These boots - DivorceBusting.com

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My heavens. The themes have certainly been scattered around in the last while. I think I blew through that last thread in a record time here - even for me.

One song and concept that resonated with me, and got me into a heck of a lot of conflict here back in the day is the idea of "The Man In The Mirror". My philosophy is that as long as I am proud of the man I see in the mirror every morning, nothing else really matters. While I do appreciate the skill of MJ - I do admit that I'm not a huge fan. But I listened to that song a "lot" during some very dark days.

I'm not a believer in the concept of "Alpha" nor of the "Nice Guy Syndrome" nor any more of strategies or playing games. All concepts that get bandied around here quite a bit as ways to "bust" what has already been broken beyond repair. I am though a great believer in being true to core values and a sense of self regardless of any outside influences. It has in the past, and will in the future cause me grief. But always always always, I will hold my head up high.

Originally when I started collecting the various fibers that are woven together as thread, this thread was to be called "Man in the mirror" - but there is something that has sustained me far more. A quote by a favourite character by a favourite author. I've referenced it here many many times.

This thread also can be a reference to my upcoming travels. Where I expect to learn a lot about the world and myself. And the importance of a good pair of boots.

Originally Posted by Terry Pratchett

�Granny Weatherwax looked out at the multi-layered, silvery world.

�Where am I?�

INSIDE THE MIRROR.

�Am I dead?�

THE ANSWER TO THAT, said Death, IS SOMEWHERE BETWEEN NO AND YES.

Esme turned, and a billion figures turned with her.

�When can I get out?�

WHEN YOU FIND THE ONE THAT�S REAL.

�Is this a trick question?�

NO.

Granny looked down at herself.

�This one,� she said.�

To recap - because not everything is in my signature any more:

Quote

Boy meets girl. Gets married. Babies. Aliens, explosions and exposition.

Intermission.

Man meets woman. They have coffee. They bump uglies. They part ways in an honest and adult fashion.

Intermission. Tea and cakes. Paella and Tapas. No tacos.

Time to return to the basics I think.

Originally Posted by Inego Montoya

"Let me explain... No, there is too much. Let me sum up."

I am also not a game player and true to my beliefs and I conduct myself as I feel reflect that. But juju made a really good point on my thread. It�s okay to be me, the giver, but just not give away so much all the time until I can make sure I am giving to the right person. To hold back a little isn�t not being my true self, but being smart. Not to play a game to get a guy to come to me, but I can see what they have to offer me. To make sure i am not giving away to a complete taker. I would do it for me, to protect myself.

When M�s mom�s house burned and his dog died I wouldn�t be true to myself if I didn�t reach out. I had to do that tied to expectations. I did for the most part I believe.i didn�t go overboard, I kept it neutral. And he thanked me eventually and let me know they were okay and had somewhere to stay. That was it. Now he�s gone taking care of his own business.

So tell me, A, what qualities would your ideal partner possess? Not for perfection, but someone that would make a good fit and partner for you?

Mine would be a man who has morals and wants to spend time with me freely. Who is a good parent, family oriented, a good parent and is gainfully employed with motivation and good life balance. Someone who would do something with me because they know I enjoy it, even if they don�t have much interest. someone who protects my heart and doesn�t take me for granted.

I am in the be true to your core camp, but also keep it brief.

Maybe I'm the only female who feels this way but mushy sentimental notes from exes is a REAL turnoff and, to me, would underscore that the breakup was a good idea. I wouldn't read it and think I've made a mistake, just the opposite.

You asked me to weigh in with an "Italian" viewpoint:

Originally Posted by AndrewP

She is I believe off with her sisters for a few days. My friend and I can't help but wonder if her family and friends are also doing the WTF thing with her too. Being fundamentally Scots / German in my outlook, the practical things make sense. Perhaps bttrfly can give her Italian perspective wink I do know that B's 91 year old mother was very happy with me, saw how good I was with the GK, how I obviously adored B, how B was respected and could live her own life without the controlling nature and related guilt of her STBX, and yes - had a big house that B could move her stuff in to out of her mother's tiny place.

I don't really know how to respond to that. Italy wasn't unified until a very, relatively speaking, short time ago. Northern Italians are vastly different from Southern, and Sicilians are a whole other deal entirely. A long way of saying I don't know what an Italian perspective would be. My thought is stop trying to mind read. You won't get it right and will waste a lot of time better spent focusing on your trip and your own happiness.

Here's another thought: What do YOU think? Do YOU want to spend this much time and energy on someone who would leave, especially so abruptly, and, more to the point, treat you the way she did once she moved in? I am the Queen of having a hard time letting go, so believe me, I get where you're coming from. Been there, sold the tshirt at the merch stand to other visitors. But Andrew, life is short. Way, way, way too short. If you're trying to analyze it to pieces to get her back, she isn't coming back. If you're trying to analyze it to pieces so you don't find yourself in a similar position next time then analyze YOUR side of the street only, because you can only change yourself.

Here's my final Italian thought: go listen to Frank Sinatra's version of Cole Porter's "Just One of Those Things".

Thanks all. I'm not really in a place to be making lists just now. The only primary item that I have is that whatever partner I am involved with needs to have a kind heart.

Originally Posted by bttrfly

You asked me to weigh in with an "Italian" viewpoint:

Her family is originally from the north east around Padua I believe.

I know it doesn't matter what other people think. The choice was made by B. I also know that the odds are incredibly high that she won't be swayed or inclined to get back together any time soon if at all and I need to live my life "as if" - because "it is".

I had been tempted yesterday to let B know that D27 has arrived safely in San Diego - but D27 wasn't someone she ever engaged with so I didn't (proud of myself for that). I am also proud of D27 and her bestie for getting themselves, the two fur babies and a car full of possessions across the country. I'm also glad that the trip was without any issues with weather which was a real concern given the time of the year. The pictures I saw indicated sunshine the whole way across. Hopefully my son-in-law's ship will soon be repositioned there too but that is probably some time away. Looking at the calendar it's coming up soon for her to come up for a visit for Thanksgiving - the weekend of October 12th.

Where has the year gone. It certainly has been a blur and I've not accomplished too much on a practical perspective. I think I've grown as a person though so that's good. I changed over the screen window on the side porch door to the glass one yesterday. Autumn will be here before I know it. My next door neighbour stopped by yesterday and said that they were interested in buying my car for the $1000 asking price - conditional on mechanic inspection. It's going to their grand-daughter as her first car. Sheesh. It seems like only yesterday that I remember her in diapers. Where does the time go.

I have my birthday note to B composed. It is very brief, light and cheerful wishing her joy and peace in the year to come. There is no sadness. No "hope to hear from you". It may well be the last thing that I send to her.

On with my day. I'm standing in my own slightly scuffed shoes on my own two feet without additional support. At the sales office today so not the safety shoes.

Thanks again all.

I glad our daughter, friend and fur babies arrived safely in San Diego. She will enjoy living in San Diego. A new place for you to visit in the future.

They say that the older we get, the quicker time flies. I think you've accomplished quite a bit this year. You still have a few things on your list to do, but they can carry over into the winter months since the weather isn't so great outdoors.

Keeping the birthday wishes short and sweet is the way to go. You do not want to send anything mushy or remind her of what B has left behind. I know that you miss her, but it's time to turn your focus on to you, your trip and your daughter's visit in October.

Try to enjoy your day!

Glad D is safely on the West coast with pets, friend and possessions. Agree with Job, nice place to visit!

I think you've accomplished more than you realize, but won't see that for a little bit longer. Come back to the yearly review in late December.

Congrats on the car sale! I think brief, light and cheerful is best. Good job Andrew!!!

xoxo

Glad D arrived safely at her destination. You can rest a little easier now, dad.

Happy Saturday all!

Well - the things I was going to post about - food and metaphysical events related in part - have been over-run by other news.

Late last night - B blocked me on Facebook which was a bit of a surprise. I was pleased by my reaction which was more or less and still is a "whatev's". Since speculating and mind-reading is no end of fun, let's have a whack at it

Unfriending is easy. Blocking takes an effort. If it was just that she didn't want to see my feed with random posts about being single, reposting things supporting local small businesses etc all she had to do was stop following. I do know that she had been looking at the "story" that I've been posting. I've also not been interacting with her feed to speak of because there's really nothing much of interest there. The last post I did see was of a very cute little paddle boat and her commenting that it would be nice to get something like that for her birthday.

I suspect that the odds are really high that she's going to get back together with her STBX. Personally I think that this is a bad idea because the man had multiple affairs, told her that he felt entitled to have two women at once, and was generally an unpleasant person to live with because of his depression. In an effort to "untangle the skein" I did look back and right after she was up to visit him she posted two relationship memes - an incredibly unusual thing for her - that talked about how people don't change and how people who don't respect you shouldn't be in your life. Then - again unusual because she rarely posts anything personal - a few days before she decided to leave she posted a short video clip of her and her family out on the pontoon boat that she loved so much.

Ah well. I honestly don't have any hard feelings about her. I'm treating the whole thing as a positive experience. I am attractive to at least this one woman. I believe that she did love me. I made her happy. It turns out that I can be pretty good in bed given an appropriate partner which is more than a surprise to me. That's the reality that I'm keeping. It's mine and nothing can take it away.

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So this is the metaphysical part. On Thursday while driving home from work, there in the sky - and this is no word of a lie - was a 3 letter word. Clear as day it said GOD. I got a picture of it when the O was almost gone and the G was distorted. It could of also said COD

It was big, fluffy, fairly low and didn't appear to be any sort of sky-writing. It went from very clear to read to completely gone inside of a minute and a half. It wasn't very high up - certainly not around where the other few clouds were. No small planes or even drones appeared to be nearby. Perhaps it was some sort of skywriting? There is an alfalfa dehydrating plant within a kilometer so it could have been steam emitted from there. Anyhoo - very very freaky. I'm glad I got a picture of it otherwise even I wouldn't have believed it. It did remind me of the old Bloom County comic strip where the scientist Oliver has difficulty with lights in the sky.

On the way home I needed gas so drove around some construction and a few detours to get to the gas station I usually go to. With all the construction they don't get much business so a bit of extra effort on my part to support the local economy is a good thing. When I got there I was pleased to see my former next door neighbour who was recently evicted so that the landlord could move her son in. She said she's doing OK although she and her husband have moved in with their son for now. She was thrilled that I remembered her grand-daughter - a cute kid who perhaps is a touch of special needs who would always come running over when she saw me to tell me that her name was Brooklyn and asking what my name was. While I was there I bought some lottery tickets which is unusual for me since B left (it was a "thing" for her) and was asked if I would be interested in making a donation to I think the Make A Wish Foundation. I did and was surprised when she told me that one of her grand-daughters was in the hospital fighting cancer and that she was being supported by this charity.

Whether my lottery tickets pay off or not - the odds are pretty close to 0 of course - I felt good that I was able to chat with a former neighbour who I liked and helped make her day a bit.

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I've been on two online dating sites browsing around in hidden mode and seeing a lot of familiar faces. One is a lady who is the next town over. A teacher who has been on there for a while. Her profile smacks a bit of desperation IMO and all her photos are heavily air-brushed. She's 51 I think. Well on Thursday as well when I was home, I was checking social media and in the "people you may know" up popped a certain air-brushed profile picture. She has the same last name as a neighbour of mine and is connected socially to one or two mutual friends. I didn't bother trying to connect - but my heavens (pun intended) - is someone dropping bricks from the sky on my head to get my attention about something?

The plan is still to hold to my deal with Ginger and not date until I get back from Madrid. TBH - I don't have time. That is now 2 weeks away. When I get back I have a wedding to attend that coming weekend and then Thanksgiving is coming up on October 14th. It may actually be after that before I can clear enough calendar time.

I do think that I'm recovering nicely from my time with B. Treating it as a positive that is behind me is I think a healthy way for me to look at it.

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I'm a bit disturbed about a neighbour of mine who is also S25's closest friend. He's in his early 30s I think and hosts the local poker game. He has no visible means of livelihood but I think lives off his mother who owns the pub a couple of doors down - certainly not a good role model for S25 in many ways. A decent enough guy and I am socially pleasant to him. As an aside he also suffers "very" badly from psoriasis and it's actually rather unpleasant to look at. He's been having trouble getting / keeping a girlfriend as you might imagine. He tried to date 20-something and she mentioned the other day that she "really" doesn't like him. So - he's done the OLD thing with poor success but has been chatting online with a lady in Thailand for the last year or so. In a month or so he's off to there with some buddies - including the 40+ year old neighbour who I mentioned in a previous post about seeming disconnected from his family - presumably to gather up his bride and bring her home. This can go wrong in so very very many ways. Fortunately S25 - who was pushed to go along is both broke and has no passport so he's not going.

Not my circus but I do appear to have a front row seat and a big bag of popcorn. I do hope that things go as this guy expects and hopes - but still...

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Busy long weekend foreseen. I'm going to treat this as the "first weekend of the month" and do my big clean but with 3 days not having to rush as much. I hope to give the floors a good scrubbing as well as the weather should be good to get some nice cross-breezes through the house.

In checking out the sloop, she does need a new suit of sails and that is something I have to do when the weather is fairly nice as they are large enough that they need to be laid out on the lawn for measuring. I have to dig up the drawings. If anyone is interested, she's a Stevenson Projects Weekender. Nice people. I may not get much more done on her although giving her a good clean is really the first priority. Too bad I don't have a power washer

. There is a fair amount of patching here and there to be done but there is no dangerous rot that I've found. I must have done a fairly good job of building her and keeping her safe.

I have a nice roast of beef out for Sunday supper. Going to make a gravy - my way

and lots of mashed potatoes. I might also make beer bread. The surplus mashed potatoes will become potato pancakes on Monday morning.

It's weird how the grocery list has now just shrunk so dramatically. I'm getting out of the store for under $100. There's still a certain amount of food that B liked that we stocked up on to be eaten down.

Well - time to get to it I think. Amy has given up trying to paw at the screen - annoying when it's a touch screen.

Have a great long weekend all and feel free to speculate about my encounter with the metaphysical.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

Late last night - B blocked me on Facebook which was a bit of a surprise. I was pleased by my reaction which was more or less and still is a "whatev's". Since speculating and mind-reading is no end of fun, let's have a whack at it

clearly she's ready to be more open about her life and doesn't want you to see it or she's just done and not looking back at all.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

I suspect that the odds are really high that she's going to get back together with her STBX.

I think you're right.

Taking a break from cleaning. The dusting, vacuuming and much of the sweeping is done. I scrubbed the porcelain, flipped the mattress and did a full change of linens yesterday.

