations moving forward.
I’m a betting man and I would wager that this isn’t her first rodeo and she likes her some lady parts.
You have some thinking to do.
thank you all for your comments. I don't want to overreact to this event, but at the same time I need to be sure that I explain to her how I feel this was disrespectful to me, harmful to the trust in our relationship and hurtful. In the 7 months we've been together I've known she has many same sex friends and family and not once to date has she been with any of them in a situation like this past weekend. She's told me she is not bi, this was like a bachelorette party and so some things went on. Maybe the only thing that happened was the hickey, but the reality is I don't know and that not knowing along with that mark on her neck is really bothering me. It's like we had a sanctity in that my body was for her alone and her's was for me alone, for that to be not the case now...visibly...albeit perhaps minimally really having a hard time with that.
Irrespective of the details, the facts are the facts as you all point out and she and I are going to have to talk more about it and I'm going to need to share what's still bothering me about what happened. I'm a big guy and I know I'm high value and there are other's in the sea so to speak, but I'm feeling hurt, betrayed and blindsided right now.
-B
B,
If that is your plan then make it concise and state your expectations moving forward then move on. Don’t act but hurt about and passive aggressive about it.
Maybe I’m confused or missing something. I get that you don’t want to overreact, but isn’t this person your girlfriend? LH’s response about being more open than others here caught my attention and made me wonder if I had misread something. If you’d said this was someone you were casually dating and this happened, it would be one thing, but if this is someone you are in a committed relationship with, that is a whole other issue to me. Either way, you should definitely talk to her and tell her your expectations and be firm and direct about it, but to me personally, it is still a red flag if y’all are committed and she did it. Would she be ok if you had done it? Likely not.
As soon as the other lady left yesterday morning, I clearly told her I didn't like that at all...and I did it calmly. As you say I do not want to get passive agressive about it or but hurt over it. I might have done that yesterday by keeping a distance from her, no physical contact, no love words. I guess she gets a one time warning on this one, next time I am a memory.
Given that context I'm loathe to bring the topic up for further talk, but it's bugging me as I don't feel I got the whole story...would I ever even if I asked? probably not...that said should I just let her go now. meh, the conflict in me over this I think makes the angriest. Also she's not really apologized like I think she should have. But what apology would really free my mind from this stuff and make it alright? I ain't TOUCHING her until that mark is off her neck. And unless she's a hicky magician we all know a single kiss on the neck won't make that thing appear. I feel repulsed by her right now...which I know is crazy, but my attraction to her went to H*LL seeing that on her.
Dawn...just seeing your post. Yes if it had been ME that did that, she would I imagine have been furious and likely we'd be done...or at least cooling off for some time. Still very much amazed that she let it happen. She would say she was drinking/drunk/whatever, but THAT is inexcusable to me. AND she sent me home from the party and THEN that all happened....
Yeah, drunk and gender are both irrelevant.
Yup......not the first time. Decision time.
What if she was drinking /drink and it was a guy who put that on her neck? Excusable ?
There’s a lot of layers of concern here. Outside of the ones already pointed out is the fact that this woman was engaged so your gf has no respect for that commitment. Also, if gf is friend’s with this woman’s fiancé, it’s just another huge betrayal.
I feel sorry for this woman’s fiancé, too.
Ginger...no definitely not excusable. No matter the gender.
The more I read about hickeys the angrier I get. My GF is basically marked by another woman for days now! I'm hurt, insulted...many things. AND then...I think to myself...Did she just get that hickey right away and that was all that happened? Has anyone just gotten a hickey and there's not been anything else that goes with it? Just come up, suck someone's neck and move on? I HIGHLY doubt that. What I mean is I feel like there had to be kissing and other things that went with the hickey. AND OMG...the girl who supposedly did this...she is NOT at all attractive to the point I'm repulsed thinking of her with my GF.
But you know what...in all of my anger over this...with all that's going on right now in the world life and death, I do ask myself does any of this even matter. GF is scared, has several people close to death as is, she has death and the thought of it all around her. Again I don't mean her actions are excusable...I guess I just wonder if now isn't the time for this.
And kinda like before BD...I find myself reading about hickeys and the mental games of those two together gets me anxious again just like back with ExWW after BD.
Really appreciate all of you.
-B
Well we talked. I'm happy with how it went. I was very clear with her about how this event made me feel and if something like this happen again, we would be over. She was remorseful and agreed it was inexcusable.
