Post D update - 10/17/19 07:26 PM
link to old thread https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2859226&page=1
Howdy folks. It's been a little bit. I haven't been keeping up with things here for a while now. Perhaps it is a sign of moving on, perhaps it is a need to step away from the numbing regularity of the newbie stories, perhaps it is simply a sign of my own business.
In a strange twist to my story I realized in early August that my D actually hadn't gone through - what had arrived in May was not my decree but rather a request for a missing form. That was an unexpected and unwelcome surprise, to say the least. I actually discovered it while cleaning up around the house prior to a date coming over. Thankfully, it ended up being easily resolved and (I double checked!) all the paperwork went through and it became official a few weeks later.
After returning from summer trips to Alaska and Puerto Rico, I continued to date a lot, though without much success. I quickly fell for the wit and charm of one woman only to be relegated to the friend zone, while another became quite enamored of me and I battled indecision until ending it. I met a very cool young woman on one of my group bike rides, invited her to come climbing at the gym with me, and then mustered the stones to ask her out on a date.She told me she had a boyfriend! D'oh! There were lots of first dates, some good, some bad, some with great conversation, others that were clear wastes of time. Most recently I was seeing a woman a decade younger who revealed on the first date that she was still married, but separated. Later she revealed that she still lived with her ex. Later still it came out that he was (permanently?) in a wheelchair, and had been as long as they had been together (7 years).
That last experience capped a tumultuous 11 months of dating, and gave me pause. It didn't seem like I was attracting the right kind of people. I am quite skeptical of "The Secret" type New-Age mumbo-jumbo, but there seemed to be a kernel of truth in the axiom that you attract the same kind of energy that you put out, and that scared me. I also realized that dating had taken over a quite large part of my life. On one hand, that makes sense, because forming a family is an important goal in my life, but it felt out of balance.
So, I decided to take a moratorium from dating, erased all the apps from my phone, and made an internal pledge not to look at them for a month. So, October has been that gap month. It is a chance to focus on myself, to strengthen friendships, and to enjoy the other aspects of life.
Unfortunately it got off to a rough start. In September I had a biking accident that left me unable to walk without crutches for 4 days, a misdiagnosis of a fracture in my ankle, and eventually a bad bone bruise which limited my activity for a few weeks. That was followed by a bout of tendonitis in my elbow which left me unable to climb for another two weeks. Between the injuries, the dating failures, and probably some amount of doom and gloom due to an impending birthday, I fell into a pretty bad depressive episode. For two weeks, it was a struggle to motivate myself to do anything. It felt like my mind was on a one-way railroad track down a dark tunnel. I forced myself to go out on group bike rides, but literally rode alone trailing the back of the group because I couldn't handle talking to anyone. I even went on what should have been a spectacular white-water rafting trip in West Virginia with an old hs friend. We camped for two nights, shot the [censored], rafted all day, hiked in a beautiful gorge. But I still couldn't shake the dark cloud. I went weeks without speaking to family. My house became a disaster area, and I battled simply to tread water at work. I nearly wrote on here, but quite frankly the idea of receiving 2x4s was really disheartening. I know how privileged my life is and has been, and how common and insignificant my problems are in the scheme of things, but none of that made my depression any less real, any less crippling.
My friend on the rafting/camping trip had just lost out in the final round for an extremely lucrative job opportunity that is unlikely to present itself again, and had been battling his own issues. He recommended a podcast "The Happiness Lab" by a Yale psychology professor. I listened to a few episodes and was relatively unimpressed, but there was one episode which spoke to me - about the psychological need to socialize, to share moments and connect with other people. Ultimately, I think that is what helped me emerge from the fog of depression. I was feeling better and could finally start climbing at the gym again. For me, that is an intensely social activity. Not only do I have friends who I often see there, but almost every time I end up talking with someone new about a problem (a route in climbing parlance) or best beta (strategy) for attacking the wall. Even though I ran into my ex two consecutive sessions at the gym, it was like spinach for my soul. Perhaps it is also because I can see the progress in my climbing. Despite missing 3 out 4 weeks due to injuries I have been climbing better than ever, topping a number of v6 routes which is far from normal. In fact, for my birthday in early November, rather than planning a party or a night at a bar, I'm trying to put together a trip out to the mountains to climb for the day.
I'm once again starting my days with a quick reflection of gratitude for all the positives in my life, and I'm finding joy and fun in many of my interactions at school. My yoga practice has been a rock for me throughout all of this, and I have kept that as a necessity for my self-care. Since I am not dating I am finding it easier to get more sleep, to eat healthier, and to limit my consumption of alcohol to weekends.
I don't know that this is the rosy picture that so many others paint in their updates. Nor is it a cry for help. I am okay with the fact that I'm going to have ups and downs along the way in this process, and I think it is important to acknowledge that. I appreciate all the support that I have received on these boards over the years, and hopefully someone can get something out of my story to help them along their way.