A man's work is never done.

It's not quite a roller coaster but there are certainly ups and downs. Downs this morning. Got woken up by SIL1 inviting me out for breakfast again. I declined politely - I didn't want to rush around and didn't feel like company. As time passes I'm not really missing B as much. She never really was around on weekends anyway. As several people have pointed out, I'm missing having someone around more than B herself. She said that she knew that she had a lot of work to do on herself - hopefully she is doing that and not trying to reconcile with her ex. One of the complications if she did do that is that would move her 5 or 6 hours away from her S38 and the grandkids which won't be good. Funny - I also miss having the GK around. They could be annoying little sods but they were loving and I think "really" liked coming to "Nona's house", playing in the big yard, the big house where they could run around and yell and having access to actual TV shows.

I pushed myself this morning to get cleaned up and go out for my traditional bowl of soup at the cafe. One of the ladies who works there from time to time was a friend my ex made just pre-bomb-day. She'd thought we would get along but then we were never introduced. I suppose my ex might have been thinking that it would be better to skip the whole "where's Andrew" thing when she started bringing OM around. No clue on that. She certainly knew who I was when I saw her there for the first time a year or so ago and has always been friendly.

At the cafe I was surprised and pleased to see "stalker lady", three of her kids, her brand new grandson, her dad and one of her daughter's boyfriends. She was quite chatty and happy to see me and remarked that she was completely unsurprised to see me at my usual routine spot and time. The grand-son is about a month old and a little cutie. He was sleeping so I didn't ask to hold him.

SL did ask about my upcoming trip to Madrid and who I was going with. I was a bit startled and remarked that S25 doesn't have his passport and I wouldn't want to go with him anyway as that would be too supervised. I think it was in some ways a "subtle" check to see if I am indeed single. Certainly I never bothered mentioning that B wouldn't have been interested in going.

There was a bit of joking banter where I remarked that if wasn't for the cafe that I'd starve to death and SL countered that she sees quite a bit of food that I make on my Instagram feed. I mentioned tonight's menu (Roast of beef, steamed cauliflower, mashed potatoes) and joked that I wished that I had more people to feed. SL asked if I had room for 6 more

I think she was impressed by the menu but that's just the usual sort of Sunday thing here. I may have to get out of S25 if there are any actual reasons why I'm not allowed to date her. Previously I only got a vague comment about the fact that she has 5 kids. I think only 2 of them live at home now with one being fairly young.

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I find that when I'm down that baking helps so I made a far too big batch of cookies yesterday. Fortunately I have enough tins for them. If anyone happens to be stopping by I'd be happy to share.

I feel like laying down and having a nap but in some ways I don't know how to stop going. Really - I to find that since my separation that I am in continuous motion. There's always something to get done around here. And there's nobody else to do it. In many ways that's good I think. The house is certainly in waaay better condition than it was when I was married. I still remember my son-in-law asking to borrow cleaning supplies before using the downstairs bathroom. Yes - it was that bad. And I wasn't allowed to clean as my ex felt that was her responsibility.

My ex was out with OM and friends yesterday I was told and was sent a picture of her posed with the "wives". She is certainly the youngest of the crowd by a fairly large amount. It didn't actually bother me all that much to see it.

Well - break's over. Time to move all the stuff out of the kitchen and both bathrooms and give the floors a good wash.
I'm going to do the ironing tomorrow I think and maybe do a short hike in one of the local nature areas. It's nice at this time of the year that there is little yard work to do.

DID YOU BUY COD?????

Originally Posted by kml

DID YOU BUY COD?????

It was a celestial shopping list to remind me to make fish tacos??? I did buy some loaves on Saturday. (with apologies to people of Faith out there)

I do have some salmon and some wraps. Menu is already set for tonight though. And actually I have no idea on how to make fish tacos or I suppose a burrito since I have wraps.

Floors scrubbed. It takes a lot of work. I recall after my ex finally left telling D27 about scrubbing the floors and getting literally buckets of mud off them. She did wash them from time to time but never really put a lot of effort in to it. I - ahem - "perhaps" over-compensate. I justify it because I do only wash the floors a couple of times a year. But I pull everything out, scrub with a mop and then go over the wet floor with rags. They are certainly "very" clean when I'm done with them.

Funny story. My oldest brother who is retired from his job as a nuclear plant operator has I have been told a tendency to clean when he's had too much to drink. Like me, he gets down on hands and knees and scrubs. I actually have an article written about my great-grandmother where she complains that one of the things that age had done to her was that her knees no longer supported her scrubbing.

Mind you - I was generally accepting of my ex-wife's housekeeping. I have particular standards that I apply to myself and not to others.

I think I need to moisturize my hands now though. I should perhaps have worn gloves. B liked Mr Clean as a cleaning product so that's what I used today. It seems to do a decent job.

Soon time to make gravy, cheese sauce, mashed potatoes etc. The roast smells pretty good and is almost to temperature. Let me know if you are coming kml and I'll set out another plate or two.

On vacation, tonight CMM took me out to theStinking Rosefordinner, a restaurant devoted to garlic. Pretty sure we ate enough garlic to cure anything that ails us!

Originally Posted by kml

On vacation, tonight CMM took me out to the Stinking Rose for dinner, a restaurant devoted to garlic. Pretty sure we ate enough garlic to cure anything that ails us!

My grandfather was also sure that garlic was good for whatever ail he might have - and he didn't even speak French

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Well - that's a wrap. I texted B the Happy Birthday this morning that I composed a few days ago. A few hours later I got a friendly - but not overly friendly response. I was going to post the correspondence here but it's not relevant although I may copy it in to my diary. I've deleted all the messenger messages and texts. I will probably leave her in my contacts list. I don't have any urge to message her but if she sends me a message it would be good to know right away that it's her.

Suffice it to say that I was true to myself. The tone of my message certainly indicated that I believed that the relationship is permanently over and I wished her a very happy birthday and that the new year will be good for her. And I added a PS that I had found her snow brush and told her where it was if she wanted to pick it up.

Her response was cheerful, wishing me well in turn, and letting me know that she usually gets a new snow brush every winter and that I can keep that one as a spare. 9 exclamation marks. Hugs but no pet names.

So that's how a relationship can end. Without anger, with a certain amount of sadness, with fond memories of good times. The not quite so good times have pretty much all faded from memory.

The other day I was looking through the digital pictures I have saved for 2019. Nearly 1/2 of them have B and / or the grand-kids in them. B sent me a "lot" of pictures whenever we weren't together. A lot of them were group shots of her with her sisters or friends. She has such an amazing smile. I'm going to choose to keep those. If some new partner ever stumbles across them, I certainly won't have any issue explaining. Just like the pictures I have of 26 years with my ex. There were a lot of good times there too. Of those, I did delete the ones that were just my ex-wife's family and also the pictures from that fateful trip to Mexico where she finally got the courage to tell me she was leaving me, but not enough courage to own up to why. Some memories are appropriate to bury.

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I'm achy from all the scrubbing yesterday. I may have a good soak in the tub with a fresh pot of tea and a good book after I catch up here. This morning's potato pancakes were delish. I added in the left-over cheese sauce to the mashed potatoes and eggs which turned out well and used up leftovers. I have enough mashed potatoes to make up another batch on Wednesday morning.

I did pass on the "hello" from SL's daughter to S25 and chatted briefly about that family. S25 seems to have no opinions on them as a family and seemed pleased about the "hello". Not sure if I will reach out to her after I get back from my trip or not. I do expect that she would be open to that.

I dread the idea of starting to date again. Finding some semi-random stranger with unknown baggage and trying to make a relationship work. As long as I feel that way, I'm certainly not ready to date.

Onward. To the future. Finish up this morning's diary and then off to the tub.

Ah, but the kicker is you discover the baggage and you decide if you can make it work. That�s called dating. You don�t HAVE to make the relationship work. The key is not to go all serious deep and just date to see if there is a relationship you want to make work, given the baggage . You have choices. It�s not like you knocking a woman up and making it work for the sake of the baby. You aren�t entering into any arranged marriages.

I truly hope you took from your experience to date before shaking up. Learn the person before you decide to make it serious. That�s what dating is for!

You know, I don't regret the choices that I made in this past relationship. Moving B in after only a few months made sense for reasons at the time that still make sense. It's like the old saying - you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. And there were some very good practical reasons why it made sense for her to move from her mold infested apartment in to here.

I thought B would adapt. She just plain wasn't ready. I was too eager to have someone in my life. I've learned from this. I think that she has as well. And the GK got a safe and stable place that they wouldn't have had otherwise. And both B and I are - I presume - choosing to treat this as a positive experience.

I learned that I can have a relationship and love again even if it wasn't with the intensity that I had before. I learned that I can let that relationship go. I'm not sure what B learned but she certainly will remember that she was truly loved and that there are men out there who aren't just interested in sex. Who are patient and kind. Who treat her with respect and not as an "appliance".

There's a quote mis-attributed to Albert Einstein - "If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research".

The next relationship I go in to will be informed by what I've learned here. It may or may not be a "forever" one.

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Well - break time. I got my soak in the tub done - I think I need to re-invest in bath salts. My ironing is done and airing out and I also got my work shop and tool box tidied for perhaps the first time since the spring. There was a bird feeder I started last fall that never got done.

I need to decide what to have for dinner. Stir fry is getting to the top of the list. Back to the plant again tomorrow. Less than 2 weeks before Madrid.

Sorry. I hit a nerve. I�m glad you had good experience and did what you and to do. You were just describing it as the only way to do it. You don�t have to carry someone�s baggage. You can take the time to find out if it�s a load you want/can carry in the future. That�s all.

Not to worry Ginger. I appreciate you making me rethink my motivations.

Happy Wednesday all from an overcast and cool Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan.

Originally Posted by I Know, I Need To Stop Talking

Pooh was shaking his head and had tears in his eyes as he came into Piglet's house that day.

"What's up, old pal?" Piglet asked in concern, as Pooh sank down into a chair.

"I don't understand," said Pooh. "I don't understand how, when you love someone so much, that sometimes you're expected to let them go. Even when it's a good type of letting go, when you're letting them go for the best possible reason...I don't understand. Why do we have to let go?" And a solitary tear rolled down his cheek. "It's just too hard, Piglet. Letting go is just too hard, and it hurts SO much."

For a time there was silence, and then Piglet spoke.

"Yes," he agreed. "Yes, it is. And yes, it does."

Pooh looked at his friend in surprise. "That's it?" he asked. "Isn't this the point that you usually have some sage words of advice for me?"

Piglet nodded. "Usually, yes. But all I have to say this time...is that you're right. Letting go of those we love - even when it's for the best possible reasons, when the whole reason we're letting go, is to enable them to fly... is one of the hardest things we will ever do."

"I feel like a little part of my heart is missing right now," said Pooh.

"Yes," said Piglet. "I know. I know."

So - I'm probably 90% sure that B has decided to reconcile with her H. Looking back she was up to see him the weekend before she decided to leave. She commented on how he had really gone out of his way to accomodate her and she seemed to have a lot on her mind after that. He's always I think regretted that she left but not enough to stop his affair. Seeing her get a guy and an at least outwardly seeming comfortable future may have pushed him to realize what he was throwing away. Despite the many things she didn't like about living "up north" there is a massive amount of things that she misses. Especially "her house". On the other hand my history of being able to predict either women or the future has a very poor track record. And she's a smart enough gal that if she does choose to reconcile it will be done rather tentatively. I think she's got a good sense of self-worth and remembers clearly the cr@p she went through for very many years - probably close to the last 10 anyway of a 22 year marriage.

If she does reconcile, knowing what I do, money will be tight. Trust will be fragile - perhaps in both directions. I wish her well. If she doesn't reconcile, she'll need to get her own boots underneath her, adjust her vision of lifestyle and future and get on with it.

Those here who have followed stories of reconciliation know what a bumpy road it can be. And I'm positive that her H hasn't made any fundamental changes in attitude beyond knowing that he has lots to make up for and how big of a hole her leaving made in his life.

In the time since B's left I've found out a lot more about her S38 and what I've found out is rather disturbing. More than enough for me to be glad that I'm not part of any of it and to worry about B not being able to extricate herself. I also worry about the GK. They were doing so well when I last saw them. They finally had some stability in their lives.

I have urges to check on B to make sure she's ok. I've not acted on them. She's a big girl. She has a support network even if the part involving her immediate family is rather burned out. I don't know whether she is naive or just accustomed to having people "do for her" or not but the fact that friends and family have been so very accommodating is while good in many ways, there's no way that it will go on indefinitely.

I am sure that it is doubtful she'll reach out to me any time soon. I expect her to eventually and to keep tabs on me. There was one guy she dated a few times who I think was full of tales that got him past 3rd base - an occasion that B told me was very unpleasant. She was showing me though how she was still creeping on what he's up to in this case the sale of his mother's house which I think was one of the promises of having disposable cash. I'm not sure when / if she'll unblock me but expect that to happen eventually so she can look at where I am. I hopefully will be fully over her, as much as I ever will be. I do care about her and worry about her. But I also knew going in to the relationship that her problems were not mine to fix.

For me, I'm certainly not ready to date. I still dread the idea of putting myself out there. The fear of making another mistake is a very real thing. I know me and I know where I'm vulnerable. I think I'm less vulnerable to the "damsel in distress" that I was a year ago. I am vulnerable to certain varieties of love-bombing though. Most specifically to a woman who has a very clear vision of where I fit in her life - like CL for example who I think is no longer an option. Or my ex-wife who from the day we met stamped me as her property. My brothers are similar. We all were / are married to strong willed women who in many ways "wear the pants". I joke with friends that "the rider may have fallen off but the old horse still knows how to trot".

With regards to my ex-wife I am moderately confident that I'm not vulnerable to her. From the little I know, she is a deeply unhappy woman but is still sticking it out with OM. Perhaps she's doing similar analysis to B as to what her options are that provide the things that are important to her.

I was browsing what was available on the Facebook dating app. While I was clicking I suddenly got a "like" and a connect request with nothing more than basic information up. Not Ready! Some scrambling later I deleted the profile. It certainly is something that may be worth investigating at the right time.

I do really miss having someone "there". Even though it was difficult for me to get a word in edgewise, having B around to talk to was a lot better than just the cats. There was an article the other day on a relationship blog that I follow where the author said "Failure is always an option". This resonated with me. I generally have no problems with failure in my professional life and the bulk of my personal life. Anyone who has ever checked out my instagram feed of failed baking would know that. It's a balance though. Having a mug cake that doesn't turn out is a lot different than emotionally investing in someone only having to recognize that it just isn't going to work.