Post-BD with my ExWW I read alot about the need for forgiveness, both for myself over whatever anger/resentment I had towards my Ex and whatever part I played in the demise of our marriage. BUT I also learned a great deal about the need to forgive those that we love as no relationship can survive long term without that ability. I feel like with this situation we cleared the air, she fully knows my boundary on this type of behavior and what I would do if something happened like this again. With that I want to put this behind us and move forward. For sure I won't forget it and it has impacted my trust in her, but it is not something we can't get passed.
I appreciate everyone's comments, particularly those who agreed with me about the fact that YES I was justified in feeling as I did. As I said above, such concerns seem so very trivial in light of what's transpiring in the world today. Thank you all and pray that everyone stays safe through these days to come.
-B
Hi Ballast,
What I like most about your post is that you have taken what you learned post BD and applied it in a way that is most comfortable for you and most in alignment with who you are. You are communicating honestly and directly and setting a boundary that you are comfortable with. I'm happy for you!
-B.
Alright so it has been a ridiculously long time since I've been on here! I'm long since past my D and now going through a "space" need with my GF of over a year. I came back here as so much of what I went through and learned back then is still applicable now. What really amazes me with the passage of time is how much and how helpful so much of what I learned back then I recall like it was yesterday. And so much of it provides me great comfort and reinforcement in my current dealings in the dating world. Just couldn't resist posting a hello message and to all of those in the depths of bomb drops, WW's and the constant struggle of a loss of control and your world turned upside down, I'm living proof out of the tunnel at the other side that you can and will make it through.
-ballast
Alright so it has been a ridiculously long time since I've been on here! I'm long since past my D and now going through a "space" need with my GF of over a year. I came back here as so much of what I went through and learned back then is still applicable now. What really amazes me with the passage of time is how much and how helpful so much of what I learned back then I recall like it was yesterday. And so much of it provides me great comfort and reinforcement in my current dealings in the dating world. Just couldn't resist posting a hello message and to all of those in the depths of bomb drops, WW's and the constant struggle of a loss of control and your world turned upside down, I'm living proof out of the tunnel at the other side that you can and will make it through.-ballast
Yo B so you are saying you need space from your girlfriend?
Is this the same one that had an inappropriate with another woman?
How is your exw doing?
Hey LH! Good to see a familiar vet still on here!
So no this is not the same GF. That GF decided to break up with me on Easter Sunday morning. LOL I mean who does that? 😂. Could feel that one coming, but she went back to her ex. The one she called “old fat guy” who would sit and text with his ex-GF’s while they watched TV. Bullet dodged!
The space is for my GF who I’ve been seeing for the last year. She has been fantastic since we met up to and including a week long vacation we took together. BUT I had noticed a change in her texts for about 2 weeks. It was subtle but she stopped with the lovey dovey names to me, stopped saying I’ll be home and just in general less excited. EVERY thing else stayed the same. She cooked, laundry, talking in person, sex was amazing, no bitchiness/fighting. I told my buddies and counselor my spidey sense felt something but they all say no she loves you. Well Sunday she came up for the talk. I told her I was expecting it.
I think she’s scared. She has a history of male figures in her life leaving or dying. She also has a very hectic job and some other things she’s never fully addressed. Could there be an OM, sure but none of the other clues are there. No guarding the phone either. Anyway she asked for some space and so I’m giving it to her. Don’t know how it will go, but I’m settled on how I approach whatever she decides. If she wants to leave, best of luck and I’ll move along to someone new and if she wants to stay together I have a list of a few things that would have to happen for me to agree to it. As I say she’s been fantastic to me and even in this has been as well so I’m dealing with walk away and not WW. If there is another guy then I’d default be done. Anyway re-reading my history, man I’m blown away by the quality of the advice I got. Was hard I guess before D and being in the tunnel to really grasp it but coming back now, it really hits me the quality of help I got here.
As for ExW, amazingly we are good. Haven’t seen her in years and only earlier this year did we talk on the phone for the first time. We continue via text and email for issues regarding D and to date it’s been working well. She has a new long term guy and I’ve had my GF so all in all everything is fine on that front.
Hope all is well for you LH!
-ballast
I had noticed a change in her texts for about 2 weeks. It was subtle but she stopped with the lovey dovey names to me, stopped saying I’ll be home and just in general less excited. EVERY thing else stayed the same. She cooked, laundry, talking in person, sex was amazing, no bitchiness/fighting.
So you were living together even though you'd only been dating a year? Or was she just spending a lot of time at your place and calling it "home"?
As for the "no other man" - I wouldn't be so sure. She could be communicating with an ex-boyfriend on FB and you'd never know, right?