Howdy folks. It's been a little bit. I haven't been keeping up with things here for a while now. Perhaps it is a sign of moving on, perhaps it is a need to step away from the numbing regularity of the newbie stories, perhaps it is simply a sign of my own business.
In a strange twist to my story I realized in early August that my D actually hadn't gone through - what had arrived in May was not my decree but rather a request for a missing form. That was an unexpected and unwelcome surprise, to say the least. I actually discovered it while cleaning up around the house prior to a date coming over. Thankfully, it ended up being easily resolved and (I double checked!) all the paperwork went through and it became official a few weeks later.
After returning from summer trips to Alaska and Puerto Rico, I continued to date a lot, though without much success. I quickly fell for the wit and charm of one woman only to be relegated to the friend zone, while another became quite enamored of me and I battled indecision until ending it. I met a very cool young woman on one of my group bike rides, invited her to come climbing at the gym with me, and then mustered the stones to ask her out on a date.She told me she had a boyfriend! D'oh! There were lots of first dates, some good, some bad, some with great conversation, others that were clear wastes of time. Most recently I was seeing a woman a decade younger who revealed on the first date that she was still married, but separated. Later she revealed that she still lived with her ex. Later still it came out that he was (permanently?) in a wheelchair, and had been as long as they had been together (7 years).
That last experience capped a tumultuous 11 months of dating, and gave me pause. It didn't seem like I was attracting the right kind of people. I am quite skeptical of "The Secret" type New-Age mumbo-jumbo, but there seemed to be a kernel of truth in the axiom that you attract the same kind of energy that you put out, and that scared me. I also realized that dating had taken over a quite large part of my life. On one hand, that makes sense, because forming a family is an important goal in my life, but it felt out of balance.
So, I decided to take a moratorium from dating, erased all the apps from my phone, and made an internal pledge not to look at them for a month. So, October has been that gap month. It is a chance to focus on myself, to strengthen friendships, and to enjoy the other aspects of life.
Unfortunately it got off to a rough start. In September I had a biking accident that left me unable to walk without crutches for 4 days, a misdiagnosis of a fracture in my ankle, and eventually a bad bone bruise which limited my activity for a few weeks. That was followed by a bout of tendonitis in my elbow which left me unable to climb for another two weeks. Between the injuries, the dating failures, and probably some amount of doom and gloom due to an impending birthday, I fell into a pretty bad depressive episode. For two weeks, it was a struggle to motivate myself to do anything. It felt like my mind was on a one-way railroad track down a dark tunnel. I forced myself to go out on group bike rides, but literally rode alone trailing the back of the group because I couldn't handle talking to anyone. I even went on what should have been a spectacular white-water rafting trip in West Virginia with an old hs friend. We camped for two nights, shot the [censored], rafted all day, hiked in a beautiful gorge. But I still couldn't shake the dark cloud. I went weeks without speaking to family. My house became a disaster area, and I battled simply to tread water at work. I nearly wrote on here, but quite frankly the idea of receiving 2x4s was really disheartening. I know how privileged my life is and has been, and how common and insignificant my problems are in the scheme of things, but none of that made my depression any less real, any less crippling.
My friend on the rafting/camping trip had just lost out in the final round for an extremely lucrative job opportunity that is unlikely to present itself again, and had been battling his own issues. He recommended a podcast "The Happiness Lab" by a Yale psychology professor. I listened to a few episodes and was relatively unimpressed, but there was one episode which spoke to me - about the psychological need to socialize, to share moments and connect with other people. Ultimately, I think that is what helped me emerge from the fog of depression. I was feeling better and could finally start climbing at the gym again. For me, that is an intensely social activity. Not only do I have friends who I often see there, but almost every time I end up talking with someone new about a problem (a route in climbing parlance) or best beta (strategy) for attacking the wall. Even though I ran into my ex two consecutive sessions at the gym, it was like spinach for my soul. Perhaps it is also because I can see the progress in my climbing. Despite missing 3 out 4 weeks due to injuries I have been climbing better than ever, topping a number of v6 routes which is far from normal. In fact, for my birthday in early November, rather than planning a party or a night at a bar, I'm trying to put together a trip out to the mountains to climb for the day.
I'm once again starting my days with a quick reflection of gratitude for all the positives in my life, and I'm finding joy and fun in many of my interactions at school. My yoga practice has been a rock for me throughout all of this, and I have kept that as a necessity for my self-care. Since I am not dating I am finding it easier to get more sleep, to eat healthier, and to limit my consumption of alcohol to weekends.
I don't know that this is the rosy picture that so many others paint in their updates. Nor is it a cry for help. I am okay with the fact that I'm going to have ups and downs along the way in this process, and I think it is important to acknowledge that. I appreciate all the support that I have received on these boards over the years, and hopefully someone can get something out of my story to help them along their way.