Been a pretty quiet day here. SIL1 and my oldest brother are supposed to stop by for lunch - I'm working from home - and bring a new wing chair for the living room. It will be the first time since my ex stripped the house that I'll have "real" furniture in there instead of a mix of various make-do items.

I'm trying to decide on if I'm going to take myself out for dinner tonight. My weight has been creeping up lately. I need to be more disciplined on my diet which is going to be tough with first my trip and then entering into the "gorging season" with Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Well - all for now.

Feeling weird tonight.

I chose to not go out for dinner. The take-a-way Chinese that SIL1 brought was very filling and undoubtedly containing more sodium than is good for me so I just skipped supper. S25 who was pre-warned was up, showered and charming. He's actually been pretty decent towards me lately despite the fact that I comment more freely on current job openings and apartment availability.

They also brought a new to me wing chair that fits well with the current decorating in my living room and was immediately adopted by one of the cats. It turns out that it was given free to them as well. It's nice after about 3 1/2 years to have "proper" furniture in the living room instead of odds and sods.

I can feel the hole in my life though though. It's palatable. Part of me thinks of filling it with acquisitions. Currently mulling over paying for a Spotify subscription. Big spender yes - I know

I've been also going over the concept of the "lists" that others have suggested that I consider. I look at the women who post OLD profiles and waffle between thinking that they'd be a good fit and not. Still not ready there.

Just musing "aloud" here for a bit as I have control of the keyboard. You all have control of your eyes and so don't necessarily need to follow along.

Things that attracted me to B were the fact that she had an obvious passion for life but was still very much a home-body. I'm not looking for a domestic slave but rather someone who prefers a quiet life at home. Many remember the "war of the kitchen" and the "battle of the gravy"

I don't look for an intellectual equal nor someone that I can be superior to. I firmly believe that intelligence comes in a wide variety of flavours. B I think quit school at grade 10. But she had a basic interest in local and international news, knew a lot about food and gardening and I was astounded at her knowledge of driving that absolutely helped S25 get his license. I actually thought she was pretty cool knowledge wise and I hope she knew that.

One lady I had a single date with some time ago - who I've known for nearly 30 years - was certainly my intellectual equal if not superior and I had no problem with that. It was strictly the lack of "warmth" I got from her. Perhaps "maternal" is something that I'm looking for. She was distant from her kids I know and had strained relations with them.

My ex - for all her faults - also had the capacity to care but for her it was more a possessive thing than a nurturing thing. I was very much "her" possession. And yes - there was a comfort in that.

On OLD I see so many people who I've seen literally for years. Searching for someone and not finding them and being disappointed in what they do find. And TBH - I wonder if I would be just another disappointment. I also look at the profiles and wonder how much of that like B and her talks of enjoying long walks is just advertising and not substance. That woman thought that 4 blocks was too far to go on foot.

But there's still that hole. I know that I need to wait until I am "whole" again / without a hole - English is a very silly language.

I did manage to change my world view to know that if I were to invite someone to share my life that it needed to be someone who wasn't like my ex. I now need to shake that up and know that it needs to be someone who isn't like B. I think I've let go of the "what could have been". Fairly easily for me because I very much knew that there were things that just weren't working. But still tough. I browse looking for I don't know what. And certainly not finding it.

I'm not ready.

Ah well - needed to be a bit maudlin - nobody to talk to here. The girls are working out who gets the new chair tonight. I've got my lunch made, the counter cleaned and have been typing here avoiding packing up for work tomorrow. I'm currently in the middle of a book of short stories by Isaac Asimov. Perhaps one more of those before bed.

The sun will rise again and it will be a new day.

Bon soir�e mes amis. (gonna have to learn that in Spanish).

Buenas noches mis amigos. [Soir�e is also fiesta (party) o velada (reunion) in Spanish, in English too?].

Good to see the place where you are standing Andrew. Respecting yourself first so as to be able to respect others.

Like a good recipe, there you�ll need time, patience and respect.

Stay strong there man!

Well - this is sort of not a surprise. It does appear that women do fall from the sky.

Late this afternoon the lady I've been referring to as "stalker lady" who perhaps I should now just refer to as "S" messaged me asking me out. I agreed - having been thinking about this for some time anyway but deferred until I get back from Spain so the end of the month at the earliest.

I've known her for quite a while but not well. We have a number of mutual friends. She certainly knows all about my house, my cats and my habits at least those visible through social media as she can be counted on to react to anything I post for the last 3 years usually within minutes. She is a part time who bunch of things. Actor, baker, psychic just to name a few things. I know that she's been at least separated about as long as I have been. She as 5 kids at least 2 at home and one grand-kid. I believe that for most of the time she's raised the kids as a single mom. Her last marriage I think only lasted a couple of years. She's maybe 3 or 4 years younger than me. I do know that she is more than a bit scattered but being able to raise kids on her own she must have got a bunch on the ball.

So - it begins again. I mentioned it S25 who a couple of years ago had told me that I was absolutely not allowed to date S and he looked slightly annoyed by more or less shrugged.

Faster than what I had in mind, but not by much. I need to make sure that in the next few weeks that I work on firmly putting B behind me. She pretty much is already. I did tell S that she could feel free to text me whenever when she mentioned that she hoped I didn't mind hearing from her.

She listed off pretty much every activity that I've done in the last few years as things we could do together. I suggested coffee or brunch to start with. I do know she has some dietary restrictions for gluten.

Time to get ready for tomorrow. As the story continues.

Awesome news Andrew! Good for you!

Andrew!

A few questions:

Is she still married?

Why interest now and not in the past few years?

Is the stalker thing a little creep?

Why is your son absolutely against you dating her ?

Originally Posted by AndrewP on August 22, 2019

We both need time to heal ourselves and not use someone else to do it.

How about we both put a mark in the sand and hold each other accountable and not reach out for another partner until September 28th at the earliest. Deal?

You can do this - but you've got to heal first and fully let go of "what could have been" first.

Wow... pacts just are not worth much around here these days, are they. LOL True, you didn't completely reach out to her. Perhaps a technical loop hole in the pact. Still, the reasons behind it were sound, loop hole or not. These are very solid words you wrote - heal first, fully let go first - then it may be time - at the end of this month "at the earliest" But, the pact wasn't made with me so...

And what happened to that list of qualities you started to think about? What, if any, might stalker lady fit - other than she showed interest - which seems to for some reason still top the list for you.

ok I'm going to be a jerk:

Andrew, what are you doing? Why are you constantly ruminating about B, a woman who dumped you and blocked you? Why are you still ruminating about exw, another woman who didn't treat you as you deserve to be treated?

I don't have a ton of experience, but I can tell you with certainty that if someone a. dumps you and b. blocks you that there's virtually zero chance that she's thinking about you. She's moved. on. and isn't looking back.

Why are you looking at OLD sites? How is this healing you? How is this bringing you closer to a life you want to live? What recommends SL to you other than her obvious interest in you?

Settling? Don't do it. You deserve better.

Andrew, the time for healing is for a reason, right?

You�ve avoided something so important that both bttrfly and don brought up. Any woman who shows interest in you, you are interested in. That can�t be your number one criteria as it seems to be. And you are much more vulnerable to that right now. We�ve asked and asked what you would like in a partner and you always avoid that question. Is it because all you want is for them to be interested in you? Because you are certainly selling yourself short that way.

What, aside for them being all about Andrew would you want from them in the relationship? What qualities would they possess? Do you want a sense of compatibility? Or do you again just want to go and �make it work� because she likes you?

Self worth is talked about on my thread. I have a bit of an issue with it. I�m definitely working on it. And I�m almost there. You , I think, need to work on that too. You are worth more than just a woman who likes you.

I�m the past 12 years of my Singledom I have had guys that were interested in me . But I wasn�t interested in them. They would ask me out. But I knew we weren�t compatible. I was not about to fill a hole with something that wasn�t going to be good for me.

What makes her a good match? What is making you interested aside from the fact she asked you out?

Don�t sell yourself short. Be with someone that adds to your life, not fills a void. I know the void can run deep sometimes. But fill it up in other ways until you find the one who adds to your life.

Remember what you told me?

Originally Posted by bttrfly

Andrew, what are you doing? Why are you constantly ruminating about B, a woman who dumped you and blocked you? Why are you still ruminating about exw, another woman who didn't treat you as you deserve to be treated?

Settling? Don't do it. You deserve better.

Can we get an AMEN and a standing ovation for bttrfly????? I mean really...this is EXACTLY what I have been saying about the XW all along to the point that Andrew teases me about it sometimes. And, he's doing the same thing with B, but I have yet to point it out because I feel like I'm always the one being the jerk pointing it out, so I let it go with B, but seriously Andrew...��...you are worth SO MUCH MORE. These ladies are gone and aren't looking back, so do yourself a favor and respond in kind. Put them in the past and don't even glimpse in the rearview mirror. I realize that is a tad harder with XW since you share kids and a long history, but your kids are adults so interaction with her, at this point, is practically nil as it relates to the kids so hold your head high and move on. You truly are an amazing man. You are funny, handsome, intelligent, loyal, a great family man, adventurous, stable.....the list could go on and on here. You have SO much to offer a woman and there is a lovely lady out there for you. She may very well drop in your lap at some point, but I don't think SL is it anymore than your XW or B were.

Someone else asked and I want to repeat the question in hopes we get an answer, what is your son's vehement objection to this woman? Normally I would say, since your son is an adult he should just butt the h3ll out, but in this case, y'all have a closer relationship than most and you care a lot about what he thinks, so I'm just wondering what kind of intel he has that make him so adamant about it. Maybe it is a big red flag that you should not be ignoring.

In becoming interested in those who express an overt interest in you, you are selling yourself short. Just like those before me said. It is so easy to do, too, especially now when you are hurting and still reeling a bit from B's abrupt departure with no real reason, at least in your mind, other than speculation. You can speculate all day long she might be returning to her HUSBAND (notice there is no X there because she never divorced the man!) and that may well be true but you do not know for a fact it is. And, seriously, if she's that wishy washy, is that really a woman you want anyway? It certainly isn't the one you deserve.

I think Ginger had a good point that you really need to work on your self worth. You spend a lot of time selling yourself short and talking yourself into settling. I have said so many times before, I'm sure B was and is a lovely woman in her own right. I saw your pictures and I thought she was a cute little lady. But she wasn't good enough for you from the get-go. You were settling. Do not do that to yourself.

LOL - Don't rush to judgement all

- We've not even gone out for coffee yet although thinking back a couple of years ago we had a nice lunch together with a mutual friend. We all just happened to be at the same place at the same time. Checking my calendar I don't see us being able to get together before the 29th which is still a ways away.

We should perhaps though think too about being a bit less crabbuckit. I have been pleased though that this community IMO has become a lot more positive than it used to be at least.

The comments do deserve response so I'll take a swing at some of them.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

Is she still married?

She refers to herself as single and has lived in an apartment with her younger kids and no partner for at least a few years. Don't know her legal status. She supports herself and her kids I presume with her numerous side-hustles. Her social media feed shows pictures of her wedding in 2012 and the resultant blended family. S still goes by her maiden name as do all her kids.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

Why interest now and not in the past few years?

I know first hand how tough it is to find the courage to ask someone out especially when you don't know their status or interest level. Beyond knowing them since her D25 was a little girl, S and her daughter both work part time at the cafe around and both knew when I started dating B and when it ended. The owner is a very good friend and enjoys teasing me. I expect that she like I have had some interest for some years but not the courage to take the next step. Knowing that I did date and that it did end made it pretty obvious that I was "on the market".

Originally Posted by Ginger1

Is the stalker thing a little creep?

Yes - and a bit cute too. I also have an elderly cousin who remarks and likes every single thing I do on social media so don't put too much emphasis on it other than an indication that what goes on in my social media life is of interest to her.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

Why is your son absolutely against you dating her ?

No clue. His response back in the day was that she had lots of kids and cooked gluten free. That's why I mentioned the potential date to him last night to give him an opportunity to raise an actual objection. He shrugged so perhaps has changed his mind.

Originally Posted by bttrfly

Why are you still ruminating about exw, another woman who didn't treat you as you deserve to be treated?

I'm not a person to just discard and walk away. I will always care about anyone who has had a special part in my life. I also think that most of us here are like that and also are people who spend undoubtedly far too much time pondering the whichness of why. I have reached the point of realizing both with my ex and with B that they are beyond anything that I could do for them. But in the "privacy" of this place and my diary I can still worry about them and also others who have passed from my life. I do know that there are people who can do the "discard and not look back" but I will never understand them. Any that I've ever encountered seem to be people who have a lot of anger and who are very selfish.

I've never been a big fan of the word "deserve". I don't believe in destiny nor even fairness. That doesn't mean that I don't try to achieve fairness. People get what they get. They accept what they accept. I'm learning that I don't have to accept what I get. But people don't often get what they or others may feel what they "deserve".

Originally Posted by bttrfly

Why are you looking at OLD sites? How is this healing you? How is this bringing you closer to a life you want to live?

It's letting me know that there are others out there searching, perhaps for someone like me. It's letting me sift through the different personalities and identify what attracts me and what doesn't in a way that can be far more rational than being faced with having to actually make choices in the moment.

Originally Posted by bttrfly

What recommends SL to you other than her obvious interest in you?

Hey - it's a great start. If she wasn't interested in me then obviously she wouldn't be someone I should be interested in either.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

What, aside for them being all about Andrew would you want from them in the relationship? What qualities would they possess? Do you want a sense of compatibility?

I'm unable to enunciate my answer to this. Reciprocity I think is the one single word that describes an ideal relationship to me.

Anyhoodles. Off to take a look at the morning reports.

And thank you for your kindness and support.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

We should perhaps though think too about being a bit less crabbuckit. I have been pleased though that this community IMO has become a lot more positive than it used to be at least.

If my understanding of crabbuckit* is correct, I would say we are not trying to pull you down in the muck with the rest of us, so you can die also. Rather, we are attempting to pull you UP.

*Crabbuckit" is a single by Canadian hip hop musician k-os, released in 2004 as a single from his album Joyful Rebellion. The title and work refers to the crab in the bucket syndrome where a group of crabs will pull down any crab that tries to escape, thereby ensuring their collective demise.

Originally Posted by bttrfly

*Crabbuckit" is a single by Canadian hip hop musician k-os, released in 2004 as a single from his album Joyful Rebellion. The title and work refers to the crab in the bucket syndrome where a group of crabs will pull down any crab that tries to escape, thereby ensuring their collective demise.