Was the vacation recent? If so, maybe she was waiting until after the vacation, or maybe the vacation clarified her thinking?
Now - if her request for "more space" was accompanied by some actionable complaints: you drink too much, she's tired of cooking and doing laundry for you, or other such things - then maybe it's as simple as that. If it's really because she's "used to men leaving" - she may not be someone who can be happy with a stable relationship, because there's not enough of the DRAMA that she grew up with and associates with "true love".
Any which way - unless there's something she made clear to you that YOU were doing that was a problem (and not stupid excuses like walked too heavy or paid someone else $30 to do the yard) - you're probably better off moving on. Who wants to be with someone who is second guessing their choice this early on? I want to be with someone who thinks they're lucky to have me.
Kml,
Yes we had been living together and after our discussion she moved out with all of her things.
As I say I’m not sure about there not being another man. And if there is/was I’d be done and she knows this. How will I know..good question. Im simply saying there are no other signs and her hectic career and desire to work even more than she does now have always been an issue. Honestly while I’m respecting and leaving her be I’m posturing my expectation on there being some one else.
One week beach vacation was recent and we were fantastic throughout. No fighting, distance, bitxhiness, sex was amazing. Anything is possible.
No complaints about me. Going back to her work schedule, said it was unfair to me that she couldn’t give me more time. Though I have enjoyed the free time to spend with friends, pursue my guitar playing and lessons. Again could be cover for another man. Who knows.
I have no rush to be anything but BF GF and you may be right but if she did honestly just need some time to address some things, after how wonderful she’s been to date I don’t see the harm. If she wants us to continue it will be made clear that this space is a one time only event. I won’t do another. Also if this space goes on with no updates one way or the other, I will also be done. I’m totally at peace with saying goodbye to her and letting her go but given our history together I’m ok with given her the space and seeing what happens.
B,
Living together within a year might have made her want to slow things down.
I think you’re handling it beautifully. Give her time and space.
I’m impressed.
LH,
She had said to me she wasn’t ready for marriage. To which I said “good because I had no intention of proposing unless/until we had talked it through when if the time came. She’s easily a 60+ hours a week worker but see living together and me having D makes it feel like she’s married. She gets guilty feeling she should be home but at the same time her work demands are there. Her moving into her own place might help relieve that pressure she feels. As I say I’m good with BF and GF and seeing each other here and there. Dang sure I’m no rush for marriage again.
Again maybe there’s someone else, I told her when we first started dating that was my hard boundary, do that and I’m done and won’t look back. Even when she asked for space she even asked if that would mean I’d never speak to her again. I said this is not the same as that. She repeatedly said she loves me and she has contacted me by text twice since then. Bottom line I’m doing exactly totally detached, having fun with D and ready to get back into the dating game if she decides to end us. She knows I’m a great man and says she loves me. Ultimately her decision. As I say she’s been amazing to this point.
Time will tell.
Whose idea was it to live together in the first place? And how long had you been dating before that happened?
Would you be happy with the relationship if it was just a dating relationship with weekend sleepovers?
(And btw I found it kinda weird that you mentioned her cooking and doing laundry - if she's working 60 hours a week why aren't you taking care of those things???)
It was a mutual decision after about 2 1/2 months. And yes staying BF/GF and seeing each other on weekends, a date night here and there I’d be happy with. We both enjoyed that dynamic when we first started dating.
Mentioning those was not to imply she solely did those things in the house. Rather that there was no pullback from her doing them as well while her texts seemed to change. She has always seen doing those as taking care of her man AND she has specific ways for washing some of her things so she just did them. For sure I cooked, cleaned and helped with the laundry throughout. We have always been a team and great when it came to household duties.
Hey ballast,
Sorry to hear about your girlfriend moving out when everything was going so well.
I, too, found it odd she's working 60 hours, cooking, and doing laundry. Given the romantic relationship was going so well, I wonder if living with you meant more housework than living alone?
For sure I cooked, cleaned and helped with the laundry throughout. We have always been a team and great when it came to household duties.
Nevermind. You answered as I posted. (:
Moved in together after 2 1/2 months? Maybe it was a pandemic-induced thing, but otherwise - nope. Nope nope nope. You can't know someone well enough after that amount of time. Slow your roll.
(Says the woman who moved her current boyfriend in after only 3 months but ONLY because he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer AND had just recently been laid off AND had no where else to go. What began as a mission of mercy for someone who would be dead in 6 months turned into 3 years of living with a loving but Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder man who can be - well - a bit of a pill to live with. )
kml,
Yes it was driven a lot by the pandemic actually. Now given that her work has picked back up, fact is it’s likely not ideal. Can we now in a non honeymoon phase go back to separate places and stay BF GF, guess we’ll find out.