And it's a fun song that is very dance-able. There are some interesting cameos in the video too. It always surprises people who happen to be around when my music goes on shuffle when songs like this come up after playing Frank Sinatra or Placido Domingo.

Originally Posted by Dawn70

You truly are an amazing man. You are funny, handsome, intelligent, loyal, a great family man, adventurous, stable.....the list could go on and on here. You have SO much to offer a woman and there is a lovely lady out there for you. She may very well drop in your lap at some point, but I don't think SL is it anymore than your XW or B were.

Awe shucks

- you're still trying to set me up with your Mom aren't you. She does seem like a sweet lady though.

Hello Andrew

Originally Posted by AndrewP

We should perhaps though think too about being a bit less crabbuckit. I have been pleased though that this community IMO has become a lot more positive than it used to be at least.

Crabbuckit - really? Pulling others down to our collective demise. I don�t think this board deserves that insinuating monicker.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

I've never been a big fan of the word "deserve". I don't believe in destiny nor even fairness. That doesn't mean that I don't try to achieve fairness. People get what they get. They accept what they accept. I'm learning that I don't have to accept what I get. But people don't often get what they or others may feel what they "deserve".

Originally Posted by AndrewP

The comments do deserve response so I'll take a swing at some of them.

Deserve - two different view points.

Like most things there are positive and negative connotations, and everything in-between. Deserve is basically worthy. One could be worthy of reward or punishment or limbo, etc...

A belief, or not, in destiny, karma, etc... does not negate deservedness or worthiness.

For what it�s worth, I�ve found this board to be uplifting, and pretty far from the crab bucket.

DnJ

That crab bucket reference is a little insulting. We are all here to uplift others and help them see their worth. You really think we don�t want to see you in a happy healthy R, rather we want to pull you down and be �miserable� with the rest of us.

And as far as what I see here from the people I have gotten to know in person and in real life from this board are far from the crab bucket. There is no collective demise going on here. May some of us be unlucky in love, but we are highly successful people who are pretty happy. So we aren�t trying to pull you down with us, but rather lift you up with us.

Okay, I'll admit it, I had never heard the term or concept of Crabbucket before. I've heard of many other concepts involving animals - frogging for instance, but not Crabbucket. Interesting concept to be sure. Another interesting concept and one I've found to be true is, perception is reality. Is it really your perception that we are trying to drag you down to our level of "misery" so you don't feel better than we do? If that's your perception, then it's likely your reality. For me, the perception is you could be doing so much better and certainly are deserving better - like many of us here. As Butterfly said, we are attempting to pull you up. I most certainly see it that way. That's my and, I think for many, our perception and reality. I'll be further honest, I've kinda felt sorry for you with what went on with B. But, if you really think we are trying to pull you down I feel even more sorry for you. Again, it's your perception. Perhaps you're hurting even more than we know and that comment was evidence of Crabbucket in and of itself. Then again, I've just learned the term so what do I know.

I�ve never heard this term either and I too am a little offended.

We all want you to find happiness, Andrew, with a person who you can spend the rest of your days with. This person will be very special....they don�t just �fall out of the sky� or grow on trees. Even if it takes a year or to to find her, it will be worth it, on the long run.

As others have said (and we can only go on what you post on here) you seem to be happy to just make do. You don�t sound fussy and you really should be.

Please focus on your trip and stop thinking of what may be. You�ve learned through B what you do not want and what you do in a relationship.

Just enjoy your trip and move on.

Please stop thinking that we are trying to bring you down when the opposite is true, I don�t understand why you can�t see it.

I will also say, when I found that guy online, And people, including yourself, told me it wasn�t a good idea, I for not one second though anyone was trying to bring me down. Whether I agreed with the advice or not, I never for a second thought anyone wanted to bring me down with them. Just that they really do want me to heal and find the right partner rather than early trying to find someone, anyone.

Good Morning Andrew

Many people are attempting to pull you up. Others are standing beside you, fingers interlocked, providing a foothold, encouraging you to step into it and reach higher.

You journey is just that - your�s. As are your choices that shape it.

I include myself as a foothold guy. I�ll kneel down to help you back to your feet. Climb into your pit with hands and back ready to provide a boost.

You have many people who care. I do hope you see that.

The choice is your�s, as it always has been.

DnJ

Calm down everyone. All I was trying to indicate is that positivism is a helpful thing. So rather than predicting the demise of a relationship that doesn't even exist and might never or discounting the value of someone that even I don't know well, let's focus on things like my challenges in cooking.

One of the things that has changed since the spring and actually has very little to do with B is that I've now gotten rather good at making mushroom omelettes which are now my go-to on the weekends rather than just fried eggs. The part related to B is that she taught me that mushrooms can absolutely be a healthy and tasty addition to a diet and don't add anything bad. I suppose I always just considered them to be a sort of "luxury" and never checked the nutritional information. It does mean that it takes me a bit longer to cook breakfast and I use three eggs instead of two as that's the size of my omelette pan but that's fine. I am unsupervised after all.

Going to attempt my first lasagna in memory tomorrow. One of the things B liked was having pre-measured portions of ground beef for her diet which I now need to re-purpose. So - after chatting with D27 (who seems to be settling in to San Diego well) we agreed on a lasagna. I had thought of an eggplant lasagna which I've made a few times but was completely unable to find my recipe. It must have "left the building" 3 1/2 years ago. I honestly don't remember the last time I made a lasagna - it must have been at least 20 years ago. As with many of these recipes it says "serves 8". I only have 7 plates and have no intention of inviting S and her crew along but fortunately this will freeze well and will help feed S25 when I'm gone.

My ex was a big fan of her Betty Crocker cookbook that she got from her mother when she moved out on her own. She gifted both kids with an updated version. I've resisted buying my own copy and have done well by random browsing of the internet and think I found a recipe that will work for me. It uses basic unprocessed ingredients.

There is also a number of now excess canned goods that I'm going to drop off to the food bank this morning. Since her S38 uses the food bank, it might be appropriate that those items cycle back in. I'm intending on adding the local food bank to my list of charities that I support. It's run by the Salvation Army here. I'll probably write them a cheque in November in time for them to stock up for the demand at Christmas. At Christmas the local grocery stores will often have pre-packaged donations as well that my ex and I would usually add to our shop a few times. It makes sense as that focuses on the actual need. The canned pasta sauce and baked beans I'll be donating as something that I will never use will fit in to the general needs of the food bank clients I would imagine.

Putting the grocery list together I noticed that ducks are on sale so I'll pick a couple of those up. One for Thanksgiving and one for Christmas. There is a place where I can get free-range duck but it's quite a drive and they don't usually process their ducks until after October. When I was talking to D27 last night I asked if she knew if she was going to come up for Thanksgiving and she wasn't sure as she has been focused on her move.

Since the furnace is now running from time to time, I probably will put up the storm windows today. It marks the definitive end of a summer that was just a blur. Certainly a lesson that I shouldn't minimize my own desires to accommodate others. There was a lot that I had wanted to do and to do with a companion this past summer that just never happened. I can only blame myself as B wasn't here for much of the summer although I was adjusting my activities to be available when she was. This is one job that I absolutely dread and not just because it marks the end of summer. My house is quite high, the front window especially is very large and heavy, my ladder is in rather sad shape. My ex used to always make sure that she was somewhere else when I did it. I'll lose some cross-breeze through the house but do still have some windows that will open on warmer days until I seal the house up after it cools down enough that the furnace comes on through the night.

I will say that the interest by S - who was very clear that she was talking about 2 single people doing single people things together as friends - has been a very positive part of helping me heal. We say to not use others to help us heal but getting dumped - first by my ex and then by B with a couple in between who while we never got very close parted ways with me by their own choice - can really give you a kick in the self esteem. S reaching out to me has certainly helped with that.

Well - enough for now. I was debating whether to bother with a Saturday post but figured that I should.

Venting again.

Does anyone want a 25 year old? Going cheap. I can even throw in a pie if you like. I mentioned to him that I had bought extra sweet peppers when grocery shopping as they were on sale and that we should perhaps keep that in mind to try to eat them up before they go bad.

That got me a sarcastic remark about the fact that we were saving money on what we would be throwing out and being the adult in the room I responded with a raspberry. Which, like the last time I did it, got me a reaction of ice cold rage where he explained to me that he was trying hard to not yell. I stood up for myself and told him that I also was having a hard time then and other times not yelling. The stand-off eventually ended and he left the room.

When he channels his mother so accurately it is very disturbing. 95% of the time we don't interact at all and I do find that this episode doesn't bother me quite as much as the last one. He has such a very cutting way about him. He really doesn't appreciate I think how fortunate he is. I texted his sister later and slipped in the suggestion that perhaps he would be better off if he moved in with his mother. I lack the courage to reach out to his mother or even make the suggestion to him that he move in with her. With only one part-time under the table job there's no way he could make rent on his own. I was actually trying to do the math this morning of when the last time I talked to my ex. If it's defined by being in the same room and using words then it would have been during the lawyer meetings in mid 2017. If it's defined by attempting to have a conversation that would have been early January 2017 when I gave up standing and had a long phone call with her which mainly was me demanding she make a choice and her sniffling. Prior to that, July 2016 before she moved out. Then she was so very full of herself and so scornful of poor pathetic AndrewP. Crap - it's been a long time. No sense changing that now though. I can't see co-parenting with her in any form. As far as I know she hasn't been very involved with either kid. Reading over the years, it is amazing how so very often this is the case with parents who have affairs and run off.

Le sigh. I am at a loss as to what to do other than suck it up and power through. I won't throw him out. We have both been clear for a long time that it would be better for all concerned if he were on his own. I've forwarded him job ads and know that he generally has ignored them. We've had calm conversations and he agrees with everything I say and then does nothing. With car payments coming up, I can't really afford to rent him an apartment.

I do expect that when I'm away that he will spend a fair amount of time with his mother but I honestly can't see him moving in with her. From what I've heard OM has moved in to her apartment with her. It's either a 2 or 3 bedroom place but is undoubtedly crowded with crap just like S25's room. I honestly don't know how he can live like that. Every flat surface has "stuff" on it - often empty pop cans or stuff related to his bubble pipe and just random junk. Clothes all piled on his bed and floor. I know he is capable of making things tidy but he just doesn't. He really is living like a 17 year old. Fortunately he does confine that to his room and the rest of the house is reasonably tidy. Even the kitchen which we share but that's because I clean it. He is more than content to have dishes pile up for a week which is usually the case when I go away.

I did reach out to S via text asking about her day and commenting about "surly child". We had a nice back and forth. She was attempting some electrical work, complained about her own "surly child". I made a joking reference that our mutual friend from the cafe had suggested that I might find romance in Madrid which S agreed with me that a whirlwind vacation fling wasn't really a good idea. She invited me over for coffee and a snack but I declined for a variety of reasons the main ones being that it was close to dinner time and I also had a number of things on the go that I wanted to finish. S is continuing like when she invited me out to look at this as two single people who can maybe do things together that friends do. It's a healthy low pressure way to proceed. We'll - eventually - see if that changes. No rush and no pressure. If we can go out a few times as friends with no pressure and get to know each other we can see where it goes or doesn't go. It was nice to have someone that I could reach out to even in this fashion. I expect that she was pleased that I initiated contact.

I got a lot done yesterday including getting the storm windows up. It is still a bit early but given the good weather yesterday it seemed like a good idea. It does mean that S25 has no opening window again and I can smell his bubble pipe in other parts of the house but - not my problem.

In October I may ask S to go with me to collect the wildflowers and grasses I turn in to Autumn decorations for the house. When I was married I never did anything like that as I didn't feel that I would have "permission" and also felt that no matter what I did that I wouldn't do it "right". It's nice to have the freedom to do this sort of stuff now and I've done it every autumn ever since.

Well - tea pot is empty. Time to go for a walk and then lunch. It's a sausage and bean soup today. Then making the sauce for my lasagna which will undoubtedly have a fair amount of sweet peppers in it. I'm hoping to get some packing done as well as some yard work. If the rain holds off I may give the grass the last cut of the year. The flower beds need to be cut back and gotten ready for winter.

Andrew, the answer isn�t moving in with his mother. The answer is for him to become a motivated man and get his stuff together. Staying there under current circumstances or moving in with mommy at 25 certainly isn�t going to get him here.

What has hope of getting him there? Giving him an eviction notice. Not throw him on the street, but give him a time frame . � you will have to be out of the house by November 1st�. he will have no choice but to do for himself. Whether it�s get another part time job, or find a roommate situation so his rent is cheap, he�s got to do for him like a man would.

You do realize nothing is going to change if nothing changes, right? He will just be S35 being a surly unmotivated child under your roof. And surely you don�t want that for him.

Just remember. Nothing changes unless something changes.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

Le sigh. I am at a loss as to what to do other than suck it up and power through. I won't throw him out. We have both been clear for a long time that it would be better for all concerned if he were on his own. I've forwarded him job ads and know that he generally has ignored them. We've had calm conversations and he agrees with everything I say and then does nothing. With car payments coming up, I can't really afford to rent him an apartment.

Therein lies your answer, Andrew. You won�t throw him out so you are going to have to suck it up and power through. He has continued to ignore your advice and suggestions and seems to just pacify you when you talk to him about it. It is not on you to rent him an apartment, it is on HIM. He is 25, not 5. As long as you continue to make excuses for him and not actively put pressure on him to change, he won�t. He may well go stay with his mom while you are gone, but I agree with Ginger that his moving in with her is not the solution. Sure, it gets him out of your house but it does nothing for him. As long as you are steadfast about not throwing him out and continuing to provide everything for him, he has no motivation to move. You are going to have to light a fire under his @ss, as my dad would say. If you don�t want to throw him out, why not at least start making him pay a little rent or buy part of the groceries or be responsible for part of the bills. While you don�t need his help financially, you could either actually use that money to pay bills or you could stash it back to save it for him then �help� him build a little nest egg specifically for moving out and getting his own place. I agree with Ginger about giving him a deadline. As long as you continue in the current vein, you are going to continue the current situation and he�ll be S35, S45, etc. still living with you being a surly child. If you want him to act like a man, treat him like a man. I would be rather reticent to move from the place where I had everything paid for me, could come and go as I please, do as I please.

Andrew,

I agree w/Ginger and Dawn, your son isn't going to do a darn thing about being a more responsible adult any time soon. Why should he man up when he's got it good? He doesn't help w/the work around the house, he doesn't pony up some funds for the bills or groceries. The least he could do is help w/cleaning the house and yard work. He knows that you are conflict avoidant and will not push him to do things. It's time to advise him that when you return from your trip, things are going to change, i.e., he will pony up half the funds for the electric and fuel bills and yes, even begin to clean around the house and yard. If he doesn't like it, well...he can make the decision as to when he will be moving out. He's 25 years old and it's time for him to start acting like a man and not some child who is relying on daddy to take care of him for the rest of his life.

BTW, it's not your place to get him an apartment....it is his place to get a real job and now that he has his license and wheels, there is no excuse that he can't find one. It's not your place to provide him a roof over his head until he's 50 and you are ready for the nursing home. Time to cut that apron string and make him accountable and responsible and the only way to do that is to lay out what he needs to be responsible for.

Oh, and Andrew, him smoking pot with closed windows and smelling it all over your house, that actually is your problem. If you don�t like it, you tell him to take it outside . You can do that. He is living under your roof for free.

Also, weed is not cheap, even where it is illegal. Where is he getting the money for that? That could very well be rent money!!!

And to add t Ginger's posting about the pot...think of the cats if you don't want to think of yourself. Those kitties are smelling that stuff and it's not good for them.

I do agree, if he wants to smoke that stuff, take it outside. You don't need the house smelling of pot, nor do you want your clothes to have that odor on them.

If he has money for pot, then he has money to either pay rent, purchase some groceries and help with the utility bills.

If he gets angry, then so be it...but it's time for this little man to grow up and take on some responsibilities.

It's Wednesday! A warm(ish) and drizzly one. Even though it will be warmer than it has been lately today you can really feel the presence of Autumn.

Long and rambly nonsense - nothing really of note to report.

I'm clearly remembering sitting out on my front bench a few years ago hearing the geese honking in the distance and realizing that an entire season had gone by and that my wife was still gone with no sign of returning. It's now been years and she's still managing to stay away

For Sunday Supper S25 was wearing his cheerful and engaging face and enjoyed the lasagna which TBH turned out rather good for a first attempt. There are many many leftovers though. I'll be eating this probably until Halloween. I need more people to feed. S25 doesn't tend to eat leftovers even less than I do - but I wanted to try a lasagna and so there it is.

He was I'm pretty sure out for dinner with his mother on Monday night. Usually when he's out he leaves a note except when it's his mother. He got home well after I went to bed and the next morning the local paper was prominently left open on the classifieds for jobs and apartments. Fingers crossed that he's actually going to be doing something about it. He had been ignoring the job postings I was forwarding him on Messenger but he's at least seen them now. I can hope that his mother has added her voice to the "get a real job" chorus.

I have been smelling the "herbal" scent a bit more in the last few days to where I commented on it last night, opened a window and turned on a fan. Now that the storm windows are up and there is reduced ventillation in the house I hope he decreases his use. Yes, I could stamp my tiny feet and request he stop / do it outside but that just creates conflict that - yes - I would rather avoid. Even though it's "my" house, like I told B - it's "our" home. And it is for him too. And the happy cheerful S25 was long gone by Tuesday night.

Feeling "the lonely" more than a bit in the last few days. I did foolishly browse around to see if I could see any footprints of B's life but nothing new. Both she and her STBX/H have had me thoroughly blocked since the end of last month. I know that's bad and I need to just let that go. I went in and deleted my search history so it doesn't pop up as a recent search. Last night we had a fabulous thunderstorm - almost window rattling. Being a warmer night and having gotten accustomed to sleeping with the windows open when B was here, I left them open. I remember on nights like that and actually most nights, my ex used to lay with her head on my chest listening to my heart beat. I miss that.

I've spent some more time thinking about what I did right or wrong in the relationship with B and what I glossed over that I should have been more pro-active on. A key one I think was the fact that it felt like for B that our relationship was some sort of secret which I know that I discussed here at the time. Oddly, not so much from her friends and family but from mine. We did have discussions about it where I told her I was worried that she wasn't fully divested of her old life and that she wasn't ready to be with me. She discounted that and suggested that she didn't want to confuse her grandkids as an excuse which in hindsight was rather bogus. They all knew about me fairly quickly, it was my side that she was hiding from. I was also thinking how odd it was that when she moved out of here to her youngest son's house that she did it all on her own and that her son - who had time and a fairly big pickup truck never helped. All irrelevant at this point but just other factors to look at to understand the next time around if people are really as loved and engaged as they might make themselves out to be.

I've been trying to put some more focus on sticking to my diet despite having an urge to take myself out for wings tonight. My weight has been somewhat stable for the last while and since I added apples back to my diet there has been little problem with gout. I would like to get down to my post bomb-day weight which was around 100kg although I saw a picture from back then the other day and oh-my-heavens. My face at least looked skeletal. I was about 75 kg at my most fit when I was in my early 20s and about 80 when I got married but those days are long past. At just under 6' tall with dense bones and broad shoulders I think 100 kg is about right. This morning was 113 which is where I've been since last Christmas.

Almost all the practical things are done for my trip. I fly out this Saturday afternoon. I was going to hold off sending my X her (monthly gift) :P until Saturday but will probably do it this afternoon. It's due on the 15th. Going to do some laundry and ironing in advance so I have enough clean undergotchies to go with me and to have work clothes for a day or so after I get back. I'll download the book that kml suggested from my local public library - the loan is good for 2 weeks. I have lots of other content to keep me occupied during quiet times and on the flight but it will be nice to check out something new. A good part of my vision for my trip beyond lots of walking and site-seeing is just hanging out in cafes or parks with a time of day appropriate beverage and a good book. It would have been really nice to have a companion but I don't. S certainly sounds very interested in my trip. B wouldn't have enjoyed it even if we were still together I am sure and she agreed. She did get a fair amount of flak from her friends about not going with me. Her being stone broke and there not being a beach were two bigger reasons although TBH if she had shown interest another ticket certainly could have easily been found.

Well - I need to decide if I'm going to take myself out for dinner tonight. I didn't last week. Not sure. Kind of a coin toss as I should be having the "I have food at home" talk with myself. There is undoubtedly lots of lasagna.

Time to focus back to work though. Maybe go for a walk at lunch if the weather holds.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

Well - I need to decide if I'm going to take myself out for dinner tonight. I didn't last week. Not sure. Kind of a coin toss as I should be having the "I have food at home" talk with myself. There is undoubtedly lots of lasagna.

Andrew,

Here's the plan: You need to take yourself out for dinner tonight. It's time for you to get out for dinner. Before you go to dinner, box the lasagna, and on your way to dinner, overnight the lasagna to me. That seems to be both logical and reasonable. It's a two-fer; you get to take the opportunity to get out of the house and you don't have to worry about wasted leftovers.

On my phone at the airport having a beer. My heavens they make quite the margin here. Certainly one way to avoid getting drunk although the young guy next to me is doing shots.

Got lost twice finding my way but nothing of consequence. I think that B was always surprised at how little such things bothered me. Thinking about her and how the relationship didn't work lately. More and more I think that she never really thought it would work. Actions didn't match words.

My own reality is that I am assuming that she meant what she said in the moment and never intended to hurt or deceive. Since my believing that makes me feel good and changes nothing I'm going with it.

She should be at her niece's wedding at a high end venue right now. It was a "must attend" thing for her kids as well but I know she was getting pushback on that. A small part of me wonders how she is paying for the hotel and taxi etc but certainly not my problem. I do expect that she will be attending solo as she accepted the invite solo since I am traveling.

S is away with two of her boys and her Dad and I've sent her updates as she had asked. Haven't been seen yet but I expect she will be happy to see them. We have a "two people who happen to be single" brunch planned for the Sunday after I get back. I am quite looking forward to it.

What inspired me to post today was the realization that this is the same departure area that my ex and I used on that fateful trip to Mexico when she finally got the courage to drop the I'm leaving you bomb. Another ghost to slay.

Flight has been delayed. Time to open my book.

Bon voyage Andrew!!!!

Food for thought.. you are a genuine and sincere person. Your heart is pure and true.
What one woman might considere a problem might not be for someone else.
Do not over analyse your relationship. You did nothing wrong.
I think B beleived she was ready and hoping she could handle entering this relationship with you and soon discovered how needy her son and gk were. She put her family first.
Something i have done myself. The gentleman i saw for a bit was not the problem. His love was true.
I felt overwhelmed and could not continue.

B did say she loved you as she departed. She is not ready. Not for you, not for anyone else. Not even for her ex .

I am looking forward to your pictures!! Enjoy every minute of this trip. You deserve it!!

Hope your plane has departed and you're getting some semblance of sleep on it.

Have a wonderful trip!

Ola from Madrid.

Just as I finished posting I did sort of get chatted up by a nice Australian lady who was flying from Toronto home to London (she seemed to have a complicated life) before boarding. She seemed nice.

Plane was 2 hours late taking off. They had to reboot it. Seriously? Yep - we were waiting for take-off and then they powered everything down and then brought it back up again because there were over 100 failed systems according to the Captain. I covered my eyes with my sleep mask and rested for a few hours on the plane. Since I'm slightly larger than the average bear I was happy to get an aisle seat but it also meant being disturbed every few minutes by people walking past bumping in to me.

Still got to the hotel too early to check in so spent several hours walking around in yesterday's clothes in light misty rain. There is a lot of up and down here. And hotel rooms are postage stamp sized compared to what I'm used to. Everything pretty much is closed as it is Sunday. I haven't eaten since the rubber chicken dinner yesterday since I'm too cheap to pay the prices asked in the crowded tourist trap area that was open.

The tour stuff is organized very differently than what I expected. I sort of imagined that since this is an Air Canada package that they run only once a month or so that there would be a crowd of us at this hotel and I'd be able to just follow other people's lead. Nope. I'll figure it out though.

I'm not really complaining though. Doing something like this is very very difficult for me. I constantly felt like backing out which happens every time I stretch myself like this. I don't recall every backing out before and I know from experience that once I am going that I'm fine. It's just the "getting off the pot" thing. Which reminds me - haven't used the bathroom since Toronto

Excuse me.

Then time to change and find a "racion". The only place close by seems to only serve calamari which I'm not keen on. The coffee in the cafe around the corner from the hotel was quite good and I "almost" broke down and had a churro and chocolate.

You are in Spain: eat the churro

Good Morning Andrew

You�re on vacation. Eat the overpriced tourist trap food, order the local delicious delectables.

Have a great time buddy.

DnJ

Andrew,

This is a brand new experience for you. I love Europe and it gives us an opportunity to learn and experience new things along the way. Trust me, the food is good and yes, it can be a little bit more expensive than what we are use to, but many of those places have great food. Spend a little bit to get good food and don't be afraid to try new things. It's time for Andrew to spread his wings and just have some fun.

Enjoy yourself.

Settling in for the night at my hotel even though the clock on the computer says 3:00pm. Still haven't gotten the confidence that my Euro VISA is going to work properly. I tried it in a couple of ATMs and it had issues. I also haven't figured out how to identify (generally) where tap / etc will work and if this card will work as expected. So without much cash in my pocket I'm reluctant to go in somewhere, order a meal and then be unable to pay. This evening most of the places I thought looked interesting were "very" crowded as well which also made me uncomfortable. I suppose I'm biased because most of my foreign travels have been to Cuba where cash is the only option. Madrid certainly seems to have a very high concentration of cell phone users. I even saw one guy with a mount on his motorbike texting at an intersection.

On a positive note, I've not had any empty calories from beer, tapas, churros or chocolate and did a huge amount of walking. I had a nice Messenger chat with S a short while ago who messaged me right as I got to my room. She's had a good weekend with her Dad and the boys. She's a very pale ginger and forgot her sunscreen so we shared a chuckle over that and how sore my feet are from all the walking I've done.

My phone is finally functional. It's a work phone so roaming services aren't automatic. I had to get my IT guy to contact the carrier and just a short while ago a batch of texts came in including the notification that my ex has received her monthly payment. Odd (to me) that she is so very punctual on picking it up exactly on the 15th despite the fact that I usually send it a couple of days early. Over 1/4 of all the payments I'll have to make are now done. Hard to believe although I'll be paying until my 60th birthday.

Tomorrow up early for the city and palace tour. I'll probably get things figured out a lot more there. I've got some jazz playing - seems to be about all I listen to these days - in the hotel - makes the tiny room feel a bit more home-like.

So - SIL1 messaged me a short while ago and sent a confirming picture. B and her H are (very probably) back together. They were in the cafe that SIL1 was at this morning together. It's in the same village as her son that she moved in with lives in and she and I have been there before. I'm pretty sure that B wouldn't have recognized SIL1. It was her friends, family and kids that stalked my social media, not her. We all expected this. Assuming it's true - it's going to be so very very tough. He was still cheating and refused to get treatment for his longstanding diagnosed depression last I knew. B has had multiple flings including 2 serious ones. Not to toot my own horn too much, he'll have a very hard time measuring up to me. And it will undoubtedly bother him quite a lot that "his wife" was sleeping with other men and even lived with one. That also his mother-in-law really really liked as did her best friend's husband who often financed trips and such for her (weird story - not worth getting in to). Not sure if she's kept any of the momentoes from our relationship. They did get packed - some by me when it seemed that B "overlooked" them. I do have an idea what the state of their finances are and they won't be living nearly as well as they were. On the other hand this cafe is down in my area not "up north" at his so who really knows - I certainly don't.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. It certainly reduces any residual guilt that might have existed about me moving on with S or any other person. I'd like to see B making better choices about the direction her life is going in - but that's both out of my hands and literally none of my business. It also means that he's going to be pulled in to the continuing drama around S38 and the GK - the original excuse he gave for cheating years ago. I think that I'm doing pretty good on the whole letting go thing. Even though I disagree with the choices that B has made and is appearing to make, they are her choices and she's a big girl and presumably knows what she is doing and why.

Well - time to do my usual update of my books with what I've spent, perhaps read for a short while and then off to bed.

Andrew,

Did you forget to activate the Euro Visa? You can go to a bank Monday and inquire as to what you may be doing wrong. Also, if you have another credit card, you can use it over there until you get the Euro Visa figured out.

Tomorrow will be a better day. On to new adventures and who knows....you just might write a story about those adventures.

Enjoy your evening!

Had a panic this morning when I couldn't find my passport for over an hour - and this is in a tiny room. Eventually found on the floor under one end of the bed.

Sore feet and possibly lighter after another day of lots of walking in what was forecast to be low 20s (celcius) and was mid 30s. Drank about 3 litres of water at the hotel room. The Madrid royal palace is just jaw dropping amazing. After my tour there was no apparent ride back to my hotel so I wandered through this amazing park and around and about.