I have a friend, married his wife after 2 weeks! They just celebrated 20 years together. I fully understand the rationale of dating rules, but I’ve experienced enough myself and heard from others that when it comes to relationships the craziest of beginnings could last while the most by the book courtships could fail miserably. After 2 divorces I’m living my life by what makes me happy.
Yeah, we've all heard stories like that. But FAR more frequent are the stories of people who married too quickly and then found out they weren't compatible!
Really, it takes time to get to know who someone is. Definitely at least a year, often more like 2 or 3. And while young kids might do impulsive things like that, when fully grown adults with some experience are jumping into living with someone that fast, it sends up GIANT red flags for me. Because among fully grown adults, the people who do that are much more likely to have unhealthy patterns or reasons. Like Love Addicts, who feed on the endorphins of infatuation (but can't stick around for the long haul when the infatuation wears off), or manipulators (like Andrew's hoarder girlfriend who presented herself one way but really just wanted to laze around and leech off of him), or drama addicts, or any number of other unhealthy attachments. While it can feel great that someone thinks you are the bees knees early in a relationship, it also can mean they love their FANTASY of who you are - which may or may not line up with the reality.
In this case, living together too early might have put too much pressure on the relationship. See how just dating each other goes.
kml
Zero disagreement with what you said. Up until this space ask, my GF’s actions have matched her words.
I think living together made her feel married and trapped as the demands of the job she loves have increased as COVID has declined. I’m eyes wide open to the thought there must be an OM to have brought this about, but I have little behind subtle adjustments in her texts which tipped me to something being off. Then the more I’ve read and thought of us there are many more direct stressors in her life which could have brought this ask about. As I say I set cheating at the very beginning with her as an inexcusable. The GF who left me before her, I blocked her and dropped any and all trace of her from my life as soon as her last word was sent. They each have free will to do as they please. If my GF decides to leave, I will wish her well, continue on my path and see what my future has in store.
I hope we have the chance to continue but that’s not in my control.
Well she contacted me last night...by phone, in her car heading home from work. Said she wanted to end us. I said ok, I respect. I said I wish you all the best in the future, I love you...and she replied "I love you too". WHAT? I had to say if you love me then why are we ending. I don't recall the particulars from there, but suffice it to say she wasn't feeling it and as it went the thought occurred to me that if she truly loved me, she would not be letting me go. Once that thought crossed my mind, I let go and we ended the call.
There's a sermon out there that I'm particularly fond of. It helped me so much getting through my D and it's words and message continue to help me to this day. It's called "don't drown in shallow water." Two phrases from that sermon resonate with me as these relationships I have come and go. 1) "Stop grieving over the boat" and 2) "You can't be saved by what it was, you can only be saved by what it is" If anyone is reading this in pain or stuck trying to move forward, I encourage you to look for it online.
All the best to each of you...
-B
Well she contacted me last night...by phone, in her car heading home from work. Said she wanted to end us. I said ok, I respect. I said I wish you all the best in the future, I love you...and she replied "I love you too". WHAT? I had to say if you love me then why are we ending. I don't recall the particulars from there, but suffice it to say she wasn't feeling it and as it went the thought occurred to me that if she truly loved me, she would not be letting me go. Once that thought crossed my mind, I let go and we ended the call.
Sorry to hear B. The proverbial actions of words. You handled it well. All you can do is move forward. I think dating is difficult now because most people not understand they don't need anyone so it is easier to move on when you hit a rough patch.
Onward and upward.
Thanks LH...
Yeah...she talked a good game when we started of grass is greener where you water it, putting in the work. Work/life balance for her was an issue initially, but something we continually talked through. Ultimately she did not want to sacrifice or compromise or work to maintain the relationship. She valued doing what she wanted to do above all else. Once that's establish then it is what it is and I have to let her go.
GAL, focusing on me and D. Open to the future. Once you learn the lessons here, you don't forget them and that's a blessing.
I know this was a pandemic-influenced situation. But in the future - please, no introducing dates to your daughter until you are sure it is going to be a serious thing - 6 months MINIMUM - and definitely no living together until you are in a relationship that is long-term committed (and have been together AT LEAST a year). Your daughter does not need to go through getting attached and then abandoned by your dates. And it takes that long, at a bare minimum, to get to know a person well enough to involve your child.