I've got things more or less figured out now. The VISA just plain doesn't work in an ATM so I picked up a bit more cash. I confirmed that the card worked at a souvenir shop. Thought about picking S up a nice scarf which they do nicely here but didn't think it appropriate and I have no clue on her taste. Bought some exciting Madrid themed socks. With cash in my pocket and a working card and confidence in my heart, I stopped at a cafe, chased away the pigeons and had a nice light lunch. I've probably over-provisioned in money at this point but I can convert the Euros to $US for when I go visit my daughter. I also still have almost a week of meals to fund though as well. I'm finding that I'm not very hungry though and am going with that as I really would like to lose weight.

B would have absolutely hated this trip I think

especially the walking. I know when I used to vacation with my ex, she'd lay around at the resort (always had to be a tropical beach resort) while I'd wander off and then we'd catch up later. The expectation was that if B and I had continued that it would have been like that.

Surprisingly S was up when I sent her a "good morning" and told her what adventures I was embarking on including the panic of the lost passport - she'd asked for me to keep her up to date on her adventures. She'd had a late movie night with her younger daughter and her Dad. I'm not really investing too much mentally on her but as a pretty known quantity it's certainly worth having brunch with her.

Off for my first paella now. Tomorrow is a bus excursion and tour of Toledo so likely less walking overall. Most of the other people on the tour this morning were couples and generally quite a bit older than me.

Spent the day in Toledo - not pronounced the same way as in Ohio. Highly recommend the one in Spain - never been to the one in Ohio.

I had a bit of a laugh - some of the other people on the tour assumed that a solo traveling woman was with me. It appears that I have the "somebody owns this guy" look. This isn't the first time that this has happened by far but usually with women that I am actually spending company with who it is assumed is my long term spouse. B used to find it pretty funny I think. More than one woman has been advised "he's a keeper". Also a good laugh was shared with the guide who could in no way manage to pronounce my last name and really struggled with the first. It was charming the way she did pronounce it. She was also my guide yesterday and as soon as she saw me she had a big smile on her face. I think she was attracted to me slightly. She seemed to make sure that I was close by when she was going through the different parts of her sessions and appeared to give me extra attention. On the other hand, I was making an extra effort to pay attention to her presentations and showed the real active interest I had. Any professional will like someone who appreciates their work.

The bit that caused me to come here was just a major bit of weirdness. Part of the tour included a viewing of the El Greco painting The Burial of the Count of Orgaz - an amazing piece of work. At the end when I finally got a chance to get close to the front for a good look, there, not part of my tour was what I immediately recognized as "Taco Lady". She is a major fan of Renaissance art among other genres. I've not seen nor talked to her for a couple of years now. I was standing immediately behind her and almost called out her name but left instead. I did only see her from the back and on a profile and am not sure if she saw me or not. She seemed engrossed in a phone call. Just a short while ago I checked her social media profile and the odds are really really high that it was just someone who was amazingly identical looking with similar interests. When the tour broke for lunch I actually tried to find the chapel again but was unable to. Taco Lady was someone who would have indeed spent multiple hours looking at such a masterpiece. That meant that lunch for me was a big bottle of water and an ice cream bar. I thought I ordered noodles for dinner tonight but ended up getting a delicious rice dish which probably wasn't paella.

I have no idea how many more miles I walked today but it was quite a few and largely involved changes in elevation. I was thinking that while my ex might have had some interest in this adventure, there's no way with her mobility and weight issues that she would have managed. My belt certainly did seem looser.

Time to update my actual diary, catch up on various things and then off to bed. I get to sleep in tomorrow as long as I make it for the provided fairly decent breakfast and then I think I'll head off to my primary goal - the Cervantes museum.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

I was standing immediately behind her and almost called out her name but left instead.

Okay Andrew, I'm going to take the bait. So, you were standing there watching Taco Lady checking out the Count of Orgaz and you were going to yell, "Yo, Taco Lady, it's me Andrew!" Does she even know that her name is Taco Lady? Or, does she have regular name like Candice or Jezebel?

Ola from LA (or "lower Arkansas" for those of you not from around these here parts). I'm so enjoying your pictures and your solo adventure. I'm living vicariously since the farthest I will likely get from LA anytime in the near future is probably going to be Little Rock (about 50 miles away). LOL

Going back a couple of days in your post, I must repeat something I said earlier: SIL1 needs to butt the h3ll out. I mean really....does this woman have some sort of vendetta against you or something? What is the point of her sharing such info? She (and you) assume B went back to the X, but in all honesty, he was never X to begin with because she was still married to him. You say it doesn't bother you that SIL1 shared this info, but then you proceed to give us all the reasons it really does, couched in a "hey, no big deal, I'm a catch and she lost out" attitude. That really makes me angry for you, Andrew. You are a good man and you deserve better treatment from B and SIL1. You deserve to be allowed to grieve at your own pace for the loss of what was or what might have been and to move on in your own way/time. If B is back with her husband, that is on her and you are right....bad choice. But, not your circus, not your monkeys!

You are in Spain, my friend, keep enjoying and living it up. And for goodness sakes, man.....go ahead and have some empty calories. Eat the d@mn churro already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will sign off and stop harassing you now. I anxiously await Doodler's response to your encounter with the "Taco Lady."

Originally Posted by Dawn70

I anxiously await Doodler's response to your encounter with the "Taco Lady."

Dawn,

You were late to the party. Check out the post just before your post.

Originally Posted by doodler

Originally Posted by Dawn70

I anxiously await Doodler's response to your encounter with the "Taco Lady."

Dawn,

You were late to the party. Check out the post just before your post.

LOL....of course I was! I must have been typing my long-winded reply while you were getting to the heart of the Taco Lady matter. Story of my life, man...��.

Originally Posted by Dawn70

Eat the d@mn churro already!

Churros e chocolate for lunch today. And an Iberian ham sandwich. They really do know how to do it right here.

I really must have that "this guy belongs to someone" look. Again more than one person on today's expedition was surprised that I was traveling alone. I had a nice chat with a lady from Miami where I did mention that I am divorced for about 4 years now. (Yes there are lots of different dates but 4 years is easier and less "counting the days" than 3 1/2). I suspect that today's guide had some sort of interest as he kept mentioning his failed love life (really?) and making aside comments in English to me as the only English speaker on the tour. He did stop when I commented that it was too bad that my girlfriend who I'd recently broken up with didn't come. That at least indicated that my preference didn't run to trim Spanish men

Previous comments about my children didn't seem to have an impact.

Had fabulous service and a good meal at a cafe this evening where I've gone to a couple of times now. I made sure to give them a glowing online review on Google. That stuff is gold to small companies.

Part of today's tour was in Avila where we viewed some relics of St Teresa. I'm neither Catholic nor even religious but I was very moved. There was (of course) a gift shop and I was thinking how much B's mother would have loved to see the pictures I took today, have heard my stories and appreciated something from the gift shop like rosary beads. I really am very fond of B's mother. She would tell me that she was praying for me and when she heard that my son-in-law was deployed she promised to pray for him as well. She would go out of her way to visit with me and was always thrilled when B and I would come to visit and would brag about me to everyone. I would joke that if only she were 20 years younger - she's 92 - that B would have had a run for her money.

Tomorrow is sleeping in a bit and then the Prado museum. I'm figuring that will take most of the day I need to plan my day for Saturday. I'm really looking forward to getting home but have certainly gotten my boots under me now.

Andrew,

I am so happy to read how you are faring as a solo tourist. Sounds like you are thoroughly enjoying yourself and meeting some new people along the way. I had to chuckle about Tour Guide's comments and how you gently stopped him in his tracks about your former girlfriend. LOL!

Enjoy your day tomorrow. Take plenty of photos in and around the Prado museum. I have truly enjoyed the photos you have posted thus far.

Andrew,

Are you going to Barcelona? Some day I want to see Bas�lica de la Sagrada Fam�lia. It's surreal, particularly inside the basilica. Construction started in 1882 and they're still working on it.

Originally Posted by doodler

Just Madrid plus side trips to Toledo, Alcal� de Henares, Segovia and Avila.

I've seen a couple of cathedrals, palaces and at least one basilica. Spent today at the Prado. One day at Prado certainly didn't seem like enough. I wore out the battery on the audio guide in the 7 hours I was there and only got most of the way through the first floor.

I came to Madrid mainly for the Cervantes museum just outside the city. Everything else including the thigh-buster hills I've been walking on has been a bonus. Oh - and the tapas is generally disappointingly whatever cheap stuff they bar gives away with a beer. The coffee though is generally quite good as long as you don't expect it to be served in giant mugs with free refills like we do in North America. If you do ever go to Madrid, ignore the tourist draw of tapas and paella. The real thing that they have here is delicious Iberian ham. They are so fond if it that in the tourist shops you can actually get ham shaped pillows.

Heading home on Sunday morning at butts a.m. Trying to figure out what to do for the last day. I may just get a tourist pass on the Metro and stop at semi random places and explore.

You'll have to track me down on social media. I've been posting quite the travelogue.

I budget for a couple of trips to see my daughter in the US plus one bigger trip per year for me. Barcelona while interesting doesn't have any specific attraction to me. Not sure where I'll aim for next year.

Well, where have you already been? London, Paris, Rome are musts. I loved Portugal. Vienna is quite nice. I also loved Edinburgh.

Florence.....I think you�d love it, and easy to walk around as it�s all pedestrianised.

Oh and Berlin is a fantastic city too!

Originally Posted by kml

Well, where have you already been? London, Paris, Rome are musts. I loved Portugal. Vienna is quite nice. I also loved Edinburgh.

My ex insisted on tropical beaches so just Cuba and the last trip to the Pacific coast of Mexico where she dropped the bomb on me just before my birthday.

Westo - Florence is a possibility. The history of the Medici is fascinating.

S and I have been exchanging messages and she has asked me to bring her back a palace. Almost done breakfast and now have a mission. My days always go better with that.

I suggest Rome, with a side trip to Florence. With your love of history the Roman ruins will blow your mind, and the Renaissance art in Florence is incredible.

�Bring her back a palace� ???

Confused!

Originally Posted by kml

I suggest Rome, with a side trip to Florence. With your love of history the Roman ruins will blow your mind, and the Renaissance art in Florence is incredible.

From everything I understand Rome is a bit of a dump and hard to find your way around. Perhaps Ravenna where Theodric the Great made his capital? And where I had a long thread about sitting in a cafe with Job, Westo, Altair, and Coly

Originally Posted by Westo

�Bring her back a palace� ???

Confused!

LOL. I suggested to her that if any of the castles were unoccupied that I'd see if they would be in her price range. She suggested that a crown or sword would be helpful too. I got her a fridge magnet of the Royal Palace.

Ahhhh, I understand now!

I went to Rome and I wasn�t impressed to be honest. There were too many ruins....total overload if you know what I mean!

Tatty and spoiled (like many European cities) with graffiti.

I love all of Italy as well as Sicily. Italy does have a lot of ruins, but you can get around and actually see the ones that you studied in school okay. Belgium, the Netherlands, Germany France, Monte Carlo, Switzerland and Austria are nice too. France was okay, but all of the other countries...I loved visiting. Of course, I also loved Ireland, Scotland, England and Wales as well...but I certainly would make return visits to Ireland and Italy...but that's me.

Take some time and decide what you want to see and do on the next trip. Who knows...maybe some of the posters may meet up w/you at the next destination.

Andrew I think you might really enjoy Istanbul. Amazing history. Beautiful buildings. Great food. Being able to see Europe and Asia at exactly the same time. It's truly a wonderful city....

Uncle Billy used to say that the only traveling he had to do was to go to England, because the British Empire sent everything to the museums back home, lol!

You could always put up a map of the world and practice throwing darts at various places.

Originally Posted by job

There had been an outside chance that a friend might have met up with me in Madrid but it didn't work out. I need to take a look at my budget as well. I set money aside each payday in to a vacation fund. I plan on at least 2 trips to see my daughter each year although that may be cheaper with her in San Diego as they now have a 2 bedroom place. Even though I love history, I never really studied it in school - just the obligatory courses. My kids always thought I should have taught the subject though because it does engage me being as that history is all about the stories for me. I've been a fan of a podcast called Tides of History which is very engaging and actually gave me a lot of the basis of Spanish history that did me well in this trip.

I'll save up the money and then see where the winds may blow me. There is so much to see and do right here as well. I've never been to our nation's capital which I understand is beautiful in both summer and winter. I used to work up by James Bay from time to time so have been to the "near north" but never the "far north". Ive never been west of Edmonton and even then since it was a working trip only ever really saw the inside of the hotel and warehouse. One of the things I had been kicking around would be to fly to San Diego then take a re-positioning cruise from there to Vancouver and then take the train back to Ontario. Or visa versa.

I was chatting with D27 and she's uncertain if she will come up at Thanksgiving as she doesn't have anyone to look after her cats as yet. It's only a few weeks away so I'm thinking that won't happen. She did mention that she might come up at Christmas too / instead. That would be nice although I dread having to deal with her mother on scheduling. Then again, my ex has at least historically not made an issue about holidays except for last Christmas when she had S25 over and I did Christmas dinner the next day.

I did have a look from time to time to see if B unblocked me to see my vacation pics. If you unblock someone you can't re-block them for 3 days. Nope. If she wanted to, she could have seen them through someone else's account. I know her daughter creeped my Facebook profile when we were first dating. As more time passes, the more I realize that it was good that that relationship ended. It probably never should have gone as far as it did - but like Ginger mentioned on her thread - I believed the words even when the actions didn't match up. And I do know that the house was a real problem for her even if GS3/4 loved coming there to visit. She did feel it was too big, the street noise - which is worse in the summer. The words of "we'll still be friends" were perhaps also false. I'm choosing to believe that she believed all those words when she said them. No harm is done to me by that and it helps me keep that all as positive memories.

My first date with S is organized - she contacted me with a "good morning" mid-morning. Even though I messaged her daily while I was in Spain - that was because she expressed interest in "traveling along with me". It will be interesting to see if a "good morning" becomes a regular thing. We're going out for brunch this Sunday. We already know each other a bit so the usual first coffee date isn't really necessary. She has gluten sensitivity so picking a spot was tricky. She seemed surprised and pleased that it was a factor for me. Now for the nerves and the over-thinking.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

I'll save up the money and then see where the winds may blow me.

I still think you should sign-up on crewseekers dot net and sail your way around the world. You'd be the perfect ocean-going cook. (If you're going to cook, choose a catamaran not a mono hull.)

Originally Posted by AndrewP

I was chatting with D27 and she's uncertain if she will come up at Thanksgiving as she doesn't have anyone to look after her cats as yet. It's only a few weeks away so I'm thinking that won't happen.

Why do Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving on the wrong day?

Originally Posted by AndrewP

Now for the nerves and the over-thinking.

Just like when you were 16. That never changes does it?

Originally Posted by doodler

Why do Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving on the wrong day?

It's not the wrong day. We use a metric calendar here and are just about to start the month of Octovember.

Originally Posted by doodler

I still think you should sign-up on crewseekers dot net and sail your way around the world. You'd be the perfect ocean-going cook. (If you're going to cook, choose a catamaran not a mono hull.)

What "is" the right ratio of weevils to biscuit again? I recall a bunch of years ago at the Toronto Boat Show my then wife and I chatting to a charter operator. My wife wasn't too impressed when she found out that it was more "normal" sailing conditions than luxury despite the price. The crew operator and I had a good laugh when we talked about their menu and she agreed that yes - the "deluxe" meal was if they put wieners in with the baked beans.

I did have a quick look at the site you suggested and there's not a lot of berths that look appealing to me and while I do have my "White Sail III" certification that's only good for a dingy and not the RYA certifications that they are looking for.

Not my sort of thing at this time in my life though even though I have few things tying me down. I do hope to get my little sloop out next year and that and splashing around with the little Mouse Boat I built is good enough for me.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

It's not the wrong day. We use a metric calendar here and are just about to start the month of Octovember.

Ah, the metric calendar. You can't buy those in the United States. I prefer furlongs and fortnights.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

...the "deluxe" meal was if they put wieners in with the baked beans.

That's the cool thing, the bar is set so low that you're almost guaranteed to be a successful cook as long as you don't vomit in your own creations. After you've fed the crew your shrimp scampi, mushroom risotto and peanut butter cookies, you'd probably be in high demand with the sailing crowd.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

I did have a quick look at the site you suggested and there's not a lot of berths that look appealing to me and while I do have my "White Sail III" certification that's only good for a dingy and not the RYA certifications that they are looking for.

I don't have any certifications, but I would like to crew someday just for the experience. In my mid-teens, I had a little sailing dingy that I loved to sail. I've also sailed a Hobie. That one got away from me one time when I was literally in the middle of a lake (long story) and I had to swim all the way back to shore. I've also been on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney World about 100 times; surely that counts for something.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

I did have a look from time to time to see if B unblocked me to see my vacation pics. If you unblock someone you can't re-block them for 3 days. Nope. If she wanted to, she could have seen them through someone else's account. I know her daughter creeped my Facebook profile when we were first dating. As more time passes, the more I realize that it was good that that relationship ended. It probably never should have gone as far as it did - but like Ginger mentioned on her thread - I believed the words even when the actions didn't match up. And I do know that the house was a real problem for her even if GS3/4 loved coming there to visit. She did feel it was too big, the street noise - which is worse in the summer. The words of "we'll still be friends" were perhaps also false. I'm choosing to believe that she believed all those words when she said them. No harm is done to me by that and it helps me keep that all as positive memories.

My first date with S is organized - she contacted me with a "good morning" mid-morning. Even though I messaged her daily while I was in Spain - that was because she expressed interest in "traveling along with me". It will be interesting to see if a "good morning" becomes a regular thing. We're going out for brunch this Sunday. We already know each other a bit so the usual first coffee date isn't really necessary. She has gluten sensitivity so picking a spot was tricky. She seemed surprised and pleased that it was a factor for me. Now for the nerves and the over-thinking.

I am pretty sure I have said this to G, so I will say it to you too, in light of your line that B's "we'll still be friends" might have been false. I think in both of your situations (G's and yours) your respective partners did have genuine love for you, but that love was only at a level that they were capable of giving. I don't think you were intentionally lied to or mislead, but I think that B likely didn't fit in your world and didn't see where she ever would. You are extremely intelligent, well-read, and have a wide variety of interests. While I'm all for people having differences as they can complement each other and learn from each other in that way, it can also be rather difficult when the differences are as extreme as yours and B's seemed. As I have said many times, I'm sure she's a lovely woman and I can see why you fell for her. But at the same time, you need someone more intelligent, more worldly (for lack of a better word) who can better keep up with you, on many levels. Was the house a real concern? For her, likely it was, but maybe not for the reason you assume. Who knows? And, more to the point, does it really matter?

Here's the thing, Andrew....she blocked you because she is not interested in seeing what you are up to. If she was interested in that and if she was really dedicated to "still be friends", she would still have a place in your life and still be looking at your facebook and reaching out to you. She closed that door, so stop beating on it. It occurred to me last night that you are like my best friend. And what actually made me think of it was a story he was telling. His oldest son got married this weekend. Oldest son's biological mother didn't come to the wedding, but she's never had a great relationship with the boy and lost custody of him to my best friend when son was really young. So, the "real" mom in son's life was my best friend's second wife S. But, then best friend divorced S and married a 3rd woman, C. He always refers to C as his "soul mate" and to this day, pines for her something fierce. All of his children have long been done with this woman because she cheated on best friend and then divorced him for the man she'd been cheating with (to whom she is currently married) and they don't want to have anything to do with her, but anytime one of them has some big event, best friend kind of tries to manipulate them into including her. Well, the story he told me last night was that son had hand-written her a note begging her to come to the wedding because he loved her and she was the "woman who raised him" so she was special to him. Well, C didn't show up. She never shows up when he wants her to, but that is a whole other story. At the wedding, several of best friend's family members commented on how they noticed that son had included a pic of S on the memorial table (she passed away 7 years ago) and I personally heard son tell several people that S was the woman who raised him. According to best friend, however, son was just devastated that C didn't show up. Well, no, best friend was upset that she didn't show, but I guarantee son didn't think twice about it. I'm completely hijacking your post to talk about people you don't know, but my point here is that best friend hangs on to little things about this past relationship in an effort to keep hope alive and maybe even to make the memories a little more palatable. It reminds me of some of your posts....like the part of this one where you are talking about continuing to look to see if B unblocked you. I get that you are a passionate man who loves deep and you are also a rescuer, like my best friend. You so wanted to rescue B from what you thought was, possibly, an unpleasant existence for her, but that was her norm. Sure, you had a great deal to offer her and you are quite the catch, but sometimes women don't want to be rescued. That doesn't make you a bad buy or anything. Quite the contrary, I think you are a really good guy. I think you are very much who you say you are and that can be a rare find.

I know my giving you a hard time about letting stuff your XW does or says go and now letting stuff about B go really does no good because you can't really change who you are. I truly just hope that you, someday, find a great woman who deserves someone as awesome as you and she rescues you while you are rescuing her.

Quiet day thus far and a quiet week. Still working on getting my internal clock back in tune. The letter J coming off my keyboard around lunchtime yesterday was about as exciting as it got. It took me probably 1/2 an hour to put it back on

I ended up going out in to the plant for a while to deal with an issue in Packaging as well and realized that I probably should get my safety training updated. Not that I was mucking around with anything dangerous but it is a pretty dangerous place and I was out there alone for a while. The shop foreman and office staff did all know that that was were I was as well.

A friend of mine passed on some rumours of yet another corporate restructuring with a "get out of there" comment. Given the source of the rumour though I figure that they don't really know anything more than I do. It would be nice to have someone to talk to about all this sort of stuff but I don't. Given the basis of the rumour which I can't really go in to here I think that I would continue to be employed and perhaps be busier which would be good. But rumours like this have been swirling for a while without any apparent real basis.

S24 has been in a good humour since I got home. My "something's odd" bump is itchy though. Maybe it's just that he missed me. No "herbal" scent in the house at all either.

I messaged back and forth with S yesterday evening after I did my ironing and while I was working on the dishes. A variety of random topics. She asked me what I did as a job to which I asked if this was the Spanish Inquisition which then turned into a discussion of Monty Python. She says she's a fan. Certainly culturally she's seems a decent fit but that's not a surprise. I'm slightly terrified but also looking forward to our brunch on Sunday. Certainly would be a different dynamic than with B as S has 3 kids still at home (5 total) one of whom is still fairly young so scheduling excursions might be a bit of a challenge. Then again it might just be a nice brunch with a friend and not go anywhere. I do doubt that that is her intention though.

Busy times coming up. One of my nephews is getting married on Friday afternoon so I booked that off work. They have 5 small kids so I'm getting them a gift card for a large amount of pizza. I have to root around for a gift box and a card. I won't be staying over as the next morning I have a haircut and then will be buying a new car all before lunch. While I was in Spain I saw a Renault Twizy - seriously cool but also impractical for me. They actually are available in Canada now it turns out. In Madrid where space is at a premium a lot of buildings have had garages dug under them and they use a cool bifold door that takes up little space. Very like the ones used on airplane hangars. I've been needing a new door on my own garage for a long time and have constraints on overhead space and so one of these might work for me. I'm trying to figure out how to build one and there are a number of design elements that are proving difficult. It's tempting to just start building and work it out as I go along.

A bit worried about signing up for the financial commitment of car payments given the uncertainty of life and the lack of a backstop. Unlike years ago, I have very few monthly bills any more and have had no debt outside of my mortgage for a long time. The old Corolla has done well for me but it is well past time to let her retire.

Thanks for the whack upside the head Dawn. I will undoubtedly never know the whichness of why as far as B goes. And I think I've grown enough as a person to be ok with that. I have my own reality and memories which are generally positive and that is what I'll live with. I'm also finding that as time passes that I view my past with my exW with a more rosy tint. There were a lot of good times for a lot of years. I absolutely can't see starting anything new with the person that I believe she is now. Not that I know anything other than second or third hand reports.

Well back to work. Wednesday update over at least for now.

That's how I view my ex - despite all the crummy things (both at the end and during the marriage) I still feel like I got more good years out of the marriage than most, at least from my (possibly deluded) mindset at the time. I wouldn't take him back on a silver platter but I try not to let the bad stuff erase the good times that we did have.

Thank you, kml and Andrew, for both making my point far more succinctly than I did. That was what I was trying (not so eloquently) to say. Maybe it is because their situations are fresher that Andrew and G have the feelings they do, but as I'm removed from my D, I try not to let the negative of his cheating and OW and all that plus the out of nowhere divorce cloud the fact that we actually did have good times. And, if it weren't for my XH, I wouldn't have my amazing daughters. Sure, I could've married someone else with amazing children, but I wouldn't have THESE girls. I'm proud of you, Andrew, for trying to see the positive in what you and B had because there was good there.

I totally agree with kml�.I wouldn't take my XH back if someone served him up on a silver platter with 100 dollar bills stuffed in every nook and cranny he's got. But, there were good times and I will treasure those moving forward. I hope you can find that peace at some point as well, Andrew (and G too!).

I certainly wouldn�t take my ex husband back for all the money I�m the world. The thought nauseates me. So I�m there. My M was much different than others. It was honestly never good and that isn�t me rewriting history. But I am far removed enough that I am ambivalent about it all. It�s probably the reason why I desire a functional relationship where I can say it was good. Because I am almost 40 and feel like I never had a real M or R.

Anyways. Sorry for the hijack

Now that you've resolved and reconciled issues with your past relationships, I think it's time for you to contemplate one of life's most important questions...

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Originally Posted by doodler

African or European?

When I was standing on the parapet of The Alc�zar of Segovia I could also swear that I smelt elderberries.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

African or European?

I don't know that.

Originally Posted by AndrewP

When I was standing on the parapet of The Alc�zar of Segovia I could also swear that I smelt elderberries.

The scent of elderberry reminds me of my father.

Oh well, enough silliness. It's time for my wafer thin mint and then I'll be off to work.

I was going through some backups yesterday and came across a bunch of pictures of my ex and her family that I had deleted from my main account when I was upset after bomb-day and was purging her from my life. I gave it some thought and restored the missing files. They are part of my history. If someone new comes across them, it is part of who I was that made me who I am.

As I mentioned previously, I'm viewing the past with rather rose coloured glasses lately. Not that I have any expectation of getting back together with either my ex or B - nor really any desire to do so.

I do worry about them though. A good friend chastized me last night after I mentioned that I was worried about the future that B presumably has in front of her that I need to stop being a rescuer. She is undoubtedly right. I did catch myself browsing B's best friend's social media profile with an itch to connect. Back in the day I never did connect to them. In hindsight it is still surprising how separate our social circles were. B seemed very reluctant to enter mine and given the vibes I was getting from her, I didn't intrude on her's.

I was also tempted to contact my ex and ask her if she wanted any of those pictures. Before I had purged I had given a copy to D27 along with financial documents etc in case her mother asked for them. So there is no need for me to do that.

Ah well - I didn't contact either one even though my rationalizations seemed good to me. One more victory. One more step forward and one less reason to look in the rear-view mirror.

As far as my ex goes I honestly have no real knowledge about her life. As far as I know she and OM are shacked up in her apartment over the liquor store and she's still and angry bitter woman. Slightly surprising that they live there since he's undoubtedly got a fair amount of money despite now being retired. She's not contacted me directly in any fashion probably since I think November 2016. I doubt that she's living a life that gives her a lot of Joy. Depending on how things work out with OM - her future, like that of B - is probably similarly constrained in lifestyle and opportunity. I am honestly still surprised that she's still in the area. It's not as if she spends any time with S25 and the bulk of her former friends dumped her after it was revealed what she did. The latter I think is the key part of her angst.

There was a discussion recently here about past good times with our ex spouses. I chuckled to myself recalling a meme I see from time to time that refer to "best boob years". I certainly got what were undoubtedly the best years my ex had to give both physically and mentally. I like to think that I have a lot of good years in front of me. I am in my peak earning years, still have my health, am financially secure. As everyone keeps assuring me "a catch". When I look at myself critically I have my own doubts but when I compare myself to other men of my age I do think that I do measure up. I'm heavier than I would like to be. Enjoy my beer a bit more than I should. Do at times have quiet and somewhat dark moods. On the other hand I do my best to be kind and giving and to find joy in both the quiet and absurd.

It's astounding thinking about it, how much life and living I've done that hasn't involved her nor even being in a relationship. Even though B and I did certainly have a relationship, it was only for a few months and she was away so much that we never really built any routines or "normals" for us.

While I was making breakfast I realized that there are a large number of "normal" things that I do now that are very different. This was also apparent when I was looking back at old pictures that showed everyday activities around the house from years ago. 4 years ago she would have been presumably struggling with the lure of her affair and I was doing my best to keep the home world calm and be supportive of my "depressed and menopausal" wife.

I'm 90+% sure that D27 won't be coming home for Thanksgiving which is now only 2 weeks away. That's too bad. I was working on my grocery list over breakfast this morning and wrote down turnip and butternut squash. Best to get that sort of stuff a bit early so that those traditional (now - and to me) foods are available. We used to always have turnip but butternut squash is a new addition. I'll also do roast duck (also new), mashed potatoes with duck gravy, with rhubarb and black currant pie for desert. I only own 7 plates so if you come for supper, we need to keep the numbers down to that

They are Ikea plates though so I may top up the number at some time.

Haven't heard from S in the last day or so but that's fine and "normal". I'm looking forward to our date on Sunday. I was browsing OLD and noticed that a clerk from my bank who I quite like is now on there. I was rather surprised to see her age as 50. I'd put her at about 38 in my mind. I did notice that her pictures don't really reveal how extra curvy she actually is. Assuming that my date with S is a dud - which the odds are moderately low of - there are at least 3 women who I would be comfortable reaching out to that I've seen. This stealth mode works for me.

S25 continues to be in a fairly good humour. We actually had a pleasant chat about his applying for jobs and looking for an apartment. As if it was a normal thing for him to be doing and not something that I've pressured him into. I expect that he's feeling his own pressure. It would be good if he has something for the New Year. Sheesh - talking about that already.

Working from home this morning and taking the afternoon off. One of my nephews is getting married this afternoon a 2 1/2 hour drive away. It will probably be late by the time I get home. Tomorrow (Saturday) is a busy day. A haircut and buying a new car are added to the regular agenda. I hope to get the flower beds prepped for winter over the weekend and maybe go for a ramble around the countryside for things to decorate the house for autumn. Since I've been alone, I've been decorating the posts on the side porch with tall grasses and dried wildflowers. I think it looks nice. It might be a joint expedition with S depending on how brunch goes.

Quote

"best boob years"

Lolol - I was just talking to my best friend the other day, about how my ex's young wife didn't get the same guy that I married. I'll have to rephrase it - I got his "best D years" I guess!

Oh dear. My next door neighbours are separating. I found out just now when I sent them a note to let them know that I've ordered my new car with delivery expected in a couple of weeks. The guy in the relationship is a bit of a jerk and has anger management issues but we've always gotten along as neighbours. The lady involved is the one who actually owns the house and who I messaged and I told her that if she needs anything to let me know. I think they've been together about 10 years or so now I think. Certainly more than 5 or 6. It's always been pretty "bumpy" and loud over there. B used to be rather put out by hearing the regular loud arguments.

Unfortunately it means that the original plan of selling my Corolla to them is now bust. But I hadn't truly counted on that anyway. I'm confident that I'll sell it fairly easily. I've reached out to CL (for the first time since February) who was looking for a cheap car for her daughter and may to FSL who could probably use one too even if she doesn't have her full license.

Crazy busy couple of days. I went to my nephew's wedding yesterday and while the bride was delayed in arriving, it all went off well and they looked so very happy. I found that I could be truly happy for them without measuring anything against my own failed marriage. My BIL did press on where my date was - as he undoubtedly recalled meeting CL at the stag-and-doe last fall. I brushed him off with a joke saying that my cats weren't allowed. The wedding was lovely with some very touching moments when the fact that my nephew came in to a relationship with a woman who already had 3 small children (now 4) came up. The oldest daughter who is perhaps 8 made the sweetest speech about how much she loves her "real Daddy". I doubt there was a dry eye in the place.

Ordering the car went both more complicated than I expected and as smoothly as expected. My salesman had thought I would be in next week, not this but had most things ready. The finance person who is the daughter of an old family friend was pleased that all she had to do was push a button and the auto-approval came through which was not a surprise at all to me. Delivery should be in a few days. I'm going to have it delivered with snow tires installed and I'll get a trailer hitch put on after delivery. It's not a dealer available option.

As the finance person is well acquainted with everything including doing the financing for S25's car, we had an interesting chat about how he's doing - or not - and compared to her own challenges with her own kids. She had some eye rolls about S25's mother and her confidence on his ability to pay the car loan she wrote for them. She also knows the terms of my settlement so knows that my ex has the money coming in to cover the payments at least. I know she's divorced but am unsure if she's seeing someone now or not. Her words indicate that she's doing it on her own and has for some years but her social media shows a blended family. She is a nice lady and we've known each other since as we would say here, we were "knee high to a grasshopper".

I got in to the cafe for my scone a few hours later than usual but they saved it for me. Staff and friends were busy chatting and having "lunch" and I was interrogated about my trip to Spain. The owner teased me about the fact that I should have found love there and when I commented on the size of the bed she made me blush by saying that the answer was "1 wide 2 high". Much laughter. I am so very fortunate in my friends.

Out at the bank, the teller who I may have mentioned I've seen on OLD was extra chatty and friendly even though I was being served by another teller. We had a nice chat about my trip to Spain and laughs about some of my misadventures.

Well - I still have a bunch of groceries to put away, another load of laundry to do plus updating my budget and adding on the new car payments. My bed is freshly made (a priority for me) with my fresh roses beside it. I'm feeling pretty confident about my date tomorrow - which surprisingly nobody at the cafe has any news of even though S works there.

Sending my message to CL reminded me of The Princess Bride - a movie about True Love and Fate - and where she does in many ways resemble Princess Buttercup and I Wesley. Like with B, I have at this point pretty much only positive memories about her even if we weren't the best of matches despite what Fate or Destiny may have writ. I do believe that is on this evening's agenda now.

Had a nice first date with S. I was early (of course) and she was slightly late arriving at a near trot. It seems that her daughter needed both the bathroom and van as she was wanting to be ready so she had to hoof it along the street. I'm glad I picked a place semi-accidentally fairly close to where she lived. I did suspect that she lived in that close by town but didn't know for sure.

Greeting was a nice hug - it seemed "normal" and non-threatening - we had a nice visit and went over a bit of our separate back stories and talked about all sorts of things exploring what we each liked. She liked the fridge magnet I got her depicting "her" royal palace in Spain and appreciated my Pirates of the Caribbean reference to a "drawing of a palace" vs an actual palace. It was incredibly stress free and I enjoyed myself. We were out for probably over an hour and I think the waitress was happy to get the table back.

Since she had walked, I offered to walk her home to her apartment the dozen or so blocks. Got another nice but friendly only hug good bye. I wasn't even tempted to go for a smooch - didn't feel right.

We'll probably go out again in the next week or so - perhaps hitting a craft show or flea market. I messaged her a picture of my newly decorated side porch door with a note "thank you for the gift of your time" later in the afternoon. I always like that sentiment.

Couple of red flags of sorts. She is more or less a SAHM and lives off child support. Three ex husbands. One pays regularly, one doesn't and the other she doesn't have a child with. Three kids currently at home D18, S17, S12. She has a big 4 bedroom apartment that may actually have more square footage than my house. We started a running joke where I'd comment about having a garden and BBQ etc and she would retort with "I hate you". Other but not surprising red flag was that she never offered to split the bill. I would have countered with the "I invited you". I do expect she is living with a fairly tight budget. Her kids never seem to lack and the way she talked she is all about the bargains and economizing. She was appreciative of my trip that we talked about but in no way seemed envious.

Not sure where / if this will go anywhere. I have an adventure companion for the next while. Certainly a big difference from B as S not only used the word misogynistic but also used it correctly in a sentence.

Who asked who out?

I ask, because whoever set up the date should pay. Something about splitting the bill I do not like. I would pay if I set up the date. And I would pay on the second date if he paid the first . I wouldn�t call it a red flag. Just a different way of doing things .

Glad your date went well. I may be in the minority here, but I don�t think her not offering to split the bill is a red flag in and of itself, particularly if you invited her and knowing she�s a SAHM with a house full of kids relying on support from XHs. (That is more a red flag to me, but I digress...)

I am not a SAHM nor do I rely on someone else for support but if a man asks me out, I don�t offer to split the cost unless we explicitly discuss it first. If a guy asks me out, I assume it�s his treat. Now, if they ask for coffee or a drink or something, I will totally offer to pay my share. If we get past the first date, I have no problem asking and paying for whatever plans I might make.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

She suggested that we go out. I named the time and place. So to me it was my suggestion.

By the way, your fall display looks lovely.

Originally Posted by Dawn70

By the way, your fall display looks lovely.

Thanks, One of the things I like about being single is that I can do whatever the heck I want on the house.

I'm rather worried about S25. I've not really talked to him since I got back from Spain but Sunday Supper is one of those "must attend" events in my house. Some of the comments he had had me pointing him to the mental health crisis line number which is on our fridge. He mentioned that one of his former room-mates just got engaged. I suspect that he is looking at his life living in his childhood bedroom and just thinking WTF. He wouldn't be wrong.

This is where I could really use help from his mother. My best reaction was to ask if he wanted mashed or boiled potatoes (we had mashed). He's off to his poker game around the corner.

I was messaging in haste yesterday, I apologize.

I think the more likely red flag was that she�s been divorced 3 times and lives off of child support. But hey, perhaps she can just be a friend you do some stuff with. Friends of the opposite sex are great. Friends who you share interests with in general are great!

As far as your son.... if you are truly worried about self harm, perhaps that is something you can share with your ex. For your son�s sake. If you don�t know what to do and they have a relationship, maybe make her aware so she can open up the conversation.

If you want your best way to help him, I would ask �what are your goals, and how can I help you get there?� Maybe he does want to do something with his life but just does not know where to even begin he is so overwhelmed . You are a very organized plan maker and I�m sure you could be so helpful in that area.

Good Morning Andrew

I�m glad your date went well.

Regarding son. You could be right about him looking at his life and his choices. Talk to him.

Try: Son can we make some time, I want to discuss something very important to me.

He probably will agree to right then, depending...

I want to discuss you. You�re one of the most important �things� in my life.

That sets the stage for him. He will know you care. He will open up. May not be right then, it could be in a few days or weeks, again it depends...

Have a few items you would like to gently inquire about, and be prepared to shelve them if/when he brings up what is important to him.

Best of luck.

And from my perspective, it�s not a bad thing that she didn�t offer to split up the bill.

DnJ

Thanks everyone. I'm going to bide my time with S25 and see how he's doing before calling in the cavalry. I've not talked to his mother in any meaningful way in just under 3 years now and am not keen on opening that particular door. I will if necessary although I'm sure he would resent that.

Generally speaking he refuses and actively avoids talking about himself or any of "his" stuff. I recall when he quit his job that I think he actually lied to me for a couple of days not wanting to be judged even though he did know that I would be supportive.

Part of me wonders if it's just the fact that all around him, his friends are getting married, starting families and he's still in his childhood bedroom. He's possibly also starting to see the bottom of his bank account but that would be a very taboo subject and TBH - if he's broke - it will be up to his mother or himself to bail him out at least as far as his car loan goes.

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As an interesting side note, dating in a small town can have it's oddities. S commented on how angry my ex seems to be in her Facebook posts. Since she knows that I have no communication with her, it would be pretty obvious that I'm not her problem. I did notice at the cafe on Sunday where S works from time to time doing baking that there was no mention at all of our date - they are big gossips and would have loved teasing me - so presumably she kept the first date quiet.

On the other hand, I also have gone through both her's and her most recent ex's where they list themselves as "separated". S did make a comment about how she can't get an appointment with a lawyer without a retainer which she can't come up with. She also mentioned that her first divorce was nasty and bankrupted her and caused the business they jointly ran to go under and that her second divorce was also nasty. She seems to get along decently with the most current and I recall running in to them together at lunch a year or so ago.

In other news SIL1 spotted a video of B and her own H together visiting one of his son's in a local town. I took a look and they don't act very "couple-y" and being as her H presumably still lives a 5 hour drive away he was down for a visit. As I've mentioned though, if they are back together it certainly is no surprise. I did notice in the video that she's not wearing her wedding ring and I do know that she kept it and had it with her. And there was just "something" about her posture and such that made me think that she's a pretty unhappy woman. Not that there's any chance of her circling back though. I also just looked and she's not signed on to the OLD site since back in March so perhaps she is just living her life quietly and working on herself. Not my thing to worry about I know even if I do.

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Well - this thread didn't last long at all.

New Thread
I Saw It On Mulberry Street
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2866838&#Post2866838

I�ve got to ask. Why does your SIL stalk your ex�s and report so much information back? First it�s your exW all the time, and now B? It�s an odd obsession.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

I�ve got to ask. Why does your SIL stalk your ex�s and report so much information back? First it�s your exW all the time, and now B? It�s an odd obsession.

She's an odd lady. Also retired. She has also been a big help and supporter. She's stuck her foot in it more than a few times as well.

She means well.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

I think the more likely red flag was that she�s been divorced 3 times and lives off of child support. But hey, perhaps she can just be a friend you do some stuff with. Friends of the opposite sex are great. Friends who you share interests with in general are great!

Very busy weekend so I'm late to the comments but was already thinking of writing this when I read it from Ginger. Holy cow - three D's, the latest seems to be still in progress? And more or less living off of support and assistance? Where are you finding these women and who are you turning down Andrew? And I'm sorry that may sound overly snarky even for me but it really seems like there is a clear pattern starting to develop with dating or at least meeting up with separated but still married women who are not very good at supporting themselves financially. What's that about? As Ginger says, friends of the opposite sex are great - you just seem to get overly interested/involved regardless of all of the red flags surrounding you. Anyone still married has to be suspect. Not saying that every situation is bad or wrong but there is a reason many people simply refuse to date those who are separated but still married.

As for Son, did he get wind of you meeting up with this woman who he specifically asked you not to date? Could that be a part of his current actions? We often tend to think of co-parenting being for actual children - those under the age of 18. But talk to pretty much any child with divorced parents over the age of 18 and they will tell you they very much wish for or value their parents getting along. Them being able to attend birthdays and holidays and functions with both parents present and able to co-exist together. The fact you've not even talked to his mother in three years has to be weighing on him - whether he says it or not. He clearly is uncomfortable all the way to not even telling you when he's meeting his mother. Imagine what that's like for any child - to have to hide things from one parent to the next. It's far easier for me to say it than have to do it but it's certainly worth thinking about. Having some sort of co-parent communication can only help your son - I can't see how it would at all hurt him. It might be difficult for you but that's part of being a dad - doing things for our kids even when it's harder than heck for us to do. I can see all sorts of reasons why you'd not want to talk to your ex-W and very much agree with all of them! But I can also see very many reasons it would help your son and daughter if you could at least have some sort of co-parent R with her because the fact is, you are both likely going to be grandparents some day. These kids will always be your children. This will not go away - it's here for, let's hope, another 30 or 40 years for both of you. Just something to think about.